May 26, 2025 • 24 mins
How to Revitalize Your Marriage :: [Ep. 270]
In this week's episode we are exploring the concept of powerful pursuit in marriage, moving beyond the roommate mode to intentionally chasing after our spouse's heart with Christ-like love and passion.
We will be hitting the following:
• Breaking out of the "roommate mode" that many couples fall into during challenging seasons
• Shifting from being critical observers to becoming rescuers in our marriage relationship
• Understanding that true pursuit must be motivated by Christ's example of relentless love
• Recognizing that God uses us as tools in our spouse's life to display His pursuit of them
• Identifying where and when our spouse needs us to pursue them most effectively
• Confronting self-focus and fear as primary obstacles to powerful pursuit
• Embracing obstacles as opportunities to demonstrate commitment rather than excuses to give up
We hope you will join us and be encouraged and helped in better loving your spouse!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
And, like you, we have made vows to keep.
Today we're taking off in a newdirection, looking at powerful
pursuit.
All of us have had a prettylong stretch together at home,
sometimes with our kids workingfrom home together on their
schoolwork.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Under the same roof a lot.
It's been an interesting season, definitely at home, sometimes
with our kids working from hometogether on their schoolwork,
under the same roof.
A lot.
It's been an interesting season, definitely.
We are.
I think in some ways may haveshifted a little bit more toward
the co-worker that I just sayhi to as we're getting ready for
work in the morning Like hey,what's your plans for today?
And just kind of making sureour schedules line up.
But I think we're sort ofmissing the heart of one another
(01:06):
in this.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Yeah, we get to where we're kind of going through the
motions.
We're not at odds, but thingsare a little flat.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
It's a good way to put it.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
And this season has been limiting, we can't go on
some of the kinds of dates thatwe would normally go on.
And well, I guess I have topoint out one time, though,
where I was really superinspired, and you will remember
this as I tell it to you becauseI was so excited to be
preparing a date night at ourhouse.
Now, to pull this date night off, I actually engaged our kids a
(01:38):
little bit.
I need your help.
We're going to be sweeping outthe garage, we're going to be
cleaning out the car, and I comeout and I set our TV on the
hood of our car.
So I text my wife and I waslike listen, you want to go on a
date.
You remember this?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
night.
Yes, and of course I knewnothing about the garage
situation.
I thought he was taking me out.
So I did.
I put on a nice white dress and, I think, this jean jacket, and
I had a purse over the shoulderbecause I was ready to go
wherever we were going.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I put on my suit coat so I had made dinner, which I
think you maybe thought was likefor the kids, but it was
actually for all of us.
And then at the end of it, wewalked out and got in the car.
We're gonna have a drive-inmovie theater in our garage.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
I felt moved because I knew that it had taken you
some time and planning andthought and there was a lot of
love that went into that.
So even though we didn't goanywhere, I didn't even care
about that.
All I cared about was that Ifelt really pursued by you.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
So this sounds really rosy, doesn't it?
Except when I point out thislittle timeline glitch to our
story.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
It's a little bit of a glitch.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
That date night was in March, Boy.
By about September we werefighting that roommate mode,
kind of going through themotions.
Yes, the way that I want to setup for an analogy comes from
driving to school with my kids.
We're following this semi-truckwho is literally wandering all
over the road.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
This is just today right.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Couldn't keep the truck intheir own lane?
Hardly.
I am someone who's going thesame direction as the semi-truck
.
We're on the same road, we'redoing the same basic things.
Webster's Dictionary definespursuit as the action of
following someone.
For some of us, we hear thatconcept of following someone and
(03:28):
we think, listen, I have beenwatching my spouse and, quite
frankly, I don't like everythingI see.
In fact, I'm a littledissatisfied with a few things
right now.
But too often in our marriagewe're someone who's kind of
limited our responsibility tosomeone who is simply an
observer.
Now contrast this to what Ihoped was going to happen, which
(03:48):
was there'd be some highwaypatrolman on the side of the
road who would take this all inand be like I'm pulling that
person over, sirens blaring.
That's what I was hoping wasgoing to happen.
How many of us inside ourmarriages see ourselves as the
highway patrolman too, someonewho's there to say listen, you
are offending me and you need tochange.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
And now, and our sirens are the way that we sigh
and the way that we express ourdissatisfaction with the way our
spouse is behaving.
I see you're about to cause awreck.
It's going to hurt me, so I'mpulling you over.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
The kind of person we're talking about today is
more like the ambulance driver.
This is someone who alsoobserves where things are going
off the rails, where there'sdisaster about to strike or
maybe has struck already, butthey are there not to enforce
their rules.
They're there to rescue.
They're there to aid.
When there's a disaster, theyaggressively go wherever this
(04:47):
person has gone, to show themthat they're not alone, and not
to enable them to do the wrongthing, but to provide aid and to
rescue wherever they are.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I'm going to flip that just a little bit.
We work with a lot of coupleswho we see in this position, we
see making the kind of decisionwe're gonna talk about this a
little bit later on that pursuesno matter what, and there's
some powerful examples coming upin this broadcast.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Pursuing means that we're chasing after.
Maybe it's better thought oflike hunting.
It's having a very specificgoal in mind and then being very
intent to make sure that youget there.
I'm reminded of when I used torace stock cars If there was
someone in front of me, nomatter what I had to do to get
around them for people.
I know that work in sales, whenthey're going to close the big
(05:33):
contract, they are focused.
What this means is that I amexerting energy as the pursuer
in hopes of closing andachieving whatever it is that I
desire.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
And that's exactly what we're going to be talking
about in today's broadcast as wego forward in this series
Powerful Pursuit.
Who are we pursuing?
What are we pursuing?
How does it happen?
What gets in our way?
When do we do it?
How do we even know it's theright time to pursue?
And the most important question, why we have to start with this
one, because otherwise all theother ones fall short.
(06:06):
There's a why to everything wedo, David, even starting with
why did we get up today?
Why did we get up this morning?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
For a lot of us it's things like I got to go take the
dog for a walk, or I got totake my kids to school, or I
need to get up so I can go to myjob, and that's really
answering with not why, butrather what we're doing.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Many days, what gets me out of bed is what I think is
going to make me happy.
It's a lot of timesself-serving, and it's a lot of
times not that we're doing thewrong things.
We need to go to work that day,we need to go get groceries,
but sometimes it's done with thewrong motivation.
So if you're answering your why, you get up in the morning with
a what?
Let that be a red flag that youmight need to reconsider your
(06:51):
why and it's the same thing whenit comes to why should we
pursue our spouse?
Speaker 3 (06:56):
So many of us pursued our spouse because we wanted
this amazing woman to marry me.
Once I got what I wanted thering on her finger the I do's
were said.
So I'm not sure that I reallyneed to pursue them anymore.
Or there's those seasons whereI really want something.
Gosh, I'm going to work reallyhard to get their approval.
I'm going to work really hardto pursue them so that they'll
(07:18):
cave.
They'll go with what I wantthem to go with.
Others would say sometimes Iwant to pursue my spouse because
I just wish they would pursueme back.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I know I've done that .
David Pursued you hoping thatyou would pursue me.
Maybe I felt empty in that wayand it doesn't always work, but
that doesn't mean it stops youfrom trying.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
For some, the answer to why actually can't be
answered, and so they just don'tpursue.
In those situations, sadly, toooften our why is actually about
ourselves rather than ourspouse, and soon I run out of
(07:59):
ideas, I run out of romance, Irun out of reasons to pursue you
.
I've lost the passion of reallyunderstanding what my spouse
needs.
I've lost the desire and thedrive to even meet their needs,
to look for how I can be aconduit of God's love in their
life.
If this is you, stick around.
We hope today will be a pointof pivot for you.
We've got to answer thequestion of why to pursue, not
with a what, but with a who.
(08:21):
Tracy Jesus is not only the whowe've got to be pursuing but
the example of why we should bein pursuit to begin with.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
This reminds me of a couple that we were meeting with
who was having somedifficulties with one of their
children.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
The wife had commented on the fact that she
had had this thought in the heatof the battle.
God, how can I love this kid?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
We've all thought that.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Right.
We've been in that position andGod spoke so clearly to her
heart because I loved you, evenwhen you didn't deserve it In
every Vows to Keep radiobroadcast.
We want to come back to thegospel.
That is the hope, that is theonly deliverance we have, and in
every counseling session with ahurting couple, we review that
same truth what did Jesus do forus?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
And in David and I's everyday life and our everyday
marriage, we get off course,just like you do, and when we do
, we go back to the cross.
We remember where we were whenChrist found us.
I think it's so powerful toremember and to recognize where
we are now because of Christ'ssacrifice.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
We serve a God who pursues us.
He exerts the extra effort onour behalf.
We can cry out with thepsalmist for troubles without
number surround me.
My sins have overtaken me and Icannot see.
There are more than the hairson my head, and my heart fails
within me.
Be pleased to save me, Lord.
Come quickly, Lord, to help me.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
David's reading from Psalm, chapter 40, and I can so
relate with that guy who neededa rescuer.
The psalmist in the samechapter says okay, I cried out
to him and he turned to me.
He heard me, he lifted me outof the slimy pit.
And that's a lot of times wherewe find ourselves without God.
We're in the mud and the mire.
(10:03):
He draws us out, he sets ourfeet on a rock.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
There is simply nothing that you can do that
would prevent God from having alove so deep to pursue you, and
there's nothing your spouse cando that should keep you from
pursuing them.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
There's a really powerful example of someone that
we know in our lives thatrecently had some sexual sin
that looked like it might splittheir marriage.
And many would think, hey, whenthat happens, you guys just
need to separate.
You guys need to maybe be inseparate houses, separate beds,
for sure.
But here's how the one spouseresponded to the other Not only
(10:40):
do I want you in the housetonight, after this has been
brought out to the light, I wantyou here, I want to hold you
while you fall asleep.
That is pursuit.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
That's a love that says no boundaries will prevent
my affections for you, and thatincludes anything that you can
do that might try to push meaway.
Jesus knew our greatest needand he let nothing stand in the
way of providing it for us.
That is the kind of pursuitthat we're talking about today.
God uses us in our spouse'slife to show them his pursuit of
(11:14):
them.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
David and I can both attest to this.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Maybe me more than you, David.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
I would not be who I am today without the love that
this man gives to me and theservice that he does for me, and
sometimes the hardconversations that he sits me
down and says, hey, we need toaddress this.
I don't even want to thinkabout what I would look like
without God's love being pouredout, through David, into my life
.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Ditto baby.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Thank you.
You've taught me, david, aboutforgiveness and no, you're not
like giving me a sermon.
I mean, I've watched youforgive even when it's hard, and
I've especially, I think,learned about God's grace and
what it looks like, because justtwo days ago you prayed with me
when I was crying from being sooverwhelmed.
I'm going to cry right now justthinking about it.
And just a few weeks ago, hehad to dole grace out to me in a
(12:03):
really great measure, shall wesay, as I was crying in the
middle of a lake in a kayak, andhe did all of this with such
love that I knew it was genuine.
God uses us in our spouses'lives.
Don't ever downplay that.
You are a tool in God's hands.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Once you know why you pursue, you'll know what to
pursue.
Now, in a broadcast aboutPowerful Pursuit written by two
marriage counselors, you'd thinkthe obvious answer would be duh
, my spouse right.
Right.
But here's the thing If I'm inpursuit of my spouse, I want to
tell you things can go sidewaysso quickly and they will.
(12:40):
So how about you?
What was the last thing thatyou did for your spouse?
Maybe having the best ofintentions, but you
retrospectively look back andrealize it just did not have the
effect that you had hoped itwould.
Because our spouses felt needsare fickle and so are your own.
It's not wrong to want to meettheir needs, but by pursuing
(13:02):
God's blessing in their life andby being that tool in his hand,
we provide things that are muchmore meaningful than just the
surface stuff that might bevisible in their own eyes.
Here's the punchline of whatwe're saying.
The what of pursuing inmarriage isn't actually our
spouse's happiness, and thatsounds crazy.
God wants the best for yourspouse.
(13:23):
He has an even deeper love foryour spouse than you possibly
can, and when you trust him withthat and when you put yourself
in a position where you're justbeing faithful and obedient to
him, trust me, it's going to bethe absolute best for your
spouse.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I want you to think of a time right now when someone
, maybe even your spouse, wasgenerous to you, and maybe even
in a time when you didn'tdeserve it, because we notice
generosity the most when wethink we deserve it the least,
and that is your job with yourspouse to show God's generous
heart for them.
That is pursuit.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
Have you ever wondered what does a marriage
look like when just one personis doing the pursuing, if you
will, of the other?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
And maybe you know exactly what that looks like,
because that's your marriagetoday.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Yeah, Some people are so discouraged to be in that
position.
But you know what the coolthing is you can stand confident
before the Lord, even if thatis your position.
But imagine what does it looklike when both are in the
pursuit of the best for theother.
Let me tell you, it looks justlike God intended marriage to be
.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
So we know we spent quite a few minutes on the why,
but that's because it's soimportant.
But there's some otherquestions we want to answer when
it comes to powerful pursuit,and the next one is when?
How do we discover when Godwants us to pursue our spouse?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Husbands, I want to encourage you to learn how to
read your spouse to be someonewho is the watchman over your
family, because to be theshepherd over your household,
that means that you need to knowwhere your sheep are, not just
physically, but emotionally andspiritually, and even where the
enemy lies in wait, looking onhow to take advantage of them.
(15:02):
Jesus says this I am the goodshepherd.
The good shepherd lays down hislife for the sheep in John,
chapter 10.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
It's interesting to note that sometimes your spouse
isn't going to want you topursue them when they need it
the most.
You've probably been in thesame position yourself, wanting
to be in the quote unquoteguilt-free freedom of isolation,
but it's not a place thatdelivers what it promises.
We encourage you to pursue yourspouse anyway, even if it might
(15:34):
make them uncomfortable.
Even if it might make youuncomfortable, you are shooting
for their deepest need.
Go for the heart every singletime.
The next who, what, when, where, how and why question is the
where question.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
Where do you need to pursue them?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
And, ironically, the best way to find out is to ask.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
How would your spouse answer that?
They might initially say thingslike gosh, I'd really love it
if you'd take me on more dates.
That's something we're going tobe doing right after we get out
of the studio.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Yes, we are.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Maybe it's checking a few things off the honeydew
list or faithfully just tuckingin our kids into bed every night
.
No-transcript.
Focus on where you are notpursuing them.
And yeah, this may go back tosome of those surface needs,
(16:25):
right?
Oh, he needs his lunch maybebefore he goes to work, or she
wants the kitchen garbage hauledout without asking.
But where their actual needmight be things like stepping
into parent when your wife isreally struggling and
overwhelmed with a kid that'sgiving a lot of flack.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
They might need physical touch, that sexual
pursuit.
Husbands need that deeply.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Wives need that listening ear where you put down
your phone and you engage withyour bride in conversation.
And I'm talking about aconversation where you ask
questions, meaningful questions.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Trust me, it is very, very powerful, as is quality
time just talking about what isburdening her heart the most,
and especially praying throughthose answers together.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Powerful pursuit comes in living and
understanding with each other,believing the best about each
other, working always towardforgiveness and intentionally
loving even at those pointswhere it feels like the most
unnatural response.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
We've got two more questions to answer as we start
to wrap up Vows to Keep Radiotoday, and the next one is so
why don't we do these things?
We answer that with another.
What question?
What stops us from pursuing?
Do I just naively live inconfidence, sometimes with my
spouse, that, hey, you'reobligated to me biblically to
stay married to me, so I reallydon't need to do anything?
(17:41):
That is a really easy defaultstance to take and I think we
are all guilty of that.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Yeah, because it doesn't require any energy
really being expended towardyour spouse.
But the reality is you areexpending energy somewhere.
Listen to this it is true thatwhat you pursue consumes you.
Let me say that again.
What you pursue consumes you.
Let me say that again what youpursue does consume you and
(18:07):
friends, you're always pursuingsomething.
What you pursue is what getsyou out of bed in the morning.
It consumes most of yourthought life.
You're going to begin to seethat decisions are made in
relation to your desire insteadof your circumstance.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
There's one thing that consumes many of us.
It's what motivates ourdecisions, whether we realize it
or not, and it's not easy tohear or to talk about, but it's
true.
A lot of the time what I'mpursuing is me, and that takes
on a lot of different forms.
Sometimes it looks like thisI'm so tired, I'm so maxed out.
Most of the time, if I haveeven a second to myself, I've
(18:44):
earned it, I need it and I don'twant to give it away to someone
else, especially someone likemy husband, sometimes I've
determined doesn't deserve apiece of me.
The bottom line to thatstatement is my pursuit is me.
I'm concerned with my comfort,my success, dreams, desires, my
personal goals, my satisfaction.
If you wonder how you canrecognize this pitfall in your
(19:07):
life, if you're wondering ifyou're focused on the wrong
thing, think about this when Idon't have what it takes to
pursue the Lord, when I don'thave what it takes to pursue the
priorities that he's asked ofme, that's when my focus is most
likely in pursuit of me.
If we haven't been pursuing ourspouse, how, how can we start
(19:28):
to do this once again?
Speaker 3 (19:31):
First of all, you've got to seek forgiveness.
You've got to repent foranything that stands between you
and God and anything thatstands between you and your wife
.
Next, you need to giveforgiveness, Even if she's not
coming to you or he's not comingto you asking for it.
Give forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Because if either of those things are in the way,
pursuit will not happen.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Yeah, it'll be hollow at best and short-lived.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Another obstacle, I think, that stands in our way of
pursuing David is fear of nothaving enough resources.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yeah, the power of pursuit requires a lot of
resources.
To better understand this,let's look at Proverbs 28.
It says those who work theirland will have an abundant food,
but those who chase fantasieswill have their fill of poverty.
This verse points out that itis our responsibility to till
(20:27):
our own land, to tend to our ownmarriage, and that land, that
marriage, will supply our needswhen we are attentive to it.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
And God is going to supply what you need in
abundance.
That's what we read in Proverbs28 that David just read, but I
think we fear being emptied andhaving nothing left.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
And when you've been in powerful pursuit of your
spouse and you're actually inthat position where you're empty
.
Honestly, it's one of the mostfulfilling times of my life.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Because truly you're not empty.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
God fills you up to pour out again.
That's right.
That's God's economy rightthere.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
Totally is.
One of the commonalitiesinvolved in every pursuit is
that there will be obstacles,and obstacles reveal just how
bad you really want something.
What's the price that you'rewilling to pay?
How far will we go to showChrist's love?
Will we let ourselves beinconvenienced?
(21:22):
Obstacles may slow you down.
It may force us to examine ourmotives and hopefully makes us
realize that it's worth it topush through.
Here's the scary part.
When we see our spouse as anobstacle, it's time to ask the
question what am I doing, anddoes it take biblical priority
(21:42):
over our spouse?
There's always an answer tothat, you know, not one that's
easy to receive.
Obstacles remind us that thethings that really matter in
life don't change, no matterwhat barrier is presented.
Sometimes we need to run into awall just to figure that out
again.
Obstacles should be accepted aspart of the marriage journey,
(22:04):
but certainly not the end of it.
Don't let the brick wall thatyou just ran into cause you to
fall flat for each other.
Let it become your point of noreturn.
How we pursue each other inspite of obstacles is what
determines whether we're goingto become bitter or better,
whether we're going to stay oneor eventually become two again.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
In conclusion, today, on Vows to Keep Radio, your
spouse can feel unwanted simplybecause they're not sought after
.
Jesus has passionately pursuedme and you, even though I came
with a lifetime of sin.
The cross shows his love, andthis is what love is.
Love is passionate pursuit.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
it's the extra effort , not just a flailing,
occasional chase a man whochases a woman, sees her worth,
a man who pursues her worth.
And also oh wait, that doesn'tread right a man who pursues
sees her worth okay.
A man who chases a woman seesher worth.
A man who pursues her worth ohdang it.
A man who chases a woman seesher worth.
A man who pursues her worth, ohdang it.
(23:06):
A man who pursues sees herworth and also knows his own.
A consequence of an emotionallyabsent husband is a deep desire
within his wife to be foughtfor.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I learned that a consequence of a distracted wife
, a wife not in pursuit, is ahusband with a deep sexual
disappointment and desire to becaptivating to her like he once
was.
Tell your spouse today, showyour spouse today that you don't
have a love based onconvenience or ease or a pursuit
.
That only happens when all thestars align.
Tell him that it's your desireto be in powerful pursuit of him
(23:43):
, not distracted by theobstacles.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Be willing now to be more extreme in your love than
ever before, giving God'sgenerous best for your spouse's
benefit.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
(24:21):
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:46):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
And, like you, we have made vows to keep.
Today we're taking off in a newdirection, looking at powerful
pursuit.
All of us have had a prettylong stretch together at home,
sometimes with our kids workingfrom home together on their
schoolwork.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Under the same roof a lot.
It's been an interesting season, definitely at home, sometimes
with our kids working from hometogether on their schoolwork,
under the same roof.
A lot.
It's been an interesting season, definitely.
We are.
I think in some ways may haveshifted a little bit more toward
the co-worker that I just sayhi to as we're getting ready for
work in the morning Like hey,what's your plans for today?
And just kind of making sureour schedules line up.
But I think we're sort ofmissing the heart of one another
(01:06):
in this.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Yeah, we get to where we're kind of going through the
motions.
We're not at odds, but thingsare a little flat.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
It's a good way to put it.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
And this season has been limiting, we can't go on
some of the kinds of dates thatwe would normally go on.
And well, I guess I have topoint out one time, though,
where I was really superinspired, and you will remember
this as I tell it to you becauseI was so excited to be
preparing a date night at ourhouse.
Now, to pull this date night off, I actually engaged our kids a
(01:38):
little bit.
I need your help.
We're going to be sweeping outthe garage, we're going to be
cleaning out the car, and I comeout and I set our TV on the
hood of our car.
So I text my wife and I waslike listen, you want to go on a
date.
You remember this?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
night.
Yes, and of course I knewnothing about the garage
situation.
I thought he was taking me out.
So I did.
I put on a nice white dress and, I think, this jean jacket, and
I had a purse over the shoulderbecause I was ready to go
wherever we were going.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I put on my suit coat so I had made dinner, which I
think you maybe thought was likefor the kids, but it was
actually for all of us.
And then at the end of it, wewalked out and got in the car.
We're gonna have a drive-inmovie theater in our garage.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
I felt moved because I knew that it had taken you
some time and planning andthought and there was a lot of
love that went into that.
So even though we didn't goanywhere, I didn't even care
about that.
All I cared about was that Ifelt really pursued by you.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
So this sounds really rosy, doesn't it?
Except when I point out thislittle timeline glitch to our
story.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
It's a little bit of a glitch.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
That date night was in March, Boy.
By about September we werefighting that roommate mode,
kind of going through themotions.
Yes, the way that I want to setup for an analogy comes from
driving to school with my kids.
We're following this semi-truckwho is literally wandering all
over the road.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
This is just today right.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Couldn't keep the truck intheir own lane?
Hardly.
I am someone who's going thesame direction as the semi-truck
.
We're on the same road, we'redoing the same basic things.
Webster's Dictionary definespursuit as the action of
following someone.
For some of us, we hear thatconcept of following someone and
(03:28):
we think, listen, I have beenwatching my spouse and, quite
frankly, I don't like everythingI see.
In fact, I'm a littledissatisfied with a few things
right now.
But too often in our marriagewe're someone who's kind of
limited our responsibility tosomeone who is simply an
observer.
Now contrast this to what Ihoped was going to happen, which
(03:48):
was there'd be some highwaypatrolman on the side of the
road who would take this all inand be like I'm pulling that
person over, sirens blaring.
That's what I was hoping wasgoing to happen.
How many of us inside ourmarriages see ourselves as the
highway patrolman too, someonewho's there to say listen, you
are offending me and you need tochange.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
And now, and our sirens are the way that we sigh
and the way that we express ourdissatisfaction with the way our
spouse is behaving.
I see you're about to cause awreck.
It's going to hurt me, so I'mpulling you over.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
The kind of person we're talking about today is
more like the ambulance driver.
This is someone who alsoobserves where things are going
off the rails, where there'sdisaster about to strike or
maybe has struck already, butthey are there not to enforce
their rules.
They're there to rescue.
They're there to aid.
When there's a disaster, theyaggressively go wherever this
(04:47):
person has gone, to show themthat they're not alone, and not
to enable them to do the wrongthing, but to provide aid and to
rescue wherever they are.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I'm going to flip that just a little bit.
We work with a lot of coupleswho we see in this position, we
see making the kind of decisionwe're gonna talk about this a
little bit later on that pursuesno matter what, and there's
some powerful examples coming upin this broadcast.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Pursuing means that we're chasing after.
Maybe it's better thought oflike hunting.
It's having a very specificgoal in mind and then being very
intent to make sure that youget there.
I'm reminded of when I used torace stock cars If there was
someone in front of me, nomatter what I had to do to get
around them for people.
I know that work in sales, whenthey're going to close the big
(05:33):
contract, they are focused.
What this means is that I amexerting energy as the pursuer
in hopes of closing andachieving whatever it is that I
desire.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
And that's exactly what we're going to be talking
about in today's broadcast as wego forward in this series
Powerful Pursuit.
Who are we pursuing?
What are we pursuing?
How does it happen?
What gets in our way?
When do we do it?
How do we even know it's theright time to pursue?
And the most important question, why we have to start with this
one, because otherwise all theother ones fall short.
(06:06):
There's a why to everything wedo, David, even starting with
why did we get up today?
Why did we get up this morning?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
For a lot of us it's things like I got to go take the
dog for a walk, or I got totake my kids to school, or I
need to get up so I can go to myjob, and that's really
answering with not why, butrather what we're doing.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Many days, what gets me out of bed is what I think is
going to make me happy.
It's a lot of timesself-serving, and it's a lot of
times not that we're doing thewrong things.
We need to go to work that day,we need to go get groceries,
but sometimes it's done with thewrong motivation.
So if you're answering your why, you get up in the morning with
a what?
Let that be a red flag that youmight need to reconsider your
(06:51):
why and it's the same thing whenit comes to why should we
pursue our spouse?
Speaker 3 (06:56):
So many of us pursued our spouse because we wanted
this amazing woman to marry me.
Once I got what I wanted thering on her finger the I do's
were said.
So I'm not sure that I reallyneed to pursue them anymore.
Or there's those seasons whereI really want something.
Gosh, I'm going to work reallyhard to get their approval.
I'm going to work really hardto pursue them so that they'll
(07:18):
cave.
They'll go with what I wantthem to go with.
Others would say sometimes Iwant to pursue my spouse because
I just wish they would pursueme back.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I know I've done that .
David Pursued you hoping thatyou would pursue me.
Maybe I felt empty in that wayand it doesn't always work, but
that doesn't mean it stops youfrom trying.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
For some, the answer to why actually can't be
answered, and so they just don'tpursue.
In those situations, sadly, toooften our why is actually about
ourselves rather than ourspouse, and soon I run out of
(07:59):
ideas, I run out of romance, Irun out of reasons to pursue you
.
I've lost the passion of reallyunderstanding what my spouse
needs.
I've lost the desire and thedrive to even meet their needs,
to look for how I can be aconduit of God's love in their
life.
If this is you, stick around.
We hope today will be a pointof pivot for you.
We've got to answer thequestion of why to pursue, not
with a what, but with a who.
(08:21):
Tracy Jesus is not only the whowe've got to be pursuing but
the example of why we should bein pursuit to begin with.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
This reminds me of a couple that we were meeting with
who was having somedifficulties with one of their
children.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
The wife had commented on the fact that she
had had this thought in the heatof the battle.
God, how can I love this kid?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
We've all thought that.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Right.
We've been in that position andGod spoke so clearly to her
heart because I loved you, evenwhen you didn't deserve it In
every Vows to Keep radiobroadcast.
We want to come back to thegospel.
That is the hope, that is theonly deliverance we have, and in
every counseling session with ahurting couple, we review that
same truth what did Jesus do forus?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
And in David and I's everyday life and our everyday
marriage, we get off course,just like you do, and when we do
, we go back to the cross.
We remember where we were whenChrist found us.
I think it's so powerful toremember and to recognize where
we are now because of Christ'ssacrifice.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
We serve a God who pursues us.
He exerts the extra effort onour behalf.
We can cry out with thepsalmist for troubles without
number surround me.
My sins have overtaken me and Icannot see.
There are more than the hairson my head, and my heart fails
within me.
Be pleased to save me, Lord.
Come quickly, Lord, to help me.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
David's reading from Psalm, chapter 40, and I can so
relate with that guy who neededa rescuer.
The psalmist in the samechapter says okay, I cried out
to him and he turned to me.
He heard me, he lifted me outof the slimy pit.
And that's a lot of times wherewe find ourselves without God.
We're in the mud and the mire.
(10:03):
He draws us out, he sets ourfeet on a rock.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
There is simply nothing that you can do that
would prevent God from having alove so deep to pursue you, and
there's nothing your spouse cando that should keep you from
pursuing them.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
There's a really powerful example of someone that
we know in our lives thatrecently had some sexual sin
that looked like it might splittheir marriage.
And many would think, hey, whenthat happens, you guys just
need to separate.
You guys need to maybe be inseparate houses, separate beds,
for sure.
But here's how the one spouseresponded to the other Not only
(10:40):
do I want you in the housetonight, after this has been
brought out to the light, I wantyou here, I want to hold you
while you fall asleep.
That is pursuit.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
That's a love that says no boundaries will prevent
my affections for you, and thatincludes anything that you can
do that might try to push meaway.
Jesus knew our greatest needand he let nothing stand in the
way of providing it for us.
That is the kind of pursuitthat we're talking about today.
God uses us in our spouse'slife to show them his pursuit of
(11:14):
them.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
David and I can both attest to this.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Maybe me more than you, David.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
I would not be who I am today without the love that
this man gives to me and theservice that he does for me, and
sometimes the hardconversations that he sits me
down and says, hey, we need toaddress this.
I don't even want to thinkabout what I would look like
without God's love being pouredout, through David, into my life
.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Ditto baby.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Thank you.
You've taught me, david, aboutforgiveness and no, you're not
like giving me a sermon.
I mean, I've watched youforgive even when it's hard, and
I've especially, I think,learned about God's grace and
what it looks like, because justtwo days ago you prayed with me
when I was crying from being sooverwhelmed.
I'm going to cry right now justthinking about it.
And just a few weeks ago, hehad to dole grace out to me in a
(12:03):
really great measure, shall wesay, as I was crying in the
middle of a lake in a kayak, andhe did all of this with such
love that I knew it was genuine.
God uses us in our spouses'lives.
Don't ever downplay that.
You are a tool in God's hands.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Once you know why you pursue, you'll know what to
pursue.
Now, in a broadcast aboutPowerful Pursuit written by two
marriage counselors, you'd thinkthe obvious answer would be duh
, my spouse right.
Right.
But here's the thing If I'm inpursuit of my spouse, I want to
tell you things can go sidewaysso quickly and they will.
(12:40):
So how about you?
What was the last thing thatyou did for your spouse?
Maybe having the best ofintentions, but you
retrospectively look back andrealize it just did not have the
effect that you had hoped itwould.
Because our spouses felt needsare fickle and so are your own.
It's not wrong to want to meettheir needs, but by pursuing
(13:02):
God's blessing in their life andby being that tool in his hand,
we provide things that are muchmore meaningful than just the
surface stuff that might bevisible in their own eyes.
Here's the punchline of whatwe're saying.
The what of pursuing inmarriage isn't actually our
spouse's happiness, and thatsounds crazy.
God wants the best for yourspouse.
(13:23):
He has an even deeper love foryour spouse than you possibly
can, and when you trust him withthat and when you put yourself
in a position where you're justbeing faithful and obedient to
him, trust me, it's going to bethe absolute best for your
spouse.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I want you to think of a time right now when someone
, maybe even your spouse, wasgenerous to you, and maybe even
in a time when you didn'tdeserve it, because we notice
generosity the most when wethink we deserve it the least,
and that is your job with yourspouse to show God's generous
heart for them.
That is pursuit.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
Have you ever wondered what does a marriage
look like when just one personis doing the pursuing, if you
will, of the other?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
And maybe you know exactly what that looks like,
because that's your marriagetoday.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Yeah, Some people are so discouraged to be in that
position.
But you know what the coolthing is you can stand confident
before the Lord, even if thatis your position.
But imagine what does it looklike when both are in the
pursuit of the best for theother.
Let me tell you, it looks justlike God intended marriage to be
.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
So we know we spent quite a few minutes on the why,
but that's because it's soimportant.
But there's some otherquestions we want to answer when
it comes to powerful pursuit,and the next one is when?
How do we discover when Godwants us to pursue our spouse?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Husbands, I want to encourage you to learn how to
read your spouse to be someonewho is the watchman over your
family, because to be theshepherd over your household,
that means that you need to knowwhere your sheep are, not just
physically, but emotionally andspiritually, and even where the
enemy lies in wait, looking onhow to take advantage of them.
(15:02):
Jesus says this I am the goodshepherd.
The good shepherd lays down hislife for the sheep in John,
chapter 10.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
It's interesting to note that sometimes your spouse
isn't going to want you topursue them when they need it
the most.
You've probably been in thesame position yourself, wanting
to be in the quote unquoteguilt-free freedom of isolation,
but it's not a place thatdelivers what it promises.
We encourage you to pursue yourspouse anyway, even if it might
(15:34):
make them uncomfortable.
Even if it might make youuncomfortable, you are shooting
for their deepest need.
Go for the heart every singletime.
The next who, what, when, where, how and why question is the
where question.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
Where do you need to pursue them?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
And, ironically, the best way to find out is to ask.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
How would your spouse answer that?
They might initially say thingslike gosh, I'd really love it
if you'd take me on more dates.
That's something we're going tobe doing right after we get out
of the studio.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Yes, we are.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Maybe it's checking a few things off the honeydew
list or faithfully just tuckingin our kids into bed every night
.
No-transcript.
Focus on where you are notpursuing them.
And yeah, this may go back tosome of those surface needs,
(16:25):
right?
Oh, he needs his lunch maybebefore he goes to work, or she
wants the kitchen garbage hauledout without asking.
But where their actual needmight be things like stepping
into parent when your wife isreally struggling and
overwhelmed with a kid that'sgiving a lot of flack.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
They might need physical touch, that sexual
pursuit.
Husbands need that deeply.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Wives need that listening ear where you put down
your phone and you engage withyour bride in conversation.
And I'm talking about aconversation where you ask
questions, meaningful questions.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Trust me, it is very, very powerful, as is quality
time just talking about what isburdening her heart the most,
and especially praying throughthose answers together.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Powerful pursuit comes in living and
understanding with each other,believing the best about each
other, working always towardforgiveness and intentionally
loving even at those pointswhere it feels like the most
unnatural response.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
We've got two more questions to answer as we start
to wrap up Vows to Keep Radiotoday, and the next one is so
why don't we do these things?
We answer that with another.
What question?
What stops us from pursuing?
Do I just naively live inconfidence, sometimes with my
spouse, that, hey, you'reobligated to me biblically to
stay married to me, so I reallydon't need to do anything?
(17:41):
That is a really easy defaultstance to take and I think we
are all guilty of that.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Yeah, because it doesn't require any energy
really being expended towardyour spouse.
But the reality is you areexpending energy somewhere.
Listen to this it is true thatwhat you pursue consumes you.
Let me say that again.
What you pursue consumes you.
Let me say that again what youpursue does consume you and
(18:07):
friends, you're always pursuingsomething.
What you pursue is what getsyou out of bed in the morning.
It consumes most of yourthought life.
You're going to begin to seethat decisions are made in
relation to your desire insteadof your circumstance.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
There's one thing that consumes many of us.
It's what motivates ourdecisions, whether we realize it
or not, and it's not easy tohear or to talk about, but it's
true.
A lot of the time what I'mpursuing is me, and that takes
on a lot of different forms.
Sometimes it looks like thisI'm so tired, I'm so maxed out.
Most of the time, if I haveeven a second to myself, I've
(18:44):
earned it, I need it and I don'twant to give it away to someone
else, especially someone likemy husband, sometimes I've
determined doesn't deserve apiece of me.
The bottom line to thatstatement is my pursuit is me.
I'm concerned with my comfort,my success, dreams, desires, my
personal goals, my satisfaction.
If you wonder how you canrecognize this pitfall in your
(19:07):
life, if you're wondering ifyou're focused on the wrong
thing, think about this when Idon't have what it takes to
pursue the Lord, when I don'thave what it takes to pursue the
priorities that he's asked ofme, that's when my focus is most
likely in pursuit of me.
If we haven't been pursuing ourspouse, how, how can we start
(19:28):
to do this once again?
Speaker 3 (19:31):
First of all, you've got to seek forgiveness.
You've got to repent foranything that stands between you
and God and anything thatstands between you and your wife
.
Next, you need to giveforgiveness, Even if she's not
coming to you or he's not comingto you asking for it.
Give forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Because if either of those things are in the way,
pursuit will not happen.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Yeah, it'll be hollow at best and short-lived.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Another obstacle, I think, that stands in our way of
pursuing David is fear of nothaving enough resources.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yeah, the power of pursuit requires a lot of
resources.
To better understand this,let's look at Proverbs 28.
It says those who work theirland will have an abundant food,
but those who chase fantasieswill have their fill of poverty.
This verse points out that itis our responsibility to till
(20:27):
our own land, to tend to our ownmarriage, and that land, that
marriage, will supply our needswhen we are attentive to it.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
And God is going to supply what you need in
abundance.
That's what we read in Proverbs28 that David just read, but I
think we fear being emptied andhaving nothing left.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
And when you've been in powerful pursuit of your
spouse and you're actually inthat position where you're empty
.
Honestly, it's one of the mostfulfilling times of my life.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Because truly you're not empty.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
God fills you up to pour out again.
That's right.
That's God's economy rightthere.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
Totally is.
One of the commonalitiesinvolved in every pursuit is
that there will be obstacles,and obstacles reveal just how
bad you really want something.
What's the price that you'rewilling to pay?
How far will we go to showChrist's love?
Will we let ourselves beinconvenienced?
(21:22):
Obstacles may slow you down.
It may force us to examine ourmotives and hopefully makes us
realize that it's worth it topush through.
Here's the scary part.
When we see our spouse as anobstacle, it's time to ask the
question what am I doing, anddoes it take biblical priority
(21:42):
over our spouse?
There's always an answer tothat, you know, not one that's
easy to receive.
Obstacles remind us that thethings that really matter in
life don't change, no matterwhat barrier is presented.
Sometimes we need to run into awall just to figure that out
again.
Obstacles should be accepted aspart of the marriage journey,
(22:04):
but certainly not the end of it.
Don't let the brick wall thatyou just ran into cause you to
fall flat for each other.
Let it become your point of noreturn.
How we pursue each other inspite of obstacles is what
determines whether we're goingto become bitter or better,
whether we're going to stay oneor eventually become two again.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
In conclusion, today, on Vows to Keep Radio, your
spouse can feel unwanted simplybecause they're not sought after
.
Jesus has passionately pursuedme and you, even though I came
with a lifetime of sin.
The cross shows his love, andthis is what love is.
Love is passionate pursuit.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
it's the extra effort , not just a flailing,
occasional chase a man whochases a woman, sees her worth,
a man who pursues her worth.
And also oh wait, that doesn'tread right a man who pursues
sees her worth okay.
A man who chases a woman seesher worth.
A man who pursues her worth ohdang it.
A man who chases a woman seesher worth.
A man who pursues her worth, ohdang it.
(23:06):
A man who pursues sees herworth and also knows his own.
A consequence of an emotionallyabsent husband is a deep desire
within his wife to be foughtfor.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I learned that a consequence of a distracted wife
, a wife not in pursuit, is ahusband with a deep sexual
disappointment and desire to becaptivating to her like he once
was.
Tell your spouse today, showyour spouse today that you don't
have a love based onconvenience or ease or a pursuit
.
That only happens when all thestars align.
Tell him that it's your desireto be in powerful pursuit of him
(23:43):
, not distracted by theobstacles.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Be willing now to be more extreme in your love than
ever before, giving God'sgenerous best for your spouse's
benefit.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
(24:21):
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:46):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
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