The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week, we chug along the tracks at breakneck speeds in the company of Mr. Boom Boom Chubby Choo Choo as we take a look at Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; the locomotive sequel of a nautical Die Hard ripoff. For pure entertainment value, and the villains alone, this is worth watching. Steven Seagal’s performance, on the other hand, meh…

Let’s get into it, shall we! 

Tall and tubby trooper takes teen on a train taken by terr...

This week, we get into Jaws: The Revenge; a film that does in the impossible by using slasher tropes with a fucking shark. We were waiting for the scene when the girl gets the phone call asking her what her favorite scary movie is, but only before a soaking wet apex predator comes barreling out of the closet wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete. Sadly, that would have been a better beat than what we just witnessed, so of cou...

Get ready to have your Sandler Slot ™ rattled, because it’s time to talk about a pickle-eating shoe man in the form of The Cobbler! The Cobbler? More like The SANDLE-er. Adam Sandler! 23 seasons in, and we’re still somehow alive. 

Also… big shoutout to Slowdrip for suggesting that we watch this one. We’re all worse off for it, so thank you for knowing how to play the game. 

Alliterations! 

Shoe shiner and slip on surfacer ...

This week, we get into Goodfellas for some coke blowing, titty slapping, Pesci whacking fun. Good movie week? Great movie week! We all love this one, but there is one GLARING problem in the opening act that will make you reconsider some things... or WILL they? Who are we to say? We’re just a few guys asking questions. 

Here we go!

Gangster goings on and gangs grifting goods, gaining growing gangster ground! Getting heavy on t...

Imagine this scenario: A new Neil Breen joint drops, and you beg your mom to take you, and she tells you, “We have Neil Breen at home,” before firing up A Talking Cat?! on streaming. That’s exactly what this movie is. But for some reason it’s not without charm; come for the talking cat, but maybe stick around for a while, throw your feet up on the ottoman while you’re working on coding, and wolf down a couple trays full of cheese p...

Boy, oh boy… this week, we get into Timecut, A.K.A. Rob’s “Rosebud.” This sci-fi slasher is a turd of the highest order, rife with time-travel inspired junk science, the worst kind of nostalgia baiting, and frequent trips to Olive Garden to let audiences know that Olive Garden is, in fact, a real restaurant that you can help shareholders earn money with if you get the chicken alfredo and cheesecake with extra strawberries. They mus...

Hold up… it’s still bad movie week isn’t it? Then why in the name of John Woo’s BUTTHOLE are we buring 90 minutes of sweet, sweet podcast runtime talking about Face/Off? 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, Chris. What the hell?!

There's a lot to talk about because this movie is an insane time capsule that perfectly articulates the height of ‘90s action movie excess. It’s illogical, but who cares? It’s overacted in a way that’s both operatic an...

Last season, “Life On the Line” won the title of Worst Movie ™, and it’s thanks to the star-studded collaboration between John Travolta and Devon Sawa working as linemen (LINEMEN!). This season, we bring Fred Durst into the mix (again, kinda) with The Fanatic; also starring John Travolta and Devon Sawa but they hardly do any line work at all! 

Let’s fucking gooooo! 

A fan of a famous film fellow and a friendly female photogra...

This week we talk about John Carter! The movie that didn’t have Jared Leto but so desperately wanted to (it would have sucked anyway). It seems like a copycat movie, but that’s an anachronistic take once we get into the nitty gritty, so let’s do it! 

Yelling! 

Giants, Deja, and Jeddaks join John on a Jihad, journeying to a juggernaut of jousting javelins, just so Johnny can jangle his jewel! Alien animal cruelty! Jumpin’ John...

Paul Bart: Mall Cop! Wow, what a movie! 

Here we go. 

Fat fella flunks a field test final, forcing the flabby fatso to fend off foes at a food court, flingin the fleshy full-figured fucker, fracturing fixtures and frontage. Preeminent pipe logic problems! Boomer humor for the lazy consumer! Poking fun at single parent passed on by pudgy expat! Porky pranks for the entire picture! Sandler’s just-competent-enough Farley Surroga...

This week, we take over the HOV lane with Carpool; the family comedy that wants so badly to be edgy, but ultimately fails because it’s trying to capture the minds and hearts of a younger audience. The end result is a movie that’s got really great pacing and sense of cause and effect, but has just a little too much Tom Arnold for comfort. 

Here we go! 

Clingy carny criminal cajacks and kidnaps kids, is caught by a Karen cop, a...

This week, we take a bite out of Munchie; Gremlins' very own B-movie version of Mac and Me. This also marks our 200th episode. We celebrate by hitting rock bottom, and we plan to sink even lower in the coming weeks!

Here we go! 

Double Doms on the pod! A garbage Gremlins and Ghoulies grift where Gage gallavants with a geezer, a girl, and a greasy grotesque gargoyle, getting even with grungry guys, his guardian’s gullible ...

Baby Geniuses. We have nothing to say about this in the writeup aside from our yelling and alliterations. Total dogshit. What a bullshit way to start Season 22! Don’t watch this movie. Listen to this episode though, it rules! 

Babies who are barely babies bewilder buffoon behaviorists, break out of the bio lab, only to break back in and bonk baby bashing bastards with a brawling baby bot. DeLuise’s lug nuts! Pee-oopie bottoms ba...

Good movie week, thank god! Though you could argue that last week’s Y2K episode was an honorary good movie week because Rob said so. Anyhow, this week we’re talking about Leon: The Professional. It’s sentimental. It’s action packed. And our titular character drinks SO. MUCH. MILK. 

Time to yell:

A hermit hitman who’s helpful and humble is hired by a hopeful half-pint to harm the hostile, heartless, and hypocritical henchmen w...

This week we take a look at Y2K, the poignant historical fiction of our time that accurately encapsulates the fallout of our first robot uprising. We know this is the end of our “bad movie” season before doing a good movie next week, but we (read: Rob) will argue in this movie’s favor for being such an explosive exploration of retro-futuristic tech, teen romance, and our lord and savior, Fred Durst. 

Did you think this movie suc...

This week, we put our lives on the line while reviewing Life on the Line; a movie about life on the line, where the line between the life off the line and the life off the line is constantly on the line… for life. That’s a really convoluted way to say a whole bunch of nothing, which is fitting for a movie of this caliber. 

Yelling: 

Linemen labor on the line living lives within a lethal landscape, and lap up lots of liquor li...

This week, we get into Universal Soldier. Is it an action comedy, or a comedy with action? How long does it take for Jean-Claude Van Damme to expose his perfectly chiseled ass? Is this basically a Terminator knockoff? 

Listen along as we unpack the above questions.

Zombie Zealots zip, zigzag, and zero in on a zippy jezebel and another zombie at his zenith! Huey kablooey! Talent taping television pre-termination! Asking 80s ac...

This week, we get into Unhinged, or as we like to call it, “Falling Brown”... like the Michael Douglas movie, but with “brown” meaning poop. They really thought they had something like this one with their whole “man is pushed too far” thing, but in order for that to work, the characters need to be written as likeable. 

BUMMER!

Rotund and reckless Russell road-rages ruthlessly rather than reflecting, then rejecting the rules a...

This week, we collectively yell “FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!” as we try to make sense of 1993’s Deadfall, prominently featuring the man, the myth, the legend, Nicolas Cage. Wow, what a movie. 

Just watch it, it’s worth your time. 

Cage can’t contain chaotic yet carefree characteristics while cunning cons continue conning competing cons! Craving columbian cocoa crop kibbles! Chuck Sheen! Deep fat frying your former friend’s face! Eddie...