May 19, 2025 • 24 mins
Finding Hope in a Troubled Marriage :: [Ep. 269]
This is part 2 of our Irreconcilable Differences series. We pray this episode will offer hope to marriages that seem broken beyond repair. We will explain how God's grace extends to every relationship regardless of how toxic or damaged it may appear.
In this episode, we will cover the following:
• No marriage is beyond reconciliation when brought to God for help
• Transformation can begin with just one spouse, even if the other isn't on board
• God created marriage with a bigger purpose than just survival
• Six commitments for marriage restoration
• Practical actions to implement in daily life
As always, we hope and pray you are encouraged and helped by what you hear!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast, designed for
(00:25):
your marriage.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.
Hey, we are David and TracySellers here with Vows to Keep
Radio.
When you feel like yourmarriage is broken beyond any
hope of repair, you might beconsidering filing for divorce,
citing irreconcilabledifferences.
Things are so toxic between thetwo of you that you may agree
that staying together is not inthe best interest for either you
or the kids.
Even if divorce has been filed,we want you to know today
(00:51):
there's hope for your marriage.
Today, on Vows to Keep Radio,we're talking to a unique subset
of couples.
Number one you could be in asituation that's just getting
worse and, even though you'renot quite ready to call it quits
, you're looking for possibleexit strategies.
Or number two you and yourspouse have already decided it's
over, but one of you stillbelieves there may be a small
(01:12):
sliver of hope to reconcile.
And three, those of you who arelistening today, who are
walking beside a couple who isin this position.
You care deeply about thisfriend or family member and
you're listening with a heavyheart and an open mind.
We're so glad you're here todaywith us on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
First, we want to say we're glad you're listening and
there is hope for everymarriage.
No person has passed the pointof rescuing.
No relationship is beyondreconciliation.
How do we know there's hope?
Because the God, who is willingand able to save our souls, to
give us eternal life, is willingand able to save any marriage
(01:51):
that comes to him for help.
We've worked with so manycouples who are making a
last-ditch effort to salvage thewreck of a marriage, only to
witness a miracle happen.
And we get to see miracle aftermiracle happening, not because
of us, not because of us to keep, but because of God.
Second, even if it's just oneof you who wants to reconcile,
(02:15):
it's a place to start.
Your spouse doesn't even haveto be on board for a change, for
the change to start with you.
They can be deep in sin, sinthat hurts, sin.
That's frustrating and, asunobvious as it seems, this is
actually a perfect place for Godto work.
It's the perfect territory fora miracle.
(02:38):
In part one of this two-partbroadcast, we talked a lot about
Jonah, a prophet in the OldTestament who was asked to go to
a people who were very sinful.
He was there to proclaim thehope that God was sending him on
mission, for there was a savior, a God who wanted a
relationship with them.
Now, in Jonah's mind, thepeople in the town of Nineveh
(03:00):
were the worst of the worst,well past the point of rescue.
And when I read this shorttwo-page book, I see myself in
Jonah over and over again.
I see so many parallels to ourown lives, to our own marriages.
In this first broadcast therewere six questions to ask
yourself if you're a personconsidering divorce on the basis
(03:21):
of irreconcilable differences.
The first was what do I want?
I try to make a great lifethrough my preferences, my
opinions, my expectations beingmet, things playing out in my
relationship the way I want themto.
And when I don't get thosethings and I see the
disintegration of ourrelationship, I blame you
(03:42):
because you're not giving mewhat I asked for.
This is not what I signed upfor.
If you'd only play by my rules,this wouldn't be happening.
And now I want out.
Now I want revenge because I'venot gotten what I signed up for
.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
The second question we asked you to consider is what
does my spouse want, and whatwe mean by that is what does my
spouse really need?
What they want and what I wantare clashing, and that's why our
marriage is on the rocks.
What if God has you in yourspouse's life to help them get
what will truly fulfill, to gettheir heart right before God and
to live within thatrelationship that God wants with
(04:20):
them?
Think about this If your spouseis still believing that their
expectations, opinions andpreferences will equal happiness
and fulfillment, then you areperfectly positioned to share
truth with them, right whereyou're at Truth.
They need to hear life-changingtruth, and it starts by showing
them Christ's kind of love,which is meeting their greatest
needs when they're demandingtheir wants from you.
(04:44):
The third question we asked waswhy did God create marriage?
You may be wondering how youmade such a big mistake by
marrying this bozo, but Godcreated marriage.
You need to know that and hecreated your marriage with a
bigger purpose than justsurviving.
God's ultimate goal is to useyour spouse in your life to make
you more like him, and to useyou and your spouse's life to
(05:05):
show them God's love for them.
Use your spouse in your life tomake you more like him and to
use you and your spouse's lifeto show them God's love for them
.
Knowing there's a purpose foryour marriage will give you the
fuel to go the long haul.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
The fourth question is what have I tried?
Am I trying to run away?
Am I trying to ignore theproblem?
Am I trying to create my ownidentity, working to get other
people on my side?
Those are all things we try, nomatter how many different walls
you beat your head againsttrying to solve this.
There is hope, and that comesthrough asking the fifth
(05:35):
question Is there anything thatwill turn this around.
Jonah was put in a veryuncomfortable situation, and it
caused him to actually realizethat there was something that
could turn it around.
He wasn't seeing his own sincorrectly, like he was on the
outside, he was in the positionof judgment.
He was looking at Nineveh,seeing all of their issues, and
(05:57):
it seemed impossible that theycould ever repent.
He had to have a heart changeand therefore a change of
purpose.
He was finally able to applythe truth that God wanted to
deliver to Nineveh, but ithappened in his own heart first.
It happened in his own life.
He realized his belief in Godcould, in fact, turn everything
(06:17):
around, not just for him, butfor Nineveh too.
Question number six, the lastone we asked, was am I willing
to try one more thing, are you?
I mean, I think it's alegitimate question.
Even if your answer is yes,that's where a new start
actually can begin.
If you're willing to look atyour heart in light of what
God's word is saying you need todo, if you're willing to
(06:40):
consider his grace and let thatredefine every belief you have,
including those about yourspouse and your marriage, then
today, on Valid to Keep Radio,we're going to go through six
commitments you can make to takethe next steps forward for your
marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
You're still listening, so that means your
heart is beginning to have aseed of hope.
You're putting your faith inGod's faithfulness, not your
spouse's.
So hey, let's get started withthe first commitment.
Number one commit to believethe truth.
Here's the thing.
Neither you or I get to drawthe line on where God's grace
stops for our spouse.
That thought may at first makeyou bristle a little bit, but
(07:20):
this statement, when you take itto heart, can be one of the
most freeing things for yourmarriage.
Let me say it again Neither youor I get to draw the line on
where God's grace stops for ourspouse.
If you understand and truly, ifyou're humble enough to admit
that you need the same graceyour spouse needs, that your
heart isn't better than theirsbecause your sins are different,
that's when God can do amazingthings.
(07:42):
We all need the same Savior andhe gives the same grace for the
asking, no matter what.
He doesn't wish that any shouldperish.
He wants all to come torepentance.
Why?
Because he paid the highestprice His own life to be in
relationship with us.
God never writes us off.
Therefore, we should neverwrite off our spouse.
That brings us to the secondcommitment.
(08:03):
Jesus committed to pay the costfor us.
Will you commit to pay the cost?
It's really not as steep as youmight think, because Jesus took
the punishment that your spousedeserved and gave him or her,
freedom in him in exchange.
God commanded Jonah to go andlove the people of Nineveh, but
Jonah wasn't willing to.
I think it's because the costwas too high to his pride.
(08:27):
He had no other reason forgetting on a ship and heading in
the opposite direction.
When he chose to do that, therewas a cost to pay that he
wasn't considering the verysouls and lives of a city of 120
plus thousand lost people.
If he didn't go, they weregoing to implode on themselves
in sin.
But Jonah's pride and let'sjust say it like it is
self-righteous attitudeprevented him from counting the
(08:50):
cost for Nineveh.
He was only counting the costto himself.
Will you commit to pay the costof humbling yourself before God
for the sake of your spouse andin reaction to what Jesus has
done for you?
It really is as simple as that,because when you have a humble
heart, guess what?
You have an obedient life.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
And that helps you.
Commit to number three, committo the calling In our pain and
our annoyance at our spouse,it's hard to remember that God
is actually commanding us to dosomething.
Will you commit to remember andact on what you know God is
asking of you?
If you're wondering how youcould ever remember all the
things that God's word is askingof, let me give you a great
(09:31):
reminder today.
Jesus says go and love.
Love the Lord, your God, withall your heart, all your soul,
all your strength, and love yourneighbor as yourself.
His command to Jonah and to usis maybe some of the hardest
things we'll ever say yes to.
But when we love God witheverything we have, when we give
him everything, holding nothingback, loving others is much
(10:04):
easier than you might evenimagine.
God sent Jonah.
God has also sent you.
He's sending you today and he'sgoing to continue to send you
to your spouse every single dayfor the rest of your married
life.
God has a message for yourspouse and he's chosen you to
deliver it.
It's a message of love, it's amessage of hope.
It's a message that says you'renot too far gone and neither is
(10:26):
our marriage.
A message that says I will loveyou the most when you deserve
it the least.
If your marriage needs amiracle, go and do what God has
asked you to do.
We feel like our lives are madeup of all these big moments a
marriage, a baby, a housepurchase, some career change, a
(10:50):
debt that's been paid off, agraduation, a retirement change,
a debt that's been paid off, agraduation, a retirement.
There's security in looking atlife through the big moment lens
.
It gives us a sense ofdetachment, that if God isn't
moving us in a giganticdirection, we're home free.
If we're not packing the boxesand changing banks, we feel like
we're off God's radar.
(11:10):
He just doesn't live in thoselittle moments.
But it's after the boxes areunpacked that actually the real
Jonah moments begin.
The real Jonah moments happenTuesday night over leftovers.
The real Jonah moments happenwhen we run from God in our
daily, habitual, repeated,situational sin.
(11:31):
The real Jonah moments happenwhen we refuse to forgive for
the hundredth time.
That's when we start to seeJonah's story as more than a
fishtail.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though
one of my favorite things to dois read a good book.
Fiction with a purpose allowsyou to journey with the
characters and come out on theother side changed more into the
image of Christ.
And that's exactly what I wantfor you as you read my trilogy
Roots Run Deep.
These historical romances arefun and fast paced, but I also
(12:08):
know that as you turn that lastpage, your heart will be changed
because you'll know more deeplyyour Heavenly Father's heart
for you.
Go to VowsToKeepcom for all thedetails.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at VowsToKeepcom.
Vows To Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows To KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Our Jonah moments are in moving away from God so that
we don't have to love ourspouse like Christ loved the
church.
We don't have to lay down ourlives for them.
It's interesting.
For some reason we feel Godcares about us more when we see
him moving in these giganticways, like answering a prayer
we've been praying for years.
We're getting our cancer testback with good results.
(13:03):
We feel more special becausemaybe he's asked us to go to
Bible school.
We feel important.
He asked us to step up andministry at our church.
But if that's how we see life,we're not believing the truth
about God's love for us.
His love is so big it's in thesmallest of moments.
It's in the littlest ofdecisions.
It's not about those bigvictories, it's actually the sum
(13:27):
of all those little ones.
His love is earth-shakingenough for us that he calls us
to go to love, to do so in thelittle moments.
His love for us is shown in thegift of his presence and not
leaving us alone when we are inthe equivalent of the belly of
the whale.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
God's love for us shows up in the promise that we
have from Philippians 2.13.
It says God is working in you,giving you the desire and the
power to do what pleases him.
Talk about a miracle Godhimself caring enough to give us
his compassionate, unfailing,relentless love and mercy, and
then taking those pieces ofhimself and working them in our
(14:08):
hearts, shaping us to look morelike him.
That, my friends, is love.
That is reason enough to go,commit to be obedient to God's
calling.
You know there's a calling Nowgo and do it.
There's a turning point forJonah in chapter three in this
story of redemption.
He seems to get it.
He's back on dry land and hewillingly goes to this horrible
(14:28):
city and gives them God'smessage.
We know from the Bible thatthey repented.
But here's where it gets reallyinteresting.
After Jonah tells them thetruth and they repent, jonah
gets really mad at God.
He actually sits outside thecity, watches to see what will
happen and when God relents indestroying the city, jonah tells
God that he wants to die.
He is so mad.
(14:49):
So, number one yes, jonah hadobeyed God, but it's pretty easy
to see his heart, isn't it?
He told them the message, hedid what God said, but inside in
his heart he still didn'treally want them to be redeemed.
He wanted them to pay.
This means, number two, thatyou and I can do all the right
things with the wrong heart andthose right things can actually
(15:10):
still have a pretty good effecton our marriage.
But God wants real heart changein Jonah.
So he does this little objectlesson with Jonah, right there
on the hill outside the city.
He says in verse 6 of chapter 3, and the Lord God arranged for
a leafy plant to grow there, andsoon it spread its broad leaves
over Jonah's head, shading himfrom the sun.
(15:30):
This eased his discomfort andJonah was very grateful for the
plant Verse 7,.
But God also arranged for aworm.
The next morning at dawn theworm ate through the stem of the
plant so that it withered away.
And you can imagine whathappened.
The sun grew hot and the eastwind began to blow.
The sun beat down on Jonah'shead.
He grew faint and he said deathis certainly better than living
like this.
(15:50):
And then God said to Jonah is itright for you to be angry
because the plant died?
And Jonah's like yes, evenangry enough to die.
But the Lord God said you havebeen concerned about this plant,
though you did not tend to it,you didn't make it grow.
It sprang up overnight and diedovernight.
And should I not have concernfor the great city of Nineveh,
in which there are more than120,000 people who cannot tell
(16:11):
their right hand from their left?
God has given Jonah a blessing,but Jonah sees it as a right.
He went halfway and he poutedabout it the whole time.
What will you do?
What will I do?
Will we commit?
Will we commit to be obedientto God's calling?
We've got three more for youhere today on Vows to Keep Radio
(16:31):
.
Will you commit to go 100%, allin for your marriage, even if
your spouse has checked out?
Speaker 3 (16:37):
There's such a lesson here.
Jonah's attitude, his anger andhis actions showed he was way
more concerned with his owncomfort than all of these other
people's lives, their eternities.
That was at stake.
And we do this in our marriages.
When it gets difficult, too,you need to know this.
In our marriages.
When it gets difficult, too,you need to know this in advance
.
It's going to be extremely outof your comfort zone to love
(16:59):
them the most when they deserveit the least, to go out of your
way, to go to the offender andto forgive, to say no to lust
and yes to intimacy with yourspouse.
It's probably well out of yourwheelhouse to be a servant to
your spouse, despite how theytreat you, to hold your tongue
when they lash out at you.
And it's in these moments wherewe actually set aside our own
(17:22):
comfort and we choose to serveGod, to believe the truth about
him and about others and aboutourselves.
That is when you're going tosee God show up with his
faithfulness again and again.
That is when you're going tosee God show up with his
faithfulness again and again,when you say yes, god, I will go
.
I will love when you makechoices about how you're going
to treat your spouse not basedupon what you think is best for
(17:44):
you, but based upon, instead,what's going to fall under this
umbrella of doing everything inlove.
You will send up a praise thatyou will serve a God who is a
God of compassion and mercy, whois slow to anger and filled
with unfailing love andfaithfulness, not just for your
spouse, but for you.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
God's first words to Jonah were go.
When Jonah ran and God gotahold of him and spoke to him a
second time, god still had thesame message for Nineveh.
Verse 1 of chapter 3 says Thenthe word of the Lord came to
Jonah a second time Go to thegreat city of Nineveh and
proclaim to it the message Igive you.
I love this because God wasrelentless in his pursuit of
(18:28):
these people and he chose asinful person to do his work.
But get this.
God asking Jonah to go a secondtime shows more than just God's
love for Nineveh.
It shows God's love for Jonah.
It says God didn't write himoff either.
God didn't consider Jonah alost cause just because he
didn't get it right the firsttime and he would even fail in
(18:49):
his second attempt.
Before we get to the lastcommitment, I want to note that
the story of Jonah is onlymentioned one place in the New
Testament, hundreds of yearslater, and we can't miss this
point.
Let me read from Matthew,chapter 12, just a few short
(19:11):
verses.
It says prove your authority.
But Jesus replied only an evil,adulterous generation would
demand a miraculous sign.
But the only sign I will givethem is the sign of the prophet
Jonah.
For as Jonah was in the bellyof the great fish for three days
and three nights, so will theSon of man be in the heart of
the earth for three days andthree nights.
There are some great parallelshere.
Jesus was willing to go to apeople who would hate him and
(19:35):
kill him in order to save them.
Jonah had to be forced to go,jesus willingly went.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
The fifth commitment is will you commit to trust God
for the outcome?
The question is this will yoube Jesus or will you be Jonah?
Jesus went willingly, knowingfull well that he would be
ridiculed by the people he wastrying to save.
Ultimately, he would be theirsavior.
Or will I be like Jonah,running from a cause for someone
(20:06):
else's good and I'm so doubtfulof the outcome that it's even
possible I'm not willing to go?
Am I willing to invest in acause that I may not even
possibly want to be involved inBecause I know it's going to
take so much from me?
Am I willing to be involved ina cause that is for the purpose
(20:27):
of saving my spouse?
You might be asking where's thejustice?
What about all of the wrongthat my spouse has done to me?
Hebrews 6.10 speaks to thatvery point.
It says God is not unjust.
He will not forget your workand the love you've shown him,
as you've helped his people andcontinue to help them.
And this is where faith reallycomes in that God is just.
(20:51):
God is sovereign.
God does see what you're doingand he is the one whose
faithfulness I can rely on.
No matter how my spouse acts,no matter how my spouse reacts
he can take my obedience and doamazing things in my marriage.
The treasure may not lie here,though.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
And finally, number six will you commit to what
comes next?
What is that?
We want to walk you through acouple of things that you can
specifically and practically doto take that next step.
Number one say yes to God forthe benefit of your spouse.
God, I'm going to go whereyou've called me.
I'm going to go a hundredpercent, all in, not on the
merit of my spouse, but becauseyou asked and you're using me to
(21:36):
meet my spouse's greatest need.
Number two you're also going tobe saying yes to your spouse.
You're going to be saying yesto your marriage, for the sake
of God, telling your husband oryour wife I'm going to go all in
for you, 100%, actually havingthis conversation with them,
saying hey, whether you everreciprocate or not, because I've
received God's mercy and grace.
(21:57):
I know I don't get to draw theline on where the grace stops
for you or for me.
God has asked me to go and loveyou and I'm going to say yes
every day to you because God isworthy and you're worth it.
Number three this is reallypractical.
Will you commit to put yourselfunder the teaching of God's
word?
Will you go to a Bible teachingchurch every week?
Will you read scripture?
(22:18):
Will you join a Bible study?
Will you listen to sermons?
Will you drink up God's word soyou can be equipped to love
your spouse with God's mercy andgrace?
So the next time they sinagainst you and they probably
will even today or tomorrowyou'll know what to do with the
temptation to either throw theirsin back in their face or run
the other way.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
You'll know what to do with the temptation to either
throw their sin back in theirface or run the other way.
Will you commit to spend timewith God every single day, pray,
let him know your greatestweakness, your greatest needs
and remind yourself of thegospel of Jesus.
Ask him to help you to livethat out, to live out the
command to go and love?
Will you commit to find a godlymentor, someone who will
(22:57):
disciple you with truth fromGod's word, someone who would
keep you accountable in theareas that you know you're weak?
If possible, find a godlycounselor.
Attend counseling together as acouple.
Will you grant forgiveness?
This is our heart's cry daily,from Nehemiah 13.
It should be this Remember me,o my God, concerning this also,
(23:19):
and spare me according to thegreatness of thy mercy.
Will you ask your spouse forforgiveness?
Get specific, be willing to askfor it again and again whenever
the need arises and then, everyday, commit to say yes again,
yes to your spouse, yes to God,walking in hope that today,
(23:42):
obedience to God's word willproduce the fruit you're looking
for.
Make these commitments beforethe Lord.
Commit to stay in your marriage.
Commit to ask God to help youevery single step of the way.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
We're so glad we got this time with you today.
Join us next week for anotherbroadcast of Vows to Keep Radio
to equip you to have abiblically healthy marriage.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast, designed for
(00:25):
your marriage.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.
Hey, we are David and TracySellers here with Vows to Keep
Radio.
When you feel like yourmarriage is broken beyond any
hope of repair, you might beconsidering filing for divorce,
citing irreconcilabledifferences.
Things are so toxic between thetwo of you that you may agree
that staying together is not inthe best interest for either you
or the kids.
Even if divorce has been filed,we want you to know today
(00:51):
there's hope for your marriage.
Today, on Vows to Keep Radio,we're talking to a unique subset
of couples.
Number one you could be in asituation that's just getting
worse and, even though you'renot quite ready to call it quits
, you're looking for possibleexit strategies.
Or number two you and yourspouse have already decided it's
over, but one of you stillbelieves there may be a small
(01:12):
sliver of hope to reconcile.
And three, those of you who arelistening today, who are
walking beside a couple who isin this position.
You care deeply about thisfriend or family member and
you're listening with a heavyheart and an open mind.
We're so glad you're here todaywith us on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
First, we want to say we're glad you're listening and
there is hope for everymarriage.
No person has passed the pointof rescuing.
No relationship is beyondreconciliation.
How do we know there's hope?
Because the God, who is willingand able to save our souls, to
give us eternal life, is willingand able to save any marriage
(01:51):
that comes to him for help.
We've worked with so manycouples who are making a
last-ditch effort to salvage thewreck of a marriage, only to
witness a miracle happen.
And we get to see miracle aftermiracle happening, not because
of us, not because of us to keep, but because of God.
Second, even if it's just oneof you who wants to reconcile,
(02:15):
it's a place to start.
Your spouse doesn't even haveto be on board for a change, for
the change to start with you.
They can be deep in sin, sinthat hurts, sin.
That's frustrating and, asunobvious as it seems, this is
actually a perfect place for Godto work.
It's the perfect territory fora miracle.
(02:38):
In part one of this two-partbroadcast, we talked a lot about
Jonah, a prophet in the OldTestament who was asked to go to
a people who were very sinful.
He was there to proclaim thehope that God was sending him on
mission, for there was a savior, a God who wanted a
relationship with them.
Now, in Jonah's mind, thepeople in the town of Nineveh
(03:00):
were the worst of the worst,well past the point of rescue.
And when I read this shorttwo-page book, I see myself in
Jonah over and over again.
I see so many parallels to ourown lives, to our own marriages.
In this first broadcast therewere six questions to ask
yourself if you're a personconsidering divorce on the basis
(03:21):
of irreconcilable differences.
The first was what do I want?
I try to make a great lifethrough my preferences, my
opinions, my expectations beingmet, things playing out in my
relationship the way I want themto.
And when I don't get thosethings and I see the
disintegration of ourrelationship, I blame you
(03:42):
because you're not giving mewhat I asked for.
This is not what I signed upfor.
If you'd only play by my rules,this wouldn't be happening.
And now I want out.
Now I want revenge because I'venot gotten what I signed up for
.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
The second question we asked you to consider is what
does my spouse want, and whatwe mean by that is what does my
spouse really need?
What they want and what I wantare clashing, and that's why our
marriage is on the rocks.
What if God has you in yourspouse's life to help them get
what will truly fulfill, to gettheir heart right before God and
to live within thatrelationship that God wants with
(04:20):
them?
Think about this If your spouseis still believing that their
expectations, opinions andpreferences will equal happiness
and fulfillment, then you areperfectly positioned to share
truth with them, right whereyou're at Truth.
They need to hear life-changingtruth, and it starts by showing
them Christ's kind of love,which is meeting their greatest
needs when they're demandingtheir wants from you.
(04:44):
The third question we asked waswhy did God create marriage?
You may be wondering how youmade such a big mistake by
marrying this bozo, but Godcreated marriage.
You need to know that and hecreated your marriage with a
bigger purpose than justsurviving.
God's ultimate goal is to useyour spouse in your life to make
you more like him, and to useyou and your spouse's life to
(05:05):
show them God's love for them.
Use your spouse in your life tomake you more like him and to
use you and your spouse's lifeto show them God's love for them
.
Knowing there's a purpose foryour marriage will give you the
fuel to go the long haul.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
The fourth question is what have I tried?
Am I trying to run away?
Am I trying to ignore theproblem?
Am I trying to create my ownidentity, working to get other
people on my side?
Those are all things we try, nomatter how many different walls
you beat your head againsttrying to solve this.
There is hope, and that comesthrough asking the fifth
(05:35):
question Is there anything thatwill turn this around.
Jonah was put in a veryuncomfortable situation, and it
caused him to actually realizethat there was something that
could turn it around.
He wasn't seeing his own sincorrectly, like he was on the
outside, he was in the positionof judgment.
He was looking at Nineveh,seeing all of their issues, and
(05:57):
it seemed impossible that theycould ever repent.
He had to have a heart changeand therefore a change of
purpose.
He was finally able to applythe truth that God wanted to
deliver to Nineveh, but ithappened in his own heart first.
It happened in his own life.
He realized his belief in Godcould, in fact, turn everything
(06:17):
around, not just for him, butfor Nineveh too.
Question number six, the lastone we asked, was am I willing
to try one more thing, are you?
I mean, I think it's alegitimate question.
Even if your answer is yes,that's where a new start
actually can begin.
If you're willing to look atyour heart in light of what
God's word is saying you need todo, if you're willing to
(06:40):
consider his grace and let thatredefine every belief you have,
including those about yourspouse and your marriage, then
today, on Valid to Keep Radio,we're going to go through six
commitments you can make to takethe next steps forward for your
marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
You're still listening, so that means your
heart is beginning to have aseed of hope.
You're putting your faith inGod's faithfulness, not your
spouse's.
So hey, let's get started withthe first commitment.
Number one commit to believethe truth.
Here's the thing.
Neither you or I get to drawthe line on where God's grace
stops for our spouse.
That thought may at first makeyou bristle a little bit, but
(07:20):
this statement, when you take itto heart, can be one of the
most freeing things for yourmarriage.
Let me say it again Neither youor I get to draw the line on
where God's grace stops for ourspouse.
If you understand and truly, ifyou're humble enough to admit
that you need the same graceyour spouse needs, that your
heart isn't better than theirsbecause your sins are different,
that's when God can do amazingthings.
(07:42):
We all need the same Savior andhe gives the same grace for the
asking, no matter what.
He doesn't wish that any shouldperish.
He wants all to come torepentance.
Why?
Because he paid the highestprice His own life to be in
relationship with us.
God never writes us off.
Therefore, we should neverwrite off our spouse.
That brings us to the secondcommitment.
(08:03):
Jesus committed to pay the costfor us.
Will you commit to pay the cost?
It's really not as steep as youmight think, because Jesus took
the punishment that your spousedeserved and gave him or her,
freedom in him in exchange.
God commanded Jonah to go andlove the people of Nineveh, but
Jonah wasn't willing to.
I think it's because the costwas too high to his pride.
(08:27):
He had no other reason forgetting on a ship and heading in
the opposite direction.
When he chose to do that, therewas a cost to pay that he
wasn't considering the verysouls and lives of a city of 120
plus thousand lost people.
If he didn't go, they weregoing to implode on themselves
in sin.
But Jonah's pride and let'sjust say it like it is
self-righteous attitudeprevented him from counting the
(08:50):
cost for Nineveh.
He was only counting the costto himself.
Will you commit to pay the costof humbling yourself before God
for the sake of your spouse andin reaction to what Jesus has
done for you?
It really is as simple as that,because when you have a humble
heart, guess what?
You have an obedient life.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
And that helps you.
Commit to number three, committo the calling In our pain and
our annoyance at our spouse,it's hard to remember that God
is actually commanding us to dosomething.
Will you commit to remember andact on what you know God is
asking of you?
If you're wondering how youcould ever remember all the
things that God's word is askingof, let me give you a great
(09:31):
reminder today.
Jesus says go and love.
Love the Lord, your God, withall your heart, all your soul,
all your strength, and love yourneighbor as yourself.
His command to Jonah and to usis maybe some of the hardest
things we'll ever say yes to.
But when we love God witheverything we have, when we give
him everything, holding nothingback, loving others is much
(10:04):
easier than you might evenimagine.
God sent Jonah.
God has also sent you.
He's sending you today and he'sgoing to continue to send you
to your spouse every single dayfor the rest of your married
life.
God has a message for yourspouse and he's chosen you to
deliver it.
It's a message of love, it's amessage of hope.
It's a message that says you'renot too far gone and neither is
(10:26):
our marriage.
A message that says I will loveyou the most when you deserve
it the least.
If your marriage needs amiracle, go and do what God has
asked you to do.
We feel like our lives are madeup of all these big moments a
marriage, a baby, a housepurchase, some career change, a
(10:50):
debt that's been paid off, agraduation, a retirement change,
a debt that's been paid off, agraduation, a retirement.
There's security in looking atlife through the big moment lens
.
It gives us a sense ofdetachment, that if God isn't
moving us in a giganticdirection, we're home free.
If we're not packing the boxesand changing banks, we feel like
we're off God's radar.
(11:10):
He just doesn't live in thoselittle moments.
But it's after the boxes areunpacked that actually the real
Jonah moments begin.
The real Jonah moments happenTuesday night over leftovers.
The real Jonah moments happenwhen we run from God in our
daily, habitual, repeated,situational sin.
(11:31):
The real Jonah moments happenwhen we refuse to forgive for
the hundredth time.
That's when we start to seeJonah's story as more than a
fishtail.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though
one of my favorite things to dois read a good book.
Fiction with a purpose allowsyou to journey with the
characters and come out on theother side changed more into the
image of Christ.
And that's exactly what I wantfor you as you read my trilogy
Roots Run Deep.
These historical romances arefun and fast paced, but I also
(12:08):
know that as you turn that lastpage, your heart will be changed
because you'll know more deeplyyour Heavenly Father's heart
for you.
Go to VowsToKeepcom for all thedetails.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at VowsToKeepcom.
Vows To Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows To KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Our Jonah moments are in moving away from God so that
we don't have to love ourspouse like Christ loved the
church.
We don't have to lay down ourlives for them.
It's interesting.
For some reason we feel Godcares about us more when we see
him moving in these giganticways, like answering a prayer
we've been praying for years.
We're getting our cancer testback with good results.
(13:03):
We feel more special becausemaybe he's asked us to go to
Bible school.
We feel important.
He asked us to step up andministry at our church.
But if that's how we see life,we're not believing the truth
about God's love for us.
His love is so big it's in thesmallest of moments.
It's in the littlest ofdecisions.
It's not about those bigvictories, it's actually the sum
(13:27):
of all those little ones.
His love is earth-shakingenough for us that he calls us
to go to love, to do so in thelittle moments.
His love for us is shown in thegift of his presence and not
leaving us alone when we are inthe equivalent of the belly of
the whale.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
God's love for us shows up in the promise that we
have from Philippians 2.13.
It says God is working in you,giving you the desire and the
power to do what pleases him.
Talk about a miracle Godhimself caring enough to give us
his compassionate, unfailing,relentless love and mercy, and
then taking those pieces ofhimself and working them in our
(14:08):
hearts, shaping us to look morelike him.
That, my friends, is love.
That is reason enough to go,commit to be obedient to God's
calling.
You know there's a calling Nowgo and do it.
There's a turning point forJonah in chapter three in this
story of redemption.
He seems to get it.
He's back on dry land and hewillingly goes to this horrible
(14:28):
city and gives them God'smessage.
We know from the Bible thatthey repented.
But here's where it gets reallyinteresting.
After Jonah tells them thetruth and they repent, jonah
gets really mad at God.
He actually sits outside thecity, watches to see what will
happen and when God relents indestroying the city, jonah tells
God that he wants to die.
He is so mad.
(14:49):
So, number one yes, jonah hadobeyed God, but it's pretty easy
to see his heart, isn't it?
He told them the message, hedid what God said, but inside in
his heart he still didn'treally want them to be redeemed.
He wanted them to pay.
This means, number two, thatyou and I can do all the right
things with the wrong heart andthose right things can actually
(15:10):
still have a pretty good effecton our marriage.
But God wants real heart changein Jonah.
So he does this little objectlesson with Jonah, right there
on the hill outside the city.
He says in verse 6 of chapter 3, and the Lord God arranged for
a leafy plant to grow there, andsoon it spread its broad leaves
over Jonah's head, shading himfrom the sun.
(15:30):
This eased his discomfort andJonah was very grateful for the
plant Verse 7,.
But God also arranged for aworm.
The next morning at dawn theworm ate through the stem of the
plant so that it withered away.
And you can imagine whathappened.
The sun grew hot and the eastwind began to blow.
The sun beat down on Jonah'shead.
He grew faint and he said deathis certainly better than living
like this.
(15:50):
And then God said to Jonah is itright for you to be angry
because the plant died?
And Jonah's like yes, evenangry enough to die.
But the Lord God said you havebeen concerned about this plant,
though you did not tend to it,you didn't make it grow.
It sprang up overnight and diedovernight.
And should I not have concernfor the great city of Nineveh,
in which there are more than120,000 people who cannot tell
(16:11):
their right hand from their left?
God has given Jonah a blessing,but Jonah sees it as a right.
He went halfway and he poutedabout it the whole time.
What will you do?
What will I do?
Will we commit?
Will we commit to be obedientto God's calling?
We've got three more for youhere today on Vows to Keep Radio
(16:31):
.
Will you commit to go 100%, allin for your marriage, even if
your spouse has checked out?
Speaker 3 (16:37):
There's such a lesson here.
Jonah's attitude, his anger andhis actions showed he was way
more concerned with his owncomfort than all of these other
people's lives, their eternities.
That was at stake.
And we do this in our marriages.
When it gets difficult, too,you need to know this.
In our marriages.
When it gets difficult, too,you need to know this in advance
.
It's going to be extremely outof your comfort zone to love
(16:59):
them the most when they deserveit the least, to go out of your
way, to go to the offender andto forgive, to say no to lust
and yes to intimacy with yourspouse.
It's probably well out of yourwheelhouse to be a servant to
your spouse, despite how theytreat you, to hold your tongue
when they lash out at you.
And it's in these moments wherewe actually set aside our own
(17:22):
comfort and we choose to serveGod, to believe the truth about
him and about others and aboutourselves.
That is when you're going tosee God show up with his
faithfulness again and again.
That is when you're going tosee God show up with his
faithfulness again and again,when you say yes, god, I will go
.
I will love when you makechoices about how you're going
to treat your spouse not basedupon what you think is best for
(17:44):
you, but based upon, instead,what's going to fall under this
umbrella of doing everything inlove.
You will send up a praise thatyou will serve a God who is a
God of compassion and mercy, whois slow to anger and filled
with unfailing love andfaithfulness, not just for your
spouse, but for you.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
God's first words to Jonah were go.
When Jonah ran and God gotahold of him and spoke to him a
second time, god still had thesame message for Nineveh.
Verse 1 of chapter 3 says Thenthe word of the Lord came to
Jonah a second time Go to thegreat city of Nineveh and
proclaim to it the message Igive you.
I love this because God wasrelentless in his pursuit of
(18:28):
these people and he chose asinful person to do his work.
But get this.
God asking Jonah to go a secondtime shows more than just God's
love for Nineveh.
It shows God's love for Jonah.
It says God didn't write himoff either.
God didn't consider Jonah alost cause just because he
didn't get it right the firsttime and he would even fail in
(18:49):
his second attempt.
Before we get to the lastcommitment, I want to note that
the story of Jonah is onlymentioned one place in the New
Testament, hundreds of yearslater, and we can't miss this
point.
Let me read from Matthew,chapter 12, just a few short
(19:11):
verses.
It says prove your authority.
But Jesus replied only an evil,adulterous generation would
demand a miraculous sign.
But the only sign I will givethem is the sign of the prophet
Jonah.
For as Jonah was in the bellyof the great fish for three days
and three nights, so will theSon of man be in the heart of
the earth for three days andthree nights.
There are some great parallelshere.
Jesus was willing to go to apeople who would hate him and
(19:35):
kill him in order to save them.
Jonah had to be forced to go,jesus willingly went.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
The fifth commitment is will you commit to trust God
for the outcome?
The question is this will yoube Jesus or will you be Jonah?
Jesus went willingly, knowingfull well that he would be
ridiculed by the people he wastrying to save.
Ultimately, he would be theirsavior.
Or will I be like Jonah,running from a cause for someone
(20:06):
else's good and I'm so doubtfulof the outcome that it's even
possible I'm not willing to go?
Am I willing to invest in acause that I may not even
possibly want to be involved inBecause I know it's going to
take so much from me?
Am I willing to be involved ina cause that is for the purpose
(20:27):
of saving my spouse?
You might be asking where's thejustice?
What about all of the wrongthat my spouse has done to me?
Hebrews 6.10 speaks to thatvery point.
It says God is not unjust.
He will not forget your workand the love you've shown him,
as you've helped his people andcontinue to help them.
And this is where faith reallycomes in that God is just.
(20:51):
God is sovereign.
God does see what you're doingand he is the one whose
faithfulness I can rely on.
No matter how my spouse acts,no matter how my spouse reacts
he can take my obedience and doamazing things in my marriage.
The treasure may not lie here,though.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
And finally, number six will you commit to what
comes next?
What is that?
We want to walk you through acouple of things that you can
specifically and practically doto take that next step.
Number one say yes to God forthe benefit of your spouse.
God, I'm going to go whereyou've called me.
I'm going to go a hundredpercent, all in, not on the
merit of my spouse, but becauseyou asked and you're using me to
(21:36):
meet my spouse's greatest need.
Number two you're also going tobe saying yes to your spouse.
You're going to be saying yesto your marriage, for the sake
of God, telling your husband oryour wife I'm going to go all in
for you, 100%, actually havingthis conversation with them,
saying hey, whether you everreciprocate or not, because I've
received God's mercy and grace.
(21:57):
I know I don't get to draw theline on where the grace stops
for you or for me.
God has asked me to go and loveyou and I'm going to say yes
every day to you because God isworthy and you're worth it.
Number three this is reallypractical.
Will you commit to put yourselfunder the teaching of God's
word?
Will you go to a Bible teachingchurch every week?
Will you read scripture?
(22:18):
Will you join a Bible study?
Will you listen to sermons?
Will you drink up God's word soyou can be equipped to love
your spouse with God's mercy andgrace?
So the next time they sinagainst you and they probably
will even today or tomorrowyou'll know what to do with the
temptation to either throw theirsin back in their face or run
the other way.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
You'll know what to do with the temptation to either
throw their sin back in theirface or run the other way.
Will you commit to spend timewith God every single day, pray,
let him know your greatestweakness, your greatest needs
and remind yourself of thegospel of Jesus.
Ask him to help you to livethat out, to live out the
command to go and love?
Will you commit to find a godlymentor, someone who will
(22:57):
disciple you with truth fromGod's word, someone who would
keep you accountable in theareas that you know you're weak?
If possible, find a godlycounselor.
Attend counseling together as acouple.
Will you grant forgiveness?
This is our heart's cry daily,from Nehemiah 13.
It should be this Remember me,o my God, concerning this also,
(23:19):
and spare me according to thegreatness of thy mercy.
Will you ask your spouse forforgiveness?
Get specific, be willing to askfor it again and again whenever
the need arises and then, everyday, commit to say yes again,
yes to your spouse, yes to God,walking in hope that today,
(23:42):
obedience to God's word willproduce the fruit you're looking
for.
Make these commitments beforethe Lord.
Commit to stay in your marriage.
Commit to ask God to help youevery single step of the way.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
We're so glad we got this time with you today.
Join us next week for anotherbroadcast of Vows to Keep Radio
to equip you to have abiblically healthy marriage.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
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