Navigating the trials of life is no easy task, especially when you're juggling single parenthood, work stress, and family court dates. From investing energy in myself to dealing with the anxiety of my brother's court date, I take you on a journey through the quiet late-night moments when it all surfaces. I reveal my struggle with sadness and the harsh reality of my situation, but also how I find solace in the love and presence of my children. I discuss the power of prayer, the importance of expressing your emotions, and the truth that while faith may not make life easy, it certainly makes it possible.
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Episode Transcript
Hello everyone and welcome back to this Is Me.
I am Marilyn.
Podcast late night edition.
It's probably quarter tomidnight right now and I've been
struggling to sleep a littlebit the last week or so with
everything that's been going on.
If you listen to my lastpodcast, I shared what's going
(00:26):
on with my brother, with my workand you know just life.
Well, I've been very productiveand giving myself all the
energy that I was giving someoneelse and their job and building
up their name.
I've been doing that for myselfthe last week and I'm tired.
(00:48):
It has been good and productive, just trying to stay busy, you
know.
But it sees moments where it'squiet, everyone's asleep, where
you have moments here yourselfand everything like comes
(01:09):
surfaces again.
You know my brother's chorddate is approaching.
That's just like giving meanxiety.
It's like more and more andmore and my forefront like the
fight that we're about to getinto and it's hard not to break
(01:32):
down because everything is justheavy.
What are the next steps?
What's the next chapter, what'sthe next move?
And the babies sometimes sleepwith me, but sometimes they
don't.
When they sleep with me I don'tget no sleep, like I have a
queen size bed, but the three ofus do not fit on the bed.
(01:53):
And I was already like I'vebeen having like this feeling at
the pit of my stomach that Ijust can't read these days.
I've just been taking it hourby hour, and Rome fell asleep.
First I put him in his bed,rain and I were still up
(02:16):
watching a movie.
He eventually fell asleep andwhen I got up to to carry rain
to his bed, I hear a roamrunning down the hallway, you
know so.
So come on, baby, turn around,let's go lay back in your bed.
I'm gonna lay down with you.
And it's like then that momenthit me, you know, like the
(02:43):
reality, my reality, which Iknow that I've been in for a
little bit over a year now likeI'm a single mom taking care of
these two babies and they leaveto, you know, split the time
with their dad, and stuff likethat, and it's just sad.
(03:07):
It's just sad.
This isn't the life that Iwanted for them.
And I just think, like thismoment in my life right now, I'm
going through like a cocoon, myshedding season and stuff like
(03:28):
that.
So these are the times where Iallow myself to go through my
moments and feel my feels.
And I went and laid in Rome'sbed.
I went and laid with Rome's bedfor a little bit and, you know,
he just threw his arms aroundmy neck and you know, at times I
(03:52):
feel alone for the most partI'm not because I have my
children, you know and I'm justthere like breaking down in this
bed while he's holding me,snoring in my ear.
So then I went to the kitchenand I'm like, man, I could use a
shot right now.
But before I did that I prayedas I got.
(04:14):
I need you.
I need you more now than ever.
I need you to pick me up, Ineed you to stand by me, I need
you to hold my hand during thistime, right now, because I can't
do it alone.
So then I went and got up andwent to the kitchen and I'm like
(04:36):
I just need a little shot justto like try to calm my anxiety
and my nerves.
And I went and I poured theshot and I took a little sip and
the taste of disgust that Icouldn't even do it.
But all of a sudden, like Ididn't feel sad anymore.
I didn't, it was just weird.
(04:59):
Instead, I'm like I'll havesome special cake with some oak
milk, but I don't know.
It was just a moment.
I just felt like God was likeyou don't need that, you don't
need that to make you feel okay.
You told me to stand by you andI got you.
I'm still gonna go through myfeelings and cry it out.
(05:20):
We all need that good cry andthen when you wake up in the
morning like you're good to go.
But I say this to say like thepower of God is strong.
Everyone looks at me and havebeen following my journey and
just ask me how are you sostrong?
I'm like God.
Last year I was at the eye ofthe storm and even though I was
(05:44):
at the eye of the storm, I wasjust there witnessing it.
I was like an outer bodyexperience watching the storm
that I'm in.
But there was just still anoverwhelming sense of calm that
I had within me because I kneweverything was going to be okay.
(06:06):
And that rush came to me againtonight and I just think the
power of this tongue is sostrong and I just have to remind
myself that I just have to keepasking, keep staying prayed up
and don't be afraid to speak mywords out loud and just tell God
(06:26):
I need you, I need you in thismoment.
I need you to cover me.
I need you to give me thestrength that I don't have right
now.
I need you to just give me theclarity that I cannot see.
I need you to be my eyes.
I need you to be my brain, soyou can help me understand and
allow the words that come out ofmy mouth be yours, not mine,
(06:59):
one day at a time.
Stay prayed up.
It's all going to work itselfout.
Feel your feels, go throughyour emotions.
No one said this life was goingto be easy.
Faith makes it possible.
It doesn't make it easy.
Thank you, as always, fortuning in.
(07:23):
I'll talk to you soon.
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