May 5, 2025 • 24 mins
How Our Selfish Demands Sabotage Our Marriage :: [Ep. 267]
We are exploring the happy wife, happy life concept in marriage on this week's episode! We are talking about how demanding our way in marriage creates a prison of pride that damages relationships and rejects God's design for mutual service.
We will touch on the following:
• Pride makes us label things as "mine" and expect others to maintain our standards
• Phrases like "happy wife, happy life" enable selfish demands rather than godly love
• God warns of consequences but often allows us to experience what we demand
• Humility is the antidote - shifting from "meet my needs" to "how can I serve?"
• Understanding your spouse's heart helps prevent the demand cycle
• Consistently affirming and serving creates an environment where demands become unnecessary
Come listen today and be encouraged in building a biblically healthy marriage!!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
And, like you, we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
David, I remember the day that I was on a rampage.
You know the kind where you'vegot a goal in mind and you're
looking for anyone withinearshot to help you accomplish
it.
Maybe you felt this way in thegarage I have but for me it was
the house.
The toys in the living roommade it hard for me to remember
what color the rug was, and Iknew, somewhere underneath the
coats in the living room, madeit hard for me to remember what
color the rug was.
And I knew, somewhereunderneath the coats and the
backpacks and the blankets, thatwe did indeed own a couch.
(00:50):
I just couldn't find it amidstall this stuff.
Okay, now, here we are.
Today, our kids don't have toysanymore.
But how about my kitchencounter?
This morning, I took note and Iwant to tell you guys what it
contained.
And this, this is no editing,okay.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
It's a heaping mess.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I wrote this down An egg carton, an empty plastic bag
, two notebooks oops, anotheregg carton seven chargers, a
purple sticky note, my kids' paystubs and college acceptance
letters.
A box of Kleenex, an inhalerthat expired three years ago, a
checkbook, a flyer for alawnmower we can't afford a an
(01:29):
inhaler that expired three yearsago.
A checkbook, a flyer for alawnmower we can't afford.
A flash drive containing whoknows what.
A bill, a receipt, a thank youcard from four months ago, tax
documents from last year and anearmuff yes, just one.
Well, that's a long list, butI'd like to back up to what I
said right before.
I told you about all that stuff.
I said my kitchen counter.
Ah, the key phrase to the heartof why all this stuff bothers
me, the same reason I makeeverybody hop to it and pick up
(01:50):
their mess in my living room.
I think of it as mine andeveryone else better help me get
my stuff the way I want it.
If you're feeling the ouchright now, like I am in your
heart, that's okay.
We're going to dig into thistoday because we've all been in
a room with a mom who's huffedand puffed because the house was
a mess and she wasn't going tobe calm until everyone did their
(02:11):
fair share of the load.
The afternoon gets spentcleaning the house.
Have you ever had a Saturdaylike that?
And magically, it seems, afterthe house is perfect, she goes
from being this woman with wildeyes to being a put together
mama, sitting in her cleanliving room sipping her latte
and asking her five-year-old ifhe'd like her to read him a
story.
Now that's the samefive-year-old who just got
(02:33):
reamed out for not having hisroom up to his mom's
specifications.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
So from crazy to picture perfect is what you're
saying.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
Guys aren't immune from this my way, or the highway
demanding approach, either.
Yes, guys aren't immune fromthis my way, or the highway
demanding approach, either.
Take my garage, for example.
There are basically three rulesthat rule my garage.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
I didn't know this.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Oh yeah, okay, Number one, you do know this.
Actually, only car stuff isallowed in the garage.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Okay, yes, I did know that rule.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
No bikes, no storage tubs from the house, nothing.
Rule number two a massive messaround, three projects that
aren't finished just shows a manwho's working.
We clean twice a year.
Rule number three keep thedoors closed to keep out the cat
and the chickens lest they die.
Maybe it'll be from theantifreeze or maybe it'll be
(03:20):
from the annoyed dad who'schasing them out of the garage.
My space can look like thisbecause it is so.
Mine and, as you're pointingout, tracy, that is so wrong.
Now I have some opposite idealswhen it comes to cleanliness,
but isn't it interesting that wecan both so easily justify our
causes, our attitudes and ourselfishness?
(03:43):
We make it painfully clear whatis important to me, it's our
put out attitudes and the ruleswe make, all the things that we
do that make the message superclear.
This matters most to me.
Some men are listening,thinking hey, listen, if a
cluttered house is making herupset, fine, I'll wrangle the
(04:05):
kids, we'll pick up the housejust to get this over with.
It's not worth her wrath.
We've seen the evidence.
We're afraid of it.
We know our wife's reactionwhen she doesn't get what she
wants.
Listen, fella.
Only a fool doesn't learn fromhis mistakes.
Happy wife, happy life right,but it doesn't stop there.
(04:26):
How many married couples do youknow who can't have a
conversation about something asroutine as dinner?
Let me give you an example.
We were at the clothes storerecently.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Yeah, a couple of days ago, and we were looking
for jeans and right behind us inthe next section, this lady was
trying to sell her husband on ahat that he didn't want and
their voices started to raiseand this rant lasted between
this elderly couple for likethree or four minutes.
This so clearly was routine tothem.
It was like they didn't evenknow they were in a public space
(04:58):
or that their conversation wasinappropriate towards one
another.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Yeah, they were hacking and digging at each
other.
Maybe you can relate.
Maybe you've gone down the roadof expressing your opinion
about where you want to go todinner and your spouse comes
back with a retort andcomplaints about how terrible
the food is at that place.
If they're not getting theiroption, first and foremost, fine
, we say fine, just let her haveit her way.
(05:22):
It's easier than dealing withthe stupid static.
Sure, happy wife, happy life.
There is too many of usChristian men literally thinking
that we are glorifying God withour attitudes of giving in when
the world sees this movingmarriage train wreck.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Well, it's funny you should say that, David, because
I heard that phrase used theother day.
I was watching a couple huntfor a house on TV and he really
wanted to stay within a certainbudget.
But the wife was dead set onhaving particular features to
the house.
You know, it had to havegranite countertops and a huge
master suite, and she wasinsisting on these things.
He just shrugged his shouldersand repeated happy wife, happy
(06:04):
life, and went $100,000 overbudget.
Now she was thrilled.
He was just thrilled to notreceive the repercussions of
what would have happened if hedenied her dreams and stayed
within their budget.
We can always justify why wethink we should get what we want
.
We don't always see its truecost.
Now, in that situation, shejust signed her husband up for
(06:27):
an additional maybe three to sixyears of work so she could have
those additional amenities.
When I tell everyone in myhouse to drop what they're doing
to get my house up to mystandards, what's invisible in
that moment but shows up lateron is the high cost to them.
It's the long-term invisibleeggshells that I make everybody
(06:48):
else walk on.
I've been known to show my wrathto my family if I don't get
what I want.
How about you?
What do you want and how do youshow your family you're not
happy with the results?
If mama ain't happy, ain'tnobody happy.
It's a similar phrase that'sreally handy to throw around
when I want someone to give intomy demands, and if you start
(07:09):
looking for it, there's a lot ofsupport for this mindset.
I've heard it said mama has tomake her own happiness a number
one priority and, mama, yourfamily needs for you to be happy
, and you're the only one thatcan make that happen.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
This lie is not just for women.
Men, what are you demanding?
Either with your words or yourattitude, or your obstinate
silence.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Your family's happiness, your husband's
happiness, your wife's happiness?
Do you really want it to bebased on yours?
Where should their happinesscome from?
What should their life looklike?
Should it be catering to yourevery need until you are happy?
I think we automatically say noto that, but that's how we live
.
Sometimes I think we shouldwant more for them than that.
(07:54):
Shouldn't our goal be to showthem that their ultimate
fulfillment can be found rightnow, in Christ, not serving our
every need, and then reachingthat point, when we aren't
around, that they can finallyjust breathe and just serve God
the way he's called them to?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
The problem isn't that our house actually needs to
be left in disarray.
That's not what we're trying tosay here.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
We don't realize it sometimes, but we're building
our lives one complaint, onedemand at a time.
What we're looking for is alife that will serve us.
It's a life based on pride, andthat might be hard to hear, but
that's the reason why we womenlaugh and we nod at these
t-shirts or pillows or signswith these phrases on them,
because we know we'll be servedif our family buys into these
(08:38):
concepts hook, line and sinkerand really all it takes is a few
, just a handful of times wherewe make them pay in one way or
another for them not giving uswhat we want.
And now you've got them trainedto kowtow to the life of pride
and self-service that you builtfor yourself.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
It's totally possible that you might not even
recognize that this is whatyou're doing to your husband, or
to your wife or to your kids.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Let me reassure you you're not alone in this
misguided perception.
We're going to turn right nowto a great chapter in God's word
1 Samuel, chapter 8.
The Israelites had the bestking ever, god, god himself.
God chose people to serve asprophets and judges and priests
under him, and Samuel was thisintermediary and he was often
(09:27):
God's mouthpiece to theIsraelites.
In 1 Samuel 8, the people sawhey, samuel's getting old, he's
about to die, and his sons?
They're not really doing agreat job.
Maybe as followers of Samuel,they're not going to be good
leaders.
So they gathered together andthey came up with an even better
plan, something they thoughtwould be their ticket to success
(09:47):
.
So we're going to dig into thispassage a little bit, starting
in verse 5.
They said to Samuel now appointa king to lead us, such as all
the other nations have.
But when they said, give us aking to lead us, this displeased
Samuel.
So he prayed to the Lord andthe Lord told him listen to.
All the people are saying toyou.
It's not you they've rejected,but they've rejected me as their
(10:08):
king, as they have done fromthe day I brought them up out of
Egypt until this day, forsakingme and serving other gods.
So they are doing to you.
Now listen to them.
But here's the kicker.
He says warn them solemnly andlet them know what the king who
will reign over them will claimas his rights.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
Verse 10 continues.
Samuel told all the words ofthe Lord to the people who were
asking him for a king.
He said this is what the kingwho will reign over you will
claim as his rights.
He will take your sons and makethem serve with his chariots
and horses and they will run infront of his chariots Some he
will assign to be commanders ofthousands and commanders of
(10:47):
fifties, and others to plow hisfield and reap his harvest, and
still others to make weapons ofwar and equip for his chariots.
He will take your daughters tobe perfumers and cooks and
bakers.
He will take the best of yourfields and vineyards and olive
groves and give them to hisattendants.
He will take a tenth of yourgrain and your vintage and give
it to his officials andattendants, your male and female
(11:10):
servants.
And the best of your cattle anddonkeys he will take for his
own use.
He will take a tenth of yourflocks and you yourselves will
become his slaves, and when thatday comes, you will cry out for
relief from the king you'vechosen.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Samuel was worried because he could see the
consequences that the peoplecould not the Israelites and
their demands.
They traded God as their kingfor this smug named King Saul,
and it wasn't going to go theway they thought it would at all
, and demanding my way lookslike it's going to make me happy
in the end.
Demanding that everyone elseserves me, though, turns out to
(11:47):
be a terrible taskmaster.
We end up becoming slaves of anidol that will never deliver,
and here's the thing we alsomake our family slaves of it too
.
Instead of saying yes, god,your way, I want to keep you as
my king.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Even though they thought this was going to make
them happy, god loved themenough to warn them.
And even with that warning,let's read the end of this
passage to see what the peopledecided to do.
It says in verse 19 of 1 Samuel, chapter 8,.
But the people refused tolisten to Samuel.
No, they said we want a kingover us.
Then we'll be like all theother nations, with a king to
(12:25):
lead us and to go out before usand to fight our battles.
That's what they were lookingfor.
Holy cow, how could the maker ofthe world warn you, only to
have you ignore it?
Well, here's how it's pride.
If pride has been that drivingforce behind our actions, the
obvious antidote is humility Notletting your family's happiness
(12:49):
be based upon yours.
Think about this when we demandour ideals.
Most of the time, we forceGod's hand in a fight for what's
most important in our life, andGod's way will win every time,
but he often allows us to gothrough the short-term pain of
the choice we've made.
King Saul was the ideal thatthe Israelites sought after.
(13:13):
The end result wasn't that Godwas going to deliver some
crushing blow, but rather, inhis wisdom, he let them have
exactly what they desired inorder for them to see it as
costly and eternallyinsufficient.
In God's love, he allows thispicture-perfect thing we aspire
for to be completelyunfulfilling, while at the same
time helping our family to seethat serving someone else's idol
(13:35):
will simply burn you and themout.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Not putting those you love in your confining little
box of self-promotion is goingto free them.
It's going to be great.
Allow your kids to see thatlife is bigger than you.
Allow your husband the freedomto lead you.
Allow his gifts to befulfilling to you, not receiving
because you've demanded them,but allowing him to be a conduit
of God's love for you.
When we live in humility,saying God your way is best and
(14:05):
serving you as my life's goal,not serving me, our kids are
going to start to see a newpicture.
They are watching and they arelearning from what you're doing.
If your life is about you,they're reflecting your example,
that they're the most importantperson in the room and their
job is to let everyone else knowhey, the world revolves around
me.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
The Israelites in 1 Samuel felt they had a right to
a king.
Their leader was dying andevery nation around them has got
this awesome ruler.
And in my mind's eye I can seethem kind of stamping their foot
like a spoiled child a spoiled,forgetful child.
Because just in the previouschapter we see God doing what a
good king would do he wasrescuing them, he was forgiving
(14:47):
them, he was disciplining them,he was calling them back to
himself, even when these peoplewere evil.
Like little kids, we quicklytransfer from being grateful to
demanding.
Our preferences went out and weforget what God has done for us
.
Our forgetfulness of the gospelof Jesus Christ somehow
translates into free reign, toforcing our own way.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
It's like throwing a fit.
If you will, If you're readyfor your home and marriage to
start looking different, ifyou're ready to see the tables
turn and flip things right wayup, the way God intended them to
be.
It actually doesn't start withyour words and those demands
that come out of your mouth.
It starts with your heart.
We've talked about that alittle bit with this pride,
humility thing.
(15:32):
When we lay down our rights,what we think is ours and what
we think is going to make ushappy and shift to a different
attitude, one of thankfulness,like David was just talking
about, we stop saying meet myneeds and we start saying in our
heart God, I trust you to takecare of me.
I stopped coercing my familyinto serving me and I ask
(15:55):
instead hey, how can I help youtoday?
What do you need?
How can I serve you?
How can I love you?
Letting Jesus be my example,letting the power of the Holy
Spirit work in my heart tochange me, to be more
Christ-like, releases my familyfrom the prison of happy wife,
happy life to the freedom ofserving Christ by serving one
(16:16):
another.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Now, husbands, I've got a very healthy charge for
you as well, because there's alot of wives that are right now
struggling with what Tracy'sjust said.
You want me to put down mydemands.
Well, let me tell you, husbands, we can make this attitude of
demand and entitlement reallyeasy for our wife to adopt when
we neglect God's command to pourinto her.
(16:39):
The irony of our message todayis this A wife taking the
attitude of mom ain't happy,ain't nobody happy or happy wife
, happy life.
That's not something that'sbiblically supportable, but your
role as a husband is to loveyour wife, which means you need
to know her needs, you need tounderstand her wants and you
need to make them your secondpriority after your relationship
(17:00):
with God.
When you miss this calling thatGod has for us as husbands, we
typically take one of two roads.
The first road is we fail tolead with generous love, and in
today's culture, what we do isenable, I'd say even force our
wives into the leadership role.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Today's woman power world, if I can put it that way,
embraces that new norm anddoesn't embrace God.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
And too many Christian men make our wives our
excuse for not saying, oh, theywould not follow.
But there's a second road thatwe can choose.
We can read the Bible and wecan find that we men hold the
antidote for this condition.
Stewardship is the principlethat I want you to think about
(17:47):
today the job of taking care of,even if who you're taking care
of doesn't appreciate it,doesn't reciprocate it.
You are called to steward God'slove for her through you.
Let me say that again you arecalled to steward God's love for
her through you.
If you're still not quite surewhat I mean, let me share with
you another biblical story abouta wife.
(18:09):
For context, we're going to bereading from the book of Isaiah.
This book is inspired by God,written to his people.
It's written to Israel.
He, in several places, makesreferences to himself, god,
being the groom, and his people,israel, being that bride.
So with that context, I want toread to you Isaiah 65.
The Lord says I revealed myselfto those who did not ask for me.
(18:33):
I was found by those who didnot seek me, to a nation that
did not call upon my name.
I said here am I, here am I.
All day long I've held out myhands to an obstinate people who
walk in ways that are not good,pursuing their own imaginations
, a people who continuallyprovoke me to my very
imaginations, of people whocontinually provoke me to my
very face.
Some of you listening today,you know exactly how this feels,
(19:00):
because your spouse has beendemanding.
They're not seeking godliness,they're pursuing their own
imagination.
And God is saying to thisobstinate people listen, I am
here, I am pursuing you Now as ahusband.
You might be able to relate,but according to Ephesians 5.25,
we're commanded to love ourwives, and this doesn't mean
that we're just reactive whenthey're upset in order to make
(19:23):
them happy.
This gets kind of confusing forsome guys, especially when
giving her her preference won'tresult in what's most
God-honoring.
God's love is big picture, it'sall-encompassing.
We choose the losing side of acontest every time when we
knowingly pander to the demandswhich will have short-term
(19:45):
payoffs in our home.
At best Is she running aroundthe house on a rampage because
it's a mess?
Well, loving her means pullingher aside, admonishing her,
helping her to see what are theprinciples that should be ruling
your house.
It means showing her how torepent and get right before God
and potentially to the rest ofthe family if her agenda has
(20:07):
been her.
And then it means and don'tmiss this, guys and then it
means taking on her causes, notfrom a position of fear, but
from a position of passionateservice.
The primary problem in marriageisn't this overwhelming
leadership on the part of women,it's in the lack of leadership
(20:28):
in the men.
Guys, we've got to stop tryingto force our wife to be the
leader because you lackinitiative or you lack
self-discipline.
God has given you a charge andthe ability to follow it through
, and there's consequences whenyou don't Hear me.
Your wife wants you to take thelead.
She's looking for a man who isstrong enough to follow God's
(20:52):
word about the most importantthings.
She's looking for a man who'saware enough of his family's
purpose to set a direction forthat family and keep everyone
moving forward.
There are some very practicalways that a husband can do just
that.
Proverbs 20, verse 5, says thepurpose in a man's heart is like
deep water, but a man ofunderstanding will draw it out.
(21:16):
Asking your wife thoseintentional questions is a way
that you can learn about thestate of her soul.
Questions like how are youencouraged in your faith and
life right now.
How are you discouraged inthose things?
How can I pray for you?
Second, obviously, is aboutserving your wife.
We've been talking about that.
(21:36):
What can I do today to makeyour life easier?
Maybe it's things like doingthe laundry or washing the
dishes or taking the kids toschool.
Jesus gives this example inMark 10, verse 45, when he says
hey, I didn't come to be served,but to serve.
Next, make time for your wifeand your marriage.
(21:58):
If you don't make time for yourmarriage, you're not going to
have time for your marriage.
Life is busy and we must bevery intentional about
prioritizing the health of ourmarriage.
That means there needs to besome regular cadence to things.
I would encourage you to makesure that every day, you take
time to pray with your wife andyour children.
(22:20):
I would encourage you to try toget away on a date every week
or every other week to go onsome sort of quarterly escape
with each other, an overnighter,and just make sure that you
have regular touch points withyour wife.
Next, I think we've got to bereally good at what the Apostle
Peter tells us, as husbands, todo, to live with our wives in an
understanding way, and one ofthe ways that we can do this is
(22:43):
by studying them, knowing theirheart.
As well as we know anythingabout our favorite sports teams
or our job or industry, we needto understand what our wife
likes, what she dislikes, whather dreams are.
If you don't know these things,it's time for an intentional
conversation, and this isn'tsomething that stays the same.
Listen more than you talk inthose kinds of conversations and
(23:05):
do it often and in closing.
Proverbs 5, 19 is just one of myfavorite verses on marriage.
It says be intoxicated alwaysin her love.
The point is that a man is tobe crazy in love with his wife.
How do you keep your wife outof the demand cycle?
(23:26):
We'll remind her often whyyou're in love with her.
Write her a card.
Put it on a sticky note on themirror in the bathroom.
Make sure you affirm her beforeothers.
Esteem her in the presence ofanyone that you are around.
Surprise her with acts ofkindness.
Don't make her come to youbegging for them.
Take the kids.
Send her out with some friendsfor the night.
(23:47):
Encourage her with how you seegod at work in her life and
periodically take her on a date,slowly and specifically telling
her how you see her growing inher faith.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
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If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
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(24:24):
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If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
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Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:47):
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This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
And, like you, we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
David, I remember the day that I was on a rampage.
You know the kind where you'vegot a goal in mind and you're
looking for anyone withinearshot to help you accomplish
it.
Maybe you felt this way in thegarage I have but for me it was
the house.
The toys in the living roommade it hard for me to remember
what color the rug was, and Iknew, somewhere underneath the
coats in the living room, madeit hard for me to remember what
color the rug was.
And I knew, somewhereunderneath the coats and the
backpacks and the blankets, thatwe did indeed own a couch.
(00:50):
I just couldn't find it amidstall this stuff.
Okay, now, here we are.
Today, our kids don't have toysanymore.
But how about my kitchencounter?
This morning, I took note and Iwant to tell you guys what it
contained.
And this, this is no editing,okay.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
It's a heaping mess.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I wrote this down An egg carton, an empty plastic bag
, two notebooks oops, anotheregg carton seven chargers, a
purple sticky note, my kids' paystubs and college acceptance
letters.
A box of Kleenex, an inhalerthat expired three years ago, a
checkbook, a flyer for alawnmower we can't afford a an
(01:29):
inhaler that expired three yearsago.
A checkbook, a flyer for alawnmower we can't afford.
A flash drive containing whoknows what.
A bill, a receipt, a thank youcard from four months ago, tax
documents from last year and anearmuff yes, just one.
Well, that's a long list, butI'd like to back up to what I
said right before.
I told you about all that stuff.
I said my kitchen counter.
Ah, the key phrase to the heartof why all this stuff bothers
me, the same reason I makeeverybody hop to it and pick up
(01:50):
their mess in my living room.
I think of it as mine andeveryone else better help me get
my stuff the way I want it.
If you're feeling the ouchright now, like I am in your
heart, that's okay.
We're going to dig into thistoday because we've all been in
a room with a mom who's huffedand puffed because the house was
a mess and she wasn't going tobe calm until everyone did their
(02:11):
fair share of the load.
The afternoon gets spentcleaning the house.
Have you ever had a Saturdaylike that?
And magically, it seems, afterthe house is perfect, she goes
from being this woman with wildeyes to being a put together
mama, sitting in her cleanliving room sipping her latte
and asking her five-year-old ifhe'd like her to read him a
story.
Now that's the samefive-year-old who just got
(02:33):
reamed out for not having hisroom up to his mom's
specifications.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
So from crazy to picture perfect is what you're
saying.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
Guys aren't immune from this my way, or the highway
demanding approach, either.
Yes, guys aren't immune fromthis my way, or the highway
demanding approach, either.
Take my garage, for example.
There are basically three rulesthat rule my garage.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
I didn't know this.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Oh yeah, okay, Number one, you do know this.
Actually, only car stuff isallowed in the garage.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Okay, yes, I did know that rule.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
No bikes, no storage tubs from the house, nothing.
Rule number two a massive messaround, three projects that
aren't finished just shows a manwho's working.
We clean twice a year.
Rule number three keep thedoors closed to keep out the cat
and the chickens lest they die.
Maybe it'll be from theantifreeze or maybe it'll be
(03:20):
from the annoyed dad who'schasing them out of the garage.
My space can look like thisbecause it is so.
Mine and, as you're pointingout, tracy, that is so wrong.
Now I have some opposite idealswhen it comes to cleanliness,
but isn't it interesting that wecan both so easily justify our
causes, our attitudes and ourselfishness?
(03:43):
We make it painfully clear whatis important to me, it's our
put out attitudes and the ruleswe make, all the things that we
do that make the message superclear.
This matters most to me.
Some men are listening,thinking hey, listen, if a
cluttered house is making herupset, fine, I'll wrangle the
(04:05):
kids, we'll pick up the housejust to get this over with.
It's not worth her wrath.
We've seen the evidence.
We're afraid of it.
We know our wife's reactionwhen she doesn't get what she
wants.
Listen, fella.
Only a fool doesn't learn fromhis mistakes.
Happy wife, happy life right,but it doesn't stop there.
(04:26):
How many married couples do youknow who can't have a
conversation about something asroutine as dinner?
Let me give you an example.
We were at the clothes storerecently.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Yeah, a couple of days ago, and we were looking
for jeans and right behind us inthe next section, this lady was
trying to sell her husband on ahat that he didn't want and
their voices started to raiseand this rant lasted between
this elderly couple for likethree or four minutes.
This so clearly was routine tothem.
It was like they didn't evenknow they were in a public space
(04:58):
or that their conversation wasinappropriate towards one
another.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Yeah, they were hacking and digging at each
other.
Maybe you can relate.
Maybe you've gone down the roadof expressing your opinion
about where you want to go todinner and your spouse comes
back with a retort andcomplaints about how terrible
the food is at that place.
If they're not getting theiroption, first and foremost, fine
, we say fine, just let her haveit her way.
(05:22):
It's easier than dealing withthe stupid static.
Sure, happy wife, happy life.
There is too many of usChristian men literally thinking
that we are glorifying God withour attitudes of giving in when
the world sees this movingmarriage train wreck.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Well, it's funny you should say that, David, because
I heard that phrase used theother day.
I was watching a couple huntfor a house on TV and he really
wanted to stay within a certainbudget.
But the wife was dead set onhaving particular features to
the house.
You know, it had to havegranite countertops and a huge
master suite, and she wasinsisting on these things.
He just shrugged his shouldersand repeated happy wife, happy
(06:04):
life, and went $100,000 overbudget.
Now she was thrilled.
He was just thrilled to notreceive the repercussions of
what would have happened if hedenied her dreams and stayed
within their budget.
We can always justify why wethink we should get what we want
.
We don't always see its truecost.
Now, in that situation, shejust signed her husband up for
(06:27):
an additional maybe three to sixyears of work so she could have
those additional amenities.
When I tell everyone in myhouse to drop what they're doing
to get my house up to mystandards, what's invisible in
that moment but shows up lateron is the high cost to them.
It's the long-term invisibleeggshells that I make everybody
(06:48):
else walk on.
I've been known to show my wrathto my family if I don't get
what I want.
How about you?
What do you want and how do youshow your family you're not
happy with the results?
If mama ain't happy, ain'tnobody happy.
It's a similar phrase that'sreally handy to throw around
when I want someone to give intomy demands, and if you start
(07:09):
looking for it, there's a lot ofsupport for this mindset.
I've heard it said mama has tomake her own happiness a number
one priority and, mama, yourfamily needs for you to be happy
, and you're the only one thatcan make that happen.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
This lie is not just for women.
Men, what are you demanding?
Either with your words or yourattitude, or your obstinate
silence.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Your family's happiness, your husband's
happiness, your wife's happiness?
Do you really want it to bebased on yours?
Where should their happinesscome from?
What should their life looklike?
Should it be catering to yourevery need until you are happy?
I think we automatically say noto that, but that's how we live
.
Sometimes I think we shouldwant more for them than that.
(07:54):
Shouldn't our goal be to showthem that their ultimate
fulfillment can be found rightnow, in Christ, not serving our
every need, and then reachingthat point, when we aren't
around, that they can finallyjust breathe and just serve God
the way he's called them to?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
The problem isn't that our house actually needs to
be left in disarray.
That's not what we're trying tosay here.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
We don't realize it sometimes, but we're building
our lives one complaint, onedemand at a time.
What we're looking for is alife that will serve us.
It's a life based on pride, andthat might be hard to hear, but
that's the reason why we womenlaugh and we nod at these
t-shirts or pillows or signswith these phrases on them,
because we know we'll be servedif our family buys into these
(08:38):
concepts hook, line and sinkerand really all it takes is a few
, just a handful of times wherewe make them pay in one way or
another for them not giving uswhat we want.
And now you've got them trainedto kowtow to the life of pride
and self-service that you builtfor yourself.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
It's totally possible that you might not even
recognize that this is whatyou're doing to your husband, or
to your wife or to your kids.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Let me reassure you you're not alone in this
misguided perception.
We're going to turn right nowto a great chapter in God's word
1 Samuel, chapter 8.
The Israelites had the bestking ever, god, god himself.
God chose people to serve asprophets and judges and priests
under him, and Samuel was thisintermediary and he was often
(09:27):
God's mouthpiece to theIsraelites.
In 1 Samuel 8, the people sawhey, samuel's getting old, he's
about to die, and his sons?
They're not really doing agreat job.
Maybe as followers of Samuel,they're not going to be good
leaders.
So they gathered together andthey came up with an even better
plan, something they thoughtwould be their ticket to success
(09:47):
.
So we're going to dig into thispassage a little bit, starting
in verse 5.
They said to Samuel now appointa king to lead us, such as all
the other nations have.
But when they said, give us aking to lead us, this displeased
Samuel.
So he prayed to the Lord andthe Lord told him listen to.
All the people are saying toyou.
It's not you they've rejected,but they've rejected me as their
(10:08):
king, as they have done fromthe day I brought them up out of
Egypt until this day, forsakingme and serving other gods.
So they are doing to you.
Now listen to them.
But here's the kicker.
He says warn them solemnly andlet them know what the king who
will reign over them will claimas his rights.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
Verse 10 continues.
Samuel told all the words ofthe Lord to the people who were
asking him for a king.
He said this is what the kingwho will reign over you will
claim as his rights.
He will take your sons and makethem serve with his chariots
and horses and they will run infront of his chariots Some he
will assign to be commanders ofthousands and commanders of
(10:47):
fifties, and others to plow hisfield and reap his harvest, and
still others to make weapons ofwar and equip for his chariots.
He will take your daughters tobe perfumers and cooks and
bakers.
He will take the best of yourfields and vineyards and olive
groves and give them to hisattendants.
He will take a tenth of yourgrain and your vintage and give
it to his officials andattendants, your male and female
(11:10):
servants.
And the best of your cattle anddonkeys he will take for his
own use.
He will take a tenth of yourflocks and you yourselves will
become his slaves, and when thatday comes, you will cry out for
relief from the king you'vechosen.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Samuel was worried because he could see the
consequences that the peoplecould not the Israelites and
their demands.
They traded God as their kingfor this smug named King Saul,
and it wasn't going to go theway they thought it would at all
, and demanding my way lookslike it's going to make me happy
in the end.
Demanding that everyone elseserves me, though, turns out to
(11:47):
be a terrible taskmaster.
We end up becoming slaves of anidol that will never deliver,
and here's the thing we alsomake our family slaves of it too
.
Instead of saying yes, god,your way, I want to keep you as
my king.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Even though they thought this was going to make
them happy, god loved themenough to warn them.
And even with that warning,let's read the end of this
passage to see what the peopledecided to do.
It says in verse 19 of 1 Samuel, chapter 8,.
But the people refused tolisten to Samuel.
No, they said we want a kingover us.
Then we'll be like all theother nations, with a king to
(12:25):
lead us and to go out before usand to fight our battles.
That's what they were lookingfor.
Holy cow, how could the maker ofthe world warn you, only to
have you ignore it?
Well, here's how it's pride.
If pride has been that drivingforce behind our actions, the
obvious antidote is humility Notletting your family's happiness
(12:49):
be based upon yours.
Think about this when we demandour ideals.
Most of the time, we forceGod's hand in a fight for what's
most important in our life, andGod's way will win every time,
but he often allows us to gothrough the short-term pain of
the choice we've made.
King Saul was the ideal thatthe Israelites sought after.
(13:13):
The end result wasn't that Godwas going to deliver some
crushing blow, but rather, inhis wisdom, he let them have
exactly what they desired inorder for them to see it as
costly and eternallyinsufficient.
In God's love, he allows thispicture-perfect thing we aspire
for to be completelyunfulfilling, while at the same
time helping our family to seethat serving someone else's idol
(13:35):
will simply burn you and themout.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Not putting those you love in your confining little
box of self-promotion is goingto free them.
It's going to be great.
Allow your kids to see thatlife is bigger than you.
Allow your husband the freedomto lead you.
Allow his gifts to befulfilling to you, not receiving
because you've demanded them,but allowing him to be a conduit
of God's love for you.
When we live in humility,saying God your way is best and
(14:05):
serving you as my life's goal,not serving me, our kids are
going to start to see a newpicture.
They are watching and they arelearning from what you're doing.
If your life is about you,they're reflecting your example,
that they're the most importantperson in the room and their
job is to let everyone else knowhey, the world revolves around
me.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
The Israelites in 1 Samuel felt they had a right to
a king.
Their leader was dying andevery nation around them has got
this awesome ruler.
And in my mind's eye I can seethem kind of stamping their foot
like a spoiled child a spoiled,forgetful child.
Because just in the previouschapter we see God doing what a
good king would do he wasrescuing them, he was forgiving
(14:47):
them, he was disciplining them,he was calling them back to
himself, even when these peoplewere evil.
Like little kids, we quicklytransfer from being grateful to
demanding.
Our preferences went out and weforget what God has done for us
.
Our forgetfulness of the gospelof Jesus Christ somehow
translates into free reign, toforcing our own way.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
It's like throwing a fit.
If you will, If you're readyfor your home and marriage to
start looking different, ifyou're ready to see the tables
turn and flip things right wayup, the way God intended them to
be.
It actually doesn't start withyour words and those demands
that come out of your mouth.
It starts with your heart.
We've talked about that alittle bit with this pride,
humility thing.
(15:32):
When we lay down our rights,what we think is ours and what
we think is going to make ushappy and shift to a different
attitude, one of thankfulness,like David was just talking
about, we stop saying meet myneeds and we start saying in our
heart God, I trust you to takecare of me.
I stopped coercing my familyinto serving me and I ask
(15:55):
instead hey, how can I help youtoday?
What do you need?
How can I serve you?
How can I love you?
Letting Jesus be my example,letting the power of the Holy
Spirit work in my heart tochange me, to be more
Christ-like, releases my familyfrom the prison of happy wife,
happy life to the freedom ofserving Christ by serving one
(16:16):
another.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Now, husbands, I've got a very healthy charge for
you as well, because there's alot of wives that are right now
struggling with what Tracy'sjust said.
You want me to put down mydemands.
Well, let me tell you, husbands, we can make this attitude of
demand and entitlement reallyeasy for our wife to adopt when
we neglect God's command to pourinto her.
(16:39):
The irony of our message todayis this A wife taking the
attitude of mom ain't happy,ain't nobody happy or happy wife
, happy life.
That's not something that'sbiblically supportable, but your
role as a husband is to loveyour wife, which means you need
to know her needs, you need tounderstand her wants and you
need to make them your secondpriority after your relationship
(17:00):
with God.
When you miss this calling thatGod has for us as husbands, we
typically take one of two roads.
The first road is we fail tolead with generous love, and in
today's culture, what we do isenable, I'd say even force our
wives into the leadership role.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Today's woman power world, if I can put it that way,
embraces that new norm anddoesn't embrace God.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
And too many Christian men make our wives our
excuse for not saying, oh, theywould not follow.
But there's a second road thatwe can choose.
We can read the Bible and wecan find that we men hold the
antidote for this condition.
Stewardship is the principlethat I want you to think about
(17:47):
today the job of taking care of,even if who you're taking care
of doesn't appreciate it,doesn't reciprocate it.
You are called to steward God'slove for her through you.
Let me say that again you arecalled to steward God's love for
her through you.
If you're still not quite surewhat I mean, let me share with
you another biblical story abouta wife.
(18:09):
For context, we're going to bereading from the book of Isaiah.
This book is inspired by God,written to his people.
It's written to Israel.
He, in several places, makesreferences to himself, god,
being the groom, and his people,israel, being that bride.
So with that context, I want toread to you Isaiah 65.
The Lord says I revealed myselfto those who did not ask for me.
(18:33):
I was found by those who didnot seek me, to a nation that
did not call upon my name.
I said here am I, here am I.
All day long I've held out myhands to an obstinate people who
walk in ways that are not good,pursuing their own imaginations
, a people who continuallyprovoke me to my very
imaginations, of people whocontinually provoke me to my
very face.
Some of you listening today,you know exactly how this feels,
(19:00):
because your spouse has beendemanding.
They're not seeking godliness,they're pursuing their own
imagination.
And God is saying to thisobstinate people listen, I am
here, I am pursuing you Now as ahusband.
You might be able to relate,but according to Ephesians 5.25,
we're commanded to love ourwives, and this doesn't mean
that we're just reactive whenthey're upset in order to make
(19:23):
them happy.
This gets kind of confusing forsome guys, especially when
giving her her preference won'tresult in what's most
God-honoring.
God's love is big picture, it'sall-encompassing.
We choose the losing side of acontest every time when we
knowingly pander to the demandswhich will have short-term
(19:45):
payoffs in our home.
At best Is she running aroundthe house on a rampage because
it's a mess?
Well, loving her means pullingher aside, admonishing her,
helping her to see what are theprinciples that should be ruling
your house.
It means showing her how torepent and get right before God
and potentially to the rest ofthe family if her agenda has
(20:07):
been her.
And then it means and don'tmiss this, guys and then it
means taking on her causes, notfrom a position of fear, but
from a position of passionateservice.
The primary problem in marriageisn't this overwhelming
leadership on the part of women,it's in the lack of leadership
(20:28):
in the men.
Guys, we've got to stop tryingto force our wife to be the
leader because you lackinitiative or you lack
self-discipline.
God has given you a charge andthe ability to follow it through
, and there's consequences whenyou don't Hear me.
Your wife wants you to take thelead.
She's looking for a man who isstrong enough to follow God's
(20:52):
word about the most importantthings.
She's looking for a man who'saware enough of his family's
purpose to set a direction forthat family and keep everyone
moving forward.
There are some very practicalways that a husband can do just
that.
Proverbs 20, verse 5, says thepurpose in a man's heart is like
deep water, but a man ofunderstanding will draw it out.
(21:16):
Asking your wife thoseintentional questions is a way
that you can learn about thestate of her soul.
Questions like how are youencouraged in your faith and
life right now.
How are you discouraged inthose things?
How can I pray for you?
Second, obviously, is aboutserving your wife.
We've been talking about that.
(21:36):
What can I do today to makeyour life easier?
Maybe it's things like doingthe laundry or washing the
dishes or taking the kids toschool.
Jesus gives this example inMark 10, verse 45, when he says
hey, I didn't come to be served,but to serve.
Next, make time for your wifeand your marriage.
(21:58):
If you don't make time for yourmarriage, you're not going to
have time for your marriage.
Life is busy and we must bevery intentional about
prioritizing the health of ourmarriage.
That means there needs to besome regular cadence to things.
I would encourage you to makesure that every day, you take
time to pray with your wife andyour children.
(22:20):
I would encourage you to try toget away on a date every week
or every other week to go onsome sort of quarterly escape
with each other, an overnighter,and just make sure that you
have regular touch points withyour wife.
Next, I think we've got to bereally good at what the Apostle
Peter tells us, as husbands, todo, to live with our wives in an
understanding way, and one ofthe ways that we can do this is
(22:43):
by studying them, knowing theirheart.
As well as we know anythingabout our favorite sports teams
or our job or industry, we needto understand what our wife
likes, what she dislikes, whather dreams are.
If you don't know these things,it's time for an intentional
conversation, and this isn'tsomething that stays the same.
Listen more than you talk inthose kinds of conversations and
(23:05):
do it often and in closing.
Proverbs 5, 19 is just one of myfavorite verses on marriage.
It says be intoxicated alwaysin her love.
The point is that a man is tobe crazy in love with his wife.
How do you keep your wife outof the demand cycle?
(23:26):
We'll remind her often whyyou're in love with her.
Write her a card.
Put it on a sticky note on themirror in the bathroom.
Make sure you affirm her beforeothers.
Esteem her in the presence ofanyone that you are around.
Surprise her with acts ofkindness.
Don't make her come to youbegging for them.
Take the kids.
Send her out with some friendsfor the night.
(23:47):
Encourage her with how you seegod at work in her life and
periodically take her on a date,slowly and specifically telling
her how you see her growing inher faith.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:24):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:47):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
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