20. Letting Go and Moving On

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We all struggle with knowing whether or not it is time to let go and move on from a relationship. Whether that relationship is work related, a friendship or a romantic one, the anxiety, fear and doubt about how to move forward can often be crippling because we often do not recognize the signs.

In today’s episode, host Jason Ramsden explores the behaviors and signs in our lives that signal it is time to let go and move on and also shares some tips around mindfulness and meditation that can help you be the best you possible.

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It’s Time to Let Go and Move On When You Experience These 21 Things by Royale Scuderi (lifehack.org)

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leading a more positive andintentional life. And this show
details my journey by sharing mylearning stories and
conversations with guests. Ifyou want to lead a more
intentional life, focus on beingthe best you possible. Please
subscribe today. Now, let's getinto today's episode. Well,
hello, my positivity posse. Andwelcome back for another episode

(00:24):
of positivity on fire. I'm yourhost, Jason Ramsden. And I just
want to say good morning, goodafternoon, good evening,
whatever you're up to whateveryou're doing, welcome to the
show. In today's episode, we'retalking about letting go and
moving on. And this may havebeen on my mind for a little
bit, because coming up on thatlife change I've been talking

(00:44):
about here, and getting ready tomake a big move at the end of
June, but really only have about30 days left of being in the
office at my current job. Sothings are starting to get real
for me in terms of change. Andas many of you know, if you
listen here regularly, it's anexciting change for my family

(01:05):
and I and my wife is is gettinga promotion, taking on a big new
role. And I'm going to becontinuing to do what I love
here in this podcast, and alsolaunching a coaching practice.
And so there's exciting thingsahead for us. But as I started
to think more about letting goand moving on, I thought, you
know what, not everybody is in agood spot, or an enviable spot,

(01:29):
like my family, were letting goand moving on is actually a good
thing for us. And there's no illwill hard feelings. We actually
love where we've been the last18 years, it's just time for a
new adventure. But there arelots of people who struggle with
letting go and moving on. Andwhether that happens to be in

(01:49):
work situations, or professionalrelationships, or friendships or
romantic relationships. It's noteasy, right? It's not easy to
let go and then move on. And alot of times we're sitting here
thinking, it's it's really aboutthe difference between self
preservation, and perseverance.
While it usually seems prettyeasy for us to give advice to

(02:11):
other people about this, it'seasy to point out to somebody
else that they need to let goand move on. It's incredibly
difficult for us to see that inourselves and to be able to do
what is necessary to move on. SoI thought, why don't I find the
research here? Why don't I dothe work for for you, and find

(02:31):
an article that can really speakto lots of different situations.
And we'll tackle some of those.
And just give it someconsideration here. So let's go
and watch this a little bit.
Like the topic of, you know,it's time to let go and move on
when So number one, when youfeel disrespected, or unheard,

(02:53):
every single human being has aneed to be respected and
listened to, if that's nothappening in the relationship
that you're in, and whateverkind of relationship that that
is either personal orprofessional. If you feel like
the person on the other end ofthe relationship consistently
disrespects you, consistentlyundermines you, and consistently

(03:17):
does not listen to what you haveto say or what your input is, it
is time to move on. And this maybe the most difficult one to
even see in ourselves. And this,this falls under the
perseverance side. Because let'ssay it's a work situation, we
want to do a good job, we wantto be able to be seen as a
valuable contributor to the workthat we do. And we'll push

(03:40):
through, we'll push throughhoping that the person on the
other end will hear us willunderstand where we're coming
from, we'll understand the valuethat we bring to the
organization. And so I thinkthat this particular one makes a
little bit more difficult forpeople. Because you don't want
to give up, you don't want tostop working hard, because you

(04:02):
believe in what you do. Butthere has to be a tipping point
when you realize that what I'mdoing is the equivalent of
banging my head against thewall, I'm not making progress.
I'm not being heard. And attimes, I feel disrespected. And
when that starts to occur, whenyou see those warning signs on
the wall, it is it's time tomove on from that particular

(04:23):
situation. Number two, you Well,when you repeatedly give more
than you take, we had an entireepisode of this on the show in
Episode 11 Are you a giver or ataker? And so if you want to
know more about that hop over tothat episode, but you have to
think about it like if you'rekeeping score in terms of the
relationship there has to be abalance between give and take.

(04:44):
And it doesn't necessarily haveto balance out in the short term
but it sure should balance outin the long term. Now think of
it as almost like a quid proquo. I rub your back you have my
back. We take care of things.
There's a given take you do forme I do for you. And if this is
totally one sided, then it maybe time for you to reconsider

(05:06):
and think, what comes next foryou. And this really leads right
into the next point, which iswhen you think about the past
more than the present,especially in the case of givers
and takers, you may have been ata point where things were equal,
and you felt good about it. Butif the dynamic swings over time,
if the dynamic is such that youare constantly giving, and not

(05:28):
getting anything in return, butyou remember, you play back what
it was like in the past, and allthat you have about the
relationship, and again,personal or professional, in our
memories of a past time whenthings weren't good, and you're
not living in the moment andyou're not future focused, then
yeah, it's time to move on. Andgenerally, this kind of

(05:51):
manifests itself in beingmentally and physically
exhausted, constantly, mentallyand physically exhausted. As we
know, life in and of itself ishard work. There's not, there's
not a day goes by that we don'thave to do something hard. And
I'm not saying every day isgoing to be a difficult day. But

(06:11):
life is the life is going to behard work every single day. And
some days, you're going to bemore drained than others. And if
the number of days where youfeel like things are mounting to
the point where you're alwaysexhausted, always tired, that
you can't give any more that youfeel like you're stuck, you feel

(06:32):
like you'd rather cry, thanlaugh in the situation, then
it's definitely time to do yourinward look and decide whether
or not it's it's time for you tostay or go. And I say that
because in every singlerelationship, and again, true
across all platforms, is thatyou when you are down, or

(06:54):
feeling blue, about the thingsthat you're doing in your
personal life or yourprofessional life, and you don't
have that sense of joy, youdon't have that sense of Get up,
get out, get going. When youfeel like you at the end of the
day, all you want to do is kindof sit down and just go What am
I thinking, then you really needto consider if that's the right

(07:15):
relationship for you. Becausewhen you start to do that, when
you feel at the end of the day,things are kind of building up
and pulling at you tugging atyour heartstrings, if you will,
eventuallythat will turn into anger. And
so if you become angry, insteadof feeling happy in the
relationship that you're in,then the next thing you know,

(07:35):
we're headed down a path that'snot really good. Because anger
then builds into resentment. Andwhat what oftentimes happens is
between that, that period, orthat state of feeling exhausted
and feeling angry, you oftenfind yourself thinking about
things like Oh, wait, it wouldonly be better. If if you if you
utter the phrase, it would onlybe better. If X, Y or Z would

(07:58):
only be better. If I could beheard, it would only be better
if people understood mymotivation, it would only be
better if they gave as much as Igive to the relationship. It
started as soon as you startfinding yourself in that
situation. That's anotherwarning sign, you know, you

(08:19):
can't change people, peopledon't change. People may may be
able to make tweaks, people maybe able to see things in a
different way. But at our core,it is really difficult to move
somebody off of a behavior thatthey have, yes, let's face it,
everybody wants to be heard andacknowledge. But if you get to
the point that you feelresentful, or frustrated or

(08:43):
bored in the relationship thatyou're having, oftentimes
resentment and frustration, itmay not feel like an emergency.
But if over time, those feelingsare continual, that they
outweigh other feelings that youhave about the relationship,
then, you know, over timethat'll undermined your quality

(09:06):
of life. It's almost like youhave this kind of weight on your
back that you're carryingaround. There's this elephant in
the room or the monkey on yourshoulder. And until you unburden
yourself with that extra load orthat extra weight, you're going
to continue to be in a spotthat's not good for you

(09:27):
mentally. And I know, I know,you're saying this isn't this
isn't always easy, Jay, I'm notquite sure. You come on here and
you, you provide a lot offeedback. You provide a lot of
information. But it's, it'seasier said than done. And I
understand that I totally getthat. But what holds most people
back from making a change intheir life is fear and

(09:48):
uncertainty. Because oftentimeswe sit here and we think well,
you know, the devil i know isthe better than the devil. I
don't know Taking a chance ortaking a risk is a big scary
decision. And again, iteffectively changing jobs, it
could be breaking up withsomebody, it could be looking to

(10:09):
redo a friendship that you mayhave had for 20 years. Let's
just say nothing lasts forever,and nothing is meant to last
forever. If the relationshipthat you're in in any respect,
and the ones that we mentionedearlier, any kind of
relationship with it no longerserves you, if you no longer

(10:30):
have joy in it, if it no longerbrings you what you need to have
in a relationship, it is itreally is time to move on. And
the reality is the moving onwill help you grow. Like one of
the most important things we cando in life is grow as a person.
And as soon as become stagnant.

(10:51):
As soon as we stop changing. Assoon as we stopped growing, as
soon as we stopped movingforward learning, really
stretching who we are, that's anissue. And usually what happens
is you have this kind of innermind inner thought inner voice
in your head that's kind ofpersisted, it's kind of just

(11:13):
there's, it's almost like a lowhum, that you get used to in
your house, that there's afeeling of there is something
better out there for me. So inthe case of work, if you get to
a point where you're thinking toyourself, you know, I've given
everything here, my goals, mydesires, my abilities no longer

(11:34):
line up with the leadership ofthe organization, it's time to
go introspective, it's time tothink whether or not that's the
right place for you to be. Andthat the same is true of
personal relationships. If youfeel like the relationship that
you have right now with thatcertain someone no longer serves
you, you feel like there'ssomething better out there than

(11:56):
you, you owe it to yourself toat least have the conversation
about what comes next. Andagain, it goes back to fear. And
I get it, it's hard to make achange like that.
But you really need to kind ofsit down with yourself and go
introspective, because inreality, if you're not being the
best possible version ofyourself, the right person, the

(12:16):
right job, good friends,everything that's around you, it
really should bring out the bestin you. It should. So your
relationships that you have withyour co workers or even ships
you have at home therelationships you have with your
friends, if you cannot be thebest version of you in all of

(12:37):
those areas of your life, thenit is it's time to consider
making a change. Because at theend of the day, if you have to
hide who you are, if you have toshadow, how you feel in order to
fit in. That's not good. That'snot really a good place for you

(12:57):
to be mentally. Because whateverthe situation is, if you if
you're unable to fully expressyourself, and be who you are
pros, cons plus minuses, all ofeverything that you are that
makes you who you are, then thatmakes it difficult for the
relationship to be sustainablein any way, shape, or form. So

(13:19):
what do we have to do to clearthe clutter of our minds out all
we really look at ourselves anddecide whether or not moving
forward letting go is somethingthat we need to do? Well, first
and foremost, I think you got toput yourself in a forward
thinking mindset that I'vealways said the past does define

(13:39):
who you are today. But itdoesn't define who you'll be
tomorrow, who you'll be tomorrowis what you do today, in this
moment right now. So if youdecide you're going to focus on
a forward thinking mindset, andwhat comes next for you, you're
starting to put yourself in agood position to move on and let
go. And a really good analogyfor this is let go of the

(14:01):
anchors of your past, just letgo of the anchors and pretend
somebody is tossing you a lifevest for the future. You are
going to glom on to that lifevest for all that it's worth. So
stop being weighed down anddrowning in your past. And just
look at the future. Look at thelighthouse. Look what's out

(14:23):
before you focus on the goodfocus on what can come next. And
a good way to do them is bystarting on mindfulness
practice. Mindfulness is afantastic way to cope with
things that are going on yourlife and things that you may
have like negative emotions orthings that you're feeling,
fears, doubts, and whether ornot you're good enough to move

(14:47):
on. Now I've mentioned thisbefore, the calm app. I use it
all the time I meditate everysingle morning. It's incredible
how the power of meditation inyour mind can work. quick story
here recently had Just a minormedical procedure, nothing big
nothing major is is diagnosticin nature. And right before I
was going in to the operatingroom, if you will, the surgical

(15:10):
room, I decided, you know, I'mjust gonna clear my mind, I'm
gonna meditate. And when Imeditate, one of the things I do
is count my breath, and I use myfingers to count my breath,
three breaths in and threebreaths out in just a nice pace.
And that was great got in, putme under the anesthesia. And
when I came out, I was in therecovery room. And the very
first voice I heard was that mywife and she just, you know, she

(15:32):
called my name, Jay. And I kindof wake up and she's like, Oh,
I'm sorry, were you meditating?
And I asked her, you know, whatdo you mean? Was I meditating? I
just woke up, she said, Well,you were counting your fingers
like you do when you meditate.
And I thought to myself, Whatare you serious, like I in the
moment, I didn't believe thatwas actually happening. But it

(15:53):
tells you the power of mind, ittells you the power of
mindfulness. And it gives you alittle bit of insight into you
really focus on being or havinga mindfulness practice in your
life, you can, it's not, I'm notsaying that you'll have less
negative emotions or lessnegative feelings, or be

(16:14):
feelings that where you're lessoverwhelmed about life, in
general, now, you're going tohave the same amount of feelings
as somebody who doesn't practicemindfulness or who doesn't
meditate. But what you're goingto find is, you are more readily
able to control those emotions,they're going to be less

(16:34):
intrusive in your life, you'regoing to be able to keep them at
bay, and realize that there arebigger things at play here for
you. One of the big things aboutbeing forward focused, you know,
we talked about that before letgo of the anchor reach for the
light fast look for the light infront of you is that coaching
can help with that you arelistening to this in your you

(16:54):
know, your your professional,and you need some executive
coaching and executive coach canhelp if you are trying to fix
something in your personal life,a life coach can help, there are
things that you can do to dothat. And it's about being
forward focused. But I shouldnote too, if you're in a spot
where you feel like yourthoughts have become too much
that you can't focus at workthat you're unable to sleep,

(17:17):
that your relationships arefalling apart, then it may be
time to consider therapy aswell. And I think everybody
needs somebody to talk to justto the degree to which you need
somebody to talk to you.
Sometimes for smaller things,you can talk to your friends,
other times you need a coach, orsituations that are really bad,

(17:37):
you may need a therapist to dothat. And I make a make a note
of that. Because you need toknow you're not alone in this.
Like if you're having troubleabout letting go and moving on,
you're not alone. Everybody goesthrough that. Everybody feels
that way at some point in theirlife. And you know what, that's
okay. It's okay to feel likeyou're unsure of yourself. But

(18:02):
just don't stay there for toolong. You got to get up, you got
to get out you have to move on.
And letting go and moving on isa big part of that. And in my
particular situation, where wehave the upcoming move and the
big life change, after 18 yearsof living in the same town and
the equivalent of working in thesame organization, my wife and I

(18:24):
changes good, changes good. Itallows you to see things in a
different way. And while it maybe bittersweet, it may feel like
change is difficult, and you'renot sure of what's coming next.
Just know there's lots ofresources out there that you can
turn to don't feel like you haveto go it alone. definitely find

(18:45):
somebody to talk to you if youneed to process about what it
means to let go and move on. Ithink the the number one thing,
the number one takeaway for youhere about letting go and moving
on, give yourself permission totalk about what's going on in
your life, what you're dealingwith the feelings that you're
having, don't bottle it up,don't bottle it up inside,

(19:06):
because that further exacerbatesthe situation. And I think it's
just important for you to knowyou don't have to do life alone.
We can't expect ourselves to getthrough the hurts the trials,
the tribulations alone, eitheryou have to find somebody to
talk to you have to findsomebody to help you through

(19:28):
those moments. And I would sayif you are someone who's
struggling with something inyour life right now, if that
happens to be a professionalstruggle for you, reach out,
reach out to Jason thatpositivity on fire calm. I'd
love to get in a conversationwith you. I'd love to be able to
see if we can work togetherhappy to help in any way that I

(19:48):
can. Definitely focused onexecutive and leadership
coaching part of my other partof my new life. So if you feel
like you're stuck in yourprofessional life, reach out So
as we get ready to wrap up theshow today, I do want to thank
you for being here. These 20minutes always seem to fly by.
But your time listening to thisshow, it does mean the world to

(20:12):
me. There's no greater gift inthis world than time I say it
every single show. AndI just want you to remember be
well be happy, be you. And untilthe next time, may your quest
for positivity begin today. Ifyou liked today's episode,
please go to pod chaser.comsearch for positivity on fire

(20:33):
and leave a five star rating andreview. For more on my
positivity quest. Follow me atpositivity underscore j on
Instagram or Tick Tock or engagewith the show by visiting direct
dot mean slash Jason Ramsden.
Have an amazing day.