Do You Speak Life Into Your Children?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, good level.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
You can tell them my setting level up god love
what you can telling my setting level.

Speaker 3 (00:09):
Up God level.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
You can tell them my setting level up level up,
level up jump. Everything that means every name connected to everything,
and that's why and that's why everything, all my song
all lies everything, that thing, everything, it's connected to everything.

Speaker 4 (00:36):
Okay, we are so sorry, we're super late. We are
really super How are you all doing all right? Good?
I seen you'll chopping it up before when I when
I got on and I was so guess we can

(00:57):
go ahead and get started. This is god level things
that people don't want to talk about. I am originally
from Saint Louis, Missouri. I'm a mother, I'm a nurse,
I'm an I and I'm a gigi. I'm a sister,
I'm a friend, I have this podcast. I am everything good. John,
you want to go ahead and represent yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
This is John Skywalker's a sly talker. I'm a lyricist,
spoken word artist, martial artist, personal trainer, lover of life,
s general psychology, and I am a father who has
five hip hop albums streaming on all major streaming platforms title,
Apple Music, Amazon Music, Pandora I'm out there, search for

(01:40):
John Skywalker. Search for John Skywalker. If you want some conscious, positive, uplifting,
motivating hip hops, so.

Speaker 4 (01:52):
Lout so lou Ken new one. You want to go
ahead and represent.

Speaker 3 (01:57):
Yourself, m hm, peace piece piece, just king Newborn. You
can follow me on all social media platforms that Newborn
everything and as always I am that I am of
service to the community in France foremost to the primary
for describers, the newcomers, and everything is beautiful.

Speaker 4 (02:22):
Okay, that's what's up. Sherman, you want to go ahead
and represent yourself.

Speaker 1 (02:28):
I am Sherman Vaughn and uh, like I always say,
I'm not as decorated, and I love that. I mean,
you're in the room that you're supposed to be in
and this is a good topics, full up your seat.
You don't check it in.

Speaker 4 (02:41):
I can't get it to I'm having a problem on
Facebook with my privacy. It's like it's it won't let
me update.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
It, won't let you edit it to change it.

Speaker 4 (02:53):
Yeah, I can have it open to everyone.

Speaker 2 (02:57):
Like yeah, you just oh, you can't click that there?

Speaker 4 (03:00):
And then I did. I did click the three dots.
That was the thing I couldn't it's not going to
the next, move in to the next. Oh God, let
me try it again, because I just want to edit privacy. Well,

(03:21):
we'll go ahead and get started while I work on
my technical difficulties over here. Tonight's topic is do you
speak life into your children?

Speaker 3 (03:32):
Mm hmmm, said you miss us?

Speaker 4 (03:37):
Who?

Speaker 3 (03:40):
Who said who? Mike?

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (03:47):
It's he do. Tell him he do, he's still.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
If he's available. If he's available, yeah.

Speaker 4 (03:57):
Because that may be busy. Tell him come mom, tell
him talk on the night. I ain't doing nothing.

Speaker 2 (04:05):
M oh yeah, kings frozen over there, what.

Speaker 4 (04:16):
Do you know what? Okay? I was in the store
gas station one day, and I've seen the way this
mother was talking to her son, and I mean she
called him everything but his name, and he's just looking
like you're destroying and your and everyone around was looking

(04:45):
at her, and she didn't care. She didn't care that
she was calling him a dumb a stupid like dad
and going completely off. And I thought to myself, when
she he gets old enough, he's out of there. If
this is the type of if what she is doing

(05:09):
now is what she's doing in the home, day in
and day out, he's not going to be around loan
and that right there, And I thought to myself, this
is going to be his reason for not liking women.
Look at his mother, Look at how his mother is
talking to him, how his mother is treating him. So, yeah,

(05:31):
words are very powerful. When raising all of my children
in the same household, I didn't allow for certain words
to be said, like dumb. You can't use that in here.
You would not use that, even in a playful term
to describe one another, because I didn't give birth to
another single dumb child. I'm sorry this, you know, speaking

(05:57):
life into your children, that shit a long language, should
come naturally. You should be doing that.

Speaker 2 (06:03):
Well, okay, so it's natural to a healthy minded individual. Okay,
that's natural because you know, you got to think like
begets like okay, so someone who's healthy. Right. So when

(06:24):
we're looking at parents, a lot of the times we don't,
you know, really know the psychology behind the parent, you know. So,
but that's what we're exploring. Right, But you did, I
mean you did kind of already respond to the question,
right whatever he did the first size, right, But you
did just capture a moment, right, a moment in time, right,

(06:47):
So we wouldn't summate her parenting from that one moment.
We would just be like okay in that moment, but
it would make you wonder, like dang, I wonder how
often she does that? Right, because it wouldn't make you
wonder about that, like dang. All right, this is kind
of that abnormal. All right. We know about parents going off, right,

(07:08):
but there's reasons for that, right.

Speaker 4 (07:11):
It's it's okay to go off, but you're doing it
right here in the gas station in public. You're using
degrading words like you stupid? What the fuck are you dumb?

Speaker 5 (07:24):
And I'm like, this little boy's going to grow up
to be a mad one day, and you never get.

Speaker 4 (07:34):
It in him till the next time you raise up
on him, he raised back up on you because you've
been seeing.

Speaker 2 (07:40):
That being hostile, yes, that.

Speaker 4 (07:49):
Anger, watching his face and and every man in her
looking at her like really, you really got to talk
to him like that, even the women. And I was
so uncomfortable. I wanted to say something, but I didn't

(08:09):
have my peace back then. I wanted to say something,
but you like is that necessary? Is it necessary for
you to kill his confidence in himself?

Speaker 2 (08:27):
But could you though? And I think that's something else
that we kind of consider here.

Speaker 3 (08:32):
Right.

Speaker 2 (08:32):
So we got the village, right, we have the village,
but it's also kind of like not the village. You know,
you gotta kind of feel it out, Okay, So that
that is a curious case. Could you do that, right?
Because because I'm looking at it like, that's not my kid,

(08:53):
that's not my situation, right, And I'm intentional. I'm not
going to go up to somebody if I don't feel
like I can convince them. The first thing I take
into consideration is this person don't know me. Therefore there's
no trust. If there's no trust, it doesn't matter what
I say to them. And I cannot be so presumptuous
to to say or declare, Oh, if I say something,

(09:16):
it's gonna change. This is gonna stop because if they're
hostile to the kid.

Speaker 4 (09:21):
Oh, they're definitely gonna be hostile.

Speaker 2 (09:23):
So why do I want that kind of smoke? I
know it's a kid. I know it's a kid, but
it's not my kid. There's a boundary, and I respect boundaries, right.
So that is a curious case, though, isn't it Where
you want to say something.

Speaker 4 (09:37):
Want to say something like man, you want to like
that is that necessary?

Speaker 2 (09:43):
Because I'm telling you if look, you may not agree
with my parenting practices, but boy, you do not want
to smoke with John because it's like, oh, you want
a lesson to day too, Because I'm disciplining my kid
and you coming over here telling me how I should.
I will discipline you if you're not careful, you know,
And it's like, oh, okay, now I see what I'm

(10:05):
dealing with. I see what kind of It's like, Yeah,
you came over here trying to parent me. Now I
might have to parent you. You don't want that. You're
trying to parent me. I will parent you. You know.

Speaker 4 (10:15):
It's just like, dang, do he deserve to be He doesn't.

Speaker 2 (10:23):
It's tragic, But again, can we be so presumptuous as
to expect everybody to be mentally healthy enough to be
you know, parents, people that didn't want, people that didn't
want their kids. You know people that didn't want their kids,
but just like, all right, well I have to be responsible.
But they're doing it begrudgingly. It happens, It.

Speaker 4 (10:46):
Happens, and then repeating cycle, and.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
Then you know you're in a country that doesn't you know,
necessarily support you. They want you to other kids, but
they don't necessarily support you in that, not not all
the way.

Speaker 3 (11:02):
You know.

Speaker 2 (11:04):
So, uh, kings, kings, kings. What y'all think some of
the first signs you've seen in children that suggest they're
not getting enough positive words or reinforcements from the adults
in their lives.

Speaker 3 (11:15):
What y'all think?

Speaker 6 (11:16):
M M, I'll step out, Uh, Well, hurt people, hurt people.

Speaker 2 (11:27):
Mhm.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
Hurt people are.

Speaker 7 (11:30):
Because I've never seen I've never seen a positive person
or somebody that has a smell on their face give
out any type of negative anything from advice to just
the words that come up the mouth. But misery loves
company and it's a lot of company. It's a lot

(11:51):
of company, and a lot of people share that same sentiment.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
So hurt people, hurt people is how I look at this.

Speaker 7 (12:00):
So if I see that, I mean, you could say,
because children don't have filters, they don't have.

Speaker 1 (12:06):
They don't they don't know outwardly respect.

Speaker 7 (12:08):
Yet you know what I'm saying, they wouldn't quite talk
that you got to give a consequence to some of
those consequences they're not there. So these are me and
that don't think anything. They do whatever they want to
do because that's an emotion, and you know that's a
that's a good that's how you be a man. But

(12:30):
or I'm going with this as any negative connotations, any
negative advice, or how you see a child acting out.

Speaker 1 (12:39):
If you could tell us something wrong, you tell us
something wrong.

Speaker 4 (12:42):
Definitely, that's what I got.

Speaker 3 (12:52):
Piece piece, piece, just a good question. I'm gonna step
out and I'm going to speak from the point of
experience as a child, not as an adult. The reason

(13:14):
why I say that, I think we tend to fit
and to forget. We will want Jordan as well as

(13:38):
as a child, even though we have no filter as
a child. Even though we don't have a filter, one
of the things I know as a child wasn't though
such things, uh my truth, gruth or I'm right, you're wrong,
you're wrong, I'm right, And because of that, all troops

(14:01):
are real realities. So as a child, I might be
doing something in my mind, no big deal. But if
I get in trouble for it, from a parent's perspective,
what I'm doing is absolutely wrong from their perspective, under
their toolage, under their ruling thumb, under their knowledge, their wisdom,

(14:24):
their understanding, and their experience or misinformation, like John said,
not being properly taught or educated on how to be
a parent. First and foremost, it's one thing to have
a kid, but there's no right book on how to

(14:45):
parent any individual that enters into this world. And on
that note, there's no right way to be a kid
to a parent in this world. So we both all
teach you e ch'ad at the same time. We're learning together,
we're going together, we're developing together. You're trying to help

(15:07):
me home my skills as a child, and I'm trying
to help you home your skills as a parent. So
this is interchangeable, and we're gonna go back and forth
about it for a little little minute until I get
to the point where I say, really don't need you,
you know. So from a positive standpoint in closing to

(15:29):
the question, I think the Kings and the Queen would
agree just flat out being present period.

Speaker 4 (15:41):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
From our perspective, so some signs we want to look
for seeking validation excessively mm hmm, always asking if hey,
did I did I do good? Did I do good?
Overreaction to criticism m hm. They don't have a sense

(16:08):
of initiative. You know, it's like they're always waiting for
someone to tell them what to do. It's like they
don't know what to do because they've been told that
their ideas don't matter. So mhmm. And people pleasing, people pleasing,
yeah mm. Negative self talk, always saying that, you know,

(16:35):
I always mess up, I'm stupid.

Speaker 3 (16:39):
What else?

Speaker 2 (16:40):
What else?

Speaker 3 (16:40):
What else?

Speaker 8 (16:41):
Uh?

Speaker 2 (16:41):
And I think timidness timidness is also kind of a
shot a sign lack of self confidence. Yeah, a lack
of self confidence. You know, it's the kid that typically
gets picked on.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah, yeah, all right, So why do you think some
parents might not even realize that they're missing the chance
to lift their children up with their words.

Speaker 4 (17:11):
They can't give what's not been given.

Speaker 3 (17:14):
Yep, and some parents are still children mm hmm.

Speaker 9 (17:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 (17:27):
I don't have anything to add to that.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
That's exactly what it is.

Speaker 4 (17:33):
That's it. You know, I just did a flip. I
grew up in the environment where the negative talk was
the thing to do, so I made it my business
to do the opposite.

Speaker 2 (17:51):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 4 (17:53):
You know, if I call my daughter right now on
this phone, right now, and I ask her, what is
our family mantra? She's gonna tell you, every generation gets better.
I raise. I want my children to be better than me.
Don't be anything like me. Be better than me. That

(18:17):
is your job. That is you be better than me.

Speaker 3 (18:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (18:22):
I made it this far, coming from the background that
I did, and that was not supposed to happen. But
here I am. I need you to take what I
have learned. I need you you to build on that
and keep going forward to me. And I've always tell

(18:44):
my children, as long as you're striving to do right,
I'm always in your corner. And then broke myself several
times for my children, and I'll do it again and
again and again and again and again. I'm in their corner.

(19:07):
I tell them all the time, there's nowhere in the
world you can be and not be my daughter, not
be my son. I don't care where you go you
call me, I'm coming all right, right, Yeah, man, I
just I wanted them to have something different than what

(19:28):
I had. So in order for them to have something
different than that means I had to do something different.
I had to be different. So yeah, lifting them up
speaking life, and that's the one thing my son tells
me all the time. I love it when you and
it's just it's spontaneous, just a middle of We could

(19:51):
be in the middle of a conversation and I'll just
shoot it off at the mouth and tell him all
these good, wonderful, positive things about himself and he'll get
and he'll listen and he'll be like, Mama, I missed that.
I loved that because we weren't talking for a while,
but I was still there. He wasn't talking for a
while because of whatever situation he had going on, But

(20:14):
when he picked up the phone to call me, I'm
on my way, all.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
Right, all right, So kings, why is it that some
parents might not realize that they're missing the opportunity to
do what she does?

Speaker 7 (20:33):
Well, that's it. Was sorry, it's really best and that's it.
And I'm in total agreeance. Is that is exactly how
a mother is supposed to me. M hm, That's exactly
how a mother is supposed to me, speaking from my point.

Speaker 1 (20:52):
Of view, mine alone, and the things that I've learned,
you know, to be a man, stuff like that.

Speaker 7 (21:01):
We we are necessary consequences, that's what we are, and
that's what that's what we embody and nobody.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
Nobody really likes the boss, nobody really likes the guy
that makes the rules, but will be that necessary.

Speaker 7 (21:11):
Evil because in time, the older you get, you start
to listen more to that villain in your life that's
always been, there's always been in your face, always loved you.
It's actually the hero because once you listen to the story,
when you're really listening, when you finally get outside of
yourself where you're smart enough to know that you don't
know some things, there you go, we got it.

Speaker 3 (21:36):
Check them out, check them out.

Speaker 2 (21:43):
That's a good one. Yeah, there you go. The parents
are blinded by their own unresolved PATHT trauma.

Speaker 9 (21:57):
Yeah that hits hard. Yeah, that's a yeah, you can say, well,
I say me.

Speaker 3 (22:21):
Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention that I'm trying
to raise my children as if they didn't have a father.

Speaker 2 (22:29):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
Coming from me being the father to my children, mm hmm.
And it's kind of hard to uplift from an error,
not an error from the mindset you ain't got no dad.

(22:53):
You gotta be like this, you gotta do that, you
gotta do this, this, this, this, this, you gotta be
like this. Gotta be stern, gotta it'll.

Speaker 4 (23:00):
Be hard heard the whole time. Got to hold the emotions.

Speaker 3 (23:05):
He yeah, yeah, I'm heard the whole time. And that's
not really uplifting, you know. So I had to do
the one thing that parents don't like to admit, and man,
you know what I was wrong. I apologize. I gotta
do this a little bit differently. Let's talk. And meanwhile,

(23:27):
while I'm talking, I want you to know I'm talking
to the Christ and you talking to the God, and
you I need you really understand that. And as you
get older, everything that I'm challenging you on everything that
I'm laying a foundation for, taking time out and challenge
the information. I'll just take my word for it, challenging,
put it to the test, and you put it to

(23:50):
the test now, later whenever, bring it back to me.
Let's figure it out together and let's build from there.
You know, ain't no real right answer to any of this,
ain't no wrong answer to any of.

Speaker 2 (24:05):
This, But we're trying to get an understanding. We're trying
to get clarity. Because with the understanding and the clarity,
y'all again, the more we understand and give the clarity,
the more compassion we can have. If there's compassion there,
that's still love, right, And with compassion you can hold
somebody accountable, you can hold yourself accountable. Right. So we're

(24:28):
just trying to get some clarity here. So when we
see what we see, we know how to respond to
the situations like what when they saw you know, like that,
that would be tough. It's tough to look at that,
Like you on the outside looking in and you feel
for the kid, ain't even your kid, but you feel
you empathize and you're like, dang, you know, it touches
a space, right, It touches a space like, yo, I

(24:49):
know what it was like to be a kid.

Speaker 3 (24:53):
Right.

Speaker 2 (24:55):
So a few reasons why I think some parents might
not realize that they're missing these chances because I've missed some.

Speaker 3 (25:02):
Right.

Speaker 2 (25:05):
Sometimes it's about survival over support. You got you got bills,
you got work, you got family pressure, and it puts
you in survival mode. And when you're trying to manage
all that, you don't have a whole lot of time
and space to say things like I'm proud of you,
you're doing great. You're narrow minded, like poverty does that

(25:28):
to you, you know, you're so hyper focused you can't
see you can't see it. You can't see it. So
those opportunities are missed, and so it's a poverty consciousness. Yeah,
for us as black people, tough love. Our culture is
really big on tough love. And so through the eyes

(25:49):
of tough love, you can't see opportunities to be soft.
Through the eyes of tough love, you can't see opportunities
to tone it down. Through the eye of tough love,
you cannot see. Hey, you know it's okay to give
you an applause for the job well done. I know
it was an eighty, and I know you took off
the trash and you're supposed to. But you know it's

(26:12):
right there. It is right there. I do want to
see more of it, so I probably should say something
to keep it going right. But we miss those because
tough love. I see this one a lot emotional fatigue,
emotional burnout. You got a mom who was a nurse

(26:35):
pulling a double gets home, just wants to sleep. Pops,
he been on the road for like thirty days, comes home,
he just wants to sleep, get some decent sleep. Kids
kids need attention, affection. They excited to see you but

(26:58):
you out, and so it can be very challenging when
you're trying to provide the instrumental support for your family
to be emotionally available. Yeah, and so it's very easy
when you're on the outside looking in and you don't
see those factors and there's you know, this is society. Okay,
we're on the outside looking in. We're not investigating, we're

(27:20):
just seeing that. Hey, kids, got you know, some neglect
going on here. You need to make it work somehow.
And you're like, oh my god, I'm doing I'm tapped out,
Like I'm poor, I'm poor. I got it, man, what
do you want me to do? I can't. I'm not
there yet. I still got to clear all this out.

(27:41):
And so when you impose that kind of pressure on
the parent, you know, it can kind of it can
kind of bring up a self defeat, this attitude, and
it just perpetuates itself. The last thing is distractions. Distractions.
You get distracted with your phone, you get distracted with
this girl, you get distracted with this god, you get

(28:01):
distracted with this food, you get distracted with dreams, aspirations, distractions,
it's life. Yeah, you still got needs too, you got
unmet needs. And here it is the kid needs something
from you. If you're you have unmet needs, I mean,
how could you really poor? How can you really speak
life to somebody and nobody ain't speaking life in to you.

(28:22):
You ain't doing it for you? Who I mean, I
ain't got it, I ain't got no life. I don't
have no speaky life to give. I'm all spoken out right,
So hence the compassion right hents the compassion. So these
are just alternatives to consider when we're judging a parent
for not speaking life right. So how do you think

(28:44):
the absence of speaking life and the kids shapes their
self esteem or how they care themselves as they grow up?

Speaker 4 (28:52):
They look for it elsewhere, They look for the lovewhere.
They look for the love elsewhere. It's like a young
girl growing up without a father, She's looking for the
love elsewhere. You have a lot of women out there
that are looking for love and the men and really

(29:14):
they just wanted their father's love. Oh my god, the
crime mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Kings, any one of y'all want to take the staring wheel?
While she recomposes, Man.

Speaker 1 (29:33):
Well, I should to be honest, I really think and.

Speaker 7 (29:41):
I really think it shapes them the most because when
you're constantly speaking life into your children and not so
many words you're giving, you're giving your child your attitude.
And if you speak it positively, you can pass the land.
Because just like we passed down those bad habits and
those true you can pass down positivity too, and it

(30:03):
can just restart.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
It's just that easy, because.

Speaker 7 (30:11):
You know yours, you new Yorks, didn't quite work, and
it got you to a place where you.

Speaker 1 (30:17):
Notice how to be a good person.

Speaker 7 (30:19):
But you have to fight Clawn scratch her as opposed
to you playing that new seed and nig I'm giving
you the path right there.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
I'll watch you on your way.

Speaker 3 (30:27):
I'll watch you.

Speaker 7 (30:29):
I know where I know where you need to go,
just like you, Just like you've said, John, you know
you see that you see him on that boat, and
you see you're about to hit them. You gonna hit
them rocks, but that's a necessary evil. You're gonna let
him hit them rocks. Then we're gonna come back, put
our heads together and say.

Speaker 1 (30:44):
Where do we go wrong.

Speaker 7 (30:44):
We're gonna run the tape back, but it but in
me running that tape back, I'm gonna still tell you
you did good.

Speaker 1 (30:50):
You tried.

Speaker 7 (30:51):
I see what you did here, but just audible hair,
right you strength it's opening the water.

Speaker 1 (30:59):
I'm just trying to keep you over water. That's all.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
Real quick, y'all. In my experience as a parent, it
was really difficult, almost impossible, to demonstrate something that was
never demonstrated to me, as King New Orleans a Lula
too earlier. The child in me never experienced a proper
parental response the child in me, because it requires empathy.
You have to remember what it's like to be a

(31:26):
child so that you can read if you're still connected
to that child, right that's in you, then you know
your child is just you on the outside, and so
you're just giving the love back to you.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
Right.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
But it wasn't demonstrated to me, so I have to
I have to create it, like I have to create that.
It wasn't modeled to me. It wasn't given to me.
So I got to find the material somewhere and make it.

Speaker 4 (31:53):
Up somewhere within. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (31:58):
Yeah, man, what they used to callos footnotes along the way.

Speaker 4 (32:08):
Oh man, I didn't.

Speaker 3 (32:15):
Trying to figure it out.

Speaker 4 (32:17):
This touching for me. I just simply text all three
of my children, I love y'all, I don't know, I'm.

Speaker 2 (32:25):
Sorry, but yeah, that the absence of that speaking life.
You know, we're talking about positive self talk, right, So
if there's no positive self talk, then that means that
there's negative self talk. And so that negative self talk
is the consciousness of that child, and it's gonna manifest
in a whole myriad of ways, right, And it's gonna
manifest in ways such as you know, being more withdrawn,

(32:48):
you know, very emotionally aloof you know, I don't trust nobody, right,
relationship challenges, you know, it's hard for you to connect
with people. I think the big in here, though, is
we're still talking about pride, even black pride, you know,
just proud of being black, right, you don't have the

(33:09):
cultural problem like we're we pride ourselves on being resilient, right,
we pride are not not just being strong resilient as
in bounce back, like there's there's strength that yeah, yeah, resilience, man,
that's survival, that is adaptability. So we pride ourselves on that, right.

(33:30):
But if you have a child that has the absence
of that life being spoken into you, you don't develop
that resilience like you just wall wall all fall. There's
no get up, there's no bounce back, there's no return.
You down, you stay down. Where's the result like boom oh,

(33:51):
life knocked you down and you still down? Right, So
that that life speaking not there. We're talking about eroded
self esteem and I would even say an over reliance
on external validation. You know, there is a man you

(34:15):
look at these rappers out here. Man, you know it's
it's it's great to have things. It's great to have
nice things, right to kind of demonstrate Yo, I came
from a place where I didn't have it like this.
But you you you don't really evaluate critically why you
even made that purchase. Right. I may I bought this ice,

(34:40):
I have this girl, I have this house, but I
still feel empty. I still feel like I can't trust myself,
I can't trust nobody. I still don't feel complete. But
you got all these things to sort of define your value.

(35:01):
That's that's an over compensation. So those are some consequences.
Those are some consequences when you're not speaking life into
your kids. Your kids start to use the world around
them the shell to compensate for that emptiness. It's we're
surviving here. This is survival like, I'm trying to be
respected in this world, But how can I acquire that

(35:24):
respect when it wasn't even given to me, you know,
like no one even told me how to earn it. Oh,
so I don't have the gift of knowing how to
earn respect so that I could get that confidence to
be able to move like, hey, this is my domain.
You're gonna have to kill me for y'all to have

(35:44):
that inner knowing, that inner confidence that yo, no matter
where I can, you know that that's precious. That comes
from the positive self talk. When we were talking about
speaking life, that's positive self talk. It's the consciousness of goodness, like, hey,
I'm good at this, this, this, this, this. You know,
I ain't just trying to be blindly good, you know. Yeah,
it's just it's realistic. It's realistic, right, Next question, what

(36:08):
role does daily life stresses we're talking about work finances
play in a parent's ability to focus on positive reinforcement,
positive self talking. What role do those life stresses.

Speaker 4 (36:19):
Play daily life stresses. I'm a nurse, so I try
not to bring what I have at work home. As

(36:39):
far as how it plays in a parent's ability to focus, Oh,
I always say I work hard for them. Mm hmm,
I work hard for them mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (36:56):
Yeah, O damn kings.

Speaker 3 (37:05):
Them.

Speaker 7 (37:06):
It's I really, I really think it's important. I think
it's honestly the most important to be able to step
back and see the entire picture. I really think that's
the most important thing in life because when when you're
concentrated on work and their finances and stuff like that,

(37:27):
that's a clouded judgment because that's that's where our energy
is supposed to go at nine to five, is your
creative juices.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
That will shape how you see the world. If you're
in the world.

Speaker 7 (37:37):
Enough, and if you're always in a facility, if you're
always back at home, if you're always in a facility,
if you're always in the club, then you're always back
at home.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
What cycle is that? That's a cycle of destruction.

Speaker 7 (37:51):
But it's just distractions because you, I mean, you need
that happiness from coming from somewhere, so just to boil out,
let down.

Speaker 1 (38:01):
I think it's so important that you're a that you're that.

Speaker 7 (38:03):
You have the ability to step back and look at
the bigger picture and see what's really going on in
life and see what's really important and then pass that
down because it doesn't It doesn't matter when you catch
the bug. It doesn't matter when you quote unquote wake
up as soon as you do, pass it just as
fast as you can. It don't matter the word. It

(38:25):
don't matter the word. You just got to have somebody
that's willing to listen as soon as they're ready.

Speaker 1 (38:31):
Shoot as hard as you can.

Speaker 2 (38:35):
Yah.

Speaker 3 (38:38):
So I'm going up bullsyn peaky back off my brother,
love first and foremost piece of love, my brother, one
thousand percent correct. And I would like to add, until

(38:58):
you realize your cup is empty, you can never fill
it up. To fill up your children's cup.

Speaker 2 (39:03):
When they need you the most awareness.

Speaker 3 (39:06):
Yeah, So with you paying attention quote unquote uh to
the outside world, you bring all of that home with you,
not knowing you need to leave that at the door.
So that way you can give them one hundred percent
of self. That's all they want. They don't care about
none of the other stuff. That's what you need to

(39:27):
do as an adult. I don't care about none of that.
I don't know nothing about none of that. I know
about this world and needs four corners.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Cause you gotta know how to manage all that. It
seems like because I'm fin lead to that part. I
know where you okay, yeah yeah, how do you manage that? Man?
Because I mean y'all, y'all in my view, I'm like,
y'all are workaholics like I work. But to me, y'all
are workaholics man. So I need to hear it. I

(39:54):
need to hear it like quick fast.

Speaker 3 (39:57):
How there isn't a right or wrong way to even
do that part because you're still trying to fulfill let
me say, edit the child in you to be the
parent you need to be to your child. You're still
trying to edit that. And some of us are still

(40:17):
dealing with hurt, harm, anger, pain. We still have our
own triggers, and we're trying to reinforce something positive into
our children so they can see us. As my brother
servant said, I am the superhero, not for ridal, I
really am, because I'm still trying to save me. I'm
still trying to save me. I'm still trying to bring

(40:38):
the best version home after dealing with the world when
I was unable at one point as a child to
even receive the positive impact that I'm trying to instill
in you. Again, my cup is not full yet. I'm
still working, still working, I'm still pushing, I'm still striving.
I'm still trying to get the things that I didn't
even get for me, the hugs, the reinforcements, the pat

(41:03):
on the back, the validations, understanding what it's like to
be in a healthy relationship, to even be that present
for you. I'm still working on that. I'm still working
on that. So at this particular point, all I can
do is reinforce that I'm still trying to be the

(41:25):
best version of me daily and I want you to
see me to grow where I'm trying to watch you
grow at the same time, with the foundation that I'm
laying out, with all my insecurities, with all my incertainties,
with all my negative reinforcements and positive I need you
to see this entire foundation that I'm laying out. Hence

(41:47):
what Sherman said, let's look at the entire picture. Like
John said, let's bring both understandings together. Can we talk
about this what makes sense for real? Where's the logic
and what's going on? From my standpoint and you, I'm
here to support, but I'm also heard like you know what,

(42:08):
yesterday I was wrong. I was wrong. Yeah, I ain't
saying don't listen to me. I'm just saying when you did,
and I had said I was trying to reinforce discipline
when I was a kid, I did kind of So
I can't be too hard, can't be mighty with the
hand all the time. Let's sit down and talk about this,

(42:31):
Let's work this out together. Matter of fact, let me
go on the limb and say, did I do all right?
Did you not like how I approached you? When I
approached you about what you did that I felt like
was wrong? And if I didn't, how can I go
about doing that a little bit better? Now. I'm not
saying that you get the right to talk crazy to

(42:51):
me anything like that. No, I'm trying to simplify this
so we can work together as priority child, because I'm
still to do the best I can based off of
what I have, what I know. I still got these
distractions because renters around the corner. Let your build a gas,
build a car, note the day care in some cases

(43:15):
child support. Still trying to please your mom or my
girlfriend or my wife. And I'm saying that from a
male's perspective, you know, I think it will be somewhat
the same thing. From a woman's perspective, we all got
different distractions that we try to build up off of
and still try to be the guiding light in our

(43:36):
children's eyes. It's not an easy task. You really can't
balance it out, but your study trying to fulfill what
you didn't get as a child, growing up yourself, until
you one day realize, hold the fuck up.

Speaker 8 (43:50):
I'm a whole entire parent, like, no, for real a
parent now, yeah.

Speaker 3 (44:03):
I mean I gotta shift this woman. What the fuck?
How do I No, it didn't happen overnight.

Speaker 4 (44:10):
We do get it done under pressure. I ain't get
it done.

Speaker 3 (44:18):
Yeah, but in the midst of you getting it done
under pressure, you kind of lose sight of who you
are and if the only way you can respond is
under pressure, like what you're teaching your children to do.

Speaker 4 (44:32):
I picked up my work ethic to some would probably
be a bad habit can be looked at us a
bad habit, and I always use that as an excuse
to say, I work hard so that you can be comfortable.
But I love coming home and watching them in the

(44:54):
kitchen cooking, you know, enjoying that Wii, getting their own
rooms and the on beds in their own space. That
that was Yeah, this is it like seeing them comfortable
and still being able to pour into them even when

(45:16):
I didn't have it, And sometimes they knew I didn't
have it. They would meet me at the car and
grab my bags after working sixteen hours. Come on, I
got you. We cooked dinner tonight, John.

Speaker 2 (45:38):
Is a yeah, all right. So responding to the question
regarding stress, I just want to remind everybody, right we
are in the flesh dealing with finite energies. You have

(46:00):
finite energies. There is a limitation as to how much
attention you have. There is a limitation as to how
much energy you have to complete your task. Being stress
leads to mental exhaustion. You know, you gotta think if
you outside in the heat, man, you working out in

(46:22):
the heat. It's hard to work in the heat, ain't it.
Heat is stressful. You got this heat on you and
you still got to perform as a parent to affirm
their strengths. You have to be their counselor their mentor
their therapists, their coach. They're looking for your guidance, But

(46:46):
the instruments that you're using to convey that energy, those
ideas being effective in your tone. Word choice that gets
affected by the heat of stress is hard to work
when you're so hot headed, Ain't it so? Again, when
we're we're talking about speaking life and the children, I

(47:10):
just don't want us to oversimplify because we do that
so often, don't We don't we oversimplify the situations. So
a lot of us deserve grace, Okay, grace in terms

(47:32):
of you know, understanding being patient, Like, hey, listen, I'm
doing the best that I can with what I got.
I don't have that much attention. I don't have the
skill set here. It's not as polished, it's not that strong.
You know. I'm thirty six years old, still trying to
deserve a little bit of grace. So you got to
make sure you give that to yourself though, right, You

(47:54):
got to make sure you give that to yourself.

Speaker 1 (47:59):
Makes sense.

Speaker 2 (48:01):
Do you think culture expectations within black communities, such as
being strong or tough, shape how we use our words
with our kids.

Speaker 1 (48:13):
Yeah, m hmm, speak on it.

Speaker 3 (48:19):
Well.

Speaker 7 (48:20):
I mean, just like you said, because like you said earlier,
that's our reputation.

Speaker 1 (48:26):
You teach survival and adaptability.

Speaker 7 (48:29):
It's not about it's not so much about what you
think it's about what you gotta do to get it
mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (48:36):
And if that ain't the.

Speaker 7 (48:37):
End and the beginning, you don't matter. Keep going, get
to the other side. So you're teaching, you have a
you have a this is gonna be a law, but
you have a slave mentality teaching another what you're doing.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
Yeah, that's just what you pass it down.

Speaker 7 (49:03):
But if you teach opportunity, if you teach creativity, if
you teach spirit.

Speaker 1 (49:08):
Teach the soul you love, you teach that, it ain't
no world. They're not gonna find themselves a part.

Speaker 3 (49:14):
Of mm hmmmm.

Speaker 7 (49:17):
I like that because you have a creative juice, you
have a person that you are. You have a purpose,
and you can always fulfill that purpose, that purpose going
through your life because it's your purpose.

Speaker 1 (49:29):
If it's your purpose, it's not gonna get you. You like, my.

Speaker 7 (49:32):
Purpose ain't gonna you know, keep my lifestyle. It's just
a change your lifestyle because your purpose is still your purpose.

Speaker 1 (49:37):
Don't run away from it.

Speaker 7 (49:40):
Your next energy is gonna have to do it and
then next soil you're gonna keep running this lesson. Just
pay attention, please be aware.

Speaker 2 (49:50):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 4 (49:52):
All right, mister Debre. I'm sorry, is that his name? Yeah, dude,
the number is on the screen. Go ahead and call in.
Go ahead and call in, mister Debonair. Yeah, we want

(50:13):
you to call it A three two four seven nine
nine zero three five. All right, go ahead.

Speaker 8 (50:19):
King.

Speaker 2 (50:20):
Do you think cultural expectations within the black community shapes
how we use our words with our kids?

Speaker 3 (50:30):
Yeah, definitely. You Yeah, you're bum, you're dirty, Yeah, yeah,
y'all look broke over there. Yeah yeah, you can't even
get no ches what you want. Yeah, y'all suffering over there.
Take these pennies with you when you go home. Add

(50:50):
them to the biggie bankyard. Guy. Yeah, it's shapes and
moss the community big time, m big time, whether we
like it or not. You know, sometimes the community is materialistic,
very very escort.

Speaker 4 (51:13):
But we all did that in the hood, even though
we lived in in the ghetto.

Speaker 7 (51:21):
Yeah, they just in my eyes, it just means everybody
is a collective kept teaching that mindset you don't have.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
You don't have to do it because the machine is
already working.

Speaker 7 (51:33):
So if you even have that one John at home,
you have that one Renee at home, you have that
one Dion at home, you have a million others telling
you that it's a million other things.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
So the community so much just with it'll destroy your child.

Speaker 7 (51:49):
When it used to be our villages where you can
run down the street and get a woman by everybody
and you got to see daddy.

Speaker 1 (51:55):
Elder.

Speaker 7 (51:56):
It just seems we've lost that because the elders are
supposed to be teaching the chill.

Speaker 3 (52:01):
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, but with with with, even with
the understanding, you know, the one thing that's being passed
down is a broken poor mindset of poverty, you know.
So so I see my parents suffer, I'm not trying
to suffer. So I'm finna work extra hard so that
way I don't have to suffer suffer. But in the

(52:22):
same time, me suffering, I ain't changing nothing. I'm still
passing it down, expecting that the only way to be
saved is the money, the outfit, the car. It ain't
doing nothing to fix up here. You're still broken up here.
But sometimes it'd be too late to realize, like, damn,

(52:44):
I fucked up. I didn't pay attention to the time,
how to pay attention to the moments that need to
be shared, the building blocks in life. I just I
just wasn't paying attention to busy trying to make sure
I can keep but in some way form of fashion,
even if I gotta go broke doing it. Mm hmm,

(53:06):
you still fucked up. It ain't the clothes that's on you.
It's the man and the woman in you. When do
they show up? Clothes come and go? Once you punch
your ticket on this train, you out of here.

Speaker 2 (53:22):
Mm hmmm hmm.

Speaker 4 (53:24):
What's leaving behind? What's your legacy? What is your legacy?
M what will people remember about you?

Speaker 7 (53:36):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (53:37):
You can dress ship up real good, it's still ship
mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (53:41):
There you go. Uh. So with this whole tough love
you know vibe that we got going on in our community,
it bleeds into our verbal style, right. Uh. But it's
not without reason. It's not without Duke called us. You know,
our people grew up in oppression, all right generations, and

(54:07):
that tough love was supposed to be a form of
protection for us, to prepare us for the harsh reality
of the world that we're living in. And so you
find yourself in the dilemma of how do I prepare
my kids for this? Like dang, I just grew up
in it. And I'm still figuring out how to deal

(54:30):
with it. So I think the best way that I
can prepare them is to make them callous so that
they can survive, because it's brutal out here.

Speaker 4 (54:41):
It's gonna yeah.

Speaker 2 (54:45):
And so you things like you you can't be vulnerable,
and so you soft NIGGI, you soft tax the ego,
and you hear that that's messaging you soft out. Well,
I don't want to be soft. I don't want to
be soft. And you're saying at the girls too, I
don't want to be soft. I don't want to be soft.
And now you got to reverse that with a soft
girl era, right, So here it is, we're going to

(55:08):
extremes just to try to fix this self esteem issue here.
And the self esteem issue is largely impacted by white supremacy.
And so you have to instill these ideas into your
children early on so that these flowers can bloom, but
also at the same time not recognizing how toxic they are,

(55:31):
or not even considering that, hey, maybe one day they
won't have to do this anymore. They'll be in a
safer environment to where they can actually blow up, you know,
blossom grow. But I have to decondition them from that.
I have to deprogram that, I have to recognize, you know.

(55:52):
So this is again survival, right. You're speaking this way
to your kids out of fear that they may not
make it, because you also recognize in your experiences, man,
there were a lot of times I wasn't gonna make
it all right, So we instill this fear of vulnerability,
and so saying things like man, babe, you special that

(56:17):
becomes something you strip away from them because you fear
that if you coddle them that they will take it
away from them. It's the thing that you want them
to have, but you take it away from them before
they could have it, so that someone and then it's
it's you don't teach them how to defend it. You

(56:38):
don't teach them how to fight for it, so it's
easier and it's better to just take it away from
them and then let them figure it out later, like
earn it back on your own, but let me take
it away from you first, Like, hey, you know, it's
like you just arm your kids. Then you just not
knowingly put them out there thinking that you arm them,

(57:00):
but you really just took away their only defense. So
it's it's survival, y'all. Even this this legacy of overcoming, right,
it's it was by necessity. So there's not a language
of freedom here. There's not a language of ease here.

(57:23):
It's all strict you have to you must. It's control,
its oppression, right, it's just the side effect of the
whole thing that filters into how we speak. White supremacy
has influenced how we interact with our kids, how we
speak life into our kids. You know, it's a disease. Uh,

(57:46):
next question, Oh what you got king?

Speaker 3 (57:49):
So I just want to say real fast so to
framness as as to frame it to where you know,
you really can't understand the purpose of being a good
parent to your children. Remember that there was a time
before atari was even invented, right, And that time before atari,

(58:15):
you was outside jump a rope or playing tag, freeze tag,
or catch a girl, get a girl, or kickball. Now
we have PlayStation five grand, theft auto. So at some point,
some way, somehow we have to upgrade our knowledge, our information,

(58:41):
our excuse, our wisdom and understanding on what it takes
to parent a child in today's time, to prepare them
for their future, not our future, their future we got
to upgrade our babies so they wait, they will be
prepared for the future. Like if you're child five, you know,

(59:04):
you got to be almost thinking as they ten because
when they become ten, the information that is now is
going to be outdated when they's seven. You always gotta
be you gotta be thinking so far ahead of the curve,
you know, And that that ain't easy because we still

(59:25):
have the mindset of where we are from our past experiences.
It's kind of hard.

Speaker 2 (59:36):
It's a lot of ignorance, right, just not knowing, just
not knowing. I don't know better. I don't know better.
Yeah I've seen the Cosby's, you know, but fact I
don't know, Like I don't know about anybody in my
there's nobody in my neighborhood that's doing environment shapes that
don't I don't know anything else. This is all I know, doubt.

Speaker 7 (59:59):
And even and either to hit the flip side of that,
just just to hit the flip side of it, you can,
you can, I think if I think you can, it's
just as a thought. I don't know and I don't
feel this, so this is just this is just a thought.
So we gotta I guess take it as a hypothetical.
I think you can teach a love so pure. I

(01:00:23):
think you can. I think you can get them on
the right track to just be open to information and
to be open to the world, and there learn.

Speaker 1 (01:00:33):
A lot just you know, being through that, and I think,
of course.

Speaker 7 (01:00:37):
It comes with a lot of amenities, Like I would say,
get them in the box and get them into something
where they gotta you know, be as a team just
to under try to understand the world around you, but
still teach baselines so pure that you can make it
through any lifestyle.

Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
It does to matter the future.

Speaker 7 (01:00:54):
It just doesn't matter the future because you have these
things so instilled and they're so basic, just to be
able to want to learn from somebody and to be
able to hear somebody first, and of course the only
believe in half of what you hear and none of
what you see. So question everything in a healthy manner,
just so you can assess the world clearly, as opposed
to being in the jungle trying to assess the world.

(01:01:17):
We're trying to give you a bird's our view just
so you can see what's coming. It's still coming. We're
just trying to be as much wind as we possibly can,
So you can sell as far as you can, much further.

Speaker 1 (01:01:33):
Past my eyelid, because you're gonna be better than them.

Speaker 3 (01:01:38):
Chang work, ting, work, ting work, team work to make.

Speaker 1 (01:01:41):
Every dream work.

Speaker 2 (01:01:44):
How can parents address behavior? And this is gonna be
our last question for the evening? How can parents address
behavior or mistakes without damaging a child's sense of self work?

Speaker 4 (01:01:55):
Be careful with your verbiage.

Speaker 7 (01:02:00):
M hm.

Speaker 4 (01:02:01):
Be careful with the words that you choose. Check your tone,
make sure you're not aggressive like I used to be aggressive.
I've toned it down because then I started seeing seeing

(01:02:23):
my mother in me ooh awareness. Yeah, yeah, that's something
my mother would have did. So I had to I
had to pull all of that back. And when he
said he had to new one. Going back to what
King Newborn said, when he said he had to apologize,

(01:02:46):
I did with all three of mine, all three of them.
So I know what that feels like, I know what
that takes. And for you to be genuine with it.
You've never heard a parent apologizing to a child. No,
that's what adults do when they're trying to change. They're

(01:03:07):
trying to change some things.

Speaker 3 (01:03:10):
Yeah, yeah, what they say when the rubber meets the road,
you realize ship, I'm sucking up.

Speaker 4 (01:03:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:03:24):
Yeah, and you're not even knowing that moment if it's
really damaging or not until later, you don't know.

Speaker 4 (01:03:34):
Yes, yeah, I had to apologize to my son, I
had to apologize to my oldest daughter, apologize to my
baby girl, each and every last one of them, each
and every last one of them. So yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3 (01:03:55):
I'm just saying I just want to say uh uh
because John said this is the last question, So I
just want to tap dance on this, super super fast,
super quick. Unfortunately we don't use it enough like a
Scott Walker and God lovel said, your verbage, your dialogue?

(01:04:16):
Your language? What language? What dialogue? What verbage are you
using to not only communicate, but to say it in
an effective manner to whether it could be comprehend What
are you doing? What are you saying? How does that look?
And if you're not taking the time to be of

(01:04:36):
service to yourself, how you will want things to be
related to you, how you're going to relate them to
your children? That part you really got to tap into that.
And that's not saying you know you, I'm not trying
to bring myself to my child's level. But I definitely
want to bring his my children comprehension up to minds

(01:05:00):
to understand where I'm coming from so I can be received,
and also wanted them to receive their own understanding that Hey,
you know, maybe what I did might not have been,
you know, the best idea, and there are options. There's
other ways I could have went about this to communicate

(01:05:21):
whatever it may be, whether it was emotional, physical, whatever,
it's probably other ways I could have went about this.
And that's okay. You're said to say something god level.

Speaker 4 (01:05:34):
No, I just that what you just said. You have
to meet them on their level and bring them up.
That's it I had to deal with. I have three.
I had to meet my son on his level, had been,
meet my daughter on her level, baby growl on her level,
and bring them up. So yeah, I understand that.

Speaker 1 (01:05:56):
Yeah, I think I like that, and I think everything
was said.

Speaker 7 (01:06:00):
Honestly, you meet them more they are because in my
in my verbiage, I would just say, put yourself in
their shoes and speak solution.

Speaker 1 (01:06:08):
We know the problem.

Speaker 7 (01:06:10):
You don't have to talk about the problem, talk about
the solutions and where you're going next.

Speaker 1 (01:06:16):
I think That is what is important, nothing else. It's
very easy to understand.

Speaker 7 (01:06:22):
You're trying to you're trying to help and lead somebody,
And if you keep respecting love first in your heart,
there's no way your words will come out malicious because
both of those equal compassion.

Speaker 1 (01:06:35):
That's what that is.

Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
Yeah, don't beat them over the head what they did
wrong to plus too, we know, we know that. Cool.

Speaker 4 (01:06:47):
Exactly what do we learn from.

Speaker 1 (01:06:55):
Your age? I messed up like this?

Speaker 4 (01:06:58):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:06:58):
An example? Something to bounce it off.

Speaker 7 (01:07:02):
Give him a wall to bounce it off of, with
a necessary consequence, because that's how I look at me,
and that's what we are. So when you mess up,
we do, We're gonna get you. We're gonna bump you
over the head a little bit.

Speaker 1 (01:07:12):
Hey, relax, relax if that if need be.

Speaker 7 (01:07:15):
But mostly most of the time, your words can reach
a person's heart.

Speaker 1 (01:07:19):
Quicken in your hand, can.

Speaker 3 (01:07:22):
Hm speak right?

Speaker 1 (01:07:25):
Speak right, and the discipline will come out of your voice.

Speaker 7 (01:07:28):
They'll understand the gravity of the situation, and not because
you It's a such thing as verbal you know, abuse,
But it's such.

Speaker 1 (01:07:36):
Thing as a verbal assertion too. It's just a certain
I'm just telling you that Hey, hold on, I mean,
I got you.

Speaker 3 (01:07:47):
That's all.

Speaker 2 (01:07:47):
That's all I got, all right? Uh so teachable moments.
I like that. I was gonna go in that direction
right there. Something I've learned past ten years, I've been
really heavy on focusing on behavior, not the child, not
the total person. You know how Christians say, focus on
the sin, not the center. Focus on behavior, not the child.

(01:08:10):
I mean. And it's so easy. It is so easy
to see a behavior because it's you know, they might
be a pattern, and you summarize the entire child based
on that one pattern right there, and you forget that, yo,
this is you know, an amalgamation of different desires, patterns, rhythms. Right.
But you see this and this is what you focus

(01:08:32):
on because it irritates your soul and you might be
very deeply entrenched in your emotions. So now remember that
they are not what they do. Okay, you don't have to.
You know sometimes sometimes they don't behave this way for
this specific thing. And so asking questions, right like, actually

(01:08:52):
ask questions. It be concerned, like genuinely concerned, like yo,
instead of be trying to control you. How can I motive?
And I think the reason why is because we don't
know how to motivate. We haven't been motivated before. Right,
you get motivated by parents, you get motivated by culches,
you get motivated by teachers. If you don't have that

(01:09:13):
authority figure modeling that motivation, Where do you get the
technology to do that with a child unless you see
it on TV? And I mean we we as a culture,
we got TV. We can model behaviors on TV. We
do it, We do it, We do it, The Wayne's Brothers,
Living Color. You know we got our TV shows.

Speaker 3 (01:09:35):
Right?

Speaker 2 (01:09:39):
All right, so daddy mode here teach through questions. Yeah,
I don't want to be I don't want you to
always come to me, right, I want you to think
for yourself. You want your child to be man. I
just read this today in our critical Thing book, Me

(01:10:00):
and the Wife. Right, critical thinking increases your sense of independence,
you know why because you can think your own thoughts.
You can assess, evaluate, dissect data, and make your own conclusions,
and then you can verify that with your friends. But
I mean, what if you're in a circle of friends
that don't have it as good as you? So then say,

(01:10:21):
all right, well shoot up. Can't nobody think this sharp?
And in fact, they come to me for advice because
I think so sharp and so you get respected, right,
So that boosts the child's self esteem. You know, that
boosts the child self esteem. So teaching them critical thinking
skills by posing questions and letting them think, let them

(01:10:42):
work for that shit, let them work for the answer.
Right again, This is Daddy John here, this is father John. Okay,
I love that shit. I love that like, oh shoot,
I get to be a teacher. Okay, So what did
you learn here? Let's let's break it down and were
going to work. And then at the end of it,
it's just they light up because it's like wow, yeah,

(01:11:04):
it's dope it. It's dope it. It feels good, don't it?
Keep going? Right? So that's how that's how mister Deben there,
that's how I taught my son how to navigate the
bullshit in the army critical thinking and he and mind you,
it's a practice. It ain't once you got it, you
got it. It's a practice. Right, So we got to

(01:11:26):
be clear on that. Go ahead, King before I continue.

Speaker 3 (01:11:28):
Go ahead, Yeah, yeah, I'm not bad. No, I just
want to add to that, because I try to reverse
reverse engineer the problem first place. You know, I'm big
on that. I'm like, hold on, show me that again.
How did you so you went from her to her
to her and you came up with that? How did you?
How do you get my hairdo? Where that comes from?

Speaker 2 (01:11:49):
You know?

Speaker 3 (01:11:50):
Okay, well, let's let's break it all the way down
and and and and technically I'm putting it back on them,
like you said, time to force them to have their
own independ in this, trying to solve, to come up
with solutions for themselves, like say, to beat critical thinkers.
And when they when that, like oh so that yeah,

(01:12:12):
yeah that is it right there?

Speaker 2 (01:12:14):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:12:15):
How that feel? That felt good? That's what's up. That's
what's up. So we shouldn't we shouldn't do this one.
And again we're done with that lesson, right, we shouldn't.
Shouldn't come back to this no more? Right, all right,
we're cool, you'll be back.

Speaker 1 (01:12:28):
But it's cool exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:12:33):
To them, right, because I mean I appreciate it. I
just appreciate because I like to see it in different forms, right,
But it's just something about yeah, I taught you that.
I taught you, all right, And they go out there
and then they come to you and say, pop, let
me tell you what I saw, and they say they
breaking this ship down, like, oh, pete the science, Oh

(01:12:54):
I pipe the bad You show your work. What was
our what was the that was the product? And guess
what I did with it? Guess what I did with it?

Speaker 3 (01:13:03):
I did this.

Speaker 2 (01:13:05):
I flipped it. And it's like word high five, right,
and all you're doing is what you've been doing since
they were kids, and it just it has to start early, right,
But some people get it later in life.

Speaker 3 (01:13:19):
Some people never listen.

Speaker 2 (01:13:20):
Right, yeah, I mean, hey, it is what is We're
just doing what we got. So another one effort, Oh
my gosh, acknowledge effort before you start correcting who That
one is so hard, right because you see the mistake

(01:13:42):
and it's just it's so loud. It's just screaming at you.
It's right there. You gotta be like, hold on, hill, listen,
I saw what you was trying to do. Okay, I saw,
but man, you don't give me a moment. That mistake
is You gotta acknowledge the effort, man, because their self

(01:14:04):
esteem is on it. Like yo, just imagine you're fucked
up and your parent overreacts. You as the parent, know
that mistakes happen in life. You've been making them all
your life, and you and you being a hypocrite here,
you know, And so this is why your kids don't
respect you because they looking at you making mistakes and

(01:14:26):
not saying shit. So you're not even modeling the behavior.
You want them to respect you, but you ain't, yo.
So you gotta you gotta show you work, right, You
got to show your work as parents. So I just
want to emphasize acknowledge the effort. It's okay to be
like yo. I mean, I don't know what you was
trying to do. I mean they don't. I don't know

(01:14:46):
where they do Google maps, don't even know where it
came to me where they do that at. But you
did something. Here are some successes. But let's adjust this
a little bit, man, and just keeping in the forefront
of your mind. Yo. They still learning. I'm still learning, right. Compassion, compassion.
All this is is compassion and consideration. That's all this is, guys,

(01:15:07):
is compassion and consideration. And I think the last one.
I love this one. We just did this one. Celebrate
the lessons, Celebrate them. Life is a school. I teach
that to my kids all the time. It's a school,
and if you look at it from that perspective, you're

(01:15:27):
looking at everything as a what am I supposed to
learn here? I'm teaching them that now because I learned
that as I was growing up. Oh, it's just what
am I supposed to learn here? What am I supposed
to be? Okay? So I'm a student forever. That's why
I say I'm a student of life. I'm learning. I'm
always learning. And if you're an avid learner, that makes

(01:15:50):
you successful because you're always learning, you're always growing, you're
always expanding, You're you always got something, you're interesting, and
the kids are going to feel that. That's the light
right there. You're learning, and you're putting it out there, right,
So celebrate the lessons when you learn it, Renee, Then

(01:16:10):
we celebrate some lessons.

Speaker 4 (01:16:12):
Oh yeah, then they're good.

Speaker 2 (01:16:16):
Then it felt good right giving that to our kids. Yo.
You know, my baby girl got her first broke up
and you break up, and I was like, but then
it was like, you know what, this was very successful.
I did not want to you. I was hoping you
wasn't gonna learn this lesson until later. But it's here.

(01:16:36):
It ain't shit I can do about it. So you
know what, let's just ain't it's here so as parents,
you know, don't try to overplan this shit. Okay, deal
with the now. It's it's hard. I know you're in
survival mode, okay, and you're you're trying to heal. That's

(01:16:57):
the larger part of this is a lot of us
are parenting from unhealed places. So it's hard to speak
life into your kids when you're not feeling alive as yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:17:09):
I gotta piggyback off that.

Speaker 3 (01:17:12):
Okay, real quick again, I'm saying this real fast because
I know real hard. So so I'm just going to
say this, but all parents, anybody that's watching this, truly
try your best to understand you are not your child.
This is their own experience. They have to experience their lenses.

(01:17:35):
You could do all the rioting or imprinting that you
want from yourself onto them, it's still their experience. That's
all good.

Speaker 7 (01:17:44):
Yeah, I'll make my quick, Sure, I'll make my quick.
I just what I what I what, because what I'm
learning in that what I gotta bring and I gotta bring.

Speaker 1 (01:17:56):
It to you because I'm learning too.

Speaker 7 (01:17:58):
It was beautiful how because this is how I see
it in my mind. I'm a little strange, like my
own process and stuff like that. I don't see things
quite like everybody else. But whatever, I think that's the
beauty of it. You're a personal checklist for your child
and it's constantly running. But the person they want to

(01:18:19):
show it to the most, the person they want to
bring that bone back to, the person they want to
show so much work, what what I did it.

Speaker 1 (01:18:27):
It's to the checklist.

Speaker 7 (01:18:28):
And it's a privilege to be that checklist because that
checklist is necessary rules. This is where you hold your
good and evil. This is where you have your thought process.
This is where you're getting your problem solving from. And
I'm learning from a person that is trying to excel
and be better not just for themselves but for everybody
around them. And I'm learning that and I get to

(01:18:52):
bring it back to my checklist. A lot of parents
turn their back and they don't even want to show
you the questions.

Speaker 1 (01:18:57):
That's because they didn't fix it yet.

Speaker 3 (01:19:00):
M h.

Speaker 7 (01:19:01):
And that's okay, that's okay, I'm not that's what that's
that's where that's where you are on your journey.

Speaker 3 (01:19:07):
Shout out town. I'm gonna do it for you, shearman.

Speaker 4 (01:19:12):
Yeah, yeah, I could have seen that paper fly up
like this.

Speaker 7 (01:19:22):
I just took just to just to conclude that I
agree with what everybody on this panel said. I really
hope you heard us, and I really hope we are man.

Speaker 3 (01:19:35):
So facts take a village, man, take a village.

Speaker 1 (01:19:38):
This is mine, this is it.

Speaker 3 (01:19:43):
It's definitely my tribe. It's sir, sir.

Speaker 4 (01:19:46):
I don't have anything else to add. I just learned
some stuff to my a.

Speaker 1 (01:19:51):
I love it too.

Speaker 4 (01:19:53):
I love it the way you feelas just broke that down.
We're just gonna end right there on that note and
trying to fear out this is march. We're marching forward. Absolutely,
We're marching forward.

Speaker 2 (01:20:10):
All right.

Speaker 4 (01:20:11):
I want to thank everyone for jumping in on tonight's Live.
We will see you all back here next next week Tuesday, John,
you got me