Are you punishing your partner for your ex's infidelity?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
No, God lovel you can tell them my setting level up.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
God love what you just telling my setting level up?

Speaker 3 (00:10):
God love it.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
You can tell them my setting level up, level up,
level up. Everything that everything.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
Connected to everything and that's why, and that's why everything,
all my song, all my songs, everything that means everything.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Ey, it's connected to everything.

Speaker 4 (00:36):
And that's why, and that's why what's going all good peoples.

Speaker 5 (00:41):
I love how we always get a lot in to
mister John Scott Walker, the slide talker, his music. He's
gonna tell you he's got five hip hop albums and
they are all.

Speaker 4 (00:51):
Avivee Yes, it's a beautiful thing. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (00:55):
I was like saying, I'm hoping that you're gonna promote
yourself today.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
You know, the folks don't be listening for the music
like that.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Hip hop needs to make us change and you know,
so it's okay, it's not my time yet.

Speaker 4 (01:09):
That's the show. That's the show we all talk about that. Hey,
let's go on a good thing.

Speaker 5 (01:14):
This is things that people don't want to talk about,
brought to me by God level. God level is doing
God level things. So she would be drawing us very
very soon.

Speaker 4 (01:22):
But I'm bringing us in I'm your girl in intentive IVY.
You can find me on TikTok.

Speaker 5 (01:27):
I'm mom's sister friend, former right cast journalists and the
military aspiring art.

Speaker 4 (01:32):
Therapists all the time. I can finally add that to
my list of things I like to talk about ADHD.
I am the owner of all my ADHD hamsters. I
talk about mental health, especially.

Speaker 5 (01:44):
With communities of color, and I hear my own healing,
and I keep it a up from my own, from
my own self. I like to share my stuff, my bullshit,
you know what I'm saying, because hopefully it helps somebody
else share out there, you know, So.

Speaker 4 (01:58):
I'm gonna share it so we can keep it up.

Speaker 5 (02:00):
Buck up in this joint originally for Fating Ohio, now
living in the one PMW.

Speaker 4 (02:04):
Yeah, I'm just like y'all ready you all ready to
keep this thing off there?

Speaker 2 (02:08):
I think so kind of short of me. We hear
we don't make a deal with a do you know,
make a half.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
Of the half?

Speaker 5 (02:14):
Yes sir, Yes, sir, we're talking about your ality comment today.
But before we do all of that, mister John Scott
Walker the side.

Speaker 4 (02:20):
Talk with your seas.

Speaker 2 (02:21):
Introduce yourself.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yeah, the name is John Scott Walker, the Slot Talker. Here,
I'm a lyricist, spoken word artist. I'm a martial artist,
personal trainer, a lover of life, student psychology, and I'm
a father who is currently taking clients right now. I'm
currently taking personal training clients right now. Don't wait until
New Year's Day, New Year's Eve, just a few days

(02:46):
after New Year's to start a fitness regimen. The resolution
has already been in front of you. You already know
you gotta do something about that way, You already know
you got to do something about that blood pressure. You
know you got to do something about your diabetes to
regulate that. Oh, you have to do something about your hypertension.
Hire personal trainer, hire somebody to help you. Master dot

(03:10):
John Scott Walker, Master doctor John Scott Walker on Instagram
and box me.

Speaker 2 (03:18):
Let's have a conversation.

Speaker 1 (03:19):
We even got to talk money yet, Let's just talk
about your fitness goals.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
Solute.

Speaker 6 (03:24):
That's it.

Speaker 5 (03:25):
Thank you so very much, mister John Scott Walker, the
Slot Talker and King Newborn, which please introduce yourself, peace.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
Peach speech this King Newborn.

Speaker 7 (03:36):
You can follow me on all social media outlets at
Newborn Everything And as always, I am that I am
of service to the community, to family, friends and loved ones.

Speaker 3 (03:51):
Peace. Peace, peace.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
Peace peace.

Speaker 4 (03:56):
Peace.

Speaker 5 (03:56):
Can't start to show off without because we all have
to find our own interpiece, right, y'all need to find
our own interpiece. And that's the reason why we're doing
is Man, we're talking about things that people don't really
want to talk about.

Speaker 4 (04:07):
And I'm telling you last week to show with a
why a strong people on me.

Speaker 5 (04:14):
I'm talking like the comments of going people came through
talking about infidelity trauma. You know, it's something that it
touched every community, every social book, you know. So we're
just going to continue that talk going.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
You know, we ain't talking about just infidelity, We're talking
about the trauma associated with it, which is why this
why this question pops up. Right, Are you punishing your
current partner for the mistakes of a previous one?

Speaker 3 (04:43):
Right?

Speaker 2 (04:44):
And this is more of.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
A self reflection question, but also it can be dude,
in past tense, Have I punished my previous partner for
the mistakes or a previous one as it relates to
infidelity trauma as it relates to infidelity, are you making
him pay for the mistakes of your ex or your
two axes ago and trying to justify it at that.

(05:08):
You know, and I say punishing because there are innocent behaviors.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
It's him looking at his phone, it's him being gone,
you know, an.

Speaker 1 (05:14):
Extra twenty thirty minutes, maybe even a couple of hours.

Speaker 2 (05:17):
It's him not answering his phone.

Speaker 1 (05:20):
Or it's he's redirected his attention away from you, or
she is hanging out with the girls that night. And
you know, you have all these thoughts. Are you punishing
your partner? Have you punished your partner, punished for the
mistakes of a previous what I do?

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Have you ever done that?

Speaker 5 (05:41):
Listen, I'm gonna tell you right now. First of all,
that word punished that is a loaded word. Soun you
know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (05:48):
That is a.

Speaker 5 (05:48):
Loaded word because what we think about punishings, like we
don't I think, you know, I can't.

Speaker 4 (05:55):
I'm gonna be honest, I don't.

Speaker 5 (05:56):
Even know that if I can really answer that question
earnestly and honestly, I think that there there's definitely there's
definitely like in the past, there might have been like
maybe one partner that I can really say, you know,
like definitely felt some of the effect felt some more
of the effects from just the unhealed things you know

(06:16):
what I'm saying that I had went through. But man,
I'm just gonna tell you, like for real, I'm like,
when it comes to my romantic partners, I've kind of
been a corn flake bro like you know what I'm saying,
like playing like it's just uh. But I can admit
to that now, and I can see a word all
of my my faulty ideas about like loving kind of
popped up, you know, So I can't. I don't necessarily

(06:40):
say that I'm punishing. I think that, if anything, I
have not shown most authentically and most healthily in terms
of in terms of you know, they say that you
you date, you date, even if if you're a man,
you date your mother and if you woman, you get

(07:00):
your father.

Speaker 4 (07:01):
Right, So I can say that I had a lot.

Speaker 5 (07:04):
Of unresolved issues from the things that I wish that
I could have expressed or said to my father by
theirs that kind of carried over into my relationships and
I saw that. So yeah, that's what I got for
that way.

Speaker 1 (07:17):
Do you ever experience anything like that, you know, dealing
with the woman and she's always punishing you blaming you,
identifying you know, just innocent behaviors that you're doing as
she you know, have you ever experienced anything like that?

Speaker 3 (07:34):
Mm hmm, I'm gonna say I have. I have.

Speaker 7 (07:40):
And you know, sometimes when you do get accused of
certain things, it just make you like, what's all this
energy about?

Speaker 3 (07:51):
Like what's going on? For real?

Speaker 7 (07:54):
You know, you really never really take the time out
to sit down and be like, you know what, let's talk,
Let's put everything on.

Speaker 3 (08:00):
The table, let's talk, but just see where it leads.

Speaker 7 (08:05):
I think that's kind of hard because sometimes everything is
loaded behind emotions and feelings, so you're not even able
to apply any logic to anything that's being said. So
you know, that can make kind of kind of difficult.

Speaker 3 (08:19):
You know.

Speaker 7 (08:20):
As much as we like to say we're adults and
we're grown whatever age brackets you in from twenty twenty
one plus, you know, it really does take you the
mature to sit down and talk about your differences and
the things that you carry over from your your past
relationship into your current relationship. And sometimes you carry things

(08:41):
over from just being a child at home and watching
visual aid of a relationship. You know, So facts, that's
my take on it for the most part, right now.

Speaker 1 (08:55):
Yeah, I haven't experienced it personally iced it.

Speaker 2 (09:01):
I haven't dished it out.

Speaker 1 (09:02):
But also you know, a I'm not a cheater, so
that you know, but being on the receiving end of punishment,
not directly. There may have been a taste here and there,
but there's no evidence that that was rooted in infidelity.
I think for the most part, all the women that

(09:23):
I've dated and yeah, in all my years of dating
a monogamy no no, no note with the exception of
one my ex wife, everyone else has been cheated on.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
Right, and.

Speaker 1 (09:38):
Recognizing that, you know, there's some compassion there because like, dang,
that's messed up. I mean, how did you cope with it?
Did you adapt? So I'm going to ask some questions.
But for the most part, it never really gets to
that point, you know, because a lot of the times,
a lot of the times they come in they've healed
from it, and uh, they just it's more of a

(10:00):
declarative statement, I've been cheated on.

Speaker 2 (10:02):
That's it. This is how it happened, this is what
I did, this is you know, so it's.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
Just part of the story, and that's how you know
you're healed by the way is when it's just part
of the story, right, there's no emotional reaction, there's no volatility,
there's no tears, there's no you know, you're not projecting,
you don't feel insecure.

Speaker 2 (10:22):
It's just part of the story. Yeah, this happened.

Speaker 5 (10:25):
Yeah, so I gotta ask a question about that too,
you know, just since you just said that both both
piggybacking off of what you and King both said, right,
because yes, it could be a declarative statement for you know,
especially I don't think that there's many women who have
been out here unless they were like, you know, younger. Oh,
I haven't been cheated on in a relationship, right. But

(10:46):
the thing is is my question is what do you
do once once that's happened, Like, like, have you ever
asked those women you know, like, okay, so you were
cheated on, Like what happened after you? Just after you know,
you repeated on? Because it can be a declarative or
it can be a semicolon. I would see them. But
this is what I did in order to heal, because

(11:08):
the problem that I'm seeing right is that a lot
of times when people when people have this infidelity trauma,
they're not taking those posites, they're not putting those semicolons
in there to be like, Okay, well this is what
I did to heal you know what I'm saying. I mean,
and even let's go ahead and keep this a bunk.
Let's talk about the guys who have who have had
to deal with that or either if they have had

(11:29):
to deal with infidelity trauma. You know, and I don't
know exactly what happens in a man's world and how
you guys deal with you know, like growth, it's.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
More stress stress.

Speaker 1 (11:39):
Yeah, but you know, I think that's this isn't just
about infidelity trauma. I'mnna just take a small branch to
the left, right, just trauma in general. Hearing things like
you gotta walk on except shelves when you're around him,
or you got to be very careful about what you
say when you're around her. She's really sensitive, right, So

(12:00):
it's that energy. It's okay, I have to be extra careful,
even though I'm already a careful individual. Now I got
to be extra careful. I gotta go work twice as hard,
because you don't want to work twice as hard to heal.

Speaker 2 (12:14):
Dang and So that's why I agreed.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
Last week with some of the comments about you know, hey,
the man is choosing her right, like he's aware now
that not only has she been cheated on one, two, three,
four times, but she's still not even fully healed. And
you have to if you're if you're a wise man,
you're gonna make that evaluation in the beginning of the relationship,

(12:38):
and you're gonna be aware that this is a factor
in terms of the help and the stability of the relationship,
and you're gonna be looking for those behaviors.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
So you're already a trustworthy.

Speaker 1 (12:47):
Man and you're doing all the right things, You're saying
all the right things. Now she's inserting doubt. You know,
just out of nowhere. It could be a great day
that out of nowhere he does something that's off beat,
off killed her a little bit out of the rhythm,
and then she's fasting on him. So from a guy's mind,
you know, we really do life piece like what are you?

(13:09):
Everything is great? Why are you doing this? You messing
it up? Man? So from from our perspective, it's usually
a place of frustration, like, yo, do you know how
hard I have to work just to create this and
then you you just destroyed it by doing that. But
if you say that out loud, you're insensitive. But I'm
the one, I'm the one that's experiencing this from you.

(13:30):
I can't do that to you.

Speaker 2 (13:33):
I can't do that to you.

Speaker 1 (13:35):
So now there's this double standard, and it keeps doing it,
you know, over explaining it.

Speaker 2 (13:39):
So a man in that relationship typically what happens.

Speaker 1 (13:42):
Typically he does it a few times, he expresses his
grievance about it, and then he goes silent and he
just stops trying. When he gets to that point, you're
actually in the yellow zone because.

Speaker 2 (13:54):
It's not fair to him. You know, we're operating off
for principle here.

Speaker 1 (13:57):
It's like, yo, I do my best to you know,
ensure that I'm respecting your boundaries, and you know I'm accommodating.
So you know, and since we're getting ready to go,
we're pretty much chopping into it.

Speaker 6 (14:13):
I mean, I didn't want to disturb you. You was going,
you was going. I didn't want to disturb you.

Speaker 3 (14:20):
It's not a disturb We always make time for the queen,
you know.

Speaker 6 (14:28):
I want to I want to say something to you, boy,
I love you. You told me something last week and
it like you was like keep doing, keep doing what
you're doing. And I needed I needed that confirmation and
also their push and also that support and I really
appreciate it. Like you you be right on time, You

(14:48):
really do. You be right on time. So yeah, I
just want to thank you for that I had. I
wanted to make sure I put that out there. And
Happy birthday to our father, Happy birthday to my son,
Happy birthday to two of my nieces. Yes, so yeah,
I don't know if you said that already, but yeah,
this is God level of Originally from Saint Louis, Missouri.

(15:10):
I'm a mother, I'm a nurse, I'm an entrepreneur, I
have this podcast. I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm
an aunt, I'm a gigi. I am everything good. Yes, Bam,
you can go back to doing what you.

Speaker 1 (15:28):
Let's shop into because that's what that's what we're really
talking about here, is you know what can be done
to balance understanding of your partner's pain while also setting
boundaries to avoid being unfairly blamed being the scapegoat, right,
Because I mean, if you're in that place of part right, okay,

(15:48):
your mind is just looking for triggers that's going to
set it off.

Speaker 2 (15:52):
That's just how you're prime now, that's just how your program.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
Now.

Speaker 2 (15:54):
It's pain you you didn't fully process it.

Speaker 5 (15:57):
I want to go ahead, and then you shouldn't be
a relationship.

Speaker 1 (16:01):
Oh that's the common that's the common sense answer.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
That's the common sense answer.

Speaker 6 (16:08):
You are and you notice that it's coming up now
in your current relationship, then you need to get you
some therapy because it's not your partner's fault that you
are being triggered by every little thing that they do
because of your ex you. Yeah, and you have to
take that again. We talked about this last week that

(16:29):
paused before you react.

Speaker 3 (16:32):
You know.

Speaker 6 (16:32):
So, yeah, you you might need a little bit of therapy.
You may be traumatized.

Speaker 4 (16:37):
Let me, let me, let me put can I put
this out here too.

Speaker 5 (16:40):
I just want to make sure it's said because I've
heard another friend say this, right when you.

Speaker 4 (16:46):
Are traumatized, people hate their own trauma. Does that make
any sense?

Speaker 5 (16:52):
Like once you're aware of it, Like, once you are
aware of it, we don't like showing up this way,
you know what I'm saying, Especially men who have been
hurt before and who are aware of it. They don't
like showing up the way that they show up. And
I'll and I'll speak for myself, you know.

Speaker 4 (17:07):
What I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (17:08):
It's like I'm I'm finally very very very aware of
how how my trauma has played out in my in
my life and my relationships. It's even my like friendships,
family relationships, like all of it, right, and I hate
that part. I hate that love myself, But it doesn't
mean that I'm not deserving of love, you understand I'm saying.

(17:29):
So with that, with that, I ask and this is
this is somebody, this is even even men who have
been hurt and those different things too, right, So I
ask for it when I'm finally ready, Right, if I'm
ever ready for I would ask for somebody to be
curious because I'm going to be curious about them and

(17:50):
their traumas and there things that are going on. If
we're not meeting in some different and in some type
of way, we learn the main thing in conflict resolution
is instead of to be defensive, to be curious.

Speaker 7 (18:02):
Right.

Speaker 4 (18:02):
That's hard to do.

Speaker 5 (18:03):
When when tensions are like god right, so it takes practice.
And if relationships are here to make us conscious instead
of happy. Then we can take that conflict resolution, and
we can take that conflict and we can say, what
are we getting ready to learn about ourselves in this moment?
And I'm I literally that's gonna that's on my list

(18:25):
when it comes. When it comes to somebody like if
I ever, they need to be I have to be
understanding because I'm almost fifty.

Speaker 4 (18:33):
So let's go ahead. Keep it a buck. You're almost
fifty years old.

Speaker 5 (18:36):
You didn't God through some shit, you understand, I'm saying,
So I have to be understanding and they.

Speaker 4 (18:41):
Would have to be understanding and curious as well. Go ahead, king,
I'm gonna be all right.

Speaker 3 (18:45):
So cool, cool, cool cool.

Speaker 7 (18:47):
So I like what you said. I want to pee
youback off for that. So we keep on speaking on
the relationship outwardly, right, which is involving someone else, We're
not really talking about the relationship with self, which is
the first and most important relationship of all.

Speaker 3 (19:07):
You can cheat on yourself.

Speaker 7 (19:09):
You can even trigger yourself, you know, let's not forget
about that. And sometimes it take time off. Hey, have
I even start after therapy to deal with me and
my different acts that trigger me, upset me, make me
have a preconceived notion. Everybody hate me, everybody against me.

(19:35):
Bring it, you know, don't nobody love me? Don't nobody? Well,
if I'm just saying, if you feel like don't nobody.

Speaker 3 (19:42):
Love you, you still have you to love you and love
on you.

Speaker 7 (19:47):
Let's not forget about that. That's the most important relationship ever.
Take time off the love on you. Sometimes true discipline starts.
Were telling yourself, no, you don't need to do that.
Last time you did that, you hurt yourself, and you

(20:07):
spiral back to the last time you had a relationship
with yourself. Were go eat it out of our relationships
with ourself all the time. That's how we level up.
That's how we evolve, that's how we develop, That's how
we mature. It's no different than going to school, different
than going I was just.

Speaker 5 (20:28):
Telling somebody the other day. People are here to learn
it about boundaries, right. They want everybody to have boundaries
with them. I set this boundary, I set this boundary.
How about those boundaries.

Speaker 4 (20:36):
That are within yourself?

Speaker 5 (20:38):
Because if you don't have your own boundaries for yourself,
I'm gonna wake up and go to the gym at seven.
I'm not going to beat this school that I'm gonna get.
I'm going to make sure that I'm showing up differently
in X Y and lead situation.

Speaker 4 (20:49):
Rights, like I'm going to make sure that.

Speaker 5 (20:52):
Yeah, Like, if you don't have boundaries within yourself, then
how it is it that you can ask for other people?
How can you find the balance within yourself? How can
you ask somebody.

Speaker 4 (21:01):
To love you?

Speaker 5 (21:02):
You haven't fully loved yourself? You are very correct, ken boy?
Is it brings it back to THELF. Okay, come out
over here, come step into her room, step into her
round my.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
Yeah, I'm going man, matter of fact, what's that number?
What's the number?

Speaker 4 (21:24):
Look, it's peaking right through there too.

Speaker 6 (21:25):
It's right there, eight west seven nine thirty five.

Speaker 3 (21:31):
We're gonna put it in the comments. Student.

Speaker 4 (21:33):
Yeah, So those are some strategies.

Speaker 5 (21:35):
So strategy strategies to understand, to balance and understand, be curious,
you know, make sure that you have a healthy relationship
with yourself, because it's like number one and and like
you were saying, like you said, uh, god leveled, like
why are you don't don't be in a relationship.

Speaker 4 (21:51):
If you know that you're not right?

Speaker 5 (21:53):
But you got a whole lot of all over here
sick and ship out here and be like oh he
q mm hmm, says.

Speaker 4 (21:58):
Take a seat.

Speaker 6 (22:00):
Ah man. Yeah. I made a post about that today
on tiktoking about how you know, after being in a relationship,
uh ivy, after being in a relationship or a situationship
or dealing with someone, I have to take our time
to myself to heal from that encounter. I have to.

(22:21):
I have to heal. I have to pour in my
own cup that all that energy that I was redirecting
to that person, I need to read. I need to
give it back to myself. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Oh you know, oh oh all the way off with that.

Speaker 5 (22:42):
One projecting pecting.

Speaker 6 (22:46):
This is what you need it. Often take their own
actions and become suspicious of their mates later on that
mate is doing what they did to them.

Speaker 5 (22:57):
Yes, when you cannot see yourself, that's what you do.
You'd be like, oh, I know I'm cheating, so I
know they gotta be cheated.

Speaker 4 (23:05):
Come on, come out with sunshine.

Speaker 5 (23:07):
That's why John is like, yeah, okay, uh Elida, I've
been married two times and they both cheat it.

Speaker 4 (23:15):
Yet I had to pray.

Speaker 5 (23:16):
I had to heal, forgive them forgiveness was not was
for me, not for them, And being a battered wife,
Oh wow, I'm sorry, Sunshine, being a battered wife on
top of those cheaters. It's hard to deal with men
that have not helmed themselves. Due to me recognizing the
brokenness in myself, I was able to recognize it in them.
Now that I'm out in the Dayton Arena, I found
myself watching and waiting. There's so much brokenness.

Speaker 7 (23:37):
Out in the world.

Speaker 5 (23:38):
That's right, I do conflict resolution. It's man, it's impairedtive.
That is so true.

Speaker 4 (23:45):
And I can go ahead and read the rest of
I can read the rest of her.

Speaker 5 (23:48):
Comment, like if I find it because it's on my
it's on my thingy right here. Okay, So so she said,
I was able to recognize it.

Speaker 4 (23:56):
And then I'm out in Dayton Arena, I found myself
watching and waiting. There's so much broken and us out here.

Speaker 5 (24:00):
Conflict resolution is important. We need to show each other great.
I was just learning to set boundary. I've always been
a people pleaser. It took me fifty three years to
learn and to love myself first. So I'm so much
happier now. God bless you to sunshine. Sunshine is a
part of the PNC, the.

Speaker 6 (24:16):
Portion of say sunshine and people pleasing starting home with
children attempting to please their parents.

Speaker 4 (24:24):
Oh, I'm gonna go on mute the house.

Speaker 6 (24:33):
So in that way, being in Tudor was damaging yours.

Speaker 4 (24:41):
Oh that was I don't know what that was.

Speaker 5 (24:44):
That was a crazy sound man, that was crazy.

Speaker 4 (24:51):
Nope, you're mighty, Yes, that was.

Speaker 3 (24:53):
You gone by by? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel.

Speaker 7 (24:57):
Like I dont shake it.

Speaker 5 (25:07):
Goodness, Oh my goodness, listen, I mean there have been yeah, Sunshine,
you have always been You've always been pure sunshine.

Speaker 4 (25:14):
And I'm really sorry to hear that you went through
that month.

Speaker 5 (25:17):
But I'm telling you, like it's real talk yo, like
for real, for real, like getting the healing and a
reformed people pleaser as being a reform people pleaser myself.

Speaker 4 (25:28):
I totally get that.

Speaker 5 (25:29):
I totally get it, like completely about how it is
that you've got to You've got to figure yourself out,
You've got to figure out those boundaries.

Speaker 4 (25:36):
Hey, Shayhay, Okay, I'm so happy that you made it.

Speaker 5 (25:44):
Yet she said, I'm like, but I'm here, but yeah,
it's like, you know, I love I go back to
the thing that that Scott Walker said about about the
mansion and boundaries. I use that so much all the
time when you don't have any boundaries, because he explained
it that you have a mansion and you have a house.

(26:05):
In every one of those houses, some people don't get
through the front gate.

Speaker 4 (26:08):
Some people can we hear you? No, I don't know,
is it?

Speaker 3 (26:13):
Yeah? Yeah?

Speaker 5 (26:14):
Yeah, I'm gonna be quiet there you go, go ahead,
go ahead.

Speaker 4 (26:17):
I don't know.

Speaker 6 (26:18):
I'm scared. I'm scared now.

Speaker 4 (26:21):
I don't know what happened.

Speaker 6 (26:23):
That's your mic.

Speaker 7 (26:24):
That just drop some truth, that's all. Yeah, dropped some truth,
that's all. Yeah, happen.

Speaker 4 (26:35):
Yeah, I am.

Speaker 5 (26:36):
I'm in agreeance now, seriously, I love the learning the
boundaries and learning how to not be a people pleaser.
That's that, that is what brings on the trauma. Let's
go ahead and keep that above ladies. Because ladies, we
shoo them, we choose them, you know what I'm saying.
That's that's the joint, that's like the big we choose them.

Speaker 7 (27:00):
Oh my god, I want to say this real quick
to anybody that's watching this now as we're alive and
see anybody that watched this later or even listening to
this because we're on our heart radio.

Speaker 3 (27:16):
I want to say.

Speaker 7 (27:17):
This, this is a very very very very very safe
place for family, for friends, for newcomers, for anybody that's
that that comes to this podcast and tune in with us.
This is a safe place for y'all. We do not
judge here. Were only here to help the community to
heal through our experiences, through our knowledge, through communicating with

(27:40):
you all.

Speaker 3 (27:41):
We're here for each other. I just want to say that.

Speaker 5 (27:46):
Shine, Yeah, Sunshine is a strong, very very strong person.
And like I say, Sunshine, like seriously seriously so to
hear that you've been going through all of that.

Speaker 4 (27:55):
I'm sorry, I really am.

Speaker 5 (27:58):
But yeah, no, I brought up Joe brought up something
and she's telling the truth. We choose them because we.

Speaker 4 (28:04):
Don't believe that we deserve better.

Speaker 7 (28:06):
You know.

Speaker 5 (28:07):
It's like we it's even if it's even if it's unconscious,
you know what I'm saying, We still we still choose them.
So so it's like that's the that's the reason why
we have these traumas that come up, and yes, we
have to we have to heal from them. I'll say
it again, Yes, I say that because we we learned
that we have to iron love and child.

Speaker 3 (28:29):
Come on, that's cool.

Speaker 7 (28:32):
Oh my god, but I definitely understand that part.

Speaker 4 (28:36):
Yeah, and that's so very true. Yeah, I heard.

Speaker 5 (28:40):
I was watching well, okay, so my friend was watching
what's the name of the show. I think me and
you talked about it and on god level where this
therapist was telling the girls, she was like.

Speaker 4 (28:48):
Oh no, I had to learn that love comes with conditions.

Speaker 5 (28:52):
Don't think they come with conditions, right, And he was like,
you know, the only people who say that is He
was like, have you ever had somebody who just said that,
you know, I rocks with you regardless, like, no matter
who you are, I'm going to allow you your space.

Speaker 4 (29:05):
Yes, there we go. That's it.

Speaker 3 (29:07):
That's it.

Speaker 6 (29:09):
Yeah, my experiences or to help others. She oh, she
got it, Yeah, she got it.

Speaker 4 (29:16):
So so very true.

Speaker 5 (29:17):
Is there it's got to help somebody else, you know, yes, yeah.

Speaker 1 (29:21):
So yeah.

Speaker 5 (29:22):
No, he was just saying, like, have you ever had
somebody to just be like, whoever you are, however you
show up, that's that's who you're allowed to be.

Speaker 4 (29:30):
And I'm just like, how many people have really had that?
You know, truly happen so.

Speaker 5 (29:35):
Yeah, let's see where where's our next question?

Speaker 4 (29:38):
Where's our next question?

Speaker 5 (29:41):
Since we're talking about these strategies, anybody else have any strategies?

Speaker 7 (29:44):
Do you? Oh?

Speaker 4 (29:45):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (29:46):
It is?

Speaker 6 (29:48):
Is it fair to expect absolute transparency in a relationship?

Speaker 3 (29:52):
Why? And why not?

Speaker 7 (29:54):
Oh?

Speaker 4 (29:55):
I would love to hear what our gentlemen have to
say about man because I'm curious.

Speaker 7 (30:02):
Yeah, all right, well I'll get dirty then, let me
get dirt. Let me get dirty in So for me,
I understand. For me, I'm gonna say this again. For me,
it's wrong to expect anything from somebody other than them

(30:24):
being who they naturally are.

Speaker 3 (30:26):
It is wrong to expect that.

Speaker 7 (30:29):
And even at that point, I have to respect what
you show me to expect from you. Yunderstand what I'm saying,
because at that point you're showing me truly what I
need to understand. And I have to make a decision
after that, whatever that decision may be. I have to
make a decision after that. But I shouldn't expect you
to do anything other than people you are now. On

(30:54):
the other hand, Ms Tanner, we talk about this when
you bring it back to yourself. If my whole value
in myself, if I find myself worthy of me loving me,
I have a standard of how I love and appreciate
and attend to myself and love on myself, then I
would expect someone to see that and treat me the

(31:17):
same as how I treat myself.

Speaker 3 (31:20):
Now I can expect that.

Speaker 7 (31:23):
I can't force it on you, though, but I can
expect you to treat me the way I treat myself.

Speaker 5 (31:29):
Or can you expect somebody to treat them treat you
like they treat themselves.

Speaker 4 (31:36):
And treat themselves well.

Speaker 5 (31:38):
If somebody doesn't treat themselves well, then how they're gonna
treat you well?

Speaker 3 (31:42):
Whatever?

Speaker 7 (31:42):
That comes down to awareness, paying attention to the science
of what's going on. You know, if you see, like
like Scott Walker had mentioned, if I'm paying attention to
what you're doing or what you're not doing, and I
already got a regiment on how I treat myself, I'm
putting the reps in for myself. If it's not in alignment,

(32:03):
let me sit down and have a talk with you,
let me try to understand what's really going on. I
don't want to assume I'm gonna sit down and have
a talk with you. Let's get some understanding.

Speaker 6 (32:15):
Keep me simple, sunshine. You said, yes, so how much
do I How much of this do I share? A
wild dating? All I can do is be me. So
do you you talk about your past with your future
mates or possible future possible mates? That's my question for her?

Speaker 3 (32:37):
Oh I like that.

Speaker 5 (32:39):
Yeah, I got nothing to hide, but I know others
have to feel good, you know what. Let me tell
you something about that right there, let me tell you
something girl, the Hamster's baby. I will run my mouth.

Speaker 4 (32:55):
You know what I'm saying. And I used to think, oh,
that's me being.

Speaker 5 (32:59):
That's being transparent, right, But somebody told me that there's
a difference between wait a second week, Right, there's a
difference between being transparent and then being vulnerable. Right, there's
a difference between transparency and vulnerability. Because I could be transparent,
I'm like, uh yeah, me and me and god level.

(33:21):
We went to the corner store. We picked up two fagos. Right,
come on, Mark, come on in the room.

Speaker 3 (33:26):
You got your own hamsters?

Speaker 4 (33:27):
I thank you very much? Right?

Speaker 3 (33:32):
What I could do that? Right?

Speaker 5 (33:34):
But I also learned that the difference between transparency and
vulnerability is me being vulnerable?

Speaker 4 (33:40):
Is how did I feel about that?

Speaker 5 (33:42):
Right, right, Like, how did I really like, how did
I feel about it? And I used to Now I'm
getting ready to say something about how I used to
show up and how I realized how harmful it was.

Speaker 4 (33:53):
Okay, now this is about ten fifteen, ten to fifteen.

Speaker 5 (33:56):
Years I you ago, right, So I used to be
because I had some I'd had a you know, relationship
with a lot of infidelity, trauma, a lot of some
some different types of trauma, right, And I was like, Oh,
what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna tell ed.
I'm gonna say, oh, this man victimized me? What like

(34:17):
you treated me bad?

Speaker 4 (34:19):
Right? And I realized now the dit oh that was you? Okay?
By bad?

Speaker 5 (34:27):
I realize now the difference between between that and and
me sharing who I am now and how I felt
about it is I have to take responsibility for myself
and when I'm I'm being vulnerable. When I take responsibility
for myself, does that make any sense?

Speaker 4 (34:41):
I'm hoping that that pans out and.

Speaker 5 (34:43):
With that, with that vulnerability, that's which I think that
that's important, not necessarily all the transparency, like you know,
like I think that vulnerability is what's important instead of
being completely, always transparent with everything, you know, because what
if you're trying to throw a surprise party for somebody,
you can't be transparent about that, you know.

Speaker 4 (35:01):
So yeah, you know.

Speaker 5 (35:04):
So there's a difference between transparent because I'm vulnerable, I
expect I now expect vulnerability, but transparency, transparency, that's you know,
that's what are we talking about here?

Speaker 4 (35:17):
Yeah, that's just me. I'm shut up, y'all know I
talk a lot.

Speaker 8 (35:22):
Okay, he needs he is his fingers should be burning up,
mister mark you it's a whole phone number that at
the bottom of his screen, a three two four seventy
nine nine zero three five that.

Speaker 6 (35:40):
You can call because your fingers is burning up.

Speaker 1 (35:45):
Yeah, I mean, it's just he's commenting with the flow.
He's commenting with the flow. So that's why it's because
you know, something else comes out he wants to, you know,
just so.

Speaker 2 (35:56):
We could do our thing.

Speaker 1 (35:57):
But anyways, so my take on the quick right, I'm
not too fond of absolute anything, absolute anything when it
comes to reality. Absolute, Like I really don't even like
saying absolutely because.

Speaker 2 (36:13):
I'm like, really absolutely, do you know what absolute means?

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Like if you look at up really from a practical standpoint,
So absolute transparency, that's hard to do just by yourself
being honest with yourself, completely transparent with yourself at all times.
Do you know how long of a commitment you have
to make to that? And so I'm gonna expect you
to do that with me. But the other thing, again,

(36:41):
we're thinking about realism, right, we're being practical. Do you
know how emotionally exhausting that would be someone is telling
me everything that they've done all the time.

Speaker 2 (36:56):
Listen, I am a man.

Speaker 1 (36:58):
I'm filtering out a lot of the stuff that you're saying,
just so you could tell me this one main idea. Yo,
I didn't need all that. I didn't even need the
context you say this idea. I would have.

Speaker 2 (37:08):
I would have wrote the book for you.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
But you're giving me all these details on Okay, Okay,
I'm just waiting. I'm waiting. Yep, you're being honest about
that too. Oh yeah, that that right there right there. Yeah,
forget all the stuff that you just said for the
first ten minutes, I just needed this. All the rest
of the transparency I didn't need. So for practical reasons,
I think absolute transparency would be inefficient. No privacy no

(37:39):
privacy or like you know it, you mind reading too.
It's just it's a lot of information, and I think
it's appealing to the cheater at face value. I think
it's appealing to the one who's been cheated on at
face value, because you know, there's a dichotomy there. It
might sound healing to the cheat at all, because oh,

(38:02):
I have access to all this information, so at least
i'll know ahead of time whether they're gonna cheat on
me or whether they have intensions of at least i'll know.

Speaker 2 (38:12):
So I'm going to pose this next question.

Speaker 1 (38:15):
Right here in relation to that, do you think we
overestimate how well we can detect infidelity?

Speaker 4 (38:25):
I'm gonna go ahead and say it right now.

Speaker 5 (38:27):
This is probably the reason why I'm gonna be single
for a while, because I am adhd and I do
not understand like this sometimes the social nuances to tell
that somebody is lying, you know what I'm saying, Like
I just started understanding when.

Speaker 4 (38:47):
My kids are lying, you know, And I just try
to and I mean like for real, for real, and it's.

Speaker 5 (38:56):
It's hard for me, and it's it's it's kind of
embarrassed seem to admit to that.

Speaker 4 (39:01):
But I mean it's the truth. You know what I'm saying.
It's hard for me.

Speaker 5 (39:04):
Do we estimate overestimate how well we can detect infidelity?

Speaker 4 (39:07):
Hell yeah, I know for me.

Speaker 5 (39:08):
If you a man, come on, if you got hamsters
of your own out there, and that ship is hard, bro,
it's hard gas, come on, come on, Sunshine.

Speaker 4 (39:18):
You want especially, you want to believe people. You want
to ta music.

Speaker 6 (39:24):
Stated say that.

Speaker 4 (39:30):
It is it's people.

Speaker 5 (39:33):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's it's and I'm not gonna
lie to you. That's probably one of the biggest reasons. Well, no,
I know, that's one of the biggest reasons why I've
had some I've had some issues in my love life,
in my dating life because I want to I want
to believe, you know, I want to believe people in general.

Speaker 4 (39:52):
I'm realizing that again about the bottle of beer and
oh the bottle of beer.

Speaker 3 (40:13):
Don't you at nine to fifteen? Right?

Speaker 7 (40:16):
Yeah, I'm saying it was. It was nine fifteen fifteen.
It was not fifteen. No, your that's man, that's craze.

Speaker 6 (40:30):
Oh my god, my god.

Speaker 3 (40:35):
But you said you got our work early.

Speaker 7 (40:37):
Yeah, it was fifteen minutes ago, but it took you
sixteen minutes to get here. The fuck man, I hadn't
rub up the keys off the car.

Speaker 5 (40:48):
Man, maybe I wanted to listen to that that New
West lame single.

Speaker 4 (40:51):
I mean anything right.

Speaker 2 (40:53):
Yeah, good, good man.

Speaker 6 (40:58):
I oh, I'm probably gonna be chilling for a while,
couple of years at least minimum.

Speaker 7 (41:04):
You told me to roll the trash can out when
I pulled up. That's thirty seconds I counted for what
you was doing.

Speaker 5 (41:14):
Now, this one right here, this is another one. I
can only speak for myself, but I've been right every time.
I wouldn't know, and eventually it didn't hurt anymore. And
I did dig for it because I ain't even gonna
lie to you.

Speaker 1 (41:28):
Man.

Speaker 5 (41:29):
I mean that's hey, that's real talk right there too.
Like once you finally found out that somebody is lying, sometimes.

Speaker 6 (41:34):
You'd be like, oh man, oh my god, who's hair
in the card? It's too dark to be mine. I
ain't blind.

Speaker 5 (41:41):
I am not blind, not blind?

Speaker 4 (41:47):
What are you doing?

Speaker 3 (41:48):
Oh man? It could have been an ear ring that
she lost. It could have been lived gloss that fell
out her pocket. You know what I'm saying. You remember you?
You switched the weeks the weeks two weeks ago.

Speaker 1 (42:03):
I know.

Speaker 4 (42:06):
You're right, right, did you where you was wearing Shelley?
Now you're wearing a yeah, got bred here? What are
you doing?

Speaker 6 (42:14):
Oh man, that's crazy she got married at eighteen?

Speaker 3 (42:19):
Wow?

Speaker 4 (42:21):
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
I think pop culture has.

Speaker 1 (42:26):
Has some influence here on how we detect infidelity, because it's.

Speaker 2 (42:32):
You know, it's it's movies.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
It's it's it's cinema. It's a lot of magic. And
so you see the shows, the scenes where so and
so caught so and so cheating, and there's it's just
so obvious.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
It looks just so easy.

Speaker 1 (42:49):
So I think cinema, films, movie that influences how easy
we think it is to detect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, who
hold on? It makes it a cool.

Speaker 3 (43:02):
Thing for men.

Speaker 2 (43:05):
I'm sorry, I don't know about that one.

Speaker 6 (43:09):
I'm right in my mind.

Speaker 3 (43:14):
M m.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
But there's such a thing as confirmation about this, right,
confirmation about this.

Speaker 2 (43:23):
That's a good one.

Speaker 3 (43:25):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (43:25):
And I see it, I see us doing it. And
everything is not just a cheating with relationships. We do
it with religion. We do it with money, We do
it with markets, we do it with music, tastes, we
do it with everything. We're looking for information that confirms
what we already believe to be true. And so anything
that he does confirms what you already you You already

(43:48):
believe he's a cheater, but you will verbally say he's not.
I just haven't caught you yet. But I believe you're
a cheater. I just haven't caught you yet. It's that,
and so anything he does confirms that belief. But then
it's the quintin again. This is why I say in
the beginning, for me, it's very efficient. If I gotta
do all that, We're cutting the strings, We're cutting the top.

(44:13):
We're cutting it.

Speaker 2 (44:14):
Because I no longer can decipher.

Speaker 1 (44:17):
And I really pride myself on my ability to pride
process information. So if I got to go through all
of this and question everything, it's inefficient.

Speaker 2 (44:27):
That is not research.

Speaker 1 (44:28):
I should be able to go look for what I
want to ask the question I want, get the answer
I'm looking for, make sense, keep it moving well, John Webb,
your line, well, how long can you hold up that line?

Speaker 2 (44:40):
How much stemming you got? Who some people had that line?
You gotta work hard for it.

Speaker 1 (44:47):
You have to work hard for that line with somebody
that's always you know, generally honest they're gonna remember the
story every time you tell it.

Speaker 2 (44:57):
And if you start.

Speaker 1 (44:58):
Changing up bit to the story like I thought you said, Yeah, yeah,
Jordians slips and all that.

Speaker 2 (45:07):
But let's go ahead and move it on. Let's move
it on.

Speaker 7 (45:11):
I got a quick and white while were moving along,
we switched. They got quick on, real fast, real fast.
So when I was a barber, I had several clients
men married that their wife will come to the shop
and say, sir, I don't I don't want this on him.

(45:34):
Just a little taper, taper in the back, clean him up,
smooth him out.

Speaker 3 (45:40):
That's it, she said, Noah, even all over, light them up.

Speaker 7 (45:45):
In my mind, I'm like, that's LBC because that's what
I learned in school.

Speaker 3 (45:49):
A little boy her cut, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 7 (45:54):
Come to find out, this one particular woman, slash wife
like for her husband to get attention. So any attention
he got, he was automatically cheap. Later on found out
she had been in a relationship for three years.

Speaker 4 (46:17):
H wait a minute, yeah, object, So she was let
me tell you, let me.

Speaker 5 (46:31):
You know something, you know something that that oh my gosh, projection.

Speaker 3 (46:36):
Yo.

Speaker 5 (46:36):
Yes, she was people before you get into another thing.
You gotta get your ship straight. I am sorry, like
for real.

Speaker 6 (46:46):
Yes, some mine don't believe in closing one door before
opening another. They're gonna both doors of the same door,
close the door. Well, I ain't gonna say some men.

Speaker 2 (46:56):
Some people.

Speaker 6 (46:57):
We're just gonna say people. I'm not gonna say men.
Some people don't believe in closing one door and then
opening up another.

Speaker 5 (47:05):
They just oh my gosh, come on, man, that's the truth.
And the thing is is that if you don't close
that door, what are you really opening yourself to?

Speaker 2 (47:13):
You?

Speaker 3 (47:14):
Come on.

Speaker 5 (47:15):
You judge yourself based on your intentions. You judge other
people based on their actions, But when you see their actions,
then what are you doing?

Speaker 4 (47:23):
When you see your actions and another people in another person?
What are you doing?

Speaker 3 (47:27):
Man? Miss Tanner? Miss Tanner?

Speaker 7 (47:29):
This this right here, that's listen. I worked in the
barber shop. Slash its line, man. I heard a lot
of stories. Is crazy, man, I heard a lot of stories.

Speaker 6 (47:44):
Of Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 4 (47:45):
Because I feel like you got one.

Speaker 7 (47:47):
Go ahead because exactly what what she's saying right there,
I really know that first hand, Like that's that that
and it hurt me. You understand what I'm saying because
it's like, as put it like this, All black women
are beautiful, right, All women are beautiful.

Speaker 3 (48:05):
All Black women are beautiful. For that woman to go
from a.

Speaker 7 (48:09):
Particular size to another size and then get ridiculed for
getting to that size, but the whole purpose was to
keep people from looking at her when she was the
original size. Man, But but who who can say anything?

Speaker 3 (48:24):
If that's your wife.

Speaker 5 (48:29):
Y'all, If y'all already know a couple of years ago,
John knows, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (48:34):
I mean, And Renee has seen pictures of me. Excuse me, god,
level of seeing pictures of me? Oh my god. I
was getting fed.

Speaker 3 (48:41):
Because if I was, if I was it is bro If.

Speaker 5 (48:44):
I was fat, if I was sick, if I was fat,
if I was just at the house, nobody wanted me.

Speaker 4 (48:49):
You know what I'm saying. Why was I gonna stay?
I'm just gonna And what did I say?

Speaker 5 (48:53):
I said that I felt like I needed to stay
for survival, and I was there, and I have lost
one hundred and twenty house. You know what I'm saying
for my health, not to be cute. But the thing
is is because I realized that another part of that
was he was feeding me. He was feeding me, so
I get it. Yes, And it was that insecurity. Oh yeah,

(49:15):
you can have whatever you want. Yeah, that's making you
sick of shit, that's fine. And I wasn't what was
I gonna do?

Speaker 4 (49:19):
What was I gonna do?

Speaker 5 (49:20):
You know what I'm saying. And he wasn't causing it
because I was putting it in my mouth. But still,
you know, it's the thing.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
Hey, John, I love this question. Miss Tanner. You tight?
You tight? You're tight? I still I'm sorry? Go ahead? No, no, no,
finish finished question finished question?

Speaker 6 (49:41):
Can we ever fully prepare ourselves for the possibility of portrayal?

Speaker 3 (49:46):
No?

Speaker 7 (49:47):
And I want to say this, but go ahead if
you really want to see this, this question come to life.
If you're in a committed relationship right now or married
either or how everyone to look at it. It's your
boot y'all been together high Start going to the gym
and working out and eating healthy. And see what type
of conversations transpiring the house? See what type of conversations

(50:10):
transpiring the house?

Speaker 3 (50:13):
Huh, See what happened? See what happened? See what happened.

Speaker 7 (50:21):
You started shaping up clothes, starting to fit different. You
spent spraying cologne or perfume, getting your hair done all
the time, getting it cut all the time. You're going
to get massage, just to the chi, practice frequent checkups.
Let me run to the docs. See what that is,
See what that was?

Speaker 4 (50:42):
Going to go get your hair and your nails done.

Speaker 3 (50:44):
Man, come on.

Speaker 6 (50:47):
To look good for thank you?

Speaker 3 (50:49):
That part, that part my daughter.

Speaker 7 (50:52):
That part, hey, yeah, that part.

Speaker 3 (50:58):
We're trying to look good for. I like you the
way you are.

Speaker 4 (51:03):
Oh oh you're beautiful ad any size.

Speaker 3 (51:06):
Yeah, you're a beautiful baby. You're beautiful. Who you trying
to look sixty for? Huh? Yeah?

Speaker 6 (51:15):
Money, by the way.

Speaker 3 (51:16):
Don't get your head busted. You know.

Speaker 4 (51:20):
All of that time three all of that.

Speaker 3 (51:23):
It don't take that long to getting no gas. It
don't take that long to get no gas.

Speaker 4 (51:27):
You went to the store. Oh okay, all right, make.

Speaker 5 (51:31):
Sure you turn your life three sixty.

Speaker 3 (51:35):
Oh wow, that's crazy right.

Speaker 6 (51:37):
Now, Like sixty that's an asset.

Speaker 4 (51:39):
But we're gonna talk about that backstage. But yeah, this guy,
let's go ahead to this question.

Speaker 6 (51:45):
No, it's only betrayal when it comes from someone you trust.

Speaker 3 (51:52):
I in turn, ask can you betray yourself.

Speaker 7 (51:53):
Then if you say someone you trust can't portray yourself.

Speaker 5 (51:57):
Oh absolutely, I'm gonna tell you right now, half of
the women who are out here who have this infaibility trauma, right,
I'm gonna go ahead and use myself because until I
I didn't know this, until I started to honor myself,
I didn't even I had trusted outside.

Speaker 4 (52:14):
I trusted men externally.

Speaker 3 (52:17):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (52:17):
And that's why I was so pissed when when it
went when it went left with my ex I was
so pissed that it went left because of the fact
that I had put all my trust in him. But
I couldn't trust myself right because I didn't know how
to come to soeuth.

Speaker 4 (52:30):
Nobody talked about. Come on, man.

Speaker 6 (52:34):
Is a betrayer.

Speaker 5 (52:35):
That's it where you and you got to come to
self into it. You got to come to selth before
you're getting anything different.

Speaker 6 (52:43):
Yeah, I didn't. Yeah before I I'm not gonna lie now.
I gotta throw my other brother under the spotlight real quick.
Before I met John, I didn't trust me. I promised
to God. Before I met John and my brother, I
didn't trust men. I didn't trust.

Speaker 7 (53:03):
Him Okay, I'm gonna do r quotes she gave me hell.

Speaker 6 (53:10):
And you know what, he's not lying. I challenged him
every chance I got. I really did. I challenged him
every chance I got on his And it's not even authority,
but just on what he was just saying to me.
I challenged him because I had a problem with trusting

(53:30):
a man. And when I met him, I was like,
he's like the smartest thing coming and going. But man,
I did I give him a hard way to go.
Now it's like I'm good. You know hey, whether said what, Okay,
that's what we're doing.

Speaker 7 (53:47):
But let's be clear, though, my sister, this is no
disrespect to any man of her past. When my sister
came to Saint Louis, she was met with love and
through from her brother and sister. No matter what she
did or what she was going through. What was a heartache,

(54:10):
what was the pain, it didn't matter. She was always
met with love. Even when she challenged me. Even when
she challenged me, I still met her with love. I
didn't allow myself to get a particular right way or
get out right. I still try to bring it back
to love. No matter what, I always tried to bring
it back to love that I want to say, that's

(54:30):
the difference on my behalf because I wanted my sister
to see great in black Man period period, only to
find out later on her grief, her grievance with me
was trying to separate niggas from wondering what Dad would be.

Speaker 3 (54:55):
Who.

Speaker 4 (55:00):
Okay, get it?

Speaker 5 (55:01):
You know, this is why we have to give ourselves.
This is how we have to give it. We got
to give our people grace, grace for ourselves, grace because
the grace, once we're able to give it to ourselves,
we're able to extend it to the other people who
we love. And that's beautiful, y'all. That is that is beautiful.
Like seriously, I don't have your vote.

Speaker 6 (55:24):
Today is his birthday, and.

Speaker 7 (55:29):
If you go to my page and see my posts,
I hope I'm walking in his image every day.

Speaker 3 (55:35):
M hmm.

Speaker 9 (55:36):
Period, it's beautiful, man, That is beautifuls.

Speaker 1 (55:51):
Right, Betrayal is tied to expectations, and I like to
take the Buddhist approach to life and Spenser prime this
practicing detachment. Right, it's your attachment to your expectations that
intensify the emotional volatility and reaction to betrayal. It's your attachment.

(56:14):
The more you're holding on to this idea. Maybe it's perfection,
maybe it's a standard of rule, maybe it's how they moved.
But you hold on to that memory, You hold on
to that idea, you hold onto that assumption.

Speaker 2 (56:27):
This is what I believe that they're going to do.

Speaker 1 (56:29):
I believe them when they say that, you know, they
practice fidelity, that they're loyal to me. I believe them.
I believe them. I believe them. I believe them. But
there's no tempering with that. Right, it's absolute, there's no
tempering with it. You're not saying, can I account for
a margin of error? Could I be wrong a little

(56:50):
bit five percent? Can I put a little bit of
doubt in there? Because otherwise, why would you be researching
a potential cheap why would you be re searching the
evidence if you didn't at least have that little bit
of doubt.

Speaker 2 (57:04):
Because you came across some new.

Speaker 1 (57:05):
Information about the individual, even collecting information since the beginning, right,
and so when you come across some information again there's
a change in their patterns. And you don't understand the
complexities of that individual, but you see it change in
their pattern, that little bit of doubt that you didn't
account for, but you trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, believe, believe, believe, believe.

(57:26):
If faith fake fake fake faith, that little bit of
doubt that you didn't account for comes forward, and then
if there's a confirmation bias involved, you may end up
accusing them and there was no crime, and then boom,
there is a crime.

Speaker 2 (57:40):
There is a trans aggression.

Speaker 1 (57:44):
Can you fully prepare for that? Not fully, but I
think that there are measures that you can take to
prepare for betrayal. Firstly by accepting this is the big one,
accepting that people are very complex and the person that
you met at twenty three is not going to be

(58:04):
the same person at thirty three, not going to be
the same person at forty two, not going to be
the same person that fifty six. Right, so you got
them in this season, maybe you caught them in their
cheating season, and that experience changed.

Speaker 2 (58:17):
Your full perception of them. All you can see is
a cheater.

Speaker 1 (58:20):
Now, you can't see a democrat, you can't see a
martial artist, you can't see a great entrepreneur anymore. Your
expectations really formulate the health of that relationship. Is it
flexible it's I think it's okay to be like, you
know what, I wouldn't put that past them. They've shown

(58:41):
me enough evidence for me to believe this. Okay, they've
shown me enough for me to have faith. But can't
I leave at least a little wigor room for the potential.
I'm not going to entertain it. But if something comes
up and it's very salient being that little piece of
doubt is to come in and we get to investigate.

Speaker 3 (59:02):
Right.

Speaker 1 (59:03):
But I'm just saying, in the sense of, you know,
looking forward, it's not about avoiding betrayal.

Speaker 2 (59:11):
It's not about.

Speaker 1 (59:12):
Avoiding it because people are going to betray in some fashion.
It may not even be with another human being. It
may just be in their values. And so you feel
you can feel betrayal about anything. So have you practiced
accepting the fact that this person's going to betray you
in some way? Have you already started doing that work?

Speaker 4 (59:34):
It can act no, go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
So I was just gonna say, while you can't fully prepare,
you can prepare with the acceptance. You can even prepare
by taking it a step further. What if they do it?
This is the planning right that we were talking about
what if they do and what am I going to do?
And having a plan just basically says, hey, I have
faith that you're going to be loyal and true to me,

(59:59):
but I haven't it playing over here. I accept the
possibility that you may do it. Don't take it as
an in So this is about me. It's ain't about you.
This is me and if you did it to me,
if you did it to me, hey, John, I was
preparing for you to, you know, do me like this.
I was preparing for it, and I'm gonna get mad
at that. It's not even a talking point. Who cares that?

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
Shut up? Shut up.

Speaker 1 (01:00:22):
It's not evenrrelevant. It's not evenrrelevant that I did the plan.
It's already here, it was here before you came here.
And you're gonna argue about something I was already here
that you didn't know about.

Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
I didn't know about this, So we're even right. You
can argue that down. It's not the point. The point is.

Speaker 1 (01:00:35):
You can be resilient before you have to go through that.
You can be resilient enough to be like, if this happens,
I accept that this person did this. The most I
might want to know is what was your motivation. Why
why did you do that to yourself? You didn't do
anything to me, but why did you do that to yourself?
Why did you?

Speaker 4 (01:00:57):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
Just so that I can love you more if that's
your motivation?

Speaker 1 (01:01:01):
All Right, this guy right here, I think everybody.

Speaker 2 (01:01:10):
So we're coming, We're coming on our clothes, right. So
I just want us to.

Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
For the sake of feeling, for the sake of healing,
because healing begins with awareness, right, Healing begins with awareness.
So you got to ask certain questions. And that's what
therapy does.

Speaker 3 (01:01:31):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:01:31):
It's about asking youpen ended questions so that you can
arrive to an understanding where you can process those emotions, right,
release them and do what you will with them.

Speaker 3 (01:01:40):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:01:41):
Awareness, asking yourself the question so that you can be
self aware.

Speaker 3 (01:01:46):
Right.

Speaker 5 (01:01:49):
There are six levels to suffering an acceptance.

Speaker 4 (01:01:53):
Right. I've been teaching this to my kids.

Speaker 5 (01:01:55):
And the reason why I go through this is because,
first of all, a lot of times the.

Speaker 4 (01:01:59):
Thing is about becoming self aware.

Speaker 3 (01:02:01):
Right.

Speaker 4 (01:02:02):
So first level of suffering and acceptance.

Speaker 5 (01:02:05):
First level is you don't know that you're suffering, right,
And this happens to a lot of people, and infidelity,
the trauma happens when you don't.

Speaker 4 (01:02:13):
Know that you're suffering. Level two is that you know
that you're suffering.

Speaker 5 (01:02:16):
Level three, you finally found out the source of the
suffering of said suffering. Right level four, and this is
people get stuff between three and four all the time.

Speaker 4 (01:02:28):
You know who's causing the suffering.

Speaker 5 (01:02:30):
Number four is that you want to blame everybody else
for your suffering. Right level five, though, is now understanding
that nobody is coming to rescue you from said suffering.

Speaker 4 (01:02:45):
This is the game changer right here.

Speaker 5 (01:02:48):
If you are experiencing infidelity, trauma, if you are experiencing
trauma at anytime, I hate to be like this and
just going straight keep it abuck. Nobody is coming to
rescue you.

Speaker 4 (01:03:00):
Nobody is coming to.

Speaker 5 (01:03:01):
No white horse, that perfect man that Tyler Perry always says,
that perfect woman, that's Tyler Perry always. They're not coming
to You're not coming to rescue.

Speaker 4 (01:03:08):
And level six.

Speaker 5 (01:03:10):
Level six, Once you realize that nobody's coming to do
the work and that you got to do the work,
you get.

Speaker 4 (01:03:14):
Out there and you do the damn work. Period. That's it.
That's what I was. That's that is not a question.

Speaker 5 (01:03:20):
That is the thing that somebody needs to know in
order to get them closer to But it's.

Speaker 1 (01:03:24):
Worth to that, right, It is worth asking oneself, like,
do I even want anybody to come rescue me? Though
the implications, just the implications. Do I want somebody to
have me in this vulnerable space, the authority, the power,
the influence, to always be able to say I saved

(01:03:47):
you from any.

Speaker 2 (01:03:51):
Anytime, anytime?

Speaker 1 (01:03:53):
What would you want somebody to have that over you,
I saved you from Like, imagine you remember when I
saved you from Come on now, I'm spoty man.

Speaker 2 (01:04:05):
I didn't have to save you, know, Imagine him saying that.

Speaker 6 (01:04:07):
To you, Well you should.

Speaker 2 (01:04:11):
If you're gonna rub it in my face, don't save me.

Speaker 6 (01:04:14):
And if they are doing that, then their attentions wasn't good.

Speaker 4 (01:04:18):
From the store, that part, because they are they.

Speaker 6 (01:04:22):
Gotta throw it up in your face. I saved you,
I saved you, I saved your intentions wasn't good from
the store. And yeah, and.

Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
Though that's the thing with saving.

Speaker 1 (01:04:35):
Most people with that complex of okay, I can save you,
it's really about their It's really about feeding their ego
most of the time. Because I mean, anybody who knows
about being saved knows that I can't save somebody that
doesn't want to be saved.

Speaker 2 (01:04:48):
So I can help you.

Speaker 1 (01:04:50):
But you're gonna be saving yourself, and I'm gonna help
you do that because in the end, you still have
to do your part.

Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
I'm just I'm on the outside, you know.

Speaker 6 (01:04:59):
I just came on the sunshine has baby girl, and
you are still standing, you are still talking, you are
still sharing.

Speaker 3 (01:05:11):
Oh my god, h.

Speaker 4 (01:05:17):
And I'm taking that normal psychology and I feel that
I feel I feel that you don't.

Speaker 5 (01:05:23):
You don't even know right, So, like you said, do
you want somebody to come save you? But the first
thing is is that you've got to be aware of
what is happening.

Speaker 1 (01:05:33):
Oh so, Harry, y'all, what is one question that they
should ask themselves that will get them closer to healing.

Speaker 6 (01:05:47):
That's a very good that's a very good thing.

Speaker 3 (01:05:49):
That ill you.

Speaker 2 (01:05:51):
I'll start it off. I'll started off with from from
the group.

Speaker 3 (01:05:55):
We had.

Speaker 1 (01:05:58):
A few commentors. All right, what was the lesson in
this situation? What am I supposed to learn so that
I can grow from this? What does this mean to me?
And what am I gonna do next with this information?
Does this diminish the worth of the relationship me him,
Am I going to stay knowing this answer? Nancy said,

(01:06:20):
what part did I play in letting someone cost me
this trauma? Terryan says, are you ready to understand and
not hear to your trauma? That's a good one. How
did I put myself in this situation? Well, that's a
good one. That's a good one, Sunshine. What do you
see when you look in the mirror?

Speaker 6 (01:06:41):
Yeah, we talked about that. Yeah, me and Ivy just
talked about that this week. Will you look in a mirror?

Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
And Chris he had a few of them, He had
a few of them.

Speaker 1 (01:06:59):
What character Trey? What character traits that correlate to this behavior?
Have I been finding myself attracted to.

Speaker 3 (01:07:08):
Woo?

Speaker 4 (01:07:09):
Because that's a whole bar right there.

Speaker 1 (01:07:10):
Oh okay, What do I have to do to outgrow
the mindset that repeats this behavior?

Speaker 2 (01:07:20):
That's a hard question. Yeah, that's a hard one. Have
I convinced myself that I deserve this?

Speaker 4 (01:07:30):
Nobody deserves this?

Speaker 1 (01:07:31):
Man? If so, how can I unconvince myself? If so?

Speaker 3 (01:07:36):
So?

Speaker 2 (01:07:37):
Those are some good questions. That's from the group.

Speaker 1 (01:07:40):
And just in case you guys don't know, we do
have a Facebook group type that in join panel one question,
one question they should ask themselves.

Speaker 5 (01:07:54):
Can I throw this out there if you're ADHD right,
because you know I'm always starting that's my platform, right,
you got them hamsters. Sometimes it makes looking, it makes
being self aware a little interesting because we're trying to
see ourselves in other people, right, because we've been told
you know, like you're flighty, you're this, you're lazy, your
but like we've been told that our entire lives.

Speaker 3 (01:08:12):
Right.

Speaker 5 (01:08:12):
So if you cannot get to try to see self,
get yourself a journal, Get yourself a journal, start writing
down your experiences, and a pattern will.

Speaker 4 (01:08:23):
Start to emerge.

Speaker 3 (01:08:25):
Yeah, you can't.

Speaker 5 (01:08:25):
You literally you cannot refute it. If you start seeing
the patterns in black or white. And if you start
to see the patterns in black or white, that's going
to help you get to healing. Because healing doesn't necessarily mean, oh,
I'm not going to do all this stuff all over again.
What it means is you know that you're following that
pattern again. Whatever that pattern is, whatever your mental health,

(01:08:46):
illness is, whatever your your personality, whatever it is, right,
and it says that I'm going to stop what I
normally do and instead of going left, I'm going to
go right. That's healing. I want you how to understand that.
That's what people tell you what healing is. So understanding
and recognizing your patterns that make you that kind of
put you in some of those similar situations that put

(01:09:08):
you with people who are unavailable, people who are cheat on.

Speaker 4 (01:09:11):
You, people who will beat you, people who will.

Speaker 5 (01:09:13):
Inflict trauma within your own entire life. Write it down,
look at the pattern, tell them yourself. At that point,
I'm not gonna do this anymore, So I'm just gonna
go I just wanted to throw that out there, and
I'm gonna shut up because you'll know it's.

Speaker 6 (01:09:23):
About Oh Lord, when you start to really do the
work on self and changing how you move and recognizing
those behaviors that you have I ain't gonna say growing
into as a result from what you've been through as

(01:09:45):
a child, you start to see the things that other
people themselves need to work on. It becomes like a
a red flashing light when you listen to their stories.
He's like, Okay, that's where your abandonment issues come from. Okay,

(01:10:07):
that's why you move the way that you move. You know,
But to get back to the question is are they
even ready? Are are you ready to do the work?
Because it's going to require you to isolate, it's going
to require you to sit with yourself. It's going to

(01:10:27):
require you to look back over everything that you've been through,
in everything that you've done up until now. That's a lot.
Some people are not ready to do that look back.
They would rather continue on the way that they're going
because they've learned to function well and they dysfunction. So

(01:10:51):
are you ready? Are you ready to become something different
than you've always been? Do you believe that you can
become something different than what you've always been?

Speaker 2 (01:11:03):
So?

Speaker 6 (01:11:03):
Yeah, that that's what's you got.

Speaker 7 (01:11:11):
K every thing that comes to me. Uh, And this
is based off of my own personal experience. Is this
failure or final? Is this failure or is it final?

Speaker 3 (01:11:41):
Failure?

Speaker 7 (01:11:41):
Will exposed where I'm not final, will exposed where I am.

Speaker 5 (01:11:48):
Oh, failure is temporary, temporary, that's it. That's it, is
this failure of my Oh man, I like.

Speaker 4 (01:12:04):
Man, I like that.

Speaker 3 (01:12:04):
I'm just saying that's just my experience.

Speaker 6 (01:12:08):
Yeah, that's a that's a clip. I'm gonna make sure
I post that. That's a whole clip. Yeah, yeah, I
like that man, that's deep.

Speaker 4 (01:12:20):
That is.

Speaker 7 (01:12:23):
Jo John.

Speaker 3 (01:12:23):
Where you go, John, John?

Speaker 6 (01:12:27):
Yeah, we can't hear you, John, uh huh No, I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:12:31):
Here there, okay. All right.

Speaker 1 (01:12:35):
So I have a lot of them, but I think
just a real simple, straightforward what do I need to
feel safe and secure in relationships?

Speaker 3 (01:12:44):
Again?

Speaker 1 (01:12:47):
That one, you gotta know what you want. Gotta know
what you want before you get it.

Speaker 2 (01:12:55):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 4 (01:12:59):
Very much.

Speaker 5 (01:13:00):
So, gotta know what you want, and you have you
have to know who you are in order to know
what you want.

Speaker 6 (01:13:06):
That part, you gotta start with self first.

Speaker 4 (01:13:13):
That's really dude.

Speaker 6 (01:13:15):
You gotta clean you. You gotta turn around and look
at that eighteen will and you've been riding around with
with all that baggage, and you're gonna have to go
eat that shit one by one and you gonna have
to impy that ship out.

Speaker 4 (01:13:26):
You're gonna have to unload.

Speaker 6 (01:13:30):
You're gonna have to unload. I thought I was doing
the work after I left my husband. I thought I
was healing. I thought I got rid of my eighteen
will to work, the baggage that was attached to my childhood.
Oh nah, baby, when you really start to do the

(01:13:53):
work within yourself. You gonna you gonna notice everybody else's
ship too. Okay, Yeah, And.

Speaker 4 (01:14:03):
I want to also put this out there.

Speaker 5 (01:14:04):
To realize your own ship is to realize that that
everybody else has ship too, you know what I'm saying.
And when you give your yeah, when you're able to
give your own self grace, that's that's the reason why
we got to start where you got to start with self,
because when.

Speaker 4 (01:14:17):
You give yourself grace for your bullshit.

Speaker 5 (01:14:19):
You're able to give the right people grace for their
bullshit because you know what it looks like.

Speaker 6 (01:14:25):
You know what I'm saying, How to give yourself grace?

Speaker 4 (01:14:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 10 (01:14:29):
If not you, you you're not gonna make it over that.
He'll You're not gonna make it over there. You will,
you will get stuck on that. He'll like, damn, keep going.

Speaker 5 (01:14:44):
How do you explain to these people that have these
suitcases that they aren't for you?

Speaker 6 (01:14:50):
Sunshine girl, I love her.

Speaker 4 (01:14:56):
Throw a bag at a girl and run.

Speaker 2 (01:15:00):
One by one man.

Speaker 1 (01:15:03):
So trust is built right, So that means that there's
a pace. And if you got a lot of baggage,
first off, I mean, if you got a lot of baggage.
Do you really want to bring in a co pilot
for this flight? Man, Hey, I need to lighten the load. Man, Look,
I got a lot of baggage. I need to lighten
the load. We could be cool, we can chill. Let's

(01:15:25):
just keep it, you know, very surface level right now.
When I get rid of some of this baggage.

Speaker 2 (01:15:30):
The plane will be lighter. Okay, So that's the first thing.

Speaker 1 (01:15:35):
But if they are patient and they're willing to stick
around and catch that flight with you, even if it's
a delayed flight. You do it one by one, and
this is you testing each with each baggage. You're testing
to see how committed they are. But they can only
match your commitment, right, they can only match your commitment.

(01:15:57):
So it's your baggage, So how committed? Like, Hey, I'm
just this is my baggage. So I'm sharing this with you,
and I'm letting you know the history of this baggage.

Speaker 2 (01:16:06):
And you know the claim is already here.

Speaker 1 (01:16:08):
But I'm unpacking and I'm sorting through this is my process.
You can help me with it, but I don't expect
you because I've been working on this before you. I'm
gonna keep working on that with you. Do you want
to stay around on the flight for that? You want
to ride with that?

Speaker 3 (01:16:24):
Well?

Speaker 2 (01:16:24):
Okay, okay, cool. Let me see your baggage, you know,
let's do bad for back. Let's see what you've got.
Facts about one.

Speaker 6 (01:16:34):
Facts. If y'all could meet some of the gentlemen that
I work with, y'all will love them in their mindset
and where they're headed, in their thoughts and their words
and the things that they are speaking on, Like I'm
I'm loving this new generation of me and coming up fire.

Speaker 3 (01:17:02):
Y'all.

Speaker 6 (01:17:04):
They really do, they really do. Oh my god, tonight
was great. I want to thank everyone for jumping in
on tonight's Live. I want to thank the comments. Mark Sunshine,
Oh my god, I'm sitting you love on a positive
energy Renee, I love you.

Speaker 1 (01:17:27):
Oh my god?

Speaker 6 (01:17:28):
Did I miss anyone else? Tonight's been great. What are
we doing next week?

Speaker 2 (01:17:38):
We'll talk about it backstage.

Speaker 9 (01:17:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (01:17:50):
Thank you to my wonderful panel John. He has been
with me on this road for three years. I you it,
it's been three years. Oh my gosh, it's been three
years since I started this. Yeah, and my brother, as
soon as I invited him on, he was Yeah, he

(01:18:10):
has not turned away supporter in ivy.

Speaker 3 (01:18:15):
Uh.

Speaker 6 (01:18:15):
We don't know where Sherman is. He's something we're working.
But he always show up on time.

Speaker 4 (01:18:21):
Yes he does. He always show up one time. Oh
and we are Tuesday.

Speaker 5 (01:18:30):
No, I was just going to say that, was just
going to tell her that we are on every Tuesday, another.

Speaker 3 (01:18:36):
Tuesday, seven pm.

Speaker 2 (01:18:42):
It's eighty.

Speaker 6 (01:18:47):
Three years John.

Speaker 2 (01:18:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:18:52):
And if you ps, t is five o'clock five pm.

Speaker 6 (01:18:57):
Yeah, all right. I want to thank everyone jumping in
on tonight's lot. We will see you all back here
next week.

Speaker 3 (01:19:03):
John, you got