38. Building Self-Confidence Together

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How often have you thought to yourself, “I am probably the most unconfident person I know.” You are not alone as issues with self-confidence and having bouts of negative thoughts are pervasive in our lives as we are genetically predisposed to focus on the negative rather than being focused on confidence.

In today’s episode, host Jason Ramsden shares 8 tips for building your self-confidence as well as shares several stories of his own journey as he works to overcome issues with confidence himself.

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can think of others but thoseare the four that come to mind
to me right now. Thosecontractions will kill
confidence every single day, youhave to eradicate the
contractions out of yourvocabulary. Hi, I'm Jason

(00:24):
Ramsden, and I believe we canall work on leading a more
positive and intentional life.
And this show details my journeyby sharing my learning stories
and conversations with guests.
If you want to lead a moreintentional life, focus on being
the best view possible, pleasesubscribe today. Now, let's get
into today's episode. Hello, mypositivity posse. And welcome

(00:45):
back to another episode ofpositivity on fire. Today, we're
going to be taking a look atself confidence because Well,
the truth is, I'm feeling alittle lack of confidence myself
these days and thought perhapsyou might be as well. So let's
dig into some tips to help buildself confidence. And I'll share
a little bit of my processingalong the way.

(01:06):
The route of true competencegrows from our ability to be in
unconditional friendship withourselves. Pema Trojan started
with a quote, because I feellike this is an important one to
remember, the root of truecompetence. It comes from this
unconditional friendship withourselves and, and you you know
probably as well as I know thatwe get into these spots with

(01:31):
ourselves where we'd don't treatourselves like we would somebody
that we care about somebody thatwe love, we tend to treat
ourselves like somebody that wemay not like so much. And I
think it's a good reminder forus, that confident people, and I
may appear to be a confidentperson, putting myself out into

(01:52):
the universe in lots ofdifferent ways. Very public, I
had somebody say to me recently,as someone who is super public,
you're out there in lots ofdifferent spaces, you're still
pretty private. And it's thetruth is, the competent people
still suffer from bouts of selfconfidence issues. And I'm one
of those folks. And that's whatI'm feeling today. So let's dive

(02:15):
into this a little bit. Thefunny thing about confidence is
it's not something that we comeby naturally, as human beings,
we are built to learn from ournegative experiences. This goes
back 1000s of years when cavepeople were walking the earth,
we had to learn from ournegative experiences is how we
were built to survive. So manydifferent inputs were coming at

(02:38):
us we had to learn, like whatworked and what didn't work. And
so naturally, confidence is notsomething that comes to us.
Think about this for a momenthave if you've ever had a
performance review, or have beencritiqued on anything, you've
gone through school in life,what do you focus on, you don't
focus on the 99% of good thingsthat are said about you, or

(02:59):
about the tasks that you didn'tknow, he focused on the 1% of
bad things said it's the badthings, for whatever reason that
we focus on. It's the bad thingsit's feeding into that that
natural negativity that we welearn from. And the truth is, we
want to move forward with beingmore competent people and, and

(03:19):
I'm working on this myself aswell, I said at the beginning of
the show, it takes smallchanges, it's not this one big
change that's going to take youfrom having a lack of self
confidence to having anoverarching approach to
confidence. Now, you've got todo things slowly, you've got to,
you've got to take small stepsto build into your life, things

(03:43):
are going to help you be moreself confident. And we'll dive
into that here in a moment. Ijust want you to remember that
we are all on a journey. Myfriends, every single one of us
is on a journey. So I want youto remember you you can't
compare yourself to what you seeon social what you see

(04:05):
elsewhere. In the world, whatyou're seeing is a finished
product in the moment. It's notto say that those people are
finished products, or they havethis self confidence. They seem
that way. No, you're seeing aproduction. All right. And when
you compare somebody else's showthe onstage presence, to your

(04:25):
backstage messiness, it's nevergoing to work out well for you.
And that's what impedes our selfconfidence is also this
comparison game of looking atother people and saying, Oh my
gosh, look how well puttogether, look at all the things
that they're doing. Take a lookat what's going on in their
life. And I just can't compare.
Because you're comparingyourself like what you know, and

(04:46):
your muddiness of your life tothat front of stage comparison,
so don't do it. I know it's hardwe all we all do it and I'll
share a story of that here in alittle bit as we go through
these tips, but remember Smallchanges, not big changes. When
you do the small changes, you'llsee big returns, it just takes

(05:06):
time. Today, I have eight tipsfor you called from a variety of
different sources, but eighttips to help you become a more
self competent person. And I'mgoing to be taking this advice
myself. So we're on this journeytogether, right? It's not me
telling you how to how to takethis journey and do it for

(05:26):
yourself. I'm on this journey aswell. So I appreciate you being
here. But tip number one, take alook at what you've already
achieved. And yes, we all haveachieved something in our lives.
Again, don't compare yourself toothers in this situation, look
at your own life, what have youachieved, you've done some great
things, you just may not realizeit. So what you're going to do

(05:47):
here is you're going to make alist. And if you are at home,
and you can stop this podcastand do it right now pull out a
piece of paper, pull out apencil or a pen, and make the
list of your achievements, Iguarantee you, you've done some
great things in your life, makethe list. And then what you're
going to do is set that aside ina place where you know that you
can find the list. All right,make it readily accessible to

(06:09):
you. If you want to put it on anapp on your phone, that's great,
too. What you're going to do isyou're going to use that list.
So when you are fighting a boutof self confidence issues, pull
out the list, use it use thelist as a guide to say to
yourself, you know what, I havedone great things. My life is
progress, not perfection. But Ihave done some amazing things in

(06:33):
my life. And I can continue todo that. If I just get out of
this lack of self confidence atthis moment. So use the list,
put it someplace where you canfind it. Number two, I said this
earlier, stop comparing yourselfto others. I know we all do it,
we all do it. But as soon as youstart to compare yourself to
others, you lessen yourself, youlessen the way that you feel

(06:55):
about yourself, you have envythat creeps in. And as we all
know, envy is one of the deadlyseven deadly sins. So you want
to extract that from your life.
And I know it's not easy. Let melet me tell you, I have spent
the last year going throughmaybe July would have had would

(07:16):
have been a year where I wasputting myself out there on Tick
tock, I was putting stories. Iwas sharing quotes. I was trying
to get people to buy into my mymantra of kindness always wins
and impact one or impact 1million, there's no difference.
And I saw all these othercreators out there all these

(07:39):
other people putting content outthere, having their followers
grow and grow and grow and growand grow. And I can tell you,
and I know you're listening,hey, there's a grown man saying
he was on tik tok, and he wasenvious of other people. It's
the truth, we all get there weall if you're a content creator
in any way, you're going to doit. And we're going to do it in
other areas of our lives. Butfor me, I wondered what was

(08:02):
wrong with me. I wondered, whatwas wrong with me as a person
that people didn't gravitatetowards me. I know what you're
thinking, old guy on a socialmedia app. But there are people
in the same age range, who havea lot more followers. And what I
came to realize is that theywere really sharing stories.

(08:26):
They weren't trying to portraythis perfectly put together a
package of confidence. They weresharing their stories, and that
gravitated people to them. But Icouldn't help fall into the trap
of being envious of what theseother people had going on. And I
worked through it, I workedthrough it because I realized I

(08:48):
wasn't at a point in my lifewhere I was going to be able to
share stories in that way. I wascomparing somebody's readiness
somebody in front of stage to myown back of stage. And it was
messy. And it still is messy.
But I let it go. I let it go.
Because I realized that I wasimpacting the lives of people I

(09:12):
still am through this podcastthrough other social media means
I am impacting people's lives.
And that's what matters mostwasn't the count of people
wasn't the number of peoplefollowing me. And I hate that
word following but saysupporting me in my journey.
That doesn't matter. Alright, soagain, stop comparing yourself
to other people. Number three onthe list, face your fears, you

(09:34):
got to face them. And for me, assomebody who's trying to move
people forward in their lives,I've got to face the fear of
being vulnerable. I'm reallygood at being vulnerable. Why
wants a really good who's reallygoing to be vulnerable, but I'm
better at being vulnerable oneon one with people than I am in
a public space. And that'sdifficult. I've got to face that

(09:55):
fear if I want to continue topush forward with With this
effort of mine to impact one orimpact 1 million, I've got to
face that fear and you have todo it as well. Confidence only
builds, when you face your fearshead on, if you let your fears
constantly when you think offear in your life, as that
elementary school bully, if youwill, if you let the bully win

(10:20):
over and over again, you willnot move forward. So you're
going to have to turn face thefear, face the bully head on and
say, All right, let's go. So anexample, as I started my public
speaking journey, many moonsago, I had this fear of being in
front of people, because it wasvulnerable for me. And what I

(10:41):
found was that, as I did it,over, and over and over again,
to the point where I ended upgiving over 30 different
presentations over the course ofmy career, that it got easier.
It wasn't easy, okay? When youhave something that is fearful

(11:01):
for you, it doesn't alwaysbecome easy, but when you face
it head on, it can becomeeasier. So yes, I still got
nervous when I got on stage, Istill got nervous, preparing for
being onstage. But as soon as Igot into the flow of being
onstage, as soon as I connectedwith the audience, as soon as I
had feedback, and conversation,the fear lessened, and it

(11:24):
actually dissipated him andleft. But it took some time to
face the fears. And you're goingto have to do the same thing.
Whatever your journey is,whatever issue you're facing is
you have to turn around, youhave to turn and face that fear
head on, it's the only wayyou're going to have confidence
building your life. Number four,set goals, confident people set
goals, you have to set goals,and you have to take those goals

(11:47):
and chunk them down into smallsteps to help get you there. So
right now I'm in the middle of ahealth journey, I've been on a
health journey off and on many,many times in my life, I feel
like at the age of 53, I have toget this in order, right? This
we're talking about the rest ofmy life. So I've set a goal to
lose X amount of weight, I'veset a goal of eating healthier,

(12:09):
tracking what I'm eating to makesure I understand how different
foods affect me daily, weekly,monthly, whatever it may be. But
I set a goal, I didn't say oh, Ineed to lose 50 pounds. And oh,
by the way, that is my ultimategoal. Now I said okay, I have to
lose, I want to lose not haveto, you should always say want

(12:30):
and not have, I want to lose 10pounds by x eight. And then once
I achieve that goal, five poundsby the next date. Again, setting
the next goal setting the nextgoal. So my timeline, even
though it might be extended toget to the full 50 pounds of
weight loss. I've setintermediary goals along the

(12:51):
way, including tracking my food,exercising, I've set goals for
all of that, but tiny, not asbig. Hey, I'm gonna run a
marathon and I'm gonna do it bynext week. That's just not the
way goals work. So make sure youset some goals for yourself, it
will help build your confidence.
Number five, practice somepositive self talk. Let me tell

(13:13):
you, contractions killconfidence. I'm going to say
that again. contractions killconfidence. What I mean by that
is the words can't, won't,shouldn't don't. And perhaps you
can think of others but thoseare the four that come to mind
to me right now. Thosecontractions will kill

(13:33):
confidence every single day, youhave to eradicate the
contractions out of yourvocabulary. Once you do that,
you're no longer saying I can'tI won't, I shouldn't. Don't do
that. Remove those contractions.
Practice positive self talkreplace those words with i can i
will i should will scratch Ishould because that's not even a

(13:56):
good moniker there. And I dookay, I can I will I do? put a
positive spin on how you speakto yourself. This is what Carol
Dweck, if you read her talkabout growth mindset versus
fixed mindset. You've got tohave a growth mindset. When
you're talking about beingpositive with yourself, the only

(14:18):
way that you're going to helpget over the hump of having a
lack of confidence. Get out ofthe fixed mindset world.
Remember contractions do killconfidence move on from that and
set down some goals for talkingpositively to yourself. Maybe it
is one affirmation a day. Justpick one let's not overdo it.

(14:38):
Pick one affirmation a day whereyou can practice positive self
talk. Number six, you've got totake care of your body. Alright
folks, again, I've been on thisjourney my entire life. I think
I've lost the same 50 pounds andI found it again every single
time lost the same 50 pounds.
Many times. I've done itprobably five times in my

(15:01):
lifetime through a lot ofdifferent methods. But through
diet through exercise throughmeditation, I'm closing in on a
year's worth of meditation,daily meditation, and then
sleep, getting proper sleep,those four components will help
take care of your body, if youdon't take care of your body,
your body will not take care ofyou. I know these are all things

(15:23):
that you already know, I'm nottelling you anything that you
don't already know, until youstart to take care of your body
until you focus on what goesinto your body. Until you focus
on getting some exercise, propersleep, and I'm talking seven to
eight hours a day, or a nightshouldn't be sleeping during the
day, am I right? Once you dothat, once you focus on taking

(15:46):
care of your body, your body,and then subsequently Your mind
will take better care of you. Sonumber six, take care of your
body, my friends. Number seven,surround yourself with positive
people, I'm sure I'm sure you'veheard that you are the average
of your five friends, or you arethe average of the five people

(16:08):
you spend the most time with. Soif you look around at your five
folks that you spend the mosttime with, and you need to level
up, you got to level up.
Sometimes letting people go outof your lives is the only way to
push forward in your own life,you got to leave the negative
friends behind. You have to Iknow that's a little directive.

(16:29):
But I'm telling you right now,as soon as you level up, as soon
as you surround yourself withpositive people, the self
confidence will grow. to as manyof you know, I am a coach, I
went through a six month programto build my skills and learn
about coaching. And coming outof that program we developed.
And by we I mean nine of us havedeveloped a mastermind group and

(16:53):
we meet once a week. So I have acohort of coaches that meets
once a week where we tradechances to be on the hot seat or
the opportunity seat to getunstuck from something that is
holding us back from ourentrepreneurial or coaching
journeys. But what I have foundis all of these people who are
in this group with me, in thismastermind are super positive

(17:16):
people, we are all headed in thesame direction. And I can tell
you, just by being with themonce a week, my self confidence
is elevated. So again, surroundyourself with positive people.
Remember you are the average ofthe five people you spend the
most time with. So you're goingto have to take a look at that
and switch it up. And I knowthat's a little bit directive.

(17:38):
I'm very passionate about thatparticular point. And finally,
number eight, be kind toyourself. Right, shocker here in
a 2009 study in the Journal ofpersonality. self compassion
leads to guess what higherlevels of confidence
specifically in challengingtimes, we need to have self

(17:58):
compassion more than anythingelse on this list.
If you are continually knockingyourself down, and you wouldn't
do that, you wouldn't do that toa friend or family member,
you're going to tell people inyour lives what you tell
yourself, that's just not notgood manners. Alright, so let's
be kind to yourself, as havegood manners towards yourself.

(18:20):
The moment that you have just alittle bit of self compassion
for yourself, you will see thatyou will have self confidence it
will start to grow. But the moretime that you spend knocking
yourself down, beating yourselfup. Not being kind to yourself
is the moment that you killyourself confidence. This is an

(18:42):
important one on the list too.
It's number eight, but it'sprobably the most important.
Next is surround yourself withpositive people is Be kind to
yourself, my friends. And I willtell you, I am probably one of
the worst people in the world ofbeing kind to myself, I am in my
head nonstop about the work thatI do. The progress that I make.
I am no better than you. I amyou. We are all the same. We are

(19:08):
all on the same journey. Ifyou're a regular listener to
this show, you're here for areason. And you're here because
you feel like we're on the samepath. And we are. I believe
everyone who listens to thisshow does so because they want
to be better people just like Iwant to be better a person. So
to recap, today we talked about,look at what you've already

(19:30):
achieved. Make a list. Pull thatout from time to time. stop
comparing yourself to others.
It's a huge, huge no win game.
Face your fears. To turn around,face your fears head on. set
some goals. chunk those down,make them easily attainable.
Practice positive self talkremember contractions kill
confidence. Take care of yourbody diet, exercise meditation

(19:54):
sleep, when you take care ofyour body to take care of your
mind. Surround yourself withpositive people. Again you are
the average of the five peopleyou spend the most time with.
And finally, be kind toyourself, my friends, be kind to
your self. And as we close outtoday's show, I just want you to
know that this episode isimportant to me because I am to

(20:17):
struggling with self confidencewe all go through it. We all
look at our lives and wonder howwe can be better. These tips
these eight topics are thingsthat I will keep front and
center on my desk to help megrow to help me build my self
confidence. I hope they will bethings that you do as well. I'd
love to hear how it's going. Soreach out drop me an email at

(20:41):
Jason at positivity on fire.comLet's connect let's continue to
be on this journey together. Andlet me say this my friends If
you liked today's episode,please give us a five star
rating wherever you listen andplease share this episode.
Because word of mouth is theonly way that this shows message
will grow. And finally, as Iclose every show, thank you for

(21:05):
being here today, my friendsyour gift of time listening to
this show does mean the world tome. And as always, be well be
happy be you and until the nexttime may your quest for
positivity begin today. For moreon my positivity quest follow me
at underscore j y Ramsden onInstagram Tiktok in Twitter. If

(21:27):
you liked today's episode,please give us a five star
rating and review on yourfavorite podcast app or visit
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