June 7, 2023 • 29 mins
We are all capable of being difficult, most of the time we learn from our mistakes and try to do better. But sometimes the difficult people around us, won'[t change, won't compromise, and living a life with them in it, is challenging.
Dr Rebecca Ray returns to The Wood Life to share her strategies of dealing with difficult people, and what we should do when we find ourselves being the difficult person.
Then, Sam dives into The Wood Life inbox, and sheds some light on building muscle, and fitting in intermittent fasting when your lifestyle isn't set up for it.
Have a question for Sam? Guest suggestion? Or some positive news to share? Submit it to The Wood Life Inbox HERE.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Good everyone, Sam here, Welcome to another episode of The
wood Life. The fact that I'm back in the studio
means we survived my beautiful daughter's eighteenth birthday party. And
we did actually survive. They were very well behaved. It
was a bit hectic there. We had about seventy eighteen
seventeen year old at our house till about one thirty
in the.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Morning, but no one vomited. It all went off without
a hitch.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
It is crazy to even think that ev is eighteen
and we're actually over the next few days changing her
name officially to Eve Wood, which it hasn't been until now,
which is a lovely little thing that we can now do.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
So very very special. She's a great little girl who
isn't a little girl anymore. She's a beautiful young woman.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
We are going to speak today not about having beautiful daughters,
but about having difficult people in our life and what
we do about it. We've got the incredible doctor Rebecca
back on the show. You may remember we had Beck
last year talking about self sabotage, a very popular episode.
She's backed by popular demand and she's up next on
(01:10):
The wood Life. I'm super excited to have doctor Beck
(01:33):
Ray back in the studio with us. Last time we
spoke to Beck, we spoke about self sabotage, had an
enormous amount of wonderful feedback from our wood Life family.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
We don't get just anyone back, Beck.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
We only get our superstar guests back, and you are
absolutely one of those. Thanks so much for joining us again.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
It's a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me back, Sam,
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Now I'm super excited because I've got your new baby
blue book sitting in front of me, which is titled
Difficult People Dealing with the bad Behavior of Difficult People. Now,
I'd love to know what some of the working titles
perhaps were.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Maybe some F.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Bombs in there, It might have been some interesting titles
being thrown around the whiteboard.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
But it's a wonderful title and.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
A wonderful thing to write about it, And this is
what I want your I'm not going to be the
expert on this subject by any stretch, but I was thinking,
how much better in my forties I am at dealing
with difficult people than I was in my twenties. You know,
I was a much more of a blamer. I took
things a lot more to heart. You know, I definitely
(02:41):
think the crazy sort of TV experience that I went
through seven years ago has given me much thicker skin
and really sort of accelerated my maturity in my way
of dealing with that. But what are the biggest challenges
that people face when they're dealing with difficult people? And
without giving all the secrets away to this one wonderful
book that I know many of our listeners will go
(03:02):
out and buy a copy, what are the tools that
we need at the ready, I guess to deal with
difficult people when it happens.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
Firstly, I just want to say that I bet you
are an expert on difficult people, because I think we
all are on some level, because we all have difficult
people in our lives. So one of the things that
we get used to is having people who are abrasive
around us that just make our lives difficult. And one
of the reasons this book exists is because after I
(03:33):
wrote Setting Boundaries, which you and I discussed when I
came on the show last year, I got so many
questions about people from much the same perspective as you, saying,
I feel like I've nailed my boundaries now, you know,
I feel like I've matured. I feel like I can
set boundaries. I feel like I can identify what my
values are, but they just don't work with this one person.
(03:56):
So what do I do now? You went on reality TV,
so we maxim much. I'm not sure, but we can
argue that the payoff was good. Right, But because you've
been on reality TV, I think we can raise your
expertise a level higher because you understand what it's like
(04:19):
to be I guess used as a production voodoo doll
to essentially drive stories. Right. I hope no network's listening
to this and obviously not thinking of hiring me from now.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
But across.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
You can see that I have strong feelings about reality TV,
but mainly because of what it does to participants. And
one of the things that can happen in our daily
life is we are living our own reality TV show.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Right.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
There is drama left, right and center that difficult people
bring into our lives that we didn't necessarily ask for.
You're in the place of a coach largely in your
daily life, and one of one of your traits, one
of the reasons that people come to you in the
first place, is because you're amazing at being able to
identify patterns, and you're especially amazing at being able to
(05:12):
identify patterns that don't work for people. So people are
coming to you because they're stuck, and they're stuck in it.
You're outside of it, which means you're able to identify
these cycles that they're in and show them how to
actually disentangle themselves from those cycles. The same thing happens
with difficult people is once we're in it, especially once
(05:33):
we're in a cycle with a difficult person, it's very
challenging to be in a relationship because and remove yourself
from it to be objective, because they do one thing,
you do another, and so what we end up in
is this cycle of triggering one another back and forth,
especially if the difficult person we're talking about is someone
(05:54):
that you can't just remove from your life. So what
we're talking about when we're talking about a difficult person
is someone who violates your psychological safety. That is, you
don't feel like you can speak up for your needs
around them, You don't speak feel like your rights are
respected around them. You feel like they constantly transgress your boundaries.
They will all over you, They doubt your reality and
(06:17):
gaslight you, they try to manipulate you for their own benefit,
and or they often end up in a state of
what psychologists call dysregulation, which just simply put is they
project their emotions all over you. They can't manage their
own stuff, and you end up bearing the brunt of that.
So that's the type of difficult person that we're talking
(06:39):
about in the book. I'm not talking about a dangerous person.
A dangerous person is someone who does those things to
a level of criminality, right, they violate your physical sexual safety.
And then I want you to think in terms of
the challenges that happen. What we're talking about is, first
and foremost, do you get the eg factor? So when
you think about experiencing the same space as this person,
(07:02):
it could be a boss, it could be could even
be a spouse. I hope not, but I'm sure there's
listeners that are listening to us right now thinking I'm
in a relationship with someone who does all those things
to me. So when you think about having to be
in the same space as this person, does it make
your stomach do a flip? Has this person behaved in
such a way over time that if you were sitting
(07:24):
in a conversation with Sam and I right now, you
could predict exactly what they're going to do because they've
done it so often. And do you feel this strong
need to either run in the opposite direction. Do you
feel a strong need to fight for yourself or do
you feel a strong need to shut down? Because if
that's all the things that you're experiencing, you're experiencing a
(07:47):
survival response, which we've spoken about before as the fight
flight freeze response. And then if it's more subtile than that,
because one of the things about difficult people, damn it,
is that sometimes they can be so good at manipuls
that it's very difficult to put words to what they
actually do. So that if you and I sat down
and said, okay, let's actually look at the problem, you
kind of all you can say is it just feels gross.
(08:09):
I just don't like it. And then you end up
in a cycle where you appease them, so you turn
yourself inside out and upside down to try to make them,
I guess, behave in a way that's a little more
comfortable for you. And we know that as a foreign
response or a people pleasing response.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
How often do you see that it's these better that
you have the conversation with and.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
You know, as a friend or a support or whatever
it might.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
But you're having the conversation with them over and over
and over again, and you're saying, how many times have
we had this conversation?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
You know, and they're like, oh, yeah, I know. But
and you can see.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
They're being manipulated, because it's just as it gets to
breaking point, the manipulator sort of realizes it and does
something nice or softens their stance, and all of a
sudden they get back to being all chummy.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
And you know, whether it's in.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
A relationship or a work relationship or free and you
just go, yeah, but that person hasn't changed. You know,
you're you know, they push you to the brink and
then they realize that they're about to lose you and
they don't love you, but they need you and they're
using you or whatever it might be, and then they
bring it back and this sc and it's very hard
sometimes if you're in it, like you say, to be
(09:20):
able to identify it. I think deep down we often
probably realize it's happening, but to actually admit that is
I don't know if it feels from a personal experience
much harder.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
To sort of get those words.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Out and then to rip the band aid off is
really hard. But the first thing you think is why
I did not.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Do this sooner?
Speaker 3 (09:38):
And I think that happens for two reasons. We stay
in these cycles for two reasons. One is low self worth.
So it's a real struggle to feel. For many people
who have been manipulated, put down, you know, taken advantage
of by difficult people over a long period of time,
it's really difficult for them to actually feel like they
are worthy enough to be able to speak up for
(10:00):
themselves and then make a different choice. I think the
second thing that we have difficulty with is believing in
ourselves to have enough agency to take action on a
new choice for our life. I think so often we
get so stuck in relational habits that we start to
assume that we need someone we're not okay by ourselves,
(10:22):
that there won't be another job out there. Now. That's
a complex one, because we're obviously living in the cost
of living crisis right now, and you know, you can't
just necessarily drop everything and go and get a new
job tomorrow if someone's being difficult at work. But I
do really think that to make changes in our life,
and that includes removing access to us that difficult people
(10:43):
have previously had, we need to have a sense of
agency about ourselves. We need to believe that we can
be the creators of our own lives.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, I mean, I'm rapped you said that because I
was about to say it makes so much sense when
we discuss it, So.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Why do we do it?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
And I was wondering if it was a I actually
thought it might be partially just this fear of conflict.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Oh, that too. I don't think we can disregard that
the fear of conflict though, I just think that fear
sits on the surface and below the fear is this
deep seated sense of unworthiness and a loss of agency,
which psychologists would call a learned helplessness, which you'd see
in all the work that you'd do as well, this
sense of I can't change, I don't have the power
(11:29):
to change, And a lot of difficult people actually take
away our sense of power. That's how they benefit in
the relationship. They make sure that we're constantly in a
state of disempowerment so that they can achieve whatever advantage
they're looking for, and then that leaves us thinking, well,
I don't have any other options. But as you said,
once you actually make that choice to break away or
(11:50):
to change the pattern between you and the difficult person,
you often sit there and think, my goodness, why didn't
I do that earlier.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Circles gotten a lot smaller as I've gotten older, you know,
I think, which I think is probably something that happens
to most of us. And I think part of it
has happened in the last seven years because my family
has taken.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Up, so not taken up.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
So he is the most important thing to me, and
therefore that's where my priority goes from a time perspective.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
And then, naturally, those.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
People that you used to see but not see that
often it's just really hard to stay in touch, and
often I often feel guilty about it, a little bit
like I've let them down, or there's been a bit
of a culling too. I think, naturally it means I've
probably got less of those people that I don't know,
perhaps my relationship with them upon retrospect wasn't as good
(12:39):
as I thought it was in the moment.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I would argue that it's probably it sounds like you're
describing that the relationship was seasonal rather than necessarily being
lower quality. I mean it's probably not. You're in a circle,
but some relationships are literally seasonal based on the time
in our life that we exist. It sounds like your
relationships have been come more aligned so that the people
(13:02):
around you are a closer fit, a closer fit to
your values and who you want to be.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, I mean, you know you here, always here, you
know where a reflection of the average of the five
people that we spend the most time with.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
And all of these things.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
And it's Yeah, you always wonder how much truth in that.
I think until you're experiencing at firsthand, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
That really is true. You know that there is so
much There is so much truth to that.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
So so we've spoken about the importance of identifying it.
We've spoken about then understanding that identification on a deeper
level to why it was happening in the first place.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
YEA, the middle in.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Dollar question, then what what what do we do about it?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I mean, what is the.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
What are your top three tips?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
That's problem? Well, our listeners do love a top three
or a top five. I'm not going to lie to
you about they do.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
It's it's simple, it's actionable, they can remember it. But yes,
are there common themes or useful tools or things? Is
there a starting point?
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Yes, let's narrow it down. The first thing is I
want listeners to understand that you can't deal with a
difficult person if you're being difficult yourself. Now, let's just
wrap that up in a cushion, because that sounded really
harsh and I didn't mean it to sound as harsh
as that. But essentially what I mean is difficult people
can trigger us badly, which means that that means we
(14:24):
can just throw a tantrum. We can end up in
a place where we're actually activating the situation or escalating
the situation through our own behavior because we've been hurt,
because we're lashing out, because we don't know what to
do next. So the first thing I want listeners to
do is to regulate themselves. Calm yourself down. Don't deal
with a difficult person when you're above six out of
(14:47):
ten in terms of if we're thinking about a stress meter,
where ten out of ten is the most stressed. Calm
yourself down, leave the situation, give yourself some breathing space,
think through what you're going to do. When we're talking
about self regulation, when we're talking about managing your own experience,
what I mean is just be aware that you don't
go into an interaction with your stress level so high
(15:10):
that you can't think straight and you end up making
the situation worse. Tip number two is all about access
to you, Okay, and the environment and whether or not
you have the chat is all part of access. So
step two with a difficult person is remember that you
can only control you, you can't control them. And if
you've been around this person long enough to know that
(15:33):
they're very unlikely to change. I'm talking about a parent,
I'm talking about a boss, especially when you've been working
for them, or obviously you've been the child for a
very long time, you have seen enough evidence that they're
very unlikely to change no matter what you do. Then
we need to have a conversation, as in us and
(15:55):
the listeners, around how long you're going to allow this
person to have access to you. Now, you have a
choice to remove that person from your life, and I
think it's really important we say that out loud. You
are an adult. You have a choice as to whether
or not another adult that makes your life difficult, stays
(16:15):
in your life in the long term.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
I'm so glad you said that, because I think a
lot of people think that that's that there's a lot
of options here, but that's just not one of them,
particularly if it's a child or you know, Yes, that
absolutely just feels like so extreme, Like yeah, but you're saying,
there are situations where that is the right answer, and
(16:37):
until you get to that solution, it won't fix.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
There are situations, there are relationships, there are interactions in
our life that are so psychologically unsafe where the person
shows no insight or awareness of their own behavior and
no willingness to change or repair the damage that they've done,
where it's the only answer if you want to protect yourself.
(17:02):
I'm not saying it's the first answer, but there are
some situations where it's the only answer if you want
to protect your own mental health and your own quality
of life. Really, now, removing access, though, doesn't necessarily mean
you're divorcing them. It doesn't mean that you're getting rid
of them from your life completely, but it can mean
that the way you interact with them changes. So you
(17:24):
might have someone in your life that you're close enough
to where you can do a coffee thing and have
a discussion about something hard. If you're going to do that,
my suggestion is that if it feels too overwhelming to
do a face to face coffee thing, you go for
a walk along the beach, you go for a drive.
Any situation where you can sit side by side and
(17:47):
not look at each other face to face. You can
still be in a presence together. You can still have
the conversation, but it becomes much easier because there's not
this intensity of looking at one another. It allows the
space around you to have some breathing room for you
to both express whatever it comes up without it being
(18:07):
experienced as an attack because it's face to face. Now.
The other thing is we can lower access to you,
especially if you're not willing to you can't leave the job,
or you're not willing to cut your parent off completely.
Whatever it is. You might say that face to face
is no longer an option, but we can talk on
the phone. If talking on the phone is not safe,
(18:28):
then it becomes texts. If texts are not safe, then
it can meet emails. If emails are not safe, then
it can be letters or cards. Once a year, you
don't necessarily need to cut them off completely, but you
can control the access to you so that you minimize
the harm.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
It's such a big call, isn't it. I mean, it's
a big call to do it, and it's a big
call to potentially not do it.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
You know, they both carry.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Potentially serious consequences and a serious change to your life.
You don't want to jump to an eleven too quickly,
and you don't want to not have the courage and
conviction to get to eleven if that's what the circumstance
of the situation requires.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
It really is.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Yeah, I mean, and I'm sure all of our listeners
are kind of thinking about relationships and difficult people in
their lives. And I mean, I guess this is why
you wrote a whole book about it, Beck, because it's
like the more questions you ask, the more questions you have.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
The book is big because there's a lot of things
I had to cover.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
I mean that one of sitting side by side, what
a simple way to slightly diffuse or potentially in a
large way to fuse the situation.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
I really like that one.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
It's also a way of reconnecting. It works really well
with teenagers. I know your daughter has just turned eighteen.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
God our driving lessons out, we have our best chats.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Yes, so it's perfect.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
And there's also nowhere else you can go. Yes, like
at teenagers at home. Everything they say to you, they
on their way out the door. Yeah, and then they're
gone upstairs.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Door slams privacy.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Now I can't talk too busy in the fifty minute
driving lest And that's it.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
You're in this beautiful little bubble.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
And it's it's so nice. I probably hadn't appreciated I had.
I had it was so nice.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
It did dawn on me how nice it was. It
didn't go unnoticed.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
But yeah, I'm actually really going to miss it because
guess what, when she's got to be he's taken me anywhere,
is going to be the furthest thing on our list.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Ever.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
There are mitigating factors. I just want to talk to
the listeners about quickly though, rather than it being you know,
cut them off or you know, reduce their access to you. Sometimes,
when you've got a difficult person in your life, if
you have enough supportive people around you that a psychologically
safe for you, and they're trustworthy and they get you
and they really see and understand you. That can mean
(20:52):
that dealing with the difficult person doesn't actually have the
huge effects that it otherwise would if you were if
you felt alone in the world. So I think it's
really worth speaking to for listeners the importance of making
sure that you really nurture you're inner circle that are
safe for you, because they're the ones that act as
(21:13):
a cushion around you against the rest of the world,
including the difficult people. You can manage a difficult person
in your life for a longer time if you need to,
if you don't want to cut them off altogether, if
you have healthy relationships that feed into your soul and
nourish you at the same time. It's much harder to
do if you give this difficult person all the power.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
I love that, and I think even as a friend,
that might not be the person who needs the circle,
but you might be a member of the circle. Yes,
keep your ears and eyes open to when someone is
potentially in that situation, and don't sit in silence. I've
had many conversations with friends who I know they've got
a difficult relationship and they're struggling to deal with it.
(21:56):
I've said to them, proactively, make just know that you know,
if that person's not in your life, you've got a
lot of people around you that love you, and you're
going to be okay, you know, and it's just they
probably don't know it sometimes.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Oh that's good to you.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Like it helps them have the courage to sort of
do something about it sometimes, and if they still don't
do something about it, it's just a nice reminder, I guess.
But you know, sometimes you are that person and you
might not be identifying yourself as that person.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I think this is such a beautiful example of healthy masculinity,
especially connections between men and hopefully your male friends as well,
where you can actually have those conversations because they're so
incredibly powerful. And I'm not saying this lightly, Sam, but
conversations like that save lives.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
You often find those things at all too late, don't you.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
For listeners, it's important for them to also understand that,
you know, as much as difficult people make you feel crappy,
difficult people come at the world feeling awful most of
the time, so the way they make you feel inside
is often a reflexion of how they themselves feel inside.
This is not an excuse for their behavior. I'm not
(23:06):
asking for you to forgive them and you know, kind
of step back and allow them full rain. I'm just
saying that these people have so often had histories that
they're damaging, and they are perpetuating that damage on other
people because they don't know how to do it any differently.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, that's so so true, and I think to actually
have a resource like this and to start having those
you know, perhaps difficult thoughts about those difficult people.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Is so so important. Becca. Can't thank you enough for
coming on the Woodlife.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
I think today would have been incredibly helpful for people,
but it's also going to want them leave them wanting more,
and they're going to get be able to get more
by getting your books. So I just repeated to everybody
it's called difficult people dealing with the bad behavior of
difficult people. It's by doctor Rebecca Ray, who have just
had the absolute pleasure of speaking to you for the
last half now, I bet thank you so much and
I can't wait to speak to you again soon.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Thank you so much for having me Sam.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
So, I don't know if you're like me, and you're
now sitting here, who do I have in my life
that I would classify as a difficult person.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Are they doing me harm?
Speaker 1 (24:21):
And what am I going to do about it? But
if you do, and if you are, I think it's
a good thing. I think it's good to bring these
things to the surface, not have our head in the sand.
And yeah, what a wonderful chat with a wonderful lady,
doctor Rebecca Ray. We're now going to open up the
(24:43):
Woodlife inbox and take some questions which we haven't done
for a little while. And I'm loving it because I'm
hearing from the fellas. A couple of questions from a
couple of guys have come through. We don't normally get
a lot of males calling in, and we're starting with Bill.
Speaker 4 (24:56):
Gooday, Sam, My name's Bill, and I have a question
about intermittent fasting. I know that you're still supposed to
have three square meals a day when you're trying it out,
but during my workday often find that I only get
one break time to really eat a substantial meal. So
my question is do you significantly hampy your progress by
combining two of those meals? In my case, I often
find myself eating breakfast follows straight by lunch. Otherwise I
(25:20):
don't usually get an opportunity to eat until dinner time,
So if you could help me out with that, that'll
be great. I love the podcast and thanks very much.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Great question, Bill.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
The short answer is to are you doing yourself any
harm by eating them together? No, you're still getting the
same amount of nutrients within an eight or ten hour window.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
You might be a little bit hungry.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I guess that's the I mean, that's the practical consequence,
and it's then if we get hungry, do we make
poor decisions. Now, if you're disciplined enough and strong enough
mentally that you can have brecky and lunch quickly follows it,
and then there's a pretty big gap until dinner, but
you're still getting all three of those quality square meals
(26:03):
as you explain them, in an eight to ten hour window,
then you are absolutely, by the letter of the law,
doing exactly what intermindent fasting is meant to do. Don't stress,
you're doing it absolutely perfectly. Keep going strong. Now we're
going to hear it from Alex.
Speaker 4 (26:20):
Hey, Sam, I gym five times a week and they
keep track of my protein intake, but I have a
very fast metabolism. Do you have any advice on how
to gain muscle mass.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
It's a really good question. I well, I used to
have a fast metabolism.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Sound a doubt it's slowed down a little bit anyway,
I digress, Alex, It's a really good question. There's a
number of factors into gaining muscle mass, of which getting
enough protein is just one. So we can't solely rely
on getting in our sort of two grams of protein
per body weight. So if you're ady klo person getting
in your one hundred and sixty grams of protein per day,
(26:56):
that's a great starting point. But the type of training
you're doing is just as important, if not more important,
And a big reason people stop gaining lean muscle or
don't gain lean muscle is they're not doing the right
type of training you need to be doing quality. You
(27:16):
said you're training five days a week, so I would
have a really good look at what type of training
you're doing. Are you getting the right volume in your
workouts as you are you lifting enough sets enough reps
to really break down those muscles so when they repair
they start to get bigger and stronger. Are you going
heavy enough in your sets? Is your split right? As in,
(27:38):
are you doing the right workouts for the right body
parts on the right days of the week, and then
giving each of those body parts enough recovery between workouts.
You know, if you're training full body every single day,
you're probably going to be quite toned and have good endurance,
but you'll struggle.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
To gain muscle.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Your muscles need to be worked to the brig and
then they need adequate recovery, of which consuming that protein
is one part and rest is another. If you're smashing
chest every single day, you're not going to give those
fibers in your chest, in those pecks enough time to
recover between workouts. So we look at intensity and volume
(28:20):
of workout. We look at the split or the recovery
between workouts of each particular body part, and then we
look at sleep, hydration and quality cabs and protein into
the body to refuel. If you're ticking all three of
those boxes, I promise you the increased muscle mass will
begin in a nice, consistent way.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Another episode done. I hope you've enjoyed it. I always
enjoy it as always.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Please send in any.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Questions you've got health and fitness related which I know
could be so broad, but don't think it's too broad.
We love these left of center questions. Coming in, and
I'll see you next week.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Cheers,
Good everyone, Sam here, Welcome to another episode of The
wood Life. The fact that I'm back in the studio
means we survived my beautiful daughter's eighteenth birthday party. And
we did actually survive. They were very well behaved. It
was a bit hectic there. We had about seventy eighteen
seventeen year old at our house till about one thirty
in the.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Morning, but no one vomited. It all went off without
a hitch.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
It is crazy to even think that ev is eighteen
and we're actually over the next few days changing her
name officially to Eve Wood, which it hasn't been until now,
which is a lovely little thing that we can now do.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
So very very special. She's a great little girl who
isn't a little girl anymore. She's a beautiful young woman.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
We are going to speak today not about having beautiful daughters,
but about having difficult people in our life and what
we do about it. We've got the incredible doctor Rebecca
back on the show. You may remember we had Beck
last year talking about self sabotage, a very popular episode.
She's backed by popular demand and she's up next on
(01:10):
The wood Life. I'm super excited to have doctor Beck
(01:33):
Ray back in the studio with us. Last time we
spoke to Beck, we spoke about self sabotage, had an
enormous amount of wonderful feedback from our wood Life family.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
We don't get just anyone back, Beck.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
We only get our superstar guests back, and you are
absolutely one of those. Thanks so much for joining us again.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
It's a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me back, Sam,
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Now I'm super excited because I've got your new baby
blue book sitting in front of me, which is titled
Difficult People Dealing with the bad Behavior of Difficult People. Now,
I'd love to know what some of the working titles
perhaps were.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Maybe some F.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Bombs in there, It might have been some interesting titles
being thrown around the whiteboard.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
But it's a wonderful title and.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
A wonderful thing to write about it, And this is
what I want your I'm not going to be the
expert on this subject by any stretch, but I was thinking,
how much better in my forties I am at dealing
with difficult people than I was in my twenties. You know,
I was a much more of a blamer. I took
things a lot more to heart. You know, I definitely
(02:41):
think the crazy sort of TV experience that I went
through seven years ago has given me much thicker skin
and really sort of accelerated my maturity in my way
of dealing with that. But what are the biggest challenges
that people face when they're dealing with difficult people? And
without giving all the secrets away to this one wonderful
book that I know many of our listeners will go
(03:02):
out and buy a copy, what are the tools that
we need at the ready, I guess to deal with
difficult people when it happens.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
Firstly, I just want to say that I bet you
are an expert on difficult people, because I think we
all are on some level, because we all have difficult
people in our lives. So one of the things that
we get used to is having people who are abrasive
around us that just make our lives difficult. And one
of the reasons this book exists is because after I
(03:33):
wrote Setting Boundaries, which you and I discussed when I
came on the show last year, I got so many
questions about people from much the same perspective as you, saying,
I feel like I've nailed my boundaries now, you know,
I feel like I've matured. I feel like I can
set boundaries. I feel like I can identify what my
values are, but they just don't work with this one person.
(03:56):
So what do I do now? You went on reality TV,
so we maxim much. I'm not sure, but we can
argue that the payoff was good. Right, But because you've
been on reality TV, I think we can raise your
expertise a level higher because you understand what it's like
(04:19):
to be I guess used as a production voodoo doll
to essentially drive stories. Right. I hope no network's listening
to this and obviously not thinking of hiring me from now.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
But across.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
You can see that I have strong feelings about reality TV,
but mainly because of what it does to participants. And
one of the things that can happen in our daily
life is we are living our own reality TV show.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Right.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
There is drama left, right and center that difficult people
bring into our lives that we didn't necessarily ask for.
You're in the place of a coach largely in your
daily life, and one of one of your traits, one
of the reasons that people come to you in the
first place, is because you're amazing at being able to
identify patterns, and you're especially amazing at being able to
(05:12):
identify patterns that don't work for people. So people are
coming to you because they're stuck, and they're stuck in it.
You're outside of it, which means you're able to identify
these cycles that they're in and show them how to
actually disentangle themselves from those cycles. The same thing happens
with difficult people is once we're in it, especially once
(05:33):
we're in a cycle with a difficult person, it's very
challenging to be in a relationship because and remove yourself
from it to be objective, because they do one thing,
you do another, and so what we end up in
is this cycle of triggering one another back and forth,
especially if the difficult person we're talking about is someone
(05:54):
that you can't just remove from your life. So what
we're talking about when we're talking about a difficult person
is someone who violates your psychological safety. That is, you
don't feel like you can speak up for your needs
around them, You don't speak feel like your rights are
respected around them. You feel like they constantly transgress your boundaries.
They will all over you, They doubt your reality and
(06:17):
gaslight you, they try to manipulate you for their own benefit,
and or they often end up in a state of
what psychologists call dysregulation, which just simply put is they
project their emotions all over you. They can't manage their
own stuff, and you end up bearing the brunt of that.
So that's the type of difficult person that we're talking
(06:39):
about in the book. I'm not talking about a dangerous person.
A dangerous person is someone who does those things to
a level of criminality, right, they violate your physical sexual safety.
And then I want you to think in terms of
the challenges that happen. What we're talking about is, first
and foremost, do you get the eg factor? So when
you think about experiencing the same space as this person,
(07:02):
it could be a boss, it could be could even
be a spouse. I hope not, but I'm sure there's
listeners that are listening to us right now thinking I'm
in a relationship with someone who does all those things
to me. So when you think about having to be
in the same space as this person, does it make
your stomach do a flip? Has this person behaved in
such a way over time that if you were sitting
(07:24):
in a conversation with Sam and I right now, you
could predict exactly what they're going to do because they've
done it so often. And do you feel this strong
need to either run in the opposite direction. Do you
feel a strong need to fight for yourself or do
you feel a strong need to shut down? Because if
that's all the things that you're experiencing, you're experiencing a
(07:47):
survival response, which we've spoken about before as the fight
flight freeze response. And then if it's more subtile than that,
because one of the things about difficult people, damn it,
is that sometimes they can be so good at manipuls
that it's very difficult to put words to what they
actually do. So that if you and I sat down
and said, okay, let's actually look at the problem, you
kind of all you can say is it just feels gross.
(08:09):
I just don't like it. And then you end up
in a cycle where you appease them, so you turn
yourself inside out and upside down to try to make them,
I guess, behave in a way that's a little more
comfortable for you. And we know that as a foreign
response or a people pleasing response.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
How often do you see that it's these better that
you have the conversation with and.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
You know, as a friend or a support or whatever
it might.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
But you're having the conversation with them over and over
and over again, and you're saying, how many times have
we had this conversation?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
You know, and they're like, oh, yeah, I know. But
and you can see.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
They're being manipulated, because it's just as it gets to
breaking point, the manipulator sort of realizes it and does
something nice or softens their stance, and all of a
sudden they get back to being all chummy.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
And you know, whether it's in.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
A relationship or a work relationship or free and you
just go, yeah, but that person hasn't changed. You know,
you're you know, they push you to the brink and
then they realize that they're about to lose you and
they don't love you, but they need you and they're
using you or whatever it might be, and then they
bring it back and this sc and it's very hard
sometimes if you're in it, like you say, to be
(09:20):
able to identify it. I think deep down we often
probably realize it's happening, but to actually admit that is
I don't know if it feels from a personal experience
much harder.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
To sort of get those words.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Out and then to rip the band aid off is
really hard. But the first thing you think is why
I did not.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Do this sooner?
Speaker 3 (09:38):
And I think that happens for two reasons. We stay
in these cycles for two reasons. One is low self worth.
So it's a real struggle to feel. For many people
who have been manipulated, put down, you know, taken advantage
of by difficult people over a long period of time,
it's really difficult for them to actually feel like they
are worthy enough to be able to speak up for
(10:00):
themselves and then make a different choice. I think the
second thing that we have difficulty with is believing in
ourselves to have enough agency to take action on a
new choice for our life. I think so often we
get so stuck in relational habits that we start to
assume that we need someone we're not okay by ourselves,
(10:22):
that there won't be another job out there. Now. That's
a complex one, because we're obviously living in the cost
of living crisis right now, and you know, you can't
just necessarily drop everything and go and get a new
job tomorrow if someone's being difficult at work. But I
do really think that to make changes in our life,
and that includes removing access to us that difficult people
(10:43):
have previously had, we need to have a sense of
agency about ourselves. We need to believe that we can
be the creators of our own lives.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, I mean, I'm rapped you said that because I
was about to say it makes so much sense when
we discuss it, So.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Why do we do it?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
And I was wondering if it was a I actually
thought it might be partially just this fear of conflict.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Oh, that too. I don't think we can disregard that
the fear of conflict though, I just think that fear
sits on the surface and below the fear is this
deep seated sense of unworthiness and a loss of agency,
which psychologists would call a learned helplessness, which you'd see
in all the work that you'd do as well, this
sense of I can't change, I don't have the power
(11:29):
to change, And a lot of difficult people actually take
away our sense of power. That's how they benefit in
the relationship. They make sure that we're constantly in a
state of disempowerment so that they can achieve whatever advantage
they're looking for, and then that leaves us thinking, well,
I don't have any other options. But as you said,
once you actually make that choice to break away or
(11:50):
to change the pattern between you and the difficult person,
you often sit there and think, my goodness, why didn't
I do that earlier.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Circles gotten a lot smaller as I've gotten older, you know,
I think, which I think is probably something that happens
to most of us. And I think part of it
has happened in the last seven years because my family
has taken.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Up, so not taken up.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
So he is the most important thing to me, and
therefore that's where my priority goes from a time perspective.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
And then, naturally, those.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
People that you used to see but not see that
often it's just really hard to stay in touch, and
often I often feel guilty about it, a little bit
like I've let them down, or there's been a bit
of a culling too. I think, naturally it means I've
probably got less of those people that I don't know,
perhaps my relationship with them upon retrospect wasn't as good
(12:39):
as I thought it was in the moment.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I would argue that it's probably it sounds like you're
describing that the relationship was seasonal rather than necessarily being
lower quality. I mean it's probably not. You're in a circle,
but some relationships are literally seasonal based on the time
in our life that we exist. It sounds like your
relationships have been come more aligned so that the people
(13:02):
around you are a closer fit, a closer fit to
your values and who you want to be.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, I mean, you know you here, always here, you
know where a reflection of the average of the five
people that we spend the most time with.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
And all of these things.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
And it's Yeah, you always wonder how much truth in that.
I think until you're experiencing at firsthand, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
That really is true. You know that there is so
much There is so much truth to that.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
So so we've spoken about the importance of identifying it.
We've spoken about then understanding that identification on a deeper
level to why it was happening in the first place.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
YEA, the middle in.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Dollar question, then what what what do we do about it?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I mean, what is the.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
What are your top three tips?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
That's problem? Well, our listeners do love a top three
or a top five. I'm not going to lie to
you about they do.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
It's it's simple, it's actionable, they can remember it. But yes,
are there common themes or useful tools or things? Is
there a starting point?
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Yes, let's narrow it down. The first thing is I
want listeners to understand that you can't deal with a
difficult person if you're being difficult yourself. Now, let's just
wrap that up in a cushion, because that sounded really
harsh and I didn't mean it to sound as harsh
as that. But essentially what I mean is difficult people
can trigger us badly, which means that that means we
(14:24):
can just throw a tantrum. We can end up in
a place where we're actually activating the situation or escalating
the situation through our own behavior because we've been hurt,
because we're lashing out, because we don't know what to
do next. So the first thing I want listeners to
do is to regulate themselves. Calm yourself down. Don't deal
with a difficult person when you're above six out of
(14:47):
ten in terms of if we're thinking about a stress meter,
where ten out of ten is the most stressed. Calm
yourself down, leave the situation, give yourself some breathing space,
think through what you're going to do. When we're talking
about self regulation, when we're talking about managing your own experience,
what I mean is just be aware that you don't
go into an interaction with your stress level so high
(15:10):
that you can't think straight and you end up making
the situation worse. Tip number two is all about access
to you, Okay, and the environment and whether or not
you have the chat is all part of access. So
step two with a difficult person is remember that you
can only control you, you can't control them. And if
you've been around this person long enough to know that
(15:33):
they're very unlikely to change. I'm talking about a parent,
I'm talking about a boss, especially when you've been working
for them, or obviously you've been the child for a
very long time, you have seen enough evidence that they're
very unlikely to change no matter what you do. Then
we need to have a conversation, as in us and
(15:55):
the listeners, around how long you're going to allow this
person to have access to you. Now, you have a
choice to remove that person from your life, and I
think it's really important we say that out loud. You
are an adult. You have a choice as to whether
or not another adult that makes your life difficult, stays
(16:15):
in your life in the long term.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
I'm so glad you said that, because I think a
lot of people think that that's that there's a lot
of options here, but that's just not one of them,
particularly if it's a child or you know, Yes, that
absolutely just feels like so extreme, Like yeah, but you're saying,
there are situations where that is the right answer, and
(16:37):
until you get to that solution, it won't fix.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
There are situations, there are relationships, there are interactions in
our life that are so psychologically unsafe where the person
shows no insight or awareness of their own behavior and
no willingness to change or repair the damage that they've done,
where it's the only answer if you want to protect yourself.
(17:02):
I'm not saying it's the first answer, but there are
some situations where it's the only answer if you want
to protect your own mental health and your own quality
of life. Really, now, removing access, though, doesn't necessarily mean
you're divorcing them. It doesn't mean that you're getting rid
of them from your life completely, but it can mean
that the way you interact with them changes. So you
(17:24):
might have someone in your life that you're close enough
to where you can do a coffee thing and have
a discussion about something hard. If you're going to do that,
my suggestion is that if it feels too overwhelming to
do a face to face coffee thing, you go for
a walk along the beach, you go for a drive.
Any situation where you can sit side by side and
(17:47):
not look at each other face to face. You can
still be in a presence together. You can still have
the conversation, but it becomes much easier because there's not
this intensity of looking at one another. It allows the
space around you to have some breathing room for you
to both express whatever it comes up without it being
(18:07):
experienced as an attack because it's face to face. Now.
The other thing is we can lower access to you,
especially if you're not willing to you can't leave the job,
or you're not willing to cut your parent off completely.
Whatever it is. You might say that face to face
is no longer an option, but we can talk on
the phone. If talking on the phone is not safe,
(18:28):
then it becomes texts. If texts are not safe, then
it can meet emails. If emails are not safe, then
it can be letters or cards. Once a year, you
don't necessarily need to cut them off completely, but you
can control the access to you so that you minimize
the harm.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
It's such a big call, isn't it. I mean, it's
a big call to do it, and it's a big
call to potentially not do it.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
You know, they both carry.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Potentially serious consequences and a serious change to your life.
You don't want to jump to an eleven too quickly,
and you don't want to not have the courage and
conviction to get to eleven if that's what the circumstance
of the situation requires.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
It really is.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Yeah, I mean, and I'm sure all of our listeners
are kind of thinking about relationships and difficult people in
their lives. And I mean, I guess this is why
you wrote a whole book about it, Beck, because it's
like the more questions you ask, the more questions you have.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
The book is big because there's a lot of things
I had to cover.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
I mean that one of sitting side by side, what
a simple way to slightly diffuse or potentially in a
large way to fuse the situation.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
I really like that one.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
It's also a way of reconnecting. It works really well
with teenagers. I know your daughter has just turned eighteen.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
God our driving lessons out, we have our best chats.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Yes, so it's perfect.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
And there's also nowhere else you can go. Yes, like
at teenagers at home. Everything they say to you, they
on their way out the door. Yeah, and then they're
gone upstairs.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Door slams privacy.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Now I can't talk too busy in the fifty minute
driving lest And that's it.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
You're in this beautiful little bubble.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
And it's it's so nice. I probably hadn't appreciated I had.
I had it was so nice.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
It did dawn on me how nice it was. It
didn't go unnoticed.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
But yeah, I'm actually really going to miss it because
guess what, when she's got to be he's taken me anywhere,
is going to be the furthest thing on our list.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Ever.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
There are mitigating factors. I just want to talk to
the listeners about quickly though, rather than it being you know,
cut them off or you know, reduce their access to you. Sometimes,
when you've got a difficult person in your life, if
you have enough supportive people around you that a psychologically
safe for you, and they're trustworthy and they get you
and they really see and understand you. That can mean
(20:52):
that dealing with the difficult person doesn't actually have the
huge effects that it otherwise would if you were if
you felt alone in the world. So I think it's
really worth speaking to for listeners the importance of making
sure that you really nurture you're inner circle that are
safe for you, because they're the ones that act as
(21:13):
a cushion around you against the rest of the world,
including the difficult people. You can manage a difficult person
in your life for a longer time if you need to,
if you don't want to cut them off altogether, if
you have healthy relationships that feed into your soul and
nourish you at the same time. It's much harder to
do if you give this difficult person all the power.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
I love that, and I think even as a friend,
that might not be the person who needs the circle,
but you might be a member of the circle. Yes,
keep your ears and eyes open to when someone is
potentially in that situation, and don't sit in silence. I've
had many conversations with friends who I know they've got
a difficult relationship and they're struggling to deal with it.
(21:56):
I've said to them, proactively, make just know that you know,
if that person's not in your life, you've got a
lot of people around you that love you, and you're
going to be okay, you know, and it's just they
probably don't know it sometimes.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Oh that's good to you.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Like it helps them have the courage to sort of
do something about it sometimes, and if they still don't
do something about it, it's just a nice reminder, I guess.
But you know, sometimes you are that person and you
might not be identifying yourself as that person.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I think this is such a beautiful example of healthy masculinity,
especially connections between men and hopefully your male friends as well,
where you can actually have those conversations because they're so
incredibly powerful. And I'm not saying this lightly, Sam, but
conversations like that save lives.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
You often find those things at all too late, don't you.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
For listeners, it's important for them to also understand that,
you know, as much as difficult people make you feel crappy,
difficult people come at the world feeling awful most of
the time, so the way they make you feel inside
is often a reflexion of how they themselves feel inside.
This is not an excuse for their behavior. I'm not
(23:06):
asking for you to forgive them and you know, kind
of step back and allow them full rain. I'm just
saying that these people have so often had histories that
they're damaging, and they are perpetuating that damage on other
people because they don't know how to do it any differently.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, that's so so true, and I think to actually
have a resource like this and to start having those
you know, perhaps difficult thoughts about those difficult people.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Is so so important. Becca. Can't thank you enough for
coming on the Woodlife.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
I think today would have been incredibly helpful for people,
but it's also going to want them leave them wanting more,
and they're going to get be able to get more
by getting your books. So I just repeated to everybody
it's called difficult people dealing with the bad behavior of
difficult people. It's by doctor Rebecca Ray, who have just
had the absolute pleasure of speaking to you for the
last half now, I bet thank you so much and
I can't wait to speak to you again soon.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Thank you so much for having me Sam.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
So, I don't know if you're like me, and you're
now sitting here, who do I have in my life
that I would classify as a difficult person.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Are they doing me harm?
Speaker 1 (24:21):
And what am I going to do about it? But
if you do, and if you are, I think it's
a good thing. I think it's good to bring these
things to the surface, not have our head in the sand.
And yeah, what a wonderful chat with a wonderful lady,
doctor Rebecca Ray. We're now going to open up the
(24:43):
Woodlife inbox and take some questions which we haven't done
for a little while. And I'm loving it because I'm
hearing from the fellas. A couple of questions from a
couple of guys have come through. We don't normally get
a lot of males calling in, and we're starting with Bill.
Speaker 4 (24:56):
Gooday, Sam, My name's Bill, and I have a question
about intermittent fasting. I know that you're still supposed to
have three square meals a day when you're trying it out,
but during my workday often find that I only get
one break time to really eat a substantial meal. So
my question is do you significantly hampy your progress by
combining two of those meals? In my case, I often
find myself eating breakfast follows straight by lunch. Otherwise I
(25:20):
don't usually get an opportunity to eat until dinner time,
So if you could help me out with that, that'll
be great. I love the podcast and thanks very much.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Great question, Bill.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
The short answer is to are you doing yourself any
harm by eating them together? No, you're still getting the
same amount of nutrients within an eight or ten hour window.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
You might be a little bit hungry.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I guess that's the I mean, that's the practical consequence,
and it's then if we get hungry, do we make
poor decisions. Now, if you're disciplined enough and strong enough
mentally that you can have brecky and lunch quickly follows it,
and then there's a pretty big gap until dinner, but
you're still getting all three of those quality square meals
(26:03):
as you explain them, in an eight to ten hour window,
then you are absolutely, by the letter of the law,
doing exactly what intermindent fasting is meant to do. Don't stress,
you're doing it absolutely perfectly. Keep going strong. Now we're
going to hear it from Alex.
Speaker 4 (26:20):
Hey, Sam, I gym five times a week and they
keep track of my protein intake, but I have a
very fast metabolism. Do you have any advice on how
to gain muscle mass.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
It's a really good question. I well, I used to
have a fast metabolism.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Sound a doubt it's slowed down a little bit anyway,
I digress, Alex, It's a really good question. There's a
number of factors into gaining muscle mass, of which getting
enough protein is just one. So we can't solely rely
on getting in our sort of two grams of protein
per body weight. So if you're ady klo person getting
in your one hundred and sixty grams of protein per day,
(26:56):
that's a great starting point. But the type of training
you're doing is just as important, if not more important,
And a big reason people stop gaining lean muscle or
don't gain lean muscle is they're not doing the right
type of training you need to be doing quality. You
(27:16):
said you're training five days a week, so I would
have a really good look at what type of training
you're doing. Are you getting the right volume in your
workouts as you are you lifting enough sets enough reps
to really break down those muscles so when they repair
they start to get bigger and stronger. Are you going
heavy enough in your sets? Is your split right? As in,
(27:38):
are you doing the right workouts for the right body
parts on the right days of the week, and then
giving each of those body parts enough recovery between workouts.
You know, if you're training full body every single day,
you're probably going to be quite toned and have good endurance,
but you'll struggle.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
To gain muscle.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Your muscles need to be worked to the brig and
then they need adequate recovery, of which consuming that protein
is one part and rest is another. If you're smashing
chest every single day, you're not going to give those
fibers in your chest, in those pecks enough time to
recover between workouts. So we look at intensity and volume
(28:20):
of workout. We look at the split or the recovery
between workouts of each particular body part, and then we
look at sleep, hydration and quality cabs and protein into
the body to refuel. If you're ticking all three of
those boxes, I promise you the increased muscle mass will
begin in a nice, consistent way.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Another episode done. I hope you've enjoyed it. I always
enjoy it as always.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Please send in any.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Questions you've got health and fitness related which I know
could be so broad, but don't think it's too broad.
We love these left of center questions. Coming in, and
I'll see you next week.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Cheers,
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