March 10, 2025 • 24 mins
This week's episode is a heartfelt exploration of the complexities surrounding marriages in crisis and revealing how God's truth can illuminate for us the path back to love and connection. We emphasize actionable ways to support friends or loved ones facing marital strife, steering them towards hope and healing.
In this episode, we will cover the following:
• Reflection on a spouse wanting out of the marriage
• Empowering couples to find truth amid emotional turmoil
• Practical steps from Romans 12 on love and service
• Importance of prayer, humility, and patience in marriage
• Discernment between feelings and God’s promises
• Ways to support a hurting marriage effectively
Join us on this journey as we explore how God's love transcends our circumstances and how through obedience and service, couples can reclaim their relationships. Don't miss it!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
We've been in an ongoing series on how to help a
hurting marriage.
Today we're focused on someonewho will come to you and say I
want out, I'm done with thismarriage, I can't take it
anymore.
Maybe you've heard things likewe fight constantly, we haven't
made love since.
I don't even know when Peopleare seeing through the charade.
(00:48):
We're no longer holding up thisfacade.
This isn't healthy for our kids.
We've tried everything.
We've gone to counseling.
It's not helping.
You know what?
I think she'd actually behappier without me.
I know I'd be happier withouther.
I know divorce is notnecessarily what God wants in an
ideal marriage, but I'mactually not sure that our
marriage is what God wanted tobegin with.
Or what I hear often is I don'tthink she actually wants to
(01:11):
make it work, so how could I?
It takes two to make thissuccessful.
In our situation.
There's only one of us whoreally cares.
All of these things you're goingto hear from friends and family
, co-workers, colleagues.
These are all statements I'veheard from couples, and every
single one of these statementsis based upon one thing how
someone feels about theirsituation.
(01:31):
You see, we can have a lot ofcorrect beliefs about God and
still allow our emotions to ruleus.
Maybe you've experienced this,like I have.
When you're trying to helpsomeone who's in a hurting
marriage, you have to be able toidentify those truthful lies we
tell ourselves.
It goes something like thisI've heard people say the truth
(01:52):
is, tomorrow the sun's stillgoing to rise and, no matter the
state of my marriage, life willgo on.
This, too will pass.
But the other truthful lie I'veheard is hey, I've accepted
Jesus as my savior.
I will be in heaven someday.
God is my provider, satan is myenemy.
Yeah, that's all true, but mymarriage has got no effect on my
eternity.
The truth, though, is that thetreasures that God says we're
(02:13):
storing up in heaven, therewards, those things that we
build when we build the kingdomof God, we can do that right
here and now, in our very ownhome, by showing truth and love
and grace, rather thanperpetuating the lies, showing
our wrath and forcing isolation.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
When desperation or emotions run high, thinking runs
low.
When our feelings are in charge, rash decisions are made, and
that desperate state of emotionsabout our marriage can cause us
to fall into believing thosetruthful lies.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Think about this.
God has made your friend'smarriage as this picture of his
undying love to the world.
God never desires divorcebecause he's in a covenant love
with you and me, your friend,and every person who witnesses
that marriage.
Our Christian response to ourspouse will make a greater
(03:05):
statement to the world about ourfaith and almost anything else
we will do, and especially whenwe're in a season of great
difficulty.
So what do we do when we feelall hope is gone?
What do we say to someone whofeels like their marriage is
over?
Well, the first thing you haveto do is really re-examine the
truths that they have placedtheir beliefs in.
(03:27):
What truths are they ignoring?
What things have they acceptedas true that are actually a lie?
Let me give you an example.
I spoke with a man here recently.
He had a couple children.
He had come to the conclusionme and my wife are just not
compatible.
Now, faith is not a factor inthis man's life.
The only thing that has reallyheld them together thus far is
this common burden they have forchildren that share their last
(03:48):
name.
This man is literallyexperiencing all of the emotions
that I think any would, andhe's come to the conclusion this
marriage is over and I want out, but he's got no hope because
he has no relationship with God,no ability to see what
redemption could look like ofbiblical proportions.
He has no call to biblicalstandards.
(04:10):
The worst feeling in the worldis that helpless feeling, like
I've got no clue where to gowith this person.
I don't know what to say at all.
God has given you a gift inthis very moment the opportunity
to share truth with someonewho's likely to actually be far
more receptive than you mightthink, and I want to encourage
(04:30):
you.
Romans is a great place to turnto start that conversation.
Romans, chapter 12, is a go-tochapter when we're talking with
someone who's at such a point ofuncertainty.
Now we're going to take sometime.
We're going to actually breakthis chapter down verse by verse
, and I hope that as we studythe Word of God today, you're
going to find it applicable notonly to your own life, but to
(04:51):
those friends and family andco-workers, those people that
you're going to intersect with,who will also find God's Word
delivers results.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
A lot of you are probably familiar with verse 1,
but maybe have never thought ofit in light of marriage before.
So let's do that right now.
Paul says I plead with you togive your bodies to God because
of all he has done for you.
Let them be a living and holysacrifice, the kind he will find
acceptable.
This is truly the way toworship him.
What a great way to start outthis chapter.
(05:21):
To be a sacrifice in the waythat Jesus was a sacrifice means
that we would give it all, thatwe would actually no longer be
living.
But that's not actually what heasks.
He's already been the perfectsacrifice.
He paid it all, so we don'thave to.
Then he gives us a commission.
In his example, jesus gave hislife for people who didn't
appreciate him, for people whocertainly weren't compatible
(05:44):
with their beliefs, people whoseactions were even cruel.
They were every bit as bad, ifnot worse, than your spouse.
He died for the people whocrucified him, who beat him, and
this is God's plea to us inRomans 12, that we would be in
such desire of worshiping him aswe sacrifice for our spouse, as
we love them the way Christwould, even when they don't
(06:04):
deserve it, that they would seehim in us when we're in the
throes of all-out war with ourspouse.
Let me tell you that is notwhat I feel like sacrificing
anything for David.
I feel just the opposite, and Ibet your friend does too.
But you'll see as we walkthrough this today that feelings
have to take a back seat toGod's word when you feel like
it's all over.
Don't run to your emotions.
(06:25):
Run to the throne of God.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Verse two is such a challenge, I think, in the
culture that we live in.
But let me read it out loud.
It's so important Don't copythe behavior and customs of this
world, but let God transformyou into a new person by
changing the way you think.
Then you'll learn to know God'swill for you, which is what so
many people in this very momentwant to know.
(06:50):
What is God's will?
Well, then you'll learn to knowGod's will for you, which is
good and pleasing and perfect.
You see, we can find all kindsof voices that tell us divorce
is right, it's a viable choice,that lusting for someone else is
maybe okay.
Now, because you're at oddswith your spouse, when my
marriage is on the rocks, it'sokay to seek satisfaction at my
(07:11):
own hands?
No, it's not, and you need tobe that voice of truth.
The world has convinced peoplethat it is no longer their life
purpose to love their spousewith everything they have, but
rather it should be the purposeof their spouse to love them
with everything that they haveand when they don't.
Well, now we've got thejustification to end it all.
(07:33):
It's those emotions that get usa time and time again, the
thoughts that gang up on ourmind that overrun the call to be
obedient to God, to love themost, actually when their spouse
deserves it the least.
The crazy thing is is when welook at this verse actually this
entire chapter we see it'sthere to teach us what we need
(07:54):
to know about God's will, a willthat doesn't box us into a
corner or make us just tap dancefor God's pleasure.
No, his will is for yourmarriage.
His will is for your friend'smarriage.
It's good, it's pleasing, it'sperfect.
And when we follow it, whenwe're humble enough to say, I
want to choose your way, god,not mine, results come.
(08:15):
But I think it's important toask ourselves and our friends
what is God's plan for ourmarriage in general, why did he
create it?
And then to specifically lookat what his plan is for my
marriage.
What does the world ask andtell me to do, and how does that
contrast with what God actuallysays in his word?
(08:35):
We shared a lot about that insome of our earlier broadcasts.
If you haven't been able tocatch them all, go to our
website VowsToKeepcom.
We'd encourage you to listen tothis whole how to Help a
Hurting Marriage series.
Verse 3 continues.
Because of the privilege andauthority that God has given me.
I give each of you this warningDon't think you're better than
(08:55):
you really are.
Be honest in your evaluation ofyourselves, measuring
yourselves by the faith that Godhas given us.
What we see is so often peoplethat come in a hurting marriage
are looking for justification.
They're looking for someone tocommiserate with, someone to say
, yeah, yeah, it really is over.
In fact, I get why you'retrying to do this.
(09:16):
Don't ever let that be you.
Too often they're looking forways to throw their spouse under
the bus, saying man, can youbelieve what she's done?
Can you believe what he's done?
They're in this dark place thatI can never retrieve them out
of.
I can't believe they'retreating me like this.
I can't believe they wouldstoop so low.
(09:37):
You see, what we're notrightfully considering in those
moments is the fact that, as amarried person, you're to be
used in the restoration of yourspouse for the rest of their
lives.
We have to be honest withourselves, recognizing that we
have our own set of weaknesses,and together we're probably not
weak in the same way.
That's God's design.
They're to hold up their spousewhen she's weak.
(09:58):
She's to hold up him when he'sweak.
It's not a time to look down onyou as if I've got no weakness
and judge you, because the truthis we both need the same Savior
.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
If that's where you or your friend find yourselves,
the place to start really ishumility and forgiveness.
You're going to have an awfullyhard time not looking down on
your spouse if you areself-righteous in any way and
haven't gone to your Saviorrecently and all the time asking
for his forgiveness, asking forhis help.
If you miss this step, lookingdown on your spouse for their
(10:32):
sin is going to be second nature.
It's going to be the thing thatcomes out of your mouth because
it's what's in your heart.
But before that ball can evenbegin to be pushed down the hill
, humility must be in place.
We can't be in a place wherewe're either seeking forgiveness
or trying to give it with eventhe smallest amount of pride.
Pride always trumps forgivenessand unity every single time.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Verse four goes on just as our bodies have many
parts and each part has aspecial function, so is it with
Christ's body.
We're many parts of one body.
We all belong to each other.
So you need to know, as someonewho's been sought out for help,
someone who's been sought outto hear the complaints of a
hurting marriage, that God hascreated each of us, not only
(11:15):
within our marriage but for thepurposes of the marriages that
are around us with a specialfunction.
In marriage, god actuallywishes us to function as one
husband and wife as one and wehave a special function together
that we don't actually have asindividuals.
So where someone's spouse isnot pulling their weight is
actually a place where, as aloving spouse, you're to step up
(11:37):
to say okay, you know, ideallyshe should be doing this, but my
goal should be to give her abreak, to give her an example of
what love looks like when it'sleast deserved.
It should never be to alienate.
It should never be to try tomake myself higher or mightier
or better because I'm picking upher weakness.
Verse six goes on in his grace,god has given us different
(12:00):
gifts for doing certain thingswell.
So if your gift is servingothers, serve them well.
If you're a teacher, teach themwell.
If your gift is to encourageothers, be encouraging.
If it's giving, give generously.
If God has given you leadership, take the responsibility
seriously.
And if you have a gift forshowing kindness to others, do
it gladly.
These verses direct us to useour gift for God's glory and for
(12:24):
other people's gain Inmarriages that are nearing the
end.
Too often we find is thatsomeone has never even thought
about if they're a believer.
They've never even thoughtabout the fact that the
spiritual gifts that God hasgiven them should be exercised
within their very own four walls.
When someone is at the end oftheir marriage, these verses
(12:45):
just get disregarded.
So you want to help out afailing marriage?
Watch your spouse's reaction.
When you give generously, whenyou encourage, when you serve
diligently, when you lead withhumility, when you teach your
children biblical principles,when you speak out about the
faith that you have in God, whenyour kindness well surpasses
(13:06):
someone else's mistakes, whensomeone sees a heart that's soft
, that's teachable under God'shand, they see a heart they want
to be near to.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Now we get into the thick of it here in Romans 12,
verse 9.
Don't just pretend to loveothers.
God's word says Really lovethem.
Hate what is wrong, holdtightly to what is good.
I can't tell you how many timesI've given kinder words to a
stranger and given angry wordsto the man I love.
It's easy to smile at astranger because they haven't
(13:37):
heard us, but people are whothey really are when they think
no one is watching.
Pretending stops when we openour front door.
That's when we have to holdtightly to what is good for our
marriage and stop giving lipservice.
When we say those three littlewords I love you, we've got to
have the action to back it up.
So think about it.
(13:57):
What says love to your spouse?
Ask your friend that question.
And that leads us straight intoverse 10 of Romans 12, love in
action.
It says love each other withgenuine affection and take
delight in honoring each other.
Genuine affection looksdifferent for different people.
I am a quality time kind ofgirl.
Sitting beside me, talking withme about something spells love
(14:20):
to me.
David is like most men.
Physical touch says love to him.
And this verse talks about honor.
Honor comes when we reveresomeone.
When we feel like giving up, wetend to make our spouse wait
until they're 100% perfect tosay anything that would honor
them for what they're doingright.
And since we're sitting in aplace of judgment, those moments
never come.
(14:40):
Therefore, we never give ourspouse the love and the honor
that they so desperately desire.
So let's work hard, serving theLord enthusiastically.
Let's never be lazy.
In fact, that's exactly whatverse 11 says.
And, woo-wee, I would neverwant to put myself into that
lazy category.
We're over here defending ouractions based upon how our
(15:02):
spouse is treating us, butreally I am lazy when it comes
to serving the Lord.
By loving my spouse, I give mytime and my energy to other
things, and sometimes, at theend of the day, I don't have
anything left to invest.
I can be lazy when it comes toserving.
I can grumble about the costthat comes to me.
So, god, we're really going toneed your help on this one.
Make our enthusiasm for you,lord, visible in those daily
(15:26):
deposits that you're asking usto make in our marriages.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Verse 12 goes on rejoice in our confident hope,
be patient in trouble and keepon praying when someone comes to
you at the end of theirmarriage wanting out of it all.
Now is the time to be patient,and prayer is clearly the best
posture.
So often I'm reminded of howhard it is, as Christians, to
pray together.
(15:49):
Inside of our marriage weshould be praying together, but
as someone who's on the outside,that is something you too
should be reaching for.
If your spouse is having amoment of weakness, stop her
right there and pray with her.
Pray for her, pray out loud.
There's a couple of themes Iwant to wrap up with here today
on Basky Radio, there are someinstructions that are given in
(16:10):
verse 13, verse 15, 16, and 18.
And those verses read like thiswhen God's people are in need,
be ready to help them.
Always be eager to practicehospitality.
Be happy with those who arehappy.
Weep with those who weep.
Do all that you can to live inpeace with everyone.
These verses are so powerfulbecause they're really spoken to
(16:32):
you and to I, someone who wantsto help a hurting marriage,
someone who needs to be ready togo and step beside someone,
maybe even weep beside someoneyou see, hearing stories of a
hurting marriage oftentimes isdifficult, simply because we
either A don't know how to helpthem or, b we're appalled by
(16:52):
what they're saying.
It is, in fact, very, veryterrible to hear someone's tale
of woe, but now's the time whereyou have to shift gears and
really think practically abouttheir needs.
Too often we're focused on thefailures.
We look with them about whattheir spouse owes them in this
situation, and this verse isbasically saying you need to set
(17:12):
your feelings aside.
You need to look at what thereal need in that marriage is.
When was the last time thatthey really saw their spouse as
a child of God?
Is she frustrated with the kids?
And she comes and vents to thathusband, much to his annoyance.
Don't miss the opportunity here.
Verse 15 says to weep with thosewho weep.
(17:33):
You need to be that husband whohears her.
Verse 13 says to help withreadiness.
Be the guy who would maybe giveher a break from the kids.
Fill up the bathtub, light thecandle, take the kids on a walk
around the neighborhood, giveher 30 minutes.
There's so many ways that youcan serve when your emotions
aren't lying to you, telling youto do the exact opposite,
(17:55):
because obedience to God's wordbrings fruit.
Romans 12 is a powerful chapterspeaking on such practical
levels.
Verse 16 goes on to say Live inharmony with each other, don't
be too proud to enjoy thecompany of ordinary people and
don't think you know it all.
This is again speaking to youas the observer of the hurting
(18:19):
marriage, and to you who mightbe in a hurting marriage,
because 16 is telling us we needto be about unity.
What actions does your friendneed to follow through with this
week?
Help them make a list, be theiraccountability partner for
those things.
Check in with them.
Ask them you know, two, threedays from now how's it going?
Where do you need more truth?
(18:40):
Where do you need more prayer?
We're going to finish up withthese final thoughts from Romans
12 today.
It says bless those whopersecute you, don't curse them.
Pray that God will bless them.
Not an easy thing to do.
Verse 17 says never pay backevil with more evil.
Do things in such a way thateveryone can see you are
honorable.
19, dear friends, never takerevenge.
(19:03):
Leave that to God.
And verse 20 says if yourenemies are hungry, feed them.
If they're thirsty, give themsomething to drink.
In doing this, you will keepburning coals of shame on their
heads.
Don't let evil conquer you, butconquer evil by doing good.
We hope that you've seen thevalue of Romans 12 today as you
(19:25):
open up God's word with a friend.
If you're at the end of yourrope in your own marriage,
romans 12 has got the ability togive direction.
It has the ability to serve asan encouragement, and
confidently.
We know if we apply this to ourmarriage, if your friend
applies this to his marriage orto her marriage, change will
happen.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
God is stirring many hearts on this topic of helping
a hurting marriage All around us, in our world, our nation, even
your own street or in your ownfamily.
You see the need.
You see that the world's way ofdefining and handling marriage
issues isn't working.
Recently we've had the chanceto talk with many people who are
stepping forward in obedience,saying yes, lord, I am willing
(20:05):
to be used in people's lives, intheir marriages, to meet them
right where they're hurting.
In Isaiah, chapter 6, we hearthe famous words from the
prophet Isaiah Lord, here I am,send me.
But for Isaiah it wasn't adeclaration of hey, I've got
this all together as he beatshis chest in pride.
It was just the opposite, infact.
Right before he makes himselfavailable to God to be used by
(20:27):
him, he's saying woe is me, forI am lost.
I am a man of unclean lips andI dwell in the midst of a people
of unclean lips.
We feel that way too.
We live in a lost and fallenworld.
We not only dwell among peoplewho are fallen, we are fallen,
we're in that group who's lost.
But I love what God does next.
He actually agrees with IsaiahYep, you're lost, you're unclean
(20:51):
.
And then he beckons Isaiahcloser.
Let me cleanse you.
I'm the one who can qualify youto do my work, and God can do
that for you if you ask him.
Not only can he save you andmake you a useful vessel for him
to speak his word of truth topeople, he can equip you to do
so.
Speak his word of truth topeople.
He can equip you to do so.
As soon as Isaiah says, yes,lord, hear my, send me.
(21:12):
God tells him exactly what todo and what to say.
God's not going to call you tospeak his word to a hurting
marriage and then ask you to useyour own words to just make it
up as you go.
He's not only given you theBible, he's given you the Holy
Spirit to help you remember whatHis word says and the
conviction of the Holy Spirit tohelp you apply it not only in
(21:32):
your own marriage, but to amarriage that comes to you
hurting.
So here's a caution for youtoday If you feel God pulling at
your heartstrings to step upand say yes, don't discount
yourself because you aren'tqualified.
I see the prophet Jeremiahdoing that in Jeremiah, chapter
1.
God says Now, the Almighty Godhas just spoken.
(21:59):
And then here's Jeremiah'sresponse Sovereign Lord, I don't
know how to speak, I'm tooyoung.
But God says Don't say I'm tooyoung.
You must go to everyone I sendyou to and say whatever I
command you, don't be afraid ofthem, for I am with you and I
will rescue you, declares theLord.
Then the Lord reached out hishand and touched my mouth and
said to me I've put my words inyour mouth.
(22:20):
Just a couple of days ago, davidand I got to sit down for
several hours with a couple whosaid you know, I think we're
about ready to say yes.
They had felt the call for sometime to help a hurting marriage
and they chose to put theirfears and their questions and
their misgivings aside and stepup to the front lines.
We talked in depth with themabout the training that we've
received through the Associationof Certified Biblical
(22:42):
Counselors.
We talked about a couple whomentored us through that process
and it was amazing to sitacross the dining room table and
just see the spark of light intheir eyes as they considered
what this could look like.
But what they can't see rightnow, what you can't see right
now, is the line of people whoare going to be waiting to speak
to you in heaven.
Those arms are going to bewrapped around you.
(23:03):
Of the marriages that you'vehelped, the outcome, the fruit
of God's word spoken at just theright time when someone needed
to hear it the most.
I think we're going to beabsolutely blown away when we
get to eternity and see theresult of our obedience.
God is mighty enough to takeour little, tiny, even
begrudging acts of obedience andturn them into something bigger
(23:23):
than we could have everimagined.
Right now, we're working with acouple who has two young boys
and their marriage is on therocks.
Without follow-through of God'scommands and His words, their
marriage could very well be over.
What if you were the couplethat walked beside someone like
this, mentoring them, disciplingthem, and not because you know
it all, but because you said yesand you know the one who does
(23:45):
know it all?
What if those boys grew up in ahome where their parents not
only stayed together but had agodly marriage?
The results are going to beeternal.
Pray about it and if God istugging your heart in this
direction, step forward.
Say yes, lord, here am I.
Send me.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though
one of my favorite things to dois read a good book.
Fiction with a purpose allowsyou to journey with the
characters and come out on theother side changed more into the
image of Christ.
And that's exactly what I wantfor you as you read my trilogy
Roots Run Deep.
These historical romances arefun and fast paced, but I also
(24:43):
know that as you turn that lastpage, your heart will be changed
because you'll know more deeplyyour Heavenly Father's heart
for you.
Go to deeply your HeavenlyFather's heart for you.
Go to VowsToKeepcom for all thedetails.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of
Zanesfield, Ohio.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
We've been in an ongoing series on how to help a
hurting marriage.
Today we're focused on someonewho will come to you and say I
want out, I'm done with thismarriage, I can't take it
anymore.
Maybe you've heard things likewe fight constantly, we haven't
made love since.
I don't even know when Peopleare seeing through the charade.
(00:48):
We're no longer holding up thisfacade.
This isn't healthy for our kids.
We've tried everything.
We've gone to counseling.
It's not helping.
You know what?
I think she'd actually behappier without me.
I know I'd be happier withouther.
I know divorce is notnecessarily what God wants in an
ideal marriage, but I'mactually not sure that our
marriage is what God wanted tobegin with.
Or what I hear often is I don'tthink she actually wants to
(01:11):
make it work, so how could I?
It takes two to make thissuccessful.
In our situation.
There's only one of us whoreally cares.
All of these things you're goingto hear from friends and family
, co-workers, colleagues.
These are all statements I'veheard from couples, and every
single one of these statementsis based upon one thing how
someone feels about theirsituation.
(01:31):
You see, we can have a lot ofcorrect beliefs about God and
still allow our emotions to ruleus.
Maybe you've experienced this,like I have.
When you're trying to helpsomeone who's in a hurting
marriage, you have to be able toidentify those truthful lies we
tell ourselves.
It goes something like thisI've heard people say the truth
(01:52):
is, tomorrow the sun's stillgoing to rise and, no matter the
state of my marriage, life willgo on.
This, too will pass.
But the other truthful lie I'veheard is hey, I've accepted
Jesus as my savior.
I will be in heaven someday.
God is my provider, satan is myenemy.
Yeah, that's all true, but mymarriage has got no effect on my
eternity.
The truth, though, is that thetreasures that God says we're
(02:13):
storing up in heaven, therewards, those things that we
build when we build the kingdomof God, we can do that right
here and now, in our very ownhome, by showing truth and love
and grace, rather thanperpetuating the lies, showing
our wrath and forcing isolation.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
When desperation or emotions run high, thinking runs
low.
When our feelings are in charge, rash decisions are made, and
that desperate state of emotionsabout our marriage can cause us
to fall into believing thosetruthful lies.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Think about this.
God has made your friend'smarriage as this picture of his
undying love to the world.
God never desires divorcebecause he's in a covenant love
with you and me, your friend,and every person who witnesses
that marriage.
Our Christian response to ourspouse will make a greater
(03:05):
statement to the world about ourfaith and almost anything else
we will do, and especially whenwe're in a season of great
difficulty.
So what do we do when we feelall hope is gone?
What do we say to someone whofeels like their marriage is
over?
Well, the first thing you haveto do is really re-examine the
truths that they have placedtheir beliefs in.
(03:27):
What truths are they ignoring?
What things have they acceptedas true that are actually a lie?
Let me give you an example.
I spoke with a man here recently.
He had a couple children.
He had come to the conclusionme and my wife are just not
compatible.
Now, faith is not a factor inthis man's life.
The only thing that has reallyheld them together thus far is
this common burden they have forchildren that share their last
(03:48):
name.
This man is literallyexperiencing all of the emotions
that I think any would, andhe's come to the conclusion this
marriage is over and I want out, but he's got no hope because
he has no relationship with God,no ability to see what
redemption could look like ofbiblical proportions.
He has no call to biblicalstandards.
(04:10):
The worst feeling in the worldis that helpless feeling, like
I've got no clue where to gowith this person.
I don't know what to say at all.
God has given you a gift inthis very moment the opportunity
to share truth with someonewho's likely to actually be far
more receptive than you mightthink, and I want to encourage
(04:30):
you.
Romans is a great place to turnto start that conversation.
Romans, chapter 12, is a go-tochapter when we're talking with
someone who's at such a point ofuncertainty.
Now we're going to take sometime.
We're going to actually breakthis chapter down verse by verse
, and I hope that as we studythe Word of God today, you're
going to find it applicable notonly to your own life, but to
(04:51):
those friends and family andco-workers, those people that
you're going to intersect with,who will also find God's Word
delivers results.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
A lot of you are probably familiar with verse 1,
but maybe have never thought ofit in light of marriage before.
So let's do that right now.
Paul says I plead with you togive your bodies to God because
of all he has done for you.
Let them be a living and holysacrifice, the kind he will find
acceptable.
This is truly the way toworship him.
What a great way to start outthis chapter.
(05:21):
To be a sacrifice in the waythat Jesus was a sacrifice means
that we would give it all, thatwe would actually no longer be
living.
But that's not actually what heasks.
He's already been the perfectsacrifice.
He paid it all, so we don'thave to.
Then he gives us a commission.
In his example, jesus gave hislife for people who didn't
appreciate him, for people whocertainly weren't compatible
(05:44):
with their beliefs, people whoseactions were even cruel.
They were every bit as bad, ifnot worse, than your spouse.
He died for the people whocrucified him, who beat him, and
this is God's plea to us inRomans 12, that we would be in
such desire of worshiping him aswe sacrifice for our spouse, as
we love them the way Christwould, even when they don't
(06:04):
deserve it, that they would seehim in us when we're in the
throes of all-out war with ourspouse.
Let me tell you that is notwhat I feel like sacrificing
anything for David.
I feel just the opposite, and Ibet your friend does too.
But you'll see as we walkthrough this today that feelings
have to take a back seat toGod's word when you feel like
it's all over.
Don't run to your emotions.
(06:25):
Run to the throne of God.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Verse two is such a challenge, I think, in the
culture that we live in.
But let me read it out loud.
It's so important Don't copythe behavior and customs of this
world, but let God transformyou into a new person by
changing the way you think.
Then you'll learn to know God'swill for you, which is what so
many people in this very momentwant to know.
(06:50):
What is God's will?
Well, then you'll learn to knowGod's will for you, which is
good and pleasing and perfect.
You see, we can find all kindsof voices that tell us divorce
is right, it's a viable choice,that lusting for someone else is
maybe okay.
Now, because you're at oddswith your spouse, when my
marriage is on the rocks, it'sokay to seek satisfaction at my
(07:11):
own hands?
No, it's not, and you need tobe that voice of truth.
The world has convinced peoplethat it is no longer their life
purpose to love their spousewith everything they have, but
rather it should be the purposeof their spouse to love them
with everything that they haveand when they don't.
Well, now we've got thejustification to end it all.
(07:33):
It's those emotions that get usa time and time again, the
thoughts that gang up on ourmind that overrun the call to be
obedient to God, to love themost, actually when their spouse
deserves it the least.
The crazy thing is is when welook at this verse actually this
entire chapter we see it'sthere to teach us what we need
(07:54):
to know about God's will, a willthat doesn't box us into a
corner or make us just tap dancefor God's pleasure.
No, his will is for yourmarriage.
His will is for your friend'smarriage.
It's good, it's pleasing, it'sperfect.
And when we follow it, whenwe're humble enough to say, I
want to choose your way, god,not mine, results come.
(08:15):
But I think it's important toask ourselves and our friends
what is God's plan for ourmarriage in general, why did he
create it?
And then to specifically lookat what his plan is for my
marriage.
What does the world ask andtell me to do, and how does that
contrast with what God actuallysays in his word?
(08:35):
We shared a lot about that insome of our earlier broadcasts.
If you haven't been able tocatch them all, go to our
website VowsToKeepcom.
We'd encourage you to listen tothis whole how to Help a
Hurting Marriage series.
Verse 3 continues.
Because of the privilege andauthority that God has given me.
I give each of you this warningDon't think you're better than
(08:55):
you really are.
Be honest in your evaluation ofyourselves, measuring
yourselves by the faith that Godhas given us.
What we see is so often peoplethat come in a hurting marriage
are looking for justification.
They're looking for someone tocommiserate with, someone to say
, yeah, yeah, it really is over.
In fact, I get why you'retrying to do this.
(09:16):
Don't ever let that be you.
Too often they're looking forways to throw their spouse under
the bus, saying man, can youbelieve what she's done?
Can you believe what he's done?
They're in this dark place thatI can never retrieve them out
of.
I can't believe they'retreating me like this.
I can't believe they wouldstoop so low.
(09:37):
You see, what we're notrightfully considering in those
moments is the fact that, as amarried person, you're to be
used in the restoration of yourspouse for the rest of their
lives.
We have to be honest withourselves, recognizing that we
have our own set of weaknesses,and together we're probably not
weak in the same way.
That's God's design.
They're to hold up their spousewhen she's weak.
(09:58):
She's to hold up him when he'sweak.
It's not a time to look down onyou as if I've got no weakness
and judge you, because the truthis we both need the same Savior
.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
If that's where you or your friend find yourselves,
the place to start really ishumility and forgiveness.
You're going to have an awfullyhard time not looking down on
your spouse if you areself-righteous in any way and
haven't gone to your Saviorrecently and all the time asking
for his forgiveness, asking forhis help.
If you miss this step, lookingdown on your spouse for their
(10:32):
sin is going to be second nature.
It's going to be the thing thatcomes out of your mouth because
it's what's in your heart.
But before that ball can evenbegin to be pushed down the hill
, humility must be in place.
We can't be in a place wherewe're either seeking forgiveness
or trying to give it with eventhe smallest amount of pride.
Pride always trumps forgivenessand unity every single time.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Verse four goes on just as our bodies have many
parts and each part has aspecial function, so is it with
Christ's body.
We're many parts of one body.
We all belong to each other.
So you need to know, as someonewho's been sought out for help,
someone who's been sought outto hear the complaints of a
hurting marriage, that God hascreated each of us, not only
(11:15):
within our marriage but for thepurposes of the marriages that
are around us with a specialfunction.
In marriage, god actuallywishes us to function as one
husband and wife as one and wehave a special function together
that we don't actually have asindividuals.
So where someone's spouse isnot pulling their weight is
actually a place where, as aloving spouse, you're to step up
(11:37):
to say okay, you know, ideallyshe should be doing this, but my
goal should be to give her abreak, to give her an example of
what love looks like when it'sleast deserved.
It should never be to alienate.
It should never be to try tomake myself higher or mightier
or better because I'm picking upher weakness.
Verse six goes on in his grace,god has given us different
(12:00):
gifts for doing certain thingswell.
So if your gift is servingothers, serve them well.
If you're a teacher, teach themwell.
If your gift is to encourageothers, be encouraging.
If it's giving, give generously.
If God has given you leadership, take the responsibility
seriously.
And if you have a gift forshowing kindness to others, do
it gladly.
These verses direct us to useour gift for God's glory and for
(12:24):
other people's gain Inmarriages that are nearing the
end.
Too often we find is thatsomeone has never even thought
about if they're a believer.
They've never even thoughtabout the fact that the
spiritual gifts that God hasgiven them should be exercised
within their very own four walls.
When someone is at the end oftheir marriage, these verses
(12:45):
just get disregarded.
So you want to help out afailing marriage?
Watch your spouse's reaction.
When you give generously, whenyou encourage, when you serve
diligently, when you lead withhumility, when you teach your
children biblical principles,when you speak out about the
faith that you have in God, whenyour kindness well surpasses
(13:06):
someone else's mistakes, whensomeone sees a heart that's soft
, that's teachable under God'shand, they see a heart they want
to be near to.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Now we get into the thick of it here in Romans 12,
verse 9.
Don't just pretend to loveothers.
God's word says Really lovethem.
Hate what is wrong, holdtightly to what is good.
I can't tell you how many timesI've given kinder words to a
stranger and given angry wordsto the man I love.
It's easy to smile at astranger because they haven't
(13:37):
heard us, but people are whothey really are when they think
no one is watching.
Pretending stops when we openour front door.
That's when we have to holdtightly to what is good for our
marriage and stop giving lipservice.
When we say those three littlewords I love you, we've got to
have the action to back it up.
So think about it.
(13:57):
What says love to your spouse?
Ask your friend that question.
And that leads us straight intoverse 10 of Romans 12, love in
action.
It says love each other withgenuine affection and take
delight in honoring each other.
Genuine affection looksdifferent for different people.
I am a quality time kind ofgirl.
Sitting beside me, talking withme about something spells love
(14:20):
to me.
David is like most men.
Physical touch says love to him.
And this verse talks about honor.
Honor comes when we reveresomeone.
When we feel like giving up, wetend to make our spouse wait
until they're 100% perfect tosay anything that would honor
them for what they're doingright.
And since we're sitting in aplace of judgment, those moments
never come.
(14:40):
Therefore, we never give ourspouse the love and the honor
that they so desperately desire.
So let's work hard, serving theLord enthusiastically.
Let's never be lazy.
In fact, that's exactly whatverse 11 says.
And, woo-wee, I would neverwant to put myself into that
lazy category.
We're over here defending ouractions based upon how our
(15:02):
spouse is treating us, butreally I am lazy when it comes
to serving the Lord.
By loving my spouse, I give mytime and my energy to other
things, and sometimes, at theend of the day, I don't have
anything left to invest.
I can be lazy when it comes toserving.
I can grumble about the costthat comes to me.
So, god, we're really going toneed your help on this one.
Make our enthusiasm for you,lord, visible in those daily
(15:26):
deposits that you're asking usto make in our marriages.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Verse 12 goes on rejoice in our confident hope,
be patient in trouble and keepon praying when someone comes to
you at the end of theirmarriage wanting out of it all.
Now is the time to be patient,and prayer is clearly the best
posture.
So often I'm reminded of howhard it is, as Christians, to
pray together.
(15:49):
Inside of our marriage weshould be praying together, but
as someone who's on the outside,that is something you too
should be reaching for.
If your spouse is having amoment of weakness, stop her
right there and pray with her.
Pray for her, pray out loud.
There's a couple of themes Iwant to wrap up with here today
on Basky Radio, there are someinstructions that are given in
(16:10):
verse 13, verse 15, 16, and 18.
And those verses read like thiswhen God's people are in need,
be ready to help them.
Always be eager to practicehospitality.
Be happy with those who arehappy.
Weep with those who weep.
Do all that you can to live inpeace with everyone.
These verses are so powerfulbecause they're really spoken to
(16:32):
you and to I, someone who wantsto help a hurting marriage,
someone who needs to be ready togo and step beside someone,
maybe even weep beside someoneyou see, hearing stories of a
hurting marriage oftentimes isdifficult, simply because we
either A don't know how to helpthem or, b we're appalled by
(16:52):
what they're saying.
It is, in fact, very, veryterrible to hear someone's tale
of woe, but now's the time whereyou have to shift gears and
really think practically abouttheir needs.
Too often we're focused on thefailures.
We look with them about whattheir spouse owes them in this
situation, and this verse isbasically saying you need to set
(17:12):
your feelings aside.
You need to look at what thereal need in that marriage is.
When was the last time thatthey really saw their spouse as
a child of God?
Is she frustrated with the kids?
And she comes and vents to thathusband, much to his annoyance.
Don't miss the opportunity here.
Verse 15 says to weep with thosewho weep.
(17:33):
You need to be that husband whohears her.
Verse 13 says to help withreadiness.
Be the guy who would maybe giveher a break from the kids.
Fill up the bathtub, light thecandle, take the kids on a walk
around the neighborhood, giveher 30 minutes.
There's so many ways that youcan serve when your emotions
aren't lying to you, telling youto do the exact opposite,
(17:55):
because obedience to God's wordbrings fruit.
Romans 12 is a powerful chapterspeaking on such practical
levels.
Verse 16 goes on to say Live inharmony with each other, don't
be too proud to enjoy thecompany of ordinary people and
don't think you know it all.
This is again speaking to youas the observer of the hurting
(18:19):
marriage, and to you who mightbe in a hurting marriage,
because 16 is telling us we needto be about unity.
What actions does your friendneed to follow through with this
week?
Help them make a list, be theiraccountability partner for
those things.
Check in with them.
Ask them you know, two, threedays from now how's it going?
Where do you need more truth?
(18:40):
Where do you need more prayer?
We're going to finish up withthese final thoughts from Romans
12 today.
It says bless those whopersecute you, don't curse them.
Pray that God will bless them.
Not an easy thing to do.
Verse 17 says never pay backevil with more evil.
Do things in such a way thateveryone can see you are
honorable.
19, dear friends, never takerevenge.
(19:03):
Leave that to God.
And verse 20 says if yourenemies are hungry, feed them.
If they're thirsty, give themsomething to drink.
In doing this, you will keepburning coals of shame on their
heads.
Don't let evil conquer you, butconquer evil by doing good.
We hope that you've seen thevalue of Romans 12 today as you
(19:25):
open up God's word with a friend.
If you're at the end of yourrope in your own marriage,
romans 12 has got the ability togive direction.
It has the ability to serve asan encouragement, and
confidently.
We know if we apply this to ourmarriage, if your friend
applies this to his marriage orto her marriage, change will
happen.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
God is stirring many hearts on this topic of helping
a hurting marriage All around us, in our world, our nation, even
your own street or in your ownfamily.
You see the need.
You see that the world's way ofdefining and handling marriage
issues isn't working.
Recently we've had the chanceto talk with many people who are
stepping forward in obedience,saying yes, lord, I am willing
(20:05):
to be used in people's lives, intheir marriages, to meet them
right where they're hurting.
In Isaiah, chapter 6, we hearthe famous words from the
prophet Isaiah Lord, here I am,send me.
But for Isaiah it wasn't adeclaration of hey, I've got
this all together as he beatshis chest in pride.
It was just the opposite, infact.
Right before he makes himselfavailable to God to be used by
(20:27):
him, he's saying woe is me, forI am lost.
I am a man of unclean lips andI dwell in the midst of a people
of unclean lips.
We feel that way too.
We live in a lost and fallenworld.
We not only dwell among peoplewho are fallen, we are fallen,
we're in that group who's lost.
But I love what God does next.
He actually agrees with IsaiahYep, you're lost, you're unclean
(20:51):
.
And then he beckons Isaiahcloser.
Let me cleanse you.
I'm the one who can qualify youto do my work, and God can do
that for you if you ask him.
Not only can he save you andmake you a useful vessel for him
to speak his word of truth topeople, he can equip you to do
so.
Speak his word of truth topeople.
He can equip you to do so.
As soon as Isaiah says, yes,lord, hear my, send me.
(21:12):
God tells him exactly what todo and what to say.
God's not going to call you tospeak his word to a hurting
marriage and then ask you to useyour own words to just make it
up as you go.
He's not only given you theBible, he's given you the Holy
Spirit to help you remember whatHis word says and the
conviction of the Holy Spirit tohelp you apply it not only in
(21:32):
your own marriage, but to amarriage that comes to you
hurting.
So here's a caution for youtoday If you feel God pulling at
your heartstrings to step upand say yes, don't discount
yourself because you aren'tqualified.
I see the prophet Jeremiahdoing that in Jeremiah, chapter
1.
God says Now, the Almighty Godhas just spoken.
(21:59):
And then here's Jeremiah'sresponse Sovereign Lord, I don't
know how to speak, I'm tooyoung.
But God says Don't say I'm tooyoung.
You must go to everyone I sendyou to and say whatever I
command you, don't be afraid ofthem, for I am with you and I
will rescue you, declares theLord.
Then the Lord reached out hishand and touched my mouth and
said to me I've put my words inyour mouth.
(22:20):
Just a couple of days ago, davidand I got to sit down for
several hours with a couple whosaid you know, I think we're
about ready to say yes.
They had felt the call for sometime to help a hurting marriage
and they chose to put theirfears and their questions and
their misgivings aside and stepup to the front lines.
We talked in depth with themabout the training that we've
received through the Associationof Certified Biblical
(22:42):
Counselors.
We talked about a couple whomentored us through that process
and it was amazing to sitacross the dining room table and
just see the spark of light intheir eyes as they considered
what this could look like.
But what they can't see rightnow, what you can't see right
now, is the line of people whoare going to be waiting to speak
to you in heaven.
Those arms are going to bewrapped around you.
(23:03):
Of the marriages that you'vehelped, the outcome, the fruit
of God's word spoken at just theright time when someone needed
to hear it the most.
I think we're going to beabsolutely blown away when we
get to eternity and see theresult of our obedience.
God is mighty enough to takeour little, tiny, even
begrudging acts of obedience andturn them into something bigger
(23:23):
than we could have everimagined.
Right now, we're working with acouple who has two young boys
and their marriage is on therocks.
Without follow-through of God'scommands and His words, their
marriage could very well be over.
What if you were the couplethat walked beside someone like
this, mentoring them, disciplingthem, and not because you know
it all, but because you said yesand you know the one who does
(23:45):
know it all?
What if those boys grew up in ahome where their parents not
only stayed together but had agodly marriage?
The results are going to beeternal.
Pray about it and if God istugging your heart in this
direction, step forward.
Say yes, lord, here am I.
Send me.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though
one of my favorite things to dois read a good book.
Fiction with a purpose allowsyou to journey with the
characters and come out on theother side changed more into the
image of Christ.
And that's exactly what I wantfor you as you read my trilogy
Roots Run Deep.
These historical romances arefun and fast paced, but I also
(24:43):
know that as you turn that lastpage, your heart will be changed
because you'll know more deeplyyour Heavenly Father's heart
for you.
Go to deeply your HeavenlyFather's heart for you.
Go to VowsToKeepcom for all thedetails.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of
Zanesfield, Ohio.
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