Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let's say your
daughter or son decides to spend
the holidays with their friendsinstead of coming home.
You probably would feel thedisappointment kind of wash over
you in that instant when youget the message.
I know I would.
But in that instance you have achoice.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome to this Empty
Nest Life where your next
chapter begins.
Join Jay Ramsden, the inspiringvoice behind the Empty Nest
Coach on TikTok and Instagram,as he leads you on a
transformative journey throughthe uncharted seas of midlife
and empty nesting.
Here's your host, the EmptyNest Coach, Jay Ramsden.
Hey there, Empty.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Nester.
The holidays are upon us, right, they're coming up here pretty
quickly.
So today I'm diving into atopic that many of us wrestle
with specifically during theholidays.
It's the bittersweet experienceof gathering with family and
confronting the inevitable quietthat follows, and I know you
(00:57):
know what I'm talking about.
So as this holiday seasonapproaches, we kind of get this
excitement going, being able tosee our kiddos and yes, they'll
always be kiddos, no matter howold our children become.
So don't be coming at me sayingthey're adults.
They are adults, but they'restill our kids, and that's plain
and simple, right, they'realways going to be our kids, no
matter how old they are.
(01:17):
But what happens when all thoseadult kids decide to holiday
elsewhere?
Thatof, oof, oof.
That one gets us right.
It's like a huge punch to thegut, like ugh.
And as the holiday seasonapproaches, you're probably, a
(01:37):
lot like me, kind of filled withanticipation.
For me it's Thanksgiving, it'smy absolute favorite, and for
you it might be Christmas, likemy beautiful bride, that's her
favorite holiday.
But what we're doing is we'rekind of sitting here as the
holiday season approaches andwe're looking forward to family
reunions.
We're looking forward to thestories, the laughter, the games
(01:59):
, the cooking, the baking andall of the time that we have
planned to spend with our kids.
Your vision for the holidayprobably also includes a ton of
preparation, extra food in thefridge, decorations in every
corner and schedules that arejust packed with family
activities and family time.
(02:21):
But what happens when ourexcitement for the plans we've
created are met with someunexpected news?
In a 2019 article by EricaHardison from Yahoo Life, she
shares experiences that resonatedeeply with many empty nesters.
When the kids decide to doholidays elsewhere, or they
(02:45):
decide to do holidays on theirown.
Okay, imagine this You'resending texts, you're eagerly
awaiting your kid's arrival, tocome home only to receive a
message saying they won't becoming home this year, and that
gut punch can be really tough tobear.
It's okay to feel a wave ofdevastation and anger.
(03:10):
That's normal right, especiallywhen we have something in our
heads planned out and it doesn'tcome to fruition.
But I also want to remind youthat it's a normal phase in your
kid's growth.
It's a normal phase.
So a psychiatrist, leah Lace,notes that this isn't just about
the holidays.
It's also about our kids'independence.
(03:34):
So what are you going to dowhen this happens?
Now, here are some importantthings.
I want you to consider someimportant things I want you to
consider, first, navigating theholidays.
That means recognizing our ownfeelings as well as others.
It's normal to fear that youmight be left out or to feel sad
(03:55):
if something doesn't go planned, or to feel like maybe you
don't matter in your kids' livesanymore when they decide they
want to do the holidaysdifferently this year.
It's normal, it's okay.
And here's the tough part youneed to approach those feelings
with a heart full of gratitude.
A heart full of gratitude forthe holidays past, for the time
(04:16):
that you did get to spend withyour kids in years past and I
know, trust me, I know thatsounds like a bunch of crap.
However, instead of reactingnegatively to the news that your
kid isn't coming home orthey're not bringing their
family to your house, Iencourage you to offer them some
(04:37):
understanding.
Instead, consider this advicefrom mental health expert Adina
Mahali.
She suggests taking a step backand approaching your kid's
decision with grace.
Now, I know that might hurt,but instead of feeling offended,
it's about connecting ratherthan controlling.
(04:59):
Mahali would even go so far tosay that it's about showing some
patience and grace.
Showing some patience and graceto them, to your kids rather
than pushing them away withdemands and ultimatums on their
time.
Okay, here's an example.
This is how you might approachthis scenario.
(05:20):
Let's say your daughter or sondecides to spend the holidays
with their friends instead ofcoming home.
You probably would feel thedisappointment kind of wash over
you in that instant when youget the message.
I know I would.
But in that instance you have achoice.
You can choose to push back,you can choose to word vomit
(05:41):
your feelings towards them, oryou can choose to send them a
warm message, just letting themknow hey, listen, I'll miss you
and I also hope that you havejust the amazing, incredible
time.
That small shift in yourapproach will ensure that they
feel loved.
It will ensure they feelincluded.
It will ensure that they feelcared for, even though it's from
(06:07):
a distance.
And the key when this happens isalso to try and stay connected.
You can try and stay connectedto your kids in this way.
It's the beauty of living in aworld where, today, we can stay
connected.
It's so much easier than everbefore.
You know that we can stayconnected.
It's so much easier than everbefore.
You know that, and relationshipexpert Marla Mattinson suggests
(06:28):
you know, we use platforms likeZoom and FaceTime to make sure
that we keep the bond strong,even if they're not going to be
with us, even if they're milesaway.
Sometimes a simple, quick videochat can brighten their day and
let them know you're thinkingabout them.
Madison even goes on to saythat if your child decides to
(06:50):
have alternative plans thancoming home to you, here's a
great way to use this technology.
I thought this was brilliantEncourage them to send a
personalized video to share whatthey did during the holidays.
Now, some of your kids may bedoing that anyway.
They might be posting on TikTokor Instagram.
Now, some of your kids may bedoing that anyway.
They might be posting on TikTokor Instagram.
But what if they made onespecifically just for you?
Not only do they stay kind ofinvolved, but they might cherish
(07:11):
that connection, they mightcherish that bridge between you
and them from a distance.
Now, I know in my own experience, I would say more so.
Over the last few years, I'venot been able to regularly spend
Thanksgiving with my beautifulfried and my kids.
I've needed to spend that timewith my parents, who are aging.
They're aging and they're downin Florida.
(07:32):
Now I don't begrudge thischange Now.
I don't begrudge how I spendthe holidays in the very least
at all.
It's an absolute privilege tobe able to still have my parents
in my life at the young age of87 and 85, because I know that
won't always be the case.
But back when we lived in NorthCarolina before our move to
(07:57):
Massachusetts, we used to havehuge I'm talking huge gatherings
for Thanksgiving, anywhere from30 to 40 people.
This would include family, itwould include neighbors, friends
, people from the school wheremy wife and I used to work.
Literally, my wife would inviteeverybody to come to our house
and it was such an amazing timetogether.
However, since we moved to aless central location when we
lived in Raleigh, it was supercentral to a lot of folks,
(08:19):
massachusetts not so much, sowe've had to pivot a little bit.
So, in order to recreate thatvibe, my brother set up a
regular family video call onThanksgiving.
Now, this could be whereeverybody can come in.
Right, it's my cousins, it's my, you know my brother and his
family, my parents if I'm notwith them, my brother is right,
(08:39):
Somebody's with them to bringthem on into the tech, while
it's not the same as actuallybeing there, just the ability to
be able to see my kids' faces,my brother's family, my cousins.
It lights me up as we all stayconnected with each other.
We get to talk about thepriceless and great ways we're
(09:00):
continuing a transition orcontinuing a tradition, even
when we can't all be together.
It's just for us.
It's a new way of thinkingabout the holidays what was and
what is now.
Now I get it.
This might be a difficult timefor many of you.
I get it right that having thekids home during the holidays
(09:21):
means the world to you, and itshould.
But let's not forget theinevitable quiet after the
holidays.
You're going to have to workthrough not having them home.
That's one part, but then, also, after the holidays, there's
going to be a letdown.
Whether they came home orwhether you did something
virtual with them, there's goingto be a letdown.
(09:43):
It's literally like airescaping from the balloon.
Here's what I want you to keepin mind.
Accepting an empty nest doesn'thave to be filled with sadness.
It doesn't have to be filledwith sadness.
If you embrace the transition,it can lead to new family
traditions, ones that focus onquality time rather than the
(10:06):
quantity of time that we spendwith our kids.
You get to choose how you wantto think about the holidays.
You get to decide if a changein tradition is going to leave
you down and out or if you'regoing to embrace the opportunity
to see this as something new,as a pivot, a change.
That doesn't have to be onethat brings you down.
(10:28):
It can actually raise you up,of course, as you adjust to this
new dynamic.
Right as the kids get older andthey're making their own
decisions about where to spendthe holidays, it's important to
allow yourself to grieve that.
That's the first step.
Grieve those changes.
It's totally natural to missthe chaos, the laughter, the
stories, even the messes thatcome from a busy holiday.
(10:49):
Okay, well, maybe not themesses, at least for me.
Like my OCD cleaning peoplelike me, you probably don't miss
the messes.
You can also think of this asan opportunity for growth.
It's an opportunity for growthfor both you and your kids.
Every choice you make as aparent, from when they were
little until now, even if theydon't live with you, every
(11:12):
choice you make teaches them howto handle future situations
themselves.
It's modeling, it's a cycle oflearning, it's a cycle of love
and acceptance to show our kidshow we can change and grow, no
matter how old we are.
Now, as we head into holidays, Iwant you to focus, too, on
gratitude and I know peoplealways tell you to focus on
(11:34):
gratitude, but since it'sThanksgiving, it really is the
time of year to do just that.
Remember, despite all thechallenges when your holiday
might not look or feel exactlyas you want it, to being
thankful for the time, any timethat is shared, whether together
(11:59):
or remotely, is a blessing, anabsolute blessing in our lives.
And I want you to try this onetip okay, around gratitude as we
head into the holiday season,especially if you're kind of
feeling that pang of emptinessafter all the festivities are
gone.
Grab a piece of paper, grab anapkin, an old envelope, a
journal whatever you have handyand write down all you're
grateful for this holiday season, even if you're feeling woe is
(12:23):
me, trust me, do this.
Just getting the informationdown and out of your brain can
help you shift your mindset fromone of loss to one of
appreciation If you reflect onmemories made.
It can also pave the way fornew holiday traditions in your
(12:44):
life.
I encourage you, my emptinessfriends, I encourage you.
Give this a try Now, before weclose out today's episode.
I want you to remember that it'sall about balance.
It's perfectly okay to feelemotions.
Every emotion is valid.
It's human, it's part of humanexperience Excitement for the
(13:05):
family time, sadness for thechanges in dynamics, it's all
part of the process.
But I encourage you to embracethose feelings, allow them in,
reflect on the past, while alsolooking forward to what's next
in this exciting new chapter ofyour life.
And I don't want you to forgetabout that communication piece.
(13:25):
The power of communication isessential here, whether through
technology or heartfelt messages.
When you keep the lines ofcommunication open with your
kids, whether they're close,whether they choose to celebrate
with you or not, is key.
Remember, no matter what,you're still part of their lives
, even if it may not feel thatway to you during the holiday
(13:45):
season.
Okay, my emptiness friends,thanks for being with me today.
I hope you found just a littlebit of comfort in this episode.
It's a pretty weighty topic,especially if you haven't
experienced it before, but Ihope you feel a little inspired
to embrace both the chaos andthe calm that the holidays bring
.
And here's to a joyous season,my friends, filled with love,
(14:09):
understanding and newconnections.
And, of course, if you enjoyedtoday's episode.
Please share it with others sothey too can benefit from a
different perspective about theholidays, especially if they're
going through a first-timeholiday where the kids have
decided to do somethingdifferent.
And before you go, I want toinvite you to join my this
(14:30):
Emptiness Life Facebook group.
We're a growing community thatprovides resources, tips and
free monthly coaching.
Visit wwwjasonramsoncom andclick on Join my Community at
the top of the page.
All right until next time,cherish the moments, be kind to
yourself and remember that everyholiday, near or far, is an
(14:54):
opportunity to create lastingmemories.
Cheers.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Are you ready to
start living and enjoying your
empty nest years?
If so, head over tojasonramsdencom and click work
with me to get the conversationstarted.
Let's make your life lighter,brighter and full of joy and
purpose again jasonramsdencomand click work with me to get
the conversation started.
Let's make your life lighter,brighter and full of joy and
purpose again.
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(15:23):
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