March 21, 2024 • 38 mins
Dr Lurve is Australia’s leading love & relationship coach and celebrity speaker. Her passion is helping people navigate their lives through the relationships they hold closest – whether it’s romantic, family, friends, or business, she know the ins-and-outs of your relationships.To her, relationships are the common denominator in your life. They are intertwined with your mood, lifestyle, and how you navigate the world.When it comes to love, she works as a modern-day cupid for those discovering self-love, singles ready to find love, and couples ready to make love last forever.This episode was recorded in 2023. South Australia is home to some remarkable women.They’re raising foster families. Running cattle stations. Living inspirational lives. Yet, many of their tales of triumph are never profiled, never celebrated. So we’re changing that… every week.. through our Women Of Influence Podcast. Women of Influence Podcast with Kate Meade for iHeart Radio & Australian Radio Network. We are on a mission to find the most incredible women. Some we will know, others are going about their daily lives. Everyone has a story.She is a CEO, She is a volunteer, She is a TV host, She is a doctor, an educator, a scientist, a leader. She is just getting on with it. What can we learn from her, what’s her message?Join Kate Meade to celebrate incredible, inspiring women and shine a great big beacon of light on their stories. Let’s learn from the women that are paving the way for us.From KateI love to learn and my favourite way is through storytelling. I am curious - absolutely fascinated - with people's stories. I can’t wait to get to KNOW the person in front of me and HOW they got to be where they are today. Where did they grow up, what gets them excited, why do they do what they do and, when it gets tough… why do they do what they do?This is the Women of Influence Podcast. FOLLOW USInstagram: @womenofinfluencepodacstKate: @kateemeadeThe Women of Influence is a partner of iHeart Radio
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Doctor Love. Thank you so much for joining us on
the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
You're welcome, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
I mean, I've been following you on Instagram. We've been
running around Adelaide and crashing into each other at a
couple of different events, and you have been, for me
one of the people that you know everyone in the room,
but you'll take time to say hello even Absolutely, you
know basically to everyone, and that they're the things that
(00:32):
you notice. You know, some people get just a stop
and a quick but you seem to take much more
time with people. Yeah, you're a people person. Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I appreciate connection, and I think you get that in
any part of your life. And one of that's the
social scene, you know, like it's very easy for us
to walk past somebody and just say hello. But I
like to know about people. I'm interested. I'm actually really curious.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
And I have to admit there was a little bit
of nervousness because we bring you on to the podcast.
I'm following you on Instagram and I think, you know,
I'm going to be wanting to pull back a couple
of layers on you, and then I'll end up on
the couch if I'm not careful.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
That's happened quite a few times. I don't know if
you've heard any of the other podcasts, but we're on
and we're doing an interview when the other person's like,
I didn't put up, I didn't put my hand up
for therapy.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
H yeah, on a second, this is we're just getting
our session. So I mean, why relationships for you? I get?
And am I getting this right? Because when I have
to describe you, why have I got doctor love on
the podcast? I think I meant at a top line level,
(01:43):
you could say it's relationships, but deeper it's going to
be about connection and self worth and empowerment and you know,
everything that we're told to do, but it's actually much
harder in practice.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Yeah. Absolutely, yeah, So why relationship? You're right, it's relationships.
That's what I do. That's my bread and butter, But
I do it. It was a side hustle and excuse me,
relationships throughout my whole career. What I found is that
it didn't matter where I was, whether it was in education, forensic, business, corporate, organizational.
(02:20):
The one thing that stood out for me that made
the most impact for those people I was working with
was their relationships. So businesses, you know, profit and loss statements.
When the CEO wasn't good and the relationships weren't good,
it impacted or you know, senior managers, or there was
you know, in education and kids having disjointed or dysfunctional relationships.
(02:43):
I was seeing, Hang on a minute, the most, the
way I could make the most impact in people's lives
was to look at relationships. And that's what I wanted.
I wanted to go, what can I do while I'm here?
And it's easy for me. I can look at people
and it's just intuitive. I'm actually good at it and
I love it, and I put that I'm not cheating
(03:04):
my own horn. It's just that if you find something
that you love and you're good at, it doesn't because
it's not a job anymore. And that was important for me.
I didn't want to feel like I was in a job.
I want to feel like I'm making a difference. And
I went into this field. It just sat on my
really just fell in my lap. I practiced in the
field of psychology for many years, and I went down
(03:28):
the road of all of those other areas, and then
I ended up working with a sexologist a little bit
into my career, and what I found is that when
they were working on their sexology stuff functional stuff, they
were coming to see me for other reasons. And what
we found is that the relationship, the way they did relationship,
(03:49):
the way they communicated, impact what happened in functionality. And
so all of a sudden, I just had all these
people coming to me, couples, singles, people try and find love,
not having love, not connection, and it just automatically happened.
And I think it was on a radio interview that
someone said, You're like the love doctor and I said,
I actually really love that. Yeah, and I couldn't get
(04:11):
l ov and I said, oh, well, I'm going to
do it. I'm doing it anyway. It sounds better on radio.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
It sounds very elvious and very very sexy.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
So yeah, relationships definitely is what I do. And I
feel like it's because it has no barriers relationship. We
have relationships. It doesn't matter where we are in the world,
what part of our life, Relationships are important, and that's
what I do. Was it.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Daunting if you said it was a side hustle for you,
It sounds kind of like it was a calling that
was niggling and nagging at you until it got so
big that you couldn't turn it off? Was it still
daunting to jump from, say, the stability of the other
to no, no, I'm about to embrace this embody this
because do you are you off ever or are you
(05:01):
always doctor Love in some capacity?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Look doctor love is I mean, is.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Doctor Love now another? Is it a persona to bridget?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah? Absolutely, it's Patty separate. So Bridget is the you know,
the mom, the friend, the daughter, the partner, it's all
of that. And then doctor Loves this alter ego, but
you know extend. You know, my mum even calls me
doctor Love. Now there's no Bridget, and I'm like, hang
on a minute, the lines are getting blurred.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
It's like when you're late for dinner and you forgot something.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Yeah, or you know, my children when I don't listen
to mom, they go doctor Love because I'll turn my
head because I'm ignoring the word mum because I know
they want something right. But yeah, it is.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
It was.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
You know, it wasn't daunting that I was leaving the
stability of you know, my corporate life or whatever that
life was, because I still dabble in that. That is
still part of my life. The most daunting thing was
was the people trying to chop me down around this conversation,
the glass ceiling of you know, how how how how
(06:07):
big do you think you're going to get? How do
you think this is going to make your money?
Speaker 3 (06:10):
Like?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Are people going to talk about talk to you about
relationships or sex or intimacy? You're crazy? And I thought
this is interesting because the people that were saying that,
when I look back, are the ones that struggle the
most in relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Were they friends and I'm fat?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Friends and family?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Why I don't know. I don't It's so well meaning,
aren't they.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Look their intention? It's almost like, you know, I don't
want to make you, don't make a fool out of yourself,
Like I'm protecting you, but in the same way, they're
keeping you small, right or the same, the same because
if you change, I know how much I'm not changing. Yeah,
So if you just stay the same, I don't feel
so bad about myself because I can just keep doing
(06:53):
the same thing for the next twenty years and feel okay.
But the minute you change or expand, then I think,
hang on a minute, I don't feel good enough about myself.
You know you're reaching this, You're doing that. You're living
a life that I thought I couldn't live, and you're
doing that. Why can't I?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
So, did you have to readjust your own story or
did you find your needed to reach out for, I
mean another psychologist or someone else that was able to
objectively look at what you're going through, thinking about well
experienced to then yeah, you know, re establish those tools
(07:33):
that you probably fundamentally know. Anyway.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah, I did a lot of work on my own,
So I read a lot. I listened to a lot
of podcasts, a lot of personal and professional development, and
I'm pretty big on that. Like I walk to talk
like I don't say go and see someone. I see someone.
You know, if I feel like something's coming up in
my life and it's challenging, I will go straight away
(07:54):
to see someone to work out why it's challenging and
why is it triggering me? And why does this person
piss me off? Or why do I feel like I'm
not good enough in this situation. I still struggle with
imposter syndrome every day, Like I still go am I
good enough? Or am I really an expert in this field?
Because I don't feel like it some days because I'm
learning something new every day, and I think, hang on
(08:15):
a minute. Being an expert doesn't mean you don't stop learning, no, right, yeah,
and I know, yeah, I think being a relationship expert,
you're always on the podium and people are going, well,
how would it be like to be in a relationship
with doctor Love? Like I'm not human or I don't
have issues in relationships, because I do. You know, I
still have my attachment styles that come to the party.
(08:37):
My partner or whoever i'm has their attachment styles and
their insecurities, and it's still a conversation that needs to happen.
It's not because you're an expert you don't have any
any challenges. That's unrealistic. It's like saying to a GP,
just because you're a GP, you can't get the cold
and flu. Right, it doesn't work that way. So I'm
(08:58):
still human. So I think the biggest challenge is how
can you be an expert in this field and still
have challenges. That's been my challenge is having those conversations
with people, why isn't your life so perfect? Well, it's
imperfectly perfect for me. I'll work through it. It's fine, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Take me just back, just a touch for me. When
the friends and family are saying to you, you know, ah,
you sure, or that's a bit of a risk, or
that's a gamble or whatever they might be saying. Do
you think part of the challenge sometimes for people humans
is that it might have just been a simple passing
(09:38):
comment that was made, but we've amplified it because it's
touching on the greatest fear that we have. You know,
like maybe it was just a flippant like oh, really, well,
what are you going to do for money? Yep, And
then all of a sudden it's oh my god, they
don't think I can earn any money, and they don't
think I'm going to go broke, and they think I'm
going to do and none of those things were actually said,
but we've done it to our Yeah, so we.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
It's a trigger for it's like, oh, what are you
going to do for money? And underlying a trigger could
be fear of failure or fear of not being able
to make money or provide and it's like okay, so
then the rumination has started. It's like they've tipped us
over there to be like, you know, what if what
if I don't make the money. What if I do fail.
At that point, I could have said I'm not doing it.
(10:20):
What I did do and what I continue to do
is tell less people what I'm doing, yeah, right.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Which can be hard. It is because sometimes you want
to share this amazing achievement or dream or whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah. So I have learned that when I'm working on something,
and I'm working on something new now which I'm not
going to share yet, but it's amazing, but I will
only share it with the people that need to know,
not the people I want to know while it's in
like the nurturing foundation stage, because I don't want to
be derailed. And that's what I probably could have done
(10:55):
better before. I've learned that along the way is that
I usually just come out and go, hey, this is
what I've got, and everyone's like, where the hell did
you do that? And how because I didn't say a word.
But there it is because I find that if I
tell people, even though their intention is good, it does
play on your mind. It's like, well, what if they're right?
(11:15):
I don't want any doubt. I want to stay focused,
laser focused. I know where I want, I know where
I want to get, so I'm literally like boxed, and
I'm like, don't let me look sideways. I know what
I want, and I feel like when I'm in that space,
when i'm creating something, I'm less likely to waiver and
doubt what I'm going to do. So I think that's
what I learned from.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
That is the trickiest part, not telling, because I'm.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Such an excited person. I want to tell everyone everything,
and I'm really shitty at whole hiding things. And so
I've got like a bit of a team around me
with this new project that I'm working on, and they
know and they're super excited, and when we're together, we're
like jumping around. And then I've got my friends and
I had to let the cat out of the bag.
Like yesterday, I was like, I just have to tell you,
(12:00):
but just a little bit of it because I just
can't hold it all.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
And just be happy for me. Yeah, just like just
a little bit.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
This is what I'm working on, but just just I'm
telling you a a bit because I can't hold it
all in such an I want to tell everyone, but
I know the importance of staying focused and not getting
too many opinions that might sway where I want to go.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, so live in Adelaide. Are you born and bred here?
Is this always been home or interesting?
Speaker 2 (12:29):
I was actually born in Adelaide. I was born here.
I left it too and grew up in Sydney. So
I am a bit of a Sydney girl and then
ventured off.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I've got all the vibes. Yah, by the way, all
the vibes.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I'll take that as a conflidence. It is, ok.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
I love Sydney. I've just come back for I had
twelve months there working with Jones. Oh okay, and now
I am here.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Got the Sydney Yeah okay.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Good, all right, I'll just flick my hand out. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
So grew up in Sydney, studied in Sydney. I've got
a few degrees that I did there, and then went
out and ventured into worked in Dubai for a little while,
and that's where I did a little corporate business stuff.
From Dubai back to Adelaide about eight years ago and
spent two years here. Loved it. By then I had
three children, so Adelaide was like it was different from Dubai.
(13:17):
I did miss the house cleaner, the driver and all
of that. I had to come straight back down to
reality and landed in a place like Adelaide where the
shops still close at like.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Foe explain this to me?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I can't. I can't be disorganized.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Right. So I got here and it was a public holiday,
and I thought, oh god, I've got to get toilet
paper and stuff, thinking that Woolies or coals would be open.
I go to the local woolies and it's closed and
I'm like, why is this closed? And I asked the neighbor,
I said, why is will Worth's closed? It's a Sunday.
They go, it's a public holiday. Everything in Adelaide's shut.
(13:55):
This is about eight years ago. I think we've gotten better.
And I couldn't find toilet paper. I had to go
to a low cool otr or whatever and they had
a toilet piece and I was like, wow, like I've
gone from a city that doesn't sleep twenty four hours
Dubai landed in a little country town that I can't
even get like toilet paper and soap for overnight. But
I loved it. The simplicity of it, the ease of
(14:19):
getting around being a mum with three children. I just
felt like it was a really good state to be
in for that time in my life. For those couple
of years I spent here, went back to Sydney, and
I thought I'd rather bring my teenagers back to Adelaide
to grow up and do their schooling. So that's why
we're here is more lifestyle. It was a lifestyle choice. Really.
(14:44):
They have freedom here in Adelaide more than they would
have for having Sydney.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Oh anywhere, Yeah, anywhere.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
They can jump on a bus and be in town
in ten minutes. You go to Sydney, you're on a
bus and a train, and yeah, it's too big. I'm like,
you're just coming back to Adelaide?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Is this not too As someone who has just moved here?
The city of opportunity though? Absolutely, All I see is
the opportunity.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Absolutely, And that's where I think people have wrong. It's
a sleeping city. It's fine from that. No, no, no,
it's far from that. We have so many opportunity in
so many industries here that why wouldn't you want to
be here? Why wouldn't you.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Let's talk about relationships.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Okay, what would be.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
The number one thing that people are coming to you for? Oh? Wow?
Speaker 2 (15:36):
It does depend most of the time, because you have
to remember, I see couples and individuals, but really, at
the end of the day, most of them come and
see me because they don't know how to give or
receive love in some capacity, and whether that's through communication, intimacy, trust,
(15:56):
whatever it is, but it's I don't feel loved, or
I don't know how to give love and my partner's
not feeling loved, or I don't know how to receive
love and I'm staying single. Really, everyone wants to feel
loved and accepted, and that's the core issue. And what
we find is that when you're coming as a couple,
you're struggling in how to communicate that. How do I
(16:21):
communicate that I feel love for that person but I'm
not showing it or I don't know how to say it.
So communication is a very big issue that comes up
for people single or in a relationship because when you're single,
sometimes I don't know how to communicate what they want,
They don't how to communicate their boundaries, they don't even
communicate how they're feeling. So communication and obviously just the
(16:42):
core issue of feeling loved withally is.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
What is the first thing that you're saying to let's
start with a couple. You know, the first thing, strip
away all everything else. The very first thing that you can.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
Do is.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
You need to come up with a common ground. You
need to be on the same team. And I think
people forget in the chaos and in the challenges that
they're actually not against each other, even though they feel
that way, right, So they got to remember. They need
to remember why they're there, Why are you here? Like,
what's the team, what's the team motto? What's the value you?
(17:22):
What are you working on? And what we'll find is
that couples come and they want to fix their relationship.
Both of them have the same like goal, I want
to be with you. They just forget it in the argument.
And most of the time the argument is not even
over what they started arguing over. And it's lasted for
fifteen years and they're still arguing, and you're like, do
(17:44):
you remember when they started? No, but we're still arguing.
You know, they're picking and picking, and I'll tell you why,
because that first argument had no closure. That first argument
had not very good communication where they could pack it
away and learn from it and go, Okay, what's next,
How do we not do this again? They don't have
those conversations. They just either ignore it, let it slide
(18:06):
and get over it, or think they get over it.
But there's this little little carpet that we sweep resentment under,
and it builds and it builds and it builds, and
then the carpet you can't hide it anymore, right because
there's all these toys sitting under the carpet, and it's like,
what is that. That's a whole heap of resentment. And
resentment interferes with communication, connection, intimacy. When you have resentment,
(18:28):
then there's no relationship anymore. You become I don't know,
like partners in a home. You become housemates. You just coexist.
And so that's what we need. We need to work
out what is the common ground between you. If you're
working on the same goal, then that's half the job done. Yeah,
if you've got one that doesn't want to be there
(18:48):
and one that does, then that's a bit more difficult.
But if you have got the same goal, let's do it.
Let's just strategy. After that.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
When you say that, coming back again, it was the
side hustle and then I you know, you're a lifetime
time learner and all these types of things. Are you
presented with, say cases, I don't know what you would
call the I don't know if that's too clinical, where
you go, wow, jeez, I don't know where to start here.
Or it always comes back to communication.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Sometimes it's you get some really complex cases or you know,
clients coming to see you. We always I always start
at the beginning. What do you want? What is it
that you want? What are you fighting for?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Can people express that?
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Though not always so we spend some time because they're like,
they're like, I don't know, Well.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Is it you do? You really do, but you can't
write you really do?
Speaker 2 (19:47):
You always really know. But we are so full of excuses, blame,
fear that we don't know. We don't know how to
express that. So we have to strip that all back.
What are you scared of? I'm scared of getting hurt? Okay,
if you weren't scared of getting hurt, then what would
the feeling be. I just want him or hurt to
love me for how I am, for how I am unconditionally. Okay.
(20:10):
Then the other person says the same thing. So we've
got to strip back the fears and what's stopping them
from actually like and also what they think they deserve.
Some of them want love, but are unconsciously and somewhere
in their body they don't think they deserve it, So
then how do they even have permission to say it?
So even sort of peeling that back and working out, well,
(20:31):
hang on a minute, you want it, but you don't
think you deserve it, which means it's like you're setting
yourself up for failure. So all of that, Most of
the time we have to find the common ground. What
are you working towards? What is it that you want?
Because if you don't know what you want, it's like
you're doing archery without the you know, little red circle
without the target, Like where are you shooting? Like what
(20:52):
are you looking for? Where are you going? You need
the target.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
I lost my mum about oh, we'll be coming up
to you in October, and I recorded a whole heap
of stuff with her, and one of the things I
said to her was, you know, Mum, I'm going to
need to get some married advice, because even if I
don't want it now, I'm potentially going to need it
at some point. And she said, you know, I would
(21:18):
say to anyone that was about to get married that
you really need to do counseling before you get married. Absolutely,
And she said her father, so he's now pastor had
said to her, you know, so in back in the
day they would go to the priest, I have the
pre meeting, you know, like do we all understand the
laws of God?
Speaker 2 (21:37):
And you know what it looks like.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
And then that was the counseling. Yeah, that was you
had to do that in order to you know. And
he had said to her, you know, you need to
have these hard conversations and things like that, and she said, no,
it needs to be a psychologist. And two people have
to know before they commit to this thing, what they're
signing up for. What are the hopes and dreams of
(22:00):
this other person. Yeah, yep, maybe they don't want to
live in the house and the white pick of fence anymore,
or maybe they you know, don't want to have kids
or that has them, you know whatever. But yeah, I
just I don't know even know how to normalize going
to see a psychologist is like it still feels like
it's not normal. There's there's got to be a problem,
(22:22):
right right, But it's okay to go okay when there's
not a problem. I see a coach then right, yeah, yeah,
the language going to change, that's what it is. So
I think what's happened is historically psychologists, psychiatrist, whatever it is,
you only went when there was a problem. It wasn't
very proactive. It was reactive. So people went, oh, I'm
(22:44):
feeling not very well or I'm now at having a divorce.
I need to see someone rather than being proactive and
setting yourself up to win, Like, go beforehand. You don't
run the marathon without training. Why would you run the
marathon of marriage and commitment without training? Go and see
(23:04):
someone before you commit. Work out what your values are.
Do they align?
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Do you have the same idea of how you're going
to be parenting? Do you want kids? Do you want
the pick of fans or do you want to live
a life you know with a backpack on and travel
the world? Like what is it that you both want?
And I think what people forget is that no marriage
or relationship is good one hundred percent of the time.
(23:28):
But what needs to happen and what needs to be
uncompromised is that every day you show up for each other,
even when it's crappy. That's the hard bit is that
people fail to show up for one another, and if
they could get that right, the relationship will go the
(23:48):
long haul. It's that when it gets hard, people don't
show up for the other person because they're too worried
about what's going on for them, how I'm feeling. But
if you both show up for each other and you're
caring about how the other person feels, you're both I
got you. You're being caught right by the other partner,
(24:09):
which means you're not so invested in your own rumination.
You're not invested in your own self talk, your beliefs
around your partner doing this and that was offensive. And
he's not loving me or she's not loving me, or
I'm not getting attention. You don't get that conversation. You
get I know he's got me even though I've been crappy. Yeah,
that's a good place to be. There's a safety around that,
(24:30):
and that's what relationships need, is there's an element of
safety that I know that she has my back or
he has my back, no matter how I show up.
Because we're going to have shitty times, We're going to
go through changes in jobs and kids, and you know
some people go through you know prenatal postnatal. Some people
lose a parent and go through a period of grief
(24:52):
and don't know how to show up in grief, like
what do you? Who are you through grief? And if
your partner doesn't keep showing up for you like that,
relationship can get get lost because I don't know who
you are at that time.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Yeah, you can change or absolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
So when you commit to a relationship, is I commit
to you even as we change. But you've got to
be changing with each other, and the only way you
can do that is in communication, if you keep speaking
to each other. My goals have changed, my dreams. I
want this now. Okay, how are we going to make
it happen? You're on the same team. It's when you
stop having those conversations and you're living side by side
(25:28):
and you'll got your own dreams and not a dream together.
That's when the cracks start to show.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm imagining you, doctor Loves as a sixteen
year old bridget. You were that friend, weren't you were
the friends that they would call?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Absolutely, I was also the naughty friend.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I got that one hundred because I needed to experience everything.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Yeah, how come I can do what I do because
I'm like, yeah, I've done that, done that, done that,
and that, Like I get it, I feel it. I've
been there, I know it. But I definitely was. I
was a true RD or die. Yeah yeah, and I
still am. Yeah. Ah, you're a.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Good fun were you. Was it a thing that happened
to for you in relationships that you're like, there's just
not okay, not all men are assholes or this this
has happened to me and it's horrendous and actually I'm
going to look into this war and then and then
it grew from there.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
What happened it was it was my experiences in my
relationship that forced me to be an expert. Yeah okay,
because I'm like you, yeah, like what didn't you do? Right?
Is more the question? So you you think about my
so my journey around relationships. So we're talking about, you know,
(26:44):
struggles with in laws and being accepted and that conversation
and how that can impact a relationship. And then you
talk about infidelity and how that impacts a relationship, and
then you talk about coercive control and how that affects
a relationship, and then you talk about being a parent
and being on your own pent kids on your own
why you're feeling emotionally disconnected and how to do that
(27:04):
and feeling alone and isolated. So I've gone through all
of these things in my relationship, and I'm like, and
I'm working at the same time, and I'm trying to
like analyze what's going on, and I'm like, Okay, this
is showing up, but why? And my curiosity kept me sane. Okay,
if and when my story does come out, and there
(27:25):
will be a book one day, you will see that
anyone else that wasn't curious about some of the things
that I went through could have very easily gone and
seen a traditional psychologist or psychiatrist have been on medication
because of the hard yards and the work that needed
to be done. But I was determined to work out
why I was that naughty sixteen year old girl. Was like,
(27:47):
hang on a minute.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Oh, she's here, right she I listen to you. She
is so here, she's.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
Never left, right. So that little and that little deviant,
you know, cure And I was that at school and
I remember my English teacher turning around and saying to me,
you're such a devian And I said, what does that mean?
I didn't even know what it meant, and I went,
I checked, and I went, I'm going to look at
that from a really good perspective.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Yeah, she none almost actually, but yes, it was my
experience in relationships.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So my crappy relationships made me the expert at what
I do because I had to find a way how
to navigate it. How I felt when I was down,
What that looked like, How did I get myself out?
What are the I became this this expert at looking
at patterns like I would notice the patterns of when
things would happen and how and where it came from
(28:46):
for him and where it came from for me, because yeah, okay,
all these things happened in our relationship, but I was
also showing up in a way where I was reactive.
I had to work out why as well, because I
played a part in that. Yeah okay, I can easily
say oh he was this and he was that, but
there was a part of me that showed up still
for that.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
That's always an interesting part for me. When I look
at things, I always go, what was my role in
the right, what was my narrative around this? And look,
so be it. I was young when I got into
those relationships, and that was quite a long relationship and
a lot of my identity as an adult was developed
in that relationship. And so I had to unlearn a
lot of stuff, which is the hardest thing to do,
(29:26):
like trying to unlearn some of the habits that you made,
and the ideas around love and connection and the false
beliefs and the limitations of what you can expect from
a partner. That's hard to unlearn, but it can be done.
But if you're determined, you can do it. So, yeah,
you're right. My experiences actually pushed me into this area
(29:46):
and my curiosity about wanting to be happy. How do
am I content with or without somebody? How do I
navigate someone's behavior that's not serving me? Am I worthy enough?
Speaker 2 (30:00):
The fear? Am I making a mistake? How do I
move on? How do I stay? What do I do
with kids? All those conversations. So, and that's where I am.
And that's why when I do this work, I do
this work from a place of love because I empathize
with you. I will never sympathize, because sympathize is not
going to be helpful for anybody. No, but let me
(30:20):
empathize with you because I felt this. I know what
this feeling is, and it creates the most magical space
for people to transform. When you can come from a
place of knowledge and empathy and hold space for them,
the transformation that happens for these people is insane and
that is the magic for me.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
And I guess this is why I love this opportunity
that I get to sit down with people and talk
because I go, it's very easy to go, oh, look.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
At doctor love.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Look at this fabulous lifestyle that she hasn't you know,
but there's all this stuff around it. You know that
that's where the me the gaps is. Yeah, I guess
you know. When I look at you, so I see
this sixteen year old girl, you know, like you were
you were her. Yeah, I got you, I got you,
I see you, I love you. And then I look
(31:13):
at you, this grown woman. She didn't get here easily.
Absolutely nothing has been handed to you on a plate.
And it would be easy for someone Oh, well, she
went to UNI and she you know, like she's a psychologist. No,
nothing has been handed to you.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
UNI was so hard for me. I don't find learning easy.
I can't even read and retain it, Like I literally
have to read something and have the audio playing at
the same time. I don't. I don't easily. I don't
remember things easily either. I can remember things like visually
and things a little bit better. So even my learning
(31:52):
style isn't conducive to education.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Is anybody? I don't know, but I think university is
set up for right a certain type of lunar regardless.
All right, this is a whole other podcast. Okay, definitely
I struggled.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Yeah, and I didn't get amazing grades all the time,
like some things. I struggle. You know, what I'm going
done is better than perfect because I don't know. I
know what I want to do with this later, And
to be honest with you, I went on a journey
of going to UNI, and I didn't even know I
was going to be a psychologist. I actually went to
UNI to do law and ended up doing psychology because
that was a subject and I liked it. But I
(32:29):
went because I thought, one day I'll have to be
able to support myself. That's why I went. I didn't
know why. I knew I was going because I knew
it one day I was going to be on my
own and I'll have to support myself as a woman.
And as a mother, and that sure enough did happen.
But that's what that was my motivation.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
What an incredible thought.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Yeah, and I was twenty Yeah, and I one.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Day I will have to support myself. Is that nearly
the narrative our daughter's need regardless, not one day you
will have to, but you should be able to if
you want to.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
You know, like the choice choice. I just want the choice.
And if I choose to stay home, I just stay home.
If I choose to be a stay at home mom,
I choose that. If I choose to then go out,
I choose that. What we need and what I wanted
was choice. I love the fact that you can choose
to stay home and be a mum. And if that's
somebody's like, win, And that is somebody's goal in life
(33:28):
is to be at home with their children and being
a stay at home mom twenty four hours a day.
Gratitude to you, Like, I have no reason to say
that's not success. If that is success in your eyes,
it's success to me.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
And I think this as women like we downplay the
roles that we have if a woman is a stay
at home mum. Sometimes I hear this. I'm just a
stay at home mom.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
That word just you're not just I need to just
quickly tell you, yeah, my best friend. Yeah, I have
two in the whole world. Yeah, Carla engineer. Carla has
five daughters. Wow, she has five daughters.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
That's a CEO's job.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
The oldest is twenty down to eight.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
What a beautiful home though, Yeah, what a beautiful experience
to her home.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
And there are people running in and it is a
home of Loveland chaos and screaming and have.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
You got my Friday over the bathroom?
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Oh my gosh, all of it. And when she says
just a mum, I go, I love you so much
and I need you to stop saying it because I
can't do what you do. And I love her. Number
one priorities to bring up these incredible women to go
out into the world and do whatever they want to do.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah, that's your email.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
And she's just about to learn how to drive a truck,
by the way, so that she can I don't even know,
but yeah, she wanted to do something for herself and
she's going to learn how to drive a truck. And anyway,
it's a long story, but.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
She's having a choice. Just I don't like the word just.
I'm just a barrista. I'm just a stay at home mum.
I'm just a house cleaner. You're not just you're choosing
to do that. I need my house cleaner. You're not
just a house cleaner to me. You are a lifesaver.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
I was going to use it, but yeah, you.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Are a godsend to me. You're not just my barrista.
I need you every morning you make my coffee. You
know you're important to me. And so if we could
just shift the dialogue around that word just, you're not just.
You're still successful regardless of what you choose to do
every day.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
I think I use the word just all the time.
I think we do you think we're Do you think
we're using this? Do you think it's consciously?
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Try? I try consciously, don't do it. I make a
decision not to use a word just because, not just because,
as people, I contribute to people just like you do. Okay,
in other ways, you're You've got this platform of a
podcast that will touch however many women and one thing
they can get from us and they learn we could
(36:03):
help somebody. We can change somebody's life just from hearing
a conversation. So You're not just someone that sits there
on the microphone. You're not just someone that wakes up
at three. You're more than that. And I think us
as women can be better at that. And I think
that's what got me through my relationships and how I
was showing up. I'm not just a person in a relationship.
(36:24):
I'm more than that. And I work and I'm still
working at it every day. I'm not perfect at it.
I have really crappy days sometimes and but I still
get up. I'll get up in if I need to
lie in bed for a day because I don't feel good.
It doesn't mean I'm a failure. It doesn't mean I'm depressed.
It means, hang on a minute. My body needs to
stop and I probably need to process what's going on.
(36:45):
I might feel overwhelmed over or burnt out. I'm gonna
stay in bed. There's nothing wrong with me, and I
think we can get better at that. Let's remove the
just from our conversation.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
I think you've just given us the title of your episode,
but it starts with the conscious. I'm not going to
use that word when I describe who I am.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
I am more than just.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I think we have to end it there and I
always go, damn it, there was so much more.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
I can do a part too.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
I think we'll have to.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
Don't roll your eyes. Oh no, I am.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
And you know, you know I can say it on
a podcast. I can say it, but I see you
and and then so then there is this, there's so
much to talk about, but you know, like I might
have to pay for my own session.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Did good this time because you didn't end up on
the therapy chan I was, I was like, ship, your
eyes moved to the right. You're avoiding eye contact for
a minute.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
But thank you for joining me, Thanks for having
Doctor Love. Thank you so much for joining us on
the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
You're welcome, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
I mean, I've been following you on Instagram. We've been
running around Adelaide and crashing into each other at a
couple of different events, and you have been, for me
one of the people that you know everyone in the room,
but you'll take time to say hello even Absolutely, you
know basically to everyone, and that they're the things that
(00:32):
you notice. You know, some people get just a stop
and a quick but you seem to take much more
time with people. Yeah, you're a people person. Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I appreciate connection, and I think you get that in
any part of your life. And one of that's the
social scene, you know, like it's very easy for us
to walk past somebody and just say hello. But I
like to know about people. I'm interested. I'm actually really curious.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
And I have to admit there was a little bit
of nervousness because we bring you on to the podcast.
I'm following you on Instagram and I think, you know,
I'm going to be wanting to pull back a couple
of layers on you, and then I'll end up on
the couch if I'm not careful.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
That's happened quite a few times. I don't know if
you've heard any of the other podcasts, but we're on
and we're doing an interview when the other person's like,
I didn't put up, I didn't put my hand up
for therapy.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
H yeah, on a second, this is we're just getting
our session. So I mean, why relationships for you? I get?
And am I getting this right? Because when I have
to describe you, why have I got doctor love on
the podcast? I think I meant at a top line level,
(01:43):
you could say it's relationships, but deeper it's going to
be about connection and self worth and empowerment and you know,
everything that we're told to do, but it's actually much
harder in practice.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Yeah. Absolutely, yeah, So why relationship? You're right, it's relationships.
That's what I do. That's my bread and butter, But
I do it. It was a side hustle and excuse me,
relationships throughout my whole career. What I found is that
it didn't matter where I was, whether it was in education, forensic, business, corporate, organizational.
(02:20):
The one thing that stood out for me that made
the most impact for those people I was working with
was their relationships. So businesses, you know, profit and loss statements.
When the CEO wasn't good and the relationships weren't good,
it impacted or you know, senior managers, or there was
you know, in education and kids having disjointed or dysfunctional relationships.
(02:43):
I was seeing, Hang on a minute, the most, the
way I could make the most impact in people's lives
was to look at relationships. And that's what I wanted.
I wanted to go, what can I do while I'm here?
And it's easy for me. I can look at people
and it's just intuitive. I'm actually good at it and
I love it, and I put that I'm not cheating
(03:04):
my own horn. It's just that if you find something
that you love and you're good at, it doesn't because
it's not a job anymore. And that was important for me.
I didn't want to feel like I was in a job.
I want to feel like I'm making a difference. And
I went into this field. It just sat on my
really just fell in my lap. I practiced in the
field of psychology for many years, and I went down
(03:28):
the road of all of those other areas, and then
I ended up working with a sexologist a little bit
into my career, and what I found is that when
they were working on their sexology stuff functional stuff, they
were coming to see me for other reasons. And what
we found is that the relationship, the way they did relationship,
(03:49):
the way they communicated, impact what happened in functionality. And
so all of a sudden, I just had all these
people coming to me, couples, singles, people try and find love,
not having love, not connection, and it just automatically happened.
And I think it was on a radio interview that
someone said, You're like the love doctor and I said,
I actually really love that. Yeah, and I couldn't get
(04:11):
l ov and I said, oh, well, I'm going to
do it. I'm doing it anyway. It sounds better on radio.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
It sounds very elvious and very very sexy.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
So yeah, relationships definitely is what I do. And I
feel like it's because it has no barriers relationship. We
have relationships. It doesn't matter where we are in the world,
what part of our life, Relationships are important, and that's
what I do. Was it.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Daunting if you said it was a side hustle for you,
It sounds kind of like it was a calling that
was niggling and nagging at you until it got so
big that you couldn't turn it off? Was it still
daunting to jump from, say, the stability of the other
to no, no, I'm about to embrace this embody this
because do you are you off ever or are you
(05:01):
always doctor Love in some capacity?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Look doctor love is I mean, is.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Doctor Love now another? Is it a persona to bridget?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah? Absolutely, it's Patty separate. So Bridget is the you know,
the mom, the friend, the daughter, the partner, it's all
of that. And then doctor Loves this alter ego, but
you know extend. You know, my mum even calls me
doctor Love. Now there's no Bridget, and I'm like, hang
on a minute, the lines are getting blurred.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
It's like when you're late for dinner and you forgot something.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Yeah, or you know, my children when I don't listen
to mom, they go doctor Love because I'll turn my
head because I'm ignoring the word mum because I know
they want something right. But yeah, it is.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
It was.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
You know, it wasn't daunting that I was leaving the
stability of you know, my corporate life or whatever that
life was, because I still dabble in that. That is
still part of my life. The most daunting thing was
was the people trying to chop me down around this conversation,
the glass ceiling of you know, how how how how
(06:07):
big do you think you're going to get? How do
you think this is going to make your money?
Speaker 3 (06:10):
Like?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Are people going to talk about talk to you about
relationships or sex or intimacy? You're crazy? And I thought
this is interesting because the people that were saying that,
when I look back, are the ones that struggle the
most in relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Were they friends and I'm fat?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Friends and family?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Why I don't know. I don't It's so well meaning,
aren't they.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Look their intention? It's almost like, you know, I don't
want to make you, don't make a fool out of yourself,
Like I'm protecting you, but in the same way, they're
keeping you small, right or the same, the same because
if you change, I know how much I'm not changing. Yeah,
So if you just stay the same, I don't feel
so bad about myself because I can just keep doing
(06:53):
the same thing for the next twenty years and feel okay.
But the minute you change or expand, then I think,
hang on a minute, I don't feel good enough about myself.
You know you're reaching this, You're doing that. You're living
a life that I thought I couldn't live, and you're
doing that. Why can't I?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
So, did you have to readjust your own story or
did you find your needed to reach out for, I
mean another psychologist or someone else that was able to
objectively look at what you're going through, thinking about well
experienced to then yeah, you know, re establish those tools
(07:33):
that you probably fundamentally know. Anyway.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah, I did a lot of work on my own,
So I read a lot. I listened to a lot
of podcasts, a lot of personal and professional development, and
I'm pretty big on that. Like I walk to talk
like I don't say go and see someone. I see someone.
You know, if I feel like something's coming up in
my life and it's challenging, I will go straight away
(07:54):
to see someone to work out why it's challenging and
why is it triggering me? And why does this person
piss me off? Or why do I feel like I'm
not good enough in this situation. I still struggle with
imposter syndrome every day, Like I still go am I
good enough? Or am I really an expert in this field?
Because I don't feel like it some days because I'm
learning something new every day, and I think, hang on
(08:15):
a minute. Being an expert doesn't mean you don't stop learning, no, right, yeah,
and I know, yeah, I think being a relationship expert,
you're always on the podium and people are going, well,
how would it be like to be in a relationship
with doctor Love? Like I'm not human or I don't
have issues in relationships, because I do. You know, I
still have my attachment styles that come to the party.
(08:37):
My partner or whoever i'm has their attachment styles and
their insecurities, and it's still a conversation that needs to happen.
It's not because you're an expert you don't have any
any challenges. That's unrealistic. It's like saying to a GP,
just because you're a GP, you can't get the cold
and flu. Right, it doesn't work that way. So I'm
(08:58):
still human. So I think the biggest challenge is how
can you be an expert in this field and still
have challenges. That's been my challenge is having those conversations
with people, why isn't your life so perfect? Well, it's
imperfectly perfect for me. I'll work through it. It's fine, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Take me just back, just a touch for me. When
the friends and family are saying to you, you know, ah,
you sure, or that's a bit of a risk, or
that's a gamble or whatever they might be saying. Do
you think part of the challenge sometimes for people humans
is that it might have just been a simple passing
(09:38):
comment that was made, but we've amplified it because it's
touching on the greatest fear that we have. You know,
like maybe it was just a flippant like oh, really, well,
what are you going to do for money? Yep, And
then all of a sudden it's oh my god, they
don't think I can earn any money, and they don't
think I'm going to go broke, and they think I'm
going to do and none of those things were actually said,
but we've done it to our Yeah, so we.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
It's a trigger for it's like, oh, what are you
going to do for money? And underlying a trigger could
be fear of failure or fear of not being able
to make money or provide and it's like okay, so
then the rumination has started. It's like they've tipped us
over there to be like, you know, what if what
if I don't make the money. What if I do fail.
At that point, I could have said I'm not doing it.
(10:20):
What I did do and what I continue to do
is tell less people what I'm doing, yeah, right.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Which can be hard. It is because sometimes you want
to share this amazing achievement or dream or whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah. So I have learned that when I'm working on something,
and I'm working on something new now which I'm not
going to share yet, but it's amazing, but I will
only share it with the people that need to know,
not the people I want to know while it's in
like the nurturing foundation stage, because I don't want to
be derailed. And that's what I probably could have done
(10:55):
better before. I've learned that along the way is that
I usually just come out and go, hey, this is
what I've got, and everyone's like, where the hell did
you do that? And how because I didn't say a word.
But there it is because I find that if I
tell people, even though their intention is good, it does
play on your mind. It's like, well, what if they're right?
(11:15):
I don't want any doubt. I want to stay focused,
laser focused. I know where I want, I know where
I want to get, so I'm literally like boxed, and
I'm like, don't let me look sideways. I know what
I want, and I feel like when I'm in that space,
when i'm creating something, I'm less likely to waiver and
doubt what I'm going to do. So I think that's
what I learned from.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
That is the trickiest part, not telling, because I'm.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Such an excited person. I want to tell everyone everything,
and I'm really shitty at whole hiding things. And so
I've got like a bit of a team around me
with this new project that I'm working on, and they
know and they're super excited, and when we're together, we're
like jumping around. And then I've got my friends and
I had to let the cat out of the bag.
Like yesterday, I was like, I just have to tell you,
(12:00):
but just a little bit of it because I just
can't hold it all.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
And just be happy for me. Yeah, just like just
a little bit.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
This is what I'm working on, but just just I'm
telling you a a bit because I can't hold it
all in such an I want to tell everyone, but
I know the importance of staying focused and not getting
too many opinions that might sway where I want to go.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, so live in Adelaide. Are you born and bred here?
Is this always been home or interesting?
Speaker 2 (12:29):
I was actually born in Adelaide. I was born here.
I left it too and grew up in Sydney. So
I am a bit of a Sydney girl and then
ventured off.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I've got all the vibes. Yah, by the way, all
the vibes.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I'll take that as a conflidence. It is, ok.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
I love Sydney. I've just come back for I had
twelve months there working with Jones. Oh okay, and now
I am here.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Got the Sydney Yeah okay.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Good, all right, I'll just flick my hand out. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
So grew up in Sydney, studied in Sydney. I've got
a few degrees that I did there, and then went
out and ventured into worked in Dubai for a little while,
and that's where I did a little corporate business stuff.
From Dubai back to Adelaide about eight years ago and
spent two years here. Loved it. By then I had
three children, so Adelaide was like it was different from Dubai.
(13:17):
I did miss the house cleaner, the driver and all
of that. I had to come straight back down to
reality and landed in a place like Adelaide where the
shops still close at like.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Foe explain this to me?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I can't. I can't be disorganized.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Right. So I got here and it was a public holiday,
and I thought, oh god, I've got to get toilet
paper and stuff, thinking that Woolies or coals would be open.
I go to the local woolies and it's closed and
I'm like, why is this closed? And I asked the neighbor,
I said, why is will Worth's closed? It's a Sunday.
They go, it's a public holiday. Everything in Adelaide's shut.
(13:55):
This is about eight years ago. I think we've gotten better.
And I couldn't find toilet paper. I had to go
to a low cool otr or whatever and they had
a toilet piece and I was like, wow, like I've
gone from a city that doesn't sleep twenty four hours
Dubai landed in a little country town that I can't
even get like toilet paper and soap for overnight. But
I loved it. The simplicity of it, the ease of
(14:19):
getting around being a mum with three children. I just
felt like it was a really good state to be
in for that time in my life. For those couple
of years I spent here, went back to Sydney, and
I thought I'd rather bring my teenagers back to Adelaide
to grow up and do their schooling. So that's why
we're here is more lifestyle. It was a lifestyle choice. Really.
(14:44):
They have freedom here in Adelaide more than they would
have for having Sydney.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Oh anywhere, Yeah, anywhere.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
They can jump on a bus and be in town
in ten minutes. You go to Sydney, you're on a
bus and a train, and yeah, it's too big. I'm like,
you're just coming back to Adelaide?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Is this not too As someone who has just moved here?
The city of opportunity though? Absolutely, All I see is
the opportunity.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Absolutely, And that's where I think people have wrong. It's
a sleeping city. It's fine from that. No, no, no,
it's far from that. We have so many opportunity in
so many industries here that why wouldn't you want to
be here? Why wouldn't you.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Let's talk about relationships.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Okay, what would be.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
The number one thing that people are coming to you for? Oh? Wow?
Speaker 2 (15:36):
It does depend most of the time, because you have
to remember, I see couples and individuals, but really, at
the end of the day, most of them come and
see me because they don't know how to give or
receive love in some capacity, and whether that's through communication, intimacy, trust,
(15:56):
whatever it is, but it's I don't feel loved, or
I don't know how to give love and my partner's
not feeling loved, or I don't know how to receive
love and I'm staying single. Really, everyone wants to feel
loved and accepted, and that's the core issue. And what
we find is that when you're coming as a couple,
you're struggling in how to communicate that. How do I
(16:21):
communicate that I feel love for that person but I'm
not showing it or I don't know how to say it.
So communication is a very big issue that comes up
for people single or in a relationship because when you're single,
sometimes I don't know how to communicate what they want,
They don't how to communicate their boundaries, they don't even
communicate how they're feeling. So communication and obviously just the
(16:42):
core issue of feeling loved withally is.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
What is the first thing that you're saying to let's
start with a couple. You know, the first thing, strip
away all everything else. The very first thing that you can.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
Do is.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
You need to come up with a common ground. You
need to be on the same team. And I think
people forget in the chaos and in the challenges that
they're actually not against each other, even though they feel
that way, right, So they got to remember. They need
to remember why they're there, Why are you here? Like,
what's the team, what's the team motto? What's the value you?
(17:22):
What are you working on? And what we'll find is
that couples come and they want to fix their relationship.
Both of them have the same like goal, I want
to be with you. They just forget it in the argument.
And most of the time the argument is not even
over what they started arguing over. And it's lasted for
fifteen years and they're still arguing, and you're like, do
(17:44):
you remember when they started? No, but we're still arguing.
You know, they're picking and picking, and I'll tell you why,
because that first argument had no closure. That first argument
had not very good communication where they could pack it
away and learn from it and go, Okay, what's next,
How do we not do this again? They don't have
those conversations. They just either ignore it, let it slide
(18:06):
and get over it, or think they get over it.
But there's this little little carpet that we sweep resentment under,
and it builds and it builds and it builds, and
then the carpet you can't hide it anymore, right because
there's all these toys sitting under the carpet, and it's like,
what is that. That's a whole heap of resentment. And
resentment interferes with communication, connection, intimacy. When you have resentment,
(18:28):
then there's no relationship anymore. You become I don't know,
like partners in a home. You become housemates. You just coexist.
And so that's what we need. We need to work
out what is the common ground between you. If you're
working on the same goal, then that's half the job done. Yeah,
if you've got one that doesn't want to be there
(18:48):
and one that does, then that's a bit more difficult.
But if you have got the same goal, let's do it.
Let's just strategy. After that.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
When you say that, coming back again, it was the
side hustle and then I you know, you're a lifetime
time learner and all these types of things. Are you
presented with, say cases, I don't know what you would
call the I don't know if that's too clinical, where
you go, wow, jeez, I don't know where to start here.
Or it always comes back to communication.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Sometimes it's you get some really complex cases or you know,
clients coming to see you. We always I always start
at the beginning. What do you want? What is it
that you want? What are you fighting for?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Can people express that?
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Though not always so we spend some time because they're like,
they're like, I don't know, Well.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Is it you do? You really do, but you can't
write you really do?
Speaker 2 (19:47):
You always really know. But we are so full of excuses, blame,
fear that we don't know. We don't know how to
express that. So we have to strip that all back.
What are you scared of? I'm scared of getting hurt? Okay,
if you weren't scared of getting hurt, then what would
the feeling be. I just want him or hurt to
love me for how I am, for how I am unconditionally. Okay.
(20:10):
Then the other person says the same thing. So we've
got to strip back the fears and what's stopping them
from actually like and also what they think they deserve.
Some of them want love, but are unconsciously and somewhere
in their body they don't think they deserve it, So
then how do they even have permission to say it?
So even sort of peeling that back and working out, well,
(20:31):
hang on a minute, you want it, but you don't
think you deserve it, which means it's like you're setting
yourself up for failure. So all of that, Most of
the time we have to find the common ground. What
are you working towards? What is it that you want?
Because if you don't know what you want, it's like
you're doing archery without the you know, little red circle
without the target, Like where are you shooting? Like what
(20:52):
are you looking for? Where are you going? You need
the target.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
I lost my mum about oh, we'll be coming up
to you in October, and I recorded a whole heap
of stuff with her, and one of the things I
said to her was, you know, Mum, I'm going to
need to get some married advice, because even if I
don't want it now, I'm potentially going to need it
at some point. And she said, you know, I would
(21:18):
say to anyone that was about to get married that
you really need to do counseling before you get married. Absolutely,
And she said her father, so he's now pastor had
said to her, you know, so in back in the
day they would go to the priest, I have the
pre meeting, you know, like do we all understand the
laws of God?
Speaker 2 (21:37):
And you know what it looks like.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
And then that was the counseling. Yeah, that was you
had to do that in order to you know. And
he had said to her, you know, you need to
have these hard conversations and things like that, and she said, no,
it needs to be a psychologist. And two people have
to know before they commit to this thing, what they're
signing up for. What are the hopes and dreams of
(22:00):
this other person. Yeah, yep, maybe they don't want to
live in the house and the white pick of fence anymore,
or maybe they you know, don't want to have kids
or that has them, you know whatever. But yeah, I
just I don't know even know how to normalize going
to see a psychologist is like it still feels like
it's not normal. There's there's got to be a problem,
(22:22):
right right, But it's okay to go okay when there's
not a problem. I see a coach then right, yeah, yeah,
the language going to change, that's what it is. So
I think what's happened is historically psychologists, psychiatrist, whatever it is,
you only went when there was a problem. It wasn't
very proactive. It was reactive. So people went, oh, I'm
(22:44):
feeling not very well or I'm now at having a divorce.
I need to see someone rather than being proactive and
setting yourself up to win, Like, go beforehand. You don't
run the marathon without training. Why would you run the
marathon of marriage and commitment without training? Go and see
(23:04):
someone before you commit. Work out what your values are.
Do they align?
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Do you have the same idea of how you're going
to be parenting? Do you want kids? Do you want
the pick of fans or do you want to live
a life you know with a backpack on and travel
the world? Like what is it that you both want?
And I think what people forget is that no marriage
or relationship is good one hundred percent of the time.
(23:28):
But what needs to happen and what needs to be
uncompromised is that every day you show up for each other,
even when it's crappy. That's the hard bit is that
people fail to show up for one another, and if
they could get that right, the relationship will go the
(23:48):
long haul. It's that when it gets hard, people don't
show up for the other person because they're too worried
about what's going on for them, how I'm feeling. But
if you both show up for each other and you're
caring about how the other person feels, you're both I
got you. You're being caught right by the other partner,
(24:09):
which means you're not so invested in your own rumination.
You're not invested in your own self talk, your beliefs
around your partner doing this and that was offensive. And
he's not loving me or she's not loving me, or
I'm not getting attention. You don't get that conversation. You
get I know he's got me even though I've been crappy. Yeah,
that's a good place to be. There's a safety around that,
(24:30):
and that's what relationships need, is there's an element of
safety that I know that she has my back or
he has my back, no matter how I show up.
Because we're going to have shitty times, We're going to
go through changes in jobs and kids, and you know
some people go through you know prenatal postnatal. Some people
lose a parent and go through a period of grief
(24:52):
and don't know how to show up in grief, like
what do you? Who are you through grief? And if
your partner doesn't keep showing up for you like that,
relationship can get get lost because I don't know who
you are at that time.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Yeah, you can change or absolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
So when you commit to a relationship, is I commit
to you even as we change. But you've got to
be changing with each other, and the only way you
can do that is in communication, if you keep speaking
to each other. My goals have changed, my dreams. I
want this now. Okay, how are we going to make
it happen? You're on the same team. It's when you
stop having those conversations and you're living side by side
(25:28):
and you'll got your own dreams and not a dream together.
That's when the cracks start to show.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm imagining you, doctor Loves as a sixteen
year old bridget. You were that friend, weren't you were
the friends that they would call?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Absolutely, I was also the naughty friend.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I got that one hundred because I needed to experience everything.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Yeah, how come I can do what I do because
I'm like, yeah, I've done that, done that, done that,
and that, Like I get it, I feel it. I've
been there, I know it. But I definitely was. I
was a true RD or die. Yeah yeah, and I
still am. Yeah. Ah, you're a.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Good fun were you. Was it a thing that happened
to for you in relationships that you're like, there's just
not okay, not all men are assholes or this this
has happened to me and it's horrendous and actually I'm
going to look into this war and then and then
it grew from there.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
What happened it was it was my experiences in my
relationship that forced me to be an expert. Yeah okay,
because I'm like you, yeah, like what didn't you do? Right?
Is more the question? So you you think about my
so my journey around relationships. So we're talking about, you know,
(26:44):
struggles with in laws and being accepted and that conversation
and how that can impact a relationship. And then you
talk about infidelity and how that impacts a relationship, and
then you talk about coercive control and how that affects
a relationship, and then you talk about being a parent
and being on your own pent kids on your own
why you're feeling emotionally disconnected and how to do that
(27:04):
and feeling alone and isolated. So I've gone through all
of these things in my relationship, and I'm like, and
I'm working at the same time, and I'm trying to
like analyze what's going on, and I'm like, Okay, this
is showing up, but why? And my curiosity kept me sane. Okay,
if and when my story does come out, and there
(27:25):
will be a book one day, you will see that
anyone else that wasn't curious about some of the things
that I went through could have very easily gone and
seen a traditional psychologist or psychiatrist have been on medication
because of the hard yards and the work that needed
to be done. But I was determined to work out
why I was that naughty sixteen year old girl. Was like,
(27:47):
hang on a minute.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Oh, she's here, right she I listen to you. She
is so here, she's.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
Never left, right. So that little and that little deviant,
you know, cure And I was that at school and
I remember my English teacher turning around and saying to me,
you're such a devian And I said, what does that mean?
I didn't even know what it meant, and I went,
I checked, and I went, I'm going to look at
that from a really good perspective.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Yeah, she none almost actually, but yes, it was my
experience in relationships.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So my crappy relationships made me the expert at what
I do because I had to find a way how
to navigate it. How I felt when I was down,
What that looked like, How did I get myself out?
What are the I became this this expert at looking
at patterns like I would notice the patterns of when
things would happen and how and where it came from
(28:46):
for him and where it came from for me, because yeah, okay,
all these things happened in our relationship, but I was
also showing up in a way where I was reactive.
I had to work out why as well, because I
played a part in that. Yeah okay, I can easily
say oh he was this and he was that, but
there was a part of me that showed up still
for that.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
That's always an interesting part for me. When I look
at things, I always go, what was my role in
the right, what was my narrative around this? And look,
so be it. I was young when I got into
those relationships, and that was quite a long relationship and
a lot of my identity as an adult was developed
in that relationship. And so I had to unlearn a
lot of stuff, which is the hardest thing to do,
(29:26):
like trying to unlearn some of the habits that you made,
and the ideas around love and connection and the false
beliefs and the limitations of what you can expect from
a partner. That's hard to unlearn, but it can be done.
But if you're determined, you can do it. So, yeah,
you're right. My experiences actually pushed me into this area
(29:46):
and my curiosity about wanting to be happy. How do
am I content with or without somebody? How do I
navigate someone's behavior that's not serving me? Am I worthy enough?
Speaker 2 (30:00):
The fear? Am I making a mistake? How do I
move on? How do I stay? What do I do
with kids? All those conversations. So, and that's where I am.
And that's why when I do this work, I do
this work from a place of love because I empathize
with you. I will never sympathize, because sympathize is not
going to be helpful for anybody. No, but let me
(30:20):
empathize with you because I felt this. I know what
this feeling is, and it creates the most magical space
for people to transform. When you can come from a
place of knowledge and empathy and hold space for them,
the transformation that happens for these people is insane and
that is the magic for me.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
And I guess this is why I love this opportunity
that I get to sit down with people and talk
because I go, it's very easy to go, oh, look.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
At doctor love.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Look at this fabulous lifestyle that she hasn't you know,
but there's all this stuff around it. You know that
that's where the me the gaps is. Yeah, I guess
you know. When I look at you, so I see
this sixteen year old girl, you know, like you were
you were her. Yeah, I got you, I got you,
I see you, I love you. And then I look
(31:13):
at you, this grown woman. She didn't get here easily.
Absolutely nothing has been handed to you on a plate.
And it would be easy for someone Oh, well, she
went to UNI and she you know, like she's a psychologist. No,
nothing has been handed to you.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
UNI was so hard for me. I don't find learning easy.
I can't even read and retain it, Like I literally
have to read something and have the audio playing at
the same time. I don't. I don't easily. I don't
remember things easily either. I can remember things like visually
and things a little bit better. So even my learning
(31:52):
style isn't conducive to education.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Is anybody? I don't know, but I think university is
set up for right a certain type of lunar regardless.
All right, this is a whole other podcast. Okay, definitely
I struggled.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Yeah, and I didn't get amazing grades all the time,
like some things. I struggle. You know, what I'm going
done is better than perfect because I don't know. I
know what I want to do with this later, And
to be honest with you, I went on a journey
of going to UNI, and I didn't even know I
was going to be a psychologist. I actually went to
UNI to do law and ended up doing psychology because
that was a subject and I liked it. But I
(32:29):
went because I thought, one day I'll have to be
able to support myself. That's why I went. I didn't
know why. I knew I was going because I knew
it one day I was going to be on my
own and I'll have to support myself as a woman.
And as a mother, and that sure enough did happen.
But that's what that was my motivation.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
What an incredible thought.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Yeah, and I was twenty Yeah, and I one.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Day I will have to support myself. Is that nearly
the narrative our daughter's need regardless, not one day you
will have to, but you should be able to if
you want to.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
You know, like the choice choice. I just want the choice.
And if I choose to stay home, I just stay home.
If I choose to be a stay at home mom,
I choose that. If I choose to then go out,
I choose that. What we need and what I wanted
was choice. I love the fact that you can choose
to stay home and be a mum. And if that's
somebody's like, win, And that is somebody's goal in life
(33:28):
is to be at home with their children and being
a stay at home mom twenty four hours a day.
Gratitude to you, Like, I have no reason to say
that's not success. If that is success in your eyes,
it's success to me.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
And I think this as women like we downplay the
roles that we have if a woman is a stay
at home mum. Sometimes I hear this. I'm just a
stay at home mom.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
That word just you're not just I need to just
quickly tell you, yeah, my best friend. Yeah, I have
two in the whole world. Yeah, Carla engineer. Carla has
five daughters. Wow, she has five daughters.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
That's a CEO's job.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
The oldest is twenty down to eight.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
What a beautiful home though, Yeah, what a beautiful experience
to her home.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
And there are people running in and it is a
home of Loveland chaos and screaming and have.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
You got my Friday over the bathroom?
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Oh my gosh, all of it. And when she says
just a mum, I go, I love you so much
and I need you to stop saying it because I
can't do what you do. And I love her. Number
one priorities to bring up these incredible women to go
out into the world and do whatever they want to do.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah, that's your email.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
And she's just about to learn how to drive a truck,
by the way, so that she can I don't even know,
but yeah, she wanted to do something for herself and
she's going to learn how to drive a truck. And anyway,
it's a long story, but.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
She's having a choice. Just I don't like the word just.
I'm just a barrista. I'm just a stay at home mum.
I'm just a house cleaner. You're not just you're choosing
to do that. I need my house cleaner. You're not
just a house cleaner to me. You are a lifesaver.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
I was going to use it, but yeah, you.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Are a godsend to me. You're not just my barrista.
I need you every morning you make my coffee. You
know you're important to me. And so if we could
just shift the dialogue around that word just, you're not just.
You're still successful regardless of what you choose to do
every day.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
I think I use the word just all the time.
I think we do you think we're Do you think
we're using this? Do you think it's consciously?
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Try? I try consciously, don't do it. I make a
decision not to use a word just because, not just because,
as people, I contribute to people just like you do. Okay,
in other ways, you're You've got this platform of a
podcast that will touch however many women and one thing
they can get from us and they learn we could
(36:03):
help somebody. We can change somebody's life just from hearing
a conversation. So You're not just someone that sits there
on the microphone. You're not just someone that wakes up
at three. You're more than that. And I think us
as women can be better at that. And I think
that's what got me through my relationships and how I
was showing up. I'm not just a person in a relationship.
(36:24):
I'm more than that. And I work and I'm still
working at it every day. I'm not perfect at it.
I have really crappy days sometimes and but I still
get up. I'll get up in if I need to
lie in bed for a day because I don't feel good.
It doesn't mean I'm a failure. It doesn't mean I'm depressed.
It means, hang on a minute. My body needs to
stop and I probably need to process what's going on.
(36:45):
I might feel overwhelmed over or burnt out. I'm gonna
stay in bed. There's nothing wrong with me, and I
think we can get better at that. Let's remove the
just from our conversation.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
I think you've just given us the title of your episode,
but it starts with the conscious. I'm not going to
use that word when I describe who I am.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
I am more than just.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I think we have to end it there and I
always go, damn it, there was so much more.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
I can do a part too.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
I think we'll have to.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
Don't roll your eyes. Oh no, I am.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
And you know, you know I can say it on
a podcast. I can say it, but I see you
and and then so then there is this, there's so
much to talk about, but you know, like I might
have to pay for my own session.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Did good this time because you didn't end up on
the therapy chan I was, I was like, ship, your
eyes moved to the right. You're avoiding eye contact for
a minute.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
But thank you for joining me, Thanks for having
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The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.
The Charlie Kirk Show
Charlie is America's hardest working grassroots activist who has your inside scoop on the biggest news of the day and what's really going on behind the headlines. The founder of Turning Point USA and one of social media's most engaged personalities, Charlie is on the front lines of America’s culture war, mobilizing hundreds of thousands of students on over 3,500 college and high school campuses across the country, bringing you your daily dose of clarity in a sea of chaos all from his signature no-holds-barred, unapologetically conservative, freedom-loving point of view. You can also watch Charlie Kirk on Salem News Channel