Episode 100: Conflict IQ, Part 2 – Reading the Room Before Hidden Conflict Explodes

Welcome to Episode 100 of Things Leaders Do! I can’t believe we’ve hit this milestone together. Thank you to every listener who’s been here along the way—your feedback and stories keep pushing me to bring leadership conversations that actually matter.

For this milestone episode, we’re continuing the Conflict IQ series with Part 2: Reading the Room—How to Spot Hidden Conflict Before It Explodes.

Here’s the truth: by the time conflict becomes visible, it’s already too late. The real leadership skill is noticing the quiet signals—hesitation, withdrawal, selective agreement—before they derail your team.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

• The subtle anatomy of hidden conflict and why it’s so dangerous
• Four common signals that conflict is brewing under the surface
• The psychology of why smart people stay silent (and what it costs you)
• Practical tools to “read the room” and surface concerns before they escalate
• Real-world examples of leaders who missed the signals—and those who nailed them

Research shows that 43% of employees experience burnout and stress tied to poor communication. Hidden conflict doesn’t just stall projects—it quietly erodes trust, engagement, and retention.

Key takeaway: Great leaders don’t just manage conflict when it erupts—they develop the Conflict IQ to see it coming and create the safety for their teams to address it directly.

Next week: Episode 101, Part 3 of the Conflict IQ series—The Courage Conversation: How to Invite Conflict Instead of Avoiding It.

For more people-first leadership tools, executive coaching, or team workshops, visit nxtstepadvisors.com
.

Connect with Colby:

• Visit nxtstepadvisors.com
  for keynote speaking, executive coaching, team development, and leadership training.
• Connect with me on LinkedIn: Colby Morris

• Colby's LinkedIn Profile
• Things Leaders Do Instagram

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
People First.
Leadership, actionablestrategies, real results this is
Things Leaders Do with ColbyMorris.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
You know that moment in a meeting when someone says
that sounds great, but theirbody language is screaming.
This is a terrible idea.
Or when your usually chatty teammember suddenly goes quiet for
three meetings in a row andyou're wondering if they're
plotting your professionaldemise or just having a really
long Monday.

(00:31):
Yeah, welcome to the world ofhidden conflict, where the most
dangerous disagreements are theones nobody's talking about yet.
Hey, leaders, I'm Colby Morrisand this is Things Leaders Do.
And, wow, this is episode 100.

(00:53):
I can't believe we have hitthis milestone together.
To everyone who's beenlistening, sharing episodes,
putting these leadership ideasinto practice, sending me
LinkedIn messages, connectingthere, thank you.
Thank you is so underrated of aword there underwhelming, but

(01:27):
you are the reason this showexists, and your feedback, your
stories, that's what keepspushing me to bring you the best
content I possibly can.
So again, thank you For episode100,.
We're continuing our ConflictIQ series with something that's
absolutely critical how to spotconflict before it explodes like
a Windows 95 computer trying torun modern software.
Because here's what nobodytells you about conflict by the

(01:52):
time people are openlydisagreeing, you're late to the
party.
The real skill isn't managingconflict, it's seeing it coming
from three miles away and thendoing something before it turns
into a five alarm fire.
Let me paint you a picture.

(02:13):
It's Tuesday morning, 9 am, teammeeting.
Everyone's sitting around theconference table or staring at
their little zoom squares,depending on your world.
You present the new projecttimeline.
Sarah nods.
Mike says looks good.
Jennifer asked one clarifyingquestion.
Dave gives a thumbs upMeeting's over, everyone

(02:36):
disperses.
That seems normal, right,except here's what you missed.
Sarah nodded, but she waslooking at her laptop the entire
time.
Mike says looks good.
In the same tone he'd used toagree to a root canal surgery
Sounds fun.
Jennifer's clarifying questionwas actually kind of her polite

(02:59):
way of saying this timeline iscompletely unrealistic and
stupid.
And Dave, this timeline iscompletely unrealistic and
stupid.
And Dave, well, david hasn'tspoken up in a meeting in oh,
six weeks.
See, this is the hidden conflictin its natural habitat.
It's not dramatic, it doesn'tinvolve raised voices or

(03:21):
storming out.
It's subtle, it's polite andit's absolutely deadly to team
performance.
Recent research from projectcoshows that 40% I'm sorry, 43% of

(03:42):
employees have experiencedburnout, stress and fatigue due
to workplace communicationissues.
But here's the kicker theseteams often look perfectly
functional from the outside.
Hidden conflict is like carbonmonoxide for teams.
You can't see it, you can'tsmell it, but it'll kill your
productivity while everyone'swondering why they feel so

(04:04):
miserable.
So how do you spot this hiddenconflict?
It's not about becoming a mindreader, it's about becoming a
pattern reader.
So first, I want you to watchfor changes in communication
patterns.
Your normally vocal team membersuddenly becomes Mr Quiet.

(04:27):
That's not personal growth,that's withdrawal.
Your usually collaborativecolleague starts sending
everything via email instead oftalking face-to-face.
They're creating distance for areason.
I worked with a team where oneperson went from contributing
like 30% of the meetingdiscussion to maybe 5%.

(04:51):
Our leader didn't noticebecause the meeting still went
smoothly.
Six months later, this persontransferred departments.
Why?
Because they felt like theirinput wasn't valued.
They'd given up their voice andgiven up trying to voice their
concerns.

(05:12):
And then, second, pay attentionto the energy shift.
You know how a room feelsdifferent when someone's angry,
even if they're not sayinganything.
Angry even if they're notsaying anything.
That's real.
If your team meetings startfeeling heavy, if there's this

(05:36):
weird tension, you can't putyour finger on.
Trust your gut.
Third, I want you to look forwhat I call selective agreement.
This is when people agree withyou but never with each other.
They'll say yes to you directly, but you never hear them

(05:57):
building on each other's ideasor having those natural back and
forth conversations that happenin more healthy teams.
And then, fourth, I want you towatch, for the timing tells.
What does that mean?
Well, like late responses toemails, people showing up right
at the meeting start timeinstead of a few minutes early
for casual chat, leavingimmediately when the meeting

(06:21):
ends instead of sticking around.
These might seem like smallthings, but they're actually
huge things disguised as smallthings.
Here's what's really happening.
People are managing theirexposure.
They're participating justenough to avoid getting in
trouble, but not enough toactually engage with the source
of their frustration.

(06:45):
So let's talk about thepsychology behind why people
hide their conflict.
Why do these smart, capablepeople choose to suffer in
silence instead of just speakingup?
Because most of us have beentrained that conflict equals
danger.
Think about it.

(07:05):
Right From childhood, welearned that disagreeing with an
authority figure can get you introuble.
In school, questioning theteacher might get you labeled as
disruptive.
At home, challenging yourparents might mean you're being
disrespectful, and if you're GenX, you learn that lesson quick.
So we developed this internalconflict avoidance system that

(07:29):
works like this If I disagree,bad things happen.
Therefore, I'll just notdisagree.
But here's where it getscomplicated in the workplace.
People still have opinions,they still see problems, they
still want to contribute, butthey've learned to express all

(07:51):
that in ways that feel safer.
Dr Amy Edmondson's research onpsychological safety shows that
in low safety environments,people don't stop having
concerns.
They just stop sharing themwith the people who could
actually do something about them.
Instead, they share them inparking lot conversations,

(08:16):
coffee breaks and those privateSlack channels.
This reminds me of somethingAndy Stanley said.
He said leaders who don'tlisten will eventually be
surrounded by people withnothing to say.
Ouch, that's exactly whathappens with hidden conflict.
People don't stop havingopinions, they just stop sharing

(08:38):
them with you.
This creates what I call theunderground railroad of
complaints.
Underground railroad ofcomplaints.
All the real feedback istraveling through secret
channels, while the officialchannels get nothing but smiles
and thumbs up.
The irony Leaders who thinkthey're creating harmony by

(08:59):
discouraging disagreement areactually creating the conditions
for maximum dysfunction.
They're not preventing conflict, they're driving an underground
where it's harder to spot andimpossible to resolve.
So how do you actually get goodat this?
How do you develop conflictradar that works?

(09:21):
Well, start with your ownbehavior first.
Look.
Are you inadvertently shuttingdown disagreement?
Do you interrupt people whenthey start to push back.
Do you move quickly tosolutions when someone raises a
concern, or do you actuallyexplore what they're worried

(09:42):
about?
I learned this lesson the hardway.
I used to think that I wasbeing efficient by quickly
addressing concerns and movingon, but what I was actually
doing was training my team thattheir concerns weren't worth
extended discussion, so theystopped bringing them up.
Next, I want you to master thefollow-up question.

(10:04):
When someone gives you alukewarm response yeah, that
should work.
Don't move on.
Say something like you sound alittle hesitant.
What am I missing?
Or help me understand whatshould work means to you.
Most hidden conflict lives inthe space between what people

(10:26):
say and what they mean.
Your job as a leader is togently explore that space.
Then I want you to payattention to who's not talking.
In every meeting, there arecontributors and observers.
But when your contributorsbecome observers, that's your

(10:49):
signal.
Don't just notice it.
Do something about it.
Hey, jennifer, you've beenpretty quiet today.
What's your take on this?
And then watch for what I callenthusiasm mismatches.
If the project is genuinelyexciting and everyone's
genuinely on board, you shouldsee some genuine enthusiasm.

(11:10):
If you're getting a lot ofsounds good and makes sense.
But no energy, no questions, nobuilding on ideas that's not
buy-in, that's compliance.
And finally create what I calltemperature check moments,

(11:30):
regularly ask questions likewhat are we not talking about
that we should be.
If you had to bet money onwhere this project might run
into trouble, where would youplace your bet?
These questions give permissionto voice concerns without
feeling like they're beingnegative or difficult.

(11:51):
Let me tell you a story abouttwo leaders and how they handled
the exact same situationcompletely differently.
Leader number one let's callhim Tom.
He had a team working on amajor software rollout and every
status meeting went the sameway.
Working on a major softwarerollout, and every status
meeting went the same way.

(12:11):
People reported their progress,identified a few minor issues
and everyone agreed they were ontrack for the deadline.
Tom was feeling pretty goodabout things no drama, no
conflict.
Everyone seemed aligned.
The project felt smooth.
Three weeks before the launch,the whole thing fell apart.
Not because of the technicalissues, because nobody had

(12:33):
wanted to be the bearer of badnews.
The timeline was unrealistic,the client expectations were
totally misaligned and the teamhad been running and burning out
for months.
But in meeting after meeting,everyone just went along.
Tom's reaction when it allcollapsed why didn't anyone tell

(12:57):
me?
But people had been telling him, just not directly.
The signs were all there Laterresponses to his emails, people
looking exhausted in meetings,that weird energy where nobody
seems excited about a projectthat should have been exciting
Now.
Contrast that with leader numbertwo.

(13:19):
Let's call her Maria.
Similar project, similar teamdynamics, similar timeline
pressures, but Maria noticedthings.
More team dynamics, similartimeline pressures, but Maria
noticed things.
She noticed when her leaddevelopers started giving
one-word responses in meetings.
She noticed when her projectmanager stopped asking questions
.
She noticed when the team'susual casual pre-meeting chatter

(13:41):
disappeared.
Instead of assuming everythingwas fine, she started digging.
She had one-on-oneconversations.
She asked specific questionsabout concerns.
She created that space forpeople to voice doubts without
feeling like they were beingnegative.
What she discovered was thather team had the same concerns

(14:04):
Tom's team had.
The timeline was aggressive,the client expectations needed
managing.
People were starting to feeloverwhelmed.
But because Maria spotted thehidden conflict early, she could
actually do something about it.
They adjusted the timeline,they reset that client
expectation and they brought inadditional resources where it

(14:26):
was needed.
Both projects launchedsuccessfully, but Tom's team was
exhausted and three people leftwithin two months.
Maria's team was actuallyenergized and asked to work on
the next big project togetherwith Maria.
The difference wasn't thechallenges they faced, it was

(14:49):
the leader's ability to read theroom and act on what they saw.
All right, here's your homeworkfor this week, and I want you to
think of yourself as adetective, not Sherlock Holmes,
more like a really goodtherapist who notices things.
First, I want you to start atemperature log For the next

(15:12):
week.
After every team interaction,write down one thing you noticed
about the energy or engagementlevel.
Not judgments, okay, justobservations.
Sarah seemed distracted.
Mike asked fewer questions thanusual.
The team left the meetingquickly.
You're building your patternrecognition skills.

(15:33):
Most of us are terrible atnoticing subtle changes because
we're not paying attentionsystematically.
And second, I want you topractice the dig deeper question
.
So when someone gives you aresponse that feels incomplete
or unenthusiastic, don't move on.

(15:53):
Ask one follow-up question.
Tell me more about that.
What makes you say that?
Help me understand yourperspective.
You'll be amazed how oftenpeople are just waiting for
someone to ask them.
And third, do a safety audit onyourself.

(16:14):
Really record yourself in onemeeting this week or at least
pay careful attention to yourown behavior.
How do you respond when someonedisagrees with you?
Do you explore their concern ordo you move straight to
solutions?
Do you interrupt?
Do you defend?
Do you dismiss?
Your behavior sets the tone forwhether people will bring

(16:38):
conflict to you directly or hideit underground.
And then here's my challenge foryou as we wrap up this week.
I want you to find one piece ofhidden conflict in your team
and address it directly.
Not aggressively, notdramatically, just honestly.

(17:00):
Say something like.
I've noticed you've been prettyquiet lately.
Is there something on your mindabout this project?
Or you said you're fine withthe timeline, but you seemed
hesitant.
What are your real thoughts?
The goal isn't to createconflict where none exists.
It's to surface concerns thatare already there so you can

(17:23):
actually deal with them.
Here's what I've learned afteryears of watching teams succeed
and fail.
The teams that look the mostharmonious aren't always the
healthiest ones.
Sometimes, the teams thatopenly argue are actually more
functional than the teams thatnever disagree.
Hidden conflict is a luxury youcannot afford as a leader.

(17:48):
It costs too much.
It missed deadlines, losttalent, opportunities that never
materialized all because peoplewere too polite to tell you the
truth.
Leaders, if you're findingvalue in this leadership content
and want to go deeper, I'mavailable for executive coaching

(18:11):
, team training, keynotespeaking and you can find more
information atnextstepadvisorscom.
I'd love to help you and yourorganization develop these
critical leadership skills.
Next week we're diving intoepisode three, the courage
conversation how to inviteconflict instead of avoiding it.
Because once you spot hiddenconflict, the next skill is
creating the conditions wherepeople feel safe, bringing it to

(18:34):
you directly.
And if you're getting valuefrom this conflict IQ series,
will you do me a favor?
Share it with another leaderwho needs to hear it?
And if you want more tools forpeople, first leadership, visit
nextstepadvisorscom.
That's nxt, no e,nextstepadvisorscom.
And again, thank you forlistening to the tld podcast.

(18:55):
I'm colby morris.
Remember to keep reading theroom surfacing the truth and
build teams brave enough todisagree.
And you know why Because thoseare the things that leaders do.

Speaker 1 (19:16):
If you're looking for more tips on how to be a better
leader, be sure to subscribe tothe podcast and listen to next
week's episode.
Until next time, keep workingon being a better leader by
doing the things that leaders do.