Are you triggered by innocent behaviors of your lover due to infidelity trauma?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
No, God level.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
You can tell him my setting level up. God love
what you can telling my setting level up, God level.
You can tell him my setting level up, level up,
level up. Everything that means every name.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
Connected to everything, and that's why, and that's why everything.

Speaker 4 (00:26):
All lies, all lies on everything.

Speaker 3 (00:30):
That means everything eyes connected to everything.

Speaker 5 (00:35):
And that's why and that's why it is everything.

Speaker 4 (00:41):
Yeah, I seen you back up. I've seen you back there.

Speaker 6 (00:46):
Girl.

Speaker 5 (00:46):
I'll be vibing. I'll be vibing.

Speaker 4 (00:48):
Everybody be vibing. I mean, God should be hitting. I'm
telling you that Gihna should be hidding. I'm gonna starting
on the show be hitting. Okay, that's I don't want to.

Speaker 5 (01:03):
Oh my god, so funny.

Speaker 4 (01:07):
Oh I heard too shot and he was coming to Washington,
d C.

Speaker 5 (01:10):
So what I'm leaving. That's what this little inside joke
between and.

Speaker 4 (01:23):
I love it. I love it. You need a too, Oh.

Speaker 5 (01:28):
My goodness, Laura, Come on in the room, girl, come
on in.

Speaker 4 (01:38):
Let me share.

Speaker 5 (01:40):
Yes, come on in and likely share because we got
some juicy stuff to talk about today.

Speaker 4 (01:47):
What is John doing.

Speaker 5 (01:48):
He's doing something. Listen, I'll just sad. Infidelity, trauma, that
that is real. That's this is real. Oh goodness, gracious,
how you gonna come in?

Speaker 6 (02:04):
Girl?

Speaker 5 (02:05):
I'm sar. Go ahead, I'm I'm gonna put myself on
you because you know I talk a lot. Go ahead,
do y'all?

Speaker 4 (02:10):
Do men have those were you where your girl then
cheated on you and you see certain things and it
kind of triggers you remind you of of some things
that happened in the past with your previous people.

Speaker 7 (02:26):
It's probably out there, but John has an experienced that
because I got a remedy for mine.

Speaker 4 (02:32):
What's the remedy?

Speaker 2 (02:34):
It's very straightforward to do.

Speaker 6 (02:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (02:37):
I was like, we got to get into it what
the remedy is because I'm suffering from that right now.

Speaker 6 (02:46):
Welcome to God Level. Yeah, let's get it correct.

Speaker 4 (02:50):
I don't want to talk about brought to you by
God Level. I am originally from Santan Louis, Missouri. I
am a mother, I am a nurse, I have I'm
an entrepreneur, I have this podcast. I'm a sister, I'm
a friend, I'm my aunt, I'm a gigi. I am
everything good. Ivy. You want to go ahead and represent yourself.

Speaker 5 (03:09):
What's going on? Good people? Is your girl and intentive ivy.
You can find me on TikTok all social media platforms
where I like to talk about mental health. I like
to talk about ADHD. I like to talk about autism,
autism spectrum, anything that affects us mentally health wise. Because
I'm the owner of all my own ADHD hamsters. You
know what I'm saying. I am a mom's sister friend,

(03:30):
former broadcast journalist in the military, and I'm gonna share
my shit from my perspective because I'm like I like
to keep it a buck. I like to keep it real.
I'm always going to come from my perspective, so as always,
I like to keep it a buck. Let's go, Lat's go.

Speaker 4 (03:46):
Let's go.

Speaker 7 (03:47):
John.

Speaker 4 (03:47):
You want to go ahead and represent yourself.

Speaker 2 (03:50):
John Scott Walker, the slot talker Here.

Speaker 7 (03:51):
I'm a lyricist, spoken word artist, martial artist, personal trainer,
love of life, student of psychology. Now I'm a father.
Like I said said, I am a personal trainer and
I am taking clients right now. If you have a
mental illness PTSD, you struggle with major depressive disorder, panic disorder,
maybe you have diabetes, maybe you have cancer. If you

(04:12):
have a mental illness or even a physical disability a
physical disease. You can manage your symptoms with regular exercise.
If you don't know what you're doing, you don't know
what to do, where to go, how to do it,
how much to do? Hire a coach master dot John
Scott Walker master dot John Scott Walker on Instagram. Hit

(04:36):
me up and let's have a conversation. That's all we
got to do is just have a conversation. So so
let's go.

Speaker 4 (04:42):
King Newborn, you want to go ahead and represent yourself.

Speaker 6 (04:46):
Peace, peace, peace, this King Newborn.

Speaker 8 (04:48):
You can follow me on all social media platforms at
Newborn Everything.

Speaker 9 (04:53):
And as always I am that, I am of service
to the community, family, friends, loved one and uh little tip.

Speaker 6 (05:05):
I don't wait too later, let's get it.

Speaker 10 (05:12):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, how he's gonna be like,
we will tip it and we're gonna drop it.

Speaker 5 (05:19):
Drop that later.

Speaker 6 (05:20):
Yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 5 (05:23):
Let me write that down as a receipt because we
are keeping receipts.

Speaker 4 (05:26):
It's gonna drop that later. All right, let's let's let's
let's get on this topic tonight about are you triggered
by innocent behaviors of your lover dude to infidelity trauma?
MM hmm. Innocent behaviors such as laying the phone down

(05:51):
face down so you can't see.

Speaker 6 (05:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (05:57):
Yeah, so we want to take that FROs. We want
to leave the remedy for for later.

Speaker 4 (06:03):
Like how we want to Yeah, we we need to
leave the remedy for later. Let's talk about the problem,
of course, then the solution.

Speaker 8 (06:10):
Cool.

Speaker 5 (06:10):
So what is infidelity trauma?

Speaker 4 (06:17):
I mean that's pretty that's pretty, that's pretty easy. You
know has been cheated on? Who has been cheated on
that still is affected by that experience?

Speaker 7 (06:36):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 5 (06:39):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 4 (06:42):
That's you. Sound like a robot. Brother, you're a.

Speaker 6 (06:50):
Connection.

Speaker 2 (06:55):
He's on his phone.

Speaker 5 (06:57):
Okay, there I got yeah, m hm. What is infidelity trauma?

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Hey?

Speaker 4 (07:04):
Renee? How you doing?

Speaker 2 (07:06):
Girl?

Speaker 4 (07:06):
We happen in a really touchy subject tonight, like really touchy.

Speaker 5 (07:12):
But I'm happy to see you in here because it's
been a while since Ragi Rene has been in here.
Infidelity trauma, infidel The infidelity trauma shows up like PTSD.
It shows up like PTSD. Let's go ahead and keep
that on the buck because it affects your emotional it

(07:34):
affects your your your psychologic well being, it affects you physically,
it's like it's a break of trust. You know, it's
a it's a break of it's a it's a breaching reality.
So the way that it hits you, yeah, it's a
break in reality or what you thought that your reality was.

(07:55):
So you know when some people it's like when you
when that when that trauma has broken, and you like
that mask is pulled back and you finally see what,
you know, what's really been going on instead of what
you thought has been going on.

Speaker 4 (08:08):
Man, that's in past and start. I'm like, Okay, that's
what that meant. That's what that meant. That's what that meant.
I remember you said that. I've been doing a lot
of that here lately because I'm still healing from it.

Speaker 11 (08:20):
I don't even like to say his name, but it
you know there, I got you.

Speaker 4 (08:33):
You oh man.

Speaker 3 (08:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (08:38):
So it triggers knee jerking reactions similar to situations man,
And we're.

Speaker 5 (08:45):
Gonna get into that way.

Speaker 4 (08:47):
You are afraid to trust anybody after that?

Speaker 2 (08:52):
Man?

Speaker 4 (08:53):
She said, Girl, I got it it too, don't we
We don't even say their names no more.

Speaker 5 (08:56):
We just call them it now. That one, that one
right there, we call him Lucy. I'm just gonna leave
it there. I'm just gonna leave it there. Yeah, And
you know something it happens for oh my gosh, Like
they say, hurt people, hurt people, But what hurt people

(09:20):
don't understand is that when they when they can't see
how they're pushing out, like how they're hurting people with
their infidelity. Like it literally it makes a ripple. It
makes a ripple in generations because if I am mama
and I can't trust, right, what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna pass down that lack of trust to other people.

(09:42):
So let's go ahead and say that infidelity trauma not
only mirrors PTSD, but it can also be generational. You
know what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm gonna shut up because
y'all know I talk about I don't go ahead.

Speaker 4 (09:54):
But that was just one point. My daughter is sixteen
years old. She's already having fear of dating a man
like she's she's my mind, and seeing so much and
how they move and how they act and how they
talk and how they treat girls. She was I just
I just can't, I just I just can't. I told

(10:19):
Ivy the other night, I said, you know, after after
it I'm gay. I am officially gay. I don't want
that experience ever again, Like I am just gay now,
but I'm not taking any numbers. I haven't been down south,

(10:44):
So oh lord, have you are afraid of that happening again?

Speaker 5 (10:58):
There you are?

Speaker 4 (10:59):
It's traumatized, you know, and they really don't understand the
effects that it's having on you. And you know, and
we understand that hurt people, hurt people. You know. I
can look at it in pinpoint why he moves the
way that he moves and why he did the things
that he did. It still doesn't take away the fact

(11:19):
that he did it. Yes, he's named that I feel
and how I still get triggered by certain situations and
when I look back, I'll be like, whoa you know?
And sometimes I don't.

Speaker 5 (11:32):
Yes, so true, so true. I want to ask people
out there, I mean, if you're watching, you know, like
like if you've experienced infidelity trauma, like how is it
shown up for you?

Speaker 4 (11:45):
You know?

Speaker 5 (11:46):
Gentlemen? I know that it shows up, you know, like
and gentlemen in different ways, like how does it show up?

Speaker 2 (11:52):
And then.

Speaker 4 (11:55):
I love that Renee. I love that Renee And that's
what the nessactly what we're supposed to do. What we
are learning in these relationships we need to pass down
to our daughters. I just I just told my daughter,
maybe a couple months ago, don't ever love someone more
than you love yourself. I wish my mother would have
told me that. Yeah, I would have probably avoided a

(12:18):
lot of BS. I really if someone would have told
me love yourself more than you love them. But I
grew up in a household where my mother, and I'm
not gonna lie about this, she loved that man unconditionally
to her own detriment, to the point where she had

(12:38):
aches and pains and didn't go get herself checked out.
Now she's no longer with us because she put everybody
in front of her. And I'm gonna just leave that
at that. We'll talk about it at a later date.
But yeah, oh god.

Speaker 5 (12:52):
What are some triggers I'm trying not to like over listen.
I know my triggers and what they look like. So
I'm gonna keep it a whole entire buck right and
say that my my ex husband, Hi, Arc, how are
you good to see you back? My ex husband, his

(13:17):
m O was with with infidelity, and he was a serial.
He was a serial tear and and his thing, his
mo o was he would he would go look up
girls on either on all the social media like not
really he wasn't really like an apps person. He would
he would he would go into Facebook and Instagram, Oh

(13:40):
thank you so much.

Speaker 4 (13:42):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (13:42):
He would go into Facebook and Instagram and like and
like Twitter even and he would find women that looked
appealing to him, and he would strike up a conversation
or something and pursue them, tell them everything that they
wanted to hear. Right for me, because of the fact
that I was married to him, what that did for
me was it made me like anytime that he had

(14:03):
his phone down, like I automatically would think that, you know,
like I was thinking, Oh, he's probably talking to some
girl on social media and doesn't want me to see
or something best or if he went outside to take
a phone call, you know, like I would automatically be like,
oh like that, Like the panic would rise up inside
of me, you know what I'm saying, Like my body
would get tints and things of that sort. Like even

(14:25):
like I didn't really worry about him going out the clubs.
I didn't worry about like, you know, like none of
that stuff. His thing was digitally. Digitally, he could be
anything he wanted to be. So that was just so
either first. At first it was the computer. So so
I used to worry, like like if he was turning
the screen and I couldn't see the compute, that was

(14:45):
a trigger too. That's what my triggers. It would trigger that,
that it would bring that up. Oh man, yes, m yeah,
m M. There's plenty more. But I'm gonna let somebody else,
you know.

Speaker 4 (15:02):
Yeah, I'm gonna have to take some medicine.

Speaker 8 (15:04):
And I.

Speaker 5 (15:07):
Was just saying, like, that's how my triggers came up. Yeah,
it's a new world problem, that's right. And somebody you know,
I'm I'm in a psychology class. I'm back in college, right,
and I like, I literally read that the advent of
technology makes infidelity and and even like sexual addictions and
things like that, it makes it more prevalent because it's

(15:27):
so much easier, you know what I'm saying. So yeah,
oh yeah, Like I'm just gonna bring this up from
from Virgi. Yeah, when her issue is when being approached
by man super you know something. Yeah, that's another.

Speaker 4 (15:42):
One that I was talking to. I told you he
was moving so fast. I had to block him. I
was like, oh no, this this and within the first
two weeks it's dealing with it was a blessing and
a curse. Now I know what to lookout for, so
I I know when men tend to move too fast.

(16:03):
There that's that love bonding stage. That that conversation you're
trying to get into your head that I can't do no,
and you you, hey, man, that shit's real.

Speaker 5 (16:13):
Yeah, that is.

Speaker 4 (16:14):
That ship is real. They know how to pretend to
be someone that they're not for a short period of time.
You have to look for those little cracks, man, those
little cracks in the conversation. But yeah, don't I don't
even like talking to me, and don't talk to me?

Speaker 5 (16:30):
Can I can? I give y'all some vulnerability and a
story of something that literally just happened this Thursday and
I had to call Renee on it. Excuse me, I
had to call God level. I had to call God
level on it. So I went out with a friend
to a concert. And in this concert, I'm just minding
my own business. There's this gentleman who approaches me and

(16:53):
just approaching me with like in all the wrong ways,
you know, what I'm saying, looking over my shoulder, trying
to see what I'm typing in my phone, just being
a little bit rude, speaking about people and what they're
wearing and things like that sort. And I was basically like, dude,
like I'm trying to enjoy myself, you know what I'm saying.
Get away to the point where I was mean like wow,
like what is you know what I'm saying? What is
your deal? What is your problem? And I realized that

(17:15):
that came out of some insecurities that I'm still healing
within me. That was basically like, dang, I've done all
of this work and still that's the level. That's the
level of attraction that I'm you know what I'm saying
that I'm getting. That's a trigger. That was a trigger
for me. He reminded me of my ex husband, and

(17:35):
it was huge. I cried the whole next day. I
cried the whole next day, y'all thinking that I was
not worthy the PTSD from something that every human being needs,
which is love. That's the trigger. You know what I'm saying,
Go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 4 (17:52):
I'm sorry I had to correct you on that phone call.
You know, when you said you know, I'm still attracting that.
Everything is attracted to the light. It's all in what
you choose to entertain.

Speaker 5 (18:03):
That's it.

Speaker 4 (18:05):
Everything you're going to attract, the good, the bed, and
the ugly. It's all in what you choose to entertain.
And you wasn't getting ready to entertain that bullshit? But
why because I guess what, I've seen this before.

Speaker 5 (18:18):
Who I know you already back up?

Speaker 4 (18:22):
That was a test. Look at that as a test,
and you passed that. I'm sorry, excuse my language.

Speaker 5 (18:28):
No, it's all good. Though I wanted to. I wanted
to bring back up New Boy's question. He said it, So,
is this a character issue or flawed just for men
and not women? No, this is everybody across the board.
I was just talking about it not so long ago.
I'm like, there are female narcissists. There are females that
present I mean, very very myopic.

Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know.

Speaker 5 (18:54):
Oo, come on, man, you know what I'm saying. It
really does? It really does us. And and so I
have another friend we met as a part of a
codependence group because and he's a guy, right, and he
spoke about his he spoke about his relationship with his lady.

(19:15):
Oh my gosh behind, how can you go into a
new relationship with wo We're gonna stick a pin in
that because John already said he got excuse me, Skywalker
already said he got the solution. Listen, King Nerbourne got
a tidbit. So we're gonna get into it right. We're
gonna ask that question over there waiting like a like,
as soon as y'all be quiet. But yeah, so no,

(19:35):
that's not a character flaw. That is just I'm just
saying for myself, because y'all know I'll talk a lot.
I'm just saying, like, like, there are women that I
can't wrap my head around it either. And the thing
is is that they are more insidious. And I want
to point this out because the women who are like
this more than likely they are covert narcissists or they

(19:57):
are what's the other one, the one the altruistic narcissists.
So baby and those they they ripped deep. You know,
I'm gonna be quiet, I promise them the chat.

Speaker 4 (20:09):
I mean, go go back to mark, he said. But
how do you go into a new relationship without holding
past issues against them? I'm not in a safe way
with in a destructive way.

Speaker 7 (20:22):
You're supposed to heal. I was just talking to my
client about this.

Speaker 4 (20:26):
Right got to heal first.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
And healing you have to be humble. You have to
be humble.

Speaker 7 (20:33):
And when I say humble, that involves patience, that involves
honesty and a lot of the times and I'm just
I am going to single out women because men process
it differently.

Speaker 2 (20:46):
It's pretty usually pretty cold and cut like we know
what to do.

Speaker 7 (20:50):
It might take like our process is a little bit different,
but it's very cut and dry, it's very simple.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
But you're supposed to heal before you go into your
next one.

Speaker 7 (20:57):
There's no different than you know, you just out of
this job, but you're gonna hop right into another one.
This one took out all of this life out of you,
and you're just gonna go right back into work. You
ain't gonna take no time, vak babe, let me get
the machinery back in order. So you're supposed to heal.
You're supposed to confront yourself. You're supposed to review, Hey,

(21:18):
who was I in this relationship? It's not about what
they did. That's the wrong perspective. It's not about what
they did, but you put it on them because you
had all these expectations of them. It's about them, But
you're not recognizing that you were somebody in that relationship,
and you attracted that person in that relationship, and you
were who you were in that relationship, and you tolerated

(21:38):
all these behaviors in that relationship. So now that it's
ending and you're still holding onto that relationship instead of
just saying, Okay, it's done, it's finished. I can't bring
it back. There's nothing I can get back from that.
Who am I gonna be from this point on? Now
that I know that that exists, You're not doing that.
You're saying, Okay, I'm just gonna take a break for

(21:58):
a while. I'm just gonna wait, and I'm a hot
right into another relationship. You didn't learn anything, you didn't
process anything, you didn't change anything. So you think you're
going to get a different experience. Okay, Okay, y'all are
just talking to.

Speaker 4 (22:14):
I'm just gonna throw myself out there. I'm just gonna
throw myself out there. I had this conversation with Ivy
and she and she can concur I learned in this
past relationship with the hell I should have learned in
my marriage. Wow, I had to throw that out there.

(22:35):
I learned in this past relationship what I should have
learned in my marriage, And had I learned that from
my marriage, this past relationship would have never existed. So yeah,
I thought I did the work. I thought I was
doing the work.

Speaker 2 (22:50):
A lot of people think that they're doing the work right.

Speaker 7 (22:52):
Yeah, so so again, just to summarize, before you move
into another relationship, friendships included before you accept another application,
before you say, all right, hey, I'm taking new friends,
I'm taking new boozze.

Speaker 2 (23:06):
Are you healed? How do you know? What does it
look like? That part?

Speaker 7 (23:11):
People don't ask that question, what does healing look like? Oh,
I'm gonna heal? Okay, what does it look like? Well,
I'm just gonna heal. God would say, oh no, see
now you skip me some steps.

Speaker 2 (23:20):
You're about to.

Speaker 7 (23:21):
Repeat the same mistake. This is a learning process. You
have to learn how to be a boyfriend. You have
to learn how to be a husband. You got to
learn how to be a wife. You gotta learn this stuff.
You did it in one relationship. So you take what
you learn from that one and you apply it in
the next one. If your goal is monogamy, if your
goal is to be in a healthy relationship.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
That's it.

Speaker 6 (23:43):
Now.

Speaker 2 (23:43):
If you don't meet those.

Speaker 7 (23:44):
Criteria, hey, you just dating and you just having fun,
This don't apply to you.

Speaker 5 (23:49):
Come on, come on, two quotes? Can I pop out
these two quotes? I'm gonna tell you because literally, y'all
were with me when I went through all of this.
I literally started, like I've started my recovery journey since
four years ago. I started started through last year, and

(24:09):
y'all were here for all of that. I had to
take a break, right.

Speaker 4 (24:12):
The first thing.

Speaker 5 (24:13):
That really made an impact was a person. The amount
a person can heal is directly related to the amount
of bullshit they can hear about themselves and not run away.
That means for those people who are out there thinking,
oh but I'm perfect, nah boo, you got to do

(24:34):
some real search and you got to root that stuff
out and see how I had to look at me
and see how I showed up in my relationship. And
I'm not talking about that soft shit like, oh, I
let him treat me like this, I let him do No.
I had to look with ay when I wasn't doing X,
Y and Z. That was not my best self. When
I was doing this when I was getting angry. When

(24:54):
I was getting angry and I wasn't regulating my emotion,
it doesn't matter if he was justified or not. When
I was getting when I was getting angry and emotional
and I couldn't justify, I couldn't regulate myself.

Speaker 4 (25:05):
That was me.

Speaker 5 (25:06):
That was on me, when I was walling myself off.
That was me when I had to get real with me.
And how do I know that I've healed? We are
all human beings, and we all we keep evolving. The
one thing that I have seen that says that I
know I am going in the direction.

Speaker 4 (25:26):
Come on, she'd be spending bars, son bars.

Speaker 5 (25:32):
I think we need to ask ourselves why first you
want a relationship, period, and then ask what are our
personal expectations? And the thing is is if I realized
when everything came to a head last year that if
I didn't get real with me and who I was,
I was never going to be able to ask those questions.
Thank you, thank you, mag I was never going to

(25:52):
be able to ask those So I had to come
to me. Baby. You got to come to you like
you like you have to be a I'm sorry and
I'm no I'm ranted. You have to be able to
say what is my full shit? What is it? Because
I continue I could when I was in when I
was impatient, and I tell everybody about it because this

(26:13):
started it. My people in inpatient therapist, they said, Okay, yes,
you're mad at your parents for how they raise you.
But now now that you're mad, now that you're eighteen,
now that you're an adult, it is your job to
heal from the stuff that they did, because otherwise then
you're going to continue to hurt. I had to come
to myself, y'all and out there. That's it. That's what

(26:36):
you have to do and recognize, just like Christine said,
what is it that you even want in a relationship?
And for people who are now I say this, let
me speak to myself when I say this, so I'm
not ruffling any feathers. I thought, Okay, I don't have
a relationship forever in my life. I'm good. That's just
another form of trying to control the narrative. I realize

(26:57):
that too. If I wall myself off from even the
opportunity of love, no matter how long it is, then
I'm just I'm still controlling and I'm not letting stuff
flow freely. Okay, I'm shut up.

Speaker 7 (27:11):
All right, let's go ahead and finish this question out
because I got plenty more that are way more juicy
than this. All right, So triggers, all right, I just
want to, you know, throw out a few out there
that i've you know, that I've thought about.

Speaker 6 (27:24):
Right.

Speaker 7 (27:26):
I know, if you reference frequently reference a your ex partner,
that can stir up some insecurities. If you're being too friendly,
that can come off fast flirtatious. It could you know,
create some discomfort. Uh, if you physically or emotionally withdrawal

(27:49):
even for a little while. Oh, you're you're giving your
attention to somebody else. It's like, damn, I can't do
anything on my when can I?

Speaker 8 (27:58):
Right?

Speaker 2 (27:59):
So?

Speaker 8 (27:59):
Uh?

Speaker 2 (28:00):
What else? Uh?

Speaker 7 (28:02):
Scenarios from the past, Scenarios from the past, So anything
that can remind you of the infidelity, right, that can
cause classpects or anxiety changes in routine. That's a big one.

Speaker 2 (28:15):
Okay. He usually goes here, here, here, here.

Speaker 7 (28:18):
Here, and then he's here at this time, but then
all of a sudden you change up your route, you know,
even for a day. Oh where were you going? And
if you know your partner. If you know your partner's
routine and you know your partner first off, you wouldn't
be asking those kind of questions because you would know
the answer already. You wouldn't be thinking, oh, okay, they're

(28:41):
gonna go out there, way to do this because this
is how they move. You wouldn't ask that, you wouldn't
think that, you wouldn't go there.

Speaker 6 (28:47):
Right.

Speaker 7 (28:47):
But if you're so rigid and you're thinking that you
think they're only supposed to move like this, that could
be very imposing. And you're keeping them in the box
and you're not really allowing them to be autonomous, allowing
them to be a human being. You're not allowing them
to be themselves. So I have to stick to this
one routine to accommodate you. Last one I'm gonna throw
out there is it could be you know, the unexplained

(29:11):
absences of the silence.

Speaker 2 (29:12):
Right, So let's just say.

Speaker 7 (29:14):
For example, uh, you're not responding to your phone for
a little while, or you you know, you ghosted. You know,
you guys were talking today, then you didn't talk all
the all day you know tomorrow, Oh yeah, he hanging
with some bitch er.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
Oh she must be with her other niggas.

Speaker 7 (29:31):
All right, but you did hey, but then you talk
to him and you find out, Oh shoot, you get
sick too, Oh shoot, you got you get caught up
in you know, crazy situations too, just.

Speaker 2 (29:43):
Like, oh, my bad, my bad.

Speaker 9 (29:48):
So that next question, next question, who.

Speaker 4 (29:58):
Mm hm oh, And if you and if you are
not capable of doing that, don't get into a relationship.

Speaker 5 (30:14):
I'm lead for the John because a couple of object
permanence is a thing. If you have ADHD. Just throwing
that out there, I'm gonna shut up now, who was that?

Speaker 4 (30:28):
Okay, okay, all right, I got it. I got it
over on the side.

Speaker 5 (30:38):
So my remedy, my remedy for this right, everything about
me because of the fact I my ADHD is about balance.
I have realized that I suffer from black or white thinking,
which means everything can be all good or all bad,
everything can be all left or all right, everything can
be evil or completely godly. You understand what I'm saying.
So because I do that, I have to I have

(30:59):
had to learn the balance in things. Intuition and fear
feel very different.

Speaker 4 (31:05):
Right.

Speaker 5 (31:06):
My thing is is that I realize that feelings are
not facts. Feelings you feel feelings, because feelings they tell
you is time to act. It's time to do something.
If you feel fear, you've got to do something with
that fear. You have to act on that feeling instead
of just sitting in it. Right, if you are feeling angry,
if you are feeling suspicious, that means that you have

(31:28):
to act upon it. Sometimes that acting Sometimes the difference
between insecurity and intuition is understanding, I have this fear,
do I collect more evidence or do I wait and
do an observed You know what I'm saying, Like, that's
the difference, Like do you act on it at this
point or do you sit on it? You understand that's

(31:48):
the difference between intuition and actually insecurity. Because we all
have insecurities. The question is is what are we going
to do with those insecurities? You know, are we going
to And if you're bringing things back to yourself, if
you can see that, maybe that is an insecurity, then
it could be an intuition. You know what I'm saying, Like,
it's it's all about finding the gray. Yes, it's finding

(32:11):
the gray area in every info. My goodness, finding oh
my god, financial infidelity.

Speaker 11 (32:17):
Jesus, I'm sorry, okay, my bad, My bad.

Speaker 2 (32:23):
Go ahead, it's gonna get good.

Speaker 5 (32:26):
Come on, okay, okay, I'm sticking right.

Speaker 4 (32:29):
This sounds like we're gonna need a part too. But okay,
you keep saying it's juicy, it's juicy, it's icy.

Speaker 6 (32:38):
Man like man.

Speaker 2 (32:39):
But we still got all this over here.

Speaker 4 (32:41):
But yeah, a part too, yeah, yeah, but.

Speaker 5 (32:47):
Leading with oh my gosh, man the first thing. Yeah,
that's always instead of defensiveness. Instead of defensiveness. When I
did family therapy, therapist said, try not to lead with defensiveness.
What can you learn about yourself in this moment? Can
you be curious? Okay, I'm shut up.

Speaker 7 (33:07):
So you're you're taking all right, So I know you're
with the feeling part, but say more about the feeling.

Speaker 2 (33:14):
The difference in.

Speaker 4 (33:15):
Terms of feeling like, I don't like the feeling. It's
scaryest like in the like in terms of differentiating, I'm
not there yet. I'm still fresh. Okay, okay, okay, I'm
not there yet, all right, but thank you for explaining
that to me. Ivy. Now I know what to look for.

Speaker 2 (33:37):
Yeah, because you've been typing, I don't want you to type.

Speaker 7 (33:41):
I want you to talk to talk let's talk.

Speaker 8 (33:47):
This is interesting. I'm liking the way this is doing.
I'm liking to see that the comments, you know, I'm
liking knowledge.

Speaker 2 (33:55):
Between intuition and trauma driven feel Let's go.

Speaker 8 (34:02):
Oh man, I feel like your feelings can be misleading.

Speaker 6 (34:10):
They can.

Speaker 8 (34:10):
Feelings could definitely be misleading because sometimes we don't have
all of the information and it can could turn it
could turn into being delusional. You're creating something in your mind,
a false narrative. Yeah, and that'll take you down a
rabbit hole and you're destroying something great. And all you

(34:34):
have to do is take the time and ask questions,
you know, do a little.

Speaker 2 (34:38):
Research questions, right, right question?

Speaker 6 (34:42):
Yeah, the right question? Yeah, yeah, right question.

Speaker 7 (34:45):
Because there's a there's an art science to asking the
right questions to get there, you know, through certain answers.

Speaker 2 (34:51):
Right.

Speaker 7 (34:51):
So we were talking about intuition, right. Intuition tends to
be a lot more subtle. There's not a whole lot
of intuition. It's not a scream, it's a whisper. It's
that intercom that enterprise saying hey something's a little off. Yea, yeah,
it's great, it's great. But when it's trauma or if

(35:15):
it's insecurity. Even if it's insecurity, it's coming from a feeling.

Speaker 2 (35:20):
Don't know where it came from.

Speaker 7 (35:21):
But see and I And so this is why I
kind of honed in on this question. Because I hear
this from women. I'm like, ooh, you guys got selective intuition.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
I don't like it. I don't like that because it's
not fair.

Speaker 7 (35:35):
I don't like being accused of something and you call
it intuition. But if I do the same thing, it's insecurity.
Who said in the comments? Who said that? Was it?
Was it Seal who said that? Who said that in
the group? Somebody posted that in the group, that was
a really good comment. No, Samuel L Samuel said it

(35:56):
in the group, right, I wanted to. I'm honing in
on this because I think there's a large responsibility to
differentiate the two. You can't call insecurity intuition. That's not fair.
That's not fair. Intuition is very high. It is a
high vibe, and you're treating it like it's just this

(36:17):
print primitive feeling that's insecurity, that's based in your experience.
Intuition does have experience involved, but it's a jump. Logic
is a walk it's step by step. Intuition is a leap,
it's a jump. So it's like like you guys were
saying at the top, right, it's a call to investigate.

(36:40):
Insecurity does not call you to investigate the same way
as intuition.

Speaker 2 (36:45):
So we need to make sure that we distinguish those feelings.

Speaker 7 (36:48):
Sub Did you have a subtle feeling about this about
what he she's doing? Is it a subtle It's like,
let me go back, let me go get some yeah,
versus oh, hell no, I know this.

Speaker 2 (37:04):
You just jump to the conclusion.

Speaker 7 (37:08):
You just are already there is no I have a hypothesis.

Speaker 2 (37:11):
Is I have a theory?

Speaker 7 (37:13):
You don't have a theory yet you're still searching, right,
So we need to be very particular about this, all right, Like,
if you're hearing this, please distinguish your intuition from your insecurity.
Distinguish those two. It will not take you that long,
it won't. And once you have me to now you've
cleaned up your mechanism for detecting infidelity because a lot

(37:37):
of us think that we're really good at detecting infidelity,
but we're really not, all right, So dang man, y'all
are getting it with these comments. Is insecurity is hiding
behind hiding Okay, okay, okay, that's fair. Hiding behind it

(38:00):
the shield to protect, so it's protective. The insecurity is
trying to protect you.

Speaker 4 (38:06):
So you think about Mark, Mark, dude, you see the
number eight three two four seven nine nine zero three five.
I don't always, you know, call out people to call
in to explain that ship. I don't mean to be customed.

Speaker 5 (38:26):
That's what we do. It's on the podcast. I just
want to point out that you just said that. You
said it's it's that the insecurity and the reaction to
the insecurity is to protect yourself. Right when when people
show up in a controlling nature, it's because of the
fear of trying to control something that you don't have
control on. I'm shut up.

Speaker 4 (38:50):
Yeah, yeah, wait where is Mark? You better pick up
the phones, pick up the full.

Speaker 7 (39:00):
Like I'm that good at detecting it. That's why I
said I have my remedy. Yeah.

Speaker 8 (39:08):
So, so, what what will cause a person to have
in fidelity in a relationship.

Speaker 7 (39:17):
I mean, there's a lot of reasons, but I mean,
regardless of the moment, we don't care about the reasons.

Speaker 2 (39:21):
We always can happened. It's not reasons.

Speaker 12 (39:29):
And oh in a way, I mean in a way,
in a way, it kind of does matter because sometimes
you can call certain things that happen to yourself.

Speaker 8 (39:42):
You know, you could be in a relationship and now
be performing like you should in a relationship, especially in
a healthy relationship. You know, sometimes we think we are
the right person to be in a relationship with and
we not.

Speaker 2 (39:57):
Mm hmmm, all right, now here's my challenge that.

Speaker 5 (40:02):
Mmm.

Speaker 4 (40:02):
I had a conversation with a gentleman who's married. I'm
not going to say his name. I actually work with him,
and I asked him, why do men cheat?

Speaker 5 (40:11):
Man?

Speaker 4 (40:12):
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. To bring
it up, he said, he said, it's no rhyme or reason.
Things could be good at home, but if I see
something else I like and I feel like I can
get away with it, and I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 6 (40:26):
Man, that's a human experience. Dan got nothing to do
with men.

Speaker 4 (40:31):
Yeah, I mean, I'm.

Speaker 5 (40:31):
Just it doesn't But vigil I hit it right on
the head. Reasons don't matter. A man will cheap because
they want to. A woman will keep it which because
they want to. At the end of let me let
me give you another quote. I had a fellow tell me,
we judge ourselves ourselves based on our intentions. We judge up,
we judge others based on their actions. But if we

(40:55):
judged everybody based off of their intentions, would in the
world be we would be all hunky door Because I
didn't didn't mean to hurt her, I didn't mean to
hurt him. I didn't mean to hurt my kids. My
kid made me punch them in the face. What no,
you see the action, you go to jail for the action.
You understand what I'm saying. Even if your kid pissed
you off, stole money, ran down your granny, I don't

(41:16):
give whatever it is we see the action, you understand
what I'm saying. And we always talk about accountability on
this show. The thing is is if you're not performing
the way that you that maybe somebody else thinks that
you should perform in a marriage or in a relationship,
it's on both people to communicate that that's number one's

(41:37):
and then be curious as to why whatever it is
that you are or are not doing, why does it
hurt the other person? But the other person has to
communicate that I'm not a fucking mind reader. I'm not
about to read your mind, and I don't expect anybody
else to do the same thing for me. I finally
have started talking up for myself. And if we are

(41:57):
not talking to each other, if if you're not performing,
if I'm not performing, talk about it, get curious, figure
out something in the middle. I'm sorry. That just gotta
be like real, just because people are always said offward
they're not doing business, or they're not doing or I
didn't do X, Y and Z. Take a second to
look at yourself. It's the reason why I'm a whole hand.

Speaker 4 (42:19):
I'm gonna set up you're you're here? Oh okay, she
didn't flipped her hold on? Are we ready? Is this Mark?
I'll have Mark. How you doing?

Speaker 13 (42:33):
Oh god, I'm all right?

Speaker 4 (42:37):
You doing all right? Go go back to his? We
go back to his. Where is it at?

Speaker 5 (42:46):
You got a bunch of dangers?

Speaker 4 (42:48):
Yeah? Man, know where to begin? I don't even know
where to begin. I'm sorry, Yeah, go ahead, it was
your comment. I feel like intuition is just applying your
past experience to assume, to assume, Go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 13 (43:07):
I don't feel like and just the kind of thing
that people have.

Speaker 14 (43:12):
You know what I'm saying, Like a lot of people talk.

Speaker 13 (43:15):
About uh, you know, it's just some you know, like
some masterful thing you feel. It's applying the past experiences
you have to the current situation. You know what I'm saying.
If every time you talk to Jim he punches you

(43:38):
in the faith and then you see Jim, well you
know your intuition is gonna faith. It's gonna touch me
into faith.

Speaker 14 (43:46):
Do you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (43:49):
And so.

Speaker 13 (43:52):
You know, as far as relationships, do you know, uh,
you just learning these certain behaviors, even its unconsciously be
learned in certain kind of behaviors and over time, you know,
your brain just goes be Hey, it's as fucked up.
He's not doing a good thing. And people call it

(44:14):
in solution, but it's just kind of you're just applying
what you've learned, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, and
uh had an insecurity. I mean there's a lot to insecurity.
I don't mean to put it out so simple like that.
You know understanding there's a lot too insecurity, But as

(44:37):
far as relationships goes, you're gonna apply that insecurity to
everyone else.

Speaker 5 (44:46):
Mm hmmm, because you.

Speaker 14 (44:49):
Know, if if this guy came in a half hour
late because he was finding some other girl, or you know,
it was some other girl, and the next guy you
get with came a house, you're just gonna assume.

Speaker 13 (45:08):
I don't do the fact.

Speaker 14 (45:13):
But you know what I'm saying that it's kind of a.

Speaker 4 (45:19):
You know, I don't know I do do. You're you're
taking your past experience and you're you're going off of
what you went through with the previous or in the
previous relationships, and you're applying it to the relationship that
you are. Then now when you see certain things that
may have triggered you that the past person may have done,
and then may give you that thought that Okay, he's

(45:41):
out here doing something. Now I gotta investigate.

Speaker 13 (45:47):
Yeah, if every guy you've been with has done the
same thing, it's still unfair to assume that of the
new guy.

Speaker 6 (45:58):
Oh m hmm.

Speaker 2 (46:01):
I mean.

Speaker 5 (46:05):
That's a there's a psychological term for that. It's called
fundamental attribution error. Break that down exactly, so that means, okay,
I'm just gonna go ahead and read. So it's a
cognitive bias. That means that causes people to overemphasize a
person's personality or character when explaining their behavior instead of

(46:26):
looking at their external factors. Like John just said, he
was like, you know, like I don't take the same
route to work one day and automatically that's a that's
a personality flaw or that's a character flaw. Oh he
out there cheating. No, I just decided to go a
different route this day because I didn't want to hit
my tires on something. It's the same.

Speaker 7 (46:46):
There's other explanations, right, but the fundamental, Yeah, the fundamental
is a basic assignment. Right, So these core characteristics, all right, cool,
you can explain all of this behavior through these core qualities.
But anything outside that would influence that, you're gonna ignore it.
You have a bias against that. So you're like nah, na.

Speaker 2 (47:06):
Na, because who does that?

Speaker 7 (47:08):
That's not how you move as if your environment doesn't
influence your behavior, right.

Speaker 5 (47:14):
For a person who's always for the person who's late
to work, unless you're me, because I was always thirty
minutes late to.

Speaker 4 (47:21):
Work, I'm sorry, but me pose always.

Speaker 5 (47:26):
I'm just saying, right, but people I used. I literally
had somebody come up to me and was like, why
are you light to this. Why are you late to
this thing? Don't you know that this is important to to.

Speaker 7 (47:36):
X, Y and Z.

Speaker 5 (47:37):
And I was like, it's not like I like I
literally I said all the alarms, I did all the things,
and I had three children at the like little children
at the time. I was like, time got away from me.
But nobody can see that.

Speaker 4 (47:50):
Why.

Speaker 5 (47:50):
It's because of the fact that we judge ourselves based
on our intentions. We judge others based on their actions.
I'm gonna put myself back on me. So yeah, you
hear the.

Speaker 4 (48:01):
Word we gotta We got another call mark. I want
to thank you. I appreciate you and keep watching. All right?
Oh sure, kid in my hold on. Oh I don't
know who I'm talking to. It won't let me. I

(48:21):
can't put I can't pull it up to put it
on speakers.

Speaker 5 (48:24):
So whoever that was called back.

Speaker 4 (48:27):
Ohead, Wait a minute, here we go whom I speaking?

Speaker 1 (48:30):
A lad.

Speaker 5 (48:35):
Ship?

Speaker 4 (48:43):
Okay, I'm gonna say what more time?

Speaker 8 (48:47):
Ship?

Speaker 4 (48:47):
Okay, okay, okay, all right, go ahead with your comic.

Speaker 5 (48:50):
Ho that has low.

Speaker 10 (49:01):
Emotional intelligence, They're gonna everything is gonna be a trigger
and it's our and if you and if we do
choose a partner like that.

Speaker 2 (49:12):
A part of being.

Speaker 10 (49:13):
In a relationship is understanding our understanding our partner's trigger
and if you and if this person's value it is
better than what their triggers are, then then it's our
job to its just so that's not locking our phone,
that's not doing these little things.

Speaker 2 (49:35):
And basically with these people consistently.

Speaker 10 (49:39):
Because we told somebody that has trauma, and that also
is all responsibility as we.

Speaker 2 (49:46):
Do choose a partner.

Speaker 14 (49:50):
So basically, if you choose somebody that was consistently.

Speaker 10 (49:53):
Cheated on, that means that you are getting into a
contract with somebody that has those emotional triggers right right,
and I.

Speaker 14 (50:04):
Mean to play.

Speaker 13 (50:05):
Because you chose to partner up with this person.

Speaker 10 (50:09):
So now your option is either lead a relationship or
or basically adjust to their triggers and they're lower emotional intelligence.

Speaker 6 (50:23):
M h.

Speaker 5 (50:27):
Yeah, I have m hmm.

Speaker 4 (50:31):
I have no comment. That was like like like king
the one just said boom drops Mike, that was I mean,
who's getting ready to argue that nobody, because that was
just that was that was traded to the point. That
was real. That was real, right, Thank you for calling in.

Speaker 5 (50:53):
We appreciate you all right, because that's very true, very true.

Speaker 4 (51:03):
For the chore use my language. He went straight to
the core. We'll be saying that the whole time.

Speaker 5 (51:11):
Excuse my language, like why why are you? Why are
you apologizing?

Speaker 4 (51:18):
I mean, yes, girl, I love you. Everyone has trauma
in some capacity. That is true. But after you've healed
from trauma and you've been exposed to so much traumatizing ship,
you can actually there I go again. You can point
out other people's traumas. You can, you know what. That's

(51:41):
why listening to them talk conversations about how they grew up,
man will teach you a whole lot about.

Speaker 6 (51:47):
A person.

Speaker 4 (51:50):
How that you grow up. You know, it'll.

Speaker 5 (51:54):
It'll teach you.

Speaker 3 (51:56):
M h.

Speaker 5 (51:57):
I'm gonna say this being a person with I'm not
gonna lie. I got a lot of trauma, you know
what I'm saying, And it's one of the reasons why
I know I needed to make the decision to heal, Right,
I had to take I had And I want to
say this out there for anybody who's watching. Everybody talks
about healing, what does that look like? Because nobody's ever
talked about what that looks like when you have dealt

(52:17):
with infidelity, infidelity, trauma. What healing looks like Literally, you
still have the wiring that you have in your brain.
You're always gonna have the triggers. So what healing means
is when you have the trigger come up. Instead of
going left or right, black or white, which you do
is you take you take a pause, you rationalize, you

(52:38):
you literally you emotionally regulate, and you decide to make
a more a more informed decision about what you're gonna say.
For me, I have to come out of looking at
my own intentions and looking at somebody's actions and actually
be curious and talk about it. You know what I'm saying.

(52:59):
I have to recognize the trigger. I have to realize
that just because of the fact that I'm triggered, that
doesn't mean that I'm allowed to hurt other people. You
know what I'm saying. And I'm not gonna lie to you. Man,
That's in the purpose of this life is to you know,
I mean something. We all have shades of light and dark.
I don't want I want to do the least amount

(53:21):
of harm that I possibly can. So for me, the
healing means looking at what it is that I'm doing
and if it's like making an intentional decision and making
a healthy choice. So that's what healing looks like. You
can still be pissed off, you can still be angry,
you can be all of the different things. But the
question is is what is what you're doing. Is it

(53:41):
in the best interest of you and that other person
who you have a relation with, because sometimes you want
to say shit to another person, but it's not helpful,
it's not kind, it's not considerate. You know what I'm saying,
think of because you're dealing with a person, and a
person is going to have feelings. So sometimes that means
for me stopping and noticing, can I do something healthier?

(54:05):
I'm gonna be quiet again.

Speaker 4 (54:07):
Triggers, don't give you license to react poorly. Please. Me
and Ivy are two different women. She is gonna less
end the blow. I want to be too shot.

Speaker 6 (54:16):
Annie.

Speaker 4 (54:24):
No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, John, PS, how you doing.

Speaker 5 (54:43):
Okay?

Speaker 4 (54:44):
All right? All right, that's high emotional intelligence. You go, girl.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
I'm trying.

Speaker 5 (54:54):
I'm gonna little be known. It's not perfect and you
have to work and you have to make. You have
to make mistakes, and you have to learn from those mistakes.
But learning to love yourself and learning to love another
person means I'm not going to give up on you.
So you show up however you show up. You show
up pissed off, you show up sometimes selfish, sometimes destructive,
sometimes angry. I'm going to let you have space to

(55:14):
have all of that stuff and going to going to
going to the question answering the question that that's popped
up now, are you punishing your your present partner for
for those that infidelity trauma. That's the reason why I'm
taking the time to heal because of the fact that
if I ever whether or not it be six six months,

(55:36):
six years when I'm sixty, if I ever get into
another relationship, I don't want to hurt somebody intentionally for
the mistakes of my last of the past relationships. I
don't want to judge all all people in the light
of the people who did things you know what I'm

(55:58):
saying that weren't necessarily that healthy to me. So I
don't want to do that. So I have to take
the time out of hell, and it takes a lot
of humility. Once again, something else that was mentioned on
the show. I'm setting up again.

Speaker 4 (56:12):
You doing wonderful, doing great. I love it, I love
it you're teaching.

Speaker 8 (56:21):
So, with that question, punishing your current partner for the
mistakes of your previous relationship for previous partner, would that also.

Speaker 6 (56:32):
Be a reflection of your relationship with yourself.

Speaker 15 (56:38):
Yeah, absolutely, yeah, absolutely, do not do And with that
being said, do not jump into another relationship after being
in a relationship.

Speaker 4 (56:55):
Give yourself time to heal, focus on you, figure out you.
Because there's too many people, are too many women and
men that go from person to person to person, the
person thinking that next person is going to fix what
that last person has broken. No, that job is yours
and your That job is yours alone. I can't move
on to the next person expecting him to fix me. No,

(57:17):
I got to fix myself. I got to show up
in my in the highest version of myself in the
next relationship. Who don't care.

Speaker 2 (57:27):
You see how we're talking.

Speaker 7 (57:30):
Now, you see how we're talking in the beginning. It's
not about them. It's about who you are in the relationship.
Who are you and who are you as the wife?
Who are you as a husband? Who are you?

Speaker 2 (57:45):
What kind of husband. Are you what kind of are
and so?

Speaker 7 (57:50):
Okay, now we understand infidelity as being something going on
with them.

Speaker 2 (57:56):
It ain't ain't. So this is why I'm saying.

Speaker 7 (57:59):
You know about setting those right, Oh, you get all
these things that it caused to be the cheat?

Speaker 8 (58:10):
Right you.

Speaker 2 (58:13):
Forced me. This is where I'm trying to get at.
This is what I'm trying to get at.

Speaker 7 (58:23):
Okay, more on who you're trying to be in the
relationship from beginning to end.

Speaker 4 (58:30):
I'm talking about you when.

Speaker 7 (58:32):
You break up, because how you break up? How you
break up says a lot about your characters. Still because
I'm okay, so, how are you still going to be?

Speaker 6 (58:42):
Bitter?

Speaker 2 (58:43):
Mad, upset, disappointed? Who are you still when.

Speaker 7 (58:47):
You have these feelings up may have been stimulated by
your lover, matter how many transmissions they made.

Speaker 2 (58:56):
Who are you still in the end?

Speaker 4 (59:00):
Drop Mike, there you go.

Speaker 5 (59:04):
I love, I love Come on, man, this is what
I said.

Speaker 2 (59:10):
This is why I say, does it really matter why
they cheat? It unless?

Speaker 7 (59:15):
But I just need to understand why you did it
so that I can empathize with you. Okay, cool, you
want to be able to have more compassion for the
fact that they cheated. So in order to do that,
you have to take on that perspective their motivations, what
they did. You have to you got to immerse yourself
in the experience secondhand, so you can be like, okay,
they are feeling like this, Okay, now that allows me

(59:38):
to give them more love, compassion, understanding.

Speaker 2 (59:42):
But some people just want to.

Speaker 7 (59:43):
Know just to add more fuel to the fire. So
what is your motivation for knowing those details? What is
your motivation? Why do you need to know? How is
that going to help you heal? How is that going
to advance you forward? Is that going to give you closure?
Is that information that closure?

Speaker 2 (01:00:02):
Well? I need more time. I need more time to
ask you more questions.

Speaker 7 (01:00:05):
Okay, listen, if we're honest here, nobody owes us anything.

Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
It's voluntary. Okay. You can enforce You.

Speaker 7 (01:00:14):
Cannot force your spouse, your lover to tell you why
they did what they did. Okay, if you respect their autonomy.
This is me presuming that you respect their autonomy. You
cannot force them to give you information that they have
about their experience. They cheated, you didn't. So this is

(01:00:34):
the humility, right, and this is hard. It's hard.

Speaker 2 (01:00:39):
It's really to decide yourself.

Speaker 7 (01:00:41):
What you want out of this experience? They cheated, It's done.
Now what do I want? So that's why I was saying.
The remedy is pretty simple if you think about your boundaries.
All right, Hey, if you do this, this is happening.
If you do this, this is happening. If you do this,
this is happening. All it takes is one time, if
you're wise enough. All it takes is one time for

(01:01:03):
you to say, you know what, I need to develop
some new strategies to investigate to secure myself.

Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
One time. You're not learning, Hey, this could happen to
me again. You're not learning it.

Speaker 7 (01:01:16):
So you're not talking about the questions now right right?
Them cheating, it's not about anticipating the cheating. If you
have a plan action already in place, when they cheat,
it's just all of the plan. You need to be
in the emotion. And that's not a plan. The emotions
is not a plan.

Speaker 2 (01:01:35):
That's an experience.

Speaker 7 (01:01:37):
What do you do if you catch them cheating? I
catch this or this is happening. This is happening. Uh,
Protocol A or Protocol zelta Zelda is gonna initiate and
I'm gonna even though what happened, Like, dang, you move quickly?
Were you planning for me to Were you planning this

(01:01:57):
whole time?

Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Brother?

Speaker 4 (01:02:07):
What the are you listen?

Speaker 8 (01:02:15):
I mean real, real quick, real quick, John, John said
it really, I mean simple when you put rules in place,
When you put rules in place, and you have true
intentions from beginning to end, but you keep the main
thing give being true to yourself, no matter what you
standing on your business about self, no matter what the school.

Speaker 1 (01:02:38):
Is, somebody that still they're gonna do what they want
to do. That's against your intentions, your rules, your regulations.
At that very moment, you have to make a decision.
It ain't even but you got to make a decision.
Do I stay, do I go?

Speaker 6 (01:02:54):
Period?

Speaker 8 (01:02:55):
Because like John would say, well, it's a long episode ago.
Once I forgive you, that's it, that's it. Once I
forgive you, that's it. It's done, that's it. Ain't no rehashing,
no rumination. It's done. So you can't you can't lie
about that. If it's done, it's done. If it's not done,

(01:03:16):
don't say it's done.

Speaker 2 (01:03:17):
When it's not.

Speaker 6 (01:03:19):
That's honesty.

Speaker 2 (01:03:20):
That's it's simple and strict, right.

Speaker 7 (01:03:23):
But I won't say it was saying, uh, the value, right,
the value you have for an individual.

Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
So let's just say they cheat it and I know
we gotta wrap this up.

Speaker 7 (01:03:34):
They cheat it, right, and you decide, all right, if
they cheat, maybe I want to hold on to them
because I really value this relationship. So yeah, I'm gonna
investigate to decide whether I can I not that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
It's not about them, it's me. They cheated.

Speaker 7 (01:03:49):
I need to decide whether I can still trust them
because I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:03:52):
Not gonna be in a relationship or I can't trust them.
Why are you in a relationship you can't trust them?

Speaker 6 (01:03:57):
What are you doing?

Speaker 7 (01:03:59):
You can make it something work, but you don't even
trust this relationship, So why are you in it?

Speaker 6 (01:04:05):
So danger zone?

Speaker 7 (01:04:07):
Constant danger zone? And you're blaming them for your distrust.

Speaker 2 (01:04:11):
But you made that person.

Speaker 7 (01:04:17):
You're like, you know what, they are bigger than this infidelity.
Then you're investigating just so you can decide how to
move forward in the relationship. All right, Cool, I figured
out how I can forgive you and move on.

Speaker 2 (01:04:32):
But if you're not at that space, don't even try it.

Speaker 5 (01:04:36):
And if you can't forgive, cut it loose. I say
that because women, we are good for this. I'm under
stare because I used to be there, right, I was
looking at I was looking at the infidelity as it
was a mistake instead of a parent and me and illusion.
I thought, Oh, if I just be a better wife,

(01:04:58):
if I wife more, if I WI harder, if I
if I if I do all the things that you
know that I've been told, If I do all of
those things, then that means that I'll be forgiven. And
I wasn't looking at the reality where it was a pattern.
So then the resentments came up, and I wanted to
be like, Okay, it's his fault. Nah, man, it's me

(01:05:19):
be because my thing is is that I made the
choice to ignore the pattern. I made the choice to stay.
You know, I did the mental gymnastics that told me
I needed to stay. So when it comes back to myself,
when it comes back, I mean, yes, we could be
pissed off. And I even told my brothers last week.
I was like, look, I'm not gonna lie. I might
not have any good things to say because I'm on

(01:05:40):
some shit, like for real, that's what I'm more like,
you know what I'm saying. But at the end of
the day, I mean I did, you know, but it's
not even so much as it's not even so much
as men. It's I need to take time with me
to understand me so I can start to develop those
strategies that Scott Walker talked about, those strategies within myself,
I can see things as somebody is being a human

(01:06:03):
and they making mistake, or somebody is being extra ignored,
like ignoring everything and they're they're making patterns. Right, I
can see the patterns. A lot of times the ADHD
can't see the patterns. So I gotta spend time with
myself and develop a strategy of how can I see those?
And yes, speaking on your value, the teacher will value
the T T far less because you don't value yourself.

(01:06:26):
That's what it all came down to. Wow, I had
all this stuff and did not even realize because it
was ingrained in me that all I was worth was us.
I'm sorry, go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 8 (01:06:41):
I want to point out sometimes when we make a decisions,
that decision can cause you a lot of pain, but
it's being official and it's good for you in the hand.

Speaker 6 (01:06:52):
So it's important to know your value and know your work.

Speaker 8 (01:06:55):
Yeah, sometimes like John, like like Sky Walker pointed out
God love was well, it's time on you too. Walking
away might be the best answer for everybody. Yeah, but
they help you save your sanity.

Speaker 4 (01:07:10):
Like we're talking peace of mind, because you really want
to be hyper visilin every day in a relationship with somebody.
You don't think.

Speaker 5 (01:07:20):
I'm just saying that's where PTSD comes from, because that's.

Speaker 2 (01:07:23):
What we do.

Speaker 4 (01:07:24):
Happen, That's what I h provisionally every day in a
relationship with someone that is exhausting.

Speaker 5 (01:07:32):
And last thing said, relationships are not here. I say,
there's all that. Our relationships are not here to make
us happy, because if we're human, we should find happiness
within ourselves. Relationships are here to shape us. They're here
to make us conscious. They're here to break us. They're
here for us to learn. They're here for us to

(01:07:52):
learn conflict resolution. They're here for us to learn how
to how to attend to this thing called humanity in
the space that we live in. So yes, yes, when
you leave your hap the hands of somebody else, you
have you have designed and set yourself up for that
whole entire relationship to fail.

Speaker 4 (01:08:10):
I'm gonna leave it there and shut the funk up.
That's what man, Do you have any more courtions? Is
this a part two? When we're coming back, We got
to do a part two. We gotta do a part two.
And before you, before we go, even the people that
do not grow is teaching you what it will be
like if you don't. I'm just saying that experience with
that person who refuses to grow, that is just a

(01:08:33):
blueprint for you or what it will look like if
you don't. So yeah, okaya, I love y'all. Folks. With y'all,
I would too, shot and everybody for y'all, I'm going goodbye.

(01:08:59):
This is god level things that people don't want to
talk about. We will be back next week to for
part two. Oh my God, give us give us the
next question, John, give us a teaser. What's the next question?

Speaker 2 (01:09:12):
What's the next question? I mean, we'll shoot, you know what.
Let's see.

Speaker 7 (01:09:18):
It sounds like we need to kind of lean a
little bit more on this one.

Speaker 4 (01:09:25):
Just accusations affect so much and we're gonna leave it
right there and come back and pick that up next week.
I want to say thank you everyone who jumped in
on tonight's Live. The phone calls they came in from
jose Mark, I appreciate all the comments and we will
see you all back here next week. John, you got

(01:09:49):
me