April 30, 2024 • 13 mins
We are currently facing an epidemic of low self-esteem in teenagers and it is more important than ever that we build their confidence and sense of self worth at home. Our teens are bombarded with messages everywhere they turn about how they should be different than they are, so it can be tricky to raise secure teens who know their worth.
In this episode, we talk about one of the surprising places our teens are getting these self-esteem damaging messages and what we can do about it! You will see your teen through a whole new lens that will help you build their confidence.
I'll also share how my experience working with parents just like you, has uncovered a crucial first step in helping our teens with their self esteem and give you something tangible to start doing today!
Despite the challenges we face in raising teens who are secure in who they are, this episode offers HOPE that your efforts CAN make a difference!
Full Show Notes at: www.jenbelltate.com/blog/low-self-esteem-in-teenagers
Mentioned on the Show:
- Get my free Processing Emotions mini-course to learn the skill you need to stay calm when your teen isn’t.
- Join the free Teens are the Worst Facebook Group to ask questions and continue this conversation
- Parenting teens doesn’t have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now to get everything you need to make parenting teens easier!
- Follow me on Instagram and Facebook
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:26):
I think that one thing all of us wantas parents of teenagers is to help our
kids build their self esteem, build theirconfidence and security in who they are.
And it's something that isreally a struggle in the
world we live in right now.
Self esteem at its very coreis a deep understanding of your
(00:50):
value, your worth as a human.
And I think that there are so manyinfluences that are impacting our
teenagers ability to develop thatsense of worth and value as a human.
They are getting messages.
Thousands of times a day about whothey should be, how they should be,
how they should look, how they shouldact, who they should be friends with.
(01:14):
And of course, they're getting alot of these messages from social
media and from the media in general,from movies and books and TV shows.
But they're also getting these messagesfrom the people around them every day.
They're getting thesemessages from their friends.
And from the people, they wouldn'teven consider to be friends.
(01:34):
And they're getting these messageswithin the four walls of our own homes.
And while we can't bubble wrap ourkids and protect them from all the
influences outside of our home,we are the ones in control of the
message we are sharing in our homes.
And we have to make sure that thatmessage about who they are, about
(01:58):
their worth and their value as a humanis coming through loud and clear.
And I think that we could all get on boardand agree that this is so, so important.
We all want to send our kids the messagethat they are good just the way they are.
(02:18):
And yet, so often, the message thatwe as parents are sending to our
teenagers is that they are not good.
The way they are, that in fact,they need to change, that they need
to be different, that they needto be something else to be good.
And I know that's not the message thatany of us want to be sending to our kids.
(02:40):
And yet we don't actually understand ourworth or theirs on a deep enough level
that we can communicate anything else.
Even if our words are saying, you aregood, you are valued, you are whole, our
actions are saying something different.
Because we don't actually believe that.
(03:02):
So many parents actually do believe thattheir teen would be better if they were
different, if they were more motivated, ifthey were more outgoing, if they were more
dedicated, if they were more responsible.
And while those traits and qualities willserve them, for sure, we want to develop
(03:23):
all of those things, the message thatthey are not good unless they are those
things is the message that is comingthrough loud and clear to our teenagers.
And it is a message wehave got to stop sending.
As I have worked with dozens ofmoms, I have realized that the
(03:45):
root of this message actually hasnothing to do with your teenager.
In fact, it has everything todo with you, with your belief
about your own value as a human.
When you believe on a deep level thatyour worth is dependent on what you
(04:08):
do and how well you do it and howmuch you contribute in the world.
That somehow contributing more anddoing more and being more and doing
it better makes you more valuable.
You will send that message to yourteenager, whether you like it or
not, whether you're trying to or not.
(04:30):
And they will internalizethat message about themselves.
But as with everything I teach hereon the podcast, I am here to bring you
hope that you do not have to continueto think this way about yourself.
And you do not have to continueto think this way about your teen.
And you do not have to continue sendingthis message to your teenager in the
(04:53):
walls of your own home every single day.
You do not have to reinforce themessages that are coming at them
from all the external sources thatare telling them they're not enough.
But it has to start with you.
So let's talk about worth.
Let's better understand whereworth comes from and what worth
(05:16):
really means in our lives.
To illustrate this, I want you to imaginea fresh, crisp, newly printed $100 bill.
I want you to imagine what itsmells like, and what it looks
like, and how it feels in your hand.
When we hold that 100 billin our hands, It is full of
(05:38):
possibility and potential, right?
There are so many different waysthat we could spend this 100 bill,
and it's so fun to hold it in ourhands because it's crisp and new.
But what about when that 100 billhas been spent hundreds and thousands
of times over, and it's lookinga little bit crumpled, or maybe
(06:01):
a little bit ripped on an edge?
Or maybe someone's toddler foundit and decided to make it their
new coloring project and there'swriting or coloring all over it.
Imagine holding that hundreddollar bill in your hand.
What does it feel like?
What does it look like?
What does it smell like?
(06:21):
In reality, we'd probably all ratherhave the crisp hundred dollar bill
that doesn't leave a film of filthon our fingers when we set it down.
But does it really matter?
Both of those bills Are worth $100.
From the minute it is printedto the minute it is destroyed,
(06:42):
that a hundred dollar bill willalways have $100 worth of value.
And fun fact, even if a hundred dollarsbill gets ripped and part of the bill is
missing, as long as you still have threequarters of that a hundred dollar bill.
It is still worth the full $100and you can still spend it.
(07:07):
If you are missing more than a quarterof the bill, you can actually submit that
bill to the mutilated currency divisionand they will put it through some checks
and balances to make sure there's no fraudgoing on and determine whether they can
reimburse you for the amount of that bill.
The value of the 100 billis never less than $100.
(07:30):
And you my friend, are the same.
Now you are infinitely morevaluable than a $100 bill.
That is a fact.
But for the sake of this example,I'm going to use a hundred dollars
to represent the value of a human.
When you were born, you werefresh and clean and new and crisp
(07:54):
like that a hundred dollars bill.
You were worth $100.
You were worth 100% of thevalue of a human being.
And throughout your life, you'veprobably gotten some bumps and
bruises, some scratches, some rips.
You've been crinkled and wrinkled,and possibly even a whole corner
(08:15):
of you has been ripped off.
You have been colored on, and you havebeen made to believe that in this crinkled
and wrinkled and crumpled state that youare worth less than a hundred dollars.
But you are worth 100dollars, no matter what.
Your value has been set sincethe beginning of your existence,
(08:38):
and nothing can change the value.
But let's circle back to theidea that I shared earlier in the
episode about thinking that ourteens would be better if they were
more responsible, if they were morerespectful, if they were more motivated.
How does this have to do with worth?
The worth of a hundred dollarbill does not change depending
(09:03):
on where you spend it.
That 100 bill is worth 100dollars of lifesaving medication.
It's worth 100 dollarsof hard street drugs.
It's worth 100 dollars ofmeals for the homeless.
It's worth 100 dollars of concert tickets.
(09:24):
Where you spend the money doesnot change the value of the money.
It changes the impact thatmoney has on the world.
It changes how you feel about themoney you've spent, and it might even
change how you feel about money ingeneral, but the value of the money.
(09:44):
doesn't change.
And your value and your teen'svalue as a human does not change
depending on what you decide tospend your value doing in the world.
When we can start to see ourselvesas the whole and valuable humans
that we are, when we can see thatwe are worth a hundred dollars,
(10:07):
even if we've been walking aroundthinking we were a five dollar bill,
we are worth one hundred dollars.
And when we can see our teensthat way, too, everything changes.
When we see that they are inherentlygood, we will treat them differently.
We won't have to be so afraid of whatwill happen if they're not more motivated,
(10:29):
or more responsible, or more respectful.
Because we know that their valueis not dependent on any of that.
Their value is set.
They are worthy.
They are good just the way they are.
And the only thing thatchanges is what they want to
spend that hundred dollars on.
(10:50):
How do they want to spend their life?
What is the contribution theywant to make with their value?
And when they know their value,they're not going to try and make $5
worth of contribution in the worldwhen they are a hundred dollar bill.
But we have to make sure that themessage we are sending our teens is
(11:13):
that they are a hundred dollar bill.
They are not a 1 bill.
They are not a 5 bill.
They do not need to change or bedifferent to be a hundred dollar bill.
They have been a hundred dollar billsince the moment they were created,
and they will be a hundred dollarbill for the rest of their existence.
(11:33):
I was talking with a client aboutthis exact topic the other day,
and she asked me the best question.
She said, I want to believe this, andI know that this is what is holding
me back in so many places in my life,but I don't know how to believe this.
This client grew up thinking that shewas a 5 bill and that the only way to
(11:56):
increase her value was to be more andto do more and to contribute more.
So I told her a belief is just a thoughtthat we have practiced over and over so
many times that it has become automatic.
And if you want to believe somethingdifferent, you just have to practice
(12:19):
believing the new thought over and overand over until it becomes automatic.
So if you want to improve your teen selfesteem, if you want to make sure that
the message they are getting insideof your home about who they are is
one that says you are inherentlygood, you are inherently valuable,
(12:43):
you are inherently worthy, you haveto practice believing that about
them over and over and over again.
And you can't believe that about themif you don't believe that about you.
All right, we're taking a breath.
I feel like I have been up on mysoapbox for this entire podcast episode
because this is something I just feelso strongly and so passionately about.
(13:08):
The way we see ourselvesand the way we see our teens
impacts everything else we do.
It is the sturdy foundation upon whicheverything else in our lives is built.
I want you to know that I see your value.
I know that you are a hundred dollar bill.
And if you ever forget it, if you'reever struggling to believe it, I
(13:31):
would love to help you remember.
I think that one thing all of us wantas parents of teenagers is to help our
kids build their self esteem, build theirconfidence and security in who they are.
And it's something that isreally a struggle in the
world we live in right now.
Self esteem at its very coreis a deep understanding of your
(00:50):
value, your worth as a human.
And I think that there are so manyinfluences that are impacting our
teenagers ability to develop thatsense of worth and value as a human.
They are getting messages.
Thousands of times a day about whothey should be, how they should be,
how they should look, how they shouldact, who they should be friends with.
(01:14):
And of course, they're getting alot of these messages from social
media and from the media in general,from movies and books and TV shows.
But they're also getting these messagesfrom the people around them every day.
They're getting thesemessages from their friends.
And from the people, they wouldn'teven consider to be friends.
(01:34):
And they're getting these messageswithin the four walls of our own homes.
And while we can't bubble wrap ourkids and protect them from all the
influences outside of our home,we are the ones in control of the
message we are sharing in our homes.
And we have to make sure that thatmessage about who they are, about
(01:58):
their worth and their value as a humanis coming through loud and clear.
And I think that we could all get on boardand agree that this is so, so important.
We all want to send our kids the messagethat they are good just the way they are.
(02:18):
And yet, so often, the message thatwe as parents are sending to our
teenagers is that they are not good.
The way they are, that in fact,they need to change, that they need
to be different, that they needto be something else to be good.
And I know that's not the message thatany of us want to be sending to our kids.
(02:40):
And yet we don't actually understand ourworth or theirs on a deep enough level
that we can communicate anything else.
Even if our words are saying, you aregood, you are valued, you are whole, our
actions are saying something different.
Because we don't actually believe that.
(03:02):
So many parents actually do believe thattheir teen would be better if they were
different, if they were more motivated, ifthey were more outgoing, if they were more
dedicated, if they were more responsible.
And while those traits and qualities willserve them, for sure, we want to develop
(03:23):
all of those things, the message thatthey are not good unless they are those
things is the message that is comingthrough loud and clear to our teenagers.
And it is a message wehave got to stop sending.
As I have worked with dozens ofmoms, I have realized that the
(03:45):
root of this message actually hasnothing to do with your teenager.
In fact, it has everything todo with you, with your belief
about your own value as a human.
When you believe on a deep level thatyour worth is dependent on what you
(04:08):
do and how well you do it and howmuch you contribute in the world.
That somehow contributing more anddoing more and being more and doing
it better makes you more valuable.
You will send that message to yourteenager, whether you like it or
not, whether you're trying to or not.
(04:30):
And they will internalizethat message about themselves.
But as with everything I teach hereon the podcast, I am here to bring you
hope that you do not have to continueto think this way about yourself.
And you do not have to continueto think this way about your teen.
And you do not have to continue sendingthis message to your teenager in the
(04:53):
walls of your own home every single day.
You do not have to reinforce themessages that are coming at them
from all the external sources thatare telling them they're not enough.
But it has to start with you.
So let's talk about worth.
Let's better understand whereworth comes from and what worth
(05:16):
really means in our lives.
To illustrate this, I want you to imaginea fresh, crisp, newly printed $100 bill.
I want you to imagine what itsmells like, and what it looks
like, and how it feels in your hand.
When we hold that 100 billin our hands, It is full of
(05:38):
possibility and potential, right?
There are so many different waysthat we could spend this 100 bill,
and it's so fun to hold it in ourhands because it's crisp and new.
But what about when that 100 billhas been spent hundreds and thousands
of times over, and it's lookinga little bit crumpled, or maybe
(06:01):
a little bit ripped on an edge?
Or maybe someone's toddler foundit and decided to make it their
new coloring project and there'swriting or coloring all over it.
Imagine holding that hundreddollar bill in your hand.
What does it feel like?
What does it look like?
What does it smell like?
(06:21):
In reality, we'd probably all ratherhave the crisp hundred dollar bill
that doesn't leave a film of filthon our fingers when we set it down.
But does it really matter?
Both of those bills Are worth $100.
From the minute it is printedto the minute it is destroyed,
(06:42):
that a hundred dollar bill willalways have $100 worth of value.
And fun fact, even if a hundred dollarsbill gets ripped and part of the bill is
missing, as long as you still have threequarters of that a hundred dollar bill.
It is still worth the full $100and you can still spend it.
(07:07):
If you are missing more than a quarterof the bill, you can actually submit that
bill to the mutilated currency divisionand they will put it through some checks
and balances to make sure there's no fraudgoing on and determine whether they can
reimburse you for the amount of that bill.
The value of the 100 billis never less than $100.
(07:30):
And you my friend, are the same.
Now you are infinitely morevaluable than a $100 bill.
That is a fact.
But for the sake of this example,I'm going to use a hundred dollars
to represent the value of a human.
When you were born, you werefresh and clean and new and crisp
(07:54):
like that a hundred dollars bill.
You were worth $100.
You were worth 100% of thevalue of a human being.
And throughout your life, you'veprobably gotten some bumps and
bruises, some scratches, some rips.
You've been crinkled and wrinkled,and possibly even a whole corner
(08:15):
of you has been ripped off.
You have been colored on, and you havebeen made to believe that in this crinkled
and wrinkled and crumpled state that youare worth less than a hundred dollars.
But you are worth 100dollars, no matter what.
Your value has been set sincethe beginning of your existence,
(08:38):
and nothing can change the value.
But let's circle back to theidea that I shared earlier in the
episode about thinking that ourteens would be better if they were
more responsible, if they were morerespectful, if they were more motivated.
How does this have to do with worth?
The worth of a hundred dollarbill does not change depending
(09:03):
on where you spend it.
That 100 bill is worth 100dollars of lifesaving medication.
It's worth 100 dollarsof hard street drugs.
It's worth 100 dollars ofmeals for the homeless.
It's worth 100 dollars of concert tickets.
(09:24):
Where you spend the money doesnot change the value of the money.
It changes the impact thatmoney has on the world.
It changes how you feel about themoney you've spent, and it might even
change how you feel about money ingeneral, but the value of the money.
(09:44):
doesn't change.
And your value and your teen'svalue as a human does not change
depending on what you decide tospend your value doing in the world.
When we can start to see ourselvesas the whole and valuable humans
that we are, when we can see thatwe are worth a hundred dollars,
(10:07):
even if we've been walking aroundthinking we were a five dollar bill,
we are worth one hundred dollars.
And when we can see our teensthat way, too, everything changes.
When we see that they are inherentlygood, we will treat them differently.
We won't have to be so afraid of whatwill happen if they're not more motivated,
(10:29):
or more responsible, or more respectful.
Because we know that their valueis not dependent on any of that.
Their value is set.
They are worthy.
They are good just the way they are.
And the only thing thatchanges is what they want to
spend that hundred dollars on.
(10:50):
How do they want to spend their life?
What is the contribution theywant to make with their value?
And when they know their value,they're not going to try and make $5
worth of contribution in the worldwhen they are a hundred dollar bill.
But we have to make sure that themessage we are sending our teens is
(11:13):
that they are a hundred dollar bill.
They are not a 1 bill.
They are not a 5 bill.
They do not need to change or bedifferent to be a hundred dollar bill.
They have been a hundred dollar billsince the moment they were created,
and they will be a hundred dollarbill for the rest of their existence.
(11:33):
I was talking with a client aboutthis exact topic the other day,
and she asked me the best question.
She said, I want to believe this, andI know that this is what is holding
me back in so many places in my life,but I don't know how to believe this.
This client grew up thinking that shewas a 5 bill and that the only way to
(11:56):
increase her value was to be more andto do more and to contribute more.
So I told her a belief is just a thoughtthat we have practiced over and over so
many times that it has become automatic.
And if you want to believe somethingdifferent, you just have to practice
(12:19):
believing the new thought over and overand over until it becomes automatic.
So if you want to improve your teen selfesteem, if you want to make sure that
the message they are getting insideof your home about who they are is
one that says you are inherentlygood, you are inherently valuable,
(12:43):
you are inherently worthy, you haveto practice believing that about
them over and over and over again.
And you can't believe that about themif you don't believe that about you.
All right, we're taking a breath.
I feel like I have been up on mysoapbox for this entire podcast episode
because this is something I just feelso strongly and so passionately about.
(13:08):
The way we see ourselvesand the way we see our teens
impacts everything else we do.
It is the sturdy foundation upon whicheverything else in our lives is built.
I want you to know that I see your value.
I know that you are a hundred dollar bill.
And if you ever forget it, if you'reever struggling to believe it, I
(13:31):
would love to help you remember.
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