November 13, 2023 • 18 mins
In this episode, M talks about the dreaded "moral inventory" that many addicts choose to undertake.
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Episode Transcript
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Microphone (Yeti Stereo M (00:14):
Hello there everybody.
This is M again, and we are backwith another episode of.
Thoughts of an addict.
One of the start today's episodeby telling a cute little
anecdote about the podcast.
I I'm on a plane.
A few days ago, and I get a textfrom my mom saying, Hey, baby,
(00:38):
it's love your podcast, butJesus Christ, this last episode,
what the hell happened?
You sound like chipmunks onhere.
It sounds like you're talkingway too fast.
So.
Of course, I start freaking Idon't like that.
Jesus.
Did I do something wrong on thisepisode and take a look at the
podcast?
I listened to it and it soundsright on my end.
Getting ready to just take thewhole thing down.
(00:59):
And I asked my mom, I said, mom,send me a screenshot of what
you're looking at.
And she sends it over and shewas a.
She was listening to my podcastat two X speed.
So Freeney my listeners outthere.
Please, please make sure thatyou are a.
Not just trying to skip throughthe podcast.
(01:20):
Like, like my mom was, I loveyou, mom.
Thank you for listening.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (01:26):
All right.
So diving into the meat andpotatoes.
Of today's pod.
We are going to be talking aboutthe fourth step of any 12 step
program, which might be.
The most infamous one next tomaking a men's, which is.
Creating a moral inventory, afearless moral inventory, as
(01:50):
they say in the literature.
And this step is the one that.
People avoid like the fuckingblack plague.
People get through the firstthree steps, they admit that
they're fucked up.
They say, okay, there'ssomething outside of me that.
Can help me.
And then the third step is I'mwilling to try whatever that is.
(02:11):
And then they get to the fourthstep, which effectively says
make a list of every fucked upthing you've ever done.
And they say, all right, I'm,uh, going to take my sweet, old
time on this one.
And somewhat ironically, that'swhat happened here.
I think I did my last episodeabout any step work, the third
step.
But it was like two months agoand I'm like, fuck, I don't want
(02:32):
to talk about this one since.
This one's a real bear, but herewe are.
And we're going to dive a littlebit into writing a fearless
moral inventory.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (02:46):
So first I want to talk about.
Y.
Are we doing this moralinventory?
And first I'll tell you whywe're not doing it.
We're not doing it to beatourselves up.
This isn't some Catholicism,original sin, fucking you're a
terrible person.
No.
Okay.
You're an addict.
You already fucking hateyourself.
(03:06):
Probably.
You don't need to beat yourselfup anymore than you've done for
the last X number of years ofyour life that you have been
using.
Guilt shame.
That's not the idea here.
The main reason we're doingthis.
Is so we.
Do not live in denial.
(03:28):
Of the things that we've doneand our beliefs.
So I think.
That living in the present.
Is one of the best things.
Probably the best thing that aperson can do.
And that's a whole nother topicand podcast episode, but the
reason I bring that up.
Is because someone might say,well, just forget about the
(03:49):
past.
Just live right now andeverything that's happened has
happened.
And there's some truth to that.
It'd be great to say, fuck it,starting today.
I'm going to forget every shittything that I've ever done.
But this is irresponsible.
I think for an addict on twodifferent levels.
The first one is more of a basichuman one, which is.
(04:12):
We ought to make amends.
And we're not going to make amen's if we don't.
Honestly think about all of thepeople that we've harmed.
And the second reason is, andthis is, I think the most
important reason is.
When we take a deep holisticlook.
At all the shitty things thatwe've done.
(04:33):
And everything that's hurt usand everything that we've heard.
I think that we are going tostart to identify some patterns.
And when we start to identifypatterns, We are going to be
able to create watchdogs.
In our mind, am I not?
I mean, we're going to be ableto identify.
(04:54):
Wow.
I was really, really shitty tothat person because they did
this thing to me.
Wow.
I really shouldn't have saidthat to this person.
And I got that way because I wasperforming this action.
And as we.
List out the things that we havedone in the past, we're going to
be able to start recognizing,okay.
(05:14):
I need to avoid these situationsor okay.
When this happens, I really,really need to take a step back
and think about what my nextaction is.
Gotta be.
And another key reason that weneed to take this moral
inventory is we're going to takea stock in all of our beliefs.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micro (05:36):
I should note here.
This isn't the time to lie.
Okay.
If you've been an addict.
You've been lying a lot.
You hadn't blind, probably yourwhole fucking life.
And this is.
A golden opportunity.
To just be honest as hell.
The most honest that you've everbeen in your life.
Because the only people that aregoing to see it are you.
(05:57):
And maybe your sponsor shouldprobably show it to your
sponsor, but we'll get to thatin a later step.
But now is a very safe space.
To be completely honest withyourself.
So when I say list out all ofyour beliefs.
Don't list out the beliefs thatyou think you ought to have.
Don't list out the 10commandments.
(06:18):
Don't talk about the goldenrule.
List out the beliefs that youhave had.
Such as I'm going to do whateverI can to get drugs.
I'm willing to fuck over anyonein my way.
To get what I want.
I'm the only person in thisuniverse that matters.
These kinds of six self-centeredthoughts that just fucking
(06:40):
paying you to write out.
You need to get them out on thepaper, you know why?
Because there's a chance.
That they're operating on yousubconsciously.
And if swings are operating onyou subconsciously, you're never
going to be able to change them.
So by writing out our beliefs,we can recognize, huh?
(07:00):
Wow.
This is really shitty.
This is something that I'd liketo change.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (07:07):
It's only by being.
Totally fucking honest.
Got it.
Hurts.
But it's, I wouldn't say it'simportant.
I think it's critical.
I think it's life or death.
To be honest during this moralinventory.
Because if we can honestlyidentify our patterns, Then we
are going to be able tocultivate a lives for a life for
(07:29):
ourselves in which.
We are going to be able to avoida lot of these previous
situations that would have.
Continually fucked us.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (07:41):
And maybe even more importantly from
our patterns.
We are going to be able torecognize something.
We call character defects.
We are going to be able to pointexactly to wow.
My character is deeply fucked upand flawed in this way.
Maybe from this, you begin torecognize.
(08:01):
Damn.
Um, pretty dishonest or.
Damn fuck.
I'm pretty mean.
And.
It's important to rememberfriends that everybody's
imperfect.
Everybody has things.
That they ought to work on.
But for the addict.
We need it is critical.
(08:22):
Uh, work on these defects ofcharacter for it is these
defects of character.
That likely led us to ouraddiction and certainly kept us
interactive using.
And secondly, if we're totally
honest with our beliefs, Wellguess what?
We can actually change them.
All right.
So what the fuck does itactually mean?
(08:45):
To write this moral inventory.
And in short.
There's a lot of differentguidelines that you can use.
Really?
This is going to be a form ofjournaling for yourself.
And.
Go to our best friend.
The Google's.
And just ask it, I need a moralinventory for step four.
And if you're not act, maybelook up narcotics anonymous.
(09:07):
If you're an alcoholic, look upfor AA.
If you don't fucking believe in12 steps, just say.
I want to journal about the badthings that I've done in my
past, and I'm sure somethingwill come up for you.
And I like to break.
My personal moral inventory downinto a few different, let's say
(09:29):
subsections.
I like talking about all myresentments.
So my resentments are.
All of the shitty experiencesthat I've had in the past.
That I blame on somebody else.
So maybe my resentment.
Could talk about I talked a lotabout my Catholic upbringing.
I was like, wow.
(09:50):
All this God stuff that, thatprobably EFT me up a little bit.
Frankly, I don't think there'sany problem with religion, but
for me, the way that it wasinstilled in me, it probably
wasn't good.
A lot of different other thingsthat people talk about are
resentment toward people.
I know a lot of people talkabout, oh, well, my dad really
(10:11):
fucked me up when I was younger.
And I'm not saying that for me,but, and.
That's really, really fuckinghard for people to move past.
So people hold onto thesegrudges and this mental strife.
And really it's just hurtingthemselves.
One of my favorite quotes of alltime is that holding a grudge?
(10:32):
Is like drinking a poison.
And waiting for the other personto die.
Think about that one for asecond.
Holding a grudge Is really onlyhurting yourself while the
reason that we Do it as we thinkit's having some kind of effect
on other people it's not Justkilling ourselves We're feeling
that poison for no reason
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (10:55):
This second section is probably the
hardest one.
It's the one on relationships.
Familial friend sexualpartnerships.
The relationship with yourreligious leader, with your
teacher, with everybody.
The section so hard because.
Addicts are just these coldshells of individuals.
(11:18):
Often addicts are deeplyempathetic.
And it can be really, reallychallenging to recognize the
harm that we've done.
In people's lives, even peoplethat we've cared about, but it
is absolutely critical.
That we list out therelationships that we've had.
And our part in.
Probably by this point in time,fucking ruining them.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo M (11:43):
Third and this one's also a fucking
doozy.
Is all of the ways in which wewere self obsessed and
self-centered.
I believe that that is.
The root cause.
Of all of our addictions, butnow is the time.
To really sit down and write outhow we've been.
Self-centered self obsessedpeople.
And this might sound kind ofmean, but in a lot of ways, it's
(12:06):
like we were children who nevergrew up.
The four year old on theplayground, not sharing his
toys, not looking out for theother kids on the playground.
I guess what a lot of addictshad that same mentality where
I'm just going to take as muchof the fucking pie as I can
before I die in this lifetime.
And that's what leads to so manyof the addictive problems to the
(12:28):
total disconnect from ourselvesand humanity.
So now is the time to honestlyrecognize those ways in which
we've been self-centered.
And then only pen.
Can we start.
Turning.
Turning our wills more towardnon self-centered, more selfless
acts.
That's going to help us connect.
Next, we're going to write about all
(12:49):
the things that we are shamefuland guilty about.
And the program we call theseour our deep dark secrets.
The things that we have neverreally shared with anybody else
that we just hold on to maybe asan addict, maybe you do a good
act.
And you have fuck comes near mylike, huh?
Maybe I'm not a total piece ofshit.
Earn boom.
(13:11):
Your mind goes to that fuckingterrible thing that you did.
That you've never told anyoneelse.
It's a ball and chain and itspells the words, shame.
It is not going to allow you toever feel good about yourself.
But.
That was the time to be honest.
Now's the time to write it alldown.
(13:32):
We need to critically examine.
The things that we've done inour lives or else we're just
going to constantly live indenial.
So it's time for that deep darkshameful secret stage.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (13:46):
And finally the last part that I
like to do.
It's right about my fears.
I said earlier that selfobsession is at the core.
Of our addictions, but I thinkfear might go right up there,
hand in hand.
We'll sell the session.
(14:06):
We're afraid that we're nevergoing to amount to anything
we're afraid of the people thatwe've become.
We're afraid of the people thatwe haven't been able to become
yet.
And that's why we use.
And we're afraid that we'venever lived up to any
expectations.
Addicts are riddled with fear.
That's why we use, that's a hugereason why we use so much
(14:28):
because we don't like toexperience those feelings.
But when we avoid those fears,Well, they just keep compounding
and compounding and compoundingand getting.
Deeper and deeper into theperiphery of our consciousness.
Making them even harder to dealwith.
And the harder they get to dealwith the more drugs we do,
vicious cycle bad.
(14:50):
Time to list out all thosefears.
And see that.
Okay.
All of these things are.
Pretty scary.
But if I were clean, Maybe thereare things that I can do right
now or.
When I'm clean, maybe Irecognize that.
(15:11):
These are just products of avery sick, fucked up mind.
So now.
We list our fears.
And that's it.
That is Z moral inventory.
Much.
Infinitely easier said thandone.
Man, it's a fuckingheartbreaking experience.
Writing down all of the shittythings you've ever done.
(15:33):
All the people that you've caredabout, that you've heard all the
people you haven't cared about,that you've heard all the people
that have hurt you.
Man.
It's just a mind bendingexperience, but.
Once you're done.
At least you have this.
Cohesive.
Narrative.
Of your past.
(15:54):
And it's cohesive.
It's not bullshit.
Right now, a lot of thenarrative of your past.
If you're an addict is probablyimbued in bullshit.
Because maybe you're living indenial.
Maybe you're not acknowledgingthat you're hurting people.
But once you see.
All the things that you've done.
(16:15):
You're going to be able torecognize things.
You're going to be able to seethe people that you might've
been hurting.
You're gonna be able to see howyou've been hurting yourself.
You're going to be able to seethe ways in which your fucked
up..
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (16:27):
Then after you go through all that
pain of working on that moralinventory.
Well, then you have a roadmap.
My friends.
Because now you see.
The ways in which you'vewronged.
Now you can make it right.
I, you know what you need towork on.
It's the beginning.
(16:47):
Of an absolutely beautifulspiritual journey.
And what you recognize thoseflaws in that self hatred and
the self obsession and thefears.
And then finally, now that it'sall out there, all out of that
head of yours.
You can actually see it for whatit is and you can see.
(17:10):
That these are all things thatyou can work on and that you can
change.
And that my friends it's themost beautiful thing in the
world.
To be able to change who youare.
And be more available, not onlyto yourself.
But to the people that youreally love and care for, but
the first step.
(17:31):
Is that fearless, tough, gritty,dark.
Probably tragic.
Moral inventory.
Thank you so, so much for tuningin my friends.
Oh, God, this is so much fun.
Doing this with the all, thankyou so much for listening.
Seriously brings me so much joydoing this.
(17:52):
This is M this is thoughts of anaddict.
If you want to reach me, goahead and email thoughts of an
addict show@gmail.com.
I love you all so much.
Have a beautiful rest of yourday.
Hello there everybody.
This is M again, and we are backwith another episode of.
Thoughts of an addict.
One of the start today's episodeby telling a cute little
anecdote about the podcast.
I I'm on a plane.
A few days ago, and I get a textfrom my mom saying, Hey, baby,
(00:38):
it's love your podcast, butJesus Christ, this last episode,
what the hell happened?
You sound like chipmunks onhere.
It sounds like you're talkingway too fast.
So.
Of course, I start freaking Idon't like that.
Jesus.
Did I do something wrong on thisepisode and take a look at the
podcast?
I listened to it and it soundsright on my end.
Getting ready to just take thewhole thing down.
(00:59):
And I asked my mom, I said, mom,send me a screenshot of what
you're looking at.
And she sends it over and shewas a.
She was listening to my podcastat two X speed.
So Freeney my listeners outthere.
Please, please make sure thatyou are a.
Not just trying to skip throughthe podcast.
(01:20):
Like, like my mom was, I loveyou, mom.
Thank you for listening.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (01:26):
All right.
So diving into the meat andpotatoes.
Of today's pod.
We are going to be talking aboutthe fourth step of any 12 step
program, which might be.
The most infamous one next tomaking a men's, which is.
Creating a moral inventory, afearless moral inventory, as
(01:50):
they say in the literature.
And this step is the one that.
People avoid like the fuckingblack plague.
People get through the firstthree steps, they admit that
they're fucked up.
They say, okay, there'ssomething outside of me that.
Can help me.
And then the third step is I'mwilling to try whatever that is.
(02:11):
And then they get to the fourthstep, which effectively says
make a list of every fucked upthing you've ever done.
And they say, all right, I'm,uh, going to take my sweet, old
time on this one.
And somewhat ironically, that'swhat happened here.
I think I did my last episodeabout any step work, the third
step.
But it was like two months agoand I'm like, fuck, I don't want
(02:32):
to talk about this one since.
This one's a real bear, but herewe are.
And we're going to dive a littlebit into writing a fearless
moral inventory.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (02:46):
So first I want to talk about.
Y.
Are we doing this moralinventory?
And first I'll tell you whywe're not doing it.
We're not doing it to beatourselves up.
This isn't some Catholicism,original sin, fucking you're a
terrible person.
No.
Okay.
You're an addict.
You already fucking hateyourself.
(03:06):
Probably.
You don't need to beat yourselfup anymore than you've done for
the last X number of years ofyour life that you have been
using.
Guilt shame.
That's not the idea here.
The main reason we're doingthis.
Is so we.
Do not live in denial.
(03:28):
Of the things that we've doneand our beliefs.
So I think.
That living in the present.
Is one of the best things.
Probably the best thing that aperson can do.
And that's a whole nother topicand podcast episode, but the
reason I bring that up.
Is because someone might say,well, just forget about the
(03:49):
past.
Just live right now andeverything that's happened has
happened.
And there's some truth to that.
It'd be great to say, fuck it,starting today.
I'm going to forget every shittything that I've ever done.
But this is irresponsible.
I think for an addict on twodifferent levels.
The first one is more of a basichuman one, which is.
(04:12):
We ought to make amends.
And we're not going to make amen's if we don't.
Honestly think about all of thepeople that we've harmed.
And the second reason is, andthis is, I think the most
important reason is.
When we take a deep holisticlook.
At all the shitty things thatwe've done.
(04:33):
And everything that's hurt usand everything that we've heard.
I think that we are going tostart to identify some patterns.
And when we start to identifypatterns, We are going to be
able to create watchdogs.
In our mind, am I not?
I mean, we're going to be ableto identify.
(04:54):
Wow.
I was really, really shitty tothat person because they did
this thing to me.
Wow.
I really shouldn't have saidthat to this person.
And I got that way because I wasperforming this action.
And as we.
List out the things that we havedone in the past, we're going to
be able to start recognizing,okay.
(05:14):
I need to avoid these situationsor okay.
When this happens, I really,really need to take a step back
and think about what my nextaction is.
Gotta be.
And another key reason that weneed to take this moral
inventory is we're going to takea stock in all of our beliefs.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micro (05:36):
I should note here.
This isn't the time to lie.
Okay.
If you've been an addict.
You've been lying a lot.
You hadn't blind, probably yourwhole fucking life.
And this is.
A golden opportunity.
To just be honest as hell.
The most honest that you've everbeen in your life.
Because the only people that aregoing to see it are you.
(05:57):
And maybe your sponsor shouldprobably show it to your
sponsor, but we'll get to thatin a later step.
But now is a very safe space.
To be completely honest withyourself.
So when I say list out all ofyour beliefs.
Don't list out the beliefs thatyou think you ought to have.
Don't list out the 10commandments.
(06:18):
Don't talk about the goldenrule.
List out the beliefs that youhave had.
Such as I'm going to do whateverI can to get drugs.
I'm willing to fuck over anyonein my way.
To get what I want.
I'm the only person in thisuniverse that matters.
These kinds of six self-centeredthoughts that just fucking
(06:40):
paying you to write out.
You need to get them out on thepaper, you know why?
Because there's a chance.
That they're operating on yousubconsciously.
And if swings are operating onyou subconsciously, you're never
going to be able to change them.
So by writing out our beliefs,we can recognize, huh?
(07:00):
Wow.
This is really shitty.
This is something that I'd liketo change.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (07:07):
It's only by being.
Totally fucking honest.
Got it.
Hurts.
But it's, I wouldn't say it'simportant.
I think it's critical.
I think it's life or death.
To be honest during this moralinventory.
Because if we can honestlyidentify our patterns, Then we
are going to be able tocultivate a lives for a life for
(07:29):
ourselves in which.
We are going to be able to avoida lot of these previous
situations that would have.
Continually fucked us.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (07:41):
And maybe even more importantly from
our patterns.
We are going to be able torecognize something.
We call character defects.
We are going to be able to pointexactly to wow.
My character is deeply fucked upand flawed in this way.
Maybe from this, you begin torecognize.
(08:01):
Damn.
Um, pretty dishonest or.
Damn fuck.
I'm pretty mean.
And.
It's important to rememberfriends that everybody's
imperfect.
Everybody has things.
That they ought to work on.
But for the addict.
We need it is critical.
(08:22):
Uh, work on these defects ofcharacter for it is these
defects of character.
That likely led us to ouraddiction and certainly kept us
interactive using.
And secondly, if we're totally
honest with our beliefs, Wellguess what?
We can actually change them.
All right.
So what the fuck does itactually mean?
(08:45):
To write this moral inventory.
And in short.
There's a lot of differentguidelines that you can use.
Really?
This is going to be a form ofjournaling for yourself.
And.
Go to our best friend.
The Google's.
And just ask it, I need a moralinventory for step four.
And if you're not act, maybelook up narcotics anonymous.
(09:07):
If you're an alcoholic, look upfor AA.
If you don't fucking believe in12 steps, just say.
I want to journal about the badthings that I've done in my
past, and I'm sure somethingwill come up for you.
And I like to break.
My personal moral inventory downinto a few different, let's say
(09:29):
subsections.
I like talking about all myresentments.
So my resentments are.
All of the shitty experiencesthat I've had in the past.
That I blame on somebody else.
So maybe my resentment.
Could talk about I talked a lotabout my Catholic upbringing.
I was like, wow.
(09:50):
All this God stuff that, thatprobably EFT me up a little bit.
Frankly, I don't think there'sany problem with religion, but
for me, the way that it wasinstilled in me, it probably
wasn't good.
A lot of different other thingsthat people talk about are
resentment toward people.
I know a lot of people talkabout, oh, well, my dad really
(10:11):
fucked me up when I was younger.
And I'm not saying that for me,but, and.
That's really, really fuckinghard for people to move past.
So people hold onto thesegrudges and this mental strife.
And really it's just hurtingthemselves.
One of my favorite quotes of alltime is that holding a grudge?
(10:32):
Is like drinking a poison.
And waiting for the other personto die.
Think about that one for asecond.
Holding a grudge Is really onlyhurting yourself while the
reason that we Do it as we thinkit's having some kind of effect
on other people it's not Justkilling ourselves We're feeling
that poison for no reason
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (10:55):
This second section is probably the
hardest one.
It's the one on relationships.
Familial friend sexualpartnerships.
The relationship with yourreligious leader, with your
teacher, with everybody.
The section so hard because.
Addicts are just these coldshells of individuals.
(11:18):
Often addicts are deeplyempathetic.
And it can be really, reallychallenging to recognize the
harm that we've done.
In people's lives, even peoplethat we've cared about, but it
is absolutely critical.
That we list out therelationships that we've had.
And our part in.
Probably by this point in time,fucking ruining them.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo M (11:43):
Third and this one's also a fucking
doozy.
Is all of the ways in which wewere self obsessed and
self-centered.
I believe that that is.
The root cause.
Of all of our addictions, butnow is the time.
To really sit down and write outhow we've been.
Self-centered self obsessedpeople.
And this might sound kind ofmean, but in a lot of ways, it's
(12:06):
like we were children who nevergrew up.
The four year old on theplayground, not sharing his
toys, not looking out for theother kids on the playground.
I guess what a lot of addictshad that same mentality where
I'm just going to take as muchof the fucking pie as I can
before I die in this lifetime.
And that's what leads to so manyof the addictive problems to the
(12:28):
total disconnect from ourselvesand humanity.
So now is the time to honestlyrecognize those ways in which
we've been self-centered.
And then only pen.
Can we start.
Turning.
Turning our wills more towardnon self-centered, more selfless
acts.
That's going to help us connect.
Next, we're going to write about all
(12:49):
the things that we are shamefuland guilty about.
And the program we call theseour our deep dark secrets.
The things that we have neverreally shared with anybody else
that we just hold on to maybe asan addict, maybe you do a good
act.
And you have fuck comes near mylike, huh?
Maybe I'm not a total piece ofshit.
Earn boom.
(13:11):
Your mind goes to that fuckingterrible thing that you did.
That you've never told anyoneelse.
It's a ball and chain and itspells the words, shame.
It is not going to allow you toever feel good about yourself.
But.
That was the time to be honest.
Now's the time to write it alldown.
(13:32):
We need to critically examine.
The things that we've done inour lives or else we're just
going to constantly live indenial.
So it's time for that deep darkshameful secret stage.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (13:46):
And finally the last part that I
like to do.
It's right about my fears.
I said earlier that selfobsession is at the core.
Of our addictions, but I thinkfear might go right up there,
hand in hand.
We'll sell the session.
(14:06):
We're afraid that we're nevergoing to amount to anything
we're afraid of the people thatwe've become.
We're afraid of the people thatwe haven't been able to become
yet.
And that's why we use.
And we're afraid that we'venever lived up to any
expectations.
Addicts are riddled with fear.
That's why we use, that's a hugereason why we use so much
(14:28):
because we don't like toexperience those feelings.
But when we avoid those fears,Well, they just keep compounding
and compounding and compoundingand getting.
Deeper and deeper into theperiphery of our consciousness.
Making them even harder to dealwith.
And the harder they get to dealwith the more drugs we do,
vicious cycle bad.
(14:50):
Time to list out all thosefears.
And see that.
Okay.
All of these things are.
Pretty scary.
But if I were clean, Maybe thereare things that I can do right
now or.
When I'm clean, maybe Irecognize that.
(15:11):
These are just products of avery sick, fucked up mind.
So now.
We list our fears.
And that's it.
That is Z moral inventory.
Much.
Infinitely easier said thandone.
Man, it's a fuckingheartbreaking experience.
Writing down all of the shittythings you've ever done.
(15:33):
All the people that you've caredabout, that you've heard all the
people you haven't cared about,that you've heard all the people
that have hurt you.
Man.
It's just a mind bendingexperience, but.
Once you're done.
At least you have this.
Cohesive.
Narrative.
Of your past.
(15:54):
And it's cohesive.
It's not bullshit.
Right now, a lot of thenarrative of your past.
If you're an addict is probablyimbued in bullshit.
Because maybe you're living indenial.
Maybe you're not acknowledgingthat you're hurting people.
But once you see.
All the things that you've done.
(16:15):
You're going to be able torecognize things.
You're going to be able to seethe people that you might've
been hurting.
You're gonna be able to see howyou've been hurting yourself.
You're going to be able to seethe ways in which your fucked
up..
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (16:27):
Then after you go through all that
pain of working on that moralinventory.
Well, then you have a roadmap.
My friends.
Because now you see.
The ways in which you'vewronged.
Now you can make it right.
I, you know what you need towork on.
It's the beginning.
(16:47):
Of an absolutely beautifulspiritual journey.
And what you recognize thoseflaws in that self hatred and
the self obsession and thefears.
And then finally, now that it'sall out there, all out of that
head of yours.
You can actually see it for whatit is and you can see.
(17:10):
That these are all things thatyou can work on and that you can
change.
And that my friends it's themost beautiful thing in the
world.
To be able to change who youare.
And be more available, not onlyto yourself.
But to the people that youreally love and care for, but
the first step.
(17:31):
Is that fearless, tough, gritty,dark.
Probably tragic.
Moral inventory.
Thank you so, so much for tuningin my friends.
Oh, God, this is so much fun.
Doing this with the all, thankyou so much for listening.
Seriously brings me so much joydoing this.
(17:52):
This is M this is thoughts of anaddict.
If you want to reach me, goahead and email thoughts of an
addict show@gmail.com.
I love you all so much.
Have a beautiful rest of yourday.
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