September 11, 2025 • 23 mins
Hey Bestie! Get ready to laugh out loud with the most hilarious AskReddit stories and funny memes from reddit top posts that will help as a good distraction in this weird world. From ridiculous confessions to outrageous experiences, this video showcases the most side-splitting and entertaining tales from the popular Reddit community. With a collection of funny stories that are both relatable and absurd, you'll find yourself giggling, snorting, and maybe even crying from laughter. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the humor as we dive into the funniest AskReddit stories that will make you laugh and brighten up your day. Take care talk to you soon! xoxo tiredgato.
Chapters00:00 Intro00:24 Free Star for Subscribers!01:24 I woke up and opened my computer to this02:36 Wingmen of AskReddit06:01 TIFU throwing steak out a window12:33 Knowledge is Power and France s is Bacon14:28 TIFU Eatting mushrooms while wife asleep and end up herding his cats21:39 Message for you Bestie
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What is the funniest story you have ever read on Reddit?
Let's talk about it, bestie. Do you want your name on the
(00:25):
Gato wall? The Gato board?
Just comment below. I'll literally just put you on
it, all right, For my audio summers, I'm a clicking the
stars and clicking the board. It's literally free in this
economy. In this economy, Yep, I got to
gang. We have pride.
I think I woke up and opened my computer to this.
(00:50):
This is absolutely fantastic formy audio summers.
I can't explain it. I don't think I can.
Just remind yourself to come back and look at this
screensaver. They change the screensaver in
every icon to a Disney man and they each have names.
(01:11):
Gosh, it disturbs me even when talking and inspired.
Inspired. Oh, it's Gaston.
Wow, I didn't think that was Gaston.
I didn't really watch many Disney movies.
OK, Don't come at me. Don't come at me.
A girl asked if I had a lighter today and I replied sorry, I
don't smoke. What is that even that's it felt
(01:31):
very strange indeed. That's all.
I workout. A stop comment.
I work at a Walmart up here in Canada that is attached to a
mall. There's always this girl that
works somewhere in the food court that seems to never buy
her own cigarettes the first dayshe tried.
Yeah, cuz she works at a she works at a mall.
You think she could afford cigarettes?
She's smart. Honestly the first day she tried
(01:54):
to bum off 1 off of me I startedvaping.
Was so vindictating. Sorry I don't smoke but Nope, I
quit. Exhales plume of vapor.
I bet. I bet this user drives a Subaru
with all that vaping. Another comment, I had an old
homeless woman curse me out whenshe asked for a cigarette and I
(02:15):
told her I don't have any as I was clearly blowing smoke out as
I said it. Good times.
Hey bestie, don't smoke, OK? Smoking is bad, OK?
Or whatever, South Park said. Don't forget to bring a
cigarette or towel. That probably went over
everyone's heads. OK, here's a fun ask Reddit
(02:37):
thread. Wingman of Reddit, what crazy
things have you done to get yourfriends laid?
Top comment. This is 12 years ago by the way.
A little. We're feeling a little nostalgic
today. Back in the day when people used
to actually type full things, myfriend was sleeping over at my
house. My parents and brother were all
sleeping upstairs while we were downstairs watching TV, playing
(03:00):
video games and shits. At around 1:00 AM he asked if
this girl can come over and he really wants to get with this
girl and I don't want to turn him down South.
I agree on the condition that she's quiet.
The three of us are hanging out and I make some excuse to leave
the room so my friend can have some alone time with this girl.
I'm upstairs in my room when I start hearing the the the noises
(03:23):
for my audio stemmers and peoplelistening without headphones.
This is bad news for me but great news for my friends.
He's losing his virginity to a girl he really likes.
I hear stirring in the next roomand I know that they're about of
loud lovemaking. Was woken my parents.
Yikes, what a dumbass. Though the last thing I want is
(03:46):
for my confused father to walk in on my friend fucking this
girl. I just said oops.
Anyways, warning to turn down your your volume because now
it's uncensored My father to walk in on my friend fucking
this girl in my basement. What do I do?
I go to pornhub. Bro this is like a best fucking
(04:07):
friends. I hope we have a update on this
dude's account that he went to his best friend.
He went to this wedding. He was the best man.
Are you kidding me? I hope you read this story.
Oh my gosh, we'll check. Let me finish this.
I go to Pornhub, click on the first video I see, crank that
(04:27):
shit to 100 all my speakers and let it play for three minutes
that my buddy ended up lasting. Bro, have you seen the got to
get that, that one song where they had like all the speakers
and they had it on full volume and all that shit was shaking.
That's all I'm seeing in my headright now.
(04:48):
That's all I'm seeing in my head.
My dad ended up coming into my room discovering the source of
the noise. I even threw in some fapping
motion under the covers. We are going way back with this
old lingo and awkwardly leaving.My buddy ended up having the
best fucking time ever bro, but Jesus.
There were some awkward glances exchanged between my parents and
(05:11):
I the next morning. Edit if I could be talk.
Obligatory I still can't even pronounce the word holy.
Anyways, scratch that. Holy fuck, 52 months of gold I
can spell. I'm really bad at pronouncing.
If I was interviewing you for a job, I would hire you based
strictly on this story. Let's check his account.
(05:33):
I let's see, let's see, let's see if he went just talking
about technology. Ah, sound bars.
Sound bars. At this point, are we sure that
it wasn't a cover up for him liking blasting porn?
Oh my God, doesn't seem like we have any.
Uh, no, there's no update of that.
(05:55):
I hope Opie's enjoying his soundbars to help his other friends.
Today I fucked up by throwing mysteak out a window already.
Last night my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us
over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife
reiterated many times to me justhow important it was to make a
good impression. I already can tell where this
(06:18):
one's going. I scoffed and arrogantly
informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.
My wife's boss is a single lady in her 50s so it was just the
three of us. We chit chatted over drinks and
salads and seemed to be really hitting it off.
She's go to Olive Garden. Good choice.
She laughed at my well time. Perfectly appropriate jokes and
(06:41):
my wife seemed pleased. Wow, what a sentence right
there. That's that lets you know.
Opie's overthinking with that one.
Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak
for each of us. As it began to cut into my
steak, I was discouraged to discover how undercooked the
steak was. Sounds like Olive Garden now.
(07:04):
I've had my fair share of rare steak.
I prefer medium, but I can handle rare.
So she said this was several minutes on a hot grill short of
rare. I probably could have.
Wow, he could have revived the cow.
Probably can still hear it, moo.Instead I sat there fidgeting
(07:25):
with my knife and fork, worryingabout how I was going to get
away with not eating this steak.Being an adult and say this
isn't cooked all the way. Because being an adult it's all
about standing up for yourself and not getting sick and making
sure you are OK mentally and physically.
Claim veganism. No, no, I'd already finished.
(07:48):
Great enthusiasm upon seeing thesteak.
Just then, our Hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take
care of some dessert preparations.
As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open
window of this third story apt, a cartoon light bulb appeared
over my head. What are you going to do, Opie?
(08:09):
Are you going to Oh, you are going to throw it out of the
window? Wow, acting like I didn't even
read the the title. Anyways, I knew I had to be
decisive. Realizing that she could return
at any moment, I committed. I grabbed the steak with my
hand, gently shook off the juice, and executed a perfect
throw right through the center of the open window.
That'd be funny if somebody like, outside like, ran up and
(08:32):
was like, who threw a steak at me?
Here's the big time I effed up. The window wasn't open.
It was the cleanest freaking window you've ever seen in your
life. That is, until my mostly raw
slab of steak slammed up againstit and slowly slid down, leaving
a trail of bloody juice and its wake.
(08:53):
My wife, whose steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of
my predicament, turned, jaw dropped and stared at me like I
was an alien from another planet.
This look then slowly morphed into more of a there is no place
on this planet you can ever hidefrom me expression of demonic
anger. Really bro, that's all you could
(09:17):
figure out? My wife's boss heard the thud of
the steak on the window impact and came quickly.
She took in the scene, the steaksitting on the window sill, my
blood trail, my empty plates, and then gave me a inquisitive,
puzzled look. Why are we eating dinner with
(09:38):
our bosses? Are you getting paid by the hour
on this? Because if not, it sounds like
you're trying to suck up for a promotion, which should never be
an option. Like at all.
Just like that raw steak. I just didn't know what to say.
It felt like a minute minute of silence but was probably 3 or 4
(09:59):
seconds. Finally, the best I could manage
was I. I'm so sorry I'm such a klutz.
I don't know. I was just cutting it and it it
slipped. Just ask my wife.
I really am a klutz, right honey?
No help coming from that direction.
I will clean this up. I can't believe this, I'm so
(10:21):
sorry, etcetera, etcetera. Both women continue to stare at
me like I had escaped from the loony bin as I smeared the blood
around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the stake,
and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation.
I knew no one was buying the story.
I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my
seats and proceeded to eat everybite of that disgusting, cold,
(10:45):
chewy, bloody, raw steak. We're going to check Opie's
account and see if they have like update.
I'm a vegan now after shitting my brains up.
I remain pretty quiet the rest of the evening.
My wife's only two words to me since the incident are I'm fine,
but we know what that means. Too long, didn't read.
(11:05):
Tried to sneakily throw my undercooked steak through an
open window only to find out it wasn't open and edit.
Thanks kind redditors. People were nice to him.
OK update just got the 1st post.I'm fine.
Communication from my wife via text who is at work.
Damn quiet car ride huh? Good news.
(11:26):
Boss's name. And I just had a good laugh over
how much of a fucking idiot you are.
That's that's a wife right there.
I hope you know you will never live this down.
Love you moron. Top comment.
Top comment. Damn, this was 10 years ago.
Top comment 10 years ago. God damn.
One question, Opie. Let's say the window was open
(11:47):
and the steak is gone. She returns a minute later.
What? You just tell her you devoured
it? Yeah, that's kind of normal,
right? Unless like she's really quick
at going to the bathroom and then she finds a weird outdoor
stake outside sometime. Or maybe bears.
A lot of deleted comments obviously from 10 years ago and
(12:08):
it's times like this when you should just fake a seizure.
This comment right here. If life has taught me anything,
never take advice from Reddit. Don't do it, don't do it bestie.
First of all, don't ever do workaffiliated tasks outside of
work, whether it be mentally or physically.
That's all on that one. And to the next, people are
(12:32):
dumb. Knowledge is power Francis
Bacon. Oh, and it takes you to a thread
of the Ask Reddit. What word or phrase did you
totally misunderstand as a child?
OK, knowledge is OK, hold on, let's read it.
Let's read it. When I was young, my father said
to me, knowledge is power. Francis Bacon.
(12:56):
I understood it as knowledge is power, France is bacon.
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the
second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two.
If I said they quote to someone knowledge is power, France is
bacon, they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say knowledge
is power and I'd finish the quote France is bacon and they
(13:18):
wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd.
But agreed. OK, sounds like, but you learned
more than just that. This phrase wasn't what you
thought it was. It's that people don't listen to
you bud. That's a that's a hard pill to
swallow. Good evidence of people are more
obsessed about themselves than you, so do whatever you want to
(13:39):
do. You wouldn't go play Skyrim
without jumping around right andworrying at the MPC's thought
you were weird. I did ask the teacher what did
knowledge is power Francis Baconmean and got a full 10 minute
explanation of the knowledge is power bit but nothing on Francis
Bacon when I prompted further explaining by saying Francis
(14:01):
Bacon in a questioning tone. I just got a yes at 12.
I think people just hate you bro.
I didn't have the confidence to press it further, I just
accepted it as something I neverunderstand.
It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the
penny dropped. I think Francis Bacon would be
an awesome username. Yes, yes it would.
(14:22):
And his motherfucking username is Francis Bacon.
Beautiful. Today I fucked up when the guy
eats mushrooms while his wife isasleep and ends up hurting his
cats. Let's read it.
Today I fucked up secretly eating mushrooms while my wife
was asleep and a house full of cats.
(14:44):
Sounds like a beautiful, beautiful night.
This happened a good long while ago now, so not really today.
It was April when I started thisjourney.
It's a journey. During the winter, I became a
member of a magic mushroom forum.
Oh, this is so 11 years ago. Oh yeah.
And was learning all I could about growing magic mushrooms.
(15:07):
I tried it once before and grew only a yellowish green mush that
smelled of sweaty socks. But this time would be different
people. Americans will do anything but
grow their own food. I had a spore print sent to me
and was off to the races. Oh buckle in, buckle in.
(15:30):
I tried mushrooms once before about 10 years prior and the
experience was rather enjoyable.I have had way too many bad
experiences with LSD to ever think about trying it, and from
what I remembered, the mushroom experience was way less chaotic
and harsh for me than the majority of my acid trips had
been. After following every trip I
(15:51):
would gather in about a month and a half of waiting.
I have viable mushrooms drying in the food dehydrator.
Bro had a setup my whole journeyfrom spore print to fruit was
done for reasons I don't yet have a grasp on.
I don't think you ever will Opie.
Some things just won't have answers.
(16:11):
I was thinking at the time that growing them would impart some
spiritual meaning into my experience.
It had been a long, long time since I had taken any illegal
substances and I wanted it to bea special in some way.
Growing them myself was an attempt at providing that.
I guess. The night I took them I really
wasn't planning on doing so. I was bored out of my wits and
(16:34):
chatting with online friends. I'd told them I was going to eat
my mushrooms but didn't know howmuch to eat without a scale.
I took a few pics of my intendeddose and posted them and
immediately got advice to cut that dose in half.
So with my wife asleep, I went down to the kitchen and made a
concoction of purple slushy and pow powered.
(16:55):
I think he meant powdered, yeah powdered mushrooms and gulped it
down. I came back up and told the
chatters that the deal was done and that I was taking a shower
and wouldn't be back once the fun started.
It's a long story. In the shower about 5 minutes
when I felt like a rush, like I consciousness was being pulled
away from my body. I was fighting to keep it with
(17:17):
me. It felt as though as I had let
it fly away I would have had a full out of body experience.
But for some reason I felt compelled hold on to it.
I quickly turned it. OK, the way this dude has
written things, don't get mad atme, I am trying to translate
this boy's words. OK, it's written a little weird.
(17:38):
I felt compelled held on to it. I quickly turned off the water
and looked down at my feet. They seemed miles away.
That is when it hit me that the shrooms were kicking in.
Out of the shower and I put on the same clothes.
I came in and headed upstairs. The shower is in the basement of
the house and there is a door atthe top of the stairs.
Opening the door, the light fromthe kitchen blasted my eyes and
(18:00):
I got a good gauge of how far along in my experience I was.
I would see that the kitchen floor looks smooth and had a
liquid like texture. This is like literally my
nightmare. But before I could survey any
more, my black cat ran down intothe basements.
I don't want to forget about himdown there and I never really
thought that I could just leave the door open and shoot any
members of our herd that wandered down here after my
(18:21):
trip. I trudged down the stairs after
him and scooped him up and stared back up at the stairs.
Halfway down, a brown blur flew down the stairs as another cat
dove into the basements. I tossed the black one in the
kitchen and went after the brownone first.
Like dribbling all these cats. This is pretty funny.
While picking up a brown one, the black cat came down the
(18:44):
steps again and I scooped him uptoo.
Now I am carrying two cats up the stairs.
That's my type of day. That's my type of day.
At the top of the stairs the door is wide open and I see our
other 3 cats. Bro has like so many cats.
I'm Jealous has come to investigate the commotion.
As I made the final push to the top, they all jumped into action
(19:04):
like they planned it in advance.I started laughing hysterically,
let go of the cats in my arms and sat on the top step as I
watched all the cats bounce downthe stairs.
I found the whole situation so funny.
Here I am coming up hard on mushrooms.
I can feel the confusion building every second and now I
have to figure out a way of getting all 5 cats out of the
basements. By the time I had collected
(19:27):
myself and devised a plan, my face was hot and objects were
starting to move. Why even do psychedelic like
this is scary like hell no just drink until you're like blacked
out Like same effect right? The time dilation had manifested
and minutes were seeming to takelonger and longer.
My plan was to go down and capture 1 cat at a time and
(19:49):
usher them up the stairs. Once I got to five the task
would be complete. I raced down and grabbed the
first cat I came across and ran to the up to the landing and
toss it perfectly forcefully. The this dude is just like
Shakespeare ING this entire experience.
Look how long this is. Yo bro, I'm not reading.
(20:12):
All of this let's read the too long did it read 8 magic
mushrooms for the first time in many years and chase cats out of
the basement all night until I gave up and got my wife to tame
the beast. So like it was just him fighting
the entire time. OK, let's go to the part where
he because obviously he's going to like he said, he needed an
adult. I have to wake up my wife.
(20:32):
She'd make it all better. I went upstairs to her room and
woke her in the gentleness way possible by jumping on the bed
and yelling help. I took mushrooms. 5 cats in the
basement. I can only count to 40.
Not the way I envisioned it going down in my head, but I was
happy to get that much out before forgetting the reason I
woke her up in the 1st place. She went downstairs, she would
(20:55):
get the cats in the basement andI would be saved.
But no, my savour turned to torment as she said the only
words in the word that could crush me.
Well, go get him. She said she didn't understand
that I was fighting this fight for what seemed like days now
and wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner and cry
until she I fell asleep. She had no clue how close I was
(21:17):
to breakdown. Oh no I didn't.
Oh, I tried to apologize but shewaved me off with the stern.
We'll talk about this in the morning.
Holy shit let's read top commentWow you were quite literally
herding cats. Long read.
I'll have it in the description,but there was literally like 12
more paragraphs. Nope.
(21:40):
And that's all the stories for today.
My besties don't forget like subscribe on all platforms that
you use. It really helps me.
It helped all the gang, all the gatos and all the patties.
All the patties give you a roundof applause, a round of applause
for your support. It really means the the most to
(22:02):
us. It means a lot to us.
It means so much to me that I had like 12 different words
trying to come out of my mouth trying to explain how much y'all
mean to me. I mean that I'm weird at showing
emotions. OK, don't judge me, but
reminder, if you would like a beautiful star on the Gato gang
board, let me know. Put it in the comments.
(22:22):
There are quite a few of you that I know will want one, but
I'm not going to just put your name down without a clear
indicator that you wanted one because that's weird.
I would be creeped out if I wentto go watch somebody and my name
was behind them. So yeah, go ahead, let me know.
Put your name here. Here.
(22:42):
I mean, look at all these littlestars.
Just let me know. But I do have to end this call.
As always. Hope you laughed.
Hope you had fun. World's crazy.
Make sure you take care of yourself.
You can't do that. How the hell are you going to be
able to take care of anyone else?
Duh. Already I got to hang up now.
(23:03):
Bye.
What is the funniest story you have ever read on Reddit?
Let's talk about it, bestie. Do you want your name on the
(00:25):
Gato wall? The Gato board?
Just comment below. I'll literally just put you on
it, all right, For my audio summers, I'm a clicking the
stars and clicking the board. It's literally free in this
economy. In this economy, Yep, I got to
gang. We have pride.
I think I woke up and opened my computer to this.
(00:50):
This is absolutely fantastic formy audio summers.
I can't explain it. I don't think I can.
Just remind yourself to come back and look at this
screensaver. They change the screensaver in
every icon to a Disney man and they each have names.
(01:11):
Gosh, it disturbs me even when talking and inspired.
Inspired. Oh, it's Gaston.
Wow, I didn't think that was Gaston.
I didn't really watch many Disney movies.
OK, Don't come at me. Don't come at me.
A girl asked if I had a lighter today and I replied sorry, I
don't smoke. What is that even that's it felt
(01:31):
very strange indeed. That's all.
I workout. A stop comment.
I work at a Walmart up here in Canada that is attached to a
mall. There's always this girl that
works somewhere in the food court that seems to never buy
her own cigarettes the first dayshe tried.
Yeah, cuz she works at a she works at a mall.
You think she could afford cigarettes?
She's smart. Honestly the first day she tried
(01:54):
to bum off 1 off of me I startedvaping.
Was so vindictating. Sorry I don't smoke but Nope, I
quit. Exhales plume of vapor.
I bet. I bet this user drives a Subaru
with all that vaping. Another comment, I had an old
homeless woman curse me out whenshe asked for a cigarette and I
(02:15):
told her I don't have any as I was clearly blowing smoke out as
I said it. Good times.
Hey bestie, don't smoke, OK? Smoking is bad, OK?
Or whatever, South Park said. Don't forget to bring a
cigarette or towel. That probably went over
everyone's heads. OK, here's a fun ask Reddit
(02:37):
thread. Wingman of Reddit, what crazy
things have you done to get yourfriends laid?
Top comment. This is 12 years ago by the way.
A little. We're feeling a little nostalgic
today. Back in the day when people used
to actually type full things, myfriend was sleeping over at my
house. My parents and brother were all
sleeping upstairs while we were downstairs watching TV, playing
(03:00):
video games and shits. At around 1:00 AM he asked if
this girl can come over and he really wants to get with this
girl and I don't want to turn him down South.
I agree on the condition that she's quiet.
The three of us are hanging out and I make some excuse to leave
the room so my friend can have some alone time with this girl.
I'm upstairs in my room when I start hearing the the the noises
(03:23):
for my audio stemmers and peoplelistening without headphones.
This is bad news for me but great news for my friends.
He's losing his virginity to a girl he really likes.
I hear stirring in the next roomand I know that they're about of
loud lovemaking. Was woken my parents.
Yikes, what a dumbass. Though the last thing I want is
(03:46):
for my confused father to walk in on my friend fucking this
girl. I just said oops.
Anyways, warning to turn down your your volume because now
it's uncensored My father to walk in on my friend fucking
this girl in my basement. What do I do?
I go to pornhub. Bro this is like a best fucking
(04:07):
friends. I hope we have a update on this
dude's account that he went to his best friend.
He went to this wedding. He was the best man.
Are you kidding me? I hope you read this story.
Oh my gosh, we'll check. Let me finish this.
I go to Pornhub, click on the first video I see, crank that
(04:27):
shit to 100 all my speakers and let it play for three minutes
that my buddy ended up lasting. Bro, have you seen the got to
get that, that one song where they had like all the speakers
and they had it on full volume and all that shit was shaking.
That's all I'm seeing in my headright now.
(04:48):
That's all I'm seeing in my head.
My dad ended up coming into my room discovering the source of
the noise. I even threw in some fapping
motion under the covers. We are going way back with this
old lingo and awkwardly leaving.My buddy ended up having the
best fucking time ever bro, but Jesus.
There were some awkward glances exchanged between my parents and
(05:11):
I the next morning. Edit if I could be talk.
Obligatory I still can't even pronounce the word holy.
Anyways, scratch that. Holy fuck, 52 months of gold I
can spell. I'm really bad at pronouncing.
If I was interviewing you for a job, I would hire you based
strictly on this story. Let's check his account.
(05:33):
I let's see, let's see, let's see if he went just talking
about technology. Ah, sound bars.
Sound bars. At this point, are we sure that
it wasn't a cover up for him liking blasting porn?
Oh my God, doesn't seem like we have any.
Uh, no, there's no update of that.
(05:55):
I hope Opie's enjoying his soundbars to help his other friends.
Today I fucked up by throwing mysteak out a window already.
Last night my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us
over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife
reiterated many times to me justhow important it was to make a
good impression. I already can tell where this
(06:18):
one's going. I scoffed and arrogantly
informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.
My wife's boss is a single lady in her 50s so it was just the
three of us. We chit chatted over drinks and
salads and seemed to be really hitting it off.
She's go to Olive Garden. Good choice.
She laughed at my well time. Perfectly appropriate jokes and
(06:41):
my wife seemed pleased. Wow, what a sentence right
there. That's that lets you know.
Opie's overthinking with that one.
Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak
for each of us. As it began to cut into my
steak, I was discouraged to discover how undercooked the
steak was. Sounds like Olive Garden now.
(07:04):
I've had my fair share of rare steak.
I prefer medium, but I can handle rare.
So she said this was several minutes on a hot grill short of
rare. I probably could have.
Wow, he could have revived the cow.
Probably can still hear it, moo.Instead I sat there fidgeting
(07:25):
with my knife and fork, worryingabout how I was going to get
away with not eating this steak.Being an adult and say this
isn't cooked all the way. Because being an adult it's all
about standing up for yourself and not getting sick and making
sure you are OK mentally and physically.
Claim veganism. No, no, I'd already finished.
(07:48):
Great enthusiasm upon seeing thesteak.
Just then, our Hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take
care of some dessert preparations.
As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open
window of this third story apt, a cartoon light bulb appeared
over my head. What are you going to do, Opie?
(08:09):
Are you going to Oh, you are going to throw it out of the
window? Wow, acting like I didn't even
read the the title. Anyways, I knew I had to be
decisive. Realizing that she could return
at any moment, I committed. I grabbed the steak with my
hand, gently shook off the juice, and executed a perfect
throw right through the center of the open window.
That'd be funny if somebody like, outside like, ran up and
(08:32):
was like, who threw a steak at me?
Here's the big time I effed up. The window wasn't open.
It was the cleanest freaking window you've ever seen in your
life. That is, until my mostly raw
slab of steak slammed up againstit and slowly slid down, leaving
a trail of bloody juice and its wake.
(08:53):
My wife, whose steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of
my predicament, turned, jaw dropped and stared at me like I
was an alien from another planet.
This look then slowly morphed into more of a there is no place
on this planet you can ever hidefrom me expression of demonic
anger. Really bro, that's all you could
(09:17):
figure out? My wife's boss heard the thud of
the steak on the window impact and came quickly.
She took in the scene, the steaksitting on the window sill, my
blood trail, my empty plates, and then gave me a inquisitive,
puzzled look. Why are we eating dinner with
(09:38):
our bosses? Are you getting paid by the hour
on this? Because if not, it sounds like
you're trying to suck up for a promotion, which should never be
an option. Like at all.
Just like that raw steak. I just didn't know what to say.
It felt like a minute minute of silence but was probably 3 or 4
(09:59):
seconds. Finally, the best I could manage
was I. I'm so sorry I'm such a klutz.
I don't know. I was just cutting it and it it
slipped. Just ask my wife.
I really am a klutz, right honey?
No help coming from that direction.
I will clean this up. I can't believe this, I'm so
(10:21):
sorry, etcetera, etcetera. Both women continue to stare at
me like I had escaped from the loony bin as I smeared the blood
around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the stake,
and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation.
I knew no one was buying the story.
I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my
seats and proceeded to eat everybite of that disgusting, cold,
(10:45):
chewy, bloody, raw steak. We're going to check Opie's
account and see if they have like update.
I'm a vegan now after shitting my brains up.
I remain pretty quiet the rest of the evening.
My wife's only two words to me since the incident are I'm fine,
but we know what that means. Too long, didn't read.
(11:05):
Tried to sneakily throw my undercooked steak through an
open window only to find out it wasn't open and edit.
Thanks kind redditors. People were nice to him.
OK update just got the 1st post.I'm fine.
Communication from my wife via text who is at work.
Damn quiet car ride huh? Good news.
(11:26):
Boss's name. And I just had a good laugh over
how much of a fucking idiot you are.
That's that's a wife right there.
I hope you know you will never live this down.
Love you moron. Top comment.
Top comment. Damn, this was 10 years ago.
Top comment 10 years ago. God damn.
One question, Opie. Let's say the window was open
(11:47):
and the steak is gone. She returns a minute later.
What? You just tell her you devoured
it? Yeah, that's kind of normal,
right? Unless like she's really quick
at going to the bathroom and then she finds a weird outdoor
stake outside sometime. Or maybe bears.
A lot of deleted comments obviously from 10 years ago and
(12:08):
it's times like this when you should just fake a seizure.
This comment right here. If life has taught me anything,
never take advice from Reddit. Don't do it, don't do it bestie.
First of all, don't ever do workaffiliated tasks outside of
work, whether it be mentally or physically.
That's all on that one. And to the next, people are
(12:32):
dumb. Knowledge is power Francis
Bacon. Oh, and it takes you to a thread
of the Ask Reddit. What word or phrase did you
totally misunderstand as a child?
OK, knowledge is OK, hold on, let's read it.
Let's read it. When I was young, my father said
to me, knowledge is power. Francis Bacon.
(12:56):
I understood it as knowledge is power, France is bacon.
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the
second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two.
If I said they quote to someone knowledge is power, France is
bacon, they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say knowledge
is power and I'd finish the quote France is bacon and they
(13:18):
wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd.
But agreed. OK, sounds like, but you learned
more than just that. This phrase wasn't what you
thought it was. It's that people don't listen to
you bud. That's a that's a hard pill to
swallow. Good evidence of people are more
obsessed about themselves than you, so do whatever you want to
(13:39):
do. You wouldn't go play Skyrim
without jumping around right andworrying at the MPC's thought
you were weird. I did ask the teacher what did
knowledge is power Francis Baconmean and got a full 10 minute
explanation of the knowledge is power bit but nothing on Francis
Bacon when I prompted further explaining by saying Francis
(14:01):
Bacon in a questioning tone. I just got a yes at 12.
I think people just hate you bro.
I didn't have the confidence to press it further, I just
accepted it as something I neverunderstand.
It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the
penny dropped. I think Francis Bacon would be
an awesome username. Yes, yes it would.
(14:22):
And his motherfucking username is Francis Bacon.
Beautiful. Today I fucked up when the guy
eats mushrooms while his wife isasleep and ends up hurting his
cats. Let's read it.
Today I fucked up secretly eating mushrooms while my wife
was asleep and a house full of cats.
(14:44):
Sounds like a beautiful, beautiful night.
This happened a good long while ago now, so not really today.
It was April when I started thisjourney.
It's a journey. During the winter, I became a
member of a magic mushroom forum.
Oh, this is so 11 years ago. Oh yeah.
And was learning all I could about growing magic mushrooms.
(15:07):
I tried it once before and grew only a yellowish green mush that
smelled of sweaty socks. But this time would be different
people. Americans will do anything but
grow their own food. I had a spore print sent to me
and was off to the races. Oh buckle in, buckle in.
(15:30):
I tried mushrooms once before about 10 years prior and the
experience was rather enjoyable.I have had way too many bad
experiences with LSD to ever think about trying it, and from
what I remembered, the mushroom experience was way less chaotic
and harsh for me than the majority of my acid trips had
been. After following every trip I
(15:51):
would gather in about a month and a half of waiting.
I have viable mushrooms drying in the food dehydrator.
Bro had a setup my whole journeyfrom spore print to fruit was
done for reasons I don't yet have a grasp on.
I don't think you ever will Opie.
Some things just won't have answers.
(16:11):
I was thinking at the time that growing them would impart some
spiritual meaning into my experience.
It had been a long, long time since I had taken any illegal
substances and I wanted it to bea special in some way.
Growing them myself was an attempt at providing that.
I guess. The night I took them I really
wasn't planning on doing so. I was bored out of my wits and
(16:34):
chatting with online friends. I'd told them I was going to eat
my mushrooms but didn't know howmuch to eat without a scale.
I took a few pics of my intendeddose and posted them and
immediately got advice to cut that dose in half.
So with my wife asleep, I went down to the kitchen and made a
concoction of purple slushy and pow powered.
(16:55):
I think he meant powdered, yeah powdered mushrooms and gulped it
down. I came back up and told the
chatters that the deal was done and that I was taking a shower
and wouldn't be back once the fun started.
It's a long story. In the shower about 5 minutes
when I felt like a rush, like I consciousness was being pulled
away from my body. I was fighting to keep it with
(17:17):
me. It felt as though as I had let
it fly away I would have had a full out of body experience.
But for some reason I felt compelled hold on to it.
I quickly turned it. OK, the way this dude has
written things, don't get mad atme, I am trying to translate
this boy's words. OK, it's written a little weird.
(17:38):
I felt compelled held on to it. I quickly turned off the water
and looked down at my feet. They seemed miles away.
That is when it hit me that the shrooms were kicking in.
Out of the shower and I put on the same clothes.
I came in and headed upstairs. The shower is in the basement of
the house and there is a door atthe top of the stairs.
Opening the door, the light fromthe kitchen blasted my eyes and
(18:00):
I got a good gauge of how far along in my experience I was.
I would see that the kitchen floor looks smooth and had a
liquid like texture. This is like literally my
nightmare. But before I could survey any
more, my black cat ran down intothe basements.
I don't want to forget about himdown there and I never really
thought that I could just leave the door open and shoot any
members of our herd that wandered down here after my
(18:21):
trip. I trudged down the stairs after
him and scooped him up and stared back up at the stairs.
Halfway down, a brown blur flew down the stairs as another cat
dove into the basements. I tossed the black one in the
kitchen and went after the brownone first.
Like dribbling all these cats. This is pretty funny.
While picking up a brown one, the black cat came down the
(18:44):
steps again and I scooped him uptoo.
Now I am carrying two cats up the stairs.
That's my type of day. That's my type of day.
At the top of the stairs the door is wide open and I see our
other 3 cats. Bro has like so many cats.
I'm Jealous has come to investigate the commotion.
As I made the final push to the top, they all jumped into action
(19:04):
like they planned it in advance.I started laughing hysterically,
let go of the cats in my arms and sat on the top step as I
watched all the cats bounce downthe stairs.
I found the whole situation so funny.
Here I am coming up hard on mushrooms.
I can feel the confusion building every second and now I
have to figure out a way of getting all 5 cats out of the
basements. By the time I had collected
(19:27):
myself and devised a plan, my face was hot and objects were
starting to move. Why even do psychedelic like
this is scary like hell no just drink until you're like blacked
out Like same effect right? The time dilation had manifested
and minutes were seeming to takelonger and longer.
My plan was to go down and capture 1 cat at a time and
(19:49):
usher them up the stairs. Once I got to five the task
would be complete. I raced down and grabbed the
first cat I came across and ran to the up to the landing and
toss it perfectly forcefully. The this dude is just like
Shakespeare ING this entire experience.
Look how long this is. Yo bro, I'm not reading.
(20:12):
All of this let's read the too long did it read 8 magic
mushrooms for the first time in many years and chase cats out of
the basement all night until I gave up and got my wife to tame
the beast. So like it was just him fighting
the entire time. OK, let's go to the part where
he because obviously he's going to like he said, he needed an
adult. I have to wake up my wife.
(20:32):
She'd make it all better. I went upstairs to her room and
woke her in the gentleness way possible by jumping on the bed
and yelling help. I took mushrooms. 5 cats in the
basement. I can only count to 40.
Not the way I envisioned it going down in my head, but I was
happy to get that much out before forgetting the reason I
woke her up in the 1st place. She went downstairs, she would
(20:55):
get the cats in the basement andI would be saved.
But no, my savour turned to torment as she said the only
words in the word that could crush me.
Well, go get him. She said she didn't understand
that I was fighting this fight for what seemed like days now
and wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner and cry
until she I fell asleep. She had no clue how close I was
(21:17):
to breakdown. Oh no I didn't.
Oh, I tried to apologize but shewaved me off with the stern.
We'll talk about this in the morning.
Holy shit let's read top commentWow you were quite literally
herding cats. Long read.
I'll have it in the description,but there was literally like 12
more paragraphs. Nope.
(21:40):
And that's all the stories for today.
My besties don't forget like subscribe on all platforms that
you use. It really helps me.
It helped all the gang, all the gatos and all the patties.
All the patties give you a roundof applause, a round of applause
for your support. It really means the the most to
(22:02):
us. It means a lot to us.
It means so much to me that I had like 12 different words
trying to come out of my mouth trying to explain how much y'all
mean to me. I mean that I'm weird at showing
emotions. OK, don't judge me, but
reminder, if you would like a beautiful star on the Gato gang
board, let me know. Put it in the comments.
(22:22):
There are quite a few of you that I know will want one, but
I'm not going to just put your name down without a clear
indicator that you wanted one because that's weird.
I would be creeped out if I wentto go watch somebody and my name
was behind them. So yeah, go ahead, let me know.
Put your name here. Here.
(22:42):
I mean, look at all these littlestars.
Just let me know. But I do have to end this call.
As always. Hope you laughed.
Hope you had fun. World's crazy.
Make sure you take care of yourself.
You can't do that. How the hell are you going to be
able to take care of anyone else?
Duh. Already I got to hang up now.
(23:03):
Bye.
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