Social Appetites: 83

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Before I began. This episode discusseseating disorders. So if this topic is
not comfortable for you, just goahead and skip this one and I'll hang
out with you next time. Loveyou. And in addition to the feeling

(00:37):
of being full, there was anothermore terrifying one, as if a hundred
appetites were raging out of control withinher. She couldn't explain it, but
she felt as if everything was inchaos and something awful was going to happen.
She had eaten and now something terriblewas going to occur. Stephen Levi
Acron the best little girl in theworld. As you may know, I

(01:02):
have been celebrating my fifth anniversary,which was in April, by revisiting and
updating in my first five years ofepisodes, in a sense, looking at
my first five years of podcasting througha new lens. I decided to jump
ahead to episode thirty six, ChasingThat Skinny, in which I interviewed Eli
Serota, a fellow podcaster in Front, and we both talked about our past

(01:23):
dealing with our eating disorders. Idecided to go ahead and revisit this one
because of what's going on in realityTV in social media in the past two
weeks. For those of you whodo not watch The Housewives, I'm referring
to the real Housewives of Beverly Hills. What's going on goes back to last
season when Sutton, a self describedSouthern bale I disagree because of her lack

(01:49):
of manners but anyway, walked intoCristel's room, her hotel bedroom, with
only a perfunctory knock to bring herher coat. No one asked her to
but again, but anyway. Ona girl's trip, Crystel was in the
mess of changing clothes and was naked. Crystel, because the body issues passed
and present, had a panic responseand hit the floor to cover herself.

(02:15):
Sutton, instead of bowing graciously outof the room, continued to stare at
Crystel and further made a joke.The rest of the women for the rest
of this season took issue not withSutton, but with Crystel, telling Cristel
that her description of her feelings wastoo intense that she couldn't use the word

(02:38):
violated to describe how she felt aboutthe situation, which then basically forced her
into a corner and forced her todisclose that she had had a meaning disorder.
She had to disclose to explain howstrongly she felt about Sutton standing there,
staring at her body and making ajoke, so that her ends with

(03:00):
Leaver alone. Fast forward to thisseason, Crystal is now in these past
two weeks talking about her eating disorderand talking about how she is currently struggling.
The response by the other cast membershas possibly been triggering for people,

(03:22):
and it's been harsh enough that theHousewife show has put up a if you
need support screen at the end ofepisodes, which I'm not certain they've ever
done before. Most of them haveignored it in Aschae kind of way to
Crystal's face, and then discussed itbehind her back with each other. Some

(03:43):
responded with a Oh, you're sopretty, you have such an amazing body,
which is a big no no.It's dismissive at best and so invasive
and triggering. I know that wordis soever used, but it is appropriate
here. Eating disorders are not abouttrying to achieve a desirable body type,

(04:06):
not completely. Crystal talks about havingbody dysmorphia, which means that she does
not perceive her body as it realisticallyis. She wasn't heard, in my
opinion, not at all Erica,who I normally like despite all of her
legal problems, which I'm not goingto get into because it's not appropriate,

(04:29):
has been drinking a lot lately,and she is wide open when she drinks.
And she said something she absolutely shouldnot have said, like suggesting laxatives
to crystal as a purgative and teasingher with an appetizer at a party.
You can't eat this, it's achicken finger. Good God. Kyle asked

(04:53):
questions about crystals eating disorder without askingpermission first, as did Erica. The
questions were sensible. You know,does she restrict r pinge? Does she
purge? But don't ask details aboutsomeone's mental illness unless you ask permission first.

(05:13):
Can we talk about it? Isit okay if I ask questions about
it? Because it might not bethe time or placed to discuss details,
and or the person might not bein a safe headspace to explain how they
don't eat and purge if they do, which is what I did. Just
talking about it can put your bodyin an unsafe place. Cortisol, adrenaline,

(05:38):
fight flight freezer, fawn. It'sreally not simply a conversation. So
because all this uncomfortable stuff is goingon on reality TV and continuing on social
media. Because these ladies don't knowhow to behave you know that? And
Crystal is having trouble protecting herself andfeeling safe. I thought it'd be time

(06:00):
to jump to this episode in myrevisiting my first five years. Good timing,
So before I replay this interview,which was recorded for National Eating Disorders
Week, I'll talk about my eatingdisorder. I am currently healthy. I
tracked my food through the lifesome appand am safe and healthy doing it under
the supervision of my gastroenterologists to manageall the wonderful val symptoms that go along

(06:26):
with Errol's danlos and fibromalgia. AndI will spare you the details to suffice
it to say I don't digest foodwell at all. I'm able to track
my food by looking at types onthe app vegetables, fruit, fish,
water, etc. Without obsessing aboutnumbers. I can enjoy making positive changes
in my diet without them ruminating aboutthem and ruminating about the changes they're making

(06:51):
to my body. Like no longerdrinking soda. I haven't had sodestance.
I worked which was twenty fourteen,which a pan of drinking mostly water,
drinking only one caffeinated coffee per day. I highly recommend Grounds and Hounds a
decap they support shelter dogs. I'llput the link in the show notes.

(07:12):
I'm able to watch for disordered eatinghabits and talk to my therapist about them
and change them myself. I haven'tbeen active in my eating disorder since my
early twenties and I'm now fifty.I was an antoractic purging type. What
this means is I didn't eat,but when I had to for social reasons
or my body demanded it, thenI would make myself sick. I did

(07:39):
do damage to myself, my throat, my teeth, which are already also
weakened by Earl's damlos. I hada weird relationship with my body because I
knew something was wrong but had notbeen diagnosed with anything yet. And I
was also very curvy and had beensince the fourth grade. In the fourth

(08:00):
grade, it's not good. Unexplainedpain and sweats and intolerance to heat and
wooziness puts a lot of thickness justmessed with me. Then I had issues
with my little brother Eric. IfI talked about on the podcast dying in
our childhoods, so I had traumaon top of everything else. So you
add complex PTSD into all of thesebody issues. My reasons were control much

(08:26):
more than they need to be thinper se. Do I buy into my
cultures drive to be thin? Yes? I did. I won't lie.
I was a teen during the CapeMoss era. The look was called heroine
cheek quote. The nerves of theskin send pain signals to the brain to

(08:48):
warn us that the danger from animpending injury. In the case of self
inflicted wounding, this pain axis thebody's own defense mechanism to stop one from
perceiving in the effort at physical injury. If the person proceeds despite the pain,
this means that he or she ismotivated by something stronger than the pain,
something that makes him or capable ofignoring or enduring it. Stephen Levicronz,

(09:15):
my heart is with Crystal. Ican't imagine my issues being spread across
TV and social media like this,especially by my friends, and having no
control. I'm choosing to discuss myeating disorder on my podcast, and I'm
choosing how I discuss it and howI receive responses to it. I'm not
getting comments about using molaxatives, probingquestions, and not being told I can't

(09:39):
eat something at a Christmas party infront of everybody. If you need to
speak to someone about concerns about disorderedeating in yourself or someone else, you
can contact the National Eating Disorders Helplineat eight hundred nine three one two two
three seven. The number for theUK is zero one four nine four seven

(10:03):
nine three two two three. Thenumber for Eating Disorders Victoria in Australia is
one three hundred five five zero twothree six. These phone numbers and the
anonymous click to chat address for thehelpline are in the show notes and will
also be in the website entry forthis episode. There's also a self screening

(10:24):
test for eating disorders and the shownotes for age thirteen and up as a
tool. And now here's my interviewwith Eli. Thank you as always for
listening into my sixth year. Ihope you all are well and taking very
good care of yourself. You deserveit, as do I. I love
you. I am angry that Istarved my brain and I sat shivering in

(11:13):
my bed at night instead of dancingor reading poetry, or eating ice cream
or kissing a boy Laurie House AndersonWinter Girls. Hi, this is Carla,
and welcome once again to their mightbe Cupcakes. This episode's title,

(11:33):
chasing that Skinny, comes from somethingmy interviewee Eli Serota said as we discussed
emning disorders, and it really struckme. Granted, for me, my
eating disorder was not about thinness butrather control, but the obsession with what
my behavior was doing to my bodywas most certainly there. And I most

(11:54):
certainly did think I was fat,and I most certainly was not fat.
Before I play the interview, pleaselet me apologize for the sound quality.
This is Eli's recording. God blesshim for making a backup for my recording
died the inexplicable digital corruption death thathappens every once in a while. His

(12:15):
voice is beautifully clear. Mine originallysounded like Charlie Brown's teacher and peanuts wir.
Yeah. I salvage that as bestI could with my meager digitals skills.
My voice is not the most dilictivetones on the best day, and
it's not real sweet here, ButI think this interview is worth a listen,

(12:37):
so please hang in there with us. A quick intro to eating disorders
in general, if you will allowme to dust off my master's to green
counseling. When I refer to eatingdisorders in this episode, I am referring
to the DSM five, The Diagnosticand Statistical Manual and Mental Disorders fifth Edition
diagnoses of anorexia, lemia, andbeninging disorder. Anorexia is defined by the

(13:05):
DSM as quote persistent restriction of energyintake leading to significantly low body weight in
context of what is minimally expected forage, sex, developmental trajectory, and
physical health, accompanied by quote eitheran intense fear of gaining weight or of
becoming fat, or persistent behavior thatinterferes with weight gain even though significantly low

(13:31):
weight and quote disturbance in the wayone's body weight or shape is experienced,
undue influence of body shape and weighton self evaluation, or persistent lack of
recognition of the seriousness of the currentlow body weight so refusal to eat,
an untoward fear of becoming fat,or determined behavior that interferes with weight gain

(13:56):
even though you're of normal weight orunderweight, and the inability to see your
body shape for what it is andto see the seriousness of your situation.
I lift my arm out of thewater. It's a log. Put it
back under it and it blows up. Even bigger people see the log and

(14:16):
call it a twig. They yellat me because I can't see what they
see. Nobody can explain to mewhy my eyes work different than theirs.
Nobody can make it stop. LaurieHouse Anderson Winter Girls. There are two
subtypes of anorexia, restricting type,which is what is traditionally thought of as

(14:39):
anorexia, and eating purging type,which is what I had. This type
does occasionally eat, sometimes to bidginglevels I didn't, then purging to rid
the body of that food. Iwould eat, usually to ease social tension,
and then make myself on it.AMA is defined by the DSM as

(15:01):
quote recurrent episodes of binge eating.An episode of binge eating is characterized by
both of the following eating in adiscrete period of time, an amount of
food that is definitely larger than mostpeople would eat during a similar period of
time and under similar circumstances, anda sense of lack of control over eating

(15:22):
during the episode e g. Afeeling that one cannot stop eating or control
what or how much one is eating, and quote recurrent inappropriate compensatory Excuse me,
it's been a lot since I've beenin class. Compensatory behavior in order
to prevent weight gain, such asself induced vomiting, misuse of laxatives,

(15:46):
diuretics or other medications, fasting,our excessive exercise. The binge eating an
inappropriate compensat COMPENSATORI I should have towrite that a hundred times. Behaviors both
occur on average at least once aweek for three months. Again, as

(16:07):
with anorexia, self perception is disordered. Quote. Self evaluation is unduly influenced
by body shape and weight. Plus. In giving the diagnosis of bolimia,
anorexia must first be excluded. Youalways start with innorexia, then go to
bilimia quote. The disturbance does notoccur exclusively during episodes of anorexia nervosa.

(16:30):
Although neither Eli nor I suffered frombinge eating disorder, it still needs to
be discussed, for it isn't discussedoften and so has more shame associated with
it. It is not a personalfailure or a character flaw, is a
compulsion and an addictive behavior that requiresprofessional help to cease, just like anorexia

(16:52):
and Bulimia. If you are sufferingwith any of these three disorders, you
can contact the National AIM Disorders Helplineat one eight hundred nine three one two
two three seven. The number forthe UK is zero one four nine four
seven nine to three two two three. The number for Eating Disorders Victoria in

(17:17):
Australia is one three hundred five fivezero two three six. These phone numbers
and the anonymous click to chat addressfor the helpline are in the show notes
and will also be in the websiteentry for this episode. Binge eating disorder
is diagnosed per DSM as quote recurrentepisodes of binge eating characterized by both the

(17:41):
following eating in a discreete period oftime, an amount of food that is
definitely larger than most people would eatduring a similar period of time and under
similar circumstances, and a sense oflack of control over eating during the episode
e g. Of feeling that onecannot stop eating or control what or how

(18:03):
much one is eating. The BINGINGIepisodes are associated with three or more of
the following One eating much more rapidlythan normal, two eating until feeling uncomfortably
full, three eating large amounts offood when not feeling physically hungry, four

(18:23):
eating alone because of feeling embarrassed byhow much one is eating, and five
feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed orvery guilty afterwards. Marked distress regarding binge
eating is present, and BENGINGI occurson average at least once a week for
three months. Again, beinginging disorderis diagnosed exclusionary of anorexia and blimia.

(18:49):
You start with anorexia, exclude itand go to blimia, exclude it and
go to binging disorder. Final quotefrom the DSM quote note, beingining disorder
is less common but much more severethan just overeating. Beinginging disorder is associated
with more subjective distress regarding the eatingbehavior and commonly other co occurring psychological problems.

(19:18):
The reason ELI wanted to speak upfor National Eating Disorders Week is that
eating disorders are feminized, but onein three people struggling with an eating disorder
is male. And when you takeinto account quote unquote, subclinical disordered behaviors
i e. Severely disturbed disordered behaviorsthat do not fall under those three DSM

(19:41):
diagnoses, like purging without any otherbehaviors binging without any other qualifying behaviors,
laxative abuse without any other behaviors,obsessive exercising. These behaviors are as common
in men as they are in women. In the United States, ten million
men will struggle with an eating disorderduring their lifetime. Ten million thirty million

(20:07):
people of all genders will. Accordingto the National Eating Disorders Week website,
sixteen percent of transgender college students selfreport as currently struggling with an eating disorder
of some type. Eating disorders havethe highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
One in five depths for anorexia areactually by suicide. Mortality risk for

(20:32):
eating disorders is actually higher for menthan for women. Plus, there's actually
layers upon layers of stigma for menin admitting they need help and then in
seeking and receiving help. First,as I said, any disorders if feminized
cheerleaders, gymnasts, barbie dolls,plus seeking such logical help can be said

(20:59):
to be feminized as well, seemingthe purview more of women. Finally,
and here comes my degree again.The assessment tests currently use for screening for
eating disorders use gender biased language,which can lead to more discomfort and therefore
barriers to treatment Before treatment even begins. I breathe in slowly. Food is

(21:26):
life. I exhale, take anotherbreath. Food is life. And that's
the problem. When you're alive,people can hurt you. It's easier to
crawl into a bone cage or asnow drift of confusion. It's easier to

(21:49):
lock everyone and everybody out. Butit's a lie luray house. Anderson went
to Girls and so I introduce EliSeroda, my friend, and the podcast
are behind but Not So Crazy podcast. I've Blizzard the Wizard and Eli.

(22:17):
I'm recording and I'm ready to gowhenever you are, okay, So you
can just tell me again, howspecially eating to sort of this week got
your attention? Well, I mean, I guess it was the first one
after my recovery and stuff. Thiswas the moment where, you know,
I went to Facebook and I youknow, went public, I guess about

(22:38):
my eating. That sort of madeit Facebook official, as our generation would
call it. So it's always justkind of had this significance for me of
you know, just being open aboutit, because I do feel like for
men, you know, it's importantto share our stories because it's such a
stigma about eating disorders. How it'smostly for females to go through, but
men do it as well. Sowhenever I can get an opportunity during I

(23:00):
guess it's almost like an excuse aswell. I kind of talk about it.
I'm about the dude likes to bringup my opinions about stuff a lot,
so when this week comes around,I kind of, yeah, it
gives me an excuse. I kindof do that sort of stuff. Yeah.
Yeah, And it seems feeling accessiblelyeach So there is working out and

(23:21):
use supplements right now. If you'regonna do it, then you're hiding the
gym, man, you know sostraight? Hey man, it's just the
way we're growing up. You know. The girls have the barbies, the
guys have these like super Jack toys. We all play with just from our
youth or taught these or the idealbodies. Yeah, so you told me

(23:47):
about how it started in front ofyour home, right, correct. My
mom had some struggles before I waseven born, And I know there are
studies I show that eating sort ofour genetics, So my grandma might have
gone through it. My kids,who knows, they might be more likely
just because they have my my geneticsin them. You know, if she

(24:14):
was actively struggling why she was pregnantwith you or I do not know that.
I never really asked her about that. When I was in the hospital
though, there was a girl whowas pregnant and being hospitalized, So I
know it does. It does happento people, And I mean I can
understand, you know, when you'reso worried about your weight, all sudden
you have to eat so much morebecause there's another body inside of you,
and that could probably be a hugetrigger for some people. Oh yeah,

(24:38):
so much extra body stuff going on. Yeah, and there's just so much
you don't have control over too.And that's another thing about eating disorders is
for some people it's about that controlof having you know, in a world
we have such a little control,that's one thing they can have control over.
Yeah, that's when it was forme, It really was ford or

(25:00):
that it was a mutual. Youkind of told me a little bit about
your story, and I mean,that's like one thing I'm always afraid of
because I'm Jewish and a lot ofthe Jewish holidays evolved fasting and I've and
since my recovery, I haven't doneit because I'm always nervous if I go
through a day of fasting without eatingand I'm like, oh, I could
do it, that's easy. It'sgonna kick start all those thoughts again.

(25:21):
So I mean you mentioned that,like, yeah, that's how I'm That's
one of my biggest fears and whyI don't fast at all. Yeah.
For me, it's been difficult beingradically ill for the same reason because my
judge my body, and I haveto track my food. And for a
long time I struggled with that becauseit made me so uncomfortable to write down

(25:48):
everything. I mean, for everythingto body. But it's been a real
blessing because it's taught me how tocelebrate, taking care to talk about instead
of obsessing about it. Right.Yeah, And I've learned how to be
okay with me because you know,I'm LA, but my god, I'm

(26:11):
alive. You know, I've gotthese disorders, but I'm alive, man.
You know. Yeah, There's somuch more to look for than just
you're out, you know, externalappearance. You know, you gotta be
happy with who you are on theinside. And that was one of my
big struggles, was just I wantedto be liked so badly because I didn't
really like myself and I needed thatvalidation from other people. But I mean,

(26:32):
with my podcast and just all thisstuff I do, it's all about,
you know, who's Eli being ableto say, you know, I'm
Eli, and I'm okay with thatbecause Eli is a good He's a great
human being. You know, there'snothing wrong with being me that we talked
about, you know before the differenttypes you were strictly interact and I was

(26:55):
like running a lot on top ofjust not eating that much. It's a
little bit of both. We didn'tstart for you and how you well,
I mean, the seeds were plantedgrowing up, Like you know, with
my mom, she was always,know, whatever the diet of the week
was, she was trying those things. She was always chasing that skinny.
And my dad was always saying,you know, let's go to Jimmy.
Oh don't eat that fried if youdon't eat that chocolate. You know.

(27:18):
So he was just kind of makingme feel fat in my whole life.
And then the summer in between myfreshman and sophomore year of college, just
naturally I lost some weight, andpeople at college and girls and stuff,
they were starting to notice like,oh wow, you know, you look
good, you lost some weight,and it just kind of just society.
We all want that feeling when peoplecompliment you on your looks. And I
started chasing that more and more,and then I goes slow until my junior

(27:42):
year. The next year it gotreally bad. I got out of control
there and then it ended with mebeing in the hospital the summer in between
my junior and senior year of college. So that was the summer of twenty
thirteen. Wow. See you wentfrom freshman year of high school too?

(28:10):
Oh no, sorry, freshman andsophomore year of college was when it started.
Like when Like so it was likea year and a half, two
years, I guess two years waswhen from start to hospitalize. Wow,
what was hospital life? That wasnever hospitalized? I mean it's somehow food
struck my way out of it.That's I have such respect for you because

(28:33):
I don't know if I would havebeen able to do it without you know,
that process. Although it was actuallyyou know, admitting to myself and
like when I you know, becauseI was at that point I had to
be I had to you know,what's the termament? Like I had to
write it down. I think myparents couldn't force me to go in at
that point because of my age.So you know, I was sitting in

(28:55):
like a therapist office with my therapistand my parents. They were just you
know, breaking down the walls andlike when I I admitted that, you
know, I need I gotta goto the hospital, because my thing I
was always you know, oh I'mbad. I'm never going to be in
the hospital. So that was kindof like that broken moment, you know,
and then that's I was able toget better, and then the hospital
I was ready. And I meanthere are so many just everyone in there.

(29:15):
We all everyone, you know,everyone's stories different, but we all
just had those similarities. So everyonewas able to connect with each other.
And there's a lot of group therapysessions where we all to share our stories.
You know. Everyone was just doingart stuff and it was very creative
environment, which I really liked.I was able to do some good doodles.
I tried doing some poems and stuff. There are just great people in

(29:36):
there, and I always saw newpeople come in and old people leaven.
You're always happy when you see peopleleave, but some people just get so
accustomed to it. Their whole livesare just in and out. Of hospitals.
It's sad that there are a coupleof people that were you know,
like third or fourth trips in thehospital. Wow, yeah, we're you

(29:56):
the only male there. There wasone other kid. He was in high
school and he didn't think he hadany problems, but he was only in
there like a week right there,actually a weekend while I was there.
He was gone pretty quickly. Sofor the majority of it, I was
the only male. The other girl'sreact to you, they were they were

(30:19):
all really nice to me. Theywere kind. I mean, I think
it's crazy, but this facility waskid friendly. So there was like ten
year olds in the hospital, whichI mean at that age, like they
don't understand what's going on with them. Like one of them was I talked
to. They were they kind oflooked up to me a little bit.
And I mean, now like fouryears later, they starting to understand a
little bit more like the feelings thatyou know, it's not just like the

(30:41):
dark boogie man, it's you know, something's going on in their life.
And I mean a ten years oldthey can't comprehend that stuff. So to
be in the hospital is I mean, geez, yeah, wow. Any
outreach are talking one about you know, this week in your experience, dude,

(31:07):
suck her career therapist. Man,I feel like I'd have to go
back to school and get some degreesfor that stuff. They're just way too
much reading and I mean doing thatstuff. I mean, you gotta have
like a mental strength to be ableto talk to these people, and just
some of their stories are just youknow, there's so much going on in
their lives and just yeah, Imean my mom's a therapist, Dan,

(31:30):
I don't mean she does like kidsand art therapy and stuff. So just
to hear those young kids, youknow, sharing their lives stories and how
sad they are, I mean,yeah, I think you gotta be a
really easy, you know, specialperson to be able to handle all that
sort of stuff. Yeah, wellbefore I was, before became disabled,
and there's the passion where you taketoo much on people, right, kind

(32:01):
of imagine that wouldn't be especially difficultthe disorders. M h. I mean,
it wouldn't be nice at some pointto be able to do like like
a public talk like hey guys,you'll go like to a college or something.
That's where when I experienced any timejust do almost like a Q and

(32:21):
a with it. I work outof college, so every year I'm amoys
like, all right, I'm gonnareach out to them. I'm gonna do
it. I always chicken. Imean, this is the first year I'm
kind of doing, like, youknow, a bunch of podcasts talking about
it. So hopefully I'm a littlebit more confidence and then next year I'll
be able to do something and youcan use the podcast as part of your
portfolio, like check this out guys, right, I think that would be

(32:43):
great because the college inside of theoffice. Yeah, I mean, there
needs to be more visibility for guysbecause, like I said, there's even
with the guys that have even disorders, version to look to them. Yeah,
but you can, but it hasto be masculine, right, and
it's it's hard for men to beopen about this sort of stuff. Do

(33:07):
you have any friends that are friendsor peers? I mean, no one's
ever told me they've had one before. And I'm not the type of person
going to like judge people, like, oh, you know, everyone's got
their own stories and I'm not tryingto judge people or anything. So if

(33:29):
no one tells me, I'm notgoing to be able to know. But
so I definitely, I'm probably gotwork the only one. But I mean,
this this point in my life,I'm kind of I mean, it's
still on my mind all the time. You know. If I'm like,
oh, I'm so busy, Icanny, I got to ask myself,
am I really busy? Or arethese are those thoughts coming back? And
like those around. But as faras the eating goes, that's gotten a
lot easier. And like I sometimesI guess, yeah, I just go

(33:52):
and eat whatever I'm in the moodfor. I'm not looking online at nutritional
information. It's like, all right, what's got the at least amount of
calories? What's gotten no fat,I just I'm like, I'm with it
for this. I'm gonna go eatthis. Yeah that's wonderful. Yeah,
that's it's a good feeling when yourealize that, when you see that you're
saving i'd stay back. I loveyou to exactly. Yeah, it is

(34:14):
a good feeling. Yeah, AndI've been able to see channel of the
drives into taking care of myself.Like or you're ben't obsessed about something,
well, how about your obsessed trackabout tracking your pains? How about you're
obsessed about tracking your you know,your supplement in nutrition, re channel that

(34:35):
something like you know, yeah,you've got a lot going on track that,
but sometimes you know, you can't. You can't make me obsessive,
go win with it's part of yournature, but you can make it positive.
Yeah. But yeah, for me, it was it was cot little

(35:00):
remember about food is bad, veryday of that, and it really started
by active m Yeah remember I was, And it was a day I was
I had no water, had anything. I didn't think you do that,

(35:21):
and that's how I started to actuallyyeah, I mean that's one of them.
I guess you kind of like youknow, like right where it started
for something, you know, younever think, I, oh, I'm
just gonna go through an eating thesword. It just like the world wasn't
even in my head till junior yearwhen my parents saw a picture of me.
This was like a year after Iwas doing this stuff. Like you
we think you might haven't eating thesword. I mean, up until that
point, that word was never evenyou know in my head. I didn't

(35:43):
even think about it. Yeah.Yeah. My mom being a therapist definitely
was good, you know, becauseshe was able to pick up, like
she saw some stuff that was definitelya huge help, but sometimes it made
it worse because more they tried tohelp, you know, it's like,
oh they're doing this, I gottado this stuff to balance it out and

(36:04):
balancing out men, you know,not eating more, you know, going
for longer runs and stuff. Sountil I got to that point where you
know, that bottom bottom bottom,Like, the more they tried to help,
the worse it got, just becauselike that voice in your head's telling
you this stuff, and it's isolatingyou from so many people. Like I
lost so many friends that you know, during the that junior year when it
got really bad, just because thesewere people that knew me before that you

(36:25):
need disorder. So I was like, oh, they're gonna know something's wrong.
You know. I don't want tothose judgmental eyes on me and stuff.
So I was like, oh,so I started isolating myself and making
friends who didn't know me before,because then they're just thinking, oh,
this is just you. I there'snothing odd about this behavior. You think
you as friends because it's I youisolating yourself or mean, do you think

(36:49):
of alling you? I Mean it'sa two way street, you know.
I mean if I wasn't you know, And I was like you know,
isolating myself a lot and just nottalking to them, and they might have
tried to communicate with me, andthen I just kind of not ignored them.
It's like, oh I can't today, guys. Sorry. You know,
I saw some people that you know, senior year of college. I
was trying to talk to them andit was hard. I mean I kind

(37:10):
of built some bridges back up withsome of the people, but there are
some of them that I just couldn'tdo it, you know. Yeah,
but it's it's a shame sometimes,like what you do damage to more than
just yourself and you go through thesesort of things. M hm, oh
absolutely, Like well is there anything, um, what would I don't know,

(37:37):
what would you if you could talkto your younger stuff before you started,
just that you know, no one'sagainst you. People aren't, you
know, trying to sabotage you.If they're trying to help you, you
know they're they're trying to help you. They care about you. They don't
want to see you die because youknow that's oh, it's the ending point

(37:58):
because the more you do that stuff, the more your body is not working
properly because it's not getting the rightyou know, it's not getting enough energy.
It's not getting you know, itneeds food, and like your brain
starts getting twisted because your brain's notgetting the proper nourishment. So it's twisted
and it's thinking everything's against you andit's trying to, you know, keep
you alone. But I mean justthat that's not real. Like as soon

(38:19):
as I think in the hospital,as soon as it's getting better and my
brain was working properly, I waslike, wow, what was I doing?
Why was I doing this stuff?This is crazy? What were these
thoughts? I mean, how didI think this was normal? So you
know, it's not normal these thoughts. Your brain's not getting the proper nourishment.
So you know, trust these people. They want to help you,
they want to see you get better. And eating is in the end of
the world. You know, there'snothing to be afraid of. It.

(38:40):
Food perfect, It's absolutely perfect.You said that, you mentioned that facts
the fast any other way interfering inyour gaining life stuff? Um, hm,

(39:04):
not as much anymore. I mean, I mean I guess sometimes you
know, it's it's always like oddmy mind, but it's not you know,
I just got I'm always nervous aboutstuff and I'm just a nervous human
being. But sometimes before it's beenbusy and I'm not eating as much,
I gotta beck, hey, youknow, let's you know, let's go
get something, you know, let'sget some wings, let's you know,
let's eat. You know. There'snothing wrong with eating. You gotta keep

(39:24):
that stuff in. Yeah, justtrying to keep the three meals a day
and snack sometimes, just trying tokeep all that stuff. I guess that's
just the main thing, Just makingsure I'm still eating and always having food
and stuff, never starving or anything, never subconscious about going out to eat
with other people. Right now,it's more just financial stuff like oh do

(39:47):
I have the money to go getsomething nice and expensive? Or I have
to just make a sad much tosave some money. That was are the
only food problems I have these days. It's not about you know what,
It is just about how much costs. Those are the numbers now. Yeah,
well, Um, is there anythingI have to ask you that you
want to say? Oh? Man, um hmm, not sure. I

(40:15):
don't know. I mean, I'mstill getting used to all this trying to
talk about I like to talk aboutit. I'm just not good at like
questions and stuff. And You've beendoing a good job of asking questions and
hopefully I've been answering them. Allright, yes you do you have any
questions for me? Oh? Imean, I know you said it was

(40:36):
about the control and stuff. Imean, do you still have those days
where you're, you know, gottathink about and make Hey, you know
we are not eating enough? Doyou still have those ordered days? You
know, all these years later?I do because I have so little over
my body right, especially with havingnerle stas um earth stamles. Is it

(40:57):
disordered college in college journals and everon my body system, which means that
I have them controller more my bodydoes. And battle trigger, oh yeah,
I can't plan for a day.You know. I planned to be
here, but I didn't know whatmy world was going to look like.
When I replied this wanted, Ididn't know I could be here, you

(41:20):
know. Yeah, And so sometimesbattle trigger is like, well I can't
control what I eat, you know, And so I just actively worked on
that well too, Baddy, becauseyou don't need to get worse. So
I know, I kind of talkedabout that moment where I realized no,
I was like, right, youknow, when I meant I had to

(41:40):
go to the hospital. What wasyour moment? We were like, you
know, I gotta get better.This is not normal. M It wasn't
one moment. It was I thinka series of moments. Strangely enough,
when men tried made that like youknow, I'm a graduate school and but

(42:06):
what a cheat on me? Um. And then then when my first time
that afused me. There was justmoments when someone else was as mean or
mean or to me, then Iwas being to myself kind of woke me
under, got my attention over andover. Wow, wow, you know,

(42:28):
somebody needs to be kind to me, you know. Yeah, So
it was just it was a processabsolutely wakened me up, and it helped
up I am incredible store. Ithink that's me. I think there'f I
worth is stover. I think done. But yeah, it was just a

(42:49):
series of the manners with being somean to me that it helped at tensions,
the fact that well there's nobody inthis room being invested me, you
know, And did any of themI ever noticed that about your Did any
of them ever noticed you're eating thisorder? Were they just so consumed with
themselves that they completely ignored it,um they noticed. I think they kind

(43:12):
of used it for their advantage.Wow. You know if I was weak,
then they could they you know,they could better further agenda, you
know, if I was sick.Yeah, you know, if I felt
bad about myself there, thank you, Nick. It's horrible. Yeah.
I was a very good at pickingmen in my twenties. Yeah. And

(43:38):
my boyfriend is undergrad encouraged it.Really. Yeah. He would ever remember
uh one specific time, you know, I would not eat, but they
were. I was a perching theinteract said not eat, but they were.
I did. I would perch.And I remember telling him that I'd

(44:01):
eat the sucker spart and made mysubstect and he just converted me, and
you know, you won't do thatagain. And I kind of remember feeling
I'm not sure if he means thepurging or to eating the sucker spar of
course, yeah, I mean evenat the time, like, I'm not

(44:21):
sure what he means, you know, so I kind of picked people that's
fed into it. I mean's unconsciously. I mean that's unconsciously or you know
the game. But I think thathelped to help me get better in a
way, like I said, becausethey started being worse than I was.

(44:44):
And the contrast should and sotimes thatthey get completely broken in order to start
fixing yourself. I mean, yeah, you reach out low with slow and
then you know all you can dois just getting up in your getting better.
Exactly, exactly Again, twenties andearly thirties weren't cute, but they

(45:05):
made me this, and maybe theymade me strong enough to handle being disabled.
Everything happened for better, for worse. Everything always does happen for a
reason, foundation exactly. So.A cat's over here right now. She's
kind of sitting on the computer.What's her name? Her full name is
Blizzard the Wizard. She doesn't acceptBlizzard h Wizard. Oh she's a good

(45:32):
little kitty though. Well she wantsattention. She gets attention, aren't you,
little kitty? Yeah? Well,is there anything else you want me
to know that we haven't covered?Um, not that I can really think
of. I mean, I thinkwe hit all the points you ask him,

(45:55):
good questions, We talked, hada good time. I'm not the
most social person, as if youheard, like, I probably mumble a
lot here and I do apologize forthat. My Oh, I'm socially opportunity.
I'm home a lot here be disabled, so I'm yeah, I'm mostly

(46:19):
I'm an introvert as well. Mostof my interactions are with my little kittie.
We have Shenanigans together, all right. Well, yeah, I had
a really good time. I'm gladwe were able to do this yours.
I mean, you're just do goodstories like this, and I want I'm
glad I was able to get throughthis story on heres as well. Yeah,
I'm looking forward to this together.Thank you so much, of course,
thank you. All right. Iam spinning the silk threads of my

(46:44):
story, weaving the fabric of myworld. I spun out of control.
Eating was hard, Breathing was hard, Living was hardest. I wanted to
swallow the bitter seeds to forget us. Somehow I dragged myself out of the
dark, and I asked for help. I spin and weave and knit my

(47:07):
words and visions until a life startsto shake shape. There is no magic
care now making it go all wayforever. There's only small steps outward,
an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.

(47:29):
I'm thawing. Laurie house Anderson WinterGirls If you are currently struggling, or
if you have in the past butthis episode triggered feelings and you just need
to talk to someone, Please callthe Eating Disorders hotline at eight hundred nine
three one two two three seven orzero one four nine four seven nine three

(47:57):
two two three in the UK andone three hundred five fifty two three six
in Australia. These numbers and theclick through to the online hotline chat and
email are both in the show notesfor this episode. Just look at the
episode's description in your podcatcher app.Thank you for listening. Always be looking

(48:22):
up for cupcakes. Please don't beafraid to eat one, and I'll see
you next week. Love you,

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

24/7 News: The Latest

Dateline NBC

The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Social Appetites: 83

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}24/7 News: The Latest

Dateline NBC

The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show

All Episodes

Social Appetites: 83

24/7 News: The Latest