February 24, 2025 • 24 mins
Healing Your Marriage Through God's Design :: [Ep. 257]
This VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast episode centers on how confession, repentance, and forgiveness can restore broken marriages. Through biblical teachings, we highlight God’s design for healing relationships, emphasizing personal accountability and the role of grace in reconciliation.
We will cover:
• The importance of faithfulness when difficult times arise
• How sin impacts marriage and personal relationships
• The process of healing and that it starts with confession
• The necessity of forgiveness, regardless of your spouse's actions
• How to view our spouse through the lens of Christ’s love
• The ultimate goal: demonstrating the gospel through reconciliation
We hope you will join us and learn more!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Hey, there we are David and Tracy, sellers, and,
like you, we've made vows tokeep.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
We're nearing the end of a series we've been enjoying
a lot on how to Help a HurtingMarriage.
This series is all about beingable to walk beside someone who
is going through a hard time,because we've all had people who
come and share the difficultythat they experience in marriage
.
Their spouse is deep in sin.
They feel helpless and hurt.
(00:53):
Sometimes they just want tofeel relief.
Other times they're to thepoint of rejection.
Now they want to run On part 8of our series.
We're talking about how Godwants our faithfulness, when
being faithful comes at a cost.
After all, the word says it'seasy to love someone who's
returning love.
But what we want to focus ontoday is that now is not the
(01:16):
time when someone comes in deephurt.
Now is not the time toencourage them to go for relief.
We want to encourage them tonot ignore God's word, to fight
the good fight, to not be theperson in judgment, to forgive
and, if needed, to ask forforgiveness, to love a spouse
through the sinful spot they'rein.
(01:37):
Sin is going to affect yourmarriage, my marriage and all of
our friends' marriages.
Sin isolates us from our spouse.
God actually intentionally Godspecifically and intentionally
places us with our spouse tohelp us both look more like him.
He's not surprised by your sinor your spouse's sin.
(01:57):
He actually anticipated it.
Jesus went to the cross knowingexactly who you and I are.
God shows when we read his wordhow he handles people who
consistently trip up in theirsin.
He doesn't ignore our sin, hedoesn't pretend it isn't there.
He doesn't hope that it's goingto go away on its own.
He doesn't complain about it.
(02:18):
He doesn't slander us Allthings that we are guilty of
within our own marriages, Allthings that we are guilty of
within our own marriages.
So, when someone comes to youwith a hurting marriage and they
need healing, I like to turn toJames 5.
Verse 19 says my brothers, ifanyone among you wanders from
the truth and someone brings himback, let him know that whoever
(02:41):
brings back a sinner from hiswandering will save his soul
from death and will cover amultitude of sins.
You see, when someone comeshurting and they're in need of
marital healing, I think itstarts by understanding and
applying not only this truth,but some that are just above it.
In James 5.
Verse 16 says therefore,confess your sins to one another
(03:03):
and pray for another that youmay be healed the prayer of a
righteous person has great power, as it is working.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Could the healing that you or your friend are
looking for start withconfession, then repentance and
finally forgiveness?
We think so.
Redemption is to be an everydayexperience in our marriage, but
we never see ourselves in theposition of the person who's
facilitating that redemption,especially when we're the one
(03:33):
that's been wronged against.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Part of the problem is a positional problem.
You see, when sin runs rampant,what you'll find is that that
person coming to you is oftennot looking for a way to
reconcile.
They're looking for a way out.
Sometimes, maybe, they'relooking for just some way to
console the pain.
Sometimes, what they're lookingfor is just a way to numb the
(03:58):
pain.
Maybe today you are the onewhose heart is hurt.
You're the one who's finding iteasier to shut off your
feelings, to shut off godlyadvice, easier to harden your
heart so that you don't have todeal with this any longer.
People coming with hurt areoften asking why should they
want to reconcile to a spousewho does hateful and hurtful
(04:21):
things?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
It's a good question and one we're definitely going
to be addressing here today.
First, let's get this truth outin the open right up front.
Reconciliation healing beginsat the heart level first.
No part or piece of havingpeace again with your spouse can
be attained without addressingwhat's in the heart.
You might be saying, okay, I'vebeen trying, but my spouse's
(04:42):
heart is the one that needs tochange.
They've got to change for thisto work.
I would say yes to that and Iwould also say no to that
statement.
See, if you're married, godwants you to stay married to
that person.
And the truth is we can'tchange our spouse's heart.
That's God's job.
But in the meantime, there arethings you can do.
You can pray for your spousetoday, right now.
(05:04):
You can model the love ofChrist to them and, most
importantly, you can ask God tochange your heart, because
that's going to change yourwords and your actions.
That's where healing beginswith you today, right now, not
when both of you are at the samepoint, because that might not
happen for a while.
She might be much furtherbehind in you in that change
process.
(05:24):
So don't wait for your spouseto change before you do the
right thing.
When someone comes in theirhurt, you might be the only
person in their life that'sactually shedding light on why
they should want to bereconciled to their spouse.
They're probably hearing tonsof other voices saying just
leave.
We find the truth we need todayin the New Testament 2
(05:46):
Corinthians 5.16, for the loveof Christ controls and compels
us.
It's really plain and simple,short and sweet.
That's the motivating forcebehind all of this, and here in
this chapter of 2 Corinthians 5,we see the gospel of Jesus for
our own hearts and the savinggospel of Jesus Christ for our
(06:06):
marriages.
I want you to think back forjust a minute to when you first
became a Christian.
See, when I first acceptedJesus as my Savior, I was a
pretty little girl and Idefinitely understood that I was
a sinner.
I remember getting on my kneesand asking God to save me from
my sin, and that simple littlestep that I took took me from
eternal death to eternal lifebecause I believed.
(06:29):
But it was many years lateruntil I realized that, hey, this
good news about my sins beingforgiven isn't just this
one-time thing back when I was alittle girl.
This stuff is relevant today,right now, what Jesus did on the
cross I can apply to mymarriage, I can apply to my
parenting.
In this moment, it's with thismindset and with an eye on God's
(06:50):
power for our own salvation andthe hope for our marriages to
be reconciled that we're goingto pick back up in 2 Corinthians
5.
It says "for the love of Christcontrols and compels us.
Since we believe that Christdied for all, we also believe
that we have died to our oldlife".
He died for everyone, so thatthose who receive his new life
(07:14):
will no longer live forthemselves.
Instead, they'll live forChrist, who died and was raised
for them.
And this is what I want you tolisten to right now.
Verse 16, we've stoppedevaluating others.
We can put in here.
We've stopped evaluating ourspouses from a human point of
view.
Why?
Because of Christ's grace, ofcourse, because at one time the
verse goes on to say we thoughtof Christ merely from a human
(07:36):
perspective.
How differently we know him now.
This means that anyone whobelongs to Christ has become a
new person.
The old life is gone and thenew life has begun.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
As we continue with the next three verses, I want
you to actually count how manytimes God uses the word
reconcile, picking up in verse18,.
All of this is a gift from God,who brought us back to himself
through Christ, and God hasgiven us this task of
reconciling people to him.
For God was, in Christ,reconciling the world to himself
(08:07):
, no longer counting people'ssins against them, and he gave
us this wonderful message ofreconciliation.
So we are Christ's ambassadors.
God is making his appealthrough us.
We speak for Christ when weplead.
Come back to God, be reconciledto God, for God made Christ,
(08:28):
who never sinned, to be theoffering for our sin, so that we
could be made right with Godthrough Christ.
Our job is clear and, to befrank, it's only when our sinful
pride flares up that weactually reject this message.
We think that you know what.
I would be better off withoutmy spouse.
(08:48):
I don't want to deal with thedifficulty that they've created.
What we find is that we'reactually saying I'm happier
without doing it.
Your way, god.
We look at our spouse from ourown point of view.
We look at their mistakes.
We've forgotten that we've beenmade new in Christ.
Too many people in a hurtingmarriage, accept the lie that
(09:08):
God is able to forgive mybrokenness, my sins, but I'm not
sure he's strong enough to puttogether this broken marriage.
That's when we've stoppedbelieving the healing truth of
the gospel, the here and nowhealing truth of the gospel.
The choice well, it is up tothe person that you're working
to help.
Many people stuck in sin arefinally able to see the futility
(09:34):
of everything they've beentrying to do in the past leading
up to this point.
All they've been doing hascausing them to stumble in the
darkness.
Now they may not have put thistogether, but that's part of
what your goal is Help them tosee that doing it God's way has
the ability to change the statusquo.
This is why you've really gotto see the opportunity when it
(09:56):
comes to your role in helpingothers being reconciled within
their own marriage.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
One thing they might need their eyes open to is that
we don't have to make ourspouses pay for all the wrong
they've done to us, becauseJesus already paid that price.
He took the punishment for oursins and your spouse's sins upon
himself.
Even the sins that you or yourspouse hasn't even committed yet
, they're covered, they're paidfor, and it's not our job ever
(10:25):
to try to make them pay for whatthey've done.
That takes a lot of faith inGod.
It takes trust that God isgoing to be the judge, that he's
going to be the juror, he'sgoing to make things right and
that you are merely a tool inhis hands.
And it's okay to pray for thatkind of faith, god.
Maybe I'm not there right now,but I want you to teach me how
to get there.
(10:46):
We are not in our spouse's lifeto execute any kind of
punishment.
And that includes the reallypractical things like holding
your tongue when you feel likegiving them a piece of your mind
, the huffing and the eyerolling, those non-verbal things
that say you are driving mecrazy right now.
Or even the verbal ones likethrowing their mistakes in their
face and just bringing them uprepeatedly.
(11:07):
Like we said before, none ofthe healing can come in a
marriage.
Until we realize this allstarts with the heart.
If the heart is right beforethe Lord, those things that
we're inclined to do, like Ijust said, they're going to
resolve themselves.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
It's vital to help your friends see their spouse in
light of the gospel.
If they're a believer butblinded by this painful sin in
their life, pray with them thatthey would no longer be deceived
by the enemy.
Pray that the eyes of theirheart would be enlightened to
the gospel once again, that theywould have the courage and
humility to turn and to replacesinful reactions and behavior
(11:44):
with actions, thoughts and wordsthat honor and restore them to
God.
God is in the business ofhealing.
There's never a situationthat's so horrible that it
prevents him from using you andI to be a part of making it
right again.
Let me make this super clearthere is no person with a sin
that is so bad that God wouldwant to turn his back on that
(12:08):
man or woman.
Every situation, every person,every marriage can have
reconciliation.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
If you enjoy a clean Christian historical romance,
one with excitement andunexpected changes, you'll want
to pick up your own copy ofRoots Revealed, book two in my
Roots Run Deep trilogy.
Once you're introduced to thecharacters, you'll want their
(12:43):
secrets to be revealed.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
You'll want the mystery solved and the romances
to blossom More at VowsToKeepcom.
If you have a marriage question, please email questions at
VowsToKeepcom.
Vows To Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
Tracy, let's walk through this in the three steps
that you talked about earlier.
That first part of healing isfirst confession, then it's
repentance and finally it'sforgiveness.
And as we walk through thistoday, your job is to help
anyone who you're helping in ahurting marriage to not just
view and hear these steps inlight of their spouse.
(13:23):
They, for a moment, need to settheir spouse's mess aside and
look at what they themselves arecalled to do according to God's
word.
So often when we're working tohelp someone in a hurting
marriage, what we find is thatpeople sinned against tend to
respond with sin.
So even if this person's spouseisn't really willing to come to
(13:45):
the table to startreconciliation, god can start
the healing through the personthat you are mentoring.
James 5.17 says confess yoursins to one another and you will
be healed.
This sounds simple, but it'ssuper hard to do.
The point is that when you areready to seek reconciliation, go
(14:06):
to your spouse with a repentantheart, completely looking at
only your sins, not theirs.
In your confession to yourspouse, you want to specifically
address the offenses, the hurts, all the things you've done,
all the ways you've sinnedagainst them, and identify the
thoughts as well as the actionsand behavior that need to change
(14:26):
.
Acknowledge how you've hurtthem and remember it's so
important.
Now is not the time to pointout their sins.
Don't try to shift the blamefor what you did wrong on
something they did wrong first.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
A really interesting thing happens when you do this
or when your friend does this.
When your spouse sees that yourecognize your sin, it will most
likely soften their heart.
But you might not see thatfruit right away.
You can expect questions whenyou come to them why did it take
you so long to get to thispoint?
They may put you on the defense.
They may only react withdefense.
(15:01):
Be focused on confession.
Share with them your heart.
Hey, I want to be made rightwith you.
I want to be made right withGod.
This is kind of a speck logsituation.
If you're familiar with Matthew, chapter 7, where Jesus is
teaching, he says why do youlook at the speck of sawdust in
your brother's eye and pay noattention to the plank in your
(15:21):
own eye?
How can you say to your brotherlet me take the speck out of
your eye, when all the timethere's a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite.
First take the plank out ofyour own eye, then you will see
clearly to remove the speck.
The point here is their sin isnot worse than yours.
See your sin in light of thecross and recognize your need
(15:41):
for Jesus and the gospel andthat will make it much easier to
go to them.
This is the perfect time torepent before God for your sins
and pray you could even writethat in there with your spouse
as witness Repent before God,asking both him and your spouse
for forgiveness.
Super powerful.
We don't want to play thehypocrite here.
(16:03):
That's not going to bringhealing to our marriage.
Pointing fingers is not goingto get us to where God wants to
take us.
So, as you can see, the secondstep is repentance.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Ken Sandy wrote a book called the Peacemaker, and
in that you will find a sectionthat talks about that.
Repentance is more than afeeling.
It doesn't simply mean that wefeel bad that we did something
Ken is saying.
To repent means to literallychange the way we think.
This is what Romans 12 saysDon't copy the behavior and
(16:36):
customs of this world, but letGod transform you into a new
person by changing the way youthink.
Repentance is recognizing I'm asinner and my sin is rebellion
against God.
It's rebellion against what hisword is commanding me to do.
Repentance is an unyieldingturning to God in total
(16:57):
obedience.
This step is individual.
It's a spiritual about-facebetween me and God.
Repentance is knowing that I'vemissed the mark and renouncing
that sin and replacing it withthe words and actions and
thoughts that line up with God'sword.
True repentance will be seen inthe fruit of a person's life.
(17:20):
Let me make this clear Anapology does not equate to
repentance.
A heart-level confession to God, with a true crying heart for
his forgiveness and help tochange, will result in outward
actions changing as well.
Repentance begins by confessingour specific sin to God and then
turning away from those sins.
(17:41):
It's so tempting to see our sin, as you know, small minute
compared to our spouse.
It's so easy to believe that weactually don't need to repent
of something because it is sosmall.
It's not nearly as bad as whatthey've done to me.
But God's word tells us, hey,if we've sinned and we all have
if we've fallen short of theglory of God, that every sin is
(18:02):
worthy of a spiritual death.
Take time to examine your heart.
Ask God to reveal those sins,even the ones that you might
think are so small.
You might hear from someoneelse that they think is so small
.
Guess what those thingsrevealed.
Help us to recognize areas thatwe need to repent.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
And finally, the third step in this process of
healing and reconciliation isforgiveness.
To have reconciliation with ourspouse, we have to continually
remember God's forgiveness to us, because we can't give away
something that we don't have.
Neither can your friendRemember the verse we read
earlier from 2 Corinthians 5,where it says God was
(18:45):
reconciling the world to himselfin Christ, not counting
people's sins against them.
God reconciled us to himselfthrough Jesus.
Jesus was that bridge that weneeded to get to God.
And after you have confessedyour sin your response to your
spouse's sin, after you'verepented, we have to consider
(19:05):
that we need to forgive them,even if they haven't asked for
it.
But God's word calls us tonothing less than just that, and
the good news is God wouldnever give us a command to do
something without empowering usto do it.
Forgiveness towards otherscomes when we remember how
loving and gracious, and slow toanger and abounding in
forgiveness our God has been tous, and letting that renewed
(19:27):
awareness of God's love for uscompel us to forgive our spouse.
And let me tell you right now,when you offer that forgiveness,
even if it's just done withinyour own heart, between you and
God your attitude and the wayyou interact with your spouse is
going to change dramatically.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
We're reconciled to God when we ask for, and then
receive, christ's forgivenessfor our sins.
It's in forgiveness thatreconciliation takes place,
because it demonstrates thatforgiveness of God toward us and
anyone else that's involved.
When we apply these scriptures,because of the reconciliation
model we have in Christ, there'shope that you too can have a
(20:07):
completely restored marriage.
What we want to encourage you,to encourage others to do, is to
go to their spouse to confesstheir sins, to repent before God
, to ask for forgiveness, toconfess their sins, to repent
before God, to ask forforgiveness and to give
forgiveness, and then watch andsee what the outcome is.
You're going to see a marriagestart to be restored.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
And what a beautiful restoration process this is
going to be for the marriagethat you are working with or for
your own marriage, given to youfrom the hand of the Father,
who binds up the broken andbuilds what was torn down.
You can find that in Isaiah,chapter 61.
Restoration for your marriageis going to be a time of
rebuilding trust, rebuildingrespect and that closeness that
was lost.
And this is going to be aresult of receiving and living
(20:54):
out biblical truth under thecounsel of God, being spirit-led
, living a life of obedience tothose truths and counsel.
These aren't just words.
We have seen this time and timeagain in the couples that we
work with.
God's word put into practice ispowerful, more powerful than
you maybe even realize.
But do recognize that change isnot instantaneous.
(21:16):
Nor is it enough to just knowthe truth of scripture.
We've got to put them intoaction.
As James 2.26 says, faithwithout deeds is dead.
If you're looking for a jumpingoff place today, start here.
Become a preacher to yourself,preach the gospel to your heart
every single day.
And when that verticalrelationship is in place and
(21:38):
where it needs to be, yourhorizontal relationship with
your spouse or your friend withtheir spouse is going to reap
the benefits.
That's when trust will be builtback into the marriage.
That's when respect andcloseness come once again.
Christ is in the transformationbusiness, and that includes your
marriage, my marriage and yourfriend's marriage.
(21:58):
A gospel-centered heart inyourself or in your friend is
going to keep the motivation forchange God-centered.
You'll start to desire to bringGod glory in every area of your
life.
It's like taking a snowball atthe top of a hill.
You start to make that one stepof obedience and the rest
follow so much easier.
(22:19):
True commitment to change isonly going to come when the
motivation to change isGod-centered.
Now, your spouse, or yourfriend's spouse, may never
reciprocate, or it may take thema very long time to decide hey,
I want to build this thing backup again.
In the meantime, though, yourfriend or you can be the one to
(22:40):
follow that process of healingconfession, repentance and
forgiveness.
And don't discount prayer inthis.
Prayer is huge.
Pray for them.
Make it your goal to model yourSavior's love to them daily and
ask God to give you a love forthem that you might not even
feel.
Trust me, he will answer thatprayer he did for me this
(23:02):
morning.
And finally, don't go the roadof restoration alone.
If this is where you're attoday, find someone who can walk
beside you.
Surround yourself withScripture and people who are
going to speak the truth ofScripture in your life, people
who are going to keep youaccountable to obedience to
scripture and make sure you arein the Bible every single day.
(23:24):
Highlight those passages thatspeak to you, go back to them,
read them out loud, pray them.
Attend church every single week, take notes during the sermon
and get involved in a Biblestudy or a small group in order
to let people in on your life,so you can be further encouraged
and admonished.
The body of Christ is there fora reason.
Remember God has given you theministry of reconciliation.
(23:49):
God's heartbeat is to bring youinto right relationship with
him, so that you can share whathe's given you with others, so
that your relationships might berestored and reconciled and
healed, so that the world willknow that he longs for them to
be reconciled to him.
Join us next week as wecontinue on this series how to
Help a Hurting Marriage, righthere on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:38):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:59):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Hey, there we are David and Tracy, sellers, and,
like you, we've made vows tokeep.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
We're nearing the end of a series we've been enjoying
a lot on how to Help a HurtingMarriage.
This series is all about beingable to walk beside someone who
is going through a hard time,because we've all had people who
come and share the difficultythat they experience in marriage
.
Their spouse is deep in sin.
They feel helpless and hurt.
(00:53):
Sometimes they just want tofeel relief.
Other times they're to thepoint of rejection.
Now they want to run On part 8of our series.
We're talking about how Godwants our faithfulness, when
being faithful comes at a cost.
After all, the word says it'seasy to love someone who's
returning love.
But what we want to focus ontoday is that now is not the
(01:16):
time when someone comes in deephurt.
Now is not the time toencourage them to go for relief.
We want to encourage them tonot ignore God's word, to fight
the good fight, to not be theperson in judgment, to forgive
and, if needed, to ask forforgiveness, to love a spouse
through the sinful spot they'rein.
(01:37):
Sin is going to affect yourmarriage, my marriage and all of
our friends' marriages.
Sin isolates us from our spouse.
God actually intentionally Godspecifically and intentionally
places us with our spouse tohelp us both look more like him.
He's not surprised by your sinor your spouse's sin.
(01:57):
He actually anticipated it.
Jesus went to the cross knowingexactly who you and I are.
God shows when we read his wordhow he handles people who
consistently trip up in theirsin.
He doesn't ignore our sin, hedoesn't pretend it isn't there.
He doesn't hope that it's goingto go away on its own.
He doesn't complain about it.
(02:18):
He doesn't slander us Allthings that we are guilty of
within our own marriages, Allthings that we are guilty of
within our own marriages.
So, when someone comes to youwith a hurting marriage and they
need healing, I like to turn toJames 5.
Verse 19 says my brothers, ifanyone among you wanders from
the truth and someone brings himback, let him know that whoever
(02:41):
brings back a sinner from hiswandering will save his soul
from death and will cover amultitude of sins.
You see, when someone comeshurting and they're in need of
marital healing, I think itstarts by understanding and
applying not only this truth,but some that are just above it.
In James 5.
Verse 16 says therefore,confess your sins to one another
(03:03):
and pray for another that youmay be healed the prayer of a
righteous person has great power, as it is working.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Could the healing that you or your friend are
looking for start withconfession, then repentance and
finally forgiveness?
We think so.
Redemption is to be an everydayexperience in our marriage, but
we never see ourselves in theposition of the person who's
facilitating that redemption,especially when we're the one
(03:33):
that's been wronged against.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Part of the problem is a positional problem.
You see, when sin runs rampant,what you'll find is that that
person coming to you is oftennot looking for a way to
reconcile.
They're looking for a way out.
Sometimes, maybe, they'relooking for just some way to
console the pain.
Sometimes, what they're lookingfor is just a way to numb the
(03:58):
pain.
Maybe today you are the onewhose heart is hurt.
You're the one who's finding iteasier to shut off your
feelings, to shut off godlyadvice, easier to harden your
heart so that you don't have todeal with this any longer.
People coming with hurt areoften asking why should they
want to reconcile to a spousewho does hateful and hurtful
(04:21):
things?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
It's a good question and one we're definitely going
to be addressing here today.
First, let's get this truth outin the open right up front.
Reconciliation healing beginsat the heart level first.
No part or piece of havingpeace again with your spouse can
be attained without addressingwhat's in the heart.
You might be saying, okay, I'vebeen trying, but my spouse's
(04:42):
heart is the one that needs tochange.
They've got to change for thisto work.
I would say yes to that and Iwould also say no to that
statement.
See, if you're married, godwants you to stay married to
that person.
And the truth is we can'tchange our spouse's heart.
That's God's job.
But in the meantime, there arethings you can do.
You can pray for your spousetoday, right now.
(05:04):
You can model the love ofChrist to them and, most
importantly, you can ask God tochange your heart, because
that's going to change yourwords and your actions.
That's where healing beginswith you today, right now, not
when both of you are at the samepoint, because that might not
happen for a while.
She might be much furtherbehind in you in that change
process.
(05:24):
So don't wait for your spouseto change before you do the
right thing.
When someone comes in theirhurt, you might be the only
person in their life that'sactually shedding light on why
they should want to bereconciled to their spouse.
They're probably hearing tonsof other voices saying just
leave.
We find the truth we need todayin the New Testament 2
(05:46):
Corinthians 5.16, for the loveof Christ controls and compels
us.
It's really plain and simple,short and sweet.
That's the motivating forcebehind all of this, and here in
this chapter of 2 Corinthians 5,we see the gospel of Jesus for
our own hearts and the savinggospel of Jesus Christ for our
(06:06):
marriages.
I want you to think back forjust a minute to when you first
became a Christian.
See, when I first acceptedJesus as my Savior, I was a
pretty little girl and Idefinitely understood that I was
a sinner.
I remember getting on my kneesand asking God to save me from
my sin, and that simple littlestep that I took took me from
eternal death to eternal lifebecause I believed.
(06:29):
But it was many years lateruntil I realized that, hey, this
good news about my sins beingforgiven isn't just this
one-time thing back when I was alittle girl.
This stuff is relevant today,right now, what Jesus did on the
cross I can apply to mymarriage, I can apply to my
parenting.
In this moment, it's with thismindset and with an eye on God's
(06:50):
power for our own salvation andthe hope for our marriages to
be reconciled that we're goingto pick back up in 2 Corinthians
5.
It says "for the love of Christcontrols and compels us.
Since we believe that Christdied for all, we also believe
that we have died to our oldlife".
He died for everyone, so thatthose who receive his new life
(07:14):
will no longer live forthemselves.
Instead, they'll live forChrist, who died and was raised
for them.
And this is what I want you tolisten to right now.
Verse 16, we've stoppedevaluating others.
We can put in here.
We've stopped evaluating ourspouses from a human point of
view.
Why?
Because of Christ's grace, ofcourse, because at one time the
verse goes on to say we thoughtof Christ merely from a human
(07:36):
perspective.
How differently we know him now.
This means that anyone whobelongs to Christ has become a
new person.
The old life is gone and thenew life has begun.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
As we continue with the next three verses, I want
you to actually count how manytimes God uses the word
reconcile, picking up in verse18,.
All of this is a gift from God,who brought us back to himself
through Christ, and God hasgiven us this task of
reconciling people to him.
For God was, in Christ,reconciling the world to himself
(08:07):
, no longer counting people'ssins against them, and he gave
us this wonderful message ofreconciliation.
So we are Christ's ambassadors.
God is making his appealthrough us.
We speak for Christ when weplead.
Come back to God, be reconciledto God, for God made Christ,
(08:28):
who never sinned, to be theoffering for our sin, so that we
could be made right with Godthrough Christ.
Our job is clear and, to befrank, it's only when our sinful
pride flares up that weactually reject this message.
We think that you know what.
I would be better off withoutmy spouse.
(08:48):
I don't want to deal with thedifficulty that they've created.
What we find is that we'reactually saying I'm happier
without doing it.
Your way, god.
We look at our spouse from ourown point of view.
We look at their mistakes.
We've forgotten that we've beenmade new in Christ.
Too many people in a hurtingmarriage, accept the lie that
(09:08):
God is able to forgive mybrokenness, my sins, but I'm not
sure he's strong enough to puttogether this broken marriage.
That's when we've stoppedbelieving the healing truth of
the gospel, the here and nowhealing truth of the gospel.
The choice well, it is up tothe person that you're working
to help.
Many people stuck in sin arefinally able to see the futility
(09:34):
of everything they've beentrying to do in the past leading
up to this point.
All they've been doing hascausing them to stumble in the
darkness.
Now they may not have put thistogether, but that's part of
what your goal is Help them tosee that doing it God's way has
the ability to change the statusquo.
This is why you've really gotto see the opportunity when it
(09:56):
comes to your role in helpingothers being reconciled within
their own marriage.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
One thing they might need their eyes open to is that
we don't have to make ourspouses pay for all the wrong
they've done to us, becauseJesus already paid that price.
He took the punishment for oursins and your spouse's sins upon
himself.
Even the sins that you or yourspouse hasn't even committed yet
, they're covered, they're paidfor, and it's not our job ever
(10:25):
to try to make them pay for whatthey've done.
That takes a lot of faith inGod.
It takes trust that God isgoing to be the judge, that he's
going to be the juror, he'sgoing to make things right and
that you are merely a tool inhis hands.
And it's okay to pray for thatkind of faith, god.
Maybe I'm not there right now,but I want you to teach me how
to get there.
(10:46):
We are not in our spouse's lifeto execute any kind of
punishment.
And that includes the reallypractical things like holding
your tongue when you feel likegiving them a piece of your mind
, the huffing and the eyerolling, those non-verbal things
that say you are driving mecrazy right now.
Or even the verbal ones likethrowing their mistakes in their
face and just bringing them uprepeatedly.
(11:07):
Like we said before, none ofthe healing can come in a
marriage.
Until we realize this allstarts with the heart.
If the heart is right beforethe Lord, those things that
we're inclined to do, like Ijust said, they're going to
resolve themselves.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
It's vital to help your friends see their spouse in
light of the gospel.
If they're a believer butblinded by this painful sin in
their life, pray with them thatthey would no longer be deceived
by the enemy.
Pray that the eyes of theirheart would be enlightened to
the gospel once again, that theywould have the courage and
humility to turn and to replacesinful reactions and behavior
(11:44):
with actions, thoughts and wordsthat honor and restore them to
God.
God is in the business ofhealing.
There's never a situationthat's so horrible that it
prevents him from using you andI to be a part of making it
right again.
Let me make this super clearthere is no person with a sin
that is so bad that God wouldwant to turn his back on that
(12:08):
man or woman.
Every situation, every person,every marriage can have
reconciliation.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
If you enjoy a clean Christian historical romance,
one with excitement andunexpected changes, you'll want
to pick up your own copy ofRoots Revealed, book two in my
Roots Run Deep trilogy.
Once you're introduced to thecharacters, you'll want their
(12:43):
secrets to be revealed.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
You'll want the mystery solved and the romances
to blossom More at VowsToKeepcom.
If you have a marriage question, please email questions at
VowsToKeepcom.
Vows To Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
Tracy, let's walk through this in the three steps
that you talked about earlier.
That first part of healing isfirst confession, then it's
repentance and finally it'sforgiveness.
And as we walk through thistoday, your job is to help
anyone who you're helping in ahurting marriage to not just
view and hear these steps inlight of their spouse.
(13:23):
They, for a moment, need to settheir spouse's mess aside and
look at what they themselves arecalled to do according to God's
word.
So often when we're working tohelp someone in a hurting
marriage, what we find is thatpeople sinned against tend to
respond with sin.
So even if this person's spouseisn't really willing to come to
(13:45):
the table to startreconciliation, god can start
the healing through the personthat you are mentoring.
James 5.17 says confess yoursins to one another and you will
be healed.
This sounds simple, but it'ssuper hard to do.
The point is that when you areready to seek reconciliation, go
(14:06):
to your spouse with a repentantheart, completely looking at
only your sins, not theirs.
In your confession to yourspouse, you want to specifically
address the offenses, the hurts, all the things you've done,
all the ways you've sinnedagainst them, and identify the
thoughts as well as the actionsand behavior that need to change
(14:26):
.
Acknowledge how you've hurtthem and remember it's so
important.
Now is not the time to pointout their sins.
Don't try to shift the blamefor what you did wrong on
something they did wrong first.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
A really interesting thing happens when you do this
or when your friend does this.
When your spouse sees that yourecognize your sin, it will most
likely soften their heart.
But you might not see thatfruit right away.
You can expect questions whenyou come to them why did it take
you so long to get to thispoint?
They may put you on the defense.
They may only react withdefense.
(15:01):
Be focused on confession.
Share with them your heart.
Hey, I want to be made rightwith you.
I want to be made right withGod.
This is kind of a speck logsituation.
If you're familiar with Matthew, chapter 7, where Jesus is
teaching, he says why do youlook at the speck of sawdust in
your brother's eye and pay noattention to the plank in your
(15:21):
own eye?
How can you say to your brotherlet me take the speck out of
your eye, when all the timethere's a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite.
First take the plank out ofyour own eye, then you will see
clearly to remove the speck.
The point here is their sin isnot worse than yours.
See your sin in light of thecross and recognize your need
(15:41):
for Jesus and the gospel andthat will make it much easier to
go to them.
This is the perfect time torepent before God for your sins
and pray you could even writethat in there with your spouse
as witness Repent before God,asking both him and your spouse
for forgiveness.
Super powerful.
We don't want to play thehypocrite here.
(16:03):
That's not going to bringhealing to our marriage.
Pointing fingers is not goingto get us to where God wants to
take us.
So, as you can see, the secondstep is repentance.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Ken Sandy wrote a book called the Peacemaker, and
in that you will find a sectionthat talks about that.
Repentance is more than afeeling.
It doesn't simply mean that wefeel bad that we did something
Ken is saying.
To repent means to literallychange the way we think.
This is what Romans 12 saysDon't copy the behavior and
(16:36):
customs of this world, but letGod transform you into a new
person by changing the way youthink.
Repentance is recognizing I'm asinner and my sin is rebellion
against God.
It's rebellion against what hisword is commanding me to do.
Repentance is an unyieldingturning to God in total
(16:57):
obedience.
This step is individual.
It's a spiritual about-facebetween me and God.
Repentance is knowing that I'vemissed the mark and renouncing
that sin and replacing it withthe words and actions and
thoughts that line up with God'sword.
True repentance will be seen inthe fruit of a person's life.
(17:20):
Let me make this clear Anapology does not equate to
repentance.
A heart-level confession to God, with a true crying heart for
his forgiveness and help tochange, will result in outward
actions changing as well.
Repentance begins by confessingour specific sin to God and then
turning away from those sins.
(17:41):
It's so tempting to see our sin, as you know, small minute
compared to our spouse.
It's so easy to believe that weactually don't need to repent
of something because it is sosmall.
It's not nearly as bad as whatthey've done to me.
But God's word tells us, hey,if we've sinned and we all have
if we've fallen short of theglory of God, that every sin is
(18:02):
worthy of a spiritual death.
Take time to examine your heart.
Ask God to reveal those sins,even the ones that you might
think are so small.
You might hear from someoneelse that they think is so small
.
Guess what those thingsrevealed.
Help us to recognize areas thatwe need to repent.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
And finally, the third step in this process of
healing and reconciliation isforgiveness.
To have reconciliation with ourspouse, we have to continually
remember God's forgiveness to us, because we can't give away
something that we don't have.
Neither can your friendRemember the verse we read
earlier from 2 Corinthians 5,where it says God was
(18:45):
reconciling the world to himselfin Christ, not counting
people's sins against them.
God reconciled us to himselfthrough Jesus.
Jesus was that bridge that weneeded to get to God.
And after you have confessedyour sin your response to your
spouse's sin, after you'verepented, we have to consider
(19:05):
that we need to forgive them,even if they haven't asked for
it.
But God's word calls us tonothing less than just that, and
the good news is God wouldnever give us a command to do
something without empowering usto do it.
Forgiveness towards otherscomes when we remember how
loving and gracious, and slow toanger and abounding in
forgiveness our God has been tous, and letting that renewed
(19:27):
awareness of God's love for uscompel us to forgive our spouse.
And let me tell you right now,when you offer that forgiveness,
even if it's just done withinyour own heart, between you and
God your attitude and the wayyou interact with your spouse is
going to change dramatically.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
We're reconciled to God when we ask for, and then
receive, christ's forgivenessfor our sins.
It's in forgiveness thatreconciliation takes place,
because it demonstrates thatforgiveness of God toward us and
anyone else that's involved.
When we apply these scriptures,because of the reconciliation
model we have in Christ, there'shope that you too can have a
(20:07):
completely restored marriage.
What we want to encourage you,to encourage others to do, is to
go to their spouse to confesstheir sins, to repent before God
, to ask for forgiveness, toconfess their sins, to repent
before God, to ask forforgiveness and to give
forgiveness, and then watch andsee what the outcome is.
You're going to see a marriagestart to be restored.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
And what a beautiful restoration process this is
going to be for the marriagethat you are working with or for
your own marriage, given to youfrom the hand of the Father,
who binds up the broken andbuilds what was torn down.
You can find that in Isaiah,chapter 61.
Restoration for your marriageis going to be a time of
rebuilding trust, rebuildingrespect and that closeness that
was lost.
And this is going to be aresult of receiving and living
(20:54):
out biblical truth under thecounsel of God, being spirit-led
, living a life of obedience tothose truths and counsel.
These aren't just words.
We have seen this time and timeagain in the couples that we
work with.
God's word put into practice ispowerful, more powerful than
you maybe even realize.
But do recognize that change isnot instantaneous.
(21:16):
Nor is it enough to just knowthe truth of scripture.
We've got to put them intoaction.
As James 2.26 says, faithwithout deeds is dead.
If you're looking for a jumpingoff place today, start here.
Become a preacher to yourself,preach the gospel to your heart
every single day.
And when that verticalrelationship is in place and
(21:38):
where it needs to be, yourhorizontal relationship with
your spouse or your friend withtheir spouse is going to reap
the benefits.
That's when trust will be builtback into the marriage.
That's when respect andcloseness come once again.
Christ is in the transformationbusiness, and that includes your
marriage, my marriage and yourfriend's marriage.
(21:58):
A gospel-centered heart inyourself or in your friend is
going to keep the motivation forchange God-centered.
You'll start to desire to bringGod glory in every area of your
life.
It's like taking a snowball atthe top of a hill.
You start to make that one stepof obedience and the rest
follow so much easier.
(22:19):
True commitment to change isonly going to come when the
motivation to change isGod-centered.
Now, your spouse, or yourfriend's spouse, may never
reciprocate, or it may take thema very long time to decide hey,
I want to build this thing backup again.
In the meantime, though, yourfriend or you can be the one to
(22:40):
follow that process of healingconfession, repentance and
forgiveness.
And don't discount prayer inthis.
Prayer is huge.
Pray for them.
Make it your goal to model yourSavior's love to them daily and
ask God to give you a love forthem that you might not even
feel.
Trust me, he will answer thatprayer he did for me this
(23:02):
morning.
And finally, don't go the roadof restoration alone.
If this is where you're attoday, find someone who can walk
beside you.
Surround yourself withScripture and people who are
going to speak the truth ofScripture in your life, people
who are going to keep youaccountable to obedience to
scripture and make sure you arein the Bible every single day.
(23:24):
Highlight those passages thatspeak to you, go back to them,
read them out loud, pray them.
Attend church every single week, take notes during the sermon
and get involved in a Biblestudy or a small group in order
to let people in on your life,so you can be further encouraged
and admonished.
The body of Christ is there fora reason.
Remember God has given you theministry of reconciliation.
(23:49):
God's heartbeat is to bring youinto right relationship with
him, so that you can share whathe's given you with others, so
that your relationships might berestored and reconciled and
healed, so that the world willknow that he longs for them to
be reconciled to him.
Join us next week as wecontinue on this series how to
Help a Hurting Marriage, righthere on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:38):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:59):
.
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