May 12, 2025 • 24 mins
Rethinking Irreconcilable Differences :: [Ep. 268]
Have you reached a point where you think your marriage is beyond repair? Well, we are so glad you are here because in this episode we tackle the critical crossroads many couples face when considering divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" and offer (encouraging!) biblical wisdom for those feeling their marriage is beyond repair!
In this episode, we are covering the following:
• How couples develop a "my way or the highway" dynamic through unspoken rules and expectations
• Using the biblical story of Jonah to understand God's perspective on seemingly hopeless situations
• Six crucial questions to ask before considering divorce
• Understanding that God's grace covers both your sins and your spouse's sins
• How to correct incorrect thinking
• Recognizing that many marriages that seem beyond repair can be restored through God's intervention!
Listen today! Join us again next week as we talk more about Irreconcilable Differences where we'll explore six commitments to help save your marriage.
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Last week the phone rang.
The voice on the other side wasclearly defeated, done over it,
but in the tone of her voice,in a way, she was also asking
how could she be sure it's over?
Speaker 2 (00:45):
She made statements like we don't work together.
We're indifferent verbally, butstone cold emotions sit
underneath everything.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
So we asked is there any physical abuse?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
No, my spouse just doesn't do their part, and it
takes two.
I'm not even sure my spouse isa Christian.
In fact, I see a lot of signsthat tell me that they're not.
I'm wasting my life, and forwhat?
I can't fix this alone.
We've grown apart.
Nothing more can be done.
She ended by saying neither ofus wants a huge fight.
We don't want to drag this outinto a court battle, we just
want to get this over with.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
Have you shifted from tired of it all to looking at
the legal options before you?
The words irreconcilabledifferences are now floating
around your head.
Maybe you've even done a searchon the internet and you're
finding this is the magical termfor the fastest, most pain-free
divorce.
If you're in a marriage that'sfeeling like it's beyond repair,
(01:39):
then the next 25 minutes is foryou.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
The feelings of wanting out of a marriage that
isn't working can be so strong.
Every day feels like achallenge, A fresh start without
this person that I used to lovesounds like heaven.
You've been thinking thingslike this.
This isn't what I signed up for.
The litany of wrongs is so longI don't even know where to
start, and it's been foreversince we agreed on anything.
(02:03):
Whether you fight about thesame thing all the time or you
just fight about everything,walking away from the marriage
seems to be the next step.
You're just two differentpeople.
Now Maybe it's time to cut ourlosses and wipe the slate clean
once and for all.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Tracy and I have been meeting with couples for almost
20 years and I want to tell youabout a couple we met with
about 10 years ago.
I'm going to change their namesto Jennifer and Matt.
No, there wasn't an affair,there wasn't abuse, but they
just could not get on the samepage.
So they're sitting in ourliving room.
We're two people digging theirheels in and saying it's my way
(02:38):
or the highway.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I know what's best for me, I know what's best in
how to parent, I know how tobest manage our money, and the
problem is you won't do what isbest.
I heard her say we've triedother things and this is what I
know works out best for everyonein the end.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
The problem with both of their mantras whether it was
spoken out loud or just livedout loud is that it turns into a
culture inside your house.
I've made the laws that will bebeneficial for everyone else to
follow.
I've formed these rules, so tospeak, and now it's time for you
to follow them.
And at first, when people getmarried, you know what your
(03:16):
spouse tends to do, just thatfollow the rules.
But then things slowly dwindle.
It gets to a state of staleness, of tolerance.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
One of my rules or laws that I entered into
marriage with was that my houseshould look just so and David
should help me reach that goal,whether it be in purchasing new
things or keeping it spic andspan.
And when he denies me thisexpectation, there's now a
difference between us.
You know that feeling whensomething is between you, the
feelings of love just aren'tthere and we get weary of
(03:47):
conjuring up those emotions thatwere the basis of why we got
married in the first place.
And now you're saying thingslike my spouse shows no respect.
It's not even a conversationanymore.
Over time these differencesbuild up.
It's the finances, theoverpacked schedule, and when we
take stock we see there's notjust one thing between us
causing friction, there's abouta hundred.
(04:08):
And suddenly our spouse is notsomeone we're doing life with,
someone we're loving till death.
Do us part for better or forworse.
We see the worst they've causedus and that makes them the
enemy.
They're on the completeopposite side of the line, with
all the yuck of the wrongs we'vedone to each other over the
years laying between us, and wecan't even imagine trying to
(04:30):
hurdle the pile to reach them.
We wouldn't even have theenergy, even if we wanted to.
And trust me, you say I don'twant to.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
For Matt and Jennifer , like most couples, the
lopsided view depends on whoselens you're looking at the
problems through.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
And Matt and Jennifer aren't alone.
According to the Office forNational Statistics, the most
common reason cited for divorceis unreasonable behavior.
Irreconcilable differences is ano-fault reason for divorce in
the US.
This is the world's way ofsaying.
Things can't be fixed, but noone's going to jail for doing
something illegal.
Everything is wrong, butnothing legally is wrong.
(05:06):
It's a way to cite somethinginnocuous to get a divorce
moving along.
It's a disillusion.
This contract is over.
We forget.
God asked us to make this acovenant.
Our eyes are on the temporary,the assets, the living situation
, the kids, how quickly we canget out of this and how much we
can walk away with.
We want to be quote unquotefair to each other.
(05:27):
We just don't want to be witheach other.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
So, after our first or second meeting, the my way or
the highway crossroads becamevery clear.
Jennifer and Matt chose thehighway, and they cited
irreconcilable differences asthe reason for their divorce.
Now, now they both acknowledgedwhat God was asking them to do.
They chose, however, to ignoreit, and they knew it.
They separated the dishes, thecars, they sold their house,
(05:53):
they agreed to split time withtheir kids, they tore their
lives in half.
They even moved on to newnormals, new relationships and
then, eventually, new marriages.
The statistics show us that anew spouse doesn't change the
outcome.
10 years later, we see the samecrossroads on the horizon for
them today again.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
As their new marriages move down the road.
Do you think those new couplesare agreeing on everything?
Do you think David and I agreeon everything after 20 plus
years of marriage?
No, of course not.
Why?
Because we all enter intomarriage, whether it's our first
or second or third, with astrong set of expectations,
personal preferences, opinionsand let me just call them what
(06:35):
they are rules.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
So where does that leave you today?
Reliving in your head and yourheart your spouse's unreasonable
behavior, maybe looking updivorce attorneys.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
No, we hope to encourage you to avoid that
course With this broadcast today, these six questions to ask
yourself if you're consideringdivorce on the basis of
irreconcilable differences.
In the next two broadcasts,we're going to be looking at the
story of a man who resemblesyou and I in so many ways, and
how God chose to use him, lovehim, teach him, despite his
(07:06):
failings.
We're going to talk about thestory of Jonah, but maybe in a
different way than you've everheard before.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
The story of Jonah isn't about a guy who gets
swallowed by a great big fish.
The story of Jonah shows theheart of God and God's ability
to save anybody, anyrelationship.
Now, before we dive into howthis applies to marriage, and
especially one that's on theedge of a cold break, let me set
the stage.
In chapter one of thisfour-chapter book, God calls
(07:36):
Jonah to go to the city ofNineveh and preach a message of
repentance to them.
Jonah doesn't waste any time indoing his best to escape this
directive from God.
The first thing he does is buya one-way ticket to a faraway
land in the exact oppositedirection.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
God sends this great storm and begins to threaten to
break up the ship he's on.
It doesn't take long and themen aboard the ship begin to
wonder if there's someone onboard who's causing this.
Jonah tells them it's him andhey, just toss me overboard.
A big fish, presumably a whale,swallows Jonah at God's command
, and in chapter 2, jonah spendsa miserable three days and
(08:17):
three nights in the belly ofthis fish.
While he's there, he's got abit of a heart change, and
that's where we're going tospend the majority of our time
as we talk about this story.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
So he said there'd be six questions.
The first of those sixquestions is to ask yourself
this what do I want?
If you're considering divorceon the basis of irreconcilable
differences, what do I want?
We're not asking if you wantthe peace that's missing or the
absence of strife.
The question isn't what you'rewanting right now, in the midst
(08:46):
of all the pain and agony youfeel.
But what were you going afterwhen your relationship seemed to
be doing okay?
Was it a rockstar wife or arockstar husband?
A picture-perfect marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
I think that's what a lot of us want.
I set a personal agenda to tryand make my picture of romance
and the perfect life a reality.
I think we all do the kind thatmakes me feel good.
That matches the expectations Ihad when I came into this
relationship.
But the death of a relationshipis a slow one that begins way
before we even meet our spouse.
The bricks of this wall betweenus get put into place one by
(09:24):
one, little by little.
Things we aren't willing tocompromise on, Issues we dig our
heels in for.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
It's in the selfishness that we show when
we're dating, like in what Iwouldn't eat, when we're at a
friend's house or talking overthe top of someone else just to
be heard.
But it goes on to the biggerdecisions after we're married,
things like how we raise ourkids, what we do to protect the
me time.
At the end of the day, eventhough it comes at a high cost
(09:51):
to our relationship, long-term,I try to make a great life
through my preferences, myopinions, my expectations all
being played out in my marriage.
And when I don't get thosethings and I see the
disintegration of ourrelationship, I blame you
because you're not giving mewhat I asked for, you're not
(10:12):
playing by my rules, and if youwere, none of this would be
happening.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Because of that, I want revenge.
I want to pay you back for thehurt you've caused me, because
it is inexcusable.
You don't deserve anything Icould give you, because you're
not worthy.
If I give, you're only going totake.
The thing is, what's happeningat the same time I feel this way
is that my spouse is feelingthe exact same way too.
They came into this marriagewith their own set of
preferences, opinions andexpectations, and when we're at
(10:41):
odds, they think it's becauseI'm not giving them what they
want.
And if only I would, wewouldn't be having these issues.
Now that we're this far in, Iwant peace.
I want it to be fun and easyagain, and I don't see that ever
happening with this person.
I want out.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Jonah was like us.
He was ruled by his desires too.
Jonah was a prophet.
God would give him a message todeliver, and he was the
mouthpiece.
Well, it turns out, jonah hadhis limits too.
When he bought the ticket forthe boat ride away from Nineveh,
jonah's desires could not havebeen more clear.
Really, god, haven't you seenwhat they're like?
(11:19):
Do you think I'm crazy?
What they did in that evil citywould make you sick to your
stomach.
Talk about being too far gone.
In Jonah's opinion, they werebeyond repair.
It was best just to write themoff as a lost cause.
Give me a new assignment, god.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Jonah wasn't signing up for this kind of discomfort
If you have a marriage question,Jonah wasn't signing up for
this kind of discomfort.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I think it's good to assess what we were after, but
it's also good to look at thisnext question what does your
spouse want?
Consider Nineveh for just aminute.
They had a culture of sin.
Death, murder, destruction oflife was their MO.
They didn't want to be in thelight.
Their darkness was way toocomfortable, like your spouse.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
what Nineveh was in pursuit of shows the actual need
in their heart.
What if God has you in yourspouse's life to help them
understand their real need, tohelp them get what will truly
fulfill If they're stillbelieving, their expectations
and opinions and preferenceswill ultimately result in their
(12:41):
happiness.
Maybe you're the personpositioned perfectly, like Jonah
, to share truth, but it doesn'tcome from you getting your way,
like Jonah initially tried.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
I totally agree.
It comes from sharing God'struth with them that God will
ultimately satisfy.
Let's jump into number threehere.
This is the third question youneed to ask yourself.
If you're considering divorcebecause of irreconcilable
differences, why did God createmarriage?
Have you ever asked yourselfthat when we're in the middle of
being sick of going around thesame mountain again and again,
(13:16):
we often ask ourselves how was Istupid enough to make this
decision in the first place?
I should have known better.
I've tried to make it work andform this relationship to look
like I thought a good marriageshould look like.
I modeled it after an example Isaw growing up, or I made it
look so completely opposite ofthe example.
I saw that it was certain notto fail, yet it did.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
And here comes our moment of understanding, opening
our eyes to God's plan formarriage.
Just like Jonah's eyes wereopen In the dark moments in the
belly of this fish, he finallygets it.
He understood God, which meanthe knew what to do next.
God loved Nineveh and he wantedto use Jonah to show that God
(13:59):
created marriage and he createdyour marriage with a bigger
purpose than just surviving.
His ultimate goal is to useyour spouse in your life to make
you more like him and to useyou in your spouse's life to
show them God's love for them.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
The fourth question out of the sixth is what have I
tried?
As you think about that, I wantyou to think about what Jonah
tried, and what did it get himin the end.
Number one he tried to seethings from his own perspective,
and that caused him to run away.
We do that too.
Jonah ignored Nineveh's needsand thought of his own, and that
gets him into a pickle with God.
(14:40):
And number two when he jumps ona ship headed in the opposite
direction, he shares his troublewith his shipmates.
We do that too.
We get people involvedsometimes to get someone to
agree that we're doing the rightthing given the circumstances.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Sometimes we think all we're missing is some good
advice, and here's one I heardthe other day 10% of conflict is
due to difference of opinion,90% is due to delivery and tone
of voice.
Sounds reasonable at first, butyou know what Our experience is
that conflict within marriagehas very little to do with the
words.
(15:14):
It's mostly me demanding my wayor threatening the highway.
It's core issues in marriagethat we fight about, and when
you are in pursuit of godliness,guess what God's got your back
you don't have to be the onefighting for yourself.
It's so important we pay closeattention where we go for advice
.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
The fifth question that you need to ask yourself is
is there anything that willturn this around?
God got Jonah's attention byputting him in an uncomfortable
situation.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
When we don't listen, god will do something to get
our attention.
He'll sometimes allow a bigblue whale to swallow us whole.
Our selfishness, ourself-righteousness, our love for
things in this world, our prideit will all consume us with
darkness.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
We find ourselves in a stinking pit and now we can't
wait to get out of what wethought was going to be easy,
when in fact it's beenalarmingly hard.
Jonah 1.17 actually says theLord, god, arranged for a great
fish to swallow Jonah.
Could it be that God is puttingyou in this uncomfortable
situation with your spouse toget your attention, to open your
(16:22):
eyes?
In Hebrews, chapter 12, godsays he disciplines those he
loves so that we can share inhis holiness.
He loves us enough to squeezetill it hurts.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
God kept Jonah in that fish for as long as it took
.
From the way chapter two iswritten, we see it took Jonah a
little while to get it.
It wasn't an immediateturnaround Three long days and
nights.
And finally he asks for help.
Finally, jonah gets to thepoint in that darkness where he
is crying out to God.
First he acknowledges that Godis his Lord.
(16:57):
In chapter 2, verse 2, he saysI remembered you, lord.
He's saying God, you're incharge.
I now understand your way isbest.
Next, he's basically saying Godis sovereign, he's in charge.
He can do anything he wants.
He was powerful enough to putme in my place.
He's powerful enough to get meout of it.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Then, in verses like Jonah 2, 6 through 9, he
concedes that he needs God.
He needs God.
Nothing besides God can savehis own soul.
It's in this very importantconfession that Jonah now sees
he's been misjudging God allalong.
He assumed God hadnarrow-minded grace like he did.
Grace that could only be forthose who were trying to do what
(17:41):
was right.
Jonah didn't think it waspossible, or even should be
possible, for God to love thosewho are unlovely in their
wretched sin.
Jonah had been seeing Godincorrectly and because of that
Jonah also saw othersincorrectly.
His view of humanity wasnarrow-minded, just like our
view of our spouses.
We make judgments, we pointfingers and generally want the
(18:05):
hammer to come down on those whoare doing wrong to us.
Jonah didn't see people how Godsees people and because Jonah
saw God and other peopleincorrectly, guess what he saw
himself incorrectly.
But this is the moment where hesees that he himself was
included in the group of peoplehe was judging.
We often have an incorrectbelief about ourselves.
(18:26):
We see ourselves on the outsideof the sin of our spouse.
Like Jonah, we assume we'reoutside of God's judgment on
them.
Before this moment, Jonahdidn't know or understand that
God longed to be gracious andcompassionate to him just as
much as he wanted to show mercyto Nineveh.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Our own personal sin is deceptive.
It tricks our heart intothinking we're good, no worries.
We think we only have to changea smidge, maybe just a little
bit, maybe not at all, but, man,if you could see my spouse
Believing the truth about Godand his grace changes everything
.
We no longer look at the sinand the misunderstandings that
(19:06):
lie between us and our spouse.
We don't see them as on theother side of the line from us.
Believing the truth about God'slove and grace puts us on the
same side of the line In amarriage like Jennifer and
Matt's.
What if we saw ourselves not asthe one who needs to be rescued
from our marriage, but ratherthe one who's been put on
(19:28):
mission within our marriagecapable, because God has sent us
there?
Speaker 2 (19:34):
And the last one am I willing to try one more thing?
Am I willing?
It all boils down to belief.
Thoughts and feelings like thisare based on what we believe
about merit and grace, what webelieve about salvation and
whether or not we earn it orreceive it as a gift.
Let me ask you this Do youbelieve God is gracious to you
(19:56):
in your sin?
If so, does his grace extend toyour spouse's sin?
If the answer is yes, then itcovers all of their sin.
You don't get to draw the lineon where God's grace stops.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
Jonah's shift in belief caused him to repent, not
to the point of shame, but atthe point of change, the minute
he turned his heart toward God.
Seeing God's grace was not onlysufficient enough to save the
vilest of people in Nineveh, butthat he himself needed that
same grace.
God brings him out of this pitand gives him a second chance.
(20:33):
Jonah 2.10 says the Lordcommanded the fish and it
vomited Jonah up on a dry land.
Kind of gross but kind of cool.
God is able to step in andchange the things that seem
impossible.
To rescue you from you, torescue your marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Here's the litmus test on this for our marriages
today.
Are your thoughts about yourspouse based on their merit, how
much they've earned your favor,or, when you think about them,
is your heart and mind filledwith grace towards them, the
same grace you have received?
As we start to close out heretoday on Vows to Keep Radio, I
want you to think about theworst sin you've ever committed.
(21:13):
That sin was nailed to thecross of Jesus Christ.
Not only that one, but the sumof a lifetime of sins, each one
covered and paid for by theblood of Jesus.
Now picture the lifetime ofyour spouse's sins.
Every single one is nailedthere too, even their sin of
talking to you the way they didlast night.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Here's the truth about their sin and yours.
From Colossians 2.14.
It says God forgave us all oursins.
Having canceled the charge ofour legal indebtedness, which
stood against us and condemnedus, he's taken it away, nailing
it to the cross.
You see, just like Jonah had nolegal or moral standing in
which to condemn the Ninevites,you and I have no ground on
(22:00):
which to stand and judge ourspouse for their sin.
What we're saying is the paindoesn't go away, but it becomes
endurable when we realize themission we're on for our
spouse's life.
Every phone call we get, it isour goal that that person we're
talking to would understandexactly what we've said that
(22:21):
they are on mission for God.
If you're in a position whereyou're considering divorce on
the basis of irreconcilabledifferences, join us next week
as we ask you to consider sixchallenges, six commitments, the
first being to commit tobelieve the truth.
(22:41):
The second being to commit topay the cost.
It's not as steep as you mightthink.
Jesus does it for us.
Third, to commit to the calling.
Fourth, like Jonah, we've gotto commit to go all of the way.
What we're asking you to do iscommit to be 100% in for your
marriage.
Fifth, commit to trust God forthe outcome.
(23:03):
The question is will I be Jesusor will I be Jonah?
And sixth, will you commit towhat comes next, taking each
step, moment by moment, inobedience to the Lord?
Speaker 2 (23:17):
What we want you to hear is that there is hope.
We serve a God who is not onlywilling and able to save our
souls and give us eternal life.
He is willing and more thanable to save any marriage that
comes to Him for help.
We've worked with so manycouples who are making a
last-ditch effort to salvage thewreck of a marriage, only to
witness God do amazing, miracleafter miracle.
(23:40):
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.
He is the author and finisherof our faith.
There's hope for your marriage.
There's hope for any marriage.
If you know someone who isstruggling in their marriage
right now, on the brink offiling for divorce based on
irreconcilable differences, weencourage you to share this
broadcast with them.
(24:00):
You can find it on our websiteat vowstokeepcom, and join us
right here next week for parttwo of Irreconcilable
Differences on Vows to KeepRadio.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Last week the phone rang.
The voice on the other side wasclearly defeated, done over it,
but in the tone of her voice,in a way, she was also asking
how could she be sure it's over?
Speaker 2 (00:45):
She made statements like we don't work together.
We're indifferent verbally, butstone cold emotions sit
underneath everything.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
So we asked is there any physical abuse?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
No, my spouse just doesn't do their part, and it
takes two.
I'm not even sure my spouse isa Christian.
In fact, I see a lot of signsthat tell me that they're not.
I'm wasting my life, and forwhat?
I can't fix this alone.
We've grown apart.
Nothing more can be done.
She ended by saying neither ofus wants a huge fight.
We don't want to drag this outinto a court battle, we just
want to get this over with.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
Have you shifted from tired of it all to looking at
the legal options before you?
The words irreconcilabledifferences are now floating
around your head.
Maybe you've even done a searchon the internet and you're
finding this is the magical termfor the fastest, most pain-free
divorce.
If you're in a marriage that'sfeeling like it's beyond repair,
(01:39):
then the next 25 minutes is foryou.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
The feelings of wanting out of a marriage that
isn't working can be so strong.
Every day feels like achallenge, A fresh start without
this person that I used to lovesounds like heaven.
You've been thinking thingslike this.
This isn't what I signed up for.
The litany of wrongs is so longI don't even know where to
start, and it's been foreversince we agreed on anything.
(02:03):
Whether you fight about thesame thing all the time or you
just fight about everything,walking away from the marriage
seems to be the next step.
You're just two differentpeople.
Now Maybe it's time to cut ourlosses and wipe the slate clean
once and for all.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Tracy and I have been meeting with couples for almost
20 years and I want to tell youabout a couple we met with
about 10 years ago.
I'm going to change their namesto Jennifer and Matt.
No, there wasn't an affair,there wasn't abuse, but they
just could not get on the samepage.
So they're sitting in ourliving room.
We're two people digging theirheels in and saying it's my way
(02:38):
or the highway.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I know what's best for me, I know what's best in
how to parent, I know how tobest manage our money, and the
problem is you won't do what isbest.
I heard her say we've triedother things and this is what I
know works out best for everyonein the end.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
The problem with both of their mantras whether it was
spoken out loud or just livedout loud is that it turns into a
culture inside your house.
I've made the laws that will bebeneficial for everyone else to
follow.
I've formed these rules, so tospeak, and now it's time for you
to follow them.
And at first, when people getmarried, you know what your
(03:16):
spouse tends to do, just thatfollow the rules.
But then things slowly dwindle.
It gets to a state of staleness, of tolerance.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
One of my rules or laws that I entered into
marriage with was that my houseshould look just so and David
should help me reach that goal,whether it be in purchasing new
things or keeping it spic andspan.
And when he denies me thisexpectation, there's now a
difference between us.
You know that feeling whensomething is between you, the
feelings of love just aren'tthere and we get weary of
(03:47):
conjuring up those emotions thatwere the basis of why we got
married in the first place.
And now you're saying thingslike my spouse shows no respect.
It's not even a conversationanymore.
Over time these differencesbuild up.
It's the finances, theoverpacked schedule, and when we
take stock we see there's notjust one thing between us
causing friction, there's abouta hundred.
(04:08):
And suddenly our spouse is notsomeone we're doing life with,
someone we're loving till death.
Do us part for better or forworse.
We see the worst they've causedus and that makes them the
enemy.
They're on the completeopposite side of the line, with
all the yuck of the wrongs we'vedone to each other over the
years laying between us, and wecan't even imagine trying to
(04:30):
hurdle the pile to reach them.
We wouldn't even have theenergy, even if we wanted to.
And trust me, you say I don'twant to.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
For Matt and Jennifer , like most couples, the
lopsided view depends on whoselens you're looking at the
problems through.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
And Matt and Jennifer aren't alone.
According to the Office forNational Statistics, the most
common reason cited for divorceis unreasonable behavior.
Irreconcilable differences is ano-fault reason for divorce in
the US.
This is the world's way ofsaying.
Things can't be fixed, but noone's going to jail for doing
something illegal.
Everything is wrong, butnothing legally is wrong.
(05:06):
It's a way to cite somethinginnocuous to get a divorce
moving along.
It's a disillusion.
This contract is over.
We forget.
God asked us to make this acovenant.
Our eyes are on the temporary,the assets, the living situation
, the kids, how quickly we canget out of this and how much we
can walk away with.
We want to be quote unquotefair to each other.
(05:27):
We just don't want to be witheach other.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
So, after our first or second meeting, the my way or
the highway crossroads becamevery clear.
Jennifer and Matt chose thehighway, and they cited
irreconcilable differences asthe reason for their divorce.
Now, now they both acknowledgedwhat God was asking them to do.
They chose, however, to ignoreit, and they knew it.
They separated the dishes, thecars, they sold their house,
(05:53):
they agreed to split time withtheir kids, they tore their
lives in half.
They even moved on to newnormals, new relationships and
then, eventually, new marriages.
The statistics show us that anew spouse doesn't change the
outcome.
10 years later, we see the samecrossroads on the horizon for
them today again.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
As their new marriages move down the road.
Do you think those new couplesare agreeing on everything?
Do you think David and I agreeon everything after 20 plus
years of marriage?
No, of course not.
Why?
Because we all enter intomarriage, whether it's our first
or second or third, with astrong set of expectations,
personal preferences, opinionsand let me just call them what
(06:35):
they are rules.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
So where does that leave you today?
Reliving in your head and yourheart your spouse's unreasonable
behavior, maybe looking updivorce attorneys.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
No, we hope to encourage you to avoid that
course With this broadcast today, these six questions to ask
yourself if you're consideringdivorce on the basis of
irreconcilable differences.
In the next two broadcasts,we're going to be looking at the
story of a man who resemblesyou and I in so many ways, and
how God chose to use him, lovehim, teach him, despite his
(07:06):
failings.
We're going to talk about thestory of Jonah, but maybe in a
different way than you've everheard before.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
The story of Jonah isn't about a guy who gets
swallowed by a great big fish.
The story of Jonah shows theheart of God and God's ability
to save anybody, anyrelationship.
Now, before we dive into howthis applies to marriage, and
especially one that's on theedge of a cold break, let me set
the stage.
In chapter one of thisfour-chapter book, God calls
(07:36):
Jonah to go to the city ofNineveh and preach a message of
repentance to them.
Jonah doesn't waste any time indoing his best to escape this
directive from God.
The first thing he does is buya one-way ticket to a faraway
land in the exact oppositedirection.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
God sends this great storm and begins to threaten to
break up the ship he's on.
It doesn't take long and themen aboard the ship begin to
wonder if there's someone onboard who's causing this.
Jonah tells them it's him andhey, just toss me overboard.
A big fish, presumably a whale,swallows Jonah at God's command
, and in chapter 2, jonah spendsa miserable three days and
(08:17):
three nights in the belly ofthis fish.
While he's there, he's got abit of a heart change, and
that's where we're going tospend the majority of our time
as we talk about this story.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
So he said there'd be six questions.
The first of those sixquestions is to ask yourself
this what do I want?
If you're considering divorceon the basis of irreconcilable
differences, what do I want?
We're not asking if you wantthe peace that's missing or the
absence of strife.
The question isn't what you'rewanting right now, in the midst
(08:46):
of all the pain and agony youfeel.
But what were you going afterwhen your relationship seemed to
be doing okay?
Was it a rockstar wife or arockstar husband?
A picture-perfect marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
I think that's what a lot of us want.
I set a personal agenda to tryand make my picture of romance
and the perfect life a reality.
I think we all do the kind thatmakes me feel good.
That matches the expectations Ihad when I came into this
relationship.
But the death of a relationshipis a slow one that begins way
before we even meet our spouse.
The bricks of this wall betweenus get put into place one by
(09:24):
one, little by little.
Things we aren't willing tocompromise on, Issues we dig our
heels in for.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
It's in the selfishness that we show when
we're dating, like in what Iwouldn't eat, when we're at a
friend's house or talking overthe top of someone else just to
be heard.
But it goes on to the biggerdecisions after we're married,
things like how we raise ourkids, what we do to protect the
me time.
At the end of the day, eventhough it comes at a high cost
(09:51):
to our relationship, long-term,I try to make a great life
through my preferences, myopinions, my expectations all
being played out in my marriage.
And when I don't get thosethings and I see the
disintegration of ourrelationship, I blame you
because you're not giving mewhat I asked for, you're not
(10:12):
playing by my rules, and if youwere, none of this would be
happening.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Because of that, I want revenge.
I want to pay you back for thehurt you've caused me, because
it is inexcusable.
You don't deserve anything Icould give you, because you're
not worthy.
If I give, you're only going totake.
The thing is, what's happeningat the same time I feel this way
is that my spouse is feelingthe exact same way too.
They came into this marriagewith their own set of
preferences, opinions andexpectations, and when we're at
(10:41):
odds, they think it's becauseI'm not giving them what they
want.
And if only I would, wewouldn't be having these issues.
Now that we're this far in, Iwant peace.
I want it to be fun and easyagain, and I don't see that ever
happening with this person.
I want out.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Jonah was like us.
He was ruled by his desires too.
Jonah was a prophet.
God would give him a message todeliver, and he was the
mouthpiece.
Well, it turns out, jonah hadhis limits too.
When he bought the ticket forthe boat ride away from Nineveh,
jonah's desires could not havebeen more clear.
Really, god, haven't you seenwhat they're like?
(11:19):
Do you think I'm crazy?
What they did in that evil citywould make you sick to your
stomach.
Talk about being too far gone.
In Jonah's opinion, they werebeyond repair.
It was best just to write themoff as a lost cause.
Give me a new assignment, god.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Jonah wasn't signing up for this kind of discomfort
If you have a marriage question,Jonah wasn't signing up for
this kind of discomfort.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I think it's good to assess what we were after, but
it's also good to look at thisnext question what does your
spouse want?
Consider Nineveh for just aminute.
They had a culture of sin.
Death, murder, destruction oflife was their MO.
They didn't want to be in thelight.
Their darkness was way toocomfortable, like your spouse.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
what Nineveh was in pursuit of shows the actual need
in their heart.
What if God has you in yourspouse's life to help them
understand their real need, tohelp them get what will truly
fulfill If they're stillbelieving, their expectations
and opinions and preferenceswill ultimately result in their
(12:41):
happiness.
Maybe you're the personpositioned perfectly, like Jonah
, to share truth, but it doesn'tcome from you getting your way,
like Jonah initially tried.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
I totally agree.
It comes from sharing God'struth with them that God will
ultimately satisfy.
Let's jump into number threehere.
This is the third question youneed to ask yourself.
If you're considering divorcebecause of irreconcilable
differences, why did God createmarriage?
Have you ever asked yourselfthat when we're in the middle of
being sick of going around thesame mountain again and again,
(13:16):
we often ask ourselves how was Istupid enough to make this
decision in the first place?
I should have known better.
I've tried to make it work andform this relationship to look
like I thought a good marriageshould look like.
I modeled it after an example Isaw growing up, or I made it
look so completely opposite ofthe example.
I saw that it was certain notto fail, yet it did.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
And here comes our moment of understanding, opening
our eyes to God's plan formarriage.
Just like Jonah's eyes wereopen In the dark moments in the
belly of this fish, he finallygets it.
He understood God, which meanthe knew what to do next.
God loved Nineveh and he wantedto use Jonah to show that God
(13:59):
created marriage and he createdyour marriage with a bigger
purpose than just surviving.
His ultimate goal is to useyour spouse in your life to make
you more like him and to useyou in your spouse's life to
show them God's love for them.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
The fourth question out of the sixth is what have I
tried?
As you think about that, I wantyou to think about what Jonah
tried, and what did it get himin the end.
Number one he tried to seethings from his own perspective,
and that caused him to run away.
We do that too.
Jonah ignored Nineveh's needsand thought of his own, and that
gets him into a pickle with God.
(14:40):
And number two when he jumps ona ship headed in the opposite
direction, he shares his troublewith his shipmates.
We do that too.
We get people involvedsometimes to get someone to
agree that we're doing the rightthing given the circumstances.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Sometimes we think all we're missing is some good
advice, and here's one I heardthe other day 10% of conflict is
due to difference of opinion,90% is due to delivery and tone
of voice.
Sounds reasonable at first, butyou know what Our experience is
that conflict within marriagehas very little to do with the
words.
(15:14):
It's mostly me demanding my wayor threatening the highway.
It's core issues in marriagethat we fight about, and when
you are in pursuit of godliness,guess what God's got your back
you don't have to be the onefighting for yourself.
It's so important we pay closeattention where we go for advice
.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
The fifth question that you need to ask yourself is
is there anything that willturn this around?
God got Jonah's attention byputting him in an uncomfortable
situation.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
When we don't listen, god will do something to get
our attention.
He'll sometimes allow a bigblue whale to swallow us whole.
Our selfishness, ourself-righteousness, our love for
things in this world, our prideit will all consume us with
darkness.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
We find ourselves in a stinking pit and now we can't
wait to get out of what wethought was going to be easy,
when in fact it's beenalarmingly hard.
Jonah 1.17 actually says theLord, god, arranged for a great
fish to swallow Jonah.
Could it be that God is puttingyou in this uncomfortable
situation with your spouse toget your attention, to open your
(16:22):
eyes?
In Hebrews, chapter 12, godsays he disciplines those he
loves so that we can share inhis holiness.
He loves us enough to squeezetill it hurts.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
God kept Jonah in that fish for as long as it took
.
From the way chapter two iswritten, we see it took Jonah a
little while to get it.
It wasn't an immediateturnaround Three long days and
nights.
And finally he asks for help.
Finally, jonah gets to thepoint in that darkness where he
is crying out to God.
First he acknowledges that Godis his Lord.
(16:57):
In chapter 2, verse 2, he saysI remembered you, lord.
He's saying God, you're incharge.
I now understand your way isbest.
Next, he's basically saying Godis sovereign, he's in charge.
He can do anything he wants.
He was powerful enough to putme in my place.
He's powerful enough to get meout of it.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Then, in verses like Jonah 2, 6 through 9, he
concedes that he needs God.
He needs God.
Nothing besides God can savehis own soul.
It's in this very importantconfession that Jonah now sees
he's been misjudging God allalong.
He assumed God hadnarrow-minded grace like he did.
Grace that could only be forthose who were trying to do what
(17:41):
was right.
Jonah didn't think it waspossible, or even should be
possible, for God to love thosewho are unlovely in their
wretched sin.
Jonah had been seeing Godincorrectly and because of that
Jonah also saw othersincorrectly.
His view of humanity wasnarrow-minded, just like our
view of our spouses.
We make judgments, we pointfingers and generally want the
(18:05):
hammer to come down on those whoare doing wrong to us.
Jonah didn't see people how Godsees people and because Jonah
saw God and other peopleincorrectly, guess what he saw
himself incorrectly.
But this is the moment where hesees that he himself was
included in the group of peoplehe was judging.
We often have an incorrectbelief about ourselves.
(18:26):
We see ourselves on the outsideof the sin of our spouse.
Like Jonah, we assume we'reoutside of God's judgment on
them.
Before this moment, Jonahdidn't know or understand that
God longed to be gracious andcompassionate to him just as
much as he wanted to show mercyto Nineveh.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Our own personal sin is deceptive.
It tricks our heart intothinking we're good, no worries.
We think we only have to changea smidge, maybe just a little
bit, maybe not at all, but, man,if you could see my spouse
Believing the truth about Godand his grace changes everything
.
We no longer look at the sinand the misunderstandings that
(19:06):
lie between us and our spouse.
We don't see them as on theother side of the line from us.
Believing the truth about God'slove and grace puts us on the
same side of the line In amarriage like Jennifer and
Matt's.
What if we saw ourselves not asthe one who needs to be rescued
from our marriage, but ratherthe one who's been put on
(19:28):
mission within our marriagecapable, because God has sent us
there?
Speaker 2 (19:34):
And the last one am I willing to try one more thing?
Am I willing?
It all boils down to belief.
Thoughts and feelings like thisare based on what we believe
about merit and grace, what webelieve about salvation and
whether or not we earn it orreceive it as a gift.
Let me ask you this Do youbelieve God is gracious to you
(19:56):
in your sin?
If so, does his grace extend toyour spouse's sin?
If the answer is yes, then itcovers all of their sin.
You don't get to draw the lineon where God's grace stops.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
Jonah's shift in belief caused him to repent, not
to the point of shame, but atthe point of change, the minute
he turned his heart toward God.
Seeing God's grace was not onlysufficient enough to save the
vilest of people in Nineveh, butthat he himself needed that
same grace.
God brings him out of this pitand gives him a second chance.
(20:33):
Jonah 2.10 says the Lordcommanded the fish and it
vomited Jonah up on a dry land.
Kind of gross but kind of cool.
God is able to step in andchange the things that seem
impossible.
To rescue you from you, torescue your marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Here's the litmus test on this for our marriages
today.
Are your thoughts about yourspouse based on their merit, how
much they've earned your favor,or, when you think about them,
is your heart and mind filledwith grace towards them, the
same grace you have received?
As we start to close out heretoday on Vows to Keep Radio, I
want you to think about theworst sin you've ever committed.
(21:13):
That sin was nailed to thecross of Jesus Christ.
Not only that one, but the sumof a lifetime of sins, each one
covered and paid for by theblood of Jesus.
Now picture the lifetime ofyour spouse's sins.
Every single one is nailedthere too, even their sin of
talking to you the way they didlast night.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Here's the truth about their sin and yours.
From Colossians 2.14.
It says God forgave us all oursins.
Having canceled the charge ofour legal indebtedness, which
stood against us and condemnedus, he's taken it away, nailing
it to the cross.
You see, just like Jonah had nolegal or moral standing in
which to condemn the Ninevites,you and I have no ground on
(22:00):
which to stand and judge ourspouse for their sin.
What we're saying is the paindoesn't go away, but it becomes
endurable when we realize themission we're on for our
spouse's life.
Every phone call we get, it isour goal that that person we're
talking to would understandexactly what we've said that
(22:21):
they are on mission for God.
If you're in a position whereyou're considering divorce on
the basis of irreconcilabledifferences, join us next week
as we ask you to consider sixchallenges, six commitments, the
first being to commit tobelieve the truth.
(22:41):
The second being to commit topay the cost.
It's not as steep as you mightthink.
Jesus does it for us.
Third, to commit to the calling.
Fourth, like Jonah, we've gotto commit to go all of the way.
What we're asking you to do iscommit to be 100% in for your
marriage.
Fifth, commit to trust God forthe outcome.
(23:03):
The question is will I be Jesusor will I be Jonah?
And sixth, will you commit towhat comes next, taking each
step, moment by moment, inobedience to the Lord?
Speaker 2 (23:17):
What we want you to hear is that there is hope.
We serve a God who is not onlywilling and able to save our
souls and give us eternal life.
He is willing and more thanable to save any marriage that
comes to Him for help.
We've worked with so manycouples who are making a
last-ditch effort to salvage thewreck of a marriage, only to
witness God do amazing, miracleafter miracle.
(23:40):
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.
He is the author and finisherof our faith.
There's hope for your marriage.
There's hope for any marriage.
If you know someone who isstruggling in their marriage
right now, on the brink offiling for divorce based on
irreconcilable differences, weencourage you to share this
broadcast with them.
(24:00):
You can find it on our websiteat vowstokeepcom, and join us
right here next week for parttwo of Irreconcilable
Differences on Vows to KeepRadio.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
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