March 11, 2025 • 53 mins
When anxiety symptoms start affecting your mental health, it's crucial to establish strong boundaries for your personal growth. 👑 Today, we're diving deep into recognizing emotional abuse and managing social anxiety in our relationships. Remember queens, prioritizing your wellbeing isn't selfish - it's essential! 💕
💬 Join the conversation! Follow us on social media to see our weekly questions, then leave us a voicemail at timelessandunfiltered.com. Your message might be featured in an upcoming episode! Watch us on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@TimelessandUnfilteredPodcast.
📸 Instagram: @timelessandunfiltered
📘 Facebook: @timelessandunfiltered
🎵 TikTok: @timelessandunfiltered
🌐 Website: timelessandunfiltered.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I was having a great day sitting at my desk and I got
a phone call from a person theperson.
All I did was see the name comeup on my phone and I felt it
the moment I saw the name ringon my phone, the anxiety my
chest tightened.
I started sweating.
I got an instant headache,because I already know if I
answer that phone, it's neverpositive.
(00:22):
I realized that the stress thatwas on me wasn't even mine, but
it was affecting me physicallythe moment I said no more.
I haven't had a migraine in thelast couple of years.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
All those symptoms.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I was physically making myself sick.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
You know why your mind goes to a positive place
and you take your body with it.
That's why mindfulness works.
In this present moment, you canmake the decision of how you
want to feel.
Speaker 5 (00:49):
Yes, this is Legra.
This is Stephanie.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
This is Cherie and this is Ivanya.
This is Cherie.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
And this is Evanya.
And this is Timeless andUnfiltered, where we are
spilling the tea on midlife, onelaugh at a time.
Hey everybody, welcome toanother episode of Timeless and
Unfiltered.
I am Legra, I'm Stephanie.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
I'm Legra, I'm Stephanie, I'm Charisse and I'm
Evania and you'll probablynotice we got a special guest on
the couch, but before that, wewould like you to please follow
us, subscribe, like us on allplatforms so you can get all
this great content every weekstraight to you.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Hello hello, hello.
Well, Charisse, I'm going tolet you introduce our special
guest.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Oh, hello, well, charisse, I'm gonna let you
introduce our special guest.
Oh, I'm so excited to actuallyintroduce Dr Angela Monfort.
Who is?
She probably don't want me tosay this, but she's actually my
personal therapist.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
And soon to be mine.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
So let me just give you some information on Dr
Monfort.
It's a lot, but I'm just gonnaread a little bit.
Dr Angela Monfort, phd, lpc,ncc these acronyms NCC.
Speaker 4 (02:09):
Nationally Certified Counselor, okay and CPSC
Certified ProfessionalCounseling Supervisor.
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Don't say what I'm saying.
Go on girl, go on girl.
What was the LPC?
No tags.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
Licensed Professional Counselor.
Okay, I'm both a licensedprofessional counselor and a
licensed psychologist.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Okay, there we go, love it, get her accolades,
gotta get those accolades.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Credentials she was a licensed psychologist and
private practice in Buckhead inAtlanta, georgia.
She has 20 years of combinedexperience as a therapist,
career consultant and supervisorin various mental health
settings.
But I did notice because, um,you've got um a lot of over the
years.
(02:50):
But what I was actually excitedabout was it said on here that
you're working on a book aboutbody image issues experienced by
women of color yes, so veryexcited about it too.
Yeah, I was excited about it, toread it.
We just have stuff we need topack up, just get right to it.
Speaker 5 (03:11):
We need you, we need you.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We was literally talking about childhood, just
childhood traumas, things thatwe've gone through, and being at
a point where we're middle-agedand just now being able to
unpack things and understand,and so I think we're just kind
of wanting to understand why solate, why are we doing it now,
(03:35):
why are we trying to figure thisout?
now and not only that, but interms of trauma, how do we get
to the place of understanding itfor others, understanding it
and then getting what we need sothat we can get past it and
live productive lives?
And one of the other things wetalked about is the things that
(03:57):
we really pass on to ourchildren because we didn't have
a clue until they told us and ithurt, yeah, and we try to deal
with it, and so what we're, whatwe're trying to do, is, for the
folks who are where we are, ourmiddle-aged platform how do
they get to it and then forgirls who are younger, young
women who are younger, to haveyoung kids where do they start?
(04:19):
What do they do and why don'twe?
What is it that's stopping usfrom?
Speaker 4 (04:27):
they do, and why don't we?
What is it that's stopping usfrom doing it sooner?
Well, that's a really heavy andvery rightfully asked question.
You have to understand thattrauma happens in a context you
know, we don't control when ithappens and likewise we don't
control when we deal with it.
For some people the trauma isvery close to the surface and
they just can't have it notimpact their lives.
(04:48):
So the re-experiencing is there, the reactions are there, the
flashbacks are there.
Whatever symptomology that theystruggle with, it is front and
center.
For the larger majority, youhave trauma symptomology that is
more subconscious.
It still impacts the way wefunction, but in a way that's
(05:10):
much more covert.
So for these individuals it'snot really known just how much
is impacting your life.
So you may not know that there'san impact to a child.
You may think it's normal andnot even be aware that.
Wow, every time the child makesa reference to this sort of
(05:30):
trigger, I react that awarenessmay not be there.
For those who it is who areaware of that, they usually get
help.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Hopefully.
Speaker 4 (05:41):
They will get help.
But you can't really blameyourself if you don't have the
awareness, Because most of thetime life doesn't pause because
something bad happened.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Very true, it does not.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
You're keeping it moving and as long as you're
holding it together, the lightsare on.
You got your job or you gotyour man, you got your kids.
Whatever it is that you'retrying to keep in the flow, as
long as it's moving.
That's the object, object ofthe game and that's where the
focus is that that statementsaid a lot by itself.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Like I'm sitting here , I'm processing going I'm
trying to make a better effortof listening and stop being so
reactionary.
That's been a a big thingbetween me and my son, Because
when he does tell me somethingthat I've said or I've done that
has impacted him negatively,I'm already on the defensive and
(06:34):
I'm already trying to explainwhy.
And he hasn't even gotten outeverything he wanted to say to
me first.
But he and I have.
He's more the adult I'm thechild in this relationship.
And I don't know if that's justyoung people or what, but he's
so aware of our conversationsand he's very intentional when
(06:58):
he speaks to me.
But part of that is to guesswhat my son is in therapy, mama
not.
Speaker 4 (07:04):
He's in therapy.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
So he's learning how to communicate better with me.
And so sometimes, when we haveour conversations and I'll start
to speak and say hold on, justgive me a moment, let me, let me
get this out, let me let me saywhat I need to say first and
then then you can tell mesometimes who are you talking to
first and then.
Then you can tell, and I saidsometimes, who are you talking
(07:26):
to, because you know, becauseyou're the parent, but I I have
to say, okay, wait, yeah, I'm,I'm already ready to defend
myself because he's sayingsomething that's I don't want to
hear, or that is is hurtful tome, or I didn't do something
right, whatever right is.
You know, but our relationshiphas gotten better, honestly,
since he's been in therapy.
So now it's like you know what,allegra, it's time for you to
(07:48):
go to therapy, because some ofthe things that he said he can't
be wrong all the time.
Apparently, the way I'mcommunicating with him doesn't
feel comfortable to him and Ineed to figure out why I'm
communicating with him that way,you know but yeah kids hurt,
hurt your feelings you hurt yourfeelings and you're already
(08:09):
ready to attack, or to defend
Speaker 3 (08:12):
yourself, and I think sometimes I don't listen well,
and it's taking me a minute toget there, to realize I don't
listen.
Communicate and listen because,like how you said, when
sometimes somebody's talking toyou so you're remembering what
they said, so I can respond backto that sometimes you tune out
everything else so now I'mfocused on this one thing and
that's what I hear.
And I'm upset and I'm madbecause you said this one thing
and I probably didn't hear itthe way you meant to say it, but
(08:32):
now I'm not listening toeverything else you said.
I realize I do this and I'mlike focused on this and I'm mad
and you've said all this othergood things and I focus.
One thing I think is negativehow do you train yourself to
listen so you hear everythingand then, if you have a response
, would you wait till the end soyou can say everything you need
to say in response and not beso defensive?
Speaker 4 (08:52):
In this culture.
Believe it or not, most peopleare not really good listeners.
I believe it.
What you described is reallynormative.
In other cultures it isconsidered more of a show of
respect when there's a pausebefore responding yes, and
Western culture is more lookedat as a negative, like maybe
(09:14):
you're slow or maybe you're notvery intelligent or not with it
or something or not forthright.
It really does just take beingaware and training yourself to
just really consider what washeard before you respond the
other piece of that I'll sayquickly is a virtue of safety.
It's going to be really hard tojust pause and be that like with
(09:38):
it if you don't feel safe ifyou already feel judged, if you
already feel like, if the stakesare high, if I say the wrong
thing, then all of that it'sgoing to make it hard to just
override what you naturally dothat's good that's why, feeling
safe is so important.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Yes, you said something earlier that actually
made me think um, and what yousaid is we're paying our light
bills.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
We're you know, we're focused on our families.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
We're just living, and so I guess part of I don't
know you're the expert here, butI'm assuming a part of not
getting therapy or just thinkingabout what needs to happen is
because we're just on that trainjust trying to get to the next
(10:30):
point.
So I think, as we sit here atMidlife we've talked about well,
now it's quiet, the kids aregone.
You know we have time now.
We're starting to think aboutour future, so we have more
quiet time and maybe that's whywhy it bubbled up for me.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
possibly very possibly again, keep in mind you
got several layers here.
You got what's going on in yourlife individually, you've got
who's around you, managing that,you've got the responsibilities
of life, and then you've gotthe larger around you, managing
that.
You've got the responsibilitiesof life, and then you've got
the larger context, for example,how the world views therapy,
(11:11):
and pull it back down to amicrocosm of that, how people of
color view therapy.
How women of color view therapy.
I mean for the longest therapyin the black culture.
Come on Right, it's becomingmore common.
Speaker 5 (11:32):
I believe, the more you put it out there and people
speak of their journeys and howthey've been healed, I think
people are more open to going totherapy.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Because I keep saying I'm going to go to therapy.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
We're waiting on you to go to therapy, girl.
My life is is so much going onyou say come to the side of the
light.
Speaker 5 (11:49):
I keep saying I'm gonna do it, but I just feel
like, like you said, everythingis just moving and I'm just like
, okay, at some point and I amgetting to a point where I'm
sitting to myself really, butnot really, because I still got
a million things going on and inmy quiet time my therapist has
been that man upstairs for- awhile, but I do feel like a lot
(12:12):
of times I need reinforcementsbecause I know my friends
probably get tired of hearing mystuff.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Oh no, we never get tired of hearing the stories and
I'm like I know I'm wearingthem out.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
I need to go talk to somebody else, so that's
something I'm looking to do?
Speaker 3 (12:23):
If you felt sick you felt physically sick you would
schedule a doctor's appointmentso if you feel like, there's
some type of turmoil inside.
Speaker 5 (12:29):
You need to schedule an appointment with a therapist
I would need to, because what Irealize is all the stuff that I
I hold on to is impacting mephysically yes, like now I'm
being diagnosed with issues,because stress and everything
I'm holding on to and I'm like,oh my gosh, no, that's really so
real.
So I'm like, yeah, I got tocalm down and just figure out
(12:53):
how to unpack without hurtingpeople, because that's to a
point where I want to hurtpeople verbally but I don't
Because.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I've evolved from the person that.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I was.
Speaker 5 (13:08):
So I just keep things at bay, but it's just like
really tearing me up on theinside.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Sometimes it's not worth it too, Because you said
they don't have anything to lose.
Speaker 5 (13:19):
They don't, oh gee, but it's so hard, it's a process
, god, can you help me?
Help me please.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
You've got a new counselor right here.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
She's like yes, I'm sitting here looking at a volume
.
Who is this person?
I'm evolving, no, but I knowhow stress can really mess with
you physically.
I'm 47.
I got shingles at 46.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
I shouldn't have shingles at 46.
I got shingles at 46.
I shouldn't have shingles at 46.
I have shingles, that's why I'mstressed.
I had them popped up threeyears ago.
That's stress, shingles.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
And my hair is green Like stress is my heart rate.
Sometimes I feel it's like myanxiety, like all that stuff,
and I know that stress is workstress, relationship stress,
parenthood stress it's like allthat stress.
So now I try to deal with it indifferent ways.
We talked about sometimes thedifferent ways we use for self
care and wellness and all thatstuff and breathing and just
trying to take a step back anddoing nothing.
(14:13):
So I know that that's important,but getting it out and speaking
to somebody I know is importantas well.
Speaker 5 (14:18):
Yeah, I think that's better than taking medication,
cause I think a lot of times thesymptoms of your stress well,
here, take this pill, it'll calmyou down.
And here, go, take this twice aday.
And it's like no, maybe I needto holistically, maybe, yeah,
sit and talk to someone before Iactually start taking
medication, because maybe it'sjust something I need to unpack
(14:39):
or learn ways to woosah a littlebetter, as opposed to just
throwing a pill in your mouth.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
I will say it depends , because keep in mind that the
body only has one response tostress and it doesn't matter
whether or not the stress is abear charging at you or the
stock market falling orsomething happening in your
family.
Those stress hormones likecortisol does damage in the body
because your body is not meantto be activated as much as it is
(15:12):
.
Like in caveman times, therewasn't a bear every day.
Speaker 5 (15:15):
Right.
Right now there's somethingEvery day, every day.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Yeah, and sometimes your body takes a hit and it
doesn't bounce back as fast.
That makes sense.
With anxiety stressing theheart, Sometimes you do kind of
get in that window where theorgans actually do start to get
a little bit weakened.
If that's not the case, then,yes, get into the root of it
(15:42):
will definitely help and you andyou won't really need the
medications anymore right I'vehad clients with chronic anxiety
that felt they were alwaysabout on the verge of having a
heart attack when they'velearned to use coping mechanisms
like deep breathing meditationexercise.
They don't need anything to calmtheir anxiety anymore normal
xanax or anything like that thatmakes sense.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
But again, I think um , like you said, a lot of it too
is recognizing.
There's an issue and I knowwe've talked about it before um
a lot of stress comes from yourfamily oh yeah you know, my
family currently is dealing witha major issue with a family
(16:25):
member not certain if it's amental issue, if it's mental
health, not certain if it's adrug issue.
But that is causing a lot ofstress in our family.
But I noticed it personally.
There was a time, remember, Iwas sickly all the time.
I had a migraine.
I used to suffer from migraines, and I say used to, because I
(16:46):
was taking medication.
I had been to the doctor.
I always had digestive issues.
Stomach upset all the time.
Everything, and literally.
I was having a great daysitting at my desk and I got a
phone call from a person theperson and all I did was see the
(17:07):
name come up on my phone and Ifelt it because I was having a
really great day.
I was doing whatever I was doing.
I was at my desk and the momentI saw the name ring on my phone
, the anxiety, when I tell you,it's almost if there was a such
thing as an instant heart attackand that just instantly went
away.
It was almost like say, hey,that's it, this is your issue,
(17:28):
this is your source.
Right here, my chest tightened,I started sweating, I got an
instant headache just fromseeing that name come on my
phone, because I already know ifI answer that phone, it's never
positive.
It's never positive, it'salways on 10.
(17:49):
It's always an emergency.
It was going to shift my wholeday and I remember staring at
the phone and I didn't answer itand I sat there and I said,
okay, you have to stop, you haveto stop.
And then I realized that thestress that was on me wasn't
even mine I was taking onsomebody else's stress and
(18:09):
because, as your family member,I love you so I'm gonna okay
when.
When they call, I'm gonna answerthe call.
When they come over, I'm gonnasit and listen.
And it was pouring over me, butit was affecting me physically
and and the moment I said nomore.
I haven't had a migraine in thelast couple of years.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
My digestive like all those symptoms.
I was physically making myselfsick, and it wasn't even my
stress.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
Putting up that boundary by not answering the
call?
Yes.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Yes, and literally that was my aha, my aha moment
and my life.
But it's amazing too how, whenyou do put that boundary up,
when I say, it's almost like thewhole atmosphere shifted you
know what I'm saying All the youdon't ever feel like you're a
magnet for negativity sometimes,but the moment you say no more,
(19:02):
well, well, where did thenegative stuff go?
It like it.
Not just that one incident, orthat one person everything
shifted.
It's like you said no moreuniverse.
I'm not taking this on anymoreand everything shifted and it's
like a whole different world youwant to know why no well, tell
me, doc, because your mind goesto a positive place and you take
(19:27):
your body with it.
Speaker 4 (19:30):
That's why mindfulness works.
If you're thinking of like avery calm place, like, imagine,
like whatever is your place,like a beach or wilderness,
whatever it is.
If you're thinking of thatspace, notice that your
breathing is going to change.
Whether or not you have tensionin your shoulders or in your
back, that's going to shift.
(19:51):
The tension in your muscles, inyour stomach, especially around
the abdomen, is going to relax,because your mind went to a
positive place and so your bodywent there.
But when your mind goes to astressful place, it takes it
there too, and that's where youget all of that symptomology the
tightness, the muscle aches,the digestive issues, the nausea
(20:11):
the headaches.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Wow, that's why, wow, I'm telling you everything has
just shifted and great thingsstart coming to you.
That you're not even lookingfor it's just great things start
coming to you that you're noteven looking for.
It's just great things startcoming to you.
But a lot of times I think aswomen, as nurturers, as mothers
or whatever we take on thatnurturing role.
(20:33):
But you've got to learn how toput those boundaries up and
especially when it startsaffecting you physically.
I was sick all the time, allthe time, and couldn't figure
out why.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
I think sometimes, as women, we're trained to take it
on because they think we canalways handle it.
Yeah, we're strong, like we cantake on whatever the kids have
going on.
They always come to us becausethey know we can handle it.
But who do we go to when weneed somebody?
To Dr Moffitt, it would be alaughing Dr.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Moffitt, I'm telling you, and.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
I don't know how you do it.
Well, I guess you don't take iton, but listening to all these
things, does that affect you atall?
I'm like, do you need acounselor?
Speaker 4 (21:09):
Yeah, I am all about it.
I have definitely used therapyoff and on in my lifetime, for
sure.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Wow, that's great, because I'm human.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Yeah, I can say that just over the years I've kind of
heard a lot, so it just I justdon't carry it the same way.
But yeah, therapists are human.
Speaker 5 (21:31):
So I have a question, Nevermind.
No she may not be able toanswer If.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
I can, I'll let you know.
Speaker 5 (21:42):
Because so do people come and talk to you and say,
for instance, yeah, I want tokill my wife.
I think about it every day.
What do you do with that?
Like I would take that like mynerves.
I would go home and I'd be likeI probably need to say
something Like how do you handlehearing everything from
(22:05):
everyone?
Because I think I feel likethat's a lot for you to carry.
That's why I was like do you goto a therapist too?
Because I think we had aconversation where we were
saying, like law enforcements,counselors, emergency room
doctors they need to speak totherapists too, because on a
day-to-day they hear they takeon a lot and it's just like okay
(22:25):
, how are you guys unpacking?
I mean yeah, guys, unpacking, Imean yeah, so it's just, I feel
like everybody needs therapy,that's some kind of way but um I
just wonder how do you dealwith it?
Speaker 4 (22:46):
I mean, you have keep in mind I've worked in so many
different settings.
I've worked in psychiatrichospitals, I've worked at Grady.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I've worked in private practice.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
I've worked in college counseling centers.
So, I mean those that areunstable.
Yeah, they will have certainfixations of killing someone or
doing something, and I'm amandated reporter.
I get the proper enforcementsinvolved like the proper law
enforcements or whateverinvolved if there is an imminent
(23:16):
threat.
As far as the psychologicalside of it, it's just the way
you frame it.
That's an individual that isunder threat, and so it becomes
less about the content and moreabout how can I create, help
this patient or this client,create safety mm-hmm that's what
it comes about, and that's whyI say it's.
(23:38):
Therapists are human and I'mhuman.
Certainly I'm, yeah, but itdoesn't.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
I don't hear it the same in lameness ears as I do
professionally, and I don't hearit the same in layman's ears,
as I do it professionally and Idon't hear it the same oh wow, I
have a question too.
I know well.
I'm not sure if it's more sonow, but it seems like suicides
are going up now and you'reespecially in younger and
younger people and and sometimesI think we look at it, it's
like really the person had agreat life, like everything was
(24:04):
going right for them.
And with our kids, likesometimes I deal with this, with
my teenager being fearful thatyou know, maybe I can't say
something to them the right waybecause you don't know how
they're going to react.
And I may be off base, butthere's always that fear in my
mind that you know, I don't knowwhat's going to set them off
(24:24):
and like how do you deal withthat?
Or how do you suggest talkingto people who you may think have
, well, I guess, suicidaltendencies or just kind of?
Speaker 4 (24:33):
either generally.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
Yeah, maybe not as stable, but you know, you know
it could happen, but you're notsure.
Speaker 4 (24:39):
The best thing I would recommend is whether or
not you can do it or getsomebody else to do it.
It's just make sure thatthere's somebody asking like,
hey, how you doing?
You, you have any thoughts.
It seems like you're stressinghow you dealing with that, just
getting them talking about it,removing that stigma.
That is not oh.
(25:00):
It's okay to say you're notokay, okay, yes.
That is number one, because alot of times people do not have
that freedom to not be okay andthere's a lot of pressure,
especially with these teenagersin high school.
I mean, life is moving so fastand they're still caught up
between transitioning from beinga young adult to adult, or a
(25:23):
child to this, and they stillhave the pressures of an adult,
maybe very stressful academia.
So that's just a lot going onfor teenagers and anxiety has
really spiked, yeah as a verycommon diagnosis.
So best thing to do is talk,listen for the cues, the how are
(25:46):
they managing?
Like responsibilities.
Is anything falling through thecracks?
Are they sleeping?
Are they eating?
Just having eyes on themshowing support?
Those are the three things thatI would recommend, asking point
blank.
How are you Keep?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
eyes on them, so that , if they don't, know that they
are right, you will at leastknow, and then, lastly, just
show love.
Speaker 4 (26:10):
We just need love.
Speaker 5 (26:12):
I think sometimes people don't talk.
I went through a situationwhere I tried to take my life
and because I didn't have anyoneto talk to, I was secluded from
my friends, family and it wasjust I think it was more so
postpartum depression because Ijust had a baby and I just was
overwhelmed it's like oh, I gotall these kids, I'm by myself, I
(26:35):
don't have anybody to talk to.
You know, all my friends wereworking.
I was like a stay at home mom,and then my relationship was
crazy because he was justrunning around doing just stupid
shit and I was just like I wasjust so tired.
It was like I was tired and Ineeded somebody to talk to.
And I didn't have anybodybecause I didn't want to be a
burden, you know, dropping like,and they'd be like, well, you
decided to have them kids, soyou just.
(26:56):
And so I was like, yeah, Idon't want to hear that.
And I was just, I was tired andI just took a bunch of pills
and I was like, lord, okay,somebody just please take care
of my kids, make sure my kidsare OK.
And it was the craziest thingbecause my sister that I didn't
talk to that often, justhappened to call and I guess I
was on my way out and I answeredthe phone.
(27:18):
I don't know what I said on thephone, but she was in another
state and I guess she was likesome, she sounds crazy,
something wrong with her.
And she called the police andthen they came and got.
I woke up at southern regional,handcuffed to a uh bed.
Um, because I guess they commit.
They call it a crime when youtry and I didn't.
You know, I'm young like I'mgonna protect you too yeah, and
(27:40):
I wake up and I'm like what,what's going on, what's going on
.
And then, yeah, I just that's awhole nother story in the in
the the psychiatric, because Ireally saw some stuff and I was
like, yeah, I think I'm justcrazy and just I want to get out
of here.
And the only way for me to beable to get out was the
therapist made me confront theperson that was making me feel
(28:01):
the way I felt.
So they would bring, bring himin, and and he's just sitting
there like she just needs tocome home and get to the kids.
And I'm like, and I'm jumpingacross the couch still trying to
kill him.
And they was like, yeah, you'reher problem and you're not
helping her.
So, yeah, she has to stay inhere a little longer.
And I'm like I want to go home.
(28:21):
And it was more so like, listen, anna Mae, get it together.
I can't be here with these kidsall day.
Figure it out so you can gethome.
And I'm just like God and Ijust felt like, yeah, I'll stay.
You know, I'm going to stay inhere and I had a peace of mind
while I was in there and I woundup counseling the other people
in there, trying to help themout.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
I wound up causing chaos.
Speaker 5 (28:41):
It was just, oh, I caused chaos in there and they
was like, yeah, she need to goum, but um, yeah, they like
kicked me yeah, I was like, yeah, um, because there was this one
girl who had never looked atherself in the mirror like she
had.
She, she has had this thing withmirrors.
And she was saying, like whatare these things on my teeth?
She had braces and I was likethey're braces.
(29:01):
And she said what do I looklike?
I said you're pretty and you'retall and you're slim, you have
long hair, you have big, prettyeyes.
And she was like and then, um,what is?
And I was like this lady hasnever looked in a mirror.
She was a younger woman.
I was like, well, I don't thinkit'll hurt you.
And then she like, oh, my god,they was like get her out of
(29:23):
here.
She needs to leave like she isshe is doing too much.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Yeah, it was, oh God, You're supposed to be in there
for yourself.
I was helping out.
Speaker 5 (29:31):
I was like, no, it ain't no problem it ain't no
problem with me, we just had aslip-up, we fine.
So.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
I'm just trying to help everybody.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
The turns the story.
You made that story into acomedy.
We were so ready to cry withyou, and then two seconds later
I'm like wait what?
Because I don't want to cry.
Speaker 5 (29:49):
So, yeah, yeah, it's just I didn't have anybody to
talk to, so I think sometimespeople don't talk, they don't
know who to talk to, who let in.
So I think that's just, youjust never know when people are
thinking and where their head isat.
You just don't know.
And it could be the people likeyou said.
Oh, they had a great life, theyseemed happy, and on the inside
(30:10):
you're just like, oh gosh, I'mjust so sick of this life.
You just, I don't know Iovercame it.
I really think it waspostpartum.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Yeah geez.
Speaker 5 (30:20):
But now I'm scared.
I'm like did I pass it on to mykids?
Like I'm always scared that forme to even have that thought
and to go that far that it maybe something that I could
potentially pass on to my kids.
I don't think it would begenetically or anything like
that, but I'm like I don't everwant them to feel like that and
have that thought.
(30:40):
And my one of my, my kids, youknow they're they're mental,
it's not as strong as I wouldlike.
So I'm always like, oh, and I'mso fearful.
When she's like I'm just sickof my kids.
You know their mental is not asstrong as I would like.
So I'm always like oh, and I'mso fearful when she's like I'm
just sick of my life, and I'mlike no, please, god.
And so that triggers me whenshe says that, because I'm
scared and I'm like I don't knowwhat.
I was like Do you want to gosee a doctor?
And I was like do you want to?
I got somebody you can talk tofind someone for her to talk to.
(31:08):
And I'm like I know you don'twant to talk to me, but you can,
but she doesn't want to.
And I'm like well, I can putyou in therapy.
I can, and she's in therapy,but I'm like, what is he saying
to you?
Because you're still likefreaking out about stuff and I
think as a therapist I felt likehe should be helping her out
more.
She just the kids call themcrash outs where they just go
crazy.
And I'm like you, you know, I'malways saying you're beautiful,
you're successful, and stop.
(31:28):
I feel like social media isputting a lot of pressure on
these young adults becausethey're looking at kids their
age that might live in a highrise and drive.
And I'm not where I need to bein my life.
I'm just sick of this life andI'm like, please, god, stop
saying it, no, please, and stopputting that pressure on
yourself.
You are doing great the way youare and just it's so stressful
(31:49):
with kids, just, and I'm alwaysjust imploring her Please, talk
to me, please talk to me.
If you don't want to talk to me, go talk to your siblings or
it's just, it's scary.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
If they're going through something we have never
gone through with social media.
Yeah, it's like hard to addressthat.
Speaker 5 (32:05):
I don't know what don't say if you haven't been
there.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
Yeah, like every day, we're not on our phones.
We talk to each other.
We went outside and played, butnow every day they're on the
phone or a laptop or somethingjudged by the world, yeah and is
this?
Speaker 1 (32:17):
it's different you guys have younger children even
I mean, you have young adults,but you, you have a young adult
daughter, but but you also havea teenager.
You know she's still a teen, soI can't imagine motherhood at
this age I'm glad mine's alittle bit older.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
But do you remember the I think I said it to all of
us in one of our group feedswhere there was a mom who was on
TikTok or something and sheactually said that she's
traumatized at being a mom as anwith adult kids now older kids
because she said she thoughtthat at a certain age, when they
(33:00):
graduated, turned 18 orwhatever, it shut off and she
said so her thing is, I'm stillevery single day realizing for
the rest of my life.
Every time one of them have anissue, I'm the person they call
and while I love them.
It feels like it's a dumpingground and if you, if you can't
(33:21):
help, almost you just feel soguilty and she's like I feel
like I have PTSD from being amom.
Yes, I mean, but like I reallycould relate to her when she was
saying that it's like how doyou, how do we?
Turn it off is the wrong term,so I don't mean turn it off, I
(33:42):
think you're all the parentslove your children but like, how
do you just breathe?
How do you?
You go on with your life,understanding.
And what are the words that yousay?
The terms, the, the boundary,the what in love?
Speaker 4 (34:00):
well, we train people how to treat us.
So if that individual, so ifthat individual becomes used to
(34:24):
the fact that sometimes mama isnot available to me as her adult
child, she loves me, but shehas these other identities
identity as a businesswoman,identity as a social person,
identity as a spiritual person,whatever these other hats are.
If you've had that conversationwith your adult child, they
understand it's not about you.
It doesn't mean that my lovefor you shuts off.
It doesn't mean that I don'thave your back if you really
need me.
It does mean that you're notgoing to always be able to reach
me right exactly the minutethat you need to reach me, and
(34:45):
that's still okay because I haveequipped you with what you can
do until you get with me and youhave other supports.
You have a village, hopefully.
If there's not a village inplace, okay, that's step one you
got to put some other people inplace, but other than that, you
set the boundaries and you turnit off by turning on some of
(35:08):
the things going on with thoseother identities understood
sometimes it's hard to setboundaries with your adult
children, with your children,because I just got a voicemail
the other day because I've setboundaries.
Speaker 5 (35:20):
you guys figure it out.
That's my thing now, because Iknow I've done what I needed to
do and I'm not going to be asaccessible to you.
But then I'll get a voicemail,a message on my phone.
I don't care if you're on adate, you answer the phone for
us and I'm like they're bullyingme, like I'm being like cyber
bullied from my kids because Iset that boundary, and I'm like
(35:41):
well, how did you respond?
Speaker 4 (35:43):
My girl, please, and.
Speaker 5 (35:44):
I'll clap my phone and put it up.
Respond, my girl, please.
And I'll clap my phone and putit up.
No, no, you're gonna be okayand I never.
I didn't respond, but I'm like,how dare you like?
And that's that, thatentitlement.
And because I've set thisboundary, um, and I did the
other day just text, did a groupchat I have a group chat with
my kids and I was like I'm soproud of the adults that you
(36:05):
guys have become and that you'reso self-sufficient and you're
making things happen on your own.
Just to kind of push that outthere like don't call me like
you guys are like doing so great.
I love this, just I love you.
Don't call me with.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
these mean messages like yeah, so A little
validation doesn't hurt.
I'm doing some psychology onthem.
I'm like yeah, You're doinggreat.
Speaker 5 (36:31):
Keep doing it, leave me alone.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Well, I think it's great to even acknowledge that
we're not perfect, that we'renot perfect and there's no set
handbook on how to live yourlife, there's no set handbook
how to handle your children,there's no set handbook on how
to be a mother.
And we say this all the timethat you just do the best you
(36:58):
can with the knowledge that youhave at that moment.
And I tell my son that all thetime it's like I didn't, I
wasn't perfect, but I did thebest I could with what I thought
I was doing.
That was, that was what I know.
I knew what to do and you know.
And now you know when they comeback and tell you well, you
know it wasn't that perfect mom,or wasn't that?
Because you cannot tell me.
(37:19):
My son didn't have a greatchildhood.
Now what I?
I always carried a little bitof guilt because he was raised
in more of a single family home.
I was married when we had them,but we divorced when he was
very young.
So I always made sure, I think Iovercompensated to make sure he
always knew he was loved um his.
(37:41):
I wasn't one of those parentsthat you got him every two weeks
or you got him every otherweekend or whatever.
Whenever he said I want daddy,I was like, well, hey, your son
wants you, you know you can go.
I never had him for holidays.
He was never with me for theholidays and I know like at the
time my mother was like he justhad him for Thanksgiving.
He's gone for Christmas.
(38:02):
I was like hell, yeah, that's abreak for me.
Speaker 5 (38:04):
That's a holiday.
Every day, every day, that's aholiday.
I got it every day.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Let him go.
He would be gone the entiresummer.
He would be gone every singleholiday.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
And part of that also too was.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
I came from a small family and his father was from a
large family.
I can't give him that.
Speaker 5 (38:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
You know what?
Speaker 1 (38:23):
I'm saying that experience that, yeah, you know
what I'm saying.
That experience like I loved mycousins growing up and all
those different.
I couldn't give him that, so Iwanted him to to have all those
experiences.
But I thought, doing the rightthing.
I want you to be able to seeyour dad when you want to.
And then how?
Somehow that was interpreted asif I didn't want you around,
like don't go.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
I can't remember, you know around like oh, go on.
Speaker 4 (38:50):
I can't win for losing you know what?
Speaker 1 (38:51):
I'm saying, but having to explain that to your
child, you know like it's alwaysit's just, parenthood is hard.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Parenthood is hard.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
They don't think you can't win, you can't, you can't
win for losing sometimes whenthey say it's a double-edged
sword.
Speaker 5 (39:07):
No matter which direction you go, it's not
perfect.
I think the younger generationrealizes that parenthood is hard
because they're not havingbabies yeah, they're having.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Yeah, a lot of them don't want kids.
Speaker 5 (39:14):
They are not having children because I want
grandchildren so bad.
You're gonna look at all thecameras yeah, I just.
But my kids are like no, we sawthe struggle you went through
and just all they were like no,please God, I still gave y'all a
great life.
Like I felt like, and maybe forthem it wasn't enough, you know
(39:35):
.
So I'm just like well.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Lola's on hold.
Lola's on hold.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Lola and who is Lola.
Speaker 5 (39:43):
I'm not a grandma, I want to be a Lola.
Speaker 3 (39:45):
A Lola, yeah, I got you.
Speaker 5 (39:47):
Grandma in the Philippines.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Grandma from the Philippines.
I'm not Filipino, but I want tobe a Lola.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
One day, one day.
Speaker 4 (39:56):
One day.
You know, one of the thingsthat I heard between both of you
is the concept of enough.
It doesn't have to beperfection to be enough.
I know, and you can reiteratewith your kids that, no, I
wasn't perfect and yeah, we didhave some bumps here and there,
but it was enough to get youwhere you are.
(40:17):
Thank you, it was enough to getyou where you can make your own
decisions.
It was enough to get you towhere you are.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
You can reiterate that?
Speaker 4 (40:25):
in your mind, to yourself, what I had was enough,
was even even when I didn'tthink it was.
It was enough, where your sonobviously felt open enough to
have certain dialogues with you,tough conversations with you.
Speaker 5 (40:40):
Even it was enough, dang we don't give ourselves
credit, don't give yourself thatpat on the back.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
We're a good mom.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
We're a board, but part of it is when they're
saying it to you it hurts.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Like they done, shot you in the chest.
Speaker 2 (41:00):
It hurts a lot and I think that you can almost relive
it and for me it is okay.
You've said it once, Iunderstand it, I get it, but you
know children will keep tryingto get dead with the exact same
thing over and over again, andso a part of that is being able
(41:21):
to say you know what I genuinelyand with intention, apologize,
forgive myself, and you justhave to move on, because
otherwise you keep stabbingyourself every time you hear it,
and that can be very painful.
Speaker 4 (41:35):
You guys set again boundaries and limits.
We've had this conversation.
What do you need from me?
Moving forward, like, okay, Ican do that, I cannot do that,
you're going to have to findanother source for that.
Just really setting limits andstill saying, okay, but
everything I said that I'm goingto do this is how we're going
(41:55):
to make this work.
And so, even with that, you canstill appreciate their
experience because, however theyinterpreted it or whatever they
thought happened, it hurt.
Yeah, yeah, it hurt.
Like okay, validate thatexperience and, at the same time
, protect what you have, likewhat you need to see and how you
(42:18):
need to live and how youprogress from the experience.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
And I think another part of it is, my mother used to
say this wait until you havechildren yeah, just wait, and so
the fact that they're not, andI'm okay with that, but the fact
that they're not havingchildren, some of these things
they may not ever be able toalign with or really understand.
You know what I mean, because Ido think that's a true
(42:42):
statement some things you don'tunderstand it until you're there
.
Yeah, you know I mean, there'snothing I can do about that but
yeah, because I'm, I'm likeStephanie, I'm not rushing it.
Not that I mean either way.
I just have this thing for methat what they do like the
government almost I don't Ican't tell you what to do with
your body.
I cannot tell them because youknow you can't just drop them
(43:05):
off and never come back.
So because of that I can't tellyou how to do it, when to do it
, and if they choose not to,that's just a personal decision
and I don't have any emotions orfeelings around it at all to be
honest, I mean not that I'm notsensitive to it right, that's
not what I mean.
I'm sure if I had one, they'd beall over the country with me
(43:27):
and my one daughter in Mexicosaid yeah, mom, you'll be here,
you're not taking my child allover the place.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
So you get what I'm saying, but I'm not like oh,
when's it coming, and that typeof thing.
Speaker 2 (43:36):
But so a couple of them don't never really truly
understand that feeling in amotion.
Speaker 3 (43:43):
I feel like we focus on the kids a lot, but we need
to focus going up to our parentsand older people too, how they
are not as open to therapy andsometimes conversations that we
need to have with them.
How do you start thoseconversations with people from
the older generation so theykind of realize where we are and
they can understand where theirgrandkids are and you know the
younger generation is?
Speaker 4 (44:05):
Well, there's some valid gaps there.
I mean in the older generationslook at what they were
experiencing in their lifetime,In their life at that time, I
mean in the older generations,look at what they were
experiencing in their life, intheir life at that time.
I mean the Tuskegee experiment.
You know that didn't instilltrust.
Speaker 5 (44:18):
Yeah right, Professionals.
Speaker 4 (44:21):
So some of those gaps are going to be there.
And then you do have somepeople in older generations who
are more progressive.
You know they're more with it.
They will be swayed to findtrusting individuals, especially
since there's a lot morediversity in the medical
community than what used to bethere 40, 50 years ago.
(44:42):
Yeah, so it just depends.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
I think for when I think of my parents or things
like that, my father's 74 yearsold right now, my mother's
deceased and at some point I hadto just make peace for me that
those experiences got me towhere I am today and as part of
(45:08):
who I am today, and as part ofwho I am today and and having a
conversation really with myselfto try to figure out what my
scars are, sitting down andtalking with the therapist but
I'm not going to be able toresolve those things with my
parents and, to be honest, Idon't want to sit down with my
74 year old dad and talkingabout stuff that happened 30 and
(45:29):
40 years ago, because inreality, my father doesn't have
another 30 to 40 years.
He'll be happy.
I'll unpack my own shit youknow what I'm saying and handle
my own stuff and just continueto try to be the best daughter
that I can be to you.
And, whatever happened, Iforgive you, I forgive myself.
That's part of it.
I forgive myself.
(45:50):
I forgive you Because you justdid the best that you could do
and the realm of things I had agreat childhood.
Of course, there's littlethings here and here and there
and you know what?
Now, as being a parent, Iforgive you, because I'm sure
I'm doing just as bad or worseor you know what I'm saying.
I forgive you and just leavingit at that with my older parents
(46:12):
, but finding that peace for me.
But I don't have to spill thaton him, I don't want to
interrupt his peace he's 74, butwe don't talk about what we did
happen at 12.
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3 (46:23):
he's 74 10 years old.
You know what I'm saying andI'm still carrying this with me.
You know what I'm saying buthe's 74.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
I love you, dad.
I forgive you and that's it.
And for a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
It's just well.
I find that with a lot of folksit's easier to keep just
blaming somebody and carryingthe trauma, because I think some
people are addicted to traumathey choose to carry it, so they
just keep blaming somebody elseinstead of stepping up and
saying I need to deal with this.
I'm an adult, I need to figureit out.
Yeah, address it like kind ofwhat we're doing now and yeah,
(46:58):
and I don't know if that'sreally a thing of addicted to
trauma, you know people somepeople are yes, they are
identity.
I just, I watch people,especially at my age.
I'm watching people and I'mlike this is almost an addiction
for you.
You like this, you like to keepsaying the same thing you like
to feel like you, like thefeeling of not feeling good and
pain and you don't know anything.
(47:19):
Okay, the cycle and I'm justlike because to your point, you
know at a certain age, like mymom, she'll be 81, 81 or 82, but
it's just like I, just I'm notgonna beat you up and hurt you.
Speaker 1 (47:33):
Yes, I'm just not, but I let you choose to get off
the roller coaster I did.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
That's what I say.
I'm the merry-go-round themerry-go-round.
You gotta just choose to getoff the merry-go-round and when
you take a look back at theirlives and what you're going
through now, it's like, oh, Idon't want to get rid of all
that you know you make consciousdecisions and choices about how
relevant it really is now.
(47:58):
What's relevant for me is whatI'm giving to myself, how I
choose to show up, how I chooseto heal, how I choose to
interact and all of those things, and so I forgive her, I
forgive myself, I forgive myself, and move on.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Good job.
Thank you, Dr Bob.
Speaker 3 (48:21):
I was supposed to be in therapy two weeks ago.
Speaker 1 (48:24):
We don't talk Monday, we don't get on the calendar
because I got a whole lot ofstuff.
I don't know if mine isn't asintense as Stephanie's, but it's
up there.
I got a lot going on, well, alot of people underestimate the
power of the present moment.
Speaker 4 (48:39):
Yes, because it's in this moment where you can unglue
yourself from what has happenedand what has been and the
cycles going on.
It's where you can really makethe decision, the actual choice
of how do you want to feel.
Speaker 3 (48:58):
Where do you want to?
Speaker 4 (48:59):
go.
Say that again.
It's in this present momentwhere you can make the decision
of how you want to feel.
Yes, where do you want to go?
Yes, and then you get theresources or the pieces in place
to make that happen you want tofeel happy.
Okay, what makes you happy?
Speaker 3 (49:18):
what makes you happy if you don't?
Speaker 2 (49:19):
know, the answer to that, then okay we do some
homework there.
Speaker 1 (49:23):
All that happens in the present moment oh, I think I
do a good job of it, or I'mtrying.
I'm getting to that Because Ithink I've come to that
realization of that and now it'staken the journey to get there.
To get there Because I love mypeace.
Speaker 2 (49:42):
And I love my joy.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
And I don't want to go backwards Absolutely.
So what do I need to do to makesure it continues and it just
gets better?
Speaker 4 (49:52):
Just to do to make sure it continues and it just
gets better, just practicebecause there's a lot of noise.
What happened before is real.
Speaker 1 (49:55):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (49:56):
The people in your life that trigger you are real.
Yes, all of the stressors arereal.
Speaker 1 (50:01):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 4 (50:03):
They're noise that you have to set limits.
If you can, take breaks awayfrom it, if you can, and just
make a decision that this partor this part of the day or this
hour I'm gonna be here.
Where's here, here's where myfeet are, and wherever my mind
tries to leave, I'm gonna bringthat little puppy back and say
(50:25):
okay we're gonna sit right anddo the work that I need to do so
that I can be okay and I limitmy time with people that, um,
that are stressors for me orjust disruptors or chaos like
they don't know it, because
Speaker 2 (50:43):
I don't think that it's worth sitting down and
having those conversations,especially if they're like
family or somebody close, butI've realized that I've learned
how to limit my time.
I love you.
We'll have quick conversations.
I'm intentional aboutinteracting and connecting on my
terms, but I don't spend a lotof time with those people
(51:06):
because I just choose not togive my energy in those places
and, and I don't even realize itbecause I'm being proactive in
how I manage them.
Because they were managingcrazy emotions in me and I was
like no.
Speaker 1 (51:23):
All right ladies.
Well, I'm going to tell y'allright now, if y'all ain't
subscribed by now, we're justgetting started.
We got a whole lot moreunpacking.
Well, I'm sure we're going tohave to have you come back.
We're going to have to have youcome back again because by next
week we'll have some new shit,something new, something new.
Get Dr Angela back in, butthank you so much for joining us
(51:45):
.
Speaker 4 (51:45):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (51:46):
So much for joining us.
Speaker 1 (51:48):
And I hope this gives people like we always say, you
never know what people are goingthrough and I hope this gives
people, especially people in theblack community, to know that
therapy is is much needed.
It's much needed as I don'tthink it's as taboo as it used
to be, and whatever you need todo to find that peace and that
joy in your happy space and yourhappy place and what we say
(52:11):
live in the present.
To find your, your happiness inthe moment, in the present, do
what you got to do and if that'sthere because dr angela, dr
angela.
Actually, how do they, how canthey find you?
Speaker 4 (52:22):
they can google my name.
I'm have a website, uh,wwwangelamontfortcom, that's
m-o-n-T-F-O-R-T.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
Thank you All.
Right, dot com, and she isright here in Atlanta.
But you do virtual too, I do,she does virtual too, so y'all
make sure you guys contact DrAngela, because we will be
Stephanie, we will, we will beand I will be contacting you
Monday because I've beensupposedly coming to see you for
the longest we can get on theschedule because I got a lot of
(52:53):
stuff.
But thank you guys for joiningus.
And this is Allegra, withTimeless and Unfiltered.
This is Stephanie, this isCharisse, this is Evania, and
we're going to keep on spillingthe tea on Midlife, one laugh at
a time.
You guys make sure you gosubscribe.
Thank you guys, and thank you,dr Angela.
Thank you.
I was having a great day sitting at my desk and I got
a phone call from a person theperson.
All I did was see the name comeup on my phone and I felt it
the moment I saw the name ringon my phone, the anxiety my
chest tightened.
I started sweating.
I got an instant headache,because I already know if I
answer that phone, it's neverpositive.
(00:22):
I realized that the stress thatwas on me wasn't even mine, but
it was affecting me physicallythe moment I said no more.
I haven't had a migraine in thelast couple of years.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
All those symptoms.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I was physically making myself sick.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
You know why your mind goes to a positive place
and you take your body with it.
That's why mindfulness works.
In this present moment, you canmake the decision of how you
want to feel.
Speaker 5 (00:49):
Yes, this is Legra.
This is Stephanie.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
This is Cherie and this is Ivanya.
This is Cherie.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
And this is Evanya.
And this is Timeless andUnfiltered, where we are
spilling the tea on midlife, onelaugh at a time.
Hey everybody, welcome toanother episode of Timeless and
Unfiltered.
I am Legra, I'm Stephanie.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
I'm Legra, I'm Stephanie, I'm Charisse and I'm
Evania and you'll probablynotice we got a special guest on
the couch, but before that, wewould like you to please follow
us, subscribe, like us on allplatforms so you can get all
this great content every weekstraight to you.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Hello hello, hello.
Well, Charisse, I'm going tolet you introduce our special
guest.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Oh, hello, well, charisse, I'm gonna let you
introduce our special guest.
Oh, I'm so excited to actuallyintroduce Dr Angela Monfort.
Who is?
She probably don't want me tosay this, but she's actually my
personal therapist.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
And soon to be mine.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
So let me just give you some information on Dr
Monfort.
It's a lot, but I'm just gonnaread a little bit.
Dr Angela Monfort, phd, lpc,ncc these acronyms NCC.
Speaker 4 (02:09):
Nationally Certified Counselor, okay and CPSC
Certified ProfessionalCounseling Supervisor.
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Don't say what I'm saying.
Go on girl, go on girl.
What was the LPC?
No tags.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
Licensed Professional Counselor.
Okay, I'm both a licensedprofessional counselor and a
licensed psychologist.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Okay, there we go, love it, get her accolades,
gotta get those accolades.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Credentials she was a licensed psychologist and
private practice in Buckhead inAtlanta, georgia.
She has 20 years of combinedexperience as a therapist,
career consultant and supervisorin various mental health
settings.
But I did notice because, um,you've got um a lot of over the
years.
(02:50):
But what I was actually excitedabout was it said on here that
you're working on a book aboutbody image issues experienced by
women of color yes, so veryexcited about it too.
Yeah, I was excited about it, toread it.
We just have stuff we need topack up, just get right to it.
Speaker 5 (03:11):
We need you, we need you.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We was literally talking about childhood, just
childhood traumas, things thatwe've gone through, and being at
a point where we're middle-agedand just now being able to
unpack things and understand,and so I think we're just kind
of wanting to understand why solate, why are we doing it now,
(03:35):
why are we trying to figure thisout?
now and not only that, but interms of trauma, how do we get
to the place of understanding itfor others, understanding it
and then getting what we need sothat we can get past it and
live productive lives?
And one of the other things wetalked about is the things that
(03:57):
we really pass on to ourchildren because we didn't have
a clue until they told us and ithurt, yeah, and we try to deal
with it, and so what we're, whatwe're trying to do, is, for the
folks who are where we are, ourmiddle-aged platform how do
they get to it and then forgirls who are younger, young
women who are younger, to haveyoung kids where do they start?
(04:19):
What do they do and why don'twe?
What is it that's stopping usfrom?
Speaker 4 (04:27):
they do, and why don't we?
What is it that's stopping usfrom doing it sooner?
Well, that's a really heavy andvery rightfully asked question.
You have to understand thattrauma happens in a context you
know, we don't control when ithappens and likewise we don't
control when we deal with it.
For some people the trauma isvery close to the surface and
they just can't have it notimpact their lives.
(04:48):
So the re-experiencing is there, the reactions are there, the
flashbacks are there.
Whatever symptomology that theystruggle with, it is front and
center.
For the larger majority, youhave trauma symptomology that is
more subconscious.
It still impacts the way wefunction, but in a way that's
(05:10):
much more covert.
So for these individuals it'snot really known just how much
is impacting your life.
So you may not know that there'san impact to a child.
You may think it's normal andnot even be aware that.
Wow, every time the child makesa reference to this sort of
(05:30):
trigger, I react that awarenessmay not be there.
For those who it is who areaware of that, they usually get
help.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Hopefully.
Speaker 4 (05:41):
They will get help.
But you can't really blameyourself if you don't have the
awareness, Because most of thetime life doesn't pause because
something bad happened.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Very true, it does not.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
You're keeping it moving and as long as you're
holding it together, the lightsare on.
You got your job or you gotyour man, you got your kids.
Whatever it is that you'retrying to keep in the flow, as
long as it's moving.
That's the object, object ofthe game and that's where the
focus is that that statementsaid a lot by itself.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Like I'm sitting here , I'm processing going I'm
trying to make a better effortof listening and stop being so
reactionary.
That's been a a big thingbetween me and my son, Because
when he does tell me somethingthat I've said or I've done that
has impacted him negatively,I'm already on the defensive and
(06:34):
I'm already trying to explainwhy.
And he hasn't even gotten outeverything he wanted to say to
me first.
But he and I have.
He's more the adult I'm thechild in this relationship.
And I don't know if that's justyoung people or what, but he's
so aware of our conversationsand he's very intentional when
(06:58):
he speaks to me.
But part of that is to guesswhat my son is in therapy, mama
not.
Speaker 4 (07:04):
He's in therapy.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
So he's learning how to communicate better with me.
And so sometimes, when we haveour conversations and I'll start
to speak and say hold on, justgive me a moment, let me, let me
get this out, let me let me saywhat I need to say first and
then then you can tell mesometimes who are you talking to
first and then.
Then you can tell, and I saidsometimes, who are you talking
(07:26):
to, because you know, becauseyou're the parent, but I I have
to say, okay, wait, yeah, I'm,I'm already ready to defend
myself because he's sayingsomething that's I don't want to
hear, or that is is hurtful tome, or I didn't do something
right, whatever right is.
You know, but our relationshiphas gotten better, honestly,
since he's been in therapy.
So now it's like you know what,allegra, it's time for you to
(07:48):
go to therapy, because some ofthe things that he said he can't
be wrong all the time.
Apparently, the way I'mcommunicating with him doesn't
feel comfortable to him and Ineed to figure out why I'm
communicating with him that way,you know but yeah kids hurt,
hurt your feelings you hurt yourfeelings and you're already
(08:09):
ready to attack, or to defend
Speaker 3 (08:12):
yourself, and I think sometimes I don't listen well,
and it's taking me a minute toget there, to realize I don't
listen.
Communicate and listen because,like how you said, when
sometimes somebody's talking toyou so you're remembering what
they said, so I can respond backto that sometimes you tune out
everything else so now I'mfocused on this one thing and
that's what I hear.
And I'm upset and I'm madbecause you said this one thing
and I probably didn't hear itthe way you meant to say it, but
(08:32):
now I'm not listening toeverything else you said.
I realize I do this and I'mlike focused on this and I'm mad
and you've said all this othergood things and I focus.
One thing I think is negativehow do you train yourself to
listen so you hear everythingand then, if you have a response
, would you wait till the end soyou can say everything you need
to say in response and not beso defensive?
Speaker 4 (08:52):
In this culture.
Believe it or not, most peopleare not really good listeners.
I believe it.
What you described is reallynormative.
In other cultures it isconsidered more of a show of
respect when there's a pausebefore responding yes, and
Western culture is more lookedat as a negative, like maybe
(09:14):
you're slow or maybe you're notvery intelligent or not with it
or something or not forthright.
It really does just take beingaware and training yourself to
just really consider what washeard before you respond the
other piece of that I'll sayquickly is a virtue of safety.
It's going to be really hard tojust pause and be that like with
(09:38):
it if you don't feel safe ifyou already feel judged, if you
already feel like, if the stakesare high, if I say the wrong
thing, then all of that it'sgoing to make it hard to just
override what you naturally dothat's good that's why, feeling
safe is so important.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Yes, you said something earlier that actually
made me think um, and what yousaid is we're paying our light
bills.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
We're you know, we're focused on our families.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
We're just living, and so I guess part of I don't
know you're the expert here, butI'm assuming a part of not
getting therapy or just thinkingabout what needs to happen is
because we're just on that trainjust trying to get to the next
(10:30):
point.
So I think, as we sit here atMidlife we've talked about well,
now it's quiet, the kids aregone.
You know we have time now.
We're starting to think aboutour future, so we have more
quiet time and maybe that's whywhy it bubbled up for me.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
possibly very possibly again, keep in mind you
got several layers here.
You got what's going on in yourlife individually, you've got
who's around you, managing that,you've got the responsibilities
of life, and then you've gotthe larger around you, managing
that.
You've got the responsibilitiesof life, and then you've got
the larger context, for example,how the world views therapy,
(11:11):
and pull it back down to amicrocosm of that, how people of
color view therapy.
How women of color view therapy.
I mean for the longest therapyin the black culture.
Come on Right, it's becomingmore common.
Speaker 5 (11:32):
I believe, the more you put it out there and people
speak of their journeys and howthey've been healed, I think
people are more open to going totherapy.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Because I keep saying I'm going to go to therapy.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
We're waiting on you to go to therapy, girl.
My life is is so much going onyou say come to the side of the
light.
Speaker 5 (11:49):
I keep saying I'm gonna do it, but I just feel
like, like you said, everythingis just moving and I'm just like
, okay, at some point and I amgetting to a point where I'm
sitting to myself really, butnot really, because I still got
a million things going on and inmy quiet time my therapist has
been that man upstairs for- awhile, but I do feel like a lot
(12:12):
of times I need reinforcementsbecause I know my friends
probably get tired of hearing mystuff.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Oh no, we never get tired of hearing the stories and
I'm like I know I'm wearingthem out.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
I need to go talk to somebody else, so that's
something I'm looking to do?
Speaker 3 (12:23):
If you felt sick you felt physically sick you would
schedule a doctor's appointmentso if you feel like, there's
some type of turmoil inside.
Speaker 5 (12:29):
You need to schedule an appointment with a therapist
I would need to, because what Irealize is all the stuff that I
I hold on to is impacting mephysically yes, like now I'm
being diagnosed with issues,because stress and everything
I'm holding on to and I'm like,oh my gosh, no, that's really so
real.
So I'm like, yeah, I got tocalm down and just figure out
(12:53):
how to unpack without hurtingpeople, because that's to a
point where I want to hurtpeople verbally but I don't
Because.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I've evolved from the person that.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I was.
Speaker 5 (13:08):
So I just keep things at bay, but it's just like
really tearing me up on theinside.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Sometimes it's not worth it too, Because you said
they don't have anything to lose.
Speaker 5 (13:19):
They don't, oh gee, but it's so hard, it's a process
, god, can you help me?
Help me please.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
You've got a new counselor right here.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
She's like yes, I'm sitting here looking at a volume
.
Who is this person?
I'm evolving, no, but I knowhow stress can really mess with
you physically.
I'm 47.
I got shingles at 46.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
I shouldn't have shingles at 46.
I got shingles at 46.
I shouldn't have shingles at 46.
I have shingles, that's why I'mstressed.
I had them popped up threeyears ago.
That's stress, shingles.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
And my hair is green Like stress is my heart rate.
Sometimes I feel it's like myanxiety, like all that stuff,
and I know that stress is workstress, relationship stress,
parenthood stress it's like allthat stress.
So now I try to deal with it indifferent ways.
We talked about sometimes thedifferent ways we use for self
care and wellness and all thatstuff and breathing and just
trying to take a step back anddoing nothing.
(14:13):
So I know that that's important,but getting it out and speaking
to somebody I know is importantas well.
Speaker 5 (14:18):
Yeah, I think that's better than taking medication,
cause I think a lot of times thesymptoms of your stress well,
here, take this pill, it'll calmyou down.
And here, go, take this twice aday.
And it's like no, maybe I needto holistically, maybe, yeah,
sit and talk to someone before Iactually start taking
medication, because maybe it'sjust something I need to unpack
(14:39):
or learn ways to woosah a littlebetter, as opposed to just
throwing a pill in your mouth.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
I will say it depends , because keep in mind that the
body only has one response tostress and it doesn't matter
whether or not the stress is abear charging at you or the
stock market falling orsomething happening in your
family.
Those stress hormones likecortisol does damage in the body
because your body is not meantto be activated as much as it is
(15:12):
.
Like in caveman times, therewasn't a bear every day.
Speaker 5 (15:15):
Right.
Right now there's somethingEvery day, every day.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Yeah, and sometimes your body takes a hit and it
doesn't bounce back as fast.
That makes sense.
With anxiety stressing theheart, Sometimes you do kind of
get in that window where theorgans actually do start to get
a little bit weakened.
If that's not the case, then,yes, get into the root of it
(15:42):
will definitely help and you andyou won't really need the
medications anymore right I'vehad clients with chronic anxiety
that felt they were alwaysabout on the verge of having a
heart attack when they'velearned to use coping mechanisms
like deep breathing meditationexercise.
They don't need anything to calmtheir anxiety anymore normal
xanax or anything like that thatmakes sense.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
But again, I think um , like you said, a lot of it too
is recognizing.
There's an issue and I knowwe've talked about it before um
a lot of stress comes from yourfamily oh yeah you know, my
family currently is dealing witha major issue with a family
(16:25):
member not certain if it's amental issue, if it's mental
health, not certain if it's adrug issue.
But that is causing a lot ofstress in our family.
But I noticed it personally.
There was a time, remember, Iwas sickly all the time.
I had a migraine.
I used to suffer from migraines, and I say used to, because I
(16:46):
was taking medication.
I had been to the doctor.
I always had digestive issues.
Stomach upset all the time.
Everything, and literally.
I was having a great daysitting at my desk and I got a
phone call from a person theperson and all I did was see the
(17:07):
name come up on my phone and Ifelt it because I was having a
really great day.
I was doing whatever I was doing.
I was at my desk and the momentI saw the name ring on my phone
, the anxiety, when I tell you,it's almost if there was a such
thing as an instant heart attackand that just instantly went
away.
It was almost like say, hey,that's it, this is your issue,
(17:28):
this is your source.
Right here, my chest tightened,I started sweating, I got an
instant headache just fromseeing that name come on my
phone, because I already know ifI answer that phone, it's never
positive.
It's never positive, it'salways on 10.
(17:49):
It's always an emergency.
It was going to shift my wholeday and I remember staring at
the phone and I didn't answer itand I sat there and I said,
okay, you have to stop, you haveto stop.
And then I realized that thestress that was on me wasn't
even mine I was taking onsomebody else's stress and
(18:09):
because, as your family member,I love you so I'm gonna okay
when.
When they call, I'm gonna answerthe call.
When they come over, I'm gonnasit and listen.
And it was pouring over me, butit was affecting me physically
and and the moment I said nomore.
I haven't had a migraine in thelast couple of years.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
My digestive like all those symptoms.
I was physically making myselfsick, and it wasn't even my
stress.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
Putting up that boundary by not answering the
call?
Yes.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Yes, and literally that was my aha, my aha moment
and my life.
But it's amazing too how, whenyou do put that boundary up,
when I say, it's almost like thewhole atmosphere shifted you
know what I'm saying All the youdon't ever feel like you're a
magnet for negativity sometimes,but the moment you say no more,
(19:02):
well, well, where did thenegative stuff go?
It like it.
Not just that one incident, orthat one person everything
shifted.
It's like you said no moreuniverse.
I'm not taking this on anymoreand everything shifted and it's
like a whole different world youwant to know why no well, tell
me, doc, because your mind goesto a positive place and you take
(19:27):
your body with it.
Speaker 4 (19:30):
That's why mindfulness works.
If you're thinking of like avery calm place, like, imagine,
like whatever is your place,like a beach or wilderness,
whatever it is.
If you're thinking of thatspace, notice that your
breathing is going to change.
Whether or not you have tensionin your shoulders or in your
back, that's going to shift.
(19:51):
The tension in your muscles, inyour stomach, especially around
the abdomen, is going to relax,because your mind went to a
positive place and so your bodywent there.
But when your mind goes to astressful place, it takes it
there too, and that's where youget all of that symptomology the
tightness, the muscle aches,the digestive issues, the nausea
(20:11):
the headaches.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Wow, that's why, wow, I'm telling you everything has
just shifted and great thingsstart coming to you.
That you're not even lookingfor it's just great things start
coming to you that you're noteven looking for.
It's just great things startcoming to you.
But a lot of times I think aswomen, as nurturers, as mothers
or whatever we take on thatnurturing role.
(20:33):
But you've got to learn how toput those boundaries up and
especially when it startsaffecting you physically.
I was sick all the time, allthe time, and couldn't figure
out why.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
I think sometimes, as women, we're trained to take it
on because they think we canalways handle it.
Yeah, we're strong, like we cantake on whatever the kids have
going on.
They always come to us becausethey know we can handle it.
But who do we go to when weneed somebody?
To Dr Moffitt, it would be alaughing Dr.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Moffitt, I'm telling you, and.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
I don't know how you do it.
Well, I guess you don't take iton, but listening to all these
things, does that affect you atall?
I'm like, do you need acounselor?
Speaker 4 (21:09):
Yeah, I am all about it.
I have definitely used therapyoff and on in my lifetime, for
sure.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Wow, that's great, because I'm human.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Yeah, I can say that just over the years I've kind of
heard a lot, so it just I justdon't carry it the same way.
But yeah, therapists are human.
Speaker 5 (21:31):
So I have a question, Nevermind.
No she may not be able toanswer If.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
I can, I'll let you know.
Speaker 5 (21:42):
Because so do people come and talk to you and say,
for instance, yeah, I want tokill my wife.
I think about it every day.
What do you do with that?
Like I would take that like mynerves.
I would go home and I'd be likeI probably need to say
something Like how do you handlehearing everything from
(22:05):
everyone?
Because I think I feel likethat's a lot for you to carry.
That's why I was like do you goto a therapist too?
Because I think we had aconversation where we were
saying, like law enforcements,counselors, emergency room
doctors they need to speak totherapists too, because on a
day-to-day they hear they takeon a lot and it's just like okay
(22:25):
, how are you guys unpacking?
I mean yeah, guys, unpacking, Imean yeah, so it's just, I feel
like everybody needs therapy,that's some kind of way but um I
just wonder how do you dealwith it?
Speaker 4 (22:46):
I mean, you have keep in mind I've worked in so many
different settings.
I've worked in psychiatrichospitals, I've worked at Grady.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I've worked in private practice.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
I've worked in college counseling centers.
So, I mean those that areunstable.
Yeah, they will have certainfixations of killing someone or
doing something, and I'm amandated reporter.
I get the proper enforcementsinvolved like the proper law
enforcements or whateverinvolved if there is an imminent
(23:16):
threat.
As far as the psychologicalside of it, it's just the way
you frame it.
That's an individual that isunder threat, and so it becomes
less about the content and moreabout how can I create, help
this patient or this client,create safety mm-hmm that's what
it comes about, and that's whyI say it's.
(23:38):
Therapists are human and I'mhuman.
Certainly I'm, yeah, but itdoesn't.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
I don't hear it the same in lameness ears as I do
professionally, and I don't hearit the same in layman's ears,
as I do it professionally and Idon't hear it the same oh wow, I
have a question too.
I know well.
I'm not sure if it's more sonow, but it seems like suicides
are going up now and you'reespecially in younger and
younger people and and sometimesI think we look at it, it's
like really the person had agreat life, like everything was
(24:04):
going right for them.
And with our kids, likesometimes I deal with this, with
my teenager being fearful thatyou know, maybe I can't say
something to them the right waybecause you don't know how
they're going to react.
And I may be off base, butthere's always that fear in my
mind that you know, I don't knowwhat's going to set them off
(24:24):
and like how do you deal withthat?
Or how do you suggest talkingto people who you may think have
, well, I guess, suicidaltendencies or just kind of?
Speaker 4 (24:33):
either generally.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
Yeah, maybe not as stable, but you know, you know
it could happen, but you're notsure.
Speaker 4 (24:39):
The best thing I would recommend is whether or
not you can do it or getsomebody else to do it.
It's just make sure thatthere's somebody asking like,
hey, how you doing?
You, you have any thoughts.
It seems like you're stressinghow you dealing with that, just
getting them talking about it,removing that stigma.
That is not oh.
(25:00):
It's okay to say you're notokay, okay, yes.
That is number one, because alot of times people do not have
that freedom to not be okay andthere's a lot of pressure,
especially with these teenagersin high school.
I mean, life is moving so fastand they're still caught up
between transitioning from beinga young adult to adult, or a
(25:23):
child to this, and they stillhave the pressures of an adult,
maybe very stressful academia.
So that's just a lot going onfor teenagers and anxiety has
really spiked, yeah as a verycommon diagnosis.
So best thing to do is talk,listen for the cues, the how are
(25:46):
they managing?
Like responsibilities.
Is anything falling through thecracks?
Are they sleeping?
Are they eating?
Just having eyes on themshowing support?
Those are the three things thatI would recommend, asking point
blank.
How are you Keep?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
eyes on them, so that , if they don't, know that they
are right, you will at leastknow, and then, lastly, just
show love.
Speaker 4 (26:10):
We just need love.
Speaker 5 (26:12):
I think sometimes people don't talk.
I went through a situationwhere I tried to take my life
and because I didn't have anyoneto talk to, I was secluded from
my friends, family and it wasjust I think it was more so
postpartum depression because Ijust had a baby and I just was
overwhelmed it's like oh, I gotall these kids, I'm by myself, I
(26:35):
don't have anybody to talk to.
You know, all my friends wereworking.
I was like a stay at home mom,and then my relationship was
crazy because he was justrunning around doing just stupid
shit and I was just like I wasjust so tired.
It was like I was tired and Ineeded somebody to talk to.
And I didn't have anybodybecause I didn't want to be a
burden, you know, dropping like,and they'd be like, well, you
decided to have them kids, soyou just.
(26:56):
And so I was like, yeah, Idon't want to hear that.
And I was just, I was tired andI just took a bunch of pills
and I was like, lord, okay,somebody just please take care
of my kids, make sure my kidsare OK.
And it was the craziest thingbecause my sister that I didn't
talk to that often, justhappened to call and I guess I
was on my way out and I answeredthe phone.
(27:18):
I don't know what I said on thephone, but she was in another
state and I guess she was likesome, she sounds crazy,
something wrong with her.
And she called the police andthen they came and got.
I woke up at southern regional,handcuffed to a uh bed.
Um, because I guess they commit.
They call it a crime when youtry and I didn't.
You know, I'm young like I'mgonna protect you too yeah, and
(27:40):
I wake up and I'm like what,what's going on, what's going on
.
And then, yeah, I just that's awhole nother story in the in
the the psychiatric, because Ireally saw some stuff and I was
like, yeah, I think I'm justcrazy and just I want to get out
of here.
And the only way for me to beable to get out was the
therapist made me confront theperson that was making me feel
(28:01):
the way I felt.
So they would bring, bring himin, and and he's just sitting
there like she just needs tocome home and get to the kids.
And I'm like, and I'm jumpingacross the couch still trying to
kill him.
And they was like, yeah, you'reher problem and you're not
helping her.
So, yeah, she has to stay inhere a little longer.
And I'm like I want to go home.
(28:21):
And it was more so like, listen, anna Mae, get it together.
I can't be here with these kidsall day.
Figure it out so you can gethome.
And I'm just like God and Ijust felt like, yeah, I'll stay.
You know, I'm going to stay inhere and I had a peace of mind
while I was in there and I woundup counseling the other people
in there, trying to help themout.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
I wound up causing chaos.
Speaker 5 (28:41):
It was just, oh, I caused chaos in there and they
was like, yeah, she need to goum, but um, yeah, they like
kicked me yeah, I was like, yeah, um, because there was this one
girl who had never looked atherself in the mirror like she
had.
She, she has had this thing withmirrors.
And she was saying, like whatare these things on my teeth?
She had braces and I was likethey're braces.
(29:01):
And she said what do I looklike?
I said you're pretty and you'retall and you're slim, you have
long hair, you have big, prettyeyes.
And she was like and then, um,what is?
And I was like this lady hasnever looked in a mirror.
She was a younger woman.
I was like, well, I don't thinkit'll hurt you.
And then she like, oh, my god,they was like get her out of
(29:23):
here.
She needs to leave like she isshe is doing too much.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Yeah, it was, oh God, You're supposed to be in there
for yourself.
I was helping out.
Speaker 5 (29:31):
I was like, no, it ain't no problem it ain't no
problem with me, we just had aslip-up, we fine.
So.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
I'm just trying to help everybody.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
The turns the story.
You made that story into acomedy.
We were so ready to cry withyou, and then two seconds later
I'm like wait what?
Because I don't want to cry.
Speaker 5 (29:49):
So, yeah, yeah, it's just I didn't have anybody to
talk to, so I think sometimespeople don't talk, they don't
know who to talk to, who let in.
So I think that's just, youjust never know when people are
thinking and where their head isat.
You just don't know.
And it could be the people likeyou said.
Oh, they had a great life, theyseemed happy, and on the inside
(30:10):
you're just like, oh gosh, I'mjust so sick of this life.
You just, I don't know Iovercame it.
I really think it waspostpartum.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Yeah geez.
Speaker 5 (30:20):
But now I'm scared.
I'm like did I pass it on to mykids?
Like I'm always scared that forme to even have that thought
and to go that far that it maybe something that I could
potentially pass on to my kids.
I don't think it would begenetically or anything like
that, but I'm like I don't everwant them to feel like that and
have that thought.
(30:40):
And my one of my, my kids, youknow they're they're mental,
it's not as strong as I wouldlike.
So I'm always like, oh, and I'mso fearful.
When she's like I'm just sickof my kids.
You know their mental is not asstrong as I would like.
So I'm always like oh, and I'mso fearful when she's like I'm
just sick of my life, and I'mlike no, please, god.
And so that triggers me whenshe says that, because I'm
scared and I'm like I don't knowwhat.
I was like Do you want to gosee a doctor?
And I was like do you want to?
I got somebody you can talk tofind someone for her to talk to.
(31:08):
And I'm like I know you don'twant to talk to me, but you can,
but she doesn't want to.
And I'm like well, I can putyou in therapy.
I can, and she's in therapy,but I'm like, what is he saying
to you?
Because you're still likefreaking out about stuff and I
think as a therapist I felt likehe should be helping her out
more.
She just the kids call themcrash outs where they just go
crazy.
And I'm like you, you know, I'malways saying you're beautiful,
you're successful, and stop.
(31:28):
I feel like social media isputting a lot of pressure on
these young adults becausethey're looking at kids their
age that might live in a highrise and drive.
And I'm not where I need to bein my life.
I'm just sick of this life andI'm like, please, god, stop
saying it, no, please, and stopputting that pressure on
yourself.
You are doing great the way youare and just it's so stressful
(31:49):
with kids, just, and I'm alwaysjust imploring her Please, talk
to me, please talk to me.
If you don't want to talk to me, go talk to your siblings or
it's just, it's scary.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
If they're going through something we have never
gone through with social media.
Yeah, it's like hard to addressthat.
Speaker 5 (32:05):
I don't know what don't say if you haven't been
there.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
Yeah, like every day, we're not on our phones.
We talk to each other.
We went outside and played, butnow every day they're on the
phone or a laptop or somethingjudged by the world, yeah and is
this?
Speaker 1 (32:17):
it's different you guys have younger children even
I mean, you have young adults,but you, you have a young adult
daughter, but but you also havea teenager.
You know she's still a teen, soI can't imagine motherhood at
this age I'm glad mine's alittle bit older.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
But do you remember the I think I said it to all of
us in one of our group feedswhere there was a mom who was on
TikTok or something and sheactually said that she's
traumatized at being a mom as anwith adult kids now older kids
because she said she thoughtthat at a certain age, when they
(33:00):
graduated, turned 18 orwhatever, it shut off and she
said so her thing is, I'm stillevery single day realizing for
the rest of my life.
Every time one of them have anissue, I'm the person they call
and while I love them.
It feels like it's a dumpingground and if you, if you can't
(33:21):
help, almost you just feel soguilty and she's like I feel
like I have PTSD from being amom.
Yes, I mean, but like I reallycould relate to her when she was
saying that it's like how doyou, how do we?
Turn it off is the wrong term,so I don't mean turn it off, I
(33:42):
think you're all the parentslove your children but like, how
do you just breathe?
How do you?
You go on with your life,understanding.
And what are the words that yousay?
The terms, the, the boundary,the what in love?
Speaker 4 (34:00):
well, we train people how to treat us.
So if that individual, so ifthat individual becomes used to
(34:24):
the fact that sometimes mama isnot available to me as her adult
child, she loves me, but shehas these other identities
identity as a businesswoman,identity as a social person,
identity as a spiritual person,whatever these other hats are.
If you've had that conversationwith your adult child, they
understand it's not about you.
It doesn't mean that my lovefor you shuts off.
It doesn't mean that I don'thave your back if you really
need me.
It does mean that you're notgoing to always be able to reach
me right exactly the minutethat you need to reach me, and
(34:45):
that's still okay because I haveequipped you with what you can
do until you get with me and youhave other supports.
You have a village, hopefully.
If there's not a village inplace, okay, that's step one you
got to put some other people inplace, but other than that, you
set the boundaries and you turnit off by turning on some of
(35:08):
the things going on with thoseother identities understood
sometimes it's hard to setboundaries with your adult
children, with your children,because I just got a voicemail
the other day because I've setboundaries.
Speaker 5 (35:20):
you guys figure it out.
That's my thing now, because Iknow I've done what I needed to
do and I'm not going to be asaccessible to you.
But then I'll get a voicemail,a message on my phone.
I don't care if you're on adate, you answer the phone for
us and I'm like they're bullyingme, like I'm being like cyber
bullied from my kids because Iset that boundary, and I'm like
(35:41):
well, how did you respond?
Speaker 4 (35:43):
My girl, please, and.
Speaker 5 (35:44):
I'll clap my phone and put it up.
Respond, my girl, please.
And I'll clap my phone and putit up.
No, no, you're gonna be okayand I never.
I didn't respond, but I'm like,how dare you like?
And that's that, thatentitlement.
And because I've set thisboundary, um, and I did the
other day just text, did a groupchat I have a group chat with
my kids and I was like I'm soproud of the adults that you
(36:05):
guys have become and that you'reso self-sufficient and you're
making things happen on your own.
Just to kind of push that outthere like don't call me like
you guys are like doing so great.
I love this, just I love you.
Don't call me with.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
these mean messages like yeah, so A little
validation doesn't hurt.
I'm doing some psychology onthem.
I'm like yeah, You're doinggreat.
Speaker 5 (36:31):
Keep doing it, leave me alone.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Well, I think it's great to even acknowledge that
we're not perfect, that we'renot perfect and there's no set
handbook on how to live yourlife, there's no set handbook
how to handle your children,there's no set handbook on how
to be a mother.
And we say this all the timethat you just do the best you
(36:58):
can with the knowledge that youhave at that moment.
And I tell my son that all thetime it's like I didn't, I
wasn't perfect, but I did thebest I could with what I thought
I was doing.
That was, that was what I know.
I knew what to do and you know.
And now you know when they comeback and tell you well, you
know it wasn't that perfect mom,or wasn't that?
Because you cannot tell me.
(37:19):
My son didn't have a greatchildhood.
Now what I?
I always carried a little bitof guilt because he was raised
in more of a single family home.
I was married when we had them,but we divorced when he was
very young.
So I always made sure, I think Iovercompensated to make sure he
always knew he was loved um his.
(37:41):
I wasn't one of those parentsthat you got him every two weeks
or you got him every otherweekend or whatever.
Whenever he said I want daddy,I was like, well, hey, your son
wants you, you know you can go.
I never had him for holidays.
He was never with me for theholidays and I know like at the
time my mother was like he justhad him for Thanksgiving.
He's gone for Christmas.
(38:02):
I was like hell, yeah, that's abreak for me.
Speaker 5 (38:04):
That's a holiday.
Every day, every day, that's aholiday.
I got it every day.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Let him go.
He would be gone the entiresummer.
He would be gone every singleholiday.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
And part of that also too was.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
I came from a small family and his father was from a
large family.
I can't give him that.
Speaker 5 (38:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
You know what?
Speaker 1 (38:23):
I'm saying that experience that, yeah, you know
what I'm saying.
That experience like I loved mycousins growing up and all
those different.
I couldn't give him that, so Iwanted him to to have all those
experiences.
But I thought, doing the rightthing.
I want you to be able to seeyour dad when you want to.
And then how?
Somehow that was interpreted asif I didn't want you around,
like don't go.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
I can't remember, you know around like oh, go on.
Speaker 4 (38:50):
I can't win for losing you know what?
Speaker 1 (38:51):
I'm saying, but having to explain that to your
child, you know like it's alwaysit's just, parenthood is hard.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Parenthood is hard.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
They don't think you can't win, you can't, you can't
win for losing sometimes whenthey say it's a double-edged
sword.
Speaker 5 (39:07):
No matter which direction you go, it's not
perfect.
I think the younger generationrealizes that parenthood is hard
because they're not havingbabies yeah, they're having.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Yeah, a lot of them don't want kids.
Speaker 5 (39:14):
They are not having children because I want
grandchildren so bad.
You're gonna look at all thecameras yeah, I just.
But my kids are like no, we sawthe struggle you went through
and just all they were like no,please God, I still gave y'all a
great life.
Like I felt like, and maybe forthem it wasn't enough, you know
(39:35):
.
So I'm just like well.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Lola's on hold.
Lola's on hold.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Lola and who is Lola.
Speaker 5 (39:43):
I'm not a grandma, I want to be a Lola.
Speaker 3 (39:45):
A Lola, yeah, I got you.
Speaker 5 (39:47):
Grandma in the Philippines.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Grandma from the Philippines.
I'm not Filipino, but I want tobe a Lola.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
One day, one day.
Speaker 4 (39:56):
One day.
You know, one of the thingsthat I heard between both of you
is the concept of enough.
It doesn't have to beperfection to be enough.
I know, and you can reiteratewith your kids that, no, I
wasn't perfect and yeah, we didhave some bumps here and there,
but it was enough to get youwhere you are.
(40:17):
Thank you, it was enough to getyou where you can make your own
decisions.
It was enough to get you towhere you are.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
You can reiterate that?
Speaker 4 (40:25):
in your mind, to yourself, what I had was enough,
was even even when I didn'tthink it was.
It was enough, where your sonobviously felt open enough to
have certain dialogues with you,tough conversations with you.
Speaker 5 (40:40):
Even it was enough, dang we don't give ourselves
credit, don't give yourself thatpat on the back.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
We're a good mom.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
We're a board, but part of it is when they're
saying it to you it hurts.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Like they done, shot you in the chest.
Speaker 2 (41:00):
It hurts a lot and I think that you can almost relive
it and for me it is okay.
You've said it once, Iunderstand it, I get it, but you
know children will keep tryingto get dead with the exact same
thing over and over again, andso a part of that is being able
(41:21):
to say you know what I genuinelyand with intention, apologize,
forgive myself, and you justhave to move on, because
otherwise you keep stabbingyourself every time you hear it,
and that can be very painful.
Speaker 4 (41:35):
You guys set again boundaries and limits.
We've had this conversation.
What do you need from me?
Moving forward, like, okay, Ican do that, I cannot do that,
you're going to have to findanother source for that.
Just really setting limits andstill saying, okay, but
everything I said that I'm goingto do this is how we're going
(41:55):
to make this work.
And so, even with that, you canstill appreciate their
experience because, however theyinterpreted it or whatever they
thought happened, it hurt.
Yeah, yeah, it hurt.
Like okay, validate thatexperience and, at the same time
, protect what you have, likewhat you need to see and how you
(42:18):
need to live and how youprogress from the experience.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
And I think another part of it is, my mother used to
say this wait until you havechildren yeah, just wait, and so
the fact that they're not, andI'm okay with that, but the fact
that they're not havingchildren, some of these things
they may not ever be able toalign with or really understand.
You know what I mean, because Ido think that's a true
(42:42):
statement some things you don'tunderstand it until you're there
.
Yeah, you know I mean, there'snothing I can do about that but
yeah, because I'm, I'm likeStephanie, I'm not rushing it.
Not that I mean either way.
I just have this thing for methat what they do like the
government almost I don't Ican't tell you what to do with
your body.
I cannot tell them because youknow you can't just drop them
(43:05):
off and never come back.
So because of that I can't tellyou how to do it, when to do it
, and if they choose not to,that's just a personal decision
and I don't have any emotions orfeelings around it at all to be
honest, I mean not that I'm notsensitive to it right, that's
not what I mean.
I'm sure if I had one, they'd beall over the country with me
(43:27):
and my one daughter in Mexicosaid yeah, mom, you'll be here,
you're not taking my child allover the place.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
So you get what I'm saying, but I'm not like oh,
when's it coming, and that typeof thing.
Speaker 2 (43:36):
But so a couple of them don't never really truly
understand that feeling in amotion.
Speaker 3 (43:43):
I feel like we focus on the kids a lot, but we need
to focus going up to our parentsand older people too, how they
are not as open to therapy andsometimes conversations that we
need to have with them.
How do you start thoseconversations with people from
the older generation so theykind of realize where we are and
they can understand where theirgrandkids are and you know the
younger generation is?
Speaker 4 (44:05):
Well, there's some valid gaps there.
I mean in the older generationslook at what they were
experiencing in their lifetime,In their life at that time, I
mean in the older generations,look at what they were
experiencing in their life, intheir life at that time.
I mean the Tuskegee experiment.
You know that didn't instilltrust.
Speaker 5 (44:18):
Yeah right, Professionals.
Speaker 4 (44:21):
So some of those gaps are going to be there.
And then you do have somepeople in older generations who
are more progressive.
You know they're more with it.
They will be swayed to findtrusting individuals, especially
since there's a lot morediversity in the medical
community than what used to bethere 40, 50 years ago.
(44:42):
Yeah, so it just depends.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
I think for when I think of my parents or things
like that, my father's 74 yearsold right now, my mother's
deceased and at some point I hadto just make peace for me that
those experiences got me towhere I am today and as part of
(45:08):
who I am today, and as part ofwho I am today and and having a
conversation really with myselfto try to figure out what my
scars are, sitting down andtalking with the therapist but
I'm not going to be able toresolve those things with my
parents and, to be honest, Idon't want to sit down with my
74 year old dad and talkingabout stuff that happened 30 and
(45:29):
40 years ago, because inreality, my father doesn't have
another 30 to 40 years.
He'll be happy.
I'll unpack my own shit youknow what I'm saying and handle
my own stuff and just continueto try to be the best daughter
that I can be to you.
And, whatever happened, Iforgive you, I forgive myself.
That's part of it.
I forgive myself.
(45:50):
I forgive you Because you justdid the best that you could do
and the realm of things I had agreat childhood.
Of course, there's littlethings here and here and there
and you know what?
Now, as being a parent, Iforgive you, because I'm sure
I'm doing just as bad or worseor you know what I'm saying.
I forgive you and just leavingit at that with my older parents
(46:12):
, but finding that peace for me.
But I don't have to spill thaton him, I don't want to
interrupt his peace he's 74, butwe don't talk about what we did
happen at 12.
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3 (46:23):
he's 74 10 years old.
You know what I'm saying andI'm still carrying this with me.
You know what I'm saying buthe's 74.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
I love you, dad.
I forgive you and that's it.
And for a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
It's just well.
I find that with a lot of folksit's easier to keep just
blaming somebody and carryingthe trauma, because I think some
people are addicted to traumathey choose to carry it, so they
just keep blaming somebody elseinstead of stepping up and
saying I need to deal with this.
I'm an adult, I need to figureit out.
Yeah, address it like kind ofwhat we're doing now and yeah,
(46:58):
and I don't know if that'sreally a thing of addicted to
trauma, you know people somepeople are yes, they are
identity.
I just, I watch people,especially at my age.
I'm watching people and I'mlike this is almost an addiction
for you.
You like this, you like to keepsaying the same thing you like
to feel like you, like thefeeling of not feeling good and
pain and you don't know anything.
(47:19):
Okay, the cycle and I'm justlike because to your point, you
know at a certain age, like mymom, she'll be 81, 81 or 82, but
it's just like I, just I'm notgonna beat you up and hurt you.
Speaker 1 (47:33):
Yes, I'm just not, but I let you choose to get off
the roller coaster I did.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
That's what I say.
I'm the merry-go-round themerry-go-round.
You gotta just choose to getoff the merry-go-round and when
you take a look back at theirlives and what you're going
through now, it's like, oh, Idon't want to get rid of all
that you know you make consciousdecisions and choices about how
relevant it really is now.
(47:58):
What's relevant for me is whatI'm giving to myself, how I
choose to show up, how I chooseto heal, how I choose to
interact and all of those things, and so I forgive her, I
forgive myself, I forgive myself, and move on.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Good job.
Thank you, Dr Bob.
Speaker 3 (48:21):
I was supposed to be in therapy two weeks ago.
Speaker 1 (48:24):
We don't talk Monday, we don't get on the calendar
because I got a whole lot ofstuff.
I don't know if mine isn't asintense as Stephanie's, but it's
up there.
I got a lot going on, well, alot of people underestimate the
power of the present moment.
Speaker 4 (48:39):
Yes, because it's in this moment where you can unglue
yourself from what has happenedand what has been and the
cycles going on.
It's where you can really makethe decision, the actual choice
of how do you want to feel.
Speaker 3 (48:58):
Where do you want to?
Speaker 4 (48:59):
go.
Say that again.
It's in this present momentwhere you can make the decision
of how you want to feel.
Yes, where do you want to go?
Yes, and then you get theresources or the pieces in place
to make that happen you want tofeel happy.
Okay, what makes you happy?
Speaker 3 (49:18):
what makes you happy if you don't?
Speaker 2 (49:19):
know, the answer to that, then okay we do some
homework there.
Speaker 1 (49:23):
All that happens in the present moment oh, I think I
do a good job of it, or I'mtrying.
I'm getting to that Because Ithink I've come to that
realization of that and now it'staken the journey to get there.
To get there Because I love mypeace.
Speaker 2 (49:42):
And I love my joy.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
And I don't want to go backwards Absolutely.
So what do I need to do to makesure it continues and it just
gets better?
Speaker 4 (49:52):
Just to do to make sure it continues and it just
gets better, just practicebecause there's a lot of noise.
What happened before is real.
Speaker 1 (49:55):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (49:56):
The people in your life that trigger you are real.
Yes, all of the stressors arereal.
Speaker 1 (50:01):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 4 (50:03):
They're noise that you have to set limits.
If you can, take breaks awayfrom it, if you can, and just
make a decision that this partor this part of the day or this
hour I'm gonna be here.
Where's here, here's where myfeet are, and wherever my mind
tries to leave, I'm gonna bringthat little puppy back and say
(50:25):
okay we're gonna sit right anddo the work that I need to do so
that I can be okay and I limitmy time with people that, um,
that are stressors for me orjust disruptors or chaos like
they don't know it, because
Speaker 2 (50:43):
I don't think that it's worth sitting down and
having those conversations,especially if they're like
family or somebody close, butI've realized that I've learned
how to limit my time.
I love you.
We'll have quick conversations.
I'm intentional aboutinteracting and connecting on my
terms, but I don't spend a lotof time with those people
(51:06):
because I just choose not togive my energy in those places
and, and I don't even realize itbecause I'm being proactive in
how I manage them.
Because they were managingcrazy emotions in me and I was
like no.
Speaker 1 (51:23):
All right ladies.
Well, I'm going to tell y'allright now, if y'all ain't
subscribed by now, we're justgetting started.
We got a whole lot moreunpacking.
Well, I'm sure we're going tohave to have you come back.
We're going to have to have youcome back again because by next
week we'll have some new shit,something new, something new.
Get Dr Angela back in, butthank you so much for joining us
(51:45):
.
Speaker 4 (51:45):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (51:46):
So much for joining us.
Speaker 1 (51:48):
And I hope this gives people like we always say, you
never know what people are goingthrough and I hope this gives
people, especially people in theblack community, to know that
therapy is is much needed.
It's much needed as I don'tthink it's as taboo as it used
to be, and whatever you need todo to find that peace and that
joy in your happy space and yourhappy place and what we say
(52:11):
live in the present.
To find your, your happiness inthe moment, in the present, do
what you got to do and if that'sthere because dr angela, dr
angela.
Actually, how do they, how canthey find you?
Speaker 4 (52:22):
they can google my name.
I'm have a website, uh,wwwangelamontfortcom, that's
m-o-n-T-F-O-R-T.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
Thank you All.
Right, dot com, and she isright here in Atlanta.
But you do virtual too, I do,she does virtual too, so y'all
make sure you guys contact DrAngela, because we will be
Stephanie, we will, we will beand I will be contacting you
Monday because I've beensupposedly coming to see you for
the longest we can get on theschedule because I got a lot of
(52:53):
stuff.
But thank you guys for joiningus.
And this is Allegra, withTimeless and Unfiltered.
This is Stephanie, this isCharisse, this is Evania, and
we're going to keep on spillingthe tea on Midlife, one laugh at
a time.
You guys make sure you gosubscribe.
Thank you guys, and thank you,dr Angela.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com