44: Marc Gallagher Visits The Tower

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Episode Transcript

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[e-mail] Hey guys. So this week there's no Mitch
because he's on a wizard's pilgrimage, so it's just going
to be made for this. Oh.
My God. It's Mark.
Gallagher Hello, I was taking a pee and then I ended up here.
What? Where is this?
This is the Wizard's Tower. OK.

(01:50):
Well, do you just want to do this episode with me?
Sure. All right, minutes.
Cool. Well, thanks for dropping by.
Welcome back to the Wizard's Tower, The.
Wizard's Tower. We usually start with like a

(02:25):
little bit of a, you know, just an intro lull about what's been
going on. But do you want to introduce
maybe yourself for viewers that don't know who you are?
Yeah. Sure.
My name is Mark Gallagher. I am a podcaster slash well, not
even a podcaster. I'm a YouTube.
You're a podcaster. Now, man, I've done one podcast.
I'm a podcaster, so I've got a YouTube channel.

(02:47):
It's just my name, Mark Gallagher.
We do a lot of Harry Potter content, and most of it is stuff
you can't show your parents or your friends.
Yeah, it's all pretty crass stuff, so.
But yeah. Yeah.
And that actually brings us on to the topic of I thought it
would be a great idea to theme this podcast around Harry
Potter. Because.
You seem to be, like, quite the expert.

(03:08):
Well, I mean, at least you know you've watched it more than
once. I've watched.
It once or twice, yeah, yeah. Have you read the books?
I listen to the books quite a lot.
Yeah. The Stephen Fry voice.
Yeah, yeah. God he does a good Hagrid that
like. Well, I'm pretty sure they based
Hagrid off of his Hagrid. Really.
Yeah, so. He or did he read them?
First the books came first, and then they're like, man, he nails

(03:29):
Hagrid. Let's just do that, Hagrid.
Damn. And they'll and Stephen Fry was
like, I can do that. And they're like, no, you're.
Like I could be Hagrid. Like, no, we're gonna get Robbie
Coltrane. Yeah.
We can't afford that. Would you, Stephen Fry?
Afford Stephen Fry. Sorry, bro.
Yeah. Well, that brings us into our
first segment. Hit me.

(03:50):
Beast Battles. It is called beast battles.
OK, all right. Beast Battles is a segment where
we usually get beasts and we kind of discuss who would win.
Right. OK, Yeah.
And I thought it would be fun todo a Beast battles themed, Harry
Potter themed episode where I'veactually drawn up almost like a

(04:13):
championship. I like it.
And we're gonna, we're gonna discuss, you know, two of these
things and see, you know who's gonna win.
And eventually, we'll figure outwho is the strongest Harry
Potter character. Character.
I like it all right. So we've got a we've got a wide
range of characters in battles here, but I thought we'd start
out with Peter Pettigrew if he was a rat versusing the monster

(04:37):
book from book 4 that you know, just.
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That eats those pages and stuff.Well, he does have a human brain
though, so he could outsmart thebook.
That's true. Been like outsmarting Voldemort
for like the past seven years. So yeah, that's maybe maybe he
could like corner it or something, you know, like, yeah,
but he would get eaten. I I'd.
Say you reckon? You reckon he would get eaten?

(04:58):
Probably. I mean, rats are known to eat
books. As well, they eat books, they
eat children, you know. He also watches children, He.
Does watch Peter Peto grew? Yeah, people call him.
He's. Quite like a like a stealthy
kind of guy. So he might have a chance, but I
think. He's OK, but yeah, I think the
book wins. You reckon the book wins?
What are you reckon? Yeah, I think honestly, I think

(05:19):
you're right. That thing was vicious.
It's getting. Fucked up.
I don't know why he gives that to kids like it's so dangerous.
What are you? Doing Yeah why is that?
Why is everything in the Harry Potter universe so dangerous for
no reason I. Have no idea.
My theory is like Dumbledore's really into Richard Dawkins.
So he just like Darwinian evolution.
He's just like the strongest will survive Hogwarts.

(05:42):
Yeah, yeah, if you can. Make it 7 years at Hogwarts
without dying. You're a fucking good wizard
bro. That's true, Yeah, That is
actually true. It's a it's a tough world out
there. Every day, look at those
staircases, you know. Who just signed this school?
I don't know. Yeah, it's some people from like
fucking 700 years ago were like,what if the staircase is just

(06:02):
move the whole time? And yeah, we actually, they
actually don't take you to whereyou're supposed to go at all
most of the time. Won't the kids get there late or
like some would die on the way to class?
Possibly. Yeah, but I guess they just
weren't good enough to be Wizards.
That's fair enough, yeah. Yeah.
I'm a Slytherin. Actually, what is your Harry
Potter house That's. A good question.
I I'm I'm Gryffindor but I have got Hufflepuff once.

(06:25):
I've done it like 4 times. So like, yeah, I think it's like
the animal thing for me that makes me a Hufflepuff, but I'm
definitely a Gryffindor. And the questions are so
obvious, they're like, what's your favorite animal?
A lion. Lion And you're like, oh, which
house is that? Gonna put me in or a snake?
Yeah, you're like, oh fuck, I really do like snakes.
Maybe. Maybe that'll get me in
Gryffindor. Yeah, I think, I think I'm a

(06:47):
Hufflepuff. Yeah, I think I got Slytherin.
I think I got Gryffindor to begin with, but then I got
Slytherin because a girl I likedin when I was like 14 said she
was in Slytherin. And so I redid it and I was
like, actually, me too. I'm a.
Slytherin as well. That's so weird.
Isn't that weird that we're likethe same which is like meant?
To be together, that's. Kind of great we have so much in
common. Saying we should get married but

(07:09):
like this stuff is pretty conclusive.
I don't. Know OK, so the monster book has
made it to the second round. That's impressive.
All right, Next up we have Dobbyversusing a Gringotts goblin.
That's going to be a close one, actually.
Yeah, I think so. They're both really short.
Gringotts Goblin. They both have really long
noses, yeah. Same reach, the same brains.

(07:31):
Same they if it was a UFC lineupthey'd have the same height and
reach the. Weight class, yeah, yeah, but
the Gringotts, they're like security, right?
So they've got. Weapons.
Yeah, Dobby doesn't have anything.
Yeah, that's true. It's Dobby.
Like Wit? Straight up, guys.
One knife through a teleporter and that's.

(07:51):
It come on bro. That's a good point.
I feel like a Gringot's, you know, goblin be Hardy, you know?
Yeah, yeah, that is that. Be trained with customer service
would really get them Hardy. They could, yeah.
They're trained in jiu jitsu. Yeah, MMA like.
I think she did tweet. I think JK Rowling did tweet
about that. Oh yeah, I.
Think she did? Yeah, she's tweeted.
Did a lot of things, yeah. Yeah, so that was one of the

(08:13):
retcon she did. They're all trained in jujitsu.
Dumbledore is gay and also the green gods goblins.
They are trained in jujitsu. Okay, sweet.
That's actually makes a lot of sense, more wise somehow.
So I don't know, but Dobby does have the magical abilities.
You know, yeah, yeah. He can cast spells without a
wand. He can, and he can do like the

(08:33):
elf version of apparating. That's totally not apparating.
That's true. Seems to be able to break the
rules of apparating. Well, we can help it in
Hogwarts, because that's how well, well, just for the
narrative, really. We.
Can just just do it in and out of the Malfoy dungeon.
Yeah, you know, I. Never thought to put a
protective spell on that. She definitely wrote herself
into a corner for like a week and was sitting there just on

(08:55):
her balcony like fuck what can. I do Oh.
Fuck. Oh, Dobby.
Of course, Dobby. Comes.
And then he dies. But didn't Dobby work at that
house for like 15 years Like. Don't ask too many questions
about this. I also forgot to mention the
Gringotts goblin. This seems like a pretty vital
piece of information. Specifically is the one that

(09:17):
takes Hagrid to the Chamber of the whatever the thing to get
the Oh yeah, the one that goes lamp please, he bleeds.
Yeah, yeah, terrifying. Yeah, I think so too.
I think Dobby's just knocked outstraight away.
Dobby Dobie's pretty weak. All right, so Gringot's Goblin
that goes lamp bleeds, is has made it through.
That brings us onto our next one.

(09:39):
OK Flitwick versus Aragog. Professor Fitwick, also a man of
short stature, very similar to the Gringot's Goblin, actually.
First thing, a giant spider. OK yeah.
And all of their children. He does know Wingardium Leviosa.
That's actually, you know, he could, he could do that.
He could throw Aragog's babies at his face, you know, like, I
feel like Flipwig. Low key is about us.

(10:01):
Yeah. I think he's, I think he's
packing. He is in many ways.
Flipwick yeah, yeah. But he's like, I feel like you
see how angry he gets, like in He's the Half Blood Prince when
Harry rocks up late 'cause like mouthful is broken.
His nose, right? He's like an.
Unchained beast there. Something he's not, he's not

(10:23):
talking about, Yeah. Jesus, Flitwig, there's there's
a history there. He's he's got some, some
unresolved trauma he needs to really sort out.
Haragog. You're a Haragog.
Wins. And then Aragog definitely just
like wraps him up just straight away just beat him.
I agree. I think Aragog probably would
win, yeah. Aragog would win a lot of these

(10:44):
fights I. Feel like yeah, how does he?
Oh no, he dies eventually, doesn't he?
He just dies. Of like either a panic attack or
just. COVID got him, yeah.
COVID, yeah. It was the Omicron.
Yeah, it's my God in the peak. Oh, I.
Didn't wear a mask? No good.
Did it wipe down my groceries? Well, you.
Saw how him and his kids were living.

(11:05):
There was no social distancing going on at all.
No toilet. Space.
They're all shitting everywhere,yeah.
All right, that brings us on to our next one, Hedwig versus
Hermione's cat. OK.
Yeah, all. Right, so we got an owl
versusing a cat that's in a in amovie like once trained to eat
birds. Yeah, that's true.

(11:27):
Something weird. Going on with that cat as well,
because it kind of knows who's like an animal an an animagus or
not like a point in so there's a.
Lot more like fleshed out character with Hermione's cat in
the books they just kind of likeI think.
It's like a Peter Pettigrew situation.
Like I think it's a person hiding as that cat.
Oh my. God, it's like Ron.

(11:48):
You never see Ron and the cat inthe same location.
Yeah, that's. A good theory, yeah, it's Ginger
as well, so that's. True, yeah.
I reckon you're on to something there because I.
Think the only plot point that Cat had in the whole movie
franchise was eating the the ear.
You know, when they're like, eavesdropping?
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah. It ate the ear.
And that was it. It just it was a way for Ron and

(12:08):
Hamidi to fight in that book. And you're like, dude, this
sucks. Yeah.
Yeah, stop fighting to. Solve the mystery, guys.
All right. Yeah, cool.
Yeah, yeah, I I think the Cav wins, yeah.
I think so too. And Hedwig also got, you know,
got ganked, got killed as well. Ganked.
Yeah, I feel like. Ganked could be something
terrible but I just do not know.They're like.
It was like, dude, I call you, you said that, dude, bro, you

(12:31):
the hell? All right, the next one I've got
is Draco Malfoy versus. This one's quite long versus a
boggart that looks like first year Harry, and he looks like he
really doesn't want to shake anyone's hand.
All right, Yeah, A. Reference to in the first movie
where Draco goes, Yeah, I think you need to make friends with

(12:52):
the right people. And he holds his hand out and
Harry was not having any, wasn't.
Happening. And he was done from that point
on, yeah. And.
From that point on, he's done. The pocket wins, Yeah.
Draco doesn't do anything. I think that's his biggest fear.
I feel like being publicly humiliated like that first year,
Yeah, 5 minutes in the Hogwarts day.

(13:14):
That was probably going through that in his head.
He's like, I'm going to get in there.
I'm going to tell everyone I'm aMalfoy.
Everyone's going to Yeah. And has is like Nah.
Bro yeah, he's like. You man fuck.
I can't believe that happened tome.
Cash. You Potter.
Yeah, that's it for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna make it my lifes mission to fucking hate this

(13:35):
guy. You guys could have been really
good friends. They could have been, they could
have been besties, you know, it's the tragedy instead.
He made friends with Crab and Goyle and Dumbled and Flame or
Blaze or something. Blaze.
And the IT was a crab just got like arrested the Dr. possession
and. Like, let's introduce Blaze and.
Not tell anyone. Yeah.

(13:56):
So you like crab looks so different in this movie.
What is going on and? And this was around the time
that I was playing Pokémon Ruby.Oh, nice.
And I had a Blaziken. Yep.
And I like it. Nicknamed it Blaze.
And I was like, dude, what the fuck?
Did they just fuck? Was Jackie Robin playing Pokémon
Might? Have man the and you think he
showed all those fantastic bass.She's like, that's true.

(14:16):
Look, this is a jiggly poof and you're like, that's a little, I
guess so opened out there. Dude, I don't, I actually don't
want to know what happened now all.
Right. Is that Frank?
Murdering. People, you should probably
check on that all right, so we just heard like a really Big
Bang in the background it sounded suspiciously like a body
hitting the ground so he's goingto investigate and if I hear

(14:40):
screams I'm not going after him I.
Think the wind just shut my window?
Yeah, it did. I hope.
So either that or you got a jumper.
What's? Something that something just
flew past that window a second ago.
Dude that. Actually did sound like jumper,
like almost identical to it. OK, that was OK.
So you reckon the Boggart would win?

(15:01):
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, Yeah, I'd agree. Everything against Draco Malfoy
wins, I would say yeah. I've never seen Draco do a good
spell. No, he does that really weird
spell where he'd like snakes. A real life snake, yeah, but the
snake doesn't do anything and. It just sits there and it's
like, what the fuck? Am I alive?
Oh my God, who? Am I I can?

(15:23):
Think I can feel. And then Snape just comes up.
What the fuck is this? Kills it.
It's like and three seconds of life, yeah.
Experience. Joy for three seconds, it's
like. You know when you like a baby
chick hatches and the first thing it like sees is what it
bonds to and it just saw that kid and it was like, Oh my God,
I I really I love this kid is like my my mother and then gets

(15:47):
immediately obliterated. A lot of cadaver that.
Was really unnecessary snake. Pause.
No, you're not getting the Defense Against the Dark Arts
position, but that was crazy, Yeah.
That was, that was fucking wild.And then that the other dude,
the Defense Against the Dark Arts guy, just kind of winks it
up for some reason. Oh yeah.
Lockhart. Yeah.

(16:07):
Lockhart. SUS Hart.
What was? That man, I don't know.
What was going on with that guy?I don't, I don't get it,
winking. At little girls at the school
that. Was fucking yeah now that I
think about it, that was really weird he's.
One of the most children. Please sign my book, I have.
Enough time for all of you, please, especially.
You, Hermione. And you're like, OK.
Yeah, that was really. Weird Dumbledore, Lady, He

(16:30):
definitely. Doesn't have a blue card.
No for sure. Working with kids, yeah, at all.
Like, yeah, definitely. Not and why would people
continue to want to be Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers
when every year for like 50 years people die?
They've always died or had something horrific happen to
them. I don't.
Know he somehow got slug horn todo it.
Yeah, but he would. Have been the last like person

(16:52):
you'd want to hire as well because.
Yeah, he's like SUS. Too, he had a.
Bad history as well. He has photos of of kids in his
on his. Walls.
Work and he's. Got like has like after hours
parties with kids with alcohol and you're like, these kids are
at high school bro and we teach you how to make.
Liquid luck Next. Next we're gonna be teaching you

(17:14):
how to make roofies. Yeah, which?
Is love potion basically? Yeah, that's actually true.
Just a roofie. And he did make them make a love
potion. And Rono.
'S like super into that. He's like.
He's like, yeah, get my hands. On some of this love potion,
Yeah, OK. I actually learnt recently, I
don't know if it's something in like the Cursed Child or
something that a love potion wasused on Voldemort's father by

(17:37):
the mother and that's why he hasthe inability to love or
something like that. I've.
Heard that. Yeah, it would make sense.
It would make. Sense, I guess, but like I think
or he's just evil. Yeah, he's.
Just evil. He's like Ted Bundy, man.
Yeah. Yeah, he's just gonna.
Kill people. I'm like.
That means that there's probablyheaps of Voldemort's rocking
around here. There's no way that she's the
only person that's used to love potions successfully.

(17:58):
Oh no. Exactly like these people that's
come out of a stupor after like 40 years of marriage, They're
like, I got this like tiny housein the suburbs.
I was living the life and then Iwoke up.
She'd like love potion me for 40years.
Terrible. Dude, Rita Skater would have a
field day with that. Yeah, but.
She's a cricket now. Like she's.
Oh yeah. That's right, she's like in.

(18:19):
A jar? Yeah.
What the hell is? Diabolic.
Yeah. What the is that gonna be in the
show? Probably.
Like. The new HBO like true to the
book series. Just see, like Hermione, just
tap in the jar and read the skid.
Sadistic in the books, and she wipes.
Her parents memories, yeah. The whole thing, just with no.
Explanation. Yeah, that was weird.
Hey, guys. Look over there for like right

(18:41):
in the back of the head and you just see their eyes like glaze
over. They're like.
Lobotomizes the go to Australia.True.
Yeah. Why would they come here as
well, of all places? I don't know.
It's so far away. And they?
Came on like a colony ship as well.
They could have just taken a plane.
They're like no one comes to Australia on those anymore.
JK. Rowling has not lived a lot of

(19:03):
life. She spends a lot of time behind
a typewriter. She does.
Yeah, and Twitter. Yeah, and formerly Twitter.
That's a good point. Yeah.
Next up we have OK, this this next one is Body Crouch Junior
versus a Chapstick, OK. Yeah, that's a hard one, yeah.
Buddy Crouch Junior loves licking his lips.
He does. He does, Yep.

(19:25):
That is, I didn't. Get that till, he explained.
That to me you're like, yes, Chapstick, I was just like,
yeah, where's this going see the.
Connection. It's so obvious, Yeah, the
chapstick wins. I think I.
Think so, Yeah, I mean, body. Crouch cannot stop licking his
lips. Not even.
When he's in disguise, yeah. Like we know it's you that licks
your lips that. Is a weird tick.

(19:46):
For him to have well documented,yeah.
Never explained either what he got.
Like thrown out of Doctor Who, bro, I was licking your lips.
He was. Method acting on Santos?
Yeah, he was. Just doing the whole wait, yeah,
fucking what's his name? 30 seconds to watch Jared Leto.
Yeah, he's doing the whole JaredLeto.
He's rocking up with dead thingsin his pocket.
They're like, God, we can't havethis guy said.

(20:07):
Anymore. Yeah, this guy's a liability.
Oh. God get him out of here, You.
Crouch Junior kind of say like aquestion in in the trial.
Yeah, it was. Yeah.
No, Yeah. Do you remember?
That when he's like, he's like, they're like, oh, tell us like
the names of the Death Eaters and he's like Barty Crouch.
And it was like, and he goes junior.

(20:27):
Yeah, it was. Like he's going to pull out like
Junior Mints or something. Like it's an AS junior.
And you're like. You get Junior mints, you can
have 14 kids, you can. Thank you, super.
Villa. Villa Rao.
Damn. That's this is a good, good guy
to get sponsored by this. He loves licking his lips.
He's running away, so you reckon?
The chapstick would win, yeah. Yeah, Yeah.

(20:49):
I think that might be the low key winner of this whole
tournament. Yeah.
I, I I. Agree.
I don't know, let's you know. Let's say give it, give it some.
Time We've also got shark head Victor Crumb.
OK. Yeah.
And. He's versing the age of consent.
Yep. Yep, that's yeah.
He loses to that every time, doesn't he?
Yeah, yeah, his age. Is so ambiguous.
I think he's like 17 or 18 in the books.

(21:12):
Yeah. And her mind's like 14 in that
something. Like that and then they.
Start dating. He's old.
Enough to play in like the world.
Real Quidditch. So like he.
Could be 17 to 22. Yeah, yeah.
And. Hermione is not.
Yeah, that. Yeah.
And she's actually still in school.
Yes, she's. Very much in school and they're.
Pen pals for a long time too. Yeah, A.

(21:33):
Suspicious amount of time? Yeah, like.
All the way to like the last book.
Yeah, that was that was weird. Yeah, real weird.
It's also. Shark head Victor Crumb.
So he's also only got like a very small peanut sized brain.
True. True.
And he's kind of like hoping he'll get cast in the Street
Sharks reboot like later that year.
So he's just kind of staying there.

(21:53):
He's. Like, no, this would be worth
it, yeah. I don't know if anyone's going
to get that reference. St.
Sharks, I'm sure. Somebody will, somebody like.
Fuck yeah dude. St.
Sharks one person in the comments.
Well, I can. Subscribe Sharks, man, I gotta.
Listen to this guy's podcast more.
This is sick. Please don't.
Yeah. All right.
The age of consent. All right, That brings us to our
last battle. But then we've got to, you know,

(22:15):
then we've got to narrow it downafter this.
Yeah. Yeah.
Our last battle is Dumbledore. Except this is Dumbledore when
he's halfway through drinking that that Horcrux water.
And he's kind. Of like no more no more.
That thing and a literal pig raised for slaughter.

(22:35):
OK, Yep, Yep. As we know, he raised Harry like
a pig for slaughter. That's true.
Yeah, that's true. As famously said by Snape.
By Snape, like up the guys rolled out the quite, quite good
guy Dumbledore. Yeah, he does ramble some pretty
off key stuff. You know, he's talking about
killing his sister and yeah. He's like crying and stuff,

(22:55):
sorry. Yeah, the pig.
Maybe the pig wins this one. Pigs.
Can eat people, yeah. If we're going by like, who has
more moral clarity, we're definitely gonna go with the pig
because Dumbledore low key the villain of the franchise, Yeah.
That's a good point. Like all of this?
Stuff. And he's, he introduces

(23:15):
Voldemort. Yeah, Like he clearly saw.
He's like a serial killer. Damn.
He's. Fucking crazy.
We should take him to the school.
Give him a scholarship, man, actually.
Superhuman powers. This kid that's openly admitted
to torturing animals and like what?
Like killing students or something?
And he's like, you know what? Come to Hogwarts.

(23:37):
Yeah. Hogwarts is a great place to be,
actually, and see what would happen.
That's bad. Hogwarts is great.
We've got giant snakes in the walls.
We've got a groundskeeper that threatens to murder students.
It's kind of good. Has kids in his Hut after hours
for an unspecified amount of time.
Don't worry about it. This guy's going to be fine.
Yes. Nothing could be worse than the

(23:58):
orphanage you're in. First doesn't even have a
working toilet seat lid. Look at this thing wobbles all
over the place and don't worry about it.
You look great bald. Yeah, all right.
So you reckon the pig? Well, what do?
You reckon I I? Dumbledore in that state is like
he's. Still pretty useless like those
fucking flames though. Is that's before he drinks

(24:19):
though, isn't it? That's after he finishes finish
it. That's like him neck and a
fucking cake of that stuff. Yeah, he's still like.
It was the flames. Like he.
Manages to like, shoot a real precise flame underwater.
That's a good. Point that like hits.
Like this junkie that's just like pulled hazard under the
water. Yeah, he's like, I don't know,
like even Dumbledore laced out is still pretty powerful that.

(24:44):
Is actually that is a good point.
Fuck, Dumbledore might clear this.
Damn, I gotta go up. Against the chapstick though, I
guess. He could beat a literal thing
that's true all right well that brings us to our next battles.
Let me draw the the beast battlethe lines in here for our visual
listeners. I'm.
Like I wouldn't have got what was going on.

(25:05):
OK so our next battle is MonsterBook VS Aracog.
OK. Yeah.
Well, I feel. Sentient book with like 8.
It kind of looks like a monster in itself.
It's like a little. Bit of a spider, yeah.
It could probably. Bite his heels, you know, that's
a little bit of tendon damage, you know?
All it needs to do is cough on him and then gets yeah.

(25:26):
It got Harry's nuts. So like maybe it could like
sneak up on Aragog. That's.
True his. Left testicle and yeah.
How do you kill a book? That's a good question.
Well, Harry stabbed it with a snake tooth.
Apparently that's true. That's the only way to kill a
book. Yeah.
No, the the Aragog wins. OK.
Yeah, no, that's fair. That's fair.
Aragog. Aragog clears that one pretty

(25:47):
easy. Next we got the Gringot's
goblin, specifically the one that goes Lamplise versus
Hermione's cat. OK, Yeah.
Yeah, it's real. It's a real.
It's a. It's a noodle scratcher.
Yeah, I think the goblin, the goblin hands down, was strained.
In MMA, we're. Getting jiu jitsu.
Yeah, that's. True.
Yeah, according to our tweets. Yeah.

(26:08):
Yeah. All right.
Well, yeah, that's pretty easy. And then Next up, we got the
Bogut that looks like first yearHarry, and he looks like he
really doesn't want to shake someone's hand versus the age of
consent. OK.
I mean, the age of consent always wins in Harry Potter
universe. You.
Know what and that and that's why the age of consent always
wins. And everyone, we're all learning
something here so yeah, yeah, yeah.

(26:30):
And then we've got Dumbledore, specifically him when he drinks
the the potion. I don't.
Want to drink? Anymore versus chapstick, I
mean. The chapstick, right?
Yeah, I. Mean his lips would be let's be
he's asking for water. That's actually that's so she
was like dehydrated, Yeah. And like.
If he doesn't get the chapstick or water, yeah, he gets him

(26:51):
water. That's how he does the flames.
He goes. To put the chapstick on the
chapstick like shrinks back intohis tube because he like can't
drink the folder. But saw that far away and he's
like, he's not gonna allow wateror what if he gets a chapstick?
Yeah, he's not gonna be allowed to have a chapstick at that
point. Yeah, there's more crux.
So yeah, I think I think that's true though.
Yeah, I think the chapstick winsthere.
Run away. With this, I reckon, yeah.

(27:12):
That leaves us with the semi finals.
We have Aragog versus the age ofconsent and the Gringotts Goblin
versus a chapstick. Let's go with Aragog and the age
of consent first. I.
Mean. Yeah, that's a hard one.
That's pretty easy. What?
Is the age of consent in the spider world he's.

(27:33):
Pretty old, right? Yeah, he's a.
Pretty old dude. Or she.
She isn't a she. And I think she was.
Was she pregnant when she escaped?
Yeah. What's Hagrid been doing?
Yeah. That.
Well, that. Maybe she lost to the age of
concerns, you know, friends. Of Hagrid tell.
Him He owes me child support payments for 7000 children.
Tell him how to use a condom. Oh my God, I've got 5000 kids.

(27:57):
I'm trying feeding all these that's.
So true. Got food?
Stamps. None of them work brings.
Two small second year students and then our our goes like yeah,
that'll feed all like 700 of my kids.
Yeah, we just. Split it nice and evenly.
Everyone gives an eye. Yeah.
You get an eyelash, you know? Yeah, Yeah.
They were pretty big. Yeah.
Yeah, they were pretty big. Big spiders too.

(28:20):
What are you gonna go? On this one, this is a hard 1.
I feel like this is like, this is neck and neck, yeah.
Like, yeah, I. Think, you know, I, I kind of
feel like Aragog. He's a spider.
He doesn't abide by the laws of man.
I think he would beat the age ofconsent.
It's just a piece. Of paper, Really.
Yeah. Well, let me you know what, I'm
just gonna, I'm just gonna brushover that.

(28:41):
I'm gonna say Aragog won, and then we've got the Gringot's
goblin. Specifically the one goes lamp
base versus a chapstick. OK, yeah, they're pretty old and
crusty, I think. So yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think's going to winon this one?
I think like, I don't know. I feel like the Gringot's goblin
could use that thing down to thebone.
True. True, true.

(29:02):
Yeah. They got like sharp teeth.
Oh, that's. He could eat it.
Yeah, that's a good point. Nice.
For his teeth lock. It in a safe, yeah.
And then goblin shut. It yeah, he could win.
Yeah, yeah, Chapstick, he's madehis match.
Damn. All right, I didn't expect that,
but here we go. It's knocked.
Down I'll be. Honest, I did not expect the the
finale to be Aragog versus a Gringot's goblin, but here we

(29:25):
are, all right. Yeah.
I've connected these wrong. I've just noticed.
There we go. The finale.
Aragog versus the Gringot's Goblin.
Specifically the one that goes to Lamp.
Please, Can you please? Yeah, it's tough.
Giant spider. Yeah.
Or a guy that's really likes lamps, you know?
Yeah. And rides a roller coaster every
day to work. Yeah, the craziest.

(29:47):
Jacked though, like that, the G force, you know, like maybe he'd
be able to like pick Aragog up he.
Actually used to be the size of a like a regular guy because of
all the GS. It's just crushed.
It's crushed him. Down, but he's jacked, he's like
he takes he's like Ned Flanders.He just takes off his shirt, but
he's just jacked. Come.
On Aragog. I could see that happening.

(30:09):
The thing God's goblins are underestimated.
I. Think he wins?
Yeah, I think. So too.
Well, they have it, guys. Sword in a in a vault as well.
That's. Actually true, you know, Yeah,
he got his fucking. Legs off the.
Giant dragon, that's prison. Actually, now I think about that
he's got he's. Got equipment?
The goblins. Are kind of pieces of shit.
They're like, they're like, whatif we just trap an entire dragon

(30:31):
down in the depths underground to protect a couple of safes?
Kind of you're going to feed it who's who's taking care of the
job. Is it even in the vicinity to?
Like is it even able to defend anything or are you just going
to chain it down so it can't escape in a?
Miscellaneous area not near the vaults, no.
Not near the vaults at all place.

(30:52):
That if it flies through the ceiling, it breaks the whole the
whole vaults. Directly in the center of
Gringot's bank so that it can just go all the way up through
to the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good point, man. The goblins actually aren't as
smart as I thought, No. No.
Yeah, Logic. If Logic was on this, it would

(31:12):
win. Handstand.
Not the rapper. Yeah, just hardcore facts.
Logic. Not, yeah, not well, Maybe the
rapper. He might.
He's pretty good. Yeah, he's fast.
He's he's fast. What?
What kind of drew you to Harry Potter to start making content
about it? Dude, I'm gonna look like the
biggest fraud right now. Like I like Harry Potter when I

(31:34):
started makeup, but like, I didn't intend to become the
Harry Potter guy. Yeah, I mean, me too.
That was the kind of the same sort of thing I was that with.
Minecraft like well. Kind of all of those things.
You start making a few videos onthat stuff and then you just
become the guy. It's weird.
Isn't it because it kind of likea pigeon holes you into being a
very specific thing? And I do like how I like listen

(31:56):
to it. I go to sleep to it like Stephen
Fry. So soothing.
So somber. Man, like yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I've. Tried like listening to other
Stephen Fry books, like just to like spice things up and I'm
like, I'm not listening to him like read A Christmas Carol.
It's just not the same. It's.
True. Or him talking about like like a
book he wrote? What was it like the human one

(32:17):
about that evolution? Like Greek?
Mythology. And he did.
That one too, yeah. That one, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
got. About halfway through Sapiens
and I was like dude. That's rough.
Yeah, that's a hard book, man. Dude this guy researched a lot.
There's crops to. It this guy.
Really likes Sapiens, he. Likes Stories Stories have the
power to shape reality. Yeah, so they say.

(32:38):
So they say, yeah, I mean, it isa bit like that, I suppose.
But you've you've been branchingout and doing, you did Twilight
stuff as well. Twilight was.
Doing all right, so that's like,but it is kind of hard and
you've probably experienced thisto like try and break out of the
niche that YouTube's put you in.It's just gonna keep like
serving you to that audience again and again.
And then they'll be like, I didn't sign up for this.

(33:01):
You're like, but I'm feeling creatively trapped here, guys.
Like I've done literally 400 Harry Potter videos and they're.
Like and keep going and they're.Like you're not fresh anymore.
You're like do. Another one do another one bro
do it do it. Yes, like a dancing.
Monkey in a cage. It it does get like that.
I mean, yeah, it really does. It's it's one of those things

(33:23):
even with my shorts and like moving to do long form stuff is
so different from the shorts as well.
Yeah, you. You've managed to break out
quite successfully, I would say.Like, yeah.
I guess it's still like an uphill battle.
You've just got to be, you've just got to be like, no, you
will like this. You just just keep doing it.
Being like no listen. Here algorithm eat the burger.

(33:43):
Yeah, watch the video. It will happen and.
Like, do you find that, like, your hardcore fans will follow
you across to that stuff? Because like every now and then
I'll try something and they're just like, dude, this is an and
you're like, oh man. That sucks.
It's very it's, you know, there's always going to be
people that enjoy the different things that you do.
Like there's people that watch the streams that really like the

(34:05):
shorts but don't watch the long form videos or vice versa.
People that only watch long formvideos.
I someone found me just from Spotify because I like, yeah, I
they have like a YouTube featurenow.
Yeah, it's getting there. Yeah, they're like, have you
seen? It's like got a create button
there down in the bottom right. Really.
So like it's like straight up like like TikTok and shit like
the hell, I can create somethingright here.

(34:26):
You're like, oh dude, this is. No longer the listening app?
No, it's like. What is this?
Everyone's doing shorts now. You're like.
Yeah, that's that's, but they just want a piece of that, of
course, that pie. Yeah, yeah, they want the.
Algorithm that like hooks you inlike cocaine it is.
Pretty, it seems pretty like adjacent though, because you
know, I, I pretty much because Igot YouTube premium, I'll put on

(34:46):
like a Charlie video in the morning or something and I'll
just like lock my phone and justhave a shower while listening.
I don't even watch the video. I just listen to the video.
Yeah, yeah. You know, apparently a.
Lot of people do that with my videos, True.
Maybe they don't like my face orsomething.
They're like, dude, I just listen to your videos.
I'm like firstly, my voice alonewould be really annoying, but

(35:07):
secondly, like what's wrong withmy face?
Guys come. On and and they're like, they're
long videos too Videos. Yeah, people have them on like
playlists. People tell me they go to sleep
listening to my voice. Damn, that's.
Kind of like Stephen. I'm like Stephen Fry for some
people. I was like, alright, you need.
To start adding subliminal messaging, yeah.
Join the Navy. Yeah, do it.

(35:29):
The Army is the best thing you'll ever do.
It's a career that you can't turn down.
And the job? Market is failing like wow
there's always more wars they. Wake up and they're like wow,
why do I feel like doing 20 pushups right now?
And. God, I'm serving my.
Country. Yeah, I've been listening.
To this podcast for three weeks,and I'm jacked, yeah.
This is actually kind of sick, Idon't believe.
Like sniper skills out of. Nowhere like.

(35:51):
I feel like I could shoot the hairs off the back of that guy's
neck. Yeah, damn.
I mean, that's pretty cool. It does kind of make the amount
of editing and stuff like that and like all the effort you put
in to be like, oh man, should I even be bothering putting, like,
effects on this thing? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it is. It is a weird one because, like,
you do want to put in that effort, and I'm sure you have

(36:13):
this as well. It's like, I have like, like
this crippling anxiety of just wanting to give the best to the
audience, you know, of just like, they've clicked on your
video, they've given you their time, and you don't want to,
like, fuck around with it, you know what I mean?
Like, and I feel like there are a lot of people that just take
the piss with that stuff. Yeah.

(36:33):
Yeah, you do have to respect theaudience for sure, because at
the end of the day, yeah, they they click on your video
thinking they're going to have agood time for 20 minutes or an
hour or whatever. And if you're like just fucking
around for like extending the time kind of thing, it's Yeah,
the. Preamble.
The preamble, like, yeah, this is like the 30th video I've made

(36:54):
on this topic. Guys, did you watch the last
ones? Yeah.
So this is a Steam Deck, and you're like, you just want to
hear about the Steam Deck, bro? Yeah.
That's what I want to hear. Yeah.
There's nothing worse than goingon to those like tutorial
YouTube channels and there's like 30 second intro with like
old YouTube Music, the graphics.Yeah.
And then they like start talkingabout just like, hey, guys,

(37:16):
welcome to my video if you're new.
Like I'm like dude, just tell mewhat I came here exactly right.
This is a 4 minute tutorial. What I'm asking you to show me
is 15 seconds. It's not that.
Hard, yeah. How do I change the cursor to
the cut tool on Final Cut Pro belike?
Right at the end of the video, you're like, thanks for
listening, guy, This is how you doing?

(37:36):
Yeah, I missed it. I gotta go back now.
Like the retention. They got me on the and they got.
That little spike that just shows it's a massive spike.
One thing that the dip as. Soon as it comes in and then
like straight to the part they need, they have a.
Brand deal for a tutorial. They're like, guys, this is how
to set up Windows Vista. Anyway, let's talk to our
sponsor right now. RAID Shadow Legends, Yeah.

(37:58):
Raid shadow it's like everyone raid shadow LED and like who is
this like Casper mattresses likeoh.
Yeah, I haven't. I haven't got any Casper
mattresses. More of a Spotify thing.
Aye. Oh yeah, yeah, I get Casper.
Actually, no, not for a while. What is it now?
It's like gamersubs. Gamersubs is a big one.
I get. I get a lot of like, just weird,

(38:18):
weird ones. I got one for like an insurance
company or something. I was like what the fuck?
How is this that's? Strange man, just.
Yeah, on a podcast I was like, sorry dude, I thought I was
listening to some 2 dudes talk and now I'm I'm getting
insurance. I was like ideas like.
What is this podcast like? There's nothing.
Well, one of my biggest sponsorsis like an accounting company.

(38:38):
Oh. Really.
They're like, so chill. Yeah.
It's like my stuff's pretty edgyand like they were just like, we
really love your channel. Is that?
O2 yeah. I was like, guys, I was like,
guys, like it's got nothing to do with your app, but like, if
you're cool enough to like, advertise, like let's do it and
then just let me do whatever I want.
That's actually sick. They're like a good partner to

(39:00):
have. Like they kind of get YouTube
advertising. They're not like making me read
a billion things. They're like, yeah, like put it
2 seconds into the video. So people definitely won't just
like, leave the video straight away.
Like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the most.
Outrageous. Like brand?
Ask you've had. I've had somebody ask for, yeah,

(39:21):
like the first 30 seconds of thevideo to like put it the product
in and be like no, no, no. The.
Ad read is yeah and it. Is like a it's like the ad read
can be between 60 and 90 seconds, but we're gonna give
you enough talking points where it has to be 2 1/2 minutes for
you to read the whole thing likeJesus Christ like this is
awesome It's like. One of those gambling ads where

(39:42):
they. Just said come to Gamble town
and. There's a by the way, gambling
will cause you cancer. Dude, I've, I've had a bit for
that for so long. I've thought about doing a video
of like a gambling video where it's like, you know, just a skid
of just, you know, and it might not happen overseas, but in
Australia, you'll have like a crazy big celebration like a

(40:02):
sports bet ad. And they'll be like, yeah, woo,
I like won $1,000,000. And then it'll just hard cut to
a black screen with texts and it's like gambling is ruining
your life. If you need help, call this
hotline. I just thought it'd be so fine
to get more and more ridiculous,like different ads where he's
like on a jet ski, He's like, well, I just won $1,000,000.
And it's like, Dave, come home, we need you at home.

(40:23):
Your daughter hasn't seen you insix months, Dave.
Dave, don't double down. You've just lost the house.
Quit. While you're ahead, quit while
you're ahead. Dave, it's OK.
Your your kids need ya. What are you even doing if one
wants in three years? You're not going to win that
back. The multi's not going to pay

(40:43):
off. I'm in.
Too deep now, babe, I'm in too deep.
I've got to keep going. I've got to double down.
I. Went to a screening the other
night to watch the F1 movie. Oh.
Nice. Yeah, I was going to go to that,
but like, it's hard to get out. Yeah, yeah, it was.
It was at the Crown Casino. Was it good?
It was actually a really good movie.
Yeah, but after the movie finished, Emma and I, my

(41:07):
partner, we were like, we're in the casino.
Why don't we fucking do a littlebit of gambling?
Gambling. On Yeah and.
We went to this roulette table, which was like $5 roulette and I
was like, OK, that's pretty cheap.
Nice. So I put a $50.00 in, I get
$50.00 in chips and they go, oh,by the way, if you want to just
bet red and black, it's $50 minimum.
What I was like. That's that's a new rule.

(41:28):
Yeah, that's steep. They keep doing that.
They keep adding rules. Not that I go a lot, but every
time I go, every couple of years, I'm like, let's play
blackjack. And they're like, yeah, by the
way, this is kind of blackjack, except it's heavily skewed in
our favor now. Yeah.
They're like, you can't count cards, The only thing that you
can do to win in this casino, and you're gonna sign this form,

(41:49):
You're gonna get one of your kidneys when you leave.
Yeah, man, this is brutal. You're like.
Why do people still come here? There's a bathtub.
With ice there, right next to the table, some guys waking up
from a drug addict it's gonna be.
Worth it I can. Buy 3 kidneys when I win dude I.
Won on roulette 3 weeks ago. It changed my life.
You like? Have you even got lungs?
Oh no, changed my life a little worse.

(42:12):
Yeah. And we were like, all right,
let's just do one bit and let's see how it goes.
Fair enough. We put put it on red and Emma
was like, it's got to be red. So I put it on red and then
she's like maybe change it to black.
And I was like, OK, change it toblack.
It was red. And we lost and.
There. Was a moment in my head where I
was like, if I just put another $50 on it, I might win that

(42:33):
money back. You might.
And you might be able to pay offthis house.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know what I mean. Like and.
Then I was then reality set and I was like, that is literally
how they they get you. I don't think I've ever had a
good gambling experience, so I don't think I could get addicted
even if I tried because I just keep losing.
Yeah, I. Just like I can't turn off that
part of my brain, but they're just taking my money.

(42:57):
Yeah, that's. Literally all they're doing,
like they're moving cards arounda table, but.
Hey. Check this is cool look.
At this, there's a magician nextto you.
Like doing magic? Check that little.
Twirly thing is, empty your pockets.
Empty your pockets. They've.
Just got Subway Surfers on like a small device next to you
gambling. Yeah, you're like.
Swipe here, hit microtransaction.

(43:19):
OK, you're like, oh, I guess. If I have to guys crown casino.
This is sponsored by Crown Casino Guys.
No, no, no, please. Oh, man.
That brings us on to our next segment.
All right, all right, let me just pull it up real quick.
I think I. Answered your original question.
I don't even. Know what that question was all

(43:40):
right. Let's go.
Familiar. This next segment is called
Familiar or fraud. All right, this is where I Yeah,
you should. You should.
This is a quiz. It's kind of a quiz.
We basically there will be 4 real magical creatures from the

(44:02):
Harry Potter universe and one magical creature that I have
personally made-up. And you have to guess which one
it is. Fraud.
OK, yeah. All right, First up is the
flobberworm. OK?
This is a fat brown worm that literally does nothing, OK?
It just sits there and it's onlydefense is squirting mucus All

(44:24):
right? Well, I mean, sounds useless.
I don't know why someone would invent something like that, but
let's keep going. Let's keep going, let's keep.
Going All right, Next up, we've got the Hinky punk.
OK, that's a little wispy creature that lures travellers
into bogs. It has one leg, all right?
It just hops, just hops around and it carries a Lantern and and

(44:45):
it's supposed to little be all coming.
In this bog, OK. I'll.
Kill you, I guess. I don't know why it wasn't.
Already in a bog. What's it doing in the bog?
Is it like a bog? Like a toilet?
Like there's been no toilet paper in here for the last 50
years? Yeah, it's good.
I just cleaned it, guys. Yeah.
Bog. Please.
Just come in here please. And next we have the jism.

(45:08):
Okay, It's a worm that lives deep in caves and squirts any
explorers with ectoplasm that leaves them blind and unable to
navigate their way out. Jism.
Okay, yeah. Just sounds like.
My old principle. Well, okay.
Let's just let's not go. Into that next we've got the
cheese. Purple cheese.

(45:28):
Purple. Okay, Yep, A.
Tiny crab like parasite that infests magical items.
All right, So it's kind of like crabs for the magical world, but
only on magical items. All right.
All right, that sounds like it could be plausible.
OK, Yeah. And then, then lastly, we've got
the snidget the. Snidget which almost.

(45:49):
Sounds like a derogatory term, but the snidget is a tiny,
golden, super fast bird with rotating wings.
All right, I can give you a little bit more law here.
All right, gives. Which some more basically.
Gives away that it is a real one.
Basically used in early Quidditch until people realized
they were murdering an endangered species for sport.

(46:09):
Yeah. All right, That's, that's way
too specific. Yeah.
I don't know why I read that out, but it totally knocked one
out. So I guess it's pretty much
between the hinky punk they that's the one legged thing that
Lewis people into the ball, the flabberworm, a fat brown worm
that does nothing, and the jism,a worm that lives deep in caves

(46:30):
and squares explores with ectoplasm on their.
Face I mean I gotta go with the Chism.
Hey, like I feel like that's. Son of a bitch something.
That someone watches in their private browser in Chrome.
You know God, He's. Good.
He's good. And this is and This is why we
bring him on. Look.
You know. That is correct.
The jism was say. You know, yeah, I feel like I've

(46:51):
seen a few jisms in my life, but, you know, like it's Yeah,
yeah. So you're.
An expert. I mean expert Jisms.
That's not a real jism, come on,A real job.
Yeah, it's, I mean, most of her naming conventions are like
that. They're a bit.
Yeah, they are a bit SUS, yeah. Yeah, it's very like, cartoony
weird, like a plunky dink. And you're like, what?
You didn't even try to come up with a name.

(47:11):
I just. Stitched 2 words together, she
was like. I don't know, it's like the.
Manatees, the South Park, the Family Guy riders, Yeah.
Just got some. Manatees in a tank out the back
They just. Grab.
Like she just grabs A verb and like an adverb like a noun or
something. Yep.
Donkey plunker. Yeah, OK.
I. Guess that's something.
It's a donkey. And it but it plunks, but it has

(47:32):
no knees and you're like, is that magical or disabled?
I don't. Know it's well it's it's at
Hogwarts serious questions that.Doesn't seem right.
That confuses me and scares me. JK Rowling.
Yeah, All right. Well, that's and that's man.
That's the. Pod so am IA fraud or like what
did I mean? You won.
Oh shit. You.

(47:52):
Actually won. You are the you're the familiar
you wanna get. You found the fraud.
Yeah, you actually did it. Thanks.
Well, thanks for having me on of.
Course, and thank you for being on now.
I don't know how you're gonna get out of here, but I gotta.
Do like the Superman deal like you gotta Crouch down to like go
up? Is that kind of how this I?
Think so. Otherwise there's there's about
45 flights of stairs to get downto the exit.

(48:15):
We only have one door in and out.
It's really a pain for Uber Eatsdrivers.
It would be or you can smash down below, but who's there?
Hey, Cat. Well mate, well that's.
All. The time we have on the Wizards
Tower. If you'd like to reach the
Wizards, you can send her now tothe Wizards Tower [e-mail]

(48:35):
and you can also follow us on Instagram and TikTok, whatever
the hell that is. Anyway, don't forget to grab
your hat, grab your star, and we'll see you on the next
episode of the Wizards Tower. What makes a great pair of

(48:59):
glasses at Warby Parker? It's all the invisible extras
without the extra cost. Their designer quality frames
start at $95, including prescription lenses plus scratch
resistant, smudge resistant and anti reflective coatings, and UV
protection and free adjustments for life.
To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses or contact

(49:21):
lenses, or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you, head
over to warbyparker.com. That's warbyparker.com.
The Jeep brand has always stood for American Freedom and now
we're standing with you with employee pricing Plus hurry into
your Jeep brand dealer for details today and join the
family Jeep. There's only one offer valid on

(49:41):
select 2024 and 2025 Jeep brand vehicles for non FCA employees
and retirees $200 admin fee applies.
Not all buyers will qualify. Restrictions apply.
Does not apply to leases and six. 3025 Jeep is a registered
trademark of FCAUSLLC.