Confronting a Narcissistic Legacy

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Embarking on a journey of self-discovery can be a tumultuous ride, especially when the roadmap is etched with the scars of a childhood overshadowed by narcissistic parenting. It's Marilyn here, and in sharing my own story, I reveal how the echoes of a father's harsh words and a mother's misplaced priorities propelled me on a quest for self-empowerment. This episode is not just a narrative of my struggles; it's an invitation to explore the profound questions about the relationships we attract, the challenges in setting boundaries, and the significance of confronting our painful past to embrace a healthier future.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello everyone and welcome back to this Is Me
podcast, and I am Marilyn.
Today I want to talk aboutbeing raised by narcissistic
parents.
I just want to start off bysaying that the new year, new me
thing I'm not applying that tomyself.

(00:26):
This January for me is morelike a continuation to continue
to do the work that I've beendoing this past year with
self-care and self-healing andreally honing in on my deeper
self.
Because what I endured all ofthose years like I can put so

(00:52):
much blame on one person.
But at the end of the day, Ireally have to reflect on myself
and when I've been setting myboundaries and doing the
self-discovering and being in mystate of quietness, things have
revealed themselves and friends, family and I just really

(01:24):
started just like looking ateverything around me, like my
surroundings, like what is itthat's affecting me, what is it
that is not bringing mehappiness or not elevating me?
And you don't want to look atthe people who are closest to
you because you just don't everexpect it or you just think that

(01:45):
they just have your bestinterest at heart.
And I had to continue to askmyself why am I attracting these
men, these narcissistic men,from my first kid's father to my
ex-husband, and it's been infront of me the entire time.

(02:08):
And let me just make somethingclear that I never really knew
that narcissism was such aprevalent thing, like I didn't
think that it was such a.
It was a thing to begin with,and now that I'm learning more
about it and becomingknowledgeable about it and
understanding that it's anactual disease, and now

(02:29):
understanding that I was raisedby narcissistic parents, it just
makes sense that I was justgoing back to my comfort.
I was just conforming to what Ijust knew best because I didn't
know anything else.
And as of late, I have just beenso emotional, just drained,

(02:52):
like just there are days where Idon't even want to get out of
bed and I just don't understandwhy.
But you know, my dad kind ofjust like unleashed on me and
there wasn't anything thatreally like triggered him like I
really there was nothing thatreally caused the action for him

(03:15):
to just say those terriblethings to me, just basically
like when I go against thefamily.
That's why nothing good ishappening in my life and you
know what do you think socialmedia is gonna be there for you
and I'm not gonna amount toanything and that I committed
the adultery and I even got intoit with my mother I think a few

(03:38):
podcasts last summer.
You know how she just reallycame for me because I was dating
a year after I left my husbandand it's just like man.
Why are?
Why do they have thisperception of me and not when I
really sit down and think about?
It's like my parents never toldme that they're proud of me, or

(04:02):
instead of my mother saying, oh, you weren't happy in that
marriage, you weren't beingtreated right, don't worry about
it, do what makes you happy.
I believe in you.
If anything was like well, seeif you can work it out for the
kids, it's like what you know.
She was just like crying for mydivorce.

(04:22):
It was just a while to me and Ijust could not understand it,
because the inner child all theywant is their parents, but not
understanding that they too havejust been living in a
generational cycle and that iswhat they were trying to project
on me and while my father wassaying that I go against the

(04:47):
family and I'm disrespectful,I'm going against them because
I'm no longer in a place whereI'm allowed, allowing for anyone
to control me and this point ofmy life, of understanding and
clarity, and this moment ofisolation.
It's lonely, it's sad, but Ithink it's just necessary if you

(05:13):
want to grow as an individual.
And I saw this motivationalvideo the other day and it said
everyone's always saying focuson your future.
What are the steps?
What are the steps?
And it's like you're not gonnago anywhere or move forward in
the future unless you deal withyour past.
And it just was like an ahamoment for me because I'm like

(05:37):
damn, I've been doing so much,I'm working so hard.
Like why isn't happening for me?
Why isn't it happening for me?
Like what is this blockage thatI have?
And the blockage that I have isthat in my subconscious, I was
always told that or made to feellike I wasn't good enough and I

(05:57):
wasn't capable and I wasn'tworthy enough.
And just now, to hear my fathersay that, at almost 40 years
old, to say basically that I'mnot gonna amount to anything
because I go against the familyie I no longer allowing you to
control me it's like shit.

(06:18):
This is what has been beingembedded in me my entire life,
so that is what's draining me.
The fight within myself is likewhat's holding you back, marilyn
?
Why are you afraid of this?
So why are you afraid?
Because I do have myinsecurities, you know.

(06:40):
You see me out posting thevideos, or I even just doing
this podcast, and it's likethere's a little part of me
where I'm afraid to speak orfree to put myself out there
because because of the rejectionright, but it's like I've been

(07:04):
being rejected my entire life bythe people who are closest to
me and while I do live a lifewhere I really don't care what
people say, I don't care whatstrangers have to say about me,
because it's like I don't evenknow you, but to have the
closest people around you justbasically not wish you well,

(07:29):
pray on your downfall like thatshit hurts.
And that's the part where youconstantly have to fight every
day and remind yourself you areworthy, you are capable, and I
have to give myself a little bitof grace that, although I'm not

(07:54):
where I envision myself to be,that I am growing every day as a
person and becoming and beingthe best version of myself,
despite the trials andtribulations, despite those
naysayers that have been around,and this hasn't been an easy

(08:14):
journey and I know it's going tobe a long way for me to just
feel like I'm in a place offulfillment in whole, because it

(08:40):
hurts.
Because it hurts, but I knowthat this too shall pass and I
know that God is removing thepeople that are not for me,
family included, so that theright people can be placed in my

(09:03):
life and help me hold up themirror to myself and know what
my worth is.
And I've been healing my adultself, but now I have to start
healing my child self, because Ithink that that's what's been

(09:23):
blocking me and I think that'sgrowth.
I think that's life, rightHappiness, pain, sad betrayal
but I think if you're aware,then you're on the right track

(09:43):
and not living a life in denialand care-reading the life that
you want for yourself.
So that's all I got.
Thank you for listening to myrant as I learn more about
surviving narcissistic patternsand I'm able to articulate
myself a little better, becausethis is just like whoa, what the

(10:11):
F happened?
What did I miss?
How long have I been living inthis dysfunction and in this
chaos?
And everything makes sense onwhy I trauma bond and why I
attract these men is like Iessentially married my father
right, and I know I'm not theonly one and I know it's more

(10:34):
common than we think.
But that's not the life that Iwant for myself, and if it means
that I'm fighting for myhappiness, I'm not going to take
my gloves off.
I'm going to keep fighting andkeep fighting for the life that
I want, for the life that I'mmeant to have, and no one's

(10:57):
going to make me feel guilty forit.
So again, thank you all for thecontinued support and, as
always, I will talk to you soon.