April 14, 2025 • 24 mins
Beyond Self-Esteem: Finding Worth in Christ :: [Ep. 264]
Last week, we started the conversation about Self-Worth and Self-Esteem. This week, we are concluding that conversation. In this episode, we are learning just how a biblical perspective on self-worth can transform hearts and marriages. Rather than embracing the world's definition of self-esteem, we are discovering that our true value comes from being made in God's image and chosen by Him.
We will cover the following:
• Satan manipulates our self-perception to damage our marriages, convincing us we deserve better than our spouse
• The "I am who I am" mentality creates a false comfort zone that prevents growth and transformation in relationships
• Biblical confidence means thinking of ourselves less rather than thinking less of ourselves
• How to transition from being "puffed up" to being "filled up" with God's truth and how that transforms how we serve our spouse
For further study on this topic, listen to our previous broadcasts titled "Idols of the Heart," read John 13, 1 Corinthians, or Tim Keller's "The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness."
Happy listening!!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
And we've made Vows to Keep.
Last week, on Vows to KeepRadio, we began our search,
together with you, to have agodly view of ourselves, sifting
through all the messages of theworld and letting the lies fall
through the cracks.
If you haven't heard it, joshWilson has an amazing song out
there called Selfless, and thepunchline of the song says this
(00:50):
it's not about thinking less ofyourself, but thinking of myself
less.
This isn't a song about beatingmyself down.
See, I'm living under grace forGod's all of the world, so much
that I'm free to do the samething.
Last week, we started bydefining and comparing what
self-esteem is, what selfishnessis, what worth and identity,
(01:17):
pride and confidence all have todo with each other.
Second, we looked at how anaccurate view of self affects
our lives and our marriages, andwe're going to continue that
conversation today.
And finally, we'll finish ourconversation by going from being
puffed up to being filled up,how we move forward from where
we are today.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
David.
There are so many sides to thisself-esteem coin, so to speak.
Even a lot of Christians arenot agreeing on a solid
definition of self-esteem andwhether or not we need to have
low self-esteem or highself-esteem.
So before we jump into afurther discussion on how an
accurate view of ourself affectsour marriages, let's look
briefly at this again, just likewe did last week, and I think a
(01:52):
great place to start with thatis.
Let's look at Jesus, because,honestly, we could turn to lots
of different websites, we couldturn to lots of different quote
unquote experts on this topic,but really, if we looked at
Jesus, we're probably going toget the best definition of how
we should view ourselves fromhim.
(02:16):
Let's look at Jesus at his birth.
He was born lowly in a stableand here he is, the king of all
kings.
And then, at age 12, we see himagain.
He's in the temple and hedoesn't even care what his
closest relatives think of him.
He is just concerned about whathis father is up to and what
his father has called him to do.
Then we see him in actionduring these three years of his
earthly ministry.
He's not up at some pulpitcollecting all the money from
(02:37):
all the congregation.
He's not trying to gain someoneelse's throne by kicking them
off.
He is on the floor on his kneeswashing the disciples' feet.
He is letting his hands andfeet be nailed to a cross so
that we could have arelationship with the Father.
Talk about amazing.
It completely adjusts mypreconceived and misguided
(03:00):
conceptions about self-esteem soquickly.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
Listen to John chapter six.
This is picking up in verse 38.
And this is a passage of Jesus'self-conceptions pretty much
summed up nicely for us.
It says for I've come down fromheaven not to do my will, but
to do the will of him who sentme.
And this is the will of him whosent me that I should lose none
(03:25):
of those he has given to me,but raise them up at the last
day so that they will haveeternal life.
So self-esteem is all aboutwhere we're focused, and Jesus
shows us where our eyes shouldbe by showing us where his eyes
were.
He says in John chapter 8,verse 50, I'm not seeking my own
glory.
John Piper interprets this tomean that Jesus wasn't seeking
(03:47):
some temporary glory, somethinghe could have gotten here on
earth, like wealth or power orprestige the kind of things that
we look for.
He was only concerned withbringing glory to the Father.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Now I want you to note something here today.
Jesus did not neglect himself.
He took time away to be renewedspiritually.
He took time to eat.
He took time away to be renewedspiritually.
He took time to eat.
He took time to rest and tofellowship.
God is not suggesting that anyof us hate ourselves.
In fact, he wants us tounderstand this issue from his
divine order.
Listen to 1 Corinthians,chapter 6.
It says do you not know thatyour body is a temple of the
(04:22):
Holy Spirit within you, whom youhave from God?
You are not your own.
You were bought with a price.
So glorify God in your body.
God is showing you that you areso valuable that God himself
makes his home in you.
And what God is teaching is thattrue worth is found in knowing
who we are in God.
Jesus knew we just looked atthat.
(04:43):
He was more than certain of hisposition and his purpose.
And God wants to show us thattrue worth is found in living a
life of loving sacrifice,seeking God's glory, not our own
.
He says in John 8, 54,.
If I glorify myself, then myglory means nothing.
That's because Jesus was in itfor the Father.
He was in it for the long game.
He was in it for us.
(05:04):
How easy would it have been, inthose really difficult moments
of his ministry, in his timehere with us on earth, just to
wash his hands of the wholething.
It would have been so easy forhim, like it is for us, to focus
on our feelings or to hold agrudge against all who were
abusing and threatening him.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
Jesus not only had his worth and purpose down pat,
he's got ours down pat too.
Think about this how does Jesusview us before and after
salvation?
It's something that I think wecan see the evidence by his
actions.
So let's continue today on VowsKeep Radio on our second point
how an accurate view of ourselfaffects our lives and our
(05:44):
marriages.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
When we've got this upside down, things get lopsided
really quick.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
Satan plays both sides of the field, convincing
us that we don't need God andall we are is entangled by the
demands that God's word seems tobe putting on us.
So you know what?
I'm going to free myself of allthat by just being me.
And then he manipulates ourworth, our self-esteem, by
convincing us that we are ofmore value than our spouse.
(06:11):
Of course, he doesn't put it inthose terms, though.
We begin to entertain thoughtslike you know what.
I've been doing my part, andwhat about you?
He doesn't do anything aroundhere, and hasn't for years.
I don't even know if I'm stillin love with her anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
We begin to play the comparison game with our spouse
looking at our accomplishmentscompared with theirs, looking at
how far we've come compared tothem.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
All in perfect timing .
Satan will plant someone elsewho values you tremendously,
someone who makes you ask thequestion why should I stay
married to this person when thisnew person in my life makes me
feel like the jewel, thetreasure, the valuable person
that I am?
On the other side of the field,there's Satan.
He's lying, she only nags me,and all she does is point out
(06:58):
how disappointed she is in me.
When was the last time sherespected me as the man I am
Like?
Never right.
What we're describing here is amerit-based love.
You will get love when I seehow you perform for me.
The truth is, though, none ofus ever measure up.
Instead of going to God's word,we fall prey to Satan's
(07:19):
long-term game.
Satan's game is tricking youinto thinking that selfish
self-love is what you're missing.
He wants you to have aninaccurate view of yourself and
to convince you that your spousedoesn't value you, making you
want to leave them.
They're now not onlyunnecessary in your life,
they're actually a hindrance towhat you want.
(07:40):
Ironically, satan wants you tolook at God in the exact same
way.
He's holding you back.
He's got you under his thumb.
You'd be better off without him.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
He leads us to believe hey, you've got your
platform, you've got your youth,you've got your looks, your
health, your future and allthat's inside of you.
And that's not only enough.
It's such an abundance that youdon't need anyone or anything
else.
This is Satan's lie aboutself-esteem.
When we stand on the mantra ofI am who I am and you can't
(08:10):
change me and I don't need tochange a face-off with our
spouse, holding on to what wevalue or what we think gives us
value, we don't gain anything.
We actually lose.
See, the I am who I am phraseis a deceiving place of rest
that often we snuggle down intobecause it's comfortable and if
(08:31):
I'm far enough down into mydeception, I don't have to get
out.
In fact, I can convince peopleand even myself that I never
have to get out.
And if I can continue to standon the platform of I am who I am
and you've got to accept me theway that I am, that's a
comfortable place to be becausein that spot I don't have to
change, or at least I don't haveto change according to what
(08:55):
God's word is asking of me.
I create new rules, my rules formyself, and the change that I
begin to chase is all change.
That's superficial, it's all onthe outside.
I can change the color of myliving room walls.
I can change the color of myhair.
I can even change the color ofmy teeth Things that make me
feel good.
(09:15):
Just for a moment, I can focuson all the outward appearance
things.
I can start hanging out withdifferent people that make me
feel good because I esteem theirvalue.
I can start pursuing thispromotion at work.
I can start hanging out withdifferent people that make me
feel good because I esteem theirvalue.
I can start pursuing thispromotion at work.
I can start even pursuing thisother person in my life because
that's the change I'm lookingfor.
But that's not the truth of whoGod has called us and made us to
(09:37):
be.
If you are a believer in JesusChrist, your old sinful nature
is gone and a new life has come.
We see that in secondCorinthians, chapter 5.
It says in verse 16 so we havestopped evaluating others from a
human point of view.
That's basically what we'retalking about here today.
We are not going to evaluateourselves anymore from a worldly
(10:01):
standpoint.
It even says in the same verseat one time we thought of Christ
merely from a human point ofview, but how differently we
know him now.
This means that anyone whobelongs to Christ has become a
new person.
The old life is gone and a newlife has begun.
And now in this new life, wehave a calling, not to love
(10:21):
ourselves, because of coursethat just comes naturally to us,
but a calling to take it onestep further, to fulfill the
great commandment to love ourneighbor as ourself.
The world would look at someonewith low self-esteem in a poor
marriage and say, well, theydon't know that they deserve
better, but they do.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
So you've got this person with low self-esteem, and
if only they could understandthat they're in that state
because they don't care aboutthemselves and they let their
spouse use them.
Now a godly person in thatsituation might be looking at
themselves and saying you knowwhat?
I confidently know that Ideserve nothing, and it's from
the abundance of Christ that Igive and I serve my spouse.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
I think I know the scripture you're referring to
here.
David out of Philippians,chapter two, where we are called
to have humility like Christhad.
It says in verse six thatthough he was God, he did not
even think of equality with Godas something that he could cling
to.
Instead, he gave up his divineprivileges, he took the humble
(11:24):
position of a slave, if you canimagine that.
And he was born as a humanbeing.
And when he appeared in humanform, he didn't just stop there.
He humbled himself in obedienceto God.
He didn't say I deserveeverything, even though he did.
He humbled himself not to aplace of low self-esteem, but to
a place of humility, knowingthat he was called by God to lay
(11:49):
down his life in love.
And you and I are called to dothe exact same thing in our
marriages.
To take the form of a servant,says in verse seven.
He emptied himself, he took theform of a servant and he died a
criminal's death on a cross.
He died our death on the cross.
He did nothing from selfishambition.
(12:10):
He did nothing from conceit orpuffed up pride, but in humility
he counted us as moresignificant than himself.
If this is hitting home withyou today, I really encourage
you to study, read and prayabout Philippians, chapter 2.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
You see, a believer and a non-believer could look
actually very similar on theoutside, but inside they could
be motivated by somethingtotally different, someone who's
not concerned for theirwell-being because they trust
God.
They trust His hand, the lovethat they carry and the way that
they work in their marriage istrusting His sovereignty at work
, and that person can actuallybe happy to serve someone who
(12:50):
has no current desire to thankthem for their efforts, to even
acknowledge their love.
To an outside observer they canevaluate a Christian in this
position for someone with lowself-esteem and no self-worth.
God would evaluate that personas someone who's trying to win
their spouse to the Lord withlove.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
You've been listening to Vows to Keep Radio with
David and Tracy Sellers.
They'll return shortly withmore of today's broadcast.
Vows to Keep wants to help.
Today's quick marriage questionwas submitted by a listener
like you.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's quick marriage question
and their response.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
David and Tracy, my husband and I are struggling
with physical unity.
I don't feel good about how Ilook and I know it's affecting
my marriage.
In answer to that, I suspectyou might know this, but a
negative self-image of a wifecosts a husband joy in marriage.
If a wife is negative abouttheir body or themselves, the
husband can actually grow wearyof the fight, so to speak.
(13:56):
Let your husband speak truthinto your life about who you are
in Christ and about howattracted he is to you.
I believe that people who feelthey have a low self-image need
truth on a very consistent basis.
Don't let your husband'scompliments bounce off of you.
Accept them as truth and lethim walk beside you to show you
(14:20):
how valuable you are to him andto Christ.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows2keep will respond to youvia email and perhaps use it on
the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows2Keepcom.
Vows To Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows To Keep.
Radio with David and TracySellers.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
The truth.
Jesus teaches us about ourworth and the enemy's
counterfeit quote unquote truthare polar opposites to each
other.
God shows us that we are worthso much to him he gave his
beloved son for us.
Satan tells us that we're worthso much we should puff
ourselves up to the highestpossible point we can get to.
Which one are you and I goingto follow?
(15:04):
It's in the everyday, littletiny decisions where we see that
choice being made.
This isn't just a one fell swoopdecision.
Okay, now I'm going to believeGod wholeheartedly.
No, this is a moment by moment,step of faith, saying God, I
trust you to take care of me asI lay down my life for a friend,
(15:25):
as I lay down my preferences,as I lay down my agenda, as I
let you fill me up.
It is which way we will choosein the little things that deeply
affects our marriages.
Jesus teaches about servingothers in Matthew, chapter 20.
It goes like this then themother of James and John, the
sons of Zebedee, came to Jesuswith her sons.
(15:47):
She knelt respectfully to ask afavor.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
What is your request?
He asked.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
She replied in your kingdom.
Please let my two sons sit inplaces of honor next to you, one
on your right and the other onyour left.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
But Jesus answered by saying to them you don't know
what you're asking.
Are you able to drink from thebitter cup of suffering?
I'm about to drink.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Oh, yes, they replied , we are able.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
Jesus told them then you will indeed drink from my
bitter cup, but I have no rightto say who will sit on my right
or left.
My Father has prepared thoseplaces for the ones that he has
chosen.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
When the ten other disciples heard what James and
John had asked, they wereindignant, but Jesus called them
together and said this you knowthat the rulers in this world
lorded over their people, andthe officials flaunt their
authority over those under them.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
But among you it will be different.
Whoever wants to be a leaderamong you must be a servant.
Whoever wants to be the firstamong you must become your slave
.
For even the Son of man camenot to be served but to serve
others and to give his life as aransom for many.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
That is such an eye-opening passage to me.
It shows our human nature it'sjust to seek glory for ourselves
.
And it shows the cost and thereward of serving Christ and the
motivation of why we follow inhis footsteps.
Passage after passage in God'sword calls us to live a life of
love because we have been lovedby God.
(17:18):
He has called us to a life ofservice, serving others in him,
and we find our value in that.
And it doesn't come naturallyto us.
We can all see that in just theeveryday choices that we make.
But God has called us to change.
He set us on a trajectory ofchange, conforming us into the
image of his son Praise God forthat Transforming our hearts
(17:40):
little by little, shifting thefocus of our lives from
self-love to love of others.
2 Corinthians 3.18 speaks tothat and we can take this part
out if we need to.
And we all who, with unveiledfaces, contemplate the Lord's
glory, are being transformedinto his image with ever
increasing glory which comesfrom the Lord, who is the spirit
(18:02):
I hope none of us stand on theshaky ground of.
This is who I am, so live withit type attitude.
God, give us teachable heartsso we can have an accurate view
of ourselves and let that affectour marriages.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
If you're believing what God says about you, that
you're chosen, that you're loved, cherished, delighted in
forgiven a new creation inChrist Jesus, how does that
affect your marriage?
Then you will eagerly looktowards step number three, which
is how do we go on from here,going from being puffed up to
being filled up?
Our worth is not something thatwe acquire through independence
(18:40):
.
It's not our personality traits, it's not our looks, our
promotions, our possessions,it's not even in our
relationships or our talents.
Our worth is given to us by Godhimself.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
When we recognize that putting our hopes and our
values on how we look is beingpuffed up.
Now we can be filled up becausewe were made in our creator's
image.
There's so much value in that.
Romans 8 says that Godpredestined us to be conformed
to the image of his son.
Psalm 139 tells us that heformed us, every part of us, and
(19:15):
he knows every day of our lives, every word that we're ever
going to say you are loved bythe God of this universe.
That much that fills you uptoday.
Ephesians 1 says that we werechosen for adoption into his
family.
God handpicked you.
There's value in that.
In Romans 12, we're told thathe has entrusted us with his
(19:36):
gifts and his message.
And in Matthew 28, he says nowgo be a good steward of what
I've given you.
So are you puffed up today orare you filled up with the value
that God places on you?
Only God's opinion counts inthe end when we seek to please
our master and our savior.
Knowing that we are fully lovedon both our worst and our best
(19:59):
days, we are fully satisfiedwith a right sense of who we are
.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
So is it about you making a good impression?
No, it's about letting peoplesee Christ working in us and
through us.
Is it about aiming to be ourbest self or is it aiming to be
excellent?
For Christ's sake, when youfail, do you try again?
Are you burying your talent, orare you the man who's willing
to say I'm going to work hardfor Christ's kingdom with this
(20:25):
talent?
Speaker 2 (20:26):
We look at that familiar passage in Matthew 6
where God tells us to seek hiskingdom and his righteousness
first and all these other thingsthat we need.
God tells us to seek hiskingdom and his righteousness
first and all these other thingsthat we need, god's going to
give to us as well.
See, it's all about the focus.
Not to us, o Lord, not to us,but to your name.
Be the glory because of yourlove and faithfulness.
Right before Jesus was triedand sentenced to death, he came
(20:49):
through Jerusalem riding on adonkey.
And sentenced to death, he camethrough Jerusalem riding on a
donkey, a lowly procession forthe king of kings.
Right after that, in that samechapter, in John 12, jesus says
this whoever serves me mustfollow me, and where I am, my
servant also will be.
My father will honor the onewho serves me.
Remember show and tell inkindergarten.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
I do.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Well, this is one of those moments.
First, jesus shows whathumility and service looks like
by coming in on a donkey andthen he tells it to us plainly.
But notice the bookend to hisstatement my father will honor
the one who serves me.
Yes, there's going to be agreat cost to us personally as
we serve and as we lay uptreasures in heaven, fixing our
(21:31):
eyes not on what is seen but onwhat is unseen.
But look what we have to lookforward to a reward from our
Heavenly Father, our Creator.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
So what we see in Jesus is someone who appears to
be lowly here on earth, who isactually totally confident,
totally thought through, aperson focused on God's kingdom
and light of eternity.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
In conclusion, today on Vows to Keep Radio we're
going to look at that JoshWilson song one more time.
It's a song called Selfless.
Two words selfless.
He says it's not about thinkingless of yourself, but thinking
of yourself less.
It's put in such a great,concise form for us as we study
about self-esteem and how weshould view ourselves and how
(22:17):
that affects our marriage.
Because he says this isn't asong about beating ourselves
down, because we're living undergrace, for God so loved the
world that we are free to do thesame.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
And when we're free from the trap of selfish love of
self, then we're free to liveand love like Christ called us
to.
Galatians 5 says this for youhave been called to live in
freedom, my brothers and sisters, but don't use your freedom to
satisfy your sinful nature.
Instead, use your freedom toserve one another in love.
(22:49):
For the whole law can be summedup in this one command love
your neighbor as yourself, andthere's no better advice in a
marriage than that.
Pray with us today, Lord.
Today, I choose in littlemoments to set aside any rights
that I think I have, things thatI'm clinging to, things where
(23:09):
I'm puffing myself up andforgetting who you have made me
and called me to be God.
We need your help to realignour thoughts and our beliefs
about what our worth is, God.
We pray that this would changewhat we're hoping to gain and
what we're hoping to give in ourmarriages as well, that we
(23:31):
would see our marriage as ourvery first mission field,
Because you've loved us, you'vechosen us, You've appointed us
to love you and to love others.
We say with the psalmist not tous, O Lord, not to us, but to
your name.
Be the glory because of yourlove and your faithfulness.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
For further study and encouragement on this, we
encourage you to listen toprevious broadcasts titled Idols
of the Heart that you can findat bowstokeepcom.
We would also encourage you toturn to John, chapter 13 and 1
Corinthians, and a great littlebooklet by Tim Keller called the
Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Bows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:36):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio
(24:58):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
And we've made Vows to Keep.
Last week, on Vows to KeepRadio, we began our search,
together with you, to have agodly view of ourselves, sifting
through all the messages of theworld and letting the lies fall
through the cracks.
If you haven't heard it, joshWilson has an amazing song out
there called Selfless, and thepunchline of the song says this
(00:50):
it's not about thinking less ofyourself, but thinking of myself
less.
This isn't a song about beatingmyself down.
See, I'm living under grace forGod's all of the world, so much
that I'm free to do the samething.
Last week, we started bydefining and comparing what
self-esteem is, what selfishnessis, what worth and identity,
(01:17):
pride and confidence all have todo with each other.
Second, we looked at how anaccurate view of self affects
our lives and our marriages, andwe're going to continue that
conversation today.
And finally, we'll finish ourconversation by going from being
puffed up to being filled up,how we move forward from where
we are today.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
David.
There are so many sides to thisself-esteem coin, so to speak.
Even a lot of Christians arenot agreeing on a solid
definition of self-esteem andwhether or not we need to have
low self-esteem or highself-esteem.
So before we jump into afurther discussion on how an
accurate view of ourself affectsour marriages, let's look
briefly at this again, just likewe did last week, and I think a
(01:52):
great place to start with thatis.
Let's look at Jesus, because,honestly, we could turn to lots
of different websites, we couldturn to lots of different quote
unquote experts on this topic,but really, if we looked at
Jesus, we're probably going toget the best definition of how
we should view ourselves fromhim.
(02:16):
Let's look at Jesus at his birth.
He was born lowly in a stableand here he is, the king of all
kings.
And then, at age 12, we see himagain.
He's in the temple and hedoesn't even care what his
closest relatives think of him.
He is just concerned about whathis father is up to and what
his father has called him to do.
Then we see him in actionduring these three years of his
earthly ministry.
He's not up at some pulpitcollecting all the money from
(02:37):
all the congregation.
He's not trying to gain someoneelse's throne by kicking them
off.
He is on the floor on his kneeswashing the disciples' feet.
He is letting his hands andfeet be nailed to a cross so
that we could have arelationship with the Father.
Talk about amazing.
It completely adjusts mypreconceived and misguided
(03:00):
conceptions about self-esteem soquickly.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
Listen to John chapter six.
This is picking up in verse 38.
And this is a passage of Jesus'self-conceptions pretty much
summed up nicely for us.
It says for I've come down fromheaven not to do my will, but
to do the will of him who sentme.
And this is the will of him whosent me that I should lose none
(03:25):
of those he has given to me,but raise them up at the last
day so that they will haveeternal life.
So self-esteem is all aboutwhere we're focused, and Jesus
shows us where our eyes shouldbe by showing us where his eyes
were.
He says in John chapter 8,verse 50, I'm not seeking my own
glory.
John Piper interprets this tomean that Jesus wasn't seeking
(03:47):
some temporary glory, somethinghe could have gotten here on
earth, like wealth or power orprestige the kind of things that
we look for.
He was only concerned withbringing glory to the Father.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Now I want you to note something here today.
Jesus did not neglect himself.
He took time away to be renewedspiritually.
He took time to eat.
He took time away to be renewedspiritually.
He took time to eat.
He took time to rest and tofellowship.
God is not suggesting that anyof us hate ourselves.
In fact, he wants us tounderstand this issue from his
divine order.
Listen to 1 Corinthians,chapter 6.
It says do you not know thatyour body is a temple of the
(04:22):
Holy Spirit within you, whom youhave from God?
You are not your own.
You were bought with a price.
So glorify God in your body.
God is showing you that you areso valuable that God himself
makes his home in you.
And what God is teaching is thattrue worth is found in knowing
who we are in God.
Jesus knew we just looked atthat.
(04:43):
He was more than certain of hisposition and his purpose.
And God wants to show us thattrue worth is found in living a
life of loving sacrifice,seeking God's glory, not our own
.
He says in John 8, 54,.
If I glorify myself, then myglory means nothing.
That's because Jesus was in itfor the Father.
He was in it for the long game.
He was in it for us.
(05:04):
How easy would it have been, inthose really difficult moments
of his ministry, in his timehere with us on earth, just to
wash his hands of the wholething.
It would have been so easy forhim, like it is for us, to focus
on our feelings or to hold agrudge against all who were
abusing and threatening him.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
Jesus not only had his worth and purpose down pat,
he's got ours down pat too.
Think about this how does Jesusview us before and after
salvation?
It's something that I think wecan see the evidence by his
actions.
So let's continue today on VowsKeep Radio on our second point
how an accurate view of ourselfaffects our lives and our
(05:44):
marriages.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
When we've got this upside down, things get lopsided
really quick.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
Satan plays both sides of the field, convincing
us that we don't need God andall we are is entangled by the
demands that God's word seems tobe putting on us.
So you know what?
I'm going to free myself of allthat by just being me.
And then he manipulates ourworth, our self-esteem, by
convincing us that we are ofmore value than our spouse.
(06:11):
Of course, he doesn't put it inthose terms, though.
We begin to entertain thoughtslike you know what.
I've been doing my part, andwhat about you?
He doesn't do anything aroundhere, and hasn't for years.
I don't even know if I'm stillin love with her anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
We begin to play the comparison game with our spouse
looking at our accomplishmentscompared with theirs, looking at
how far we've come compared tothem.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
All in perfect timing .
Satan will plant someone elsewho values you tremendously,
someone who makes you ask thequestion why should I stay
married to this person when thisnew person in my life makes me
feel like the jewel, thetreasure, the valuable person
that I am?
On the other side of the field,there's Satan.
He's lying, she only nags me,and all she does is point out
(06:58):
how disappointed she is in me.
When was the last time sherespected me as the man I am
Like?
Never right.
What we're describing here is amerit-based love.
You will get love when I seehow you perform for me.
The truth is, though, none ofus ever measure up.
Instead of going to God's word,we fall prey to Satan's
(07:19):
long-term game.
Satan's game is tricking youinto thinking that selfish
self-love is what you're missing.
He wants you to have aninaccurate view of yourself and
to convince you that your spousedoesn't value you, making you
want to leave them.
They're now not onlyunnecessary in your life,
they're actually a hindrance towhat you want.
(07:40):
Ironically, satan wants you tolook at God in the exact same
way.
He's holding you back.
He's got you under his thumb.
You'd be better off without him.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
He leads us to believe hey, you've got your
platform, you've got your youth,you've got your looks, your
health, your future and allthat's inside of you.
And that's not only enough.
It's such an abundance that youdon't need anyone or anything
else.
This is Satan's lie aboutself-esteem.
When we stand on the mantra ofI am who I am and you can't
(08:10):
change me and I don't need tochange a face-off with our
spouse, holding on to what wevalue or what we think gives us
value, we don't gain anything.
We actually lose.
See, the I am who I am phraseis a deceiving place of rest
that often we snuggle down intobecause it's comfortable and if
(08:31):
I'm far enough down into mydeception, I don't have to get
out.
In fact, I can convince peopleand even myself that I never
have to get out.
And if I can continue to standon the platform of I am who I am
and you've got to accept me theway that I am, that's a
comfortable place to be becausein that spot I don't have to
change, or at least I don't haveto change according to what
(08:55):
God's word is asking of me.
I create new rules, my rules formyself, and the change that I
begin to chase is all change.
That's superficial, it's all onthe outside.
I can change the color of myliving room walls.
I can change the color of myhair.
I can even change the color ofmy teeth Things that make me
feel good.
(09:15):
Just for a moment, I can focuson all the outward appearance
things.
I can start hanging out withdifferent people that make me
feel good because I esteem theirvalue.
I can start pursuing thispromotion at work.
I can start hanging out withdifferent people that make me
feel good because I esteem theirvalue.
I can start pursuing thispromotion at work.
I can start even pursuing thisother person in my life because
that's the change I'm lookingfor.
But that's not the truth of whoGod has called us and made us to
(09:37):
be.
If you are a believer in JesusChrist, your old sinful nature
is gone and a new life has come.
We see that in secondCorinthians, chapter 5.
It says in verse 16 so we havestopped evaluating others from a
human point of view.
That's basically what we'retalking about here today.
We are not going to evaluateourselves anymore from a worldly
(10:01):
standpoint.
It even says in the same verseat one time we thought of Christ
merely from a human point ofview, but how differently we
know him now.
This means that anyone whobelongs to Christ has become a
new person.
The old life is gone and a newlife has begun.
And now in this new life, wehave a calling, not to love
(10:21):
ourselves, because of coursethat just comes naturally to us,
but a calling to take it onestep further, to fulfill the
great commandment to love ourneighbor as ourself.
The world would look at someonewith low self-esteem in a poor
marriage and say, well, theydon't know that they deserve
better, but they do.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
So you've got this person with low self-esteem, and
if only they could understandthat they're in that state
because they don't care aboutthemselves and they let their
spouse use them.
Now a godly person in thatsituation might be looking at
themselves and saying you knowwhat?
I confidently know that Ideserve nothing, and it's from
the abundance of Christ that Igive and I serve my spouse.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
I think I know the scripture you're referring to
here.
David out of Philippians,chapter two, where we are called
to have humility like Christhad.
It says in verse six thatthough he was God, he did not
even think of equality with Godas something that he could cling
to.
Instead, he gave up his divineprivileges, he took the humble
(11:24):
position of a slave, if you canimagine that.
And he was born as a humanbeing.
And when he appeared in humanform, he didn't just stop there.
He humbled himself in obedienceto God.
He didn't say I deserveeverything, even though he did.
He humbled himself not to aplace of low self-esteem, but to
a place of humility, knowingthat he was called by God to lay
(11:49):
down his life in love.
And you and I are called to dothe exact same thing in our
marriages.
To take the form of a servant,says in verse seven.
He emptied himself, he took theform of a servant and he died a
criminal's death on a cross.
He died our death on the cross.
He did nothing from selfishambition.
(12:10):
He did nothing from conceit orpuffed up pride, but in humility
he counted us as moresignificant than himself.
If this is hitting home withyou today, I really encourage
you to study, read and prayabout Philippians, chapter 2.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
You see, a believer and a non-believer could look
actually very similar on theoutside, but inside they could
be motivated by somethingtotally different, someone who's
not concerned for theirwell-being because they trust
God.
They trust His hand, the lovethat they carry and the way that
they work in their marriage istrusting His sovereignty at work
, and that person can actuallybe happy to serve someone who
(12:50):
has no current desire to thankthem for their efforts, to even
acknowledge their love.
To an outside observer they canevaluate a Christian in this
position for someone with lowself-esteem and no self-worth.
God would evaluate that personas someone who's trying to win
their spouse to the Lord withlove.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
You've been listening to Vows to Keep Radio with
David and Tracy Sellers.
They'll return shortly withmore of today's broadcast.
Vows to Keep wants to help.
Today's quick marriage questionwas submitted by a listener
like you.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's quick marriage question
and their response.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
David and Tracy, my husband and I are struggling
with physical unity.
I don't feel good about how Ilook and I know it's affecting
my marriage.
In answer to that, I suspectyou might know this, but a
negative self-image of a wifecosts a husband joy in marriage.
If a wife is negative abouttheir body or themselves, the
husband can actually grow wearyof the fight, so to speak.
(13:56):
Let your husband speak truthinto your life about who you are
in Christ and about howattracted he is to you.
I believe that people who feelthey have a low self-image need
truth on a very consistent basis.
Don't let your husband'scompliments bounce off of you.
Accept them as truth and lethim walk beside you to show you
(14:20):
how valuable you are to him andto Christ.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows2keep will respond to youvia email and perhaps use it on
the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows2Keepcom.
Vows To Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows To Keep.
Radio with David and TracySellers.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
The truth.
Jesus teaches us about ourworth and the enemy's
counterfeit quote unquote truthare polar opposites to each
other.
God shows us that we are worthso much to him he gave his
beloved son for us.
Satan tells us that we're worthso much we should puff
ourselves up to the highestpossible point we can get to.
Which one are you and I goingto follow?
(15:04):
It's in the everyday, littletiny decisions where we see that
choice being made.
This isn't just a one fell swoopdecision.
Okay, now I'm going to believeGod wholeheartedly.
No, this is a moment by moment,step of faith, saying God, I
trust you to take care of me asI lay down my life for a friend,
(15:25):
as I lay down my preferences,as I lay down my agenda, as I
let you fill me up.
It is which way we will choosein the little things that deeply
affects our marriages.
Jesus teaches about servingothers in Matthew, chapter 20.
It goes like this then themother of James and John, the
sons of Zebedee, came to Jesuswith her sons.
(15:47):
She knelt respectfully to ask afavor.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
What is your request?
He asked.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
She replied in your kingdom.
Please let my two sons sit inplaces of honor next to you, one
on your right and the other onyour left.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
But Jesus answered by saying to them you don't know
what you're asking.
Are you able to drink from thebitter cup of suffering?
I'm about to drink.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Oh, yes, they replied , we are able.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
Jesus told them then you will indeed drink from my
bitter cup, but I have no rightto say who will sit on my right
or left.
My Father has prepared thoseplaces for the ones that he has
chosen.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
When the ten other disciples heard what James and
John had asked, they wereindignant, but Jesus called them
together and said this you knowthat the rulers in this world
lorded over their people, andthe officials flaunt their
authority over those under them.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
But among you it will be different.
Whoever wants to be a leaderamong you must be a servant.
Whoever wants to be the firstamong you must become your slave
.
For even the Son of man camenot to be served but to serve
others and to give his life as aransom for many.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
That is such an eye-opening passage to me.
It shows our human nature it'sjust to seek glory for ourselves
.
And it shows the cost and thereward of serving Christ and the
motivation of why we follow inhis footsteps.
Passage after passage in God'sword calls us to live a life of
love because we have been lovedby God.
(17:18):
He has called us to a life ofservice, serving others in him,
and we find our value in that.
And it doesn't come naturallyto us.
We can all see that in just theeveryday choices that we make.
But God has called us to change.
He set us on a trajectory ofchange, conforming us into the
image of his son Praise God forthat Transforming our hearts
(17:40):
little by little, shifting thefocus of our lives from
self-love to love of others.
2 Corinthians 3.18 speaks tothat and we can take this part
out if we need to.
And we all who, with unveiledfaces, contemplate the Lord's
glory, are being transformedinto his image with ever
increasing glory which comesfrom the Lord, who is the spirit
(18:02):
I hope none of us stand on theshaky ground of.
This is who I am, so live withit type attitude.
God, give us teachable heartsso we can have an accurate view
of ourselves and let that affectour marriages.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
If you're believing what God says about you, that
you're chosen, that you're loved, cherished, delighted in
forgiven a new creation inChrist Jesus, how does that
affect your marriage?
Then you will eagerly looktowards step number three, which
is how do we go on from here,going from being puffed up to
being filled up?
Our worth is not something thatwe acquire through independence
(18:40):
.
It's not our personality traits, it's not our looks, our
promotions, our possessions,it's not even in our
relationships or our talents.
Our worth is given to us by Godhimself.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
When we recognize that putting our hopes and our
values on how we look is beingpuffed up.
Now we can be filled up becausewe were made in our creator's
image.
There's so much value in that.
Romans 8 says that Godpredestined us to be conformed
to the image of his son.
Psalm 139 tells us that heformed us, every part of us, and
(19:15):
he knows every day of our lives, every word that we're ever
going to say you are loved bythe God of this universe.
That much that fills you uptoday.
Ephesians 1 says that we werechosen for adoption into his
family.
God handpicked you.
There's value in that.
In Romans 12, we're told thathe has entrusted us with his
(19:36):
gifts and his message.
And in Matthew 28, he says nowgo be a good steward of what
I've given you.
So are you puffed up today orare you filled up with the value
that God places on you?
Only God's opinion counts inthe end when we seek to please
our master and our savior.
Knowing that we are fully lovedon both our worst and our best
(19:59):
days, we are fully satisfiedwith a right sense of who we are
.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
So is it about you making a good impression?
No, it's about letting peoplesee Christ working in us and
through us.
Is it about aiming to be ourbest self or is it aiming to be
excellent?
For Christ's sake, when youfail, do you try again?
Are you burying your talent, orare you the man who's willing
to say I'm going to work hardfor Christ's kingdom with this
(20:25):
talent?
Speaker 2 (20:26):
We look at that familiar passage in Matthew 6
where God tells us to seek hiskingdom and his righteousness
first and all these other thingsthat we need.
God tells us to seek hiskingdom and his righteousness
first and all these other thingsthat we need, god's going to
give to us as well.
See, it's all about the focus.
Not to us, o Lord, not to us,but to your name.
Be the glory because of yourlove and faithfulness.
Right before Jesus was triedand sentenced to death, he came
(20:49):
through Jerusalem riding on adonkey.
And sentenced to death, he camethrough Jerusalem riding on a
donkey, a lowly procession forthe king of kings.
Right after that, in that samechapter, in John 12, jesus says
this whoever serves me mustfollow me, and where I am, my
servant also will be.
My father will honor the onewho serves me.
Remember show and tell inkindergarten.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
I do.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Well, this is one of those moments.
First, jesus shows whathumility and service looks like
by coming in on a donkey andthen he tells it to us plainly.
But notice the bookend to hisstatement my father will honor
the one who serves me.
Yes, there's going to be agreat cost to us personally as
we serve and as we lay uptreasures in heaven, fixing our
(21:31):
eyes not on what is seen but onwhat is unseen.
But look what we have to lookforward to a reward from our
Heavenly Father, our Creator.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
So what we see in Jesus is someone who appears to
be lowly here on earth, who isactually totally confident,
totally thought through, aperson focused on God's kingdom
and light of eternity.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
In conclusion, today on Vows to Keep Radio we're
going to look at that JoshWilson song one more time.
It's a song called Selfless.
Two words selfless.
He says it's not about thinkingless of yourself, but thinking
of yourself less.
It's put in such a great,concise form for us as we study
about self-esteem and how weshould view ourselves and how
(22:17):
that affects our marriage.
Because he says this isn't asong about beating ourselves
down, because we're living undergrace, for God so loved the
world that we are free to do thesame.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
And when we're free from the trap of selfish love of
self, then we're free to liveand love like Christ called us
to.
Galatians 5 says this for youhave been called to live in
freedom, my brothers and sisters, but don't use your freedom to
satisfy your sinful nature.
Instead, use your freedom toserve one another in love.
(22:49):
For the whole law can be summedup in this one command love
your neighbor as yourself, andthere's no better advice in a
marriage than that.
Pray with us today, Lord.
Today, I choose in littlemoments to set aside any rights
that I think I have, things thatI'm clinging to, things where
(23:09):
I'm puffing myself up andforgetting who you have made me
and called me to be God.
We need your help to realignour thoughts and our beliefs
about what our worth is, God.
We pray that this would changewhat we're hoping to gain and
what we're hoping to give in ourmarriages as well, that we
(23:31):
would see our marriage as ourvery first mission field,
Because you've loved us, you'vechosen us, You've appointed us
to love you and to love others.
We say with the psalmist not tous, O Lord, not to us, but to
your name.
Be the glory because of yourlove and your faithfulness.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
For further study and encouragement on this, we
encourage you to listen toprevious broadcasts titled Idols
of the Heart that you can findat bowstokeepcom.
We would also encourage you toturn to John, chapter 13 and 1
Corinthians, and a great littlebooklet by Tim Keller called the
Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Bows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:36):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio
(24:58):
.
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