April 7, 2025 • 24 mins
When "Be Yourself" Backfires: A Christian Perspective on Self-Worth :: [Ep. 263]
Self-esteem is a concept that is celebrated by our culture but may be leading us away from God's design for our lives and marriages. God calls us to find our worth and our confidence in His love and design for us, not in our uniqueness or accomplishments.
In this episode, we will cover the following:
• Self-esteem is based on comparison and puts our focus on ourselves instead of God and others
• The Bible never instructs us to focus on self-love - it assumes we already do this naturally
• Jesus demonstrated his understanding of worth through service and sacrifice, not self-focus
• The true measure of our worth
Join us today! And come back again next week for part two of this series as we dig deeper into what the Bible says about self-worth, pride, humility, and how these concepts affect our marriages.
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
And we've made vows to keep.
Do you want to know what yourkids are reading at 7 o'clock in
the morning as they chomp theircereal before school?
Here's what's on the back ofthe boxes at our house, and I
quote don't let anyone tell you.
You can't be who you are.
Sounds good, but is it really?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
The world is placing your value in how unique you are
.
Have you noticed this?
Like we have, it's prized thatyou are your own.
You Define what's singlyexclusive about yourself, and
that adds value.
Here's some other common thingsthat we've heard.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Be the best version of yourself.
You're strong.
Follow your dreams.
Don't let anyone hold you back.
Be different, unique.
These are the mantras of ourculture.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Especially, I think, for girls and women.
In most fairy tales, of course,there's the princess who needs
rescuing, the knight in shiningarmor, just like David.
Here he shows up in the nick oftime on his white stallion to
save the day.
You know, you've got thepicture in your head.
I know you do so.
The message, though, it'sshifting.
Here's a new children's book atyour local library, one I just
saw the other day.
(01:31):
Not one damsel in distress.
Stories of heroic girls.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
That's the title.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
You can do it.
You've got what it takes.
Go for it.
You've got everything withinyou.
It takes to be powerful.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Now put this in contrast.
We recently went to a JoshWilson concert and his catchy
song is called Selfless Just twowords, and that song is still
going through my head.
It's an awesome song.
The chorus goes like this it'snot about thinking less of
myself, but thinking of myselfless, and that's such a great
way to explain the battle thatmany of us have going on within
(02:04):
us.
The question of us asChristians is how should we
think of ourselves?
You just mentioned the wordself-esteem and you're going to
get a variety of reactionsPeople arguing that we should
have low self-esteem so we canbe humble.
Others saying that we shouldhave high self-esteem because
that's good mental health.
Not everyone even agreeing onwhat the definition of
(02:24):
self-esteem is.
It's so confusing at best.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
There are influences everywhere online, in church,
from our parents, our co-workers, media all giving us their
opinion on the topic.
Christians and non-Christiansalike either agree
wholeheartedly or disagreevehemently with each other.
So here's the memo on thebulletin board of the world, in
a nutshell, about this topic ofself-esteem.
You are all that you need.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
But do you catch the undercurrent?
If all you need is you, ifyou've got what it takes, you
don't need God.
End of equation.
Nothing left to add.
Not God, not your spouse, notyour fellow believers in Christ,
not God's word, because you'regood.
You're good just as you are onyour own.
Satan could never convince Godthat you're not worth pursuing.
(03:12):
But Satan can convince us,little by little, that we don't
need God.
Everything we will ever needcomes straight from within us,
the real, true us.
In fact.
The true we are to ourselvesand to our desires, the stronger
we will be.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I hope that sounds a little bit scary to you.
It sounds scary to me.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Yeah, totally, because I think we're all great
at being self-deceivers.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
What could be easier to fall prey to than my own
misconceptions and deceptions?
I do it all the time.
Now I hear the word of Godpreached every Sunday.
David, I know you do too.
We read God's word throughoutthe week.
In fact we even teach it toothers.
But let's get real here.
On most days, I only retainwhat will serve me best.
Then we're like the man inJames, chapter one, looking at
(04:01):
our face in a mirror, looking atour lives in the mirror of
God's word, and as soon as it'snot in front of us, we forget,
either accidentally or onpurpose, what it said.
Our hearts, jeremiah 17 says,are desperately wicked.
We run after what feels good inthe moment, believing that we
can find life and satisfactionapart from God.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Before we dive into the solution to our heart's
condition and what this meansfor our marriage, let's
understand the further messagesthat we're hearing.
So we've only talked about oneside of this coin.
Number one you've goteverything you need to be
successful because you're unique, and the more that you lean
into your uniqueness, thehappier you will be.
The other side, though, andthis one is more subtle more of
(04:42):
us are going to fall into it.
We stuff our homes and ourlives full of accolades, full of
recognition, the perfecteducation, the perfect job, home
kids, the perfect blog, theperfect Facebook page.
We build ourselves and ourlives into something the world
would honor.
We feel good about it.
It scratches just the rightitch the need to be successful,
(05:07):
to be worth something.
What if we were stripped of allthat made us feel worthwhile?
No accolades, no education, nofamily, no good looks, poor
health, just the basicpossessions.
Job found himself in this veryposition.
He had had it all and it wasall taken away.
What if that was you?
(05:28):
Not only how would you react,but how would you feel?
Where would your worth comefrom?
It was certainly an eye-openerfor Job.
Read his story sometime.
Read how he came to grips withwho he was, not because of his
great wealth or awesome family,but because God created him.
As we seek today on Vows toKeep Radio, to have a godly view
(05:49):
of ourselves, sifting throughthe messages of the world and
letting the lies fall throughthe cracks, let's take our
discussion in this order.
Number one defining andcomparing self-esteem,
selfishness, worth, identity,pride and confidence self-esteem
, selfishness, worth, identity,pride and confidence.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
And number two we're going to talk about how an
accurate view of ourself affectsour lives and especially our
marriages.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
And then number three steps going forward from here.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Let's go into number one here, defining and comparing
all those things that Davidjust mentioned, Number one being
self-esteem.
This is the world's definitionof self-esteem Feelings of worth
based on our skills, ouraccomplishments, status,
financial resources andappearance.
Self-esteem at its most basicform means that we are esteeming
ourselves.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
What's interesting is that the world connects low
self-esteem with abuse.
Someone who could just be runall over, and yet God connects
humility with service.
The world connects highself-esteem with confidence
someone who stands their ground.
But then there's god.
He connects pride with failure.
(06:56):
Now, in most of our homes,that's not really the case that
we're dealing with.
Most of us are not in anabusive relationship.
We're not dealing with someonewho's horribly prideful.
In fact, we stand in placewhere we've got two believers
living in a home who have lowself-worth and have no desire to
serve the Lord in regards totheir marriage.
One thing we can say for surethat is a hole you will stay
(07:19):
stuck in for a long time.
But the answer is not tosuddenly just take on some new
form of self-esteem.
The answer is to follow throughwith what God asks you to do
for others.
If you want to have worth inthis world, you will serve who
God asks you to serve.
Think about that, husbands.
When you know there's ahoney-do list out there, will
(07:40):
your love be put into action?
Will you look for those thingsand just start to move?
You see, god has designed us insuch a way that when we serve
him, we feel best aboutourselves.
And, aside from serving Godhimself, he has placed you in
such a position that the nextmost relevant people to serve in
your life are going to be yourwife, your family, the body of
(08:02):
Christ, and then everyone elsein this world.
Take a look with me at Matthew,chapter 25.
One day we'll stand before theking, and this is in verse 34.
It says Then the king will sayto those on his right Come, you
who are blessed by my father,inherit the kingdom prepared for
you from the foundation of theworld.
For I was hungry and you gaveme food.
(08:23):
I was thirsty and you gave medrink.
I was a stranger and youwelcomed me.
I was naked and you clothed me.
I was sick, you visited me.
I was in prison and you came tome.
Then the righteous will answerhim saying Lord, when did we see
you hungry and feed you, orthirsty and give you drink, and
when did we see you a strangerand welcome you, or naked and
(08:45):
clothe you?
And when did we see you sick orin prison and visit you?
And the king will answer them.
Truly, I say to you, as you didit to one of the least of these
, my brothers, you did it to me.
Now let me be clear.
In fact, serving God oftenmeans serving your wife.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Something interesting to note when we talk about what
self-esteem is is that you andI don't need to be told to love
ourselves.
We get up in the morning andguess what we do?
We take care of us.
We eat breakfast, we shower, webrush our teeth.
We look out for ways allthroughout the day how we're
going to get comfort, how we'regoing to get fed.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
How we're going to get to the very next pleasure we
can imagine right.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Exactly.
The Bible, if you look at itclosely never instructs us to
self-love.
That's because we do itnaturally.
Jesus says love your neighboras yourself.
That's the greatest commandment.
You can see right there thatself-love does come naturally.
Yet in our culture, loveyourself first so you can love
your neighbor is actually whatwe're being told, except we
typically don't get to theloving our neighbor part.
(09:49):
We tend to stop at theself-love part because our ego
is demanding.
Even those who would purportthat they loathe themselves are
actually very self-absorbedpeople focusing on the negative
qualities in themselves ratherthan obeying the great
commandment, rather than lovinglike Jesus loved, laying down
our lives for others.
I hope you're starting to get aglimpse of how upside down we
(10:13):
have gotten this concept ofself-love, self-esteem and
self-worth.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
And many people do fall into this hole where they
literally get to the point whereall they can look at is how
terrible they are and the worldwould say to them listen, you're
certainly not going to be ableto love someone else in that
condition.
What's the answer?
Well, the answer the worldgives is that you need to have
some pride, that you need tocombat low self-esteem with a
(10:39):
whole bunch of self-importanceand maybe they wouldn't say it
exactly that way, but here's thetrap we fall into.
It really boils down to thecomparison game.
That's what self-esteem reallyis.
Am I good at this compared tosomeone else?
Even myself?
Are my strengths different fromsomeone else?
Does that make me less valuable?
Speaker 1 (10:59):
you've been listening to vows to keep radio with
david and tracy sellers.
They'll return shortly withmore of today's broadcast.
Vows to Keep wants to help.
Today's quick marriage questionwas submitted by a listener
like you.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Now here's David and Tracy with today's quick
marriage question and theirresponse.
Dear David and Tracy, my wifedoes not value me or my needs
and I feel like I'm attentive toher needs and serve her
tirelessly, and I feel reallybad about myself.
What do I do you?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
know it seems like a challenging question, because
it's one in which I think we canall at times relate to the
emotions that are behind it.
Many of us work very hard atpleasing our spouse, as if we're
going to get something fromthem because we've given
something to them.
We're trying to constantlyprove our worth to them.
This is something that yieldsso much frustration for so many
(11:51):
of us.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
The fact is, your spouse may never see your needs.
They may never see your trueworth.
Here's what you need to do youneed to know your worth in
Christ, no matter what yourspouse thinks of you, no matter
if they meet your needs or not.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
That's right, tracy.
We have to be so vigilant tomake sure that we don't buy into
one of Satan's greatest traps.
You see, the Lord values us somuch that he would give his son
on the cross for our eternallife with him, but Satan would
desire for you to look atyourself with so little value
that, in fact, no one would giveanything for you, with so
(12:31):
little value that your purposebecomes pointless.
This is a trap you have to bevery keenly aware of.
Instead of looking for youractions to buy their approval,
which is a trap that honestlydoesn't really work we must look
at our spouse's needs with atotally different perspective.
We must hunger to serve theLord by serving them, and I do
(12:56):
believe, as you serve the Lordby serving them, you're gonna
turn their heart toward God.
Ultimately, that is the bestthing you could do for both you
and them.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vowstokeepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
We hope you don't feel like we've got this concept
, this teaching, completelyperfected in our own lives.
We also fall trap to comparingourselves with others, not
recognizing the value that wehave in Christ, putting our
value in what the world saysshould be valued instead, I
(13:42):
wonder today where you mighthave fallen into this trap
yourself.
Who are you comparing yourselfwith right now, today, yesterday
, as you look into the mirror?
Is that where you are gettingyour self-worth from?
Are you convincing yourself youneed certain things in your
life in order to be valuable orvalued?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Look at how God's word talks about the body of
Christ.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
First Corinthians 12, says in fact, god has placed
the parts in the body that's youand me, every one of them just
as he wanted them to be.
If they were all one part, likeif we were all the hand right,
where would the body be?
As it is, there are many partsbut one body, and those parts of
the body that seem to be weaker, those are the ones that are
indispensable and this is thekicker, because some of us look
(14:30):
at ourselves as that weaker part, but god is the one who defines
our value.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
It is not up to us to do that.
We can recognize as someonewho's got all the body parts of
as us, as physical people thatwe use, even things that seem
not that obvious all the time.
I have a friend who's missingfour fingers on one of his hands
and every time I meet that man,every time I see him and I
shake his hand, I'm reminded ofhow important those four fingers
(14:55):
are and I never think aboutthem as valuable.
This is exactly how God hasdesigned the body of Christ.
The world is saying hey, do yousuffer from low self-esteem?
Work on your self-image, findyour true sense of self.
Go find what you want to be.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Psychology today is asking us to do this.
Ask yourself this question Doyou believe in yourself?
Do you give yourself the credityou deserve?
Well, if that's what they'reasking, then I'm going to ask
this In your self-esteem, whogets the glory?
If you're working to build upyour self-esteem, the focus is
on you.
If you're working to bringglory to God, the focus is on
(15:32):
Him, and your reward isfulfilling your role in the body
of Christ, just like we talkedabout in 1 Corinthians 12.
Your reward is walking in thegood works that God prepared in
advance for you to do, like itsays in Ephesians 2.10.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Too many of us are looking for our self-worth to be
defined by some reward that wewould get here on earth.
But that's not what God's wordsays is going to happen.
We can look in Colossians 3.
It says whatever you do, workheartily as for the Lord, not
for men, knowing that from theLord you will receive the
inheritance as your reward,you're serving the lord christ
and that inheritance well, noguarantees that's going to be
(16:09):
here on earth, but it will come.
Our quote we took from teenshealth, self-esteem can
influence your happiness andsuccess.
I think we'd all raise our handand a yes vote for a happy life
and a marriage right yeah,who's going to say no to that?
but when we are misguided, andwhat will get us there?
We don't ever make it to thedestination.
And that leads us to the secondpoint how an accurate view of
(16:30):
ourself affects our lives andour marriages.
Traveling for business thislast week, I went to Washington
DC and I got an Uber, tracy, andthere was a lady that was my
Uber driver and she, like manypeople in this world, was
struggling because she wasrecently going through a divorce
, and this was one of herbiggest complaints.
She said being married to thisman, I lost who I was and now
(16:54):
I'm just trying to find me again.
Now, tracy, I would argue thatthat's one of the best things
that could happen in yourmarriage when you can't tell
where one of us starts and theother begins.
That is where we can celebratethe fact that we're no longer
individuals.
We're willing to sacrifice itall for the picture of unity,
and we see this in the Trinity.
In fact, when we look at theTrinity, we see this perfect
(17:17):
unity between God, the Father,jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit
.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yes, david.
I was recently doing a study onthe Trinity, how they are each
individual persons.
In the Trinity we serve one God, not three different gods, but
one God, three in one, and eachone of them serving a specific
role in that relationship.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Each of them being willing to take their place in
this relationship and yield toeach other.
This reminds me of Mark 10,verse 8.
It says the two shall becomeone flesh.
They're no longer two, but nowone.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
It really is such a remarkable and beautiful thing
and it's the way God designedmarriage as well.
Each of us as individuals, buttaking joy and coming into unity
together.
I see us functioning in joywhen you and I, david, watch out
for one another, when we'rewilling to sacrifice, like you
say, maybe our preferences, ourtime for the picture of we.
(18:17):
You might be saying, well,we're not alike, right?
My husband and I, or my wifeand I, we are so different.
Of course you are.
God has wired you that way.
You've got your own personality, and that's great.
The two of you are going tohave certain bends towards
certain things, and they're notalways going to be the same.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
But this is where the danger is.
I think many of us want tocelebrate our unique attributes,
but god is actually calling usto a different picture in
marriage, because god's love isnot about two people traveling
along a parallel path together,side by side, smiling at each
other every once in a while.
No, that's not how god designedmarriage.
In fact, that's not how hedesigned us as people.
(18:57):
We can begin to see thedetriments of a wrong viewpoint
of self-esteem, because if I actlike I'm independent, I'm
self-contained, self-governing,self-sufficient.
We're saying we're not createdin someone's image.
If I create my own self-worth,I don't need God.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
And guess where that lands?
A marriage, those two parallelpaths.
They eventually diverge fromone another.
God has called us to be on thesame path.
Where we think our worth comesfrom does determine our action.
Let's not start with us, though.
As we talk about this.
Let's start with Jesus.
How did Jesus think of himselfwhile he was on earth?
(19:35):
Have you ever thought aboutthat before?
Did Jesus have high self-esteem, low self-esteem?
Did he even think about it atall?
Let's take a look, because ifI'm going to be like anybody, I
want to be like Jesus, not whothe latest magazine or Pinterest
post says I should be.
We'll look at a coupleinstances here.
Jesus says in John, chapter sixI have come down from heaven
(19:57):
not to do my will, but to do thewill of him who sent me.
You can see the Trinity rightthere and this is the will of
him who sent me that I shalllose none of all those he has
given me, but raise them up onthe last day.
He's saying I've come so thatyou can have eternal life.
Jesus was in it for the longgame.
He had his eyes on the Father,not on himself.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
He had his eyes on us as well.
But think about this how easywould it have been in those
difficult moments of hisministry, his time with us here
on earth, just to wash his handsof the whole thing, to focus on
how he was feeling, maybe evenhold a grudge against all of us
who were abusing and threateninghim, people that had sinned
(20:41):
against him and he was bearingthe weight of all that.
But that's not what he does andwe need to take our cue from him
, rather than Vogue or somemental health website.
We see that Jesus at birth he'sthis lowly baby in a stable.
And here he is, the king ofking above all other kings, at
the age of 12, in the temple,going about his father's
business and not even caringabout what his closest relatives
(21:03):
thought of him.
We see, during the three yearsof his earthly ministry, that
he's washing the disciples' feet, willing to suffer physically
to see that more people wouldcome to know his father.
Think about that.
The king of king is washingother people's feet.
We see Jesus on the crossbecoming a servant to all of us
(21:24):
by being a sacrifice for all ofus.
Take some time and take noticethat you and I are called to
love like he loved, and I thinkthat has got to adjust our
misconceptions very quickly.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
It certainly adjusts mine, because as we go through
those different instances inJesus' life, I see really
clearly I hope you do too thathe was not getting his
self-worth from all the thingsthat you and I are trying to get
our self-worth from.
He wasn't getting hisself-esteem from the way he
looked or his accomplishments orthe people that he knew.
(21:57):
He knew who he was a member ofthe Trinity.
You and I need to know who.
We are children of God.
He knew that his worth was notbased on any performance he
could do here on earth.
Our worth in Christ is notbased upon how well we can act,
how close to the letter of thelaw we can align our lives.
(22:19):
No, our worth in God is foundin the sacrifice of Jesus Christ
.
His worth was based on who hewas, and he willingly sacrificed
everything for you and I.
Jesus not only had his worthand purpose down pat, he's got
ours too.
Think about this how does Jesusview us before and after
(22:44):
salvation?
Well, we can see it right inhis actions.
Jesus was the lamb that wasslain before the foundation of
the world.
God does not wish that anyshould perish, but that all
would come to repentance.
He chases us until he's got ourattention and then all of
heaven rejoices when we becomehis child.
That's how he feels about youbefore you even say yes to his
(23:04):
call.
And then, after you say yes,you are saved by grace.
When God looks at you, he seesthe righteousness of Jesus and
not all of your sins andfailings.
Praise God for that right.
He gives you his presence andhis word as his most valued and
trusted gifts.
He outfits you with everythingyou're going to need to live a
godly life, everything you needto be his servant and his child.
(23:28):
That is where our self-worthcomes from and this
significantly affects ourmarriage relationships.
We hope you can join us nextweek on Vows to Keep, radio part
two of this series, as we diginto what does the Bible say
about our self-worth?
What does the Bible say aboutself-esteem, pride, humility,
(23:51):
selfishness, giving, serving?
Next week we'll look at is ourmarriage relationship based on a
merit type love, and how doesthat affect how we treat our
spouses?
Next week we're going to take agood look at are we trying to
make a good impression or are weletting people see Christ
working in us and through us?
Let's go from being puffed upto filled up.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
And we've made vows to keep.
Do you want to know what yourkids are reading at 7 o'clock in
the morning as they chomp theircereal before school?
Here's what's on the back ofthe boxes at our house, and I
quote don't let anyone tell you.
You can't be who you are.
Sounds good, but is it really?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
The world is placing your value in how unique you are
.
Have you noticed this?
Like we have, it's prized thatyou are your own.
You Define what's singlyexclusive about yourself, and
that adds value.
Here's some other common thingsthat we've heard.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Be the best version of yourself.
You're strong.
Follow your dreams.
Don't let anyone hold you back.
Be different, unique.
These are the mantras of ourculture.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Especially, I think, for girls and women.
In most fairy tales, of course,there's the princess who needs
rescuing, the knight in shiningarmor, just like David.
Here he shows up in the nick oftime on his white stallion to
save the day.
You know, you've got thepicture in your head.
I know you do so.
The message, though, it'sshifting.
Here's a new children's book atyour local library, one I just
saw the other day.
(01:31):
Not one damsel in distress.
Stories of heroic girls.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
That's the title.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
You can do it.
You've got what it takes.
Go for it.
You've got everything withinyou.
It takes to be powerful.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Now put this in contrast.
We recently went to a JoshWilson concert and his catchy
song is called Selfless Just twowords, and that song is still
going through my head.
It's an awesome song.
The chorus goes like this it'snot about thinking less of
myself, but thinking of myselfless, and that's such a great
way to explain the battle thatmany of us have going on within
(02:04):
us.
The question of us asChristians is how should we
think of ourselves?
You just mentioned the wordself-esteem and you're going to
get a variety of reactionsPeople arguing that we should
have low self-esteem so we canbe humble.
Others saying that we shouldhave high self-esteem because
that's good mental health.
Not everyone even agreeing onwhat the definition of
(02:24):
self-esteem is.
It's so confusing at best.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
There are influences everywhere online, in church,
from our parents, our co-workers, media all giving us their
opinion on the topic.
Christians and non-Christiansalike either agree
wholeheartedly or disagreevehemently with each other.
So here's the memo on thebulletin board of the world, in
a nutshell, about this topic ofself-esteem.
You are all that you need.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
But do you catch the undercurrent?
If all you need is you, ifyou've got what it takes, you
don't need God.
End of equation.
Nothing left to add.
Not God, not your spouse, notyour fellow believers in Christ,
not God's word, because you'regood.
You're good just as you are onyour own.
Satan could never convince Godthat you're not worth pursuing.
(03:12):
But Satan can convince us,little by little, that we don't
need God.
Everything we will ever needcomes straight from within us,
the real, true us.
In fact.
The true we are to ourselvesand to our desires, the stronger
we will be.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I hope that sounds a little bit scary to you.
It sounds scary to me.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Yeah, totally, because I think we're all great
at being self-deceivers.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
What could be easier to fall prey to than my own
misconceptions and deceptions?
I do it all the time.
Now I hear the word of Godpreached every Sunday.
David, I know you do too.
We read God's word throughoutthe week.
In fact we even teach it toothers.
But let's get real here.
On most days, I only retainwhat will serve me best.
Then we're like the man inJames, chapter one, looking at
(04:01):
our face in a mirror, looking atour lives in the mirror of
God's word, and as soon as it'snot in front of us, we forget,
either accidentally or onpurpose, what it said.
Our hearts, jeremiah 17 says,are desperately wicked.
We run after what feels good inthe moment, believing that we
can find life and satisfactionapart from God.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Before we dive into the solution to our heart's
condition and what this meansfor our marriage, let's
understand the further messagesthat we're hearing.
So we've only talked about oneside of this coin.
Number one you've goteverything you need to be
successful because you're unique, and the more that you lean
into your uniqueness, thehappier you will be.
The other side, though, andthis one is more subtle more of
(04:42):
us are going to fall into it.
We stuff our homes and ourlives full of accolades, full of
recognition, the perfecteducation, the perfect job, home
kids, the perfect blog, theperfect Facebook page.
We build ourselves and ourlives into something the world
would honor.
We feel good about it.
It scratches just the rightitch the need to be successful,
(05:07):
to be worth something.
What if we were stripped of allthat made us feel worthwhile?
No accolades, no education, nofamily, no good looks, poor
health, just the basicpossessions.
Job found himself in this veryposition.
He had had it all and it wasall taken away.
What if that was you?
(05:28):
Not only how would you react,but how would you feel?
Where would your worth comefrom?
It was certainly an eye-openerfor Job.
Read his story sometime.
Read how he came to grips withwho he was, not because of his
great wealth or awesome family,but because God created him.
As we seek today on Vows toKeep Radio, to have a godly view
(05:49):
of ourselves, sifting throughthe messages of the world and
letting the lies fall throughthe cracks, let's take our
discussion in this order.
Number one defining andcomparing self-esteem,
selfishness, worth, identity,pride and confidence self-esteem
, selfishness, worth, identity,pride and confidence.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
And number two we're going to talk about how an
accurate view of ourself affectsour lives and especially our
marriages.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
And then number three steps going forward from here.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Let's go into number one here, defining and comparing
all those things that Davidjust mentioned, Number one being
self-esteem.
This is the world's definitionof self-esteem Feelings of worth
based on our skills, ouraccomplishments, status,
financial resources andappearance.
Self-esteem at its most basicform means that we are esteeming
ourselves.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
What's interesting is that the world connects low
self-esteem with abuse.
Someone who could just be runall over, and yet God connects
humility with service.
The world connects highself-esteem with confidence
someone who stands their ground.
But then there's god.
He connects pride with failure.
(06:56):
Now, in most of our homes,that's not really the case that
we're dealing with.
Most of us are not in anabusive relationship.
We're not dealing with someonewho's horribly prideful.
In fact, we stand in placewhere we've got two believers
living in a home who have lowself-worth and have no desire to
serve the Lord in regards totheir marriage.
One thing we can say for surethat is a hole you will stay
(07:19):
stuck in for a long time.
But the answer is not tosuddenly just take on some new
form of self-esteem.
The answer is to follow throughwith what God asks you to do
for others.
If you want to have worth inthis world, you will serve who
God asks you to serve.
Think about that, husbands.
When you know there's ahoney-do list out there, will
(07:40):
your love be put into action?
Will you look for those thingsand just start to move?
You see, god has designed us insuch a way that when we serve
him, we feel best aboutourselves.
And, aside from serving Godhimself, he has placed you in
such a position that the nextmost relevant people to serve in
your life are going to be yourwife, your family, the body of
(08:02):
Christ, and then everyone elsein this world.
Take a look with me at Matthew,chapter 25.
One day we'll stand before theking, and this is in verse 34.
It says Then the king will sayto those on his right Come, you
who are blessed by my father,inherit the kingdom prepared for
you from the foundation of theworld.
For I was hungry and you gaveme food.
(08:23):
I was thirsty and you gave medrink.
I was a stranger and youwelcomed me.
I was naked and you clothed me.
I was sick, you visited me.
I was in prison and you came tome.
Then the righteous will answerhim saying Lord, when did we see
you hungry and feed you, orthirsty and give you drink, and
when did we see you a strangerand welcome you, or naked and
(08:45):
clothe you?
And when did we see you sick orin prison and visit you?
And the king will answer them.
Truly, I say to you, as you didit to one of the least of these
, my brothers, you did it to me.
Now let me be clear.
In fact, serving God oftenmeans serving your wife.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Something interesting to note when we talk about what
self-esteem is is that you andI don't need to be told to love
ourselves.
We get up in the morning andguess what we do?
We take care of us.
We eat breakfast, we shower, webrush our teeth.
We look out for ways allthroughout the day how we're
going to get comfort, how we'regoing to get fed.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
How we're going to get to the very next pleasure we
can imagine right.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Exactly.
The Bible, if you look at itclosely never instructs us to
self-love.
That's because we do itnaturally.
Jesus says love your neighboras yourself.
That's the greatest commandment.
You can see right there thatself-love does come naturally.
Yet in our culture, loveyourself first so you can love
your neighbor is actually whatwe're being told, except we
typically don't get to theloving our neighbor part.
(09:49):
We tend to stop at theself-love part because our ego
is demanding.
Even those who would purportthat they loathe themselves are
actually very self-absorbedpeople focusing on the negative
qualities in themselves ratherthan obeying the great
commandment, rather than lovinglike Jesus loved, laying down
our lives for others.
I hope you're starting to get aglimpse of how upside down we
(10:13):
have gotten this concept ofself-love, self-esteem and
self-worth.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
And many people do fall into this hole where they
literally get to the point whereall they can look at is how
terrible they are and the worldwould say to them listen, you're
certainly not going to be ableto love someone else in that
condition.
What's the answer?
Well, the answer the worldgives is that you need to have
some pride, that you need tocombat low self-esteem with a
(10:39):
whole bunch of self-importanceand maybe they wouldn't say it
exactly that way, but here's thetrap we fall into.
It really boils down to thecomparison game.
That's what self-esteem reallyis.
Am I good at this compared tosomeone else?
Even myself?
Are my strengths different fromsomeone else?
Does that make me less valuable?
Speaker 1 (10:59):
you've been listening to vows to keep radio with
david and tracy sellers.
They'll return shortly withmore of today's broadcast.
Vows to Keep wants to help.
Today's quick marriage questionwas submitted by a listener
like you.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Now here's David and Tracy with today's quick
marriage question and theirresponse.
Dear David and Tracy, my wifedoes not value me or my needs
and I feel like I'm attentive toher needs and serve her
tirelessly, and I feel reallybad about myself.
What do I do you?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
know it seems like a challenging question, because
it's one in which I think we canall at times relate to the
emotions that are behind it.
Many of us work very hard atpleasing our spouse, as if we're
going to get something fromthem because we've given
something to them.
We're trying to constantlyprove our worth to them.
This is something that yieldsso much frustration for so many
(11:51):
of us.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
The fact is, your spouse may never see your needs.
They may never see your trueworth.
Here's what you need to do youneed to know your worth in
Christ, no matter what yourspouse thinks of you, no matter
if they meet your needs or not.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
That's right, tracy.
We have to be so vigilant tomake sure that we don't buy into
one of Satan's greatest traps.
You see, the Lord values us somuch that he would give his son
on the cross for our eternallife with him, but Satan would
desire for you to look atyourself with so little value
that, in fact, no one would giveanything for you, with so
(12:31):
little value that your purposebecomes pointless.
This is a trap you have to bevery keenly aware of.
Instead of looking for youractions to buy their approval,
which is a trap that honestlydoesn't really work we must look
at our spouse's needs with atotally different perspective.
We must hunger to serve theLord by serving them, and I do
(12:56):
believe, as you serve the Lordby serving them, you're gonna
turn their heart toward God.
Ultimately, that is the bestthing you could do for both you
and them.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vowstokeepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
We hope you don't feel like we've got this concept
, this teaching, completelyperfected in our own lives.
We also fall trap to comparingourselves with others, not
recognizing the value that wehave in Christ, putting our
value in what the world saysshould be valued instead, I
(13:42):
wonder today where you mighthave fallen into this trap
yourself.
Who are you comparing yourselfwith right now, today, yesterday
, as you look into the mirror?
Is that where you are gettingyour self-worth from?
Are you convincing yourself youneed certain things in your
life in order to be valuable orvalued?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Look at how God's word talks about the body of
Christ.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
First Corinthians 12, says in fact, god has placed
the parts in the body that's youand me, every one of them just
as he wanted them to be.
If they were all one part, likeif we were all the hand right,
where would the body be?
As it is, there are many partsbut one body, and those parts of
the body that seem to be weaker, those are the ones that are
indispensable and this is thekicker, because some of us look
(14:30):
at ourselves as that weaker part, but god is the one who defines
our value.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
It is not up to us to do that.
We can recognize as someonewho's got all the body parts of
as us, as physical people thatwe use, even things that seem
not that obvious all the time.
I have a friend who's missingfour fingers on one of his hands
and every time I meet that man,every time I see him and I
shake his hand, I'm reminded ofhow important those four fingers
(14:55):
are and I never think aboutthem as valuable.
This is exactly how God hasdesigned the body of Christ.
The world is saying hey, do yousuffer from low self-esteem?
Work on your self-image, findyour true sense of self.
Go find what you want to be.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Psychology today is asking us to do this.
Ask yourself this question Doyou believe in yourself?
Do you give yourself the credityou deserve?
Well, if that's what they'reasking, then I'm going to ask
this In your self-esteem, whogets the glory?
If you're working to build upyour self-esteem, the focus is
on you.
If you're working to bringglory to God, the focus is on
(15:32):
Him, and your reward isfulfilling your role in the body
of Christ, just like we talkedabout in 1 Corinthians 12.
Your reward is walking in thegood works that God prepared in
advance for you to do, like itsays in Ephesians 2.10.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Too many of us are looking for our self-worth to be
defined by some reward that wewould get here on earth.
But that's not what God's wordsays is going to happen.
We can look in Colossians 3.
It says whatever you do, workheartily as for the Lord, not
for men, knowing that from theLord you will receive the
inheritance as your reward,you're serving the lord christ
and that inheritance well, noguarantees that's going to be
(16:09):
here on earth, but it will come.
Our quote we took from teenshealth, self-esteem can
influence your happiness andsuccess.
I think we'd all raise our handand a yes vote for a happy life
and a marriage right yeah,who's going to say no to that?
but when we are misguided, andwhat will get us there?
We don't ever make it to thedestination.
And that leads us to the secondpoint how an accurate view of
(16:30):
ourself affects our lives andour marriages.
Traveling for business thislast week, I went to Washington
DC and I got an Uber, tracy, andthere was a lady that was my
Uber driver and she, like manypeople in this world, was
struggling because she wasrecently going through a divorce
, and this was one of herbiggest complaints.
She said being married to thisman, I lost who I was and now
(16:54):
I'm just trying to find me again.
Now, tracy, I would argue thatthat's one of the best things
that could happen in yourmarriage when you can't tell
where one of us starts and theother begins.
That is where we can celebratethe fact that we're no longer
individuals.
We're willing to sacrifice itall for the picture of unity,
and we see this in the Trinity.
In fact, when we look at theTrinity, we see this perfect
(17:17):
unity between God, the Father,jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit
.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yes, david.
I was recently doing a study onthe Trinity, how they are each
individual persons.
In the Trinity we serve one God, not three different gods, but
one God, three in one, and eachone of them serving a specific
role in that relationship.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Each of them being willing to take their place in
this relationship and yield toeach other.
This reminds me of Mark 10,verse 8.
It says the two shall becomeone flesh.
They're no longer two, but nowone.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
It really is such a remarkable and beautiful thing
and it's the way God designedmarriage as well.
Each of us as individuals, buttaking joy and coming into unity
together.
I see us functioning in joywhen you and I, david, watch out
for one another, when we'rewilling to sacrifice, like you
say, maybe our preferences, ourtime for the picture of we.
(18:17):
You might be saying, well,we're not alike, right?
My husband and I, or my wifeand I, we are so different.
Of course you are.
God has wired you that way.
You've got your own personality, and that's great.
The two of you are going tohave certain bends towards
certain things, and they're notalways going to be the same.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
But this is where the danger is.
I think many of us want tocelebrate our unique attributes,
but god is actually calling usto a different picture in
marriage, because god's love isnot about two people traveling
along a parallel path together,side by side, smiling at each
other every once in a while.
No, that's not how god designedmarriage.
In fact, that's not how hedesigned us as people.
(18:57):
We can begin to see thedetriments of a wrong viewpoint
of self-esteem, because if I actlike I'm independent, I'm
self-contained, self-governing,self-sufficient.
We're saying we're not createdin someone's image.
If I create my own self-worth,I don't need God.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
And guess where that lands?
A marriage, those two parallelpaths.
They eventually diverge fromone another.
God has called us to be on thesame path.
Where we think our worth comesfrom does determine our action.
Let's not start with us, though.
As we talk about this.
Let's start with Jesus.
How did Jesus think of himselfwhile he was on earth?
(19:35):
Have you ever thought aboutthat before?
Did Jesus have high self-esteem, low self-esteem?
Did he even think about it atall?
Let's take a look, because ifI'm going to be like anybody, I
want to be like Jesus, not whothe latest magazine or Pinterest
post says I should be.
We'll look at a coupleinstances here.
Jesus says in John, chapter sixI have come down from heaven
(19:57):
not to do my will, but to do thewill of him who sent me.
You can see the Trinity rightthere and this is the will of
him who sent me that I shalllose none of all those he has
given me, but raise them up onthe last day.
He's saying I've come so thatyou can have eternal life.
Jesus was in it for the longgame.
He had his eyes on the Father,not on himself.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
He had his eyes on us as well.
But think about this how easywould it have been in those
difficult moments of hisministry, his time with us here
on earth, just to wash his handsof the whole thing, to focus on
how he was feeling, maybe evenhold a grudge against all of us
who were abusing and threateninghim, people that had sinned
(20:41):
against him and he was bearingthe weight of all that.
But that's not what he does andwe need to take our cue from him
, rather than Vogue or somemental health website.
We see that Jesus at birth he'sthis lowly baby in a stable.
And here he is, the king ofking above all other kings, at
the age of 12, in the temple,going about his father's
business and not even caringabout what his closest relatives
(21:03):
thought of him.
We see, during the three yearsof his earthly ministry, that
he's washing the disciples' feet, willing to suffer physically
to see that more people wouldcome to know his father.
Think about that.
The king of king is washingother people's feet.
We see Jesus on the crossbecoming a servant to all of us
(21:24):
by being a sacrifice for all ofus.
Take some time and take noticethat you and I are called to
love like he loved, and I thinkthat has got to adjust our
misconceptions very quickly.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
It certainly adjusts mine, because as we go through
those different instances inJesus' life, I see really
clearly I hope you do too thathe was not getting his
self-worth from all the thingsthat you and I are trying to get
our self-worth from.
He wasn't getting hisself-esteem from the way he
looked or his accomplishments orthe people that he knew.
(21:57):
He knew who he was a member ofthe Trinity.
You and I need to know who.
We are children of God.
He knew that his worth was notbased on any performance he
could do here on earth.
Our worth in Christ is notbased upon how well we can act,
how close to the letter of thelaw we can align our lives.
(22:19):
No, our worth in God is foundin the sacrifice of Jesus Christ
.
His worth was based on who hewas, and he willingly sacrificed
everything for you and I.
Jesus not only had his worthand purpose down pat, he's got
ours too.
Think about this how does Jesusview us before and after
(22:44):
salvation?
Well, we can see it right inhis actions.
Jesus was the lamb that wasslain before the foundation of
the world.
God does not wish that anyshould perish, but that all
would come to repentance.
He chases us until he's got ourattention and then all of
heaven rejoices when we becomehis child.
That's how he feels about youbefore you even say yes to his
(23:04):
call.
And then, after you say yes,you are saved by grace.
When God looks at you, he seesthe righteousness of Jesus and
not all of your sins andfailings.
Praise God for that right.
He gives you his presence andhis word as his most valued and
trusted gifts.
He outfits you with everythingyou're going to need to live a
godly life, everything you needto be his servant and his child.
(23:28):
That is where our self-worthcomes from and this
significantly affects ourmarriage relationships.
We hope you can join us nextweek on Vows to Keep, radio part
two of this series, as we diginto what does the Bible say
about our self-worth?
What does the Bible say aboutself-esteem, pride, humility,
(23:51):
selfishness, giving, serving?
Next week we'll look at is ourmarriage relationship based on a
merit type love, and how doesthat affect how we treat our
spouses?
Next week we're going to take agood look at are we trying to
make a good impression or are weletting people see Christ
working in us and through us?
Let's go from being puffed upto filled up.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio
.
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