Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello and welcome to ThriveAfter 45, the podcast where we
redefine what's possible inmidlife.
I'm Denise, drink Walter, yourmidlife renewal coach here to
help you embrace your power,purpose, and potential.
This is your space to let go ofguilt, navigate transitions,
(00:21):
rediscover joy and thrive foryou by you because of you.
It is an absolute honor and atrue privilege to introduce and
welcome Tim Tero to the showtoday.
Tim is someone whose presenceimmediately invites you to slow
(00:43):
down, lean in.
And listen a little moreclosely, not just to him, but to
yourself, as well as abestselling author, keynote
speaker, TEDx Talk, and the hostof Selfless with a part-time
Monk.
Tim brings over 20 years ofexperience and has impacted.
(01:04):
Well over 500,000 lives andcounting through the sharing of
his wisdom in the areas ofstorytelling purpose and
personal transformation.
What makes this conversation sopowerful, especially for those
of us in midlife, is that Timhas walked through the fire of
burnout.
(01:25):
Reinvention and soul searching.
He's asked the same questions.
Many of us find ourselveswhispering.
What now?
What's my purpose and how can Ilive with more peace and less
pressure?
He's taken his experiences fromNational Radio host to part-time
(01:48):
Monk and created a beautiful wayof helping others uncover what
truly matters.
His approach is honest.
Relatable and rooted in bothancient wisdom and everyday
brain science.
If you've ever felt like youwere meant for more, but you
weren't sure how to find yourway forward, this episode is for
(02:13):
you.
Welcome to Thrive after 45.
Tim.
Denise, very nice to, uh, behere on the show with you.
And we are, we are all the same,aren't we?
We all suffer, we all havechallenges in life and we just
have to figure our way through.
Right.
It's so true.
And, and what I'm finding as Isupport the women that I support
(02:36):
through my work is that.
We hide from it because we don'twant to have the suffering.
Mm-hmm.
We don't want, we think we're ananomaly when in reality, just
like you shared, we are allconnected.
We all have all the stuff.
Right.
It's pretty even playing field,you know, the, and uh, I like to
(02:57):
say that, that if we suffer lessthan we happy more.
So if we can find ways to beable to, to do that in our
lives, uh, regardless of whatstage we are in life, then that
is the ultimate goal in lifereally, is to have a life of
greater clarity and ease andgrace and to be able to just
kind of deal with the highs andlows'cause they're both gonna be
(03:18):
part of our existence.
Uh, kind of treat those twoimposters just exactly the same,
but just to have so have, uh, somuch more, uh, joy in life.
Right.
So thank you for having me, bythe way.
Oh, it's such an honor.
Truly, truly is.
Um, when we met, I just waslike, oh, we have to have Tim on
(03:39):
the show.
How do I make sure this happens?
And it just unfolded.
It really wasn't an arm twist atall, which I was honored.
To, to have that conversation aswe met.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So we talk a lot about joy andpeace and happiness, and I've
had people, I see a lot of stuffas we all do on social media.
(04:03):
You're wearing the rose coloredglasses, girlfriend, come on.
There's, there's life that hits.
How do we even begin to notdivide it?
There's the good part and thebad part, but how do we live in
these moments that exist for useach and every day?
Is there a way to do that?
(04:24):
Takes practice?
Yeah, I mean, that's as simple.
Uh, my little, uh, I guesscatchphrase for my podcast is
that peace is possible withpractice, you know, all the, all
the different things and trialsand tribulations that we go
through every day.
And that could be anything from,you know, uh, the, the pressure
of feeling like you have to showup, uh, all the time, like, you
(04:46):
know, a a million percent or.
Or, you know, getting frustratedwith somebody in line at the
grocery store or something likethat.
We, we suffer so much from justlittle mundane things, but we
also suffer under the weight ofthese blankets of, uh, of
suffering that we're notprepared to deal with.
And that is like the algorithmand all the anger attainment in
(05:07):
the world and opinions abouteverything, right?
Uh, and news cycles and all thatkind of stuff.
So, uh, if we can.
Notice that those things, allthose little things are unique
forms of, uh, suffering thatbring us stress, anxiety, maybe
even a little discomfort.
Uh, then we can just recognizeit, see it for what it is, and
(05:28):
release it.
That's the practice is to beable to see it and to notice it
and to let it go ultimately.
Mm-hmm.
Is there anything in particularthat you can share with us that
the audience can go, oh.
I see what you're saying, but I,I don't really even know how to
begin.
You know, I can do it sometimes,or I don't even know if I'm
(05:51):
doing it.
Yeah, well, we all, uh, we're sowe're not starting from a place
of peace, right?
So we, we are unfamiliar with,uh, what a life of, uh, greater
peace might look like for us orwhat it might feel like.
We all live in what, uh, mightbe, uh, called, what I call
(06:12):
anyways, your, the default modeof life where we're literally
kind of going through life.
Uh, being triggered and, youknow, reacting to the situations
that happen in our lives.
And it's become a habit, right?
It's because we have a verysmall part of our brain called
the amygdala, or amygdala, andactually there's, there's two
(06:34):
amygdala.
So that's why I said amygdala,uh, that kind of control the way
that we, uh, go through lifewhen we're constantly scanning
for threats.
You know, by the way, this partof the brain is.
Reacting or acting exactly howit was designed.
So there's nothing wrong withyou.
That's, that's the interestingthing.
Mm-hmm.
But these two tiny littleportions of the brain, this is
(06:55):
amazing.
You know how big they are?
They're the size of an almond.
Oh wow.
Literally.
These little two little tinythings.
The size of your pinky finger,like the end of your pinky
finger.
The tip of your Yeah, the end.
Yeah, the tip.
These are the two parts of your,of your brain that are literally
scanning for threats all thetime.
Because, you know, a hundredthousand years ago, people
(07:17):
needed to have these thingsbecause it meant that they
stayed alive, you know?
Right.
So there's, uh, apparently therewas a really bad.
Tiger problem back then.
So they always had to be onconstant look for tigers.
It must have been a plague oftigers back then.
'cause it really, it reallydeveloped in a way that was
there to literally protect us.
(07:39):
The interesting thing though isthat once we start looking at
our mind with our mind, likewith our prefrontal cortex, the
part of our, of our brain that'sright there in the, in the
forehead, when we start lookingat the reactions that we have
from the amygdala and we startgoing, wait a second, we can be
in control of this.
We can deal with it far moregracefully and we can deal with
(08:01):
it with so much more compassion.
Uh, this is the practice that Iwas alluding to earlier.
This is the practice that we cango into time and time and time
again.
Uh, and it literally just takesa second that, that, that moment
of going, oh, instead of going,oh, no.
(08:21):
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Now I have to ask this question.
When you go, oh no.
When the amygdala fires, mm-hmm.
Does it send energy to your bodyas well?
That you have to compensate?
Four as well.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, because it's, it'sliterally, uh, you know, pulling
(08:41):
the fire alarm saying there'ssomething that is, uh, that is
dangerous here.
But the interesting thing isthat what we interpret as
danger, those tigers, you know,something really, really, you
know, maybe somebody with a.
With some sort of a weaponcoming at us.
Sure.
The type, the type of reactionwe have, uh, from that is
(09:02):
interpreted the exact same way.
Uh, as if we saw some sort of a,of an opinion on a newsfeed that
we didn't agree with.
We have the exact same reaction.
Mm-hmm.
Or you know, or somebody, uh,looked at us just a little bit
sideways we thought.
We would still have the exactsame reaction.
(09:23):
So yeah, there are, there areresponses that happen in the
body where we automatically godetect danger.
So we have to be fight or flightor freeze.
Right?
Um, but in reality.
None of that stuff is, uh, couldbe, you know, considered, uh,
something that we have to reactto.
It's something that we couldjust, uh, instead encourage our
(09:46):
more intelligent human brain tojust take a look at and go.
This really need to be the case.
Is there something more lovingthat I can do for myself?
Or is there something morecompassionate that I can do for
myself in this situation that isgoing to allow me to just deal
with it with more grace?
Right.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
(10:07):
And that's the practicerecognizing it and then taking
what you kind of referenced as apause.
That breath, whatever it is, to,and this could happen literally
a thousand times a day.
So you get lots of chances topractice.
Right?
Exactly.
Exactly.
(10:27):
It's really about tuning in anddoing this for you by you
because of you, which is whatthe show's all about.
Mm-hmm.
Nobody else can do it for you.
It's all internal.
It's all you steering that ship.
Yeah.
The, the great, uh, Buddhistteacher Han has this beautiful,
uh, lesson, and the lesson isjust simply the way out is in.
(10:53):
Mm.
So instead of worrying about allthe outside stuff coming at you,
just worry about what ishappening inside of you and how
you perceive it and whether ornot you react to it.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Make that choice, make thatdecision the power of control.
Mm-hmm.
And there's, and there is noperfect way of doing it.
(11:13):
You know, people could train anddo this, you know, the Dalai
Lama faces the exact samechallenges that we all do
because he's a human being.
You know, it's uh, uh, if you'rean enlightened person, you would
still have to kind of deal withthe human.
Uh, tendencies and memories orreactions to just what is
(11:34):
happening out there in theworld.
So, but it does become, I cansay much more.
Um, uh, lovely.
There you go.
Yeah.
When you can, when you can just,you know, just kind of go, eh,
what are you gonna do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How does this, A question that Ilike to, to put out for myself
and for those that I support andpeople that I talk to, is, how
(11:57):
does this serve me?
I find that question brings itback to myself, but it also does
a bit of an interrupter.
Um, yeah.
It makes us stop and pause.
Wait a minute.
How does this serve me?
Getting all.
Keyed up about somebody cuttingme off, going in front of me
(12:17):
when they shouldn't havewhatever.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it's important to noticethat, uh, um, so I'm working on
a book right now, and it'scalled mm-hmm.
It's not your fault, it's yourdefault.
And the idea behind this is tobe able to help people
understand that so many of thereactions and so many of the
triggers that we have in life,this is not a personality flaw.
This it isn't even you.
(12:38):
It's just that ancient dinosaurpart of the brain that is just
kind of going right directly todefault.
So you can give yourself that,uh, that uh, that uh, moment of,
oh, you know what, this isn'tme.
This is just, this is just theway that, uh, a human being is
designed.
You can literally release itthat way by going, oh, that's my
default.
Yeah, I, okay.
I don't have to deal with that.
(12:59):
I love that because that takesthe, the whole pressure off
yourself, doesn't it?
It's like this is just the wayit's supposed to be, but I don't
need to keep going there.
Love that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Puts you really in the driver'sseat, doesn't it?
Right.
Totally.
Mm-hmm.
Totally.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And every, I like how youbrought in Dalai Lama, because
(13:21):
everybody is human.
There's, right.
There's so many times we putothers in higher places than
ourselves or think, well,they've got it together.
So what's wrong with that wholecomparison game?
Yeah.
But I just love how you haveleveled the playing field here.
(13:42):
It really is.
And you know, so there's a, uh,there are a certain type of, uh,
content online now that is kindalike people shaming, you know,
so there'd be, uh, uh, somebodywho was, uh, provided with a
video of somebody really actingout and.
Probably acting in ways thatwere probably beneath the way
that they would like to act orwhatnot, but maybe they've, you
(14:03):
know, blown their stack or maybesaid something that they
probably wouldn't have done inother times or whatever the
case.
And it, I remind myself all thetime, they're just human beings
now.
It doesn't mean that I have toagree with what they did
perfect, but it is a way to beable to kind of say, oh, what
they did.
(14:24):
Maybe that really isn't them.
Maybe that is just the AlmondUhhuh.
There you go.
Yeah.
Maybe that is just the almondlittle tiny, little almond sized
chunk of your brain, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And uh, so if there's anythingthat we can do as human beings
is just maybe walk around andjust look at all the other
people that we run into throughthe day and kind of go, oh, look
(14:46):
at that little almond.
So look at that little almond.
It's so good.
The, the tips you're giving usare, are so, um, actionable.
So thank you for thisconversation because you know, I
can, I know people are gonnawrite in almond.
I never saw an almond like that.
(15:07):
Every time I eat an almond, nowI'm gonna think, whoa, I've got
the power and control here.
Right?
There you go.
Yeah.
So good.
Yeah.
So good.
Mm-hmm.
High pressure things that arehappening around people, let's
say.
Your life is busy.
I was reading a post today of awhat?
(15:27):
Midlife woman in the middle.
Mm-hmm.
Parents are aging and it's notgoing well.
There's medical problems,family, younger family, not too
young, but younger family fromthe way I understood it and just
feeling like.
The stress is so huge and Istill have all the
responsibilities.
How do I take care of myself?
(15:49):
Very, I mean, reading the postand going into the history of
the person.
Very smart individual, verykind, and she's feeling really
stuck.
I mean, her situation right now,but I'm, I'm.
I know this is one pillar interms of what could be
happening.
Mm-hmm.
But I know people feel stuck, sois there something hidden that's
(16:13):
a wiring that keeps them fromfinding this piece when there's
always that pressure or thatpressure seems to exist or they
created, or it's created forthem, whatever that may be.
Mm-hmm.
So, uh, so if this person is atthe, at the time where they're,
you know, raising children andthey also have aging parents
that need their help, you're,you are literally sandwiched
(16:36):
between mm-hmm.
Taking care of little ones andtaking care of big ones.
Yeah.
That is an enormousresponsibility and that requires
a lot of compassion for yourselfbecause you're just doing your
best.
You know, when, when I wasdealing with my, uh, aging, uh,
father and with my in-laws andall that sort of thing, yeah.
It really weighs heavy on you.
But you can only do the bestthat you can do, you know?
(16:58):
Mm-hmm.
The only thing that you cangive, uh, to, uh, each one of
you mm-hmm.
Your children, yourself and yourparents, is, uh, compassion and
understanding.
Uh, it's, and it is a verytemporary time of life.
Oh, very impermanent part oflife.
(17:18):
And at some point in time, inthe very near future, or maybe
in the far future, something'sgonna change.
And you're gonna look back atthat time.
Go, go, wow.
Uh, you know, I wish I had myparents still around, and I wish
that my children were littlelike they were back then, et
cetera, et cetera.
One of the.
(17:38):
More, uh, most powerful partsof, uh, of my monkey experience
they had in Thailand was, uh, Ihad an experience where after
they shaved my head, they gaveme this bundle of hair that was
wrapped up in, uh, lotus leafand just tied up with a little
string.
And so they shaved off all my,uh, hair on my head and my
eyebrows too.
(17:59):
So I walked around lookingsurprised for the next two
weeks.
And, uh, the, uh, uh, but theygimme this bundle specifically
so that I could go to a streamone day and release my past self
down the river with,'cause thishair represented my past self,
right?
As I, uh.
Dropped a little bundle intothe, into the stream that day.
(18:21):
After a little meditation, I sawit go down the stream and it
went only about maybe 15 feet,and it ran into a stick and it
got stuck on the stick, and Ikind of went, oh, well that's
kind of interesting.
But sure enough, I.
It pretty soon jostled its waypast and went further down the
river, but not far.
'cause this time it ran into agreat big rock and it got stuck
(18:41):
behind this big rock.
But as you can imagine,eventually it pushed its way
past that rock as well.
And this gave me a reallyinteresting lesson that I still
lean into today.
Everything is temporary.
Mm-hmm.
Getting stuck, uh, in life.
Is part of life, but still soulis, uh, is going merely down the
(19:03):
stream.
And you know, when the, thehappy parts are the easy parts,
right?
So, uh, you know, all that chaall those challenges that we
have, um, they are verytemporary and we can look at
them, uh, in a way that says,okay, all I can do, if I'm
compassionate with myself and mychildren and my parents, then
that's really.
(19:24):
The biggest win that we canhave, you know?
Yeah.
And, uh, I would, I would givemy eye teeth to revisit those
times.
Mm-hmm.
Again, where I could just have asip of with, of coffee with my
dad at a and w again.
Right.
Yeah.
And I would love to have thosetimes where I would have little
kids sitting on my lap and I'mreading them a story as well.
(19:46):
Mm-hmm.
Again, so now we just move, uh,past.
And the beautiful thing aboutthis though, too.
I, I feel, anyways, Denise?
Yes.
Is that when you get olderbeyond that 45, 50?
Yep.
Now you're in a much more, uh,uh, peaceful place of, uh,
wisdom and also re explorationof who you will be now.
(20:09):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And that possibility is wideopen?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
All, everything you just sharedthere, I can see all of it
happening.
And then I had flashbacks of myexperiences and seeing how, yep,
I got stuck on a log, not asticks sometimes, so be it.
(20:33):
I went, I the river kept flowingand I kept going, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
So good.
Yeah.
Nobody's getting out aliveright?
At the end of the day.
And so how are you going tolive?
Your life as you speak soeloquently with joy and purpose
(20:53):
and you know, giving back to youand knowing who you are and
letting the things that come,let them come, explore them,
understand them, and let them befor what they need to be, and
take control where you need to.
Mm-hmm.
What you need to do differently.
Mm-hmm.
If you can.
Great point.
(21:14):
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you can take control.
Yeah.
And, and sometimes you can't.
Yeah.
Right.
And is, do you find that's a bigstruggle for people when you,
when.
They can't take that control.
Is that a big hurdle to get overfor some?
Oh, we'd love, we'd all love tobe absolutely in control of our
own vehicle, right?
And, and to just do everythingthat, uh, that we would love to
(21:38):
have happen in our lives.
You know, we'd have millions ofdollars and we would have
nothing but, uh, plush vacationsall the time and the best
clothing and all this other kindof thing, you know?
Uh, I, I think it's quiteinteresting that.
If we were given the choicebetween a, uh, uh, you know,
something, a piece of clothingoff the rack or something that
was designed just for us, wewould always choose the design
(21:58):
just for us.
Or if we would choose, uh, ahome that was just kind of a
standard home, or if we had onethat was designed just for us
that had the perfect littlecoffee nook and the espresso
machine, and the bowling alley,and all those kind of things, we
would always want to choosethat.
We do have a choice with ourmind, whether we want to have
just the basic operating systemin our mind, or do we want to
(22:23):
have a more perfect designedmind and we can design that mind
through seeing the type ofsuffering that we go through
every day as literally just partof the process and releasing
that, uh uh, as easily aspossible.
So, does that mean meditation?
Yeah.
Sometimes.
Does that mean mindfulness?
Yeah, that's something that isportable and you can carry that
(22:45):
with you, uh, uh, pretty welleverywhere you go.
Well, absolutely everywhere yougo.
Right?
Uh, does that mean recognizingand noticing those times where
it just doesn't feel right andit doesn't feel comfortable and
it doesn't feel like you haveexactly what you want?
Yes.
That is the release that is, uh,the practice that will allow you
(23:09):
to be able to lead a, a muchmore.
Um, peaceful life, I think.
Mm-hmm.
Is there anything that you wantto share with the audience?
I want you to talk about thebook that's forthcoming.
Mm-hmm.
But is there anything more thatyou would love to share with our
audience, knowing that you'vegiven so much of your wisdom and
(23:34):
making sure we'll have in theshow notes how to find you to
get.
Onto your podcast and listen.
'cause I started listening, I'mlike, ah, I've gotta rewind
that.
That's so good.
Mm-hmm.
Nice.
Oh, thank you.
You're the one that's listening.
Thank you.
You know, I, I would like to saythat, uh, that.
(23:58):
We're all trying our very, verybest.
You know, and the o the onething that hasn't really changed
in the history of mankind isthat tiny little amygdala that
makes us live by default.
You know, we're alwaysconstantly, uh, scanning for
threats.
Um, I would say that I think wecould, uh, just recognize.
(24:23):
That less suffering means morehappiness.
Happiness is a byproduct that,that comes from having a much
more easy way of looking atlife, uh, much more, uh,
thoughtful way of looking atlife and know that just
absolutely every single personon Earth is just doing their
(24:44):
best given the tools that theyhave.
Um, so.
And I also want to point outthat we are also.
Living in a time that isprobably the most stressful in
the history of, of, of mankindtoo.
You know, all those extra layersthat I talked about earlier.
Mm mm Uh, we were never designedto deal with the weight of the
(25:07):
world, right?
Yeah.
So now if we read about or hearabout.
Wars that are happening indifferent parts of the world
that affects us now in ways thatwe have never been designed for.
And if we're getting, uh,opinions all the time from
different news sources orwhatever the case, again, these
are all, uh, uh, uh.
(25:28):
Added layers of stress thatagain, we don't have to deal
with, uh, because we are notliterally designed for it.
So be kind to yourself and justknow that you're, you are, uh,
you're treading water and, uh,the, the less reactivity you can
have to all those extra sourcesis something that is gonna be
(25:51):
very, very beneficial for you.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you so much for beinghere, for sharing in the short
period of time that we've hadtogether.
I'd love to have you back.
We can create a space to be ableto do so if that works with your
(26:11):
schedule.
I know you're a very busy man,but it has been an absolute
pleasure.
What a truly rich and soulstirring conversation with.
Tim we've had today, I hope hiswisdom has sparked something
within you, whether it was adeeper question or a quiet
truth, or a gentle reminder thatit is okay to want more peace,
(26:36):
more purpose, and more ease,especially in the season of
midlife.
If today's episode resonatedwith you, I want to personally
invite you to explore more ofwho you are in a safe,
supportive, and judgment freespace.
Inside the Becoming Her MentorMembership, a space created just
(26:58):
for women like you, women whoare ready to reconnect with
their voice, rediscover theirjoy, and remember who they are.
And if you haven't already, besure to follow the show.
Leave a review and share thisepisode with someone else who
might need it.
Your support helps more womenfind this community.
(27:20):
Feel seen, heard, and inspiredon their own journey.
Until next time, keep listeningto your heart.
It does know the way.
Do something for you by youbecause of you today and every
day.
Goodbye.