March 18, 2025 • 27 mins
On today's episode of Thrive Like a Mother I sit down with Janiah Farmer, mama of three littles, to have an open and honest conversation that started in the DMs about the emotional side of motherhood that often goes unspoken. We dive into:
- baby blues
- the grief that can come with closing the chapter on having more children
- how to truly know when your last baby is your last
Janiah shares her personal journey, the mindset shifts that helped her through the struggles of postpartum and how she embraced the transition into her current season of motherhood. Whether you're currently in the thick of postpartum emotions, wrestling with the idea of being “done” having babies, or just looking for reassurance that you’re not alone— mama this episode is for you.
Tune in as we unpack the complexities of motherhood, honor the bittersweet moments, and find ways to thrive in every stage.
What era of motherhood are you currently navigating? Share your experience or connect with Janiah on Instagram @janiah_farmer_ to continue this important conversation.
Thank you so much for listening in! If anything in this episode resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with a friend or on social media.
And don't forget to tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me get the word out.
Follow and chat with me on Instagram:
Podcast account - @thrivelikeamother.podcast
Personal account - @thrive.empowered
Sending you light and love always!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ebony Fleming (00:00):
Hey, love, I'm Ebony and welcome to Thrive Like
a Mother On this podcast.
We're scared for our truth, butthat fear is what fuels us to
truly live in it.
You're in the right place ifyou feel like you're stuck in
survivor mode and you're readyto step into who you were truly
(00:20):
meant to be.
I'll share resources and toolsI use daily to help you in your
journey towards a healthiermindset and to break the wheel
of survival.
The journey may not be easy,but you won't have to face it
alone.
I'm a mama of three, healingday by day from past trauma, and
I'm on a mission to build alife I've always dreamed of but
(00:42):
never thought was possible.
So, love, if you're ready tobelieve in what's possible,
let's link arms and thrivetogether.
So first of all, janiyah, thankyou for literally taking the
time out of your busy day.
Janiah Farmer (01:00):
I know we're both full-time workers.
Ebony Fleming (01:02):
Thank you for taking the busy time, the time
out of your day, really to justchat with me and share your
story with our listeners.
I think it's important, asmothers, to really know that
we're not alone in what we'refeeling, and so, when we connect
a lot of the times, and when wewere recently chatting, I
realized that, you know, theconversation that we were having
(01:23):
was something that, like, wedon't hear often enough and we
need to, like we need to talkabout it.
We need to, like I said, knowthat we're not alone.
So I'm going to jump right inand I just want you to share a
little bit about yourself andyour, just your motherhood
journey.
We'll start there.
So I have I got three littlittles.
Janiah Farmer (01:44):
They are affectionately referred to as as
the littles um, big little,middle little and little little.
It's just the term I actuallytook from a friend who calls her
three kids the same thing um.
So I have a seven-year-oldMaddox, I have a um
five-year-old Leo, and then Ihave a three-year-old Audrey, um
, and so yeah, I've I've been inthe game for less than 10 years
(02:07):
.
Every day is a is a big learningcurve.
Um, still, seven years afterbeing a mom for seven years, of
course, like, still don't feellike I completely have my
footing.
Um, and not really sure I everwill.
Like I, every day is a learningcurve.
Um, on top of that, I do workfull-time.
I work from home.
Um, I am also in school gettingmy second master's degree.
Ebony Fleming (02:31):
I know stupid why would you do that?
No girl, me too, not me too.
But I can relate because I didthe same.
I did the same thing.
Janiah Farmer (02:39):
I'm like, why did I do this again?
Like, okay, you know, trying tosee the bigger picture at the
end of the tunnel, you know, ontop of that, trying to, you know
, balance kids, work, marriageI've been married.
This month will make 10 yearsthat I've been married.
Ebony Fleming (02:54):
Congrats, thank you.
Janiah Farmer (02:57):
So, yeah, juggling all the things you know
, and and and and, in mymotherhood journey I have been,
it's been a challenge, you know,trying to raise these little
people who are going toeventually become adults, raise
them and guide them in the waythat you believe that they
should go, while also stilltrying to maintain some sort of
(03:19):
autonomy within yourself.
You know, like, you have thesekids that are depending on you
and this house is depending onyou.
You know, if you have a spouse,a partner, that's depending on
you, and then in the midst ofthat, you're like, okay, well,
where do I fit myself into thepicture?
And so I think, for moms it's,it's so common for us to just
put ourselves on the back burner, um, and that's worse, yeah, at
(03:46):
the very end of the list.
And that's where, you know,self-care kind of takes a toll.
You know kind of dips.
You know, trying to rediscoverwhat interests you Like people
will ask me like, oh, what doyou like to do for fun?
And I can't tell them because Idon't remember, um, or I
haven't really taken the time torediscover that part of myself
since having kids because theyhave taken, you know, center
stage.
And then one of the things thatled to our conversation that we
(04:11):
had was do I want another baby?
And I feel like she wentthrough infancy and just
babyhood in just such a quickway, like faster than my sons
(04:34):
did.
I found myself kind of like oh,I miss having a baby.
You know like, despite themrunning around, being loud,
acting a complete, just uttermess, and you know you have a
lot of days where you want totear your hair out.
But then you look at them andyou're like you guys are getting
big like really quickly and Imiss having that little tiny,
like literally this is about asbig as they will be and you're
(04:58):
just like oh, and it's so fastyeah, and it goes by so fast and
, unfortunately for me, myfavorite stage is that newborn
stage, so I get like six weeksof just like oh, the snuggles,
the stretch.
The scrunch is oh my gosh, Imiss it so much.
(05:18):
Just that baby smell themsleeping.
All the time I had mypostpartum journeys with my kids
, everybody was different.
My first one, I had like aroutine with him and I think
that's why he's so.
I think that's why routine forhim today is so, like you know,
he's very particular about thatstuff.
(05:41):
Um, I had like a, I had like aroutine.
We did literally did the sameexact thing every single day.
My middle baby, that was theone that I had like a touch of
baby blues with, so I cried alot and he cries a lot.
He cries a lot my, my daughter,though I at the job that I
(06:01):
currently have, I ended up likeI was I wasn't't working full
time while I was pregnant withher, but I ended up getting
hired on full time before I hadher.
So I was able to get thematernity leave with her.
So I got I got 16 weeks withher and it was just the chillest
.
Like that was the time that Ifelt the most supported, just
like I didn't have to worryabout anything.
(06:23):
So it was like a very chill,easygoing maternity leave.
She's she's a little wildbecause she's three, but yeah, I
feel like my postpartumjourneys with each kid kind of
shaped their personalities, asto who they are today.
Yeah, and even in the midst ofall of that, I still am like
(06:43):
maybe one more might, might notkill me.
I have a friend now yeah, I havea friend now who has like a
five month old and I'm just like, oh you can see it did you
always, when you and yourhusband got together, did y'all
always think that three was yournumber.
Ebony Fleming (07:04):
Did you have a number?
Janiah Farmer (07:06):
Well, you know what's funny about that?
A month we started dating inhigh school.
We are high school sweethearts.
We started dating at 17.
A month into our relationship,we determined that we wanted
four kids and we had all theirnames picked out.
None of our kids are named that.
Today we had names picked outfor our kids a month into dating
.
Like I said, thankfully none ofour kids are named.
(07:28):
That because we were just, youknow, crazy wild, and love
teenagers yeah, but we said wewouldn't have four, we would
have two boys and we would havetwo girls.
Somewhere along the line we gotto three and it was just kind of
like it's a little chaoticright now, like we don't and my
husband is like well if we're,if we're better, you know, if
(07:48):
we're in a better financialsituation, you know, I wouldn't
mind having a fourth one, but Idon't think that's gonna happen
and for me I'm just yeah, for meI'm torn, but there's a,
there's a grieving stage thatI'm kind of going through
because I'm like, if Audreyreally is my last baby, that's
sad you know, Right, you have toprocess like you're.
(08:11):
you're at an end of an era,right?
So there's no more.
There's no more going throughthe pregnancy, there's no more
feeling, the kicks and the rolls, there's no more going through,
you know, labor and delivery,which I'm sure a lot of people
would be like, okay, I don'twant to go through that anymore.
And then there's like thatwhole, that whole bonding
(08:32):
experience with your new littleperson.
That you're, you know, you'rekind of foregoing when you get
to that stage.
And I think, for me personally,I'm kind of in between two
worlds where I'm like, yes, Ikind of want it, like I want
another baby.
But then I look at my three andI'm like, but you guys are
growing up and you guys arereaching, you know, stages,
different stages of independence, but independence nonetheless,
and I'm like, do I want to startover with that?
(08:53):
So it's a very, it's a verycomplicated yeah, the duality
yeah, exactly it's.
It's just it's it's kind of likea double-edged sword, because
it's like you miss.
You miss that of your womanhood, of you being able to create
and give life.
And then you're like, yeah,like I don't, why would I start
(09:15):
over?
Like everybody's growing up andwe're moving along and things
are happening, people are, youknow, everybody's progressing,
why would I start over?
But then there's that yearning,that longing to you know, to,
like I said, reclaim that partof our womanhood and be able to
create and give life, give birth, watch the incredible things
that our bodies can do.
Because, wow, oh yeah, let'stalk about it, let's get into it
(09:40):
.
You know, um, so yeah, it's,it's a very strange place to be
in and, um, you know, you got it.
You just have to, you know,make a decision.
Like what are you really gonnado?
But I haven't gotten to thatpart yet.
Ebony Fleming (09:53):
I'm still, I'm still on the fence about it.
Yeah, so yeah, because you'rein it.
I feel like this is a powerfulmoment for our listeners.
Do you have any advice for awoman who's like in your same
shoes?
Like she's like thinking, okay,maybe this amount of kids,
however many they have, isenough, but also maybe I could
(10:14):
do one more.
What would that look like, thatpossibility?
How are you in like yourday-to-day helping yourself
process, like those feelings?
Janiah Farmer (10:27):
your day-to-day helping yourself process like
those feelings.
Ebony Fleming (10:29):
So I think one of the things that kind of helps
is being around other babies.
Janiah Farmer (10:31):
Yeah, being around my being around my
friend's baby kind of helps alittle bit because you, you, you
get that.
You can still get like a whiffof that life like you're, like,
okay, this is what it feels liketo hold a baby again, while
also still having the choice tobe like okay, I can give this
kid back to their mom.
(10:52):
This is your baby, like I got my, I got my dose and I can leave
and be happy with that.
But I think, at the end of theday, it really is just a matter
of like just examining your life, like looking at the different
aspects of your life.
Can you actually pull this off?
Is it going to be?
Is it going to be feasible withwork with the kids that you
already have now?
Is your partner going to besupportive?
(11:12):
You know those type of things,um, and that's kind of what I am
going through right now myselflike thinking can I do?
Because I was when I was talkingto my husband about I was like
we would have to change like alot of things.
Like like, thankfully, thehouse that we're in now we would
be able to stay, but I'm likeI'd have we would have to get a
new car.
Like, yeah, you know, all thesethings are going to change.
(11:34):
Like how am I going to be ableto get you know once the once
the baby is born?
Like what is that going to dofor school, you know, and kind
of looking like with both, witheverybody's work, so not just
moms but dad's work like doesdad get a paternity leave?
Unfortunately, my husband doesnot get paternity leave.
Yeah, we didn't either, yeah, soyou know, those are the type of
(11:57):
things that you have to examinewhen you're thinking, okay,
could I, could I do one more,cause it is so much more than
just money.
You know, like, obviously, yeah, can I afford another kid?
But then you have to thinkabout what kind of mental and
emotional space that you'regoing to be in, because you know
, depending on the number ofkids, like that could kind of
make or break you.
You know, um, especially ifthey are all close in age, like
(12:21):
it's, it's like a wholePythagorean theorem level.
Ebony Fleming (12:25):
Yes, so many different personalities.
Janiah Farmer (12:28):
Right and so many varying factors that play into
it.
And if you and your partner cansit down and have that
conversation and say, okay, whatdoes this look like for us
realistically, you know, thenthat'll help you get to a
decision a little bit faster.
I think I don't know, becauseit can't just be a matter of, oh
(12:48):
, we'll just have another onework it out Like, no, no, if
you're in this particular mindspace where you're not sure,
then you have to.
You got to go through the wholedecision-making process.
Ebony Fleming (13:01):
Exactly, exactly.
So I want, so I want to swingback around because we're
talking about like a lot, likewe bring up the logical piece
right and I think a lot of us wethink of oh, my gosh, okay, I
have to get the new car, do wehave space in the house, how is
that going to look, withschedules and things.
But you brought up somethingthat's huge, a lot of people
don't think of.
(13:21):
Can I mentally handle this?
Because we talked about likepostpartum, right, how each,
every single baby that looksdifferent and even from my own
experience, it really does lookdifferent every single time.
Um, like you don't know how anew baby is going to exactly
your mindset, you have no idea.
(13:42):
Let's try to maybe support,support our listeners in a way
that, if they are thinking moretowards the yes, I definitely do
want to maybe have a lookanother, another little one.
Can you talk about some waysthat you were able to to support
yourself or reach out forsupport during, like the
(14:04):
postpartum days, knowing thatyou don't know what it's gonna
look like mentally?
Janiah Farmer (14:10):
So you mean like if I were to have another one,
or just kind of like the pastthree experiences, exactly like
saying you guys are like, yes,we're ready.
Ebony Fleming (14:17):
How can a mother who's in that same situation of
yes, we're ready to have anotherone, how can you, how would you
have, how would you preparementally for having another
little one?
Janiah Farmer (14:31):
so I think, given my, given my own experiences, I
think I have to be intentionalabout what self-care means to me
.
I think a lot of times we hearthe word self-care and we might
immediately think, oh, I got togo out and spend money, I got to
(14:52):
go get nails done, I got to goto the spa, I got to go out and
have a nice lunch.
And sometimes it really a lotof times it doesn't even require
that.
It is more so about thinking ofthe things that bring you joy,
bring you some sense of joy,some sense of peace.
That could be something assimple as going outside and
reading a book, sitting in thesun, letting that sun hit you,
(15:13):
feeling the warmth of it, can dothat for you.
You know, taking a few minutesto just, you know, be alone, be
in a space where you can bealone for just a few minutes.
You don't have to be gone forhours, you don't have to lock
yourself in the bathroom, youknow, whether that's reading
(15:33):
your Bible or doing some form ofmeditation, or talking to
people who are going to supportand uplift you and feed you the
things that you need to be fed,like in your soul.
Um, I think it's importantbecause, while I had a different
experience with each kidpostpartum wise, I one thing
(15:54):
remained consistent is that Igot caught up in the world of
postpartum and it was it waslike to the point where I wasn't
aware of anything else that wasgoing around, because you're
going.
It's a bubble yeah, you're in alike a very isolated bubble and
the only person or people inthat bubble is you and that baby
.
Nobody else is in that bubble.
(16:15):
So, and going through the thevarious changes of you know,
you're going through sleepdeprivation, you're, you know,
if you're nurse, I nursed allthree of.
So there was the breastfeedingthing that I went through and
just you know, trying to feellike a normal person.
I would establish those typesof things early on, because the
(16:35):
more that you, if you establishit early on and you practice it
regularly, when that baby comesyou might get knocked off of
that routine for a little while.
But you're gonna, you're gonnawant to keep going because it's
what, it's what feels natural toyou.
You've been doing it for awhile.
Same thing, very similar tolike exercise, like if you've
been exercising like a certainway before pregnancy, while
(16:56):
you're pregnant, you can stilldo that same thing, same exact
thing, and you can carry that oninto your postpartum journey.
Because what, what I want momsto know, like I want them to be
self-aware and intentional aboutit, because I want what I want,
(17:17):
because I didn't have this atthe time, like to know if
something feels off, you knowyou can pivot and make the
necessary corrections.
I didn't realize what I wasgoing through after I had my
second baby.
I didn't understand why I wascrying all the time.
I thought that it was justbecause I didn't know.
I didn't, I didn't think I wasgoing to be able to properly
(17:39):
juggle being the mom of atwo-year-old and a newborn, and
so I just felt like how am Igoing to be able to give
everybody the necessaryattention that they need?
And I cried constantly.
And it wasn't until my dad cameto visit me one day and I didn't
even say anything to him.
He came in the door, sat downon the couch, looked me dead in
my face and said what's wrong.
And I just broke down.
I was like, daddy, I don't know.
I don't know what's wrong.
(18:00):
And he was like you gotta, wegotta figure this out.
If you need to talk to somebody, you go talk to somebody.
We gotta figure that out.
I love that.
He asked me.
He was like what can I do tobetter support you?
And I said you know what youbeing here helps so much more
than I think you will everunderstand.
And that man visited me everysingle Sunday for like months
(18:23):
while I was, while after I hadmy second baby.
So surrounding yourself withthe people that are going to be
that level of support for youenough to look at you and see
that something is not quiteright and be like what do you
need from me?
you know, because I think that'sanother thing that we get
caught up in as moms, like wehave these babies.
People come to visit who dothey immediately flock to?
Ebony Fleming (18:46):
oh yeah.
How's the baby?
Hello yeah, like I wasn't justcarrying them exactly.
Janiah Farmer (18:52):
They walk through the door even when they call
you on the phone yeah let me seethe baby, it's like well, I'm
here, I'm I'm not here, you know, but having those people that
will support you in that waywhere you know, yes, they will
give the baby attention, butthey will also look at you and
be like, what do you need?
(19:12):
Do you need something?
Are you okay, right, right,because, yeah, we're going
through.
You know, the mom is goingthrough some stuff too.
So having that, I think, is soimportant, but, more than
anything, really just kind ofestablishing, establishing that
self-care very early on, whatmakes you happy.
You don't have to go to Sephora, though.
That is helpful.
(19:32):
You can do that sometimes, notsaying that you can't, um, yeah,
but just even finding joy inthe little things.
Um, I, I, I have a cricketmachine.
I used to cry, just makingrandom, random stuff.
I sing, I love to sing, so youknow, just things like that that
make you feel like, okay, I'mgonna be fine like, yeah, it's
gonna be, I'm gonna be okay,right, yeah, I I I have to
(19:55):
steady myself and stabilizemyself at this moment, but after
I do this thing I'm gonna befine, you know, yeah, and I
think that's that's superimportant, no matter how many
kids you have, but especially ifyou have more than one, more
than one yeah, very, veryimportant for you to, for you to
implement that, like asap, likethe second.
You see them two lines on thatpregnancy test.
Ebony Fleming (20:18):
Yeah, start figuring it out.
Janiah Farmer (20:20):
Let me get my mindset together today, right
now.
Ebony Fleming (20:25):
Yes, I love it.
Okay, so I want to end on yousharing just some words of
encouragement, which you'vealready done.
Janiah Farmer (20:34):
Our listeners are going to be like yes, girl, I'm
there with you.
Ebony Fleming (20:38):
I'm, I'm.
You know somebody's out therelike I need to figure out what
self-care looks like for me, butdo you have any words of
encouragement that you wouldgive the mom that's in the very
thick in the trenches right nowwith baby blues or that is just
struggling on the opposite endof saying you know what?
I can't handle this mentallyand they're about to close, like
(21:01):
that, that baby chapter ofbringing life into the world?
Janiah Farmer (21:05):
I think, at the end of the day, for those who
are going, for the moms that arestruggling, you might be in the
thick of it with the postpartum.
You might be experiencing thebaby blues.
The one thing that I, I I wantto literally if I could scream
this out loud do not be silentabout it.
Don't be silent about it.
If you feel some kind of way,reach out.
(21:27):
I understand the stigma aroundit and I understand that.
If you because I went throughthe same exact thing with my
second baby I felt like if I hadcalled because you know there
were some people that's like oh,you need to talk to your doctor
, call your OBG, and and I and Iwas afraid in that moment to do
that, because I felt like themoment I said I'm sad and I'm
crying all the time, that Iwould get slapped with like an
(21:49):
immediate postpartum depressiondiagnosis.
And that they would immediatelyassume that I want to hurt
myself or my kid, which was sonot the case either way.
I just emotionally could notcontain what was happening to me
.
So don't be afraid to reach out.
You know your body and yourmind better than anybody else on
this planet.
So if you are feeling something, whether that be an
(22:12):
overwhelming sadness, if youfeel some sort of rage or
anything like that, and you'relashing out at the wrong people
not the baby, but you know yourspouse you're just taking it out
on the wrong people Definitelyfeel free to reach out.
You can reach out to your OB.
You can reach out to a friend,a family member, somebody that
you feel like is going to giveyou the support that you need.
But whatever you do, no matterwhat you can even you can even
(22:34):
word vomit to a stranger on thestreet, whatever it is do not
stay silent about it do not staysilent about it, because the
more you stay silent about it,the the darker it's going to get
.
And yeah, you don't want thattrust me.
Ebony Fleming (22:47):
You don't want that.
Janiah Farmer (22:48):
It's a very dark place to be in, even though mine
was very temporary.
It was the darkest place I hadever been in my life and I never
want to go back to that againand I thank God every day for my
dad being that person, thatlifeline for me, and that is
something that I want the momsthat are experiencing that to do
, like reach out to a lifeline,have somebody, even if you, you
(23:09):
know, join like a little mommygroup or or, or somebody, or if
you're a person that writes, youknow, write it, write it, write
it down, or or just have somesort of outlet to express that,
um, anything to not be silent,that's the, that's the, that's
the big picture at the end ofthe day, um, I think for my moms
that are, that are in the sameboat as me, where they're like
(23:31):
you're closing that chapter.
It's helpful to kind of think ofthe things that you know what,
what's going to come of this,like, no, you're not going to
have any more babies, okay, yeah, that's, that's done.
But what else do you have tolook forward to?
You know you, you get to watchyour other kids grow and blossom
(23:53):
.
You get to take this time torediscover you as a, as a person
, not as a mommy, not as a wife,but as an individual.
What makes me happy?
What do I like to do?
What are my interests?
What are my hobbies?
My husband and I, we've beendoing this thing, not
necessarily called date nights,but I like to call them date
trips, where we will literallytake our kids to my mom's we
(24:14):
will hop on a plane and we willleave for 48 hours and we will
come right back.
I love seeing that too, yes, sothat has been something that we
have like.
As our kids are growing up andwe're realizing okay, it's more
so, leaning on this, okay, weprobably won't have another baby
um, we're rediscoveringourselves, rediscovering each
(24:34):
other, you know, re-exploringour relationship and our
marriage, because the one thingyou don't want is your kids to
grow up, they move out of thehouse, and then you're looking
at your spouse like, ok, well,who are you?
Ebony Fleming (24:45):
Because I didn't really know you while our kids
were growing up.
Yeah, you didn't take the timeto keep learning each other.
Janiah Farmer (24:52):
Right, right, because it's a continuous
process as well as learningyourself.
So kind of thinking of it thatway, like yeah, it's a
bittersweet phase, um, but Ithink knowing that you have this
opportunity to kind ofrediscover yourself and and and
find new freedoms in this spaceis very helpful when you're kind
of combating that sadness, um.
(25:13):
So, yeah, yeah, that that's,that's my two cents on the
matter.
Ebony Fleming (25:17):
Yes, thank you.
Oh, and I know our listenersare just yeah, I know a lot of
them are like yes, thank you,just for just for being here,
just for being a light and beingvulnerable and honest.
This, yeah, this is going tohelp so many mamas out there.
I know.
Janiah Farmer (25:33):
I'm so glad going to help so many mamas out there
.
I know I'm so glad, I'm sohappy I I definitely being
through this has made me want todo nothing more than just kind
of pay it forward to the othermoms out there and, let you know
, give them the give them thethings that I didn't necessarily
have at that time.
So I'm very happy to be able todo that.
Ebony Fleming (25:54):
Thank you so much .
Well, where can our listenersconnect with you if they want to
continue just watching yourjourney, or if they feel
comfortable reaching out to youand saying like hey, I really
resonated with something thatyou said.
Where can they find you so?
Janiah Farmer (26:12):
I am on Instagram .
It is Janiah J-A-N-I-A-Hunderscore farmer underscore.
I'm on Facebook, too, under thesame Janiah Farmer, but
Instagram is probably the bestthing to get on.
Ebony Fleming (26:28):
Yes, awesome, I'll make sure I link that in
the show notes too, so they canjust pop on in All right.
Thank you so much.
Janiah Farmer (26:36):
This was so much fun, fun.
Ebony Fleming (26:37):
I appreciate you for having me thank you so much
for listening love.
If anything in today's episoderesonated with you, share it
with your bestie or share it onsocial media and tag me so we
can chat about it, as always,sending you light and love, and
remember you are, you are worthy, you are enough and you deserve
(26:58):
to thrive.
Hey, love, I'm Ebony and welcome to Thrive Like
a Mother On this podcast.
We're scared for our truth, butthat fear is what fuels us to
truly live in it.
You're in the right place ifyou feel like you're stuck in
survivor mode and you're readyto step into who you were truly
(00:20):
meant to be.
I'll share resources and toolsI use daily to help you in your
journey towards a healthiermindset and to break the wheel
of survival.
The journey may not be easy,but you won't have to face it
alone.
I'm a mama of three, healingday by day from past trauma, and
I'm on a mission to build alife I've always dreamed of but
(00:42):
never thought was possible.
So, love, if you're ready tobelieve in what's possible,
let's link arms and thrivetogether.
So first of all, janiyah, thankyou for literally taking the
time out of your busy day.
Janiah Farmer (01:00):
I know we're both full-time workers.
Ebony Fleming (01:02):
Thank you for taking the busy time, the time
out of your day, really to justchat with me and share your
story with our listeners.
I think it's important, asmothers, to really know that
we're not alone in what we'refeeling, and so, when we connect
a lot of the times, and when wewere recently chatting, I
realized that, you know, theconversation that we were having
(01:23):
was something that, like, wedon't hear often enough and we
need to, like we need to talkabout it.
We need to, like I said, knowthat we're not alone.
So I'm going to jump right inand I just want you to share a
little bit about yourself andyour, just your motherhood
journey.
We'll start there.
So I have I got three littlittles.
Janiah Farmer (01:44):
They are affectionately referred to as as
the littles um, big little,middle little and little little.
It's just the term I actuallytook from a friend who calls her
three kids the same thing um.
So I have a seven-year-oldMaddox, I have a um
five-year-old Leo, and then Ihave a three-year-old Audrey, um
, and so yeah, I've I've been inthe game for less than 10 years
(02:07):
.
Every day is a is a big learningcurve.
Um, still, seven years afterbeing a mom for seven years, of
course, like, still don't feellike I completely have my
footing.
Um, and not really sure I everwill.
Like I, every day is a learningcurve.
Um, on top of that, I do workfull-time.
I work from home.
Um, I am also in school gettingmy second master's degree.
Ebony Fleming (02:31):
I know stupid why would you do that?
No girl, me too, not me too.
But I can relate because I didthe same.
I did the same thing.
Janiah Farmer (02:39):
I'm like, why did I do this again?
Like, okay, you know, trying tosee the bigger picture at the
end of the tunnel, you know, ontop of that, trying to, you know
, balance kids, work, marriageI've been married.
This month will make 10 yearsthat I've been married.
Ebony Fleming (02:54):
Congrats, thank you.
Janiah Farmer (02:57):
So, yeah, juggling all the things you know
, and and and and, in mymotherhood journey I have been,
it's been a challenge, you know,trying to raise these little
people who are going toeventually become adults, raise
them and guide them in the waythat you believe that they
should go, while also stilltrying to maintain some sort of
(03:19):
autonomy within yourself.
You know, like, you have thesekids that are depending on you
and this house is depending onyou.
You know, if you have a spouse,a partner, that's depending on
you, and then in the midst ofthat, you're like, okay, well,
where do I fit myself into thepicture?
And so I think, for moms it's,it's so common for us to just
put ourselves on the back burner, um, and that's worse, yeah, at
(03:46):
the very end of the list.
And that's where, you know,self-care kind of takes a toll.
You know kind of dips.
You know, trying to rediscoverwhat interests you Like people
will ask me like, oh, what doyou like to do for fun?
And I can't tell them because Idon't remember, um, or I
haven't really taken the time torediscover that part of myself
since having kids because theyhave taken, you know, center
stage.
And then one of the things thatled to our conversation that we
(04:11):
had was do I want another baby?
And I feel like she wentthrough infancy and just
babyhood in just such a quickway, like faster than my sons
(04:34):
did.
I found myself kind of like oh,I miss having a baby.
You know like, despite themrunning around, being loud,
acting a complete, just uttermess, and you know you have a
lot of days where you want totear your hair out.
But then you look at them andyou're like you guys are getting
big like really quickly and Imiss having that little tiny,
like literally this is about asbig as they will be and you're
(04:58):
just like oh, and it's so fastyeah, and it goes by so fast and
, unfortunately for me, myfavorite stage is that newborn
stage, so I get like six weeksof just like oh, the snuggles,
the stretch.
The scrunch is oh my gosh, Imiss it so much.
(05:18):
Just that baby smell themsleeping.
All the time I had mypostpartum journeys with my kids
, everybody was different.
My first one, I had like aroutine with him and I think
that's why he's so.
I think that's why routine forhim today is so, like you know,
he's very particular about thatstuff.
(05:41):
Um, I had like a, I had like aroutine.
We did literally did the sameexact thing every single day.
My middle baby, that was theone that I had like a touch of
baby blues with, so I cried alot and he cries a lot.
He cries a lot my, my daughter,though I at the job that I
(06:01):
currently have, I ended up likeI was I wasn't't working full
time while I was pregnant withher, but I ended up getting
hired on full time before I hadher.
So I was able to get thematernity leave with her.
So I got I got 16 weeks withher and it was just the chillest
.
Like that was the time that Ifelt the most supported, just
like I didn't have to worryabout anything.
(06:23):
So it was like a very chill,easygoing maternity leave.
She's she's a little wildbecause she's three, but yeah, I
feel like my postpartumjourneys with each kid kind of
shaped their personalities, asto who they are today.
Yeah, and even in the midst ofall of that, I still am like
(06:43):
maybe one more might, might notkill me.
I have a friend now yeah, I havea friend now who has like a
five month old and I'm just like, oh you can see it did you
always, when you and yourhusband got together, did y'all
always think that three was yournumber.
Ebony Fleming (07:04):
Did you have a number?
Janiah Farmer (07:06):
Well, you know what's funny about that?
A month we started dating inhigh school.
We are high school sweethearts.
We started dating at 17.
A month into our relationship,we determined that we wanted
four kids and we had all theirnames picked out.
None of our kids are named that.
Today we had names picked outfor our kids a month into dating
.
Like I said, thankfully none ofour kids are named.
(07:28):
That because we were just, youknow, crazy wild, and love
teenagers yeah, but we said wewouldn't have four, we would
have two boys and we would havetwo girls.
Somewhere along the line we gotto three and it was just kind of
like it's a little chaoticright now, like we don't and my
husband is like well if we're,if we're better, you know, if
(07:48):
we're in a better financialsituation, you know, I wouldn't
mind having a fourth one, but Idon't think that's gonna happen
and for me I'm just yeah, for meI'm torn, but there's a,
there's a grieving stage thatI'm kind of going through
because I'm like, if Audreyreally is my last baby, that's
sad you know, Right, you have toprocess like you're.
(08:11):
you're at an end of an era,right?
So there's no more.
There's no more going throughthe pregnancy, there's no more
feeling, the kicks and the rolls, there's no more going through,
you know, labor and delivery,which I'm sure a lot of people
would be like, okay, I don'twant to go through that anymore.
And then there's like thatwhole, that whole bonding
(08:32):
experience with your new littleperson.
That you're, you know, you'rekind of foregoing when you get
to that stage.
And I think, for me personally,I'm kind of in between two
worlds where I'm like, yes, Ikind of want it, like I want
another baby.
But then I look at my three andI'm like, but you guys are
growing up and you guys arereaching, you know, stages,
different stages of independence, but independence nonetheless,
and I'm like, do I want to startover with that?
(08:53):
So it's a very, it's a verycomplicated yeah, the duality
yeah, exactly it's.
It's just it's it's kind of likea double-edged sword, because
it's like you miss.
You miss that of your womanhood, of you being able to create
and give life.
And then you're like, yeah,like I don't, why would I start
(09:15):
over?
Like everybody's growing up andwe're moving along and things
are happening, people are, youknow, everybody's progressing,
why would I start over?
But then there's that yearning,that longing to you know, to,
like I said, reclaim that partof our womanhood and be able to
create and give life, give birth, watch the incredible things
that our bodies can do.
Because, wow, oh yeah, let'stalk about it, let's get into it
(09:40):
.
You know, um, so yeah, it's,it's a very strange place to be
in and, um, you know, you got it.
You just have to, you know,make a decision.
Like what are you really gonnado?
But I haven't gotten to thatpart yet.
Ebony Fleming (09:53):
I'm still, I'm still on the fence about it.
Yeah, so yeah, because you'rein it.
I feel like this is a powerfulmoment for our listeners.
Do you have any advice for awoman who's like in your same
shoes?
Like she's like thinking, okay,maybe this amount of kids,
however many they have, isenough, but also maybe I could
(10:14):
do one more.
What would that look like, thatpossibility?
How are you in like yourday-to-day helping yourself
process, like those feelings?
Janiah Farmer (10:27):
your day-to-day helping yourself process like
those feelings.
Ebony Fleming (10:29):
So I think one of the things that kind of helps
is being around other babies.
Janiah Farmer (10:31):
Yeah, being around my being around my
friend's baby kind of helps alittle bit because you, you, you
get that.
You can still get like a whiffof that life like you're, like,
okay, this is what it feels liketo hold a baby again, while
also still having the choice tobe like okay, I can give this
kid back to their mom.
(10:52):
This is your baby, like I got my, I got my dose and I can leave
and be happy with that.
But I think, at the end of theday, it really is just a matter
of like just examining your life, like looking at the different
aspects of your life.
Can you actually pull this off?
Is it going to be?
Is it going to be feasible withwork with the kids that you
already have now?
Is your partner going to besupportive?
(11:12):
You know those type of things,um, and that's kind of what I am
going through right now myselflike thinking can I do?
Because I was when I was talkingto my husband about I was like
we would have to change like alot of things.
Like like, thankfully, thehouse that we're in now we would
be able to stay, but I'm likeI'd have we would have to get a
new car.
Like, yeah, you know, all thesethings are going to change.
(11:34):
Like how am I going to be ableto get you know once the once
the baby is born?
Like what is that going to dofor school, you know, and kind
of looking like with both, witheverybody's work, so not just
moms but dad's work like doesdad get a paternity leave?
Unfortunately, my husband doesnot get paternity leave.
Yeah, we didn't either, yeah, soyou know, those are the type of
(11:57):
things that you have to examinewhen you're thinking, okay,
could I, could I do one more,cause it is so much more than
just money.
You know, like, obviously, yeah, can I afford another kid?
But then you have to thinkabout what kind of mental and
emotional space that you'regoing to be in, because you know
, depending on the number ofkids, like that could kind of
make or break you.
You know, um, especially ifthey are all close in age, like
(12:21):
it's, it's like a wholePythagorean theorem level.
Ebony Fleming (12:25):
Yes, so many different personalities.
Janiah Farmer (12:28):
Right and so many varying factors that play into
it.
And if you and your partner cansit down and have that
conversation and say, okay, whatdoes this look like for us
realistically, you know, thenthat'll help you get to a
decision a little bit faster.
I think I don't know, becauseit can't just be a matter of, oh
(12:48):
, we'll just have another onework it out Like, no, no, if
you're in this particular mindspace where you're not sure,
then you have to.
You got to go through the wholedecision-making process.
Ebony Fleming (13:01):
Exactly, exactly.
So I want, so I want to swingback around because we're
talking about like a lot, likewe bring up the logical piece
right and I think a lot of us wethink of oh, my gosh, okay, I
have to get the new car, do wehave space in the house, how is
that going to look, withschedules and things.
But you brought up somethingthat's huge, a lot of people
don't think of.
(13:21):
Can I mentally handle this?
Because we talked about likepostpartum, right, how each,
every single baby that looksdifferent and even from my own
experience, it really does lookdifferent every single time.
Um, like you don't know how anew baby is going to exactly
your mindset, you have no idea.
(13:42):
Let's try to maybe support,support our listeners in a way
that, if they are thinking moretowards the yes, I definitely do
want to maybe have a lookanother, another little one.
Can you talk about some waysthat you were able to to support
yourself or reach out forsupport during, like the
(14:04):
postpartum days, knowing thatyou don't know what it's gonna
look like mentally?
Janiah Farmer (14:10):
So you mean like if I were to have another one,
or just kind of like the pastthree experiences, exactly like
saying you guys are like, yes,we're ready.
Ebony Fleming (14:17):
How can a mother who's in that same situation of
yes, we're ready to have anotherone, how can you, how would you
have, how would you preparementally for having another
little one?
Janiah Farmer (14:31):
so I think, given my, given my own experiences, I
think I have to be intentionalabout what self-care means to me
.
I think a lot of times we hearthe word self-care and we might
immediately think, oh, I got togo out and spend money, I got to
(14:52):
go get nails done, I got to goto the spa, I got to go out and
have a nice lunch.
And sometimes it really a lotof times it doesn't even require
that.
It is more so about thinking ofthe things that bring you joy,
bring you some sense of joy,some sense of peace.
That could be something assimple as going outside and
reading a book, sitting in thesun, letting that sun hit you,
(15:13):
feeling the warmth of it, can dothat for you.
You know, taking a few minutesto just, you know, be alone, be
in a space where you can bealone for just a few minutes.
You don't have to be gone forhours, you don't have to lock
yourself in the bathroom, youknow, whether that's reading
(15:33):
your Bible or doing some form ofmeditation, or talking to
people who are going to supportand uplift you and feed you the
things that you need to be fed,like in your soul.
Um, I think it's importantbecause, while I had a different
experience with each kidpostpartum wise, I one thing
(15:54):
remained consistent is that Igot caught up in the world of
postpartum and it was it waslike to the point where I wasn't
aware of anything else that wasgoing around, because you're
going.
It's a bubble yeah, you're in alike a very isolated bubble and
the only person or people inthat bubble is you and that baby
.
Nobody else is in that bubble.
(16:15):
So, and going through the thevarious changes of you know,
you're going through sleepdeprivation, you're, you know,
if you're nurse, I nursed allthree of.
So there was the breastfeedingthing that I went through and
just you know, trying to feellike a normal person.
I would establish those typesof things early on, because the
(16:35):
more that you, if you establishit early on and you practice it
regularly, when that baby comesyou might get knocked off of
that routine for a little while.
But you're gonna, you're gonnawant to keep going because it's
what, it's what feels natural toyou.
You've been doing it for awhile.
Same thing, very similar tolike exercise, like if you've
been exercising like a certainway before pregnancy, while
(16:56):
you're pregnant, you can stilldo that same thing, same exact
thing, and you can carry that oninto your postpartum journey.
Because what, what I want momsto know, like I want them to be
self-aware and intentional aboutit, because I want what I want,
(17:17):
because I didn't have this atthe time, like to know if
something feels off, you knowyou can pivot and make the
necessary corrections.
I didn't realize what I wasgoing through after I had my
second baby.
I didn't understand why I wascrying all the time.
I thought that it was justbecause I didn't know.
I didn't, I didn't think I wasgoing to be able to properly
(17:39):
juggle being the mom of atwo-year-old and a newborn, and
so I just felt like how am Igoing to be able to give
everybody the necessaryattention that they need?
And I cried constantly.
And it wasn't until my dad cameto visit me one day and I didn't
even say anything to him.
He came in the door, sat downon the couch, looked me dead in
my face and said what's wrong.
And I just broke down.
I was like, daddy, I don't know.
I don't know what's wrong.
(18:00):
And he was like you gotta, wegotta figure this out.
If you need to talk to somebody, you go talk to somebody.
We gotta figure that out.
I love that.
He asked me.
He was like what can I do tobetter support you?
And I said you know what youbeing here helps so much more
than I think you will everunderstand.
And that man visited me everysingle Sunday for like months
(18:23):
while I was, while after I hadmy second baby.
So surrounding yourself withthe people that are going to be
that level of support for youenough to look at you and see
that something is not quiteright and be like what do you
need from me?
you know, because I think that'sanother thing that we get
caught up in as moms, like wehave these babies.
People come to visit who dothey immediately flock to?
Ebony Fleming (18:46):
oh yeah.
How's the baby?
Hello yeah, like I wasn't justcarrying them exactly.
Janiah Farmer (18:52):
They walk through the door even when they call
you on the phone yeah let me seethe baby, it's like well, I'm
here, I'm I'm not here, you know, but having those people that
will support you in that waywhere you know, yes, they will
give the baby attention, butthey will also look at you and
be like, what do you need?
(19:12):
Do you need something?
Are you okay, right, right,because, yeah, we're going
through.
You know, the mom is goingthrough some stuff too.
So having that, I think, is soimportant, but, more than
anything, really just kind ofestablishing, establishing that
self-care very early on, whatmakes you happy.
You don't have to go to Sephora, though.
That is helpful.
(19:32):
You can do that sometimes, notsaying that you can't, um, yeah,
but just even finding joy inthe little things.
Um, I, I, I have a cricketmachine.
I used to cry, just makingrandom, random stuff.
I sing, I love to sing, so youknow, just things like that that
make you feel like, okay, I'mgonna be fine like, yeah, it's
gonna be, I'm gonna be okay,right, yeah, I I I have to
(19:55):
steady myself and stabilizemyself at this moment, but after
I do this thing I'm gonna befine, you know, yeah, and I
think that's that's superimportant, no matter how many
kids you have, but especially ifyou have more than one, more
than one yeah, very, veryimportant for you to, for you to
implement that, like asap, likethe second.
You see them two lines on thatpregnancy test.
Ebony Fleming (20:18):
Yeah, start figuring it out.
Janiah Farmer (20:20):
Let me get my mindset together today, right
now.
Ebony Fleming (20:25):
Yes, I love it.
Okay, so I want to end on yousharing just some words of
encouragement, which you'vealready done.
Janiah Farmer (20:34):
Our listeners are going to be like yes, girl, I'm
there with you.
Ebony Fleming (20:38):
I'm, I'm.
You know somebody's out therelike I need to figure out what
self-care looks like for me, butdo you have any words of
encouragement that you wouldgive the mom that's in the very
thick in the trenches right nowwith baby blues or that is just
struggling on the opposite endof saying you know what?
I can't handle this mentallyand they're about to close, like
(21:01):
that, that baby chapter ofbringing life into the world?
Janiah Farmer (21:05):
I think, at the end of the day, for those who
are going, for the moms that arestruggling, you might be in the
thick of it with the postpartum.
You might be experiencing thebaby blues.
The one thing that I, I I wantto literally if I could scream
this out loud do not be silentabout it.
Don't be silent about it.
If you feel some kind of way,reach out.
(21:27):
I understand the stigma aroundit and I understand that.
If you because I went throughthe same exact thing with my
second baby I felt like if I hadcalled because you know there
were some people that's like oh,you need to talk to your doctor
, call your OBG, and and I and Iwas afraid in that moment to do
that, because I felt like themoment I said I'm sad and I'm
crying all the time, that Iwould get slapped with like an
(21:49):
immediate postpartum depressiondiagnosis.
And that they would immediatelyassume that I want to hurt
myself or my kid, which was sonot the case either way.
I just emotionally could notcontain what was happening to me
.
So don't be afraid to reach out.
You know your body and yourmind better than anybody else on
this planet.
So if you are feeling something, whether that be an
(22:12):
overwhelming sadness, if youfeel some sort of rage or
anything like that, and you'relashing out at the wrong people
not the baby, but you know yourspouse you're just taking it out
on the wrong people Definitelyfeel free to reach out.
You can reach out to your OB.
You can reach out to a friend,a family member, somebody that
you feel like is going to giveyou the support that you need.
But whatever you do, no matterwhat you can even you can even
(22:34):
word vomit to a stranger on thestreet, whatever it is do not
stay silent about it do not staysilent about it, because the
more you stay silent about it,the the darker it's going to get
.
And yeah, you don't want thattrust me.
Ebony Fleming (22:47):
You don't want that.
Janiah Farmer (22:48):
It's a very dark place to be in, even though mine
was very temporary.
It was the darkest place I hadever been in my life and I never
want to go back to that againand I thank God every day for my
dad being that person, thatlifeline for me, and that is
something that I want the momsthat are experiencing that to do
, like reach out to a lifeline,have somebody, even if you, you
(23:09):
know, join like a little mommygroup or or, or somebody, or if
you're a person that writes, youknow, write it, write it, write
it down, or or just have somesort of outlet to express that,
um, anything to not be silent,that's the, that's the, that's
the big picture at the end ofthe day, um, I think for my moms
that are, that are in the sameboat as me, where they're like
(23:31):
you're closing that chapter.
It's helpful to kind of think ofthe things that you know what,
what's going to come of this,like, no, you're not going to
have any more babies, okay, yeah, that's, that's done.
But what else do you have tolook forward to?
You know you, you get to watchyour other kids grow and blossom
(23:53):
.
You get to take this time torediscover you as a, as a person
, not as a mommy, not as a wife,but as an individual.
What makes me happy?
What do I like to do?
What are my interests?
What are my hobbies?
My husband and I, we've beendoing this thing, not
necessarily called date nights,but I like to call them date
trips, where we will literallytake our kids to my mom's we
(24:14):
will hop on a plane and we willleave for 48 hours and we will
come right back.
I love seeing that too, yes, sothat has been something that we
have like.
As our kids are growing up andwe're realizing okay, it's more
so, leaning on this, okay, weprobably won't have another baby
um, we're rediscoveringourselves, rediscovering each
(24:34):
other, you know, re-exploringour relationship and our
marriage, because the one thingyou don't want is your kids to
grow up, they move out of thehouse, and then you're looking
at your spouse like, ok, well,who are you?
Ebony Fleming (24:45):
Because I didn't really know you while our kids
were growing up.
Yeah, you didn't take the timeto keep learning each other.
Janiah Farmer (24:52):
Right, right, because it's a continuous
process as well as learningyourself.
So kind of thinking of it thatway, like yeah, it's a
bittersweet phase, um, but Ithink knowing that you have this
opportunity to kind ofrediscover yourself and and and
find new freedoms in this spaceis very helpful when you're kind
of combating that sadness, um.
(25:13):
So, yeah, yeah, that that's,that's my two cents on the
matter.
Ebony Fleming (25:17):
Yes, thank you.
Oh, and I know our listenersare just yeah, I know a lot of
them are like yes, thank you,just for just for being here,
just for being a light and beingvulnerable and honest.
This, yeah, this is going tohelp so many mamas out there.
I know.
Janiah Farmer (25:33):
I'm so glad going to help so many mamas out there
.
I know I'm so glad, I'm sohappy I I definitely being
through this has made me want todo nothing more than just kind
of pay it forward to the othermoms out there and, let you know
, give them the give them thethings that I didn't necessarily
have at that time.
So I'm very happy to be able todo that.
Ebony Fleming (25:54):
Thank you so much .
Well, where can our listenersconnect with you if they want to
continue just watching yourjourney, or if they feel
comfortable reaching out to youand saying like hey, I really
resonated with something thatyou said.
Where can they find you so?
Janiah Farmer (26:12):
I am on Instagram .
It is Janiah J-A-N-I-A-Hunderscore farmer underscore.
I'm on Facebook, too, under thesame Janiah Farmer, but
Instagram is probably the bestthing to get on.
Ebony Fleming (26:28):
Yes, awesome, I'll make sure I link that in
the show notes too, so they canjust pop on in All right.
Thank you so much.
Janiah Farmer (26:36):
This was so much fun, fun.
Ebony Fleming (26:37):
I appreciate you for having me thank you so much
for listening love.
If anything in today's episoderesonated with you, share it
with your bestie or share it onsocial media and tag me so we
can chat about it, as always,sending you light and love, and
remember you are, you are worthy, you are enough and you deserve
(26:58):
to thrive.
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