Unraveling the Narcissist: My Personal Journey to Recovery

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I never imagined that I would ever share my personal journey of surviving a narcissistic marriage. It's raw, intense, and sometimes, painful. Yet, here I am, peeling back the layers of my relationship with my ex-husband, reflecting on a time when I was his biggest cheerleader, to the point where his narcissistic tendencies began to unravel, and my sanity seemed to slip away. My saving grace? Recording our exchanges, a confirmation to myself that I wasn't losing my grip on reality - I was being gaslighted.

Now, emerging stronger from the shadows of that harrowing experience, I am humbled by the outpouring of support from you, my listeners. Your courage in sharing your own experiences and your willingness to listen to mine make me realize that none of us are alone on this journey. Together, we are exploring the influence of family dynamics, the importance of setting boundaries, and the power of documenting incidents - something that was my lifeline during my divorce proceedings. The journey to healing might be strenuous, but finding your voice, seeking support, and asking those difficult questions are essential stepping stones. So, let's continue to walk this path together, learning from each other's experiences and growing stronger every step of the way.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello everyone and welcome back to this Is Me.
I am Marilyn.
Podcast, the exclusive version.
First, I want to apologize fornot really posting anything.
I only posted one episode, butthis is a paid subscription and
I didn't really think anyonewanted to listen.
However, to date, I have a fewsubscribers, so thank you so

(00:23):
much to those who havesubscribed.
The reason why I decided tocreate an exclusive subscription
is because the idea was tostart really letting go my
therapy session of what occurredduring my marriage, with all of

(00:44):
the details.
I went back and listened to thefirst episode that I uploaded
on this channel to get arefresher, and it was basically
the year that I met my husbandso, to continue, my ex-husband,
because since then the divorcehas been finalized when I met my

(01:07):
husband and, as you know,before I get started again, I
just want to reiterate that thisis not a bashing channel.
By no means am I trying todiscredit anyone.
However, this is my story, thisis what transpired in my life
and once I started putting mystory out there and sharing it,

(01:30):
it has helped so many women andfor me, I am an open book.
I don't have a problem withsharing my life, because social
media is not perfect what theimages that people portray for
it to be.
With that said, once I put mystory out there, it just has
helped so many women and it hasalso helped me in my healing

(01:53):
journey to be continued.
When I met my ex-husband, he wasan attorney fresh out of law
school, working at a boutiquelaw firm.
I have, at that time, hadalready been a paralegal for

(02:16):
many, many years, so I was alittle bit more experienced in
the industry.
And when I met him, he thoughthe was winning.
He thought he was winning and Iam just like what are you doing
?
You're a black leprechaun, justspeaking life into him, just
seeing his potential.
I essentially dusted him off,cleaned up his look, polished

(02:43):
him, you know, forced him,pushed him to seek bigger and
better, and he did.
He took my advice and that'sessentially what happened.
He went out to bigger firmsmaking more money and with that
he came, with him feelinghimself and for me and again, I

(03:04):
just put a pin because I hadlost my train of thought before,
the reason why I started this Iam a narc survivor, a survivor
of a narcissistic person, andbefore I got with my ex-husband,
we used a narcissist or theterm narcissist, so much that it

(03:27):
was almost saturated that,honestly, to be honest, I was
very naive to it and I did notknow, nor was I aware that it
was such a thing, or it is athing and there's different
types of narcissists.
They're such as people can bediagnosed with having
narcissistic personality and youknow, if you listen to my main

(03:47):
channel recently uploaded anepisode where I do have a
brother who has bipolarschizophrenia.
So I'm fully familiar with themental health, but I just did
not know that this was justanother form of it and it is a
disease that, if you are notaware of it, you know you could

(04:09):
just continue to live your lifelike this, and I think that my
ex-husband is honestly in denialbecause, while I feel like he
is a narcissist based off hisenvironment, being raised by
narcissistic family members.
So, in any event, after Ipolished him and pushed him to

(04:35):
just do great, I, as I explainedin the first episode, I then
became a submissive wife becauseI said, okay, you know what,
I'm home, let me take the roleof being that way for him, that
supporter, what he needed.
I made sure that when he gothome from work, food was done.

(04:56):
Kids were nice and polished,house was nice and clean.
He didn't have to come home andstress for anything.
And then this became my routine, my routine, and you know,
having children back to back Iit was easy to lose myself
because I wasn't feeling goodabout myself and you know, my

(05:18):
ex-husband is an attractive manand you know he's very fit and
stuff and I'm just like, andwhile he just played the role so
well on paper, the farthestthing that I thought was that he
was a serial cheater.
But we're going to get to thata little bit later.

(05:40):
What started happening was Istarted to get rejected.
Anytime I would go to touch him.
It was like no, babe, I'm tired, or this or that.
And before we got married, Iknow that some of the questions
were did you see red flags ordid you?

(06:02):
He had to have revealed himself.
But you know, again, I was notaware of this narcissistic
behavior and it actually being athing I thought was like we're
having kids back to back.
Covid happened.

(06:23):
We're planning a wedding, youknow, aside from that, I have
two older children and it's justthe responsibility and pressure
of just day to day and we werealready reaching our like four
or five year mark and you knowyou hear these stories where at
that time is when it's like ahump, and if you make that, if

(06:44):
you reach that hump and get overit, you know you guys are good.
But during the time, covid wasour best year, obviously because
we were trapped together and hewasn't exposed to the outside
world.

(07:04):
My husband, my ex husband, hadthis very nice demeanor and
political smile.
I like to call it to him thatwhen you look at him at first
glance, is you wouldn't?
He portrayed the image so wellthat you wouldn't believe the

(07:28):
stories that I would tell.
Because if you look at himyou're like it's impossible,
you're lying.
Fortunately, it just got to thepoint where I Started feeling
like I was crazy, like what Iwas bitching and complaining
about Weren't valid or it was.

(07:48):
It was almost like I was madeto feel like my, my reality was
not real.
So because of that, I startedto record our conversations.
I started to record him.
I started to Record ourarguments, like I said in my
first episode, like we didn'targue a lot.
But boy, oh boy, when we did,it was Such an intimidating

(08:13):
factor and at first I'm just,like you know, like when we
argue, I don't feel like theangers towards me.
It's like you're fighting ademon inside.
It's like a deep rooted howabout let's get counseling,
let's get therapy?
And you know he's like, yeah, Iwould change and he would
change, but just enough to throwoff the scent and I Just

(08:39):
couldn't understand and I wasjust like one day he's like
loving, the next day it was likejuggling hide.
And Another situation thatplayed into our relationship was
the family.
It the family, family can have alot of influence in your

(09:01):
relationship if you're notprotected of that and if you
don't set your boundaries.
So I just need a second youguys, because this is very hard,
because by me sharing thisstory it is Taking, taking

(09:21):
myself back there.
I have reached a point where Ican talk about it without crying
, but just remembering all thelittle stuff.
And when you're going through,you know I had Fall for the
divorce and every time anincident happened, I would
always email or text my attorneyand she documented every single

(09:43):
thing and we had to file legaldocuments and she cited every
single thing and when youfinally read it, pen to paper,
it is like whoa, this is thelife that I was living.
This is a dysfunction that Iwas subjecting myself to, but,

(10:04):
um, all right, I'm gonna leaveit here.
Next episode would be about thefamily.
If there are things that youhave questions about I know that
I have received a lot ofquestions via instagram or email
On how I survived or what someof the things, and how I got out
of it, where I found thestrength Please feel free to
message me and I'll answer themthe best that I can.

(10:26):
Again, thank you to my newsubscribers.
I really appreciate the loveand support more now than ever.
I really really need it and, um, you're not alone in this
journey.
Don't allow anyone to make youfeel guilty for speaking up, for
finding your voice.
Surviving a narcissist is atrue thing, and Don't make any,

(10:47):
don't allow anyone to make youfeel like you're playing victim,
because we are a victim in thissituation and some get out of
it and some don't.
So, fortunately, I got out ofit.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I am Forever grateful andhumble, as always.

(11:08):
I will talk to you soon.