December 29, 2025 • 25 mins
When love feels impossible, many of us fly by feelings and hope for the best. We’ve learned the hard way that emotions make for a trapping cockpit, especially in a crisis. So we walk through how to stop flying blind and start flying by instruments: Scripture as your panel, prayer as your checklist, and the fruit of the Spirit as your stabilizer when panic and pain hit. From there, we reframe the aim of marriage itself—moving from the pursuit of personal happiness to God’s purpose of holiness—and show how that shift changes your choices in the toughest moments.
We dig into what it means to become a conduit of love rather than its source. You’ll hear a simple test to know whether your love is running on self or fueled by the Spirit, and you’ll get practical ways to express love that actually lands: life-giving words, undivided attention, thoughtful gifts, acts of service that lift real weight, and physical touch that calms the nerves. We don’t avoid the hard realities either. Sometimes obedience reveals deeper wounds—affairs, addictions, or chronic indifference. We talk candidly about Jesus’ teaching on hard hearts and why reconciliation remains plan A, even while acknowledging the need for wise boundaries.
If you feel alone in the fight, take heart: visible, daily faithfulness is powerful. Apply Scripture to your thoughts before they steer your reactions. Build a track record of consistent love without enabling sin. Seek biblical counsel even if your spouse won’t come. And remember how Christ pursued you when you were unlovely; that same grace can run through you when your spouse has nothing left to give. Subscribe for more conversations that equip you to lead with courage and compassion, share this with a friend who needs hope today, and leave a review to help others find this message.
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:03):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart of God'sdesign for your marriage.
Now, here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
SPEAKER_02 (00:25):
Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers, and we have
made Vows to Keep.
We are continuing the discussiontoday on a series titled How to
Save Your Marriage Alone.
And we're going to start today'sbroadcast by talking about the
term man down.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
Now, man down is a phrase that refers back to the
military where a soldier in yourgroup has been shot and they are
lying on the ground.
And when soldiers hear thatphrase over the radio, they know
that it is time to rally torescue.
In battle, we do not leave thefallen behind.
And this series is for a specialgroup of listeners.
(01:02):
They're dealing with a marriagewhere there is a man down.
There's a war going on withinand now for your marriage.
The battle is raging and yourspouse is down.
They've lost the ability tofight.
They don't even believe yourmarriage can be saved.
They've given up.
There's no hope.
(01:22):
They're in need of rescue.
But they are dealing withmission impossible.
Everyone around them is tellingthem, it's not possible, that
there is no hope.
But you, you are committed toyour marriage.
You're committed to being godly.
Even when people ask you, Well,what are you going to do about
this?
How will you change?
You know that success means youwill have to save your marriage
(01:46):
with only God's help.
Today we're talking to the groupof people that have prayed that
they would find a third choice,that they wouldn't lean into
divorce, that they wouldn't stayin status quo, but instead they
would work for a marriage thatwould be restored into something
better than it ever was before.
So with all this in mind, wereached to answer the question:
(02:09):
how do you save your marriage byyourself?
Well, it's with an amazing God.
And what we talked about in ourfirst show was the first step in
a series of successive biblicalconcepts that you need to apply
in your marriage.
So last week we talked about howto take your thoughts captive
and how to prepare for yourreactions.
(02:31):
And it's all about becomingbiblically wise, soaking in
God's word and taking captivethe thoughts and rejecting the
thoughts that are not true, thatallow you to have a reaction
that still shows Christ's loveeven in the face of hurt and
pain and agony.
The second point we talked aboutlast week was how to overcome
the static of your emotions andeven the emotions of your
(02:53):
friends, people that mightridicule you for the choice that
you're making to stay biblicaland to stay God's, to stay
committed to your marriage, evenwhen your spouse has committed
great atrocities against you.
So our focus for today is goingto be to understand the purpose
of your marriage.
And I'm not talking about yourpurpose, I'm talking about God's
(03:14):
purpose, and then finally how tolove like a conduit and stop
believing that you are a sourceof that love.
SPEAKER_02 (03:22):
Recently, David and I watched a film produced by
Billy Graham Ministries titledFlying Blind.
If you've got a chance to watchit, I encourage you to do that.
You can find it online.
It depicts three or fourfamilies that are in this
airplane, and the airplane isthe life that they're living.
They're living by only what theycan see, really by only what
(03:42):
they can feel.
And that's how many of us are inour marriages.
As long as this marriage isgiving me what I want, you know
what?
I'm doing pretty good.
I'm just flying along.
My feelings are how I judge mydirection and how I steer my
plane.
My emotional highs and lows,those equate to the tone and the
pitch of my marital flight.
In the cockpit of a plane, thereare gauges that tell us what our
(04:05):
altitude is, what our speed andour pitch are.
These are actual factualreadings.
They're not a guesstimate basedupon our emotions.
Too many of us think we'resailing along, we're riding
high, but really we're in a fog.
We're confused, we're lost, andthere's danger ahead.
Some of us are the spouse in themarriage who's blissfully
(04:26):
ignorant, we're in denial thatthe other person has been
pushing down on the controlsvery subtly, but for a long
time, and we've got no clue thatthere's a crash about to happen.
Some couples have a spouse whoknows the plane is in trouble,
but they really don't know thatit's actually them that can help
to save it.
Instead, they put on theirparachute and they're getting
(04:48):
ready to jump out of thatairplane.
There are surely storms inmarriage.
There's gonna be some bumps inthis flight, but undisciplined
feelings cause plane crashes.
God's word and the fruit of theHoly Spirit is like looking at
the instruments in the cockpitfor a pilot.
(05:08):
They help us gauge how to react.
God's word is our instrumentpanel.
Read it daily, read it hourly ifyou need to.
When our emotions are all overthe place, that can equal panic.
And in our panic, we can doreally dumb things, really
ungodly things.
It's a knee-jerk reaction to howwe're being treated.
(05:29):
Now I'm not asking you to ignoreyour feelings.
I'm asking you to put them incheck with the Word of God.
The fruit of the Spirit is foundin Galatians 5 22, and it says,
The fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control.
Stabilize your emotional rollercoaster today by becoming a
(05:52):
person bearing fruit.
SPEAKER_01 (05:54):
So how does this relate to God's purpose for
marriage?
Well, if my purpose for marriageis my happiness, God's purpose
for marriage is holiness.
God is love and we are his.
God actually uses marriage toshape us to be more like him.
In 1 John 4, picking up in verse7, it says, Beloved, let us love
(06:15):
one another, for love is fromGod, and whoever loves has been
born of God and knows God.
Anyone who does not love doesnot know God, because God is
love.
In this the love of God was mademanifest among us that God sent
his only son to the world sothat we might live through him.
(06:36):
In this is love.
Not that we have loved God, butthat he loved us and has sent
his son to be the atonement forour sins.
So here we are, we're sanctifiedto love.
We don't start out loving theunlovable with ease.
And unfortunately, we have to becareful to not declare ourselves
incapable because it doesn'tcome easy.
(06:58):
You know what?
Sanctification is a process.
In fact, it's a long process.
Love is very practical, it'svery life-altering.
Too many marriages operate onthe principle that love demanded
will result in love delivered.
If you don't give me mine, restassured, you're gonna go high
and dry.
But that's not God's way.
God actually says love givenwithout regard for reciprocation
(07:21):
will result in love gotten.
Let me read you 1 Corinthianschapter 13.
It says, If I have faith it canmove mountains, but I do not
have love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to thepoor and give over my body to
the hardship that I may boast,but I do not have love, I gain
nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind,it doesn't envy, it doesn't
(07:42):
boast, it's not proud, it doesnot dishonor others.
It does not dishonor others,it's not self-seeking, it's not
eagle it's not easily angered,it keeps no records of wrong.
Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, it alwaystrusts, it always hopes, it
(08:02):
always perseveres.
Verse 8 continues, love neverfails, and jumping to verse 13,
it says, And now these things,three things remain faith, hope,
and love.
But the greatest of these islove.
So how does love given withoutregard for reciprocation result
in love received?
(08:24):
You see, love given to a personwhen they deserve it the least,
shouldn't come from you.
I suppose that it can, but I'masking you to not let it, and
I'm gonna help you to know whenthat's happening.
It is at that time the love ofour Heavenly Father can be
poured right through you intoyour spouse's life.
(08:45):
Galatians 5 22, as Tracy read,the fruit of the Spirit is love.
So, how do you know whether youare really giving someone the
fruit of the Holy Spirit orwhether you're giving something
from a limited source such asyourself?
Here's the question I've learnedto ask myself.
When I give and I feel moreempty afterwards than when I
(09:08):
started, I've got to questionwhose love that was.
God will supply the love thatyou're rejecting, demeaning,
hurtful spouse needs if you'rejust willing to be the plumbing
to get it there.
And then to a watching world,guess what's gonna happen?
They will all ask, not only how,but why.
SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
So, how does this relate to God's purpose for your
marriage?
Marriage is designed to tell adying world the truth about a
God that loves them.
And now you've got testimonytime.
Never lose sight of the purposeof your marriage relationship.
If God would reach me in mysinful, dreadful state, if he
would give me his love and life,and I'm called to look like him,
(09:52):
why would I do anything less?
This, my friends, is living outgenuine faith.
You may not ever change yourspouse, but would you be willing
to hold out to them a gift?
A gift of love just like Christoffered his free gift of
salvation to you?
Will you come under theauthority of God and his word,
(10:14):
treating your spouse like Godasks you to treat them?
Will you repent of your previousactions towards them, your
previous reactions, and see thatgrace and mercy aren't to be
taken lightly, but they are tobe received and then re-gifted.
SPEAKER_01 (10:31):
This is where the rubber meets the road for the
world that's watching.
When they see a love undeservedthat is dedicated, that is free
and always available.
Boy, they can't help but wonderwho is that Jesus?
Love given to your spousewithout regard for reciprocation
will result in fruit.
It's going to result in lovegotten from the Holy Spirit.
SPEAKER_00 (10:55):
Vows to Keep offers the support of biblical
counselors to couples wishing tostrengthen their marriage.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christ-like marriages includesproviding much-needed services
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
Today we ask you to considerfinancially helping a broken
(11:16):
marriage to get whole again.
Your gift could change lives.
Give your gift to sponsoranother couple's journey to a
biblically healthy marriage byclicking the donate link at
vows2keep.com.
SPEAKER_02 (11:29):
So, how does this all work out in our daily lives?
How do we get practical aboutthis?
Our fourth point and how to saveyour marriage alone is to love
like you're a conduit and stopbelieving that you're a source
of that love.
That love that needs to flow toyour spouse comes from your
Heavenly Father.
God's word tells us in Proverbs18 that our tongue has the power
(11:53):
of life and death.
So we're gonna be challengedwith our spouse to express love
by using words that build up.
Things like, don't you look soincredible in that outfit,
honey?
Wow.
Or you can always make me laugh.
Little things that make a bigimpact.
Possibly the deepest human needis the need to feel appreciated.
(12:14):
Does your spouse get words ofaffirmation from you that meet
that need even when they don'tdeserve it?
Equally as important, we can useour mouth to tear down.
And many times when we're in atough marriage situation, it's
all about gossiping, sharingthings about our spouse,
especially their sins, with anyears that are willing to listen.
(12:36):
These words tear down our spouseand they lock others against
them.
If your spouse is going toovercome their sin, you must
give your husband or your wifethe long-term runway to do that.
It may take longer than youthink, but you're headed toward
a great goal.
SPEAKER_01 (12:55):
Next, in being someone who is the plumbing of
the love and not the source ofthe love, you need to be someone
who's willing to give yourundivided attention.
I don't mean sitting down on thecouch and watching TV together.
When you spend time that way,whether it's Netflix or HBO,
that device, that TV has gotyour attention, not your spouse.
What I'm talking about is TVoff, looking at each other,
(13:19):
talking, devices put away,undivided attention.
For Tracy and I, we find thatwalking and talking is a really
great way to do that.
Time is a precious commodity.
And if your spouse's primarylove language is quality time,
she simply wants you to be withher, spending that time.
SPEAKER_02 (13:38):
Maybe your spouse's love language is more in the
gifts category.
Would they be touched by yourgenerosity, especially when they
know they have not earned it?
A gift is something you can holdin your hand and say, look, he
was thinking about me, or sheremembered what I liked.
To give a meaningful gift, youhave to spend time thinking
about that person.
And that gift is a symbol ofyour thought.
(13:59):
It doesn't matter if it costs alot of money or not.
What's important is that youthought of him, you thought of
her.
Some of us are most touched bysomeone doing things for us.
Consider actions that would meansomething to your spouse, like
cooking a meal for them, settingthe table, emptying the
dishwasher, vacuuming, changingthe baby's diaper, picking up
that prescription when theydidn't even ask, keeping the car
(14:22):
in operating condition, thoseare all acts of service that
could show love to a spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (14:32):
If your spouse's love language is acts of
service, then truly actions arespeaking louder than your words.
We have long known throughnumerous research projects in
the area of child developmentthat babies who are held that
are stroked and kissed develop ahealthier emotional life than
those who are left for longperiods of time without physical
(14:53):
contact.
Physical touch is a way ofcommunicating emotional love.
Physical touch is also apowerful vehicle for
communicating marital love.
Holding hands, kissing,embracing, sexual intercourse,
all of these things are ways ofcommunicating emotional love to
your spouse.
For some individuals, physicaltouch is their primary love
(15:15):
language.
Without it, they don't feelloved.
With it, their emotional tank isfilled, and they feel secure in
the love of their spouse.
SPEAKER_02 (15:23):
You might be saying, okay, David and Tracy, these are
great ideas, but you know what?
I am not a gift giver.
That does not come naturally tome at all, or I really don't
feel like holding hands withsomeone that I am totally hacked
off with.
It doesn't come naturally forme.
Well, congratulations! You'vejust made the first discovery in
becoming a Christ-like lover.
(15:46):
Now that you've made thatdiscovery, get on with the
business of learning God's lovefor your spouse.
It requires thought.
It requires planning.
It requires getting out of yourcomfort zone.
It requires a sacrifice of yourtime and your effort and your
energy.
But if you do this with theright heart motivation, they are
such expressions of love to yourspouse.
In fact, they're God'sexpressions of love to them.
(16:09):
But if you do it with a negativeattitude, you do it with a
put-out tone, you're throwingthe blessing away.
Don't expect something done forsomeone else with grumbling to
be appreciated.
In fact, it might even berejected.
Every single person listening tous right now desires to feel the
kind of love that we just gotdone talking about.
(16:29):
We want someone to know our lovelanguage and to give us the kind
of love we feel like we need.
But here's the thing inmarriage: sometimes we get to
this stuck place that someonehas to lead out with that love.
Somebody's got to start the ballrolling.
And sometimes it's gonna be youfor months on end, pouring into
that other person really withoutmuch feedback or reward.
SPEAKER_01 (16:52):
Now I want to warn you about something that is
critical that you understandwhen you're in an embattled
marriage, you could be lovingsomeone just as God is asking
you to, possibly for months, anddoing so with a God-only kind of
love to find that your situationis actually worse than you
originally realized.
Now, if you listen to our firstbroadcast in this series, you
(17:13):
know about Jack and Diane.
Now, Diane had replaced theaccomplishments and the
admiration that once came fromher marriage with the kind of
significance that now came fromher job.
She was married figuratively toher job.
And it pains me to say this, butvery often when one spouse is
checked out of the marriage,there's already someone else
(17:34):
who's got their attention, andthat was the case for Diane.
There was another man at workwho made every effort to pour
admiration and appreciation intoDiane's life.
She noticed it, and it wasn'tlong things materialized
farther.
Sin is a horrible, horriblething, and your spouse is a
sinner.
So what I'm warning you about isthat you need to be prepared for
(17:56):
the absolute worst.
You may potentially receive thiskind of news.
This is where leaving yourmarriage for dead is perhaps its
most tempting.
Many of us would agree that thisis the worst offense that could
happen in a marriage, but now isthe time to consider what God's
word says you should do.
Something that's veryinteresting though is that in
today's world, staying in amarriage where your spouse has
(18:19):
been unfaithful is going to comewith judgment for you.
As if you're the weak person, asif you're the person who thinks
so lowly of themselves.
Knowing the truth is so vital,knowing that there's nothing you
could do to seek out the kind oflove that you would receive
beyond what you already havethrough your Heavenly Father,
(18:41):
that the status that you have ashis daughter or his son fully
completes who you are and whoyou need to be.
Now the question is, will you bethat conduit of love?
Listen to this discussionbetween Christ and the Pharisees
in Matthew 19.
After Jesus refers to God'soriginal purpose for marriage,
(19:01):
which is the point we just gotdone talking about, he was
asked, Why then did Mosescommand to give her a
certificate of divorce and sendher away?
Jesus then answers, Because ofthe hardness of your heart,
Moses permitted you to divorceyour wives, but from the
beginning it has not been thisway.
And I say to you, whoeverdivorces his wife, except for
(19:22):
immorality and marries anotherwoman, commits adultery.
So this verse points outsomething that's very important.
We are actually free to leave,but that is not plan A.
You, as the person who's beencheated on, will actually hear
over and over again, it's timeto leave.
Kick them out.
You deserve happiness.
(19:44):
You've got to be prepared.
You've got to be the personlooking at the gauges in the
airplane.
If I can go back to the analogywe spoke of earlier, who's
paying attention to what isabsolute truth.
You've got to know God's word sowell that you know how to fly
that plane and even deal withyour co-pilot who's flying in
blindness.
(20:05):
So many people who have cheatedon their spouse in their
marriage, they've been the onewho's been pushing the stick
down to crash the plane.
It's not because they want toreplace their spouse most of the
time.
They want to change the courseof their lives.
They're unhappy with who theyare.
They're unhappy with how theirlife looks to them.
Oftentimes they still love theirspouse deeply.
(20:27):
The path of life does not looklike they want it to.
They're swerving and pulling andyanking on the stick of that
airplane, following theiremotions of what they think
could make them happy.
And this, believe it or not, isa source of most affairs.
And there's some comfort thatcomes in realizing that that
affair probably has a lot lessto do with you than you may
realize.
It's wrong, it's not right.
I'm not trying to justify whatthey're doing, but understand
(20:50):
this.
You may play a critical role inthe God-honoring change that
they need in their life.
This is what's so pivotal aboutbeing prepared to hear this kind
of news, because it's at thistime that many people finally
make the decision of divorce.
Let me tell you something.
It's easy to pick marriage wheneverything is all smiles.
(21:13):
When Tracy and I were standingat the altar, we had such love
in our eyes.
I knew I was getting what Iwanted.
But Jesus, he picked love whenhe went to the cross, when the
weight of your sins and my sinswere laid all over him.
That is a totally different kindof love.
And this is what requires you tonot be the source of the love,
(21:35):
but to be the conduit.
Now is the time to study God'sword about forgiveness.
And this is the deep, tough kindof forgiveness, the kind that as
a Christian I only understandbecause I know how much I've
been forgiven.
The story of Jesus Christsuggests that it's because of
undeserved grace that we canactually live an eternal life.
(21:55):
Jesus takes our offense as hisown.
He paves the way for us tounderstand that we may have to
hold out our forgiveness evenwhen it's not accepted.
How long did your sin seemmanageable in your mind until
you finally gave yourself toChrist?
Was it the first time you heardof Jesus' love and grace?
For most of us, repentance wasnot our first reaction to
hearing this story.
(22:16):
So you too need to be preparedfor the fact that you may need
to deal with the continuation ofan affair.
Your spouse might still bemarried to their job.
Your husband may stay wrapped upin the sin of pornography.
They may continue their selfishsin.
Know how you will react.
Know that this will be only donethrough the fruit of the Holy
(22:37):
Spirit.
But rest also that these fruitsare not a one-time gift.
That it's in undeserved gracethat we can actually live an
eternal life.
Jesus takes our offense andcarries it as his own.
SPEAKER_02 (22:50):
In conclusion, here on Vows to Keep Radio, God is
asking you to prepare to beperfectly godly.
If you want blessing in yourmarriage, you want blessing in
your life, your only option isto become the husband or wife
that God has commanded you to bein Scripture, and He will help
you to do that with His power.
Apply Scripture to every dailyactivity, every daily thought,
(23:14):
every daily emotion that youhave.
When you read Scripture, whenyou follow it, you will enjoy
God's favor because that's whatfaithful, obedient servants do.
SPEAKER_01 (23:24):
The question, however, we all want to know is
what's going to change myspouse?
Well, we know that God's wordhas that power.
And you might say, but what ifthey don't agree to seek counsel
through someplace like Vows toKeep?
What if they don't choose tofollow God's word?
In that case, they must see youliving by God's truth day in and
(23:45):
day out.
SPEAKER_02 (23:46):
Our pursuit of God and God's word is powerful
because look at how Jesuspursued us.
I'm reminded of Ephesians 5.29.
It says, after all, no one everhated their own body, but they
feed and they care for theirbody just as Christ does the
church.
You see, Christ didn't run fromus the sinner.
He came to earth to rescue us.
(24:07):
If you're going to love yourwife like Christ loved you, run
after her, not away from her.
SPEAKER_00 (24:16):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers, and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is a not-for-profitmarriage ministry designed to
bring God's encouraging truth tothe marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christ-like marriages includesproviding much-needed services
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donate yourtime or abilities, but would
like to help support Vows2Keepfinancially, visit
VowsToKeep.com and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart of God'sdesign for your marriage.
Now, here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
SPEAKER_02 (00:25):
Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers, and we have
made Vows to Keep.
We are continuing the discussiontoday on a series titled How to
Save Your Marriage Alone.
And we're going to start today'sbroadcast by talking about the
term man down.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
Now, man down is a phrase that refers back to the
military where a soldier in yourgroup has been shot and they are
lying on the ground.
And when soldiers hear thatphrase over the radio, they know
that it is time to rally torescue.
In battle, we do not leave thefallen behind.
And this series is for a specialgroup of listeners.
(01:02):
They're dealing with a marriagewhere there is a man down.
There's a war going on withinand now for your marriage.
The battle is raging and yourspouse is down.
They've lost the ability tofight.
They don't even believe yourmarriage can be saved.
They've given up.
There's no hope.
(01:22):
They're in need of rescue.
But they are dealing withmission impossible.
Everyone around them is tellingthem, it's not possible, that
there is no hope.
But you, you are committed toyour marriage.
You're committed to being godly.
Even when people ask you, Well,what are you going to do about
this?
How will you change?
You know that success means youwill have to save your marriage
(01:46):
with only God's help.
Today we're talking to the groupof people that have prayed that
they would find a third choice,that they wouldn't lean into
divorce, that they wouldn't stayin status quo, but instead they
would work for a marriage thatwould be restored into something
better than it ever was before.
So with all this in mind, wereached to answer the question:
(02:09):
how do you save your marriage byyourself?
Well, it's with an amazing God.
And what we talked about in ourfirst show was the first step in
a series of successive biblicalconcepts that you need to apply
in your marriage.
So last week we talked about howto take your thoughts captive
and how to prepare for yourreactions.
(02:31):
And it's all about becomingbiblically wise, soaking in
God's word and taking captivethe thoughts and rejecting the
thoughts that are not true, thatallow you to have a reaction
that still shows Christ's loveeven in the face of hurt and
pain and agony.
The second point we talked aboutlast week was how to overcome
the static of your emotions andeven the emotions of your
(02:53):
friends, people that mightridicule you for the choice that
you're making to stay biblicaland to stay God's, to stay
committed to your marriage, evenwhen your spouse has committed
great atrocities against you.
So our focus for today is goingto be to understand the purpose
of your marriage.
And I'm not talking about yourpurpose, I'm talking about God's
(03:14):
purpose, and then finally how tolove like a conduit and stop
believing that you are a sourceof that love.
SPEAKER_02 (03:22):
Recently, David and I watched a film produced by
Billy Graham Ministries titledFlying Blind.
If you've got a chance to watchit, I encourage you to do that.
You can find it online.
It depicts three or fourfamilies that are in this
airplane, and the airplane isthe life that they're living.
They're living by only what theycan see, really by only what
(03:42):
they can feel.
And that's how many of us are inour marriages.
As long as this marriage isgiving me what I want, you know
what?
I'm doing pretty good.
I'm just flying along.
My feelings are how I judge mydirection and how I steer my
plane.
My emotional highs and lows,those equate to the tone and the
pitch of my marital flight.
In the cockpit of a plane, thereare gauges that tell us what our
(04:05):
altitude is, what our speed andour pitch are.
These are actual factualreadings.
They're not a guesstimate basedupon our emotions.
Too many of us think we'resailing along, we're riding
high, but really we're in a fog.
We're confused, we're lost, andthere's danger ahead.
Some of us are the spouse in themarriage who's blissfully
(04:26):
ignorant, we're in denial thatthe other person has been
pushing down on the controlsvery subtly, but for a long
time, and we've got no clue thatthere's a crash about to happen.
Some couples have a spouse whoknows the plane is in trouble,
but they really don't know thatit's actually them that can help
to save it.
Instead, they put on theirparachute and they're getting
(04:48):
ready to jump out of thatairplane.
There are surely storms inmarriage.
There's gonna be some bumps inthis flight, but undisciplined
feelings cause plane crashes.
God's word and the fruit of theHoly Spirit is like looking at
the instruments in the cockpitfor a pilot.
(05:08):
They help us gauge how to react.
God's word is our instrumentpanel.
Read it daily, read it hourly ifyou need to.
When our emotions are all overthe place, that can equal panic.
And in our panic, we can doreally dumb things, really
ungodly things.
It's a knee-jerk reaction to howwe're being treated.
(05:29):
Now I'm not asking you to ignoreyour feelings.
I'm asking you to put them incheck with the Word of God.
The fruit of the Spirit is foundin Galatians 5 22, and it says,
The fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control.
Stabilize your emotional rollercoaster today by becoming a
(05:52):
person bearing fruit.
SPEAKER_01 (05:54):
So how does this relate to God's purpose for
marriage?
Well, if my purpose for marriageis my happiness, God's purpose
for marriage is holiness.
God is love and we are his.
God actually uses marriage toshape us to be more like him.
In 1 John 4, picking up in verse7, it says, Beloved, let us love
(06:15):
one another, for love is fromGod, and whoever loves has been
born of God and knows God.
Anyone who does not love doesnot know God, because God is
love.
In this the love of God was mademanifest among us that God sent
his only son to the world sothat we might live through him.
(06:36):
In this is love.
Not that we have loved God, butthat he loved us and has sent
his son to be the atonement forour sins.
So here we are, we're sanctifiedto love.
We don't start out loving theunlovable with ease.
And unfortunately, we have to becareful to not declare ourselves
incapable because it doesn'tcome easy.
(06:58):
You know what?
Sanctification is a process.
In fact, it's a long process.
Love is very practical, it'svery life-altering.
Too many marriages operate onthe principle that love demanded
will result in love delivered.
If you don't give me mine, restassured, you're gonna go high
and dry.
But that's not God's way.
God actually says love givenwithout regard for reciprocation
(07:21):
will result in love gotten.
Let me read you 1 Corinthianschapter 13.
It says, If I have faith it canmove mountains, but I do not
have love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to thepoor and give over my body to
the hardship that I may boast,but I do not have love, I gain
nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind,it doesn't envy, it doesn't
(07:42):
boast, it's not proud, it doesnot dishonor others.
It does not dishonor others,it's not self-seeking, it's not
eagle it's not easily angered,it keeps no records of wrong.
Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, it alwaystrusts, it always hopes, it
(08:02):
always perseveres.
Verse 8 continues, love neverfails, and jumping to verse 13,
it says, And now these things,three things remain faith, hope,
and love.
But the greatest of these islove.
So how does love given withoutregard for reciprocation result
in love received?
(08:24):
You see, love given to a personwhen they deserve it the least,
shouldn't come from you.
I suppose that it can, but I'masking you to not let it, and
I'm gonna help you to know whenthat's happening.
It is at that time the love ofour Heavenly Father can be
poured right through you intoyour spouse's life.
(08:45):
Galatians 5 22, as Tracy read,the fruit of the Spirit is love.
So, how do you know whether youare really giving someone the
fruit of the Holy Spirit orwhether you're giving something
from a limited source such asyourself?
Here's the question I've learnedto ask myself.
When I give and I feel moreempty afterwards than when I
(09:08):
started, I've got to questionwhose love that was.
God will supply the love thatyou're rejecting, demeaning,
hurtful spouse needs if you'rejust willing to be the plumbing
to get it there.
And then to a watching world,guess what's gonna happen?
They will all ask, not only how,but why.
SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
So, how does this relate to God's purpose for your
marriage?
Marriage is designed to tell adying world the truth about a
God that loves them.
And now you've got testimonytime.
Never lose sight of the purposeof your marriage relationship.
If God would reach me in mysinful, dreadful state, if he
would give me his love and life,and I'm called to look like him,
(09:52):
why would I do anything less?
This, my friends, is living outgenuine faith.
You may not ever change yourspouse, but would you be willing
to hold out to them a gift?
A gift of love just like Christoffered his free gift of
salvation to you?
Will you come under theauthority of God and his word,
(10:14):
treating your spouse like Godasks you to treat them?
Will you repent of your previousactions towards them, your
previous reactions, and see thatgrace and mercy aren't to be
taken lightly, but they are tobe received and then re-gifted.
SPEAKER_01 (10:31):
This is where the rubber meets the road for the
world that's watching.
When they see a love undeservedthat is dedicated, that is free
and always available.
Boy, they can't help but wonderwho is that Jesus?
Love given to your spousewithout regard for reciprocation
will result in fruit.
It's going to result in lovegotten from the Holy Spirit.
SPEAKER_00 (10:55):
Vows to Keep offers the support of biblical
counselors to couples wishing tostrengthen their marriage.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christ-like marriages includesproviding much-needed services
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
Today we ask you to considerfinancially helping a broken
(11:16):
marriage to get whole again.
Your gift could change lives.
Give your gift to sponsoranother couple's journey to a
biblically healthy marriage byclicking the donate link at
vows2keep.com.
SPEAKER_02 (11:29):
So, how does this all work out in our daily lives?
How do we get practical aboutthis?
Our fourth point and how to saveyour marriage alone is to love
like you're a conduit and stopbelieving that you're a source
of that love.
That love that needs to flow toyour spouse comes from your
Heavenly Father.
God's word tells us in Proverbs18 that our tongue has the power
(11:53):
of life and death.
So we're gonna be challengedwith our spouse to express love
by using words that build up.
Things like, don't you look soincredible in that outfit,
honey?
Wow.
Or you can always make me laugh.
Little things that make a bigimpact.
Possibly the deepest human needis the need to feel appreciated.
(12:14):
Does your spouse get words ofaffirmation from you that meet
that need even when they don'tdeserve it?
Equally as important, we can useour mouth to tear down.
And many times when we're in atough marriage situation, it's
all about gossiping, sharingthings about our spouse,
especially their sins, with anyears that are willing to listen.
(12:36):
These words tear down our spouseand they lock others against
them.
If your spouse is going toovercome their sin, you must
give your husband or your wifethe long-term runway to do that.
It may take longer than youthink, but you're headed toward
a great goal.
SPEAKER_01 (12:55):
Next, in being someone who is the plumbing of
the love and not the source ofthe love, you need to be someone
who's willing to give yourundivided attention.
I don't mean sitting down on thecouch and watching TV together.
When you spend time that way,whether it's Netflix or HBO,
that device, that TV has gotyour attention, not your spouse.
What I'm talking about is TVoff, looking at each other,
(13:19):
talking, devices put away,undivided attention.
For Tracy and I, we find thatwalking and talking is a really
great way to do that.
Time is a precious commodity.
And if your spouse's primarylove language is quality time,
she simply wants you to be withher, spending that time.
SPEAKER_02 (13:38):
Maybe your spouse's love language is more in the
gifts category.
Would they be touched by yourgenerosity, especially when they
know they have not earned it?
A gift is something you can holdin your hand and say, look, he
was thinking about me, or sheremembered what I liked.
To give a meaningful gift, youhave to spend time thinking
about that person.
And that gift is a symbol ofyour thought.
(13:59):
It doesn't matter if it costs alot of money or not.
What's important is that youthought of him, you thought of
her.
Some of us are most touched bysomeone doing things for us.
Consider actions that would meansomething to your spouse, like
cooking a meal for them, settingthe table, emptying the
dishwasher, vacuuming, changingthe baby's diaper, picking up
that prescription when theydidn't even ask, keeping the car
(14:22):
in operating condition, thoseare all acts of service that
could show love to a spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (14:32):
If your spouse's love language is acts of
service, then truly actions arespeaking louder than your words.
We have long known throughnumerous research projects in
the area of child developmentthat babies who are held that
are stroked and kissed develop ahealthier emotional life than
those who are left for longperiods of time without physical
(14:53):
contact.
Physical touch is a way ofcommunicating emotional love.
Physical touch is also apowerful vehicle for
communicating marital love.
Holding hands, kissing,embracing, sexual intercourse,
all of these things are ways ofcommunicating emotional love to
your spouse.
For some individuals, physicaltouch is their primary love
(15:15):
language.
Without it, they don't feelloved.
With it, their emotional tank isfilled, and they feel secure in
the love of their spouse.
SPEAKER_02 (15:23):
You might be saying, okay, David and Tracy, these are
great ideas, but you know what?
I am not a gift giver.
That does not come naturally tome at all, or I really don't
feel like holding hands withsomeone that I am totally hacked
off with.
It doesn't come naturally forme.
Well, congratulations! You'vejust made the first discovery in
becoming a Christ-like lover.
(15:46):
Now that you've made thatdiscovery, get on with the
business of learning God's lovefor your spouse.
It requires thought.
It requires planning.
It requires getting out of yourcomfort zone.
It requires a sacrifice of yourtime and your effort and your
energy.
But if you do this with theright heart motivation, they are
such expressions of love to yourspouse.
In fact, they're God'sexpressions of love to them.
(16:09):
But if you do it with a negativeattitude, you do it with a
put-out tone, you're throwingthe blessing away.
Don't expect something done forsomeone else with grumbling to
be appreciated.
In fact, it might even berejected.
Every single person listening tous right now desires to feel the
kind of love that we just gotdone talking about.
(16:29):
We want someone to know our lovelanguage and to give us the kind
of love we feel like we need.
But here's the thing inmarriage: sometimes we get to
this stuck place that someonehas to lead out with that love.
Somebody's got to start the ballrolling.
And sometimes it's gonna be youfor months on end, pouring into
that other person really withoutmuch feedback or reward.
SPEAKER_01 (16:52):
Now I want to warn you about something that is
critical that you understandwhen you're in an embattled
marriage, you could be lovingsomeone just as God is asking
you to, possibly for months, anddoing so with a God-only kind of
love to find that your situationis actually worse than you
originally realized.
Now, if you listen to our firstbroadcast in this series, you
(17:13):
know about Jack and Diane.
Now, Diane had replaced theaccomplishments and the
admiration that once came fromher marriage with the kind of
significance that now came fromher job.
She was married figuratively toher job.
And it pains me to say this, butvery often when one spouse is
checked out of the marriage,there's already someone else
(17:34):
who's got their attention, andthat was the case for Diane.
There was another man at workwho made every effort to pour
admiration and appreciation intoDiane's life.
She noticed it, and it wasn'tlong things materialized
farther.
Sin is a horrible, horriblething, and your spouse is a
sinner.
So what I'm warning you about isthat you need to be prepared for
(17:56):
the absolute worst.
You may potentially receive thiskind of news.
This is where leaving yourmarriage for dead is perhaps its
most tempting.
Many of us would agree that thisis the worst offense that could
happen in a marriage, but now isthe time to consider what God's
word says you should do.
Something that's veryinteresting though is that in
today's world, staying in amarriage where your spouse has
(18:19):
been unfaithful is going to comewith judgment for you.
As if you're the weak person, asif you're the person who thinks
so lowly of themselves.
Knowing the truth is so vital,knowing that there's nothing you
could do to seek out the kind oflove that you would receive
beyond what you already havethrough your Heavenly Father,
(18:41):
that the status that you have ashis daughter or his son fully
completes who you are and whoyou need to be.
Now the question is, will you bethat conduit of love?
Listen to this discussionbetween Christ and the Pharisees
in Matthew 19.
After Jesus refers to God'soriginal purpose for marriage,
(19:01):
which is the point we just gotdone talking about, he was
asked, Why then did Mosescommand to give her a
certificate of divorce and sendher away?
Jesus then answers, Because ofthe hardness of your heart,
Moses permitted you to divorceyour wives, but from the
beginning it has not been thisway.
And I say to you, whoeverdivorces his wife, except for
(19:22):
immorality and marries anotherwoman, commits adultery.
So this verse points outsomething that's very important.
We are actually free to leave,but that is not plan A.
You, as the person who's beencheated on, will actually hear
over and over again, it's timeto leave.
Kick them out.
You deserve happiness.
(19:44):
You've got to be prepared.
You've got to be the personlooking at the gauges in the
airplane.
If I can go back to the analogywe spoke of earlier, who's
paying attention to what isabsolute truth.
You've got to know God's word sowell that you know how to fly
that plane and even deal withyour co-pilot who's flying in
blindness.
(20:05):
So many people who have cheatedon their spouse in their
marriage, they've been the onewho's been pushing the stick
down to crash the plane.
It's not because they want toreplace their spouse most of the
time.
They want to change the courseof their lives.
They're unhappy with who theyare.
They're unhappy with how theirlife looks to them.
Oftentimes they still love theirspouse deeply.
(20:27):
The path of life does not looklike they want it to.
They're swerving and pulling andyanking on the stick of that
airplane, following theiremotions of what they think
could make them happy.
And this, believe it or not, isa source of most affairs.
And there's some comfort thatcomes in realizing that that
affair probably has a lot lessto do with you than you may
realize.
It's wrong, it's not right.
I'm not trying to justify whatthey're doing, but understand
(20:50):
this.
You may play a critical role inthe God-honoring change that
they need in their life.
This is what's so pivotal aboutbeing prepared to hear this kind
of news, because it's at thistime that many people finally
make the decision of divorce.
Let me tell you something.
It's easy to pick marriage wheneverything is all smiles.
(21:13):
When Tracy and I were standingat the altar, we had such love
in our eyes.
I knew I was getting what Iwanted.
But Jesus, he picked love whenhe went to the cross, when the
weight of your sins and my sinswere laid all over him.
That is a totally different kindof love.
And this is what requires you tonot be the source of the love,
(21:35):
but to be the conduit.
Now is the time to study God'sword about forgiveness.
And this is the deep, tough kindof forgiveness, the kind that as
a Christian I only understandbecause I know how much I've
been forgiven.
The story of Jesus Christsuggests that it's because of
undeserved grace that we canactually live an eternal life.
(21:55):
Jesus takes our offense as hisown.
He paves the way for us tounderstand that we may have to
hold out our forgiveness evenwhen it's not accepted.
How long did your sin seemmanageable in your mind until
you finally gave yourself toChrist?
Was it the first time you heardof Jesus' love and grace?
For most of us, repentance wasnot our first reaction to
hearing this story.
(22:16):
So you too need to be preparedfor the fact that you may need
to deal with the continuation ofan affair.
Your spouse might still bemarried to their job.
Your husband may stay wrapped upin the sin of pornography.
They may continue their selfishsin.
Know how you will react.
Know that this will be only donethrough the fruit of the Holy
(22:37):
Spirit.
But rest also that these fruitsare not a one-time gift.
That it's in undeserved gracethat we can actually live an
eternal life.
Jesus takes our offense andcarries it as his own.
SPEAKER_02 (22:50):
In conclusion, here on Vows to Keep Radio, God is
asking you to prepare to beperfectly godly.
If you want blessing in yourmarriage, you want blessing in
your life, your only option isto become the husband or wife
that God has commanded you to bein Scripture, and He will help
you to do that with His power.
Apply Scripture to every dailyactivity, every daily thought,
(23:14):
every daily emotion that youhave.
When you read Scripture, whenyou follow it, you will enjoy
God's favor because that's whatfaithful, obedient servants do.
SPEAKER_01 (23:24):
The question, however, we all want to know is
what's going to change myspouse?
Well, we know that God's wordhas that power.
And you might say, but what ifthey don't agree to seek counsel
through someplace like Vows toKeep?
What if they don't choose tofollow God's word?
In that case, they must see youliving by God's truth day in and
(23:45):
day out.
SPEAKER_02 (23:46):
Our pursuit of God and God's word is powerful
because look at how Jesuspursued us.
I'm reminded of Ephesians 5.29.
It says, after all, no one everhated their own body, but they
feed and they care for theirbody just as Christ does the
church.
You see, Christ didn't run fromus the sinner.
He came to earth to rescue us.
(24:07):
If you're going to love yourwife like Christ loved you, run
after her, not away from her.
SPEAKER_00 (24:16):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers, and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is a not-for-profitmarriage ministry designed to
bring God's encouraging truth tothe marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christ-like marriages includesproviding much-needed services
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donate yourtime or abilities, but would
like to help support Vows2Keepfinancially, visit
VowsToKeep.com and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.
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