SUMMER BONUS: Stop Saying NO to Your Teen

Stop saying NO to your teen and learn 4 simple ways to turn a "No" into a "YES" without being a pushover!

What most parents don't realize is that when you say YES more often, your NO actually becomes more impactful.

Plus, the simple tips in this episode will help you say YES without sacrificing your values, your teen’s safety OR your relationship with your teen.

If you really want to end power struggles, enhance connection and have more influence with your teen, join the ENJOY community today.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello.
Hello.
I'm so excited to be back hereon the podcast with you today.
I am taking a podcasting break forthe summer because I've just been
traveling all over with my family andenjoying family time, and I'm loving
that, but I do miss connecting with youevery single week here on the podcast.
So today I want to share one of myfavorite podcast episodes I have ever

(00:24):
done, because I recently realized that Ineeded to go back and listen to this one
again, it has such practical tips to helpyou field all the bajillion questions
that are coming at you every single day.
All summer long, because if yourkids are like mine, they want to
know if they can do this, if theycan do that, can I be on the screen?

(00:45):
Can I go here?
Can you drive me?
And it's like questionscoming at you all day long.
And we as parents have a tendency,or maybe just me as a parent has
a tendency to want to just say no.
So I don't have to think about it.
So I don't have to make those decisionsall day long, every single day.
But getting in a habit of sayingno all the time can really damage

(01:09):
your relationship with your teen.
It can put them on the defensive and makethem feel like you are the enemy and you
are working against everything they want.
So in this episode, I sharefour ways to turn your nose into
yeses without being permissive.
Whether this is your first timehearing this episode or you have

(01:30):
heard it before, I hope that itwill be a good reminder and motivate
you to try and say yes more often.
I have to be honest, the reason thisepisode is the one that is being shared
is because it's an episode that Irecently needed to go back and listen
to, to be inspired and motivated myself.

(01:52):
So without further ado, hereis Stop Saying No to Your Teen.

(02:24):
One of my kids favorite bookswhen they were little was Yes Day.
It's a book all about the one daya year when mom and dad have to say
yes to every request the child makes.
Ice cream for breakfast.
Yes.
Have a food fight?
Yes.
Stay up extra late?
Yes.

(02:44):
I think the reason my kids loved this bookso much was because so much of the time
the answer that they got from me was no.
It wasn't that I didn't want to say yes orthat I didn't want them to have any fun.
It was just that logistically it wasreally difficult for me to say yes
when I was busy managing our householdand all of the kids inside of it.

(03:05):
But over time, I got so used tosaying no to their requests that I
noticed it was almost my automaticresponse to go right to a no.
And I'm guessing I'm not alone in this.
Please tell me I'm not alone in this.
I think a lot of parents actually getin the mode of saying no automatically,
unless there's a really compellingreason that they want to say yes.

(03:28):
But today I want to encourage you todo the work to flip that script so
that instead of automatically sayingno to your kids, you automatically
say yes to them, unless there's areally compelling reason to say no.
In this episode, I'm going to giveyou all the tools you need to be a yes
parent without becoming a permissiveparent or letting your teens walk all

(03:51):
over you and take advantage of you.
But before we dive into the practicalapplication, there's something
that you really have to understand.
Every single time you say no to your teen,you step into the role of the opposition.
Essentially, you become the opposingteam that's trying to prevent your
teen from the thing they really want.

(04:12):
And since your teen is already hardwiredto want to oppose you, this is going
to really perpetuate all of those powerstruggles that you have with them when
they start to see you as the opposition.
But even more than that, it isgoing to cause you to see yourself
as the opposition and to feel likeyou are always playing defense.

(04:35):
This is one of the reasons whyparenting is so mentally exhausting.
Because nobody wants to bethe bad guy all the time.
No one wants to be the oneplaying defense all the time.
But every time we say no to our teens,we step into that role of being the
bad guy and we reinforce ourselvesas the opposition, not only in

(04:57):
their mind, but in our mind as well.
And this can create a verynegative experience as a parent.
On the other hand, every timewe say yes, it's as if we are
playing for the same team.
Our teenager sees us as being ontheir side, as wanting, for them,
what they want for themselves.

(05:17):
And we get to experience thatsense of unity and camaraderie
that comes when you're workingtogether toward a common goal.
And it probably goes without saying,but this leads to fewer power struggles,
more connection, and a strongerrelationship between you and your teen.
It also means that when you do sayno, because you will have to say

(05:39):
no sometimes, your teen is goingto be more receptive to it and your
no will be much more impactful.
You want to save your no's for the mostimportant things, and those include
things that are a safety issue foryour child or the things that align
with your most important values.
And when I say align with your mostimportant values, I am talking about if

(06:01):
you could teach your child only one thingover the course of time that they are in
your home, what would that one thing be?
That is your highest value, and those arethe places where you might have to say no.
For everything else, the rest ofthe time, I want you to find a
way to reframe your no into a yes.

(06:21):
And that is what I'm going toteach you how to do right now.
In order to make this really simple andeasy for you to remember, I've broken this
down into the four Ps of reframing yourno into a yes without being a pushover.
The first P is prerequisites.
This is probably the most common way toreframe a no into a yes, and probably

(06:44):
something that you are already doingwith your teen prerequisites means that
there are things that your teen hasto do before they can have the yes.
So when my daughter comes to me andsays, Hey mom, can I go thrifting
with my friends on Saturday morning?
I say, Yes!
That sounds like so much fun.
You'll need to make sure that yourjobs are done before you can go.

(07:06):
Leading with that yes immediatelyputs us on the same team,
like we talked about earlier.
It means I want for her what she wants forher, but I'm giving her a prerequisite.
Yes, you can, when thesethings are done first.
The other benefit of prerequisitesis that it helps our teenagers see
the cause and effect relationshipbetween the choices they make and

(07:30):
the opportunities that they have.
It helps them see that they have control,that ultimately their ability to do the
thing they want to do depends solelyon their behavior and their actions.
The second P is parameters.
It's very similar to prerequisites,but a little bit different.
While prerequisites are the thingsthat need to be done before it can

(07:52):
be a yes, parameters define thecircumstances in which it can be a yes.
An example of this is my daughterrecently asked me if she could
go to a movie with her friendsafter school on their short day.
Unfortunately, this was nota convenient time for me.
I already had things on the schedulethat would conflict with her
being able to go to the movies.

(08:13):
But instead of saying no, Igave her a yes with parameters.
Yes, you can absolutely go tothe movie with your friends, but
I will not be able to drive you.
So you'll need to make arrangementsfor someone to drive you and
your friends to the movie.
And you'll need to make sure thatthere are at least three friends going,
because I feel more comfortable ifyou're there in a large group, when

(08:34):
I'm not able to be there with you.
Again, leading with that, yes, letsthem know that you want for them this
experience that they want for themselves.
But that there are someparameters that need to be met
in order to make this a yes.
I often use parameters when it'slogistically not possible for me
to do what they're asking or whenthere is a safety concern involved.

(08:58):
Saying yes with parameters canreally help to reinforce how much you
value their safety and well being.
It can also help your teen to seehow they fit into the bigger picture,
that the world does not revolvearound them, but that that doesn't
mean they can't have what they want.
The next P is problem solving,and it is such a good one.

(09:20):
I use this one all the time with my kids.
If your teen asks to do something andyour brain starts offering lots of red
flags and warning lights and, hey, thismight be a problem, This is a great
opportunity to take yourself out of thatrole of opposition with your teen and give
the responsibility to them for solvingthe problems that are coming up for you.

(09:44):
An example of this is that my daughterswims on the swim team at their
school and the only time they haveavailability at the pool is from 6 to 8 p.
m.
every single night, Monday through Friday.
So that's when they have practiceand she's committed to being on the
team and showing up at practice.
But all of her friends want to goto the homecoming football game

(10:06):
and she wants to go with them.
My concern is she's already made acommitment, but instead of saying,
no, you can't go to the footballgame because you need to be at swim.
I can say, yes, I absolutelywant you to be able to go to
the homecoming football game.
But you've also made a commitment tobe at swim practice and there could be

(10:29):
some negative repercussions for decidingto skip practice to go to the game.
So what do you think you could do?
This takes me out of the role of beingthe bad guy who says she can't go to
the homecoming game and gives her theopportunity to come up with solutions that
might allow her to have what she wants.
This also gives us an excellentopportunity to help our teens think

(10:52):
through the potential problems in thechoices they're making and give them
back the responsibility to solve thoseproblems that come up in their lives.
Now a quick word of warning with this one.
If it is a no for you, don'tsay yes with problem solving.
Because if your teen is ableto solve the problems, you

(11:14):
need to be willing to say yes.
The last P is particulars, and it simplymeans that you need more information.
You need the specifics.
You need the details in orderto be able to say yes or no.
I may have told this story before hereon the podcast, but a while back, my son
came to me and he wanted to get an app onhis phone, but I had never heard of this

(11:36):
app and I didn't know anything about it.
And so of course, um, red flags went upand I was like, I don't, I can't say yes
to something I don't know anything about.
But instead of saying, no, you can't getthis app or drilling him with a bunch
of questions, I said, yeah, that sounds.
Like, it's reasonable, but I don'treally have all the information I need.

(11:59):
Can you do some research for me andfind out all of the potential dangers
that might come up with using this app?
And then we can work through all of thoseproblems together and see if we can find
a way for you to safely use this app.
Now, of course, he came back to me and waslike, there really is no problem with it.
It's super safe, blah, blah, blah.

(12:21):
And I was like, no, no, no,You have to actually go do the
research and find the problems.
I know there are dangers with thisapp because there are dangers with
any app that accesses the internet.
So find out what they are andthen we can make an informed
plan and an informed decision.
But we have to have more information.
We have to have the particularsto be able to move forward.

(12:44):
The next time he came back to me withan actual list of potential dangers,
and we talked about all the waysthat we could make sure he was safe
on this app despite those dangers.
And then I could say yes and feel goodabout it because I had enough information.
So, particulars is all about havingyour kids take responsibility

(13:07):
for providing more information.
Another example of what this mightlook like in practical application
is if your child says, Hey mom,can I go to this party tonight?
Instead of diving into a millionquestions about who and what and
where and when and why and how.
Instead start with Yes, that sounds likea lot of fun and I'd love for you to

(13:28):
be able to go, but I think I need moreinformation so that I can make a good
decision and make sure you're going to besafe and everything's going to be okay.
Then you can dive into someof those questions and ask the
things you want to know withoutit feeling like an interrogation.
When we lead with a yes, Iwant you to be able to go.
Let me get some more information from you.

(13:48):
Your child doesn't automatically go onthe defensive and feel like they need to
defend why they should be allowed to go.
Instead, it's just a gettingmore information so we can
make an informed decision.
I love that reframing your no into ayes, by asking for particulars also gives
your teen a chance to think about all ofthe factors that go into your decision

(14:12):
making so that they can start to, Considerthose factors for themselves when they
are making decisions for themselves.
I hope that you will use thesefour P's to start saying yes
to your teenager more often.
Say yes with prerequisites or parameters.
Give your teen the opportunityto solve the problems that are

(14:33):
getting in the way of the yes.
And, Get the particulars so that youfeel more comfortable saying yes.
If you need more help knowing how to applythese four Ps to the specific challenges
that you are facing in your parenting,to the specific things that your teens
are asking for, join me inside my Enjoycommunity where you can get access to me

(14:56):
via Marco Polo Coaching every single week.
That is one on one, you and me, talkingabout your specific parenting challenges
on Marco Polo, and it is so awesome andso helpful and such a great way for you
to figure out how to apply the thingsyou're learning here on the podcast
to your own situation as a parent.