June 2, 2025 • 24 mins
Becoming Your Spouse's Biggest Supporter :: [Ep. 271]
This week we explore how marriages deteriorate when the "we" transitions into "me, my, and I" as couples pursue individual interests rather than championing each other.
We will talk about the following:
• Couples often forget God's main purpose for marriage and prepare themselves for marital defeat
• We often champion our children's interests without hesitation but fail to do the same for our spouse
• Practical ways to champion your spouse include being shoulder-to-shoulder in their interests
• Giving your spouse margin to pursue their goals shows you value what matters to them
• The consequences that arise when spouses don't champion each other
• The gap in marriage grows wider when couples don't support each other's God-given missions
• Our selfish agendas often prevent us from championing our spouse's interests
We hope you will be encouraged and helped in being your spouse's champion!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
And, like you, we've made vows to keep.
Today's show is going to bekind of a fun one, for me at
least, because it's a topic thatis something that's very near
and dear to my heart as I'vegone through the progression
we're going to be talking abouttoday being someone who's an
observer in a relationship tosomeone who's actually a
champion for that relationship.
Now, tracy, I want to tell thelisteners about one of my many
(00:47):
vices in life, which is YouTubecar videos.
I could seemingly watch anendless supply of videos on
YouTube about building hot rodsand yeah, I'm a car guy, if you
don't know that but there'sseveral YouTube channels that
right now are just explosive ingrowth and there's a common
thread that I keep seeing inthem.
(01:07):
Anytime a guy has his girlworking side by side with him
and they actually work welltogether, the comment section on
those videos is just explosive.
You see this mixture of guyssaying man, my wife is so busy
being a mom She'd never want tobe a wife with me in this, or I
wish she would care like that.
They just totally fall all overa relationship that actually
(01:30):
works.
Now you see some that are moreresentful.
They're like.
You know what.
This is my hobby and I am justgrateful that I can have a
little time away from thiscranky woman that I'm married to
.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yikes, yeah, but there's probably like a wife
equivalent of that, like whatare you doing out in the garage?
And what happened to oursoulmate companionship that we
used to have?
Here's an example of the otherside of that when David and I
are in public and other womensee his arm around me, they
might wish that's them.
At the end of the day, we allwant to feel pursued and many of
(02:01):
us don't, and what ends uphappening is we don't
reciprocate to the other person.
We just end up pursuing what ismeaningful to us, what makes us
happy, and I think this quoteunquote we or us of marriage
slowly transitions into me or myor I, and even sometimes the
they and the them, like the kidsand the boss and the friends.
(02:23):
David and I at times haveforgotten that we, and when we
find ourselves in that spot,it's because we've lost sight of
one of God's main purposes formarriage, and David's actually
going to talk about that forjust a minute.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yeah, in Genesis, chapter two, we see that God
gives Eve to Adam.
It was a solution to a problemthat God himself identified.
He says in Genesis two it's notgood for man to be alone.
I mean, no truer words havebeen said, but he's got an
answer.
He says I'm going to make ahelper that is suitable for him,
and this is one of the bestverses in the Bible.
I thank God for that every day,for that helper, because up
(02:59):
until this point in creation,god had stated over and, over
and over again it's good, it'sgood, it's good.
And for the first time God sayswhoa, that's actually not good.
I think I need to do a littlebit of something special,
something extra here, to allowthis man to have someone who's
going to serve alongside him andhelp steward this creation that
(03:20):
I've just given them Well atVows to Keep.
We sit with couples who come tous all the time and it's like
they're in this state offorgetfulness a state that we
actually can see in Adam and Eveat a certain point where
they're lost in sin, inselfishness.
They are totally confused abouthow could I ever get back to
the we that we're talking about?
(03:40):
The problem is that the me andthe my has gotten so big I can't
actually see anything else.
They've forgotten maybe theynever actually understood at all
that God intended a purpose fortheir marriage, and that is
something that, when they're notfocused on that purpose, it
prepares them for marital defeatat the hands of the enemy.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
And that enemy we can see back in Genesis, chapter
three.
He's already starting to work.
He's working to convince useven now, like he convinced Eve.
Hey, you're better off alone,you're better off just chasing
after, trying to capture,through any means, what feels
good to you, what is going tomake you feel good and whole and
wise, to get us to that placeof isolation where we believe
(04:23):
that lie.
We're each in our own camps.
The enemy is this type of tugand war argument between us.
Now, maybe you and your spousedon't argue, maybe it's just a
silent argument, or maybe it'san all out screaming match.
I don't know what your homelooks like, but there is a tug
of war where we as couples, andthen as individuals, we're going
to try to say, hey, this is howwe're going to spend our time
(04:45):
and our money and our talents.
And, like David just did to me,he yanks one way and I yank the
other, and we end up in the mudin the middle.
We want so badly, I think,sometimes for our spouse just to
get us.
Like I just want you tounderstand me and get on board
with my plans, and I get tiredof waiting for you to come
alongside me.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I get tired of waiting for you to come
alongside me.
I get tired of waiting for youto be my cheerleader and my
advocate.
This back and forth can go onfor a lifetime.
We've met couples that havebeen married for 30, 40, 50
years and the deep hurt, thedeep bitterness and resentment,
the unforgiveness I mean it iseverywhere in their relationship
.
Why is that?
Well, here's the punchline whenour spouse doesn't show
interest in what we're doing, wetranslate that into the fact
that they're not interested inme.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Now it's going to sound like just for a minute I'm
veering off our topic here, buttrust me, bear with me, I'm
going to come right back to it.
This all is going to make sensein a second.
So Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
.
I don't know if you knew thator not, but that means that we
fundraise in order to ministerto couples.
We do that through radio,through events all throughout
the year and throughcouple-to-couple counseling, and
(05:53):
we've learned in thisfundraising process that there's
a progression that people make,and David kind of alluded to it
a little bit earlier.
But people can go from being anobserver and this would be
someone who just knows about usand is like, yeah, you go, you
Someone who's a participant, andthat would be someone who is a
radio listener, someone whocomes to one of our events.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
That'd be you.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Absolutely.
And then there's the champions,and those are the people who
say I'm going to give to youevery single month because I'm
on mission with you.
I don't just approve of yourmission with a thumbs up.
I I'm on mission with you.
I don't just approve of yourmission with a thumbs up, I want
to be working alongside you.
They're the ones that sendpeople to us for counseling.
They're the ones that come tothe events and they volunteer at
the events.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
So it's an evolution that we actually are optimistic,
that all of you as radiolisteners, that's a transition
that we hope you are making andwe want to be on mission
together with you to reallybuild this body of Christ,
especially the marriage part,the family part of it.
And when all of us worktogether and do our part, we can
accomplish what Ephesians 4talks about.
(06:54):
And that's what we mean bychampion.
It's someone who is yoked upwith you plowing the same ground
as God's called you to work.
So let's shift gears and goback to your marriage, thinking
about that progression frombeing an observer to a
participant, to someone who's achampion and really an owner of
a cause.
Maybe your spouse hasn't gottento that level with you, maybe
(07:16):
they're still kind of watchingto see what you do and really
observing.
Or maybe they know yourpatterns, they know what's
coming next and, frankly,they're kind of tired of it.
They're almost to the pointwhere they've given up trying to
change you even.
Or maybe you haven't gotten tothat level for them.
You feel like, okay, I've triedto participate in what they're
(07:36):
doing and, honestly, it reallydidn't pay off.
In fact, maybe I even gotburned.
Or you saw your spouse givesome fickle attempt at
participating in something thatmeant a lot to you, but they
didn't stick it out for the longrun, so why should I do that
for them?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So in today's broadcast of Vows to Keep Radio,
we're going to talk about whatit means to be your spouse's
champion, why you're called todo it, what keeps us on the
sidelines in that observer campfor long periods of time.
And we're going to answer someof the questions you might
already be thinking about in theback of your head, like what if
what they're after is sinful?
What do I do with that?
I don't want to champion that,or maybe it's not sinful, but
(08:14):
it's selfish and I don't want tofeed into that.
So what's my position?
We're going to get to all that,so we're really glad you're
here today.
So the first thing we're goingto jump into today is what it
means to champion your spouse.
I want to put this in the lightof kids for just a minute,
david, because we are verycommitted to our kids' interests
.
We rearrange our entire livessometimes to make their success
(08:37):
possible.
We want to give our kids thebest shot at a happy life, and
that causes us to do somethingkind of interesting, to shift
our priorities and expend energyreally at great expense, and we
do it all again in a heartbeat,that's for sure.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
That's culturally the norm.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Yeah, we never consider letting someone else
take over the role of gettingthem to all their practices and
being the assistant coach andgetting all the special treats
for the special day.
In short, we go all out, nomatter the expense, to our
pockets, our time, our energy.
We actually counted our dutyand our pleasure to be our kids'
(09:14):
greatest champion.
So what makes the difference inhow we react to what our kids
want versus what our spousewants?
I think two things inparticular.
We see our kids' future and wesee our kids' hearts.
We're soft to those things andso we react.
Now the vice versa of that iswe've stopped seeing our
(09:34):
spouse's future.
We've stopped believing thatthey could grow and change and
make a difference in someoneelse's life.
We've stopped seeing theirheart.
We're blinded to what theirtrue heart needs are.
Or if we do see them, we don'twant to get into the middle of
the mess.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
So, tracy, how is it that we can be really practical
and actually have our spousefeel pursued?
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Well, let's talk about a couple of ways, and I
think I'm going to go back toyour YouTube car analogy for
just a minute here, because thatis a wife going shoulder to
shoulder with her husband.
When we pull back the lens andwe look at how our spouse spends
their day, knowing what Davidlikes, I could put down what's
interesting to me and insteadput on a pair of dirty overalls
and just go out in the what ifwhat they're doing is helping
(10:26):
others in some way, something assimple as actually making
dinner for your family or doinglaundry?
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Those are things where you can show them the
value of that extra effort.
Thank them, tell them that whatthey're doing is making a
difference and it matters.
When your spouse is up tosomething that you can see,
maybe through your eyes, doesn'thave value.
So often what we tend to do isjust react with like why are you
doing this Seriously, likeagain Tonight?
(10:55):
But what if we could look at itdifferently?
What if we could see the valuein what they're doing and
encourage them?
Something like identifyingwhere perseverance is really
required, where faithfulness isessential, or having a lot of
patience?
Those are all things where youcan encourage someone in what
they're doing.
Even if the cause isn't one youpersonally resonate with, you
can still get engaged.
(11:15):
You can still be an encouragerto them.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
So one way in our house that David really
practically pursues me is bygiving me margin to pursue a
goal that I have set orsomething that God's laid on my
heart, and we're gonna be doingan entire broadcast coming up in
this powerful pursuit series onthis.
But I want to touch on itreally briefly here.
I bet that your spouse ishaving a hard time finding time
(11:38):
to reach their goals.
So give them that time.
Be their champion in that bytaking over another
responsibility that they haveand making it possible for them
to pursue what matters to them.
So why do we need to be ourspouse's champion?
I think to answer that we gotto go back to the Garden of Eden
, back where Satan first startedto kind of worm his way in and
(11:58):
create this isolation game thatus, as the human race, is still
playing today.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Yeah, in God's perfect design.
We can look back in Genesis 2,and he sends Eve to be all of
these things that we've justtalked about to Adam.
Adam's going to need her tofulfill his God-given role in
life.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
And if you look back at Genesis 2.18, it says it's
not good for man to be alone.
I'm going to make a helpersuitable for him.
I want to look at that wordhelper for just a second.
In the Hebrew, the originallanguage is the word ezer.
Now don't quote me if I'mpronouncing that correctly or
not, but it's actually used onlyin the Old Testament and it's
usually used to describe Godwhich I think is really
interesting as a helper, as aprotector, a rescuer and a
(12:43):
savior, and thank the Lord thatGod gives us the human
equivalent of his love for usright here in this marriage
relationship.
But if you look at this wordeaser used for God, he's a
helper who sees our future.
He sees our heart, just likeyou see your kids' future and
your kids' heart.
He sees our greatest need andhe's taken up our cause.
(13:05):
If you look at this progressionfrom observer to participant to
champion and you look how God,where he's at in that, in your
life, he's not a bystander, he'snot a part-time participant
only engaging with you when it'sconvenient for him.
He is your absolute champion,who sees past your selfish
desires and sees to yourgreatest need.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
You are so perfectly positioned inside of marriage.
You're handpicked and lovinglyplaced in your spouse's life to
champion them.
Think about that.
It's so easy to lose sight ofthis, to forget the we and to
start to focus on the me, andwhen our heart gets bitter
toward our spouse for not reallyhaving them, see us and what
(13:48):
matters to us.
That's the reason why it's socritical that we stay in
lockstep with our champion,jesus Christ, because without
Jesus, oh, you can get sidewayson this so easily.
Hebrews 12 says this let us runwith perseverance the race
that's marked out for us, fixingour eyes on Jesus, the pioneer
(14:09):
and perfecter of our faith, forthe joy set before him.
He endured the cross, scorningits shame, and sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured suchopposition from sinners.
So that you will not grow wearyand lose heart, we need to keep
a close eye on our heart andour motivation, and that's
(14:30):
because there's consequences fornot being our spouse's champion
, and I can think of four thatjust jump right out to me.
The first is that your spousemay find someone else to go
shoulder to shoulder with.
Maybe that's already happeningin your marriage.
The second is this gap betweenus inside of our marriage grows
wider, grows bigger.
(14:51):
The third is that they mightactually be your spouse, might
actually be hindered infulfilling their God-given
mission in life without youbeing a part of it.
And the fourth is the witnessabout who God is the story that
our marriage is designed to tell.
The light that our marriage issupposed to bring into the world
.
Well, it's dimmed.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
So what keeps us from being our spouse's champion?
What keeps us just taking theeasy way out being that observer
?
Well, generally it's becausewhat our spouse is into is just
not our preference.
And you know what?
I've also got my own agenda, soI'm going to give a quick
example of a couple that we havein our life.
The husband comes home from workand one of his favorite things
(15:32):
to do is sit down and catch upon current events.
That is very important to himand he's so into it that a lot
of times he brings his phone tothe dinner table and he's still
kind of checking out the socialmedia, watching the news.
This is what their dailypractice is.
And the wife is gettingfrustrated because she's at the
table saying hey, connect withme, go eye to eye with me, I
really want you to invest in thekids.
(15:52):
And she's saying why aren't youinterested in what I'm
interested in?
Why aren't you asking about myday, about my feisty
conversation with my mom that wehad?
I really need to talk throughthis.
Or here's what happened withthe kids.
And he's saying that's justmundane to me, like I don't want
to go through that again.
I don't want to talk about thatfinancial situation again.
(16:13):
I want you to be interested inme.
So here they are.
They're in this tug of war thatyou and I have been talking
about this entire time.
They're both saying look at me,look at me.
Neither is giving to the otherperson.
Here's a possible scenario fortheir life, and I'm not God, I
don't know everything, buthere's something that I would do
so she could sit down with himand watch the news with him and
(16:34):
maybe even discuss it afterwards.
And I love how God's word cancome into the middle of this
David because she could actuallybe the reminder to him that God
is in control, that we don'tknow what's going to happen.
And if we get too wrapped up insome of the news type stuff, we
can start to get discouragedand we start to forget that God
is sovereign.
(16:55):
And here's something he coulddo.
He could acknowledge that sheput in a long day with those
kiddos.
He could thank her for beingfinancially responsible when she
tells him about a good dealthat she found online, rather
than just kind of rolling hiseyes.
He could encourage her to be awitness to her mom when they
talk on the phone next time.
There are ways that that tug ofwar can just come to a complete
(17:16):
halt when they start makingtheir spouse's agenda their
agenda.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
What we're trying to say is that this isn't about
making your marriage about thetopics of the news and the kids
and so on.
What we're trying to say is youneed to build your marriage
foundation on pursuing Godtogether, but in the process of
doing that, you're going to bealso pursuing your spouse.
God is madly in love with yourspouse and he might have you
(17:45):
take interest in what intereststhem to show them his love.
So let's take a few minutes,tracy, and talk about those
burning questions that are inthe back of our minds when we
think about what it means topursue our spouse.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
One of them is what if my spouse's cause?
What if their goal is anungodly one?
Aren't I justified in beingresistive to that?
Speaker 3 (18:11):
And this is such a good question.
I actually would say weabsolutely have a biblical
responsibility to admonish ourspouse in areas where what
they're pursuing is wrong, it'ssinful, and God will use your
actions even more than yourvoice.
So be very thoughtful about howyou approach this.
Don't try to take on the roleof the Holy Spirit, but be
(18:31):
willing to live in a way thatreally shows and represents
Christ to them.
This means that you need toknow biblically exactly what
you're standing on.
Use God's word as the standard.
What forms your opinion, anddon't make it be about your
opinion purely, because all ittakes is one time where your
spouse realizes you know whatyour objection is really, just
(18:52):
because your personal preferenceand my personal preference
don't align.
This isn't a scriptural issueand guess what?
You've blown your credibilityfor how you might confront them
in other times.
You want to make sure thatpleasing you is never going to
define what's right and wrong,but instead that God's word,
that scripture, defines what'sright and wrong.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
So let's look at a second question that you may be
thinking right now.
So maybe their pursuit isn'tsinful, but it's kind of selfish
and it's taken away from ourtime together.
You want me to feed into that?
Won't that just make thingsworse?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
The way that we judge others, the Bible says, is
actually the same way in whichwe will be judged, and that is a
hard, hard thing to think aboutin the context of what we're
talking about.
If we're honest, we all strugglewith being selfish, and
probably the agenda that you arewanting your spouse to drop is
so that they'll pick up youragenda.
And that's a tough thing whenwe're being honest with
(19:47):
ourselves, because it's so easyto justify that what I want is
more good, more right.
There's all these ways that wecan find our cause more worthy.
At the end of the day, a lot oftimes it's actually not about
that at all.
Over the long haul, you're notgoing to go wrong in being
someone who puts other people'sagenda, especially your spouse's
agenda, ahead of your own.
(20:07):
Of course, keeping in mind God'sagenda is actually first.
What that means is, I'm tellingyou you have to be third,
because God has designed yourmarriage in such a way that he
rewards the person who is lastwith the benefits of those who
come first.
And it may not come right away.
I mean, it might be the nextday, it might be several months
(20:28):
before your spouse reallyrealizes what you're doing and
how you're serving them.
It might be years, it might bethe day you set your foot in
heaven before you see the fruitof that investment.
I think it's easy for someonewho is not a believer to become
pretty self-absorbed andactually say, oh good, now that
you're in the mode of serving me, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Here's my list.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Yeah, exactly.
But when you put this in thecontext of what we're called to
do in God's word, I mean,there's some people I know that
are going to be listening tothis and they're thinking, okay,
my spouse isn't a believer, andof course what they want is
selfish.
Well, guess what your missionis?
To win them over, and the waythat you do that is with the
(21:11):
love of Christ.
You do that consistently overtime, and they will soon realize
that, in fact, they are notyour mission, but rather your
pursuit of God is somethingwhich causes you to pursue them.
Let me say it this way it'sless about your spouse's cause,
it's more about being eager tomake you more about them.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
So, as a way to wrap this up today on Vows to Keep
Radio, if we are to pursue ourspouse by pursuing their
interests, by pursuing theirpursuits, let's start by looking
at our agenda, because werealize that that gets in the
way.
So let's get all thoseobstacles out of the way right
now.
A way you can do this,practically speaking, is after
we're done here, take a fewminutes out of your day.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
Homework.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Answer Absolutely.
We're biblical counselors.
There's some homework thrown inhere.
Take a few minutes to answerthese questions.
I actually want you to writethem down.
What are the causes that I careabout?
And those are probably going tocome pretty easily to your mind
.
Write them down.
What are my plans?
What are my goals?
List them.
After you've written them out,here's what I want you to do.
(22:10):
I want you to categorize themin three ways, and we've got
these on our website, so if youdon't have time to write them
down right now, you can go tovows2keepcom and find them in
this broadcast.
Number one is this a godlypursuit?
Is this, for God's kingdom,something that, as a marriage,
we should both be committed to,something that I am really just
eye to eye with God on?
I am all in on his kingdom inthis thing?
Is that what this pursuit is?
Or is this a non-sinful pursuit, something that might be a
(22:34):
hobby or just an interest ofmine?
The things that sum up thosepersonal preferences.
They cannot be defended as toppriorities, but they help us to
know what we are all about.
I think writing stuff like thisdown helps you to know what I'm
putting in top priority, andmaybe some of those need to flip
now.
And then number three does thisfall into the potentially
(22:56):
sinful category?
Or maybe this is a pursuit thatis going to trigger a sin down
the road?
And if I nip it in the bud now,with God's help it's not going
to turn into a sin?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
So then, after you've had a chance to consider your
own agenda, now we're going toask you to do the same thing for
your spouse, again consideringwhat's meaningful to them.
And, if you don't know, this isa great conversation to have,
and the best part is when youshare with them what your goal
is in asking this question, youare going to really start a
(23:28):
pretty cool effect in yourmarriage this week.
Ask yourself, how can you be anencourager, how can you provide
margin and resources, how canyou get right in the middle of
what they're up to and how canyou go shoulder to shoulder with
each other?
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Answering that and taking action on those things is
going to take you from being anobserver into the spot of
participant all the way.
So your spouse feels that youare their champion, they will
feel pursued and your me andyour my and your I is going to
go quickly back to God'soriginal intent of we.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:28):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:49):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
And, like you, we've made vows to keep.
Today's show is going to bekind of a fun one, for me at
least, because it's a topic thatis something that's very near
and dear to my heart as I'vegone through the progression
we're going to be talking abouttoday being someone who's an
observer in a relationship tosomeone who's actually a
champion for that relationship.
Now, tracy, I want to tell thelisteners about one of my many
(00:47):
vices in life, which is YouTubecar videos.
I could seemingly watch anendless supply of videos on
YouTube about building hot rodsand yeah, I'm a car guy, if you
don't know that but there'sseveral YouTube channels that
right now are just explosive ingrowth and there's a common
thread that I keep seeing inthem.
(01:07):
Anytime a guy has his girlworking side by side with him
and they actually work welltogether, the comment section on
those videos is just explosive.
You see this mixture of guyssaying man, my wife is so busy
being a mom She'd never want tobe a wife with me in this, or I
wish she would care like that.
They just totally fall all overa relationship that actually
(01:30):
works.
Now you see some that are moreresentful.
They're like.
You know what.
This is my hobby and I am justgrateful that I can have a
little time away from thiscranky woman that I'm married to
.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yikes, yeah, but there's probably like a wife
equivalent of that, like whatare you doing out in the garage?
And what happened to oursoulmate companionship that we
used to have?
Here's an example of the otherside of that when David and I
are in public and other womensee his arm around me, they
might wish that's them.
At the end of the day, we allwant to feel pursued and many of
(02:01):
us don't, and what ends uphappening is we don't
reciprocate to the other person.
We just end up pursuing what ismeaningful to us, what makes us
happy, and I think this quoteunquote we or us of marriage
slowly transitions into me or myor I, and even sometimes the
they and the them, like the kidsand the boss and the friends.
(02:23):
David and I at times haveforgotten that we, and when we
find ourselves in that spot,it's because we've lost sight of
one of God's main purposes formarriage, and David's actually
going to talk about that forjust a minute.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yeah, in Genesis, chapter two, we see that God
gives Eve to Adam.
It was a solution to a problemthat God himself identified.
He says in Genesis two it's notgood for man to be alone.
I mean, no truer words havebeen said, but he's got an
answer.
He says I'm going to make ahelper that is suitable for him,
and this is one of the bestverses in the Bible.
I thank God for that every day,for that helper, because up
(02:59):
until this point in creation,god had stated over and, over
and over again it's good, it'sgood, it's good.
And for the first time God sayswhoa, that's actually not good.
I think I need to do a littlebit of something special,
something extra here, to allowthis man to have someone who's
going to serve alongside him andhelp steward this creation that
(03:20):
I've just given them Well atVows to Keep.
We sit with couples who come tous all the time and it's like
they're in this state offorgetfulness a state that we
actually can see in Adam and Eveat a certain point where
they're lost in sin, inselfishness.
They are totally confused abouthow could I ever get back to
the we that we're talking about?
(03:40):
The problem is that the me andthe my has gotten so big I can't
actually see anything else.
They've forgotten maybe theynever actually understood at all
that God intended a purpose fortheir marriage, and that is
something that, when they're notfocused on that purpose, it
prepares them for marital defeatat the hands of the enemy.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
And that enemy we can see back in Genesis, chapter
three.
He's already starting to work.
He's working to convince useven now, like he convinced Eve.
Hey, you're better off alone,you're better off just chasing
after, trying to capture,through any means, what feels
good to you, what is going tomake you feel good and whole and
wise, to get us to that placeof isolation where we believe
(04:23):
that lie.
We're each in our own camps.
The enemy is this type of tugand war argument between us.
Now, maybe you and your spousedon't argue, maybe it's just a
silent argument, or maybe it'san all out screaming match.
I don't know what your homelooks like, but there is a tug
of war where we as couples, andthen as individuals, we're going
to try to say, hey, this is howwe're going to spend our time
(04:45):
and our money and our talents.
And, like David just did to me,he yanks one way and I yank the
other, and we end up in the mudin the middle.
We want so badly, I think,sometimes for our spouse just to
get us.
Like I just want you tounderstand me and get on board
with my plans, and I get tiredof waiting for you to come
alongside me.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I get tired of waiting for you to come
alongside me.
I get tired of waiting for youto be my cheerleader and my
advocate.
This back and forth can go onfor a lifetime.
We've met couples that havebeen married for 30, 40, 50
years and the deep hurt, thedeep bitterness and resentment,
the unforgiveness I mean it iseverywhere in their relationship
.
Why is that?
Well, here's the punchline whenour spouse doesn't show
interest in what we're doing, wetranslate that into the fact
that they're not interested inme.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Now it's going to sound like just for a minute I'm
veering off our topic here, buttrust me, bear with me, I'm
going to come right back to it.
This all is going to make sensein a second.
So Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
.
I don't know if you knew thator not, but that means that we
fundraise in order to ministerto couples.
We do that through radio,through events all throughout
the year and throughcouple-to-couple counseling, and
(05:53):
we've learned in thisfundraising process that there's
a progression that people make,and David kind of alluded to it
a little bit earlier.
But people can go from being anobserver and this would be
someone who just knows about usand is like, yeah, you go, you
Someone who's a participant, andthat would be someone who is a
radio listener, someone whocomes to one of our events.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
That'd be you.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Absolutely.
And then there's the champions,and those are the people who
say I'm going to give to youevery single month because I'm
on mission with you.
I don't just approve of yourmission with a thumbs up.
I I'm on mission with you.
I don't just approve of yourmission with a thumbs up, I want
to be working alongside you.
They're the ones that sendpeople to us for counseling.
They're the ones that come tothe events and they volunteer at
the events.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
So it's an evolution that we actually are optimistic,
that all of you as radiolisteners, that's a transition
that we hope you are making andwe want to be on mission
together with you to reallybuild this body of Christ,
especially the marriage part,the family part of it.
And when all of us worktogether and do our part, we can
accomplish what Ephesians 4talks about.
(06:54):
And that's what we mean bychampion.
It's someone who is yoked upwith you plowing the same ground
as God's called you to work.
So let's shift gears and goback to your marriage, thinking
about that progression frombeing an observer to a
participant, to someone who's achampion and really an owner of
a cause.
Maybe your spouse hasn't gottento that level with you, maybe
(07:16):
they're still kind of watchingto see what you do and really
observing.
Or maybe they know yourpatterns, they know what's
coming next and, frankly,they're kind of tired of it.
They're almost to the pointwhere they've given up trying to
change you even.
Or maybe you haven't gotten tothat level for them.
You feel like, okay, I've triedto participate in what they're
(07:36):
doing and, honestly, it reallydidn't pay off.
In fact, maybe I even gotburned.
Or you saw your spouse givesome fickle attempt at
participating in something thatmeant a lot to you, but they
didn't stick it out for the longrun, so why should I do that
for them?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So in today's broadcast of Vows to Keep Radio,
we're going to talk about whatit means to be your spouse's
champion, why you're called todo it, what keeps us on the
sidelines in that observer campfor long periods of time.
And we're going to answer someof the questions you might
already be thinking about in theback of your head, like what if
what they're after is sinful?
What do I do with that?
I don't want to champion that,or maybe it's not sinful, but
(08:14):
it's selfish and I don't want tofeed into that.
So what's my position?
We're going to get to all that,so we're really glad you're
here today.
So the first thing we're goingto jump into today is what it
means to champion your spouse.
I want to put this in the lightof kids for just a minute,
david, because we are verycommitted to our kids' interests
.
We rearrange our entire livessometimes to make their success
(08:37):
possible.
We want to give our kids thebest shot at a happy life, and
that causes us to do somethingkind of interesting, to shift
our priorities and expend energyreally at great expense, and we
do it all again in a heartbeat,that's for sure.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
That's culturally the norm.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Yeah, we never consider letting someone else
take over the role of gettingthem to all their practices and
being the assistant coach andgetting all the special treats
for the special day.
In short, we go all out, nomatter the expense, to our
pockets, our time, our energy.
We actually counted our dutyand our pleasure to be our kids'
(09:14):
greatest champion.
So what makes the difference inhow we react to what our kids
want versus what our spousewants?
I think two things inparticular.
We see our kids' future and wesee our kids' hearts.
We're soft to those things andso we react.
Now the vice versa of that iswe've stopped seeing our
(09:34):
spouse's future.
We've stopped believing thatthey could grow and change and
make a difference in someoneelse's life.
We've stopped seeing theirheart.
We're blinded to what theirtrue heart needs are.
Or if we do see them, we don'twant to get into the middle of
the mess.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
So, tracy, how is it that we can be really practical
and actually have our spousefeel pursued?
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Well, let's talk about a couple of ways, and I
think I'm going to go back toyour YouTube car analogy for
just a minute here, because thatis a wife going shoulder to
shoulder with her husband.
When we pull back the lens andwe look at how our spouse spends
their day, knowing what Davidlikes, I could put down what's
interesting to me and insteadput on a pair of dirty overalls
and just go out in the what ifwhat they're doing is helping
(10:26):
others in some way, something assimple as actually making
dinner for your family or doinglaundry?
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Those are things where you can show them the
value of that extra effort.
Thank them, tell them that whatthey're doing is making a
difference and it matters.
When your spouse is up tosomething that you can see,
maybe through your eyes, doesn'thave value.
So often what we tend to do isjust react with like why are you
doing this Seriously, likeagain Tonight?
(10:55):
But what if we could look at itdifferently?
What if we could see the valuein what they're doing and
encourage them?
Something like identifyingwhere perseverance is really
required, where faithfulness isessential, or having a lot of
patience?
Those are all things where youcan encourage someone in what
they're doing.
Even if the cause isn't one youpersonally resonate with, you
can still get engaged.
(11:15):
You can still be an encouragerto them.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
So one way in our house that David really
practically pursues me is bygiving me margin to pursue a
goal that I have set orsomething that God's laid on my
heart, and we're gonna be doingan entire broadcast coming up in
this powerful pursuit series onthis.
But I want to touch on itreally briefly here.
I bet that your spouse ishaving a hard time finding time
(11:38):
to reach their goals.
So give them that time.
Be their champion in that bytaking over another
responsibility that they haveand making it possible for them
to pursue what matters to them.
So why do we need to be ourspouse's champion?
I think to answer that we gotto go back to the Garden of Eden
, back where Satan first startedto kind of worm his way in and
(11:58):
create this isolation game thatus, as the human race, is still
playing today.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Yeah, in God's perfect design.
We can look back in Genesis 2,and he sends Eve to be all of
these things that we've justtalked about to Adam.
Adam's going to need her tofulfill his God-given role in
life.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
And if you look back at Genesis 2.18, it says it's
not good for man to be alone.
I'm going to make a helpersuitable for him.
I want to look at that wordhelper for just a second.
In the Hebrew, the originallanguage is the word ezer.
Now don't quote me if I'mpronouncing that correctly or
not, but it's actually used onlyin the Old Testament and it's
usually used to describe Godwhich I think is really
interesting as a helper, as aprotector, a rescuer and a
(12:43):
savior, and thank the Lord thatGod gives us the human
equivalent of his love for usright here in this marriage
relationship.
But if you look at this wordeaser used for God, he's a
helper who sees our future.
He sees our heart, just likeyou see your kids' future and
your kids' heart.
He sees our greatest need andhe's taken up our cause.
(13:05):
If you look at this progressionfrom observer to participant to
champion and you look how God,where he's at in that, in your
life, he's not a bystander, he'snot a part-time participant
only engaging with you when it'sconvenient for him.
He is your absolute champion,who sees past your selfish
desires and sees to yourgreatest need.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
You are so perfectly positioned inside of marriage.
You're handpicked and lovinglyplaced in your spouse's life to
champion them.
Think about that.
It's so easy to lose sight ofthis, to forget the we and to
start to focus on the me, andwhen our heart gets bitter
toward our spouse for not reallyhaving them, see us and what
(13:48):
matters to us.
That's the reason why it's socritical that we stay in
lockstep with our champion,jesus Christ, because without
Jesus, oh, you can get sidewayson this so easily.
Hebrews 12 says this let us runwith perseverance the race
that's marked out for us, fixingour eyes on Jesus, the pioneer
(14:09):
and perfecter of our faith, forthe joy set before him.
He endured the cross, scorningits shame, and sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured suchopposition from sinners.
So that you will not grow wearyand lose heart, we need to keep
a close eye on our heart andour motivation, and that's
(14:30):
because there's consequences fornot being our spouse's champion
, and I can think of four thatjust jump right out to me.
The first is that your spousemay find someone else to go
shoulder to shoulder with.
Maybe that's already happeningin your marriage.
The second is this gap betweenus inside of our marriage grows
wider, grows bigger.
(14:51):
The third is that they mightactually be your spouse, might
actually be hindered infulfilling their God-given
mission in life without youbeing a part of it.
And the fourth is the witnessabout who God is the story that
our marriage is designed to tell.
The light that our marriage issupposed to bring into the world
.
Well, it's dimmed.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
So what keeps us from being our spouse's champion?
What keeps us just taking theeasy way out being that observer
?
Well, generally it's becausewhat our spouse is into is just
not our preference.
And you know what?
I've also got my own agenda, soI'm going to give a quick
example of a couple that we havein our life.
The husband comes home from workand one of his favorite things
(15:32):
to do is sit down and catch upon current events.
That is very important to himand he's so into it that a lot
of times he brings his phone tothe dinner table and he's still
kind of checking out the socialmedia, watching the news.
This is what their dailypractice is.
And the wife is gettingfrustrated because she's at the
table saying hey, connect withme, go eye to eye with me, I
really want you to invest in thekids.
(15:52):
And she's saying why aren't youinterested in what I'm
interested in?
Why aren't you asking about myday, about my feisty
conversation with my mom that wehad?
I really need to talk throughthis.
Or here's what happened withthe kids.
And he's saying that's justmundane to me, like I don't want
to go through that again.
I don't want to talk about thatfinancial situation again.
(16:13):
I want you to be interested inme.
So here they are.
They're in this tug of war thatyou and I have been talking
about this entire time.
They're both saying look at me,look at me.
Neither is giving to the otherperson.
Here's a possible scenario fortheir life, and I'm not God, I
don't know everything, buthere's something that I would do
so she could sit down with himand watch the news with him and
(16:34):
maybe even discuss it afterwards.
And I love how God's word cancome into the middle of this
David because she could actuallybe the reminder to him that God
is in control, that we don'tknow what's going to happen.
And if we get too wrapped up insome of the news type stuff, we
can start to get discouragedand we start to forget that God
is sovereign.
(16:55):
And here's something he coulddo.
He could acknowledge that sheput in a long day with those
kiddos.
He could thank her for beingfinancially responsible when she
tells him about a good dealthat she found online, rather
than just kind of rolling hiseyes.
He could encourage her to be awitness to her mom when they
talk on the phone next time.
There are ways that that tug ofwar can just come to a complete
(17:16):
halt when they start makingtheir spouse's agenda their
agenda.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
What we're trying to say is that this isn't about
making your marriage about thetopics of the news and the kids
and so on.
What we're trying to say is youneed to build your marriage
foundation on pursuing Godtogether, but in the process of
doing that, you're going to bealso pursuing your spouse.
God is madly in love with yourspouse and he might have you
(17:45):
take interest in what intereststhem to show them his love.
So let's take a few minutes,tracy, and talk about those
burning questions that are inthe back of our minds when we
think about what it means topursue our spouse.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
One of them is what if my spouse's cause?
What if their goal is anungodly one?
Aren't I justified in beingresistive to that?
Speaker 3 (18:11):
And this is such a good question.
I actually would say weabsolutely have a biblical
responsibility to admonish ourspouse in areas where what
they're pursuing is wrong, it'ssinful, and God will use your
actions even more than yourvoice.
So be very thoughtful about howyou approach this.
Don't try to take on the roleof the Holy Spirit, but be
(18:31):
willing to live in a way thatreally shows and represents
Christ to them.
This means that you need toknow biblically exactly what
you're standing on.
Use God's word as the standard.
What forms your opinion, anddon't make it be about your
opinion purely, because all ittakes is one time where your
spouse realizes you know whatyour objection is really, just
(18:52):
because your personal preferenceand my personal preference
don't align.
This isn't a scriptural issueand guess what?
You've blown your credibilityfor how you might confront them
in other times.
You want to make sure thatpleasing you is never going to
define what's right and wrong,but instead that God's word,
that scripture, defines what'sright and wrong.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
So let's look at a second question that you may be
thinking right now.
So maybe their pursuit isn'tsinful, but it's kind of selfish
and it's taken away from ourtime together.
You want me to feed into that?
Won't that just make thingsworse?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
The way that we judge others, the Bible says, is
actually the same way in whichwe will be judged, and that is a
hard, hard thing to think aboutin the context of what we're
talking about.
If we're honest, we all strugglewith being selfish, and
probably the agenda that you arewanting your spouse to drop is
so that they'll pick up youragenda.
And that's a tough thing whenwe're being honest with
(19:47):
ourselves, because it's so easyto justify that what I want is
more good, more right.
There's all these ways that wecan find our cause more worthy.
At the end of the day, a lot oftimes it's actually not about
that at all.
Over the long haul, you're notgoing to go wrong in being
someone who puts other people'sagenda, especially your spouse's
agenda, ahead of your own.
(20:07):
Of course, keeping in mind God'sagenda is actually first.
What that means is, I'm tellingyou you have to be third,
because God has designed yourmarriage in such a way that he
rewards the person who is lastwith the benefits of those who
come first.
And it may not come right away.
I mean, it might be the nextday, it might be several months
(20:28):
before your spouse reallyrealizes what you're doing and
how you're serving them.
It might be years, it might bethe day you set your foot in
heaven before you see the fruitof that investment.
I think it's easy for someonewho is not a believer to become
pretty self-absorbed andactually say, oh good, now that
you're in the mode of serving me, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Here's my list.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Yeah, exactly.
But when you put this in thecontext of what we're called to
do in God's word, I mean,there's some people I know that
are going to be listening tothis and they're thinking, okay,
my spouse isn't a believer, andof course what they want is
selfish.
Well, guess what your missionis?
To win them over, and the waythat you do that is with the
(21:11):
love of Christ.
You do that consistently overtime, and they will soon realize
that, in fact, they are notyour mission, but rather your
pursuit of God is somethingwhich causes you to pursue them.
Let me say it this way it'sless about your spouse's cause,
it's more about being eager tomake you more about them.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
So, as a way to wrap this up today on Vows to Keep
Radio, if we are to pursue ourspouse by pursuing their
interests, by pursuing theirpursuits, let's start by looking
at our agenda, because werealize that that gets in the
way.
So let's get all thoseobstacles out of the way right
now.
A way you can do this,practically speaking, is after
we're done here, take a fewminutes out of your day.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
Homework.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Answer Absolutely.
We're biblical counselors.
There's some homework thrown inhere.
Take a few minutes to answerthese questions.
I actually want you to writethem down.
What are the causes that I careabout?
And those are probably going tocome pretty easily to your mind
.
Write them down.
What are my plans?
What are my goals?
List them.
After you've written them out,here's what I want you to do.
(22:10):
I want you to categorize themin three ways, and we've got
these on our website, so if youdon't have time to write them
down right now, you can go tovows2keepcom and find them in
this broadcast.
Number one is this a godlypursuit?
Is this, for God's kingdom,something that, as a marriage,
we should both be committed to,something that I am really just
eye to eye with God on?
I am all in on his kingdom inthis thing?
Is that what this pursuit is?
Or is this a non-sinful pursuit, something that might be a
(22:34):
hobby or just an interest ofmine?
The things that sum up thosepersonal preferences.
They cannot be defended as toppriorities, but they help us to
know what we are all about.
I think writing stuff like thisdown helps you to know what I'm
putting in top priority, andmaybe some of those need to flip
now.
And then number three does thisfall into the potentially
(22:56):
sinful category?
Or maybe this is a pursuit thatis going to trigger a sin down
the road?
And if I nip it in the bud now,with God's help it's not going
to turn into a sin?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
So then, after you've had a chance to consider your
own agenda, now we're going toask you to do the same thing for
your spouse, again consideringwhat's meaningful to them.
And, if you don't know, this isa great conversation to have,
and the best part is when youshare with them what your goal
is in asking this question, youare going to really start a
(23:28):
pretty cool effect in yourmarriage this week.
Ask yourself, how can you be anencourager, how can you provide
margin and resources, how canyou get right in the middle of
what they're up to and how canyou go shoulder to shoulder with
each other?
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Answering that and taking action on those things is
going to take you from being anobserver into the spot of
participant all the way.
So your spouse feels that youare their champion, they will
feel pursued and your me andyour my and your I is going to
go quickly back to God'soriginal intent of we.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:28):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:49):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
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