95. Mom Grief

You know what mom guilt is, but do you know what Mom Grief is? As your teen changes, evolves and grows up it is normal to experience grief as they transition through different stages. With each new stage, your teen outgrows an earlier version of themselves - usually one you have learned to love and cherish!

It is only natural that you would have to grieve that loss, but so often we try to shrug it off and wonder what is wrong with us. If we can learn how to embrace it instead, we can recognize grief as a normal, even necessary, part of parenting. 

Discover the overlooked times when you might experience mom grief and learn the 3 simple steps for using grief as a tool to move you forward in your parenting journey. 

Full Show Notes at: https://www.jenbelltate.com/blog/mom-guilt

 

Mentioned on the Show:

• Get my free Processing Emotions mini-course to learn how to process grief.
• Join the free Teens are the Worst Facebook Group to ask questions and continue this conversation
• Parenting teens doesn’t have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now to get everything you need to make parenting teens easier!
• Follow me on Instagram and Facebook

Episode Transcript

(00:27):
As parents of teens, we talka lot about the emotional
rollercoaster that our kids are on.
The ups, the downs, the twists andturns, the never knowing from moment
to moment and day to day what weare going to get from our teens.
But I think one of the things weforget to talk about is that as
parents, we are also riding our ownemotional rollercoaster as well.

(00:51):
Yeah, it looks different from ourteen's emotional rollercoaster, but
we are still experiencing all theups and downs and twists and turns
that parenting brings into our lives.
And while on this podcast, I havetalked a lot about emotions, how
to manage them, how to respond tothem, how we need to be the emotional

(01:13):
thermostat for our kids instead ofbeing an emotional thermometer for them.
I think it's also really importantto acknowledge that we are humans and
we have emotions and they are normal.
And part of the experience of beinga parent is that we are going to have

(01:33):
some emotions That are challenging.
And one of those emotions that I thinkwe don't talk about enough is grief.
Grief is the emotion that we feel when welose someone or something that we love.
And I think it's so importantthat we acknowledge that grief is
a part of the parenting journey.

(01:55):
As our kids grow and evolve andbecome who they are going to become,
they also leave behind versions ofthemselves that we have grown to love.
They leave behind phases andstages of their life that we have
cherished, that we have enjoyed.
And so it's only natural thatwe would experience grief as

(02:17):
part of our parenting journey.
I think this is one of the main reasonswhy it is so challenging for parents
who are just on the brink of enteringthe teen years, because they see that
this little kid who they just love andadore is changing into someone else.
And they aren't sure if they'regoing to like that someone else
because society has told us that youprobably won't like your teenager.

(02:41):
And so they dread that because theywant to hang on to these moments
that they have with this littlekid as long as they possibly can.
And if you are in this stage ofparenting, I want you to know that I am
right there with you and I understand.
In just about a month, my twins,the babies of our family, are going
to graduate from elementary school.

(03:03):
That will end an era of 15 years ofbeing an elementary school parent.
And while I am looking forward tothe next phase of their life with
excitement and not dread because Iactually love having teenagers, there
is also some grief that comes withthis change and this transition.

(03:24):
I can already see how some of that sweetunconditional love they have for their
mama is being replaced with disinterest.
Or sometimes even disdain.
I can see all the signs thatthey're becoming more independent.
That they're less interested in hangingout with me and with our family, and
more interested in doing things ontheir own and with their friends.

(03:46):
And so it makes total sense thatI'm feeling a little bit of grief
about this transition because I'mlosing something that I have loved.
At the same time, I have a daughterwho is about to get her driver's
permit, and she is so excited forthis new level of freedom and learning
that she is about to embark on.

(04:06):
And I'm excited for her, and I know howhelpful it is to have kids that drive
because I've done this a couple oftimes, and man, it is a life changer.
But it also comes with grief.
I'm going to miss those momentsin the car when she tells me all
about everything that happened.
at the activity I just picked her up from.
I'm going to miss hearing theconversations in my back seat

(04:29):
between her and her friends andknowing all the things that are
going on in the world of high school.
And of course, having done thisbefore, I know that this also
means she won't be around as much.
And it makes perfect sense that I wouldfeel some grief about this because again,
I'm losing something that I have loved.

(04:50):
Another one of my daughters startedher first job a few months ago.
It has been so exciting for herand so fun for me to watch her step
into her role as an employee, butit also has come with some grief.
Now that she has a job, we'velost a little bit of that
freedom we had in scheduling.
I remember feeling the same way whenmy oldest started high school, and all

(05:13):
of a sudden we lost so much flexibilityin when we could plan family vacations.
No longer could we just pick up andgo on vacation whenever we wanted
because the flights were cheap or thepark was going to be less crowded.
Instead, we had to work aroundschool schedules and sports
practices and tournaments.
And it makes total sense that I would feelsome grief because I loved that freedom.

(05:37):
And for all the moms out therewho are just wrapping up their
child's last year of high school,that comes with a lot of grief.
Every last sport, every lastactivity, every last dance
comes with a tinge of grief.
Because you are losingsomething you have loved.
I hope that as I have talked aboutthese different times when I have

(06:01):
felt grief as a parent, that it hasvalidated your own experience of grief
in the transitions and changes thatyou have experienced with your teen.
And I want to share some ideasfor how to navigate that grief,
what to do when it comes up.
But before I do, I want to talk about afew more situations where you might find

(06:23):
yourself experiencing grief as a parent.
If your child has ever received adiagnosis that has a significant
impact on their You have probablyexperienced quite a bit of grief
in association with that diagnosis.
Grief about the experiencesthis child is going to face.
Grief about the impact it'sgoing to have on your family.

(06:45):
Grief about all the things thatmight change for them and for you.
If you have felt this way, I wantyou to know that this is normal.
It is okay, and more than okay, it'sactually necessary for you to grieve the
loss of the life you thought you weregoing to have when that diagnosis, and
the reality of what it means in yourlife and in your child's life and in your

(07:08):
family's life, hits you flat in the face.
Similarly, when your child faceschallenges that you had hoped they would
never have to endure, it is normal and itis appropriate to feel grief about that.
This could include addiction, orfaith crisis, or questioning their
gender identity or orientation, orself harm, or bullying, or loneliness.

(07:32):
All of these, and so many morechallenges that your teen might
face, Take away the life experienceyou thought you were going to have.
And it is so normal tofeel grief about that.
And finally, you might feel a lot ofgrief when you look back on all the

(07:52):
things you've done as a parent andwish you had done things differently.
It is normal and natural to feelsome grief that you didn't know then
what you know now, that you didn'tdo then what you know to do now,
that you didn't learn this earlier.
And when we don't realize that we needto grieve this, that we need to grieve

(08:16):
the fact that we didn't know better,that we didn't learn it earlier,
that we didn't do it differently,we stay stuck forever in regret.
The beautiful thing about grief is thatit is an emotion that moves us forward.
Grief allows us to acknowledge the lossthat we have experienced, without judging

(08:37):
it, and then allow it to become a part ofus, to teach us something, so that we can
move forward embracing what we still have.
When you experience grief in yourparenting, whether it's from a normal
transition that we all go through,or a challenge that your teen is

(08:58):
facing, or a diagnosis that has comeinto your life, or even just wishing
things were different than they are,or mourning the loss of the life that
you thought you were going to have.
There are three things that you cando that will help you get through it.
First, you have to acknowledge it.
You have to name it, call it what it is.

(09:21):
This is grief that I am experiencingbecause I have lost something
I cared about, or I have lostsomething I thought I was going
to have that I really cared about.
This is normal.
Know that if you experiencegrief in your parenting, there
is nothing wrong with you.
This is a normal part of your experience.

(09:43):
In order to acknowledge it, sometimesit's really helpful to just talk
through it with a friend or a coach or acounselor, or even to journal about it.
Recognize that this is an indicationof something that you love, something
that you really care about, and thatis why you are experiencing grief.
So often, part of this is just lettinggo of all the judgment that you have

(10:06):
for yourself for experiencing grief.
Grief doesn't mean you're notexcited for the next phase.
Grief doesn't mean you don'taccept your child for who they are.
Grief doesn't mean that you aren'tgoing to take on this challenge
and get through it together.
Grief just means that you have lostsomething that you cared about.

(10:27):
And truly, that issomething to appreciate.
After you have acknowledged your grief,without judgment, you have to allow
yourself to feel it in your body.
None of us want to feel grief becauseit doesn't feel particularly good.
But, we have to allowourselves to experience it.

(10:49):
If you don't know how to process anemotion in your body, I do have a free
mini class that you can download that willwalk you through that process and give
you a little cheat sheet of how to do it.
But especially when it comes togrief, we cannot put a time limit
on how long we will experience it.
Grief, like many of our emotions, willcome and go like waves in the ocean.

(11:14):
Some of those waves are goingto be huge and intense and feel
really strong, and others arejust going to be gentle and small.
And we have to be willing to allowthe grief, regardless of its size.
The only way through grief is to allow it.
And finally, we have to letour grief move us forward.

(11:37):
My favorite way to learn from griefis to let it be a clue about what I
really care about, what really mattersmost to me in my life so that I can
spend more of my time and more of myenergy and more of my effort there.
When that wave of grief comes and washesover us because our child is moving to

(11:59):
a new phase of life or a new school ora new group of friends, and we feel some
grief about it, we can look back at theexperience we've had and think, what is
it that I love and care about so muchin the experience they've been having?
Because there's a good chancethat there actually will be a lot
of that in the next phase, too.

(12:20):
And we just have to be watching forit and looking for the different ways
it might show up so that we can enjoyit in the moment before it's gone.
If you're feeling grief over a diagnosisthat your child has been given, consider
what it is that you loved and caredabout that you are now going to miss.
And think about how that can still beyours, how you can still have what you

(12:45):
want, maybe in a different package and ina different way than you thought it was
going to come, but it can still be yours.
And when you feel grief about what youwish you had done differently, recognize
that that is a sign of what you careabout, of what you love, of what you
value most, and that can help youfocus on those things moving forward.

(13:10):
The message that I hope you will takewith you from this episode today is that
grief is a very normal part of parenting.
It is an indication of the thingsyou love and care about the most.
And when you allow it to be partof your experience and allow it
to teach you, your life will getbetter and better as a result.