The High Cost of Being “Nice” at Work

We’ve been taught that “nice” is the goal at work — be pleasant, be agreeable, don’t rock the boat. But what if niceness is actually keeping us stuck, silencing truth-tellers, and protecting the status quo? In this episode of Toot or Boot, Stacey Nordwall sits down with author and communications strategist Amira Barger to unpack her new book The Price of Nice — a fierce, funny, deeply human guide to understanding how performative niceness, forced neutrality, and “civility” are used to silence real people and reinforce harmful systems. They explore why truth-telling gets punished, how identity and politics always enter the workplace, why leaders cling to neutrality, and what “nerve” really looks like in practice. If you’ve ever swallowed your truth to keep the peace — this episode will give you language, tools, and permission to show up differently and to challenge harm without self-abandoning. Key Takeaways “Niceness” often demands self-abandonment in service of others’ comfort. Kindness and niceness are not the same — kindness requires honesty. Neutrality is not neutral; it protects power, not people. Identity, politics, and lived experience always walk into work with us. Civility can be weaponized to silence truth-tellers and maintain the status quo. The “nerve vs. nice” continuum explains how we’re socialized to stay small. Micro-actions of courage matter as much as big acts of resistance. Leaders need both advocacy and inquiry to create real change. Perfectly assertive communication helps challenge harm without blowing things up. DEI work still happens in micro-spheres — influence what you can control. Timestamps 00:00 — Welcome + why Amira’s work resonates 01:19 — Defining “the price of nice” 03:17 — The story that exposed the harm of niceness 06:41 — Nice vs. nerve: the continuum 10:22 — Kids, truth-telling, and naming what adults ignore 12:03 — Why politics and identity cannot be separated from work 15:42 — The myth of neutrality — and who it protects 20:52 — The weaponization of civility and tone policing 25:19 — Advocacy + inquiry: a better leadership model 30:03 — The Four W Model: navigating hard moments with clarity 36:48 — Micro-actions as everyday nerve 40:31 — The “relay” model of shared resistance Top Keywords niceness vs kindness, workplace neutrality, nerve vs nice, psychological safety, performative civility, identity at work, DEI backlash, assertive communication, leadership inquiry tools, speaking up at work