March 3, 2025 • 24 mins
Overcoming Financial Struggles in Your Marriage :: [Ep. 258]
Struggling with finances in your marriage? You're not alone.
This episode takes a deep dive into how financial difficulties can affect relationships and we are providing guidance on how to foster unity amid monetary stressors.
In this episode, we are highlighting the following:
- Exploring the root of financial stress in marriages
- The importance of open communication regarding money
- Biblical stewardship
- Budgeting as a tool for unity in marriage
- Emotional tensions surrounding financial discussions
- Practical steps to nurture financial health in partnerships
Our hope is that you, the listener, will be equipped with actionable steps to transform financial discussions from a source of division into opportunities for growth! Join us today as we explore how to move beyond the fear of financial discussions and create a life filled with purpose, faith, and financial harmony!
P.S. Don't forget to subscribe and share this episode with those who might benefit from a fresh perspective on money in marriage!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
When was the last time you overheard a marriage in
stress Because finances weretight?
We're in a series on how tohelp a hurting marriage, and
money can be a big and sometimesfinal divider.
Finances aren't something wecan ignore in marriage.
You will run into people, likewe do, who will try.
(00:50):
However, they know the buy now,pay later mentality is a lie,
but in those lower moments oflife they'll take the risks.
Finances are personal, they'retouchy, and it can be tough to
have a conversation, especiallyone that we feel like we should
try to expand on, when a friendcomes and they're sharing the
(01:13):
pain they're feeling inside ahurting marriage, and finances
are the core topic.
Today, we hope to arm you withhow to do exactly that, how to
engage when someone comestalking about broken finances
and engaging in such a way thatthat topic is actually a way
that you can help a hurtingmarriage.
(01:35):
It can get heated, feelings canbe hurt.
Power struggles are the norm.
Hurting marriages with tensionabout money blow up.
When something new forces achange to the status quo, some
bill becomes due.
The checking account, however,is at zero.
A want used resources thatshould have been earmarked for a
(01:59):
need.
It's too late.
That need now can't be met.
This is when, in frustrationand panic, you'll find God
brings people to you to betaught to be shepherded.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
It's the one thing there never seems to be enough
of, and some studies show thatmoney issues account for 20% of
the divorces.
In our country, it's actuallyone of our favorite topics to
talk with a couple about,because God's word is so clear.
There are actionable answers towhat can feel like an
insurmountable problem.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
As someone who wants to help a hurting marriage.
When was the last time that youreally dug into the Bible to
review what God specificallycalls you to do with your money?
Today is that day wherebiblical stewardship will become
fresh on your mind.
Maybe it's to help you, maybeit's to help someone else, but
would you be able to turn ahopeless perspective from
(02:55):
someone's desperate marriageinto a chance to turn their
attention to God's word?
That's the goal In our own life.
I don't think we consider oftenenough the needs of future
seasons.
Are we generous givers?
Do we feel rich enough to beempowered in our own selfish
desires?
These are the kind of thingsthat too often we ignore.
We all need to keep biblicaltruths fresh in our minds so
(03:19):
that we can be God-honoring withour money and help others who
are struggling to actually seethe power of doing it God's way,
because when we manage ourmoney in biblical ways, it is
another way you can testify towhat God is up to Now.
If you would have asked us 20years ago about our budget and
our finances and how we viewedmoney, we would have said you
(03:42):
know, I don't think we see eyeto eye.
Tracy was a bit more of aspender and I was a bit more of
a saver, and these are twoattributes that don't
necessarily create oneness.
And if we would have stayed onthe path we were on, I think I
can honestly say I'm not sure ifVows to Keep Marriage
(04:03):
Ministries would be what it istoday.
God gave us this calling, andour financial picture, like
yours, affects your ability tofollow through with what he's
asked of you, whether you fightabout it daily or you just
surrender to agree to disagree.
How you manage money, how youmanage everything in your
marriage, plays a role in thelong-term success of your family
(04:24):
.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You might be like us.
Sometimes approached by someonewho's in that hurting marriage,
they're totally avoidingtalking about finances because
one of them is believing the liethat silence on this topic
equals peace, and we all knowthe result of that it's division
.
The couple we were working withwas months behind on paying
bills.
Playing whack-a-mole with thecollection agencies in isolation
(04:49):
was the result.
It was coming out in everyaspect of their lives.
Money was just where it wasundeniably visible outside their
home.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
Division like this is a killer, but if your goal is
to help a hurting marriage, letme encourage you.
The opposite is also true.
We've seen finances canstrangely be like a common
ground builder In counseling.
Of course we don't start here,but we never run from the
opportunity for money to drivetwo people into a common
(05:19):
obedience with God.
The result is these two peopleare on mission together and that
builds unity.
Issues with finances come up inother ways too.
We recently sat down with acouple and the wife's greatest
desire was to be home raisingher young kids, and her husband
really didn't like disagree withany of this but he made it very
(05:41):
clear this is not an option forone very important reason we do
not have the money for you tostay home Now.
This created some hurt for hiswife.
It also created a lot of hurtfor the husband.
Both couldn't understand whythe other didn't care more.
I think actually, both of themcared a lot, but what they
couldn't see was how to unitearound a common goal, how to get
(06:06):
biblical in their response.
Their fight was with each other.
What we actually found is theydidn't have a good read.
Neither of them had a good readon what the state of the state
was.
He knew every month they spent,every dime they made.
They didn't have any extra, butthey didn't have a budget.
So how did they really knowwhat the options were?
Speaker 2 (06:26):
The Bible uniquely identifies money as something
that we can serve or use toserve God, and there really is
no in between.
Jesus makes it clear in Matthew6, 24, when he says no one can
serve two masters.
Either you will hate the oneand love the other, or you'll be
devoted to the one and despisethe other.
You cannot serve both God andmoney.
(06:47):
This equation is super simpleIf you serve God together in
your marriage, you're going tobe unified.
If you serve money, you'regoing to be divided.
It's as simple as that.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
When someone comes to you in a hurting marriage, what
you're going to also hear ispeople bickering about who is in
control.
Financial control is one of themost divisive topics we see in
marriage, and hurting marriagesare fighting constantly for that
control.
A lot of times it's because oneof them makes more money and
the other one spends more money.
Scripture doesn't actually saywho should take out the garbage,
(07:23):
who should wash the dishes orwho should manage the money, but
it does say that we are to beworking as one for a kingdom
goal, and that is God's kingdom,not our kingdom.
If you find a marriage hurtingfrom the pain of fighting for
control, it's key to redefinethe parameters.
(07:44):
Should it be about pleasing you?
Should it be about pleasingyour spouse?
What about pleasing God?
You'll hear it from a friend,from a colleague, from your
sister-in-law.
My husband is in a fit of rage.
I am tired of being in thiscage that I'm kept in.
I'm so tired over all thefighting we do over money.
(08:05):
You, my friend, have just beenhanded a perfect opportunity.
It's right here.
It's right now.
In America, too many peoplehave bought into this lie that
I'll be happy when I spendThings.
Stuff becomes an idol.
And along the marriage journey,there is this spouse, there's
(08:26):
this husband who's watching themspend to obtain their idol, and
they watch them as theydiscover the reality of
short-term fulfillment over andover again.
It is exhausting to watch, butthe world does an amazing job of
making our financial sinsappear less selfish.
(08:46):
How many times have you heardsomeone say I just want my kids
to grow up in a saferneighborhood?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I don't want to have my kids fighting, so each kid
needs their own room.
We got to have that big housein that upscale neighborhood.
I'm not being selfish.
Hey, this is for my kids.
In reality, the house that willactually meet our needs as a
family rarely looks like theimage on TV, so we spend well
past what we can afford becausewe've bought into a lie.
Do you believe that your kidsare God's kids first?
(09:16):
If so, then understand.
God will provide.
Maybe sharing a room is exactlywhat they need.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
To help a hurting marriage.
It's worth it to ask yourfriend to create a list of ways
that they are justifyingpurchases which are going to put
them in debt, rather thanputting their desires at God's
feet and, in the meantime,faithfully managing their money
with a trust for God to provide.
(09:44):
So many Christians viewborrowing for a house or a car
as just fine, but okay.
Borrowing to buy a TV?
Yeah, that's probably going toofar.
There's this fuzzy line.
Romans 13.8 says Let no debtremain outstanding except the
continuing debt to love oneanother, for whoever loves
(10:06):
others has fulfilled the law.
What we see with couples thatwe counsel is that they keep
taking on financial obligations.
They keep buying and buying andbuying until they reach this
teetering point on their abilityto make the monthly payments.
Psalm 37, 21 says the wickedborrow and they never repay.
(10:26):
But the godly are generousgivers.
The minute a person goes intodebt, they lose a portion of
their freedom to be a generousgiver.
As Proverbs 22, 7 says, therich rules over the poor.
The borrow is a servant to thelender.
It's a hard verse to wrestlewith, but easy credit now makes
(10:52):
you uneasy later.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
At its root.
I think that when we don'tconsider our money as God's,
we're going to be tempted to useit as our own.
God has given us everything,including our family, including
our marriage, to be a steward of.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
So true, tracy.
Now maybe you won't hear fromthat spending wife, but rather
the hacked off husband who justwants to save it all.
These are the ones who areindignant.
In a silent pride In their headthey're saying praise God, I'm
not blowing it all like myspending wife.
Now, god's word is clear aboutbeing prepared for the future.
(11:29):
Saving is not wrong, but moneycan become an idol to those who
are using it for their security.
So many savers run on fear, andthey are actually in sin on
this topic.
So you have to ask yourself arethe financial goals you have
actually for a spiritualinvestment, or are they
(11:50):
providing for your security?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
According to Deuteronomy 14.23, one purpose
of budgeting is actually giving.
We who spend first see money asour own.
Those who give first trust Godas provider and see what they
have.
As His Proverbs 3.9-10 saysHonor the Lord with your wealth
and with the firstfruits of allyour crops, Then your barns will
be filled to overflowing andyour vats will brim over with
(12:15):
new wine.
In my experience, God isgenerous to those who are
generous for his kingdom.
I think a lot of us are seekingthat health and wealth.
Gospel.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
What God will give to them so they can enjoy the good
life here to this side ofheaven.
And I do think God gives to usbeyond our needs, but I think
he's watchful.
He even warns us about the idolthat we can build for ourselves
right here on earth.
Matthew 6, 19 says don't storeup treasures here on earth this
(12:46):
is directly addressing us whenmoths eat them, rust destroys
them, where thieves break in andsteal.
No, what we need to do is storeour treasures in heaven, where
moth and rust cannot destroy,where thieves don't break in and
steal Wherever your treasure is, this is where the desires of
your heart will also be.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows2keep will respond to youvia email and perhaps use it on
the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows2KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
I know this can be hard to put into practice.
I know this can be hard to talkto someone else about, so let's
get practical.
You might have to challengesomeone who can't believe their
spouse is living at large with afamily budget that their goal
maybe is to save for their kid'sfinancial future.
Meanwhile, they have notconsidered what their scriptural
(13:49):
responsibility is to be a giver, because you know what.
That's just as wrong.
Many savers are thinking abouttheir old age or thinking about
retirement before they've everthought about the needs in this
world for God's kingdom.
The purpose of thinkinglong-term certainly shouldn't be
lost on us, but we've got tocaution people to not view
(14:10):
retirement as this time tofinally indulge, because I don't
think we can find thatsupported in scripture.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
James 2.14 says what good is it, dear brothers and
sisters, if you say you havefaith but don't show it by your
actions?
Can that kind of faith saveanyone?
Suppose you see a brother orsister who has no food or
clothing and you say goodbye,have a great day, stay warm and
eat well, but then you don'tgive that person any food or
clothing.
What good does that do?
(14:42):
So you see, faith by itselfisn't enough.
Unless it produces good deeds,it's dead and useless.
Now someone may argue somepeople have faith, others have
good deeds.
But I say how can you show meyour faith if you don't have
good deeds?
I will show you my faith by mygood deeds.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
The two have got to run in parallel.
If I lack faith in God, I'm theguy who saves my money to
depend on myself.
I basically have no deedsbecause that requires generosity
that I'm not willing to let goof.
Now there are savers who run onfear and, as I said, they are
often in sin.
In this topic, there's anemotion that too often can
(15:14):
undermine your faith and cankeep you from doing financial
good deeds.
When anxiety about the futureis gripping someone, they lose
the ability to trust god fortheir needs, and this spans way
beyond money.
So your charge, if you want tohelp a hurting marriage, is to
dig together for biblical truthsthat show the power of
(15:37):
substituting faith for fear,recognizing that God is worthy
of their trust.
So some good homework questionsto ask someone in this position
what pain points is your viewof money causing for your spouse
?
What are you going to do aboutit?
What is God's word saying thatyou should be doing to overcome
(16:01):
your incorrect view on thistopic?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Here's some things to consider.
Am I being a good steward withwhat God's given me and what are
the things I'm doing with mymoney that God hasn't asked me
to do?
If you ask someone thesequestions and they fight back,
ask them to biblically defendtheir view of how they view
their finances.
What verses support theirstance?
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Here's a sign for you , as somebody who wants to help
a hurting marriage, and that isthat when we view our spouse as
an obstacle to our happiness,when the person you're speaking
with sees their spouse asnothing but an obstacle to their
happiness, when they noticethat their spouse is basically
standing in the way, this is asign that their heart needs to
(16:49):
change.
Now is the time to not focus onhow to please their spouse or
how to bring peace, but reallyto consider how do I please God?
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Often there is one spouse who wants the ability to
spend without input or controlof the other spouse, and this
starts a marriage towardsfinancial separation.
It's a leap toward a marriagein jeopardy.
In spite of all the secularadvice these days to live
financially independent, itdoesn't work.
God's design is for us to beone in every way and there's
(17:23):
great reasons for that.
We've never seen a marriagewith financial independence or
financial separation that hasled to real spiritual unity
Never.
If you're working with amarriage who's hurting
financially, here's some thingsto have them consider.
Have you made a choice in yourmarriage towards financial
autonomy?
Have you convinced yourselvesthat financial independence will
(17:46):
actually save you the hassle ofa fight?
Because, hey, you've got yours,I've got mine.
We don't tell each other whatto do, so there's no arguments.
Ask what do you do that isfinancially separating you from
each other and from God?
Ask hey, does one of you own acar separately?
Is this quote my house, becauseI bought it before we got
(18:08):
married?
Is that my retirement fund?
It's time to put all of thesethings to bed and start over on
fresh biblical ground.
Both people should be fullowner of every material
possession.
Both people should be aware andin pursuit of reducing debt.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
When two become one.
This needs to include ourfinances.
If you're trying to help ahurting marriage and the state
of the state is separation,build accountability.
Your friend needs to see thatthis isn't going to work and
now's the time to take steps toactually let two become one,
(18:47):
even if this is the way thatthey've always done it.
It's not too late to turnthings around.
To be one in the area offinances is going to change the
unity in so many other areas oftheir marriage.
Remember in 1st Timothy, chapter6, it says For the love of
money is a root of all kinds ofevils.
It is through this craving thatsome have wandered away from
(19:08):
the faith and pierced themselveswith many pangs.
Ecclesiastes 5 10 says he wholoves money will not be
satisfied with money, nor he wholoves wealth with his income.
How true does this verseresonate for us?
Every couple we know that'sfound themselves at the end of
(19:28):
the road in their marriage.
They have been focused on allof the wrong things.
The end is near in their eyes,but the issue is not about
making sure that your name is onthe title of all the cars and
that you own half the house.
The issue is not about makingsure that your name is not on
the credit card bills andgetting your name taken off of
(19:50):
those kind of things.
What we're really talking aboutis making sure that we make
issue and take issue with thefinancial sins that we hold
tightly to in our hearts.
In the United States, we make upthe top percentage of the
financial abilities in the world.
(20:10):
First, timothy 6 has anapplication for everyone who's
hearing my voice today.
It says teach those who arerich in this world not to be
proud, not to trust in theirmoney, because it's unreliable.
Their trust should be in God,who richly gives us all we need.
So tell them to use their moneyto do good.
(20:34):
That's what God's word isencouraging us who want to help
a hurting marriage right there.
Tell them to use their money todo good, that they should be
rich in good works and generousto those in need, always being
ready to share with others, andby doing this they will store
(20:54):
those treasures up in heaven asa good foundation for the future
.
People will come expressing thishurt, this agony, this ragged
edge of their financial picture,and what they don't realize is
that there are people all aroundthe world living in cardboard
boxes.
It's not nearly as bad as theythink it is.
Too many of us are strugglingto stay ahead of some credit
(21:17):
card debt that we've acquiredbecause we've not been
responsible, ahead of somecredit card debt that we've
acquired because we've not beenresponsible.
There's other people in thisworld who are just barely able
to live and I'm talking reallylive.
First, timothy 6 has got to giveus a compelling perspective
that we so desperately need whenit comes to money.
(21:38):
If you believe God has blessedyou, consider how well your
stewardship has aligned withwhat we've just heard.
It may be time to sit down withthat friend who's been
complaining about the financialdisconnect in their marriage and
have a heart-to-heart talk,asking them questions like what
are your goals?
Because you're guaranteed tohave disunity.
If you have different goals andif those goals don't line up
(21:59):
with God's word, you'reguaranteed to have disunity.
So what is the mostGod-honoring need?
Shouldn't we put those thingsfirst?
Do we have debt?
Do we give to those that are inneed?
Do we have margin for theunexpected?
Do we have a date fund?
Do we fundamentally have thefaith to trust God as our
(22:20):
family's provider?
In closing, another reallypractical way that you can help
a hurting marriage is to makesure that you help someone build
the most basic tool that everymarriage needs.
I'm talking about a budget, abudget that's built with a real
retrospective on the last threeto six months, A budget that
(22:41):
balances, a budget that breathes, that changes and adapts with
what the real needs are.
God was gracious enough to givetwo people in marriage each
other To complete his good work.
The charge that that hurtingmarriage has is to actually be a
good steward of what God hasgiven them, not only your money,
(23:04):
not only your health, not onlyyour life.
We've got to be careful to notlet the love of money ruin a
marriage.
Be united the way that God hasintended.
Philippians 4.19 has theencouragement we need to ponder
today.
My God shall supply all of yourneeds according to his riches
(23:25):
in glory by Christ Jesus.
Proverbs 8.20 adds I walk inthe way of righteousness along
the paths of justice, bestowinga rich inheritance on those who
love me and making theirtreasuries full as we seek God,
not for ourself.
We make financial decisions notfor an inheritance like a
(23:47):
bigger house or a new car.
The inheritance substance isway better than that.
It's long-term kingdom buildingtreasures.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Join us next week here on Vows to Keep Radio as we
continue in our series how toHelp a Hurting Marriage.
Next time, looking at thosemarriages that come to you for
help saying I'm done, where doyou go with them.
We're going to take a deep lookinto Romans 12 next week, right
here on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:38):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
When was the last time you overheard a marriage in
stress Because finances weretight?
We're in a series on how tohelp a hurting marriage, and
money can be a big and sometimesfinal divider.
Finances aren't something wecan ignore in marriage.
You will run into people, likewe do, who will try.
(00:50):
However, they know the buy now,pay later mentality is a lie,
but in those lower moments oflife they'll take the risks.
Finances are personal, they'retouchy, and it can be tough to
have a conversation, especiallyone that we feel like we should
try to expand on, when a friendcomes and they're sharing the
(01:13):
pain they're feeling inside ahurting marriage, and finances
are the core topic.
Today, we hope to arm you withhow to do exactly that, how to
engage when someone comestalking about broken finances
and engaging in such a way thatthat topic is actually a way
that you can help a hurtingmarriage.
(01:35):
It can get heated, feelings canbe hurt.
Power struggles are the norm.
Hurting marriages with tensionabout money blow up.
When something new forces achange to the status quo, some
bill becomes due.
The checking account, however,is at zero.
A want used resources thatshould have been earmarked for a
(01:59):
need.
It's too late.
That need now can't be met.
This is when, in frustrationand panic, you'll find God
brings people to you to betaught to be shepherded.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
It's the one thing there never seems to be enough
of, and some studies show thatmoney issues account for 20% of
the divorces.
In our country, it's actuallyone of our favorite topics to
talk with a couple about,because God's word is so clear.
There are actionable answers towhat can feel like an
insurmountable problem.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
As someone who wants to help a hurting marriage.
When was the last time that youreally dug into the Bible to
review what God specificallycalls you to do with your money?
Today is that day wherebiblical stewardship will become
fresh on your mind.
Maybe it's to help you, maybeit's to help someone else, but
would you be able to turn ahopeless perspective from
(02:55):
someone's desperate marriageinto a chance to turn their
attention to God's word?
That's the goal In our own life.
I don't think we consider oftenenough the needs of future
seasons.
Are we generous givers?
Do we feel rich enough to beempowered in our own selfish
desires?
These are the kind of thingsthat too often we ignore.
We all need to keep biblicaltruths fresh in our minds so
(03:19):
that we can be God-honoring withour money and help others who
are struggling to actually seethe power of doing it God's way,
because when we manage ourmoney in biblical ways, it is
another way you can testify towhat God is up to Now.
If you would have asked us 20years ago about our budget and
our finances and how we viewedmoney, we would have said you
(03:42):
know, I don't think we see eyeto eye.
Tracy was a bit more of aspender and I was a bit more of
a saver, and these are twoattributes that don't
necessarily create oneness.
And if we would have stayed onthe path we were on, I think I
can honestly say I'm not sure ifVows to Keep Marriage
(04:03):
Ministries would be what it istoday.
God gave us this calling, andour financial picture, like
yours, affects your ability tofollow through with what he's
asked of you, whether you fightabout it daily or you just
surrender to agree to disagree.
How you manage money, how youmanage everything in your
marriage, plays a role in thelong-term success of your family
(04:24):
.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You might be like us.
Sometimes approached by someonewho's in that hurting marriage,
they're totally avoidingtalking about finances because
one of them is believing the liethat silence on this topic
equals peace, and we all knowthe result of that it's division
.
The couple we were working withwas months behind on paying
bills.
Playing whack-a-mole with thecollection agencies in isolation
(04:49):
was the result.
It was coming out in everyaspect of their lives.
Money was just where it wasundeniably visible outside their
home.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
Division like this is a killer, but if your goal is
to help a hurting marriage, letme encourage you.
The opposite is also true.
We've seen finances canstrangely be like a common
ground builder In counseling.
Of course we don't start here,but we never run from the
opportunity for money to drivetwo people into a common
(05:19):
obedience with God.
The result is these two peopleare on mission together and that
builds unity.
Issues with finances come up inother ways too.
We recently sat down with acouple and the wife's greatest
desire was to be home raisingher young kids, and her husband
really didn't like disagree withany of this but he made it very
(05:41):
clear this is not an option forone very important reason we do
not have the money for you tostay home Now.
This created some hurt for hiswife.
It also created a lot of hurtfor the husband.
Both couldn't understand whythe other didn't care more.
I think actually, both of themcared a lot, but what they
couldn't see was how to unitearound a common goal, how to get
(06:06):
biblical in their response.
Their fight was with each other.
What we actually found is theydidn't have a good read.
Neither of them had a good readon what the state of the state
was.
He knew every month they spent,every dime they made.
They didn't have any extra, butthey didn't have a budget.
So how did they really knowwhat the options were?
Speaker 2 (06:26):
The Bible uniquely identifies money as something
that we can serve or use toserve God, and there really is
no in between.
Jesus makes it clear in Matthew6, 24, when he says no one can
serve two masters.
Either you will hate the oneand love the other, or you'll be
devoted to the one and despisethe other.
You cannot serve both God andmoney.
(06:47):
This equation is super simpleIf you serve God together in
your marriage, you're going tobe unified.
If you serve money, you'regoing to be divided.
It's as simple as that.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
When someone comes to you in a hurting marriage, what
you're going to also hear ispeople bickering about who is in
control.
Financial control is one of themost divisive topics we see in
marriage, and hurting marriagesare fighting constantly for that
control.
A lot of times it's because oneof them makes more money and
the other one spends more money.
Scripture doesn't actually saywho should take out the garbage,
(07:23):
who should wash the dishes orwho should manage the money, but
it does say that we are to beworking as one for a kingdom
goal, and that is God's kingdom,not our kingdom.
If you find a marriage hurtingfrom the pain of fighting for
control, it's key to redefinethe parameters.
(07:44):
Should it be about pleasing you?
Should it be about pleasingyour spouse?
What about pleasing God?
You'll hear it from a friend,from a colleague, from your
sister-in-law.
My husband is in a fit of rage.
I am tired of being in thiscage that I'm kept in.
I'm so tired over all thefighting we do over money.
(08:05):
You, my friend, have just beenhanded a perfect opportunity.
It's right here.
It's right now.
In America, too many peoplehave bought into this lie that
I'll be happy when I spendThings.
Stuff becomes an idol.
And along the marriage journey,there is this spouse, there's
(08:26):
this husband who's watching themspend to obtain their idol, and
they watch them as theydiscover the reality of
short-term fulfillment over andover again.
It is exhausting to watch, butthe world does an amazing job of
making our financial sinsappear less selfish.
(08:46):
How many times have you heardsomeone say I just want my kids
to grow up in a saferneighborhood?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I don't want to have my kids fighting, so each kid
needs their own room.
We got to have that big housein that upscale neighborhood.
I'm not being selfish.
Hey, this is for my kids.
In reality, the house that willactually meet our needs as a
family rarely looks like theimage on TV, so we spend well
past what we can afford becausewe've bought into a lie.
Do you believe that your kidsare God's kids first?
(09:16):
If so, then understand.
God will provide.
Maybe sharing a room is exactlywhat they need.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
To help a hurting marriage.
It's worth it to ask yourfriend to create a list of ways
that they are justifyingpurchases which are going to put
them in debt, rather thanputting their desires at God's
feet and, in the meantime,faithfully managing their money
with a trust for God to provide.
(09:44):
So many Christians viewborrowing for a house or a car
as just fine, but okay.
Borrowing to buy a TV?
Yeah, that's probably going toofar.
There's this fuzzy line.
Romans 13.8 says Let no debtremain outstanding except the
continuing debt to love oneanother, for whoever loves
(10:06):
others has fulfilled the law.
What we see with couples thatwe counsel is that they keep
taking on financial obligations.
They keep buying and buying andbuying until they reach this
teetering point on their abilityto make the monthly payments.
Psalm 37, 21 says the wickedborrow and they never repay.
(10:26):
But the godly are generousgivers.
The minute a person goes intodebt, they lose a portion of
their freedom to be a generousgiver.
As Proverbs 22, 7 says, therich rules over the poor.
The borrow is a servant to thelender.
It's a hard verse to wrestlewith, but easy credit now makes
(10:52):
you uneasy later.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
At its root.
I think that when we don'tconsider our money as God's,
we're going to be tempted to useit as our own.
God has given us everything,including our family, including
our marriage, to be a steward of.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
So true, tracy.
Now maybe you won't hear fromthat spending wife, but rather
the hacked off husband who justwants to save it all.
These are the ones who areindignant.
In a silent pride In their headthey're saying praise God, I'm
not blowing it all like myspending wife.
Now, god's word is clear aboutbeing prepared for the future.
(11:29):
Saving is not wrong, but moneycan become an idol to those who
are using it for their security.
So many savers run on fear, andthey are actually in sin on
this topic.
So you have to ask yourself arethe financial goals you have
actually for a spiritualinvestment, or are they
(11:50):
providing for your security?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
According to Deuteronomy 14.23, one purpose
of budgeting is actually giving.
We who spend first see money asour own.
Those who give first trust Godas provider and see what they
have.
As His Proverbs 3.9-10 saysHonor the Lord with your wealth
and with the firstfruits of allyour crops, Then your barns will
be filled to overflowing andyour vats will brim over with
(12:15):
new wine.
In my experience, God isgenerous to those who are
generous for his kingdom.
I think a lot of us are seekingthat health and wealth.
Gospel.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
What God will give to them so they can enjoy the good
life here to this side ofheaven.
And I do think God gives to usbeyond our needs, but I think
he's watchful.
He even warns us about the idolthat we can build for ourselves
right here on earth.
Matthew 6, 19 says don't storeup treasures here on earth this
(12:46):
is directly addressing us whenmoths eat them, rust destroys
them, where thieves break in andsteal.
No, what we need to do is storeour treasures in heaven, where
moth and rust cannot destroy,where thieves don't break in and
steal Wherever your treasure is, this is where the desires of
your heart will also be.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows2keep will respond to youvia email and perhaps use it on
the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows2KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
I know this can be hard to put into practice.
I know this can be hard to talkto someone else about, so let's
get practical.
You might have to challengesomeone who can't believe their
spouse is living at large with afamily budget that their goal
maybe is to save for their kid'sfinancial future.
Meanwhile, they have notconsidered what their scriptural
(13:49):
responsibility is to be a giver, because you know what.
That's just as wrong.
Many savers are thinking abouttheir old age or thinking about
retirement before they've everthought about the needs in this
world for God's kingdom.
The purpose of thinkinglong-term certainly shouldn't be
lost on us, but we've got tocaution people to not view
(14:10):
retirement as this time tofinally indulge, because I don't
think we can find thatsupported in scripture.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
James 2.14 says what good is it, dear brothers and
sisters, if you say you havefaith but don't show it by your
actions?
Can that kind of faith saveanyone?
Suppose you see a brother orsister who has no food or
clothing and you say goodbye,have a great day, stay warm and
eat well, but then you don'tgive that person any food or
clothing.
What good does that do?
(14:42):
So you see, faith by itselfisn't enough.
Unless it produces good deeds,it's dead and useless.
Now someone may argue somepeople have faith, others have
good deeds.
But I say how can you show meyour faith if you don't have
good deeds?
I will show you my faith by mygood deeds.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
The two have got to run in parallel.
If I lack faith in God, I'm theguy who saves my money to
depend on myself.
I basically have no deedsbecause that requires generosity
that I'm not willing to let goof.
Now there are savers who run onfear and, as I said, they are
often in sin.
In this topic, there's anemotion that too often can
(15:14):
undermine your faith and cankeep you from doing financial
good deeds.
When anxiety about the futureis gripping someone, they lose
the ability to trust god fortheir needs, and this spans way
beyond money.
So your charge, if you want tohelp a hurting marriage, is to
dig together for biblical truthsthat show the power of
(15:37):
substituting faith for fear,recognizing that God is worthy
of their trust.
So some good homework questionsto ask someone in this position
what pain points is your viewof money causing for your spouse
?
What are you going to do aboutit?
What is God's word saying thatyou should be doing to overcome
(16:01):
your incorrect view on thistopic?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Here's some things to consider.
Am I being a good steward withwhat God's given me and what are
the things I'm doing with mymoney that God hasn't asked me
to do?
If you ask someone thesequestions and they fight back,
ask them to biblically defendtheir view of how they view
their finances.
What verses support theirstance?
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Here's a sign for you , as somebody who wants to help
a hurting marriage, and that isthat when we view our spouse as
an obstacle to our happiness,when the person you're speaking
with sees their spouse asnothing but an obstacle to their
happiness, when they noticethat their spouse is basically
standing in the way, this is asign that their heart needs to
(16:49):
change.
Now is the time to not focus onhow to please their spouse or
how to bring peace, but reallyto consider how do I please God?
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Often there is one spouse who wants the ability to
spend without input or controlof the other spouse, and this
starts a marriage towardsfinancial separation.
It's a leap toward a marriagein jeopardy.
In spite of all the secularadvice these days to live
financially independent, itdoesn't work.
God's design is for us to beone in every way and there's
(17:23):
great reasons for that.
We've never seen a marriagewith financial independence or
financial separation that hasled to real spiritual unity
Never.
If you're working with amarriage who's hurting
financially, here's some thingsto have them consider.
Have you made a choice in yourmarriage towards financial
autonomy?
Have you convinced yourselvesthat financial independence will
(17:46):
actually save you the hassle ofa fight?
Because, hey, you've got yours,I've got mine.
We don't tell each other whatto do, so there's no arguments.
Ask what do you do that isfinancially separating you from
each other and from God?
Ask hey, does one of you own acar separately?
Is this quote my house, becauseI bought it before we got
(18:08):
married?
Is that my retirement fund?
It's time to put all of thesethings to bed and start over on
fresh biblical ground.
Both people should be fullowner of every material
possession.
Both people should be aware andin pursuit of reducing debt.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
When two become one.
This needs to include ourfinances.
If you're trying to help ahurting marriage and the state
of the state is separation,build accountability.
Your friend needs to see thatthis isn't going to work and
now's the time to take steps toactually let two become one,
(18:47):
even if this is the way thatthey've always done it.
It's not too late to turnthings around.
To be one in the area offinances is going to change the
unity in so many other areas oftheir marriage.
Remember in 1st Timothy, chapter6, it says For the love of
money is a root of all kinds ofevils.
It is through this craving thatsome have wandered away from
(19:08):
the faith and pierced themselveswith many pangs.
Ecclesiastes 5 10 says he wholoves money will not be
satisfied with money, nor he wholoves wealth with his income.
How true does this verseresonate for us?
Every couple we know that'sfound themselves at the end of
(19:28):
the road in their marriage.
They have been focused on allof the wrong things.
The end is near in their eyes,but the issue is not about
making sure that your name is onthe title of all the cars and
that you own half the house.
The issue is not about makingsure that your name is not on
the credit card bills andgetting your name taken off of
(19:50):
those kind of things.
What we're really talking aboutis making sure that we make
issue and take issue with thefinancial sins that we hold
tightly to in our hearts.
In the United States, we make upthe top percentage of the
financial abilities in the world.
(20:10):
First, timothy 6 has anapplication for everyone who's
hearing my voice today.
It says teach those who arerich in this world not to be
proud, not to trust in theirmoney, because it's unreliable.
Their trust should be in God,who richly gives us all we need.
So tell them to use their moneyto do good.
(20:34):
That's what God's word isencouraging us who want to help
a hurting marriage right there.
Tell them to use their money todo good, that they should be
rich in good works and generousto those in need, always being
ready to share with others, andby doing this they will store
(20:54):
those treasures up in heaven asa good foundation for the future
.
People will come expressing thishurt, this agony, this ragged
edge of their financial picture,and what they don't realize is
that there are people all aroundthe world living in cardboard
boxes.
It's not nearly as bad as theythink it is.
Too many of us are strugglingto stay ahead of some credit
(21:17):
card debt that we've acquiredbecause we've not been
responsible, ahead of somecredit card debt that we've
acquired because we've not beenresponsible.
There's other people in thisworld who are just barely able
to live and I'm talking reallylive.
First, timothy 6 has got to giveus a compelling perspective
that we so desperately need whenit comes to money.
(21:38):
If you believe God has blessedyou, consider how well your
stewardship has aligned withwhat we've just heard.
It may be time to sit down withthat friend who's been
complaining about the financialdisconnect in their marriage and
have a heart-to-heart talk,asking them questions like what
are your goals?
Because you're guaranteed tohave disunity.
If you have different goals andif those goals don't line up
(21:59):
with God's word, you'reguaranteed to have disunity.
So what is the mostGod-honoring need?
Shouldn't we put those thingsfirst?
Do we have debt?
Do we give to those that are inneed?
Do we have margin for theunexpected?
Do we have a date fund?
Do we fundamentally have thefaith to trust God as our
(22:20):
family's provider?
In closing, another reallypractical way that you can help
a hurting marriage is to makesure that you help someone build
the most basic tool that everymarriage needs.
I'm talking about a budget, abudget that's built with a real
retrospective on the last threeto six months, A budget that
(22:41):
balances, a budget that breathes, that changes and adapts with
what the real needs are.
God was gracious enough to givetwo people in marriage each
other To complete his good work.
The charge that that hurtingmarriage has is to actually be a
good steward of what God hasgiven them, not only your money,
(23:04):
not only your health, not onlyyour life.
We've got to be careful to notlet the love of money ruin a
marriage.
Be united the way that God hasintended.
Philippians 4.19 has theencouragement we need to ponder
today.
My God shall supply all of yourneeds according to his riches
(23:25):
in glory by Christ Jesus.
Proverbs 8.20 adds I walk inthe way of righteousness along
the paths of justice, bestowinga rich inheritance on those who
love me and making theirtreasuries full as we seek God,
not for ourself.
We make financial decisions notfor an inheritance like a
(23:47):
bigger house or a new car.
The inheritance substance isway better than that.
It's long-term kingdom buildingtreasures.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Join us next week here on Vows to Keep Radio as we
continue in our series how toHelp a Hurting Marriage.
Next time, looking at thosemarriages that come to you for
help saying I'm done, where doyou go with them.
We're going to take a deep lookinto Romans 12 next week, right
here on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:38):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
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