August 20, 2023 • 10 mins
In this episode, I talk about how the admission that your life has become unmanageable can be your greatest asset in breaking free.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo M (00:11):
Hello there everybody.
This is your grateful recoveringaddict.
My name is em.
And thank you so much for tuninginto another episode of thoughts
of an addict.
It's a God, it's just anabsolutely beautiful day over
here.
The sun is shining.
Like I said.
If you're able to break out ofactive addiction every day.
(00:35):
That you're alive is an absolutegift, but.
A little bit of sunshine.
That's just a little cherry ontop.
So I am very happy today and Ihope.
I hope that you're having a goodday as well.
So picking up from our lastpodcast, we were talking about.
What does it really mean to bean addict and maybe.
(00:58):
The wheels have started turningfor you and maybe you're
starting to wonder.
Hm.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm not.
I'm not trying to push anybodyto believe that you're an addict
of some kind.
If you're not.
But if you already knew that youwere an addict or you're
starting to recognize that youindeed.
Have this disease.
(01:20):
But what do we do now?
And this for many, many peopleis the absolute hardest part.
And this.
First step.
It blocks a lot of people fromeven trying to get clean.
So the very first thing that Idid when I discovered I was an
(01:44):
addict was.
I tried to regulate it on myown.
Okay.
And I recognized.
All right.
So, you know what.
Okay have this addiction.
What I'm going to do is I'mgoing to have a few beers here,
a few beers there, and, I'llreward myself with some drugs
(02:06):
every couple of weeks.
And.
Eventually.
That works for a little bit.
It works for a month or two.
And then I found myself in thesame dark place that I did two
months prior.
Crawling around on the ground.
Disabled by drugs.
And then I said, okay, you knowwhat?
(02:26):
I'm going to get control overthis thing on my own.
I'm an addict.
So I really, really got to tryhard to control it as I'm sure
many, many people try to do.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (02:36):
So this pattern of.
Trying to really regulate.
My addiction.
It wasn't working for me.
Okay.
The addicted mind was stillthere.
And it still had control overme.
Only it was trying to exist forlonger.
Right?
If you just go full head on intoaddiction.
(02:57):
Then the wheels are going tobreak down pretty quickly, but I
wanted my addiction to keepgoing.
So then I tried other ways Ithought to myself.
Okay.
How about I stay clean for a fewmonths and see what happens.
And then, the problem will becured and I'll be able to go
back to drugs here and there.
(03:19):
So I remember in college.
I joined a Christian group whereI would.
Read the Bible, join thesemeetings.
I always felt like a fish out ofwater being a drug addict in
these Christian groups.
It was able to make me, help mestay clean for a good two
months.
And then after those two months,re-up I said, All right.
(03:40):
I'm cured now, baby, that theaddiction thing is gone.
I can just go be a quote,unquote, normie, have a few
drinks, do drugs here and there.
And guess what.
It worked story over rightwrong.
After about a month or two ofdoing that.
Lo and behold, I ended up in thesame deep dark hole.
(04:04):
That I was in before I decidedto, before he admitted that I
was an addict.
Right.
So that was not working for me.
I recognize that as an addict.
I could not self-regulatebecause if I could self-regulate
guess what.
I wouldn't be an addict.
There wouldn't be a problemthere.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (04:28):
And here in my friends lies the rub.
I had to admit.
To myself.
That I was powerless over thisthing.
That I could not fucking beatthis thing on my own, just by
trying to self-regulate.
Because as I mentioned.
If I could have done it on myown, guess what?
(04:49):
I would've done it by now.
But I failed.
I failed once I failed twice, Ifailed three times and I kept
failing at it.
And this isn't one of thosecases where, well, if you don't
succeed, try, try again,because.
As an addict, you never know ifyour next high is going to be
your last right.
It could be the grave.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo M (05:12):
Don't get me wrong.
I didn't want to admit that Iwas powerless over something.
Nobody wants to be powerless.
Nobody wants to feel weak.
I remember for me, I cannot getover the idea that I was
powerless over something.
I think a big part of it wastied to frankly, tied the
(05:32):
narcissism.
What I found from myself andspeaking to other recovering
addicts is.
We're kind of cursed with thesenarcissistic personality traits
where we believe that we're Godand we can just solve everything
via our own accord.
But no, the narcissism wastelling me.
(05:54):
Em, you can do anything.
This stupid addiction thing, youcan overcome it on your own.
And even though.
I had sufficient evidence toprove that I was totally
incapable.
Of caring lists thing by my ownaccord.
I wasn't willing to admit it.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (06:15):
And now warning incoming cliche,
but.
What did they say aboutinsanity?
It's doing the same thing overand over and expecting a
different result.
And.
What does that suggest thatsuggest that I was insane.
For many years recognizing thatI wasn't beating this thing.
But I wasn't going to doanything different about it.
(06:37):
And it was only when I admittedto myself.
Fuck.
Threw my hands up in the air andsaid, fuck it.
I can't do this on my own.
This thing.
Has gotten too powerful.
And it's taken control of me.
Only then was I able to go seekhelp and only then were things
able to get better?
(06:59):
So.
What I would ask for you.
If you've admitted now that youare an addict or you think that
you could be an addict.
Is ask yourself.
Why haven't you been able to fixit on your own?
Why are you still an addict?
Because if you're able to fix iton your own, a and B.
(07:23):
If you are.
Still an addict.
Y how would that be possible?
Why wouldn't you have fixed itby now, if you really wanted to.
And the answer is because wecan't do it on our own.
At least I couldn't do it on myown.
Maybe you can.
I truly hope you can.
If you're able to have thatmind, that's just able to fix
(07:46):
things.
On its own and that's great, butI can not do it on my own.
And it's hard for me to imaginethat people really can do it on
their own because.
If you could have already doneit, you would've done it.
And it's not like there's newinformation in your brain and
your consciousness that justgrew overnight.
That somehow is the fix.
(08:08):
Now the fix is going to comefrom outside of yourself, but.
We can talk about that.
We'll talk about that in a laterpodcast.
So.
I would ask you.
To really think.
Does this thing have power overme.
Are the drugs controlling me.
(08:29):
Is the addiction controlling mebecause if it is controlling,
you.
Well, then by definition, you'repowerless.
And that's okay, this isn'tdoomsday.
This is an important day.
This is a great, beautiful,bright shining day.
'cause now.
You can actually work at fixingthis thing.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (08:58):
If you tell yourself, yeah, I'm an
addict, but I'm going to try tocontrol it.
No.
You can't control it.
That's the whole problem.
That's what makes you an addict?
That's the addicted mind, tryingto keep its control over you.
And I say.
Fuck that.
It ends today.
(09:19):
Admit that you're powerlessadmit that this thing has
control over you.
And then, and only then will yoube ready to make a change and
start really working on thisthing?
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (09:34):
And if in your heart of hearts in
your deepest consciousness, youreally.
Thank you have power over thisthing.
Then fuck yes.
More power to you.
Go fucking quash this thing,because I don't want anybody to
be addicted.
So, yeah.
Where are we ending here?
We're ending at.
(09:56):
Yes.
I'm an addict.
And yes, this thing's taken afucking hold of me.
And I've got to do somethingelse.
And now that we're at thispoint.
I think we're ready for realchange and real change to me.
Oh man.
Once you make it to that otherside out of active addiction.
(10:18):
And start getting into recovery.
Fuck man.
The gifts that life have tooffer.
Far exceed.
Anything that I ever, everthought was possible.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis is M with thoughts of an
addict.
Hope to see you again.
Hello there everybody.
This is your grateful recoveringaddict.
My name is em.
And thank you so much for tuninginto another episode of thoughts
of an addict.
It's a God, it's just anabsolutely beautiful day over
here.
The sun is shining.
Like I said.
If you're able to break out ofactive addiction every day.
(00:35):
That you're alive is an absolutegift, but.
A little bit of sunshine.
That's just a little cherry ontop.
So I am very happy today and Ihope.
I hope that you're having a goodday as well.
So picking up from our lastpodcast, we were talking about.
What does it really mean to bean addict and maybe.
(00:58):
The wheels have started turningfor you and maybe you're
starting to wonder.
Hm.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm not.
I'm not trying to push anybodyto believe that you're an addict
of some kind.
If you're not.
But if you already knew that youwere an addict or you're
starting to recognize that youindeed.
Have this disease.
(01:20):
But what do we do now?
And this for many, many peopleis the absolute hardest part.
And this.
First step.
It blocks a lot of people fromeven trying to get clean.
So the very first thing that Idid when I discovered I was an
(01:44):
addict was.
I tried to regulate it on myown.
Okay.
And I recognized.
All right.
So, you know what.
Okay have this addiction.
What I'm going to do is I'mgoing to have a few beers here,
a few beers there, and, I'llreward myself with some drugs
(02:06):
every couple of weeks.
And.
Eventually.
That works for a little bit.
It works for a month or two.
And then I found myself in thesame dark place that I did two
months prior.
Crawling around on the ground.
Disabled by drugs.
And then I said, okay, you knowwhat?
(02:26):
I'm going to get control overthis thing on my own.
I'm an addict.
So I really, really got to tryhard to control it as I'm sure
many, many people try to do.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (02:36):
So this pattern of.
Trying to really regulate.
My addiction.
It wasn't working for me.
Okay.
The addicted mind was stillthere.
And it still had control overme.
Only it was trying to exist forlonger.
Right?
If you just go full head on intoaddiction.
(02:57):
Then the wheels are going tobreak down pretty quickly, but I
wanted my addiction to keepgoing.
So then I tried other ways Ithought to myself.
Okay.
How about I stay clean for a fewmonths and see what happens.
And then, the problem will becured and I'll be able to go
back to drugs here and there.
(03:19):
So I remember in college.
I joined a Christian group whereI would.
Read the Bible, join thesemeetings.
I always felt like a fish out ofwater being a drug addict in
these Christian groups.
It was able to make me, help mestay clean for a good two
months.
And then after those two months,re-up I said, All right.
(03:40):
I'm cured now, baby, that theaddiction thing is gone.
I can just go be a quote,unquote, normie, have a few
drinks, do drugs here and there.
And guess what.
It worked story over rightwrong.
After about a month or two ofdoing that.
Lo and behold, I ended up in thesame deep dark hole.
(04:04):
That I was in before I decidedto, before he admitted that I
was an addict.
Right.
So that was not working for me.
I recognize that as an addict.
I could not self-regulatebecause if I could self-regulate
guess what.
I wouldn't be an addict.
There wouldn't be a problemthere.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (04:28):
And here in my friends lies the rub.
I had to admit.
To myself.
That I was powerless over thisthing.
That I could not fucking beatthis thing on my own, just by
trying to self-regulate.
Because as I mentioned.
If I could have done it on myown, guess what?
(04:49):
I would've done it by now.
But I failed.
I failed once I failed twice, Ifailed three times and I kept
failing at it.
And this isn't one of thosecases where, well, if you don't
succeed, try, try again,because.
As an addict, you never know ifyour next high is going to be
your last right.
It could be the grave.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo M (05:12):
Don't get me wrong.
I didn't want to admit that Iwas powerless over something.
Nobody wants to be powerless.
Nobody wants to feel weak.
I remember for me, I cannot getover the idea that I was
powerless over something.
I think a big part of it wastied to frankly, tied the
(05:32):
narcissism.
What I found from myself andspeaking to other recovering
addicts is.
We're kind of cursed with thesenarcissistic personality traits
where we believe that we're Godand we can just solve everything
via our own accord.
But no, the narcissism wastelling me.
(05:54):
Em, you can do anything.
This stupid addiction thing, youcan overcome it on your own.
And even though.
I had sufficient evidence toprove that I was totally
incapable.
Of caring lists thing by my ownaccord.
I wasn't willing to admit it.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (06:15):
And now warning incoming cliche,
but.
What did they say aboutinsanity?
It's doing the same thing overand over and expecting a
different result.
And.
What does that suggest thatsuggest that I was insane.
For many years recognizing thatI wasn't beating this thing.
But I wasn't going to doanything different about it.
(06:37):
And it was only when I admittedto myself.
Fuck.
Threw my hands up in the air andsaid, fuck it.
I can't do this on my own.
This thing.
Has gotten too powerful.
And it's taken control of me.
Only then was I able to go seekhelp and only then were things
able to get better?
(06:59):
So.
What I would ask for you.
If you've admitted now that youare an addict or you think that
you could be an addict.
Is ask yourself.
Why haven't you been able to fixit on your own?
Why are you still an addict?
Because if you're able to fix iton your own, a and B.
(07:23):
If you are.
Still an addict.
Y how would that be possible?
Why wouldn't you have fixed itby now, if you really wanted to.
And the answer is because wecan't do it on our own.
At least I couldn't do it on myown.
Maybe you can.
I truly hope you can.
If you're able to have thatmind, that's just able to fix
(07:46):
things.
On its own and that's great, butI can not do it on my own.
And it's hard for me to imaginethat people really can do it on
their own because.
If you could have already doneit, you would've done it.
And it's not like there's newinformation in your brain and
your consciousness that justgrew overnight.
That somehow is the fix.
(08:08):
Now the fix is going to comefrom outside of yourself, but.
We can talk about that.
We'll talk about that in a laterpodcast.
So.
I would ask you.
To really think.
Does this thing have power overme.
Are the drugs controlling me.
(08:29):
Is the addiction controlling mebecause if it is controlling,
you.
Well, then by definition, you'repowerless.
And that's okay, this isn'tdoomsday.
This is an important day.
This is a great, beautiful,bright shining day.
'cause now.
You can actually work at fixingthis thing.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (08:58):
If you tell yourself, yeah, I'm an
addict, but I'm going to try tocontrol it.
No.
You can't control it.
That's the whole problem.
That's what makes you an addict?
That's the addicted mind, tryingto keep its control over you.
And I say.
Fuck that.
It ends today.
(09:19):
Admit that you're powerlessadmit that this thing has
control over you.
And then, and only then will yoube ready to make a change and
start really working on thisthing?
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mic (09:34):
And if in your heart of hearts in
your deepest consciousness, youreally.
Thank you have power over thisthing.
Then fuck yes.
More power to you.
Go fucking quash this thing,because I don't want anybody to
be addicted.
So, yeah.
Where are we ending here?
We're ending at.
(09:56):
Yes.
I'm an addict.
And yes, this thing's taken afucking hold of me.
And I've got to do somethingelse.
And now that we're at thispoint.
I think we're ready for realchange and real change to me.
Oh man.
Once you make it to that otherside out of active addiction.
(10:18):
And start getting into recovery.
Fuck man.
The gifts that life have tooffer.
Far exceed.
Anything that I ever, everthought was possible.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis is M with thoughts of an
addict.
Hope to see you again.
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