April 8, 2025 • 47 mins
Marriage conflict – it's the reality every couple faces, but few know how to navigate effectively. In this candid conversation, we pull back the curtain on one of the most requested topics from our listeners: how to handle disagreements in marriage with biblical wisdom.
What truly lies at the heart of marital discord? The scripture points clearly to selfishness and pride as the root causes of conflict. We share a personal story about a recent disagreement that could have festered but was quickly resolved through a simple act of humility. This perfectly illustrates how "keeping short accounts" prevents bitterness from taking root and damaging your relationship over time.
The biblical principles we explore provide practical guidance for any marriage. From speaking truth in love (without weaponizing correctness) to offering a soft answer that turns away wrath, these timeless truths transform how couples communicate. We discuss real-world applications like asking questions to understand your spouse's perspective, praying before confrontation, and seeking unity rather than victory.
For couples navigating more complex issues, we offer wisdom on when and how to seek godly counsel – with an important warning about the difference between finding someone who validates your position versus someone who helps you discover biblical truth. Throughout the episode, we emphasize that while you can't change your spouse, your response dramatically influences the outcome of any conflict.
Whether you're in a season of harmony or struggling through difficult conversations, these biblical approaches to conflict resolution create the peaceful, loving home every family desires. Join us for this honest, scripture-based discussion that will equip you with practical tools to strengthen your marriage through even the most challenging disagreements.
Scripture:
Ephesians 4:31 - "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
James 4:1 - "From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?"
Proverbs 13:10 - "Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - "Charity sufferers long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up..."
Ephesians 4:15 - "But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ."
Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turners away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
Ephesians 4:26-27 - "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil."
Colossians 3:13 - "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."
Philippians 4:6-7 - "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."
James 1:19 - "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."
Mark 10:8-9 - "And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but on flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Proverbs 11:14 - "Where no counsel is, the people fall" but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety."
Let's connect!
Website: This Devoted Life
Instagram: Devoted Motherhood & This Devoted Life Podcast
Email: podcast@thisdevotedlife.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What started as a Saturday morning coffee date
turned into a podcast where wechat about things like faith,
family finances and so much more.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
In a world that is encouraging you to live your
truth and to follow your heart.
We want to encourage you tolive devoted to the truth.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
The Bible has a lot to say about how to live a
victorious Christian life, andwe want to share practical
insight in how to apply thosetruths to your life, as we
endeavor to apply them to ourown lives as well.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
If you enjoy this podcast, please leave us a
review and share these episodeswith your friends so that you
can help them live this devotedlife too.
Welcome to another episode ofthis Devoted Life podcast.
So a few weeks ago, I sent outa message on Instagram and asked
the community members therewhat topics they would like for
us to talk about on the podcast,and, overwhelmingly, the
(00:53):
response that I got was conflictand merit.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Ah, that's tough because we've never had any
conflict.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Never, at least for a solid hour At least.
Yes, yeah, so anyways, wethought we would try to tackle
this topic.
We obviously don't have itquite all figured out, but I
think we have a pretty goodmarriage and are decent at
resolving conflict.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yeah, I like to think so.
We're still married.
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
That's just the real part of this right.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Absolutely.
Yeah, and I think that's kindof part of this.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
It's the real raw conversations that we have,
which is probably why it's beingrequested is because this is
something that is very prevalentwithin marriage.
But I mean, that's what happenswhen you have two people who
are living so closely together,who are having to do things
together but have differingopinions on things, and yeah,
yeah, I think honestly a lot oftimes the closer you are to
(01:44):
someone, the more conflict thatyou're apt to have, right, I
mean, if you, what do?
Speaker 1 (01:50):
they say that familiarity breeds contempt, and
it does happen, right?
I mean, as we go through ourlives, we learn about more about
each other.
There's some baggage there,there's all kinds of things, and
if you want to be manipulativeor whatever, I mean, you can
actually bring up things fromthe past that are just those
(02:13):
daggers.
You know when, the wrong timeor the right time whatever you
want to look at it.
You can bring those things upand it can be very, very
damaging to a marriage.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Absolutely, and I think the one thing that you're
going to find in this episodethat we're going to bring it
back to a lot is thatunfortunately, you can't change
your spouse, so this is going tobe a lot about how you
personally respond in anargument.
Absolutely Because that doesaffect how your spouse will
respond as well.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
No question, yeah, yeah, as we go through life, we
really only can controlourselves, and sometimes it's
tough to do that right, but atleast, like you said, you can't
control other people.
You can influence them, you cantry to win them, you can try to
do things that make it easierfor them to change, but again,
(03:01):
it's all about what you can door can't do.
That influences the peoplearound you.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Yeah, so when we were thinking about this episode and
just how we wanted to go abouttalking about this, the thing
that I think we should startwith is what is the root cause
of most arguments?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
right.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
And there were a couple of verses that came to
mind on this.
For me, james 4.1 says Fromwhence come wars and fighting
among you?
Come they not?
Hence even of your lust, thatwar in your members.
So what is that saying?
It's basically saying that it'scoming from what you want.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
It's your selfish desires, right?
Yes, yeah, I mean, selflessnessprevents so much and
selfishness really contributesto that conflict and causes the
conflict and really is, like yousaid, that root, that root
cause.
If you were doing a root causeinvestigation of what's going on
(03:54):
here, yeah, selfishness iswhere it's at.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
And it's not saying like let yourself be bowled over
you know, because we I mean,yes, there is the love and the
respect in marriage that theBible talks about a lot, but you
also don't have to just likelay down and let your spouse
just bowl over you either,because we're going to talk
about some specific biblicalprinciples that can help you in
your response to your spouse,and one of them is speaking the
truth in love.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Because you can be right on something, but it is
how you are talking to yourspouse that may or may not get
his hackles up, or you know,yeah, yeah, I mean honestly,
there is a lot of power in goingthrough these situations and
making a difference.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Right, like you said, it's not just, you know,
rolling over and playing deadand you know, just letting your
spouse, in this case, just getthe best of you.
It's letting your spouse inthis case, just get the best of
you.
It's, and it's not also a winor lose situation, because then
really you both lose.
You know, I mean no one'swinning right, you know if you
win an argument.
(04:54):
Really no one's winning in amarriage, especially.
So don't look at it.
As you know again, there's somany different contexts, you
know, I mean different contextsthat it's kind of hard to speak
into every single situation.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yes, when it comes to conflict, the variables, are
infinite on this.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So you know, if you bookend this, there is the.
I need to call the police orcall an authority because
something bad is happening orabout to happen, right in
authority because something badis happening or about to happen
right.
And then there is the you know,smallest, really just tiny
issue that people blow out ofproportion.
And you know, I think whatwe're talking about mostly is
(05:37):
the in-betweens where it's apretty big deal.
I mean, it's something that youneed to discuss and that could
become a big issue, but you knowa way to get through it
together and you know it's kindof maybe it's the, you know
agree to disagree, but youaren't fighting over it.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Yeah, someone needs to put down the rope sometimes.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Proverbs 13.10 says Only by pride cometh contention,
but with the well-advised iswisdom.
So pride is really the sourceof most conflicts right.
I was thinking about that thisweek.
So you called me the other dayon the phone and you wanted to
talk about something and youwere asking my opinion on a
situation.
And as you were talking to me,I could tell that you weren't
(06:21):
really liking my response.
How could you tell?
Well, I thought that I wasgiving you know some biblical
wisdom, and just you know what Iknew from scripture and
whatever, and it wasn't like itwas not a big situation, but I
felt like we were kind ofgetting pretty tense on the
phone because I was like.
I don't think I'm wrong in this,and you were kind of getting
(06:41):
like a little like well, ifwe're going to do that, then we
should probably do this Exactly,and it was kind of turning into
one of those back and forth.
So finally we both just said youknow what, we're going to hang
up the phone.
But I got off that phone calland I was kind of like I just
feel a little icky about that.
So a few minutes later I justtexted you and I said I don't
like where we left that.
And I said are we okay?
(07:01):
You know like, do we?
Speaker 1 (07:02):
need to talk about this again Cause I just I didn't
like the feeling that I hadafter we got off the phone Cause
I was taking the kids to ballpractice so I had some time and
you knew, like basically we weredriving and you know I mean it
was just kind of like a lotgoing on, but then I was going
to have a little bit of time.
So I think you were kind ofreaching that olive branch out
to.
Hey, if you, if we need to talkmore about this now that you
have time, let's talk about it,yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Well, it was funny because after I sent you that
text message, you texted backand you said no, really, your
answer was the one that I wasalready feeling that we should
do, but I just didn't want thatanswer, and so it was as soon as
you responded in humility andyou were kind of like, yeah, you
were kind of right.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I already knew it in my heart.
I was like it's all good.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, just immediately I felt better, you
felt better and we were able tomove past it.
And so really that just kind ofshows how, as soon as that
humility was reached, it justimmediately dissipated the whole
contention that was between us.
It did, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
And I think that's part of it in marriage where,
you know, sometimes we areactually kind of already on the
same page.
So, like in this situation, Ihad kind of gone through the
whole gamut of answers in myhead and I was challenging
myself to start with it whereit's like I should probably do
that but I don't really want to,you know, and so I was.
(08:25):
I had kind of started talkingmyself out of it and I was like
you know, I better get Shanda'stake on this.
And when I called, you saidwhat, where I had started and
I'm like doggone it, you know,like I don't want to do this,
and so it was my fault.
You know what I mean me andbecause I had already thought
(08:46):
about it for you know 15 or 20minutes.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
You were wanting validation for what you wanted
to do, not necessarily what weshould do.
Yes, exactly yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
So sometimes it's as simple as.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
It was something minor, it was not a big thing.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Yeah, like a little misunderstanding, or maybe it's
too much of you're on the samepage already and I wanted some
validation of like talkingmyself out of it, right.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
So that's just, we wanted to share that because, I
mean, that's what happens inmarriage right, and so if we
would have left that root of youknow bitterness or you know
contempt or whatever in there,then the next argument and the
next one and the next one, andyou know, if you do that over
years, then that's what, that'show divorces happen, or or
(09:31):
whatever you know whatever endscenario, and so it's kind of I
guess to me the punchline ofthis is keep a short account,
like don't let those thingsfester, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Yeah, I mean, if you, if we hadn't have, you know
kind of, did that real short,quick, back and forth text, I
would have sat there andruminated on it and then by the
time you got home I probablywould have been frustrated with
you because, like I said, Ididn't think I was wrong, which
is another thing to like, causeI was trying to check my own
heart, like am I wrong in this?
And I was kind of going throughjust some biblical scripture and
(10:05):
I'm going I don't think I am, Ican't find anything to support
this and, like I said, it wassomething minor.
But yeah, had you not respondedthe way that you responded in
that text back to me, I wouldhave then been the one that was
contentious when you came homebecause I probably would have
ruminated on it for the hour youwere gone, Right right, yeah,
all right.
So let's look at some just somebiblical principles for handling
(10:27):
conflict.
I found some verses that I justkind of want to talk through
and how they can be applied todealing with conflict.
You know, and the first onethat I want to talk about is
Ephesians 4.32.
It says and be kind one toanother, tenderhearted forgiving
one another, even as God, forChrist's sake, hath forgiven you
.
That's kind of going to be ourkey verse.
(10:48):
It's one that we talk to ourkids about a lot of time,
because often they are havingconflicts, but really that
applies to marriages as well.
You know, we have to be kind, wehave to be tenderhearted and we
have to be quick to forgive.
You know, 1 Corinthians 13, 4through 7 says Charity suffereth
long and is kind.
Charity envieth not, charityvaunteth not itself and is not
(11:08):
puffed up.
Charity in the KJV is love.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Right, yeah, and those verses come up a lot in
weddings and marriage ceremonies, things like that, right, and
it's so easy to just kind of usethat as a thing to say because
it's beautiful, it's poetry,it's scripture, and then
everyone leaves for the day andno one remembers it.
(11:32):
It's like no, let's keep thatin our marriages and remember
that true love does look out forthe other person.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, I mean suffering long, you know that's
patience.
And it's just sometimes you'regoing to have an off day and I
need to show more patiencetowards you.
You know, in that day and it'skind, you know I was thinking
about this just this week Onceagain I was struggling and I
just kind of shared with youthat I had a hard night of sleep
(12:01):
because I was kind of dwellingon some things.
And you came up to me and youjust said and this was like
first thing in the morning andyou just said I'm really sorry
that you're feeling that way,and you gave me a kiss on my
forehead and just your kindnesslike melted me.
I just started crying because Iwas not expecting quite that
(12:22):
compassion and that kindness andthat response from you.
And so when you gave that to me, it just was like this weight
of relief, you know, that kindof came off my shoulders,
knowing that you wereempathizing with how I was
feeling.
So, you know, just if we'regoing to have bad days, and
sometimes that conflict can comeup because maybe your spouse is
(12:42):
going through something,because there are oftentimes
that you're going throughsomething at work that I have no
idea what's going on andsometimes that stress can come
home and it comes out in littleways or maybe you're a little
bit shorter with me or whateverand then it can build into an
argument and I don't even knowwhat we're arguing about but,
there just seems to be thistension between us.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Yeah, I'm really glad you said that because you were
making me sound really good withthe stories there.
But no, I totally agree, and Ithink I had been noticing that
you were struggling with somethings, and so I wanted to,
because, I mean just sincerely,sometimes I feel like, oh, just
(13:26):
suck it up or whatever right Iknow and sometimes I need to
hear that Sure, yeah.
But no, I had noticed that youwere just really kind of dealing
with some things and I wantedto show that support.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
And you could have been taking them personally too,
because they were coming out ina little bit of me lashing out,
right, but they weren't relatedto you, and I think that
sometimes what we have torealize is not everything is
related to us Like there can beother things that our spouse is
going through.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
I think that's a great thing to point out, and
because sometimes we are soself-consumed that we think it's
you know, and I know it mightsound odd, but it's like
everything's all about us youknow, and it's like no, like
they just had a bad day, youknow like, and they're, you know
(14:17):
like, wrongly taking it out onyou maybe, but you know you
didn't necessarily do anythingwrong or whatever, and I think
that just shows the humility andthe patience and the
selflessness, that it really.
You know, I think it's Proverbs15, 3, and I have no idea if
this is in our notes, but youknow a soft answer turneth away
wrath.
And it's that you know softanswer that really does.
Not only does it turn awaywrath, but it builds.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
And there's this like almost intimacy in a way that
you feel, yeah, we talk a lotabout just having a really good
communication within marriage,because there have been so many
times that I can see that I canfeel that there's some tension
and I feel like it's between us,and so I will just directly ask
you are you mad at me or is itsomething else?
(14:59):
And you'll be like nope, it'ssomething else, and I'm like,
okay, and then I can let it goand I can show you more grace,
because you're obviously needingit in that moment.
So communication is such a bigthing with this.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
It is Totally agree.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
All right.
Then we have Ephesians 4.15.
It says but speaking the truthin love may grow up into him in
all things, which is the headeven Christ.
We have to be very careful withour words.
Right, we have to speak thetruth in love.
There are times that you willbe right.
There will be times that I amright.
(15:33):
There are times where we arehaving a conflict, where one of
us is right on the topic.
But we can still choose how wecommunicate that we can speak
the truth in love.
And it's not coming and onceagain it's coming back to that
pride.
It's not coming from a place ofpride, it's coming from a place
of humility, coming from aplace of pride.
(15:54):
It's coming from a place ofhumility because you genuinely
want what is best for yourspouse and for your family and
for your kids.
And I think when you are ableto speak the truth in love and
in humility, your spouse is ableto recognize that and it
doesn't become this like tug ofwar between you.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, I agree, and I think this is another area to
point out that some things areworth really digging into and
vetting out.
And then there are things whereit's like pick and choose your
battles.
You know this isn't a hill todie on, so rather than just you
know, it's like that little doglike nipping at your heels you
(16:30):
know, and you know, just give itup, or you know, let's move on
or whatever, but I agree thatyou have to listen and hear the
other person out and make surethat you are you know again, I
think all of this in my mindkeeps coming back to pride,
humility, selfishness,selflessness, and that you know,
(16:53):
yes, like you said, like thereare times where you'll say
something and I don't want toadmit.
You're right about it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
you know right, it's just that that's that pride in
my heart.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
but I know you're right and I know that I need to
support you in that decision or,you know, make a change myself.
And I think that again it'sback to a few episodes ago where
I said it's simple, notnecessarily easy.
I think a lot of this is reallyquite simple.
If we, just if you envisionyourself outside of the argument
(17:28):
and outside of the marriage andyou were just in a casual
observer, what would you thinkabout you and your spouse at
that time?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Right, you know, I mean like they're acting like
little kids, right, yes, right.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
And I think that's how most arguments are.
Yeah, and if you just you know,I think sometimes you just have
to step back and maybe laughabout it, you know because they
are quite silly at times, and alot of times they aren't.
But you know, I think againit's hard to paint this.
They all add up, though they do, yes.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
The silly ones all add up.
So if you just feel like you'reconstantly arguing about even
just the stupidest stuff, whenit does come to a big argument
you're both already on edge andit just blows up into something
massive.
You know, you've talked aboutthis with me and the kids.
I always appreciate the wisdomthat you are able to give me
because I'm home with the kidsall day, so you are kind of that
outside observer for me andI'll be like man.
(18:19):
It just feels like I'm harpingon the kids all day long and
you're like well, stop harpingBecause, yes, you are probably
right almost every single time,but is that really worth
reprimanding them for in that?
Speaker 1 (18:30):
moment.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
You know, because it's probably not.
They probably feel pecked attoo, because you're just
constantly peck, peck, peck,peck, peck, even though you are
right, for the sake of unity inthe family is that really you
know, worth correcting.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah, and pick the opportunities to show them
respect so that they can seewhat feeling the feeling of
being respected is in.
Are they being little kids oris there a real issue here?
Or you know just all kinds ofthings and, like you said, when
you're consumed by it being likeor you can't escape it.
I should say, then it is hardto you know see the forest or
(19:06):
the trees through the forest youknow.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
So yeah, hopefully that makes sense.
Proverbs 15.1,.
You had already touched on this.
A soft answer turns away wrathbut grievous words stir up anger
.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Sorry, I think I said Proverbs 15.3.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Oh yeah, so there you go, fact checking me Proverbs
15.1,.
A soft answer turns away wrath,and that is just something you
know.
You are going to have conflictin marriage.
That's just the plain andsimple truth of it.
Are going to have conflict inmarriage, that's just the plain
and simple truth of it.
(19:41):
But how we choose to speak, youknow, is our choice.
Even if your spouse is notresponding in a way that they
should because we can't controlour spouse if we're responding
in gentleness, it's going topotentially change the way your
spouse is responding too.
It's kind of like, I mean, withkids.
It's like they can be just likeso ramped up and just kind of
start be yelling because they'rejust like being completely
ruled by their emotions.
But a gentle answer to themusually can just like totally
(20:06):
change the trajectory of theconversation.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Absolutely yeah.
I don't even know if there'sanything more to say on that.
It is just so true.
Yep, yep.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, ephesians 4, 26 and 27 then says be angry and
sin not.
Let not the sun go down uponyour wrath, neither give place
to the devil, and you touched onthis with keeping a short
account.
You can be angry and not sin,because we all are going to
experience emotion, and that isan emotion that was given to us
from God.
(20:35):
The problem with anger is thatusually it is rooted in our
pride, and that's where the sincomes out.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, and if it is a righteous anger where you know,
I think you know again, ifyou're in a marriage where one
you know, your spouse, is notsaved and they don't care about
their faith, or anything careabout God at all.
That's going to be tough.
I mean because you're unequallyyoked right and those are going
(21:02):
to be big challenges, and I do.
This is an example of you know.
That is a hill to die on,especially as you are trying to
raise your children in a godlyhome, in a Christian environment
, and expose them to the truth,and that's where it is going to
be tough.
I mean there is no gettingaround it.
(21:23):
If you don't have a common goal,you're not pulling in the same
direction.
There are going to bechallenges, challenges, and
there is a lot of you know goodinformation out there where
maybe I think you always need tostart in the Bible and vet out
the truth.
But maybe you should seek outyou read some, you know, secular
(21:46):
books.
Maybe look at some leadershipideas, things like that, where
you can share these ideas withthem and maybe influence them.
And obviously it has to alignwith scripture.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
But maybe they don't want to believe the Bible, but
maybe they'll believe somethingthat you share with them and
then you know, as they startwarming up to the idea, you can
actually show them where theBible says that too right, that
is a biblical principle but it'sjust in, you know, you're kind
of finding that common groundwhere you're meeting them, where
they're at, but you know thatit's a biblical principle and
(22:26):
maybe can help them see how ohhey, the Bible, you know, talks
about this after well, I cannotremember where this verse is,
but it talks about like winningyour spouse through your
conversation, and that'sliterally that soft answer and
just your righteous living canwin them to Christ, absolutely,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Consistency, all those things.
But you know, going back tobeing unequally yoked, that is
going to be a challenge.
Another thing that I use oftenat work is especially I mean now
that I'm 40 and.
I'm not leading and influencingpeople that are at least twice
your age, if not three timesyour age, and it was a challenge
(23:24):
, right?
But if you, I would askquestions, ask them questions
and get some answers from them.
And if you ask the rightquestions, again, it's not that
you're being manipulative, it'sjust you are You're helping them
to see yes and all of a sudden.
Now it's their idea and youhelped them get to that
conclusion and maybe you caninfluence that way as well.
(23:46):
So these are some differenttactics, and again, I actually
meant to bring out one ofJocko's books actually in kind
of the field manual ofleadership, because really that
is a lot of what this is, and itdoesn't matter if you're the
male or female, the husband orthe wife.
We're one and we're bothequally as important.
(24:09):
Again, the man is required tolead the home and be a spiritual
leader in the home.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
But ultimately I am to submit to your authority.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Yes, Yep, yep.
But you also compliment me andI, as the leader, love to have
you shoulder to shoulder with meand we're pulling in the same
direction and it's so much morejust, successful and effective
in our marriage, especially aswe're raising our children and
(24:42):
leading our children.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
I really like that practical advice of asking
questions, because that makesthe person that you are asking
feel validated.
It's like you want to knowtheir opinion.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
And you also are then gaining an understanding of
where they're coming from, and Ithink that that is something
that hopefully we can, you know,offer and have someone take
from this, because I know thatwhen you ask me questions like,
okay, well, why do you feel likethat?
Or what do you think is theright answer to this and why do
you think that helps me feelheard and will make me respond
(25:17):
in a totally different way toyou?
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
And sometimes I like literally, I'll have it decided
right.
You know, I mean, it's clear inmy head and we'll go through
this, not exercise, but this,you know, conversation and all
of a sudden I'm like, oh man,like I man, like I guess I
didn't think about it, Like yougive me an answer and so again,
it's not like I'm like corneringyou, or angling you know, to
(25:41):
you know, get my way, it's moreit genuinely.
When you do it genuinely again,I, you know, sometimes I'll do
it totally with the thought thatI have this answer and I just
want you on board, and then I'mlike oh well, I just learned
something new or you know, likeyeah I, maybe we won't do that
this time.
But, you know, that's a greatidea or whatever, yeah so again,
(26:04):
it's collaborative.
If you can turn it into acollaborative thing and you know
again, as you're growing closerto God, you grow closer to each
other and keep your eyes, youknow, heavenly focused but also
establish the relation and growthe relationship between the two
of you, then it's really aperfect triangle.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Yeah, I want to go back to you talking about the
unequally yoked marriages whereone of the spouses is a
nonbeliever.
I was talking with a friend andshe is in a relationship like
this and I loved how she handledthis situation because she has
concerns about her children andshe wants to see her spouse
(26:47):
saved, but I love how she's beenresponding to him.
So I'm using just a verypractical you know this real
world illustration of this,because she didn't place on him
expectations of him to act likea believer.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Because she knew he's not a believer, he doesn't
believe this, so she doesn'texpect him to act like one.
And then the other thing thatshe's been doing is she's just
living out her faith genuinely.
Her kids see her reading herBible.
They see her going to church.
She takes them to church becauseher husband, thankfully, is
okay with her taking them tochurch, she takes them to church
, she reads the Bible with them,she prays with them and she
(27:23):
said I'm starting to see fruitof that.
She said my kids see me readingmy Bible and I find them with
their Bibles in their roomreading.
Or the other day, you know, wewere going through like a hard
thing with a friend and my sonwas like let's pray for my
friend right now, Totallyunprompted, but that was because
she has been laying thisgenuine faith and this genuine
(27:44):
foundation.
So, even though her spouse isnot on board with this because
of her conversation, he, youknow, is good with her taking
the kids to church and she'sstill able to see fruit in her
children because of the faiththat she's displaying.
For them.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
That's a wonderful mindset and really just that
consistent living, consistentgodliness.
And I mean, think about it.
It's hard enough when you wantto do it and have the support
group around you.
Right, Think about when peopleare resisting and resisting and
resisting, even within yourhouse.
(28:21):
I commend that.
I think honestly that those arethe even stronger believers
than a lot of us, who have agreat godly marriage and try to
please the Lord and again arefar from perfect, but yeah,
that's awesome.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
And it just kind of goes to show that when you are
living out your faith andactually responding in a godly
manner, it does influence yourspouse and they still have a
good marriage.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Absolutely yeah, and why wouldn't they want?
You know someone who you knowloves them and appreciates them
and is really kind of taking alot of that load?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
I guess we'll move on to the last verse that I have
for this kind of section, andit's Colossians 3.13.
It says Forbearing one anotherand forgiving one another.
If any man have a quarrelagainst any, even as Christ
forgave you, so also do ye.
Yeah, you are going to havefights and you're going to do
stuff that you shouldn't say andyou probably shouldn't have
done and you're going toprobably have a regret.
(29:20):
Forgive one another.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Yes, absolutely, and we have the ultimate example of
that love and that forgiveness,and yeah, I think that we can
just always know that this iswhat we ought to do and swallow
that pride and just move on.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
It does really come back to pride, because
forgiveness takes humility.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Yeah, yep, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
So here's some practical steps for resolving
conflict, because once again weare going to all have conflict
in marriage.
Philippians 4, 6 through 7 saysbe careful for nothing, but in
everything, by prayer andsupplication, with thanksgiving,
let your requests be made knownunto God.
Pray before you speak.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
You know, even just other things in life I sometimes
I'll find myself, you know, goround and round and round and
round and round in my head andI'm like, have I?
Prayed about this yet and I'mlike, oh man.
And so then I'm kind ofembarrassed that.
I haven't, but absolutely whenyou're going into these
conversations and you know, it'sgoing to be tense and you know
that you can kind of cut thetension with a knife.
(30:34):
That's a great place to start.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Talk to God first.
Lord, lead me by the Spiritright now, because fleshly, this
is not what I want to happenright now.
So starting there and askingthe Holy Spirit to guide your
words is a huge place to startand it needs to be the place to
start, especially if you knowthat it is, you know, a big
conflict that you're going to begoing into.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
So next time you come up to me and you'd be like,
babe, we need to pray.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
I'm going to be like oh no, here we go.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I already prayed about this, Are you?
Have you prayed?
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Oh, actually Trina just mentioned that in Sunday
school the other day she saidsomeone came up and and I can't
remember who she said, butbasically is they asked.
I can't remember the exactphrase, but basically is are you
prayed up?
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Like, are you geared up for today?
And it just that makes mechuckle.
Yeah, great question, yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
All right.
James 1, 19 says wherefore, mybeloved brethren, let every man
be swift to hear slow to speakslow to wrath.
So we need to be willing tolisten before we respond, and
that I think you saying like askthe questions.
Yes, that is part of this.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Yeah, and again, I can't stress enough how much you
learn by listening, becausesometimes you just genuinely get
a tidbit of information thatyou didn't have.
And then also sometimes you canfind out where that person is
coming from and if you can justunderstand their mindset, a lot
(32:04):
of times it can help you maybeframe your words in a better way
to help with that understanding.
Because again, I don't know howto say it and it's almost like
you just have to feel it or seeit in the moment.
But sometimes you have to hearwhat they're not saying, even
(32:26):
when they're answering yourquestions.
It's like what is going on intheir mind.
What is the basis of thisfrustration?
What is causing thismiscommunication?
or this misunderstanding, or youknow again the frustration, and
just again that listeningmatters so much and it's so easy
(32:47):
to just talk, talk, talk, talk,talk you know, that I can talk
for hours about the silliestthings, but if you just stop and
listen, it can help so much.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Yeah, so what would you say?
You know, one question that wegot was what if your spouse
thinks they're always right,Like, what do you do in that
situation?
You know, and I'm trying toapply this from you know the
asking the question and liketrying to understand your spouse
, Like, maybe it's like a, a whydo they feel the need to always
(33:18):
prove themselves?
Speaker 1 (33:19):
right.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Like you know, coming like as a man, like what would
you think if you were alwaystrying to prove yourself right?
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Yeah, so I think it's very multifaceted, so I could
probably say a lot of differentthings and it may or may not be
applicable, but sometimes if you, if a man, doesn't feel
respected and doesn't feel heardand maybe, maybe just doesn't
(33:46):
feel like you're really on board, or on their team, then they'll
want to show you all the timeabout you know how they're right
, or to feel validated, or toyou know, just prove themselves.
and if they're in that, youdon't even necessarily have to
be belittled to feel that way.
(34:08):
But, man, I mean you want to,like, put a spring in my step,
you know, tell me how good I didsomething, or whatever, and
it's like it could be thesimplest thing.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I told you your arms looked really nice the other day
and you were like you couldtell me that every day, Right?
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Yeah, and I mean you don't know how much that means
to me and I mean I literallyI've been working out for I mean
years, but you know, reallytrying to be intentional the
past seven weeks and it likethat was so validating.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, and so again, it seems shallow, but it's not
like to a man, that's a, that'sa big thing, it's a huge deal,
yeah, deal yeah, because, again,if you're just kidding,
belittled all the time, and Imean, there is always something
that you can compliment someoneon, yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
so again, I think this in as a husband, you need
to do this as well.
Like you know, compliment.
So there are, you know, I tryto tell you all the time you
physical things, mental things,spiritual things there's so many
different ways you cancompliment someone and, even if
(35:18):
they're not doing what you thinkthey should be doing, pick
something to compliment themabout and encourage them, and I
think that would go a long ways.
So, again, I don't know ifthat's the root of them trying
to prove that they're right orthat they're a quote unquote,
always right, but I bet you thatis a factor.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Yeah, I can see that Because I was thinking about
that in parenting the other day.
It's like when a child isconstantly fighting for
something, is it because wedon't tell them yes, enough, you
know.
And it's just kind of like it'sso easy to be like, no, we're
not going to do that or no,we're not going to do that.
And in parenting it's like,okay, if I just said yes to that
, we wouldn't have had thisfight.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
Yeah, that's a great analogy.
And then all of a suddenthey're like oh my goodness,
like they just said yes, Like Isaid yes, like I guess I
probably don't really need thatover there or whatever.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
But then it also makes it so that when you do say
no to something, they're likeoh mom must really mean this,
you know, and it can probably bethe same thing you know with
this situation?
Speaker 1 (36:18):
well, it's intentional at that point yeah
flippant where it's just like no, no, no, no, no or whatever,
but um yeah, there, I personallythink that, and again, it's
very simple love and respect,and not everyone is the same,
but I think we're relatively thesame at our core, where in
general men want to be respectedand kind of need that respect
(36:39):
in life.
Women want to be loved and theyneed love in their life and we
all need a little bit of both,or a lot of both, or whatever.
But yeah, I mean it's scripturalright.
Ephesians 5.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Yeah, exactly, and you were jumping ahead in my
notes again.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Oh, I'm sorry.
You do this to me all the time,which just shows how on the
same page we are.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
But Mark 10, 8 through 9 says and they twain
shall be one flesh.
So then they are no more twain,but one flesh.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
We need to seek unity and not victory when we are
fighting, and you talked aboutthat.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
You said you know like we need to be unified.
You know to not be proving thatwe're right, right.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah, so this is a really random example and I'll
keep it quick, but I've always Iremember really young, like you
know, I mean not like fiveyears old but like you know,
young teens, teenage years Iremember reading the story of
the Tower of Babel and literallyGod said that people are one
(37:44):
and basically they canaccomplish anything.
And I remember thinking likeeven God respects unity and that
to me, was so powerful and it'sjust something that like when
you are literally one and justdialed in together, that's a
(38:06):
powerful marriage.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Yeah, I mean.
The Bible says blessed are thepeacemakers.
It doesn't say the peacekeepers, it says the peacemakers.
And that is what we need tohave unity.
You know, sometimes it isputting down or picking up the
towel and doing something foryour spouse, or it is laying
down the rope and letting go ofyou know, something that you
wanted.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
And it takes work.
I mean making peacemakers.
You're making something, youare working, you're working at
it.
Speaker 2 (38:32):
Exactly.
And then, obviously, there aregoing to be times where there
are going to be conflicts thatyou just can't resolve, and
that's where we need to havewise counsel.
Proverbs 11, 14 says where nocounsel is, the people fall.
But in the multitude ofcounselors there is safety but
in the multitude of counselors.
There is safety.
I mean there have been manytimes where we've talked to
parents about you know, whatever, and so we usually start there.
(38:54):
I'm very thankful that we havegodly parents that we can go to
and seek wise counsel from, butit could be a close friend,
especially I, would you knowcaution to make sure that you're
going to a friend whosemarriage is healthy.
You know not go to someone tocommiserate, but to go to
someone who you are genuinelyseeking wise counsel from and
just be like how would youhandle this in your marriage?
(39:15):
Someone that you trustobviously a pastor yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
So literally tons of things just went through my mind
with this, because I absolutelyagree, you have to.
I mean again, it's scripturalyou have to seek wise counsel,
but it doesn't say seek counselperiod, it says seek wise
counsel and you can totally.
Again, a ton of things wentthrough my head.
But I was at a conference Ibelieve it was in Nashville a
(39:47):
couple of years ago and therewas a speaker there and it was a
psychologist and it talkedabout conflict resolution.
Actually I probably should havegrabbed those notes, but I
remember him talking about Ibelieve it's called a triangle
or something along those lineswhere you can always find
someone that you know you cancommiserate with.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Or will validate what you're saying.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
And then you can kind of team up with that person
against the other person Right?
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Well, so-and-so said yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
And that happens in the workplace.
But again, in this specificinstance, in marriage, if you
yeah, you go to that friend thatdoesn't really like your
husband anyways, and you'recomplaining and blah, blah, blah
, and then all of a sudden yourhusband's a dirtbag and you want
to divorce or whatever.
(40:39):
And so, yes, find someone whois godly, find someone who is
wise, find someone who maybe youaspire to be more like.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Those are the people to listen to.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Don't just go and find someone to basically
validate your selfish thoughtsor whatever, and again, most of
our listeners are females, right, so I use the wife, but that
obviously is as or even moreimportant for the men who are
listening to this where yeah, Imean it's easy to you know, go
(41:13):
to your buddies and be like justragging on your wife and you
know it's just, it's not healthy, it's not wise, it's actually
very foolish.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Yeah, years ago I had a friend who gave me one of the
best compliments that I everhad she.
I was talking to her about youand she literally stopped me and
she was like I have never heardyou say one bad thing about him
and I've thought about that,because I can't say that that's
not always true, you know, likeI mean, there's going to be
times where you know I've talkedwith friends or whatever.
And it was I.
I said I was, you know, tryingto get wise counsel, but
(41:43):
sometimes it's just I'm bending,you know it happens, but I
remember her saying that andthat was.
I mean probably 10 plus yearsago and I just thought I want
that to always be my testimonyof our marriage, you know I want
people to be like you know what.
Shanda loves and respects herhusband and never says anything
bad about him, even though weknow him you know, yeah, right,
(42:04):
exactly yeah.
I think it's great, yeah, soagain.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
I didn't want to basically sidetrack or derail
that thought, but I do thinkthat really can go one way or
the other fast.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
Well, your friend needs to be the one that's
willing to speak.
The truth in't be validated.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
But, at the same time if you filter it through God's
word and filter it through thegodly, biblical counsel, wise
counsel, and you're still comingto the same conclusion, then,
(42:43):
okay, that probably makes sense.
You need to get counselingHopefully, as a married couple
can go get couples counseling,things like that.
And again, you don't just seekout the people who are on your
side.
You seek out the people who aregoing to root out the truth.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
Yeah, exactly Now.
I think we can end with thisverse here.
It's Romans 12, 18.
It says, if it be possible, asmuch as lieth in you, live
peaceably with all men.
All men is your husband, allmen is your wife you know and,
as much as lies within you, livepeaceably with them.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
I think you know, to me, peacefulness is energizing,
it's comforting, it's safe.
It's a feeling of safety andall those things.
So yeah, like who wants to comehome male, female, whatever to
a home that's just filled withanxiety and frustration and
(43:40):
basically the opposite of peace?
Whether it's unsafe, all ofthose things.
So try to create a home in amarriage that is just is a
peaceful marriage.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Yeah, yeah, hopefully this is, you know we've we're
able to give maybe some goodbiblical advice on this.
You know, like we said, wecan't necessarily speak into
every situation that was outthere, so we tried to pull key
biblical truths and really, youcan't change your spouse, so it
starts with you and just if youare seeking God and you are
(44:10):
asking for wisdom and you aretrying to live by the spirit,
that will impact the conflictsthat you have.
Yeah, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
And unfortunately it takes a lot of time.
It takes years, potentially, ormaybe even likely, you know,
depending on where you're at inyour marriage.
But you know that's not anexcuse to just be passive and
just to sit by the wayside.
But I use the phrase every oncein a while of like I'm
patiently aggressive, so it'slike you're always doing
(44:43):
something and you're purposefuland you're moving forward.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
Boom, boom, boom.
It's that peacemaker.
Yes, it's the doing.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (44:49):
But you're also understanding that, hey, this is
going to take a while andyou're being patient.
You don't expect results today,tomorrow, That'd be nice right.
But yeah, hang in there.
This is your encouragement tolook introspectively first and
and then, you know, lookbasically outside of your
(45:11):
marriage if you need to.
For that biblical counsel, thatwise counsel.
But you know, love your spouse,take care of them and really
just kind of keep working at it.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Yeah, and I think one of the last things too is just
trusting God, because I can'talways change you but God can,
and it's when I'm seeking Him inprayer and taking the things to
Him in prayer.
I just need to trust and kindof just leave it in His hands
and obviously be a vessel thathe can use and when we're led by
(45:44):
the Holy Spirit we can do that.
But just trusting that he isworking, even when we can't see
it, you know and hopefully we'llget glimpses of fruit, you know
, in certain areas, but yeah,yeah, it takes a lot of work.
All right, well, do you haveanything else to add?
Speaker 1 (45:59):
No, I think I stood up on my soapbox long enough.
No, hopefully it didn't comeacross like that.
But, these are, you know.
I mean, these are things thatwe're pretty passionate about,
right?
Because, again, if those thingsfester, and.
I mean any marriage issusceptible to, you know, just
discontent and frustration andresentment and all those things.
Speaker 2 (46:21):
So again it's kind of keeping that short account and
like on here, I mean obviously.
I mean this is beingbroadcasted to however many
number of people.
We're not going to air all ofour dirty laundry on here
because that is a respect thingfor our marriage.
And so I don't want this to,like you said, come across as
like we got this all figured outbut these are biblical
principles that we have appliedin our marriage and that we know
(46:43):
work.
Speaker 1 (46:43):
Yeah, and Lord willing, we'll continue to
develop and foster that the restof our lives.
Speaker 2 (46:49):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
Yeah, and teach our kids as well.
Speaker 2 (46:51):
Yeah, yep.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
Just had to throw that in there, All right, well
until next time.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
we want to encourage you to seek God, love your
spouse, hug your kids and staydevoted.
Thank you for tuning in to thisDevoted Life podcast with James
and Shanda.
We appreciate your support insharing biblical, uplifting
truths with the world.
If you found value in thisepisode, please leave us a
rating and review on yourfavorite podcast platform.
(47:17):
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Be sure to hit subscribe so younever miss an episode.
To learn more about how to livea life devoted to God and
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underscore motherhood.
Thank you again for listeningand we look forward to seeing
you next time on this DevotedLife podcast.
What started as a Saturday morning coffee date
turned into a podcast where wechat about things like faith,
family finances and so much more.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
In a world that is encouraging you to live your
truth and to follow your heart.
We want to encourage you tolive devoted to the truth.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
The Bible has a lot to say about how to live a
victorious Christian life, andwe want to share practical
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Speaker 2 (00:31):
If you enjoy this podcast, please leave us a
review and share these episodeswith your friends so that you
can help them live this devotedlife too.
Welcome to another episode ofthis Devoted Life podcast.
So a few weeks ago, I sent outa message on Instagram and asked
the community members therewhat topics they would like for
us to talk about on the podcast,and, overwhelmingly, the
(00:53):
response that I got was conflictand merit.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Ah, that's tough because we've never had any
conflict.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Never, at least for a solid hour At least.
Yes, yeah, so anyways, wethought we would try to tackle
this topic.
We obviously don't have itquite all figured out, but I
think we have a pretty goodmarriage and are decent at
resolving conflict.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yeah, I like to think so.
We're still married.
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
That's just the real part of this right.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Absolutely.
Yeah, and I think that's kindof part of this.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
It's the real raw conversations that we have,
which is probably why it's beingrequested is because this is
something that is very prevalentwithin marriage.
But I mean, that's what happenswhen you have two people who
are living so closely together,who are having to do things
together but have differingopinions on things, and yeah,
yeah, I think honestly a lot oftimes the closer you are to
(01:44):
someone, the more conflict thatyou're apt to have, right, I
mean, if you, what do?
Speaker 1 (01:50):
they say that familiarity breeds contempt, and
it does happen, right?
I mean, as we go through ourlives, we learn about more about
each other.
There's some baggage there,there's all kinds of things, and
if you want to be manipulativeor whatever, I mean, you can
actually bring up things fromthe past that are just those
(02:13):
daggers.
You know when, the wrong timeor the right time whatever you
want to look at it.
You can bring those things upand it can be very, very
damaging to a marriage.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Absolutely, and I think the one thing that you're
going to find in this episodethat we're going to bring it
back to a lot is thatunfortunately, you can't change
your spouse, so this is going tobe a lot about how you
personally respond in anargument.
Absolutely Because that doesaffect how your spouse will
respond as well.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
No question, yeah, yeah, as we go through life, we
really only can controlourselves, and sometimes it's
tough to do that right, but atleast, like you said, you can't
control other people.
You can influence them, you cantry to win them, you can try to
do things that make it easierfor them to change, but again,
(03:01):
it's all about what you can door can't do.
That influences the peoplearound you.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Yeah, so when we were thinking about this episode and
just how we wanted to go abouttalking about this, the thing
that I think we should startwith is what is the root cause
of most arguments?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
right.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
And there were a couple of verses that came to
mind on this.
For me, james 4.1 says Fromwhence come wars and fighting
among you?
Come they not?
Hence even of your lust, thatwar in your members.
So what is that saying?
It's basically saying that it'scoming from what you want.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
It's your selfish desires, right?
Yes, yeah, I mean, selflessnessprevents so much and
selfishness really contributesto that conflict and causes the
conflict and really is, like yousaid, that root, that root
cause.
If you were doing a root causeinvestigation of what's going on
(03:54):
here, yeah, selfishness iswhere it's at.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
And it's not saying like let yourself be bowled over
you know, because we I mean,yes, there is the love and the
respect in marriage that theBible talks about a lot, but you
also don't have to just likelay down and let your spouse
just bowl over you either,because we're going to talk
about some specific biblicalprinciples that can help you in
your response to your spouse,and one of them is speaking the
truth in love.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Because you can be right on something, but it is
how you are talking to yourspouse that may or may not get
his hackles up, or you know,yeah, yeah, I mean honestly,
there is a lot of power in goingthrough these situations and
making a difference.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Right, like you said, it's not just, you know,
rolling over and playing deadand you know, just letting your
spouse, in this case, just getthe best of you.
It's letting your spouse inthis case, just get the best of
you.
It's, and it's not also a winor lose situation, because then
really you both lose.
You know, I mean no one'swinning right, you know if you
win an argument.
(04:54):
Really no one's winning in amarriage, especially.
So don't look at it.
As you know again, there's somany different contexts, you
know, I mean different contextsthat it's kind of hard to speak
into every single situation.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yes, when it comes to conflict, the variables, are
infinite on this.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So you know, if you bookend this, there is the.
I need to call the police orcall an authority because
something bad is happening orabout to happen, right in
authority because something badis happening or about to happen
right.
And then there is the you know,smallest, really just tiny
issue that people blow out ofproportion.
And you know, I think whatwe're talking about mostly is
(05:37):
the in-betweens where it's apretty big deal.
I mean, it's something that youneed to discuss and that could
become a big issue, but you knowa way to get through it
together and you know it's kindof maybe it's the, you know
agree to disagree, but youaren't fighting over it.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Yeah, someone needs to put down the rope sometimes.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Proverbs 13.10 says Only by pride cometh contention,
but with the well-advised iswisdom.
So pride is really the sourceof most conflicts right.
I was thinking about that thisweek.
So you called me the other dayon the phone and you wanted to
talk about something and youwere asking my opinion on a
situation.
And as you were talking to me,I could tell that you weren't
(06:21):
really liking my response.
How could you tell?
Well, I thought that I wasgiving you know some biblical
wisdom, and just you know what Iknew from scripture and
whatever, and it wasn't like itwas not a big situation, but I
felt like we were kind ofgetting pretty tense on the
phone because I was like.
I don't think I'm wrong in this,and you were kind of getting
(06:41):
like a little like well, ifwe're going to do that, then we
should probably do this Exactly,and it was kind of turning into
one of those back and forth.
So finally we both just said youknow what, we're going to hang
up the phone.
But I got off that phone calland I was kind of like I just
feel a little icky about that.
So a few minutes later I justtexted you and I said I don't
like where we left that.
And I said are we okay?
(07:01):
You know like, do we?
Speaker 1 (07:02):
need to talk about this again Cause I just I didn't
like the feeling that I hadafter we got off the phone Cause
I was taking the kids to ballpractice so I had some time and
you knew, like basically we weredriving and you know I mean it
was just kind of like a lotgoing on, but then I was going
to have a little bit of time.
So I think you were kind ofreaching that olive branch out
to.
Hey, if you, if we need to talkmore about this now that you
have time, let's talk about it,yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Well, it was funny because after I sent you that
text message, you texted backand you said no, really, your
answer was the one that I wasalready feeling that we should
do, but I just didn't want thatanswer, and so it was as soon as
you responded in humility andyou were kind of like, yeah, you
were kind of right.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I already knew it in my heart.
I was like it's all good.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, just immediately I felt better, you
felt better and we were able tomove past it.
And so really that just kind ofshows how, as soon as that
humility was reached, it justimmediately dissipated the whole
contention that was between us.
It did, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
And I think that's part of it in marriage where,
you know, sometimes we areactually kind of already on the
same page.
So, like in this situation, Ihad kind of gone through the
whole gamut of answers in myhead and I was challenging
myself to start with it whereit's like I should probably do
that but I don't really want to,you know, and so I was.
(08:25):
I had kind of started talkingmyself out of it and I was like
you know, I better get Shanda'stake on this.
And when I called, you saidwhat, where I had started and
I'm like doggone it, you know,like I don't want to do this,
and so it was my fault.
You know what I mean me andbecause I had already thought
(08:46):
about it for you know 15 or 20minutes.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
You were wanting validation for what you wanted
to do, not necessarily what weshould do.
Yes, exactly yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
So sometimes it's as simple as.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
It was something minor, it was not a big thing.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Yeah, like a little misunderstanding, or maybe it's
too much of you're on the samepage already and I wanted some
validation of like talkingmyself out of it, right.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
So that's just, we wanted to share that because, I
mean, that's what happens inmarriage right, and so if we
would have left that root of youknow bitterness or you know
contempt or whatever in there,then the next argument and the
next one and the next one, andyou know, if you do that over
years, then that's what, that'show divorces happen, or or
(09:31):
whatever you know whatever endscenario, and so it's kind of I
guess to me the punchline ofthis is keep a short account,
like don't let those thingsfester, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Yeah, I mean, if you, if we hadn't have, you know
kind of, did that real short,quick, back and forth text, I
would have sat there andruminated on it and then by the
time you got home I probablywould have been frustrated with
you because, like I said, Ididn't think I was wrong, which
is another thing to like, causeI was trying to check my own
heart, like am I wrong in this?
And I was kind of going throughjust some biblical scripture and
(10:05):
I'm going I don't think I am, Ican't find anything to support
this and, like I said, it wassomething minor.
But yeah, had you not respondedthe way that you responded in
that text back to me, I wouldhave then been the one that was
contentious when you came homebecause I probably would have
ruminated on it for the hour youwere gone, Right right, yeah,
all right.
So let's look at some just somebiblical principles for handling
(10:27):
conflict.
I found some verses that I justkind of want to talk through
and how they can be applied todealing with conflict.
You know, and the first onethat I want to talk about is
Ephesians 4.32.
It says and be kind one toanother, tenderhearted forgiving
one another, even as God, forChrist's sake, hath forgiven you
.
That's kind of going to be ourkey verse.
(10:48):
It's one that we talk to ourkids about a lot of time,
because often they are havingconflicts, but really that
applies to marriages as well.
You know, we have to be kind, wehave to be tenderhearted and we
have to be quick to forgive.
You know, 1 Corinthians 13, 4through 7 says Charity suffereth
long and is kind.
Charity envieth not, charityvaunteth not itself and is not
(11:08):
puffed up.
Charity in the KJV is love.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Right, yeah, and those verses come up a lot in
weddings and marriage ceremonies, things like that, right, and
it's so easy to just kind of usethat as a thing to say because
it's beautiful, it's poetry,it's scripture, and then
everyone leaves for the day andno one remembers it.
(11:32):
It's like no, let's keep thatin our marriages and remember
that true love does look out forthe other person.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, I mean suffering long, you know that's
patience.
And it's just sometimes you'regoing to have an off day and I
need to show more patiencetowards you.
You know, in that day and it'skind, you know I was thinking
about this just this week Onceagain I was struggling and I
just kind of shared with youthat I had a hard night of sleep
(12:01):
because I was kind of dwellingon some things.
And you came up to me and youjust said and this was like
first thing in the morning andyou just said I'm really sorry
that you're feeling that way,and you gave me a kiss on my
forehead and just your kindnesslike melted me.
I just started crying because Iwas not expecting quite that
(12:22):
compassion and that kindness andthat response from you.
And so when you gave that to me, it just was like this weight
of relief, you know, that kindof came off my shoulders,
knowing that you wereempathizing with how I was
feeling.
So, you know, just if we'regoing to have bad days, and
sometimes that conflict can comeup because maybe your spouse is
(12:42):
going through something,because there are oftentimes
that you're going throughsomething at work that I have no
idea what's going on andsometimes that stress can come
home and it comes out in littleways or maybe you're a little
bit shorter with me or whateverand then it can build into an
argument and I don't even knowwhat we're arguing about but,
there just seems to be thistension between us.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Yeah, I'm really glad you said that because you were
making me sound really good withthe stories there.
But no, I totally agree, and Ithink I had been noticing that
you were struggling with somethings, and so I wanted to,
because, I mean just sincerely,sometimes I feel like, oh, just
(13:26):
suck it up or whatever right Iknow and sometimes I need to
hear that Sure, yeah.
But no, I had noticed that youwere just really kind of dealing
with some things and I wantedto show that support.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
And you could have been taking them personally too,
because they were coming out ina little bit of me lashing out,
right, but they weren't relatedto you, and I think that
sometimes what we have torealize is not everything is
related to us Like there can beother things that our spouse is
going through.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
I think that's a great thing to point out, and
because sometimes we are soself-consumed that we think it's
you know, and I know it mightsound odd, but it's like
everything's all about us youknow, and it's like no, like
they just had a bad day, youknow like, and they're, you know
(14:17):
like, wrongly taking it out onyou maybe, but you know you
didn't necessarily do anythingwrong or whatever, and I think
that just shows the humility andthe patience and the
selflessness, that it really.
You know, I think it's Proverbs15, 3, and I have no idea if
this is in our notes, but youknow a soft answer turneth away
wrath.
And it's that you know softanswer that really does.
Not only does it turn awaywrath, but it builds.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
And there's this like almost intimacy in a way that
you feel, yeah, we talk a lotabout just having a really good
communication within marriage,because there have been so many
times that I can see that I canfeel that there's some tension
and I feel like it's between us,and so I will just directly ask
you are you mad at me or is itsomething else?
(14:59):
And you'll be like nope, it'ssomething else, and I'm like,
okay, and then I can let it goand I can show you more grace,
because you're obviously needingit in that moment.
So communication is such a bigthing with this.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
It is Totally agree.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
All right.
Then we have Ephesians 4.15.
It says but speaking the truthin love may grow up into him in
all things, which is the headeven Christ.
We have to be very careful withour words.
Right, we have to speak thetruth in love.
There are times that you willbe right.
There will be times that I amright.
(15:33):
There are times where we arehaving a conflict, where one of
us is right on the topic.
But we can still choose how wecommunicate that we can speak
the truth in love.
And it's not coming and onceagain it's coming back to that
pride.
It's not coming from a place ofpride, it's coming from a place
of humility, coming from aplace of pride.
(15:54):
It's coming from a place ofhumility because you genuinely
want what is best for yourspouse and for your family and
for your kids.
And I think when you are ableto speak the truth in love and
in humility, your spouse is ableto recognize that and it
doesn't become this like tug ofwar between you.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, I agree, and I think this is another area to
point out that some things areworth really digging into and
vetting out.
And then there are things whereit's like pick and choose your
battles.
You know this isn't a hill todie on, so rather than just you
know, it's like that little doglike nipping at your heels you
(16:30):
know, and you know, just give itup, or you know, let's move on
or whatever, but I agree thatyou have to listen and hear the
other person out and make surethat you are you know again, I
think all of this in my mindkeeps coming back to pride,
humility, selfishness,selflessness, and that you know,
(16:53):
yes, like you said, like thereare times where you'll say
something and I don't want toadmit.
You're right about it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
you know right, it's just that that's that pride in
my heart.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
but I know you're right and I know that I need to
support you in that decision or,you know, make a change myself.
And I think that again it'sback to a few episodes ago where
I said it's simple, notnecessarily easy.
I think a lot of this is reallyquite simple.
If we, just if you envisionyourself outside of the argument
(17:28):
and outside of the marriage andyou were just in a casual
observer, what would you thinkabout you and your spouse at
that time?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Right, you know, I mean like they're acting like
little kids, right, yes, right.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
And I think that's how most arguments are.
Yeah, and if you just you know,I think sometimes you just have
to step back and maybe laughabout it, you know because they
are quite silly at times, and alot of times they aren't.
But you know, I think againit's hard to paint this.
They all add up, though they do, yes.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
The silly ones all add up.
So if you just feel like you'reconstantly arguing about even
just the stupidest stuff, whenit does come to a big argument
you're both already on edge andit just blows up into something
massive.
You know, you've talked aboutthis with me and the kids.
I always appreciate the wisdomthat you are able to give me
because I'm home with the kidsall day, so you are kind of that
outside observer for me andI'll be like man.
(18:19):
It just feels like I'm harpingon the kids all day long and
you're like well, stop harpingBecause, yes, you are probably
right almost every single time,but is that really worth
reprimanding them for in that?
Speaker 1 (18:30):
moment.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
You know, because it's probably not.
They probably feel pecked attoo, because you're just
constantly peck, peck, peck,peck, peck, even though you are
right, for the sake of unity inthe family is that really you
know, worth correcting.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah, and pick the opportunities to show them
respect so that they can seewhat feeling the feeling of
being respected is in.
Are they being little kids oris there a real issue here?
Or you know just all kinds ofthings and, like you said, when
you're consumed by it being likeor you can't escape it.
I should say, then it is hardto you know see the forest or
(19:06):
the trees through the forest youknow.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
So yeah, hopefully that makes sense.
Proverbs 15.1,.
You had already touched on this.
A soft answer turns away wrathbut grievous words stir up anger
.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Sorry, I think I said Proverbs 15.3.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Oh yeah, so there you go, fact checking me Proverbs
15.1,.
A soft answer turns away wrath,and that is just something you
know.
You are going to have conflictin marriage.
That's just the plain andsimple truth of it.
Are going to have conflict inmarriage, that's just the plain
and simple truth of it.
(19:41):
But how we choose to speak, youknow, is our choice.
Even if your spouse is notresponding in a way that they
should because we can't controlour spouse if we're responding
in gentleness, it's going topotentially change the way your
spouse is responding too.
It's kind of like, I mean, withkids.
It's like they can be just likeso ramped up and just kind of
start be yelling because they'rejust like being completely
ruled by their emotions.
But a gentle answer to themusually can just like totally
(20:06):
change the trajectory of theconversation.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Absolutely yeah.
I don't even know if there'sanything more to say on that.
It is just so true.
Yep, yep.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, ephesians 4, 26 and 27 then says be angry and
sin not.
Let not the sun go down uponyour wrath, neither give place
to the devil, and you touched onthis with keeping a short
account.
You can be angry and not sin,because we all are going to
experience emotion, and that isan emotion that was given to us
from God.
(20:35):
The problem with anger is thatusually it is rooted in our
pride, and that's where the sincomes out.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, and if it is a righteous anger where you know,
I think you know again, ifyou're in a marriage where one
you know, your spouse, is notsaved and they don't care about
their faith, or anything careabout God at all.
That's going to be tough.
I mean because you're unequallyyoked right and those are going
(21:02):
to be big challenges, and I do.
This is an example of you know.
That is a hill to die on,especially as you are trying to
raise your children in a godlyhome, in a Christian environment
, and expose them to the truth,and that's where it is going to
be tough.
I mean there is no gettingaround it.
(21:23):
If you don't have a common goal,you're not pulling in the same
direction.
There are going to bechallenges, challenges, and
there is a lot of you know goodinformation out there where
maybe I think you always need tostart in the Bible and vet out
the truth.
But maybe you should seek outyou read some, you know, secular
(21:46):
books.
Maybe look at some leadershipideas, things like that, where
you can share these ideas withthem and maybe influence them.
And obviously it has to alignwith scripture.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
But maybe they don't want to believe the Bible, but
maybe they'll believe somethingthat you share with them and
then you know, as they startwarming up to the idea, you can
actually show them where theBible says that too right, that
is a biblical principle but it'sjust in, you know, you're kind
of finding that common groundwhere you're meeting them, where
they're at, but you know thatit's a biblical principle and
(22:26):
maybe can help them see how ohhey, the Bible, you know, talks
about this after well, I cannotremember where this verse is,
but it talks about like winningyour spouse through your
conversation, and that'sliterally that soft answer and
just your righteous living canwin them to Christ, absolutely,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Consistency, all those things.
But you know, going back tobeing unequally yoked, that is
going to be a challenge.
Another thing that I use oftenat work is especially I mean now
that I'm 40 and.
I'm not leading and influencingpeople that are at least twice
your age, if not three timesyour age, and it was a challenge
(23:24):
, right?
But if you, I would askquestions, ask them questions
and get some answers from them.
And if you ask the rightquestions, again, it's not that
you're being manipulative, it'sjust you are You're helping them
to see yes and all of a sudden.
Now it's their idea and youhelped them get to that
conclusion and maybe you caninfluence that way as well.
(23:46):
So these are some differenttactics, and again, I actually
meant to bring out one ofJocko's books actually in kind
of the field manual ofleadership, because really that
is a lot of what this is, and itdoesn't matter if you're the
male or female, the husband orthe wife.
We're one and we're bothequally as important.
(24:09):
Again, the man is required tolead the home and be a spiritual
leader in the home.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
But ultimately I am to submit to your authority.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Yes, Yep, yep.
But you also compliment me andI, as the leader, love to have
you shoulder to shoulder with meand we're pulling in the same
direction and it's so much morejust, successful and effective
in our marriage, especially aswe're raising our children and
(24:42):
leading our children.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
I really like that practical advice of asking
questions, because that makesthe person that you are asking
feel validated.
It's like you want to knowtheir opinion.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
And you also are then gaining an understanding of
where they're coming from, and Ithink that that is something
that hopefully we can, you know,offer and have someone take
from this, because I know thatwhen you ask me questions like,
okay, well, why do you feel likethat?
Or what do you think is theright answer to this and why do
you think that helps me feelheard and will make me respond
(25:17):
in a totally different way toyou?
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
And sometimes I like literally, I'll have it decided
right.
You know, I mean, it's clear inmy head and we'll go through
this, not exercise, but this,you know, conversation and all
of a sudden I'm like, oh man,like I man, like I guess I
didn't think about it, Like yougive me an answer and so again,
it's not like I'm like corneringyou, or angling you know, to
(25:41):
you know, get my way, it's moreit genuinely.
When you do it genuinely again,I, you know, sometimes I'll do
it totally with the thought thatI have this answer and I just
want you on board, and then I'mlike oh well, I just learned
something new or you know, likeyeah I, maybe we won't do that
this time.
But, you know, that's a greatidea or whatever, yeah so again,
(26:04):
it's collaborative.
If you can turn it into acollaborative thing and you know
again, as you're growing closerto God, you grow closer to each
other and keep your eyes, youknow, heavenly focused but also
establish the relation and growthe relationship between the two
of you, then it's really aperfect triangle.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Yeah, I want to go back to you talking about the
unequally yoked marriages whereone of the spouses is a
nonbeliever.
I was talking with a friend andshe is in a relationship like
this and I loved how she handledthis situation because she has
concerns about her children andshe wants to see her spouse
(26:47):
saved, but I love how she's beenresponding to him.
So I'm using just a verypractical you know this real
world illustration of this,because she didn't place on him
expectations of him to act likea believer.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Because she knew he's not a believer, he doesn't
believe this, so she doesn'texpect him to act like one.
And then the other thing thatshe's been doing is she's just
living out her faith genuinely.
Her kids see her reading herBible.
They see her going to church.
She takes them to church becauseher husband, thankfully, is
okay with her taking them tochurch, she takes them to church
, she reads the Bible with them,she prays with them and she
(27:23):
said I'm starting to see fruitof that.
She said my kids see me readingmy Bible and I find them with
their Bibles in their roomreading.
Or the other day, you know, wewere going through like a hard
thing with a friend and my sonwas like let's pray for my
friend right now, Totallyunprompted, but that was because
she has been laying thisgenuine faith and this genuine
(27:44):
foundation.
So, even though her spouse isnot on board with this because
of her conversation, he, youknow, is good with her taking
the kids to church and she'sstill able to see fruit in her
children because of the faiththat she's displaying.
For them.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
That's a wonderful mindset and really just that
consistent living, consistentgodliness.
And I mean, think about it.
It's hard enough when you wantto do it and have the support
group around you.
Right, Think about when peopleare resisting and resisting and
resisting, even within yourhouse.
(28:21):
I commend that.
I think honestly that those arethe even stronger believers
than a lot of us, who have agreat godly marriage and try to
please the Lord and again arefar from perfect, but yeah,
that's awesome.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
And it just kind of goes to show that when you are
living out your faith andactually responding in a godly
manner, it does influence yourspouse and they still have a
good marriage.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Absolutely yeah, and why wouldn't they want?
You know someone who you knowloves them and appreciates them
and is really kind of taking alot of that load?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
I guess we'll move on to the last verse that I have
for this kind of section, andit's Colossians 3.13.
It says Forbearing one anotherand forgiving one another.
If any man have a quarrelagainst any, even as Christ
forgave you, so also do ye.
Yeah, you are going to havefights and you're going to do
stuff that you shouldn't say andyou probably shouldn't have
done and you're going toprobably have a regret.
(29:20):
Forgive one another.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Yes, absolutely, and we have the ultimate example of
that love and that forgiveness,and yeah, I think that we can
just always know that this iswhat we ought to do and swallow
that pride and just move on.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
It does really come back to pride, because
forgiveness takes humility.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Yeah, yep, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
So here's some practical steps for resolving
conflict, because once again weare going to all have conflict
in marriage.
Philippians 4, 6 through 7 saysbe careful for nothing, but in
everything, by prayer andsupplication, with thanksgiving,
let your requests be made knownunto God.
Pray before you speak.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
You know, even just other things in life I sometimes
I'll find myself, you know, goround and round and round and
round and round in my head andI'm like, have I?
Prayed about this yet and I'mlike, oh man.
And so then I'm kind ofembarrassed that.
I haven't, but absolutely whenyou're going into these
conversations and you know, it'sgoing to be tense and you know
that you can kind of cut thetension with a knife.
(30:34):
That's a great place to start.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Talk to God first.
Lord, lead me by the Spiritright now, because fleshly, this
is not what I want to happenright now.
So starting there and askingthe Holy Spirit to guide your
words is a huge place to startand it needs to be the place to
start, especially if you knowthat it is, you know, a big
conflict that you're going to begoing into.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
So next time you come up to me and you'd be like,
babe, we need to pray.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
I'm going to be like oh no, here we go.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I already prayed about this, Are you?
Have you prayed?
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Oh, actually Trina just mentioned that in Sunday
school the other day she saidsomeone came up and and I can't
remember who she said, butbasically is they asked.
I can't remember the exactphrase, but basically is are you
prayed up?
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Like, are you geared up for today?
And it just that makes mechuckle.
Yeah, great question, yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
All right.
James 1, 19 says wherefore, mybeloved brethren, let every man
be swift to hear slow to speakslow to wrath.
So we need to be willing tolisten before we respond, and
that I think you saying like askthe questions.
Yes, that is part of this.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Yeah, and again, I can't stress enough how much you
learn by listening, becausesometimes you just genuinely get
a tidbit of information thatyou didn't have.
And then also sometimes you canfind out where that person is
coming from and if you can justunderstand their mindset, a lot
(32:04):
of times it can help you maybeframe your words in a better way
to help with that understanding.
Because again, I don't know howto say it and it's almost like
you just have to feel it or seeit in the moment.
But sometimes you have to hearwhat they're not saying, even
(32:26):
when they're answering yourquestions.
It's like what is going on intheir mind.
What is the basis of thisfrustration?
What is causing thismiscommunication?
or this misunderstanding, or youknow again the frustration, and
just again that listeningmatters so much and it's so easy
(32:47):
to just talk, talk, talk, talk,talk you know, that I can talk
for hours about the silliestthings, but if you just stop and
listen, it can help so much.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Yeah, so what would you say?
You know, one question that wegot was what if your spouse
thinks they're always right,Like, what do you do in that
situation?
You know, and I'm trying toapply this from you know the
asking the question and liketrying to understand your spouse
, Like, maybe it's like a, a whydo they feel the need to always
(33:18):
prove themselves?
Speaker 1 (33:19):
right.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Like you know, coming like as a man, like what would
you think if you were alwaystrying to prove yourself right?
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Yeah, so I think it's very multifaceted, so I could
probably say a lot of differentthings and it may or may not be
applicable, but sometimes if you, if a man, doesn't feel
respected and doesn't feel heardand maybe, maybe just doesn't
(33:46):
feel like you're really on board, or on their team, then they'll
want to show you all the timeabout you know how they're right
, or to feel validated, or toyou know, just prove themselves.
and if they're in that, youdon't even necessarily have to
be belittled to feel that way.
(34:08):
But, man, I mean you want to,like, put a spring in my step,
you know, tell me how good I didsomething, or whatever, and
it's like it could be thesimplest thing.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I told you your arms looked really nice the other day
and you were like you couldtell me that every day, Right?
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Yeah, and I mean you don't know how much that means
to me and I mean I literallyI've been working out for I mean
years, but you know, reallytrying to be intentional the
past seven weeks and it likethat was so validating.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, and so again, it seems shallow, but it's not
like to a man, that's a, that'sa big thing, it's a huge deal,
yeah, deal yeah, because, again,if you're just kidding,
belittled all the time, and Imean, there is always something
that you can compliment someoneon, yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
so again, I think this in as a husband, you need
to do this as well.
Like you know, compliment.
So there are, you know, I tryto tell you all the time you
physical things, mental things,spiritual things there's so many
different ways you cancompliment someone and, even if
(35:18):
they're not doing what you thinkthey should be doing, pick
something to compliment themabout and encourage them, and I
think that would go a long ways.
So, again, I don't know ifthat's the root of them trying
to prove that they're right orthat they're a quote unquote,
always right, but I bet you thatis a factor.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Yeah, I can see that Because I was thinking about
that in parenting the other day.
It's like when a child isconstantly fighting for
something, is it because wedon't tell them yes, enough, you
know.
And it's just kind of like it'sso easy to be like, no, we're
not going to do that or no,we're not going to do that.
And in parenting it's like,okay, if I just said yes to that
, we wouldn't have had thisfight.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
Yeah, that's a great analogy.
And then all of a suddenthey're like oh my goodness,
like they just said yes, Like Isaid yes, like I guess I
probably don't really need thatover there or whatever.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
But then it also makes it so that when you do say
no to something, they're likeoh mom must really mean this,
you know, and it can probably bethe same thing you know with
this situation?
Speaker 1 (36:18):
well, it's intentional at that point yeah
flippant where it's just like no, no, no, no, no or whatever,
but um yeah, there, I personallythink that, and again, it's
very simple love and respect,and not everyone is the same,
but I think we're relatively thesame at our core, where in
general men want to be respectedand kind of need that respect
(36:39):
in life.
Women want to be loved and theyneed love in their life and we
all need a little bit of both,or a lot of both, or whatever.
But yeah, I mean it's scripturalright.
Ephesians 5.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Yeah, exactly, and you were jumping ahead in my
notes again.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Oh, I'm sorry.
You do this to me all the time,which just shows how on the
same page we are.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
But Mark 10, 8 through 9 says and they twain
shall be one flesh.
So then they are no more twain,but one flesh.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
We need to seek unity and not victory when we are
fighting, and you talked aboutthat.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
You said you know like we need to be unified.
You know to not be proving thatwe're right, right.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah, so this is a really random example and I'll
keep it quick, but I've always Iremember really young, like you
know, I mean not like fiveyears old but like you know,
young teens, teenage years Iremember reading the story of
the Tower of Babel and literallyGod said that people are one
(37:44):
and basically they canaccomplish anything.
And I remember thinking likeeven God respects unity and that
to me, was so powerful and it'sjust something that like when
you are literally one and justdialed in together, that's a
(38:06):
powerful marriage.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Yeah, I mean.
The Bible says blessed are thepeacemakers.
It doesn't say the peacekeepers, it says the peacemakers.
And that is what we need tohave unity.
You know, sometimes it isputting down or picking up the
towel and doing something foryour spouse, or it is laying
down the rope and letting go ofyou know, something that you
wanted.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
And it takes work.
I mean making peacemakers.
You're making something, youare working, you're working at
it.
Speaker 2 (38:32):
Exactly.
And then, obviously, there aregoing to be times where there
are going to be conflicts thatyou just can't resolve, and
that's where we need to havewise counsel.
Proverbs 11, 14 says where nocounsel is, the people fall.
But in the multitude ofcounselors there is safety but
in the multitude of counselors.
There is safety.
I mean there have been manytimes where we've talked to
parents about you know, whatever, and so we usually start there.
(38:54):
I'm very thankful that we havegodly parents that we can go to
and seek wise counsel from, butit could be a close friend,
especially I, would you knowcaution to make sure that you're
going to a friend whosemarriage is healthy.
You know not go to someone tocommiserate, but to go to
someone who you are genuinelyseeking wise counsel from and
just be like how would youhandle this in your marriage?
(39:15):
Someone that you trustobviously a pastor yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
So literally tons of things just went through my mind
with this, because I absolutelyagree, you have to.
I mean again, it's scripturalyou have to seek wise counsel,
but it doesn't say seek counselperiod, it says seek wise
counsel and you can totally.
Again, a ton of things wentthrough my head.
But I was at a conference Ibelieve it was in Nashville a
(39:47):
couple of years ago and therewas a speaker there and it was a
psychologist and it talkedabout conflict resolution.
Actually I probably should havegrabbed those notes, but I
remember him talking about Ibelieve it's called a triangle
or something along those lineswhere you can always find
someone that you know you cancommiserate with.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Or will validate what you're saying.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
And then you can kind of team up with that person
against the other person Right?
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Well, so-and-so said yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
And that happens in the workplace.
But again, in this specificinstance, in marriage, if you
yeah, you go to that friend thatdoesn't really like your
husband anyways, and you'recomplaining and blah, blah, blah
, and then all of a sudden yourhusband's a dirtbag and you want
to divorce or whatever.
(40:39):
And so, yes, find someone whois godly, find someone who is
wise, find someone who maybe youaspire to be more like.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Those are the people to listen to.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Don't just go and find someone to basically
validate your selfish thoughtsor whatever, and again, most of
our listeners are females, right, so I use the wife, but that
obviously is as or even moreimportant for the men who are
listening to this where yeah, Imean it's easy to you know, go
(41:13):
to your buddies and be like justragging on your wife and you
know it's just, it's not healthy, it's not wise, it's actually
very foolish.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Yeah, years ago I had a friend who gave me one of the
best compliments that I everhad she.
I was talking to her about youand she literally stopped me and
she was like I have never heardyou say one bad thing about him
and I've thought about that,because I can't say that that's
not always true, you know, likeI mean, there's going to be
times where you know I've talkedwith friends or whatever.
And it was I.
I said I was, you know, tryingto get wise counsel, but
(41:43):
sometimes it's just I'm bending,you know it happens, but I
remember her saying that andthat was.
I mean probably 10 plus yearsago and I just thought I want
that to always be my testimonyof our marriage, you know I want
people to be like you know what.
Shanda loves and respects herhusband and never says anything
bad about him, even though weknow him you know, yeah, right,
(42:04):
exactly yeah.
I think it's great, yeah, soagain.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
I didn't want to basically sidetrack or derail
that thought, but I do thinkthat really can go one way or
the other fast.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
Well, your friend needs to be the one that's
willing to speak.
The truth in't be validated.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
But, at the same time if you filter it through God's
word and filter it through thegodly, biblical counsel, wise
counsel, and you're still comingto the same conclusion, then,
(42:43):
okay, that probably makes sense.
You need to get counselingHopefully, as a married couple
can go get couples counseling,things like that.
And again, you don't just seekout the people who are on your
side.
You seek out the people who aregoing to root out the truth.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
Yeah, exactly Now.
I think we can end with thisverse here.
It's Romans 12, 18.
It says, if it be possible, asmuch as lieth in you, live
peaceably with all men.
All men is your husband, allmen is your wife you know and,
as much as lies within you, livepeaceably with them.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
I think you know, to me, peacefulness is energizing,
it's comforting, it's safe.
It's a feeling of safety andall those things.
So yeah, like who wants to comehome male, female, whatever to
a home that's just filled withanxiety and frustration and
(43:40):
basically the opposite of peace?
Whether it's unsafe, all ofthose things.
So try to create a home in amarriage that is just is a
peaceful marriage.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Yeah, yeah, hopefully this is, you know we've we're
able to give maybe some goodbiblical advice on this.
You know, like we said, wecan't necessarily speak into
every situation that was outthere, so we tried to pull key
biblical truths and really, youcan't change your spouse, so it
starts with you and just if youare seeking God and you are
(44:10):
asking for wisdom and you aretrying to live by the spirit,
that will impact the conflictsthat you have.
Yeah, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
And unfortunately it takes a lot of time.
It takes years, potentially, ormaybe even likely, you know,
depending on where you're at inyour marriage.
But you know that's not anexcuse to just be passive and
just to sit by the wayside.
But I use the phrase every oncein a while of like I'm
patiently aggressive, so it'slike you're always doing
(44:43):
something and you're purposefuland you're moving forward.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
Boom, boom, boom.
It's that peacemaker.
Yes, it's the doing.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (44:49):
But you're also understanding that, hey, this is
going to take a while andyou're being patient.
You don't expect results today,tomorrow, That'd be nice right.
But yeah, hang in there.
This is your encouragement tolook introspectively first and
and then, you know, lookbasically outside of your
(45:11):
marriage if you need to.
For that biblical counsel, thatwise counsel.
But you know, love your spouse,take care of them and really
just kind of keep working at it.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Yeah, and I think one of the last things too is just
trusting God, because I can'talways change you but God can,
and it's when I'm seeking Him inprayer and taking the things to
Him in prayer.
I just need to trust and kindof just leave it in His hands
and obviously be a vessel thathe can use and when we're led by
(45:44):
the Holy Spirit we can do that.
But just trusting that he isworking, even when we can't see
it, you know and hopefully we'llget glimpses of fruit, you know
, in certain areas, but yeah,yeah, it takes a lot of work.
All right, well, do you haveanything else to add?
Speaker 1 (45:59):
No, I think I stood up on my soapbox long enough.
No, hopefully it didn't comeacross like that.
But, these are, you know.
I mean, these are things thatwe're pretty passionate about,
right?
Because, again, if those thingsfester, and.
I mean any marriage issusceptible to, you know, just
discontent and frustration andresentment and all those things.
Speaker 2 (46:21):
So again it's kind of keeping that short account and
like on here, I mean obviously.
I mean this is beingbroadcasted to however many
number of people.
We're not going to air all ofour dirty laundry on here
because that is a respect thingfor our marriage.
And so I don't want this to,like you said, come across as
like we got this all figured outbut these are biblical
principles that we have appliedin our marriage and that we know
(46:43):
work.
Speaker 1 (46:43):
Yeah, and Lord willing, we'll continue to
develop and foster that the restof our lives.
Speaker 2 (46:49):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
Yeah, and teach our kids as well.
Speaker 2 (46:51):
Yeah, yep.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
Just had to throw that in there, All right, well
until next time.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
we want to encourage you to seek God, love your
spouse, hug your kids and staydevoted.
Thank you for tuning in to thisDevoted Life podcast with James
and Shanda.
We appreciate your support insharing biblical, uplifting
truths with the world.
If you found value in thisepisode, please leave us a
rating and review on yourfavorite podcast platform.
(47:17):
Your feedback helps us toimprove the show and we'd love
to hear from you.
Be sure to hit subscribe so younever miss an episode.
To learn more about how to livea life devoted to God and
family, head over tothisdevotedlifecom.
You can also follow me, shanda,on Instagram at devoted
underscore motherhood.
Thank you again for listeningand we look forward to seeing
you next time on this DevotedLife podcast.
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