90. Redefining Success: Nicoa Dunne's Journey from Corporate Life to Life Coach

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Join us in this enlightening episode as we embark on a profound journey of self-discovery with my guest, Nicoa Dunne from Life by Design and the Coffee with Nicoa podcast. 

Nicoa shares her courageous transition from feeling unfulfilled in a corporate HR executive role to becoming an Life & Executive Coach, redefining her life on her own terms in her empty nest life.

Throughout our conversation, Nicoa reveals her personal story of navigating challenges such as panic attacks and societal pressures and emphasizing the importance of aligning life with true values. We dive into the complexities of identity transition, discussing significant life changes, including empty nesting, divorce, and career shifts, while shedding light on the accompanying feelings of guilt and the quest for self-rediscovery.

Highlights:

• Explore the journey from corporate success to life coaching and authorship.
• Discover the transformative concept of the "six-word story" for redefining self-identity.
• Understand the emotional landscape of navigating identity shifts after children leave home.
• Learn practical strategies for journaling and self-dialogue to gain clarity.
• Gain insights on managing energy and shifting perspectives for a more fulfilling life.

Key Takeaways:

• Embrace change and prioritize personal happiness while navigating life's transitions.
• Recognize the significance of self-awareness and acceptance in enhancing relationships.
• Shift your mindset to view life as happening for you, rather than to you, to foster fulfillment.
• Challenge societal notions of success and create a life that resonates with your personal values.

We encourage listeners to embrace their unique journeys, allowing space to grieve past identities while celebrating the freedom to design a life that truly reflects who they are. Tune in for inspiration, insightful discussions, and practical advice to empower your self-discovery journey!

Nicoa Dunne Bio
Nicoa is a seasoned guide with 20+ years as a Human Resources Executive with General Electric, Thermo Fisher Scientific, and Allscripts. She has excelled as a certified coach through the Newfield Network and the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching all while proudly parenting three kids! 

Over the years, she has consulted 100s of business leaders and top executives from Fortune 100 companies across the globe, shap

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Speaker 2 (00:24):
transformative journey through the uncharted
seas of midlife and emptynesting.
If you're ready to embark onthis new adventure and redefine
your future, you're in the rightplace.
Here's your host the Empty NestCoach, jay Ramston Nicola.

Speaker 3 (00:34):
Dunn, welcome to this Empty Nest Life.
So good to see you.

Speaker 1 (00:39):
So excited to be here , jay, thanks for having me.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
Yeah, so I've got a question right Just to get us
started and you can kind ofkickstart yourself from here and
introduce yourself.
But you used to be an HRexecutive, right, probably
living life.
As you quote unquote people sayhad it all.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yep, yeah.

Speaker 3 (00:58):
Traditional markers of success we all know about but
maybe not so fulfilled.
Can you tell me a little bitmore there and let my guests
know or let my folks know kindof your story?

Speaker 1 (01:09):
Yeah, the story was the brainwashed American dream.
You know, I was an Americangirl.
You know, doing what my daddytold me to do.
You know, pull up thosebootstraps and go down that
checklist of success and I wasvery fortunate.
If you measure life from anAmerican Dream checklist as
successful, I did all the thingsand got married, even had a

(01:33):
stay-at-home husband, I hadthree kids, did the big
corporate life.
I worked at GE, I was in theirhuman resources leadership
program.
I mean I did all the rightthings right.
I made it all the way to the top, worked for three different
companies, including ThermoFisher Scientific and Allscripts
, and became, you know,executive HR leader with board

(01:54):
responsibility and wascompletely stressed out.
I mean I had it all.
I had everything the 2.4 kids,the white picket fence, the two
houses, the multiple cars, acouple of cats, you know.
And I was like, why am Idrinking this extra glass of
wine every night and what'swrong with me?
Why am I not happy enough?

(02:15):
And so I went through a massivetransformation back in 2009.
I quit my job at the age of 40and with that stay at home
husband and three kids, 12 andunder, like a crazy person, and
I started coaching, I thoughtlong and hard about what was it
that I loved in my life and atmy corporate world, and it was

(02:39):
helping leaders help themselvesand really being that resource
for them.
So I turned what I loved into ajob and I mean, believe me, I
felt great when I quit my job inthat meeting on a Monday at
4.15 and looked at my CEO and Iwalked out the door, felt really
good and seven weeks later hada massive terror panic attack.

(03:01):
I mean, let me be clear, thiswas not an easy decision, but
I'm known for making bigdecisions quickly and I haven't
looked back since and I've beencoaching.
Now I'm an executive coach andI'm also a podcast host, like
you.
I've written a book, a journalcalled the my Life by Design
Journal, and I am also a rapidtransformational hypnotherapist.

(03:26):
So I've created a reallybeautiful set of offerings as a
coach for the past 15 years thathave enabled my what I call a
life by design and a life bydesign that I love.
So that's who I am now and Ihave zero regrets, even though
it was some scary times, but Imanaged through you wait, the

(04:05):
more your brain gets like filledup with questions and then you
get stuck.

Speaker 3 (04:06):
So doing things quickly doesn't always lead to a
massive panic attack.
Let's just put that out therefor people who are listening.
But in doing so, is that wherethe life by design came from, or
did that come later?

Speaker 1 (04:17):
I think it probably did come within that first year,
because I don't know ifanybody's ever heard of the six
word story.

Speaker 3 (04:24):
Have you ever heard of that?
I have.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
Yeah, so it's.
A publishing company started itand it was based on, I think,
maybe a Mark Twain quote thatsays baby shoes for sale, never
worn.
It's a six word story.
Now you could interpret thatsentence as dramatic or matter
of fact.
Right, oh, my God, you know,the baby died, or oh, they never
wore those shoes, giving themaway or selling them.

(04:47):
And so that we I ran into thisphilosophy, a lot of
corporations started using itfor their leaders.
You know what is your six wordstory?
And so I played along on my ownout here, trying to set up my
own coaching business and getcertified as a coach, et cetera.
And I was like, well, what ismy six word story?
Life by design.
I love mine, and now I didn'talways love it and there are

(05:10):
times where I still don't loveit or I want to change it, I
want to expand it, evolve it.
But every year I revisit thatsix word story and every year
it's the same.
And I just glanced at a posteron the wall or framed print my
friend gave me, and it says shedesigned a life she loved.
And it's still true to this day.
And I just say that, if peoplecan stop for a moment and you

(05:35):
even ask in some of your prepquestions.
You know what's your empty nestmotto.
I use the same phrase for thepast year as an empty nester, so
that's the story there.

Speaker 3 (05:47):
And I like it because I think a lot of folks,
especially people who listen tomy show, they get so wrapped up
in an identity.
You are wrapped up in acorporate identity and we all
have different types ofidentities, for sure.
But some folks get wrapped upin the identity of being a
parent and then the kids go off,they go off to college, they go
into the workplace, they may dowhatever.

(06:08):
That identity starts to spinLike who am I now and what am I
supposed to do?
But I love the idea of likelife by design.
I am in a program called theObsessed Retreat.
It's like become obsessed withyour life.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (06:22):
Yeah, and I think it's kind of similar.
It's like you can either dolife by design or you can become
obsessed with it, not like in agross kind of you know
over-the-top way.
It's just like I want to live alife I love and lots of people
will say, well, yes, I lived mylife that I loved by being a mom
or a dad and being so involved.
But what now?
So like, where is that for you?

(06:43):
I think I saw you on a kayakrecently in a post right and it
kind of spurred that question.
It's like, what now for you?

Speaker 1 (06:49):
Yeah, what now?
For me?
It reminds me when you talkabout identity.
I just want to make a comment.
You know, my husband and I myfirst husband and the father of
my three kids when we weretogether we tried to live a
little bit differently.
We thought we were unique inour pursuit of that American
dream.

(07:09):
You know, when we wouldrelocate for my job and he's
staying home, we would tell therealtor please don't take us
where all the other GE peoplelive, because a lot of people
would like, want to be togetherin the same neighborhoods, et
cetera.
We're like take us downtown, oryou know, we want to live
differently, we want to beunique.

(07:30):
And him staying home full timewas before the whole trend of
hipsters Like we were the firsthipsters, if you will, which
makes us laugh.
But it was in that time that Iwas so wrapped up in my identity
as a corporate leader and hewas wrapped up in his identity
as a stay-at-home dad that Ieven thought once I was like

(07:52):
maybe I'll write a book called IFeel Guilty for Not Feeling
Guilty, and it was related to myrelationship with my children.
So I knew they were loved, Iknew they were being raised well
, but I would meet all theseother working moms and they
always were.
I don't know if they did it bydefault or if they really did.
They all felt so guilty aboutworking and they were like, oh

(08:14):
my God, I had to go out of townfor a whole week.
And I was like, oh, I was outof town for two weeks.
I was okay with that.
Like it was a really weirddynamic.
Now, down the road, when I quitmy job and went home, my
husband's identity as astay-at-home dad and my identity
as a corporate leader caused usto not align and we ended up

(08:34):
not staying together.
It was a massive shift inidentity.
Now, part of his challenge washis three kids grew up and
needed their mom a little bitmore than they had needed him.
That threw him for a loop.
So it's like these precursorsto the ultimate empty nest.
We were beginning to sense andsee that our identities were

(08:59):
really clear.
Roles and responsibilities weretied to these identities and
when you shook that up andchanged it, it was devastating
for us.
We were not prepared.
So I bring that up because,ultimately, as I face now my new
way of being without kids inthe house and yeah, we'll just
tell everybody.
I'm also going through a seconddivorce after just three and a

(09:20):
half years.
Identity alone in a house, nohusband, no kids, nobody else
responsible for I now work formyself.
Freedom of my job, my goodness,to your point.
I am redefining myself rightnow and it's overwhelming and at
the same time, completelyliberating.

(09:41):
I've never felt more free in mylife.
But I'm also still figuring itout.
There's a lot of grieving goingon from the previous identity
Does that make sense.

Speaker 3 (09:49):
It makes perfect sense.
I think that's what willresonate with folks when they
listen to this episode.
Is that like our, when we leavean identity behind?
And I did something similarlike we my wife and I used to
work in the same school and wewere both on the leadership team
and she wanted to go to thenext level and that meant
leaving that school and I knew Ineeded, you know, I wanted to
support her in that journey.

(10:10):
It also meant me kind ofstepping back from my role and I
could have done that in anotherschool near us, but I wouldn't
have been able to support her inher journey the way that I
wanted to support her in herjourney which turned out to be
great because, you know, fastforward, like a year later or
two years later, and mymother-in-law ended up living
with us.
So it was even good that I hadpivoted this way.

(10:31):
But, yes, taking time like inthat journey to be like, oh my
God, who?
And we had getting ready tolaunch both kids and it's like,
who do I want to be now?
And that question, I think, issomething that I really
encourage people to do is like,who do you want to be when the
kids grow up and move on, whichis like you get to this certain

(10:51):
point and you've done a ton ofwork or you've been a coach a
long time.
And I think people get stuck inthis when they see a coach or
they hear about coaching,because it's become more
acceptable to see people talkingabout getting coached or, you
know, having coaches.
Like oh, I wish I had it allfigured out.
Like, but hello, fast forward.

(11:12):
Little side note we don't ascoaches, we're human, no, so I'm
just curious, like what's inall of these iterations like
what's something that you'velearned about yourself recently.

Speaker 1 (11:24):
Oh well, I want to reiterate that in retrospect.
I really do believe, if youknow my partners and I, you know
I've had two great partners wejust shouldn't stay together
because the two of us couldn'tlean in you know, mert and I,
john and I we couldn't lean into the collaboration required to

(11:48):
ultimately design thatpartnership that would be
fulfilling for both people.
And I think there's often anavoidance.
A lot of people listening alsomight not want to be self-aware
and self-observe who they arewithout the previous identity.
They're too frightened and theyhang on pretty tight to the

(12:10):
previous identity.
Now, I had the advantage ofhaving been trained as a coach
and have had a coach.
So I always recommend don't geta coach that doesn't have a
coach Because, to your point,we're all still learning and
what I learned about myself overthis process is I was really
attached to that point.
We're all still learning.
And what I learned about myselfover this process is I was
really attached to that identity, to the image, to what people

(12:31):
thought.
I was really attached, but nottoo attached to not make a
change.
So I'm really proud of myself.
I think I had an inner knowing,like an intuition, that was
like yes, and it could be better.
You don't have to compromise,you don't actually have to
settle into a life that's notfulfilling to you.
And I was again projecting onthis previous relationship.

(12:55):
All the good stuff was good,but I was ignoring the part that
was just a disconnect betweenmy partner and me, and it caused
me to have to really do thework I do help others do for
themselves.
I had to do the work for meeven deeper, even more, and I'm
so grateful that my husbandshowed up for me the way he did

(13:17):
and the way I showed up for him,because it forced my hand.
It forced me to look in themirror and say wait a minute,
what are you doing?
Like?
Why do you feel this way?
Or why is he acting that way?
Like what is this triggering inyou and what do you really
really want and what mattersmost to you?
And the key practice thathelped me get there and find two

(13:41):
key practices that helped mewake up and pull the pin out of
that grenade and throw it intothe middle of what everyone in
the world thought was my foreverafter, my happy ever after, was
journaling and and mirror workand the journaling I've done
since I was a child and that'swhy I wrote the journal, the my

(14:02):
Life by Design journal or yourLife by Design journal.
And the second piece was themirror work that I did.
That I learned from a womanwho's passed away now.
Her name is Louise Hay, andLouise Hay talks about the power
of that self-dialogue withyourself.
I mean, this is the crazy womandialogue.
You're going to be looking inthe mirror and telling yourself

(14:22):
how much you love yourself,saying your own name, beginning
to look and recognize theinsecurities that are holding
you back, the limiting beliefs,and turning what had been
self-disparaging dialogue aboutme not feeling enough in my life
and looking to my partner tohelp me validate that feeling of
okayness, of enoughness, andsaying, well, you know, if he

(14:45):
can't show up for me, then Ihave to show up for me.
And that's the beauty of thissecond marriage because it woke
me up.
In retrospect.
He showed up for me exactly theway he probably promised he
would in our sole contracts, ifyou believe in things like that,
and I couldn't be more gratefuland I couldn't be more proud of

(15:06):
myself for actually getting outof that relationship as early
as I did so that he can go andgrow and expand where he needs
to, and I can continue my growthand expansion on my own.

Speaker 3 (15:18):
Yeah, I think that's where people kind of get lost,
right, and we're kind of headingdown into, because you hit
emptiness and people start tosometimes question the
relationship that they're in.
Because I always say, like,when you're married with kids
and you're raising them together, you're both on like the same,
like going down the same path,it's just on different roads and

(15:39):
the kids are like the median inbetween you, right, you're both
heading in the same direction,but maybe not in this doing the
same sort of things or at thesame time.
It's like when you bring thebest of yourself, when everybody
brings the best of themselvesas an individual, right, so many
times we want to be somethingdifferent for the person that
we're in a relationship with.

Speaker 1 (16:00):
You're right.

Speaker 3 (16:00):
Right, but when you bring the best of you and the
best of you, like people say, ohwell, in marriage is 50, 50.
No, it's a hundred, a hundred.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
Yeah, I mean, it's your responsibility to do that
self-work and it's frighteningand a lot of people just don't
want to in this lifetime andthey're not capable and no
matter what you say, don't wantto in this lifetime and they're
not capable, and no matter whatyou say, your partner may not be
interested and so the onlything you can control is
yourself and your own experience.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
A hundred percent.

Speaker 1 (16:27):
And if you can begin to shift into a.
This is happening for me.
Why is this happening for me?
Why am I getting triggered whenmy husband shows up in a
certain way?
Why am I feeling not enough?
Why is there a lack offulfillment?
I own that.
I own that and I have shifted along time ago a couple of
things that have helped me andthey help my clients.

(16:48):
One is I stopped thinking thatthe world was happening to me
and I decided to live under theassumption that the world was
happening for me.
Now, let me repeat that Istopped living under the belief
that the world was happening forme.
Now, let me repeat that Istopped living under the belief
that the world was happening tome, which was overwhelming.
If I thought that and I startedrecognizing okay, why is this

(17:09):
happening for me?
What is the value here?
And it could be the worst casescenario Somebody's got cancer,
you get in a car wreck, you knowawful things.
Why did that happen for me?
What is the value here?
How will?
Because it's already happened.
Right, it's already happened.
So what am I going to do withit?
I can sit here and be thevictim to it and lay on the sofa

(17:30):
for a month, and maybe I needto do that just to feel and heal
.
But how long am I going to dothat?
Because it's not that I gothere, it's how long do I stay
there and can I takeresponsibility?
Can I learn how to respond tomy life circumstance?
And the other piece thatshifted for me was when I
started asking the followingquestion you know, a partner

(17:53):
would show up in a certain wayor not show up in a certain way,
or a kid would say something tome or not say something to me.

Speaker 2 (18:00):
The way I wish they would.

Speaker 1 (18:01):
I began to ask the question okay, what am I making
this mean?
What am I making this mean?
Because if I takeresponsibility, ability to
respond, I'm the adult here,right, especially with our kids.
My 24-year-old has not beentexting me on a regular basis,
she has not been communicatinglike we did a year ago when I
sent her off on her way.

(18:22):
She doesn't communicate hardlyat all and I miss her so much.
Okay, what are you making thatmean?
What are you making that meanso powerful questions, powerful
reflection for me.

Speaker 3 (18:33):
No, I, I agree with that a hundred percent.
It's like well, there arecircumstances that happen in our
lives right, 100%.
Like there are circumstancesthat happen in our lives right
and we're going to human brainis automatically going to have a
thought and a feeling about it.
Sometimes we know what thosethoughts and feelings are,
sometimes they just happen likedeep down and we don't realize
it, but it is.
It's like what do I want tomake it mean about me or do I
not want to make it Because it'snot really about you?
That's right.
Like when somebody sayssomething or does something,

(18:54):
it's not really about you, it'sabout them.

Speaker 1 (18:56):
You know, I think that's the root of all suffering
, jay is expecting other peopleto show up for you, either one
the way you would show up inthat same circumstance, or two
the way you just wish they wouldRight.

Speaker 3 (19:10):
Right, you just wish they'd show up differently.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
That's the root of suffering.

Speaker 3 (19:14):
It is, it is, yeah, there's this playbook that we
carry around for everybody inour lives.
It is, it is, yeah, there'sthis playbook that we carry
around for everybody in ourlives, the people we love, the
people we come across, you knowregularly, and then people that
we interact with, one off Likewe have a standards and
expectations playbook for themand we never tell them what's in
that playbook, when we don'ttell them what's in our play and
that we're the lead and that wehave all these roles right,
like supporting roles and wealready know their script right

(19:52):
and we're like come on, youhaven't learned your script.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
God, you're really not playing along in this life.
I'm designing.
That's right, right.
So it's really funny.
I've actually played with somesecond guessing on the word
design, because it makes andthis is a more recent learning
to your point about I saw youkayaking, yeah, and I've been
trying to keep the phrasebecause it is kind of my logo,

(20:17):
if you will.
I've been using it for so long,it's part of my brand.
But this whole thought, Ithought okay, nikola, how can
you make sure that life bydesign?
Because this is my learning andbear with me as I talk to
people?

Speaker 3 (20:29):
Oh, please, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
It's really interesting, because what that
historically meant was that Imade shit happen.
I mean I was like, okay, well,what do I want?
All right, now what can I go doto make that happen?
I'm going to make that happen,right, and what I'm learning now
is that, you know, similar tomy previous marriage, right?

Speaker 2 (20:50):
I made that happen.
Okay, we're getting married.

Speaker 1 (20:51):
I want to be married.
I want this.
Oh, it looks so perfect.
Let me just do it.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Okay, why is this not in likewhat's going?
What, what happened?
I think I my biggest lesson islearning how to allow and
learning how to receive.
And that can still be a life bydesign, but it starts with my

(21:14):
way of being and I have been insuch a masculine energy and we
all have masculine and feminineenergies.
My resolution, like I'm reallyhave always been striving and
had to be in control, to feelsafe and to move forward in my
life and to become the nextexecutive blah, blah, blah or to
go run my own business and thatenergy is no longer serving me.

(21:36):
I'm exhausted.
That burnt me out.
It's burnt me out in thecorporate world.
It burnt me out after Ioriginally quit and that turned
into what I call the same circus, different tent.
I was still doing the samestuff and dreading Monday
morning.
I've gotten into a much morerelaxed way of being over the
last 10 years, I'd say, but Istill notice.

(21:57):
Where are you still striving,nicola, and what would it truly
look like to sit still and havefaith and thrive?
I mean, really let go, like,really trust the journey, like
really see if I could just beand allow that life by design to

(22:19):
come to me yeah, there's.

Speaker 3 (22:22):
I think people kind of get freaked out a little bit
when we talk about like, well,do we just allow, like our
energy to accept whatever energyis in the universe?
Right, people go.
Well, that's a little woohooish.
But no, there's, we're all,we're particles.
Right, humans, everything inthis world is made up of energy.
So it's like when you're in amore positive place and your
thoughts and your feelings likethat drives an energy that then

(22:44):
accepts things into your life,which I do I find people kind of
struggle with that a little bit.
But how else do you get itRight?
Oh, I work hard.
Well, you work hard because youhave thoughts and feelings
about the job that you're doingRight, and you may go down a a
certain path, but you can alsohave success without like
killing yourself right andhaving stress right.
And so I think, for people whoare like entering this emptiness

(23:06):
time where they're like well,do I still keep working because
nobody talks about, right, thekids leave and there's
retirement, so what happens inbetween?
Nobody, nobody talks about that.
It's just like there it is,there's that chunk that's right,
right, well, what do you wantto do like?
What do you want it to looklike.
That's why I like the life bydesign, I think, because it
helps you think about yeah, whatdo you want your life to look

(23:26):
like now?

Speaker 1 (23:27):
Well, I really like having those questions.
And you're absolutely right, weare all energy and like energy,
attracts like energy, and partof the coaching work that I do
is based on a concept calledenergy leadership and it's about
self-observation and that youare either coming at your world
catabolically, complaining,being dramatic, you know, oh, I

(23:47):
miss my kids so much.
Oh, my gosh, she's not textingme back, oh, she's ghosting me,
you know.
So even when I joke about that,I got to be careful because
it's a catabolic meaning thatI'm like oh, I'm feeling bad.
What am I really feeling badabout?
I'm just grieving her.
I'm just missing her.
I love her.
And do I want her to text meevery day?
No, I do not.

(24:08):
I'm actually quite proud thatwhen I shift that energy out of
the initial disappointment, Ican shift into what's called
anabolic energy and I can makeit mean something really
positive, which is, oh, I'm soexcited for her that she's
created such a life by design ofher own, that she's
self-sustaining, she'sself-aware, she doesn't need to

(24:30):
call me every five minutes.
Oh my gosh, I should becelebrating, right?
So when I shift my energy fromthat moment of catabolic
victimhood or fighter, like Ican't believe you didn't text me
back.
I've actually had an email withher about her phone where I got
mad at her.
I'm like, you know, I'm reallykind of tired of emailing you
about getting your damn phoneoff of my phone plan.

(24:51):
She's let that go on for a year.
I'm like, oh so there'ssomething there like the
frustration or the negativeenergy that I'm.
It's almost like I'm using itto connect and I know this is
this is kind of master's levelenergy work.
But I'm like what am I?
What is that really Like?

(25:11):
And maybe she's not dealingwith it, because if she actually
dealt with it, that's the lastthing still connecting us that
she relies on from me.
Oh yeah, think about that Right.
So, energetically, you're stilldealing with other people's
energy too.
So who knows, maybe she'savoiding my request to go to
damn AT&T again because shedoesn't want me to let her go,

(25:34):
that's right.
So you know what?
This is like an aha in thepodcast interview so I'm like
right.
So you know what this?

Speaker 3 (25:40):
is like an aha in the podcast interview.
So I'm like right, oh my God.

Speaker 1 (25:41):
It's amazing, this stuff.

Speaker 3 (25:43):
I think we're going to.
We're going to coin a new newphrase right here it's the
technological umbilical cord.

Speaker 1 (25:49):
Oh, that's exactly what's happening.
Or the, or the wallet.

Speaker 3 (25:53):
Yeah, yeah, it's still a lifeline.
It's her lifeline to you and toothers, but it's her lifeline
to you, right, staying connectedthat way.

Speaker 1 (26:03):
That's right that, whether it's symbolically and
literally, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 (26:08):
Both I love that, both I love it.
What's, what's something thatmakes you smile right now in
your life, the way that it is?

Speaker 1 (26:14):
Well, you make me smile.
I was so pleased that youjoined my live.
When I did kayak over to MasonBar Island yesterday I couldn't
read everybody's comments and,by the way, those comments don't
go to the live when you repostit I was like, oh, I wonder what
everybody said.
I was like, hey, jay, that wasreally awesome, though Things
you know.

(26:34):
Let me be clear I I'm goingthrough the empty nest, not only
for my kids, but for thisdivorce.
I'm only four months into thisdivorce, so I'm going through a
lot right now emotionally,energetically, and it is a
roller coaster of emotions.
So in the last seven days, whatmade me smile was, after many

(26:56):
days of sadness and grieving, Iwas able to find joy in just
getting up and going and makingsome plan to do something.
And even on Thursday I forcedmyself to get up and go to see
the Angel Oak.
I was staying in South Carolinaat my brother's house and he
was out of town and the AngelOak is a three or 400 year old

(27:19):
oak in South Carolina on John'sIsland and it's about six miles
from his house, and I was like,okay, I've got to leave the
house, like this is part of thechat, but for anybody an empty
house is just weird if you'vebeen in charge of people for a
really long time.
So I was like I've got to leavethe house and I work from home
too, so it's even harder.

(27:41):
Well, I got up and I drove tothat angel oak and I literally
hugged on this tree.
I was like he's so amazing, youshould go Google it right now.
It's so giant.
And I just kind of hugged onthe tree and I was forcing the
motions Like I didn't really.
And I just kind of hugged onthe tree and I was forcing the

(28:01):
motions Like I didn't really.
I'd been there before, I'd seenthis oak and I tried to really
get some of that earth,grounding, nature, energy.
And I even still wasn't feelingit.
So I just went and sat on abench and stared at her.
I sat there for a good 45minutes and just stared at the
oak and stared at people until Ifelt like, okay, you know, I've
done it.
I got up, I went outside,another day went by and then I

(28:25):
got invited to go see a friendat a local place.
It's like an old house turnedinto a bar and picnic tables and
bands and food trucks.
And I drove, you know fivehours back from Wadmalaw Island
right to the gathering.
And that night this was Fridaynight being with my friend and

(28:47):
all these new people, it's likea switch went off and I was like
, oh my God, I'm happy again.
This is it, I can live thislife.
I'm actually a new person.
This is not, I'm not the sameold person, and there was just
something about that connectionwith others and it really made
me smile.
And also the end of August mademe smile.
I was like, okay, september,it's like a new day, like I have

(29:10):
this fresh opportunity.
And so here I am.
Yesterday morning, withSeptember 1st, I got up and I
listened to that little nudge,that intuition that said, hey,
the tide's right, you can gokayak.
And I just kept doing it.
So here are the questions thatI want all your listeners to
write down, and I leverage thiswith my clients and I have been

(29:30):
leveraging it with me this pastweek what do I want and why?
And I have to really thinkabout my values and what really
matters most in my life bydesign, like, what do I want?
Well, I don't want to sit inthe house all day.
Okay, well, what do I want?
I want to go somewhere.
Okay, well, where could you go?
All right, well, I guess Icould go to look at the oak tree

(29:51):
.
Plus, I'm saving money.
I'm in the middle of like afinancial shift, so I can't
really go spend a shit ton ofmoney.
So I'm like, okay, well, whatcan you do for free?
So what do I want?
Next question Well, how is whatyou're doing getting you what
you want?
That's an important question.
If you want to work out andyou're laying in the bed, you're
not getting what you want,right.

(30:12):
So you want a healthy body.
If you want a life that doesn'tstay in the house all day, then
what do you want?
And how is what you're doinggetting you what you want?
If you are not getting what youwant, how willing are you to
try a different way?
How willing are you?
And if you're not willing, areyou willing to accept where you
are, without judgment?

(30:32):
And that's key.

Speaker 3 (30:35):
So good.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
Sometimes people are like, well, I don't really want
to go kayak because it takessuch effort and it's hot and
I'll be sweating and blah, blah,blah, and say, okay, well, are
you going to regret that?
Are you going to beat yourselfup because you never do it?
Or are you going to be like,okay, I've decided not to go
kayak because it's hot and Idon't want to sweat.
All right, great, next, next.
So what do you want?
How's what you're doing?

Speaker 3 (31:07):
Getting you what you want.
If you're not getting what youwant, are you willing to try a
different way?
And if you're not willing, areyou willing to accept what is
without judgment?
I love that.
Those are three phenomenalquestions.
And when you partner thosequestions with the idea of like
how many like, you know thephilosophy of like how many
summers?

Speaker 1 (31:13):
you have left, oh gosh yeah.
That makes me sad.

Speaker 3 (31:16):
So, but it does some people like oh, that's just
morbid, and like sad, but it'salso like yes, and yeah,
motivating, right.
It's yes, and it's like, if Igo by that measure as somebody
who is 56 and you know, takingthe average lifespan of a male
and he has, I have like 20,maybe 30 summers.

Speaker 1 (31:36):
No, you don't, you got you got a whole hundred.

Speaker 3 (31:48):
You're gonna live to be 100, like me.
I'm 55, yeah, I plan on gettingthere, yeah, but but the
thought is like, okay, how am Igonna maximize every summer?
And then you can also do it interms of like hours or days, I
think, yeah, and it's like 6,800and some odd days like okay,
that seems like a lot, but it'snot.
And I don't mean to be likethis is for, but it's not.
And I don't mean to be likethis is for me.
That's not a morbid like oh,depressing thought.
It's like, yes, like how am Igoing to become like have a life
by design?
How am I going to be obsessedabout my life?

(32:09):
And not like again, not overthe top.
It's like I just want everymoment to be what I choose it to
be and not feel guilty and nothave judgment about it and not
worry about what other peoplethink about it.
That's right and that, I think,is the key to how you live an
empty nest like.
Live an empty nest life thatyou love.

Speaker 1 (32:30):
Well, I think that we need to also put it in the
context of for those who arebased in first world countries
that are heavily influenced bycapitalism, I think we need to
step way back and also lookaround and see what you've
already created, Because mostpeople are going to be our age,
if they're listening to this, inour decade.
And let me be clear, I wouldhave so much money right now if

(32:53):
I had not gotten so caught up inthe more, more, better, better
thinking and all the money Ispent on stuff thinking and all
the money I spent on stuff, andso you probably got everything
you need.
Most people right.
Like I look out on this Creek.
I happened to be in mychildhood home that my father
built back in the late sixtiesand it's looks out on whiskey

(33:15):
Creek, and majority of thepeople on this Creek have boats
and most of them do not use them.
I think about that a lot.
Back to should I go kayaking?
Should I not go kayaking?
I'm like, step back and stop.
Like filling your time andenergy with more and more stuff.
Or you know, like, oh, weshould redo the kitchen again.

(33:37):
Or like, just stop Everybody.
Just stop and look around.
Like look at these books behindme.
I've got a bookshelf that'sfull.
Have I read all those books?
Not yet.
So go find a book, sit down andread.
This empty nest is anopportunity for you to no longer
have the excuse that you're toobusy, you know, hauling your
kids around, or we got to gomove into the dorm, or we got to

(33:59):
go help them with their essays.
Yeah, stop, Stop.
Stop abandoning yourself, Firstof all, anybody whose kids are
still at the house.
Start creating your own realityfor yourself now and start
playing with and using all theshit you bought, like there are.
How many of you got bikes inthe garage?
You haven't ridden that bike?
Who bought that mountain bikeand decided we're going to be

(34:21):
mountain bikers and then youdidn't do it?

Speaker 3 (34:23):
Exactly.

Speaker 1 (34:24):
I know I'm relating to somebody.
Go do the stuff, use your stuff.
Look at that coffee table bookthat you thought was just
perfect.
You had to buy on that one tripto Europe.
Okay, go read it again.
Go look at the pictures.
You get my point.

Speaker 3 (34:37):
I get it and it's such a valid point because I
think for the most part like,and people want to use things to
try and make themselves happy,but happiness doesn't come
externally.
Happiness comes from within andI think when you have a life by

(34:57):
design which is you know, we'llkeep going back to your info
right, life by design, or if youthis emptiness life, or you
want to have a happy life, itall comes from within and it
comes from your thoughts andfeelings about your life.
And if you're struggling withthat, then it's time to kind of
maybe reach out and findsomebody that you can work with,
because your life doesn'tchange until your thoughts and

(35:18):
feelings about it change.

Speaker 1 (35:20):
And it's natural to be afraid to look at those
thoughts and feelings.
It is so normal All of us.
I mean I wouldn't be goingthrough a round two here if I
had been more open to reallyasking myself what are you doing
?
You know and listening to thatintuition.
So the journaling is a greattool.

(35:42):
I really want to help enablepeople to help themselves, and
so I really encourage you to goget a pen and paper and start
asking yourself these types ofquestions.
The goal here is to become theobserver of yourself.
What we're talking about isconsciousness, consciousness,
and you're creating a spacebetween you and whatever you're

(36:03):
experiencing, like I call thiskind of like the no man's land,
between whatever just happened,whatever your kid just said, you
know whether they, you know theconcept of them leaving.
What is that space between youand them, or that circumstance?
That no man's land isconsciousness, where you can
take a breath, you can stop,observe what matters most to you

(36:25):
in this moment, understand youknow what kind of a legacy you
want to leave behind.
You know who am I in thismoment, what matters most to me
and how do I want to behave now,or what do I really want?
From an internal perspective,to your point, what matters most
to me, and the challenging partis that most of you have never

(36:46):
asked yourself the question.
And it's never too late.
It's just never too late.

Speaker 3 (36:51):
It is.
And before I let you go, let'sanswer that question for
yourself what does matter mostto you?

Speaker 1 (36:58):
There's so many things that matter to me, but I
feel like I had the greatfortune of having played the
game pretty intensely, the gamethat we were brainwashed to
believe is the only way to winin society, to the point.
I mean.
The fact that I quit that jobat 40, it doesn't mean I quit
that still that growth, beliefthat more, more, better, better
thinking.

(37:18):
But I feel like I've doneenough of it.
I feel kind of privileged tohave already done the game to
prove to myself that wasn't whatcreates happiness, that my only
goal now is to be content withme and it's a way of being.
And can I be okay with me?

(37:41):
And that means allowingeverybody else to be themselves
too.
Can I sit with a hat ofcuriosity for the next 50 years
and do the things that only makeme feel good?
Because I think the whole pointof being on this planet is to
go through the sensoryexperience where you feel good.

(38:01):
And if you can feel good, Idon't care if that's just one
moment at a time.
You know it feels good to gotake my laptop and work outside
today.
That felt good, okay.
Well, it feels good to drinkwater out of a big giant Yeti.
Okay, that felt good.
It feels good to text mydaughter and tell her I love her
.
Whatever is creating that blissfor you, that's all that matters

(38:21):
.
And if it's service oriented orif it's, I want to sleep for
three days.
That's okay.
It's your life, it's yourdesign and you cannot get it
wrong.
And I want to be in a spacewhere I actually feel content
with those types of choices,where I'm not second guessing it
or worrying or anxious.
Can I just be okay and go withthe flow and just take it one

(38:44):
day at a time and sit in a spaceof faith that I can just be?
You know we're human beings,not human doings.
So that's, that's my.
I can't remember exactly howyou worded the question.

Speaker 3 (38:58):
Yeah, that's a great.
It's like the whole idea ofjust being instead of doing.
I think that I think that kindof sums up your whole journey.
So far is like before you are ahuman who was doing and now
you're a human who's being andyou can actually be successful
and have a great life in eachscenarios.

Speaker 1 (39:17):
And so it is, and so it shall be.
Yes, thank you.

Speaker 3 (39:21):
Yeah, nicola, thank you for being here.
Where can people find you ifthey're interested in Life by
Design?

Speaker 1 (39:26):
Well, I would love for you guys to listen to my
podcast as well Coffee withNicola.
It's on all the podcastplatforms.
I'm currently blending mywebsite, so soon you will only
be able to access me atNicolacoach.
That's an actual websiteaddress Nicolacoach.
Nicoacoach that's an actualwebsite address nicoacoach.

(39:46):
There is a coffeewithnicoacomthat we'll be combining.
I don't know when this willpost, so you can also find me on
Coffee with Nicoa on Instagramand on Facebook, and you can
find me on LinkedIn.
So all the social mediachannels, tiktok included.
I'm not as popular as you areon TikTok, but I do my best to
keep up with your amazing postsand you're just a real
inspiration for me.

(40:07):
So thank you very much andthanks for those of you who
don't know, jay was on mypodcast, so feel free to go take
.
Start your introduction toCoffee with Nicole by listening
to the Empty Nest interview thatwe conducted a few months back.

Speaker 3 (40:21):
Thanks, nicole, appreciate it so good to see you
, as always.

Speaker 1 (40:24):
Always good to see you, man.
I'll talk to you again later.

Speaker 3 (40:27):
All right, take care.

Speaker 2 (40:28):
Are you ready to start living and enjoying your
empty nest years?
If so, head over to JasonRamsden dot com and click work
with me to get the conversationstarted.
This empty nest life is aproduction of Impact.
One Media LLC.
All rights reserved.