Struggling w/Dating: Singles Edition

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Hi friend, I'm Nolo. And I'm Chris, and we are so
glad that you had time to squeeze us into your schedule
today. We are 30, flirty, and quite
honestly just fucking trying. So if you are too, boom, this is
the right podcast for you. We are in our second season
struggling with others. On today's episode we are

(00:28):
talking about dating in 2025 because even though we're
married, we know dating is roughout here.
So this time we brought in an actual professional who can help
us understand and give us real tea on modern dating.
Our special guest is Doctor Jessica Sanchez, License 6

(00:49):
therapist and pleasure advocate.Welcome to the.
Podcast, Thank you ladies. I appreciate you both so much.
I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, you're so excited about.
You, Victoria Sanchez, is gonna help us unpack dating now
compared to when we were last single, when women are choosing
not to settle nowadays and sharea little of her own experience

(01:13):
as a woman navigating in her single era.
So grab your wino Cafecito, get comfy, and let's talk about
things that we should probably be saving for a therapist.
I'm so fucking tired love. It all right, let's start
whining and whining today. We are drinking.

(01:34):
Nailed it. Nailed.
It he's a French she's. You guys OK?
Listen Mama, we spend money at TCU, OK?
There you go. There you go.
So this is a grand Vin, the Bordeaux.
This is why I add the pictures on the YouTube videos because

(01:55):
girl at the CB on Blanc from 2024 so not vintage this time.
Noah, what was the what was the thought process with this one?
It was pretty good price and there were only like 2 left so I
was like this must be a popular one.
Bet bet bet bet. So we're looking at 11.5 and I

(02:16):
have absolutely no idea to the flavor 'cause it doesn't say
shit. So I.
Think it did say citrusy and crisp.
So. OK, OK, OK.
Which is. Everything you want, and it's
all beyond. Let's try this together.
Look at me giving us classy. Pours this time.

(02:37):
So classy. Let's.
Do our little. Ching, Ching, I'm struggling.
All right. Cheers.
Ching, Ching. Oh, that is crisp.
Oh yeah. It's real good.
So go great with the charcuterieboard that you made.

(03:00):
I know Nola's been killing it onthe charcuterie board for our
guests. So good.
It's really amazing. Nola the other day said
something so stupid. She goes, I hope that what I'm
doing is enough. And I was like, are you?
Are you kidding me? You write out the most, like,
exquisite scripts for guests, like, literally so well thought

(03:20):
out so we can all fill a conversation because, you know,
we're going to struggle. You deal with the most amazing
shakuchi boards. Like, you put so much thought
into getting the perfect wine for the guys and doing all the
things. I'm like, girl, I'll punch you.
Yeah, be nicer to my friend. Sorry.
No, that was you are so organized.
I appreciate every someone has to get a type here we.
Love it, we love it. Hates it.

(03:42):
Knows that they can. Knows that I'm good at it.
Fuck yeah, sometimes. I just want to be type B
sometimes. Listen to it.
That's fair. I will say I am I'll I don't
make nolo be in charge 24/7. I do let her be baby sometimes
but on the pod. On pod days, you know?
Yeah, yeah. But during the week when I come

(04:03):
here, Chris does a great job taking care of me.
So. I'm like, I swear I also do
things for her. I'm not just a baby 24/7.
All right, well, Speaking of complaints, perfect segue.
Don't go, just please kick us off.
What is your wine for the? Oh yes, I'm moving.
So, you know, with moving, it's just a lot of organizing,

(04:24):
getting rid of, you know, does this bring me joy?
If not, does it go in this box and this one, you know, and just
as a single girly doing it on myown.
And so there's been so many times, ironically, with what
we're gonna talk about today, but where I have been like, I
just wish I had a man. And then the other day I was
like, no, because he probably fold all my blankets wrong.

(04:46):
And then I would get annoyed. And now you're doing, I'm doing
double the work. So I'm good.
Actually, I got this all by myself.
He's paying for the moving company.
How is he helping? How is he helping that?
Part So that's my wine for the week, but I'm almost done and
I'm feeling really good about itoverall.
Oh yeah, yeah, new. Chapter, all of that good stuff,

(05:06):
I know. Moving is so hard.
It really is. It's a lot of thought process
and you're like getting rid of things.
Yes, actually selling them. Selling them, Donating.
Intentionally donating? Yes.
I'm dealing proud of sellers too.
Is a whole different ball game. That could be.
It's a whole line. Yeah.
Yeah. 5 bottles away. Oh my God.

(05:30):
Nolo. What about you, baby?
It's been a week, yeah. Especially because for some
reason my anxiety was just so bad this week and to where I
started getting physical symptoms, which I haven't had
that happen in a while. Normally I just have normal
anxiety, you know, like. Just the kind of lifts in your
chest but doesn't manifest. Exactly.

(05:52):
Yes, so, but no to where I've been having like chest pains and
a couple of panic attacks here and there.
But you know, it's just got to keep telling myself I'm not
being chased by a wild animal every day like you're chilling,
You're everything's fine, You know, just like minor stressors
that just yeah, especially aftermy whole I had a physical

(06:16):
earlier this week, I was not loving the blood test results.
It's not super serious, but it'sjust I just have to make some
changes. It's not that serious, but I
just didn't love them, you know,me being a little perfectionist
and everything. Like what?
What do you mean? I felt this like.
And with health being such a huge part of your identity, and

(06:38):
The thing is love for yourself, I can imagine too that that kind
of takes a little jab at your. So it's trying to reel myself
back in because I'm an all or nothing person.
So I'm like, I have to cut out this.
I have to do this like changing my whole diet and, you know,
being super dramatic about it. But then I had to reel it back
in and be like, no, you just, there's some minor adjustments,

(07:00):
you know, take a breather. Like.
You'll be fine. Yeah.
It's not, you know, life or death.
Yeah, it's okay. So it's just constantly having
to remind myself to like, chill the fuck out.
It's the real tea. So, yeah, and you know, I just
have to get better at my stress management.

(07:21):
Skills. Yeah, the real team.
What? About you, Chris.
Well, you see, I did that reallysuper non common thing that no
one with uterus is true where they didn't, they're acting
absolutely unhinged and then they're like, oh, why is it?
And then you get your cycle and you're like, look at that.

(07:42):
So I this last week, I was supposed to get caught up on
podcast stuff because I had kindof dropped the ball the week
before. I got no idea why I was
Luteelian, That's why. But this past week I was like,
really struggling mentally and my depression was really bad.
And I'm like, you made the joke about not being chased by a wild

(08:05):
animal, but I'm like, but also, have you seen the news?
Yeah. As a queer immigrant, I, I am
being chased by wild animals. So my fight or fight has been in
and it's always so much. It's always worse because I do
have PTSD and all of these things.
It is always worse during my cycle.

(08:26):
And then you'll sprinkle in current events and you know,
we've just, it's just a recipe for disaster.
So this last week was not what I'd hoped it would be.
I do have to give myself props and say I got more done than I
thought I would and the episode went up and that's what counts.
However, I am really sick and tired of posting the episode the

(08:47):
day. Before.
I really want to get cut off andactually I don't want to be
posting episodes while I'm on vacation during Christmas.
I want to get these scheduled ahead of time.
I want to make sure I have time to actually cut the episodes so
that I can. Do the right marketing.
And enjoy, well, yeah, enjoy theholidays.
But to like, this is such a big project for me.
I want this to succeed so badly.So I'm like, pull the energy out

(09:10):
of your ass and then like, you know, so.
So yeah. So that's my wine is yet again.
I feel like I let myself down and that's just really fucking
annoying. And that's the team.
But also I was little tealing, so yeah.
Yeah. Listen, this is, this is our

(09:30):
business. We get to work around our cycles
so we can at least accommodate that, you know?
Yeah. That's fair.
But also my husband's like, thisis a business and get to it
anyway because when are we goingto start generating?
When's this business gonna? You know, we've made
investments. Where's our life?
Yeah. So I'm like.
Shout out to the producer for keeping us in line.

(09:52):
Shout out to the producer. All right, well, now that we
have released that negativity, let's go ahead and reset with a
quick moment of mindfulness. So I invite you guys to join us
if you are able to. We're going to do a quick
breathing exercise. So if you can.

(10:13):
Close your eyes, get into it. Let's be nice and relaxed.
We're going to take a deep breath in and out, deep breath
in and out. One more deep breath and out and

(10:46):
let's slowly blink our eyes. Wiggle your shoulders, roll your
head, and let's get in the moment.
Today, we are living vicariouslythrough Doctor Sanchez on how

(11:08):
tough the dating world is right now.
To us, sometimes it sounds like our single friends who are
interested in a lifelong partnership are having to choose
between settling for bread crumbs or accepting the
possibility of a life without a partner.
Especially in this digital worldwhere there's constant access to
people online but no real connection, finding the right

(11:31):
partner for you can feel nearly impossible.
Can you give us some insight into the current dating
landscape and how it's changed since we were on the scene?
Oh my gosh, so much has changed since you ladies were on the
scene. No, you know, I think you're
kind of already like started talking about it like the, the
we're in 2025. Technology rules the world.

(11:53):
AI is ruling our worlds right now.
But with that right, I feel likewith technology evolving,
people's communication skills have been left behind.
People's ability to talk to someone in a natural, organic
way, just like us right here, like us 3 on this couch, like
you just have shared energy and started and like you don't

(12:16):
necessarily experience that in person anymore.
And because of that technology and its influence, it's like,
well, let me get on an app, which again is there's a screen
stuck between me and the person until one of us says, hey, do we
want to meet, you know? And so, yeah, I think with
technology, the the interpersonal experience of

(12:39):
getting to know someone and thenpeople's discomfort with being
vulnerable and being able to stay behind the screen, yeah,
you know. I feel like so many people know
that the longer that you stay behind the screen without
meeting in person, the more likely it is that it's going to

(13:00):
fail. However, they would much rather
do that and get the pseudo feelings of giddiness and joy
from the idea of the person thanactually going out on the day
after a week and saying OK see if you're driving in in person
you see this can go somewhere. Which, like, what you're
describing, right, is like how we are.

(13:20):
So our brains have been wired today to like, get the dopamine
hit. Let me get on Tiktok and get
like the pleasure real quick of like seeing a funny video and
laughing. Or let me get on Instagram and
check my Reel that I posted and be like, Oh my gosh, we've had
so many hits so far. Like wanting the dopamine hit,
but then closing, closing the app and then going back to just

(13:40):
like seclusion. Yeah.
You know. I feel like so many of us don't
understand and the why of the need for that.
Like if it's your body's tellingyou you're missing something,
you're missing something, you'remissing a connection, you're
missing a feeling, you're missing of this.
And instead of focusing that, we're like, OK, let's move on to
the next slide. Yeah.
Swipe again, swipe right, which also like speaks to like our
transactional Society of like capitalism, how everything's a

(14:04):
transaction, right? And it's like, how do I get that
dollar faster? How do I get promoted faster,
whatever it is. But then I'm like listening to
you say that I'm like, oh, we'vealso are so disconnected of what
is the difference between a dopamine hit on technology and a
dopamine hit in person with someone.
And we've gotten so far away from our bodies remembering what

(14:24):
it feels like to share space with strangers and organically
just walk up to someone and compliment them or walk up and
just start a conversation and see where it goes.
Yeah. That it's like the bodies are
not remembering those those coreimprints that were once made.
Yeah. And I will forever say, like
millennials have the best upbringing.
Oh yeah, I will fight. To the core with it, but I'm

(14:47):
just like, you know, like the the core imprints that I have, I
can remember those. I feel almost more sad for the
folks that are younger than me that have only grew up on
computer schools. And you know what?
It's so interesting that you saythat because I feel like the IT
is the generation before us and the generations after us that
kind of clung to the technology because they didn't.

(15:08):
That's either all they know or they didn't have that at all.
So one thing is available to them.
They kind of clung. Like Fuller's mom was telling me
like she doesn't understand how me and his cousin like, have all
these hobbies and we like her, Shane and all these things.
She was like, I always just end up on my iPad and I'm like,
that's so sad. That's so sad.
Yeah, absolutely. And.
I think too, especially after the pandemic, because.

(15:30):
We. Everyone was very secluded and
especially the younger generation who was now stepping
into adulthood, especially for those high schoolers at the time
that are now stepping into adulthood and then not being
able to talk to each other. There's my husband has told me
plenty of times of like guys whoare like in their department and

(15:53):
stuff who are dating and, or sometimes they'll be out and
they're like, hey, like, why don't you go talk to that girl?
And he's like, no, like it's just it, it's so hard for them
to have work up the courage to actually start a conversation.
But also how many the girls in that era are also like, you

(16:14):
know, they get the ick easily. Like, oh, this creep is coming
to talk to me, you know, which also I feel like discourages
people from actually encountering and having that
connection or, you know, starting a conversation, whether
it's, you know, if it goes well or not.
You know, it's just like, there's that fear.
Yeah. And I think too, like that's

(16:37):
right, like highlighting like how technology has influenced
the dating world, you hear men say.
And again, them practicing vulnerability.
And that moment when I am havingconversations with them of like,
I don't want to go viral becauseI did something wrong on a date
and I was being recorded. And I'm just like, Dang, are
women out here recording dates? But then I see it.
I'll like see like that she has her phone and like I see

(16:59):
everything that was ordered and I'm like, that has to be a turn
off on the other end. Yeah, as well, right, Regardless
of who it is. I'm like, I'm less.
And even if your job is, even ifyour job is social media, you
just close that again, communication, right?
You just close that. Hey, my job is social media.

(17:20):
I know we're gonna go have a date.
Like I want you to know I'm gonna be focused on the date,
but unfortunately I do have to get some content.
So my phone will be out of the table.
It's not about you. Because then, yeah, the other
person, a date is a vulnerable thing.
Not just I feel like because it's such a fine line, I and I
do not want to alienate any women, but it's such a fine line

(17:40):
because we tend to think of the world as black or white, right?
Like, and it's either it's this or it's that.
And it's like, yes, we have beenvictimized a million times.
It makes sense. But also we're coming in with a
victim mentality to some situations and adding an extra
layer of something that doesn't like we don't communicate the
same way to them that we expect them to communicate for us.

(18:03):
So we're putting so it's expectations for them to me, but
then we are not reading those either.
So then whenever we get into therelationship, that's when you
realize, oh, you're the toxica because you were always setting.
You're like, the guys aren't meeting, they're not treating me
right. They're not treating me, me, me,
me, me. OK.
Well, how are you handling on the flip side as well?

(18:24):
Because that. Also says a lot about you.
So I'm like, yeah, like I understand guys don't need to.
Yeah, they can be creeps and obviously like.
For. Sure.
I I'm a part of it too. I feel like is just in general
culture, we kind of tend to tellthe guys like they if they act a

(18:46):
certain way that they're going to be seen as inferior, less
masculine and things. So if they do approach it from a
kind standpoint, they're afraid of being rejected.
But if they do approach it from a more confident that there can
be a creep. And so.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah. But you also gotta try, right?
You gotta try. You gotta try and you gotta

(19:07):
fail. There are gonna be, there's
gonna be bitches out there. Yeah, 100%.
And that's our reflection on her, not you.
As long as you're not being a creep, why are you concerned
about that? And I think that speaks to where
dating in 2025, you have to havereally great confidence already,
like how you're navigating the world.

(19:27):
Yeah. And I feel like as a single
woman, I have a lot of confidence.
I'm used to taking up space. I walk into spaces.
I demand it. But so then that also translates
into my vulnerability. So like when I see a man, I'm
not necessarily afraid to give him a compliment.
Or approach. And knowing because of where I'm
at, I'm like, I'm good, even if this doesn't go anywhere.

(19:48):
Yeah. And I feel like I'm sure we'll
talk about it at some point, butlike the importance of therapy
or the importance of getting a coach, right and having someone
really empower you to, OK, let'slink that back to some things
that have maybe happened in yourlife that are, you know, making
you feel like you're less than. Yes, let's work through that.
That way you show up more confident in spaces.

(20:08):
And then even that confidence turns into sometimes for women,
like the approachability. Yeah.
Like I'm feeling good. I, I look good today, you know?
I love this color on me. This is my favorite lipstick,
whatever it is. And then other people seeing
your high energy vibrations and your smile and they're like,
Dang, who is that woman? Yeah.
I just want to get to know her regardless if it goes anywhere.

(20:29):
Right? I know.
So yeah. So many different components of
like, what is what is making dating so hard today?
And it's crazy. Because I mean, it's been a over
a decade for me since I was lastsingle.
And I think that was really whenthe rise of dating apps started,
like Tinder. Like I used Tinder before I

(20:51):
hadn't met my husband. And ironically enough, I did not
meet him on Tinder. I met him in a real life bar,
Yeah. And everything.
He approached me. But it's crazy how there's so
many like so much ghosting happening as well on dating apps
or even like if you do switch over to texting and it seems

(21:12):
like it's going well and then all of a sudden it's like.
Yeah. You know, the ghost scene, and I
feel like that also causes a lotof, it's a blow to the
confidence for both men and women, you know?
And you would think that, hey, like, we're grown.
Just say what you mean, right? You know, get to the point.
If you are not feeling it, just let me know.

(21:32):
But I think we're still in that.Like, I just don't want to hurt
someone's feelings or you just simply don't care.
And then there's just like ghosts.
Honestly, saying the wrong thingis better than not saying
anything at all. I mean, don't be a yeah, world's
not black and white. Take that with a grain of salt.
Yeah, but if you're like you're a veteran, I don't want to do
you like that is the wrong response, you know, But

(21:54):
obviously, but I mean. I think it goes back to then the
communication, yes. So even when I'm working with
couples I already know the main problem is that they're
presenting with, they're identifying all these other
things, communication. Communication.
I love all these other sprinkles.
It's communication. Same thing with folks in the
dating world. It's like you said, be

(22:14):
transparent, but being transparent for people is really
difficult depending on whatever that childhood experience was
like, What were the family dynamics?
How have they been raised with their communication style?
And I do think because of technology, it's just like,
well, there's a I'll wait for the next one.
Yeah, like there's this surplus.So we're kind of talking about

(22:36):
earlier. And like, you know, I have
literally looked at like my single guy friends and they're
swiping and I'm like. It's a different cab.
It is. It's.
A full video game and then I'm like you have like 8 nines and
10s across the board. I was like, would you love to
see what I have on my end of like and like these 8-9, like

(22:57):
these women in general, not onlyjust like the physical
appearance. Yeah.
Yeah. But then also, I'm like, I can
only imagine the success that aligns.
Oh, yeah, behind. And we don't even know.
I don't even know her story. Yeah.
And so I do feel like, like, going back to that ghosting
where it's like, well, if a guy doesn't really feel her, then
he's just on to the next one because it takes less than two
minutes to get the dopamine ahead.

(23:18):
Oh, I matched with her. I'm just going to entertain this
one, you know? It's also, I feel like this, it
kind of goes a little bit into the male loneliness epidemic,
but it, it's kind of giving, youjust don't want to put in the
effort, right? It's more work than it used to

(23:40):
be. So now you want to try to find
something that's less work. However, you can have it fast,
you can have it cheap, you can have it easy, you know, pick
your poison, pick your poison, which one?
Pick your poison. And not not only that, but it's
like the expectation that they are raised with culturally out

(24:05):
of marriage and what it's supposed to be for them.
Yeah, it's really, I'm like, youcould be with someone whose
personality you genuinely enjoyed, who is also beautiful,
who has all of these things likeyou just you're gonna have to
work a little hard to find that.You're gonna have to put in a
little bit of effort. But they're like women and
expect XY and C and I'm like, okay, yes.

(24:27):
And they do. Okay.
So let's talk about what you expect.
What do you expect? Do you expect her to stay
looking thin and hot and all of these things?
Okay, great. So we'll put that on your scale.
This is what's on hers. How does that not Right, You
know. Right.
Yeah. Why are we?
Why is what you want more important?
Oh, because what you want is more important than what she

(24:48):
wants. Got it.
OK. You know, like, it's like, yes,
she can have a list of things she doesn't want.
Too many things. Yeah.
She's just knows how she would like to spend the rest of her
life. Yeah, and that's a good thing.
You should do the same, my man. Sit down.
Ask yourself, like, how do you see that?
How do you want your Sundays to be?
Do you really want to be the guythat makes I hate my wife jokes?

(25:12):
Do you really, you know, like, is that really what you want
for? Your future, right?
Yeah. No, for real.
Oh, my gosh. I saw something the other day
that was like, men should be so grateful that we can't see their
penis size like the same way youcan see a woman's breast size.
And the way that men score us immediately just on a.
Physical yeah as well, yeah. And I literally was like, if

(25:35):
that happened, no team, right? Because these how many men these
fucking? Fours.
How many men would be immediately?
You wouldn't. Yeah, look, you wouldn't have
your yeah, you would not even exist.
No, it would be the same thing. Amira Lafaye right there.
Yeah. And I'm like, my man, you don't
even got concealer on. I can see that.
You were out playing Call of Duty all night.

(25:57):
You think I want to do anything with you?
Like, right. It's giving finger blessing and
I'm not careful. No at all.
At all. I said what?
I said yes. And I love it.
I love. It now do you think because of
the rise with social media and AI and everything that it
correlates with the rise of situation ships, you know cuz we

(26:20):
see that the connection, you know obviously being lost and
now people are not wanting to bevulnerable to actually be and
like labeled relationships, I guess like actually being, you
know partners. Instead they're like, I just
want, I want the benefits, but Idon't want the label.
Yeah. So do you think that kind of

(26:42):
correlates with I can? See, I think I think yes, yes,
but then also what you were talking about in regards to like
not wanting to put the work in. Yeah, a situation ship, I think
in a healthy way, right, could be defined as like two people
that have agreed like these are the boundaries.
These are what we're experiencing together.
Yeah, but that's it, right? A healthy a healthy 1 where

(27:03):
communication is at the forefront, right, right.
But then I think over time, regardless if we had a bunch of
men in the room, bunch of women in like very binary there as
well, right. But like, I think over time in
that situation, ship as it continue, continue to, I would
assume that there's an exchange of sexual energy happening, that
emotions are going to start to develop at some point.

(27:27):
And then that's where, like the feelings come in, right?
And then like the boundaries start to become blurred or they
feel blurred for one or maybe both.
But then it's like, well, we're just in a situationship.
Yeah. Like, you're wanting more,
right? And usually I feel like it is
the woman that wants more and it's the man that's like, we
didn't sign up for that. I will say though it and maybe

(27:50):
this is like the women that I'm getting fed on my on my social
media, which would make sense for my algorithm.
Yeah. But it feels like there's a lot
of women now that are choosing to be in situationships.
Yeah. Because I would rather just have
someone that I can hang out withsometime that's gonna somewhat

(28:10):
meet the deed as far as it needs, but that I don't have to
clean up after that because whatis he bringing into my life?
It feels like so many women now are like, you know what?
Let's do this the way you want to do this because I don't want
a boyfriend either. You don't want a girl.
That's cool, right? I don't want your Christians
either. Man, you look like you can't
clean up your socks like. But then I'm like, sis, why are

(28:33):
we sharing sexual energy with someone that socks are dirty?
You know what I mean? Yeah, why are you sharing sex
energy with someone who could be?
Your child, my girl, that's my thing, right?
So no. But I do think and I have I have
caught that like wave of that algorithm too, right where?
But I feel like when I hear women that are very like firm
with like, yeah, I'm in a situation ship.
Those are women that know and they are the ones that are
implementing like the firmest boundaries.

(28:55):
Like those boundaries do not sway.
Yeah, they are very upfront and that man knows exactly how he is
situated in her life. Let him know, girl.
And so let him know, like, again, I love it healthy.
Do you, sis, You know, And if that works for you.
I love that. But I do think, right.
Influence of technology. Yeah.
Like, you see, your algorithm isall these different situation

(29:15):
ships and you're like, you know what, I'm gonna go out and try
that. Yeah.
And it's either gonna land for you or, you know, you're gonna
have to make your own little that did not work and let me
pivot this way. Right.
So, yeah, but I think, I think women are definitely, I think we
are realizing how valuable our pieces for the first time in all
of our generations of women thathave come before us.

(29:38):
And that piece is, I think, the strongest, the most expensive
form of currency that we have. Well, when you're also a working
woman, absolutely that has you're providing the salary,
you're providing, you have the roof over your head, you have
this. What you're looking for in a
provider is no longer financial provision.
You're looking for not provision.

(29:59):
That was the wrong word. We'll skip past that.
You're what you're looking for is someone who is going to
support you emotionally, someonewho's going to support you enjoy
someone who is going to provide you with fun, because at that
point you're like, I just I needpeace.
I what I need is peace. What I need is good Dick.

(30:21):
What I need is, you know, like if you want to add extra money
to my purse, that's cool too. But like I and so men are like
you mean I have to provide emotion emotionally like I can't
just if I don't bring but I havemoney.
Yeah. OK, EE get my what else?
Yeah, what else? You know, like.

(30:42):
It's like what do you bring to the table like I am the table?
I am the goddamn table. Pull up your own fucking chair.
Are you gonna whittle it? Do you have money to buy your
chair? Like what are you gonna you know
cuz if you gotta whittle it, that's fine as long as you won't
put in that effort. If you're gonna be a scrub, be a
hardworking scrub. Like, no.
But I do think these gender roles have changed so much.

(31:04):
We've gone through such a different evolution.
And men, because we're still living in such a patriarchal
society, are having a really hard time because they're not
encouraged to have mental healthand go to therapy, as you were
saying. And they're they don't.
They're therapies for people whoare crazy.
It's not, dude. It's just to be able to work
through certain kinks so that you can continue to do things

(31:27):
like you can work through your feelings at the gym still, you
know, right? No one's telling you you can't,
right? But just get shit out of your
chest for a second so that you can hear your own thoughts out
loud and be able to see like, oh, this is kind of how I'm
playing myself. Let's how can I do more for me?
And then that will also reflect in my relationships as.

(31:47):
Well, right, right. And I feel, you know, on the
opposite of that, like men also saying like, oh, like women,
y'all just like hate men now. And it's like, no, no, no, no,
it's not that. But like the decentering is
real. The decentering of like the
patriarchal narrative that like used to control women's lives of
like, oh, you didn't have a babyby this time, you're not a

(32:09):
woman. Oh, you haven't got this far in
your career or education, You'renot doing good.
Oh, you know, you had multiple partners.
You were only supposed to sleep with one person your whole life.
Like all of those toxic, violentforms of oppression right
against women. And it's like, so when we start
to decenter, we're decentering all of that toxicity and

(32:32):
replacing it with like, oh, well, I still can't have a baby.
Like women literally this last year had more babies after the
age of 40 than teen pregnancy. Like it literally laughed.
And I'm just like, it's so beautiful to see at the same
time, right? And you know what's been such a
huge traffic of conversation in the business world for the last
few years? So much so that I saw it at
every state of the industry event in the builder industry.

(32:56):
OK, OK. Birth rates.
Yeah, the decline of birth ratesand women, they're not having
sex with the men. They won't have babies.
These fucking feminists. And it's like, no, dude, we want
to have a family on our own time, on our own terms.
And with men who genuinely want to be a Father.

(33:18):
God, no. And so many men I talked to, so
many men who get wrapped up in the same way the little girl
mentality gets wrapped up in theDisney fairy tale or whatever
you were watching. You want to have a kid, You want
to have a kid you're. Going to get married you're.
Going to have. Kids and like boys, little boys
are told the same thing and I'lltalk to men and I'm like, do you
really want that? Or I will ask them like on

(33:38):
dates, tell me everything that you want to accomplish in life,
girl. They start, they start saying
all these things, right? And then I said, and I'll say
who's going to watch the kids? And the silence of like, they
don't know what to say because they're looking at me.
I was like, well, you're the oh,I got my thing going on.

(33:58):
Yeah, I'm sorry. But you assumed I was a
caregiver. But then it's also a beautiful,
like, reminder. Like I'll say, like, you get to
choose that too. Like, I am very uncertain
whether I will have children, but I know that if I meet a man
who genuinely wants to be a father and I feel that there's a
partnership, there's a he has bought this out.
He has not got sucked in. Yeah.

(34:20):
To the the very traditional, youknow, script of what?
We were told this is. What you do, you get married.
You have a kid. No, because you know what I will
say I have, I hate it. There are a few, a few dads in
adjacent friend groups, I will say, who wanted to be the stay

(34:42):
at home dad developed different substance abuse issues while
they were taking care of the kids because they no longer felt
because they actually weren't ready for what that role was
going to look like. They didn't fully know what that
was going to be and they don't actually know how to generate

(35:04):
joy from this new circumstance. So all of a sudden there having
to deal with the societal pressure and of the emotional
and all the things and they crumbled like a fucking cookie.
They crumbled and they're two ofthem are in the path to divorce
already started. And it's so it's so fucking sad

(35:27):
because she believed. She genuinely believed that's
what he wanted because he thought out of naivete.
Yeah. That that's what he wanted to.
Yeah. Not once, actually.
Considering what it fucking takes, yeah.
Yeah. And so I, yeah, I can't
reiterate that enough for like anyone that's listening to our

(35:49):
episode think it through. Like give yourself time.
You are on your own, you know, time clock of when things happen
and when you meet your person orpersons, however that's showing
up for you. Yeah, gosh, having those
questions of like. And that's on Polly Go.
Literally. Absolutely.
And I'm just like even the powerful question of like, what

(36:09):
is one thing that like you love that your parents did and like
sit in that right or whoever took care of you guardians,
whatever. And then the opposite of like,
what are things that you absolutely like if hate is the
identifying word and put that ifthere's things that you don't
ever want to pass on that your parents did?
Yes. You know name that.
But like having those conversations, it will tell you

(36:30):
real quick too where someone is at with their ability to
personally reflect deep. You know what I was told by my
therapist whenever I first kind of started being like, I don't
know who I am, therefore I don'tknow what I want and I'm
terrified. And I of course, I was already
in a relationship with Fuller, so that was a whole different.

(36:51):
That was a whole. Different layer to.
Unpack at the time too. But she said she asked me, How
do you picture your Saturday mornings?
Genuinely, genuinely in your perfect world.
Yeah, yeah. How do you see your Saturday
morning? Yeah.
How do you see your Sunday morning?
Yes, Find the person that. Matches.
I love that. I love that so much.
How do? You envision the rest of your

(37:13):
life going right. Like what would you like to?
I love that so much. And I was like, go ahead there.
No, I don't. What do I wanna do?
All that, you know? Yeah.
It's we. We don't take time it.
We just think we're gonna get married.
We're gonna have kids. We're gonna check this box.
We're gonna check that box. We're gonna.
We are not paperwork. Yeah, we are not right, right.

(37:36):
Yeah, yeah. Such a great way to put it that
we're not paperwork. I have a friend who tells me
because I also live vicariously through their single life and
they tell me that, you know, when they go, when she goes on
dates with these guys, you know,like she pretty much lays it out

(37:57):
on the table too. Like, hey, if I have kids in the
future, like I'm still going to be working, like I plan to have
like my mom as you know, help meget caretake and everything.
And like, and half of the time, like these guys are so
dumbfounded the same way, just like, oh, like, you know what,

(38:21):
what do you mean? Like you're not going to be at
home. And it's just like, no, I have
to work too. Like, you know, and I, I do love
that because I feel like one, it's like wedding them out.
You know, just like, don't. Don't waste my time.
Don't waste my time if I'm already so set and like, hey,
this is how I see my future. And it's like either, you know,

(38:41):
like if you feel like you can match that, like great.
But if you feel like that is notin the cards for you, don't
waste my time. And I also feel like those same
men that you are literally like that she's been on date with,
those are the same men that are looking for a mom, Yes.
For their person, yes. They don't want truly an
ambitious, like a woman who is just her and that she does what

(39:03):
she wants and she, you know, whatever all those characters,
they want a mom. Yeah.
And the. And so I love that she's asking
those intentional questions because I'm like, they'll let
you. They'll let you know real quick.
You just have to be in a space of whether you're listening to
receive the information and be like, yeah, he hasn't thought
this through. Besides this, this is what my
mom did for me and that's what Iexpect my person to do as well.

(39:25):
And they don't realize, too, that they are searching for
their moms because they're like,yeah, my mom did this for my
dad. She showed up.
She was this that Was your mom happy?
Was your mom happy? What's their marriage looking?
Like, and also I'm like, why? Why are those same women the one
that when I talk to them, they're like, you're single,
stay single. They're like don't, don't do it.

(39:47):
They're like don't get married, don't have kids.
And I'm just like, OK. Yeah, yeah.
No, but truly they are the amount of times that I told
someone I was getting married and they went.
I was like. Girl, right?
You're not. You're not.
Don't scare me. Yeah, scare me.
But to be fair, most of those women were from a very specific

(40:10):
part in society. Yeah.
Yeah. And so I was like, no,
heteronormativity not working for you.
Yeah. Patriarchy sucking ass.
That's so. Real.
You mean to tell me you weren't happy with a man child that you
married? Like right?
It's a crazy concept. You don't want to fuck the man
that you constantly have to clean up after like he's your

(40:31):
child. Wild who?
Who could have known that that would dry up?
I love both of my sisters are are married and I remember one
time I was talking to one of them and she I could hear my
brother-in-law like asking like where's the da da da, you know,
and she's just like, Oh my gosh,you know, she yells back, use
your eyes use. Your like he's a fucking

(40:53):
kindergarten. Use your eyes.
No, no, I miss it. No, I miss you like they're
right where I always leave. I'm use your eyes and then he's
like found it and I was like, girl, I can't do it.
I can't, so we. Nip that shit in the butt real
fucking quick. We.
Because I would use your eyes. Yeah, I'm like, let me give some
advice for the single girl he's dating.

(41:13):
Let me just put because the way.Listen, Linda, I love Fuller and
he has grown into a man. We were not there when we first
started, OK, He want the intention was there, the goods
that that the good intention wasthere.
He wanted to be that man. Society and his Mama did him an
injustice, you know, And so thatwas the thing.

(41:35):
It was always like and hey, where did I and I'd be like,
listen, I am perfectly happy helping you find helping you
problem solve if you need something.
But I swear to God, if you ask me before, you so much as
fucking try fist to the world. OK?

(41:56):
And how do I, hey, how do I boila potato?
You know what God invented Google for a fucking reason.
YouTube and Tik. T.O.K and YouTube and TikTok and
everything and you know what's crazy is I had to figure this
shit out on my own. So here's how about you attempt,
attempt to do it on your own. And when you fuck it up, I help

(42:18):
you, we grow. And then the next time you
attempt again, you might fuck itup legs.
And we continue to go from it. Oh, no.
You want me to back into your mouth?
No, Mamas. No.
Like, no, we're not doing that. Yeah.
So it took a couple years, but eventually, you know, because.
Because my response was the same.
It really was. And he didn't get again, it also

(42:40):
it's he has to not be enough of a Dick to actually have his head
and have his anus and be able tobe like, bro, yeah, I get it.
This scenario where I can whatever.
And so he did. He was like, you know what, I
get the frustration. I understand He's like, I I do
wish like and I'm like, I get it.
You want to have your problems not easily.
Don't we fucking all. Yeah, but do you understand the
mental labor that I am now having to do extra because you

(43:04):
wanted your life this year? No, Mamis right.
We are either both making each other's lives easier or we're
not doing this at all, right? So again, if you need a genuine
assistance, I am happy to be right back.
Yeah, but you better not pretendthat you are an incompetent
nothing because you're a grown ass man who can indeed use us
two eyes move boxes and find thefucking lentils.

(43:25):
Get out of here, lentils. Get out of here like lentils.
And I feel like, you know, especially for us and
specifically we met our partnersin our 20s that, you know, we're
all still growing. You know, there's a little bit
of like, I feel grace in that because, you know, we're still
both trying to grow, whether it's separate or together.

(43:48):
But I feel like specifically being in your 30s, like, OK,
you, you've been an adult for quite a bit of a time.
You you should take responsibility for whatever
trauma like go to therapy. Do.
The work absolutely take some accountability.
Take some accountability. The advice I just gave was for
the 20 somethings because if he's 30 something and still be

(44:08):
like oh come for. You and yeah.
You wouldn't even have. Time.
No, because nobody has time to raise somebody else's crusty
son. OK?
Nobody has time to raise somebody else's crusty son,
Right? Raise yourself.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah, and that's that.
Yeah. Maybe then feminism won't be so
hard on you. That's just me, right?
Preach. Now going back to the whole like

(44:32):
lonely male epidemic, I feel like especially, you know, we,
yes, we, we have a podcast, we, we specifically talk a lot of
topics, but the red pill contentthat has been out there and
circulating. And I feel like unfortunately
it's has been grabbing a lot of these young men and even some of

(44:53):
you know, you know, males who are already in marriages too,
and I feel like. It.
Reverts. Them back.
Can you elaborate for listeners who don't know the concept of
the red pill? What that so like the red pill?
Content, I mean, I, I, I don't personally listen to it, but I,
I see it often on TikTok of, youknow, these guys on podcast just

(45:18):
re like the, the traditional gender norms, like why is it
that women, you know, do this orthey don't want, they don't want
husbands anymore and feminism and just like pushing
traditional gender roles again, like shoving it down their
throats and being like, you know, and I, I get it having to,

(45:43):
you're trying to give the men confidence, which they all
deserve, you know, to be confidence, but also like, I'm
trying to find the right words. It's like you're, you're pushing
forward the patriarchal like agenda.
Yeah. It's like pushing down someone
in order to push yourself. Back up.

(46:03):
Exactly. It's unnecessary.
It's like not without taking accountability of what you guys
have already set the system to be.
You're failing yourselves. Yeah, at this point, but you're
just shoving it down other guys throats to validate yeah that
yeah, you don't need to change. They need to change.
They need to isn't. Wrong.

(46:24):
Exactly. It's them that have to change.
They're ungrateful. They you know.
Yeah, you know, I recently saw avideo actually.
I mean, I quickly swiped throughit because I was like, I don't.
Go Yeah, your place. Oh no, a white man crying on my
feet. And so I bet, but it was
literally a guy being saying that he was like you.

(46:45):
I just, he was like, you go to these groups because you want to
learn how to socialize and you want to learn how to
communicate. And all of a sudden you start
getting fed this rhetoric, theseideas of This is why you can't.
It's not on you. You don't have to take
responsibility for your actions or for the lack of information

(47:06):
the nation that life gave you and learn to grow.
They are responsible for this. And they slowly but surely they
start being like, maybe they areright, maybe and they find one
or two seats of truth and groundthemselves on that and sprout
lies from there. And so these guys that were
originally that were originally good guys in the cringy sense,

(47:30):
like all of a sudden they are now like, yeah, fuck these
bitches, you know, Because aftera while, when you, I mean,
surely people think, how can anybody believe that
psychologically you get told thesame thing over and it's like.
Playing the victim mentality. Glad.

(47:51):
Oh yeah. It it, it taps into a certain,
like I, I want to say ethos, butI'm probably misspeaking, but it
taps into a certain emotion, a certain something in there that
you're like. Yeah.
This makes more, this makes sense.
This this is what it is. And so they kind of get wrapped
and sucked into it. I mean, there are some betas

(48:13):
that naturally go out there seeking for that in women media
content, but there are so many men that don't.
They don't know better and then they get sucked into that by
their own peers. Yes, yes, my one of my cousins,
like I remember because he did at one point was watching a lot
of like Andrew Tate and stuff like that.
And I would literally just be like, shut the fuck up, stop it.

(48:37):
Look at me. Look do yourself a favor.
Yeah, I'm like, do yourself a favor, please stop.
And, and it's so funny because over time, obviously, I I think
he is slowly realizing because this is like what, fresh out of
high school that he was being fed this content.
And now that he's a little bit more in his 20s, he's like, all
right, like I was a Dick, you know?

(48:59):
Yeah. And it's just like, yeah, you're
not going to convince any girl to be with you acting like that.
I. Will say, it's fascinating to me
how men that look like they growpubes on their fucking face are
the ones that the guys would be like, yeah, the guy knows what
he's talking about. That man is a Q-tip with pubes
on his face. What are you talking about?

(49:21):
Why would you trust that man? Have you seen him?
God, that's a face only a Mama could love, he says.
Anyway, so so boundaries. Yeah, So what?
Are some boundaries that one canimplement for themselves when it
comes to the dating world, especially how it is now.

(49:44):
Yeah, Yeah. Well, you know, I think that's
a, that's a very loaded question, right, Because it's
like, has this person even examine like boundaries that
they need at work? Yeah.
Boundaries they need with a roommate.
Yeah, boundaries they need with family, right.
Versus like jumping all the way into the dating scene and.
That's so. Interesting.
Yeah. Boundaries with everything,
right? Because if you're a person,
because I'm going to tell you people that are successful with

(50:05):
their boundaries, they have navigated being the bad person.
Yes. So I think about our family.
You are told that the family members that you have are
supposed to love you the most, but then ironically, those are
the people that usually perpetrate the most violence
against you because they know you very well.
And so when you can get through implementing boundaries needed
within your family dynamic and be labeled the bad person

(50:27):
because you're actually coming in with a boundary and you are
upholding it and you're causing the discomfort of others of
having to honor that right. That's a whole different healed
somewhat. I don't like everyone's healed,
right? That's a healing.
That is a healed person who theycan go into the dating world and
be like, Oh, no, no, no, no. I've navigated my whole family.

(50:49):
Yeah, what do you? Mean right?
Yeah, like this is this is a cakewalk.
Yeah. Yeah.
And so I say that, right, Like so if you're a person that needs
that work with boundaries, like great place to start with self
and examining all the different systems you occupy and where can
you use more boundaries. But when I think about dating, I
think again going back to that self-confidence, right?
And like, what do you tie to your worth?

(51:12):
And I think women get very uncomfortable.
But even when you're like, the red pill content is completely
objectifying a woman. Yeah, that is what it is.
It is making a woman of object. She is no longer a human.
And I always tell not equal. Yes.
I always tell my my students themoment we can objectify a human
being, that is a moment we can perpetrate violence against them

(51:32):
because we no longer see them asa human.
That's what red pill content is for women.
Right. And so when I then ask women and
I do this work in the therapeutic space, how much what
are you worth? And they're like, what do you
mean? You want me to give you a
dollar? I want you to give me a dollar
amount. And what I'm wanting as their
therapist is for them to tell meI'm worth a billion dollars,
right. But women don't walk in with.

(51:53):
There is no price on me. There is.
No limit like right. And if there is a price, I want
the price to be so expensive, right?
And usually it's like, OK, well,like 100,000, that's an.
Hourly rate. That's an hourly rate.
But you know, so starting first,like what is your worth?
Like what do you do truly see yourself right?

(52:15):
And then also, I think taking itlike a step further, like where
will you accept your first dates?
Like there is women that are like they are the makeup Queens
and I know that their products are very expensive.
They do not accept a coffee date.
They're like, why am I going to put on a full face and get on an
outfit and stuff like this? That's like. $35.
Piece exactly right there, if that right not in common.

(52:38):
For the time I'm. Taking an $8 matcha, like I'm
just not doing that. And they're like, I'm going to
go spend time with my home girls, yeah, for that, and be
all dressed up to the nines and do what I need to do.
Right. So boundaries and even that I
think boundaries in a sense of like, what is your communication
style, right? Are you looking for a pen pal?
Yeah. Or are you looking for a a
partner, a man who's going to belike, hey, can we now exchange

(53:01):
numbers in a respectful way? Right.
Is I know when I, we have to do like a FaceTime.
I need to know that you are the real person.
Yeah. Of like this is what I've been
presented. If I'm, if I'm navigating so
smart. Yeah, I'm not I'm not showing up
blind. We're not doing any blind, you
know, Reveals. Yeah, yeah, I've seen catfish,
Yeah. Yeah, we all, we all grew up on

(53:22):
it. And so that's a hard boundary, I
think too, if we're gonna get into this, like, very weird
complex of like, bring back masculinity, but bring back the
healthy traits, not the toxic traits of it.
OK, so then what does that mean?Are you gonna let him pay for it
first? Is that your expectation or are
you gonna communicate out that you feel more comfortable doing
5050? If that is a boundary for you,

(53:43):
we can honor that. Yeah, I do see so many people
that are like, well, you just kind of wait and see what
they're. And I'm like, you can't.
And, but I'm like, honestly, personally for me, I, I was
always where I wasn't always. But right before we started
dating, it was one of those like, OK, like I'm, if I did
have a great time, like I'm, I'mhappy to pay for, for half of

(54:05):
this, like, please, let's do it.And if I didn't have a great
time, I would insist on paying. No, like, no, like I'm paying
for my part because expectations, yeah, transaction
in there. And so men are so transactional
and it's well, if I paid for this and I have to receive that
and it's like, that's how you'regoing to view the entire

(54:26):
relationship. That's already an issue.
The way that we handle payment on this first date tells me a
lot about how we're gonna because it should be out.
I enjoyed this. I want to pay for it, right.
And like and, and, and if you want to be the guy that wants me
to pay for it sometimes too, whythe fuck can you not say that?

(54:47):
You know like maybe sometime youcan treat me to something nice
too, but I will always treat youto something nice.
And then you don't sound like a broke ass boy but you let are
still letting me know like. Like I'm happy to treat you nice
things but I would love for you to treat me sometime too like.
I'm a huge advocate, like let meslip my man out for a night and
like wine and dine him. Treat him like a king.

(55:08):
You know, yeah, all of that, right.
But also again, my boundary expectations all that I think
another boundary that we don't discuss enough is around safety
and dating, right, especially aswomen.
And so thinking about giving a lot more space of how safety is
showing up for you as you are navigating dating.
And then also boundaries around.I think we've all had the home

(55:30):
girl that like met their, met a person, met a guy.
And then like at 2 weeks she's like, I think he's the one.
And then at like 3 weeks, she's like, we're moving in and you're
just like, Oh my gosh, this is going.
I'm way too looking into a group.
Chat, I know I was like, do you know my friend?
No, no, only night bubbles up with each other.
We were like. I felt the energy.
I felt the energy right here when I said, you know a.

(55:51):
Person but that's why to tell usafterwards and be like you did
that shit on purpose. No, no, no, no.
This is all me. Because I there's always a home
girl. There's always a home girl, but
there's always a. Home Girl There's always a home
girl A. Healthy relationship.
We want the slow burn. We want.
We don't want fast. We don't know someone.
Yeah, in their first 90 days. We heck sure don't know someone.
Even after a year like we are, you're still learning the things

(56:13):
about your man and your you knowand your man.
I mean, there's a certain level of like fast burn that it makes
sense. And then there's a certain level
of fast burn that's like, baby, this is giving manic episode,
right? Like there's, you know, cuz I'm
like, I mean, at the end of the day, like, OK, yeah, maybe you
do start spending a lot of time over at their place and all

(56:34):
these things by three months you're spending almost every
night with your spot or whateverand you've got a drawer, but
it's just a drawer. Yeah.
It's just, you know, like you still are paying for it in your.
Other what's the? Point of paying rent at my other
place. No, you're fucking independence.
What do you mean what's the point?
Convenience should not be the thing that ties you to another
human being. Yeah, literally.

(56:56):
And I feel like as women, we geteven you started, right?
You said, like, women are feeling like we're having to
settle that when we find what wedeem a good quality man.
And then all of a sudden we start seeing the many red flags
and we're like, OK, we'll just ignore those.
But we start to feel the pressure of like, well, I've
spent three months with this person and like, I'm gonna just

(57:16):
lock it in. Yeah, girl, do not be in a rush.
Like, try. I know it's hard.
I know it's hard. I know.
But like the boundary of giving yourself time, giving your body
time and being able to reflect, Like how do I personally feel?
How does my body feel when I'm with this person?
How do I leave feeling right? I feel like checking in with

(57:38):
your body and yourself takes away that knowledge, takes away
that step of do I like that person or do I like the thought
of that person, The thought of being wanted and how being
wanted makes me feel, not necessarily how their actions
towards me. I literally just text the man
that the other day I was like you say, you miss me, you miss

(58:00):
the idea of me. Like he was not ready for that.
Yeah. Literally he the text rightly
has died out, right? Which is fine, but I was like,
but I'm gonna speak what I know and this is the truth.
Or at least what you feel. And then that gives him the
opportunity to be like, I can see what you think that, but
here's XY and C, and that's why not.

(58:20):
But if he's like, you know what?Yeah, I'm out.
Then they love it. Yeah, we love it.
Yeah. Cross it off the roster.
And I feel like I don't know if this is common, especially with
like neurodivergent people that,you know, you get that dopamine
of like, you know, you meet someone new, it's exciting.
And you know how like sometimes,like, you know, we do become

(58:42):
hyper fixated on that one thing or person and then it's just
like all of a sudden, like everything's moving so fast and
furious. And then, yeah.
Because of that dopamine. But then you get that crash.
Yeah, You know that I think a lot of neurodivergent people hit
and then it's like, well, fuck, like I've made it this far.

(59:02):
Like, yeah, you know, what do I do?
And then most people, I feel like they just, they stick it
out. Yeah.
Because you. Think you've made a decision, so
now it's a lifelong choice. Yes, and I think that goes back
to too, and I say like also likeneuro divergent or not, right, I
think that's like just maybe thethe body experience as well.
But also I think why women like I think there's this like, gosh,

(59:26):
like we get frustrated with men that can juggle multiple women.
But as a woman who is in her season of dating, right, I now
throw I mean, I've been understanding, but like I
understand the importance of having not all of my eggs in one
basket. I date multiple.
Does it get overwhelming? Absolutely.

(59:47):
I'm like, what is John do again?Let me look through my notes,
you know, and like and like I have to take notes, right and
make sure. But like I think that's also
where that comes from of like, well, now I have to lock in.
I have to keep moving forward because I put all of my eggs in
one basket and it's like, no, sis, I need you to keep those
eggs and spread them out and then also keep some for you.

(01:00:09):
Oh. Yes, I love that.
I saw that. But I think that also speaks to
how we've been taught about the purpose of dating.
Oh, for sure. And this is something that I
recently told my nephew to because he was like, you know,
TT because with my ADHD, I forget.
Yeah, yeah, I forget to mess. I was dating this girl, but I
just forget to message her back.And I was this.

(01:00:29):
And so, hey, it just doesn't even matter because, like, I'm
so young and I'm not even tryingto get married.
So, like, what's it? I was like baby dating doesn't
have to be about getting marriedright?
If marriage is 100% then that's an amazing thing.
But even if marriage is what youwant, you can still want
eventually marriage but still bein your season of right now I'm
just trying to discover my likesand my dislikes.

(01:00:51):
If I happen to find someone within that time, cool dope of
shit whatever. Hope I don't so that I can
actually get to experience this time.
I didn't me speaking from verbalexperience, and I didn't I met
the fuck after three days. It was fine, but like you're
like, this is the time for me toreally find out what fits with

(01:01:15):
me instead of going into the state and being like, gosh, I
really hope they like me, which you can want to connect with
someone, right, But at the end of the day, remind yourself that
the top priority is not just I hope we click.
I hope they like me, but I hope that they will be able to fit

(01:01:36):
into what I am looking for, right, right.
Because you need to be centered first and foremost.
You can still have a fun time and then not fit into that.
And then it was a great day. Thank you so much for your time.
Thank you. Next, you know, it doesn't have
to be for more than that. Just spend some time finding out

(01:01:59):
what you like, what you don't like, what you do want.
Because sometimes you don't knowuntil you try.
Sometimes you just don't. And that's OK.
As long as you're communicating that to the people that you're
dating, you're not misleading anyone.
You're not. What they take with that, if
they end up getting misled, if their feelings end up confused,
that is a thing to handle later on.

(01:02:20):
That's on them. Y'all can talk through that, but
your feelings, your rights matter so much.
Figure that out. First, exactly, yeah.
And that I think that ties directly like with the
boundaries, right, Yeah, like what do I like?
Yeah. So then I have vocalize them
OWL. And then that ties us back into
that. Everyone needs to go to therapy
so. Therapy, that's the Yep.

(01:02:42):
Bottom line, bottom. Line therapy thank you for.
Coming to Ted Talk to therapy. Yeah, now let's talk.
About because I feel like yeah, a lot of people obviously they
date because I mean they. Are they're looking for
pleasure? Looking for pleasure, but what
for those people that are just like, you know what?

(01:03:02):
I'm not in my season right now to emotionally, I'm not
emotionally available, but I still deserve pleasure.
Absolutely. I'm still working on myself.
What are some tips that are you know what, what do you think
would be a good place to start for those people that are
seeking that? I love that so much and I love

(01:03:22):
that y'all are even thinking about pleasure like through the
dating experience. But you know, a lot of the work
that I do is with women who are trauma survivors and so or my
postpartum Mamas, right where there's been like this huge
change with the body or something happened that was not
consensual right, But again happened to the body.
So with that, one of the things that I love to do is my pleasure
scavenger hunt worksheet with them.

(01:03:44):
And so where we will start is like, even defining pleasure as
women, going back to multiple things that we've talked about
today with like, the societal scripts that are implanted.
And then we're not even talking about cultural yet or like
religion or education. Yeah, just societal.
But like the first time we watched the Disney movie and we
wanted to be the Princess and wewanted to find our Prince,
right. So that script was embedded.

(01:04:06):
Same thing with pleasure. It's usually taught to us that
is this only a vaginal penile form a pleasure, right?
And it's a man, it's a woman. It's getting very binary.
And again, the woman's pleasure is not talked about, but we
always know the man experiences some form of pleasure.
So I will ask, what is our definition of pleasure?

(01:04:26):
Like? What are we, what are we
defined? Like?
What are we starting at? What's the baseline in order to
understand where her brain is AT?
And then I'll start with or moveinto, you know, give me what do
you need in order to experience pleasure for them to start
thinking about, OK, well, where are the places that I have
experienced pleasure and what was that environment like for me
again, cuz trauma survivors, there's a lot of reclaiming of

(01:04:48):
what we want in the pleasure journey.
And then of course, ending it with what are three ways your
body experience is pleasure. And usually they're very
sexually driven. Well, then I give this worksheet
that's like, what's your pleasure or what's your
connection with pleasure and nature?
What's your connection with pleasure and smell?
What's your connection with pleasure and a warm dryer full

(01:05:12):
of towels coming out and you taking them?
I just got goosebumps. No, no, no, no.
I have to hold on hold that fastbecause because I have my my
frisson going on right now. I always like and I tell any
presentation that I do, but I talk about I'm like, if you are
a person who can listen to a song and you get prison, but the

(01:05:33):
goosebumps all over your body, I'm like that is your body
experiencing a skin orgasm? And I always joke and say I wish
my clitoral orgasms is lasted aslong as my skin orgasms.
But that's. Whereas quick last.
Longer, yes, yes. But telling people right now how
you know, I've given you this verbiage and so the next time

(01:05:53):
you're experiencing your goosebumps, that's your frizzen.
And like, sit in that, sit in that moment of pleasure with
your body and actually realize how long it lasts for you
because we've expanded your understanding, right?
So it's this front and back beautiful sheet that I've
created all these different areas, nothing sexual.

(01:06:13):
And that's where we're working with trauma survivors and
postpartum Mamas. I'm not looking to get
reconnected to the womb. We need to take this off the
table first because more than likely this is where the traumas
happened, right? And same thing when you are
single and you're maybe not in your area era yet to like be
with other people. Baby, I cannot think of a better

(01:06:35):
time for you to focus on your pleasure and figuring out what
works for you, what feels good, what does it right?
And when you are ready to start to feel some special connection,
sacred connection, right with with your sacral chakra, your
room, all of it. Yeah.
Then start to explore that area of yourself.

(01:06:56):
I think even giving yourself time, like as I know my sex
education in Nebraska was horrible, horrible.
It's relatively the same as Texas.
I was going to say. It's no better in this area.
It's no better accidentally fear.
Based. That's it, right?
Yeah. And I'm like, have you ever
taking the time to, like, actually look at your vulva and
like, know what she looks like? And like, women are like, what?

(01:07:18):
No, you know, and I'm like, let's do that.
Like there's so much power in knowing what your vulva looks
like. Because there's so much fear
that women have to even look at their freaking junk.
I'm like, baby, that's between your legs, right?
That's you. And that's a huge part of you.
Why are we terrified? Right.
And I'll never forget when one mom came up to me and she said,
I've had three children and she was in tears.

(01:07:40):
And she said, but after sitting through my my workshop, right,
she was like, everyone has seen my vulva besides me.
And everyone was right. Her doctors that helped deliver
the nurses, her husband. And I was like, oh, so again,
going back to this pleasure script of like, what a sacred
time for you as a single woman doing your thing, focusing on

(01:08:02):
you, focus on the entire body, then, right, everything that
your body deserves to experienceassociated with pleasure.
And then taking kind of if thereif there is this anxiety right
around knowing that one in threewomen and one in four women,
depending on the research, are trauma survivors of some form,
right? And so giving yourself grace,

(01:08:23):
connecting with your body in allthese different ways, redefining
your pleasure narrative for yourself.
And then, of course, when you'reready to work in new toys and
experience, am IA clitoral, you know, Comer or am IG spot or am
I another spot, you know, like whatever.
But then starting to explore your body in that way too.
That way. I just feel like right, like

(01:08:44):
when you're ready to get back out there then and share your
sacred, sacred sexual energy, you're going to be able to
vocalize. No, touch me here.
Kiss me here, please. Actually, I experienced more.
I want to do sex in the mountains because I made this
whole trip and I didn't realize how much pleasure I experienced
when I'm outside. Oh my God.
And that's what I want to do. You know you name that with your

(01:09:05):
person. That's so much vulnerability,
too, to be able to experience, and there's something about
being able to share that level of vulnerability with someone
that's just so exciting and so fun.
It's so sad to me because it really does something that you
just said it. We really do grow up thinking
that our vulvus and our uterusesare not.
Ours, I know. At all.
We don't think they are not a part of us, they are not with

(01:09:27):
us. They are something that's
machine, a tool to be used for us to give birth to children
later, for us to give our partners pleasure.
And that's the extent of so. Far from it, especially with our
womb holds so much sacred knowledge.
It holds our area of creativity.So like if you are a person
person, when you are tapping as a you know, uterus owner, like

(01:09:51):
when you are having your creative moments, that is your
room lining up like your sacral chakra is like.
Thriving so and see, and for me personally, I mean, I, I have a
little bit of a different experience being non binary, but
I, I'm personally, I don't feel like I was have, I feel like it
was a lottery of what I was bornwith down there.
And I was like, it was like, it matched up and that's fine.

(01:10:13):
What's got to go is the stuff upstairs.
And so like I do feel connected to my womb regardless of that.
But I always knew that I never wanted to carry children myself.
That was never a thing. So there was always a certain
layer of then what for? Then what for if that's not what

(01:10:34):
it's for? And being able to reclaim that
in the last few years and it being like, well, it's for me,
yeah, it's for my pleasure, it'sfor my enjoyment, It's for my
life. Like that has been such a crazy
mindset shift and it's I'm literally like almost into your
thinking about it because genuinely, after spending such a

(01:10:56):
long time, not only feeling so disconnected from a certain part
of me because, and I don't know why, but just disconnected from
a certain part of me, but also to realize that it's OK that it
was never for me going to be used for that purpose.
It was just holding space insideof a physical being.
And and that's where I drive my energy from.
And that's the purpose. That's it.

(01:11:18):
That's all it can have to be for, you know?
So I really do think some of us just need to take the time to
really ask ourselves, like, justbecause we have the tools on our
hands, right? Just because you're really great
at drawing doesn't mean that youwant to be an artist, right?
Yeah. Right.
Exactly, exactly and like. Yeah, you got a Yeah, you don't
have a good. Words yes and I just feel like,
you know like if you are a person who has a clitoris like

(01:11:42):
you like that is the one part yeah on I I could be binary like
the female body that is soul's purpose is for pleasure right
And it breaks my heart every time when I do a presentation
and I even ask how many holes are down there and they
literally don't know how many holes are down there isn't.
That crazy? And then they don't.

(01:12:02):
Even know that their clitoris even exist.
They don't even know that this is literally the only purpose of
it is for pleasure. And so you know we we in this
space is powerful women. You creating space to talk about
it like we are changing the narrative.
Right for the younger generation.
And so even even I'm older too, like I've met women that are
like, I'm so glad I met you and I'm 58 and I just had my first

(01:12:24):
orgasm and I'm like, yes, bitch,you deserve that orgasm.
I want you to keep coming, little.
You, I love it. Have you listened to Senora sex
Ed? No I haven't, but I've heard
it's on my to do. OK yeah, I'm like they've got

(01:12:46):
some really interesting episodes.
Locator radio put together Senora sex set and it's older
women like interviewing them about their sexual experience
and what they thought versus where they are now and all of
these things. It's.
Crazy. I mean, I have to.
Listen, yeah, it's multi generational.
It's. Really cool.
It's really. Cool, I love that so much.
No but I love that you work withlike postpartum moms too because

(01:13:08):
I feel like especially after having a child, so many things
change and you really aren't thesame person or you do and
especially for someone that didn't wasn't fully into
themselves. Yet.
And still trying to discover. It's like, it's crazy, but yeah,

(01:13:29):
learning pleasure all over again.
But even when you do are in a relationship and you're like,
oh, I have to communicate these things now.
Like it's so scary because you grew, you know, I think a lot of
us, especially coming from the 2000s, you grew up with the
media, like how to pleasure a man, how to, you know, make him

(01:13:50):
come do all these things. And then also even with, like,
porn, you know, you see all these perfect vulvas and, you
know, and I think that's why a lot of, you know, people with
uteruses or vulvas are afraid tolook down there because it's
like, it doesn't look like that.Yeah, you know, it doesn't look
like that. So there must be something.
Not a hairless, tight chicken. Yeah, girl, tell me that doesn't

(01:14:15):
look at boiled chicken. Tell me they don't look like
boiled chickens. But you know, it's just like,
and, and again, it's setting that expectation to men too,
that things are supposed to looka certain way.
And if they don't look that way,oh, they're damaged.
They're not. Good.
They're talking about this, about how often we notice that

(01:14:35):
our girlfriends, even the ones that aren't on the rainbow Mafia
scale, do watch more lesbian porn. 100% because.
You watch Guy Girl no porn and you're like, no, it's not right.
First of all, we should every second.
Yeah, we should only be watchingporn that is directed by

(01:14:57):
feminist directors. My curious as as straight women
and if you need like help with finding that, especially because
like Texas, we have some like. Laws.
Oh God, that's a whole different.
Yeah. But yeah, because regular
everyday porn, right is, is directed by a a guarantee you
sis head man. That's like it's only for the
male days, right? And that's why I I talk to women

(01:15:19):
all the time, feminist porn and or straight women being more
attuned to gay porn as well, because there's more of this
sensuality piece. Again, because.
There can't. You can't fake guy on guy
attraction like that, right? The same, I mean, and the same
thing is the girl and girl. They might not be attracted in

(01:15:39):
that regard, but the pleasure that they so feel at the
forefront is so genuine. So it does take it it there's
certain level of honesty that isinvolved in queer sex,
regardless of what kind it is that you just don't get with
heterosexual sex. It's very performative, which

(01:16:01):
just goes along with everything else and in every other aspect
of your head life, you're already being so performative.
So in the bedroom too, girl, we're not.
We are. Not being performative in the
no. Like it's and it's so sad
because as women we grew up seeing like, oh, this is you
start and end with a blue job. You It's always about their

(01:16:21):
pressure. It's always about and then guys
go on real dates with women and then they wonder why they're
like these feminists aren't doing anything.
It's because that's that was never that was never realistic.
It was always a give and take. It should have always been a
nice and but we've lost we've lost the recipe.
We've lost the recipe. And I do think so much of our

(01:16:44):
socio standings really affected because we've because we don't
talk about porn because it's taboo, then we let what I would
say be the more unhinged, for lack of a better word, we let
the more unhinged because it's not it's not something that's I

(01:17:05):
don't want to say regulated, butbecause it's not something
that's common or talked about, then it's a place where
depravity in its worst form can't expand.
And we kind of like we talked about this on different podcast
episodes. So you only get the worst of the
worst instead of and you're for you page.
You always see someone in getting essayed and you're like,

(01:17:28):
I just wanted to have a good time.
How did it? Why am I getting?
Trigger warning. Like what?
What's happening, You know, So if we were to be able to talk
about our pleasure more in decenter, just the male gaze
right there, then it could be a better experience all around for

(01:17:50):
everyone, because now we're all experiencing different types of
pleasure, right? Right.
But they're playing themselves. They're not opening themselves
up. Yeah.
So yeah. Yeah.
Here we are. Another episode.
Another episode we'll have to. Do struggling with sensuality
like Part 2? Yeah, for sure.
I literally earlier when we werelike, I have to put a pin in

(01:18:13):
that I wrote down because we have done an episode of
sensuality and it will sell Season 4, come back.
We'll be revisiting Season 1, this time with guests that
actually know what the fuck they're talking about.
Just our opinions. Not just our honors opinions
very biased. It's fine.
But yeah, generally going back and Revis in the centrality

(01:18:33):
because we did talk about the sounds and how just being able
to allow yourself to experience different levels of joy in a
sensual way that didn't have to be inherently.
Sexual. Yeah, and how that allows you to
tap into more sexual energy from100%.
They're not related, but they are.

(01:18:53):
Yeah, they're really tied. Together, they're not the same
thing, but they are intrinsically.
Tied together so they complementeach other so they do,
absolutely. Really quickly, though, before
we kind of like move on entirelyout of this, you had brought up
a Vogue article to us that was really funny.
And I like, we wanted a touch about it and talk about it, not
talk about it, girl. Well, now that we're talking

(01:19:14):
about touch, I like what wanted to touch about it and get your
thoughts on it. Yeah.
The boyfriend one. Yes, yeah.
Why boyfriend? It's embarrassing and cringe to
have a man tell us about it. You know, one, I just love that
it like gained the traction thatit did right.
And again, going back to our first thing about like how
technology, we do feel like it'skind of infringing on dating and

(01:19:37):
taking away but also the power of technology of how quick this
circulated. But I think it's just where we
are at right now as being badasswomen in society, prioritizing
what we need, decentering men. And however that's showing up
for someone, maybe they're only decentering halfway.
Maybe they're doing the whole thing right, but we're seeing it

(01:19:58):
in research coming out like women are homeowners, single
homeowners at faster rates than men are.
We are more educated across likeall levels, right?
We're all probably going to therapy way faster rates than
men. And so there is this whole like.
Men and we're kind of talking about early or earlier men

(01:20:20):
feeling like left behind in thissense, right but again, women we
didn't have any extra steps ahead like the men were right
there with us exactly we. Do from going in there, Yeah.
We. Just made different decisions.
We just made we. Just both made different
decisions so like who's keeping you from making the same
choices? I am that part and and knowing
that she's we're still not getting paid per the dollar of a

(01:20:43):
white man right now anyway. OK, different so, but I just
love because this article just so beautifully was like now
we're women have evolved right, like we are fighting still for
our rights every damn day, whether it's federal or it's
state, OK, girl, and even in that fight, we're still
succeeding. OK, and I think it's because of
literally communities just like this where women we can come, we

(01:21:05):
can sit on one spot together, wecan share positive energy where
it's it's authentic. I know if y'all hit me up
tomorrow, I got you. What do you need?
What vibrator? Anything but like low key,
right? Because women right now, like we
are realizing again, going back to the self worth of like, I
don't feel empty because I have so much love surrounding me.

(01:21:28):
I pour into intentional communities that I know I can
pick up a phone and say, hey, today's a hard day.
And then I hear, what do you need?
Do we need to do coffee? Do we do I just need you to come
over? Do I just need you to be with me
in silence? And I just need your energy with
me, right? You know what?
That's the whole episode right there.
Girlfriend. Fine.

(01:21:49):
Community. Fine community.
Because and that's and so like we are realizing, I think for
the first time in our generationof of lineage, right, of
rewriting this narrative that wedon't necessarily like, we don't
feel fulfillment. And like you were saying, like,
what is she happy? Like, was your mom happy?
Probably not. Like, did she deserve so much

(01:22:10):
more? Absolutely.
But we have rewritten that for ourselves.
Like we're not waiting till 60 to figure it out.
We figured it out now. And if men are going to be a
part of our life, it's because they're they're complimenting
it. They are adding to it, right.
And it's that piece is at the forefront.
You're not disrupting it. Yeah, you're using your eyes.

(01:22:31):
No, I'm just kidding. You know what I mean?
Right. But then like so now it's like
you're in these spaces where it's like 8 powerful women and
then like the ninth woman walks up and you're like, why is your
boyfriend here? Like that is, what is that like?
What? Why'd you bring up?
I even I've seen gay men online be like, why would I bring a man

(01:22:54):
into this apartment? Have you seen my home?
I think I've seen that one, yeah.
It's crusty socks, like next to my lamp.
What am I like? But that's that's where I could
just think we're at like, again,it was I think this this the
author, right wrote it as like from the heart, from probably
current, you know, just everything.

(01:23:15):
She's even succeeded. And again, the intentional
community she's built around herwhere she feels so much genuine
love from her home girl. She's like, I'm not in a love
deficit. Oh yeah.
I don't know what that feels like.
Deficit with love that doesn't exist for.
Me, and that's something that weneed to normalize is like the
the platonic love that we can have with our community because

(01:23:36):
it's like, why would I settle? And I'm saying this as if I was
a single person, why would I settle for a crusty date when I
can have the most romantic date with my?
Friends. Exactly.
Or myself or Yeah. With yourself, yeah.
I'm not even gonna lie. I've I've had this conversation
with NOLA before because I mean,I I am Polly, but I'm I'm in a

(01:23:57):
monogamous relationship with my husband and I don't ever feel
like I'm missing out of anythingbecause I have such rich
relationships with my friends. Right, right.
So I don't ever feel well, I mean, first of all, I'm pan so
like it, you know, so like it's not like an necessarily has to
be made. But besides, besides that, it's,
it's still like, it's like no matter what my my lifelong

(01:24:22):
partners, Yep, my besties, my they fill me and they, these
women buy me flowers. Yes, they they buy me dinner.
Whenever something good happens,they call me, they ask me about
my, my interviews, they cheer meon, they send me dinner.
Why the fuck would I? I've got a good man at home,

(01:24:42):
Savannah, that's a good man. And I got besties that are
right. Where the fuck would I willingly
put my even as a Poly person, right?
Put myself out back there in thedating stage when I got these
bitches keeping me happy. I'm good, I'm good.
Like is, is that even like? Looking at your partner and even
when we get into like disagreements or something,

(01:25:04):
you're just like, yeah, you know, but then you're like, he's
a good man, so there's a good man There's nothing.
But that's also like, I want to give flowers to the men that are
good men. Yeah.
You are showing up. You are you perfect?
No. Are any of us perfect?
No. Right.
But like, you take accountability.
You use your eyes, you ask questions, You you align your

(01:25:27):
words with your actions. You take responsibility the way
that your partner would. Like you show up for them and is
a relationship 5050? Hell no.
Like what? No, it's always someone's able
to pull a little bit more because it's, you know, their
partner's life is going through such and such and then it goes
the other way, right? They can shift within the hour
and there are men within the daywithin the.

(01:25:48):
Exactly and there are men like Ilove my father and I, I praise
him as much as I can, but that man has taught me so much that I
don't want in a man and there are things that I will not
accept, I will not tolerate. It is a firm boundary and that
maybe it goes back to boundarieswith dating.
Do a quick do a quick analysis of your parents.

(01:26:09):
You know what? I.
Think some of us don't realize until we take a look at our
parents. Just because he loves you does
not mean he respects. You girl, say you louder.
Yes, 100. Percent and and and I was I was
crying about this in my last wine and wine depending on when
this airs maybe to wind them wines, but but that is a lesson
I learned from father. He loves me very deeply, very,

(01:26:31):
very deeply. That man will never respect me.
He was never going to respect meas much as he wants to as much
as he wishes he did as much as he thinks he does.
He does not respect me as a human being.
And if your partner loves you but cannot fucking respect you?
There you go. Right.
That sounded real, literally. Yes, yes.
Thank you for sharing that with us because that's that's 100.

(01:26:54):
Percent you always deserve better.
Always, always, yeah. And.
Got one life like. Listen, and if my man's not like
my dad, you know, very, very much as small as a man, but
like, and if it's snowing out, my mom doesn't know what it
means to walk in a parking lot because she gets dropped off at
the door. She doesn't open doors.
Yeah. You know, like those are the

(01:27:15):
little things that I pee from it.
Like one of my things on my my dating profile back in the day
used to be like, hit me up. And that's not the thing.
The things like take me on a date if or something, lash me
out on a date or whatever the. Wrong.
Yeah, and I literally said if you know the rule for walking on
a street with a woman, because my dad would be damned if you

(01:27:36):
ever caught him not walking in on the side of traffic because
he's taking the hit. If anything happens, he's going
to try to protect any, any female bodies next to him.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't know you.
He's that is like how his masculinity shows up for him,
right? And I remember just like taking
these little notes, tidbits, putting them in my little like

(01:27:56):
that's what I want. Those are the things that he has
showed me. Like that's the bare minimum.
Masculinity is not needing to protect it's.
One team 2 exactly it's. One to provide.
It's not needing to provide. Yes, it's one team to be there.
Yeah. One team to be able to serve it.
Exactly. Likewise of femininity.
It's not inherently taking care of your partner.
Nope, it's one team to be different.

(01:28:18):
Exactly, exactly. I love that.
Girl, we're just hi, hi, hi for your next week engagement.
Oh my God. OK, well what is some for the
girl? He said do you want a date?
Yeah, for the girl, he said do you want a date?
But they want to make sure that they are not losing the plot

(01:28:40):
along the way. What are some pleasure things
that you would have them focus on as they are dating?
We've talked about what the single girlies that don't want
to can do. The girlies that want a date but
want to keep themselves first and foremost.
A sparse pleasure goes so that they don't just go home with any
old crusty guy and saying it wasokay and accept it.
What would you say to them? That's so good.

(01:29:03):
I'm kind of like laughing at this because I'm like if we want
to say like P&Q's. I'm like give me your product
recommendations like I want. To say P's and Q's and make sure
we're like, that man deserves your experience.
Yes, great sexual energy. Yeah.
I'm like, I'm gonna need you to masturbate before you go out on
the date. Period.
Period. So then expand.
Tell me more. But one, you're feeling good,

(01:29:26):
OK, Because the dopamine, the serotonin, it's it's vibing,
it's doing what it's supposed todo.
You're really hot and ready. You're like.
Yeah, You're feeling confident, hopefully, right.
A little bit at ease too, right?Like, I needed that.
Thank you. But then there's like, even if
he does something that like, turns you on, it's like I'm
already I'm good because I took care of me.

(01:29:46):
And maybe, maybe you're able to hold out for one more.
Day. Oh my God, it's like going
grocery shopping when you're hungry.
Not that there's like this expectation, right, of how many
days you have to wait. Yeah.
But if you know you're a girly that can make a quick decision
and you're like, you know what? I'm gonna do things different
this time. Listen, if you you want to have
sex on the first date, that's anentirely different thing than
getting swayed to be open. Have something hard, you feel

(01:30:09):
me? So if you know you've gotten
swayed in the past or you can easily be in bamboozled and to
get into bed because some of us just fall, then, you know, do
that and then you don't have to like but then, oh, go.
Ahead. No, I was gonna say, you know,
it's so funny that you said thatbecause I have told some of my
besties like don't call him masturbate first, thank you and

(01:30:31):
masturbate 1st and then yes, I was like, then determine if you
actually want. To call if the post nut clarity
still yes I want to talk not like then you get it so good
then call 100% but otherwise says wait, wait 5 to 10 business
minutes. Please, please, please.

(01:30:51):
But no, I honestly will say thatmy answer I think still applies.
Yeah, because of what we were going back to about like we
could do a whole episode on shitty sex education and be
literally. Born.
Well born. In different areas of right,
this this country and like same relative experience, right?
And so I know if you came from asimilar sex education background

(01:31:15):
from like us girlies, consent was not prioritized.
Healthy relationships wasn't pleasure wasn't right.
And so I still stay true to like, what is your definition of
pleasure? Because even again, I talked to
women in their 30s, forties, fifties, 60s that have not
experienced an orgasm. And I'll ask them, tell me your

(01:31:35):
definition of pleasure, right? But it's like this day.
For them I do right but like. Also not their fault like even
growing up in that generation. I mean, I I act like I'm
shocked, but it took me so long to be able to I thought I I
thought I had it took me so longto be able to finally experience
that and allow myself right, allow myself to experience that.

(01:31:56):
That was a whole different. So I get it.
I mean it's embarrassing. It takes a while.
I think too like also weed discount.
I'm like a Taurus 1, so like food.
I don't play around food, OK? I don't share my food.
I don't offer my food, especially if I like it.
You saw me smashing those pretzels earlier.
Yeah, Immediate. Immediate.
OK. My other thing is I feel like we

(01:32:16):
don't appreciate the connection with food and how much pleasure
food can provide us. And so like, if that speaks to
you, right, like re examining how food shows up in your life.
That way you can then like when he asks you because he's a
respectful man reaching out to you and being like, what type of
food should I stay away from or that you thoroughly enjoy.

(01:32:39):
You feel like, OK, one, this manis asking me questions and two,
you can confidently tell him what you want.
Yeah, again, it goes back to youfinding your voice.
Right throat chakra vibrant. And it kind of I'm like, you can
kind of set yourself up for the night that you want to have them
because then no, if you want to have a sexy night, you know what
kind of thing you like to eat ahead of time for that that
doesn't interrupt with the TomTom that makes you feel

(01:33:01):
great. You know that's.
Not really. Bloated.
That's on. IBS girls, I was gonna.
Say no. It's like it's giving.
What was the interview of the two cholos from TikTok?
The boy. Oh yeah.
Then they were like, who's the. I hate when people ask who's the
guy and the girl and it's like, really?
It depends. Who has had more to eat that day
like. Whoever is not having digestion

(01:33:24):
issues is whoever is stopping that day or bottoming that day
because let me just tell you all.
Right, well with all the noise in the world, it is so important
for our mental health that we find those jewels that sprinkle
some joy into our lives. Doctora, what is your sprinkle
of joy? This.
Week. Oh, my sprinkle of joy this

(01:33:45):
week. I think definitely taking a
moment for the space that I was living in because that's the
first apartment that I moved into when I moved to Dallas.
Ohh. Philly, Yeah.
So I this is. Big.
Yeah, that's a big. Change, change.
So I was like, wow, I was in this space for six years and
like, this was like a home that protected me for six years.

(01:34:08):
And yeah, so I've been doing like some really intentional
like Limpias around just to likebless it for the next person
coming. And I just hope she gives the
same energy for the next person as well.
So yeah, that's definitely my moment of gratitude of like, cuz
we like our spaces become like literally our homes, right?
And I intentionally love to fillmine with so much love.
And so I hope the next person feels that.

(01:34:30):
I'm sure. Yeah.
That's so nice. I know I was thinking I'm like I
want to like hide a note somewhere.
I'm like they find it my. God, so cute.
I love it. I live, I live.
I live, I live. What about you?
OK, my moment of gratitude this week was actually, this is super
random, but I got a piece of glass in my foot and I ended up,

(01:34:53):
I was trying to get it out. I was like soaking my foot in a
tub in my bedroom. And my husband gets home from
work and he's like, what's wrong?
And I'm like, I got glass. And he started trying to tell me
that he's going to take a look at it.
And I'm like, like, please. I just, it hurts so badly.
Like I, I don't want anyone to touch it.

(01:35:13):
Like only touch it if you're 100% certain.
He was calm the entire time he was talking to me about it.
And I grew up in a household where if you felt pain, no, you
didn't. It's who's my tough girl, You've
got this, it's OK, you're fine, You're fine.

(01:35:34):
And that was the comforting, right?
And so very much like just neverallowed to cry because it made
my parents feel uncomfortable and they didn't know how to deal
with my tears. And so Fuller starts messing
with it. And I, I mean, I started like
crying, but I feel so comfortable with Fuller and I

(01:35:58):
feel so comfortable. Like, I was like, OK, like,
let's do this. He, he starts looking at it and
he's like, I think I can get it.And I through tears as he's like
reaching for it. He touches it.
And I'm like, no, no, no. Like it hurts as you touch it.
And I'm like, OK, OK. Just just, you know, like, OK.
I'm, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna breathe in.
I'm gonna breathe out. And then I'm gonna breathe back
in again. And then when I breathe back in.
And then you're gonna do it, OK.And he's like, yeah, OK,

(01:36:22):
absolutely not getting annoyed, not getting frustrated with me,
just, yeah, that sounds good. And I did it once.
And he wasn't sure that that's how it was done.
He was like, oh, was that was that it?
And I was like, yeah, just like that.
He was like, OK, let's do it onemore time.
And I'm like, OK, because after I did it and I held it and he
didn't pull. I thought that he was going to
end up pulling randomly, but he instead made sure that that had

(01:36:43):
been in that that wasn't, he waslike, OK, let's do it again.
And so and every time thereafter, he we weren't
necessarily verbally communicating, but it was
clearly he was waiting for me totake another deep breath in and
hold it before he even messed with it again.
And when I said I can't anymore,instead of getting frustrated
and saying like, well, Chris, we've got to get this fucking
piece out. He's like, that's fine.

(01:37:05):
We can soak it again tomorrow. We'll do everything.
He's like, I'm sorry. And I was like.
I want some ice cream. He's like, I'll get you some ice
cream, you know, like, and I wasliterally like, I cried
genuinely like a child. It, it was so nice.
Yeah, it was the worst moment because it hurts so fucking bad.

(01:37:25):
But it was so nice to be able toallow myself to just feel my
pain and actually feel like somebody gave enough shits about
my pain to let me feel it and tobe there regardless, you know?
And so I just, I, I'm grateful for him.

(01:37:46):
Whatever. He's great.
Whatever. These guys on a good part.
And that's not a great part. And me like a Cancer moon
showing back up. And that's all I have to say
about that. Now look.
I mean, honestly, after the weekI had, it's just honestly just
surviving. It felt to be honest, it's just

(01:38:08):
surviving it. I mean, enjoying the little
moments and trying to find gratitude.
He's just, you know, with moments with my husband to
soothe me after those long anxiety driven days.
And we recently watched Frankenstein.

(01:38:30):
That's so good. Oh.
God honestly so good if he doesn't win awards for it.
I'm writing because. It's the table.
Right. No, it's honestly, genuinely so
good. And I think it touches a lot of
topics on like just humanity andvulnerability.
Yeah, well, Guillermo they thought of said that he made a
Mexican telenovela like that wasit's it's it's honestly

(01:38:53):
beautiful. Like, because I didn't, I didn't
know what to expect of it, to behonest.
Just because I haven't watched as many Guillermo films.
Yeah. But I, I do.
I've always got that sense that it's it's very intentional.
Obviously very dark. Yeah, very dark, but very
intentional. And I think the message was very

(01:39:13):
clear. And it's just so beautiful, to
be honest. Like there was just moments
where I just like grab my husband and I was just like,
what am I crying? Like, because I am a very
sensitive, like, I'm very empathetic when I watch movies.
And that's why I stay away from certain movies because I know,
like, I get that emotion. Yeah.

(01:39:33):
You have no business watching Marley and me.
Oh, absolutely not. I refrain watching any movies
with like, dogs or I know. Yeah.
I will not rewatch out. I will not.
There are certain movies I will not rewatch because I already
know how I feel. And I was just like, I'm not
going to revisit that. But I don't care that the rest
of the movie is happy. The beginning makes me cry to no
end and I will not watch that woman die.

(01:39:54):
Will not do it. So just like being able to enjoy
the film and then yeah, just like unexpectedly being like, I
didn't expect that to get me theway it did, but it did.
No, it was beautiful. I highly recommend if you have
not watched it, haven't. So definitely you guys should
watch it. But yeah, those, that's my

(01:40:14):
little sprinkle of joy for the week.
It's just surviving and having anice little movie date with my
hubby. I love that.
No, I was trying to watch back in high school, I think the
Labyrinth with David Bowie and Iaccidentally ended up putting on
Pam's Labyrinth, which is a Guillermo del Toro film.

(01:40:35):
And within like 5 minutes someone gets a machete to the
head and I was like, no more Guillermo del Toro for me.
And so I definitely, I'm like, because he does highlight a lot
of the cruelties of humanity in his films.
And I'm such a soft little empathetic baby.

(01:40:58):
It hurts. I already, I'm already aware of
the horrors of this world. I live them every day.
I just I don't want. The horse.
But we do too. But we do too, and they can
persist over there. So I will if with your
recommendation, then I will watch the movie because if Nola
survived it, I might too. You I might too.

(01:41:20):
And you will. Y'all, thank you so much for
joining us today and a huge thank you to Doctor Jessica
Sanchez for joining us. Thank you so much for the
invite. I appreciate you both so much.
Thank you. Doctor Sanchez, could you tell
our listeners where they can connect with you?
Yes, absolutely. So I'm on Instagram at Latina

(01:41:41):
sexologist and then my website is www.doctorjsanchez.com Nailed
it. I was like, what was it?
So yeah, those two maybe TikTok in the future, we'll see I.
Don't know. Yeah, we'll see, you know.
You're in no rush. Yes, yes, I'm always a fan of do
less food dinner, you know. Yeah.

(01:42:01):
But I felt, well, what are y'allthoughts on today's combo?
How are you coping with modern dating?
Do you have any questions for Doctor Sanchez?
Your thoughts, questions, tips with us on Patreon, Instagram,
or YouTube? Patreon subscribers and not only
get an exclusive chat to Yap with us about this episode, but
they also receive exclusive early access to the video

(01:42:24):
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(01:42:45):
perks like BTS blog posts and anopportunity to submit questions
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Handles can be found in the episode description. 30 Flirty
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(01:43:07):
Your engagement means the world to us and makes a huge
difference on the success of theshow.
Just remember to be kind, because we're sunset.
We can't wait to connect with you.
See you next episode. You said something about her
being expensive. He's like oh trust me she's

(01:43:27):
expensive and I'm like you clearly provide nothing else in
this relationship. Shut the fuck up and spend money
on her. Like please God almighty.

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