April 29, 2025 • 40 mins
Have a question for Mista Yu? Text the show and he’ll answer it personally.
Parenting teenagers can feel like navigating an emotional minefield where traditional discipline suddenly stops working. What happens when the close connection you once had with your child seems to vanish behind slammed doors and eye rolls?
This episode tackles uncomfortable truths rarely discussed, like those moments when you simply don't like your child. This perspective shift alone can transform how parents approach difficult conversations.
Ready to transform your relationship with your teenager? Visit Jeanine's website for her free guide featuring five conversation-starting questions that can help reduce arguments and open meaningful dialogue with your teen today.
• Transitioning from parenting young children to guiding teenagers requires new communication approaches
• Discipline becomes problematic when it crosses into excessive control and "my way or the highway" thinking
• Understanding that children process information differently can reduce parent anxiety about their methods
• Teenage behavior problems are often symptoms of deeper struggles that need compassionate exploration
• When parents feel triggered by teen behavior, pausing before reacting creates space for productive conversation
• Approaching teens with curiosity rather than correction helps maintain connection during difficult phases
• Recognizing when you don't like your child's behavior while remembering they are fundamentally good
• Communication skills from dialectical behavioral therapy can transform parent-teen relationships
• Shifting from trying to fix behavior to understanding emotions creates stronger connections
• Asking questions instead of making statements opens doors to meaningful conversation
Visit Janine's website at: https://www.jeaninemouchawar.com/ for free resources, including her guide with five questions to help reduce arguments and open conversations with your teenager.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Welcome back to One-on-One with Mr U.
Of course, I'm your host, mr U,in studio with us today.
Janine Mouchoir, parentingCoach, so we're excited about
having you here, janine.
We had an awesome talk in ourpre-interview chat.
How are you?
Is all well and good with MeganWoods.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
All is well.
We've got a beautiful day insunny Southern California, oh
good.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Sunny California.
Well, how nice for you.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Okay, yeah, it's so nice to be here, Yusuf.
Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Same here, same here.
Pleasure's mine.
So let's go ahead and get intoa few things here.
We had an awesome chat andhopefully we can get into all
the things that I wanted to askyou about.
Hopefully we have time for it,but let's kind of start off with
your upbringing, yourbackground.
Where do you come from?
What was your childhood like?
Give us a little bit of a sneakpeek into that.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Oh sure, yeah, Thanks for asking.
I'm originally from SouthernCalifornia, so was lived in
Northern California for about adecade and then came back down,
had a really nice childhood.
Thanks for asking.
And then, yeah, I met myhusband.
We got married, had threechildren and I ended up where I
(01:33):
am now as a parenting coach,because it felt like once my
kids hit the teenage years, lifegot really messy and really
hard.
Teenage years life got reallymessy and really hard and I was
just noticing that the way I wasparenting wasn't really being
(01:53):
as effective as I wanted it tobe.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
And.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I felt like, instead of really maintaining that
connection that I had with mykids when they were younger, it
felt like they were pulling away, and part of that, of course,
is normal for the teenage years.
But it was really important tome, having these three children,
that not only could I help themthrough the challenges of high
(02:20):
school and college, but I wassetting you know, our situation
up, where we felt close andconnected for many years to come
.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
So, yeah, that's kind of me and I just when I
realized I just the strategiesand the, the way I was kind of
leading with punishments anddiscipline and consequences and
like that that wasn't reallyworking to really effectively
help them and to stay close, Ithought there's, there's just
(02:52):
gotta be a better way.
So I went searching for newparenting approaches and
strategies because I think, youknow, we can always although I
had an amazing childhood,although I had an amazing
childhood I think we can alwayswork to improve on how we're
connecting with our children andreally guiding them and
teaching them.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
I like that.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
That's what I do now.
I'm a parenting coach.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
I love this.
I know there's a lot of peoplethat are listening that have
different childhood andings andstories to go with it.
So for everybody that'slistening and watching Janine
and I on this episode today, ifyou have any questions about her
approach to parenting andtechniques, maybe it's things
that you may want to implement.
By all means, drop yourcomments and or questions right
(03:40):
here in the live chat.
We answer those while we'rehere live together.
Also, you know I'm a big fan ofa disciplined lifestyle.
I know the importance of it.
I know how it works.
I thank my mother for instillingthat in me because I think I
have a sneak peek of what Iwould have been had I not had
(04:00):
that.
So I'm not against that at all,but I totally get that.
You know, sometimes we have tohave different approaches
because you know, we're complexpeople and, by extension, our
children are complex too.
We got three daughters my wifeand I and we've seen that Even
down to our grandchildren.
(04:20):
We got six of those and we justseen parenting, parenting style
it does vary on most people,but I'm excited to hear what
you've been doing.
There's so many things I wantto get into, but one of the
things that you and I weretalking about were, but before
we do you.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Can I piggyback on what you were talking about?
Of course, of course, of course, thank.
I am a disciplined person aswell, and so I'm really glad you
touched on that, because Idon't want to give the
impression that havingdiscipline in your life and
helping your children developthe tools of discipline is wrong
(05:01):
or not effective wrong or noteffective.
But what I noticed is thatoftentimes what happened with
myself and a lot of clients thatI have is the discipline turns
into excessive control, likeexerting your power over your
(05:22):
children.
Right, it has to be this wayand this way only.
Right that there's a real clearright and wrong, and it feels
scary to leave room for the factthat you might be able to do
things many different ways.
So, for example, when my kidswere in high school, I had one
(05:46):
child who operated very muchlike me.
Right, you knew what you weregoing to do, you planned it in
advance, you left room and timefor multiple drafts on your
essay.
Right, very disciplined andthought out.
I had another child who itterrified me because she didn't
(06:08):
function that way.
She was, in my eyes, a completeprocrastinator and didn't write
the essay until the nightbefore.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Oh, goodness Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I can't relate.
It was really, reallychallenging and I know I'm not
alone on this because I'vecoached other clients about this
issue as well.
But what I learned because sheended up still getting straight
A's is ah, there's not one rightway to do things.
(06:39):
There are multiple ways, andwhat I saw in myself and what
I've observed in some clients issometimes the discipline thing
takes us in a direction that'snot helpful.
Wait, am I teaching disciplineright now in terms of staying
(07:05):
organized and staying on top ofit and building up grit and
building up frustration,tolerance or am I teaching
discipline?
in terms of it has to be my wayor the highway.
I just kind of wanted to zoomin on that a little quick
(07:26):
because you had reflected thatdisciplines worked well for you
and you've shared that with yourchildren.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah, well, absolutely the procrastination
part.
That's something I can't relateto.
I think the stress that I feelit's just me talking now
speaking about Mr you the stressthat I feel waiting to the near
last minute is frustrating.
There's been times I've beenasked to speak at a particular
(07:56):
event and they didn't give me alot of time to prepare.
The stress levels they weresuper high.
I'm like, okay, I don't evenget two weeks.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I don't even get one week.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
So I'm thinking procrastination, for me, is
totally not the answer.
I'd love to know how they do it, just to get a view into their
mind.
How do you wait until the nightbefore and still get straight
A's?
Do you know how she did it?
Believe?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
me.
I asked Did you?
Speaker 1 (08:24):
have technique.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Because I was so blown away.
I said I was like I really needto understand this on a deeper
level, because I was noticing Iwas having anxiety, I was
panicking, and then I wasbasically vomiting my panic and
anxiety onto her.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
And that did not work well at all.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
No, I did ask her and it was fascinating.
She said it's not that I'm notthinking about it, mom.
It's just that the way it worksbest for me is to take a topic
and to let it like percolate inmy mind and I'm thinking about
it throughout my day and it'sformulating in my mind versus,
(09:15):
if I do it your way, mom right,I'm not ready to put words to a
paper two weeks in advance andthen, as I edited, edited, edit,
it really just takes the wholelife out of my essay.
And she just said that's how herbrain works and she's better to
(09:38):
just let it percolate,percolate, and then she just
gets it all down and it comesout great the first time, which
is not the way I work.
But I think the lesson here isjust to to understand and to
realize that your children mightnot function exactly as you do
(10:01):
and that to ourselves there's noone right way.
There's just the way that worksfor us.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, I feel even more weird now after hearing
this explanation because I don'twant to last minute, but I'm
not pen to paper right awayeither.
I am a processor to thefrustration of people in my life
and in my household.
Do you have an answer yet?
I'm like, no, I'm stillprocessing this, I'm still
(10:31):
thinking about what I heard.
I'm not ready to give adiagnosis, if you will, or an
evaluation of what I heard.
It takes me a while to processstuff.
So in that regard, I get it.
Let's get into more about theparenting part.
I think that you know a lot offolks listening and I hear some
things, some stories, people whoI know are part of our
(10:52):
listenership and they kind ofjust feel like you know what
they're cool, winging it.
They grew with, just kind ofyou know doing what they know
and if something happens they'llcross that bridge when they get
to it.
But it feels like you were moreintentional about trying to, I
guess, address and attack theissue head on.
(11:12):
Is that what I understood fromour pre-interview chat?
yes it's okay.
So talk.
So talk to me about why youfelt like you.
You need to do that when somany others that we both know
kind of have the wing itapproach and they're not.
They're not panicking untilit's time to panic.
I guess you could say yeah yeah, no, I hear you.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
I mean I, you know, I think we, we all wing it to
some degree because we were, wenever attended parenting classes
.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Yeah, so so you were never taught how to parent.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
So really that leaves us winging it, and the winging
it tends to come from how wewere raised, because it's really
the only exposure that we'vehad to parenting.
Okay, Okay, and so you know, noshame on winging it.
(12:10):
I think that's what we're allleft doing, unless we
intentionally look for newstrategies and new ways to
parent.
Okay, and started attendingparenting classes is because my
(12:30):
relationship with my kids wasn'twhat I wanted, right?
So with one child, we argued onall the time and it turned into
massive explosions and you knowlike it ended with slam doors
or eye rolls or right all thatstuff that really feels
disrespectful to parents, youknow.
(12:52):
With another child, you knowthere was a lot of anxiety and a
lot of stress and I, although Igrew up in a home where I
learned how to listen, I wasn'tlistening deeply enough and able
to really constructively helpthe anxiety and the stress pass.
(13:13):
And so, although I waslistening, I'm noticing that
what I'm doing isn't reallyhelping get rid of this anxiety
and stress.
It's just still percolating andif anything, it's hampering my
child's development.
Anything it's, it's, it'shampering my child's development
(13:34):
, and so you know all that.
To say that and I had one thatwas a little quieter, so it was
just that I was noticing thathow I was showing up as a parent
, the way I was parenting,wasn't like my goal as a parent
was to help my kids be the bestversion of themselves, and what
I was noticing is what I wasdoing wasn't fostering that to
(13:54):
the extent that I wanted it to.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And so that's why I went and sought out additional
resources.
Does that answer your question?
Speaker 1 (14:04):
It does answer the question.
I got several more, so I'mhoping we can get through this
and get into some of thesequestions.
I don't want to leave anythingout because they're really good.
I think your answers are goingto be great.
One thing I want to ask youalso is you know if you can for
us briefly describe the processin which you parental coach, if
(14:26):
you will, and why you think theprocess works?
I'm asking that that's kind ofa two part question there.
What's the process, briefly,and why do you think it works?
I'm asking that because, likeyou said a little while ago, we
didn't have any coaching books.
I don't, I don't.
I don't recall any at all withany of the three of our
daughters.
I don't recall any availabilityof that kind of a resource.
So I'm saying so, we had topull a lot from what we had in
(14:52):
our own households when we werethe children.
I mean, it's low-hanging fruit,but that's what we had to pull
from.
And if you want to use theCosby Show as an example, I
guess you can use that as well.
I mean, I don't know whatpeople use as references.
I mean, I know I use that alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I talked about it in books and podcasts.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
I'm pretty transparent about it.
That was my model, because Ididn't have that makeup in my
household, so I pulled from that.
But I think one of the things Iwanted to just say here is that
every household is definitelydifferent and we're unique.
The parents are unique.
We have unique backgrounds.
We got things that are triggersfor us.
We got things that are triggersfor us.
We have things that aretriggers for the kids now
(15:31):
because of what they, what theyintake socially and through
media, et cetera.
So I'd love to hear you knowbriefly what your process is and
why you think it will work,generally speaking.
Anyway, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Yeah, thanks for asking.
I think the big aha I had whenI came into this work is
recognizing okay, I've got thisproblem right.
There's arguments, there'stension, there's conflict in the
home.
They're not listening.
They're making choices that arescaring me, you know, regarding
(16:12):
what they're watching on socialmedia or, you know, trying pot
or e-cigs or alcohol right,there's all these behaviors that
I think naturally worry andscare parents and scare parents,
and what I noticed and learnedis that what we tend to do when
(16:33):
we're worried and we're scaredand we're freaked out is we want
our kids to stop what they'redoing or to change what they're
doing.
Right, it applies to everything.
If they're disrespectful, wewant them to stop being
disrespectful.
If they're not studying anddoing their homework right, we
(16:55):
want that to change.
If they're lying to us, we wantto try to fix that.
And what happens with thatapproach for most of us is this
disconnection that we talkedabout.
Right, it turns into conflict.
I mean, you might have onechild who is very argumentative
(17:16):
and there's yelling and there'sscreaming, and then you might
not have another child who justtells you what they think you
want to hear, just to shut youup and walk away, right, but
it's some form of our child isdisconnecting from us and from
the conversation.
They're trying to shut it downbecause they don't like what
(17:40):
we're trying to do, which isstopping or fixing or changing
their behavior.
Right, Like you should reallyset your alarm when you wake up
in the morning so you get toschool on time, Right?
Or why aren't you telling methe truth?
I know you're lying to me.
You tried it, E-Cig, Just tellme.
Right, Any of these versions ofthings?
Like I looked in the schoolportal and you're missing six
(18:02):
assignments.
Like get off your phone andstart telling.
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Any of these things, I think, are very common, and so
, when we're leading with tryingto stop or fix or change their
behavior, versus now thatthey're teenagers, what they
really want is for us to listento them and to feel like we
really understand what's goingon deep down inside of them.
(18:33):
Are they not studying becausethey asked a question in class
and they're embarrassed becausetheir friends made fun of them,
right?
So now they're unmotivated tostudy, right?
So our challenge now, what theyneed from us, is really slowing
ourselves down and trying tounderstand what's going on
(18:55):
inside of them that's causingthe behavior that's freaking us
out.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
That's where my process came from.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
OK.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
And there's a few like main steps that we do but
to share on a podcast.
I'll try to make it reallybrief.
The first one is what youmentioned about being triggered.
I think we all are naturallyget triggered when our kids are
making bad choices, and whatmost of us do is that's when we
(19:28):
think it's like the best time togo talk to our kids.
Right, you're freaked out,you're worried, you're angry,
whatever you're feeling.
It doesn't feel good.
You want it to stop.
You think the way it'll stop isif I just tell my kid you know,
you have to, you know study forthe, the test, you need to put
(19:49):
your phone away, and that thatwill make us feel better.
But what happens is we getstuck in this horrible cycle of
we are triggered, we react, andthen our kid reacts to that and
the whole thing ends up in anargument or slam doors.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, I tried that you tried what.
I've tried that approach where Iwas telling them what they
needed to do because as dad Iknew better.
It took me a long and I'm nothappy about this because I'm a
little bit ashamed it took me along time in their development,
(20:31):
in their time in our home, tofigure out.
You know what.
It's better for me to askquestions than to make
statements Exactly, do you thinkthat this is a good idea?
Tell me why you think thishelped with the goal you said
you told me you had about yourcareer, your future.
Tell me how what you're doingright now helps toward that.
And so you know, and it doeslike your program does.
(20:54):
It does minimize the conflict,but the tension part is kind of
still there, like okay, now he'sdigging into a place where I'm
really uncomfortable now.
But this is what we have to be,because your behavior now
doesn't.
It's not conducive to what yousay you want.
No.
If you don, you want no.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
If you don't want anything.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Why don't you want anything?
We got to find out what theroot cause of all this stuff is,
but I love to go ahead.
Keep going, it's great.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Yeah, no, that's so insightful and I love how you
shared.
It took a long time.
Yeah, this stuff isn't easy,but it's doable.
And it starts with askingquestions no-transcript, right.
(21:46):
So let's say you again, like,see that they got a D on a test,
and then you naturally think Iknow exactly why they got a D on
that test.
Right, they were messing around, they're on their phone for
hours and then they didn't getenough sleep and your mind makes
all of these assumptions.
But when we do that, it doesn'thelp them actually do better on
(22:11):
the next test.
What does is getting curious whythey didn't do well in the
first place, and that's kind ofpiggybacking on what you said,
right?
So, starting to take whatyou're nervous or worried or
angry or scared about and try to, instead of telling them what
(22:33):
they need to do differently,asking them so what's the
struggle here?
Like I see you're struggling,right, you got a D on the test.
What's going on?
And trying to open upconversation so you can discover
, like you said, the root causeof the problem.
And when you get to the rootcause, all of a sudden you're
(22:58):
having a really differentconversation.
You're not saying, like youknow, give me your phone.
Instead you're saying oh okay,so you really don't understand
that concept in math.
God, that must feel reallyawful to feel like you don't get
it and maybe a littleembarrassing that you didn't do
well on the test.
Like what do you want to dodifferently to figure out how to
(23:22):
learn the information?
And really right, asking themfor their solution.
Our teenagers are craving,right, we all know they're
pulling away and they want theirindependence and they're
craving from us, almost likebeing a sounding board where
they can get out what they'refeeling, what they're thinking,
(23:45):
and then come up for themselveswith a different something to do
differently so they make abetter choice.
And so it's really just.
I help parents figure out howto do that and how to have that
kind of different conversation,because it's really that
conversation that's going tomake you feel better as a parent
(24:05):
.
You will feel more confidentbecause you see your child
engaging and talking to you andsharing with you, and it feels
good to them for you to askthese questions and for them to
feel like they can share withsomebody that they trust.
And then, all of a sudden, theywant to do it more because it
feels good.
(24:26):
It doesn't feel good to belectured, not for you, not for
me, not for anyone.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Absolutely Well.
We only have time for a fewmore questions.
See if we can try to get thesein here.
One of the things that youtalked about.
This is probably going to be atough one, but I want to get you
to speak to it like you did inour pre-interview chat.
But you know, as parents we dealwith a whole bunch of heavy
stuff in life.
Our kids don't even fullyunderstand all we deal with in
(24:57):
life, just all of the, like yousaid, the triggers and all the
things that we deal with in theworkplace and just adult stuff
that they don't have to fullyunderstand.
But when we come home, we wantto come home to a calm, peaceful
household.
It's just, it's our castle,it's our hideaway from the big
bad world outside.
We want to just have peace.
(25:18):
And I experienced something thatI want you to kind of talk
about.
You talked about what to dowhen you don't really like your
child.
I thought that was a powerful,powerful thought, because there
were times and my wife, if shewas here right now, she probably
would, she would probably be infull agreement there were some
times where and it wasn't anyparticular daughter per se, I
(25:40):
won't point them out, but sometimes we didn't like what we saw
, we didn't like our children,and there's a period of grief
that goes with that, becauseyou're losing the child you
remember or you once knew, oryou thought you knew, and now
you're seeing a whole differentperson.
So share your experience aboutnot liking what you've seen in
(26:01):
your teenager.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Yeah Well, thanks for sharing that as well.
I think it's hard to sharethose things.
We feel like we shouldn't saythat we're supposed to like.
I don't mind.
I'm good.
Yeah, I, you know.
I think the best place to startis and I'm so glad we're having
this conversation is, if any ofyour listeners feel that way to
(26:27):
to first recognize like you'renot a bad parent, there's
nothing wrong with you.
You and your child are in ajust human to human relationship
and in life there's people thatwe don't like, and that's right
, that's okay.
We are not surprised about that.
(26:48):
But sometimes it's really hardto like your child when you see
them making really poor choicesor you know you see them not
listening to you and you think,gosh, if you just listen to me,
right, life would be so mucheasier.
So I think we can get stuckright in those thoughts.
(27:09):
So I think we can get stuckright in those thoughts and to
me, you know, I would just offerone of the ways through that.
There are lots of differentways, but one of the ways
through that is to just slowyourself down and take a look at
your child and say you knowwhat my child's struggling right
now?
They're not a bad kid, they'renot a bad person, they're really
(27:34):
a good kid who's juststruggling right now to.
And then fill in the blankright, not lie, tell the truth,
be respectful, study enough, youknow, get off their phones, all
those things.
And I think, as soon as we cankind of look through the lens of
, okay, this is this is my childstruggling with a behavior
(27:58):
right now, and how can I helpthem with that?
That will create a shift insideyourself right there, right.
So it's like it's not this, oh,I can't stand my kid.
It's that.
Oh wait, something that they'redoing is really difficult right
now for me to watch and livewith, but to recognize that my
(28:22):
kid's really a good kid at heartwho's just struggling right now
.
And so one thing you know I'lloffer is sometimes it's great
just to come up with some sortof mantra or phrase that you can
say in your mind when yourchild's triggering you and
you're feeling like I don't likethis kid right now.
(28:42):
You know something like this isjust for today, not forever.
I use that one a lot, right?
Or gosh, you know they justhaven't figured out how to make
friends yet, right.
(29:03):
Or they just haven't figuredout how to tell me what they're
struggling with or frustratedwith or angry about in a
respectful way yet, right.
And so it's just trying to findsome ways to create some, some
room and get back into thatcompassionate, empathetic heart
(29:24):
that you have, because I knoweveryone has that.
Like we're their parents andyou know, like we've touched on
you want them to succeed and behappy and be a good character
and a good person, and I thinkmost of us you know we had kids
because we want to enjoy beingtogether and being close.
(29:45):
So hopefully a few of thoseideas, yeah, help out Absolutely
.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Absolutely One thing you mentioned also too, and I've
only got room for a couple morequestions.
Then we're going to go aheadand sign off and I'll have you
reach out to anybody how theycan reach out to you, I would
say.
But you mentioned about theinability to connect with one of
your children.
You and your husband had achallenge with that children.
You and your husband had achallenge with that.
(30:11):
Can you briefly share about youknow, when you noticed that you
weren't connecting and what youdid to kind of attempt to
remedy the situation.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, yeah, so what I was doing when we were
disconnecting is, you know hewas doing things that I
mentioned were worrying me.
Right, the grades were dropping.
He was in a friend group that Ididn't think was a good
influence.
He started smoking pot.
And as these behaviors werehappening and I got more and
(30:43):
more worried and freaked out, Iwas tightening the reins, right.
I was trying to control thesituation because I was so just
worried and scared and hurt, andyou know, so I was doing lots
of things, right, I took awayany access to money, I took away
(31:06):
any access to his car.
I, you know, was tracking himeverywhere he was going and if
he wasn't at school, I go driveand try to bust him ditching
school.
And I was just looking at myown behavior, going.
Wait, this is terrible and thisis not who I want to be.
(31:28):
And you know, there's, there'sgot to be a different way for me
to help him and for us to getback to that connection and
closeness we once had.
I mean, he was, you know, avery sweet boy and kind of to
what we talked about in the lastquestion you asked me.
It's like trying to connectback and realize that he is a
(31:50):
really sweet, kind kid who'sjust struggling right now with
some behaviors.
And so we actually went togetherto a parenting program and it
was based in dialecticalbehavioral therapy, which is a
big hodgepodge way to say.
(32:11):
You know.
We learned how to regulate ouremotions right, manage our
emotional reactivity whensomeone says something or does
something that triggers us.
We learned just interpersonalcommunication skills how do we
communicate with one another andreally listen to each other
(32:32):
actively listen to what's goingon and we learned mindfulness
skills right how to notice whatwe're thinking when we're
thinking not so kind thoughtsabout the other person, and how
to redirect our thoughts andreframe those things.
So these are just some of thetools that we learned.
(32:52):
Basically, if I had to pull back, they were new communication
skills, new language to use withone another that wasn't
triggering and where the otherperson really felt heard, and so
we went through this togetherand I just saw such an
incredible transformation in ourrelationship and my ability to
(33:17):
really help him.
That's when I just thought I'vegot to share this with as many
people as possible.
It's a shame that thesecommunication approaches and
this language that really workswith teenagers is not available
to the masses, and so thatreally is what inspired me to,
(33:41):
you know, coach moms and dadsone-on-one and help them get
this like deeper understandingof what's going on with their
teenager and how best tocommunicate with them so they
can really help them and feelthat you know, like you said, no
one wants to come home into ahouse that's filled with tension
(34:02):
and conflict and arguments.
It's like you've had a long,hard day.
You want to come home to a homethat's calm and peaceful.
You want to come home to a homethat's calm and peaceful and
what I guess I want youraudience to know is that's
completely possible if you justchange what you're saying and
your energy when you're talkinginto conversations with your
(34:25):
child right to feel more calmand more grounded when you enter
the conversation so you're notemotionally reactive, and then
really just to start turningyour worries, um, and things
that you want them to stop orchange, and starting that
conversation with really somecurious questions absolutely so.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
I'll ask one more question, and then I'll give you
a chance to let everybody knowwhere they can find your work.
Our final question for today Ifyou were not coaching and
parenting, what do you thinkyou'd be doing instead?
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Oh, oh wow.
What would I be doing instead?
I don't know if I've ever eventhought about that, yusef,
because I really, really lovewhat I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
When I'm not coaching .
Speaker 2 (35:16):
My kids are all young adults now, and so when I'm not
coaching, I do love to go dothings with them.
So my daughter lives in NewYork and I just came back from a
really long weekend with herand you know we ate yummy food.
I know you did Like thisincredible magic show, and just
(35:42):
to me.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
I saw some of the pictures.
I saw some of the pictures.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
It was amazing and I just I love the energy of New
York and just the differentpeople that you come across and
the conversations you have.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
The pizza.
Come on, yes, the pizza.
Don't forget that part that'sreally important the pizza.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
Yes, it's like yeah, California doesn't make pizza
like New York pizza.
So yeah, that's what I lovedoing.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
That's good.
I love this.
I love this.
Let everybody know where theycan find your work.
And also, at the end, once wesign off, I'd love for you to go
to our YouTube channel, ofcourse, where the episode is,
and, in the comments section,drop your links or anything that
you want to share.
That's beneficial to ourlisteners and your audience that
(36:35):
are watching via YouTube.
But for now, go ahead and sharewhere they can find your work,
and then we'll go ahead and signoff.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Thanks for asking Yusef.
Yeah, if you want to learn moreabout the things I was talking
about today, the best place tostart is my website, which is
just my name, and once you'rethere, there's free resources
and I think that's like a greatplace to start.
I'm also on Instagram andFacebook.
(37:02):
I have a Facebook group and onLinkedIn and I recently started
a YouTube channel uploading somevideos.
So excited to be doing thiswith you today.
But what I really would love tooffer your listeners we talked a
lot today about well, where canI start if I really want these
you know arguments to subsideand and have my child open up if
(37:26):
they're not talking at all?
And the best place to start andI'll put the link in the
comments is with a guide Icreated that has five questions
that you can ask your teenagertoday.
That will help the argumentssubside and conversation open up
.
So, if you are intrigued bywhat we talked about and you're
(37:48):
wondering, okay, but how do Itake something I'm really
worried and concerned about andask a question about it and
still get them to make a youknow change what they're doing?
This is a great place to start.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
That's fantastic.
Thank you for jumping on here.
This was a fantasticconversation.
I know that somebody's going tofind value with it.
Don't watch my YouTube channelif you don't mind.
Jeine, after we sign off, dropall the links and everything in
the comments section under theepisode so people can find your
work Again.
Pleasure to have met you hereand got to know you a little bit
(38:23):
.
You got a beautiful family andI love what you're doing, thank
you.
Thank you for being here anddoing this.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Thank you for having me my pleasure.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
My pleasure.
Well, janine and Mr, you wereout of here.
Thanks for watching andlistening.
Have a great day, guys.
Welcome back to One-on-One with Mr U.
Of course, I'm your host, mr U,in studio with us today.
Janine Mouchoir, parentingCoach, so we're excited about
having you here, janine.
We had an awesome talk in ourpre-interview chat.
How are you?
Is all well and good with MeganWoods.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
All is well.
We've got a beautiful day insunny Southern California, oh
good.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Sunny California.
Well, how nice for you.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Okay, yeah, it's so nice to be here, Yusuf.
Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Same here, same here.
Pleasure's mine.
So let's go ahead and get intoa few things here.
We had an awesome chat andhopefully we can get into all
the things that I wanted to askyou about.
Hopefully we have time for it,but let's kind of start off with
your upbringing, yourbackground.
Where do you come from?
What was your childhood like?
Give us a little bit of a sneakpeek into that.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Oh sure, yeah, Thanks for asking.
I'm originally from SouthernCalifornia, so was lived in
Northern California for about adecade and then came back down,
had a really nice childhood.
Thanks for asking.
And then, yeah, I met myhusband.
We got married, had threechildren and I ended up where I
(01:33):
am now as a parenting coach,because it felt like once my
kids hit the teenage years, lifegot really messy and really
hard.
Teenage years life got reallymessy and really hard and I was
just noticing that the way I wasparenting wasn't really being
(01:53):
as effective as I wanted it tobe.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
And.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I felt like, instead of really maintaining that
connection that I had with mykids when they were younger, it
felt like they were pulling away, and part of that, of course,
is normal for the teenage years.
But it was really important tome, having these three children,
that not only could I help themthrough the challenges of high
(02:20):
school and college, but I wassetting you know, our situation
up, where we felt close andconnected for many years to come
.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
So, yeah, that's kind of me and I just when I
realized I just the strategiesand the, the way I was kind of
leading with punishments anddiscipline and consequences and
like that that wasn't reallyworking to really effectively
help them and to stay close, Ithought there's, there's just
(02:52):
gotta be a better way.
So I went searching for newparenting approaches and
strategies because I think, youknow, we can always although I
had an amazing childhood,although I had an amazing
childhood I think we can alwayswork to improve on how we're
connecting with our children andreally guiding them and
teaching them.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
I like that.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
That's what I do now.
I'm a parenting coach.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
I love this.
I know there's a lot of peoplethat are listening that have
different childhood andings andstories to go with it.
So for everybody that'slistening and watching Janine
and I on this episode today, ifyou have any questions about her
approach to parenting andtechniques, maybe it's things
that you may want to implement.
By all means, drop yourcomments and or questions right
(03:40):
here in the live chat.
We answer those while we'rehere live together.
Also, you know I'm a big fan ofa disciplined lifestyle.
I know the importance of it.
I know how it works.
I thank my mother for instillingthat in me because I think I
have a sneak peek of what Iwould have been had I not had
(04:00):
that.
So I'm not against that at all,but I totally get that.
You know, sometimes we have tohave different approaches
because you know, we're complexpeople and, by extension, our
children are complex too.
We got three daughters my wifeand I and we've seen that Even
down to our grandchildren.
(04:20):
We got six of those and we justseen parenting, parenting style
it does vary on most people,but I'm excited to hear what
you've been doing.
There's so many things I wantto get into, but one of the
things that you and I weretalking about were, but before
we do you.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Can I piggyback on what you were talking about?
Of course, of course, of course, thank.
I am a disciplined person aswell, and so I'm really glad you
touched on that, because Idon't want to give the
impression that havingdiscipline in your life and
helping your children developthe tools of discipline is wrong
(05:01):
or not effective wrong or noteffective.
But what I noticed is thatoftentimes what happened with
myself and a lot of clients thatI have is the discipline turns
into excessive control, likeexerting your power over your
(05:22):
children.
Right, it has to be this wayand this way only.
Right that there's a real clearright and wrong, and it feels
scary to leave room for the factthat you might be able to do
things many different ways.
So, for example, when my kidswere in high school, I had one
(05:46):
child who operated very muchlike me.
Right, you knew what you weregoing to do, you planned it in
advance, you left room and timefor multiple drafts on your
essay.
Right, very disciplined andthought out.
I had another child who itterrified me because she didn't
(06:08):
function that way.
She was, in my eyes, a completeprocrastinator and didn't write
the essay until the nightbefore.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Oh, goodness Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I can't relate.
It was really, reallychallenging and I know I'm not
alone on this because I'vecoached other clients about this
issue as well.
But what I learned because sheended up still getting straight
A's is ah, there's not one rightway to do things.
(06:39):
There are multiple ways, andwhat I saw in myself and what
I've observed in some clients issometimes the discipline thing
takes us in a direction that'snot helpful.
Wait, am I teaching disciplineright now in terms of staying
(07:05):
organized and staying on top ofit and building up grit and
building up frustration,tolerance or am I teaching
discipline?
in terms of it has to be my wayor the highway.
I just kind of wanted to zoomin on that a little quick
(07:26):
because you had reflected thatdisciplines worked well for you
and you've shared that with yourchildren.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah, well, absolutely the procrastination
part.
That's something I can't relateto.
I think the stress that I feelit's just me talking now
speaking about Mr you the stressthat I feel waiting to the near
last minute is frustrating.
There's been times I've beenasked to speak at a particular
(07:56):
event and they didn't give me alot of time to prepare.
The stress levels they weresuper high.
I'm like, okay, I don't evenget two weeks.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I don't even get one week.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
So I'm thinking procrastination, for me, is
totally not the answer.
I'd love to know how they do it, just to get a view into their
mind.
How do you wait until the nightbefore and still get straight
A's?
Do you know how she did it?
Believe?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
me.
I asked Did you?
Speaker 1 (08:24):
have technique.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Because I was so blown away.
I said I was like I really needto understand this on a deeper
level, because I was noticing Iwas having anxiety, I was
panicking, and then I wasbasically vomiting my panic and
anxiety onto her.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
And that did not work well at all.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
No, I did ask her and it was fascinating.
She said it's not that I'm notthinking about it, mom.
It's just that the way it worksbest for me is to take a topic
and to let it like percolate inmy mind and I'm thinking about
it throughout my day and it'sformulating in my mind versus,
(09:15):
if I do it your way, mom right,I'm not ready to put words to a
paper two weeks in advance andthen, as I edited, edited, edit,
it really just takes the wholelife out of my essay.
And she just said that's how herbrain works and she's better to
(09:38):
just let it percolate,percolate, and then she just
gets it all down and it comesout great the first time, which
is not the way I work.
But I think the lesson here isjust to to understand and to
realize that your children mightnot function exactly as you do
(10:01):
and that to ourselves there's noone right way.
There's just the way that worksfor us.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, I feel even more weird now after hearing
this explanation because I don'twant to last minute, but I'm
not pen to paper right awayeither.
I am a processor to thefrustration of people in my life
and in my household.
Do you have an answer yet?
I'm like, no, I'm stillprocessing this, I'm still
(10:31):
thinking about what I heard.
I'm not ready to give adiagnosis, if you will, or an
evaluation of what I heard.
It takes me a while to processstuff.
So in that regard, I get it.
Let's get into more about theparenting part.
I think that you know a lot offolks listening and I hear some
things, some stories, people whoI know are part of our
(10:52):
listenership and they kind ofjust feel like you know what
they're cool, winging it.
They grew with, just kind ofyou know doing what they know
and if something happens they'llcross that bridge when they get
to it.
But it feels like you were moreintentional about trying to, I
guess, address and attack theissue head on.
(11:12):
Is that what I understood fromour pre-interview chat?
yes it's okay.
So talk.
So talk to me about why youfelt like you.
You need to do that when somany others that we both know
kind of have the wing itapproach and they're not.
They're not panicking untilit's time to panic.
I guess you could say yeah yeah, no, I hear you.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
I mean I, you know, I think we, we all wing it to
some degree because we were, wenever attended parenting classes
.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Yeah, so so you were never taught how to parent.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
So really that leaves us winging it, and the winging
it tends to come from how wewere raised, because it's really
the only exposure that we'vehad to parenting.
Okay, Okay, and so you know, noshame on winging it.
(12:10):
I think that's what we're allleft doing, unless we
intentionally look for newstrategies and new ways to
parent.
Okay, and started attendingparenting classes is because my
(12:30):
relationship with my kids wasn'twhat I wanted, right?
So with one child, we argued onall the time and it turned into
massive explosions and you knowlike it ended with slam doors
or eye rolls or right all thatstuff that really feels
disrespectful to parents, youknow.
(12:52):
With another child, you knowthere was a lot of anxiety and a
lot of stress and I, although Igrew up in a home where I
learned how to listen, I wasn'tlistening deeply enough and able
to really constructively helpthe anxiety and the stress pass.
(13:13):
And so, although I waslistening, I'm noticing that
what I'm doing isn't reallyhelping get rid of this anxiety
and stress.
It's just still percolating andif anything, it's hampering my
child's development.
Anything it's, it's, it'shampering my child's development
(13:34):
, and so you know all that.
To say that and I had one thatwas a little quieter, so it was
just that I was noticing thathow I was showing up as a parent
, the way I was parenting,wasn't like my goal as a parent
was to help my kids be the bestversion of themselves, and what
I was noticing is what I wasdoing wasn't fostering that to
(13:54):
the extent that I wanted it to.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And so that's why I went and sought out additional
resources.
Does that answer your question?
Speaker 1 (14:04):
It does answer the question.
I got several more, so I'mhoping we can get through this
and get into some of thesequestions.
I don't want to leave anythingout because they're really good.
I think your answers are goingto be great.
One thing I want to ask youalso is you know if you can for
us briefly describe the processin which you parental coach, if
(14:26):
you will, and why you think theprocess works?
I'm asking that that's kind ofa two part question there.
What's the process, briefly,and why do you think it works?
I'm asking that because, likeyou said a little while ago, we
didn't have any coaching books.
I don't, I don't.
I don't recall any at all withany of the three of our
daughters.
I don't recall any availabilityof that kind of a resource.
So I'm saying so, we had topull a lot from what we had in
(14:52):
our own households when we werethe children.
I mean, it's low-hanging fruit,but that's what we had to pull
from.
And if you want to use theCosby Show as an example, I
guess you can use that as well.
I mean, I don't know whatpeople use as references.
I mean, I know I use that alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I talked about it in books and podcasts.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
I'm pretty transparent about it.
That was my model, because Ididn't have that makeup in my
household, so I pulled from that.
But I think one of the things Iwanted to just say here is that
every household is definitelydifferent and we're unique.
The parents are unique.
We have unique backgrounds.
We got things that are triggersfor us.
We got things that are triggersfor us.
We have things that aretriggers for the kids now
(15:31):
because of what they, what theyintake socially and through
media, et cetera.
So I'd love to hear you knowbriefly what your process is and
why you think it will work,generally speaking.
Anyway, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Yeah, thanks for asking.
I think the big aha I had whenI came into this work is
recognizing okay, I've got thisproblem right.
There's arguments, there'stension, there's conflict in the
home.
They're not listening.
They're making choices that arescaring me, you know, regarding
(16:12):
what they're watching on socialmedia or, you know, trying pot
or e-cigs or alcohol right,there's all these behaviors that
I think naturally worry andscare parents and scare parents,
and what I noticed and learnedis that what we tend to do when
(16:33):
we're worried and we're scaredand we're freaked out is we want
our kids to stop what they'redoing or to change what they're
doing.
Right, it applies to everything.
If they're disrespectful, wewant them to stop being
disrespectful.
If they're not studying anddoing their homework right, we
(16:55):
want that to change.
If they're lying to us, we wantto try to fix that.
And what happens with thatapproach for most of us is this
disconnection that we talkedabout.
Right, it turns into conflict.
I mean, you might have onechild who is very argumentative
(17:16):
and there's yelling and there'sscreaming, and then you might
not have another child who justtells you what they think you
want to hear, just to shut youup and walk away, right, but
it's some form of our child isdisconnecting from us and from
the conversation.
They're trying to shut it downbecause they don't like what
(17:40):
we're trying to do, which isstopping or fixing or changing
their behavior.
Right, Like you should reallyset your alarm when you wake up
in the morning so you get toschool on time, Right?
Or why aren't you telling methe truth?
I know you're lying to me.
You tried it, E-Cig, Just tellme.
Right, Any of these versions ofthings?
Like I looked in the schoolportal and you're missing six
(18:02):
assignments.
Like get off your phone andstart telling.
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Any of these things, I think, are very common, and so
, when we're leading with tryingto stop or fix or change their
behavior, versus now thatthey're teenagers, what they
really want is for us to listento them and to feel like we
really understand what's goingon deep down inside of them.
(18:33):
Are they not studying becausethey asked a question in class
and they're embarrassed becausetheir friends made fun of them,
right?
So now they're unmotivated tostudy, right?
So our challenge now, what theyneed from us, is really slowing
ourselves down and trying tounderstand what's going on
(18:55):
inside of them that's causingthe behavior that's freaking us
out.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
That's where my process came from.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
OK.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
And there's a few like main steps that we do but
to share on a podcast.
I'll try to make it reallybrief.
The first one is what youmentioned about being triggered.
I think we all are naturallyget triggered when our kids are
making bad choices, and whatmost of us do is that's when we
(19:28):
think it's like the best time togo talk to our kids.
Right, you're freaked out,you're worried, you're angry,
whatever you're feeling.
It doesn't feel good.
You want it to stop.
You think the way it'll stop isif I just tell my kid you know,
you have to, you know study forthe, the test, you need to put
(19:49):
your phone away, and that thatwill make us feel better.
But what happens is we getstuck in this horrible cycle of
we are triggered, we react, andthen our kid reacts to that and
the whole thing ends up in anargument or slam doors.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, I tried that you tried what.
I've tried that approach where Iwas telling them what they
needed to do because as dad Iknew better.
It took me a long and I'm nothappy about this because I'm a
little bit ashamed it took me along time in their development,
(20:31):
in their time in our home, tofigure out.
You know what.
It's better for me to askquestions than to make
statements Exactly, do you thinkthat this is a good idea?
Tell me why you think thishelped with the goal you said
you told me you had about yourcareer, your future.
Tell me how what you're doingright now helps toward that.
And so you know, and it doeslike your program does.
(20:54):
It does minimize the conflict,but the tension part is kind of
still there, like okay, now he'sdigging into a place where I'm
really uncomfortable now.
But this is what we have to be,because your behavior now
doesn't.
It's not conducive to what yousay you want.
No.
If you don, you want no.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
If you don't want anything.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Why don't you want anything?
We got to find out what theroot cause of all this stuff is,
but I love to go ahead.
Keep going, it's great.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Yeah, no, that's so insightful and I love how you
shared.
It took a long time.
Yeah, this stuff isn't easy,but it's doable.
And it starts with askingquestions no-transcript, right.
(21:46):
So let's say you again, like,see that they got a D on a test,
and then you naturally think Iknow exactly why they got a D on
that test.
Right, they were messing around, they're on their phone for
hours and then they didn't getenough sleep and your mind makes
all of these assumptions.
But when we do that, it doesn'thelp them actually do better on
(22:11):
the next test.
What does is getting curious whythey didn't do well in the
first place, and that's kind ofpiggybacking on what you said,
right?
So, starting to take whatyou're nervous or worried or
angry or scared about and try to, instead of telling them what
(22:33):
they need to do differently,asking them so what's the
struggle here?
Like I see you're struggling,right, you got a D on the test.
What's going on?
And trying to open upconversation so you can discover
, like you said, the root causeof the problem.
And when you get to the rootcause, all of a sudden you're
(22:58):
having a really differentconversation.
You're not saying, like youknow, give me your phone.
Instead you're saying oh okay,so you really don't understand
that concept in math.
God, that must feel reallyawful to feel like you don't get
it and maybe a littleembarrassing that you didn't do
well on the test.
Like what do you want to dodifferently to figure out how to
(23:22):
learn the information?
And really right, asking themfor their solution.
Our teenagers are craving,right, we all know they're
pulling away and they want theirindependence and they're
craving from us, almost likebeing a sounding board where
they can get out what they'refeeling, what they're thinking,
(23:45):
and then come up for themselveswith a different something to do
differently so they make abetter choice.
And so it's really just.
I help parents figure out howto do that and how to have that
kind of different conversation,because it's really that
conversation that's going tomake you feel better as a parent
(24:05):
.
You will feel more confidentbecause you see your child
engaging and talking to you andsharing with you, and it feels
good to them for you to askthese questions and for them to
feel like they can share withsomebody that they trust.
And then, all of a sudden, theywant to do it more because it
feels good.
(24:26):
It doesn't feel good to belectured, not for you, not for
me, not for anyone.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Absolutely Well.
We only have time for a fewmore questions.
See if we can try to get thesein here.
One of the things that youtalked about.
This is probably going to be atough one, but I want to get you
to speak to it like you did inour pre-interview chat.
But you know, as parents we dealwith a whole bunch of heavy
stuff in life.
Our kids don't even fullyunderstand all we deal with in
(24:57):
life, just all of the, like yousaid, the triggers and all the
things that we deal with in theworkplace and just adult stuff
that they don't have to fullyunderstand.
But when we come home, we wantto come home to a calm, peaceful
household.
It's just, it's our castle,it's our hideaway from the big
bad world outside.
We want to just have peace.
(25:18):
And I experienced something thatI want you to kind of talk
about.
You talked about what to dowhen you don't really like your
child.
I thought that was a powerful,powerful thought, because there
were times and my wife, if shewas here right now, she probably
would, she would probably be infull agreement there were some
times where and it wasn't anyparticular daughter per se, I
(25:40):
won't point them out, but sometimes we didn't like what we saw
, we didn't like our children,and there's a period of grief
that goes with that, becauseyou're losing the child you
remember or you once knew, oryou thought you knew, and now
you're seeing a whole differentperson.
So share your experience aboutnot liking what you've seen in
(26:01):
your teenager.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Yeah Well, thanks for sharing that as well.
I think it's hard to sharethose things.
We feel like we shouldn't saythat we're supposed to like.
I don't mind.
I'm good.
Yeah, I, you know.
I think the best place to startis and I'm so glad we're having
this conversation is, if any ofyour listeners feel that way to
(26:27):
to first recognize like you'renot a bad parent, there's
nothing wrong with you.
You and your child are in ajust human to human relationship
and in life there's people thatwe don't like, and that's right
, that's okay.
We are not surprised about that.
(26:48):
But sometimes it's really hardto like your child when you see
them making really poor choicesor you know you see them not
listening to you and you think,gosh, if you just listen to me,
right, life would be so mucheasier.
So I think we can get stuckright in those thoughts.
(27:09):
So I think we can get stuckright in those thoughts and to
me, you know, I would just offerone of the ways through that.
There are lots of differentways, but one of the ways
through that is to just slowyourself down and take a look at
your child and say you knowwhat my child's struggling right
now?
They're not a bad kid, they'renot a bad person, they're really
(27:34):
a good kid who's juststruggling right now to.
And then fill in the blankright, not lie, tell the truth,
be respectful, study enough, youknow, get off their phones, all
those things.
And I think, as soon as we cankind of look through the lens of
, okay, this is this is my childstruggling with a behavior
(27:58):
right now, and how can I helpthem with that?
That will create a shift insideyourself right there, right.
So it's like it's not this, oh,I can't stand my kid.
It's that.
Oh wait, something that they'redoing is really difficult right
now for me to watch and livewith, but to recognize that my
(28:22):
kid's really a good kid at heartwho's just struggling right now
.
And so one thing you know I'lloffer is sometimes it's great
just to come up with some sortof mantra or phrase that you can
say in your mind when yourchild's triggering you and
you're feeling like I don't likethis kid right now.
(28:42):
You know something like this isjust for today, not forever.
I use that one a lot, right?
Or gosh, you know they justhaven't figured out how to make
friends yet, right.
(29:03):
Or they just haven't figuredout how to tell me what they're
struggling with or frustratedwith or angry about in a
respectful way yet, right.
And so it's just trying to findsome ways to create some, some
room and get back into thatcompassionate, empathetic heart
(29:24):
that you have, because I knoweveryone has that.
Like we're their parents andyou know, like we've touched on
you want them to succeed and behappy and be a good character
and a good person, and I thinkmost of us you know we had kids
because we want to enjoy beingtogether and being close.
(29:45):
So hopefully a few of thoseideas, yeah, help out Absolutely
.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Absolutely One thing you mentioned also too, and I've
only got room for a couple morequestions.
Then we're going to go aheadand sign off and I'll have you
reach out to anybody how theycan reach out to you, I would
say.
But you mentioned about theinability to connect with one of
your children.
You and your husband had achallenge with that children.
You and your husband had achallenge with that.
(30:11):
Can you briefly share about youknow, when you noticed that you
weren't connecting and what youdid to kind of attempt to
remedy the situation.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, yeah, so what I was doing when we were
disconnecting is, you know hewas doing things that I
mentioned were worrying me.
Right, the grades were dropping.
He was in a friend group that Ididn't think was a good
influence.
He started smoking pot.
And as these behaviors werehappening and I got more and
(30:43):
more worried and freaked out, Iwas tightening the reins, right.
I was trying to control thesituation because I was so just
worried and scared and hurt, andyou know, so I was doing lots
of things, right, I took awayany access to money, I took away
(31:06):
any access to his car.
I, you know, was tracking himeverywhere he was going and if
he wasn't at school, I go driveand try to bust him ditching
school.
And I was just looking at myown behavior, going.
Wait, this is terrible and thisis not who I want to be.
(31:28):
And you know, there's, there'sgot to be a different way for me
to help him and for us to getback to that connection and
closeness we once had.
I mean, he was, you know, avery sweet boy and kind of to
what we talked about in the lastquestion you asked me.
It's like trying to connectback and realize that he is a
(31:50):
really sweet, kind kid who'sjust struggling right now with
some behaviors.
And so we actually went togetherto a parenting program and it
was based in dialecticalbehavioral therapy, which is a
big hodgepodge way to say.
(32:11):
You know.
We learned how to regulate ouremotions right, manage our
emotional reactivity whensomeone says something or does
something that triggers us.
We learned just interpersonalcommunication skills how do we
communicate with one another andreally listen to each other
(32:32):
actively listen to what's goingon and we learned mindfulness
skills right how to notice whatwe're thinking when we're
thinking not so kind thoughtsabout the other person, and how
to redirect our thoughts andreframe those things.
So these are just some of thetools that we learned.
(32:52):
Basically, if I had to pull back, they were new communication
skills, new language to use withone another that wasn't
triggering and where the otherperson really felt heard, and so
we went through this togetherand I just saw such an
incredible transformation in ourrelationship and my ability to
(33:17):
really help him.
That's when I just thought I'vegot to share this with as many
people as possible.
It's a shame that thesecommunication approaches and
this language that really workswith teenagers is not available
to the masses, and so thatreally is what inspired me to,
(33:41):
you know, coach moms and dadsone-on-one and help them get
this like deeper understandingof what's going on with their
teenager and how best tocommunicate with them so they
can really help them and feelthat you know, like you said, no
one wants to come home into ahouse that's filled with tension
(34:02):
and conflict and arguments.
It's like you've had a long,hard day.
You want to come home to a homethat's calm and peaceful.
You want to come home to a homethat's calm and peaceful and
what I guess I want youraudience to know is that's
completely possible if you justchange what you're saying and
your energy when you're talkinginto conversations with your
(34:25):
child right to feel more calmand more grounded when you enter
the conversation so you're notemotionally reactive, and then
really just to start turningyour worries, um, and things
that you want them to stop orchange, and starting that
conversation with really somecurious questions absolutely so.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
I'll ask one more question, and then I'll give you
a chance to let everybody knowwhere they can find your work.
Our final question for today Ifyou were not coaching and
parenting, what do you thinkyou'd be doing instead?
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Oh, oh wow.
What would I be doing instead?
I don't know if I've ever eventhought about that, yusef,
because I really, really lovewhat I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
When I'm not coaching .
Speaker 2 (35:16):
My kids are all young adults now, and so when I'm not
coaching, I do love to go dothings with them.
So my daughter lives in NewYork and I just came back from a
really long weekend with herand you know we ate yummy food.
I know you did Like thisincredible magic show, and just
(35:42):
to me.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
I saw some of the pictures.
I saw some of the pictures.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
It was amazing and I just I love the energy of New
York and just the differentpeople that you come across and
the conversations you have.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
The pizza.
Come on, yes, the pizza.
Don't forget that part that'sreally important the pizza.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
Yes, it's like yeah, California doesn't make pizza
like New York pizza.
So yeah, that's what I lovedoing.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
That's good.
I love this.
I love this.
Let everybody know where theycan find your work.
And also, at the end, once wesign off, I'd love for you to go
to our YouTube channel, ofcourse, where the episode is,
and, in the comments section,drop your links or anything that
you want to share.
That's beneficial to ourlisteners and your audience that
(36:35):
are watching via YouTube.
But for now, go ahead and sharewhere they can find your work,
and then we'll go ahead and signoff.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Thanks for asking Yusef.
Yeah, if you want to learn moreabout the things I was talking
about today, the best place tostart is my website, which is
just my name, and once you'rethere, there's free resources
and I think that's like a greatplace to start.
I'm also on Instagram andFacebook.
(37:02):
I have a Facebook group and onLinkedIn and I recently started
a YouTube channel uploading somevideos.
So excited to be doing thiswith you today.
But what I really would love tooffer your listeners we talked a
lot today about well, where canI start if I really want these
you know arguments to subsideand and have my child open up if
(37:26):
they're not talking at all?
And the best place to start andI'll put the link in the
comments is with a guide Icreated that has five questions
that you can ask your teenagertoday.
That will help the argumentssubside and conversation open up
.
So, if you are intrigued bywhat we talked about and you're
(37:48):
wondering, okay, but how do Itake something I'm really
worried and concerned about andask a question about it and
still get them to make a youknow change what they're doing?
This is a great place to start.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
That's fantastic.
Thank you for jumping on here.
This was a fantasticconversation.
I know that somebody's going tofind value with it.
Don't watch my YouTube channelif you don't mind.
Jeine, after we sign off, dropall the links and everything in
the comments section under theepisode so people can find your
work Again.
Pleasure to have met you hereand got to know you a little bit
(38:23):
.
You got a beautiful family andI love what you're doing, thank
you.
Thank you for being here anddoing this.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Thank you for having me my pleasure.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
My pleasure.
Well, janine and Mr, you wereout of here.
Thanks for watching andlistening.
Have a great day, guys.
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