July 21, 2022 • 29 mins
On your knees praying to anyone that will listen; please keep my daughter earth side.
This is a pain so real it hits you at the very core.
Sophie is a single Mother with two daughters; India, 16 and Violet, 14.
In 2017, after months of panic attacks and school refusal, India was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
In 2018, this diagnosis escalated to severe social anxiety and clinical depression.
She moved schools for her as she wanted a fresh start, and that seemed to help for six months, then India's anxiety became heightened due to her social surroundings and she went downhill fast.
In 2019 the self-harming began, then in the march the suicide attempts started.
Fast forward to 2022 and Sophie has started the Please Stay Foundation.
She is a woman of Influence…
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
On your knees, praying to anyone that will listen, please
keep my daughter earthside. This is a pain so real
it hits you in your very core. Sophie is a
single mum of two daughters, Indy sixteen and Violet fourteen.
In twenty seventeen, after months of panic attacks and school refusal,
Indy was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. In twenty eighteen,
(00:29):
this diagnosis escalated to severe social anxiety and clinical depression.
She moved schools where she had to start all over again,
and it seemed to help maybe with the anxiety, for
about six months, but then it got heightened and she
went downhill, very very fast. In twenty nineteen, the self
(00:49):
harming began, and then in March the suicide attempt started.
Fast forward to twenty twenty two and Sophie has started
the Please State Foundation. She is a woman of influence
and she joins us now. Sophie, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Thank you for having me. I'd be here.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I keep thinking about this on your knees, you know,
praying to keep my daughter earthside. And the reason why
I come to that is I had a friend. I
called her up one day and I said, oh, how
are you going? And they said, you know what, Kate,
at the moment, we're just trying to keep the mirth side.
And so that's always stayed with me, and I think,
(01:31):
you know, I've heard, yeah, yeah, I'm just trying to
keep my daughter, my son at Earth's side. And I
just keep thinking to be lying in bed at three
o'clock in the morning and hoping, you know, or having
to get up to check, you know, not wanting to
wake up and see that your daughter or your son
is not there would have to be, you know, the
(01:53):
most horrible state a parent could be, and you've lived it.
So tell us a little bit more about about leaving
through this.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Well, it's kind of it's almost impossible to recount how
it was and how it felt.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
But like you're saying, with the checking on them, I
just slept there.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
I did not leave her side for two years, basically,
so you can imagine a teenage girl with the mom
stuck to her. You know, it got a bit hairy,
but it was the only way that I could make
sure that she wouldn't keep trying to herself basically, and
(02:38):
you know, the times that she did were times that
I weren't there. With her, But it only takes us,
you know, a few minutes. And and yeah, if you're
not being there or you know, you think you cover
all your bases, you lock up the medication, you hide
the knives. Do you think you can do everything? But
(02:58):
then they where there's a will, there's a way. But
I'm one of the lucky ones.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
That you know, she's still here.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
With us, and I've learned from it, and I want
to help other parents.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Sophie, even hearing you explain that, no, I was there,
you know, like I didn't go to bed. I was
with her every moment that I could be. And then
I even imagine the anxiety of then and needing to
go away, having a doctor's appointment, doing some food shopping.
I mean, how how were you yourself? Like you must
(03:34):
have exhausted.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Well, it's kind of the exhaustion's hitting me now now
that you know I've come back down from the fight
and flight, the panic's gone. Well, I'm truly gone. So grateful,
but when you're in it, yeah, it's exhausting.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
But you just do it. You just do it, you know,
in this.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Little Sister Vile it was incredible, you know, but it's
still getting them to school and whatever. But it was, Yeah,
it's tough, it's almost impossible.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Your website, Please Stay Foundation is incredible, and I think
I was reading about how in some aspects, the aspects,
the system failed you in terms of you know, you
reported things to the teachers, and you went to the
principles and you move schools and tell us about that
system failure that you or the steps that you tried.
(04:32):
You tried and tried and tried, and then what it
looks like.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
So Indy started getting sick. It was noticeable around when
she was twelve years old. For me, you know, I'm
familiar with mental health and ill mental health, and she
was starting to show signs of it, you know, upset
tummy before school, not sleeping, not eating, not wanting to socialize,
(04:57):
dropping out of all of her activities.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
You know, you make them. You want to got to
go to ballet, you got to go to basketball, You've.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Got to go, you know, because so you think that
that's a good thing for them.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
But it was almost impossible for me to get well.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
It was. It became impossible. So we started that's when
the diagnosis started. We've got some therapy and stuff, but
she's very bright. Most of the kids that I've come
across are really super bright and super super sensitive. But
there is only one option. The only option is for
(05:31):
them to go to school until they're sixteen years old,
and that is the only that's the only thing that legally,
you know, they have to go to school.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
So I really.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Struggled with that with India because I knew she was smart,
and I knew she could read and write, and you know,
it was but she just needed a break from the pressure,
and I knew she'd catch up on any education that
she needed or just wait till you know, she found
something that she really loved and felt less pressure to perform.
(06:05):
So this, I just think it's a shame that there
is only that one option.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Do you think because of the pandemic with COVID and
now school's getting used to being online that you know,
hopefully this might be a change. I keep hoping that
there will be a change for kids that have whether
it's mental health or whether it's some other type of
(06:35):
reason why that they can't be in school, even if
it's not full time, but it's you know, a couple
of days a week, they get to still do everything online.
I mean, did you see that rolling out in the
school systems and think, you know, we need this, we
actually need this as an option at the time attached
to that motion.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
But look for some people, you know, it was fifty hit.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Yeah. I think some kids were you know, like, hallelu
pays an order. I can just do this from home,
in my own comfortable environment without all eyes on me,
and you know, but then others they really need that
social interaction.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
So it's you know, double edged sword really.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
But I mean we tried homeschooling as well, so I
had a stent of that with India.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
But you know, she just was in.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Such a state of anxiety and panic, fight and flight
that she just couldn't learn, She couldn't absorb, and the
more she tried, the more anxious she would get. So she,
in my opinion, she just needed a break. She just
needed a break. But we weren't given a break because
the school, even with the distance education this homeschooling, if
(07:55):
you don't turn up and if you don't do what
you're supposed to you the alarm bells go off and
the police come over. So you know, you get two
or three days without a doctor's certificate.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Even though I had.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
So I had letters from the doctor, the GP, the psychiatrist, psychologist,
social workers saying that she's at home with me and
save you know, and it's study of care. I understand,
but I don't know that there could be a little
bit of leeway there somewhere. So I just I just
(08:29):
got her in the car and drove to the country basically,
because it was just it was that or she was
going to die, like it was. I was.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Probably That's how desperate I was.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You literally did pack up home, didn't you and move
for more help or for the break? What was it?
Was it to access other people as well? Or was
it we need to circubrate this whole thing?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Yeah? Both.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
So we were lucky enough to get into a program
called Backtrack YouthWorks, so Bernie Shakeshaw from a pro grandma
in Armadale and my cousin her son went through it,
so we had a leg in luckily because the waiting
list is huge.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
But yeah, it's just kids go there that.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Have struggling, don't fit into the system, you know, maybe
in trouble with the police, or don't have their parents,
or just kids that don't fit in basically, and it's
life skills. It's welding, it's dog training, dog jumping, fencing.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Art, you know, just stuff. And if they don't want
to do it, then I don't have to.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
If they're having a bad day, they'll take them out
to the dogs and they'll just spend a day with
the dogs or the horses or it was. It's yes,
it was a circuit breaker, absolutely. I mean the transition
wasn't easy, you know, because it was we were living
in two towns, so I left Violet in Sydney with
(09:53):
her dad.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
But she's just amazing. The girls are amazing, both of
them now.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
But what did happen was Indy was able to finish
year nine, year ten and year eleven at Tafe in Armadale,
and so now she has that qualification, which is incredible,
but it was she did that when she was fifteen.
So I think that people need to know that that
(10:20):
is actually an option.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
And if it's not, they can have a break from
school for a little bit. But unfortunately the law doesn't
doesn't allow it.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
That's in concrete. Hey, Sophie, listening to the service the program,
that sounds like it's private too though, right, Like it's
like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a challenge
in itself for the everyday Aussie family that can't access
a private So did you know.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Resource I this, Yeah, there is.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
There is very little like this, but the power of
the country, of the open skies, and and you know,
you're just feeding the dirt. There's kids just need to
be grounded, and it's I was I was shocked. I
wasn't shocked, but I was almost mesmerized by how much
(11:18):
it changed her being. You know, it was I guess
maybe it's not for all kids, but I think that
it's really important to be able to be out in nature.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Going through this yourself with your daughter, How has it
changed you as a person.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
I look at kids differently now, a lot differently, and
I stick up for them a lot more, especially for teenagers.
Like teenagers have such a bad name. You know, if
anyone says, oh, my dad, my bloody teenager this, it's like, well,
I think we don't understand what they're going through, and
we don't sympathize. We don't empathize everyone's rush. But I
(12:02):
think we just need to give kids a break. What
if I learned I've learned to listen, I've learned to
listen to them and just ask really basic, beautiful questions,
and it's you can see them changing and opening up
to you when you just sit down with them. Might
take five minutes, might take a couple of hours, but
(12:24):
that's what I've learned that, Yeah, that we need to
talk more.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Do you mean when you say that, do you mean
the old fashioned sitting at the table and having meals
together talks or getting our car and having the chat
or or literally, no, we need to talk today, Sophie,
we need to sit seriously have a talk or check.
What do you mean when you say we need to
talk more? What does that look like more?
Speaker 2 (12:51):
There's a few meanings to it, I don't.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
I think kids sensitive kids, kids with you know, mental illness,
they really it almost scares them the thought of sitting
down and having a formal dinner or Okay, we have
to do this today, or I'm going to write you
a letter and tell you it's none of that. You
just have to see it and be with them until
(13:15):
they're ready, and then you just ask little just just
peck at it, you know, but definitely not this forced,
you know, like the therapy the last and kids.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Want to do at all is talk, but you know,
we force.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Them into therapy, which of course is valuable, but I
just think someone that they love and trust to just
ask them how their day was, or what do you
love doing? Or oh my god, look at that cloud?
Can you see the colors in it?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
You know, just really.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
And I said it, but basic questions, just to engage
them and just not put anything on them. But you
know what I mean, it's like, yeah, so if you listen,
but we also need to talk to each other. So
when I was in it, I had no access to
other parents that had been through what I went through.
(14:09):
When India was in the hospital, we had a parents thing,
but they just put their push papers, you get the line,
you know, the telephone numbers to Corbett. There was no
opportunity for me to talk to other parents or hear
their story because I needed to. It was like what
did you do when your daughter took an overdose?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Or what happened? How did you feel?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Or there's absolutely no platform for it. And we're still
scared to talk about suicide and self harm and because
people don't know what to say, but you've just got
to say it.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Yeah, And you know, throughout this podcast, we've had and
I think about Mary Guy Kate Everett, who was the
mother of Dolly, you know, and she started all these
dream all of them. You know, say the word, you know,
say the word suicide, talk about it openly and my
(15:10):
greatest lesson is around just actually checking in, you know,
like how how are you as it and then have
the time to stop and listen and engage and not
how I oh youh good, Thanks, every I'm in the rush.
Let's get going with on with life type things. So
you know, your friends and your family, how were you
(15:31):
and that's your court. I caught my breath when you
just said it pretty much as simple as saying how
is your day today? You know, and actually not not
what you do? Yeah, yeah, that's it, Like just how
is your day today? That's you know, and I hope
I guess for an answer that's not good. Yeah whatever,
(15:53):
here we go.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And we don't understand kids mental help as much as
we should. Yeah, And that's because we don't talk and
we're not asking questions, we're not engaging in each other's lives,
you know, with other parents with mental health. Like for
me to get access to one of the other moms
at school at my daughter's school, who I knew her
(16:18):
daughter was in trouble, in hospital with a tempted suicide.
I could not get access to her. The school wouldn't
give it to me, the hospital wouldn't And I'm just
I was desperate. It's like, how can this be that
there is no way of us connecting?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yeah, yeah, in a world that we're supposed to be
so connected, you know, pick up a phone and jump on.
So she was so connected. Yeah, I hear you.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
That's that's what I'd like to change.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
That's what I'm That's what I've started up as an
online group for parents' cares anyone really that's that's that
needs some help and advice and a bit of support.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Sophie. In part of getting you on for the podcast,
we want to talk about Please Stay Foundation, which is
really it feels like your next journey, your next giving back.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Yes, so what we do, essentially, what we do is
granting grant a wish for a child in the mental
health system, so someone that you know is either receiving
treatment or has been in hospital or and yes, one
(17:32):
of the wishes that I've granted is to have a
scar reduction treatment for self harm scars and also I
have a couple of tattoo artists that have offered their
time and services to do some cover up tattoos for
you know, people that want for kids that want their
scars covered up.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
But it's a tricky one. They're self harm. I mean,
should we ask them about it? You know, this is
the thing why we hesitant, why we have so now.
And that's in answer to your question before.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
That's what I've learned is don't if you want to
say something, don't just say it not you know, obviously
nothing rude.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
But you know, just let's just acknowledge it. And can
you imagine how these kids are feeling.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
How conscious they are of their scars, or how conscious
they are of what people are thinking.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
But if we tell them what we're thinking, then there's
no gray area, you know, does pile up on it?
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Like let's just say, oh god, babes, you must have
been to a bad place, but look where you are now.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
It's amazing.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
And just because these kids are twelve and thirteen, it
doesn't mean that they don't have their own feelings and emotions.
And they can't.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
It's they're not they're not validated till they're sixteen, legally
you can't have you know, it's like, this is what
you do, this is how you feel, and if you
do this, this is how we.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Should do it. You know.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
I was thrown under the bus in the system with
India when they wanted to send her to school. And
I've tried it four times. She's tried to kill herself
eight times. It's not going to work. And they said, well,
this is what we need to do and if you
don't go along with what we are suggesting prescribing, then
(19:31):
we'll have to discharge her. Yeah, it's like right, So
that's they're not listening to anyone.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
It's box ticking, it's by the book and it's not working.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
It needs to be we're visualized. Is that what you're thinking?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Like?
Speaker 1 (19:47):
It needs to be case by case. Here's the key
in front of us. What is much need?
Speaker 2 (19:53):
But it's almost impossible. I mean, can you imagine the
resources you need for that? It's and so that that's another.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Thing that I'm doing is helping fund helping families pay
for private mental health care because it's expensive. And I've
done it for two girls so far, which I'm very
proud of, and it helped significantly already, and private mental
health can be like a private psychologist or a psychiatrist.
(20:21):
But also the natural therapy is acupuncture, kinesiology. I've sent
a few a couple of girls for hair folical testing
to see if they've got heavy metals or the pyroles. Like,
there's a million things that aren't checked in hospital or
the doctor.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
In the publics, in a public kind of system. Is
that what you mean?
Speaker 3 (20:42):
Exactly exactly? So the holistic it needs to be a
holistic approach. And because these kids are so sensitive, they
respond so well to natural therapists. It's incredible. I've seen
it with my own kids, and I've seen it with
these two that I've been helping. It's just it's it's
(21:03):
really fantastic. So I really want to be able to
offer that to whoever I can.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
So, Okay, So the police stay foundation. This is your
way of kind of giving back and making changes where
you can. So what what do you need now? Like's
the what's the biggest thing that you need in terms
of how can we help you?
Speaker 3 (21:27):
Yeah, the biggest thing at this stage is I need donations.
I need funding, whether it's a private or philanthropic or
government grants. I'm in the process of a plot of
applying for a few grants.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I know the money is there and I.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Just need to find it. It's a worthwhile cause, and
it's just I've actually got a few people waiting for
some wishes that I can't grow at this stage. So yeah,
I really need to Well, because I'm a startup, I
(22:08):
need to get the word out.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
At the moment, the.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
People I'm helping are friends of friends of family of friends,
and I've already got you know, a good handful of those.
So imagine how many others there are out there that
I can help.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
So what do I need?
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I need sponsors or donations, corporate donations, but I also
need kids.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
I need you need to hear from kids that need
help yah.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Their parents or so.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
On the website, there's a portal that you can go
in and nominated child. So nominated child means just giving
me a name, the details and what the wish is like,
very generic one go to Disneyland, you know, or go
to Movie World or.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Anything all scarring repair airing, all the.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
Exactly and on top of that, we can it's not
just one wish.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
It would be the one wish, and then let's try
some holistic therapy for.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
You, you know, to do you know, just more ongoing treatment,
not just throw the money and run, you know. And
from that then we build the community of the parents
online and we can all join forces. And you know,
it's a big problem, but I think we can. I
(23:33):
think we can help quite a lot of kids and families.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
What does Indian Violet think of all this?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
I think is awesome. They're like, oh, Mom, that's so awesome.
You're going on a podcast, right, well done.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Mom, Yeah, well done.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I moved to the country.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
I'm in Dubbo now because India is studying at Dubbo
Western Plains Tronga Zoo here, so you know, we've moved
around a fair bit. But you know, that's another wish.
That's four thousand dollars. Luckily, you know, I had help
from my family. But to do stuff like that, it's
expensive and it's not accessible for no one. But it's
(24:21):
changed to life.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
She's amazing and she's here. You've fought for her to
keep her Earth signed Sophie. When you look back on
the last five years, I guess, and you meet a
parent that's right in the thick of it at their moment,
you know, say it's now. I mean, what advice, what
(24:43):
advice do you give to fellow parents that are perhaps
going through something similar with this illness.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
I tell them to call me, you know, just agree
to yeah, reach out, but it's not to reach out
to the services because yeah, and this is the problem.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
What do I tell them?
Speaker 3 (25:04):
Don't leave their side, and don't force them to do
anything they don't want to do. Just just stop making
them do what everybody sells else says they should do.
She has to go to school, or he has to
go to school, or he has to go to soccer.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Or why isn't he going swimming? And it'd be so
good for him.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
It's like, just don't listen to anyone, you know your child,
listen to anyone that's trying to tell you that what
is going against your gut.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Just go with your gut.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
If something's wrong and you feel it's wrong, just stick
by them. And there's always time to catch up on
sport and education and just sit down and watch.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Three weeks.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
You know what you just said sport and I just thought,
you know what again, it's that old adage, you know,
if they had a broaken leg and go hurry up,
when are you going to get back to sport? Geez?
You know, like you'd see the broken lag and you'd
be done. It's the same again, it's the same thing.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
Yeah, social anxiety group environment, lots of people watching it's
it's a recipe for disaster, and no wonder they don't
want to go. So Indy said on her Round and
watch Katherine Kim back to Back for love it what
it's a happy, comfortable zone.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
And you know it's okay, Yes, it's okay, Sophie. It
reminds me of Kate Everett, who I mentioned before. So
she founded Dolly's Dream and its focus essentially really is
around bullying in schools and they've been doing a lot
of work. But her words have stayed with me, you know, forever,
(26:53):
and that was do what I mean. She lost Dolly,
she lost her so it Her words were do whatever
it takes. And I just feel like that's what you've done.
You did whatever it took to keep her here, you know,
And that's essentially like so yeah, you're saying, look, the
organizations are great, but sometimes it's not so great and
(27:16):
doesn't quite give you what you need to just do
whatever you take. That's what I'm even taking from you today,
you know exactly.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
And you know, even we lost my cousin lost her
daughter last year to suicide. Baggie was fifteen, and it
just you know, they did whatever it takes, but still
had no support from the system, you know, trying to
admit her to hospital, wouldn't admit her, you know, and
(27:45):
because the hospital asked these questions, the same questions for
every child, and they're smart, they know what to say
so they don't get admitted. But this is the thing,
you know, you just got to Yeah, I don't really
know what to say. That was just a tragic thing
to happen to our family, which gave me more fire
in my belly to keep going with this. Just just
(28:08):
let's just talk about it.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
So if you're one of the things we do on
the Women of Influence podcast is we get you to
finish a sentence, So you're going to need a word.
So thinking about yourself, So I'll say she is to
describe yourself. What would be your word to describe yourself? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Once?
Speaker 1 (28:30):
What was that?
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Sorry?
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Sparkly? Sparkly? I love it, I love it. Yeah, she
is sparkly. Yeah, And do you know what we can
feel that? I think we can feel that energy from you. Yeah, yeah,
I love that. I love that all right, So let's
give your website a plug. Where's the best where? Where
(28:52):
is the best place? We should tell you? I know
I've got you on Instagram as well. Please stay foundation.
But let's give this website a plug.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
So it's www dot please stay foundation dot com.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Fantastic. Hey, Sophie, you're a woman of influence. Now, I'm
pretty sure you were before you're on the podcast, but
On your knees, praying to anyone that will listen, please
keep my daughter earthside. This is a pain so real
it hits you in your very core. Sophie is a
single mum of two daughters, Indy sixteen and Violet fourteen.
In twenty seventeen, after months of panic attacks and school refusal,
Indy was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. In twenty eighteen,
(00:29):
this diagnosis escalated to severe social anxiety and clinical depression.
She moved schools where she had to start all over again,
and it seemed to help maybe with the anxiety, for
about six months, but then it got heightened and she
went downhill, very very fast. In twenty nineteen, the self
(00:49):
harming began, and then in March the suicide attempt started.
Fast forward to twenty twenty two and Sophie has started
the Please State Foundation. She is a woman of influence
and she joins us now. Sophie, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Thank you for having me. I'd be here.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I keep thinking about this on your knees, you know,
praying to keep my daughter earthside. And the reason why
I come to that is I had a friend. I
called her up one day and I said, oh, how
are you going? And they said, you know what, Kate,
at the moment, we're just trying to keep the mirth side.
And so that's always stayed with me, and I think,
(01:31):
you know, I've heard, yeah, yeah, I'm just trying to
keep my daughter, my son at Earth's side. And I
just keep thinking to be lying in bed at three
o'clock in the morning and hoping, you know, or having
to get up to check, you know, not wanting to
wake up and see that your daughter or your son
is not there would have to be, you know, the
(01:53):
most horrible state a parent could be, and you've lived it.
So tell us a little bit more about about leaving
through this.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Well, it's kind of it's almost impossible to recount how
it was and how it felt.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
But like you're saying, with the checking on them, I
just slept there.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
I did not leave her side for two years, basically,
so you can imagine a teenage girl with the mom
stuck to her. You know, it got a bit hairy,
but it was the only way that I could make
sure that she wouldn't keep trying to herself basically, and
(02:38):
you know, the times that she did were times that
I weren't there. With her, But it only takes us,
you know, a few minutes. And and yeah, if you're
not being there or you know, you think you cover
all your bases, you lock up the medication, you hide
the knives. Do you think you can do everything? But
(02:58):
then they where there's a will, there's a way. But
I'm one of the lucky ones.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
That you know, she's still here.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
With us, and I've learned from it, and I want
to help other parents.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Sophie, even hearing you explain that, no, I was there,
you know, like I didn't go to bed. I was
with her every moment that I could be. And then
I even imagine the anxiety of then and needing to
go away, having a doctor's appointment, doing some food shopping.
I mean, how how were you yourself? Like you must
(03:34):
have exhausted.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Well, it's kind of the exhaustion's hitting me now now
that you know I've come back down from the fight
and flight, the panic's gone. Well, I'm truly gone. So grateful,
but when you're in it, yeah, it's exhausting.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
But you just do it. You just do it, you know,
in this.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Little Sister Vile it was incredible, you know, but it's
still getting them to school and whatever. But it was, Yeah,
it's tough, it's almost impossible.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Your website, Please Stay Foundation is incredible, and I think
I was reading about how in some aspects, the aspects,
the system failed you in terms of you know, you
reported things to the teachers, and you went to the
principles and you move schools and tell us about that
system failure that you or the steps that you tried.
(04:32):
You tried and tried and tried, and then what it
looks like.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
So Indy started getting sick. It was noticeable around when
she was twelve years old. For me, you know, I'm
familiar with mental health and ill mental health, and she
was starting to show signs of it, you know, upset
tummy before school, not sleeping, not eating, not wanting to socialize,
(04:57):
dropping out of all of her activities.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
You know, you make them. You want to got to
go to ballet, you got to go to basketball, You've.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Got to go, you know, because so you think that
that's a good thing for them.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
But it was almost impossible for me to get well.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
It was. It became impossible. So we started that's when
the diagnosis started. We've got some therapy and stuff, but
she's very bright. Most of the kids that I've come
across are really super bright and super super sensitive. But
there is only one option. The only option is for
(05:31):
them to go to school until they're sixteen years old,
and that is the only that's the only thing that legally,
you know, they have to go to school.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
So I really.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Struggled with that with India because I knew she was smart,
and I knew she could read and write, and you know,
it was but she just needed a break from the pressure,
and I knew she'd catch up on any education that
she needed or just wait till you know, she found
something that she really loved and felt less pressure to perform.
(06:05):
So this, I just think it's a shame that there
is only that one option.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Do you think because of the pandemic with COVID and
now school's getting used to being online that you know,
hopefully this might be a change. I keep hoping that
there will be a change for kids that have whether
it's mental health or whether it's some other type of
(06:35):
reason why that they can't be in school, even if
it's not full time, but it's you know, a couple
of days a week, they get to still do everything online.
I mean, did you see that rolling out in the
school systems and think, you know, we need this, we
actually need this as an option at the time attached
to that motion.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
But look for some people, you know, it was fifty hit.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Yeah. I think some kids were you know, like, hallelu
pays an order. I can just do this from home,
in my own comfortable environment without all eyes on me,
and you know, but then others they really need that
social interaction.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
So it's you know, double edged sword really.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
But I mean we tried homeschooling as well, so I
had a stent of that with India.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
But you know, she just was in.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Such a state of anxiety and panic, fight and flight
that she just couldn't learn, She couldn't absorb, and the
more she tried, the more anxious she would get. So she,
in my opinion, she just needed a break. She just
needed a break. But we weren't given a break because
the school, even with the distance education this homeschooling, if
(07:55):
you don't turn up and if you don't do what
you're supposed to you the alarm bells go off and
the police come over. So you know, you get two
or three days without a doctor's certificate.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Even though I had.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
So I had letters from the doctor, the GP, the psychiatrist, psychologist,
social workers saying that she's at home with me and
save you know, and it's study of care. I understand,
but I don't know that there could be a little
bit of leeway there somewhere. So I just I just
(08:29):
got her in the car and drove to the country basically,
because it was just it was that or she was
going to die, like it was. I was.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Probably That's how desperate I was.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You literally did pack up home, didn't you and move
for more help or for the break? What was it?
Was it to access other people as well? Or was
it we need to circubrate this whole thing?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Yeah? Both.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
So we were lucky enough to get into a program
called Backtrack YouthWorks, so Bernie Shakeshaw from a pro grandma
in Armadale and my cousin her son went through it,
so we had a leg in luckily because the waiting
list is huge.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
But yeah, it's just kids go there that.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Have struggling, don't fit into the system, you know, maybe
in trouble with the police, or don't have their parents,
or just kids that don't fit in basically, and it's
life skills. It's welding, it's dog training, dog jumping, fencing.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Art, you know, just stuff. And if they don't want
to do it, then I don't have to.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
If they're having a bad day, they'll take them out
to the dogs and they'll just spend a day with
the dogs or the horses or it was. It's yes,
it was a circuit breaker, absolutely. I mean the transition
wasn't easy, you know, because it was we were living
in two towns, so I left Violet in Sydney with
(09:53):
her dad.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
But she's just amazing. The girls are amazing, both of
them now.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
But what did happen was Indy was able to finish
year nine, year ten and year eleven at Tafe in Armadale,
and so now she has that qualification, which is incredible,
but it was she did that when she was fifteen.
So I think that people need to know that that
(10:20):
is actually an option.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
And if it's not, they can have a break from
school for a little bit. But unfortunately the law doesn't
doesn't allow it.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
That's in concrete. Hey, Sophie, listening to the service the program,
that sounds like it's private too though, right, Like it's
like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a challenge
in itself for the everyday Aussie family that can't access
a private So did you know.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Resource I this, Yeah, there is.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
There is very little like this, but the power of
the country, of the open skies, and and you know,
you're just feeding the dirt. There's kids just need to
be grounded, and it's I was I was shocked. I
wasn't shocked, but I was almost mesmerized by how much
(11:18):
it changed her being. You know, it was I guess
maybe it's not for all kids, but I think that
it's really important to be able to be out in nature.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Going through this yourself with your daughter, How has it
changed you as a person.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
I look at kids differently now, a lot differently, and
I stick up for them a lot more, especially for teenagers.
Like teenagers have such a bad name. You know, if
anyone says, oh, my dad, my bloody teenager this, it's like, well,
I think we don't understand what they're going through, and
we don't sympathize. We don't empathize everyone's rush. But I
(12:02):
think we just need to give kids a break. What
if I learned I've learned to listen, I've learned to
listen to them and just ask really basic, beautiful questions,
and it's you can see them changing and opening up
to you when you just sit down with them. Might
take five minutes, might take a couple of hours, but
(12:24):
that's what I've learned that, Yeah, that we need to
talk more.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Do you mean when you say that, do you mean
the old fashioned sitting at the table and having meals
together talks or getting our car and having the chat
or or literally, no, we need to talk today, Sophie,
we need to sit seriously have a talk or check.
What do you mean when you say we need to
talk more? What does that look like more?
Speaker 2 (12:51):
There's a few meanings to it, I don't.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
I think kids sensitive kids, kids with you know, mental illness,
they really it almost scares them the thought of sitting
down and having a formal dinner or Okay, we have
to do this today, or I'm going to write you
a letter and tell you it's none of that. You
just have to see it and be with them until
(13:15):
they're ready, and then you just ask little just just
peck at it, you know, but definitely not this forced,
you know, like the therapy the last and kids.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Want to do at all is talk, but you know,
we force.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Them into therapy, which of course is valuable, but I
just think someone that they love and trust to just
ask them how their day was, or what do you
love doing? Or oh my god, look at that cloud?
Can you see the colors in it?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
You know, just really.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
And I said it, but basic questions, just to engage
them and just not put anything on them. But you
know what I mean, it's like, yeah, so if you listen,
but we also need to talk to each other. So
when I was in it, I had no access to
other parents that had been through what I went through.
(14:09):
When India was in the hospital, we had a parents thing,
but they just put their push papers, you get the line,
you know, the telephone numbers to Corbett. There was no
opportunity for me to talk to other parents or hear
their story because I needed to. It was like what
did you do when your daughter took an overdose?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Or what happened? How did you feel?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Or there's absolutely no platform for it. And we're still
scared to talk about suicide and self harm and because
people don't know what to say, but you've just got
to say it.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Yeah, And you know, throughout this podcast, we've had and
I think about Mary Guy Kate Everett, who was the
mother of Dolly, you know, and she started all these
dream all of them. You know, say the word, you know,
say the word suicide, talk about it openly and my
(15:10):
greatest lesson is around just actually checking in, you know,
like how how are you as it and then have
the time to stop and listen and engage and not
how I oh youh good, Thanks, every I'm in the rush.
Let's get going with on with life type things. So
you know, your friends and your family, how were you
(15:31):
and that's your court. I caught my breath when you
just said it pretty much as simple as saying how
is your day today? You know, and actually not not
what you do? Yeah, yeah, that's it, Like just how
is your day today? That's you know, and I hope
I guess for an answer that's not good. Yeah whatever,
(15:53):
here we go.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And we don't understand kids mental help as much as
we should. Yeah, And that's because we don't talk and
we're not asking questions, we're not engaging in each other's lives,
you know, with other parents with mental health. Like for
me to get access to one of the other moms
at school at my daughter's school, who I knew her
(16:18):
daughter was in trouble, in hospital with a tempted suicide.
I could not get access to her. The school wouldn't
give it to me, the hospital wouldn't And I'm just
I was desperate. It's like, how can this be that
there is no way of us connecting?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yeah, yeah, in a world that we're supposed to be
so connected, you know, pick up a phone and jump on.
So she was so connected. Yeah, I hear you.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
That's that's what I'd like to change.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
That's what I'm That's what I've started up as an
online group for parents' cares anyone really that's that's that
needs some help and advice and a bit of support.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Sophie. In part of getting you on for the podcast,
we want to talk about Please Stay Foundation, which is
really it feels like your next journey, your next giving back.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Yes, so what we do, essentially, what we do is
granting grant a wish for a child in the mental
health system, so someone that you know is either receiving
treatment or has been in hospital or and yes, one
(17:32):
of the wishes that I've granted is to have a
scar reduction treatment for self harm scars and also I
have a couple of tattoo artists that have offered their
time and services to do some cover up tattoos for
you know, people that want for kids that want their
scars covered up.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
But it's a tricky one. They're self harm. I mean,
should we ask them about it? You know, this is
the thing why we hesitant, why we have so now.
And that's in answer to your question before.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
That's what I've learned is don't if you want to
say something, don't just say it not you know, obviously
nothing rude.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
But you know, just let's just acknowledge it. And can
you imagine how these kids are feeling.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
How conscious they are of their scars, or how conscious
they are of what people are thinking.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
But if we tell them what we're thinking, then there's
no gray area, you know, does pile up on it?
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Like let's just say, oh god, babes, you must have
been to a bad place, but look where you are now.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
It's amazing.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
And just because these kids are twelve and thirteen, it
doesn't mean that they don't have their own feelings and emotions.
And they can't.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
It's they're not they're not validated till they're sixteen, legally
you can't have you know, it's like, this is what
you do, this is how you feel, and if you
do this, this is how we.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Should do it. You know.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
I was thrown under the bus in the system with
India when they wanted to send her to school. And
I've tried it four times. She's tried to kill herself
eight times. It's not going to work. And they said, well,
this is what we need to do and if you
don't go along with what we are suggesting prescribing, then
(19:31):
we'll have to discharge her. Yeah, it's like right, So
that's they're not listening to anyone.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
It's box ticking, it's by the book and it's not working.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
It needs to be we're visualized. Is that what you're thinking?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Like?
Speaker 1 (19:47):
It needs to be case by case. Here's the key
in front of us. What is much need?
Speaker 2 (19:53):
But it's almost impossible. I mean, can you imagine the
resources you need for that? It's and so that that's another.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Thing that I'm doing is helping fund helping families pay
for private mental health care because it's expensive. And I've
done it for two girls so far, which I'm very
proud of, and it helped significantly already, and private mental
health can be like a private psychologist or a psychiatrist.
(20:21):
But also the natural therapy is acupuncture, kinesiology. I've sent
a few a couple of girls for hair folical testing
to see if they've got heavy metals or the pyroles. Like,
there's a million things that aren't checked in hospital or
the doctor.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
In the publics, in a public kind of system. Is
that what you mean?
Speaker 3 (20:42):
Exactly exactly? So the holistic it needs to be a
holistic approach. And because these kids are so sensitive, they
respond so well to natural therapists. It's incredible. I've seen
it with my own kids, and I've seen it with
these two that I've been helping. It's just it's it's
(21:03):
really fantastic. So I really want to be able to
offer that to whoever I can.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
So, Okay, So the police stay foundation. This is your
way of kind of giving back and making changes where
you can. So what what do you need now? Like's
the what's the biggest thing that you need in terms
of how can we help you?
Speaker 3 (21:27):
Yeah, the biggest thing at this stage is I need donations.
I need funding, whether it's a private or philanthropic or
government grants. I'm in the process of a plot of
applying for a few grants.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I know the money is there and I.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Just need to find it. It's a worthwhile cause, and
it's just I've actually got a few people waiting for
some wishes that I can't grow at this stage. So yeah,
I really need to Well, because I'm a startup, I
(22:08):
need to get the word out.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
At the moment, the.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
People I'm helping are friends of friends of family of friends,
and I've already got you know, a good handful of those.
So imagine how many others there are out there that
I can help.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
So what do I need?
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I need sponsors or donations, corporate donations, but I also
need kids.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
I need you need to hear from kids that need
help yah.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Their parents or so.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
On the website, there's a portal that you can go
in and nominated child. So nominated child means just giving
me a name, the details and what the wish is like,
very generic one go to Disneyland, you know, or go
to Movie World or.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Anything all scarring repair airing, all the.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
Exactly and on top of that, we can it's not
just one wish.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
It would be the one wish, and then let's try
some holistic therapy for.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
You, you know, to do you know, just more ongoing treatment,
not just throw the money and run, you know. And
from that then we build the community of the parents
online and we can all join forces. And you know,
it's a big problem, but I think we can. I
(23:33):
think we can help quite a lot of kids and families.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
What does Indian Violet think of all this?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
I think is awesome. They're like, oh, Mom, that's so awesome.
You're going on a podcast, right, well done.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Mom, Yeah, well done.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I moved to the country.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
I'm in Dubbo now because India is studying at Dubbo
Western Plains Tronga Zoo here, so you know, we've moved
around a fair bit. But you know, that's another wish.
That's four thousand dollars. Luckily, you know, I had help
from my family. But to do stuff like that, it's
expensive and it's not accessible for no one. But it's
(24:21):
changed to life.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
She's amazing and she's here. You've fought for her to
keep her Earth signed Sophie. When you look back on
the last five years, I guess, and you meet a
parent that's right in the thick of it at their moment,
you know, say it's now. I mean, what advice, what
(24:43):
advice do you give to fellow parents that are perhaps
going through something similar with this illness.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
I tell them to call me, you know, just agree
to yeah, reach out, but it's not to reach out
to the services because yeah, and this is the problem.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
What do I tell them?
Speaker 3 (25:04):
Don't leave their side, and don't force them to do
anything they don't want to do. Just just stop making
them do what everybody sells else says they should do.
She has to go to school, or he has to
go to school, or he has to go to soccer.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Or why isn't he going swimming? And it'd be so
good for him.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
It's like, just don't listen to anyone, you know your child,
listen to anyone that's trying to tell you that what
is going against your gut.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Just go with your gut.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
If something's wrong and you feel it's wrong, just stick
by them. And there's always time to catch up on
sport and education and just sit down and watch.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Three weeks.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
You know what you just said sport and I just thought,
you know what again, it's that old adage, you know,
if they had a broaken leg and go hurry up,
when are you going to get back to sport? Geez?
You know, like you'd see the broken lag and you'd
be done. It's the same again, it's the same thing.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
Yeah, social anxiety group environment, lots of people watching it's
it's a recipe for disaster, and no wonder they don't
want to go. So Indy said on her Round and
watch Katherine Kim back to Back for love it what
it's a happy, comfortable zone.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
And you know it's okay, Yes, it's okay, Sophie. It
reminds me of Kate Everett, who I mentioned before. So
she founded Dolly's Dream and its focus essentially really is
around bullying in schools and they've been doing a lot
of work. But her words have stayed with me, you know, forever,
(26:53):
and that was do what I mean. She lost Dolly,
she lost her so it Her words were do whatever
it takes. And I just feel like that's what you've done.
You did whatever it took to keep her here, you know,
And that's essentially like so yeah, you're saying, look, the
organizations are great, but sometimes it's not so great and
(27:16):
doesn't quite give you what you need to just do
whatever you take. That's what I'm even taking from you today,
you know exactly.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
And you know, even we lost my cousin lost her
daughter last year to suicide. Baggie was fifteen, and it
just you know, they did whatever it takes, but still
had no support from the system, you know, trying to
admit her to hospital, wouldn't admit her, you know, and
(27:45):
because the hospital asked these questions, the same questions for
every child, and they're smart, they know what to say
so they don't get admitted. But this is the thing,
you know, you just got to Yeah, I don't really
know what to say. That was just a tragic thing
to happen to our family, which gave me more fire
in my belly to keep going with this. Just just
(28:08):
let's just talk about it.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
So if you're one of the things we do on
the Women of Influence podcast is we get you to
finish a sentence, So you're going to need a word.
So thinking about yourself, So I'll say she is to
describe yourself. What would be your word to describe yourself? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Once?
Speaker 1 (28:30):
What was that?
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Sorry?
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Sparkly? Sparkly? I love it, I love it. Yeah, she
is sparkly. Yeah, And do you know what we can
feel that? I think we can feel that energy from you. Yeah, yeah,
I love that. I love that all right, So let's
give your website a plug. Where's the best where? Where
(28:52):
is the best place? We should tell you? I know
I've got you on Instagram as well. Please stay foundation.
But let's give this website a plug.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
So it's www dot please stay foundation dot com.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Fantastic. Hey, Sophie, you're a woman of influence. Now, I'm
pretty sure you were before you're on the podcast, but
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