October 28, 2025 • 50 mins
Episode 2 — “The Cutting Room, Part 1”
The Straight Dope
Willie Topaz and Maury Stillman plunge from pulp fantasy to real danger: A midnight summons to the Louis B. Mayer estate introduces the ice-cold power broker Lady Lazarus. Her message is simple—and terrifying: deliver a mysterious package and make room for a “family” favorite in the Brock Gatling film… or else.
What follows is a chaos sprint through Hollywood’s underbelly: a flaming toupee, a covert late-night raid on the studio for an emergency makeover (hello, mullet), a drunk director who sobers up the second he hears “Lazarus,” and Willie’s beloved Trans Am getting towed at the worst possible moment. As the clock barrels toward a midnight deadline, the stakes sharpen, loyalties wobble, and the cutting room isn’t just for film anymore.
The Bill
Starring:
- Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz (Brock Gatling)
- Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman
- Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus
- Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy (Narrator)
- Diamandi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey
- Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni
- Brendan Wreay as Trenton Drake
- Mitch Leschinski as Audio Engineer
- Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon
Also Starring:
- Mike Cunningham as Announcer/Lickety Split Employee
- Shaun Scott as Bulky Guard
- Katie Jostock as Club Ellipses Employee
- Larry Oblander as Gerard
The Company
- Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
- Associate Producer: Andy Parkin
The Theme
"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby
- Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey
- Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
- Drums: Marcus Graham
- Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
- Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington
The Hub
- https://www.patreon.com/c/ShoestringTV
- https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/shoestringtv/topaz-and-stillman-an-80s-adventure-podcast
- https://youtube.com/@shoestringtv7048?si=js5A-O
Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe
Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_15 (00:40):
Hey Brock, did I scare you?
SPEAKER_06 (00:43):
I don't get scared.
I just get even.
But next time, announceyourself.
SPEAKER_15 (00:49):
It's me, Mewe, your partner, and sometimes rubber.
SPEAKER_06 (00:56):
Very funny.
SPEAKER_15 (00:58):
What is this place?
SPEAKER_06 (01:01):
An underground base of some kind.
I notice some makeshift lockedcages with crates and supplies
behind us.
My gut is telling me theirheadquarters must be even within
the cave.
That's where we'll find theraven.
SPEAKER_15 (01:15):
Oh! The raven! What is he after anyway?
SPEAKER_06 (01:20):
Like all extremely wealthy psychopathic villains I
encounter, world domination atany cost.
SPEAKER_15 (01:26):
Even if it means destroying the world they wish
to dominate in the process?
SPEAKER_06 (01:31):
Even then, but I don't think the raven considers
the consequences.
SPEAKER_15 (01:36):
What is that large create over there?
SPEAKER_06 (01:39):
Come on, let's check it out.
What?
This jump change.
Hold on.
SPEAKER_15 (02:03):
Wow! That boulder must have weighed over 700
pounds!
SPEAKER_06 (02:09):
A bitch more.
Let's take a look at that crate.
SPEAKER_15 (02:15):
Damn it.
Clate has huge paddle rock onit.
Maybe I can find Krumba overhere.
SPEAKER_06 (02:22):
No need.
SPEAKER_15 (02:28):
Wow! The crate just exploded.
SPEAKER_06 (02:33):
Courtesy of Hanshee Master Nahora.
I'm a tenth degree black belt.
SPEAKER_15 (02:39):
What is in there?
It's almost growing.
SPEAKER_06 (02:44):
I can feel it calling to me.
SPEAKER_15 (02:57):
What is that?
SPEAKER_06 (03:03):
It's the M134 GAU seventeen gatling gun.
SPEAKER_15 (03:08):
Gatling, like you lost an M.
It's it's like it was made foryou.
SPEAKER_13 (03:43):
An 80s adventure.
A shoestring TV production.
Tonight is episode two, titledThe Cutting Room, Part One.
Starring Terry Briscoe as WillieTopaz, Jim Frunk as Maury
Stillman, and introducingRebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus.
(04:06):
Written and directed by JasonBeard.
SPEAKER_18 (04:46):
Yep.
Ate at the Windsor.
They have a beef wellingtonthat's to die for.
So, uh, you been?
I'm a vegetarian.
Alright, well, they have saladtoo.
SPEAKER_12 (05:00):
Before we get started, I have a question.
Is there a reason this book hasno chapters?
It just seems to run on from oneportion of Willie's life to the
next with no discerniblestructure.
One passage I'm in 83.
The next paragraph I'mrecounting Willie's childhood in
the 60s.
SPEAKER_18 (05:16):
I don't know.
Mr.
Stillman felt by eliminatingchapters he could save a
significant amount of money onpublishing costs or something.
SPEAKER_12 (05:24):
Mary Stillman being cheap.
That doesn't surprise me.
SPEAKER_18 (05:29):
Oh, will this keep you from regaling us with your
dulcet tones?
No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_12 (05:36):
I think it's been firmly established that I'm
doing this under dress.
SPEAKER_02 (05:40):
Hmm, well, I thought maybe it was the impending
bankruptcy and career suicide.
But what do I know?
And we're rolling.
SPEAKER_12 (06:01):
Lyric Dorsey, the love of Willie's life, the one
who got away.
And who has now re-enteredWillie's life, stands in front
of the stage at the EllipsisClub.
She's beaming in anticipationfor her current boyfriend,
Rhythm Mercy, to take the stage.
SPEAKER_06 (06:20):
So, Lyric, what did you call this again?
Spoken poetry?
SPEAKER_17 (06:26):
You would more likely hear it called slam
poetry.
The poets use their bodies toexpress themselves through
engaging and sometimescontroversial topics and sound.
SPEAKER_06 (06:38):
Okay.
SPEAKER_17 (06:41):
It will make more sense when you see it.
He's stepping out now.
Watch.
SPEAKER_12 (06:48):
Lyric gently wraps her arms around Willie's.
She squeezes harder as herboyfriend, Rhythm Mercy, appears
on stage.
There was no questioning it.
He had a presence.
It made Willie furious.
SPEAKER_11 (07:25):
The road.
A crossroad?
Red light.
Stop sign.
You dig the path.
Because you were told to.
Smash, smash, smash, cash, cash,cash.
(07:46):
You dig?
Ask not what your country can dofor you.
Ask.
Oh, baby.
SPEAKER_12 (07:52):
Just add.
As rhythm continues itsperformative diatribe, Willie
couldn't help but wonder, who isRhythm Mercy?
Rhythm Mercy was born onFebruary 1st of 1954 in
(08:14):
Washington, D.C.
It's counting.
Rhythm Mercy.
Sculptor.
Noticed Rhythm's uncanny abilityto mimic any person movie.
A Paul Lord Stunback High Schoolrandom one class customer for
all four years of the studiowith the spirit head of the
first major theatrical anddrummer for the next year.
SPEAKER_17 (08:33):
It's me, Mr.
Topaz.
SPEAKER_06 (08:38):
Yes, that's me.
SPEAKER_17 (08:40):
You have a call?
SPEAKER_06 (08:41):
Oh.
Okay.
Lyric, will you excuse me?
And I'm so broken up about that.
Really?
It hurts, but.
SPEAKER_17 (08:54):
You're a big star now.
SPEAKER_06 (08:56):
Oh, nothing like that.
I gotta take this.
Seriously.
It's been amazing seeing you.
I'll be in touch soon.
Unless you want to come with.
SPEAKER_16 (09:06):
I appreciate the offer, but I should probably
stay here.
SPEAKER_06 (09:11):
Right.
SPEAKER_12 (09:13):
Probably for the best.
Willie follows the club employeeover to the bar and is handed a
phone.
SPEAKER_06 (09:22):
Hello, this is Willie.
SPEAKER_05 (09:24):
Hey Willie.
What are you up to?
SPEAKER_06 (09:28):
Maury, I'm watching something called slam poetry?
Wait, how did you know I washere?
SPEAKER_05 (09:36):
Oh, I pay people to keep tabs on you.
Relax.
I make the studios pay for it.
Doesn't come out of our bottomline.
SPEAKER_06 (09:44):
You pay people to spy on me?
SPEAKER_05 (09:47):
Yeah.
I mean, hey, you're a hotcommodity and we can't be too
safe.
Say, um, any chance you canmosey on over to the Lewis B.
Mayor Estate?
You know it?
SPEAKER_06 (09:58):
Of course.
Who doesn't?
But why are you there?
SPEAKER_05 (10:02):
Well, you know, uh, the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06 (10:06):
What is the Lazarus?
SPEAKER_05 (10:08):
Oh, no, no, no.
Not a what?
A who?
The Lazarus is a very successfuland wealthy Hollywood film
producer and financier.
SPEAKER_06 (10:17):
And I take it this Mr.
Lazarus lives at the Louis B.
Mayor estate.
SPEAKER_05 (10:22):
Well, it's not Mr.
Lazarus.
He is a she, and she just goesby the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06 (10:30):
You're making my brain hurt, man.
SPEAKER_05 (10:33):
Willie, can you just meet me here or not?
SPEAKER_06 (10:36):
Sure, Maury.
Give me about an hour.
SPEAKER_05 (10:39):
Can you make it in uh 20 minutes?
Uh scratch that.
19 minutes.
SPEAKER_06 (10:44):
Maury, why did you just count down?
SPEAKER_05 (10:48):
Uh, because the timer I'm staring at is counting
down.
SPEAKER_06 (10:54):
Why are you staring at a timer?
SPEAKER_05 (10:57):
Well, I mean, it's not for my health.
I can tell you that much.
Shit! 18 minutes!
SPEAKER_06 (11:04):
Maury, I'm on my way.
SPEAKER_12 (11:11):
15 minutes and 22 seconds later, Willie brings
Talon to a screeching halt infront of the iron security gate,
protecting the Lewis B.
Mayor estate.
He exits his modified PontiacTransam and walks towards the
Rot Iron Gate.
Without warning, the gate'sopen.
(11:40):
Willie cautiously walks past theopen security gate and
approaches the wrought iron andcage front door situated
centrally within the buildingwhere an on guard built like a
brick shit house greets him.
SPEAKER_00 (12:00):
You miss the topaz?
Uh yeah.
I'm Willie.
SPEAKER_06 (12:04):
She's expecting you.
You don't need to pat me down?
I could be packing.
Pat you down.
SPEAKER_00 (12:19):
She waited with you.
SPEAKER_12 (12:59):
Of the many darkened rooms that are visible from the
foyer, Willie notices only onewith lights on.
He passes a spiraling staircaseand slinks to a slightly open
door.
He presses his fingertips to thedoor and eases it open.
Something releases from theshadow-bathed ceiling and floats
(13:21):
to the floor.
Shit, a rat just flew at me.
SPEAKER_05 (13:26):
It's not a rat.
SPEAKER_12 (13:30):
Willie steps closer to the fallen object and picks
it up to inspect it.
It's uh to pay?
SPEAKER_06 (13:37):
Mori, where are you?
SPEAKER_05 (13:39):
Up here.
SPEAKER_06 (13:41):
Whoa, what the hell?
Why are you tangled in a nethanging from the ceiling?
SPEAKER_05 (13:47):
Oh, I think I'm just checking off the crown molding.
That's superb work.
What the hell do you think I'mdoing up here?
What do you mean?
Get me down from here.
SPEAKER_06 (13:56):
How do you expect me to do that?
SPEAKER_05 (13:59):
There's a lever or something over by the mini-bar.
Above the bottom of her mouth.
SPEAKER_06 (14:08):
Oh, this lever?
unknown (14:12):
Ah!
SPEAKER_05 (14:14):
Yeah.
That's the lever.
Help me up, will ya?
SPEAKER_12 (14:19):
Willie helps Maury off the floor and is astonished
by his manager's appearance.
SPEAKER_06 (14:28):
You you wear a piece?
Not another word.
Wow.
You you're old.
SPEAKER_04 (14:40):
Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.
SPEAKER_05 (14:43):
I'm known for my luscious locks.
I mean, look, Willie.
We all have our secrets.
SPEAKER_01 (14:52):
And some secrets should stay that way, don't you
think, Mr.
Topaz?
SPEAKER_12 (14:57):
Willie is startled by the woman who seems to have
simply materialized in the room.
Standing in front of him is themysterious Hollywood movie
producer and financier knownonly as The Lazarus.
She is tall, beautiful,elegantly dressed, and
completely terrifying.
SPEAKER_06 (15:14):
Mrs.
Miss the Lazarus, I presume.
SPEAKER_01 (15:22):
Here is a secret of my own, Mr.
Topaz.
It's Lady Lazarus.
But men don't like to admit thata woman had them pissing in
their pants, do they?
So they conveniently drop theforename when they share the
tale of being visited by theLazarus.
SPEAKER_06 (15:45):
So, Lady Lazarus, tell me another secret.
Why did you have my managertrapped in a net hanging from
the ceiling?
SPEAKER_01 (15:54):
You're more handsome than I imagined.
I'm pleased to see that you werea wise investment, after all.
SPEAKER_12 (16:03):
An investment?
A fireplace behind Williesuddenly ignites, emitting
toasty, quivering flames.
The warm flickering lightreveals an ornate queen and
table secured in the center ofthe room.
The incandescent glow alsoilluminates a variety of
sharply-bladed weapons of allshapes and sizes adorning a long
(16:25):
wall in front of him.
SPEAKER_01 (16:27):
Have a seat.
SPEAKER_12 (16:28):
Take a load off.
SPEAKER_01 (16:30):
Let me regale you with a tale.
SPEAKER_05 (16:33):
Hey, Willie! Can I have my rug back?
It's a bit of a draft.
SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Actually, I'll take that, Mr.
Stillman.
No! If you chilled, Mr.
Stillman, sit close to the fire.
SPEAKER_12 (16:51):
Willie and Maury both sit down as instructed.
Maury turns to the fireplace andwatches as his toupee slowly
burns the fire.
SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
Mr.
Topaz.
Are you familiar with the LouisB.
Meyer estate?
Particularly its history.
SPEAKER_06 (17:07):
I know more about the man than the mansion.
I know he's the mayor and MetroGolden Mayor, otherwise known as
MGM.
I know he was born in theRussian Empire but grew up in
Canada.
Holy shit! You actually knowthat?
I didn't even know that.
SPEAKER_01 (17:22):
Well, let's fast forward the tape to his time in
Los Angeles.
More pointedly, 1939, which somewould call the golden year for
MGM and for Mr.
Mayer.
Cinematic masterpieces wereedited in this very room: Gone
with the Wind, The Women, andThe Wizard of Oz, to name a few.
(17:46):
This room became known as theCutting Room.
As in the idiom on the cuttingroom floor.
SPEAKER_12 (17:53):
As Lady Lazarus raps on about historical cinematic
virtue, Maury suddenly slides inhis chair closer to the
fireplace, his hands behind hisback.
He squeezes a hand through anopening in the back of the chair
and tries to pluck his toupeeout of the fireplace.
Without flinching, Lady Lazarusturns a dial on a nearby wall
and the fireplace erupts withstronger, large flames.
SPEAKER_04 (18:17):
Ouch! Ouch! Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm genetically
predisposed to be excessive tofire!
SPEAKER_05 (18:24):
Mori! Can't blame me for trying.
SPEAKER_01 (18:28):
Let's just say we've appropriated the name for this
room, even if its intendedpurpose has changed.
SPEAKER_06 (18:34):
And I'm probably not going out on a limb and saying
that the cutting room has moreto do with those blades on the
wall than missing footage fromCitizen Kane.
SPEAKER_01 (18:43):
That was an RKO film, but yes, you're picking up
what I'm putting down.
SPEAKER_06 (18:48):
Okay.
Message received.
But I still haven't heard why.
SPEAKER_01 (18:53):
This role, Rock Gatling.
Not only are you the lead, butthis has become quite the payday
for you.
Wouldn't you agree?
SPEAKER_05 (19:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (19:03):
Maury really fought for me.
SPEAKER_05 (19:06):
Any chance we can turn down the heat a bit?
I'm feeling a littlecharbroiled.
SPEAKER_01 (19:11):
Ah, and here is where we arrive at Maury's
secret.
And not the one that involveshis male-pattern bulness.
SPEAKER_05 (19:20):
Hey, I'm very vulnerable over here.
SPEAKER_01 (19:25):
I've financed many films over the years, and due to
my affiliation with a certainItalian crime family, I prefer
being the silent, silentpartner.
So when Maori came to me, talkedabout this new super talented
actor he's representing, anactor deserving of opportunity
and success, I would agree thathe went to bat for you.
(19:50):
And I was happy to oblige undercertain conditions.
SPEAKER_06 (19:56):
Maury, is this true?
Hey, I just wanted the best foryou, kid.
But what did you agree to?
SPEAKER_01 (20:06):
I'm afraid even he wouldn't be able to tell you
that, Mr.
Topaz.
All he knew is that a day wouldcome where a favor would be
asked of him, in exchange forpumping several million more
into the Brock Gatling budget,largely to support your rather
exorbitant salary.
(20:26):
And today was the day I came tocollect.
SPEAKER_06 (20:32):
But he refused.
SPEAKER_01 (20:36):
Refused?
I hardly understand the meaningof the word.
No, no, no, no, no.
He misunderstood.
SPEAKER_06 (20:46):
Which led to him hanging from the ceiling.
SPEAKER_01 (20:49):
He needed a different point of view to see
the world from an alternateperspective.
A rather mild nudge in the ribs,considering.
SPEAKER_06 (20:59):
And what is this favor being asked of him?
SPEAKER_01 (21:02):
Well, why ask for one favor when you can get a
second one for free?
First, deliver a package.
A package?
What package?
What is it?
I don't have to tell you that,Mr.
Topaz.
SPEAKER_06 (21:21):
Um, right, right.
Good point.
Uh, very fair.
And the second favor?
SPEAKER_01 (21:28):
A member of the family, his niece, Adriana
Milano, aspires to be anactress.
Let's say, a supporting role inthe Brock Gatling film.
SPEAKER_06 (21:40):
The one we're in the middle of shooting right now?
He'd have to convince thedirector.
The script would have to berewritten.
SPEAKER_01 (21:48):
It's impossible.
No.
Nothing is impossible.
If the appropriate amount ofpressure is applied.
And you don't seem to be lackingin motivation.
SPEAKER_06 (22:02):
Since refusal is not part of your vocabulary, what
happens if he's unsuccessful incompleting these favors?
SPEAKER_01 (22:09):
Not he, but we.
I would be remiss if I didn'tpoint out that you were never
supposed to be here in the firstplace.
Until Mari decided to includeyou.
SPEAKER_05 (22:21):
I was sure I was about to be the roast beef
sandwich in someone's sacklunch.
SPEAKER_01 (22:27):
There is still time, Mr.
Stillman.
But it's running out.
So you better get to it.
Both of you.
SPEAKER_05 (22:38):
So we can go?
SPEAKER_06 (22:41):
Not so fast, Maury.
How much time do we have?
SPEAKER_01 (22:46):
The package is expected to be delivered at
midnight, two days from now.
You'll be meeting a courier withties to the family.
During this exchange, at thetime of delivery, you'll also
confirm that the Milano niecehas been cast in the movie.
SPEAKER_06 (23:03):
Where does the package need to be delivered?
SPEAKER_01 (23:06):
Maury has the details.
I'm not one to repeat myself.
You have 48 hours.
I'd suggest you get a move on.
SPEAKER_12 (23:15):
Willie and Maury stand and walk towards the
entrance of the cutting roomwhen they are interrupted.
SPEAKER_01 (23:20):
Oh, Mr.
Topaz.
I never answered your question.
The what if?
And I like you, Mr.
Topaz.
And I protect my investments.
So no harm will come to you.
But if you both fail to meetthese demands, you will be
(23:46):
indebted to the Milano CrimeFamily in perpetuity.
And like so much celluloid, Mr.
Stillman will be left on thecutting room floor.
SPEAKER_12 (24:04):
However brief, the silence in the room was
deafening, and Willie couldn'tstop trembling.
SPEAKER_01 (24:12):
Now, he'd caution in your response.
I know your mama raised agentleman.
Do we understand each other?
SPEAKER_06 (24:22):
Yes.
Loud and clear.
SPEAKER_01 (24:26):
Good.
Now get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_06 (24:42):
I can't believe you did that, Maury.
You said mosey on over.
About an hour ago, I wasstanding next to the woman of my
dreams, and now I'm making adelivery for the mafia.
I lost my head.
Indebted to the Malammoorganized crime family in
(25:04):
perpetuity?
Are you serious?
SPEAKER_05 (25:07):
Officer.
It was made from the fineestpool here and oxenhead.
I didn't even know it was oxenand palm.
SPEAKER_06 (25:18):
And you're bald?
What?
Who would have seen that coming?
I am not old.
Yes.
SPEAKER_05 (25:26):
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Stop the car.
Stop the car.
She may have scared us half todeath, but she didn't take
everything from us.
SPEAKER_06 (25:46):
What's that smell?
That's right.
SPEAKER_04 (25:50):
The rug is back, baby.
SPEAKER_06 (25:53):
No, you didn't.
SPEAKER_05 (25:55):
You pulled your toupee out of the fire.
That's right.
Now come back home, my precious.
My precious.
Oh shit, ow! Oh, still reallyhot.
SPEAKER_06 (26:06):
Get that off your head.
It looks like you rescued agerbil from a house fire.
Oh, we showed her, didn't we?
SPEAKER_05 (26:12):
She thought she won.
SPEAKER_06 (26:14):
Stop talking to it.
Seriously.
You need to get that thing outof my car.
It smells like burnt shoes.
SPEAKER_05 (26:22):
I'm trying.
I think it's melted to my head.
SPEAKER_04 (26:29):
Stop pulling! Stop pulling! It hurts!
SPEAKER_06 (26:32):
What are you thinking?
SPEAKER_05 (26:35):
I don't even have time for this.
We have to get back to thestudio.
Oh no, no.
I I I can't show up like this.
Come on.
I'm nothing without my hair.
It's what I'm known for.
SPEAKER_06 (26:47):
It's not your hair.
It's a Peruvian oxen's hair.
This is no longer even hair.
It's road Q.
SPEAKER_04 (26:55):
Okay, okay.
Paul.
Damn you.
SPEAKER_05 (27:02):
Paul, what your life depends on it.
SPEAKER_06 (27:04):
I'm trying, and as it turns out, our lives do
depend on it.
Thanks to you.
SPEAKER_05 (27:11):
Give me that.
Did you get it?
Does it look okay?
SPEAKER_12 (27:20):
Um, sure.
Maury frantically opens thevisor mirror.
SPEAKER_05 (27:24):
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
SPEAKER_04 (27:26):
Where are my eyebrows?
Oh, you pulled off my eyebrows?
SPEAKER_06 (27:31):
I did no such thing.
I had a firm grasp on thetoupee.
I didn't touch your eyebrows.
The melted glue must havedripped down.
SPEAKER_05 (27:42):
I'm I'm hideous.
I'm a freak.
SPEAKER_06 (27:47):
I look like a naked mole.
Hey, at least your eyebrows willgrow back.
I'm ruined.
It's over.
Ah, don't talk like that.
SPEAKER_05 (27:57):
Who am I without my hair?
It was my identity.
SPEAKER_06 (28:01):
Look, there are plenty of bald leading men out
there.
SPEAKER_05 (28:04):
Oh yeah.
Name one.
SPEAKER_06 (28:07):
Oh, um, um you Don't say you, Brenner! Because he's
the only one.
Okay, enough.
We need to focus.
We have about two days beforethe delivery.
Hold up.
What time is it?
Okay.
I think I know how we can helpyou.
SPEAKER_05 (28:25):
What?
What are you thinking?
Just trust me.
Okay, I trust you.
Sorry about all that doom andgloom earlier.
Well, let's get going.
I sort of felt like you weregonna uh, you know, put the
pedal to the metal.
SPEAKER_06 (28:41):
Is the nuke toupee still in a car?
SPEAKER_05 (28:44):
Um, well, uh throw it out, Maury.
Well, uh I thought uh maybe uh Icould take it home with me,
yeah?
It's not a pet.
Throw it out! Well, goodbye,little buddy.
Oh, we had some fun.
You weren't just glued hair onmy head.
You were my partner in crime.
(29:04):
We saw sunsets together, wesurvived wind tunnels,
convertible rides, and even oneill-fated jet ski adventure.
Well, uh, you just wanted to paythough.
You were you were family.
Get rid of it! Fine! You haveme.
SPEAKER_12 (29:36):
The Trans Am Turbo Talent comes to a stop outside
the back lot of Canon FilmStudio.
It's around midnight, and Willieis betting on the backlot being
healthy.
SPEAKER_06 (29:48):
Okay, we're here.
We're gonna need to sneak youonto the Brock set and find
special effects and makeup.
SPEAKER_05 (29:54):
What?
Why?
SPEAKER_06 (29:55):
We're gonna get you some hair.
A wig?
We can't afford for you to gointo high school.
We're running out of time.
SPEAKER_12 (30:05):
Willie and Mari enter the backlot of the Brock
Gatling set and immediatelysecret themselves behind the
rear of one in a line of talenttrailers.
In an effort to conceal hisappearance, Mari wears the race
car helmet that Willie gave him.
SPEAKER_06 (30:17):
Oh yeah.
This is very subtle.
It's either this or you canexpose yourself with the
follicle challenged mutant youreally are.
Alright, let's just move on.
Just waiting for security toreturn to his posts.
Okay, take gone.
Let's go.
SPEAKER_12 (30:36):
They both round the rear corner of the trailer.
Willie stealthily sneaks pastthe entrance to the trailer, but
as May approaches.
SPEAKER_14 (30:52):
I don't bring my characters home, so I'm living
with Maywey until the film isdone.
Interesting technique.
SPEAKER_05 (30:58):
Ah Willie, you either grew a new head or
perhaps the end double.
SPEAKER_14 (31:04):
Who is this bald beauty standing next to you?
SPEAKER_05 (31:08):
Oh, uh, well.
Hi, Miss Sooty.
Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Um, Maury Stillman's hairlessbrother, uh, uh older brother,
um, Barry Stillman.
SPEAKER_14 (31:19):
Well, hello, Barry Stillman.
I didn't realize Maury had abrother, especially one so
smooth.
He's been my manager for yearsand never mentioned it.
SPEAKER_05 (31:32):
Oh, yes.
Well, uh, uh, we are both verymysterious and unfortunately
estranged.
Uh, I happen to be in town, andWillie suggested we have a
reunion of sorts.
SPEAKER_14 (31:43):
How long are you in town?
SPEAKER_05 (31:44):
Oh, uh, a few days, uh, but I could be easily
influenced to stay longer.
Wow.
SPEAKER_14 (31:53):
Perfect.
Well, now you know where I live,so if you need something to do,
if you get lonely during yourstay, feel free to stop by.
SPEAKER_05 (32:03):
The reunion could wait a couple hours.
Why don't I just, you know?
SPEAKER_06 (32:07):
Maurice, Brother Barry.
I really think we should getgoing now.
SPEAKER_05 (32:14):
Yes, yes.
It was a delight meeting you,Miss Soony.
Um, for the very first timeever, yeah.
And I assure you, we will meetagain.
SPEAKER_14 (32:23):
Such a gentleman.
Please call me Abalonia.
SPEAKER_05 (32:28):
Ah, Abalonia.
My little desert breeze.
Until our next meeting.
SPEAKER_06 (32:39):
My little desert breeze.
SPEAKER_05 (32:42):
Is that what it feels like to be an actor?
That was invigorating.
SPEAKER_06 (32:47):
Stick with your day job, Barry.
SPEAKER_12 (33:01):
The young, talented special effects makeup artist
Trenton Drake is closing up shopas Wari and Willie arrive.
Hey.
Trenton.
SPEAKER_03 (33:10):
Willie! What are you doing here?
Did the shooting schedulechange?
SPEAKER_06 (33:15):
No.
I'm not needed back on a set fora couple days, but I need a
favor.
Something, hush, hush, under thetable.
SPEAKER_03 (33:25):
Now we're talking.
What do you need?
A bloodbath?
Lots of core?
Oh, even better! Explosives!I've got a ton of explosives!
Let's rake something and blow itto high hell!
SPEAKER_06 (33:42):
No need for pyrotechnics.
Do you have on hand what itwould take to make very
realistic hair?
SPEAKER_03 (33:50):
I mean, you name it, I can do it.
What kind of hairstyle do youwant?
SPEAKER_06 (33:56):
Oh, it's not for me.
SPEAKER_03 (33:58):
Okay, well, uh, who we talking about?
SPEAKER_06 (34:01):
Maury, come on in.
SPEAKER_03 (34:06):
Um hi.
Whoa, whoa.
Maury, what happened to you?
You look like if a naked Morakgot cast a plate like Sleuther.
That's it!
SPEAKER_05 (34:20):
You can find me an Apollonious trailer!
SPEAKER_06 (34:23):
Maury, stop it! We don't have time for this.
Trenton, work your magic.
Do whatever you can do torestore his former beauty.
Oh, including eyebrows.
SPEAKER_03 (34:35):
This will not be a problem.
SPEAKER_06 (34:37):
Excellent.
Thanks, Trenton.
Okay, Kojak, you stay here.
Wait, where are you going?
Gotta talk to Kiff about our newcast member.
SPEAKER_03 (34:46):
You wanna talk to Kif?
Just be warned, our illustriousdirector normally goes on a
post-shoot bender.
I'm not sure how coherent he'llbe.
SPEAKER_05 (34:58):
I have some uppers in my pocket if you think it'll
help.
SPEAKER_06 (35:01):
No, thank you.
I just need him awake and lucid,and that's iconic.
Okay, enough talking.
Wish me luck.
Well, goodbye.
SPEAKER_05 (35:15):
Now Drinking, my good man.
How familiar are you withMullen?
SPEAKER_12 (35:28):
Willie knocks on the trailer door of Rocket Gatling's
director, Kif Maxim.
An indiscernible muffled soundof protest is heard.
Willie decides to let himselfin.
SPEAKER_06 (35:39):
Giff! Give! Wake up, man! I need to talk to you.
It's important.
SPEAKER_08 (35:52):
What is what what do you what do you want?
What do you want something?
I don't know.
GIF!
SPEAKER_06 (35:59):
Come over here.
Sit.
Sit on the couch.
SPEAKER_08 (36:04):
Oh no, no, no, no.
It's pronounced Kiff, not theKif Wheelie! Willie, oh you
beautiful man! You carved from amarble, look at the face!
SPEAKER_06 (36:18):
Look at copy to the chicks, you're so beautiful.
At least you're using your wordsnow.
Listen, I have a very importantand urgent matter to discuss.
It's literally a matter of lifeand death.
SPEAKER_08 (36:29):
Ah, the eternal struggle we must all face.
From the immortal bard to die tosleep.
To sleep perchance to dream.
Aye, there is the rub that makesa calamity of so long a life.
SPEAKER_06 (36:49):
You're quoting Hamlet as a good sign.
SPEAKER_08 (36:54):
Ah my boy! Willie! It's you! It's wait a minute.
How you get in here?
Kiff! It's KIF! Stupid asshole!I hold this mirror to my face.
(37:17):
I look into the eyes of the manstaring above at me.
I see truth and the man hewhispers aback.
Wait a minute, is Manos reallythat large?
Oh my goodness, look at thatthing.
SPEAKER_06 (37:34):
Holy hell, how am I ever gonna get you to sober up?
Lady Lazarus is gonna kill me.
SPEAKER_08 (37:42):
Wait, did you say Lady Lazarus?
Yes.
You know her?
Tell me what's going on.
I have a sobered up.
SPEAKER_12 (37:57):
Meanwhile, back at the special effects and makeup
department, Triton provides thefinishing touches on Maury's new
look.
SPEAKER_03 (38:04):
Maury, I've gotta say, this might be some of my
best work.
I don't get many opportunitiesfor such subtlety.
SPEAKER_06 (38:13):
Oh yeah, very subtle.
SPEAKER_05 (38:16):
Willie, what do you think?
Business in the front?
Party in the back.
SPEAKER_06 (38:21):
You have yourself a mullet.
SPEAKER_05 (38:23):
Oh, you've heard of it.
Uh so what's the word?
Did you convince Keefe?
SPEAKER_06 (38:28):
Oh yeah.
It didn't take that much.
No shit.
SPEAKER_05 (38:31):
What'd you say?
SPEAKER_06 (38:32):
All I had to do was mention her name, and I had his
undivided attention.
He's having a contract drawn upas we speak.
SPEAKER_05 (38:40):
So, aha, we're all set.
With Trenton's brilliant work, Ican walk amongst the living
again without tarnishing myreputation.
Sentucci Milano's niece willhave a role in the movie?
All that's left now is to showup at the location tomorrow
night at midnight and uh deliverthis package.
SPEAKER_06 (38:58):
Speaking of, where are we supposed to meet?
I left those details in yourcar.
Where the fuck is my car?
unknown (39:07):
Hey, hold up! Hold up!
SPEAKER_05 (39:10):
Hey, hey! Hey, are you the driver of that Pontiac
Firebird Trans Am Turbo?
Yeah, that's me.
Damn, what a sweet ride.
SPEAKER_06 (39:17):
How much horsepower?
Out 210.
Oh, that baby must hum.
It can go zero to 60 in aboutsix seconds.
I even like the color.
Never seen that type of silverbefore.
It's a custom job.
A color scheme of my own design.
Mixed silver with a littlenickel, but the secret is a dash
of octane red.
Damn.
(39:37):
I'd love to get a look under thehood sometime.
SPEAKER_05 (39:40):
Say, you know, I hate to break up the auto
erotica love fest you two boysare having right now, but when
you're done putting your motorboners away, any chance you
could tell us where the sweetride is?
Yeah, I I had it towed.
Yeah, you can't park it here.
Toad?
Do you know who this is?
This is Willie Topez, star ofthe next big action franchise,
(40:02):
Brock Gatlin.
We were here for a very urgentmeeting, and we were pressed for
time.
You know, you Hollywood typesare all the same.
Thinking you can just park yourfancy cars anywhere you want.
You know, some of us actuallyhave to work for a fucking
living.
SPEAKER_06 (40:18):
All right, all right.
Just tell us where they towedit, and we'll leave it at that.
No harm, no foul.
SPEAKER_05 (40:23):
Oh, sure thing, Mr.
Topaz.
It's the Lickety Splits TowingCompany on, um, what was that
street?
Uh North Broadway.
Lickety Splits, North Broadway.
Got it.
The least you could do is callus a cab, since you've
inconvenienced us.
Oh, sure.
Why don't I just get right onthat?
Such a Hollywood elitist, justexpecting us all to bow down, to
(40:45):
jump at your every beck andcall?
God! You give the rest of usmullet heads a bad name!
SPEAKER_06 (40:50):
I can speak with them myself, if it's too much
trouble.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No trouble at all, Mr.
Topaz.
Uh, Gerard is on it.
SPEAKER_05 (40:58):
And you are Gerard?
That's me.
Gerard.
Um, split personality much?
He thinks the security guard wasdropped on his head one too many
times as a kid.
unknown (41:10):
Hey.
SPEAKER_05 (41:11):
I will have you know I was dropped a total of two
times, but this mullet covers upthe bumps nicely.
You Hollywood snobs all thumbingyour noses at us when it suits
you.
You and your private dinners andcocaine parties, I'd rip that
fucking mullet right off yourhead if it wasn't permanently
fixed to your scalp, youasshole! Actually.
Not another word.
SPEAKER_12 (41:42):
Willie and Mari are sitting in the back of a canary
taxicab as they are driven tothe Likety Splits towing
company.
SPEAKER_07 (41:48):
Oh shucks.
I'm uh I'm probably gonna kickmyself for doing this.
I drive celebrities all the timeliving out here, you know, but
aren't you Willie Topaz?
Yeah, that's me.
Well, I seen your posters aroundtown.
Brock gatling.
Looks awesome, man.
Oh well, I appreciate that.
(42:10):
I'm not all that used to beingrecognized.
Yes.
Oh man, it's only a matter oftime, am I right?
It'll happen, trust me.
You got the juice, you know whatI'm saying?
You must uh you must do allright with the ladies, am I
right?
I do okay.
(42:31):
He says with a straight face,yeah.
I bet you got them swarmingafter you, don't you?
Just drowning in it.
But hey, you can never play ittoo safe, am I right?
Play it safe?
Yeah, man for your dadger.
Uh, you know, your John Thomas.
Dude, your one-eyed trousersnake?
(42:54):
Hmm.
How much longer?
I'm telling you right now,Balzac condoms, once you try
one, you'll never go back.
Got a whole stash of them in thetrunk.
Don't take my word for it.
Here, try it out for yourself.
SPEAKER_12 (43:08):
The cab driver hands Willie one condom, thankfully,
still wrapped in its package.
SPEAKER_07 (43:13):
Uh, thanks.
Here you go, Maury.
Ew, don't give me that.
Oh, come on, man.
We dudes, we gotta look out forone another.
You know what I'm saying?
Just try it out.
You and your pork sword willthank me for it.
Know what I mean?
SPEAKER_05 (43:29):
Oh my god.
Is this night ever going to end?
SPEAKER_12 (43:35):
As the seemingly endless night continues, Willie
and Mari have arrived at theLiquid Splits towing company to
retrieve Tylin, the modifiedPontiac Firebird Trans Am.
SPEAKER_06 (43:45):
Yeah.
Uh can I help you?
Uh, yeah.
My car was mistakenly towedhere, and I'm here to pick it
up.
SPEAKER_13 (43:51):
Not a problem.
Come on in.
I'll get you situated and haveyou out of here in a Jeff.
Okay, what's the making model?
It's a Pontiac Firebird Transamturbo.
Damn, that was yours?
Sweet ride.
SPEAKER_12 (44:05):
Say, what does the Just get me my goddamn car.
Tylon is driven to the front lotof the towing company and pulls
to a stop.
SPEAKER_13 (44:15):
Not a scratch.
Like I said, we get you out ofhere in two shakes of a lamb's
tail.
SPEAKER_05 (44:20):
You know, it seems like you'd say we'd get you out
of here lickety split, sincethat's the name of your company
and all.
SPEAKER_13 (44:27):
I don't understand the reference.
Anyway, that'll be$200.
Maury, pay the man.
SPEAKER_05 (44:33):
Oh, yes, sir.
It would be my pleasure.
I'll make sure to invoice you,Lickety Split.
SPEAKER_12 (44:45):
Now that Willie and his beloved car have been
reunited, he drives Mari back tohis condo so they can both rest
and finally put this dreadfulday behind them.
SPEAKER_06 (44:55):
I hope they didn't smoke in here.
Still smells funny.
So, Maury, forgetting anything?
SPEAKER_05 (45:03):
Oh, yeah, right.
I think I'm gonna contactsomeone at Balzac Condoms.
I love the packaging.
Maybe we can get some of thatdelicious commercial money.
Just think of it, Willie.
Your face on every Balzac.
SPEAKER_06 (45:17):
I'd really prefer not to think about that.
SPEAKER_04 (45:21):
Okay.
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_06 (45:25):
Um, anything else you may have for me?
SPEAKER_05 (45:29):
Oh, I do find it odd that uh one of the ingredients
on the wrapper includesturpentine.
But uh I don't know, condoms.
When I'm having relations, Iprefer to go on natural, if you
will.
SPEAKER_06 (45:44):
Maury, what is the location for the drop-off
tomorrow night?
SPEAKER_05 (45:47):
Oh, right.
Uh it's uh it's uh oh uh I hadit on me.
Uh I wrote it down on a napkin.
Uh I must have lost it when Iwas hanging upside down.
You lost it?
No, no, no, but I remember it.
Uh shhh, hold on.
It's uh oh, it's uh it's a busstop uh at the corner of uh
(46:11):
Forth and Soho in Boyle Heights.
SPEAKER_06 (46:13):
Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_05 (46:15):
You sure?
Hey, I'm sure.
Come on! I'm not a completeimbecile.
I can remember things and youknow, uh still mint, we hold on
to stuff.
My sister Rosie will tell you.
We're known for our keeping ofthings and making sure they are
secure.
I mean, we're practicallyhoarders.
SPEAKER_06 (46:33):
We never misplaced never misplaced what the
package.
What do you mean?
Mori, start talking.
SPEAKER_05 (46:44):
Well, um, when we finally made it out of the mayor
estate, I had the package in onehand and the toupee in the
other.
Okay.
And I placed the package righthere on the floorboard, but but
in the ruckus of trying to getthe toupee off my head, and when
(47:05):
you finally brutally ripped itoff my head, uh shedding me of
my precious eyebrows.
Oh my god.
Maury, get to the point.
Yeah, it dropped on thefloorboard next to the package.
And when I And when you asked meto throw the toupee out the
window, I must have uh grabbedthe package by mistake.
SPEAKER_06 (47:26):
And you threw the package, the one we need to
deliver tomorrow night atmidnight, the package we have to
hand over to a courieraffiliated with the Milano Crime
Family, the package we aresupposed to be in possession of
to save our very lives out thewindow for a to pay.
SPEAKER_04 (47:51):
Yes.
We're dead!
SPEAKER_06 (47:56):
No, I'm not dead.
You're dead.
I'm just indebted to the mafiain perpetuity.
SPEAKER_04 (48:01):
Yes, okay.
Uh I stay corrected.
I retract that previousstatement.
I'm the one that will be dead.
I don't wanna die.
SPEAKER_05 (48:10):
Oh, especially if it's an open casket.
SPEAKER_04 (48:12):
Oh, does it go back even dead?
I can't be seen like this.
SPEAKER_13 (48:44):
And that's a wrap on tonight's nail-bighting episode
of Topaz and Stillman, an 80sadventure, starring Terry
Briscoe as Willie Topaz, JimFront as Maury Stillman, Damon
Allen as Rhythm Mercy, RebeccaLee as Lady Lazarus, Diamondi
Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey,Leslie Grant as Avalonia Sooney,
(49:09):
Brendan Ray as Trenton Drake,Mike Cunningham as Liketty Split
Employee, John Scott as BulkyGuard, Katie Joestock as Club
Ellipsis Employee, LarryOblander as Canon Studios
security guard, and MikePelletier as Kiff Maxim.
You can find a full list ofcredits in our show notes.
(49:30):
Need more blowout batches,screeching tires, hot pink
members-only jackets, and promosfor AquaNet.
Support us at patreon.comforward slash shoestring TV.
Or look for us anywhere youlisten to podcasts.
And don't touch that dialbecause coming soon, episode 3,
The Cutting Room, Part 2.
(49:52):
I'm Mike Cunningham sayingthanks for listening, and stay
tuned.
Hey Brock, did I scare you?
SPEAKER_06 (00:43):
I don't get scared.
I just get even.
But next time, announceyourself.
SPEAKER_15 (00:49):
It's me, Mewe, your partner, and sometimes rubber.
SPEAKER_06 (00:56):
Very funny.
SPEAKER_15 (00:58):
What is this place?
SPEAKER_06 (01:01):
An underground base of some kind.
I notice some makeshift lockedcages with crates and supplies
behind us.
My gut is telling me theirheadquarters must be even within
the cave.
That's where we'll find theraven.
SPEAKER_15 (01:15):
Oh! The raven! What is he after anyway?
SPEAKER_06 (01:20):
Like all extremely wealthy psychopathic villains I
encounter, world domination atany cost.
SPEAKER_15 (01:26):
Even if it means destroying the world they wish
to dominate in the process?
SPEAKER_06 (01:31):
Even then, but I don't think the raven considers
the consequences.
SPEAKER_15 (01:36):
What is that large create over there?
SPEAKER_06 (01:39):
Come on, let's check it out.
What?
This jump change.
Hold on.
SPEAKER_15 (02:03):
Wow! That boulder must have weighed over 700
pounds!
SPEAKER_06 (02:09):
A bitch more.
Let's take a look at that crate.
SPEAKER_15 (02:15):
Damn it.
Clate has huge paddle rock onit.
Maybe I can find Krumba overhere.
SPEAKER_06 (02:22):
No need.
SPEAKER_15 (02:28):
Wow! The crate just exploded.
SPEAKER_06 (02:33):
Courtesy of Hanshee Master Nahora.
I'm a tenth degree black belt.
SPEAKER_15 (02:39):
What is in there?
It's almost growing.
SPEAKER_06 (02:44):
I can feel it calling to me.
SPEAKER_15 (02:57):
What is that?
SPEAKER_06 (03:03):
It's the M134 GAU seventeen gatling gun.
SPEAKER_15 (03:08):
Gatling, like you lost an M.
It's it's like it was made foryou.
SPEAKER_13 (03:43):
An 80s adventure.
A shoestring TV production.
Tonight is episode two, titledThe Cutting Room, Part One.
Starring Terry Briscoe as WillieTopaz, Jim Frunk as Maury
Stillman, and introducingRebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus.
(04:06):
Written and directed by JasonBeard.
SPEAKER_18 (04:46):
Yep.
Ate at the Windsor.
They have a beef wellingtonthat's to die for.
So, uh, you been?
I'm a vegetarian.
Alright, well, they have saladtoo.
SPEAKER_12 (05:00):
Before we get started, I have a question.
Is there a reason this book hasno chapters?
It just seems to run on from oneportion of Willie's life to the
next with no discerniblestructure.
One passage I'm in 83.
The next paragraph I'mrecounting Willie's childhood in
the 60s.
SPEAKER_18 (05:16):
I don't know.
Mr.
Stillman felt by eliminatingchapters he could save a
significant amount of money onpublishing costs or something.
SPEAKER_12 (05:24):
Mary Stillman being cheap.
That doesn't surprise me.
SPEAKER_18 (05:29):
Oh, will this keep you from regaling us with your
dulcet tones?
No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_12 (05:36):
I think it's been firmly established that I'm
doing this under dress.
SPEAKER_02 (05:40):
Hmm, well, I thought maybe it was the impending
bankruptcy and career suicide.
But what do I know?
And we're rolling.
SPEAKER_12 (06:01):
Lyric Dorsey, the love of Willie's life, the one
who got away.
And who has now re-enteredWillie's life, stands in front
of the stage at the EllipsisClub.
She's beaming in anticipationfor her current boyfriend,
Rhythm Mercy, to take the stage.
SPEAKER_06 (06:20):
So, Lyric, what did you call this again?
Spoken poetry?
SPEAKER_17 (06:26):
You would more likely hear it called slam
poetry.
The poets use their bodies toexpress themselves through
engaging and sometimescontroversial topics and sound.
SPEAKER_06 (06:38):
Okay.
SPEAKER_17 (06:41):
It will make more sense when you see it.
He's stepping out now.
Watch.
SPEAKER_12 (06:48):
Lyric gently wraps her arms around Willie's.
She squeezes harder as herboyfriend, Rhythm Mercy, appears
on stage.
There was no questioning it.
He had a presence.
It made Willie furious.
SPEAKER_11 (07:25):
The road.
A crossroad?
Red light.
Stop sign.
You dig the path.
Because you were told to.
Smash, smash, smash, cash, cash,cash.
(07:46):
You dig?
Ask not what your country can dofor you.
Ask.
Oh, baby.
SPEAKER_12 (07:52):
Just add.
As rhythm continues itsperformative diatribe, Willie
couldn't help but wonder, who isRhythm Mercy?
Rhythm Mercy was born onFebruary 1st of 1954 in
(08:14):
Washington, D.C.
It's counting.
Rhythm Mercy.
Sculptor.
Noticed Rhythm's uncanny abilityto mimic any person movie.
A Paul Lord Stunback High Schoolrandom one class customer for
all four years of the studiowith the spirit head of the
first major theatrical anddrummer for the next year.
SPEAKER_17 (08:33):
It's me, Mr.
Topaz.
SPEAKER_06 (08:38):
Yes, that's me.
SPEAKER_17 (08:40):
You have a call?
SPEAKER_06 (08:41):
Oh.
Okay.
Lyric, will you excuse me?
And I'm so broken up about that.
Really?
It hurts, but.
SPEAKER_17 (08:54):
You're a big star now.
SPEAKER_06 (08:56):
Oh, nothing like that.
I gotta take this.
Seriously.
It's been amazing seeing you.
I'll be in touch soon.
Unless you want to come with.
SPEAKER_16 (09:06):
I appreciate the offer, but I should probably
stay here.
SPEAKER_06 (09:11):
Right.
SPEAKER_12 (09:13):
Probably for the best.
Willie follows the club employeeover to the bar and is handed a
phone.
SPEAKER_06 (09:22):
Hello, this is Willie.
SPEAKER_05 (09:24):
Hey Willie.
What are you up to?
SPEAKER_06 (09:28):
Maury, I'm watching something called slam poetry?
Wait, how did you know I washere?
SPEAKER_05 (09:36):
Oh, I pay people to keep tabs on you.
Relax.
I make the studios pay for it.
Doesn't come out of our bottomline.
SPEAKER_06 (09:44):
You pay people to spy on me?
SPEAKER_05 (09:47):
Yeah.
I mean, hey, you're a hotcommodity and we can't be too
safe.
Say, um, any chance you canmosey on over to the Lewis B.
Mayor Estate?
You know it?
SPEAKER_06 (09:58):
Of course.
Who doesn't?
But why are you there?
SPEAKER_05 (10:02):
Well, you know, uh, the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06 (10:06):
What is the Lazarus?
SPEAKER_05 (10:08):
Oh, no, no, no.
Not a what?
A who?
The Lazarus is a very successfuland wealthy Hollywood film
producer and financier.
SPEAKER_06 (10:17):
And I take it this Mr.
Lazarus lives at the Louis B.
Mayor estate.
SPEAKER_05 (10:22):
Well, it's not Mr.
Lazarus.
He is a she, and she just goesby the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06 (10:30):
You're making my brain hurt, man.
SPEAKER_05 (10:33):
Willie, can you just meet me here or not?
SPEAKER_06 (10:36):
Sure, Maury.
Give me about an hour.
SPEAKER_05 (10:39):
Can you make it in uh 20 minutes?
Uh scratch that.
19 minutes.
SPEAKER_06 (10:44):
Maury, why did you just count down?
SPEAKER_05 (10:48):
Uh, because the timer I'm staring at is counting
down.
SPEAKER_06 (10:54):
Why are you staring at a timer?
SPEAKER_05 (10:57):
Well, I mean, it's not for my health.
I can tell you that much.
Shit! 18 minutes!
SPEAKER_06 (11:04):
Maury, I'm on my way.
SPEAKER_12 (11:11):
15 minutes and 22 seconds later, Willie brings
Talon to a screeching halt infront of the iron security gate,
protecting the Lewis B.
Mayor estate.
He exits his modified PontiacTransam and walks towards the
Rot Iron Gate.
Without warning, the gate'sopen.
(11:40):
Willie cautiously walks past theopen security gate and
approaches the wrought iron andcage front door situated
centrally within the buildingwhere an on guard built like a
brick shit house greets him.
SPEAKER_00 (12:00):
You miss the topaz?
Uh yeah.
I'm Willie.
SPEAKER_06 (12:04):
She's expecting you.
You don't need to pat me down?
I could be packing.
Pat you down.
SPEAKER_00 (12:19):
She waited with you.
SPEAKER_12 (12:59):
Of the many darkened rooms that are visible from the
foyer, Willie notices only onewith lights on.
He passes a spiraling staircaseand slinks to a slightly open
door.
He presses his fingertips to thedoor and eases it open.
Something releases from theshadow-bathed ceiling and floats
(13:21):
to the floor.
Shit, a rat just flew at me.
SPEAKER_05 (13:26):
It's not a rat.
SPEAKER_12 (13:30):
Willie steps closer to the fallen object and picks
it up to inspect it.
It's uh to pay?
SPEAKER_06 (13:37):
Mori, where are you?
SPEAKER_05 (13:39):
Up here.
SPEAKER_06 (13:41):
Whoa, what the hell?
Why are you tangled in a nethanging from the ceiling?
SPEAKER_05 (13:47):
Oh, I think I'm just checking off the crown molding.
That's superb work.
What the hell do you think I'mdoing up here?
What do you mean?
Get me down from here.
SPEAKER_06 (13:56):
How do you expect me to do that?
SPEAKER_05 (13:59):
There's a lever or something over by the mini-bar.
Above the bottom of her mouth.
SPEAKER_06 (14:08):
Oh, this lever?
unknown (14:12):
Ah!
SPEAKER_05 (14:14):
Yeah.
That's the lever.
Help me up, will ya?
SPEAKER_12 (14:19):
Willie helps Maury off the floor and is astonished
by his manager's appearance.
SPEAKER_06 (14:28):
You you wear a piece?
Not another word.
Wow.
You you're old.
SPEAKER_04 (14:40):
Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.
SPEAKER_05 (14:43):
I'm known for my luscious locks.
I mean, look, Willie.
We all have our secrets.
SPEAKER_01 (14:52):
And some secrets should stay that way, don't you
think, Mr.
Topaz?
SPEAKER_12 (14:57):
Willie is startled by the woman who seems to have
simply materialized in the room.
Standing in front of him is themysterious Hollywood movie
producer and financier knownonly as The Lazarus.
She is tall, beautiful,elegantly dressed, and
completely terrifying.
SPEAKER_06 (15:14):
Mrs.
Miss the Lazarus, I presume.
SPEAKER_01 (15:22):
Here is a secret of my own, Mr.
Topaz.
It's Lady Lazarus.
But men don't like to admit thata woman had them pissing in
their pants, do they?
So they conveniently drop theforename when they share the
tale of being visited by theLazarus.
SPEAKER_06 (15:45):
So, Lady Lazarus, tell me another secret.
Why did you have my managertrapped in a net hanging from
the ceiling?
SPEAKER_01 (15:54):
You're more handsome than I imagined.
I'm pleased to see that you werea wise investment, after all.
SPEAKER_12 (16:03):
An investment?
A fireplace behind Williesuddenly ignites, emitting
toasty, quivering flames.
The warm flickering lightreveals an ornate queen and
table secured in the center ofthe room.
The incandescent glow alsoilluminates a variety of
sharply-bladed weapons of allshapes and sizes adorning a long
(16:25):
wall in front of him.
SPEAKER_01 (16:27):
Have a seat.
SPEAKER_12 (16:28):
Take a load off.
SPEAKER_01 (16:30):
Let me regale you with a tale.
SPEAKER_05 (16:33):
Hey, Willie! Can I have my rug back?
It's a bit of a draft.
SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Actually, I'll take that, Mr.
Stillman.
No! If you chilled, Mr.
Stillman, sit close to the fire.
SPEAKER_12 (16:51):
Willie and Maury both sit down as instructed.
Maury turns to the fireplace andwatches as his toupee slowly
burns the fire.
SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
Mr.
Topaz.
Are you familiar with the LouisB.
Meyer estate?
Particularly its history.
SPEAKER_06 (17:07):
I know more about the man than the mansion.
I know he's the mayor and MetroGolden Mayor, otherwise known as
MGM.
I know he was born in theRussian Empire but grew up in
Canada.
Holy shit! You actually knowthat?
I didn't even know that.
SPEAKER_01 (17:22):
Well, let's fast forward the tape to his time in
Los Angeles.
More pointedly, 1939, which somewould call the golden year for
MGM and for Mr.
Mayer.
Cinematic masterpieces wereedited in this very room: Gone
with the Wind, The Women, andThe Wizard of Oz, to name a few.
(17:46):
This room became known as theCutting Room.
As in the idiom on the cuttingroom floor.
SPEAKER_12 (17:53):
As Lady Lazarus raps on about historical cinematic
virtue, Maury suddenly slides inhis chair closer to the
fireplace, his hands behind hisback.
He squeezes a hand through anopening in the back of the chair
and tries to pluck his toupeeout of the fireplace.
Without flinching, Lady Lazarusturns a dial on a nearby wall
and the fireplace erupts withstronger, large flames.
SPEAKER_04 (18:17):
Ouch! Ouch! Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm genetically
predisposed to be excessive tofire!
SPEAKER_05 (18:24):
Mori! Can't blame me for trying.
SPEAKER_01 (18:28):
Let's just say we've appropriated the name for this
room, even if its intendedpurpose has changed.
SPEAKER_06 (18:34):
And I'm probably not going out on a limb and saying
that the cutting room has moreto do with those blades on the
wall than missing footage fromCitizen Kane.
SPEAKER_01 (18:43):
That was an RKO film, but yes, you're picking up
what I'm putting down.
SPEAKER_06 (18:48):
Okay.
Message received.
But I still haven't heard why.
SPEAKER_01 (18:53):
This role, Rock Gatling.
Not only are you the lead, butthis has become quite the payday
for you.
Wouldn't you agree?
SPEAKER_05 (19:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (19:03):
Maury really fought for me.
SPEAKER_05 (19:06):
Any chance we can turn down the heat a bit?
I'm feeling a littlecharbroiled.
SPEAKER_01 (19:11):
Ah, and here is where we arrive at Maury's
secret.
And not the one that involveshis male-pattern bulness.
SPEAKER_05 (19:20):
Hey, I'm very vulnerable over here.
SPEAKER_01 (19:25):
I've financed many films over the years, and due to
my affiliation with a certainItalian crime family, I prefer
being the silent, silentpartner.
So when Maori came to me, talkedabout this new super talented
actor he's representing, anactor deserving of opportunity
and success, I would agree thathe went to bat for you.
(19:50):
And I was happy to oblige undercertain conditions.
SPEAKER_06 (19:56):
Maury, is this true?
Hey, I just wanted the best foryou, kid.
But what did you agree to?
SPEAKER_01 (20:06):
I'm afraid even he wouldn't be able to tell you
that, Mr.
Topaz.
All he knew is that a day wouldcome where a favor would be
asked of him, in exchange forpumping several million more
into the Brock Gatling budget,largely to support your rather
exorbitant salary.
(20:26):
And today was the day I came tocollect.
SPEAKER_06 (20:32):
But he refused.
SPEAKER_01 (20:36):
Refused?
I hardly understand the meaningof the word.
No, no, no, no, no.
He misunderstood.
SPEAKER_06 (20:46):
Which led to him hanging from the ceiling.
SPEAKER_01 (20:49):
He needed a different point of view to see
the world from an alternateperspective.
A rather mild nudge in the ribs,considering.
SPEAKER_06 (20:59):
And what is this favor being asked of him?
SPEAKER_01 (21:02):
Well, why ask for one favor when you can get a
second one for free?
First, deliver a package.
A package?
What package?
What is it?
I don't have to tell you that,Mr.
Topaz.
SPEAKER_06 (21:21):
Um, right, right.
Good point.
Uh, very fair.
And the second favor?
SPEAKER_01 (21:28):
A member of the family, his niece, Adriana
Milano, aspires to be anactress.
Let's say, a supporting role inthe Brock Gatling film.
SPEAKER_06 (21:40):
The one we're in the middle of shooting right now?
He'd have to convince thedirector.
The script would have to berewritten.
SPEAKER_01 (21:48):
It's impossible.
No.
Nothing is impossible.
If the appropriate amount ofpressure is applied.
And you don't seem to be lackingin motivation.
SPEAKER_06 (22:02):
Since refusal is not part of your vocabulary, what
happens if he's unsuccessful incompleting these favors?
SPEAKER_01 (22:09):
Not he, but we.
I would be remiss if I didn'tpoint out that you were never
supposed to be here in the firstplace.
Until Mari decided to includeyou.
SPEAKER_05 (22:21):
I was sure I was about to be the roast beef
sandwich in someone's sacklunch.
SPEAKER_01 (22:27):
There is still time, Mr.
Stillman.
But it's running out.
So you better get to it.
Both of you.
SPEAKER_05 (22:38):
So we can go?
SPEAKER_06 (22:41):
Not so fast, Maury.
How much time do we have?
SPEAKER_01 (22:46):
The package is expected to be delivered at
midnight, two days from now.
You'll be meeting a courier withties to the family.
During this exchange, at thetime of delivery, you'll also
confirm that the Milano niecehas been cast in the movie.
SPEAKER_06 (23:03):
Where does the package need to be delivered?
SPEAKER_01 (23:06):
Maury has the details.
I'm not one to repeat myself.
You have 48 hours.
I'd suggest you get a move on.
SPEAKER_12 (23:15):
Willie and Maury stand and walk towards the
entrance of the cutting roomwhen they are interrupted.
SPEAKER_01 (23:20):
Oh, Mr.
Topaz.
I never answered your question.
The what if?
And I like you, Mr.
Topaz.
And I protect my investments.
So no harm will come to you.
But if you both fail to meetthese demands, you will be
(23:46):
indebted to the Milano CrimeFamily in perpetuity.
And like so much celluloid, Mr.
Stillman will be left on thecutting room floor.
SPEAKER_12 (24:04):
However brief, the silence in the room was
deafening, and Willie couldn'tstop trembling.
SPEAKER_01 (24:12):
Now, he'd caution in your response.
I know your mama raised agentleman.
Do we understand each other?
SPEAKER_06 (24:22):
Yes.
Loud and clear.
SPEAKER_01 (24:26):
Good.
Now get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_06 (24:42):
I can't believe you did that, Maury.
You said mosey on over.
About an hour ago, I wasstanding next to the woman of my
dreams, and now I'm making adelivery for the mafia.
I lost my head.
Indebted to the Malammoorganized crime family in
(25:04):
perpetuity?
Are you serious?
SPEAKER_05 (25:07):
Officer.
It was made from the fineestpool here and oxenhead.
I didn't even know it was oxenand palm.
SPEAKER_06 (25:18):
And you're bald?
What?
Who would have seen that coming?
I am not old.
Yes.
SPEAKER_05 (25:26):
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Stop the car.
Stop the car.
She may have scared us half todeath, but she didn't take
everything from us.
SPEAKER_06 (25:46):
What's that smell?
That's right.
SPEAKER_04 (25:50):
The rug is back, baby.
SPEAKER_06 (25:53):
No, you didn't.
SPEAKER_05 (25:55):
You pulled your toupee out of the fire.
That's right.
Now come back home, my precious.
My precious.
Oh shit, ow! Oh, still reallyhot.
SPEAKER_06 (26:06):
Get that off your head.
It looks like you rescued agerbil from a house fire.
Oh, we showed her, didn't we?
SPEAKER_05 (26:12):
She thought she won.
SPEAKER_06 (26:14):
Stop talking to it.
Seriously.
You need to get that thing outof my car.
It smells like burnt shoes.
SPEAKER_05 (26:22):
I'm trying.
I think it's melted to my head.
SPEAKER_04 (26:29):
Stop pulling! Stop pulling! It hurts!
SPEAKER_06 (26:32):
What are you thinking?
SPEAKER_05 (26:35):
I don't even have time for this.
We have to get back to thestudio.
Oh no, no.
I I I can't show up like this.
Come on.
I'm nothing without my hair.
It's what I'm known for.
SPEAKER_06 (26:47):
It's not your hair.
It's a Peruvian oxen's hair.
This is no longer even hair.
It's road Q.
SPEAKER_04 (26:55):
Okay, okay.
Paul.
Damn you.
SPEAKER_05 (27:02):
Paul, what your life depends on it.
SPEAKER_06 (27:04):
I'm trying, and as it turns out, our lives do
depend on it.
Thanks to you.
SPEAKER_05 (27:11):
Give me that.
Did you get it?
Does it look okay?
SPEAKER_12 (27:20):
Um, sure.
Maury frantically opens thevisor mirror.
SPEAKER_05 (27:24):
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
SPEAKER_04 (27:26):
Where are my eyebrows?
Oh, you pulled off my eyebrows?
SPEAKER_06 (27:31):
I did no such thing.
I had a firm grasp on thetoupee.
I didn't touch your eyebrows.
The melted glue must havedripped down.
SPEAKER_05 (27:42):
I'm I'm hideous.
I'm a freak.
SPEAKER_06 (27:47):
I look like a naked mole.
Hey, at least your eyebrows willgrow back.
I'm ruined.
It's over.
Ah, don't talk like that.
SPEAKER_05 (27:57):
Who am I without my hair?
It was my identity.
SPEAKER_06 (28:01):
Look, there are plenty of bald leading men out
there.
SPEAKER_05 (28:04):
Oh yeah.
Name one.
SPEAKER_06 (28:07):
Oh, um, um you Don't say you, Brenner! Because he's
the only one.
Okay, enough.
We need to focus.
We have about two days beforethe delivery.
Hold up.
What time is it?
Okay.
I think I know how we can helpyou.
SPEAKER_05 (28:25):
What?
What are you thinking?
Just trust me.
Okay, I trust you.
Sorry about all that doom andgloom earlier.
Well, let's get going.
I sort of felt like you weregonna uh, you know, put the
pedal to the metal.
SPEAKER_06 (28:41):
Is the nuke toupee still in a car?
SPEAKER_05 (28:44):
Um, well, uh throw it out, Maury.
Well, uh I thought uh maybe uh Icould take it home with me,
yeah?
It's not a pet.
Throw it out! Well, goodbye,little buddy.
Oh, we had some fun.
You weren't just glued hair onmy head.
You were my partner in crime.
(29:04):
We saw sunsets together, wesurvived wind tunnels,
convertible rides, and even oneill-fated jet ski adventure.
Well, uh, you just wanted to paythough.
You were you were family.
Get rid of it! Fine! You haveme.
SPEAKER_12 (29:36):
The Trans Am Turbo Talent comes to a stop outside
the back lot of Canon FilmStudio.
It's around midnight, and Willieis betting on the backlot being
healthy.
SPEAKER_06 (29:48):
Okay, we're here.
We're gonna need to sneak youonto the Brock set and find
special effects and makeup.
SPEAKER_05 (29:54):
What?
Why?
SPEAKER_06 (29:55):
We're gonna get you some hair.
A wig?
We can't afford for you to gointo high school.
We're running out of time.
SPEAKER_12 (30:05):
Willie and Mari enter the backlot of the Brock
Gatling set and immediatelysecret themselves behind the
rear of one in a line of talenttrailers.
In an effort to conceal hisappearance, Mari wears the race
car helmet that Willie gave him.
SPEAKER_06 (30:17):
Oh yeah.
This is very subtle.
It's either this or you canexpose yourself with the
follicle challenged mutant youreally are.
Alright, let's just move on.
Just waiting for security toreturn to his posts.
Okay, take gone.
Let's go.
SPEAKER_12 (30:36):
They both round the rear corner of the trailer.
Willie stealthily sneaks pastthe entrance to the trailer, but
as May approaches.
SPEAKER_14 (30:52):
I don't bring my characters home, so I'm living
with Maywey until the film isdone.
Interesting technique.
SPEAKER_05 (30:58):
Ah Willie, you either grew a new head or
perhaps the end double.
SPEAKER_14 (31:04):
Who is this bald beauty standing next to you?
SPEAKER_05 (31:08):
Oh, uh, well.
Hi, Miss Sooty.
Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Um, Maury Stillman's hairlessbrother, uh, uh older brother,
um, Barry Stillman.
SPEAKER_14 (31:19):
Well, hello, Barry Stillman.
I didn't realize Maury had abrother, especially one so
smooth.
He's been my manager for yearsand never mentioned it.
SPEAKER_05 (31:32):
Oh, yes.
Well, uh, uh, we are both verymysterious and unfortunately
estranged.
Uh, I happen to be in town, andWillie suggested we have a
reunion of sorts.
SPEAKER_14 (31:43):
How long are you in town?
SPEAKER_05 (31:44):
Oh, uh, a few days, uh, but I could be easily
influenced to stay longer.
Wow.
SPEAKER_14 (31:53):
Perfect.
Well, now you know where I live,so if you need something to do,
if you get lonely during yourstay, feel free to stop by.
SPEAKER_05 (32:03):
The reunion could wait a couple hours.
Why don't I just, you know?
SPEAKER_06 (32:07):
Maurice, Brother Barry.
I really think we should getgoing now.
SPEAKER_05 (32:14):
Yes, yes.
It was a delight meeting you,Miss Soony.
Um, for the very first timeever, yeah.
And I assure you, we will meetagain.
SPEAKER_14 (32:23):
Such a gentleman.
Please call me Abalonia.
SPEAKER_05 (32:28):
Ah, Abalonia.
My little desert breeze.
Until our next meeting.
SPEAKER_06 (32:39):
My little desert breeze.
SPEAKER_05 (32:42):
Is that what it feels like to be an actor?
That was invigorating.
SPEAKER_06 (32:47):
Stick with your day job, Barry.
SPEAKER_12 (33:01):
The young, talented special effects makeup artist
Trenton Drake is closing up shopas Wari and Willie arrive.
Hey.
Trenton.
SPEAKER_03 (33:10):
Willie! What are you doing here?
Did the shooting schedulechange?
SPEAKER_06 (33:15):
No.
I'm not needed back on a set fora couple days, but I need a
favor.
Something, hush, hush, under thetable.
SPEAKER_03 (33:25):
Now we're talking.
What do you need?
A bloodbath?
Lots of core?
Oh, even better! Explosives!I've got a ton of explosives!
Let's rake something and blow itto high hell!
SPEAKER_06 (33:42):
No need for pyrotechnics.
Do you have on hand what itwould take to make very
realistic hair?
SPEAKER_03 (33:50):
I mean, you name it, I can do it.
What kind of hairstyle do youwant?
SPEAKER_06 (33:56):
Oh, it's not for me.
SPEAKER_03 (33:58):
Okay, well, uh, who we talking about?
SPEAKER_06 (34:01):
Maury, come on in.
SPEAKER_03 (34:06):
Um hi.
Whoa, whoa.
Maury, what happened to you?
You look like if a naked Morakgot cast a plate like Sleuther.
That's it!
SPEAKER_05 (34:20):
You can find me an Apollonious trailer!
SPEAKER_06 (34:23):
Maury, stop it! We don't have time for this.
Trenton, work your magic.
Do whatever you can do torestore his former beauty.
Oh, including eyebrows.
SPEAKER_03 (34:35):
This will not be a problem.
SPEAKER_06 (34:37):
Excellent.
Thanks, Trenton.
Okay, Kojak, you stay here.
Wait, where are you going?
Gotta talk to Kiff about our newcast member.
SPEAKER_03 (34:46):
You wanna talk to Kif?
Just be warned, our illustriousdirector normally goes on a
post-shoot bender.
I'm not sure how coherent he'llbe.
SPEAKER_05 (34:58):
I have some uppers in my pocket if you think it'll
help.
SPEAKER_06 (35:01):
No, thank you.
I just need him awake and lucid,and that's iconic.
Okay, enough talking.
Wish me luck.
Well, goodbye.
SPEAKER_05 (35:15):
Now Drinking, my good man.
How familiar are you withMullen?
SPEAKER_12 (35:28):
Willie knocks on the trailer door of Rocket Gatling's
director, Kif Maxim.
An indiscernible muffled soundof protest is heard.
Willie decides to let himselfin.
SPEAKER_06 (35:39):
Giff! Give! Wake up, man! I need to talk to you.
It's important.
SPEAKER_08 (35:52):
What is what what do you what do you want?
What do you want something?
I don't know.
GIF!
SPEAKER_06 (35:59):
Come over here.
Sit.
Sit on the couch.
SPEAKER_08 (36:04):
Oh no, no, no, no.
It's pronounced Kiff, not theKif Wheelie! Willie, oh you
beautiful man! You carved from amarble, look at the face!
SPEAKER_06 (36:18):
Look at copy to the chicks, you're so beautiful.
At least you're using your wordsnow.
Listen, I have a very importantand urgent matter to discuss.
It's literally a matter of lifeand death.
SPEAKER_08 (36:29):
Ah, the eternal struggle we must all face.
From the immortal bard to die tosleep.
To sleep perchance to dream.
Aye, there is the rub that makesa calamity of so long a life.
SPEAKER_06 (36:49):
You're quoting Hamlet as a good sign.
SPEAKER_08 (36:54):
Ah my boy! Willie! It's you! It's wait a minute.
How you get in here?
Kiff! It's KIF! Stupid asshole!I hold this mirror to my face.
(37:17):
I look into the eyes of the manstaring above at me.
I see truth and the man hewhispers aback.
Wait a minute, is Manos reallythat large?
Oh my goodness, look at thatthing.
SPEAKER_06 (37:34):
Holy hell, how am I ever gonna get you to sober up?
Lady Lazarus is gonna kill me.
SPEAKER_08 (37:42):
Wait, did you say Lady Lazarus?
Yes.
You know her?
Tell me what's going on.
I have a sobered up.
SPEAKER_12 (37:57):
Meanwhile, back at the special effects and makeup
department, Triton provides thefinishing touches on Maury's new
look.
SPEAKER_03 (38:04):
Maury, I've gotta say, this might be some of my
best work.
I don't get many opportunitiesfor such subtlety.
SPEAKER_06 (38:13):
Oh yeah, very subtle.
SPEAKER_05 (38:16):
Willie, what do you think?
Business in the front?
Party in the back.
SPEAKER_06 (38:21):
You have yourself a mullet.
SPEAKER_05 (38:23):
Oh, you've heard of it.
Uh so what's the word?
Did you convince Keefe?
SPEAKER_06 (38:28):
Oh yeah.
It didn't take that much.
No shit.
SPEAKER_05 (38:31):
What'd you say?
SPEAKER_06 (38:32):
All I had to do was mention her name, and I had his
undivided attention.
He's having a contract drawn upas we speak.
SPEAKER_05 (38:40):
So, aha, we're all set.
With Trenton's brilliant work, Ican walk amongst the living
again without tarnishing myreputation.
Sentucci Milano's niece willhave a role in the movie?
All that's left now is to showup at the location tomorrow
night at midnight and uh deliverthis package.
SPEAKER_06 (38:58):
Speaking of, where are we supposed to meet?
I left those details in yourcar.
Where the fuck is my car?
unknown (39:07):
Hey, hold up! Hold up!
SPEAKER_05 (39:10):
Hey, hey! Hey, are you the driver of that Pontiac
Firebird Trans Am Turbo?
Yeah, that's me.
Damn, what a sweet ride.
SPEAKER_06 (39:17):
How much horsepower?
Out 210.
Oh, that baby must hum.
It can go zero to 60 in aboutsix seconds.
I even like the color.
Never seen that type of silverbefore.
It's a custom job.
A color scheme of my own design.
Mixed silver with a littlenickel, but the secret is a dash
of octane red.
Damn.
(39:37):
I'd love to get a look under thehood sometime.
SPEAKER_05 (39:40):
Say, you know, I hate to break up the auto
erotica love fest you two boysare having right now, but when
you're done putting your motorboners away, any chance you
could tell us where the sweetride is?
Yeah, I I had it towed.
Yeah, you can't park it here.
Toad?
Do you know who this is?
This is Willie Topez, star ofthe next big action franchise,
(40:02):
Brock Gatlin.
We were here for a very urgentmeeting, and we were pressed for
time.
You know, you Hollywood typesare all the same.
Thinking you can just park yourfancy cars anywhere you want.
You know, some of us actuallyhave to work for a fucking
living.
SPEAKER_06 (40:18):
All right, all right.
Just tell us where they towedit, and we'll leave it at that.
No harm, no foul.
SPEAKER_05 (40:23):
Oh, sure thing, Mr.
Topaz.
It's the Lickety Splits TowingCompany on, um, what was that
street?
Uh North Broadway.
Lickety Splits, North Broadway.
Got it.
The least you could do is callus a cab, since you've
inconvenienced us.
Oh, sure.
Why don't I just get right onthat?
Such a Hollywood elitist, justexpecting us all to bow down, to
(40:45):
jump at your every beck andcall?
God! You give the rest of usmullet heads a bad name!
SPEAKER_06 (40:50):
I can speak with them myself, if it's too much
trouble.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No trouble at all, Mr.
Topaz.
Uh, Gerard is on it.
SPEAKER_05 (40:58):
And you are Gerard?
That's me.
Gerard.
Um, split personality much?
He thinks the security guard wasdropped on his head one too many
times as a kid.
unknown (41:10):
Hey.
SPEAKER_05 (41:11):
I will have you know I was dropped a total of two
times, but this mullet covers upthe bumps nicely.
You Hollywood snobs all thumbingyour noses at us when it suits
you.
You and your private dinners andcocaine parties, I'd rip that
fucking mullet right off yourhead if it wasn't permanently
fixed to your scalp, youasshole! Actually.
Not another word.
SPEAKER_12 (41:42):
Willie and Mari are sitting in the back of a canary
taxicab as they are driven tothe Likety Splits towing
company.
SPEAKER_07 (41:48):
Oh shucks.
I'm uh I'm probably gonna kickmyself for doing this.
I drive celebrities all the timeliving out here, you know, but
aren't you Willie Topaz?
Yeah, that's me.
Well, I seen your posters aroundtown.
Brock gatling.
Looks awesome, man.
Oh well, I appreciate that.
(42:10):
I'm not all that used to beingrecognized.
Yes.
Oh man, it's only a matter oftime, am I right?
It'll happen, trust me.
You got the juice, you know whatI'm saying?
You must uh you must do allright with the ladies, am I
right?
I do okay.
(42:31):
He says with a straight face,yeah.
I bet you got them swarmingafter you, don't you?
Just drowning in it.
But hey, you can never play ittoo safe, am I right?
Play it safe?
Yeah, man for your dadger.
Uh, you know, your John Thomas.
Dude, your one-eyed trousersnake?
(42:54):
Hmm.
How much longer?
I'm telling you right now,Balzac condoms, once you try
one, you'll never go back.
Got a whole stash of them in thetrunk.
Don't take my word for it.
Here, try it out for yourself.
SPEAKER_12 (43:08):
The cab driver hands Willie one condom, thankfully,
still wrapped in its package.
SPEAKER_07 (43:13):
Uh, thanks.
Here you go, Maury.
Ew, don't give me that.
Oh, come on, man.
We dudes, we gotta look out forone another.
You know what I'm saying?
Just try it out.
You and your pork sword willthank me for it.
Know what I mean?
SPEAKER_05 (43:29):
Oh my god.
Is this night ever going to end?
SPEAKER_12 (43:35):
As the seemingly endless night continues, Willie
and Mari have arrived at theLiquid Splits towing company to
retrieve Tylin, the modifiedPontiac Firebird Trans Am.
SPEAKER_06 (43:45):
Yeah.
Uh can I help you?
Uh, yeah.
My car was mistakenly towedhere, and I'm here to pick it
up.
SPEAKER_13 (43:51):
Not a problem.
Come on in.
I'll get you situated and haveyou out of here in a Jeff.
Okay, what's the making model?
It's a Pontiac Firebird Transamturbo.
Damn, that was yours?
Sweet ride.
SPEAKER_12 (44:05):
Say, what does the Just get me my goddamn car.
Tylon is driven to the front lotof the towing company and pulls
to a stop.
SPEAKER_13 (44:15):
Not a scratch.
Like I said, we get you out ofhere in two shakes of a lamb's
tail.
SPEAKER_05 (44:20):
You know, it seems like you'd say we'd get you out
of here lickety split, sincethat's the name of your company
and all.
SPEAKER_13 (44:27):
I don't understand the reference.
Anyway, that'll be$200.
Maury, pay the man.
SPEAKER_05 (44:33):
Oh, yes, sir.
It would be my pleasure.
I'll make sure to invoice you,Lickety Split.
SPEAKER_12 (44:45):
Now that Willie and his beloved car have been
reunited, he drives Mari back tohis condo so they can both rest
and finally put this dreadfulday behind them.
SPEAKER_06 (44:55):
I hope they didn't smoke in here.
Still smells funny.
So, Maury, forgetting anything?
SPEAKER_05 (45:03):
Oh, yeah, right.
I think I'm gonna contactsomeone at Balzac Condoms.
I love the packaging.
Maybe we can get some of thatdelicious commercial money.
Just think of it, Willie.
Your face on every Balzac.
SPEAKER_06 (45:17):
I'd really prefer not to think about that.
SPEAKER_04 (45:21):
Okay.
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_06 (45:25):
Um, anything else you may have for me?
SPEAKER_05 (45:29):
Oh, I do find it odd that uh one of the ingredients
on the wrapper includesturpentine.
But uh I don't know, condoms.
When I'm having relations, Iprefer to go on natural, if you
will.
SPEAKER_06 (45:44):
Maury, what is the location for the drop-off
tomorrow night?
SPEAKER_05 (45:47):
Oh, right.
Uh it's uh it's uh oh uh I hadit on me.
Uh I wrote it down on a napkin.
Uh I must have lost it when Iwas hanging upside down.
You lost it?
No, no, no, but I remember it.
Uh shhh, hold on.
It's uh oh, it's uh it's a busstop uh at the corner of uh
(46:11):
Forth and Soho in Boyle Heights.
SPEAKER_06 (46:13):
Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_05 (46:15):
You sure?
Hey, I'm sure.
Come on! I'm not a completeimbecile.
I can remember things and youknow, uh still mint, we hold on
to stuff.
My sister Rosie will tell you.
We're known for our keeping ofthings and making sure they are
secure.
I mean, we're practicallyhoarders.
SPEAKER_06 (46:33):
We never misplaced never misplaced what the
package.
What do you mean?
Mori, start talking.
SPEAKER_05 (46:44):
Well, um, when we finally made it out of the mayor
estate, I had the package in onehand and the toupee in the
other.
Okay.
And I placed the package righthere on the floorboard, but but
in the ruckus of trying to getthe toupee off my head, and when
(47:05):
you finally brutally ripped itoff my head, uh shedding me of
my precious eyebrows.
Oh my god.
Maury, get to the point.
Yeah, it dropped on thefloorboard next to the package.
And when I And when you asked meto throw the toupee out the
window, I must have uh grabbedthe package by mistake.
SPEAKER_06 (47:26):
And you threw the package, the one we need to
deliver tomorrow night atmidnight, the package we have to
hand over to a courieraffiliated with the Milano Crime
Family, the package we aresupposed to be in possession of
to save our very lives out thewindow for a to pay.
SPEAKER_04 (47:51):
Yes.
We're dead!
SPEAKER_06 (47:56):
No, I'm not dead.
You're dead.
I'm just indebted to the mafiain perpetuity.
SPEAKER_04 (48:01):
Yes, okay.
Uh I stay corrected.
I retract that previousstatement.
I'm the one that will be dead.
I don't wanna die.
SPEAKER_05 (48:10):
Oh, especially if it's an open casket.
SPEAKER_04 (48:12):
Oh, does it go back even dead?
I can't be seen like this.
SPEAKER_13 (48:44):
And that's a wrap on tonight's nail-bighting episode
of Topaz and Stillman, an 80sadventure, starring Terry
Briscoe as Willie Topaz, JimFront as Maury Stillman, Damon
Allen as Rhythm Mercy, RebeccaLee as Lady Lazarus, Diamondi
Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey,Leslie Grant as Avalonia Sooney,
(49:09):
Brendan Ray as Trenton Drake,Mike Cunningham as Liketty Split
Employee, John Scott as BulkyGuard, Katie Joestock as Club
Ellipsis Employee, LarryOblander as Canon Studios
security guard, and MikePelletier as Kiff Maxim.
You can find a full list ofcredits in our show notes.
(49:30):
Need more blowout batches,screeching tires, hot pink
members-only jackets, and promosfor AquaNet.
Support us at patreon.comforward slash shoestring TV.
Or look for us anywhere youlisten to podcasts.
And don't touch that dialbecause coming soon, episode 3,
The Cutting Room, Part 2.
(49:52):
I'm Mike Cunningham sayingthanks for listening, and stay
tuned.
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