How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t w/ Chris Tondevold

Episode Transcript
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Theme Song (00:05):
Therapy Roulette Consent to Vent / Trauma
disguised as comedy / TherapyRoulette: Consent to Vent / If
you dont have problems, thenyoure likely repressing sh*t
and you should find a therapist/ (Whos not me)

Michele Baci (00:20):
Hey, welcome back to Therapy Roulette, where I
give you consent to vent. Myname is Michele Baci, and a
little tidbit from my liferecently, I actually went to a
huge stand up show huge. Outhere in LA, I saw one of the
biggest people right now JoeRogan, per my boyfriend's

(00:44):
request. He is a big Roganfanatic. I am, you know, I'm not
a fanatic of Rogan. I'velistened to a handful of his
podcast episodes moreso A fewyears ago, haven't listened to a
lot. lately. Since I've starteddating my boyfriend, I hear most
of the episodes just like bitsand pieces because he plays them

(01:07):
out loud, or he has them on theAlexa speakers plane. So I feel
like I dip in and out ofwhatever Joe Rogan is doing. And
then I hear about his littlecircle of people through the
other things that my boyfriendlistens to. But I do
occasionally listen to the JoeRogan experience myself. And

(01:28):
sometimes my boyfriend willpoint out an episode He's like,
I think you should listen tothis one it's from. It's usually
the ones that Joseph wants me tolisten to. They're usually by a
scientist, a nutritionist, or atotal
normal quote unquote person whohad like an alien experience.

(01:51):
It's totally all over the map.
He never really says listen tothis one with a comedian. He
usually says listen to this onewith a total weirdo or a total
intellectual scientists. BecauseI guess I don't really get that
anywhere else, only on the JoeRogan experience. But we went to
go see him live. We went with acouple friends or friends who
are a married couple. And it wasjust really nice to go out and

(02:14):
do something. First of all, itwas almost like nostalgic and
heartbreaking that we werefinally going to a show like
I've been to one other big standup show recently. I want to see
Taylor Tomlinson, which isawesome. But that was that. I
think it was the Irvine improvor somewhere near near us in

(02:39):
Long Beach. And it wasn't like ahuge show. It's more like medium
size. This Joe Rogan shows atthe forum in Los Angeles. And it
was huge. Like I've seen fishplay there. So you can cater to
the biggest crowd imaginable.
I'm sure it's like the LAversion of Madison Square

(03:00):
Garden. But it was just reallycool to actually go do an
exciting thing, because wehaven't done that and so long.
The show itself was good. Youknow, I would say it was good.
It's not my go to comedy style,like I'm never going to relate
to Joe Rogan. Michelle Bochy,Joe Rogan, two different people.

(03:25):
He's a dude in his 50s. He has atotally different lifestyle,
totally different perspectivethan I do. However, I think he
put on a funny show, I wasentertained. I laughed a lot.
And I also felt safe at thisgiant show, because they
required vaccination proof. Eventhough Rogen, I'm pretty sure

(03:47):
it's not vaccinated. I don'tknow if they're enforcing that
amongst the staff, there stilldoubt their enforcement among
their performers, but the crowdwas supposed to be vaccinated.
So just the fact that they weretrying to enforce vaccination
proof and the fact that theywere trying to maintain like,
relatively COVID safeprocedures, I felt safe the

(04:09):
whole time, I kept my mask onfor most of the show. You know,
I tried to get a few drinks inbefore the show. And then during
the show, I was just like, maskon, still laughing through the
mask. And I felt good, you know,I can understand why people are
hesitant to get back into theworld. But for me, I'm trying to
dip my toes back in, go outevery once in a while I'll do my

(04:32):
my old normal routine ofentertainment and hanging out
with friends and doing stand upmyself, trying to integrate that
in bits and pieces just so I canfeel more like myself. And as
long as I feel safe doing it. Ithink it's fine. I know that
COVID still around and we havethe Delta variant and people

(04:53):
have breakthrough cases.
Obviously, none of us are safe.
We're all in danger. But I'mtrying to get more comfortable
doing I guess. Anyway, I wantedto bring this up because I never
would have chosen to go see JoeRogan live. I only went because
Joseph, my boyfriend is a hugefan. And I'm, I was like a

(05:18):
little hesitant about goingbecause I was like Joe Rogan?
Well, I like it. I don't know, Ikind of feel a little lukewarm
about his podcast. Sometimeshe's also just a very assertive
personality. And that doesn'talways jive with me. But I had a
great time. And I really enjoyedthe show. And I am proud of Joe
Rogan, I think he puts on a goodshow. I think he has a pretty

(05:40):
varied point of view. And hetries to be inquisitive, because
he brought up like, he broughtup a lot of controversial things
about himself during the actlike he brought up. The
internet's pretty hard on him.
And he brought up a few thingsthat the internet has said about
him in recent years. And hedidn't exactly challenge them.

(06:01):
It's more like he was thinkingabout them on stage. And I like
that he can face his opponentsor his enemies, publicly, like
he publicly admits that he'swrong, or that he should have
done things differently prettyoften, for such a big celebrity,

(06:21):
you know, I don't know, he's notall bad, I think. I think social
media and critics give them abad rap. I know my Twitter feed
is a lot of feminists andpeople like me, who tend to
critique men pretty hard. So myTwitter feed doesn't like Joe

(06:43):
Rogan. But I'm here to say, givethem a chance, give the man a
chance, they have something tooffer. And it was just really
cool to go with my boyfriend andsee him have such a good time.
Like I think I'm the planner inthe relationship. So I'm usually
like, we should go do this. Weshould go, you know, hang out
with these people or make thisevent happen. And I tried to

(07:05):
plan things and make themhappen. Joseph doesn't always do
that. He impulsively gets us todo things sometimes
spontaneously, but it was niceto actually have a plan with him
and see his friends and go dosomething that you know, my
partner wants to do instead ofjust something only I want to

(07:26):
do. It was good to switch rolesin that way. This episode, we
have a pretty serious discussionabout depression, sobriety
trigger warning we do bring upsuicide. So if you're not cool
with that, maybe don't listen tothis one. But overall, it's a

(07:46):
pretty hopeful, motivating anddare I say it inspiring story.
Our guest is a fellow podcasterhe hosts the podcast ambition
radio. I'd like to welcome ChrisTondevold

Theme Song (08:04):
guest interview / a friend for you / strangers whose
issues are relatable / guestinterview / They're the voice
that's new / this person hasproblems and they don't mind
discussing it, but they stillneed a therapist / (Whos not me)

Welcome back to Therapy Roulette. My name is
Michele Baci, and today we'rejoined with Chris Tondevold he
is the host of Ambition RadioPodcast, Chris, welcome to the
show.

Chris Tondevold (08:29):
Thank you for having me. Of course. It's

a pleasure. How is how's your current mood?
Anything intense right now? orHow you feeling?

Oh, I feel all right. Um, I was actually on a
another call earlier today thatI met new people, which was
cool.

busy.

You busy busy people? Yep. So yeah, I mean, I
feel good. It's been. It's myfirst full week back at work
after recovering from backsurgery. So it's been a very
physically drainingweek to say the least.

How much time did you get off to recover?

Oh, almost almost three months? It was.

Oh, that's good.

Just about two and a half, almost three months.
Yeah. The crappy thing about allof it? Is that my back supposed
to feel better, but now I can'tsit down. It'll just hurt the
entire time.

Are you sitting now? No.

I'm standing. I got a little standing desk. And
all my chairs at work are theselike hard wooden chairs and
they're just terrible. Oh, no.
Yeah, I'm constantly going upand down, up and down. And it is
a though the worst part aboutthe whole thing. Everything else
feels fine. I can stand walk.
Cool. No problem.

Yeah, but that's a hard adjustment to not be able
to sit.

Yeah, yeah, I could sit before surgery. So
what that means now,

did they say that's gonna get better

uh, they hope So because it was so like low
down into the the back, there'sjust so much pressure that gets
put in to that area. So it's theL five s one. And they normally
do them a little bit higher up,which doesn't cause as much
pressure, but I got screws andsome bone views in in there. And

(10:22):
wow, I'm doing some work. Sothey say about two years for the
full fusion to where I'll feellike a almost bionic

maybe. Is that the name of the surgery l five s
one.

Oh, I'm sorry.
So the in your spine you haveeach each bone is an L or an S.
So the ones up,

not a doctor.

The ones the ones that are near the top are
ELLs, and then it goes indescending order, I think. And
then the ones that are near theesses are like towards your
tailbone. So mine rest rightaround that hip, pelvis area. So
it's literally like any kind ofsitting motion were sitting

(11:13):
motion. But like any kind ofangle where I'm almost 90
degrees sitting on my butt.
That's where all the pressuregoes. Because it's pretty much
right inside that that pelvisarea for it. So all of my upper
body just goes right to put somesome nice pressure

cuts a long recovery time. I wish you the
best through that process.

Thank you.
Thank you, I got easy. No, I gothit in 2015 and 2017. So I've
been dealing with a bulging discin my back for like six years
now. So hopefully this will fixit.

You got hit how

I got rear ended both times. So the first
one I got rear ended and thenpushed into the vehicle in front
of me. And then the other one,this big yellow Dodge Ram just
could not stop. So he just tookme pushed me right into almost
the intersection. And my God.
Yeah, it was. It was wild. Sothe the chronic pain of it all.

(12:13):
And this is in

Maryland? Yes.
Wow. I did not know they werethat aggressive in Maryland.

They're terrible drivers. They're not
good. Most of the MarylandVirginia and DC area suck. The
the road I was on is like a 35or 45. But everybody usually
goes 55 at least. So that's partof the problem. And then people

(12:43):
don't know how to make decisionsor use turn signals. So they go
in and out.

Yeah, we have that problem in LA but I don't know
so far. I've been lucky knock onwood, but I've seen a lot of
horror on the streets or on thestreets. I like that. Yeah.
Well, good luck with yourrecovery. We could switch gears
and talk about mental health.
Are you in therapy for yourmind? Or have you done in the
past?

Yes. So the beginning of this year, late
last year? I I was pretty muchdone with with feeling like shit
all the time. I

get to come to that conclusion.

Yeah, yeah. I was just real sad and like just
crying randomly, at justwhatever was around me. And I
was just like, this is probablynot healthy.

Yeah, like a gust of wind or something. Yeah,
yeah.

Or like a feather or something just
floating. It was a lot. It wasit was weird. It was just a lot
of like TV shows that I waswatching and then all of a
sudden, it'll just be like,well, I'm sad now.

Oh, no.

I so there was the the thing that happened to
me like the beginning ofquarantine to that kind of
spirals into all this was I hadto put my dog down right at the
beginning of quarantine lastyear for COVID.

That sucks. I'm sorry.

Thank you. It's It was a lot. And that was my
first dog as an adult that likeI was responsible for so there's
I've been dealing with probablydepression for a while but there
was just that breaking point forthat and then just trying to go
throughout the rest of the yearwith it. And then it was just
like well, all the tears arehappening. So I'm going to go to

(14:30):
the doctor and get getWellbutrin for that and then
started seeing therapists inJanuary for the first time. So
it's been it's been interesting.
I've been through two of them sofar.

So did they put you on meds right away before
you saw someone to talk to you?

Yeah, they put me on meds right away. Because
the the questionnaire that Iguess you fill out for like
depression or anxiety orwhatever. I got like a really
low score on They were justlike, well, we'll try to fix it
now, because we need to.

Are you okay with that? Was that something you
would thought about? Like youwant us to go on
antidepressants?

Yeah, cuz like a lot of my friends have been on
them throughout the years, andwe were able to kind of like
talk about it a little bit morenow, especially that it's
slightly more normalized. But weall, especially last year, like,
there was just so many peoplethat were coming to head with
their, their mental health. So Iwas cool. There wasn't a stigma

(15:34):
or anything with with thedannette presence. If it was
just, it was gonna make me feelbetter. I'm golden. So we'll
try. I've been taking all sortsof meds since I've been a kid.
So they work for the most part.
So let's give it a shot.

Yeah. And then when you started talking to
someone was that additionallyhelpful?

Kind of the, the first therapist that I saw
was, she's she was been atherapist for like, 50 or 60
years.

Okay, so she's deep in her career. Yeah. And

there's a big generational gap. And then there
is she, she didn't bear it downtoo hard. But the she was very
much a Christian faith. And itkind of coalesced with some of
the things that she were saying,and I'm not. And that kind of
turned me off through it, whereI know that she was skilled. And

(16:38):
she was able to kind of like,obviously had a long term
career, right. But it just didnot connect with me. And like
she would go through some notreally Proverbs, but like, do
comparisons to try to make it alittle bit more secular. But it
just did not jive at all.

Are you not religious? Yeah. So I've had
one, I had this couplestherapist in quarantine, who
started by saying, Hey, I'mChristian, do you want me to
bring that into this? Or do youwant me to leave it out. And I
appreciate that she was prettyupfront about it. That's
fantastic. And she also seemedvery, like easygoing, like she
was in California, which iswhere I am. Everyone out here is

(17:18):
weird, and like spiritual andearthy. So if you're religious,
I just kind of put it into thatcategory. So I was able to look
past that. And she didn't bringit into the sessions at all. If
she you know, if she wasanalyzing us in a Christian way,
Soviet, but she didn't talkabout it. So for me, it was
okay. But if someone was overlylike, this is all about Jesus.

(17:40):
And here's your relationshipwith the Lord. I think that
would turn me off to

Yeah, and it wasn't even like super, super
overt, but it was just like theparables that she would use,
right? or trying to like, make,make sure that I know that.
There's an angel out there forme. Sure. Maybe. Yeah. I won't
find out like, it'll be fine.

That's kind of tricky, because it's so much
about the language. Yes, yeah.
Because you can easily get thatsame message across like, you're
trying to say, hey, someone'sout there for you, whether it's
like a real person or spirit.
But then to make your religiouswhen your your clients not
religious kind of turns themoff,

and not having that conversation upfront to
like what yours had, I mean,that that would have been just a
great talking point, allthroughout it to say, Okay, this
may not jive at all, like all,and hopefully they're good
enough to where you mightalready be at edge if you're not
a religious person, and thatconversation comes up, and you

(18:46):
still try to continue to gothrough it. And but it sounds
like they didn't even have thatissue with bringing it up or not
bringing it up, right.

Yeah. She was just like, this is who I am. This is
kind of how I work. Do you wantme to bring in religion? And we
were like, No, I was like, No,my boyfriend didn't have an
opinion at the time because Idon't want religion. Oh, it's
just weird to be it's, I mean,maybe if you're a Christian, it
makes sense. But if you're not,it's a hard divide. Yeah, for

(19:17):
sure. For sure. So how long didthat therapy relationship last?

Um, actually, about a month and a half or so.
My, my work has a lot of reallygood mental health resources.
And my insurance paid for likethe first six sessions or
something like that. That'sgood. Yeah. So they tried to

(19:42):
push us to get help if we needit. And it was great. So I just
went through the first like sixsessions with her to give it a
solid shot because I didn't wantto give up after two weeks.

Right? And you want to give it like a real shot
too because if anything At leastyou get something out of it.

Yeah. And sometimes it takes a little bit
to form a connection. Right?
That that's normal. And I'veheard left and right from all my
other friends whose they theywill never go to another
therapist like that's theirtherapist just because of the
connection that's in there. Ikind of hoping that that would
be something that I could likedevelop, but it just did not.

So how did you go about finding a new therapist
after that one?

Unknown (20:31):
Actually, it was it was one of my, one of my reps at my
store. He was going to couplestherapy originally at this
place, and then kept it on forhis own personal one, because
they split. So he was like, Ibarely pay anything. It was like
10 bucks a session. And it'sfantastic.

Yeah. Which is really what therapy should cost?

Unknown (20:56):
Not the $100 an hour.

It's a doctor medical service, you know?

Unknown (21:02):
Exactly, exactly. It was. So it was cool. Like after
the six sessions with the firstone. It would have been just
like a copay golden with that.
And I don't think everybody hasthat ability or resource. So I'm
very, very appreciative of thetools that I have at me, or I
have at my disposal.

Yeah. If you have a mental health insurance, go
use it.

Unknown (21:26):
Yeah, for sure. For sure. Because it doesn't hurt to
just talk, right? And then, so Iemailed the place that he goes,
he went to, and then got hookedup with my current therapist.

That's cool. So it seems like your social network,
you're able to talk about thiswith your friends. And that
helps you like, figure out moreof what's going on in your own
life and how to get help.

Unknown (21:54):
For sure. I mean, last, like December, yeah, December of
this year, there was me and acouple of my friends together
just around the fire, talkingabout all of our problems. All
the things that we're goingthrough and trying to get better

(22:15):
and how important it is. Andyeah, so it's everybody's got
something. Now for sureeverybody's got something going
on. And thankfully, they canfeel a little bit more
comfortable talking about

it. Yeah, that's awesome. I feel like sometimes
it's hard to start that supportsystem. So if you have it,
definitely use it and keepreaching out for sure. For sure.
Yeah, that's so cool. Has, soyour dog passed away? And then
has that been like the start ofa depression? Or do you think
you had depression before thatand it kind of exasperated?

Unknown (22:50):
So. I think two things just like, was the straw that
broke the camel's back. Onedefinitely, you know, being my
dog passing away, but to goingto concerts and like stand up
shows are my full release. And Ididn't have that at all for the
past year, and I still don'tfeel comfortable fully going to

(23:12):
them. Yeah. So it was literallylike, I'm stuck inside. There's
just a big emptiness here. Now,and my cat has tried to take
over and it hasn't. It's not thesame.

Like you tried to fill the void with the cat or
the cat has its own motives.

Unknown (23:31):
The cat has its own motives. off to the side when my
dog was around, and now she'staken over my entire life and
just yelled at me every timethat she needs something. And
it's usually just food. I forgotwhat I was saying.

You were saying?
Yeah, entertainments gone rightnow. Or it's different. It's
around.

Unknown (23:55):
So that that whole idea of just being able to like go
out and get out of my ownheadspace and focus on something
else and feel good. There wasthere was no good for me to
bounce back from or bounce backto.

Yeah, I'm the same way where it's like, it's been a
big motivation my whole life tolike, go to a concert, go to a
comedy show. Like this is thefun thing I'm doing I can look
forward to it. And I've onlyrecently started going back and
it does still feel weird and Idon't trust anybody. But I've
just like slowly beenintegrating it back into my life
and it's it's definitely taken atoll to not have that for so

(24:32):
long.

Unknown (24:32):
Yeah, yeah. So that I those were just like the the
Pentacles of it. Like just theiceberg on it. Because I think
I've always dealt with it. LikeI remember multiple times asked
my mom when I was growing up tobe like, I should probably talk
to someone like, I don't feelgreat. And these these are dumb
thoughts that I usually have andi don't i don't like them. So

(24:56):
she said no. Ah,

which Come on mom.
That was like hard for you toask. Yeah.

Unknown (25:05):
Like 13 1415 like throes of teenage boy dumb
nonsense, you know? Yeah. So Idon't know, I think I think it's
changed so much, especially justfrom my memory of being turned
down by my parents to just beinglike, now they're embracing it

(25:26):
like now they're cool with it.
Because my sister goes totherapy. She's been going for
years. And my mom's hip to it,and she likes it now. But it's
really just that perception ofit from, you know, days back
where it was just like, Oh, yourchild sick? No, my child is not
sick. There's there's nosymptoms. It's fine.

Yeah, I think it was much more extreme in the
past, even in the past, like fewyears. And now it's way more
talks about? Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. So I would say kudos toyoung Chris, for asking for
help, because that's not easy.
And I wish I had asked for helpwhen I was younger, but I was
just like, no, I will bury thisinside me, it will make me

(26:06):
stronger, I really, probablytook a decade off my life. So
it's good to ask for help.

Unknown (26:13):
Yeah, I think I would be a way more like put together
individual, if that happened.
Because being being just livingprecariously the entire time,
and just like hoping for thingsto work out is not the best
approach to life, you shouldprobably like have a good
foundation at some point.

Having like, any guidance, any professional
wisdom to you know, put intoyour brain that helps so much.
Instead of just being like, I'mgonna write in this journal, and
write poems like that doesn'twork doesn't work all the time.

Unknown (26:47):
I mean, that it doesn't work. If there's no one to
analyze what you're saying. Andbeing like, these are your
problems, right? Let me help youlook at your problems. And the
whole, like, burying of thewhole thing, you know, I always
think about just parents justnot wanting to talk about it and

(27:07):
like refusing to acknowledge it.

Yeah, yeah, I think my, I mean, I had Catholic
parents growing up. So I feellike we didn't talk about
feelings. So to talk about liketherapy would have been a whole
other monster to overcome,right? Like, eventually, we got
around to it, because of one ofmy siblings asking for help. And
now my mom's totally cool withit, but it took other events to

(27:31):
happen.

Unknown (27:32):
Yeah. Yeah. So I'm really weird how that works out.

I have more hope for the new generation. Yeah.

Unknown (27:39):
Because the the generation that's, that's, you
know, popping kids out now areeasily able to talk about it. So
that'll hopefully just continueto happen. And we get better and
better.

Yeah, I think so.
I have good faith. So do youwant to tell us about sobriety?

Unknown (27:58):
Sure. So I've been sober. I want to say like, five
years or so

you'd have a date that you celebrate? No.

Unknown (28:12):
So I probably should, because it was an important
thing. But it all kind of goesalong with the depression and
all that stuff. So all related.
Yeah, I was I was drinking realreal hard for a while. And I was
drinking, usually. not usually,but a lot of times by myself.
And I would feel good likearound other people. But as soon

(28:34):
as I get home, just like, allthe inner thoughts, just like
you're terrible, just go rightthrough me. And then it's just
like an echo chamber. echochamber until I pass out, right.
But I had blacked out one nightand then woke up in the middle
of trying to kill myself. Oh, myGod. Yeah. So that that right
there stopped me from drinkingfor the most part going forward.

(29:01):
And I remember, I basically wentcold turkey. Cuz I was just
afraid of what well would happenwith without any kind of control
anymore. And I remember I wantto say it was about three weeks

(29:22):
after I tried to quit. I saw myparents and I told them that I
was like, Hey, I'm going to I'mquitting drinking. You know, I'm
trying to stay sober. They'relike, No, you're not. Let's go
to the bar. Oh, no. And thathappened. They were they live in
the mountains of North Carolina,and it gets real real hot in the

(29:46):
summer. And I was a dark beerdrinker, but I was literally
like the only one in the barthat's been around that area, I
guess. So they had all this darkale and it was all for me. And I
drank way too much of it. I wassuper hot and then just got my
revenge by throwing up all overtheir bathroom.

Oh my gosh, do that. Yeah. So they were not
understanding. Are they bigdrinkers themselves? Oh, yeah.
Okay. Yeah, so that'sinteresting. So you beat it and
tell them like the whole story?

Unknown (30:21):
No, no, I did not tell them at first cuz I didn't want
my mom to worry more. And Ithink that's also where like
kids get definitely, like tiedup about talking about it. Yeah,
they don't, they don't reallywant their parents to worry too
much. Because it's not anythingreally my mom did. It's just

(30:41):
whatever was happening in mybrain. Right. So

the parents mothers blamed themselves. Yeah.

Unknown (30:52):
So I didn't want that to happen. So it took a while
for that to come out.

Isn't it such a cruel irony that that's like,
what stops you from getting thehelp you need?

Unknown (31:03):
Yeah. I remember one of my friends when I was growing
up. He tried cutting his wrists,but, like, cleaned up himself,
and the floor because he didn'twant the blood to get
everywhere. So he didn't want itto be dirty. So then that's how
he like saved his own life,because he didn't want to make a

(31:26):
mess for which is just wild.
Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like you have rational thoughts
intruding to your irrationalthoughts? Like you're like, what
are the consequences of what I'mdoing? What's gonna happen next?
And then you have to get tothat, that mental spot and like,
oh, it might not be good. MaybeI should stop.

Unknown (31:50):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it. It's been cool. That support
system that we talked aboutearlier. I mean, that's there.
And I was able to go to concertswithout having to worry about
drinking or anything like that,which was nice. That's
definitely one of the thingsthat I was afraid of, because

(32:12):
that was such like a big pieceof my life. I didn't want that
to to be both me trying to getbetter, and then also getting
worse at my thing that I love.

So did you ever do a TA or affordable program?

Unknown (32:27):
No. I thought about it.

I guess I'm not even supposed to ask you that.
So I can retract the question.
Oh, no. It's like not allowed toask.

Unknown (32:38):
Oh, well, the answer is no. So but it all kind of goes
with not being religious andknowing

it's a very religious program. Yeah, just
weird.

Unknown (32:51):
Yeah. It's very steeped into Christian forgiveness, and,
you know, acceptance and givingit up to a higher power. And I
looked at that stuff, and I wasjust like, this is not gonna be
it for me, like, not nothing ofthis is gonna jive. I'm gonna
just try to kind of keep itgoing. But myself. So did you do

the whole sobriety journey alone? You didn't join,
like a group or like a forum orsomething?

Unknown (33:17):
Yeah, no, I did it myself. I guess. That's got

to be incredibly hard.

Unknown (33:23):
I guess. So. I think, I think to me, it doesn't seem
like that big of a deal. Mostlybecause like I had friends,
sure. But also like, I didn'twant to die. So it's just like,
Oh, this is a thing that Ishouldn't do anymore. And let's
not do this anymore. Because itwas just negatively affecting

(33:43):
everything that I was doing. Andit's, it's still funny to me,
because like, my early 20s, itwas all based around alcohol and
liquor and wine where I evensold it as distributor for a
while. And now it's like a wholeother life that I have now. And
once I got because I use thetracker, I use the sobriety

(34:05):
tracker for a little bit. And Ithink once I got to, like 30
days was just like, I think I'mall right now.

Wow. 30 days, it's like the beginning.

Unknown (34:14):
Yeah, that's what I thought. But like, I had gone to
a show and everybody was reallycool. They were asking if I
wanted to water or a ginger aleor something instead, and they
were all super respectful. And Ithink that's just something that
that really helped me out.

That's cool. Yeah.
People who are not saying, Oh,fuck that. We're gonna go to the
bar.

Unknown (34:35):
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
So

no, no offense to your parents, like it's not the
most helpful.

Unknown (34:45):
offenses, fine, they're fine. They're good people, but
they should not be drinking thatmuch.

But you're able to tell your friends honestly,
like, Hey, this is not who I amanymore.

Unknown (34:55):
Yeah, it was that was really nice. And just the
support system of it was reallynice. And it just made things
easier. So every like everybodythat I've talked to about this,
they're just like, Oh, that's soamazing. You did so much on your
own, and I don't feel like Idid.

He's definitely dead. It's not easy to be sober.
And it's not easy to recognize abreaking point like that. So
yeah, I would be proud. I wouldpick a time of year you
celebrate your sober versary?

Unknown (35:24):
I gotta figure it out, because I don't remember. Cuz I
deleted the app and all that. SoI don't remember. When I did. I
think it was sometime maybe inMarch, we'll find out. I don't
know, I'll look, I'll get adate.

I guess it's hard to pinpoint, like an exact date,
but you could just do time ofyear. I like that. I like that.
I know my boyfriend. I thinkhe's hidden in five years in
November. But he's like, alsoquestionable on the date. He's
like, it's in November. Bla blabla, like, he knows he tried to
be sober twice, and it didn'twork. And the third time it
stuck. So his his details are sofuzzy.

Unknown (36:02):
I think you just forget about it. Like it's not part of
your life anymore. But I haveseen because we like we have a
big heroin epidemic here. Andlike, fentanyl and stuff. So
I've seen a couple my friendsrecover from that. And it was
just like, they had to have thatdate in there. Yeah, to keep

(36:23):
going. Like, they know that it'sbeen this amount of days.
sensitive and clean or whatever,right. So I think for me, it's
just, like, just came to be partof my life. Like, that's just
not something that I do anymore.
For them, like that's a goal forthem. And so just like not go
back to that life at all.

Yeah, everyone has a different process for it.
Yeah. That's like scary shitsetting all and

Unknown (36:50):
opiates. It's not good.
Not good for anybody. Yeah, it's

been like I see stories in the comedy community
and out here in LA a handful ofpeople just died from fentanyl
and cocaine. It's like, yougotta gotta be aware of
everything you're putting intoyour body.

Unknown (37:08):
Yeah, I just heard I just heard a story about I don't
remember her name. But there isthat a story about a couple
stand ups that did cocaine andit was laced with fentanyl or
they found out and then one ofthem died, I think.

Yeah, it was a few maybe a week ago, one or two
weeks ago, a few comics died.
Kate Quigley? I think shesurvived. But like a bunch of
three people died, which isscary.

Unknown (37:37):
Yeah. It's, it's insane. One of my friends just
moved from California over here.
And she was talking about howshe used to do coke. But as soon
as it was just like, betting alllacing, you couldn't trust
anybody anymore. So there was noreason to do any of it. And you
just quit. Because Yeah, again,you don't want to die.

I mean, you can get a test kit. But like, I
don't know if that's 100%accurate. And to me, it seems
better just not to coke. For me,I'm like, maybe just don't do
the drugs until you know they'resafe.

Unknown (38:12):
Or make them your own right.

That's a personal philosophy.

Unknown (38:16):
Yeah, you got Yeah, chemicals in your house? You're
gonna figure it out?

Yeah, I don't know. Like, or maybe make soap.
Maybe try it try a differenthobby. But to me, death is a big
factor where it's like, I alsodon't want to die. Therefore, I
will not choose activities thatincrease my likelihood of dying.
Yeah. Yeah. Are you alright? Goahead.

Unknown (38:39):
Well, it was just always a weird thing to me to,
with. Ever since like, I wasyoung. I always thought suicide
was something that was notnecessarily negative, but just
like a not a good way to go out.
You could probably do more likeyou don't have to, but grow
growing up, you know, you youunderstand that it's not really

(39:04):
like them killing themselves,like they died by suicide or, or
something along those lines,where it's not really in their
control. And when when whathappened to me happened, I was
just like, I'm not in control.
And it's not, you know, it's notthe stories that you hear about

(39:24):
people just Oh, dang. Like,there's more stuff that
happened. There's there's moremental stuff that happened in
there. And that just made a justa brighter spot for me that, you
know, it's it's, it's not a badthing or a good thing. It's just
a way that people go out and itcan be, you know, curved it can
be helped. If they have help.

So when you say you could do more You mean like
in your life you could haveYeah, kept going. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I've always I know, themoment I learned what suicide
was when I was a kid because itwas on the News like a murder
suicide. And I remember Iprobably asked my dad like, what
was it mean? He killed hisfamily and then he killed
himself. I already kill himselfand I was so confused. Like,

(40:09):
then you lose, you know, hecould have he could have run
away. If you're going to killpeople run away otherwise you go
to jail, right? That was my likechild thinking. But suicide

Unknown (40:19):
dangerous child, I feel like you're up to no good. Yeah,

fearless. But to kill yourself just seemed like
losing like you and your owngame?

Unknown (40:30):
Yeah, yeah, that's a good way to kind of put it. But
then you learned that there's alot more to it. It makes you
really put in perspective of thethings that that people have
lost and how it affected them.
And, you know, the I've I'velost like four friends to
suicide. And it's, yeah, it'smostly with drugs and stuff to

(40:53):
like, that they try to selfprescribe for the most part,
right? That's, that's what youdo. You try to self treat,
instead of going to therapy, andmaybe like getting other things
that will make you feel like azombie sometimes, maybe, but
like, you're still around, andyou're still mostly you?

Yeah, like you have to have that awareness of
what's actually helping mewhat's actually hurting me. You
have to care about gettingbetter? For sure, for sure. And
for some people, I guess it'slike, either too much of the
time, or they don't. They don'twant to make those introspective
questions,

Unknown (41:32):
I think, yeah. And I think that feeling of not being
good enough to really like doanything also seeps into you
like not wanting to ask forhelp, too, because you're just,
I'm a nuisance, I'm a bother,like, I'm just another weight on
someone's shoulders. So thatthat's another piece of it, that
will probably stop people fromfrom trying to find the help

(41:55):
that they need.

Yeah, but then, if you think about the world's
like, everyone's a nuisance,everyone's so annoying. You
might as well also be annoying.
Like, take up your space and askfor help. And you know, do what
you need to do to be a realhealthy person.

Unknown (42:13):
Yeah, I'm finding that out more and more that I have to
actually like, be out in theopen and get my face out there a
little bit more. Because it'ssomething that I I'm very much a
big recluse and not recluse, butlike, very much, I don't want to
be the center of attention ever.
I don't want to be a squeakywheel. Like I just kind of want
to like, do my job well, andkeep going. And the flip side of

(42:35):
that is my whole one of theideas of the of my podcasts that
I do. By being the center ofattention is doing a spotlight
on other people that are aroundme. I support other people, and
like I get all the things out.
But when it comes to anything byitself, I'm just so like, no one

(42:55):
wants to hear from me ever.

Yeah, it sounds like you still need to work on
the self talk. Yeah, yeah. But Ifeel you because I think suicide
is such a big problem. Like I'vedefinitely, you know, entertain
suicidal thoughts. I've beendepressed on and off forever.
I'm still need to really likeaddress that. But you know, it's
small steps. One, and I think Ithink a lot of it is like, you

(43:21):
have to say to yourself, Ideserve help. I deserve to be
the best person I can be. Fuckeverybody else. They come
second, like you have to takecharge of you and fix you.

Unknown (43:31):
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
And it's a lot to convinceyourself that you're kind of
worth it and convince yourselfto take that step. But once you
do, like, it's a whole differentworld, because then you realize
that some people around yousuck, but most. And they're
always willing to, like, helpyou out and be there if you just

(43:52):
say something.

Yeah, and I think a lot of it is dropping those
people who suck and connectingwith the ones who are great.

Unknown (44:03):
For sure. There's so many people that suck but yeah.

Like whether they're your friends, stop
texting them, if they're on yourInstagram feed, unfollow them,
like get rid of the people thatbring you down.

Unknown (44:16):
Yeah, yeah. And that the social media of it all is is
a whole other thing. Because oneof the one of the first things
that I did, the beginning ofthis year was removed Facebook
and all that stuff and try tolike people say, social media
detox or something like that,but I just handle anymore. Like

(44:39):
it was just too much. There wasYeah,

it's really bad for you unless you can. I don't
know if you can find a formulato only use it for like the
perfect amount of time, butunless you can really moderate
it. It's terrible for you.

Unknown (44:50):
Yeah. And we're both in spaces that require social media
to kind of like keep going and

where your whole like entertainment worth is
based on your social media.

Unknown (45:01):
Yeah, it's not a it's not a great feeling. And I'm
also real bad at it. So that'sthat's another part of it. But

I would say that's a positive trait to be bad at
social media.

Unknown (45:13):
Good. I hope so. I can I can lurk real well, I can. I
can, like, watch other peopleand read it. I can. I can go up
and down that all day, but Icannot participate.

Yeah, read it read. It's fascinating. I just
go on it every once in a whilelike to look for podcast guests
or read up on one thing, butwhenever I'm there, I'm like,
this is like that what theinternet should be. This is like
novels and deep questions, youget really into people's lives.

Unknown (45:41):
There's, there's so much that happens. There's
always a new subreddit to go to.
And you're always discoveringsomething else. And it's just
it's wild. Like that's, it feelsa little bit more like a better
community to be a part of, butthey're also like, terrible,
terrible people in that.

Yeah, I think it's also a little dangerous in the
way where it's like, too, it'stoo fulfilling. It might keep
you online too long. You know?
Yes,

Unknown (46:07):
yes. That's trying to go to sleep with your phone in
your hand is not conducive tosleep.

Yeah. Which might be fine when we're in a
pandemic, but when we're out ofit should go out into the world.

Unknown (46:20):
If that happens. Yeah.
If we're ever out of it. Yeah.

Sometime sometime in the future. All right. Do you
want to spend the roulettewheel?

Unknown (46:29):
Yeah, for sure. This is a good idea. I like this idea.
Thank

you. I think it's so silly, but people seem to
like it. Okay.
Do you have a memory you want toshare from childhood? It could
be like a really good one, orreally, whatever one bad May,

Unknown (46:52):
because it's got to happen. This came back to me
recently. So when I was a kid,we would swordfight with tree
sticks. And we would test outtheir might by just slaving
against a tree and hoping thatthey don't break. And I think I
was like, 11 when this happened.
And then I broke one right onthe tree and then just smacked

(47:16):
me in the mouth and broke mytooth. And recently, I had just
ate breakfast and got thefilling just came right out. 20
years later, so I recently gotthat fixed. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I
just remember. I remembergetting smacked in the mouth

(47:38):
with with the stick, bleedingeverywhere and then walking home
with my tooth in my hand.
Because we were down the street,like, very much not near the
house. And I go I go there andthen she calls the dentist.
We're in there within like anhour. That is not my experience

(48:00):
as an adult now, so I don't knowhow she worked it.

Emergency. Right.

Unknown (48:07):
She thought there was more than what it was probably I
don't know. I mean, youremergency.
Yeah, you hit yourself with astick. That's that's dumb. Just
keep going. So yeah, so I justremember like, getting that
being rushed to the dentist. Andthen like I said, like, three

(48:27):
weeks ago, is when the feelingfinally came out. And it just
dropped out of my mouth while Iwas eating a breakfast sandwich.
And then I almost choked on it.
So that was my time.

I think you've got to watch out for the universe.
Like it's kind of out to get youa little bit.

Unknown (48:42):
Yeah, doesn't like me.
But

if you got to go plants a tree make up for this
big tree.

Unknown (48:49):
I had there's there's like, trees around me already.
It's

I don't know, I don't like the karma that's
happening in these stories.

Unknown (49:00):
They're not great stories. They're not great.

How old are you when this happened? I want

Unknown (49:05):
to I want to say I was like 10 or 11. So it's still
like I'm thinking about it now.
Like I still remember a lot ofthe details of it. And it's just
insane. Like what you remembercuz I don't remember like what I
did a week ago. But I rememberwhat happened to me 20 almost 22
years ago. Yeah, great detail.

(49:26):
So I remember feeling andtasting warm. Because just the
blood all over my mouth at thatpoint. And then looking down at
my hand where the blood was onthere because I obviously use it
to try to make it stop bleeding.
And then my tooth was in thereand I was just like, this is how
I present to my mom. So you

were you're with like a sibling or friend when it
actually Yeah,

Unknown (49:53):
yeah, it was three of us. The unfortunate thing was I
don't remember who

Was there? It sounds like it

Unknown (50:02):
was traumatic. Yeah, a little bit a little bit.

I don't know. Or maybe your brains like these
other details are irrelevant.
Just remember the pain?

Unknown (50:11):
I think so I think that's what it is. Just remember
the pain.

Yeah. That's intense. Yeah,

Unknown (50:18):
that's not a good one.

I also, my subtitle is consent to event. So
is there anything you'd like tovent about? Get off your chest.

Unknown (50:28):
I'm not in particular, other than cats who yell
constantly. She shouldn't be athing.

You should let it out. Just you know, your cat
can't hear us.

Unknown (50:43):
She lets me know that she can. And

what's your cat's name? Josie. Josie.

Unknown (50:51):
Yeah, she is the bane of my existence. And that is
that is definitely one thingthat I could like rant on, or
events about where it was reallynice, because I gave her back to
my friend that gave her to mefor a month while I was
recovering back surgery and itwas so quiet in the house. And
then the day that I got herback, she gave me the worst

(51:14):
attitude of all, she did nottalk to me for about half the
day. And then would not leave mealone and yelled the rest of the
half. And it was the worst. Ihated it. Because it was from
like pure silence and bliss tothis hell creature. I just

(51:36):
really want to like let the dooropen all the time and see what
happens.

So she was fine, though, when you had a dog.

Yes, there was a great barrier between us.
Okay, where the dog kept herquiet. She came fully into her
personality. bout three weeksafter he he was gone.

Or maybe she's also depressed and like, you
need to get another dog orsomething else has to change in
the house.

He's just hungry. And she fights me a lot
and I don't like it. She doesn'tplay with any other toy. This is
her dumb cats or cats are dumbbecause she doesn't play with
cat toys. She plays with like alaser pointer when I remember
that I have one but that's it.
She just wants to box my hands.

(52:29):
And she has sharp nailssometimes when I forget to take
her to the vet to trim them. Andthey hurt and she drew blood
multiple times this past week.
And I didn't like it. But my godshe doesn't care about toys at
all. And I bought her likeeverything from Target literally
like everything

she she has human emulated I don't know what it
is. I don't know I don't havecats. My my neighbors have
three. And whenever we go overthere they're like do you want
the orange one because we don'twant and we're like no we don't
want to cap and Thank you

Well, yeah, it's and it's funny I have like
three strays that just hang outin the yard too. And I every
time I look at him like oh yeah,you guys are cute. Do you want
to come in? And then I rememberthat one yells I don't need to
have them yelling.

Yeah, there is no personality test before you
bring this animal into yourhouse.

No it there is not. When when I got my dog
there, there definitely was butI forgot that I was allergic to
dogs. I had like an hour and ahalf ride home with this animal
that I met for one of the firsttimes like I met him like couple
times outside right and it wascool. Because I could still
breathe. And then now I'mdriving him an hour and a half

(53:45):
home and a car that I can'treally turn the windows so hot.
And my eyes are watering I'msneezing like every mile It was
not great. Oh no. Yeah, well, ittook about two months to get
used. So

I'm so sorry about Josie I hope you can figure that
out.

I hope so too cuz I definitely like she she
tries to balance the cuddleillness with it. But then she
does the the needing to I don'tlike the the making of the
biscuits or something. I thinkthey call it where she just
drags her nails all up and downmy side while trying to her next
to me and pretending that she'scute, but she's really just

(54:26):
tearing the flesh. Shelby

says, Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's helping
or bringing value to your life.
Nope, that that's not easy. Sheneeds a cat whisper.

Yeah, or just leave maybe?

I don't know.
We'll find out. Yeah. Or maybe anew home.

Yeah. Oh,

Chris, thank you for so much for coming on. Tell
us where to find you and alittle bit about your podcast.

Sure. So you can find me at ambition Radio
Podcast on Instagram andfacebook.com slash ambition
radio. I do a show where I tryto talk to small business
owners, athletes, musicians, anyother kind of artists, and we
figure out how they kind ofbalance their life out a little

(55:12):
bit. I've always dealt with alack of motivation. And even
though I'm trying to do this,and trying to be creative, and
that was part of the the idea ofthe show, to being able to keep
my motivation going, whilebalancing out the rest of my
life. And I find folks thatsometimes do that. And it's
great. I come from a backgroundof booking concerts. So it's

(55:36):
really nice to talk to musicianspretty much all the time. So a
lot of morning musicians, but Ilove it. It's definitely a way
to express yourself. I've beentalking about mental health on
there a lot. Since everything'shappened, and yeah, check it
out.

It's fun. Yeah, I would say you're doing it.
You're not trying. You're doingit.

I appreciate it.

I checked it out.
And you have like, 70 somethingepisodes like, I've listened to
one with a band, so I felt coolor listened to it. You're doing
the thing?

Yeah. So it's it's 70,77 episodes over the
course of three years. It'sthere's been like two or three
months where I forgot that I hada show and did not feel like
doing anything with said showbecause life got in the way. So
I've been able to

Oh, my god power podcast seems like a
whole. It's a whole hustle. So Itotally get it

so much. So much. Editing sucks. Don't Yeah,
anybody that wants to learndon't

I would say there are rewards along the way, but
is grueling. Yeah. It's not fun.
Yeah. But anyway, thanks forlistening, Chris. It's been a
pleasure.

Thank you. I appreciate your time.

Hey, I want to thank you personally for
listening to the podcast. Thishas been Therapy Roulette, where
I give you consent to vent. Iwould love to keep making
episodes and putting out thispodcast into the world. And in
order to do that, people have tofind out about it and they have
to listen. So please leave areview. If you have 10 seconds
to spare, reviews go a long way.
Any app, any place on theinternet, please leave a good

(57:17):
review. Please tell your friendsabout the podcast. You could
explain it, say it's about anhonest mental health
conversation. It's a little bitfunny. It's a little bit
deprecating, or don't explain itat all. And just send them an
airdrop link and boom, they haveit in their phone. Thank you so
much for listening. I will beback with a new episode. Not

(57:38):
next Thursday but the followingThursday.

Theme Song (57:46):
Therapy Roulette Consent to Vent / Trauma
disguised as comedy / TherapyRoulette: Consent to Vent / If
you dont have problems, thenyoure likely repressing sh*t
and you should find a therapist/ (Whos not me)

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