Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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see if you could save some cash?Progressive makes it easy to see
if you could save when you bundle your home and auto
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Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.
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to redeem your offer. That's COOP
sleepgoods.com/comedy. Buying a car in Carvana was.
So easy I was able to finance itthrough them.
I just. Oh wait, you mean finance?
Yeah, finance. Got pre qualified for a Carvana
auto loan, entered my terms and shot from thousands of great car
options all within my budget. That's cool.
But financing through Carvana was so easy.
Financed. Done.
(01:27):
And I get to pick up my car fromtheir Carvana vending machine
tomorrow. Financed, right?
That's what I said. You can spend time trying to
pronounce. Financing or you can actually
finance and buy your car today on car financing subject to
credit approval. Additional terms and conditions
may apply. Do you remember like a wizard
like consultant for that guy back back a while ago?
(01:48):
It was a while ago that's. Right.
It was, it was. Was that AD or?
BI think it was it was BC. I think yeah, it was definitely.
Yeah, in that time period for sure.
Yeah, what? Was your name I?
Was like some of the. Jay was like John.
Yeah, I think Jack Joseph was his dad.
Joseph was his dad. He was a.
He was a Carpenter. Joseph was a Carpenter.
Yeah, I got that wife that was pregnant.
(02:09):
Yeah, apparently. Oh, sure, but I don't know how
that happens. Yeah, right.
Joseph. Yeah.
But he wanted us to help him turn water into wine.
I remember that being a thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah, that was such a weird.
It's like a beginner spell to learn and.
And he wanted to show off in front of his 12 mates.
Remember those all his mates he had those 12 like oh.
(02:30):
Oh you, you guys should like, can I like walk on water to like
prank him or something. We ended up enchanting those
sandals. The sandals that he's got,
Walkers, his slippers, Yeah. What ended up happening to him?
Yeah, I, I, I might be, but I remember resurrecting him at
least once. He did.
He did. I did resurrect him once.
Yeah, that's right in like a. Cave.
Yeah, it was a cave. Even doing that, I have no idea.
I. Wonder what he's up to these?
(02:50):
Yeah, anyway, welcome back to the Wizards, the Wizard.
Let's let's hit the ground running here with the podcast.
(03:10):
Let's jump straight into anothertop five.
Oh. Yeah, well, this is going to be
good clips. This is going to be good clips
for the clips shower. Yeah, let's find this up right.
Top five best clips on the Wizard's tower.
Let's do that. Number one.
Number one, the one we're posting right this, this clip
right here. This is actually the best best
in top five. We didn't love this one.
(03:33):
This one was a really big hit. It got 400 views.
People really like. Crazy.
Yeah. We got so much hate in the
comments. It was sick.
No. Top five best places to have a
beer in Eldon Red. That's right.
Yeah, we did one last time. We're touching on You did a
list. Yeah, you didn't like my top
five video game beer. Number one League of Legends?
(03:55):
Yeah, the most insufferable Vogan place in the entire world.
Comment on that. It's like you literally picked
the most toxic place to have a beer.
That's a great point. Yeah, definitely.
Let's switch it out this week. So I've come up with five of the
best places to have a beer in Elden Ring.
Number one, just an absolute classic.
Honestly, the most obvious placeto have a beer in Elden Ring.
(04:18):
The top of the tree, great spot.You get through Langdell, the
capital, you walk all the way upto the top.
You kill that weird guy with thecane at the very top again,
again for like the third time. Can he stop coming back?
Please. His cane turns in like a rainbow
sword. Yeah, which I'm a month or
something. I'm like, dude, why didn't you
just have the sword the whole time?
Yeah, I'm going to keep a cane. I'm going to make.
(04:41):
Get stronger. I'm gonna wait for this other
guy that I'm fighting every timeto get stronger and.
There's gonna be people in the comments.
That's law accurate bro. There's gonna be some law video,
dude. You haven't watched Vaati video,
clearly. Yeah, I reckon at the top of
there, just overlooking the whole city, you know, you've got
the earth tree behind you kind of glimmering.
Glowing on you. I feel like it'd be warm.
(05:02):
There's like a warmth to it. I feel like someone gives off a
bit of heat, like a bit of sun. Just just feel at peace there at
the top, just overlooking the whole city, which would be
really cool. That would be nice.
Yeah. And and that's that's that's
number one. That's number.
One and that's great one that's.Great.
Number one. Yeah, number.
Two best places to have a beer in Eldon Ring is the boss arena
(05:23):
of Ranala, Queen of the full Moon.
Yes, in that little boss area, it's a bit of water around, but
I, I'm, I'm thinking you don't get wet with that water.
But you're just chilling. It's just nice ankle high.
Maybe you bring a camp. Chair.
I was gonna say camp chair, one of those like beach chairs.
You can sort of sit back in, just dip your feet in.
Ranala to turn into a moon, yeah.
Just in front of you. That'd be nice.
(05:44):
Yeah, so she's not dead in this premature.
Yeah, you just. Turn into a moon just.
Sit there and just have a beer. She summons a couple of little
guys. We just have beers with you
that. 'D be cool, yeah.
She's as long as it's not like the dogs or something like that.
Yeah, some. There's a couple of little.
Gremlins or like the dog. Like you can watch the dogs,
like, wrestling each other and then, yeah, you flying while
you're having a beer. Yeah, having having a little
(06:04):
sippy, yeah. In this in this scenario, we're
friends with all the people around us.
We. Don't we don't have to except
the old guy in the first? Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The game. We gotta kill him.
Kill him first, then have a beer.
Actually, that sounds sick. Yeah.
Do all this hard work killing him.
Good guy for a 4X, right, man? Yeah, a nice ice cold beer.
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. 3rd best
(06:26):
place to have a beer in Eldon Ring would have to be Knocktron.
Knockron, my God. Start.
Knock Run. The Eternal City.
Yeah, yeah, that little underground city.
You've got the stars, which are actually just like the.
Roof of The Cave. Yeah, you got the whole city
overlooking. Maybe you're on top of the
bridge there. Oh, where you like, you've just
(06:47):
versed yourself, that mimic of yourself.
And then you go over there and then there's that broken bridge
you're looking over. You're just.
Looking over the whole side. There's also that little bit
around the corner that looks over the next city that you go
into. I reckon those little Minotaur
kind of guys that'd be good to. Have a bit of a beer?
Yeah, if they if they they stop just attacking you for 5 minutes
like that. Like that Pepsi commercial with
(07:08):
Kendall Jenner and you just handa Pepsi to them.
There you go. Hey.
How about we just drive? How about we just chill out and
we just have a beard? Again, war over.
Yeah, everywhere. Peace brought to the Undercity.
Maybe, maybe we can all be friends.
Maybe we don't need to attack. You could do an archery with
them and stuff. They shoot those light things,
like teach you archery. Yeah, that'd be good you.
Just be just become really good buds with them and then they do
(07:30):
like some crazy sacrifice. And then you're like, then I'm
gonna get out of here. Yeah.
That's right. These.
Yeah, they're, I remember why wewere Yeah, yeah, we were at
odds. I think about that. #4 best
places to drink a beer and EldenRing has got to be the round
table hold. Yes, that's right.
It's just a classic. It's where you go for a little
(07:50):
bit of respite. You know, you're hanging out
with everybody else. There's that blind chick that's
talking about really depressed. Yeah, she's sitting there.
Oh, I'll give if you give me some, some spirit water,
whatever it is, I'll I'll make your spirit summons better.
I was like, no. It's alright, hang out with the.
Blacksmith, he's all depressed. He's like, yeah, Duke.
This is what I do. I'm changing.
Yeah, I can't be. Bro, let's relax.
(08:12):
How about you just put the anvil?
Yeah, he's always for nothing. Put the hammer down.
Put a beer in there instead. Put a beer in that hand.
Let's have a couple beers. Reminisce about the old times.
You know, before you would. Change You were a slave, and
then you're a slave. Yeah, you've got, you've got
that Lady in the room that always gives you hugs.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I mean, I'm maidenless, so
(08:34):
I could maidenless, you know, a couple beers.
A couple beers. Let's see where this hug leads.
You know what I'm saying, A. Couple enough beers to forget
she's just a giant fish yeah yeah, as well because that's.
That's just your drinks, like a fish, you know what I'm saying?
Let's get fucked up. Let's party.
Party. Yeah, yeah, I think.
That'd be a good spot to just. Yeah, that's not just to relax.
(08:55):
Seems warm and welcoming. In front of the round table?
Yeah, with all. The fire and trying to like talk
to people, but you're gonna lookfor the swords.
Fuck this thing. Start.
The wind changes and the smoke starts blowing in your eyes.
That's the worst Jesus always following you like a beer.
No. You know, it's got all the
swords and you're trying to liketalk to someone on the other
side and you can't. Yeah, man.
Anyway, yeah, remember that timewe killed that guy, like
(09:16):
summoned you and we like killed that dude that grafted himself
onto a bunch of other villagers?Man, that was crazy.
What was his name again? Oh, Godric, the graft.
That's right, original name I. Think about it.
And lastly, I think hands down the best place to drink a beer
in Eldering Windmill Village. And for those that are
unfamiliar, that's the place with all the dancing old ladies
(09:37):
that are like me and they're just having a good old time.
You could just be sitting there at the top of the village, just
having a couple of beers, just. Watching them dance.
Watching them have. Would you ever get there?
After a few, you go down there and dance with them.
I'd dance with them for a beer. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I don't know if they'd welcome you.
I think they're like anti men inthat.
Village. I think they'd be all right, I
think. OK, sick.
I think they've. Already had a few beers.
(09:58):
I think that's. Yeah, that's probably a good
point. Are they?
They're not mad. They're not like madness.
Are they? They're just.
They're just having a good time,I think, I think.
They're just jolly old ladies that dance in the flowers.
There's. Probably a, you know, 2 hour
varsity video breakdown as to why they're actually like, it's
a really messed up place today, but.
I'm having a beer. Ignorance is bliss.
Yeah, face value is it looks allright to have a beer.
(10:20):
Eating a steak. Ignorance is bliss now.
I know this steak isn't juicy. I know this steak isn't real.
I want to be someone important, an actor bring back.
That's a matrix reference for anyone.
I feel like I'm gonna start shouting at the references some
people. My mum listens to this point and
she's got no idea what she didn't know What any of that we.
Just said tricks heads out there.
(10:41):
That's what I call the Matrix fans.
Tricks heads. Tricks heads like Matrix.
Yeah, all the blue pills, yeah. Well, you know what I found out
the other day, which was actually crazy mouse in the
first Matrix. You know, the one that's like,
yeah, yeah, You know, what is myNeo?
Yeah, what is my Neo? You know, how do we know that
tasty wheats taste like? How do we know that chicken
tastes like chicken? That's why chicken tastes like
(11:02):
everything, because the robots can figure it out.
Anyway, he is in Star Wars Episode 2, and he's the guy that
sells death sticks. That's him.
Yeah, it's the guy goes, you wanna buy some death sticks and
he goes, well, I don't want any death sticks.
He goes, yeah, you don't wanna buy any death.
Sticks, I'm going back to the Matrix.
Yeah, I gotta go wake up. Yeah.
He goes. Not my simulation.
(11:23):
And then he goes, he goes, you're gonna go home and rethink
your life. He goes, yeah, I'm gonna go home
and rethink my life. And then there's a whole comic
book, apparently, where he rethinks his life.
He goes over his family and thenhe joins the rebellion.
Well where's that bloody Disney eight part series?
That's insane. Every character in Star Wars has
got some some. Some law, yeah, he would have a
name and his name would be ridiculous.
(11:43):
It'd be like death stick seller but like something cool that.
John Bellow, Deathstigious and you're like, your name is really
what you sell. That seems so unoriginal.
Absolutely. That's fucking that's Peter
Jackson for you bro. That's what he does.
Tell Peter Jackson his name. George Lucas.
George Lucas is like, isn't thatlike Globshito?
Like Globshito. His name is Bill Gill Doofus.
(12:06):
Bill Gill Skywalker. His name is Fart Communist and
he's actually one of the most powerful Jedi of all time.
Actually, he actually LED one ofthe rebellion like the most
important attacks ever. Like can you have given him a
cool? His name's Mr. Pilot.
What's the guy? What's the guy's name in Oh
(12:28):
Star? Wars Porkins, yeah, yeah.
Red One Porkins. Yeah.
He's like the little bit heavierfucking pilot.
Pilot. Yeah.
And his name's like John Pawkinsor something.
Like, I don't think it's John Porkins.
Come on bro. It is.
It's something like. That it is something like that,
yeah. And you're like, give him a
better. Yeah, they would have been doing
the credits and they would have been like.
Because, like, Anakin's such a good name and Obi Wan's such a
(12:50):
sick name, and then he gets these side characters.
Like, fuck, what's he do? Oh, he builds ladders.
Ladleson Little. He's just like, OK, that's
that's what he does. His name.
I guess that guy needed a name. I guess what It's kind of a
weird name. It would be maybe next time
we'll do a top five weird Star Wars names.
Yeah. And just like, like, yeah.
(13:11):
Because it's bad. Fartiest come cummiest,
fartiest, cummiest. He farts and comes his his
species farts and comes you. Don't fart and come you.
Don't want to fart and come anymore.
I don't want to fart and come anymore.
You're going to go home and rethink your life and also your
name. I'm going to go home and rethink
my life and also my name. What do you think my life is?
(13:39):
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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So a couple of weeks ago on the pod we talked about, or Mitch
talked about a story where you guys used to have a turtle.
(14:22):
Yes. And unfortunately it it passed
away and your dad pulled it out of the pond thinking it was
still alive and it was dead and showed all the nieces and
nephews. Yeah, it's dead corpse.
Yeah, and he wouldn't. And I was accusing Dad of not
buying a pump for the pond that the turtle lived in.
And he also fed the turtle cat food because he looked up on the
incident and said cat food wouldbe fine for the turtle.
(14:45):
Yeah. So what we're going to do today
is we're going to prank call Dadpretending to be the RSPCA,
which is like the Australian like animal.
What do you like? Rescue sort of thing and just
run a survey with him about thisturtle and just seeing how he
he's, you know, just seeing how he reacts to that, yeah.
(15:06):
And I'm pretty nervous. And Jackson's.
Jackson's really nervous. I got a prank.
I've never done a prank call. For once I think he's going to
be well. You have to do it because you
might recognise my voice. Yeah, yeah.
So OK, I'm going to give him a call.
Hopefully he answers. Oh, these?
(15:31):
Shit are. Yeah, mate, is this Ashley
speaking? Certainly.
Is Yep, it's just John from the RSPCA here.
We just just got a quick survey for animal welfare.
If if you just got 2 minutes. Yeah, fire away, mate.
Yep. So we just have here on the
system that you've had three pets in the past, is that
correct? Yeah.
(15:52):
I think so, yeah, I have, yeah. Yep, Yep.
So we obviously we've got Toby here.
He was a cat that you had. Yep.
Yep. Passed away.
Yep. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, that's, that's no good now.
That's OK. And you also had Monty as well.
Monty's still. Kicking.
Yep. Oh, that's good.
That's good. And just had a couple of
questions about, So what, what kind of food would you feed then
(16:15):
what, what kind of food would you feed Toby?
Look, my wife sort of looks after that.
She she ordered some stuff online that sort of got
probiotics. Is it?
Oh, Yep, yeah. It's just, it's just some sort
of, sort of like a biscuit diet then.
Well, that's, that's sort of soft.
But then we also mix in, you know, we, we go to the
(16:38):
supermarket and get what's the word?
Hard food? Yeah, we have.
A bit of a combination. Gotcha, Gotcha.
Yeah, that's all good. Also, and we also sort of have
these things that I think, you know, they the dog chews on,
which is also meant to be good for his teeth as well, you know.
Oh yeah, that's good. That's really good.
(16:59):
And what did you feed Monty that?
Is Monty. Monty Yep.
And so he Sorry. What did you ask me?
What we feed Toby. Yeah, we're just asking just
Toby as well. Was that just biscuits mainly?
Shit, mate, that's a long time ago.
Yeah, yeah, I must admit we probably weren't as vigilant
about the cat's teeth as we are about the dog.
So we probably just just fed it cat food.
(17:22):
Probably did feed us some hard stuff, I think.
Yeah, I can't really remember. It's been a while.
Yeah, that's all good. And just for this third animal
we've got down that you had a turtle and what, what, what did
you feed? What'd you feed that?
Did I have the town as I had a turtle?
Yeah. I mean, that's what we've got on
the system here. Yeah.
No, it's funny you say that. Well, unfortunately, way back
(17:46):
when I had the turtle, yeah, I neglect.
I neglected the bitch. Oh, really?
That that. That that's not a good record,
you know, on my behalf. Yep.
And I had it in a pond and I probably wouldn't change in the
water over often enough. Now, did you have a pump in the
pond? No, that was.
(18:07):
Yeah, yeah. And that's the problem with
turtles. There's they're pretty tricky to
look after And. And were you feeding it turtle
food? Oh, look.
I I I think I expanded for itself.
I see. Yeah.
OK. Yeah, that's what we had here
and I. Might have also done the wrong
thing, I don't even know. Maybe I found this turtle, you
know. Like I might have I.
(18:28):
Don't know where I was and probably did the wrong thing but
I had some I had some young kidsat the time.
Yeah, you know. Already toddlers and and the
turtle was, I suppose. Yeah, a bit of a novelty really,
which I apologize about. Yeah, we just had some
complaints here that unfortunately we we've had a few
(18:51):
complaints that when the turtle passed away, you you actually
displayed its corpse in front ofwe've got your nieces and
nephews. Is that, would that be correct?
I'm not sure exactly. We can't really reveal where we
got those sources. Hang on, hang on.
(19:12):
Oh, yeah. You got me.
Good day, Dad. Hang on.
Is this? Going on.
Yeah. This might be on the podcast.
Yeah. You had no idea.
Oh my God, I'm dying. Well, look, you know the RSPCA
(19:36):
thanks you for your patience. Start.
To. Recognize that voice?
Oh. Accent.
The accent was slipping. I was getting nervous.
I was getting nervous, man. You can.
Just like try and you find some shit.
To have people. Oh fuck me, I'm dying.
Just bothering, you know, citizens that contribute to.
(19:58):
Somebody just fucking idiots, yeah.
I tell you what, I when you've like, got a million followers, I
expect some invitations. Some Commission, maybe?
Yeah, yeah, I. Want some?
Benefits in the form of royalties.
(20:18):
See the latest movies. I think fair enough.
Thanks for answering the call. Yeah.
Thanks, Dad. Appreciate it.
Oh, that's so funny. He had no idea.
Bro, he went really deep into the.
Food. He was like, oh, that's a while
ago now. When he was like.
Yeah, yeah. I've got a couple minutes.
I was like, fuck, I didn't thinkwe'd get this far honestly.
(20:41):
There's about 15 rings in, he finally answered.
Shit, that's funny. Yeah.
Far away. Well, he kind of admitted.
To it he's like he did, he did, which I wasn't surprised he
would yeah, yeah, he was so funny as.
Soon as I mentioned the turtle, he was sweating.
He was like, oh, oh shit, it's funny.
And then when he started laughing, I thought he had us.
Yeah. Same.
Here. Funny you say that.
(21:01):
That's so good. Thanks, Dad.
Appreciate it. Yeah, that was good.
That was good. That was good.
Sport. Beast Battle.
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to
see if you could save some cash?Progressive makes it easy to see
(21:25):
if you could save when you bundle your home and auto
policies. Try it at progressive.com.
Progressive Casualty insurance company and affiliates.
Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.
If you're sleeping hot and sweaty, it's impossible to get a
good night's sleep. And if your solutions are
blasting the AC high all summer and doing constant pillow flips,
(21:45):
you've got to check out Coop Sleep Goods.
Coop combines advanced cooling technology and personalized
comfort to create pillows that help hot sleepers stay sweat
free all summer. The fabrics are breathable and
cool to the touch, so you feel an instant chill the moment you
lay down. Designed for 50% more
breathability, the innovative fill helps you sleep cooler and
more comfortably. They also have tensile sheets
(22:06):
that are naturally cooling, lightweight, and feel buttery
soft on your skin. If it's not your coolest sleep
ever, return it with no questions asked using their 100
Night Sleep Better Guarantee. And right now, you can get 20%
off your first order. Visit coopsleepgoods.com/comedy
to redeem your offer. That's COOP
sleepgoods.com/comedy. So you did a little thing with
(22:30):
Mark Gallagher. Yeah.
Besides the podcast, but during the podcast you did a segment
and I really liked it, so I'm going to steal it and use it for
our own. Podcast.
OK, no interesting you did stealing my idea from the
podcast and using it on the samepodcast.
Interesting. Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
It's the one can twist, but not A twist at all.
(22:50):
So I've got, I've written out eight obscure Lord of the Rings
characters and I thought we'd have a little Royal Rumble to
see who would win in a a battle.Battle to the death.
Yeah, tournament based Royal Rumble.
A Royal Rumble. Who would win the Royal Rumble?
Who would win? Who would murder the other one?
OK, pretty much. Alright, well, fire away.
I'm keen to. I'm keen to hear it.
(23:11):
This first one ring Wraith OK, but it's on fire just after
Aragon leave it on Got. A torch in its face, screaming,
just running, just at whatever it can sort.
Of basically basically OK verse Deagle who's who's the Who's the
person that Smeagle kills at thestart of return of the.
Small little Hobbit that gets strangled to death, Correct?
(23:34):
Because you wouldn't give the ring over on Smeagle's birthday.
Yeah, yeah, what a prick. So who you got?
Well, I mean, this is tough. I mean, I feel like the Ring
Wraith, as soon as he gets his hands on that tiny Scorn Hobbit,
Yeah, he's he's gone. For but he is on file he.
Starts with a moral blade. A moral blade that turns into
(23:54):
ash. Yeah, I think.
I don't know, I feel like even with that the ring Wraith was
just kind of flailing running around, but.
Who? Like how do you beat that
though? If I was in Deagle's position,
how do you fight something that's literally on fire?
Screen you. Can't.
I mean, Deagle literally died toanother Hobbit.
Yeah, Which is pretty pathetic. Pretty pathetic.
You know, strangled to death by another Hobbit, which is, you
(24:16):
know, probably got the strength of an 8 year.
Old, I think. Smith.
Yeah, that's good. Boy, right And and this.
Eagle did really want that fucking ring though.
He did. He had that ring power.
Yeah. That ring, Yeah.
That ring last, Yeah. Ring right.
Ring right? Yeah.
Ring right? Yeah, I, I don't know.
I, I don't know. Who do you think I feel like the
ring, Right. Might have Even if he's on fire,
you know he might die, get raised, and then he'll just come
(24:40):
back and finish the job anyway. So yeah, I'm not.
They're like immortal. Yeah, they are.
Yeah. So wow.
Shit, Yeah. This isn't going to be a good
list. But purely off of if he wasn't
immortal I think he'd still win.I think he would too, yeah.
He'd have a good 20 seconds. Before he died, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I agree. OK, Bilbo.
OK. But he's in that he's old and
(25:00):
he's in that like half demon form, like reaching for the
ring, you know, he's got a demonface.
Like he just. Can I see my old ring one more
time? It's that thing, yeah.
But he's that all the time, so he's just constantly in that.
What about him? He's still got my old wreck.
Piece of butter that's been spread over bread.
(25:22):
Of like a demon that's on my face, but he has a Bilbo in the
demon, you know, mid demon face versus the orc that goes.
What about the legs? Oh, OK.
What about the legs? What about the legs?
I don't need that. Yeah.
Is that the. He's the one that.
Really. Yeah.
No, he's not that one. But that one's good, too.
(25:42):
That's the one that gets it, doesn't he?
Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah, where he cuts his head
off. Yeah, yeah.
And then the what about their legs is the one that chases him
into the. Forest like he's terrifying,
yeah. I, I mean, you know, Bilbo's
gonna have that raw strength similar to just like.
Demon Demon. Yeah, you know he's gonna have
that. Yeah.
But then at the same time that he's a Hobbit, he's a Hobbit.
(26:05):
He's unarmed. He and and also.
He really wants the ring. He.
Really does want that ring, but you know the the orc really
wants their legs as. Well, that's a really good.
Point he's also really hungry and he also has a sword and the
only reason he died was because a giant.
Tree a giant or Yeah, killed himOh, the tree.
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the tree and.
(26:25):
Who would have seen that coming?That's a great.
Point. You're in a forest, really
stepped on by a tree. Is that his fault?
That's a great point. I don't think that wasn't skill
based at all, it was just pure accidental unfortunate.
How you meant to realize that a tree's gonna come alive and
kill? Yeah, that's tough.
That is tough. Yeah.
I I. Kind of think, I kind of think
the orc. I think it might be the orc too.
(26:46):
I agree, I think. You know, he's got, he doesn't
even have the ring anymore. He's just angry.
Yeah, yeah, he's. Just he's just an angry Hobbit
that's really old. Yeah, I feel like that did that
demon. It was a bit of like.
Yeah. It only lasts for it.
Only lasts for a second. I think you're right.
I think it's the orc. I agree.
This next one, Peter Jackson. OK, yes, Evard, Evard,
(27:10):
Proudfoot. Evard pronounce it evard, Evard
Proudfoot. He's the one that's like sitting
there and you got Proudfoot. Proudfoot.
He's like, yeah, he gets really angry, yeah.
Okay, and he's also stand when the ring races are coming in.
He's standing there, looks up and I'm like real angry.
Ohh, that I think. It's when Gandalf comes in.
He stands there with his broom, and he looks up.
Everything about that guy, the guy that's really, he actually
(27:32):
likes the fireworks being set off and then he his wife comes
out and. Goes yeah, yeah, about yeah,
that's the one. Yeah, OK.
God, I mean, you know, Peter Jackson.
Peter Jackson, he, he spends a lot of time sitting in in his
directors chair from what I've heard.
And he kind of directs people around with a megaphone, I've
heard. These days there's not much.
(27:52):
I don't. Think I don't think he's got
much fight left in here. Well, Proudfoot just sits around
smoking his pipes. I don't know, man.
You see him on that broom, He'd be sweeping.
I kind of feel like I feel like the Proud Foot might have.
It might have him I guess like Pete Jackson, you know, I'm
guessing maybe average height, 58 ish, probably little Hobbit 3
foot running around. I feel like, I feel like he
(28:13):
wouldn't want speed. He wouldn't be able to.
It'd be like Gulliver's Travels.I think Pete Jackson's in.
He's like. Like a little him, he like the
AT 80s he'd run like rings around him with some rope and
then just. He'd fall through Jackson.
Yeah, but then, like, the megaphone might, like, hurt the
little guy's ears. True.
You know what I mean? He's back to ones and screens.
(28:33):
Reset. Yeah, reset.
Give me one of those props and he grabs A prop sword and just
kills the little bad. Yeah, he has a whole crew behind
him. Oh, wow.
OK, Peter Jackson. But he's got a crew.
Geffers tape him up and then they just go over and they just
fucking tape him up with film tape, Highly reflective pink
tape. Oh.
My God, I think it's just Peter Jackson reset.
(28:57):
I think you might be. I think preference got it.
Because yeah, just nimbleness and.
Quickness, you know, and he may be, you know, a kind of a lazy
guy, but you know, the, the hobbits, they're Hardy people,
you know, they work in the fields.
That's a great point. They.
Till they they do a lot of farming.
He's a bit of an older Hob. I feel like that'd be.
I think this Hobbit might be in his like hundreds.
Yeah, but I think he would look off.
(29:18):
He'd be fighting Peter Jackson and then if he started to lose,
he'd look off to the left and he'd see his wife and she'd look
really angry. And then he would.
And then he'd be like, oh, you're right, yeah, I should win
it. I'm going to finish this off.
That's a great point. All right.
Proud for what it is. I agree.
I agree. Look at that.
All right, Next up, Bahman Butterber.
He is the innkeeper at the Prancing Pony.
(29:40):
OK. The one that goes, oh, my job to
ask questions. Oh.
My job to ask, you know. Verse Grimer worm tongue.
They got it, whispers in TharamyNo Yeah.
Tharamy. Who's the?
Yeah, Tharamy. Yeah, yeah.
Whispers to him and gives. Why do you lay these troubles on
an already troubled mind? Yeah, sorry, him versing the guy
(30:03):
that goes Underhill. Oh, I.
Haven't had any hobbits around our.
Business is our own, all right. All right.
Yeah, I think. Can you do?
He's a bit of a cow with that bloke because he hides behind
the bar when the ring rays come in.
I mean, as you were, Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it's pretty calm. Yeah.
(30:24):
It's those worms. It's like Rheem is a brave man.
And he stabs, he stabs Saruman in the back.
So he's got a little bit of fight to.
Him, fight to him, yeah. He literally stabs him in the
back. Of the blade.
And kills him he goes, and then he and then.
That's a good point too. Yeah, and then the actor goes.
They're both kind of slimy a little bit.
(30:45):
Yeah, both weak, but then Saruman's, you know, and then
obviously he was like Peter Jackson was like, can you, can
you do a screen when you get? Stabbed, he goes.
Do you know the sound that a manmakes when he's stabbed?
I do. Oh.
That's right. This guy fought in World War.
This guy. Actually met Jaya like he
actually met Tolkien. It was.
(31:05):
Like, Oh yeah, that's right. He was actually the guy that
they based James Bond off of. I forgot about.
He actually has stabbed and killed people.
Fucking. Their back, yeah.
Yeah, I think Worm Song would have him.
Yeah, I think Worm Song would have him.
Because you know, the bar guy, he's just a jolly.
He doesn't have fight in him, you know, he just runs a small
in. Is this is this while he's under
the control call of Saruman, or is it after?
(31:27):
He's just always a weasel and regardless of being in control
or not. I think it's a bit of a weasel
off and I think, I think you're,I think Worm Funk's got it.
Yeah, absolutely. I think it would like befriend
him and be like Oh yeah I'd lovesome maid and then kill him.
He'd start whispering. He'd be like, why do you let
more people in the end when you're already so busy that
business is their own? Why do you ask these questions?
(31:52):
Clearly their business is their own and.
He's like, oh, you're right. I'm sorry, it was my.
I just thought it was my job. It's not.
It's not. I think it's actually the guy at
the fence that asked that. He goes, what do you want?
Yeah, he goes. Is it?
Yeah, it might be. Yeah, it's my job to ask.
Yeah, it might be right. Leave for a couple of hobbits.
(32:13):
Yeah, it is because they're outside.
Yeah, he looks sorry about him. He has.
My job to not ask, you know. Yeah, anyway.
Well, Underhill, Yeah, he doesn't believe him.
Yeah, Underhill. And Peter Jackson's there with
the carrot. Yeah, he's the carrot.
Yeah, I did have Peter Jackson as carrot guy, but then I
thought it'd be funnier just to have Peter Jackson.
Just the. Director of Lord of the Rings,
Yeah. And he went out first round the
(32:33):
next. Sorry.
On to the next phase. Ring rates bet on fire.
First the orc who says what about their legs?
Oh OK this one might be a bit close.
Actually, I think the ORC might have this.
Yeah, because I mean the orc is is not on fire.
So that's a. Very big advantage.
It's a big advantage. He doesn't have a torch in his
face and he's screaming and. Like, you know, like you fight
(32:56):
that, someone just screaming on Firefly just waved out.
Yeah. Just let him bend to death.
And the Orc's smart enough to deal with that.
I don't think. What was the L Black's name?
Smeagles. Smeagles, Deagle.
Deagle. I don't think Deagle would was
smart enough to not he. Just knows fishing and stealing
the rings off people whose birthday it is.
So yeah, I think, I think the ORC might honestly have the, I
(33:20):
think it could be controversial,but I think the Ork would win
just in that specific circumstance.
Yep, yeah. If it was an Ork verse of
Ringwraith, there's no chance. But because the Ringwraith
happened to be on fire. Yep.
Screaming, torching face. Torching face.
Yep, Yep. It's pretty flat around.
Yeah. And then we've got Proudfoot
verse. Worm tongue.
Oh. It's got to be Worm.
(33:41):
Tongue, I think it's got. To be worm gonna fucking worm
tongue in the books went back tothe, you know, Hobbiton and
enslaved them all. Yeah.
So that, yeah. You know he like pressed in.
My dark he. Whispered in the dark and got
all these gangs together and then enslaved all of the the
hobbits proud. Food.
Saruman. Might not have been there, he
might have been sleeping or something.
(34:02):
That's true. That's true.
Yeah. He was like Luffy in every,
every One Piece. He's where is he?
Oh, he's. Sleeping.
He's sleeping. I think he's hungry.
There's literally an he's looking for food.
There's an arc where he gets stuck between two buildings and
he's out for like a little bit of the ark.
That sucks dude. That's like.
They've got a nerf him bro. Every Dragon Ball Z battle where
they're like just they're like, well we got to give Goku a bit
(34:25):
more time in the in the chamber.Oh, we should be able to hold
him off for 2 minutes and then he'll be ready. 7 episodes pass.
Still, there's only two minutes left, and hopefully Goku will
get to your. City, I love it.
And then like they get badly hurt and they're almost dead.
And give him a sense of. Yeah, and then Goku comes back.
He's like, hey guys, I have fucking $0.15 beans, one for
(34:46):
each of you. That's your fight.
Are you fucking kidding me? So none of that mattered.
Yeah, Piccolo is dead. Yeah, Piccolo is dead again.
Piccolo Yeah, again. Well guys, while I fight him and
hold him off, you guys get the dragon balls and resurrect
Piccolo. What the fuck?
Does nothing. Mean anything?
To me so good though that was bit it they somehow link it yeah
(35:08):
it's so good and it's. You just want to watch every
episode too, and just when you think they're beaten, then they
go, I guess you're pretty strong.
Time to take off my weight. Yeah, time to show you my
ultimate power. And then Goku goes, huh, No
kidding. I was holding back as well.
What? You're holding back.
You're still holding back. Everyone's holding back fucking.
(35:30):
The planet is exploding and you're holding.
Back. Like what, kill him?
I've got to experience him at his full power, and I guess
that's just me being a Saiyan. Hold him back.
Just kill him man. God, and that was why it was so
satisfying when Trunks comes outand just one shots freeze.
Freezer, yeah, that's nice. You're.
Like thank God he didn't hold. Back. 30 episodes fighting
(35:53):
freezer again like. Fucking hell yeah that was nice
actually. Like oh.
Freezes back with the fighting trunks.
Just one shots. And you're like, oh, thank God.
Grand final between the orc? Yeah, who says what about their
legs? And grim a worm tongue.
Oh. That's hard because the orc is
built for battle. Yeah, and Grim are pretty
stupid. They are very stupid.
(36:13):
And and worm tongue. You talk as much shit about him.
He is a smart man. He is.
He's a weasel. He is a weasel.
Fuck. A weasel versus a lion.
Could he talk? That guy out of killing him and
then stab him in the back. Could he be like?
But is he? What about?
Their legs or something like that?
What about your own legs? And then it's his own legs.
(36:33):
Dog's been eating his own legs. Is he that good?
Oh my God is he fucking light Yogamy like.
Is he like whispering around? Twisting words.
The Death Note in his room writing it out.
I don't know. Damn, I feel like Worm Tongue
might might be able. To convince him to own own legs?
That's hilarious. What about your own legs?
And. He goes.
I never thought about. That oh, that's a great point.
(36:55):
Yeah. Do I need them?
He's like, you don't need, you don't need.
Your legs, Like really? When you think about it, who?
Who? Really?
Needs these legs. Like there's a lot of people
that don't have legs and they'redoing just fine.
Yeah, exactly. Were you running a marathon
soon? Yeah, not really.
But well, you know, convinced that's maybe you don't need you.
(37:15):
Talking like eating his own legs.
Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need my own legs.
Yeah. Should you?
Maybe you should give me the knife.
I'll. I'll help you out.
And he goes all right. It's hard to cut your own legs
off. He's got a point, and.
Then he kills him. Yeah, fuck does worm tongue
convince the orc to eat his own legs.
And that's how he wins. I think so.
Oh. Fuck we got we got a winner.
Greener greener worm Tongue has won again.
(37:36):
God. That's yeah, he's good.
He's so he's lazy. His only weakness is that one
guy's sister. Actually, he doesn't want to be
with him. Yeah, that's a great point.
Women. There is.
There is weakness. Big shocker for Gramer.
Worm tongue. Yeah, got it.
There's just one woman on this list.
This. Guy Yeah, that's a great point.
Yeah, something he'll he can only watch from a fire and never
(37:58):
have too long. Have you haunted them, Shuttle?
My. Sister steps or whatever he
says. Right.
Well done. Yeah, no, I agree.
Gramer Worm tongue is that winner.
Just like that. Just like that.
Well, that's all the time we have on the Wizards Tower.
If you'd like to reach the Wizards, you can send her now to
the Wizards Tower pod@gmail.com and you can also follow us on
(38:20):
Instagram and TikTok, whatever the hell that is.
Anyway, don't forget to grab your hat, grab your star, and
we'll see you on the next episode of the Wizards Tower.
(38:41):
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may apply. Do you remember like a wizard
like consultant for that guy back back a while ago?
(01:48):
It was a while ago that's. Right.
It was, it was. Was that AD or?
BI think it was it was BC. I think yeah, it was definitely.
Yeah, in that time period for sure.
Yeah, what? Was your name I?
Was like some of the. Jay was like John.
Yeah, I think Jack Joseph was his dad.
Joseph was his dad. He was a.
He was a Carpenter. Joseph was a Carpenter.
Yeah, I got that wife that was pregnant.
(02:09):
Yeah, apparently. Oh, sure, but I don't know how
that happens. Yeah, right.
Joseph. Yeah.
But he wanted us to help him turn water into wine.
I remember that being a thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah, that was such a weird.
It's like a beginner spell to learn and.
And he wanted to show off in front of his 12 mates.
Remember those all his mates he had those 12 like oh.
(02:30):
Oh you, you guys should like, can I like walk on water to like
prank him or something. We ended up enchanting those
sandals. The sandals that he's got,
Walkers, his slippers, Yeah. What ended up happening to him?
Yeah, I, I, I might be, but I remember resurrecting him at
least once. He did.
He did. I did resurrect him once.
Yeah, that's right in like a. Cave.
Yeah, it was a cave. Even doing that, I have no idea.
I. Wonder what he's up to these?
(02:50):
Yeah, anyway, welcome back to the Wizards, the Wizard.
Let's let's hit the ground running here with the podcast.
(03:10):
Let's jump straight into anothertop five.
Oh. Yeah, well, this is going to be
good clips. This is going to be good clips
for the clips shower. Yeah, let's find this up right.
Top five best clips on the Wizard's tower.
Let's do that. Number one.
Number one, the one we're posting right this, this clip
right here. This is actually the best best
in top five. We didn't love this one.
(03:33):
This one was a really big hit. It got 400 views.
People really like. Crazy.
Yeah. We got so much hate in the
comments. It was sick.
No. Top five best places to have a
beer in Eldon Red. That's right.
Yeah, we did one last time. We're touching on You did a
list. Yeah, you didn't like my top
five video game beer. Number one League of Legends?
(03:55):
Yeah, the most insufferable Vogan place in the entire world.
Comment on that. It's like you literally picked
the most toxic place to have a beer.
That's a great point. Yeah, definitely.
Let's switch it out this week. So I've come up with five of the
best places to have a beer in Elden Ring.
Number one, just an absolute classic.
Honestly, the most obvious placeto have a beer in Elden Ring.
(04:18):
The top of the tree, great spot.You get through Langdell, the
capital, you walk all the way upto the top.
You kill that weird guy with thecane at the very top again,
again for like the third time. Can he stop coming back?
Please. His cane turns in like a rainbow
sword. Yeah, which I'm a month or
something. I'm like, dude, why didn't you
just have the sword the whole time?
Yeah, I'm going to keep a cane. I'm going to make.
(04:41):
Get stronger. I'm gonna wait for this other
guy that I'm fighting every timeto get stronger and.
There's gonna be people in the comments.
That's law accurate bro. There's gonna be some law video,
dude. You haven't watched Vaati video,
clearly. Yeah, I reckon at the top of
there, just overlooking the whole city, you know, you've got
the earth tree behind you kind of glimmering.
Glowing on you. I feel like it'd be warm.
(05:02):
There's like a warmth to it. I feel like someone gives off a
bit of heat, like a bit of sun. Just just feel at peace there at
the top, just overlooking the whole city, which would be
really cool. That would be nice.
Yeah. And and that's that's that's
number one. That's number.
One and that's great one that's.Great.
Number one. Yeah, number.
Two best places to have a beer in Eldon Ring is the boss arena
(05:23):
of Ranala, Queen of the full Moon.
Yes, in that little boss area, it's a bit of water around, but
I, I'm, I'm thinking you don't get wet with that water.
But you're just chilling. It's just nice ankle high.
Maybe you bring a camp. Chair.
I was gonna say camp chair, one of those like beach chairs.
You can sort of sit back in, just dip your feet in.
Ranala to turn into a moon, yeah.
Just in front of you. That'd be nice.
(05:44):
Yeah, so she's not dead in this premature.
Yeah, you just. Turn into a moon just.
Sit there and just have a beer. She summons a couple of little
guys. We just have beers with you
that. 'D be cool, yeah.
She's as long as it's not like the dogs or something like that.
Yeah, some. There's a couple of little.
Gremlins or like the dog. Like you can watch the dogs,
like, wrestling each other and then, yeah, you flying while
you're having a beer. Yeah, having having a little
(06:04):
sippy, yeah. In this in this scenario, we're
friends with all the people around us.
We. Don't we don't have to except
the old guy in the first? Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The game. We gotta kill him.
Kill him first, then have a beer.
Actually, that sounds sick. Yeah.
Do all this hard work killing him.
Good guy for a 4X, right, man? Yeah, a nice ice cold beer.
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. 3rd best
(06:26):
place to have a beer in Eldon Ring would have to be Knocktron.
Knockron, my God. Start.
Knock Run. The Eternal City.
Yeah, yeah, that little underground city.
You've got the stars, which are actually just like the.
Roof of The Cave. Yeah, you got the whole city
overlooking. Maybe you're on top of the
bridge there. Oh, where you like, you've just
(06:47):
versed yourself, that mimic of yourself.
And then you go over there and then there's that broken bridge
you're looking over. You're just.
Looking over the whole side. There's also that little bit
around the corner that looks over the next city that you go
into. I reckon those little Minotaur
kind of guys that'd be good to. Have a bit of a beer?
Yeah, if they if they they stop just attacking you for 5 minutes
like that. Like that Pepsi commercial with
(07:08):
Kendall Jenner and you just handa Pepsi to them.
There you go. Hey.
How about we just drive? How about we just chill out and
we just have a beard? Again, war over.
Yeah, everywhere. Peace brought to the Undercity.
Maybe, maybe we can all be friends.
Maybe we don't need to attack. You could do an archery with
them and stuff. They shoot those light things,
like teach you archery. Yeah, that'd be good you.
Just be just become really good buds with them and then they do
(07:30):
like some crazy sacrifice. And then you're like, then I'm
gonna get out of here. Yeah.
That's right. These.
Yeah, they're, I remember why wewere Yeah, yeah, we were at
odds. I think about that. #4 best
places to drink a beer and EldenRing has got to be the round
table hold. Yes, that's right.
It's just a classic. It's where you go for a little
(07:50):
bit of respite. You know, you're hanging out
with everybody else. There's that blind chick that's
talking about really depressed. Yeah, she's sitting there.
Oh, I'll give if you give me some, some spirit water,
whatever it is, I'll I'll make your spirit summons better.
I was like, no. It's alright, hang out with the.
Blacksmith, he's all depressed. He's like, yeah, Duke.
This is what I do. I'm changing.
Yeah, I can't be. Bro, let's relax.
(08:12):
How about you just put the anvil?
Yeah, he's always for nothing. Put the hammer down.
Put a beer in there instead. Put a beer in that hand.
Let's have a couple beers. Reminisce about the old times.
You know, before you would. Change You were a slave, and
then you're a slave. Yeah, you've got, you've got
that Lady in the room that always gives you hugs.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I mean, I'm maidenless, so
(08:34):
I could maidenless, you know, a couple beers.
A couple beers. Let's see where this hug leads.
You know what I'm saying, A. Couple enough beers to forget
she's just a giant fish yeah yeah, as well because that's.
That's just your drinks, like a fish, you know what I'm saying?
Let's get fucked up. Let's party.
Party. Yeah, yeah, I think.
That'd be a good spot to just. Yeah, that's not just to relax.
(08:55):
Seems warm and welcoming. In front of the round table?
Yeah, with all. The fire and trying to like talk
to people, but you're gonna lookfor the swords.
Fuck this thing. Start.
The wind changes and the smoke starts blowing in your eyes.
That's the worst Jesus always following you like a beer.
No. You know, it's got all the
swords and you're trying to liketalk to someone on the other
side and you can't. Yeah, man.
Anyway, yeah, remember that timewe killed that guy, like
(09:16):
summoned you and we like killed that dude that grafted himself
onto a bunch of other villagers?Man, that was crazy.
What was his name again? Oh, Godric, the graft.
That's right, original name I. Think about it.
And lastly, I think hands down the best place to drink a beer
in Eldering Windmill Village. And for those that are
unfamiliar, that's the place with all the dancing old ladies
(09:37):
that are like me and they're just having a good old time.
You could just be sitting there at the top of the village, just
having a couple of beers, just. Watching them dance.
Watching them have. Would you ever get there?
After a few, you go down there and dance with them.
I'd dance with them for a beer. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I don't know if they'd welcome you.
I think they're like anti men inthat.
Village. I think they'd be all right, I
think. OK, sick.
I think they've. Already had a few beers.
(09:58):
I think that's. Yeah, that's probably a good
point. Are they?
They're not mad. They're not like madness.
Are they? They're just.
They're just having a good time,I think, I think.
They're just jolly old ladies that dance in the flowers.
There's. Probably a, you know, 2 hour
varsity video breakdown as to why they're actually like, it's
a really messed up place today, but.
I'm having a beer. Ignorance is bliss.
Yeah, face value is it looks allright to have a beer.
(10:20):
Eating a steak. Ignorance is bliss now.
I know this steak isn't juicy. I know this steak isn't real.
I want to be someone important, an actor bring back.
That's a matrix reference for anyone.
I feel like I'm gonna start shouting at the references some
people. My mum listens to this point and
she's got no idea what she didn't know What any of that we.
Just said tricks heads out there.
(10:41):
That's what I call the Matrix fans.
Tricks heads. Tricks heads like Matrix.
Yeah, all the blue pills, yeah. Well, you know what I found out
the other day, which was actually crazy mouse in the
first Matrix. You know, the one that's like,
yeah, yeah, You know, what is myNeo?
Yeah, what is my Neo? You know, how do we know that
tasty wheats taste like? How do we know that chicken
tastes like chicken? That's why chicken tastes like
(11:02):
everything, because the robots can figure it out.
Anyway, he is in Star Wars Episode 2, and he's the guy that
sells death sticks. That's him.
Yeah, it's the guy goes, you wanna buy some death sticks and
he goes, well, I don't want any death sticks.
He goes, yeah, you don't wanna buy any death.
Sticks, I'm going back to the Matrix.
Yeah, I gotta go wake up. Yeah.
He goes. Not my simulation.
(11:23):
And then he goes, he goes, you're gonna go home and rethink
your life. He goes, yeah, I'm gonna go home
and rethink my life. And then there's a whole comic
book, apparently, where he rethinks his life.
He goes over his family and thenhe joins the rebellion.
Well where's that bloody Disney eight part series?
That's insane. Every character in Star Wars has
got some some. Some law, yeah, he would have a
name and his name would be ridiculous.
(11:43):
It'd be like death stick seller but like something cool that.
John Bellow, Deathstigious and you're like, your name is really
what you sell. That seems so unoriginal.
Absolutely. That's fucking that's Peter
Jackson for you bro. That's what he does.
Tell Peter Jackson his name. George Lucas.
George Lucas is like, isn't thatlike Globshito?
Like Globshito. His name is Bill Gill Doofus.
(12:06):
Bill Gill Skywalker. His name is Fart Communist and
he's actually one of the most powerful Jedi of all time.
Actually, he actually LED one ofthe rebellion like the most
important attacks ever. Like can you have given him a
cool? His name's Mr. Pilot.
What's the guy? What's the guy's name in Oh
(12:28):
Star? Wars Porkins, yeah, yeah.
Red One Porkins. Yeah.
He's like the little bit heavierfucking pilot.
Pilot. Yeah.
And his name's like John Pawkinsor something.
Like, I don't think it's John Porkins.
Come on bro. It is.
It's something like. That it is something like that,
yeah. And you're like, give him a
better. Yeah, they would have been doing
the credits and they would have been like.
Because, like, Anakin's such a good name and Obi Wan's such a
(12:50):
sick name, and then he gets these side characters.
Like, fuck, what's he do? Oh, he builds ladders.
Ladleson Little. He's just like, OK, that's
that's what he does. His name.
I guess that guy needed a name. I guess what It's kind of a
weird name. It would be maybe next time
we'll do a top five weird Star Wars names.
Yeah. And just like, like, yeah.
(13:11):
Because it's bad. Fartiest come cummiest,
fartiest, cummiest. He farts and comes his his
species farts and comes you. Don't fart and come you.
Don't want to fart and come anymore.
I don't want to fart and come anymore.
You're going to go home and rethink your life and also your
name. I'm going to go home and rethink
my life and also my name. What do you think my life is?
(13:39):
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So a couple of weeks ago on the pod we talked about, or Mitch
talked about a story where you guys used to have a turtle.
(14:22):
Yes. And unfortunately it it passed
away and your dad pulled it out of the pond thinking it was
still alive and it was dead and showed all the nieces and
nephews. Yeah, it's dead corpse.
Yeah, and he wouldn't. And I was accusing Dad of not
buying a pump for the pond that the turtle lived in.
And he also fed the turtle cat food because he looked up on the
incident and said cat food wouldbe fine for the turtle.
(14:45):
Yeah. So what we're going to do today
is we're going to prank call Dadpretending to be the RSPCA,
which is like the Australian like animal.
What do you like? Rescue sort of thing and just
run a survey with him about thisturtle and just seeing how he
he's, you know, just seeing how he reacts to that, yeah.
(15:06):
And I'm pretty nervous. And Jackson's.
Jackson's really nervous. I got a prank.
I've never done a prank call. For once I think he's going to
be well. You have to do it because you
might recognise my voice. Yeah, yeah.
So OK, I'm going to give him a call.
Hopefully he answers. Oh, these?
(15:31):
Shit are. Yeah, mate, is this Ashley
speaking? Certainly.
Is Yep, it's just John from the RSPCA here.
We just just got a quick survey for animal welfare.
If if you just got 2 minutes. Yeah, fire away, mate.
Yep. So we just have here on the
system that you've had three pets in the past, is that
correct? Yeah.
(15:52):
I think so, yeah, I have, yeah. Yep, Yep.
So we obviously we've got Toby here.
He was a cat that you had. Yep.
Yep. Passed away.
Yep. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, that's, that's no good now.
That's OK. And you also had Monty as well.
Monty's still. Kicking.
Yep. Oh, that's good.
That's good. And just had a couple of
questions about, So what, what kind of food would you feed then
(16:15):
what, what kind of food would you feed Toby?
Look, my wife sort of looks after that.
She she ordered some stuff online that sort of got
probiotics. Is it?
Oh, Yep, yeah. It's just, it's just some sort
of, sort of like a biscuit diet then.
Well, that's, that's sort of soft.
But then we also mix in, you know, we, we go to the
(16:38):
supermarket and get what's the word?
Hard food? Yeah, we have.
A bit of a combination. Gotcha, Gotcha.
Yeah, that's all good. Also, and we also sort of have
these things that I think, you know, they the dog chews on,
which is also meant to be good for his teeth as well, you know.
Oh yeah, that's good. That's really good.
(16:59):
And what did you feed Monty that?
Is Monty. Monty Yep.
And so he Sorry. What did you ask me?
What we feed Toby. Yeah, we're just asking just
Toby as well. Was that just biscuits mainly?
Shit, mate, that's a long time ago.
Yeah, yeah, I must admit we probably weren't as vigilant
about the cat's teeth as we are about the dog.
So we probably just just fed it cat food.
(17:22):
Probably did feed us some hard stuff, I think.
Yeah, I can't really remember. It's been a while.
Yeah, that's all good. And just for this third animal
we've got down that you had a turtle and what, what, what did
you feed? What'd you feed that?
Did I have the town as I had a turtle?
Yeah. I mean, that's what we've got on
the system here. Yeah.
No, it's funny you say that. Well, unfortunately, way back
(17:46):
when I had the turtle, yeah, I neglect.
I neglected the bitch. Oh, really?
That that. That that's not a good record,
you know, on my behalf. Yep.
And I had it in a pond and I probably wouldn't change in the
water over often enough. Now, did you have a pump in the
pond? No, that was.
(18:07):
Yeah, yeah. And that's the problem with
turtles. There's they're pretty tricky to
look after And. And were you feeding it turtle
food? Oh, look.
I I I think I expanded for itself.
I see. Yeah.
OK. Yeah, that's what we had here
and I. Might have also done the wrong
thing, I don't even know. Maybe I found this turtle, you
know. Like I might have I.
(18:28):
Don't know where I was and probably did the wrong thing but
I had some I had some young kidsat the time.
Yeah, you know. Already toddlers and and the
turtle was, I suppose. Yeah, a bit of a novelty really,
which I apologize about. Yeah, we just had some
complaints here that unfortunately we we've had a few
(18:51):
complaints that when the turtle passed away, you you actually
displayed its corpse in front ofwe've got your nieces and
nephews. Is that, would that be correct?
I'm not sure exactly. We can't really reveal where we
got those sources. Hang on, hang on.
(19:12):
Oh, yeah. You got me.
Good day, Dad. Hang on.
Is this? Going on.
Yeah. This might be on the podcast.
Yeah. You had no idea.
Oh my God, I'm dying. Well, look, you know the RSPCA
(19:36):
thanks you for your patience. Start.
To. Recognize that voice?
Oh. Accent.
The accent was slipping. I was getting nervous.
I was getting nervous, man. You can.
Just like try and you find some shit.
To have people. Oh fuck me, I'm dying.
Just bothering, you know, citizens that contribute to.
(19:58):
Somebody just fucking idiots, yeah.
I tell you what, I when you've like, got a million followers, I
expect some invitations. Some Commission, maybe?
Yeah, yeah, I. Want some?
Benefits in the form of royalties.
(20:18):
See the latest movies. I think fair enough.
Thanks for answering the call. Yeah.
Thanks, Dad. Appreciate it.
Oh, that's so funny. He had no idea.
Bro, he went really deep into the.
Food. He was like, oh, that's a while
ago now. When he was like.
Yeah, yeah. I've got a couple minutes.
I was like, fuck, I didn't thinkwe'd get this far honestly.
(20:41):
There's about 15 rings in, he finally answered.
Shit, that's funny. Yeah.
Far away. Well, he kind of admitted.
To it he's like he did, he did, which I wasn't surprised he
would yeah, yeah, he was so funny as.
Soon as I mentioned the turtle, he was sweating.
He was like, oh, oh shit, it's funny.
And then when he started laughing, I thought he had us.
Yeah. Same.
Here. Funny you say that.
(21:01):
That's so good. Thanks, Dad.
Appreciate it. Yeah, that was good.
That was good. That was good.
Sport. Beast Battle.
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sleepgoods.com/comedy. So you did a little thing with
(22:30):
Mark Gallagher. Yeah.
Besides the podcast, but during the podcast you did a segment
and I really liked it, so I'm going to steal it and use it for
our own. Podcast.
OK, no interesting you did stealing my idea from the
podcast and using it on the samepodcast.
Interesting. Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
It's the one can twist, but not A twist at all.
(22:50):
So I've got, I've written out eight obscure Lord of the Rings
characters and I thought we'd have a little Royal Rumble to
see who would win in a a battle.Battle to the death.
Yeah, tournament based Royal Rumble.
A Royal Rumble. Who would win the Royal Rumble?
Who would win? Who would murder the other one?
OK, pretty much. Alright, well, fire away.
I'm keen to. I'm keen to hear it.
(23:11):
This first one ring Wraith OK, but it's on fire just after
Aragon leave it on Got. A torch in its face, screaming,
just running, just at whatever it can sort.
Of basically basically OK verse Deagle who's who's the Who's the
person that Smeagle kills at thestart of return of the.
Small little Hobbit that gets strangled to death, Correct?
(23:34):
Because you wouldn't give the ring over on Smeagle's birthday.
Yeah, yeah, what a prick. So who you got?
Well, I mean, this is tough. I mean, I feel like the Ring
Wraith, as soon as he gets his hands on that tiny Scorn Hobbit,
Yeah, he's he's gone. For but he is on file he.
Starts with a moral blade. A moral blade that turns into
(23:54):
ash. Yeah, I think.
I don't know, I feel like even with that the ring Wraith was
just kind of flailing running around, but.
Who? Like how do you beat that
though? If I was in Deagle's position,
how do you fight something that's literally on fire?
Screen you. Can't.
I mean, Deagle literally died toanother Hobbit.
Yeah, Which is pretty pathetic. Pretty pathetic.
You know, strangled to death by another Hobbit, which is, you
(24:16):
know, probably got the strength of an 8 year.
Old, I think. Smith.
Yeah, that's good. Boy, right And and this.
Eagle did really want that fucking ring though.
He did. He had that ring power.
Yeah. That ring, Yeah.
That ring last, Yeah. Ring right.
Ring right? Yeah.
Ring right? Yeah, I, I don't know.
I, I don't know. Who do you think I feel like the
ring, Right. Might have Even if he's on fire,
you know he might die, get raised, and then he'll just come
(24:40):
back and finish the job anyway. So yeah, I'm not.
They're like immortal. Yeah, they are.
Yeah. So wow.
Shit, Yeah. This isn't going to be a good
list. But purely off of if he wasn't
immortal I think he'd still win.I think he would too, yeah.
He'd have a good 20 seconds. Before he died, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I agree. OK, Bilbo.
OK. But he's in that he's old and
(25:00):
he's in that like half demon form, like reaching for the
ring, you know, he's got a demonface.
Like he just. Can I see my old ring one more
time? It's that thing, yeah.
But he's that all the time, so he's just constantly in that.
What about him? He's still got my old wreck.
Piece of butter that's been spread over bread.
(25:22):
Of like a demon that's on my face, but he has a Bilbo in the
demon, you know, mid demon face versus the orc that goes.
What about the legs? Oh, OK.
What about the legs? What about the legs?
I don't need that. Yeah.
Is that the. He's the one that.
Really. Yeah.
No, he's not that one. But that one's good, too.
(25:42):
That's the one that gets it, doesn't he?
Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah, where he cuts his head
off. Yeah, yeah.
And then the what about their legs is the one that chases him
into the. Forest like he's terrifying,
yeah. I, I mean, you know, Bilbo's
gonna have that raw strength similar to just like.
Demon Demon. Yeah, you know he's gonna have
that. Yeah.
But then at the same time that he's a Hobbit, he's a Hobbit.
(26:05):
He's unarmed. He and and also.
He really wants the ring. He.
Really does want that ring, but you know the the orc really
wants their legs as. Well, that's a really good.
Point he's also really hungry and he also has a sword and the
only reason he died was because a giant.
Tree a giant or Yeah, killed himOh, the tree.
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the tree and.
(26:25):
Who would have seen that coming?That's a great.
Point. You're in a forest, really
stepped on by a tree. Is that his fault?
That's a great point. I don't think that wasn't skill
based at all, it was just pure accidental unfortunate.
How you meant to realize that a tree's gonna come alive and
kill? Yeah, that's tough.
That is tough. Yeah.
I I. Kind of think, I kind of think
the orc. I think it might be the orc too.
(26:46):
I agree, I think. You know, he's got, he doesn't
even have the ring anymore. He's just angry.
Yeah, yeah, he's. Just he's just an angry Hobbit
that's really old. Yeah, I feel like that did that
demon. It was a bit of like.
Yeah. It only lasts for it.
Only lasts for a second. I think you're right.
I think it's the orc. I agree.
This next one, Peter Jackson. OK, yes, Evard, Evard,
(27:10):
Proudfoot. Evard pronounce it evard, Evard
Proudfoot. He's the one that's like sitting
there and you got Proudfoot. Proudfoot.
He's like, yeah, he gets really angry, yeah.
Okay, and he's also stand when the ring races are coming in.
He's standing there, looks up and I'm like real angry.
Ohh, that I think. It's when Gandalf comes in.
He stands there with his broom, and he looks up.
Everything about that guy, the guy that's really, he actually
(27:32):
likes the fireworks being set off and then he his wife comes
out and. Goes yeah, yeah, about yeah,
that's the one. Yeah, OK.
God, I mean, you know, Peter Jackson.
Peter Jackson, he, he spends a lot of time sitting in in his
directors chair from what I've heard.
And he kind of directs people around with a megaphone, I've
heard. These days there's not much.
(27:52):
I don't. Think I don't think he's got
much fight left in here. Well, Proudfoot just sits around
smoking his pipes. I don't know, man.
You see him on that broom, He'd be sweeping.
I kind of feel like I feel like the Proud Foot might have.
It might have him I guess like Pete Jackson, you know, I'm
guessing maybe average height, 58 ish, probably little Hobbit 3
foot running around. I feel like, I feel like he
(28:13):
wouldn't want speed. He wouldn't be able to.
It'd be like Gulliver's Travels.I think Pete Jackson's in.
He's like. Like a little him, he like the
AT 80s he'd run like rings around him with some rope and
then just. He'd fall through Jackson.
Yeah, but then, like, the megaphone might, like, hurt the
little guy's ears. True.
You know what I mean? He's back to ones and screens.
(28:33):
Reset. Yeah, reset.
Give me one of those props and he grabs A prop sword and just
kills the little bad. Yeah, he has a whole crew behind
him. Oh, wow.
OK, Peter Jackson. But he's got a crew.
Geffers tape him up and then they just go over and they just
fucking tape him up with film tape, Highly reflective pink
tape. Oh.
My God, I think it's just Peter Jackson reset.
(28:57):
I think you might be. I think preference got it.
Because yeah, just nimbleness and.
Quickness, you know, and he may be, you know, a kind of a lazy
guy, but you know, the, the hobbits, they're Hardy people,
you know, they work in the fields.
That's a great point. They.
Till they they do a lot of farming.
He's a bit of an older Hob. I feel like that'd be.
I think this Hobbit might be in his like hundreds.
Yeah, but I think he would look off.
(29:18):
He'd be fighting Peter Jackson and then if he started to lose,
he'd look off to the left and he'd see his wife and she'd look
really angry. And then he would.
And then he'd be like, oh, you're right, yeah, I should win
it. I'm going to finish this off.
That's a great point. All right.
Proud for what it is. I agree.
I agree. Look at that.
All right, Next up, Bahman Butterber.
He is the innkeeper at the Prancing Pony.
(29:40):
OK. The one that goes, oh, my job to
ask questions. Oh.
My job to ask, you know. Verse Grimer worm tongue.
They got it, whispers in TharamyNo Yeah.
Tharamy. Who's the?
Yeah, Tharamy. Yeah, yeah.
Whispers to him and gives. Why do you lay these troubles on
an already troubled mind? Yeah, sorry, him versing the guy
(30:03):
that goes Underhill. Oh, I.
Haven't had any hobbits around our.
Business is our own, all right. All right.
Yeah, I think. Can you do?
He's a bit of a cow with that bloke because he hides behind
the bar when the ring rays come in.
I mean, as you were, Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it's pretty calm. Yeah.
(30:24):
It's those worms. It's like Rheem is a brave man.
And he stabs, he stabs Saruman in the back.
So he's got a little bit of fight to.
Him, fight to him, yeah. He literally stabs him in the
back. Of the blade.
And kills him he goes, and then he and then.
That's a good point too. Yeah, and then the actor goes.
They're both kind of slimy a little bit.
(30:45):
Yeah, both weak, but then Saruman's, you know, and then
obviously he was like Peter Jackson was like, can you, can
you do a screen when you get? Stabbed, he goes.
Do you know the sound that a manmakes when he's stabbed?
I do. Oh.
That's right. This guy fought in World War.
This guy. Actually met Jaya like he
actually met Tolkien. It was.
(31:05):
Like, Oh yeah, that's right. He was actually the guy that
they based James Bond off of. I forgot about.
He actually has stabbed and killed people.
Fucking. Their back, yeah.
Yeah, I think Worm Song would have him.
Yeah, I think Worm Song would have him.
Because you know, the bar guy, he's just a jolly.
He doesn't have fight in him, you know, he just runs a small
in. Is this is this while he's under
the control call of Saruman, or is it after?
(31:27):
He's just always a weasel and regardless of being in control
or not. I think it's a bit of a weasel
off and I think, I think you're,I think Worm Funk's got it.
Yeah, absolutely. I think it would like befriend
him and be like Oh yeah I'd lovesome maid and then kill him.
He'd start whispering. He'd be like, why do you let
more people in the end when you're already so busy that
business is their own? Why do you ask these questions?
(31:52):
Clearly their business is their own and.
He's like, oh, you're right. I'm sorry, it was my.
I just thought it was my job. It's not.
It's not. I think it's actually the guy at
the fence that asked that. He goes, what do you want?
Yeah, he goes. Is it?
Yeah, it might be. Yeah, it's my job to ask.
Yeah, it might be right. Leave for a couple of hobbits.
(32:13):
Yeah, it is because they're outside.
Yeah, he looks sorry about him. He has.
My job to not ask, you know. Yeah, anyway.
Well, Underhill, Yeah, he doesn't believe him.
Yeah, Underhill. And Peter Jackson's there with
the carrot. Yeah, he's the carrot.
Yeah, I did have Peter Jackson as carrot guy, but then I
thought it'd be funnier just to have Peter Jackson.
Just the. Director of Lord of the Rings,
Yeah. And he went out first round the
(32:33):
next. Sorry.
On to the next phase. Ring rates bet on fire.
First the orc who says what about their legs?
Oh OK this one might be a bit close.
Actually, I think the ORC might have this.
Yeah, because I mean the orc is is not on fire.
So that's a. Very big advantage.
It's a big advantage. He doesn't have a torch in his
face and he's screaming and. Like, you know, like you fight
(32:56):
that, someone just screaming on Firefly just waved out.
Yeah. Just let him bend to death.
And the Orc's smart enough to deal with that.
I don't think. What was the L Black's name?
Smeagles. Smeagles, Deagle.
Deagle. I don't think Deagle would was
smart enough to not he. Just knows fishing and stealing
the rings off people whose birthday it is.
So yeah, I think, I think the ORC might honestly have the, I
(33:20):
think it could be controversial,but I think the Ork would win
just in that specific circumstance.
Yep, yeah. If it was an Ork verse of
Ringwraith, there's no chance. But because the Ringwraith
happened to be on fire. Yep.
Screaming, torching face. Torching face.
Yep, Yep. It's pretty flat around.
Yeah. And then we've got Proudfoot
verse. Worm tongue.
Oh. It's got to be Worm.
(33:41):
Tongue, I think it's got. To be worm gonna fucking worm
tongue in the books went back tothe, you know, Hobbiton and
enslaved them all. Yeah.
So that, yeah. You know he like pressed in.
My dark he. Whispered in the dark and got
all these gangs together and then enslaved all of the the
hobbits proud. Food.
Saruman. Might not have been there, he
might have been sleeping or something.
(34:02):
That's true. That's true.
Yeah. He was like Luffy in every,
every One Piece. He's where is he?
Oh, he's. Sleeping.
He's sleeping. I think he's hungry.
There's literally an he's looking for food.
There's an arc where he gets stuck between two buildings and
he's out for like a little bit of the ark.
That sucks dude. That's like.
They've got a nerf him bro. Every Dragon Ball Z battle where
they're like just they're like, well we got to give Goku a bit
(34:25):
more time in the in the chamber.Oh, we should be able to hold
him off for 2 minutes and then he'll be ready. 7 episodes pass.
Still, there's only two minutes left, and hopefully Goku will
get to your. City, I love it.
And then like they get badly hurt and they're almost dead.
And give him a sense of. Yeah, and then Goku comes back.
He's like, hey guys, I have fucking $0.15 beans, one for
(34:46):
each of you. That's your fight.
Are you fucking kidding me? So none of that mattered.
Yeah, Piccolo is dead. Yeah, Piccolo is dead again.
Piccolo Yeah, again. Well guys, while I fight him and
hold him off, you guys get the dragon balls and resurrect
Piccolo. What the fuck?
Does nothing. Mean anything?
To me so good though that was bit it they somehow link it yeah
(35:08):
it's so good and it's. You just want to watch every
episode too, and just when you think they're beaten, then they
go, I guess you're pretty strong.
Time to take off my weight. Yeah, time to show you my
ultimate power. And then Goku goes, huh, No
kidding. I was holding back as well.
What? You're holding back.
You're still holding back. Everyone's holding back fucking.
(35:30):
The planet is exploding and you're holding.
Back. Like what, kill him?
I've got to experience him at his full power, and I guess
that's just me being a Saiyan. Hold him back.
Just kill him man. God, and that was why it was so
satisfying when Trunks comes outand just one shots freeze.
Freezer, yeah, that's nice. You're.
Like thank God he didn't hold. Back. 30 episodes fighting
(35:53):
freezer again like. Fucking hell yeah that was nice
actually. Like oh.
Freezes back with the fighting trunks.
Just one shots. And you're like, oh, thank God.
Grand final between the orc? Yeah, who says what about their
legs? And grim a worm tongue.
Oh. That's hard because the orc is
built for battle. Yeah, and Grim are pretty
stupid. They are very stupid.
(36:13):
And and worm tongue. You talk as much shit about him.
He is a smart man. He is.
He's a weasel. He is a weasel.
Fuck. A weasel versus a lion.
Could he talk? That guy out of killing him and
then stab him in the back. Could he be like?
But is he? What about?
Their legs or something like that?
What about your own legs? And then it's his own legs.
(36:33):
Dog's been eating his own legs. Is he that good?
Oh my God is he fucking light Yogamy like.
Is he like whispering around? Twisting words.
The Death Note in his room writing it out.
I don't know. Damn, I feel like Worm Tongue
might might be able. To convince him to own own legs?
That's hilarious. What about your own legs?
And. He goes.
I never thought about. That oh, that's a great point.
(36:55):
Yeah. Do I need them?
He's like, you don't need, you don't need.
Your legs, Like really? When you think about it, who?
Who? Really?
Needs these legs. Like there's a lot of people
that don't have legs and they'redoing just fine.
Yeah, exactly. Were you running a marathon
soon? Yeah, not really.
But well, you know, convinced that's maybe you don't need you.
(37:15):
Talking like eating his own legs.
Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need my own legs.
Yeah. Should you?
Maybe you should give me the knife.
I'll. I'll help you out.
And he goes all right. It's hard to cut your own legs
off. He's got a point, and.
Then he kills him. Yeah, fuck does worm tongue
convince the orc to eat his own legs.
And that's how he wins. I think so.
Oh. Fuck we got we got a winner.
Greener greener worm Tongue has won again.
(37:36):
God. That's yeah, he's good.
He's so he's lazy. His only weakness is that one
guy's sister. Actually, he doesn't want to be
with him. Yeah, that's a great point.
Women. There is.
There is weakness. Big shocker for Gramer.
Worm tongue. Yeah, got it.
There's just one woman on this list.
This. Guy Yeah, that's a great point.
Yeah, something he'll he can only watch from a fire and never
(37:58):
have too long. Have you haunted them, Shuttle?
My. Sister steps or whatever he
says. Right.
Well done. Yeah, no, I agree.
Gramer Worm tongue is that winner.
Just like that. Just like that.
Well, that's all the time we have on the Wizards Tower.
If you'd like to reach the Wizards, you can send her now to
the Wizards Tower pod@gmail.com and you can also follow us on
(38:20):
Instagram and TikTok, whatever the hell that is.
Anyway, don't forget to grab your hat, grab your star, and
we'll see you on the next episode of the Wizards Tower.
(38:41):
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