March 4, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode of Thrive Like a Mother, I chat with phenomenal author Diandra F. Wing, whose journey of resilience and remembrance is both heartbreaking and deeply inspiring. After suddenly losing her Aunt Shawn and beloved mother, Sandra, Diandra could have been consumed by grief. Instead, she found unexpected comfort in the appearance of a striking red bird during pivotal moments, offering a connection to the women she loved and lost.
We dive into her book, Red Bird, and explore how family, journaling, and being offered help can shape our healing. Diandra shares the profound pain of loss, the unique experience of navigating grief as a black woman, and how she learned to trust the signs from loved ones beyond this world.
Tune in as we discuss:
✨ How Diandra’s mother and aunt shaped her life and identity
✨ Recognizing and trusting signs from lost loved ones
✨ The challenges of grieving as a black woman
✨ How to support yourself and others through loss
If you’ve ever wondered whether your loved ones send messages from beyond, or if you’re looking for someone to speak life into your healing journey, this episode is for you.
🔗 Connect with Diandra:
- Instagram: diandrafordwing
- LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/diandrafordwing
- Books.by: books.by/diandra-ford-wing
📖 Purchase Red Bird here:
Thank you so much for listening in! If anything in this episode resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with a friend or on social media.
And don't forget to tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me get the word out.
Follow and chat with me on Instagram:
Podcast account - @thrivelikeamother.podcast
Personal account - @thrive.empowered
Sending you light and love always!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ebony Fleming (00:00):
Hey love, I'm Ebony and welcome to Thrive Like
a Mother.
On this podcast, we're scaredfor our truth, but that fear is
what fuels us to truly live init.
You're in the right place ifyou feel like you're stuck in
survivor mode and you're readyto step into who you were truly
(00:20):
meant to be.
I'll share resources and toolsI use daily to help you in your
journey towards a healthiermindset and to break the wheel
of survival.
The journey may not be easy,but you won't have to face it
alone.
I'm a mama of three, healingday by day from past trauma, and
I'm on a mission to build alife I've always dreamed of but
(00:42):
never thought was possible.
So, love, if you're ready tobelieve in what's possible,
let's link arms and thrivetogether.
Hey, loves, I'm starting thisepisode with a warning that the
upcoming discussion is going tobe a sensitive topic On the
(01:04):
Thrive Like a Mother podcast.
I never want to do any harm,and I'd rather make sure that my
number one priority is keepingin account your mental
well-being.
That's what's most important tome.
So the upcoming topic might bea little bit triggering for some
of you, and so I want to letyou know if you need to pause
(01:27):
the episode if it gets too heavy, feel free to do that.
Or if you need to leave theepisode and come back at a later
time, please do that.
Of course, I want you to betaken care of first.
So before we get into theepisode, let's just take a
collective deep breath and let'sget started.
(01:51):
Loves, welcome to anotherepisode of the Thrive Like a
Mother podcast, and I'm soexcited today because we have a
very special guest on with us.
Her name is D'Andra F Wing andshe is the phenomenal author ofa
book called Redbird.
Her memoir is powerful in theway that she explores love,
(02:15):
unexpected loss and in the waysthat the universe and our loved
ones speak to us and send ussigns of hope in the midst of
our grief, and so I hope, myhope for today's episode is that
it reaches whoever it needs toat the exact timing that it
(02:35):
needs to, and I hope that itshows you that there is always
hope and light, even in ourdarkest moments.
So, without further ado, let'sjump right in.
Deandra, I am so honored tohave you on the podcast today.
(02:55):
We literally met yesterday yes,yesterday and I knew instantly,
the first time meeting you, thatyour story was one, really,
that my listeners need to hear.
But also just our community,yeah, especially the Black
community, because the thingsthat you talk about in your book
, the things that you share,it's often something that we
(03:18):
don't communicate in ourcommunity about, yeah, and so
when we got off our callyesterday, I mainly went.
I went and I bought the bookand started reading.
I read the first few chaptersand I'm sitting here and I'm
telling my husband I was likehow, how amazing is it that God
saw fit to just bring ustogether?
(03:40):
Because right now, especiallyespecially in the times that
we're having right now, we'reall different, dealing with so
many different types, yeah, ofgrief, different types of loss.
Right now, like, your story isso pivotal.
So I want to talk about a fewthings.
First of all, the way that veryfirst chapter, the way that you
(04:00):
wrote about your aunt Sean,like when I was reading it I was
just sitting there.
I'm like gosh, I just want togive, I just want to give her,
and like her entire family, ahug, because everything that you
guys have gone through and sosuddenly, yeah, just just so
much to handle.
And the fact that you saw fitto take all of that and put it
(04:26):
into a book, yeah, so that itcould help someone else.
But I'm going to let you talkabout the book and I really just
want to start there, justsharing, share what you want to
share about the book.
Yeah, and really talk aboutjust like what inspired it.
Diandra F. Wing (04:42):
You know, I really.
It took me a long while andthis is after my aunt, sean,
suddenly passed.
It took me a while to come togrips with it, and when people
speak of grief it often takes ona philosophical tone, as if
there's some neat, tidyexplanation for the aching
(05:04):
emptiness it leaves behind.
I hate the saying time healsall wounds, because in the case
of grief, that's nothing morethan a comforting illusion.
Time may dull the edges, butthe wound remains.
There is no finish line, nomoment when grief releases its
(05:25):
grip on you, and in fact itnever ends.
It lingers, taking on new forms, looping back upon itself,
quietly morphing into moresorrow and more longing for the
ones that you've lost.
The hardest part isn'tnecessarily feeling it, it's
(05:45):
living with it.
It's learning to coexist withthe weight of grief, to breathe
through the suffocation and theinfinite nature of loss.
It goes on and on and on untilyou are no more.
And the thing that I found to bestriking about writing this
(06:07):
book was it just felt like along journal entry to me.
It felt like I just wanted totell it, to tell the story of
the red bird, and the reason whyI wrote it was to feel better
and all it did.
And the reason why I wrote itwas to feel better and all it
(06:29):
did it did the opposite.
It made me feel better.
But in the end, in the end, ifyou're taking a look at it and
taking a step back as someonewho's been through something
traumatic, you can appreciate itfor what it is.
It is just a love letter to mymom, to my aunt, and that's why
I wrote it.
I really did, yeah.
Ebony Fleming (06:50):
I love that and I love the way you talk about
healing, because I feel likesometimes we often get the
question when someone goesthrough something well, how do I
get over this, how do I getthrough this, how do I heal?
I feel like the answer is wenever heal.
Diandra F. Wing (07:06):
We're always healing.
Ebony Fleming (07:09):
We're always going to remember.
It's always going to be there.
Diandra F. Wing (07:12):
Yeah, it's like a living and breathing document
Like you add to it, you takeaway from it, but it always will
be there, it will stick withyou, it sticks to your bones.
And my mom's death rocked me insuch a ways because I've never
been apart from her, from themoment that I was a baby to the
(07:34):
very moment that she took herlast breath.
She was the constant in my life, she was everything to me, and
I know a lot of people kind ofassign well, she's your mom.
Of course, you feel a type ofno, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, she was special and Ijust want the world to know that
(07:57):
she was special and that shewill always hold a place in my
heart, always.
It'll always be void becauseshe's not there.
Ebony Fleming (08:09):
Let's talk about that a little bit more, because
I know yesterday when we chatted, you shared some beautiful,
beautiful things about your mom.
I want to just know more aboutjust what your relationship was
with both your aunt, your auntSean, because learning about her
and just how much you loved herin the book, I also was just
like, oh man, that's just,that's a lot to go through, but
(08:31):
what was your relationship withboth your aunt Sean and with
your mom before they passed?
Diandra F. Wing (08:38):
You know my aunt Sean.
She was a free spirit and Imentioned that in the book.
She just was destined forgreatness, like she just she
took up space.
You know what I mean?
She was a larger than lifepersonality.
I just loved her zest for lifeand't know what to do with the
(09:12):
pain, and she was caretaking forhim before he passed.
He had Parkinson's and had beenput on hospice at one point and
then subsequently, a couple ofweeks after he got placed on
hospice, he ended up passingaway.
And I remember going to thefuneral, me and my husband and
sister and my mom and brotherand my other sister.
(09:33):
They all, like we had a caravan, we all drove to Georgia.
We made the 17 hour drivebecause it was so sudden.
Yeah, nobody was trying to foolwith trying to like find
flights and stuff.
We were just like let's justbook it, let's get on, like,
let's get a rental car and let'sdrive the distance.
So we did.
And you know my aunt Sean as hiscaretaker my, my, my, my papa.
(10:00):
She really took one on the chin.
Like she left her life in NorthCarolina, moved back to Albany,
georgia, where he lived, andjust became his full-time
caregiver and after he passed,she said you know what?
I'm leaving and I'm going andI'm going to do great things and
(10:22):
I'm going to Gambia and I'mgoing to do all this and do all
that.
And of course all of us werejust like, are you sure you
don't know anybody there?
Like is that something youreally want to do?
But she really, really wantedto do it.
She had the kind of stick toitness kind of attitude that
whenever she set her mind to dosomething, she did it, and then
(10:44):
some.
So she sold all of herbelongings, her car, everything,
and she up and moved on aone-way ticket to the Gambia,
never to be seen again.
And I hate that.
That.
That's how her story ended,because all she wanted was just
a little slice of happiness inthis life, and I prayed to God
(11:07):
every single day that she sawthat she finally got to
experience that, and that's whatgives me comfort, that's what
brings me solace when I thinkabout her departure from this
earth.
Ebony Fleming (11:22):
Yeah.
Diandra F. Wing (11:23):
Wow, yeah, I know.
Ebony Fleming (11:26):
Whew, departure from this earth, yeah, wow, yeah
, I know you have gone.
You have gone through so muchand you've talked already about
the book being basically your,the journal that you needed, uh,
your way to cope.
Can you talk about any otherways that helped you during
(11:46):
those moments, especially withthe writing of the book?
Like you said, you got to theend and it wasn't what you
expected.
What helped you move throughthose dark moments?
Diandra F. Wing (11:56):
You know, I got to say my siblings.
I've got three siblings, onetwin sister, one older sister
and one older brother, and werealized at the start of all
this like having to plan hermemorial, having to get her
cremated, having to just get theprogram ready and just get
(12:17):
everything ready for her werealized that really and truly
we are all each other has.
And a couple of weeks ago mybrother died and he's six years
older than me and he sent us alla text.
In the group chat, the familygroup chat of the siblings, he
(12:38):
said something so sweet.
He just said you know what guyshe was like, let's keep doing
these things.
To remember, mom was January25th, so we got like together at
her house, which my sister nowlives in.
We got together at her houseand we had a happy birthday, mom
sign up and we had her favoritethings, which were soup she
(13:01):
loves soup and we had salad andwe had her favorite drink, the
margarita, and we got her someher favorite lemon cake and we
just celebrated her.
We celebrated her and I just,he just said we have to keep
doing that because y'all, we are, all we have, we are, we are it
(13:22):
.
You guys are my people and itwas just such a sweet, sweet
moment, even though it was atext.
It wasn't a phone call or agroup call, it just was a simple
text.
And I now know how and why mymom was so adamant that we had a
tight relationship, that wewere all close.
(13:43):
It's because she did not havethat with her family and they
were excommunicated from likeher and Sean were excommunicated
from their other three sisters,and that's a whole other story.
But yeah, I know it's close tohome, I know it does for you,
(14:04):
but what we talked aboutyesterday, yes, yes.
So you know, it's a lot of justhaving to do a lot of deep
introspection.
That's what helped me throughit.
I was like, what am I feeling?
Trying to do the breath work,trying to do the work of getting
through this is what got megoing really and truly.
(14:25):
But I quit my job.
I could not function, I couldnot and I was like how dare
corporate America get a fuckingfive, sorry, five day, a five
day grief, like, like, yeahthat's not enough.
That is not enough.
Do you know, not?
Do you not know?
This woman was my life, for allof my life.
(14:46):
She's the reason why I am here.
Her DNA is a part of my DNA andyou don't just.
It's not a light switch.
You can't turn that off.
So I quit and I felt good aboutit.
You know good for you.
Ebony Fleming (15:01):
yeah, honestly, because I feel like I feel like
a lot of us, I mean, that is howit is right.
Right, we go through, we gothrough things and we're
expected to start just showingup again Like, yes, I think like
nothing happened, like we'renot still grieving, like we're
not still processing, we justhave to.
Okay, we turn it off.
But you can't turn it off.
(15:21):
That's not.
Diandra F. Wing (15:22):
that's not a thing, no, and I just I could
kick myself for not realizinghow this was going to affect me,
because I knew I had had afeeling that something was
coming with my mom and I saythat now in retrospect only
because I made her, because shehad recently retired from
(15:45):
teaching, so I made her startthis project with me, this book
of hers, and thank God I did,because now we have this book,
that with her words, that Igifted to all of my siblings and
they were just like, why didyou do this?
How did you know?
And I'm like I don't know it.
(16:06):
Just something hit me rightafter my aunt had passed.
I'm like we have got, we havegot to to hold each other so
close.
And that's what I wanted to do.
We started this writing projectthrough this company called
StoryWorth, and StoryWorthreally, really helped me bring
my mom's memories and her, her,her life to life, like it was in
(16:31):
a book and it's forever.
And it was the best projectthat I could have done.
We were about three questionsaway from finishing when she
passed, but I still had the bookprinted, put some pictures in
there that she wanted me to putin there and, yeah, we did it
and I was so glad to give thatgift to my brother and my
(16:54):
sisters.
Ebony Fleming (16:56):
I love that.
I love that you had theopportunity Me too and to take
it, because a lot of us, evennow myself, I'm thinking like
man.
I really need to startrecording a lot of these stories
that my mom is telling me now,because you never know.
Diandra F. Wing (17:13):
I wish, oh my God, ebony, I wished that I had
done that a lot sooner.
I wish I could have had like avideo capsule of her that I
could just go back and laugh at,you know.
But all that to say it doesn'ttake away from the brilliance
that was my mom, even thoughshe's no longer here.
(17:35):
Everything that I do is for her.
It's in memory of her and myAunt, sean.
Like I tend to look at each dayas like an adventure now,
whereas before I was just goingthrough the motions child, just
like doing whatever I had to doto just survive.
But now it's all about thriving, it's all about realizing that
(17:59):
life is what you make it.
And I have this new, found,just respect and appreciation
for my lungs being able toprovide breath, for my heart
beating just all these things,my blood pumping.
I'm just so grateful to be here, yeah.
Ebony Fleming (18:20):
I love that.
And let's talk about the redbird, let's talk about the
cardinal, because just thesymbolism of you realizing that
there was this sign that showedup for you and seeing that and
it just giving you hope youshare some of that with our
(18:41):
listeners.
Diandra F. Wing (18:42):
When my mom, when we were grappling with my
aunt's death, she said to meshe's okay.
And I said well, mom, how doyou know?
And she was like well, you know, I was sitting out on, you know
, I was just putting some stuffin the back porch or something
(19:03):
had happened where she had goneoutside and a red bird, just the
Cardinal, disappeared like on,like a ledge of a tree in her
backyard and we had talked aboutat my grandfather's funeral.
When he passed, there were twocardinals in his yard and my mom
(19:24):
said at that point oh, that'sjust thank, thank them, but
granddaddy and and grandma, thatthat that's them, saying that
they're together, they're happy,they're fine, yeah, and you
need to live.
You need to live your life inhonor of me.
Before, just because of me, andthat I don't know, in my mind it
(19:46):
clicked that that was going tobe her way of showing up for us.
And, true enough, the morningthat my aunt we've got the news
that she had died I'm on my way,an hour's drive.
It's not even daybreak yet,it's still like dawn and the
light was coming out.
(20:07):
It was a beautiful, beautifulsunrise.
And I'm driving along this backroad and a freaking Cardinal
flies in front of my car whileI'm on my way to go console my
mother about the loss of hersister.
My aunt and I just knew.
I was like this is such asymbol, such a symbol, and I had
(20:29):
to assign it to just my aunt,my grandfather and now,
eventually, my mom.
Whenever I see them, I justknow that they're looking over
me, looking after me you know,covering you always, always,
always.
Ebony Fleming (20:46):
Yeah, that's so beautiful.
Okay, let's talk aboutnavigating loss and grief as a
Black woman.
Diandra F. Wing (20:57):
Oh, you know, you know how that goes.
Ebony Fleming (20:58):
We have to talk about it.
Diandra F. Wing (21:00):
We have to, because here's the thing we're
supposed to be strong, right?
Nothing is supposed to, youknow, phase the 92%.
Okay, Like nothing is supposedto phase us.
And it's so weird because, likewhen my mom passed now, mind
you, she's got family in Georgiathe three sisters and a couple
(21:21):
of cousins and an uncle thatlive out there and we have been
through tons of death in our, inour family.
It's a very small family.
On my mom's side, my dad haslike 13 brothers and sisters.
Don't want to even get intothat, but yeah, it just it's
different, for for black people,when there's a death, we tend
(21:43):
to want to to make it festiveand it's a home going.
It's not a home, you know, likeit's like you're going home and
you can't.
For me that didn't jive Like Iwas just like no, someone's dead
here.
Ebony Fleming (22:01):
Yeah, where's the room for the grief?
Diandra F. Wing (22:04):
Where's the room for the grief?
There was none of that, but Ithink that deciding to leave my
work, deciding to write thisbook, opened up so many avenues
for me in terms of dealing withmy grief.
That's one thing that we don'tdo as Black people we don't talk
(22:24):
about our feelings, we don'ttalk about the fact that most of
us need mental health servicesin some kind of capacity, and I
talk about it in the book.
I talk about my stint in, youknow, the loony bin, as it were,
and I had to go through thatprocess.
My mom was all about making surethat I had a mentally sound
(22:50):
state, like she wanted me to beokay.
When I tried to kill myself at24, going on 25, I did not know
what that looked like, I justknew that I did not want to be
here.
And when my mom found out andall of them came to the city
that I was in and they were inthe ER waiting for me to get out
(23:11):
and it, you know, I stayed inthe hospital, in the ICU for
five days because I had donesuch a number on my kidneys and
my liver, because I had taken abunch of pills and stuff, and my
mom was the one who who saidyou're not going home.
When you leave here, I'm havingyou admitted to this hospital
(23:32):
because you need help, you needhelp.
So if she hadn't told me,basically she gave me no choice.
You're going and deal with itand I just such a gift because I
did not know what I needed todo to get better.
But she knew and my mom hadn'tever been to a therapy session
(23:57):
her entire life.
But she saw her child sufferingand she was like I need to do
something and I need to do itnow.
My dad was completely againsther admitting me to this, this
facility, but she was like Idon't give a damn, that is my
child and that's her baby.
Help, she needs help.
So she had power of attorneybecause I was single, unmarried
(24:22):
at the time, you know 24.
I'm a child and I think at onepoint I was still on her
insurance, so I was 26.
And I think at one point I wasstill on her insurance, so I was
26,.
But she basically controlled,you know, everything, like
everything, and I just I.
I thank God for that, becauseif she hadn't been the kind of
woman that was just like uh-uh,this ain't it.
(24:44):
I would I would still besuffering mentally today, and
that's the God's honest truth.
Ebony Fleming (24:50):
Yeah, the power that your mom had to in that
moment, say I'm making adifferent choice.
Even though I've never gonethrough it, I know that my baby,
my child, needs help fromsomewhere else, help that I
maybe can't give her, that is sopowerful for her to just make
(25:11):
that choice.
Diandra F. Wing (25:12):
Yeah, and it comes from just her knowing that
I needed help that she couldn'tprovide, so she wanted me to
get it from someplace, someplacehelpful, someplace where I
could be free to speak and talkabout the things that were
holding me back or making mefeel like I should not be here.
(25:35):
She knew it was bigger than her, and that's one thing that most
Black people don't realize.
They don't want to assign amental health diagnosis for
people that really probably needit, like we are bad at
recognizing, when you know we,as Black folks, need that mental
(25:55):
help.
Ebony Fleming (25:56):
So thank God for my mom at that moment.
Diandra F. Wing (25:59):
Goodness, I know, it's just amazing, it is
amazing, ooh.
Ebony Fleming (26:06):
okay, I want to loop back around, because we're
talking about the blackcommunity and the way that your
mom showed up for you, youtalking about the way that you
and your siblings show up foreach other, knowing that we
can't do this thing called lifealone.
Like we, we just can't, um, andso I want you to share some
(26:28):
ways that you think other lovedones can support someone.
Maybe my listener right now,maybe you're not someone who's
going through grief, but you seesomeone going through a dark
place.
Um, how, how can we let themknow what ways they can support
that person?
Diandra F. Wing (26:46):
Well, I'll tell you how I need people to show
up for me and what my husbanddid for me.
So he's a quiet guy, but he'sgot some strength behind him.
He's been through a lot.
He's lost a sister at a veryyoung age he only had one, so
(27:06):
now he lost his dad, and now hismom is getting up in age and I
know that he worries about beingthe only one left of his
immediate family.
So I think that the way that heshowed up for me was just to
back off, give me space, let mesit with it thing, because this
(27:30):
was the first time that I hadlost not one, but two people
very, very close to me and itwas a lot to process.
It was a lot to to kind ofbring to the forefront and I
didn't want to touch it.
I was just like I'm just goingto ignore it.
I'm just going to ignore it.
But the day, the night, that wegot back from the town that my
mom lived in cause, we drovestraight from my house all the
way over to her town, which islike about an hour away.
Um, we drove back that nightand, uh, he said, what do you
(27:56):
need?
I had taken a shower.
I was sitting in bed notknowing what to do.
Yeah, like what's next and Iwanted to call my mom be like
girl.
You know you did like.
That's how often we talk yeah,anything, anything that ever
happened to my life be like girl.
Ebony Fleming (28:09):
You know you did like.
That's how often we talk, yeah.
Diandra F. Wing (28:10):
Anything, anything that ever happened to
my life.
It was phone call to mom let'scall mom and I so ticked off
that I could not call her andtell her about my day.
How dumb is that.
Ebony Fleming (28:25):
That's what I was thinking.
Diandra F. Wing (28:27):
And so he was like husband Ben goes, what do
you need?
And I said I need to scream, Ineed to scream.
And he let me scream, he justlet me go off the rails with it.
Yeah, yeah, he just let me dome.
(28:49):
And it was the nicest thing hecould have done, it was the most
human thing he could have done.
Yeah, he could have been like,well, you know, I don't know
quite what to do because wehaven't been down this road
together yet, but you know, Ithink that he did the right
(29:10):
thing by just asking thequestion what do you need?
Yeah, what can I give you, whatcan I do?
And he just held me and rockedme until I fell asleep and was
so lost and I just I felt like Iwas on pause, like I'm at a
(29:35):
standstill, like just Godsmacked by everything, and I
didn't know what to do.
But I'm telling you in thatmoment and sometimes all we need
in that moment is to hear whatdo you need?
Yeah, to know that someone'sgot hear what do you need?
Yeah.
Ebony Fleming (29:50):
To know that someone's got us like, no matter
whatever it is.
Diandra F. Wing (29:53):
Even if you don't know what that thing is
that you need, the question ismore powerful than anything else
.
Yeah, so I mean working withhim and it strengthened our
relationship.
Yes, and it strengthened ourrelationship.
Yes, I began to see him as notjust my husband, my lover, my
(30:14):
friend.
He was a confidant at thatmoment and my mom had occupied
that space Really truly.
She did Her and my sistersconfidants, my brother confidant
, but my husband, I don't knowwhy I didn't assign confidant to
him.
Yeah, but ever since we havebeen tighter than tight and our
(30:36):
relationship is that muchstronger forward, and I just
thank my mom for that.
I gotta take, I gotta give her,you know, props for that
because it was because of her,it's because of her, but it got
because of her, but it got youguys there.
That's yeah, yeah so beautiful,yeah, and she loved my husband.
Oh my God.
She thought he was the bee'sniece child.
Ebony Fleming (30:58):
Oh, I love that.
Diandra F. Wing (30:59):
Yeah, well, yeah.
Ebony Fleming (31:00):
You got mama's approval.
Like, you're in a good place.
Diandra F. Wing (31:03):
Yeah, they would talk about like everything
from like literature to poetry.
And yeah, yeah, she was a lithead.
She, you know, taught englishmost of her life and she just
was it.
It, oh, it totally thrilled herto talk about all things
literary, like she was.
Just, she was in a class byherself, she really was, she
(31:26):
really was okay.
Ebony Fleming (31:28):
So I want, I want to wind us down.
Wind it down.
You've given us some, yes,You've given us.
You've given us, you've givenus so much DeAndra, Like just, I
know my listeners right now arejust like yes, I needed, I
needed to hear that.
I want to.
First, if you could share,because we're on the Thrive Like
(31:49):
a Mother podcast All rightgreat.
I'm so passionate about reallygiving my listeners the tools
and resources that they need tothrive.
You've already talked about itwe don't want to just go through
life day by day.
We want to live and truly,truly show up and thrive.
So what are some dailypractices or habits that you
picked up that help you continueto really cultivate a healthy
(32:13):
mindset.
What are some of those thingsthat you can share?
Diandra F. Wing (32:15):
Well, I make myself write every day.
I don't care if it's justlyrics to a song.
I have to put pen to paper insome capacity every day, and I
don't care if it's just in myjournal, like I said, writing
down like a song I like orwriting poetry, whatever the
case may be.
Center yourself, find somethingyou like, and for me that
(32:38):
happens just to be writing andreading, and that's what I do.
But I cannot think of a timewhere I needed outside
influences to make me feelbetter.
But when you're going throughgrief, take whatever you can.
Take whatever you can, whetherthat be laughing at a movie,
(32:59):
talking on the phone with yourbestie, I don't care what it is.
Go to a wine bar, sit and talkwith someone.
Go to a bookstore, read a bookand sit with yourself.
These are things that I like todo in order to center myself.
And it's weird because beforemy mom died, I did not actively
think about things to occupy mymind.
And it's weird.
(33:19):
Grief will do that to you.
Grief will make you want to getyour mind off of it.
But what I find is that when Ido these activities, it brings
it to the forefront and then yousit with it and then you're
able to move on.
Have your moment of silence,have your moment of grief, sit
with it and then move on to thenext.
Ebony Fleming (33:40):
Oh, I love that.
I love just.
A lot of my journey has beensitting with myself in the quiet
and processing, really gettingcurious about any emotions that
come through, because they'renot always going to be happy
butterflies.
Sometimes they are going to betough and we do have to sit with
that and understand.
What does this mean for me?
(34:01):
How do I continue to movethrough this?
Diandra F. Wing (34:05):
I didn't think I'd be able to Ebony.
I really thought that I wouldcrack up and go back to the
loony bin.
I really thought that.
But what propelled me forward?
Because I'm a type Apersonality I go, go, go.
So when she died that next day,I was like, okay, y'all, let's
(34:28):
go to the funeral home, let's dothis.
And my brother and sisters arelike already and I'm like we're
not sitting around this shit, wehave to get to it.
Mom would not want us to belaborthe point.
She would want us to wallow inthis.
So let's get down to brasstacks and let's create this
memorial for our mom and do herproud.
(34:49):
So I ended up eulogizing herand it was such a gift, such a
pleasure to do that for her.
I felt like she was like shechanneled.
I channeled her or shechanneled me, I don't know who
channeled who, but the point isI hope that my, my eulogy
(35:12):
provided people with a goodbroad look at who Sandra Kay
Davis Ford was.
She was an amazing woman.
She was an amazing teacher andan even amazing mother.
Yeah, she really was.
Ebony Fleming (35:28):
Yeah, I love that and I love that we recorded
today on such, yes, such asignificant day.
I, like I said again, I'm gonnasay it again I'm I'm honored to
have you here on the podcastthank you, I'm honored to like
yes, speak life into ourlisteners yes, and I want to ask
you what's next in your writingcareer?
(35:51):
I want to see a peek.
Diandra F. Wing (35:52):
Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool cool.
So I'm in the process ofcreating or writing, if you will
a second edition or sequel toRedbird that talks about what it
is to live in the now, aftereverything has happened to you
that it's traumatic PTSD, it'sreal.
But I'm just going to revisitsome of the things I didn't hit
(36:14):
home on in the first novel.
The reason why it's so tiny andso short is because I wanted it
to be easily digested.
I wanted it to be somethingthat didn't feel cumbersome to
read.
It was just like taking aglance at someone's life for
just a split second, and that'swhat I wanted to accomplish.
(36:37):
But this next edition will be alot longer and I'm going to
develop the people that are inthis book, more so than I did
with the likes of my, my aunt,sean, and my mom, and and just
me.
So I want to talk about a lotof things that have happened to
in my life, which is a lot, butI haven't yet scratched the
(37:02):
surface, and I think that withthe second edition or the sequel
, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to scratch everysingle surface.
Ebony Fleming (37:11):
Yeah, I'm so excited, I cannot wait.
Diandra F. Wing (37:14):
And I start with this Every time I'm going
to write something, whether itbe a poem, or it's a short story
or what have you I always thinkof the title first.
Ebony Fleming (37:27):
Isn't that crazy?
Diandra F. Wing (37:28):
So I already have a working title for the
sequel, and it's going to becalled the Awakening of the
Bluebird.
And bluebirds are not theantithesis of the redbird, but a
kind of an extension of.
So when you think of a red bird, you're thinking of okay,
(37:49):
angels are near, um, I'm waitingfor something positive to
happen.
But blue bird is actually agift.
The blue bird and sales Cause.
I've been in sales for 22, 24years, I think, um, aging myself
, but that's okay.
So the bluebird in sales is whenif somebody tells you oh my God
(38:12):
, how did you land that bluebird?
It's a deal that you didn'teven know was there, and it's an
opportunity that you didn'tknow was there but was gifted to
you in the form of a bluebird,and I just I stuck with that
bluebird and I'm like this is sotrue.
I've used this phrase my entiresales career.
(38:34):
Let me parlay that into mywriting career.
And it's going to be about thegift of life, the gift that is
the power of thinking, the giftof talking to each other and
understanding ourselves.
That's what it's going to beabout, and I cannot wait to
finish this book.
I mean, it's going to be socathartic because it's going to
(38:58):
talk about how I am the D'AndraFord wing of today versus last
year when my mom died yes, ohgosh, I am excited and I told
you as soon as you said, blue,wake it.
Ebony Fleming (39:14):
First of all, awakening of the bluebird.
I got chills, I'm like, and I'mwearing long sleeves, y'all.
So, oh gosh, just thank youthank you so much.
Well, oh, my god, you are where.
Where can our listeners, wherecan they first of all find your
book and where can they continueto just follow along your
journey and get ready for thesequel?
Diandra F. Wing (39:35):
yes, so, um, you can purchase the book red
bird by deandre portland, me um,on amazoncom or
barnesandnoblecom or bookpeoplecom, or my books by a site
, so it's booksby slash, deandra, hyphen board, hyphen wing, and
(39:59):
that gives me, gives you anauthor biography, gives you
everything that I've written,and it's.
It's a really cool site tovisit if you're, if you're
really a reader, like a lot ofus are.
Ebony Fleming (40:10):
Yes, and I'll be sure, I'll make sure to keep all
of these links in the shownotes too, so people can, just
they can find you.
Diandra F. Wing (40:18):
Yes, ma'am, I love that Ebony.
You are just a treat, thank you.
Ebony Fleming (40:22):
Thank you, thank you, thank you to you for just
being here, of course.
Diandra F. Wing (40:27):
It's such a pleasure it really is, and
talking to you on this day, theone year anniversary of my mom's
death, is such a blessing,because I didn't know how I was
going to get through the day.
I didn't, and having somethingto look forward to such as this
(40:47):
podcast really, really helped metoday.
So, thank you, thank you,you're welcome From the bottom
of my heart.
Ebony Fleming (40:54):
Yes, thank you so much for listening love.
If anything in today's episoderesonated with you, share it
with your bestie, or share it onsocial media and tag me so we
can chat about it, as always,sending you light and love, and
remember you are worthy, you areenough and you deserve to
thrive.
Hey love, I'm Ebony and welcome to Thrive Like
a Mother.
On this podcast, we're scaredfor our truth, but that fear is
what fuels us to truly live init.
You're in the right place ifyou feel like you're stuck in
survivor mode and you're readyto step into who you were truly
(00:20):
meant to be.
I'll share resources and toolsI use daily to help you in your
journey towards a healthiermindset and to break the wheel
of survival.
The journey may not be easy,but you won't have to face it
alone.
I'm a mama of three, healingday by day from past trauma, and
I'm on a mission to build alife I've always dreamed of but
(00:42):
never thought was possible.
So, love, if you're ready tobelieve in what's possible,
let's link arms and thrivetogether.
Hey, loves, I'm starting thisepisode with a warning that the
upcoming discussion is going tobe a sensitive topic On the
(01:04):
Thrive Like a Mother podcast.
I never want to do any harm,and I'd rather make sure that my
number one priority is keepingin account your mental
well-being.
That's what's most important tome.
So the upcoming topic might bea little bit triggering for some
of you, and so I want to letyou know if you need to pause
(01:27):
the episode if it gets too heavy, feel free to do that.
Or if you need to leave theepisode and come back at a later
time, please do that.
Of course, I want you to betaken care of first.
So before we get into theepisode, let's just take a
collective deep breath and let'sget started.
(01:51):
Loves, welcome to anotherepisode of the Thrive Like a
Mother podcast, and I'm soexcited today because we have a
very special guest on with us.
Her name is D'Andra F Wing andshe is the phenomenal author ofa
book called Redbird.
Her memoir is powerful in theway that she explores love,
(02:15):
unexpected loss and in the waysthat the universe and our loved
ones speak to us and send ussigns of hope in the midst of
our grief, and so I hope, myhope for today's episode is that
it reaches whoever it needs toat the exact timing that it
(02:35):
needs to, and I hope that itshows you that there is always
hope and light, even in ourdarkest moments.
So, without further ado, let'sjump right in.
Deandra, I am so honored tohave you on the podcast today.
(02:55):
We literally met yesterday yes,yesterday and I knew instantly,
the first time meeting you, thatyour story was one, really,
that my listeners need to hear.
But also just our community,yeah, especially the Black
community, because the thingsthat you talk about in your book
, the things that you share,it's often something that we
(03:18):
don't communicate in ourcommunity about, yeah, and so
when we got off our callyesterday, I mainly went.
I went and I bought the bookand started reading.
I read the first few chaptersand I'm sitting here and I'm
telling my husband I was likehow, how amazing is it that God
saw fit to just bring ustogether?
(03:40):
Because right now, especiallyespecially in the times that
we're having right now, we'reall different, dealing with so
many different types, yeah, ofgrief, different types of loss.
Right now, like, your story isso pivotal.
So I want to talk about a fewthings.
First of all, the way that veryfirst chapter, the way that you
(04:00):
wrote about your aunt Sean,like when I was reading it I was
just sitting there.
I'm like gosh, I just want togive, I just want to give her,
and like her entire family, ahug, because everything that you
guys have gone through and sosuddenly, yeah, just just so
much to handle.
And the fact that you saw fitto take all of that and put it
(04:26):
into a book, yeah, so that itcould help someone else.
But I'm going to let you talkabout the book and I really just
want to start there, justsharing, share what you want to
share about the book.
Yeah, and really talk aboutjust like what inspired it.
Diandra F. Wing (04:42):
You know, I really.
It took me a long while andthis is after my aunt, sean,
suddenly passed.
It took me a while to come togrips with it, and when people
speak of grief it often takes ona philosophical tone, as if
there's some neat, tidyexplanation for the aching
(05:04):
emptiness it leaves behind.
I hate the saying time healsall wounds, because in the case
of grief, that's nothing morethan a comforting illusion.
Time may dull the edges, butthe wound remains.
There is no finish line, nomoment when grief releases its
(05:25):
grip on you, and in fact itnever ends.
It lingers, taking on new forms, looping back upon itself,
quietly morphing into moresorrow and more longing for the
ones that you've lost.
The hardest part isn'tnecessarily feeling it, it's
(05:45):
living with it.
It's learning to coexist withthe weight of grief, to breathe
through the suffocation and theinfinite nature of loss.
It goes on and on and on untilyou are no more.
And the thing that I found to bestriking about writing this
(06:07):
book was it just felt like along journal entry to me.
It felt like I just wanted totell it, to tell the story of
the red bird, and the reason whyI wrote it was to feel better
and all it did.
And the reason why I wrote itwas to feel better and all it
(06:29):
did it did the opposite.
It made me feel better.
But in the end, in the end, ifyou're taking a look at it and
taking a step back as someonewho's been through something
traumatic, you can appreciate itfor what it is.
It is just a love letter to mymom, to my aunt, and that's why
I wrote it.
I really did, yeah.
Ebony Fleming (06:50):
I love that and I love the way you talk about
healing, because I feel likesometimes we often get the
question when someone goesthrough something well, how do I
get over this, how do I getthrough this, how do I heal?
I feel like the answer is wenever heal.
Diandra F. Wing (07:06):
We're always healing.
Ebony Fleming (07:09):
We're always going to remember.
It's always going to be there.
Diandra F. Wing (07:12):
Yeah, it's like a living and breathing document
Like you add to it, you takeaway from it, but it always will
be there, it will stick withyou, it sticks to your bones.
And my mom's death rocked me insuch a ways because I've never
been apart from her, from themoment that I was a baby to the
(07:34):
very moment that she took herlast breath.
She was the constant in my life, she was everything to me, and
I know a lot of people kind ofassign well, she's your mom.
Of course, you feel a type ofno, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, she was special and Ijust want the world to know that
(07:57):
she was special and that shewill always hold a place in my
heart, always.
It'll always be void becauseshe's not there.
Ebony Fleming (08:09):
Let's talk about that a little bit more, because
I know yesterday when we chatted, you shared some beautiful,
beautiful things about your mom.
I want to just know more aboutjust what your relationship was
with both your aunt, your auntSean, because learning about her
and just how much you loved herin the book, I also was just
like, oh man, that's just,that's a lot to go through, but
(08:31):
what was your relationship withboth your aunt Sean and with
your mom before they passed?
Diandra F. Wing (08:38):
You know my aunt Sean.
She was a free spirit and Imentioned that in the book.
She just was destined forgreatness, like she just she
took up space.
You know what I mean?
She was a larger than lifepersonality.
I just loved her zest for lifeand't know what to do with the
(09:12):
pain, and she was caretaking forhim before he passed.
He had Parkinson's and had beenput on hospice at one point and
then subsequently, a couple ofweeks after he got placed on
hospice, he ended up passingaway.
And I remember going to thefuneral, me and my husband and
sister and my mom and brotherand my other sister.
(09:33):
They all, like we had a caravan, we all drove to Georgia.
We made the 17 hour drivebecause it was so sudden.
Yeah, nobody was trying to foolwith trying to like find
flights and stuff.
We were just like let's justbook it, let's get on, like,
let's get a rental car and let'sdrive the distance.
So we did.
And you know my aunt Sean as hiscaretaker my, my, my, my papa.
(10:00):
She really took one on the chin.
Like she left her life in NorthCarolina, moved back to Albany,
georgia, where he lived, andjust became his full-time
caregiver and after he passed,she said you know what?
I'm leaving and I'm going andI'm going to do great things and
(10:22):
I'm going to Gambia and I'mgoing to do all this and do all
that.
And of course all of us werejust like, are you sure you
don't know anybody there?
Like is that something youreally want to do?
But she really, really wantedto do it.
She had the kind of stick toitness kind of attitude that
whenever she set her mind to dosomething, she did it, and then
(10:44):
some.
So she sold all of herbelongings, her car, everything,
and she up and moved on aone-way ticket to the Gambia,
never to be seen again.
And I hate that.
That.
That's how her story ended,because all she wanted was just
a little slice of happiness inthis life, and I prayed to God
(11:07):
every single day that she sawthat she finally got to
experience that, and that's whatgives me comfort, that's what
brings me solace when I thinkabout her departure from this
earth.
Ebony Fleming (11:22):
Yeah.
Diandra F. Wing (11:23):
Wow, yeah, I know.
Ebony Fleming (11:26):
Whew, departure from this earth, yeah, wow, yeah
, I know you have gone.
You have gone through so muchand you've talked already about
the book being basically your,the journal that you needed, uh,
your way to cope.
Can you talk about any otherways that helped you during
(11:46):
those moments, especially withthe writing of the book?
Like you said, you got to theend and it wasn't what you
expected.
What helped you move throughthose dark moments?
Diandra F. Wing (11:56):
You know, I got to say my siblings.
I've got three siblings, onetwin sister, one older sister
and one older brother, and werealized at the start of all
this like having to plan hermemorial, having to get her
cremated, having to just get theprogram ready and just get
(12:17):
everything ready for her werealized that really and truly
we are all each other has.
And a couple of weeks ago mybrother died and he's six years
older than me and he sent us alla text.
In the group chat, the familygroup chat of the siblings, he
(12:38):
said something so sweet.
He just said you know what guyshe was like, let's keep doing
these things.
To remember, mom was January25th, so we got like together at
her house, which my sister nowlives in.
We got together at her houseand we had a happy birthday, mom
sign up and we had her favoritethings, which were soup she
(13:01):
loves soup and we had salad andwe had her favorite drink, the
margarita, and we got her someher favorite lemon cake and we
just celebrated her.
We celebrated her and I just,he just said we have to keep
doing that because y'all, we are, all we have, we are, we are it
(13:22):
.
You guys are my people and itwas just such a sweet, sweet
moment, even though it was atext.
It wasn't a phone call or agroup call, it just was a simple
text.
And I now know how and why mymom was so adamant that we had a
tight relationship, that wewere all close.
(13:43):
It's because she did not havethat with her family and they
were excommunicated from likeher and Sean were excommunicated
from their other three sisters,and that's a whole other story.
But yeah, I know it's close tohome, I know it does for you,
(14:04):
but what we talked aboutyesterday, yes, yes.
So you know, it's a lot of justhaving to do a lot of deep
introspection.
That's what helped me throughit.
I was like, what am I feeling?
Trying to do the breath work,trying to do the work of getting
through this is what got megoing really and truly.
(14:25):
But I quit my job.
I could not function, I couldnot and I was like how dare
corporate America get a fuckingfive, sorry, five day, a five
day grief, like, like, yeahthat's not enough.
That is not enough.
Do you know, not?
Do you not know?
This woman was my life, for allof my life.
(14:46):
She's the reason why I am here.
Her DNA is a part of my DNA andyou don't just.
It's not a light switch.
You can't turn that off.
So I quit and I felt good aboutit.
You know good for you.
Ebony Fleming (15:01):
yeah, honestly, because I feel like I feel like
a lot of us, I mean, that is howit is right.
Right, we go through, we gothrough things and we're
expected to start just showingup again Like, yes, I think like
nothing happened, like we'renot still grieving, like we're
not still processing, we justhave to.
Okay, we turn it off.
But you can't turn it off.
(15:21):
That's not.
Diandra F. Wing (15:22):
that's not a thing, no, and I just I could
kick myself for not realizinghow this was going to affect me,
because I knew I had had afeeling that something was
coming with my mom and I saythat now in retrospect only
because I made her, because shehad recently retired from
(15:45):
teaching, so I made her startthis project with me, this book
of hers, and thank God I did,because now we have this book,
that with her words, that Igifted to all of my siblings and
they were just like, why didyou do this?
How did you know?
And I'm like I don't know it.
(16:06):
Just something hit me rightafter my aunt had passed.
I'm like we have got, we havegot to to hold each other so
close.
And that's what I wanted to do.
We started this writing projectthrough this company called
StoryWorth, and StoryWorthreally, really helped me bring
my mom's memories and her, her,her life to life, like it was in
(16:31):
a book and it's forever.
And it was the best projectthat I could have done.
We were about three questionsaway from finishing when she
passed, but I still had the bookprinted, put some pictures in
there that she wanted me to putin there and, yeah, we did it
and I was so glad to give thatgift to my brother and my
(16:54):
sisters.
Ebony Fleming (16:56):
I love that.
I love that you had theopportunity Me too and to take
it, because a lot of us, evennow myself, I'm thinking like
man.
I really need to startrecording a lot of these stories
that my mom is telling me now,because you never know.
Diandra F. Wing (17:13):
I wish, oh my God, ebony, I wished that I had
done that a lot sooner.
I wish I could have had like avideo capsule of her that I
could just go back and laugh at,you know.
But all that to say it doesn'ttake away from the brilliance
that was my mom, even thoughshe's no longer here.
(17:35):
Everything that I do is for her.
It's in memory of her and myAunt, sean.
Like I tend to look at each dayas like an adventure now,
whereas before I was just goingthrough the motions child, just
like doing whatever I had to doto just survive.
But now it's all about thriving, it's all about realizing that
(17:59):
life is what you make it.
And I have this new, found,just respect and appreciation
for my lungs being able toprovide breath, for my heart
beating just all these things,my blood pumping.
I'm just so grateful to be here, yeah.
Ebony Fleming (18:20):
I love that.
And let's talk about the redbird, let's talk about the
cardinal, because just thesymbolism of you realizing that
there was this sign that showedup for you and seeing that and
it just giving you hope youshare some of that with our
(18:41):
listeners.
Diandra F. Wing (18:42):
When my mom, when we were grappling with my
aunt's death, she said to meshe's okay.
And I said well, mom, how doyou know?
And she was like well, you know, I was sitting out on, you know
, I was just putting some stuffin the back porch or something
(19:03):
had happened where she had goneoutside and a red bird, just the
Cardinal, disappeared like on,like a ledge of a tree in her
backyard and we had talked aboutat my grandfather's funeral.
When he passed, there were twocardinals in his yard and my mom
(19:24):
said at that point oh, that'sjust thank, thank them, but
granddaddy and and grandma, thatthat that's them, saying that
they're together, they're happy,they're fine, yeah, and you
need to live.
You need to live your life inhonor of me.
Before, just because of me, andthat I don't know, in my mind it
(19:46):
clicked that that was going tobe her way of showing up for us.
And, true enough, the morningthat my aunt we've got the news
that she had died I'm on my way,an hour's drive.
It's not even daybreak yet,it's still like dawn and the
light was coming out.
(20:07):
It was a beautiful, beautifulsunrise.
And I'm driving along this backroad and a freaking Cardinal
flies in front of my car whileI'm on my way to go console my
mother about the loss of hersister.
My aunt and I just knew.
I was like this is such asymbol, such a symbol, and I had
(20:29):
to assign it to just my aunt,my grandfather and now,
eventually, my mom.
Whenever I see them, I justknow that they're looking over
me, looking after me you know,covering you always, always,
always.
Ebony Fleming (20:46):
Yeah, that's so beautiful.
Okay, let's talk aboutnavigating loss and grief as a
Black woman.
Diandra F. Wing (20:57):
Oh, you know, you know how that goes.
Ebony Fleming (20:58):
We have to talk about it.
Diandra F. Wing (21:00):
We have to, because here's the thing we're
supposed to be strong, right?
Nothing is supposed to, youknow, phase the 92%.
Okay, Like nothing is supposedto phase us.
And it's so weird because, likewhen my mom passed now, mind
you, she's got family in Georgiathe three sisters and a couple
(21:21):
of cousins and an uncle thatlive out there and we have been
through tons of death in our, inour family.
It's a very small family.
On my mom's side, my dad haslike 13 brothers and sisters.
Don't want to even get intothat, but yeah, it just it's
different, for for black people,when there's a death, we tend
(21:43):
to want to to make it festiveand it's a home going.
It's not a home, you know, likeit's like you're going home and
you can't.
For me that didn't jive Like Iwas just like no, someone's dead
here.
Ebony Fleming (22:01):
Yeah, where's the room for the grief?
Diandra F. Wing (22:04):
Where's the room for the grief?
There was none of that, but Ithink that deciding to leave my
work, deciding to write thisbook, opened up so many avenues
for me in terms of dealing withmy grief.
That's one thing that we don'tdo as Black people we don't talk
(22:24):
about our feelings, we don'ttalk about the fact that most of
us need mental health servicesin some kind of capacity, and I
talk about it in the book.
I talk about my stint in, youknow, the loony bin, as it were,
and I had to go through thatprocess.
My mom was all about making surethat I had a mentally sound
(22:50):
state, like she wanted me to beokay.
When I tried to kill myself at24, going on 25, I did not know
what that looked like, I justknew that I did not want to be
here.
And when my mom found out andall of them came to the city
that I was in and they were inthe ER waiting for me to get out
(23:11):
and it, you know, I stayed inthe hospital, in the ICU for
five days because I had donesuch a number on my kidneys and
my liver, because I had taken abunch of pills and stuff, and my
mom was the one who who saidyou're not going home.
When you leave here, I'm havingyou admitted to this hospital
(23:32):
because you need help, you needhelp.
So if she hadn't told me,basically she gave me no choice.
You're going and deal with itand I just such a gift because I
did not know what I needed todo to get better.
But she knew and my mom hadn'tever been to a therapy session
(23:57):
her entire life.
But she saw her child sufferingand she was like I need to do
something and I need to do itnow.
My dad was completely againsther admitting me to this, this
facility, but she was like Idon't give a damn, that is my
child and that's her baby.
Help, she needs help.
So she had power of attorneybecause I was single, unmarried
(24:22):
at the time, you know 24.
I'm a child and I think at onepoint I was still on her
insurance, so I was 26.
And I think at one point I wasstill on her insurance, so I was
26,.
But she basically controlled,you know, everything, like
everything, and I just I.
I thank God for that, becauseif she hadn't been the kind of
woman that was just like uh-uh,this ain't it.
(24:44):
I would I would still besuffering mentally today, and
that's the God's honest truth.
Ebony Fleming (24:50):
Yeah, the power that your mom had to in that
moment, say I'm making adifferent choice.
Even though I've never gonethrough it, I know that my baby,
my child, needs help fromsomewhere else, help that I
maybe can't give her, that is sopowerful for her to just make
(25:11):
that choice.
Diandra F. Wing (25:12):
Yeah, and it comes from just her knowing that
I needed help that she couldn'tprovide, so she wanted me to
get it from someplace, someplacehelpful, someplace where I
could be free to speak and talkabout the things that were
holding me back or making mefeel like I should not be here.
(25:35):
She knew it was bigger than her, and that's one thing that most
Black people don't realize.
They don't want to assign amental health diagnosis for
people that really probably needit, like we are bad at
recognizing, when you know we,as Black folks, need that mental
(25:55):
help.
Ebony Fleming (25:56):
So thank God for my mom at that moment.
Diandra F. Wing (25:59):
Goodness, I know, it's just amazing, it is
amazing, ooh.
Ebony Fleming (26:06):
okay, I want to loop back around, because we're
talking about the blackcommunity and the way that your
mom showed up for you, youtalking about the way that you
and your siblings show up foreach other, knowing that we
can't do this thing called lifealone.
Like we, we just can't, um, andso I want you to share some
(26:28):
ways that you think other lovedones can support someone.
Maybe my listener right now,maybe you're not someone who's
going through grief, but you seesomeone going through a dark
place.
Um, how, how can we let themknow what ways they can support
that person?
Diandra F. Wing (26:46):
Well, I'll tell you how I need people to show
up for me and what my husbanddid for me.
So he's a quiet guy, but he'sgot some strength behind him.
He's been through a lot.
He's lost a sister at a veryyoung age he only had one, so
(27:06):
now he lost his dad, and now hismom is getting up in age and I
know that he worries about beingthe only one left of his
immediate family.
So I think that the way that heshowed up for me was just to
back off, give me space, let mesit with it thing, because this
(27:30):
was the first time that I hadlost not one, but two people
very, very close to me and itwas a lot to process.
It was a lot to to kind ofbring to the forefront and I
didn't want to touch it.
I was just like I'm just goingto ignore it.
I'm just going to ignore it.
But the day, the night, that wegot back from the town that my
mom lived in cause, we drovestraight from my house all the
way over to her town, which islike about an hour away.
Um, we drove back that nightand, uh, he said, what do you
(27:56):
need?
I had taken a shower.
I was sitting in bed notknowing what to do.
Yeah, like what's next and Iwanted to call my mom be like
girl.
You know you did like.
That's how often we talk yeah,anything, anything that ever
happened to my life be like girl.
Ebony Fleming (28:09):
You know you did like.
That's how often we talk, yeah.
Diandra F. Wing (28:10):
Anything, anything that ever happened to
my life.
It was phone call to mom let'scall mom and I so ticked off
that I could not call her andtell her about my day.
How dumb is that.
Ebony Fleming (28:25):
That's what I was thinking.
Diandra F. Wing (28:27):
And so he was like husband Ben goes, what do
you need?
And I said I need to scream, Ineed to scream.
And he let me scream, he justlet me go off the rails with it.
Yeah, yeah, he just let me dome.
(28:49):
And it was the nicest thing hecould have done, it was the most
human thing he could have done.
Yeah, he could have been like,well, you know, I don't know
quite what to do because wehaven't been down this road
together yet, but you know, Ithink that he did the right
(29:10):
thing by just asking thequestion what do you need?
Yeah, what can I give you, whatcan I do?
And he just held me and rockedme until I fell asleep and was
so lost and I just I felt like Iwas on pause, like I'm at a
(29:35):
standstill, like just Godsmacked by everything, and I
didn't know what to do.
But I'm telling you in thatmoment and sometimes all we need
in that moment is to hear whatdo you need?
Yeah, to know that someone'sgot hear what do you need?
Yeah.
Ebony Fleming (29:50):
To know that someone's got us like, no matter
whatever it is.
Diandra F. Wing (29:53):
Even if you don't know what that thing is
that you need, the question ismore powerful than anything else
.
Yeah, so I mean working withhim and it strengthened our
relationship.
Yes, and it strengthened ourrelationship.
Yes, I began to see him as notjust my husband, my lover, my
(30:14):
friend.
He was a confidant at thatmoment and my mom had occupied
that space Really truly.
She did Her and my sistersconfidants, my brother confidant
, but my husband, I don't knowwhy I didn't assign confidant to
him.
Yeah, but ever since we havebeen tighter than tight and our
(30:36):
relationship is that muchstronger forward, and I just
thank my mom for that.
I gotta take, I gotta give her,you know, props for that
because it was because of her,it's because of her, but it got
because of her, but it got youguys there.
That's yeah, yeah so beautiful,yeah, and she loved my husband.
Oh my God.
She thought he was the bee'sniece child.
Ebony Fleming (30:58):
Oh, I love that.
Diandra F. Wing (30:59):
Yeah, well, yeah.
Ebony Fleming (31:00):
You got mama's approval.
Like, you're in a good place.
Diandra F. Wing (31:03):
Yeah, they would talk about like everything
from like literature to poetry.
And yeah, yeah, she was a lithead.
She, you know, taught englishmost of her life and she just
was it.
It, oh, it totally thrilled herto talk about all things
literary, like she was.
Just, she was in a class byherself, she really was, she
(31:26):
really was okay.
Ebony Fleming (31:28):
So I want, I want to wind us down.
Wind it down.
You've given us some, yes,You've given us.
You've given us, you've givenus so much DeAndra, Like just, I
know my listeners right now arejust like yes, I needed, I
needed to hear that.
I want to.
First, if you could share,because we're on the Thrive Like
(31:49):
a Mother podcast All rightgreat.
I'm so passionate about reallygiving my listeners the tools
and resources that they need tothrive.
You've already talked about itwe don't want to just go through
life day by day.
We want to live and truly,truly show up and thrive.
So what are some dailypractices or habits that you
picked up that help you continueto really cultivate a healthy
(32:13):
mindset.
What are some of those thingsthat you can share?
Diandra F. Wing (32:15):
Well, I make myself write every day.
I don't care if it's justlyrics to a song.
I have to put pen to paper insome capacity every day, and I
don't care if it's just in myjournal, like I said, writing
down like a song I like orwriting poetry, whatever the
case may be.
Center yourself, find somethingyou like, and for me that
(32:38):
happens just to be writing andreading, and that's what I do.
But I cannot think of a timewhere I needed outside
influences to make me feelbetter.
But when you're going throughgrief, take whatever you can.
Take whatever you can, whetherthat be laughing at a movie,
(32:59):
talking on the phone with yourbestie, I don't care what it is.
Go to a wine bar, sit and talkwith someone.
Go to a bookstore, read a bookand sit with yourself.
These are things that I like todo in order to center myself.
And it's weird because beforemy mom died, I did not actively
think about things to occupy mymind.
And it's weird.
(33:19):
Grief will do that to you.
Grief will make you want to getyour mind off of it.
But what I find is that when Ido these activities, it brings
it to the forefront and then yousit with it and then you're
able to move on.
Have your moment of silence,have your moment of grief, sit
with it and then move on to thenext.
Ebony Fleming (33:40):
Oh, I love that.
I love just.
A lot of my journey has beensitting with myself in the quiet
and processing, really gettingcurious about any emotions that
come through, because they'renot always going to be happy
butterflies.
Sometimes they are going to betough and we do have to sit with
that and understand.
What does this mean for me?
(34:01):
How do I continue to movethrough this?
Diandra F. Wing (34:05):
I didn't think I'd be able to Ebony.
I really thought that I wouldcrack up and go back to the
loony bin.
I really thought that.
But what propelled me forward?
Because I'm a type Apersonality I go, go, go.
So when she died that next day,I was like, okay, y'all, let's
(34:28):
go to the funeral home, let's dothis.
And my brother and sisters arelike already and I'm like we're
not sitting around this shit, wehave to get to it.
Mom would not want us to belaborthe point.
She would want us to wallow inthis.
So let's get down to brasstacks and let's create this
memorial for our mom and do herproud.
(34:49):
So I ended up eulogizing herand it was such a gift, such a
pleasure to do that for her.
I felt like she was like shechanneled.
I channeled her or shechanneled me, I don't know who
channeled who, but the point isI hope that my, my eulogy
(35:12):
provided people with a goodbroad look at who Sandra Kay
Davis Ford was.
She was an amazing woman.
She was an amazing teacher andan even amazing mother.
Yeah, she really was.
Ebony Fleming (35:28):
Yeah, I love that and I love that we recorded
today on such, yes, such asignificant day.
I, like I said again, I'm gonnasay it again I'm I'm honored to
have you here on the podcastthank you, I'm honored to like
yes, speak life into ourlisteners yes, and I want to ask
you what's next in your writingcareer?
(35:51):
I want to see a peek.
Diandra F. Wing (35:52):
Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool cool.
So I'm in the process ofcreating or writing, if you will
a second edition or sequel toRedbird that talks about what it
is to live in the now, aftereverything has happened to you
that it's traumatic PTSD, it'sreal.
But I'm just going to revisitsome of the things I didn't hit
(36:14):
home on in the first novel.
The reason why it's so tiny andso short is because I wanted it
to be easily digested.
I wanted it to be somethingthat didn't feel cumbersome to
read.
It was just like taking aglance at someone's life for
just a split second, and that'swhat I wanted to accomplish.
(36:37):
But this next edition will be alot longer and I'm going to
develop the people that are inthis book, more so than I did
with the likes of my, my aunt,sean, and my mom, and and just
me.
So I want to talk about a lotof things that have happened to
in my life, which is a lot, butI haven't yet scratched the
(37:02):
surface, and I think that withthe second edition or the sequel
, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to scratch everysingle surface.
Ebony Fleming (37:11):
Yeah, I'm so excited, I cannot wait.
Diandra F. Wing (37:14):
And I start with this Every time I'm going
to write something, whether itbe a poem, or it's a short story
or what have you I always thinkof the title first.
Ebony Fleming (37:27):
Isn't that crazy?
Diandra F. Wing (37:28):
So I already have a working title for the
sequel, and it's going to becalled the Awakening of the
Bluebird.
And bluebirds are not theantithesis of the redbird, but a
kind of an extension of.
So when you think of a red bird, you're thinking of okay,
(37:49):
angels are near, um, I'm waitingfor something positive to
happen.
But blue bird is actually agift.
The blue bird and sales Cause.
I've been in sales for 22, 24years, I think, um, aging myself
, but that's okay.
So the bluebird in sales is whenif somebody tells you oh my God
(38:12):
, how did you land that bluebird?
It's a deal that you didn'teven know was there, and it's an
opportunity that you didn'tknow was there but was gifted to
you in the form of a bluebird,and I just I stuck with that
bluebird and I'm like this is sotrue.
I've used this phrase my entiresales career.
(38:34):
Let me parlay that into mywriting career.
And it's going to be about thegift of life, the gift that is
the power of thinking, the giftof talking to each other and
understanding ourselves.
That's what it's going to beabout, and I cannot wait to
finish this book.
I mean, it's going to be socathartic because it's going to
(38:58):
talk about how I am the D'AndraFord wing of today versus last
year when my mom died yes, ohgosh, I am excited and I told
you as soon as you said, blue,wake it.
Ebony Fleming (39:14):
First of all, awakening of the bluebird.
I got chills, I'm like, and I'mwearing long sleeves, y'all.
So, oh gosh, just thank youthank you so much.
Well, oh, my god, you are where.
Where can our listeners, wherecan they first of all find your
book and where can they continueto just follow along your
journey and get ready for thesequel?
Diandra F. Wing (39:35):
yes, so, um, you can purchase the book red
bird by deandre portland, me um,on amazoncom or
barnesandnoblecom or bookpeoplecom, or my books by a site
, so it's booksby slash, deandra, hyphen board, hyphen wing, and
(39:59):
that gives me, gives you anauthor biography, gives you
everything that I've written,and it's.
It's a really cool site tovisit if you're, if you're
really a reader, like a lot ofus are.
Ebony Fleming (40:10):
Yes, and I'll be sure, I'll make sure to keep all
of these links in the shownotes too, so people can, just
they can find you.
Diandra F. Wing (40:18):
Yes, ma'am, I love that Ebony.
You are just a treat, thank you.
Ebony Fleming (40:22):
Thank you, thank you, thank you to you for just
being here, of course.
Diandra F. Wing (40:27):
It's such a pleasure it really is, and
talking to you on this day, theone year anniversary of my mom's
death, is such a blessing,because I didn't know how I was
going to get through the day.
I didn't, and having somethingto look forward to such as this
(40:47):
podcast really, really helped metoday.
So, thank you, thank you,you're welcome From the bottom
of my heart.
Ebony Fleming (40:54):
Yes, thank you so much for listening love.
If anything in today's episoderesonated with you, share it
with your bestie, or share it onsocial media and tag me so we
can chat about it, as always,sending you light and love, and
remember you are worthy, you areenough and you deserve to
thrive.
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