August 2, 2025 • 36 mins
Are you feeling trapped in your empty nest years but can't quite understand why? That paradox of being busy yet unfulfilled, with success feeling just out of reach, is more common than you think—especially among men who struggle to verbalize these emotions.
In this powerful episode, John Mylant unpacks the deeper reasons behind these feelings and offers a transformative perspective on how to move forward. He explores the ongoing battle between our subconscious fear—our primal self-preservation instinct—and love, which requires conscious effort and fuels growth. At the core of this struggle is the inner critic—a relentless voice telling us we’re not enough, won’t succeed, or shouldn’t try. When we listen to this inner dialogue, we trap ourselves in cycles of self-doubt, indecision, and inconsistency, making real progress impossible.
The key insight? Everything we desire is already within us—"just a decision away."
Highlights & Key Takeaways:
- Feeling stuck often stems from disconnecting what we do from what we truly want inside.
- The inner critic fuels self-doubt, leading to indecision and inconsistent action.
- Living in the present, with honesty and self-awareness, provides clarity and direction.
- True answers emerge when you stop forcing and start questioning.
- The inner critic will never disappear completely—learning to turn it into a barely audible whisper is the key to growth.
John Mylant Bio
Based in Colorado Springs, CO, John specializes in working with men who feel the pressure to succeed but are secretly battling self-sabotage, fear of success, and the weight of playing small. These are men who lead their families, businesses, and communities—but quietly struggle to lead themselves.
Having lived this journey himself, John knows what it feels like to have potential burning inside you while being stuck in hesitation and insecurity. After overcoming his own internal war with fear, doubt, and a scarcity mindset, he dedicated his life to helping other men break free—without sacrificing family, faith, or financial stability.
Find John Online: Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Critic will never go away, because it's just part of
being human, because it's howfear tries to keep us alive.
But if we're going to grow, wehave to learn to turn that inner
critic into a barely audiblewhisper.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Welcome to this Empty Nest Life.
Join Jay Ramsden as he leadsyou on a transformative journey
through the uncharted seas ofmidlife and empty nesting.
If you're ready to embark onthis new adventure and redefine
your future, you're in the rightplace.
Here's your host, the EmptyNest Coach, Jay Ramston.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Hey there, my Empty Nest.
Friends, on today's episodewe're digging into an important
topic for the men in your life,whether that's your partner,
your son, your brother, your dador even yourself.
We're digging into why so manymen feel stuck but don't want to
talk about it.
My friends, if you know, youknow, join me in this
conversation is John Milant, whohelps men struggling with
(00:55):
self-doubt, battling their innercritic, and those always
seeming to be struggling withinaction in their lives.
John, welcome to this EmptinessLife.
Thank you very much.
So good to see you.
I'm curious.
I think June was Men's MentalHealth Month.
And so folks you know, get intothat and start sharing
(01:16):
information about it.
And we hear a lot of peoplesaying well, you know the man in
my life doesn't, or my.
You know my dad, my brother, myuncle, my cousin, whoever it
may be, they don doesn't.
Or my dad, my brother, my uncle, whoever it may be, they don't
talk about feelings and feelingstuck.
But why do you think in yourexperience, this is something
you do regularly.
Why do you think so many menfeel stuck but don't talk about
it?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Well, it's kind of bizarre.
The idea of feeling stuckusually comes because there's a
lack of clarity in where theywant to go and what they want to
accomplish.
And inside they may know, buton the outside there's a
(01:57):
disconnect between what they'redoing and what they really want
on the inside.
So they're doing things andthey're busy, but what's really
hard is they're caught up in arat race.
Honestly, they're busy butthey're not productive.
And when we talk aboutproductivity, we're talking
about just going in thedirection that they really want
to go inside.
(02:18):
So because of that, they can bevery active, but they still
just feel stuck.
And what does that mean?
Well, it means if you asksomebody, it's like well, I'm
just not getting where I want togo.
They don't necessarily have tobe stationary, but they're
moving, they're working hard andthey're buzzing, but everything
(02:40):
is just out of reach, and it'salways just out of reach.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
So they're stuck.
What I'm hearing you say, rishi, things are out of reach.
But I also heard you say thatthey aren't getting, or what
they're going after, what theyreally want on the inside.
How do those two things playtogether?
I'm not getting what I want onthe inside, but I'm also stuck
on the outside.
Tell me more about how thosetwo things fit together.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
And this is what's very important to teach men so
that we understand how weoperate.
So let me back up a little bit.
Let's talk about two primordialinfluences in our life.
They both have purpose.
They're not bad.
One is fear and one is love.
Okay, Fear has a purpose.
Fear's purpose is to keep usalive.
(03:30):
I mean, think about it Tenyears ago, when you were a
caveman, you'd wake up in themorning.
You walk outside your cave.
The first thing you do beforeyou pick up the paper is you
look around and make surethere's no saber-toothed tiger
there to eat you, because youwant them to stay alive.
So you know, fear has a purpose.
(03:52):
We're always hesitant, negative, because we want to be alive.
And what fear does for us today?
It helps us build the world welive in.
It keeps us safe, the world weall live in.
You know our own little worlds,we're familiar with it, we're
in control of it and we'recontent in it.
And that's what fear does.
(04:14):
Fear teaches us to build ourlimiting beliefs and build up
our walls around us so that wefeel safe and secure in our own
little worlds.
Whether it's for the better orworse, we all build our own
little worlds.
Now love does somethingdifferent.
(04:36):
Love's purpose is to have usgrow.
Herein lies a problem that a lotof us don't know as men.
Fear takes place at asubconscious level.
There's no effort in it,there's no focus.
It's how we exist.
We rarely think about it.
(04:58):
We build habits and routinesand all these types of things
without even thinking about it,just to build our worlds.
Okay, so then here comes, John.
At one point I got these bigwalls around my world and I kind
of look up one day at this vastocean of emptiness out there
and I said, man, I wonder ifthere's something else besides
(05:19):
just this world I live in.
You know, I want to grow.
Well, anything outside thatworld is a threat.
That's how fear looks at it,because he just wants to keep us
alive.
So when we look outside thatworld to see if we can move our
walls out a little bit, fear isgoing to work over time, and
(05:42):
I'll explain how it works.
Fear works over time to keep usin our world.
It's like, don't do that, andit's always subtle little things
we don't think about.
You know, I want to startmaking phone calls like I never
did before for my work Somethingnew.
If it's new, it's outside myworld, so it's a threat.
(06:05):
So I decide I'm going to do it.
At 1 o'clock, this little voiceinside me that I don't even
think about says oh John, youworked so hard this morning, why
don't you do this tomorrow?
What's one day going to matter?
Right, it's not, John, stop.
It's the things to get us toeither do maybe just a little,
(06:25):
but not too much, or do itanother time, because this is
coming up, or this is tooimportant, or maybe you're tired
and you should rest, or thisthing's coming on TV now and it
may not be on again.
You know all these littlethings to stop us from moving
that wall out just a little bit.
And again, it's not bad, it'sprotection, is all it is.
(06:48):
This is how we all function ashuman beings.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
How does it?
Yeah, because it's so important.
Yes, to get outside yourcomfort zone.
We talk about that a lot onthis show and I think that's
what you're saying.
Yes Is like that comfort zone,even if it seems simple, pick up
the phone and make some phonecalls tomorrow, your brain is
like that's not something I wantto do, because there's
(07:13):
something on the other end ofthat that could scare me or harm
me.
Is that fair?
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Yes.
Now how does fear manifest inour lives?
Well, it starts with thefoundation to all of our fear
manifesting.
To understand it is our innercritic.
Who is the inner critic?
He's the one that cuts us down.
Don't do that.
What if these other people arelooking?
What are they going to say?
Don't put that up on socialmedia.
(07:41):
What if someone says somethingnegative about it?
Do you want to deal with that?
I mean, this is the innercritic.
And when we entertain andremember, this is done at a
subconscious level.
We don't consciously thinkabout it.
But when we entertain what theinner critic is saying, it leads
us to self-doubt.
(08:02):
So we doubt ourselves.
If we're doubting ourselves,that's going to lead to
indecisiveness.
Why?
Because we're not going to knowif we're making the right
decision Should I do this orshould I do this?
And when we're indecisive, thatleads right up to being
(08:23):
inconsistent in our actions.
Right Now, here's where the mencome in, jay.
When we're inconsistent in ouractions, success never happens,
because success takes momentumOf doing the same thing over and
over and over.
(08:44):
And when no momentum isdeveloped, you can't have
success.
And we're always working twiceas hard.
Because when you were little,do you remember, at the
playgrounds you had those littlemerry-go-rounds that people
would jump on and you'd push it,that centrifugal force.
I remember when I was a littlekid my friends jumped on it and,
(09:04):
man, I had to take two hands inthat thing, you know, plant my
feet in the ground and justreally push it really hard the
first couple of times around,right, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Yeah, it was a fantastic get it started.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yes, to get it started.
And when we don't developmomentum, we're always pushing
super hard to get somethinggoing.
But success is not hard Success.
I can stand next to that thing,two fingers ping, ping, ping
just to keep it going, becausemomentum has it going already.
But we're always in a startmode because we never develop
(09:42):
the momentum, because of ourinconsistency, because fear is
doing a good job, yes, keepingus alive.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Yeah, and folks, if you're listening, like John does
work with men, but what he'stalking about is true for humans
.
This is everybody.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yes, not just men.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
It's men and women.
It's that struggle of like, oh,I got to work out this morning
and, oh well, I didn't put theclothes out, I didn't put the
shoes out.
You know what?
Tomorrow I'll start.
Tomorrow, tomorrow's the day,tomorrow I'll put the clothes
out.
That'll be the first step.
And so I just want to make itclear, like, yes, this topic is
for men.
You know, we said that at thebeginning, but it's really not.
(10:19):
It's for everybody who'slistening, because we've all
experienced this in our own wayand, john, I think this is why
you're here today is like you'veexperienced this in your own
life, right?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Yeah, for years.
In fact, nobody knows aboutthis.
I mean, well, they do now.
Nobody knew about this.
It was my own little war that Iwas going through On the inside
.
I always felt like a failureinner critic.
I didn't know anything aboutthis at the time.
So I would live my life and Imet my wife, got married, raised
(10:54):
three good kids, but it doesn'tmatter how well I did.
My kids grew up really good.
I made six figures, but itdoesn't matter how good I did or
what I tried to do.
And I built a number ofbusinesses.
I always on the inside andagain, this was my war.
Nobody knew it.
I always felt like a failure.
It's like success was justalways out of my reach.
(11:17):
Other people were successful.
I never was.
No matter how hard I worked, Ialways felt like a failure.
So I never got to enjoy life.
I was always oh man, I wish Icould see, see like the other
people were.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
I never could see myself as successful because I
didn't understand myself and howI operated so what would back
then, or even what does success,look like for somebody who
knows how to handle their innercritic?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Well, first, first, you have to live mindfully so
that you're aware of what'sgoing on.
That's the foundation toeverything.
Without getting into thedetails, you could ask me the
question and I'll answer it.
But when we learn to silencethe inner critic, okay, okay,
now remember, this is just beinghuman, we all have it, we all
(12:11):
deal with it.
The critic will never go away,because it's just part of being
human, because it's how feartries to keep us alive.
Okay, but if we're going togrow, we have to learn to turn
that inner critic into a barelyaudible whisper.
That's what we've got to do.
So if the inner critic is notinfluencing and we're not
(12:33):
entertaining its message anymore, self-doubt has no ability to
grow.
And what can grow in its place?
Well, now we can choose love,just because we science a critic
.
This has to be chosen.
It doesn't happen automatically.
Allowing love is a consciousdecision.
(12:54):
That's where growth takes place.
Because we choose to grow, wecan choose to grow confidence
where self-doubt was.
And when we choose to growconfidence, we don't have to do
anything else.
Indecisiveness will turn bynature into decisiveness.
And when we're decisive now,we're going to be consistent in
(13:20):
our actions.
You don't have to fightinconsistency, we will by nature
, become consistent.
And now, when we're consistent,it's going to start to develop
momentum, and that's how successstarts taking place in our life
.
Whether it's just making apeanut butter and jelly sandwich
(13:43):
or building a multimilliondollar business, everything
works the same.
That is how we succeed.
Then it's just the choice.
We're going to learn.
We're going to make the choiceto grow.
Now we just make the choice.
We're going to make the choiceto grow.
Now we just make the choice.
What do we want to do?
Because the confidence is there, because we've chosen to allow
(14:09):
confidence to grow, and we arekeeping that inner critic at a
low, barely audible whisper.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Okay, so you talked about fear and love and I think
most people know, okay, fear, Iget that.
That's where our limitingbelief comes from and I call
those the contractions of ourlife.
I don't, I shouldn't, I won't,I can't, I wouldn't.
Right, the contractions of ourlife are what limiting beliefs
are.
That's how they start, if folksare wondering what those are.
But then the love piece.
(14:45):
I think people may.
People may hear oh, fear andlove, and think love, I've got
to have.
I have to have love in my life.
But I think you're saying more,you have to.
There's love turned inward toyourself.
Is that fair?
Or let's dive into that alittle bit, because I'm I want
to make sure people understandwhat you mean when you say fear.
Where?
Speaker 1 (14:57):
where, where fear is.
Fear is natural because itkeeps us alive at a subconscious
level.
Okay, love takes time, focusand energy.
What fear doesn't?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Yeah, fear.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
You ever wonder why you naturally gravitate toward
negative stuff?
I mean, a lot of good thingshappen, but when that one tragic
accident happens or that gossipstarts, boy, those ears grow
big.
That's a natural responsebecause fear is negative.
We don't have to think about it, we're just going to gravitate
(15:32):
toward it.
Why do you think all mostpolitical campaigns are negative
?
Because people gravitate bynature toward that stuff Low
energy, no effort.
You know you always hear aboutwe choose the path of least
resistance.
We do.
It's a natural instinct inhumans.
(15:53):
But love is something thattakes work.
Love is something that takeswork.
We have to choose it.
So it takes time, energy andfocus.
Growing is hard work.
It's not easy, yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
So I like to think of it as, like people say, the
difference between simple andeasy right.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Okay, that's a good analogy.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Yeah, it's like growing is easy, but it's not
simple, right, yeah, so it'slike I like to have my folks who
are listening think about it's.
Like we talk about stuff being,oh, this, this thing is easy,
we can make this happen.
That's easy, but it's notalways simple, because it
involves time and energy.
It involves work, which I loveto talk about, bringing those
(16:39):
pieces in, and so I think that'san important distinction to
make for people who arelistening, like the audience is
saying okay, now I get it.
Fear keeps me safe and love isgoing to take time, energy and
work to make it happen, to helpme move forward.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
So you talk a little bit about,too, about reclaiming, helping
(16:59):
people reclaim their purposewith courage and clarity, and I
think that is such an importanttopic for people who are empty
nesting, and for me, emptynesting isn't just a moment in
time, it's your life, from about45 to 65.
That's what I call emptynesting.
Those are the, the, the, the,the, the timeline, if you will,
the timeline, if you will, andthe reclaiming purpose is huge
(17:21):
because parents get so investedin their kids and thinking
that's their purpose.
So tell me more about how youhelp people reclaim their
purpose, because I think it'simportant for people to
understand like this issomething you can do.
You don't have to feel lost atthis stage in life?
Speaker 1 (17:37):
No, and I went through this myself.
I had my journey where you know.
Why am I here, what is mypurpose Through that time of my
life, just like a lot of peopledo and the one thing I try to
teach people now.
People describe this as a lotof different things and I call
it you know.
(17:57):
People describe this as a lotof different things and I call
it.
You know there's a personinside us.
This is not the inner criticnow.
This is the person that we know.
We know our potential, as I cansay.
(18:18):
You know, here, I am in mypresent, right here, but I know
that this is where I can be.
If I want to, maybe I'm here inthe present, but in the future,
this is where I can be.
If I want to, maybe I'm here inthe present, but in the future,
this is where I can be.
I call it world-class self.
This is that part of us thatguides us.
Where do aha moments come from?
That gut instinct?
You hear about that littlevoice in your head, not the
serial killer, but the other onethat guides you a little bit
(18:39):
every day.
That is what I call theworld-class self.
Now, you know, you hear allthese terms depending on
backgrounds.
You know, listen to theuniverse, christianity, the
spirit man.
You know, if you want to takeit to that level, this is the
person that talks directly toGod on your behalf.
(19:00):
That is you, your spirit man.
If you learn to listen to thatperson on the inside, you're
going to learn everything thatyou need to learn.
How do you listen?
Very simple you just become100% honest with yourself.
(19:20):
And when you're honest, this isbetween you and you.
Nobody else will ever know this.
But when you're honest withyourself, you have absolute
clarity.
It's in your self-dishonestythat you can't tell what to do.
But when you're completelyhonest with yourself, you have
(19:45):
absolute clarity and you can askthe questions you need to ask.
And you'll find your answers ifyou listen, sometimes right
away.
Boom.
Sometimes they'll come fromdifferent sources.
You may be watching TV andlistening to a dialogue on TV
and suddenly it's like it's alltalking to you about something.
(20:07):
If you'll just learn to ask thequestions and then I can't see
the answers come right away,because sometimes they don't I'm
trying to find an answer to aquestion.
It could take a week sometimes,but I'll wake up in the morning
and say I asked this questionand I'm looking for this answer.
(20:29):
And, as long as I'm again, thefoundation to everything is just
living mindfully, so that I'maware today, as I'm living my
life, that I did ask thisquestion.
That's still unanswered.
So I'm going to, as I live mylife, I'm going to be aware and
look for that answer.
(20:49):
This is what people talk aboutall the time.
You know, don't try to forcethings.
You know, it's not always aboutdoing.
It's about, you know,vibrations, or just listening to
the universe.
Or you know, pray for somethingand look for God's direction.
This is what it entails andthis is how we learn to find our
(21:15):
answers.
We have everything already andI learned this.
This is what changed my lifearound Everything we have,
everything we want to know andneed we already have.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
Yeah, it's all inside of us?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yes, it's already there.
When I was struggling to findmy answers, I traveled, I went
to different countries.
I thought maybe if I becomeMahatma Gandhi, or maybe if I do
the Mother Teresa thing, I'llfind my purpose.
One day I was sitting in anorphanage in Spanish Town,
(21:51):
jamaica, holding an AIDS baby inmy arms and small little blue
room, and small little blue room.
This little voice inside myhead said this isn't it.
And I had that same thing anumber of times and I said, okay
.
I got distraught again and wentback home and the one thing,
(22:16):
jay, that changed me let me tellyou what it was.
I was watching YouTube and I waswatching a conference that Tony
Robbins was leading and he wasstanding.
I won't draw this way out, buthe was standing in the third row
talking to this gentleman,probably late 20s.
Evidently this gentlemanstruggled with depression his
whole life and as he's lookingat the audience, he says I want
(22:36):
to teach you guys something.
This young man's beenstruggling his whole life and
watch this.
So he instructs the theaudience.
He says I want to teach youguys something.
This young man's beenstruggling his whole life and
watch this.
So he instructs the young man.
He says close your eyes.
And the young man closes hiseyes and he goes okay, I want
you to think First before we doanything.
On the scale of 1 to 10, whereare you in your depression right
now?
10 is the worst, 1 is the bestwhere you don't have the
(22:56):
depression.
One is the worst, one is thebest where you don't have the
depression.
So this young man goes I'm atabout a seven.
And Tony goes okay, keep youreyes closed, I'm going to give
you five seconds.
I want you to think about themost incredible orgasm you ever
had.
You hear this little, you know,laughing in the audience,
chuckle in the audience, yeah,little chuckles.
And you know, five, ten secondsgo by and Tony goes.
(23:18):
Okay, you thinking about it.
And the young man goes yeah,and he goes.
Okay, where are you now on ascale of one to ten?
And he goes man, I'm at a twoand people are going oh, wow,
tony goes.
Okay, everybody, wait, we'renot done yet.
So he goes, he instructs theyoung man about that.
Now I want you to think aboutthe worst experience you have
(23:39):
ever had in depression.
And again, he gives him five to10 seconds.
Everything's quiet.
You could hear a pin drop andTony goes okay, where are you
right now?
And the guy goes man, I'm atabout a nine.
Everything is just still inthat room.
(24:00):
Now Tony talks to the guy for acouple seconds off the mic, guy
sits down, tony goes back up tothe front and, jay, this is what
changed my life.
Tony looks at the audience andhe goes.
I want you guys to understandsomething.
Here you have a young man thatstruggled with depression his
whole life, and right in frontof you he went from a 7 to a 3,
(24:31):
clearing up to a 9 in secondsjust by choice.
And then here's what he said,and this was like an epiphany.
An atom bomb went off inside myhead.
He said everything you want isjust a decision away.
I had traveled and I was lookingfor something and at that
(24:55):
moment the reality of realitiescame that everything that I want
I already have.
So I said I'm going to be happyand I was.
And that was the start of melearning how I operate and
understand as a person.
That changed my life and thisis what I try to teach other
(25:15):
people that everything you wantyou already have.
All you have to do is ask thequestions.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
So good, I love that.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
And you will find your answers.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Yeah, it's all inside of us, right?
You talked about the fear pieceand that's where the inner
critic is born out of and it'sshouts.
But the love piece, it doeswhisper like you are made for
more.
Yeah, and so in this time islike for me, from the people who
listen to the show, theirparents, who are struggling with
emptiness and trying to figureout OK, this is my emptiness,
life is, this is what life isreally like for me, Like I've
(25:51):
got to find a new purpose.
I got to figure this out.
Am I made for more or am I justsitting here waiting for that
engagement in that wedding andgrandkids?
Speaker 2 (26:01):
And that's.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
That's what I try and have people understand is like
you don't wait.
You are made for more.
Don't wait for those things tohappen.
You're in control of everything.
Those other things you're notin control of.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
And usually Jay those answers we've known all along.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
We think about it when we're little.
We're trained by fear to buildour walls, to protect ourselves.
But before that we've had allthese dreams I'm going to be
this, I'm going to do thissomeday.
And as we grow up, what do wethink?
Ah, the silliness of youth.
But that's not the silliness ofyouth.
That's us dreaming already, notunderstanding that fear is
(26:45):
going to keep us alive before wecan grow.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
That's true, oh so true, and it's getting over that
hurdle of being afraid.
So, in this journey foryourself, what's one thing
you've learned about yourself?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
That's a deep question.
That's why I'm taking a secondto answer it.
I just don't want to throwsomething out that I am as good
as everybody else out there.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
I love that John.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I work with people that make millions upon millions
of dollars, and I work withpeople that make hundreds and
tens of thousands of dollars,and one thing I've learned is it
doesn't matter where somebodyis status-wise they struggle
with the exact same thing thatwe all struggle with.
(27:37):
We are all human and it doesn'tmatter.
We all struggle with the samething.
Now, everybody's struggle isdifferent, but the struggles are
the same and we all have thesame problems as people.
It doesn't matter what ourstatus is.
People are people, are people,and we all wrestle with the same
(27:59):
thing.
And I learned that I am as goodor as bad as everybody else.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
And that's such a wonderful realization.
And once you realize that, thenyou can say okay, here's
something that's going tomotivate me when you see
yourself as the same as everyone.
Like this is just human nature.
This is how our brains work.
This is how we've evolved.
We're all the same in thatregard.
Things, monetary things andpersonal things, and cars and
(28:30):
houses and all that like okay,that does some have a separation
for folks.
Like people see that asdifferent, that person's better,
that person's better.
They have more.
No, that's the at the, at thebase.
We're all the same.
We all struggle with the sametwo things.
Is like the getting rid of thefear and falling in love with
ourselves so that we can learnhow to be made for more.
(28:51):
And once you do that, I thinkthat's where you find out.
Here's what's going to motivateme in my life.
So what's the biggest motivatorfor you in life right now?
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Before I answer that, can I, can I bring something up
that you just said I think isreally important for our
audience?
Sure, when you talked aboutfalling in love with yourself, I
think it's important to definethat.
Falling in love with yourselfis just accepting who you are,
because you know we all have thepotential to be.
(29:23):
We all know who we are on theinside and that's who you are,
and once you, once you acceptthat and allow other people to
see that person.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
That's when you know you've loved yourself.
Yes, when you're, when you canshow your when you can be
transparent that this is me thisis who I am.
This is how I live my life,exactly, but I love myself for
how I operate, knowing thateverybody else has the same two
limiting factors in our livesright, the inner, the inner
critic, the self-sabotageeverybody goes to that this is
(29:57):
how I deal with it.
Right, this is, this is how Iam as a human being, and I think
that's, I think that's such agreat point to make so that
people understand.
Yes, it isn't.
You know, you don't love howperhaps you don't have to love
how you look and all the thingsinside, like the core of your
being, like love how you liveyour life.
And if you don't, then there'ssomething holding you back,
(30:21):
those limiting beliefs, thecontractions, the I, the I can't
, I won't, I shouldn't, I don't,I couldn't.
I think that's probably the onethat holds people back the most
.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
I can't, I couldn't do.
That Sounds like you've had alot of experience with that, For
sure.
Speaker 3 (30:37):
For sure and that's why I do, that's why I have this
show is I want to help peoplelive their best emptiness life
and that's why I've lovedtalking to you today, because
it's that whole feeling of howdo we get people to understand
you can break the silence, youdon't have to feel stuck, and
particularly men and while thistopic is, you know we've talked
a lot about helping men get overthat hurdle I think the next
(31:00):
thing for us to talk about anddive into here for a few more
minutes is what's been the mostdefining moment in your life
over the past 12 months, basedupon the work you learned sure
um learning, learning how tohelp people see who they are and
bring the ideas in their headto life.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
It's that whole idea of success.
You know we have desires anddreams and ambitions.
Everything's up here.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
Yep right in our brains.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah, how do you take this picture you have in here
and bring it so that you'reliterally living it?
Like you see it, this is what Ihave over the last year I don't
want to say perfected, butpretty much almost have.
I mean, I do it in my own life.
I choose what I want and Ibring it to life.
(31:57):
And this is what I do withothers now.
I get to know them, I get tounderstand what they want and I
teach them how to bring to lifewhat they want, just like I have
done in my own life and Icontinue to do.
I have dreams and ambitions andthings I haven't done yet that
(32:21):
I'm planning to do.
That I'm planning to do andslowly making the steps and
fighting the good fight.
My biggest battle, remember,we're all human, so it's not
about getting rid of something,it's learning to manage
something Love that.
My inner critic is probably theloudest at 2 o'clock in the
(32:42):
morning.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
It wakes you up in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
Yeah, that's when I'm trying to rest and I'm most
vulnerable.
So if I ever have to wrestlewith something, it's usually in
the middle of the night, wheresomething will get louder and I
go okay, go sit on the couch,watch the Munsters, I'll make
you some pizza.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
And I got to sleep, sleep, leave me alone.
Yeah, it's an important pointtoo about how our subconscious
works at night, and you said youknow our brain likes to answer
questions and so that if you askit a question at night that you
want an answer to, it's goingto go to work yes.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Unfortunately, sometimes.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
Unfortunately sometimes, but also fortunately
sometimes, because you know inthe morning or the next morning
or the day after you'll wake upwith the answer that you've been
searching for.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Oh, aha moments.
I remember those.
Write them down, people Writethem down.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Definitely, definitely, john, before I let
you go.
Definitely, john, before I letyou go.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
I'm curious what's your life motto, my life motto?
Do you want it from mystandpoint, just for me, or what
I do, or what I do with others?
Speaker 3 (34:03):
Yeah, just for you as a human living in this world
and all the things you'velearned about yourself through
your journey, I'm sure you'velanded on the life motto Sure.
What is it?
My life motto is live what'simportant to me.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Live what's important to me, and that means, you know
, I've got.
I've got people in my life andI know the relationship I want
to build with them, whether it'sgrandkids or somebody else.
You know I know the things Iwant to do.
I love what I do all the time Iwake up.
Today is the only day that Ihave that.
I know I'm alive right now.
So I live today and I'm in themoment.
(34:43):
I know.
You know this time together ismeaningful to me and I'm aware
of that.
It's not just something I'mdoing in the middle of the day.
This is very important to meand when this is over, there'll
be other things that I'll bedoing that will be important to
me because I only have now.
(35:03):
So, even though I dream andplan for the future, I'm never,
I'm never not aware of.
I'm living right now andappreciating the connections and
, you know, the conversationlike we're having right now.
Speaker 3 (35:22):
This is, this is really important to me, um,
because it's all I have yeah,this moment in time, yes, most
important moment in time,because we're not guaranteed
what comes next, which I thinkis why it's so important for
people living in this emptinesslife is to don't wait, that's
(35:43):
right, because there is there isnothing but now I love because
there is nothing but now.
I love that there is nothingbut now.
That could become the title ofthe episode.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Yes, you can enjoy now.
You're not going to enjoy afuture because there is no
future.
You're going to continue notenjoying now.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
Love it and I've thoroughly enjoyed now having
this conversation with you,because it is such an important
one, not just for the men in mylisteners lives, but for them as
well, to understand how we getunstuck, and especially as the
kids leave home and move on.
Everything we talked aboutapplies folks.
This is not just helping menget unstuck and being more
(36:23):
successful in their business orstarting a company or anything
like that.
Everything that John and I havetalked about today works for
you today, in this moment, foranything that you want to do.
John, it's been a pleasurehaving you on the show.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Thanks, jay, I had a really good time talking.
That was neat.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
Are you ready to start living and enjoying your
empty nest years?
If so, head over tojasonramsdencom and click work
with me to get the conversationstarted.
This Empty Nest Life is aproduction of Impact.
One Media LLC.
All rights reserved.
Critic will never go away, because it's just part of
being human, because it's howfear tries to keep us alive.
But if we're going to grow, wehave to learn to turn that inner
critic into a barely audiblewhisper.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Welcome to this Empty Nest Life.
Join Jay Ramsden as he leadsyou on a transformative journey
through the uncharted seas ofmidlife and empty nesting.
If you're ready to embark onthis new adventure and redefine
your future, you're in the rightplace.
Here's your host, the EmptyNest Coach, Jay Ramston.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Hey there, my Empty Nest.
Friends, on today's episodewe're digging into an important
topic for the men in your life,whether that's your partner,
your son, your brother, your dador even yourself.
We're digging into why so manymen feel stuck but don't want to
talk about it.
My friends, if you know, youknow, join me in this
conversation is John Milant, whohelps men struggling with
(00:55):
self-doubt, battling their innercritic, and those always
seeming to be struggling withinaction in their lives.
John, welcome to this EmptinessLife.
Thank you very much.
So good to see you.
I'm curious.
I think June was Men's MentalHealth Month.
And so folks you know, get intothat and start sharing
(01:16):
information about it.
And we hear a lot of peoplesaying well, you know the man in
my life doesn't, or my.
You know my dad, my brother, myuncle, my cousin, whoever it
may be, they don doesn't.
Or my dad, my brother, my uncle, whoever it may be, they don't
talk about feelings and feelingstuck.
But why do you think in yourexperience, this is something
you do regularly.
Why do you think so many menfeel stuck but don't talk about
it?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Well, it's kind of bizarre.
The idea of feeling stuckusually comes because there's a
lack of clarity in where theywant to go and what they want to
accomplish.
And inside they may know, buton the outside there's a
(01:57):
disconnect between what they'redoing and what they really want
on the inside.
So they're doing things andthey're busy, but what's really
hard is they're caught up in arat race.
Honestly, they're busy butthey're not productive.
And when we talk aboutproductivity, we're talking
about just going in thedirection that they really want
to go inside.
(02:18):
So because of that, they can bevery active, but they still
just feel stuck.
And what does that mean?
Well, it means if you asksomebody, it's like well, I'm
just not getting where I want togo.
They don't necessarily have tobe stationary, but they're
moving, they're working hard andthey're buzzing, but everything
(02:40):
is just out of reach, and it'salways just out of reach.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
So they're stuck.
What I'm hearing you say, rishi, things are out of reach.
But I also heard you say thatthey aren't getting, or what
they're going after, what theyreally want on the inside.
How do those two things playtogether?
I'm not getting what I want onthe inside, but I'm also stuck
on the outside.
Tell me more about how thosetwo things fit together.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
And this is what's very important to teach men so
that we understand how weoperate.
So let me back up a little bit.
Let's talk about two primordialinfluences in our life.
They both have purpose.
They're not bad.
One is fear and one is love.
Okay, Fear has a purpose.
Fear's purpose is to keep usalive.
(03:30):
I mean, think about it Tenyears ago, when you were a
caveman, you'd wake up in themorning.
You walk outside your cave.
The first thing you do beforeyou pick up the paper is you
look around and make surethere's no saber-toothed tiger
there to eat you, because youwant them to stay alive.
So you know, fear has a purpose.
(03:52):
We're always hesitant, negative, because we want to be alive.
And what fear does for us today?
It helps us build the world welive in.
It keeps us safe, the world weall live in.
You know our own little worlds,we're familiar with it, we're
in control of it and we'recontent in it.
And that's what fear does.
(04:14):
Fear teaches us to build ourlimiting beliefs and build up
our walls around us so that wefeel safe and secure in our own
little worlds.
Whether it's for the better orworse, we all build our own
little worlds.
Now love does somethingdifferent.
(04:36):
Love's purpose is to have usgrow.
Herein lies a problem that a lotof us don't know as men.
Fear takes place at asubconscious level.
There's no effort in it,there's no focus.
It's how we exist.
We rarely think about it.
(04:58):
We build habits and routinesand all these types of things
without even thinking about it,just to build our worlds.
Okay, so then here comes, John.
At one point I got these bigwalls around my world and I kind
of look up one day at this vastocean of emptiness out there
and I said, man, I wonder ifthere's something else besides
(05:19):
just this world I live in.
You know, I want to grow.
Well, anything outside thatworld is a threat.
That's how fear looks at it,because he just wants to keep us
alive.
So when we look outside thatworld to see if we can move our
walls out a little bit, fear isgoing to work over time, and
(05:42):
I'll explain how it works.
Fear works over time to keep usin our world.
It's like, don't do that, andit's always subtle little things
we don't think about.
You know, I want to startmaking phone calls like I never
did before for my work Somethingnew.
If it's new, it's outside myworld, so it's a threat.
(06:05):
So I decide I'm going to do it.
At 1 o'clock, this little voiceinside me that I don't even
think about says oh John, youworked so hard this morning, why
don't you do this tomorrow?
What's one day going to matter?
Right, it's not, John, stop.
It's the things to get us toeither do maybe just a little,
(06:25):
but not too much, or do itanother time, because this is
coming up, or this is tooimportant, or maybe you're tired
and you should rest, or thisthing's coming on TV now and it
may not be on again.
You know all these littlethings to stop us from moving
that wall out just a little bit.
And again, it's not bad, it'sprotection, is all it is.
(06:48):
This is how we all function ashuman beings.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
How does it?
Yeah, because it's so important.
Yes, to get outside yourcomfort zone.
We talk about that a lot onthis show and I think that's
what you're saying.
Yes Is like that comfort zone,even if it seems simple, pick up
the phone and make some phonecalls tomorrow, your brain is
like that's not something I wantto do, because there's
(07:13):
something on the other end ofthat that could scare me or harm
me.
Is that fair?
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Yes.
Now how does fear manifest inour lives?
Well, it starts with thefoundation to all of our fear
manifesting.
To understand it is our innercritic.
Who is the inner critic?
He's the one that cuts us down.
Don't do that.
What if these other people arelooking?
What are they going to say?
Don't put that up on socialmedia.
(07:41):
What if someone says somethingnegative about it?
Do you want to deal with that?
I mean, this is the innercritic.
And when we entertain andremember, this is done at a
subconscious level.
We don't consciously thinkabout it.
But when we entertain what theinner critic is saying, it leads
us to self-doubt.
(08:02):
So we doubt ourselves.
If we're doubting ourselves,that's going to lead to
indecisiveness.
Why?
Because we're not going to knowif we're making the right
decision Should I do this orshould I do this?
And when we're indecisive, thatleads right up to being
(08:23):
inconsistent in our actions.
Right Now, here's where the mencome in, jay.
When we're inconsistent in ouractions, success never happens,
because success takes momentumOf doing the same thing over and
over and over.
(08:44):
And when no momentum isdeveloped, you can't have
success.
And we're always working twiceas hard.
Because when you were little,do you remember, at the
playgrounds you had those littlemerry-go-rounds that people
would jump on and you'd push it,that centrifugal force.
I remember when I was a littlekid my friends jumped on it and,
(09:04):
man, I had to take two hands inthat thing, you know, plant my
feet in the ground and justreally push it really hard the
first couple of times around,right, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Yeah, it was a fantastic get it started.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yes, to get it started.
And when we don't developmomentum, we're always pushing
super hard to get somethinggoing.
But success is not hard Success.
I can stand next to that thing,two fingers ping, ping, ping
just to keep it going, becausemomentum has it going already.
But we're always in a startmode because we never develop
(09:42):
the momentum, because of ourinconsistency, because fear is
doing a good job, yes, keepingus alive.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Yeah, and folks, if you're listening, like John does
work with men, but what he'stalking about is true for humans
.
This is everybody.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yes, not just men.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
It's men and women.
It's that struggle of like, oh,I got to work out this morning
and, oh well, I didn't put theclothes out, I didn't put the
shoes out.
You know what?
Tomorrow I'll start.
Tomorrow, tomorrow's the day,tomorrow I'll put the clothes
out.
That'll be the first step.
And so I just want to make itclear, like, yes, this topic is
for men.
You know, we said that at thebeginning, but it's really not.
(10:19):
It's for everybody who'slistening, because we've all
experienced this in our own wayand, john, I think this is why
you're here today is like you'veexperienced this in your own
life, right?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Yeah, for years.
In fact, nobody knows aboutthis.
I mean, well, they do now.
Nobody knew about this.
It was my own little war that Iwas going through On the inside
.
I always felt like a failureinner critic.
I didn't know anything aboutthis at the time.
So I would live my life and Imet my wife, got married, raised
(10:54):
three good kids, but it doesn'tmatter how well I did.
My kids grew up really good.
I made six figures, but itdoesn't matter how good I did or
what I tried to do.
And I built a number ofbusinesses.
I always on the inside andagain, this was my war.
Nobody knew it.
I always felt like a failure.
It's like success was justalways out of my reach.
(11:17):
Other people were successful.
I never was.
No matter how hard I worked, Ialways felt like a failure.
So I never got to enjoy life.
I was always oh man, I wish Icould see, see like the other
people were.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
I never could see myself as successful because I
didn't understand myself and howI operated so what would back
then, or even what does success,look like for somebody who
knows how to handle their innercritic?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Well, first, first, you have to live mindfully so
that you're aware of what'sgoing on.
That's the foundation toeverything.
Without getting into thedetails, you could ask me the
question and I'll answer it.
But when we learn to silencethe inner critic, okay, okay,
now remember, this is just beinghuman, we all have it, we all
(12:11):
deal with it.
The critic will never go away,because it's just part of being
human, because it's how feartries to keep us alive.
Okay, but if we're going togrow, we have to learn to turn
that inner critic into a barelyaudible whisper.
That's what we've got to do.
So if the inner critic is notinfluencing and we're not
(12:33):
entertaining its message anymore, self-doubt has no ability to
grow.
And what can grow in its place?
Well, now we can choose love,just because we science a critic
.
This has to be chosen.
It doesn't happen automatically.
Allowing love is a consciousdecision.
(12:54):
That's where growth takes place.
Because we choose to grow, wecan choose to grow confidence
where self-doubt was.
And when we choose to growconfidence, we don't have to do
anything else.
Indecisiveness will turn bynature into decisiveness.
And when we're decisive now,we're going to be consistent in
(13:20):
our actions.
You don't have to fightinconsistency, we will by nature
, become consistent.
And now, when we're consistent,it's going to start to develop
momentum, and that's how successstarts taking place in our life
.
Whether it's just making apeanut butter and jelly sandwich
(13:43):
or building a multimilliondollar business, everything
works the same.
That is how we succeed.
Then it's just the choice.
We're going to learn.
We're going to make the choiceto grow.
Now we just make the choice.
We're going to make the choiceto grow.
Now we just make the choice.
What do we want to do?
Because the confidence is there, because we've chosen to allow
(14:09):
confidence to grow, and we arekeeping that inner critic at a
low, barely audible whisper.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Okay, so you talked about fear and love and I think
most people know, okay, fear, Iget that.
That's where our limitingbelief comes from and I call
those the contractions of ourlife.
I don't, I shouldn't, I won't,I can't, I wouldn't.
Right, the contractions of ourlife are what limiting beliefs
are.
That's how they start, if folksare wondering what those are.
But then the love piece.
(14:45):
I think people may.
People may hear oh, fear andlove, and think love, I've got
to have.
I have to have love in my life.
But I think you're saying more,you have to.
There's love turned inward toyourself.
Is that fair?
Or let's dive into that alittle bit, because I'm I want
to make sure people understandwhat you mean when you say fear.
Where?
Speaker 1 (14:57):
where, where fear is.
Fear is natural because itkeeps us alive at a subconscious
level.
Okay, love takes time, focusand energy.
What fear doesn't?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Yeah, fear.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
You ever wonder why you naturally gravitate toward
negative stuff?
I mean, a lot of good thingshappen, but when that one tragic
accident happens or that gossipstarts, boy, those ears grow
big.
That's a natural responsebecause fear is negative.
We don't have to think about it, we're just going to gravitate
(15:32):
toward it.
Why do you think all mostpolitical campaigns are negative
?
Because people gravitate bynature toward that stuff Low
energy, no effort.
You know you always hear aboutwe choose the path of least
resistance.
We do.
It's a natural instinct inhumans.
(15:53):
But love is something thattakes work.
Love is something that takeswork.
We have to choose it.
So it takes time, energy andfocus.
Growing is hard work.
It's not easy, yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
So I like to think of it as, like people say, the
difference between simple andeasy right.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Okay, that's a good analogy.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Yeah, it's like growing is easy, but it's not
simple, right, yeah, so it'slike I like to have my folks who
are listening think about it's.
Like we talk about stuff being,oh, this, this thing is easy,
we can make this happen.
That's easy, but it's notalways simple, because it
involves time and energy.
It involves work, which I loveto talk about, bringing those
(16:39):
pieces in, and so I think that'san important distinction to
make for people who arelistening, like the audience is
saying okay, now I get it.
Fear keeps me safe and love isgoing to take time, energy and
work to make it happen, to helpme move forward.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
So you talk a little bit about,too, about reclaiming, helping
(16:59):
people reclaim their purposewith courage and clarity, and I
think that is such an importanttopic for people who are empty
nesting, and for me, emptynesting isn't just a moment in
time, it's your life, from about45 to 65.
That's what I call emptynesting.
Those are the, the, the, the,the, the timeline, if you will,
the timeline, if you will, andthe reclaiming purpose is huge
(17:21):
because parents get so investedin their kids and thinking
that's their purpose.
So tell me more about how youhelp people reclaim their
purpose, because I think it'simportant for people to
understand like this issomething you can do.
You don't have to feel lost atthis stage in life?
Speaker 1 (17:37):
No, and I went through this myself.
I had my journey where you know.
Why am I here, what is mypurpose Through that time of my
life, just like a lot of peopledo and the one thing I try to
teach people now.
People describe this as a lotof different things and I call
it you know.
(17:57):
People describe this as a lotof different things and I call
it.
You know there's a personinside us.
This is not the inner criticnow.
This is the person that we know.
We know our potential, as I cansay.
(18:18):
You know, here, I am in mypresent, right here, but I know
that this is where I can be.
If I want to, maybe I'm here inthe present, but in the future,
this is where I can be.
If I want to, maybe I'm here inthe present, but in the future,
this is where I can be.
I call it world-class self.
This is that part of us thatguides us.
Where do aha moments come from?
That gut instinct?
You hear about that littlevoice in your head, not the
serial killer, but the other onethat guides you a little bit
(18:39):
every day.
That is what I call theworld-class self.
Now, you know, you hear allthese terms depending on
backgrounds.
You know, listen to theuniverse, christianity, the
spirit man.
You know, if you want to takeit to that level, this is the
person that talks directly toGod on your behalf.
(19:00):
That is you, your spirit man.
If you learn to listen to thatperson on the inside, you're
going to learn everything thatyou need to learn.
How do you listen?
Very simple you just become100% honest with yourself.
(19:20):
And when you're honest, this isbetween you and you.
Nobody else will ever know this.
But when you're honest withyourself, you have absolute
clarity.
It's in your self-dishonestythat you can't tell what to do.
But when you're completelyhonest with yourself, you have
(19:45):
absolute clarity and you can askthe questions you need to ask.
And you'll find your answers ifyou listen, sometimes right
away.
Boom.
Sometimes they'll come fromdifferent sources.
You may be watching TV andlistening to a dialogue on TV
and suddenly it's like it's alltalking to you about something.
(20:07):
If you'll just learn to ask thequestions and then I can't see
the answers come right away,because sometimes they don't I'm
trying to find an answer to aquestion.
It could take a week sometimes,but I'll wake up in the morning
and say I asked this questionand I'm looking for this answer.
(20:29):
And, as long as I'm again, thefoundation to everything is just
living mindfully, so that I'maware today, as I'm living my
life, that I did ask thisquestion.
That's still unanswered.
So I'm going to, as I live mylife, I'm going to be aware and
look for that answer.
(20:49):
This is what people talk aboutall the time.
You know, don't try to forcethings.
You know, it's not always aboutdoing.
It's about, you know,vibrations, or just listening to
the universe.
Or you know, pray for somethingand look for God's direction.
This is what it entails andthis is how we learn to find our
(21:15):
answers.
We have everything already andI learned this.
This is what changed my lifearound Everything we have,
everything we want to know andneed we already have.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
Yeah, it's all inside of us?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yes, it's already there.
When I was struggling to findmy answers, I traveled, I went
to different countries.
I thought maybe if I becomeMahatma Gandhi, or maybe if I do
the Mother Teresa thing, I'llfind my purpose.
One day I was sitting in anorphanage in Spanish Town,
(21:51):
jamaica, holding an AIDS baby inmy arms and small little blue
room, and small little blue room.
This little voice inside myhead said this isn't it.
And I had that same thing anumber of times and I said, okay
.
I got distraught again and wentback home and the one thing,
(22:16):
jay, that changed me let me tellyou what it was.
I was watching YouTube and I waswatching a conference that Tony
Robbins was leading and he wasstanding.
I won't draw this way out, buthe was standing in the third row
talking to this gentleman,probably late 20s.
Evidently this gentlemanstruggled with depression his
whole life and as he's lookingat the audience, he says I want
(22:36):
to teach you guys something.
This young man's beenstruggling his whole life and
watch this.
So he instructs the theaudience.
He says I want to teach youguys something.
This young man's beenstruggling his whole life and
watch this.
So he instructs the young man.
He says close your eyes.
And the young man closes hiseyes and he goes okay, I want
you to think First before we doanything.
On the scale of 1 to 10, whereare you in your depression right
now?
10 is the worst, 1 is the bestwhere you don't have the
(22:56):
depression.
One is the worst, one is thebest where you don't have the
depression.
So this young man goes I'm atabout a seven.
And Tony goes okay, keep youreyes closed, I'm going to give
you five seconds.
I want you to think about themost incredible orgasm you ever
had.
You hear this little, you know,laughing in the audience,
chuckle in the audience, yeah,little chuckles.
And you know, five, ten secondsgo by and Tony goes.
(23:18):
Okay, you thinking about it.
And the young man goes yeah,and he goes.
Okay, where are you now on ascale of one to ten?
And he goes man, I'm at a twoand people are going oh, wow,
tony goes.
Okay, everybody, wait, we'renot done yet.
So he goes, he instructs theyoung man about that.
Now I want you to think aboutthe worst experience you have
(23:39):
ever had in depression.
And again, he gives him five to10 seconds.
Everything's quiet.
You could hear a pin drop andTony goes okay, where are you
right now?
And the guy goes man, I'm atabout a nine.
Everything is just still inthat room.
(24:00):
Now Tony talks to the guy for acouple seconds off the mic, guy
sits down, tony goes back up tothe front and, jay, this is what
changed my life.
Tony looks at the audience andhe goes.
I want you guys to understandsomething.
Here you have a young man thatstruggled with depression his
whole life, and right in frontof you he went from a 7 to a 3,
(24:31):
clearing up to a 9 in secondsjust by choice.
And then here's what he said,and this was like an epiphany.
An atom bomb went off inside myhead.
He said everything you want isjust a decision away.
I had traveled and I was lookingfor something and at that
(24:55):
moment the reality of realitiescame that everything that I want
I already have.
So I said I'm going to be happyand I was.
And that was the start of melearning how I operate and
understand as a person.
That changed my life and thisis what I try to teach other
(25:15):
people that everything you wantyou already have.
All you have to do is ask thequestions.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
So good, I love that.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
And you will find your answers.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Yeah, it's all inside of us, right?
You talked about the fear pieceand that's where the inner
critic is born out of and it'sshouts.
But the love piece, it doeswhisper like you are made for
more.
Yeah, and so in this time islike for me, from the people who
listen to the show, theirparents, who are struggling with
emptiness and trying to figureout OK, this is my emptiness,
life is, this is what life isreally like for me, Like I've
(25:51):
got to find a new purpose.
I got to figure this out.
Am I made for more or am I justsitting here waiting for that
engagement in that wedding andgrandkids?
Speaker 2 (26:01):
And that's.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
That's what I try and have people understand is like
you don't wait.
You are made for more.
Don't wait for those things tohappen.
You're in control of everything.
Those other things you're notin control of.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
And usually Jay those answers we've known all along.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
We think about it when we're little.
We're trained by fear to buildour walls, to protect ourselves.
But before that we've had allthese dreams I'm going to be
this, I'm going to do thissomeday.
And as we grow up, what do wethink?
Ah, the silliness of youth.
But that's not the silliness ofyouth.
That's us dreaming already, notunderstanding that fear is
(26:45):
going to keep us alive before wecan grow.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
That's true, oh so true, and it's getting over that
hurdle of being afraid.
So, in this journey foryourself, what's one thing
you've learned about yourself?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
That's a deep question.
That's why I'm taking a secondto answer it.
I just don't want to throwsomething out that I am as good
as everybody else out there.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
I love that John.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I work with people that make millions upon millions
of dollars, and I work withpeople that make hundreds and
tens of thousands of dollars,and one thing I've learned is it
doesn't matter where somebodyis status-wise they struggle
with the exact same thing thatwe all struggle with.
(27:37):
We are all human and it doesn'tmatter.
We all struggle with the samething.
Now, everybody's struggle isdifferent, but the struggles are
the same and we all have thesame problems as people.
It doesn't matter what ourstatus is.
People are people, are people,and we all wrestle with the same
(27:59):
thing.
And I learned that I am as goodor as bad as everybody else.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
And that's such a wonderful realization.
And once you realize that, thenyou can say okay, here's
something that's going tomotivate me when you see
yourself as the same as everyone.
Like this is just human nature.
This is how our brains work.
This is how we've evolved.
We're all the same in thatregard.
Things, monetary things andpersonal things, and cars and
(28:30):
houses and all that like okay,that does some have a separation
for folks.
Like people see that asdifferent, that person's better,
that person's better.
They have more.
No, that's the at the, at thebase.
We're all the same.
We all struggle with the sametwo things.
Is like the getting rid of thefear and falling in love with
ourselves so that we can learnhow to be made for more.
(28:51):
And once you do that, I thinkthat's where you find out.
Here's what's going to motivateme in my life.
So what's the biggest motivatorfor you in life right now?
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Before I answer that, can I, can I bring something up
that you just said I think isreally important for our
audience?
Sure, when you talked aboutfalling in love with yourself, I
think it's important to definethat.
Falling in love with yourselfis just accepting who you are,
because you know we all have thepotential to be.
(29:23):
We all know who we are on theinside and that's who you are,
and once you, once you acceptthat and allow other people to
see that person.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
That's when you know you've loved yourself.
Yes, when you're, when you canshow your when you can be
transparent that this is me thisis who I am.
This is how I live my life,exactly, but I love myself for
how I operate, knowing thateverybody else has the same two
limiting factors in our livesright, the inner, the inner
critic, the self-sabotageeverybody goes to that this is
(29:57):
how I deal with it.
Right, this is, this is how Iam as a human being, and I think
that's, I think that's such agreat point to make so that
people understand.
Yes, it isn't.
You know, you don't love howperhaps you don't have to love
how you look and all the thingsinside, like the core of your
being, like love how you liveyour life.
And if you don't, then there'ssomething holding you back,
(30:21):
those limiting beliefs, thecontractions, the I, the I can't
, I won't, I shouldn't, I don't,I couldn't.
I think that's probably the onethat holds people back the most
.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
I can't, I couldn't do.
That Sounds like you've had alot of experience with that, For
sure.
Speaker 3 (30:37):
For sure and that's why I do, that's why I have this
show is I want to help peoplelive their best emptiness life
and that's why I've lovedtalking to you today, because
it's that whole feeling of howdo we get people to understand
you can break the silence, youdon't have to feel stuck, and
particularly men and while thistopic is, you know we've talked
a lot about helping men get overthat hurdle I think the next
(31:00):
thing for us to talk about anddive into here for a few more
minutes is what's been the mostdefining moment in your life
over the past 12 months, basedupon the work you learned sure
um learning, learning how tohelp people see who they are and
bring the ideas in their headto life.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
It's that whole idea of success.
You know we have desires anddreams and ambitions.
Everything's up here.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
Yep right in our brains.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah, how do you take this picture you have in here
and bring it so that you'reliterally living it?
Like you see it, this is what Ihave over the last year I don't
want to say perfected, butpretty much almost have.
I mean, I do it in my own life.
I choose what I want and Ibring it to life.
(31:57):
And this is what I do withothers now.
I get to know them, I get tounderstand what they want and I
teach them how to bring to lifewhat they want, just like I have
done in my own life and Icontinue to do.
I have dreams and ambitions andthings I haven't done yet that
(32:21):
I'm planning to do.
That I'm planning to do andslowly making the steps and
fighting the good fight.
My biggest battle, remember,we're all human, so it's not
about getting rid of something,it's learning to manage
something Love that.
My inner critic is probably theloudest at 2 o'clock in the
(32:42):
morning.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
It wakes you up in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
Yeah, that's when I'm trying to rest and I'm most
vulnerable.
So if I ever have to wrestlewith something, it's usually in
the middle of the night, wheresomething will get louder and I
go okay, go sit on the couch,watch the Munsters, I'll make
you some pizza.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
And I got to sleep, sleep, leave me alone.
Yeah, it's an important pointtoo about how our subconscious
works at night, and you said youknow our brain likes to answer
questions and so that if you askit a question at night that you
want an answer to, it's goingto go to work yes.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Unfortunately, sometimes.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
Unfortunately sometimes, but also fortunately
sometimes, because you know inthe morning or the next morning
or the day after you'll wake upwith the answer that you've been
searching for.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Oh, aha moments.
I remember those.
Write them down, people Writethem down.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Definitely, definitely, john, before I let
you go.
Definitely, john, before I letyou go.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
I'm curious what's your life motto, my life motto?
Do you want it from mystandpoint, just for me, or what
I do, or what I do with others?
Speaker 3 (34:03):
Yeah, just for you as a human living in this world
and all the things you'velearned about yourself through
your journey, I'm sure you'velanded on the life motto Sure.
What is it?
My life motto is live what'simportant to me.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Live what's important to me, and that means, you know
, I've got.
I've got people in my life andI know the relationship I want
to build with them, whether it'sgrandkids or somebody else.
You know I know the things Iwant to do.
I love what I do all the time Iwake up.
Today is the only day that Ihave that.
I know I'm alive right now.
So I live today and I'm in themoment.
(34:43):
I know.
You know this time together ismeaningful to me and I'm aware
of that.
It's not just something I'mdoing in the middle of the day.
This is very important to meand when this is over, there'll
be other things that I'll bedoing that will be important to
me because I only have now.
(35:03):
So, even though I dream andplan for the future, I'm never,
I'm never not aware of.
I'm living right now andappreciating the connections and
, you know, the conversationlike we're having right now.
Speaker 3 (35:22):
This is, this is really important to me, um,
because it's all I have yeah,this moment in time, yes, most
important moment in time,because we're not guaranteed
what comes next, which I thinkis why it's so important for
people living in this emptinesslife is to don't wait, that's
(35:43):
right, because there is there isnothing but now I love because
there is nothing but now.
I love that there is nothingbut now.
That could become the title ofthe episode.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Yes, you can enjoy now.
You're not going to enjoy afuture because there is no
future.
You're going to continue notenjoying now.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
Love it and I've thoroughly enjoyed now having
this conversation with you,because it is such an important
one, not just for the men in mylisteners lives, but for them as
well, to understand how we getunstuck, and especially as the
kids leave home and move on.
Everything we talked aboutapplies folks.
This is not just helping menget unstuck and being more
(36:23):
successful in their business orstarting a company or anything
like that.
Everything that John and I havetalked about today works for
you today, in this moment, foranything that you want to do.
John, it's been a pleasurehaving you on the show.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Thanks, jay, I had a really good time talking.
That was neat.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
Are you ready to start living and enjoying your
empty nest years?
If so, head over tojasonramsdencom and click work
with me to get the conversationstarted.
This Empty Nest Life is aproduction of Impact.
One Media LLC.
All rights reserved.
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