March 11, 2025 • 36 mins
Facing the past isn’t easy… Join us as we confront childhood trauma and begin the healing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
best as she could.
I know that now as a mother.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
As a parent, I know that now right, but it took
years.
Throughout a large part of myadult life, I really thought I
was a nobody.
What I accepted from otherpeople, what I accepted in
relationships, what I acceptedfrom people that I thought were
(00:25):
my friends, was crazy as hell.
We have such a huge impact onour children.
I can look in and see thethings and the flaws and it's
okay.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
This is Legra.
Speaker 5 (00:47):
This is Stephanie, this is Cherie.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
And this is Ivanya, and this is Timeless and
Unfiltered where we are spillingthe tea on midlife.
One laugh at a time.
That was so funny.
I'm Stephanie, I'm Cherise andI'm Evanya where we are spilling
the tea on midlife.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
One laugh at a time and we're asking everyone to
like follow and subscribe.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
We are asking everyone, we are asking everyone
y'all don't want me to cuss.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
We're asking everyone politely to like, follow and
subscribe.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
We love you.
Hey, sanher, she said love you.
Well, hey, this episodeprobably is going to be a little
bit more serious.
Yeah, and it just came acrossmy mind because the last episode
where we were talking aboutself-care, where we were talking
about self-care, and it justmade me think of some of the
(01:48):
things that, just listening toall of our conversations, some
of the things that we've broughtfrom childhood with us, that we
are still carrying today, goodor bad Right.
Good or bad and, as y'all cansee, I'm sorry.
The fifth co-host started theshow with us today, because this
hot flash has been lastingabout 10 minutes.
I'm trying to get through it.
But hello, welcome to menopauseand midlife.
(02:10):
Okay, um, but it made me thinkabout some of the things, or,
when I listen to your stories,some of the things that I think
may have triggered like youstill have triggers you still
have trauma that even we don'teven realize we're carrying it.
I just want to say for therecord stephanie, your hair is
killing right now I'm looking atthe print.
Turn to the camera so you cansee the design and the print.
(02:32):
And I was just like come on,stephanie, she's so jazzy the
original barber doll hello, youdid it yourself.
Speaker 4 (02:37):
No, oh the lady that cuts my hair.
Her name is the original barber, doll.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
Okay, well, shout out to the camera.
That's right, the originalbarber doll.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Okay, where'd they find her?
She bad, where'd she?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
go Katie On.
Speaker 4 (02:48):
Instagram Original barber doll that's a cute doll.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
That's a cute doll, I love that.
Yeah, she slayed your hair.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
She's a famous barber .
Speaker 3 (03:00):
She cuts famous people Us.
Are we doing?
Speaker 5 (03:02):
the same clips, the same clippers.
Put his clippers on me, girl.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Yes, yes, yes.
I just had to say that I calleda look and I was like, okay,
we'll come through here.
Thank, you but yeah, I justthink.
It just made me think aboutsome of the things that I didn't
realize I was carrying, as wewere talking about just even our
self-care and how we take careof ourselves, or don't take care
of ourselves and the thingsthat we pass on to our kids.
(03:27):
I was thinking about, you know,the things I said I passed on to
my son, and it just made mewonder like, hey, amanda, what
else am I dealing with that I'mreally not dealing with.
Right, so I thought we'd sitback today and talk about some
of our childhood triggers,trauma.
And this is actually part one.
Part two, we're going to haveDr Angela Montfort come on and
(03:49):
sit down and talk with us.
What do you guys?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
think about that.
Yeah, I think that's good Okay.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Now we know we have some people who are very private
and who don't like sharing herbusiness.
So whatever you, like to shareor don't share for the world to
see whatever we want to share ordon't share is completely up to
you, or how deep you want to gointo.
It is completely up to you.
No, there's no pressure.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
No pressure.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
I was thinking about when I was younger.
I think about what kind ofdrives me even to today is I
think about my mother.
(04:40):
I think about how hard mymother died at the age of 54.
Speaker 5 (04:45):
I'm 55.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
I'm 55.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Wow, and I remember coming up to my 54th birthday
and I remember actually when Ihit 50, even though you don't
realize you're doing it in theback of my head I was counting
down to 54.
Because my mother was in ourminds pillar of health right,
(05:09):
she ain't healthy.
She looked great, boom, shesaid boom.
She gone like that quick.
So in my mind I've always wascounting down to 54 and I know
that her death mean it doesn'thave anything, but it's just
something that just it do.
That's just there.
So I remember for my 54thbirthday.
(05:30):
I remember how monumental itwas and it was something about
55.
I even mentioned it to my son,like I made it like I made it,
whatever that was.
I got past that, that I didn'trealize.
Even with that I had a fear ofdying for about four or five
years.
No, and that was just becausemy mother passed unexpectedly.
(05:50):
I don't know.
I don't have a relationshipwith a lot of the side of her
family.
I've just recently reconnectedwith one of my aunts, which I'm
very happy and excited about andhonestly don't know why we
disconnected.
So I don't really have familyhistory to know.
Like is there something thatruns in my family?
(06:11):
Like, even when my motherpassed, her death was labeled
heart failure.
When they don't know what'swrong your heart stopped, it's
called heart failure.
And when they don't have aspecific reason, it's labeled
heart failure because your heartstopped.
But we really don't know whatwas wrong with my mother Dang.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
So I had this.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
She didn't have a diagnosis.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
No, they had no idea what was wrong with my mother.
Speaker 5 (06:38):
That is the leading cause of death around women,
isn't it?
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Heart failure and that's why, Well the thing was
when she had first taken ill,they actually had the CDC come
in.
They took 94 vials of bloodfrom my mother because they
couldn't diagnose what was goingon so like she got to have
(07:00):
something rare or somethingwhatever, and over the course of
time they they had her inintensive care.
They took over 94 vials ofblood.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
And still couldn't determine.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
No.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Come on.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
She was healthy.
But why is she here?
Why is she have fluid aroundher heart, fluid around her
lungs, all those kinds of things?
But there was no.
They couldn't medicallydiagnose what was going on with
her.
So, but when she passed and ifyou, when they can't give you a
(07:30):
diagnosis your heart did stop.
Yeah, so it's called heartfailure.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
So her diagnosis was heart failure.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
And.
But y'all said her heart wasfine, she had a cardiologist.
But when your heart stopped itfailed Right.
So heart failure.
But really you don't know whyheart stop, it failed, right.
So heart failure, but reallyyou don't know why.
So I think I realized and thiswas a new realization that I
think one reason why I've workedso hard the last couple years
because I'm I was doing acountdown yeah how old were you?
Speaker 5 (07:59):
when your mother passed 30, 30 something girl.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
I can't even remember 30 something, yeah, but she was
only 54 but she was 54 in apillar of health and then boom,
she was gone.
And it was so quick and it wasinstant and there was no no, I
think, gosh, my grandmother diedat 55.
Speaker 4 (08:22):
And I thought that was old until now.
At that time, yeah, and now I'mlike oh, that was young.
That's young and I think youdon't understand it until you
get closer to that age andyou're like, oh no, I'm still
moving, I'm vibrant.
And you're like, no, I stillfeel good and young.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
So I realized she was young when she passed, my
grandma was 65 and I feel thesame with my mom because my mom
got into her 60s and I'm likeyou see, you're doing the
countdown.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
Because you don't know, you know and I think when
it happens early like that, itputs something in your brain but
I did not realize.
For the last couple of yearsI've been doing the countdown so
I work like crazy and I justobviously had that realization.
Probably a couple of years I'vebeen doing a countdown so I
worked like crazy and I justobviously had that realization
probably a couple of days ago sothat's something that needs to
(09:08):
be unpacked.
Yeah, yeah well, the great thingis, cherise introduced me to dr
Angela and we're getting readyto start.
We're gonna sit down andactually have some private
therapy sessions because I got awhole lot of other shit I need
to unpack.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
But it ain't just that y'all, it ain't just that.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
But I got a whole lot of other shit I need to unpack
but I didn't realize I have beenliving under a countdown.
Speaker 5 (09:33):
I think we all kind of live under a clock some type
of way.
We think that we know the dayis coming.
We don't know when and then nowI feel like I'm starting to see
a lot of younger people passearlier.
Speaker 4 (09:44):
When I was younger.
Speaker 5 (09:45):
I didn't see it.
Everybody who passed was old.
I remember my family was old bythe time I came around, but
then the older, I got classmatesstarted passing.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
co-workers started passing and I'm like oh so my
brother passed.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
He was 30.
Like, a lot of stuff startshitting you Was your brother ill
?
He was not.
That was a whole other story.
Running from the cops, oh no.
Yeah but yeah, that's a wholeother thing.
But you realize now thattomorrow really isn't a promise
to anybody Like anything.
First of all, a car can hit you.
You never know, but illness canhit you like suddenly, you just
(10:18):
don't know.
So you do have to live fortoday.
You do have to live for today.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
You do have to realize that whatever you can do
today, get it done today,whatever trip you want to take,
take it now, because you don'tknow, next year you're going to
be here to do it, so, or if youlock down in your house and
can't go nowhere that's true,covid.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Yeah, that traumatized me.
Yeah, covid traumatized you.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Yes, god that's why I get out and do everything I
want to do.
I used to procrastinate, but Iprocrastinate.
I think a lot of people realizethat we took a lot of things
for granted, like being able togo to a restaurant and sit down
and eat, to be able to go to afriend's house, to be able to
travel.
Was it like a year?
They had us on lock?
(10:56):
Things were like.
That traumatized me.
I didn't like being shut in andshut away like that.
Speaker 5 (11:04):
So that's what I do.
It was scary and the peoplewere dying in the hospital and
you couldn't even see your lovedones you had to say goodbye on
a laptop or it's like, yeah,that, that was scary that was
and that's like why I don'twatch the news to this day,
because you know they used tohave the.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
We have two million people now infected and every
day and I was like was like,this is my anxiety, I can't take
this, and I stopped watching itbecause it was just so so
terrible.
It traumatized me.
I think it traumatized a lot ofpeople.
It really did though it reallydid.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
It made me lazy Really, that damn Uber Eats came
out and Instacart.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
To this day.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
I don't go to the grocery store and I was like you
gotta stop doing that becauseyou're spending a lot of money
on fees.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
Yeah, and the sad part is.
It's about three minutes fromyour house yeah, the grocery
store lady, I don't think Igotta put on clothes yes, that
part you have to put on clothesstuck in the house.
No right, I was like COVIDchanged my habits.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
My habits.
It did you know I loved.
I love wearing heels and stuff,but you ain't gonna do that
around the house.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I'm in sweats.
I ain't even got to comb myhair.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
I ain't even got my wig on.
If I don't feel like it, I canwear a bonnet all day.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Yeah, covid definitely changed people.
It just even mental health,like, if you think about it, we
started talking about mentalhealth during COVID because it
impacted everybody in such adifferent way and so much.
Speaker 5 (12:30):
I realize how much.
You miss being with people andaround people you do.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Yeah, you do, just staying at home and eating.
I mean we just ate.
Speaker 5 (12:40):
It was so funny, I wanted to hug.
So bad I was calling my auntsand everybody I was like I miss
you.
I just want a hug like youcouldn't hug people like you
can't touch people and peopleyou know where, everybody you
know you didn't know if theywere affected or not.
You had a test.
I just need a hug.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
It was just so terrible, yeah, so that would
affect people's mental healthyeah, and it changed the world.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Think about it.
You used to be able to callyour doctor and get in in at a
week within a week.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
Now you wait six, seven months.
I mean COVID changed everything.
That was really traumatic.
Did any of you lose?
Speaker 4 (13:14):
anyone close to you due to COVID.
No, thank you, Jesus.
You know what I didn't, I didnot.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
Well, I mean, first of all, I can barely remember
yesterday, let alone COVID.
But to my knowledge, look, look.
I don't want to say I didn'tand be like girl you lost you,
and be like, oh lord, I forgot.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Um, to my knowledge, I don't think I lost anybody
directly to me I've heard ofpeople passing, but no one that
I know I didn't that was such ablessing, though.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
But have you, is there something that you realize
you're still dealing with, oror something that from your
childhood that that you're stillcarrying with you, that still
affects you?
Yeah, that catches you.
I mean that you're aware of,because a lot of stuff we're not
even aware of yeah, I am, and Iknow I need to talk to somebody
(13:57):
.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
I say that all the time I just feel like I ain't
got time.
But yeah, just feel like Iain't got time, but yeah, so,
like you've mentioned, um, asfar as content, you, you know,
take pictures of yourself and dothis and I don't.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
I hate and I'm so mad we didn't get a video of you
the other night.
That outfit you had on theother night, I don't like taking
pictures.
Speaker 4 (14:20):
It is because my grandma rest in peace.
Um, I think 10th grade myschool pictures that came in and
I was like, oh my god, I justlook so ugly, I just look so
terrible.
And she's like well, picturesnever lie.
Is that what your grandmothersaid?
Speaker 5 (14:35):
oh my, god and when I tell you.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
I have carried that, yes, my whole life.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
I do not like taking pictures, I'm just like, yeah,
but sometimes it's not aboutlooking cute, it's about the
moment, so it's not like youhave to take a picture just to
share it.
All the time.
I think now, with Instagram andeverything, you always want to
take a picture that's shareable,and I'll tell you this story.
The last time I was with mybrother and my mom and his
girlfriend, we all went toCopeland's and my mom was like
all right, let's go, just take apicture.
I was like now, mom's go, I'mready to go, I don't want to
(14:59):
take the picture.
And that was the last time thatI saw him.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Next time I saw him, he was in the hospital bed.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
Oh Jesus, and so I remember that and I was like, no
, I'll just take the picture.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
That's why I said just take the picture.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Because, even if it's not a great picture, it's still
a memory.
Yeah, just, I understand yoursand I understand yours and for
your grandma, your grandmother,your mother, whoever to say
something like that to you wouldhave to be trying to be funny
with it, but as it's just theway you talk.
It's hard.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
Yeah so.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I, just, I just.
You are beautiful.
You should take a lot ofpictures.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
Yes, some people are photogenic.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
I know my ministry is not being photogenic.
Well, cut your head off,because your fashion is fierce
Everything.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
You got no package.
That's something.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
I'm going to walk on.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
I can't judge y'all.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
That's no.
That's something you're goingto walk on.
You're out of my head.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
What would Stephanie wear?
What would Stephanie puttogether what I'm out of my head
?
What was Stephanie wearing?
What was Stephanie?
Speaker 3 (16:04):
put together.
What am I going to?
Speaker 5 (16:04):
do.
How can I look like Stephanietoday?
Stephanie's got to go in there.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
I don't have no ugly friends.
Oh Well, that ain't on purpose.
You said I don't, that's not onpurpose.
I don't have ugly friends.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
But the first step is recognizing it who the ugly one
is.
Speaker 4 (16:26):
So you recognize a problem with it.
Take pictures.
I will always.
I always look down and thenpeople will comment like why are
you always?
I'm like don't worry about myface, just look at the clothes.
Yeah, but that's a good thingunpacker.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
We talked about this before for me specifically, and
I always say this y'all do.
I always say this y'all know.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I always say this Don't crush me, my mom, I'm not,
don't, don't, don't, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
I'm not, I'm not my mom did the very best that she
could.
I know that now as a mother, asa parent, I know that now right
, but it took years.
And so when we start talkingabout unpacking to be an adult
with children and you realizethat certain parts of you were
(17:07):
impacted, for something thathappened long ago, and so one of
the things that and I alwayssay this somebody saying to you
who do you think you are as akid, Think about this.
You hear people today say thatto their kids yeah who do you
think you are?
because it's probably a learnedbehavior, but for throughout a
(17:29):
large part of my adult life.
Go ahead, let it go for a largepart of my adult life.
A lot of the things that I wentthrough I probably didn't have
to, but it had to do with thefact that I really thought I was
(17:50):
a nobody and so what I acceptedfrom other people, what I
accepted in relationships, whatI accepted from people that I
thought were my friends, wascrazy as hell.
But if in your brain you're anobody and parents don't start
(18:13):
out trying most because there'ssome crazy ones out here, but I
don't believe they try to hurttheir children it's just learned
behaviors, it's cycles that wego through.
How do we break those cycles?
Because I wish I would havebroke this, okay, okay, a long
(18:35):
time ago.
Because I think about some ofthe things I passed on to my
daughters, not knowing you knowwhat I mean.
It wasn't like I was a badparent, I just didn't know.
So I didn't say those things tothem.
But what were the things that Iwas supposed to say?
What didn't I say?
(18:55):
What?
What you know, what should Ihave said?
We have such, a, such a hugeimpact on our children, you know
, and those things we carry,like how you carry drawers, you
know, those things that we carryand we keep pushing on and then
our grandchildren go through itand we watch it.
(19:18):
We watch our kids do it,because not that any of us have
grandkids, but we don't know.
Nobody sit down and tell us wedon't thank God for therapy.
You know what I mean Because Iwas able to get it.
But think about this Somepeople literally live and die
(19:39):
and they never heal.
They never unpack.
They never get to understand.
Right.
You'll have the parents thatyou can go back and say that to
and they'll fight you.
They, they'll fight you, theywon't apologize, especially the
older they are, and one of thethings that was amazing for me
(20:02):
was to be able to apologize tomy children for for whatever it
was, you know because we don'tknow, and your kids will come
back and tell you.
They will tell you you couldthink you're the best parent in
the world and it hurts, they aregoing and it hurt like hell.
Apologize, because it is theirexperience and no matter what it
(20:24):
is we think we did or didn't do.
If they're telling us ourexperience, they just want I'm
sorry, I apologize, and itdoesn't even matter if you don't
know, if you didn't know, givethem what they need so that they
can heal and like.
For me, I'm realizing that as Iheal myself, I am healing my
(20:46):
daughters, you know, and I'mhealing the women around me and
I'm healing a greater, you know,a greater circle, a bigger
circle outside of myself becauseI can look in and see the
things and the flaws and it'sokay.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
You know, I think parents should start doing
temperature checks with theirchildren Every couple months,
every couple years, you know?
Do you have something you wantto share?
Have I made you feel some kindof way?
I think that should besomething normal, because as my
kids have gotten older, they'vecome to me and tell you know,
tell me like you hurt myfeelings back in the day when
(21:22):
you said, oh my god, I'm sosorry, you know, because I
didn't know, and so I think itmay need to be a new norm for
people.
Just, I call them temperaturechecks.
Just check in with your kids andyou know, see, is there
anything I can do to help, evenif they don't go to therapy?
Because I think, like you said,the kids will come tell you and
you'll sit there like shit on astick and just like, oh my god,
(21:45):
I'm so sorry and I'm like sorry, sorry, sorry, and I, I'm sorry
my kids to death.
And I'm like I, I, you know,and not making up excuses, I
explain and then a lot of likeyou don't have to explain
because they've done therapythemselves, where they're like
we understand you were a kidraising kids, right, so we don't
hold it against you and it tookfor them to get older and kind
(22:06):
of see, but I'm like, dang, if Iwould have checked in or if
they would have been vocalenough then, but they were
probably scared they're gonnaget a whooping or something, so
they probably didn't want to sayanything, but um yeah and a
good takeaway for me.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
A good takeaway from this is that if there's and
hopefully there are the youngergeneration of women that's
watching this, you know what Imean to to check in, like you
said, do the temperature checks.
Talk to your children, don'tyou know?
Do the things that don't get upearly in the morning, just
raising hell and fussing becauseyou're unhappy, a man made you
(22:42):
mad or or whatever is going onin your life, like, consider
your kids is real little people,little people.
They are little people who needyou to show up for them every
single day because they can't doit themselves and have those
positive talks to them.
You know, make sure theyunderstand their greatness and
(23:03):
who they are and how muchthey're loved and the things
that you know.
We may not have been imparted,and that's not all of us either,
right?
So I'm not making it like allparents are crazy, but what I'm
saying is just make sure thatlearn from us.
(23:24):
I guess that's what I'm sayingis just learn from us and just
try to do things earlier so thatyou don't get to a certain age
and and have to unpack all ofthis new kids they're a little
different, though like there'srespect.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
It's like the how do you still get respect from them
and still teach them and stilllet them talk to you and come to
you and be open?
Speaker 2 (23:42):
yeah, but it's this older age group, right?
So we're talking about the oneswho have already gone through
it, who have gone I'm.
So what I'm saying is thatstart imparting this thing your
grandkidskids or you know peoplewith younger to younger.
You know women in their 30s,late 20s raising children so
that you can bring them throughit, but the kids to me right now
(24:06):
there's a lot of sense ofentitlement, like a lot, but we
have to take some accountability.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
We have to take some accountability for that.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
We have to take some accountability, because I'm
going to be honest for myself Iprobably lacked, we all lacked,
but I lacked, and so I tried tomake up a lot Like do too.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I overdid it.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
So I didn't.
I should have done a little bitmore in terms of okay, did you
do this?
Did you do that?
I'm going to let you fall andI'm trying to make sure you fly
because I don't want you to fall.
Why you got to.
I hate that.
They say you have to crawlbefore you walk.
I don't want you to crawl.
So we have to take a little bitof accountability for the
(24:46):
entitlement.
It's bad.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
It's so bad.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
I'm not saying all, but you know what I mean.
Like well, at least for me, Ihave to just sit back and be
like, oh girl.
Speaker 5 (24:58):
And I think too, the order of the kids, like the
oldest, is probably a lot moreindependent.
I'm the oldest, I was a lotmore independent than the baby.
I'm the oldest you geteverything done for you Some of
the trauma I have as a littlegirl.
I remember being in third gradeand my third grade teacher,
miss Rouse.
I, little girl, I rememberbeing in third grade and my
third grade teacher, ms Rouse.
I remember her coming up to meand always telling me to you
know hold my head up, because Ialways do this.
I always look down and she saidspeak up.
(25:20):
And I always hear that in myhead every time I talk to my
speak up.
I always get the huh what'd yousay?
And I know that stems from somefamily stuff.
Like everybody in my family,all the women in our family were
fairly not meek in stature butkind of meek and quiet and you
know, we kind of let a lot ofthings happen to us.
We didn't really control whathappened around us a lot and I
know some of that has beenpassed on to me from not my
(25:42):
grandma.
My grandma was loud and wow butuh, my aunts and my
great-grandaunts and my mom andeverybody in my family was like
basically in their 70s or 80s bythe time I came around, but we
were all just really quiet andmy mom is very quiet too.
So I get that from her and Ithink I got some of the anxiety
from her.
She won't claim it, but I'vekind of taken on some of that to
(26:03):
where.
I'm like I get anxiety justgoing to the grocery store.
I get anxiety just thinkingabout what I have to do for the
day.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
But how do you get through being a lawyer?
Speaker 5 (26:12):
Well, I don't have to be in court, so that's
different.
I'm a transactional lawyer, somost of my stuff is written.
So I don't really have to talkand interact with people, Even
when I do have to, like I gethot and sweaty.
If I know I have to make a call,I get hot and I'm like and I
psych myself up, but when I'm init I'm okay and that's, and I
(26:34):
don't know where the trauma camefrom per se.
But I know I've taken that on,so I'm a lot better now, but I
do still have that, thatnervousness.
Oh, it feels like I have tomake a speech.
It's like that feeling all thetime Like I have to get up and
make a speech in front ofeverybody.
But it's gotten worse, you know,probably about 10 years ago,
but it's gotten better slowlyover the years.
(26:54):
I have talked to somebody aboutit and I kind of challenge
myself.
Now to go out and do stuff Likenetworking is super scary for
me.
How do you?
Speaker 3 (27:01):
feel doing this.
Speaker 5 (27:03):
This is scary the first time I had to take a shot.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
I'm going to go get some drugs now.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
Oh, I had to take a shot, Like y'all just don't know
what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
I'm like oh, I need to calm down, but now, like I'm
good You're talking now.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
You're talking now.
You're talking now.
Speaker 5 (27:18):
Yeah so I'm good, I'm growing.
It's a process, oh good, goodjob.
This is going to be scary, foryou.
Speaker 3 (27:28):
This is scary, but it with people, true, very true,
and I hope you feel like thiscan be a safe space.
Speaker 5 (27:35):
It is.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
You know that this could be a safe space.
Well, we have a caller thatcalled in for us.
Okay, this one kind of stung alittle bit, or?
You know, I just felt almostlike I could feel her when she
(27:56):
was saying it.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
So let's see how this goes Okay.
Hi, my name is Cheryl, I'm fromGeorgia and I would like to
address the insecuritiesresulting from childhood traumas
.
The insecurity that I face isthat I was never considered
pretty enough or good enough tobe included, and that was from
(28:17):
my extended family, so Icouldn't wait until I got older
to move away and leave all of myfamily behind.
I still struggle with feelinglike whether or not I belong if
I'm good enough.
So unfortunately, my defensemechanisms are that I don't
trust anyone or really depend onanyone so that way I won't get
(28:38):
disappointed and hurt.
I still question why not me,why didn't he think I was good
enough to be included, orwhether or not I was selected,
and it causes me to back off andretreat from others.
So I still kind of have thatwall built up around me, but I'm
working on getting over that,even at this age.
Speaker 5 (29:02):
I want to fight the people that make her feel like
that, like it's just sufferingtheir own special help yeah they
probably need to, becausethat's I hate that for her.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
You know what.
A lot of times when but this,this is my perception a lot of
times when people try to makeyou feel not beautiful, it's
because you are beautiful andthey're hating.
Speaker 5 (29:24):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
it's because because other people think you are
beautiful and it just so happensthat I know this person.
She's tall, she had long legs,and I didn't know her as a child
, so but I, she and I actuallykind of connected um, um, like
you know, in our late 40s, 50ish, you know she played
(29:48):
basketball and all that kind ofand she was in sports.
So I kind of can connect withher because you know, one of my
traumas was being so tall atsuch an early age.
I was five, nine I'm five ninenow.
I was five nine in the sixthgrade and I was leggy, long legs
and all that kind of stuff andI used to try to shrink and hide
(30:10):
but I didn't realize I wasstatuette hello, hello.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying,and when I would walk down the
street, older men would behooping and hollering at me and
especially but you couldn't tellI was a baby.
I was five, nine but.
But when you looked at me inthe face you knew I was a child.
But from the back you saw theselong legs walking down the
(30:31):
street and you know, back thenour shorts was way short shorts,
so they just saw thislong-legged something.
She's already had boobs andstuff and but I was a child.
And then, but you, you clearlyknew I was a child when you saw
him in the face but that alsobrings me to another one of my
traumas, because my father Iused had used to make me recite
(30:54):
this little thing he used to sayto me my name is Legra and at
that time it was McClendon.
I'm Legra McClendon, I'm 13years old, my dad has a
double-barrel shotgun and hewill use it.
Okay Gosh, for those certifiedpedophiles.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
My daddy used to make me say that.
Because he knew that me and waslooking at you.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
That's smart and my daddy used to make me say that
because I was long-legged likethat, so I know her.
I know she was light-skinnedCome on, we're not going to get
into the dark-skinned,light-skinned.
But when you see this tall,light-skinned younger child,
long legs, probably wearingshort shorts and stuff and she
(31:30):
got good hair- you know she gotgood hair, big beautiful smile,
so those people around you withthat little bit of even family.
You're not pretty, sit downsomewhere.
No, she was beautiful.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
That's what I paid attention to you think you cute.
You're fast.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
You automatically had to be fast People used to call
me fast.
I was like I's such a tomboyand playing football and
climbing trees and stuff Iwouldn't like you know or
whatever, but I know her so forto even think that she has that
that little thing.
It still sits in the back ofyour head and think about what
she said.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
She said extended family.
This is stuff that and itreally does happen in families
and we are separated.
This would be a an amazingsubject to to talk about or have
somebody on.
But that whole colorism thingbecause it does happen in
families and just like thecomments you made good here,
because I'm gonna be honest, Ialways say it what the hell is
(32:31):
good here?
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I mean like this thing is not healthy.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
So you know, it's, it's just a lot of things to to
unpack, but when you'reextending was bad here yeah,
when it's actually curly.
Yes, you know what I mean.
It's curling coming out of yourhair, but out of your head.
So you know, and and that forme, that for me was a thing,
that whole thing about good hair, and even now I hear like a lot
(32:57):
of guys say that more.
So you know, I just want awoman to have babies with,
because I want them to have goodhair and I feel like, well,
what's good hair?
Right, but it's the things thather family put that on her.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
Absolutely so.
I sympathize with her and Iintentionally chose that one
because it kind of resonateswith me.
Yeah, that long, because Ididn't know her then, like I
said, but I can imagine her.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Right.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
The Cheryl that I know today, and then I can
imagine her as a child, as shewas that lighter skin, curly,
because she has beautiful hairand she has natural hair, so
it's still curly, but now it'sgot the curtain and she has
natural hair, so it's stillcurly, but now it's got the salt
and pepper in.
I don't know what color it waswhen she was a child, but that
beautiful hopefully not textureright, I hope she wasn't salt
(33:43):
and pepper at 12, but who knows?
Speaker 1 (33:46):
you know these things are grand earlier.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
But just being long-legged and and athletic and
all that stuff and honey, theywas probably a little fat, don't
get me started.
Anyway, we're going to have.
this is kind of part one where Ijust wanted us to sit down and
talk about a few things, and Iknow I can keep us on here all
day by myself, and I'm sure eachone of us got our own stories
(34:11):
and things that we need tounpack, but therapy is just so
important.
It is um and to.
To figure out what's going onin your own life, yeah, to see
what we are passing on to ourkids.
Um and so for part two um, nextweek I want to have dr angela
monfort come and sit down andjust chit chat with us a little
bit.
(34:31):
You know it's not going to be afull therapy session but just
some things to talk about andhow we recognize things or how
to deal with some things, um,but I'm sure she's got a lot
that she would love to be ableto share with us.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
Yeah, I'm ready, honey, we'll have y'all here all
day?
Speaker 3 (34:46):
yeah, okay, especially stephanie.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
I'm not casting.
Mine is a sitcom, it's a sitcom.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
So it's your two men who knows right.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
No, no, I'm talking about my therapy session.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
You say that all the time, though you do say that all
the time that you laugh.
They were two men, yeah, butyou say it's good for you.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
What happened this week?
Speaker 4 (35:11):
Ms Hill Right.
Well, I feel, yeah, she.
But you say it's good for you.
What happened this week?
Ms Hill Right, Well, I feel,yeah, she'd be entertained.
Speaker 3 (35:18):
But she got to hold a straight face through the whole
session.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
Like is this lady for real.
Speaker 5 (35:23):
What you writing doctor Is this lady's cuckoo.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
Because we love to hear your stories.
And when I say she got a storyfor everything, I really do had
an exciting life man.
Speaker 4 (35:35):
Yes, that's wonderful though.
Speaker 3 (35:36):
But hey, so we're going to wrap this one up and
y'all make sure you subscribe.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Yes, like and follow.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
That's right, all of our platforms, but this is Lever
, with Timeless and Unfiltered.
This is Stephanie, this isCharisse, this is Evanya, and
we're going to keep on spillingthe tea.
One laugh at a time Y'all makesure y'all go subscribe Bye,
Thank you guys.
best as she could.
I know that now as a mother.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
As a parent, I know that now right, but it took
years.
Throughout a large part of myadult life, I really thought I
was a nobody.
What I accepted from otherpeople, what I accepted in
relationships, what I acceptedfrom people that I thought were
(00:25):
my friends, was crazy as hell.
We have such a huge impact onour children.
I can look in and see thethings and the flaws and it's
okay.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
This is Legra.
Speaker 5 (00:47):
This is Stephanie, this is Cherie.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
And this is Ivanya, and this is Timeless and
Unfiltered where we are spillingthe tea on midlife.
One laugh at a time.
That was so funny.
I'm Stephanie, I'm Cherise andI'm Evanya where we are spilling
the tea on midlife.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
One laugh at a time and we're asking everyone to
like follow and subscribe.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
We are asking everyone, we are asking everyone
y'all don't want me to cuss.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
We're asking everyone politely to like, follow and
subscribe.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
We love you.
Hey, sanher, she said love you.
Well, hey, this episodeprobably is going to be a little
bit more serious.
Yeah, and it just came acrossmy mind because the last episode
where we were talking aboutself-care, where we were talking
about self-care, and it justmade me think of some of the
(01:48):
things that, just listening toall of our conversations, some
of the things that we've broughtfrom childhood with us, that we
are still carrying today, goodor bad Right.
Good or bad and, as y'all cansee, I'm sorry.
The fifth co-host started theshow with us today, because this
hot flash has been lastingabout 10 minutes.
I'm trying to get through it.
But hello, welcome to menopauseand midlife.
(02:10):
Okay, um, but it made me thinkabout some of the things, or,
when I listen to your stories,some of the things that I think
may have triggered like youstill have triggers you still
have trauma that even we don'teven realize we're carrying it.
I just want to say for therecord stephanie, your hair is
killing right now I'm looking atthe print.
Turn to the camera so you cansee the design and the print.
(02:32):
And I was just like come on,stephanie, she's so jazzy the
original barber doll hello, youdid it yourself.
Speaker 4 (02:37):
No, oh the lady that cuts my hair.
Her name is the original barber, doll.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
Okay, well, shout out to the camera.
That's right, the originalbarber doll.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Okay, where'd they find her?
She bad, where'd she?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
go Katie On.
Speaker 4 (02:48):
Instagram Original barber doll that's a cute doll.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
That's a cute doll, I love that.
Yeah, she slayed your hair.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
She's a famous barber .
Speaker 3 (03:00):
She cuts famous people Us.
Are we doing?
Speaker 5 (03:02):
the same clips, the same clippers.
Put his clippers on me, girl.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Yes, yes, yes.
I just had to say that I calleda look and I was like, okay,
we'll come through here.
Thank, you but yeah, I justthink.
It just made me think aboutsome of the things that I didn't
realize I was carrying, as wewere talking about just even our
self-care and how we take careof ourselves, or don't take care
of ourselves and the thingsthat we pass on to our kids.
(03:27):
I was thinking about, you know,the things I said I passed on to
my son, and it just made mewonder like, hey, amanda, what
else am I dealing with that I'mreally not dealing with.
Right, so I thought we'd sitback today and talk about some
of our childhood triggers,trauma.
And this is actually part one.
Part two, we're going to haveDr Angela Montfort come on and
(03:49):
sit down and talk with us.
What do you guys?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
think about that.
Yeah, I think that's good Okay.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Now we know we have some people who are very private
and who don't like sharing herbusiness.
So whatever you, like to shareor don't share for the world to
see whatever we want to share ordon't share is completely up to
you, or how deep you want to gointo.
It is completely up to you.
No, there's no pressure.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
No pressure.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
I was thinking about when I was younger.
I think about what kind ofdrives me even to today is I
think about my mother.
(04:40):
I think about how hard mymother died at the age of 54.
Speaker 5 (04:45):
I'm 55.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
I'm 55.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Wow, and I remember coming up to my 54th birthday
and I remember actually when Ihit 50, even though you don't
realize you're doing it in theback of my head I was counting
down to 54.
Because my mother was in ourminds pillar of health right,
(05:09):
she ain't healthy.
She looked great, boom, shesaid boom.
She gone like that quick.
So in my mind I've always wascounting down to 54 and I know
that her death mean it doesn'thave anything, but it's just
something that just it do.
That's just there.
So I remember for my 54thbirthday.
(05:30):
I remember how monumental itwas and it was something about
55.
I even mentioned it to my son,like I made it like I made it,
whatever that was.
I got past that, that I didn'trealize.
Even with that I had a fear ofdying for about four or five
years.
No, and that was just becausemy mother passed unexpectedly.
(05:50):
I don't know.
I don't have a relationshipwith a lot of the side of her
family.
I've just recently reconnectedwith one of my aunts, which I'm
very happy and excited about andhonestly don't know why we
disconnected.
So I don't really have familyhistory to know.
Like is there something thatruns in my family?
(06:11):
Like, even when my motherpassed, her death was labeled
heart failure.
When they don't know what'swrong your heart stopped, it's
called heart failure.
And when they don't have aspecific reason, it's labeled
heart failure because your heartstopped.
But we really don't know whatwas wrong with my mother Dang.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
So I had this.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
She didn't have a diagnosis.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
No, they had no idea what was wrong with my mother.
Speaker 5 (06:38):
That is the leading cause of death around women,
isn't it?
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Heart failure and that's why, Well the thing was
when she had first taken ill,they actually had the CDC come
in.
They took 94 vials of bloodfrom my mother because they
couldn't diagnose what was goingon so like she got to have
(07:00):
something rare or somethingwhatever, and over the course of
time they they had her inintensive care.
They took over 94 vials ofblood.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
And still couldn't determine.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
No.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Come on.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
She was healthy.
But why is she here?
Why is she have fluid aroundher heart, fluid around her
lungs, all those kinds of things?
But there was no.
They couldn't medicallydiagnose what was going on with
her.
So, but when she passed and ifyou, when they can't give you a
(07:30):
diagnosis your heart did stop.
Yeah, so it's called heartfailure.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
So her diagnosis was heart failure.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
And.
But y'all said her heart wasfine, she had a cardiologist.
But when your heart stopped itfailed Right.
So heart failure.
But really you don't know whyheart stop, it failed, right.
So heart failure, but reallyyou don't know why.
So I think I realized and thiswas a new realization that I
think one reason why I've workedso hard the last couple years
because I'm I was doing acountdown yeah how old were you?
Speaker 5 (07:59):
when your mother passed 30, 30 something girl.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
I can't even remember 30 something, yeah, but she was
only 54 but she was 54 in apillar of health and then boom,
she was gone.
And it was so quick and it wasinstant and there was no no, I
think, gosh, my grandmother diedat 55.
Speaker 4 (08:22):
And I thought that was old until now.
At that time, yeah, and now I'mlike oh, that was young.
That's young and I think youdon't understand it until you
get closer to that age andyou're like, oh no, I'm still
moving, I'm vibrant.
And you're like, no, I stillfeel good and young.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
So I realized she was young when she passed, my
grandma was 65 and I feel thesame with my mom because my mom
got into her 60s and I'm likeyou see, you're doing the
countdown.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
Because you don't know, you know and I think when
it happens early like that, itputs something in your brain but
I did not realize.
For the last couple of yearsI've been doing the countdown so
I work like crazy and I justobviously had that realization.
Probably a couple of years I'vebeen doing a countdown so I
worked like crazy and I justobviously had that realization
probably a couple of days ago sothat's something that needs to
(09:08):
be unpacked.
Yeah, yeah well, the great thingis, cherise introduced me to dr
Angela and we're getting readyto start.
We're gonna sit down andactually have some private
therapy sessions because I got awhole lot of other shit I need
to unpack.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
But it ain't just that y'all, it ain't just that.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
But I got a whole lot of other shit I need to unpack
but I didn't realize I have beenliving under a countdown.
Speaker 5 (09:33):
I think we all kind of live under a clock some type
of way.
We think that we know the dayis coming.
We don't know when and then nowI feel like I'm starting to see
a lot of younger people passearlier.
Speaker 4 (09:44):
When I was younger.
Speaker 5 (09:45):
I didn't see it.
Everybody who passed was old.
I remember my family was old bythe time I came around, but
then the older, I got classmatesstarted passing.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
co-workers started passing and I'm like oh so my
brother passed.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
He was 30.
Like, a lot of stuff startshitting you Was your brother ill
?
He was not.
That was a whole other story.
Running from the cops, oh no.
Yeah but yeah, that's a wholeother thing.
But you realize now thattomorrow really isn't a promise
to anybody Like anything.
First of all, a car can hit you.
You never know, but illness canhit you like suddenly, you just
(10:18):
don't know.
So you do have to live fortoday.
You do have to live for today.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
You do have to realize that whatever you can do
today, get it done today,whatever trip you want to take,
take it now, because you don'tknow, next year you're going to
be here to do it, so, or if youlock down in your house and
can't go nowhere that's true,covid.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Yeah, that traumatized me.
Yeah, covid traumatized you.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Yes, god that's why I get out and do everything I
want to do.
I used to procrastinate, but Iprocrastinate.
I think a lot of people realizethat we took a lot of things
for granted, like being able togo to a restaurant and sit down
and eat, to be able to go to afriend's house, to be able to
travel.
Was it like a year?
They had us on lock?
(10:56):
Things were like.
That traumatized me.
I didn't like being shut in andshut away like that.
Speaker 5 (11:04):
So that's what I do.
It was scary and the peoplewere dying in the hospital and
you couldn't even see your lovedones you had to say goodbye on
a laptop or it's like, yeah,that, that was scary that was
and that's like why I don'twatch the news to this day,
because you know they used tohave the.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
We have two million people now infected and every
day and I was like was like,this is my anxiety, I can't take
this, and I stopped watching itbecause it was just so so
terrible.
It traumatized me.
I think it traumatized a lot ofpeople.
It really did though it reallydid.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
It made me lazy Really, that damn Uber Eats came
out and Instacart.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
To this day.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
I don't go to the grocery store and I was like you
gotta stop doing that becauseyou're spending a lot of money
on fees.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
Yeah, and the sad part is.
It's about three minutes fromyour house yeah, the grocery
store lady, I don't think Igotta put on clothes yes, that
part you have to put on clothesstuck in the house.
No right, I was like COVIDchanged my habits.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
My habits.
It did you know I loved.
I love wearing heels and stuff,but you ain't gonna do that
around the house.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I'm in sweats.
I ain't even got to comb myhair.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
I ain't even got my wig on.
If I don't feel like it, I canwear a bonnet all day.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Yeah, covid definitely changed people.
It just even mental health,like, if you think about it, we
started talking about mentalhealth during COVID because it
impacted everybody in such adifferent way and so much.
Speaker 5 (12:30):
I realize how much.
You miss being with people andaround people you do.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Yeah, you do, just staying at home and eating.
I mean we just ate.
Speaker 5 (12:40):
It was so funny, I wanted to hug.
So bad I was calling my auntsand everybody I was like I miss
you.
I just want a hug like youcouldn't hug people like you
can't touch people and peopleyou know where, everybody you
know you didn't know if theywere affected or not.
You had a test.
I just need a hug.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
It was just so terrible, yeah, so that would
affect people's mental healthyeah, and it changed the world.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Think about it.
You used to be able to callyour doctor and get in in at a
week within a week.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
Now you wait six, seven months.
I mean COVID changed everything.
That was really traumatic.
Did any of you lose?
Speaker 4 (13:14):
anyone close to you due to COVID.
No, thank you, Jesus.
You know what I didn't, I didnot.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
Well, I mean, first of all, I can barely remember
yesterday, let alone COVID.
But to my knowledge, look, look.
I don't want to say I didn'tand be like girl you lost you,
and be like, oh lord, I forgot.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Um, to my knowledge, I don't think I lost anybody
directly to me I've heard ofpeople passing, but no one that
I know I didn't that was such ablessing, though.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
But have you, is there something that you realize
you're still dealing with, oror something that from your
childhood that that you're stillcarrying with you, that still
affects you?
Yeah, that catches you.
I mean that you're aware of,because a lot of stuff we're not
even aware of yeah, I am, and Iknow I need to talk to somebody
(13:57):
.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
I say that all the time I just feel like I ain't
got time.
But yeah, just feel like Iain't got time, but yeah, so,
like you've mentioned, um, asfar as content, you, you know,
take pictures of yourself and dothis and I don't.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
I hate and I'm so mad we didn't get a video of you
the other night.
That outfit you had on theother night, I don't like taking
pictures.
Speaker 4 (14:20):
It is because my grandma rest in peace.
Um, I think 10th grade myschool pictures that came in and
I was like, oh my god, I justlook so ugly, I just look so
terrible.
And she's like well, picturesnever lie.
Is that what your grandmothersaid?
Speaker 5 (14:35):
oh my, god and when I tell you.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
I have carried that, yes, my whole life.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
I do not like taking pictures, I'm just like, yeah,
but sometimes it's not aboutlooking cute, it's about the
moment, so it's not like youhave to take a picture just to
share it.
All the time.
I think now, with Instagram andeverything, you always want to
take a picture that's shareable,and I'll tell you this story.
The last time I was with mybrother and my mom and his
girlfriend, we all went toCopeland's and my mom was like
all right, let's go, just take apicture.
I was like now, mom's go, I'mready to go, I don't want to
(14:59):
take the picture.
And that was the last time thatI saw him.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Next time I saw him, he was in the hospital bed.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
Oh Jesus, and so I remember that and I was like, no
, I'll just take the picture.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
That's why I said just take the picture.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Because, even if it's not a great picture, it's still
a memory.
Yeah, just, I understand yoursand I understand yours and for
your grandma, your grandmother,your mother, whoever to say
something like that to you wouldhave to be trying to be funny
with it, but as it's just theway you talk.
It's hard.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
Yeah so.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I, just, I just.
You are beautiful.
You should take a lot ofpictures.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
Yes, some people are photogenic.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
I know my ministry is not being photogenic.
Well, cut your head off,because your fashion is fierce
Everything.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
You got no package.
That's something.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
I'm going to walk on.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
I can't judge y'all.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
That's no.
That's something you're goingto walk on.
You're out of my head.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
What would Stephanie wear?
What would Stephanie puttogether what I'm out of my head
?
What was Stephanie wearing?
What was Stephanie?
Speaker 3 (16:04):
put together.
What am I going to?
Speaker 5 (16:04):
do.
How can I look like Stephanietoday?
Stephanie's got to go in there.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
I don't have no ugly friends.
Oh Well, that ain't on purpose.
You said I don't, that's not onpurpose.
I don't have ugly friends.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
But the first step is recognizing it who the ugly one
is.
Speaker 4 (16:26):
So you recognize a problem with it.
Take pictures.
I will always.
I always look down and thenpeople will comment like why are
you always?
I'm like don't worry about myface, just look at the clothes.
Yeah, but that's a good thingunpacker.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
We talked about this before for me specifically, and
I always say this y'all do.
I always say this y'all know.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I always say this Don't crush me, my mom, I'm not,
don't, don't, don't, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
I'm not, I'm not my mom did the very best that she
could.
I know that now as a mother, asa parent, I know that now right
, but it took years.
And so when we start talkingabout unpacking to be an adult
with children and you realizethat certain parts of you were
(17:07):
impacted, for something thathappened long ago, and so one of
the things that and I alwayssay this somebody saying to you
who do you think you are as akid, Think about this.
You hear people today say thatto their kids yeah who do you
think you are?
because it's probably a learnedbehavior, but for throughout a
(17:29):
large part of my adult life.
Go ahead, let it go for a largepart of my adult life.
A lot of the things that I wentthrough I probably didn't have
to, but it had to do with thefact that I really thought I was
(17:50):
a nobody and so what I acceptedfrom other people, what I
accepted in relationships, whatI accepted from people that I
thought were my friends, wascrazy as hell.
But if in your brain you're anobody and parents don't start
(18:13):
out trying most because there'ssome crazy ones out here, but I
don't believe they try to hurttheir children it's just learned
behaviors, it's cycles that wego through.
How do we break those cycles?
Because I wish I would havebroke this, okay, okay, a long
(18:35):
time ago.
Because I think about some ofthe things I passed on to my
daughters, not knowing you knowwhat I mean.
It wasn't like I was a badparent, I just didn't know.
So I didn't say those things tothem.
But what were the things that Iwas supposed to say?
What didn't I say?
(18:55):
What?
What you know, what should Ihave said?
We have such, a, such a hugeimpact on our children, you know
, and those things we carry,like how you carry drawers, you
know, those things that we carryand we keep pushing on and then
our grandchildren go through itand we watch it.
(19:18):
We watch our kids do it,because not that any of us have
grandkids, but we don't know.
Nobody sit down and tell us wedon't thank God for therapy.
You know what I mean Because Iwas able to get it.
But think about this Somepeople literally live and die
(19:39):
and they never heal.
They never unpack.
They never get to understand.
Right.
You'll have the parents thatyou can go back and say that to
and they'll fight you.
They, they'll fight you, theywon't apologize, especially the
older they are, and one of thethings that was amazing for me
(20:02):
was to be able to apologize tomy children for for whatever it
was, you know because we don'tknow, and your kids will come
back and tell you.
They will tell you you couldthink you're the best parent in
the world and it hurts, they aregoing and it hurt like hell.
Apologize, because it is theirexperience and no matter what it
(20:24):
is we think we did or didn't do.
If they're telling us ourexperience, they just want I'm
sorry, I apologize, and itdoesn't even matter if you don't
know, if you didn't know, givethem what they need so that they
can heal and like.
For me, I'm realizing that as Iheal myself, I am healing my
(20:46):
daughters, you know, and I'mhealing the women around me and
I'm healing a greater, you know,a greater circle, a bigger
circle outside of myself becauseI can look in and see the
things and the flaws and it'sokay.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
You know, I think parents should start doing
temperature checks with theirchildren Every couple months,
every couple years, you know?
Do you have something you wantto share?
Have I made you feel some kindof way?
I think that should besomething normal, because as my
kids have gotten older, they'vecome to me and tell you know,
tell me like you hurt myfeelings back in the day when
(21:22):
you said, oh my god, I'm sosorry, you know, because I
didn't know, and so I think itmay need to be a new norm for
people.
Just, I call them temperaturechecks.
Just check in with your kids andyou know, see, is there
anything I can do to help, evenif they don't go to therapy?
Because I think, like you said,the kids will come tell you and
you'll sit there like shit on astick and just like, oh my god,
(21:45):
I'm so sorry and I'm like sorry, sorry, sorry, and I, I'm sorry
my kids to death.
And I'm like I, I, you know,and not making up excuses, I
explain and then a lot of likeyou don't have to explain
because they've done therapythemselves, where they're like
we understand you were a kidraising kids, right, so we don't
hold it against you and it tookfor them to get older and kind
(22:06):
of see, but I'm like, dang, if Iwould have checked in or if
they would have been vocalenough then, but they were
probably scared they're gonnaget a whooping or something, so
they probably didn't want to sayanything, but um yeah and a
good takeaway for me.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
A good takeaway from this is that if there's and
hopefully there are the youngergeneration of women that's
watching this, you know what Imean to to check in, like you
said, do the temperature checks.
Talk to your children, don'tyou know?
Do the things that don't get upearly in the morning, just
raising hell and fussing becauseyou're unhappy, a man made you
(22:42):
mad or or whatever is going onin your life, like, consider
your kids is real little people,little people.
They are little people who needyou to show up for them every
single day because they can't doit themselves and have those
positive talks to them.
You know, make sure theyunderstand their greatness and
(23:03):
who they are and how muchthey're loved and the things
that you know.
We may not have been imparted,and that's not all of us either,
right?
So I'm not making it like allparents are crazy, but what I'm
saying is just make sure thatlearn from us.
(23:24):
I guess that's what I'm sayingis just learn from us and just
try to do things earlier so thatyou don't get to a certain age
and and have to unpack all ofthis new kids they're a little
different, though like there'srespect.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
It's like the how do you still get respect from them
and still teach them and stilllet them talk to you and come to
you and be open?
Speaker 2 (23:42):
yeah, but it's this older age group, right?
So we're talking about the oneswho have already gone through
it, who have gone I'm.
So what I'm saying is thatstart imparting this thing your
grandkidskids or you know peoplewith younger to younger.
You know women in their 30s,late 20s raising children so
that you can bring them throughit, but the kids to me right now
(24:06):
there's a lot of sense ofentitlement, like a lot, but we
have to take some accountability.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
We have to take some accountability for that.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
We have to take some accountability, because I'm
going to be honest for myself Iprobably lacked, we all lacked,
but I lacked, and so I tried tomake up a lot Like do too.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I overdid it.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
So I didn't.
I should have done a little bitmore in terms of okay, did you
do this?
Did you do that?
I'm going to let you fall andI'm trying to make sure you fly
because I don't want you to fall.
Why you got to.
I hate that.
They say you have to crawlbefore you walk.
I don't want you to crawl.
So we have to take a little bitof accountability for the
(24:46):
entitlement.
It's bad.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
It's so bad.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
I'm not saying all, but you know what I mean.
Like well, at least for me, Ihave to just sit back and be
like, oh girl.
Speaker 5 (24:58):
And I think too, the order of the kids, like the
oldest, is probably a lot moreindependent.
I'm the oldest, I was a lotmore independent than the baby.
I'm the oldest you geteverything done for you Some of
the trauma I have as a littlegirl.
I remember being in third gradeand my third grade teacher,
miss Rouse.
I, little girl, I rememberbeing in third grade and my
third grade teacher, ms Rouse.
I remember her coming up to meand always telling me to you
know hold my head up, because Ialways do this.
I always look down and she saidspeak up.
(25:20):
And I always hear that in myhead every time I talk to my
speak up.
I always get the huh what'd yousay?
And I know that stems from somefamily stuff.
Like everybody in my family,all the women in our family were
fairly not meek in stature butkind of meek and quiet and you
know, we kind of let a lot ofthings happen to us.
We didn't really control whathappened around us a lot and I
know some of that has beenpassed on to me from not my
(25:42):
grandma.
My grandma was loud and wow butuh, my aunts and my
great-grandaunts and my mom andeverybody in my family was like
basically in their 70s or 80s bythe time I came around, but we
were all just really quiet andmy mom is very quiet too.
So I get that from her and Ithink I got some of the anxiety
from her.
She won't claim it, but I'vekind of taken on some of that to
(26:03):
where.
I'm like I get anxiety justgoing to the grocery store.
I get anxiety just thinkingabout what I have to do for the
day.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
But how do you get through being a lawyer?
Speaker 5 (26:12):
Well, I don't have to be in court, so that's
different.
I'm a transactional lawyer, somost of my stuff is written.
So I don't really have to talkand interact with people, Even
when I do have to, like I gethot and sweaty.
If I know I have to make a call,I get hot and I'm like and I
psych myself up, but when I'm init I'm okay and that's, and I
(26:34):
don't know where the trauma camefrom per se.
But I know I've taken that on,so I'm a lot better now, but I
do still have that, thatnervousness.
Oh, it feels like I have tomake a speech.
It's like that feeling all thetime Like I have to get up and
make a speech in front ofeverybody.
But it's gotten worse, you know,probably about 10 years ago,
but it's gotten better slowlyover the years.
(26:54):
I have talked to somebody aboutit and I kind of challenge
myself.
Now to go out and do stuff Likenetworking is super scary for
me.
How do you?
Speaker 3 (27:01):
feel doing this.
Speaker 5 (27:03):
This is scary the first time I had to take a shot.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
I'm going to go get some drugs now.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
Oh, I had to take a shot, Like y'all just don't know
what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
I'm like oh, I need to calm down, but now, like I'm
good You're talking now.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
You're talking now.
You're talking now.
Speaker 5 (27:18):
Yeah so I'm good, I'm growing.
It's a process, oh good, goodjob.
This is going to be scary, foryou.
Speaker 3 (27:28):
This is scary, but it with people, true, very true,
and I hope you feel like thiscan be a safe space.
Speaker 5 (27:35):
It is.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
You know that this could be a safe space.
Well, we have a caller thatcalled in for us.
Okay, this one kind of stung alittle bit, or?
You know, I just felt almostlike I could feel her when she
(27:56):
was saying it.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
So let's see how this goes Okay.
Hi, my name is Cheryl, I'm fromGeorgia and I would like to
address the insecuritiesresulting from childhood traumas
.
The insecurity that I face isthat I was never considered
pretty enough or good enough tobe included, and that was from
(28:17):
my extended family, so Icouldn't wait until I got older
to move away and leave all of myfamily behind.
I still struggle with feelinglike whether or not I belong if
I'm good enough.
So unfortunately, my defensemechanisms are that I don't
trust anyone or really depend onanyone so that way I won't get
(28:38):
disappointed and hurt.
I still question why not me,why didn't he think I was good
enough to be included, orwhether or not I was selected,
and it causes me to back off andretreat from others.
So I still kind of have thatwall built up around me, but I'm
working on getting over that,even at this age.
Speaker 5 (29:02):
I want to fight the people that make her feel like
that, like it's just sufferingtheir own special help yeah they
probably need to, becausethat's I hate that for her.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
You know what.
A lot of times when but this,this is my perception a lot of
times when people try to makeyou feel not beautiful, it's
because you are beautiful andthey're hating.
Speaker 5 (29:24):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
it's because because other people think you are
beautiful and it just so happensthat I know this person.
She's tall, she had long legs,and I didn't know her as a child
, so but I, she and I actuallykind of connected um, um, like
you know, in our late 40s, 50ish, you know she played
(29:48):
basketball and all that kind ofand she was in sports.
So I kind of can connect withher because you know, one of my
traumas was being so tall atsuch an early age.
I was five, nine I'm five ninenow.
I was five nine in the sixthgrade and I was leggy, long legs
and all that kind of stuff andI used to try to shrink and hide
(30:10):
but I didn't realize I wasstatuette hello, hello.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying,and when I would walk down the
street, older men would behooping and hollering at me and
especially but you couldn't tellI was a baby.
I was five, nine but.
But when you looked at me inthe face you knew I was a child.
But from the back you saw theselong legs walking down the
(30:31):
street and you know, back thenour shorts was way short shorts,
so they just saw thislong-legged something.
She's already had boobs andstuff and but I was a child.
And then, but you, you clearlyknew I was a child when you saw
him in the face but that alsobrings me to another one of my
traumas, because my father Iused had used to make me recite
(30:54):
this little thing he used to sayto me my name is Legra and at
that time it was McClendon.
I'm Legra McClendon, I'm 13years old, my dad has a
double-barrel shotgun and hewill use it.
Okay Gosh, for those certifiedpedophiles.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
My daddy used to make me say that.
Because he knew that me and waslooking at you.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
That's smart and my daddy used to make me say that
because I was long-legged likethat, so I know her.
I know she was light-skinnedCome on, we're not going to get
into the dark-skinned,light-skinned.
But when you see this tall,light-skinned younger child,
long legs, probably wearingshort shorts and stuff and she
(31:30):
got good hair- you know she gotgood hair, big beautiful smile,
so those people around you withthat little bit of even family.
You're not pretty, sit downsomewhere.
No, she was beautiful.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
That's what I paid attention to you think you cute.
You're fast.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
You automatically had to be fast People used to call
me fast.
I was like I's such a tomboyand playing football and
climbing trees and stuff Iwouldn't like you know or
whatever, but I know her so forto even think that she has that
that little thing.
It still sits in the back ofyour head and think about what
she said.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
She said extended family.
This is stuff that and itreally does happen in families
and we are separated.
This would be a an amazingsubject to to talk about or have
somebody on.
But that whole colorism thingbecause it does happen in
families and just like thecomments you made good here,
because I'm gonna be honest, Ialways say it what the hell is
(32:31):
good here?
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I mean like this thing is not healthy.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
So you know, it's, it's just a lot of things to to
unpack, but when you'reextending was bad here yeah,
when it's actually curly.
Yes, you know what I mean.
It's curling coming out of yourhair, but out of your head.
So you know, and and that forme, that for me was a thing,
that whole thing about good hair, and even now I hear like a lot
(32:57):
of guys say that more.
So you know, I just want awoman to have babies with,
because I want them to have goodhair and I feel like, well,
what's good hair?
Right, but it's the things thather family put that on her.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
Absolutely so.
I sympathize with her and Iintentionally chose that one
because it kind of resonateswith me.
Yeah, that long, because Ididn't know her then, like I
said, but I can imagine her.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Right.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
The Cheryl that I know today, and then I can
imagine her as a child, as shewas that lighter skin, curly,
because she has beautiful hairand she has natural hair, so
it's still curly, but now it'sgot the curtain and she has
natural hair, so it's stillcurly, but now it's got the salt
and pepper in.
I don't know what color it waswhen she was a child, but that
beautiful hopefully not textureright, I hope she wasn't salt
(33:43):
and pepper at 12, but who knows?
Speaker 1 (33:46):
you know these things are grand earlier.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
But just being long-legged and and athletic and
all that stuff and honey, theywas probably a little fat, don't
get me started.
Anyway, we're going to have.
this is kind of part one where Ijust wanted us to sit down and
talk about a few things, and Iknow I can keep us on here all
day by myself, and I'm sure eachone of us got our own stories
(34:11):
and things that we need tounpack, but therapy is just so
important.
It is um and to.
To figure out what's going onin your own life, yeah, to see
what we are passing on to ourkids.
Um and so for part two um, nextweek I want to have dr angela
monfort come and sit down andjust chit chat with us a little
bit.
(34:31):
You know it's not going to be afull therapy session but just
some things to talk about andhow we recognize things or how
to deal with some things, um,but I'm sure she's got a lot
that she would love to be ableto share with us.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
Yeah, I'm ready, honey, we'll have y'all here all
day?
Speaker 3 (34:46):
yeah, okay, especially stephanie.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
I'm not casting.
Mine is a sitcom, it's a sitcom.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
So it's your two men who knows right.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
No, no, I'm talking about my therapy session.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
You say that all the time, though you do say that all
the time that you laugh.
They were two men, yeah, butyou say it's good for you.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
What happened this week?
Speaker 4 (35:11):
Ms Hill Right.
Well, I feel, yeah, she.
But you say it's good for you.
What happened this week?
Ms Hill Right, Well, I feel,yeah, she'd be entertained.
Speaker 3 (35:18):
But she got to hold a straight face through the whole
session.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
Like is this lady for real.
Speaker 5 (35:23):
What you writing doctor Is this lady's cuckoo.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
Because we love to hear your stories.
And when I say she got a storyfor everything, I really do had
an exciting life man.
Speaker 4 (35:35):
Yes, that's wonderful though.
Speaker 3 (35:36):
But hey, so we're going to wrap this one up and
y'all make sure you subscribe.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Yes, like and follow.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
That's right, all of our platforms, but this is Lever
, with Timeless and Unfiltered.
This is Stephanie, this isCharisse, this is Evanya, and
we're going to keep on spillingthe tea.
One laugh at a time Y'all makesure y'all go subscribe Bye,
Thank you guys.
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