October 11, 2023 • 17 mins
In this special 10th episode, I tell you the story of how I hit rock bottom.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo (00:13):
Testing testing 1, 2, 3, 4, and we're
back, baby.
With thoughts of an addict.
I am your grateful recoveringhost.
Em.
And I am super stoked to be backgranted.
Yes.
Listening ship is at an all timelow, which didn't seem
(00:35):
conceivable.
But here we are now.
And I often just have to remindmyself well, People didn't like
Elvis at first.
Don't know how that relates tothis podcast, but here we are.
And I really, really am happy tobe back here.
Last two weeks have beenegregiously busy.
(00:56):
With school and recruiting and.
Bunch of other.
Silly things.
But here we are.
And I've had people actuallyreaching out to me saying, Hey,
Em, when are you going to, whenare you going to do another one
of those podcasts?
And I'm like, damn.
Maybe there are people outthere.
Who like, like what I'm puttingout there.
(01:19):
And yeah, just wanted topersonally, thank everybody who
has been so supportive of me onthis journey.
Encouraging me to keep going.
And my schedule has actuallyjust blown wide open.
I just finished doing thisteaching.
This teaching thing that wastaken up.
A lot of my time, super happythat I did it.
(01:41):
Super transformative experience.
But now I have a lot more timeto work on the podcast.
So you're going to be here inM's voice a lot more if that's
what you wanted and if that'snot what you wanted.
And what the hell are you doinglistening right now?
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (01:57):
And not only are we back, but.
We're about to have our firstguest.
That's right, baby.
Just when you thought thoughtsof an addict is coming to an
end.
We're just getting started.
And actually the guests that I'mgoing to have on next week.
The person who found me actuallyhad to go through hell and high
water, searching through thestreets of all holla to try to
(02:18):
find out who I was.
And that's not cool.
So I actually decided to make anemail for this podcast.
So if you want to reach out tome, if you want to be on the
show, if you want to ask mequestions, If you want to say an
affirmation, if you want to saythat, I suck.
That's cool to go ahead andshoot me an email at thoughts of
(02:39):
an addict show.
At g-mail dot com.
Again, that's thoughts of anaddict show.
At gmail.com.
All right.
That was a lot of mumbo jumbo.
Why don't we dive into theactual episode now?
So this is the 10th episode.
Can't believe that I've made itthis far, but here I am.
(03:02):
And today.
I actually wanted to talk aboutmy own story a little bit more.
I feel like there's probablysome value.
In sharing my own story to theattic that still suffers.
Or the person who's justcurious.
About what the hell addictsactually go through.
(03:22):
So that's what I'm going to dotoday.
I'm going to tell you a littlebit more about my story into
rock bottom, and then how thisidea of rock bottom actually
relates to getting clean in thisprocess.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (03:37):
So my rock bottom starts.
With a nurse violently shakingme awake.
As she says, Hey, em, You knowhow lucky.
You are to be alive right now.
Do you even know where you are?
To which I respond the LosAngeles.
(04:00):
And she says no, M you're in LasVegas right now.
So that's how I knew that I hadarrived at rock bottom.
So, let me give you a littlecontext around this.
The little sad story here.
I had.
Started a Sunday or Saturday.
(04:21):
I don't know what day it was.
Like I normally would, I wouldbe ingesting drugs, drinking a
little bit just to cope.
With the pain of my existence.
And I got on a Greyhound.
One way he to Vegas apparently.
And.
There.
I met up with a few of myfriends and I was with them for
(04:44):
only a matter of minutes beforewe separated.
And.
I guess I had passed out in aBush within minutes from the
absolutely.
Offensive amount of drugs that Iwas taking.
And a homeless man actuallyfound me struggling gasping for
(05:09):
air in a Bush.
And he called over a securityguard and the security guard
calls 9 1 1.
I get rushed to the hospital.
In the hospital, I'm barelybreathing.
I, the nurse the next day toldme that I sounded like a fish
just.
Just absolutely gasping for airtrying.
(05:31):
To exist.
And the doctor had to putsomething down my throat.
I guess I obviously wasn'tconscious for this.
I had no idea what the hell wasgoing on.
And.
Apparently I gainedconsciousness.
And while the doctor is tryingto restore me to health, I'm
screaming at them.
(05:53):
Let me die.
Let me fucking die.
And.
Ooh.
And I didn't die.
And I'm here.
I'm here talking to all of you.
And.
So obviously the doctor comesand talks to me about this the
(06:16):
next day.
And I'm immediately put into thepsychiatric ward.
You know, for trying to killmyself clearly, I'm a danger to
myself.
I'm a danger to others.
I'm not totally sure if that wasa suicide attempt, they
certainly thought it was mescreaming.
Let me die.
That would.
(06:37):
That would be some evidence thatit was and the mindset I was in
that morning, wasn't toodifferent than mindset that I
was in.
During that time was.
Wow.
Life fucking sucks.
Nothing is ever going to getbetter.
Thank God.
I have drugs to lean on.
(06:59):
And if I take too many drugs andI die, then.
That's fine.
If I don't take too many drugsand I don't die, then that's
cool too.
Life is just barely.
Barely feels like it's worthliving because at least there's
drugs there.
So I'm in the psychiatric ward,staring at the wall.
(07:20):
Thinking that things are nevergoing to get better.
And this.
This, my friends.
This is where you probablythink, okay, this was rock
bottom for em.
This is where he turnedeverything around.
He went to narcotics anonymousthe next day.
And this was the start of hisrecovery journey.
(07:42):
And if you thought that.
Boom.
You're wrong.
In fact, I was laying there andI was thinking, all right.
Now I'm really, really going togo hard with the drugs.
I'm not dead now, but.
This whole experience.
(08:03):
Just showed me how shitty.
My life really had gotten, thiswas a mirror into how bad things
were.
And my response to how badthings were, was not okay.
Let's make them better.
It's like, all right, it'salready shit.
Now we can really just go allout.
This is, this is it.
This is as low as I'm going tobe.
(08:26):
So might as well just say, fuckall.
And so for the next threemonths, After I had left that
psychiatric ward.
I kept doing drugs.
And in fact, I was doing evenmore than before.
And I didn't think anything wasgoing to change.
(08:47):
I thought I was just going tostay on this path.
Until I had.
Deceased.
Okay.
But one night.
I was a.
I was with a really, really goodfriend of mine, crisp.
And we were in my room.
(09:09):
And.
Out of the blue.
My mother starts pounding on thedoor.
He says.
Hey, Chris.
Please please save my son.
Talk some sense into him.
(09:29):
He won't listen to us and I'mjust yelling at my mom.
I say, Mom, mom, I don't needhelp.
Everything's fine.
Of course.
The cat was out of the bag.
From the whole Vegas incidentand the multiple other times I
ended up in the hospital, butthat's a story for another
podcast.
(09:50):
And I tell her mom, mom, Krisbank gonna help me.
M doesn't need any help.
And then.
Her frustration just turns intoballing.
Ah, this poor woman.
Just hysterical tears.
As she says to me, M M.
(10:15):
Your father and I are in thebackyard right now.
We've got an extra shovel.
And we're digging your grave.
We don't want to do it on all onour own.
If you're going to do this tous, at least help us out.
While we're digging up yourgrave and she is just
hysterically crying.
(10:36):
And.
I'm thinking to myself.
The fuck.
Okay.
Like.
I'm fine.
If my life has gone to completeshit.
You know, maybe I'm hurtingothers.
Along the way as well.
And I was in such a depravedstate that I didn't really care
(10:58):
about the people that I washurting.
But not, not my mama.
Okay.
The person who loves me most inthe world, the person who's
fucking.
Given me everything.
He's given me maybe the onlyreason I have Deliv.
Oh God.
They hear in her voice.
(11:20):
The pain.
That I was putting her through.
It was just way too much for me.
It was just too much.
I had.
The most visceral, emotionalreaction to hearing my mother.
Bowling.
Because of me.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (11:38):
And that was the straw that broke
the camel's back.
I had to try to get clean.
I didn't care about my own life.
My own life was shit.
Okay.
It was deprived.
I only used to live.
And I live to use and.
I had just turned into this.
Beast creature whose onlypurpose in life was to get that
(12:02):
fucking dopamine humping out ofmy ear.
Holes.
But.
I in that moment.
Had a reason to get clean, areal reason to get clean is
that, that was so I never had tohear.
My mother bawling like thatagain.
(12:24):
And the next day I went tonarcotics anonymous.
And the rest is history.
And here I am.
A little more than five yearslater.
Living to tail, tell the tale toall of you.
Rock bottom.
Yeah.
(12:44):
It's interesting how that works,right?
Because.
I would have definitely thoughtFrom an outsider's perspective.
Oh, that time where he went tothe Las Vegas hospital without
being there, that's gotta berock bottom, right.
But no.
But no.
For me.
Rock bottom.
(13:05):
Was when I had created.
In extremely negative emotionalreaction in the person I cared
most about in the world.
People ask me all the time.
They asked me, um, I have thisfriend, I had this family
member.
They.
Want to get clean, but they'renot so sure.
(13:28):
Or they say they're obviously anaddict, but they won't admit it.
And usually, and unfortunatelymy answer is, well, yeah.
Usually you got to hit rockbottom.
Before you make an actualchange.
Because.
If you're able to keep living.
With drugs.
(13:49):
And.
You haven't reached a breakingpoint.
Well then.
Why would you change anything ifyou aren't, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
And that's what rock bottom is.
Fucking breaks.
You.
And.
Maybe for a lot of people.
(14:10):
Rock bottom is a very personalexperience.
Maybe you're climbing out frombehind a dumpster while the
sun's coming up.
But for me personally, My rockbottom.
Was really viscerally damaging.
The woman that I care aboutmost, the person that I care
(14:33):
about most long with my father.
In my entire life.
I can't define anyone's rockbottom for them.
And this is important to you.
Can't define.
Rock bottom for anybody else.
If you have someone in your lifewho you think is struggling with
addiction, And it seems likethey've hit rock bottom.
(14:55):
Well, Maybe they haven't, ifthey haven't changed yet, then.
Clearly they haven't hit theirrock bottom yet.
And if you think that you've hityour rock bottom, if you're an
addict and you think you've hitrock bottom.
And you're still using.
I'll tell you what friend.
It can go lower.
(15:17):
He can go lower.
And I don't want you to getthere.
Okay.
This addiction thing, it ends inthree ways.
Okay.
It's jails institutions ordeath.
Oh, my.
Or.
You recover.
It's that simple.
It gets progressively worseuntil you hit that rock bottom.
(15:41):
So please, please.
If you're an addict.
Take my word for it.
Don't wait for you to hit thatrock bottom lip.
My story.
Be your inspiration, yourmotivation, your whatever, the
fuck.
To go get the help that you neednow.
I don't wait to hit rock bottombecause it's waiting for you.
(16:07):
And you don't need to get allthe way to that point.
To get clean.
Microphone (Yeti Stere (16:15):
Anyways.
That was some heavy shit.
Sorry that my first episode intwo weeks.
It's pretty fucking grim, but.
There's hope out there.
There is so much hope out therethere's so much goodness out
there.
And if you're deep, deep in thegrips.
(16:37):
Of active addiction.
There is a way out there is away out.
And once you make it out, onceyou start climbing out of that
rock bottom out of that hole.
Oh, my God, the gifts of thislife, the gifts of this world.
It'll transcend.
Anything.
That you ever thought possible?
(17:00):
It is good to be back.
Thank you so much for listening.
And I will be back.
More often than I was before.
We're having guests soon.
And I just cannot wait tocontinue to tell my story.
Hopefully provide some hope,provide some life to people that
are still suffering.
Hope everybody has an absolutelybeautiful rest of your day.
(17:22):
This is M this is thoughts of anaddict.
Owl.
Testing testing 1, 2, 3, 4, and we're
back, baby.
With thoughts of an addict.
I am your grateful recoveringhost.
Em.
And I am super stoked to be backgranted.
Yes.
Listening ship is at an all timelow, which didn't seem
(00:35):
conceivable.
But here we are now.
And I often just have to remindmyself well, People didn't like
Elvis at first.
Don't know how that relates tothis podcast, but here we are.
And I really, really am happy tobe back here.
Last two weeks have beenegregiously busy.
(00:56):
With school and recruiting and.
Bunch of other.
Silly things.
But here we are.
And I've had people actuallyreaching out to me saying, Hey,
Em, when are you going to, whenare you going to do another one
of those podcasts?
And I'm like, damn.
Maybe there are people outthere.
Who like, like what I'm puttingout there.
(01:19):
And yeah, just wanted topersonally, thank everybody who
has been so supportive of me onthis journey.
Encouraging me to keep going.
And my schedule has actuallyjust blown wide open.
I just finished doing thisteaching.
This teaching thing that wastaken up.
A lot of my time, super happythat I did it.
(01:41):
Super transformative experience.
But now I have a lot more timeto work on the podcast.
So you're going to be here inM's voice a lot more if that's
what you wanted and if that'snot what you wanted.
And what the hell are you doinglistening right now?
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (01:57):
And not only are we back, but.
We're about to have our firstguest.
That's right, baby.
Just when you thought thoughtsof an addict is coming to an
end.
We're just getting started.
And actually the guests that I'mgoing to have on next week.
The person who found me actuallyhad to go through hell and high
water, searching through thestreets of all holla to try to
(02:18):
find out who I was.
And that's not cool.
So I actually decided to make anemail for this podcast.
So if you want to reach out tome, if you want to be on the
show, if you want to ask mequestions, If you want to say an
affirmation, if you want to saythat, I suck.
That's cool to go ahead andshoot me an email at thoughts of
(02:39):
an addict show.
At g-mail dot com.
Again, that's thoughts of anaddict show.
At gmail.com.
All right.
That was a lot of mumbo jumbo.
Why don't we dive into theactual episode now?
So this is the 10th episode.
Can't believe that I've made itthis far, but here I am.
(03:02):
And today.
I actually wanted to talk aboutmy own story a little bit more.
I feel like there's probablysome value.
In sharing my own story to theattic that still suffers.
Or the person who's justcurious.
About what the hell addictsactually go through.
(03:22):
So that's what I'm going to dotoday.
I'm going to tell you a littlebit more about my story into
rock bottom, and then how thisidea of rock bottom actually
relates to getting clean in thisprocess.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (03:37):
So my rock bottom starts.
With a nurse violently shakingme awake.
As she says, Hey, em, You knowhow lucky.
You are to be alive right now.
Do you even know where you are?
To which I respond the LosAngeles.
(04:00):
And she says no, M you're in LasVegas right now.
So that's how I knew that I hadarrived at rock bottom.
So, let me give you a littlecontext around this.
The little sad story here.
I had.
Started a Sunday or Saturday.
(04:21):
I don't know what day it was.
Like I normally would, I wouldbe ingesting drugs, drinking a
little bit just to cope.
With the pain of my existence.
And I got on a Greyhound.
One way he to Vegas apparently.
And.
There.
I met up with a few of myfriends and I was with them for
(04:44):
only a matter of minutes beforewe separated.
And.
I guess I had passed out in aBush within minutes from the
absolutely.
Offensive amount of drugs that Iwas taking.
And a homeless man actuallyfound me struggling gasping for
(05:09):
air in a Bush.
And he called over a securityguard and the security guard
calls 9 1 1.
I get rushed to the hospital.
In the hospital, I'm barelybreathing.
I, the nurse the next day toldme that I sounded like a fish
just.
Just absolutely gasping for airtrying.
(05:31):
To exist.
And the doctor had to putsomething down my throat.
I guess I obviously wasn'tconscious for this.
I had no idea what the hell wasgoing on.
And.
Apparently I gainedconsciousness.
And while the doctor is tryingto restore me to health, I'm
screaming at them.
(05:53):
Let me die.
Let me fucking die.
And.
Ooh.
And I didn't die.
And I'm here.
I'm here talking to all of you.
And.
So obviously the doctor comesand talks to me about this the
(06:16):
next day.
And I'm immediately put into thepsychiatric ward.
You know, for trying to killmyself clearly, I'm a danger to
myself.
I'm a danger to others.
I'm not totally sure if that wasa suicide attempt, they
certainly thought it was mescreaming.
Let me die.
That would.
(06:37):
That would be some evidence thatit was and the mindset I was in
that morning, wasn't toodifferent than mindset that I
was in.
During that time was.
Wow.
Life fucking sucks.
Nothing is ever going to getbetter.
Thank God.
I have drugs to lean on.
(06:59):
And if I take too many drugs andI die, then.
That's fine.
If I don't take too many drugsand I don't die, then that's
cool too.
Life is just barely.
Barely feels like it's worthliving because at least there's
drugs there.
So I'm in the psychiatric ward,staring at the wall.
(07:20):
Thinking that things are nevergoing to get better.
And this.
This, my friends.
This is where you probablythink, okay, this was rock
bottom for em.
This is where he turnedeverything around.
He went to narcotics anonymousthe next day.
And this was the start of hisrecovery journey.
(07:42):
And if you thought that.
Boom.
You're wrong.
In fact, I was laying there andI was thinking, all right.
Now I'm really, really going togo hard with the drugs.
I'm not dead now, but.
This whole experience.
(08:03):
Just showed me how shitty.
My life really had gotten, thiswas a mirror into how bad things
were.
And my response to how badthings were, was not okay.
Let's make them better.
It's like, all right, it'salready shit.
Now we can really just go allout.
This is, this is it.
This is as low as I'm going tobe.
(08:26):
So might as well just say, fuckall.
And so for the next threemonths, After I had left that
psychiatric ward.
I kept doing drugs.
And in fact, I was doing evenmore than before.
And I didn't think anything wasgoing to change.
(08:47):
I thought I was just going tostay on this path.
Until I had.
Deceased.
Okay.
But one night.
I was a.
I was with a really, really goodfriend of mine, crisp.
And we were in my room.
(09:09):
And.
Out of the blue.
My mother starts pounding on thedoor.
He says.
Hey, Chris.
Please please save my son.
Talk some sense into him.
(09:29):
He won't listen to us and I'mjust yelling at my mom.
I say, Mom, mom, I don't needhelp.
Everything's fine.
Of course.
The cat was out of the bag.
From the whole Vegas incidentand the multiple other times I
ended up in the hospital, butthat's a story for another
podcast.
(09:50):
And I tell her mom, mom, Krisbank gonna help me.
M doesn't need any help.
And then.
Her frustration just turns intoballing.
Ah, this poor woman.
Just hysterical tears.
As she says to me, M M.
(10:15):
Your father and I are in thebackyard right now.
We've got an extra shovel.
And we're digging your grave.
We don't want to do it on all onour own.
If you're going to do this tous, at least help us out.
While we're digging up yourgrave and she is just
hysterically crying.
(10:36):
And.
I'm thinking to myself.
The fuck.
Okay.
Like.
I'm fine.
If my life has gone to completeshit.
You know, maybe I'm hurtingothers.
Along the way as well.
And I was in such a depravedstate that I didn't really care
(10:58):
about the people that I washurting.
But not, not my mama.
Okay.
The person who loves me most inthe world, the person who's
fucking.
Given me everything.
He's given me maybe the onlyreason I have Deliv.
Oh God.
They hear in her voice.
(11:20):
The pain.
That I was putting her through.
It was just way too much for me.
It was just too much.
I had.
The most visceral, emotionalreaction to hearing my mother.
Bowling.
Because of me.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (11:38):
And that was the straw that broke
the camel's back.
I had to try to get clean.
I didn't care about my own life.
My own life was shit.
Okay.
It was deprived.
I only used to live.
And I live to use and.
I had just turned into this.
Beast creature whose onlypurpose in life was to get that
(12:02):
fucking dopamine humping out ofmy ear.
Holes.
But.
I in that moment.
Had a reason to get clean, areal reason to get clean is
that, that was so I never had tohear.
My mother bawling like thatagain.
(12:24):
And the next day I went tonarcotics anonymous.
And the rest is history.
And here I am.
A little more than five yearslater.
Living to tail, tell the tale toall of you.
Rock bottom.
Yeah.
(12:44):
It's interesting how that works,right?
Because.
I would have definitely thoughtFrom an outsider's perspective.
Oh, that time where he went tothe Las Vegas hospital without
being there, that's gotta berock bottom, right.
But no.
But no.
For me.
Rock bottom.
(13:05):
Was when I had created.
In extremely negative emotionalreaction in the person I cared
most about in the world.
People ask me all the time.
They asked me, um, I have thisfriend, I had this family
member.
They.
Want to get clean, but they'renot so sure.
(13:28):
Or they say they're obviously anaddict, but they won't admit it.
And usually, and unfortunatelymy answer is, well, yeah.
Usually you got to hit rockbottom.
Before you make an actualchange.
Because.
If you're able to keep living.
With drugs.
(13:49):
And.
You haven't reached a breakingpoint.
Well then.
Why would you change anything ifyou aren't, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
And that's what rock bottom is.
Fucking breaks.
You.
And.
Maybe for a lot of people.
(14:10):
Rock bottom is a very personalexperience.
Maybe you're climbing out frombehind a dumpster while the
sun's coming up.
But for me personally, My rockbottom.
Was really viscerally damaging.
The woman that I care aboutmost, the person that I care
(14:33):
about most long with my father.
In my entire life.
I can't define anyone's rockbottom for them.
And this is important to you.
Can't define.
Rock bottom for anybody else.
If you have someone in your lifewho you think is struggling with
addiction, And it seems likethey've hit rock bottom.
(14:55):
Well, Maybe they haven't, ifthey haven't changed yet, then.
Clearly they haven't hit theirrock bottom yet.
And if you think that you've hityour rock bottom, if you're an
addict and you think you've hitrock bottom.
And you're still using.
I'll tell you what friend.
It can go lower.
(15:17):
He can go lower.
And I don't want you to getthere.
Okay.
This addiction thing, it ends inthree ways.
Okay.
It's jails institutions ordeath.
Oh, my.
Or.
You recover.
It's that simple.
It gets progressively worseuntil you hit that rock bottom.
(15:41):
So please, please.
If you're an addict.
Take my word for it.
Don't wait for you to hit thatrock bottom lip.
My story.
Be your inspiration, yourmotivation, your whatever, the
fuck.
To go get the help that you neednow.
I don't wait to hit rock bottombecause it's waiting for you.
(16:07):
And you don't need to get allthe way to that point.
To get clean.
Microphone (Yeti Stere (16:15):
Anyways.
That was some heavy shit.
Sorry that my first episode intwo weeks.
It's pretty fucking grim, but.
There's hope out there.
There is so much hope out therethere's so much goodness out
there.
And if you're deep, deep in thegrips.
(16:37):
Of active addiction.
There is a way out there is away out.
And once you make it out, onceyou start climbing out of that
rock bottom out of that hole.
Oh, my God, the gifts of thislife, the gifts of this world.
It'll transcend.
Anything.
That you ever thought possible?
(17:00):
It is good to be back.
Thank you so much for listening.
And I will be back.
More often than I was before.
We're having guests soon.
And I just cannot wait tocontinue to tell my story.
Hopefully provide some hope,provide some life to people that
are still suffering.
Hope everybody has an absolutelybeautiful rest of your day.
(17:22):
This is M this is thoughts of anaddict.
Owl.
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