November 18, 2025 • 59 mins
Episode 3: The Cutting Room, Part 2
The Scoop
A midnight drop. An earthquake on Mulholland. A mystery package, studio trickery, and a surprise visit from Willie’s parents. With Lady Lazarus lurking and the Milano's closing in, Willie gambles everything on a daring plan to save Maury—what could possibly go wrong?
The Players
- Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz (Brock Gatling)
- Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman
- Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus
- Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy (Narrator)
- Lisa Stewart LeBon as Cleo Ames
- Shaun Scott as Dallas Ames & Tiny Tippy
- Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni
- Eric Carlino as Clifford Moss & Stuey Longbottom
- Brendan Wreay as Trenton Drake
- Mitch Leschinski as Audio Engineer & Bear Wrangler
- Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon
- Michael Cunningham as Milano Courier & Announcer
- Logan Beard as Huey Longbottom
Also Starring:
- Melrose Johnson as Production Assistant
- Samantha DeSuze as Concierge
- Larry Oblander as Gaffer
The House
- Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
- Associate Producer: Andy Parkin
The Anthem
"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby
- Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey
- Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
- Drums: Marcus Graham
- Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
- Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington
The Biz
- https://www.patreon.com/c/ShoestringTV
- https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/shoestringtv/topaz-and-stillman-an-80s-adventure-podcast
- https://youtube.com/@shoestringtv7048?si=js5A-O
Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe
Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_12 (00:19):
It's midnight.
The eve of the delivery hasarrived.
Lily Topaz stirs in the shadowsas he observes intrepidation as
Maury Stoon, his manager andfriend, walks the abandoned lot
of the Cobalt Canine bus stationat the corner of 4th Street in
Soho in Boyle Heights.
Maury finally spots the Milanocourier who stands outside the
entranceway to the abandoned busstation.
(00:42):
The courier's face is bathed inshadow, preventing the
stranger's glare from beingseen.
But Maury can feel it.
In spite of every fiber in hisbeing telling him to turn tail
and run, Maury approaches thecourier with the package in his
charge.
SPEAKER_03 (00:59):
Stop right there.
You stillman?
SPEAKER_09 (01:02):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's me.
SPEAKER_03 (01:05):
I assume you're the courier.
In a manner of speaking, I'mtold you have a message for me.
You don't want the package?
The message, first.
SPEAKER_09 (01:16):
Unless I was misinformed.
Uh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I I have a message.
See here, uh, the Milano niece.
She has been cast in the BrockGatling film.
The contract has been drawn up.
All she needs to do is sign.
SPEAKER_03 (01:34):
Excellent.
All right.
On behalf of the Milano familia,Mr.
Milano personally gives histhanks.
Now, uh, the package.
Here it is.
Uh, don't suppose you'll tell mewhat's in there.
Oh, uh, you'll find out.
(01:56):
Thank you, Mr.
Stillman.
With regards from Mr.
SPEAKER_12 (02:01):
Milano.
The courier brandishes a45-caliber pistol and aims the
weapon at Mari, who freezes infear.
The courier turned assassin hasMari dead to rights, but before
he can pull the trigger, asecond gun leaps out of the
shadows and rushes toward Mari.
SPEAKER_20 (02:19):
Die, Maury! DIE! Maury! No!
SPEAKER_01 (02:40):
Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and
Stillman, an 80s adventure, ashoestring TV production.
Tonight is episode 3, TheCutting Room, Part 2, starring
Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz,Jim Front as Maury Stillman,
written and directed by JasonBeard.
SPEAKER_12 (03:33):
Twenty-four hours earlier, Maury and Willie
arrived at St.
Cloud Road, where Maury believeshe mistakenly threw the package
out of the car window.
Instead of his beloved, getcharred to pay.
SPEAKER_06 (03:44):
Stop! Stop!
SPEAKER_02 (03:47):
Are you sure this is the place?
SPEAKER_09 (03:49):
St.
Cloud Road.
I know old Bel Air.
SPEAKER_02 (03:59):
Do you see it?
SPEAKER_09 (04:00):
Not yet.
Wait, wait, I see it.
It was pushed under a tree.
Might have been hit by a car orsomething.
unknown (04:10):
Shit.
SPEAKER_02 (04:11):
Is it still in one piece?
SPEAKER_09 (04:13):
Sounds like it.
That was easy.
Are those claw marks?
SPEAKER_02 (04:48):
I can see that boy.
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
SPEAKER_09 (04:53):
Stay calm.
Make yourself hard.
Um, this is not a two-time.
This because I couldn't saygoodbye to a two-bag.
Oh, this is no way for a tie.
Stop moving.
(05:15):
I can feel this breath from mybow tie?
What did you say?
Hey, wait a minute.
The bear has a bow tie.
Willie! The bear has a bow tie!A bow tie?
Mori, what the hell are youtalking about?
Tiny Tippy, is that you?
(05:37):
You know that bear.
Yes, this bear is acting roundy.
He's the younger brother of Bartthe Bear.
It's Tiny Tippy.
Uh, believe it or not, he almostsigned with me.
SPEAKER_02 (05:50):
Tiny Tippy?
Nothing tiny about him.
SPEAKER_09 (05:54):
It's ironic.
Hey Tippy, uh, why are you outhere, buddy?
You almost represented a bear.
It would have happened too, buthe wouldn't agree to my five
percent of the back end.
Uh, did I agree to five percentof the back end?
Uh Willie, uh this is hardly thetime to talk money.
(06:17):
Wait, Tippy, where's yourwrangler, buddy?
Ho ho, there you are, my littlebear buddy.
Looks like you lost your bear.
Yeah, yeah, sorry about that.
Uh, no offense, but isn't thissort of your whole job?
(06:38):
To, you know, wrangle him.
SPEAKER_05 (06:40):
No argument there, but Tippy's a special breed, a
true escape artist.
He skips out on us about once amonth.
A 700-pound black bear that runsaway from home.
1100 pounds, but uh, who'scounting, am I right?
Oh, he's not running away.
Trust me, he gets treated betterthan the Prince of Wales.
(07:02):
Tiny Tippy just has an endlesscuriosity.
SPEAKER_02 (07:06):
Any chance we've satisfied his curiosity?
Some of us need to get someshut-eye.
SPEAKER_09 (07:11):
Oh, sure.
You just have to tell himgoodbye.
Okay, simple enough.
Goodbye, Tippy.
No, you have to hug him.
This night just keeps gettingweirder and weirder.
Any chance we could do thisquickly?
Oh, sure, Willie, no pressure.
Let me just give this 800-poundbeast a big old bear hug.
SPEAKER_05 (07:32):
1100 pounds, but who's counting?
Uh, this is embarrassing.
You just insulted tiny tippy.
SPEAKER_09 (07:42):
Oh, hey, sorry, big fella.
I meant nothing by it.
A bear hug is just uh uh theturn of phrase.
Come here, you big hairy lug.
SPEAKER_05 (07:56):
Oh, that's a good hug.
SPEAKER_09 (07:58):
Whoa! What's that smell?
Oh man, he's ripe.
Oh, he knows.
Uh it's part of the dominancething.
The bear who smells thestrongest?
No, it's in his rider.
He only gets bathed every threemonths.
What a prima donna! All right,well, uh, this has been a real
pleasure, Tippy.
(08:20):
You can say goodbye now.
Goodbye, Tippy.
Uh-oh, he's waving his paw.
Is he waving goodbye?
SPEAKER_05 (08:28):
No, he's saying something smells.
SPEAKER_09 (08:32):
Something stinky, boy?
What stinks, Tippy?
Oh, he's he he's covering hisnose now.
SPEAKER_05 (08:38):
Oh, sir.
Your uh your backside, uh what?
Maury, did you just shit!
SPEAKER_09 (08:45):
Ha! I mean it's a giant bear.
He's terrifying.
SPEAKER_02 (08:51):
Yep.
Uh-huh.
After what you put us through,there's no way I'm letting you
sit in talent.
You're walking home.
SPEAKER_09 (08:59):
Willie, how!
SPEAKER_02 (09:01):
Have a heart, will you?
Sorry, pal.
I've bailed you out enough forone night.
You're on your own.
SPEAKER_09 (09:09):
Willie! Say, Mr.
Bear Wrangler.
Uh you got any room?
Care to give me a lift?
SPEAKER_05 (09:30):
I got tiny trailer hitched in my pickup.
Yeah, there's some leg room inthere.
Room?
In the animal trailer.
SPEAKER_09 (09:39):
With an 800-pound bear?
SPEAKER_05 (09:42):
1,100 pounds.
But who's counting?
SPEAKER_12 (09:56):
It's 4 a.m.
Willie arrives at his apartmentworse for wear, exhausted.
He opens the front door, placesthe mysterious package on his
dining room table, tosses thecar keys on his kitchen counter,
ignores his answering machine,and collapses face first into
the bed.
(10:17):
Until there's a knock at thedoor.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Willie storms out of hiscomfortable bed and stomps
toward his front door, the pastevening still reeling in his
mind.
Mari putting his and Willie'slife at risk, all for financial
gain and Willie's own fatepotentially in the clutches of
(10:38):
the mafia, all by the hands andat the orders of Lady Lazarus?
Lady Lazarus lunges at Willie,ensnaring him in a deep embrace,
and then places her lips on his.
SPEAKER_02 (11:54):
Oh, stop it.
Just my stage name.
SPEAKER_16 (11:58):
Oh, I'm well aware.
SPEAKER_02 (12:00):
So, I have to ask, what is this?
SPEAKER_16 (12:04):
What is what?
SPEAKER_02 (12:06):
You making a house call.
SPEAKER_16 (12:08):
I told you I have a great interest in my
investments.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Oh, and is this how you treat all of your
investments?
SPEAKER_16 (12:18):
No, no.
Some don't have the perfectshaped ass that you do.
SPEAKER_02 (12:24):
Got it.
So this is just more of a bootycall.
SPEAKER_16 (12:27):
It was fun.
But that's all it was.
I was curious, and you satisfiedthat curiosity.
With a vengeance, I might add.
SPEAKER_02 (12:41):
And what if I refused?
SPEAKER_16 (12:44):
We've been down this road, honey.
You didn't stand a chance.
I can see you're disappointed.
But don't be.
If you need to feel it wassomething special, then know
(13:05):
this.
I don't need almost any of myinvestments like this.
I'm not as protective of them asI am of you.
SPEAKER_02 (13:14):
Protective?
Like protecting your bottomline?
SPEAKER_16 (13:18):
You make it sound so cold, so heartless.
And how could you accuse me ofhaving no heart?
Since you felt it poundingagainst your chest only hours
ago.
I just wish.
SPEAKER_02 (13:34):
Just wish what?
SPEAKER_16 (13:36):
Oh, it's nothing.
SPEAKER_02 (13:39):
No, it's okay.
SPEAKER_16 (13:40):
You can tell me.
I just wish I could provide thesame level of protection for
him.
Him who?
Your manager, Mari.
Nope.
Unfortunately, he's made his ownbed.
Okay, sugar.
I gotta go.
SPEAKER_02 (13:56):
Wait, what do you mean he's made his bed?
I thought he was safe as long aswe made the delivery tonight.
SPEAKER_16 (14:02):
You have to understand, Willie.
In these types of circumstances,I'm little more than the
messenger.
There isn't anything else that Ican do.
I've probably said too muchalready.
Get some rest.
Don't let anything stand in theway of making that delivery
tonight.
That package over there on thedinner table, it must be put in
(14:25):
the hands of the courierdirectly at midnight.
SPEAKER_02 (14:29):
But Maury, he's my friend.
If circumstances for him havechanged, I'd like the chance to
help him.
SPEAKER_16 (14:36):
Then you better hope to make it to the drop-off on
time.
I fear that is the only possiblehope you have.
You know what?
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I have to go.
SPEAKER_12 (14:51):
Goodbye, Willie.
Lady Lazarus gently kisses hischeek and then turns from
Willie, promptly exiting theapartment.
Willie's mind is reeling.
He walks over to his dining roomtable to examine the package
meant for delivery with themafia-employed courier.
(15:13):
He places a hand on the wrapperand then, without thought or
foresight, Willie rips thepackage open.
He peers inside.
His eyes widen and his jawdrops.
Willie urgently enters hiskitchen and picks up his phone.
(15:33):
Meanwhile, back at the CanonFilms Backlot on the Brock
Gatling set, Mari Stillmanawakens in Abalonia Sunnis
talent trailer, Sans Wig, posingas his fictional, estranged
brother, Barry Stillman.
SPEAKER_11 (15:51):
Oh, Barry, I must admit, I didn't think I'd see
you again.
But the way you entered thetrailer, so animalistic.
Even down to your grizzly-likemusk.
It left me downright beguiledand transfixed.
SPEAKER_09 (16:08):
More like uh a black bear-like musk.
But yes, my sultry desertbreeze.
This is the Stillman way.
We enchant, we charm, then webathe vigorously, and then we
dazzle and engross.
Oof, I'm glad I had thefull-size shower installed.
Then shall we dirty ourselves sowe can partake in the full-size
(16:32):
shower once more?
Oh, Barry!
SPEAKER_11 (16:36):
You beast.
Yes, who is it?
Hey, you know I'm still incharacter.
SPEAKER_10 (16:47):
Right, right.
Yes?
Which uh one are you lookingfor?
Um more than one?
SPEAKER_09 (16:56):
Let me clear this up, my cactus flower.
Uh, I doubt my brother Maury hasmentioned to anyone in the set
that I'm in town.
SPEAKER_11 (17:03):
Okay, Black Bear, but hurry back to me, please.
Mayways getting hungry.
SPEAKER_10 (17:10):
Oh, sorry.
I thought Maury Stillman was uhYes, yes.
SPEAKER_09 (17:14):
I'm his brother Barry, but I can take the
message.
SPEAKER_10 (17:17):
Oh, great.
SPEAKER_09 (17:18):
It's Mr.
Topaz.
Wait, he's here?
No, on the phone.
Here's Mr.
Topaz.
This is Barry Stillman.
How can I help you?
I'm I'm very busy.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
Okay.
Wait.
Hold up.
Did you?
Are you in Babylonia?
SPEAKER_09 (17:37):
No, I am not.
My beautiful brother Barry is.
Well, he was, and and he will beagain as soon as this
conversation is over.
SPEAKER_02 (17:47):
Maury, I just wanted to say.
SPEAKER_09 (17:49):
What?
What?
What do you need to talk about?
SPEAKER_02 (17:52):
I shouldn't have made you get a rat home with
someone else last night.
I shouldn't have left youbehind.
SPEAKER_09 (17:57):
Ah man, look, Willie.
I put us through a real doozy ofa day yesterday.
That's what I do.
Start with something I thinkwill turn out good, and and then
it just turns into a big heapingpile of shit.
Right.
Uh but only when black bears areinvolved.
SPEAKER_02 (18:19):
What is it now?
Huh?
Oh, someone's at the door.
Be right there.
Okay, let me see who this is.
See you tonight.
SPEAKER_09 (18:29):
Willie, uh, um, so we're good.
You and I.
SPEAKER_02 (18:33):
Always, Maury.
Always.
SPEAKER_09 (18:37):
See you then.
SPEAKER_02 (18:38):
Oh, Maury.
You should definitely call yourcontact at Ballzack Condoms.
I think it's a quality product.
SPEAKER_09 (18:45):
Um, okay, and how do you know that?
SPEAKER_02 (18:49):
I'll see you tonight, Maury.
Bye.
Yes?
Can I help you?
SPEAKER_00 (18:55):
Uh-uh.
Uh, are you Mr.
Topaz?
SPEAKER_02 (18:58):
Uh, depends on who's asking.
SPEAKER_00 (19:01):
Okay, I work at the front desk and we got an urgent
message from Mr.
Topaz.
SPEAKER_02 (19:05):
Yep, that's me.
What's the message?
SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
It simply says, change of plans.
Meet the man in the pinstripedovercoat at exactly 2 p.m.
LAX Gate 3.
SPEAKER_02 (19:15):
Pinstriped overcoat LAX Terminal 3, 2 p.m.
Got it.
SPEAKER_12 (19:27):
Willie arrives at LAX Terminal 3.
It's 2 p.m.
His eyes probe the crowd,looking for a man in a
pinstriped overcoat amongst asea of travelers.
As of what happened, the manwearing the coat would find him.
SPEAKER_08 (19:42):
Are you Willie Topaz?
Don't turn around.
Don't turn around.
Just answer the question.
SPEAKER_02 (19:50):
Yes, I'm Willie.
SPEAKER_08 (19:52):
The famous actor, star of Brock Gatling?
SPEAKER_02 (19:56):
Well, I don't know if I'd describe myself as famous
yet.
Um, I brought the package.
Kinda glad to get this overwith.
Package?
SPEAKER_12 (20:05):
What package?
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
Willie turns toward themysterious man and grabs him by
the collar to reveal he isactually Dad?
SPEAKER_08 (20:14):
My boy! So what did you think of my message?
Pretty dramatic, right?
Dad, I thought you were wait,why are you dressed like that?
Fresh duds, right?
I was going for a mafia type.
Only thing I'm missing is aTommy gun.
SPEAKER_02 (20:34):
Yeah, great suit.
Guess the joke's on me.
Dad, why are you here?
SPEAKER_17 (20:40):
Now my son, the busy movie star, is not going to
stand there and tell me.
He's too busy for his mom anddad.
Mom?
SPEAKER_02 (20:48):
You're both here.
SPEAKER_17 (20:50):
Clayton, did you actually forget we were coming?
Um.
I told you we should have phonedfirst.
SPEAKER_08 (20:56):
I just figured no matter how high his star rose,
he wouldn't be too big for hisbritches.
To make time for his two lovingparents.
SPEAKER_02 (21:06):
You're landing on pretty thick there, Pops.
SPEAKER_17 (21:09):
Did you really forget our plans, son?
SPEAKER_02 (21:12):
Of course not.
Uh, remind me what they were?
The plans?
SPEAKER_17 (21:18):
You're taking us to Canon Studios to give us a tour
of the Brock Gatling set.
Then your father will be anextra for a shootout scene
you're shooting tonight.
Hence his fresh duds.
Then tomorrow, a tour of LosAngeles, Malibu, the Sunset
Strip, shopping on Rodado Drive.
SPEAKER_08 (21:36):
Don't forget the giant lobsters at the palm.
SPEAKER_17 (21:38):
Then finally, lobster dinners at the palm.
Does all of this ring a bell?
SPEAKER_02 (21:45):
Yep.
That is the plan, just like wediscussed.
Uh, now, there may be a fewdetours along the way, if that's
all right.
SPEAKER_08 (21:54):
As long as it doesn't keep us from my big
screen debut or those deliciouslobsters, you'll hear no
complaints from me.
SPEAKER_02 (22:01):
Absolutely.
So, where are you two staying?
I can drop you off and get youchecked in.
SPEAKER_17 (22:06):
Um, you were supposed to have made
reservations at the BeverlyHills Hotel.
SPEAKER_02 (22:10):
Oh, of course I did.
Sure.
SPEAKER_12 (22:23):
With time ticking away in the dreaded impending
delivery fast approaching, Lilyraces through the 405.
SPEAKER_17 (22:29):
Is this how one drives in Los Angeles?
Can you please slow down?
SPEAKER_08 (22:34):
Slow down?
This coming from a formerOlympic gold medal champion of
track and field?
SPEAKER_02 (22:41):
Sorry, Mom.
This car is built for speed.
SPEAKER_08 (22:43):
I must say, this is one fine piece of machinery.
Although I've personally foundthe study of combustion engines
to be perfunctory, when onetravels in such style in McKee's
mode, you can't help but respectthe chemical reaction erupting
within the chassis.
Do you happen to know whatlightweight composites were used
to enhance aerodynamics?
(23:04):
Sorry, Pops.
SPEAKER_02 (23:05):
I forgot to ask.
Next car.
I'll definitely make it a pointto inquire.
SPEAKER_17 (23:10):
Where are all the blue skies and sun?
It seems so gray.
Nothing like I see in theflyers.
SPEAKER_02 (23:19):
Oh, we have plenty of days like that.
But it's amazing how quickly theday can turn into one you
weren't expecting.
SPEAKER_08 (23:26):
Whoa, whoa, stop, stop! That's Dustin Hoffman!
Wow! Truly astonishing!Celebrities are on every street
corner! That's a homeless man,Dad.
Are you sure?
The resemblance is uncanny.
SPEAKER_02 (23:42):
Yes, pretty sure the Oscar-nominated Dustin Hoffman
doesn't eat out of a trash canbehind Fat Burger.
Even the transients look likemovie stars.
SPEAKER_17 (23:50):
How intriguing.
The traffic is ridiculous.
How do you manage to getanywhere in this town?
SPEAKER_08 (23:57):
How can you be so unimpressed, sweetheart?
This is the home of Hollywood!
SPEAKER_17 (24:02):
Glitz and glamour! Look, if smog and vagrance are
your idea of glitz and glamour,that Mom, you're sounding a
little uppity there.
SPEAKER_02 (24:12):
You've been here all of five minutes.
This city has its charm.
You'll be a believer by the endof your trip.
SPEAKER_17 (24:18):
If you say so, it doesn't matter.
I didn't come here to sightsee.
I'm just so happy to see my babyboy.
And that manager of yours, Mr.
Stillman, he isn't trying tolure you in with drugs and
parties.
SPEAKER_02 (24:32):
No.
Oh, he trips the lightfantastic, no doubt, but he
would never risk my health, orlet's face it, my looks.
I'm his cash cow.
And he needs me to move all theway to the bank.
SPEAKER_08 (24:45):
It deserves to be celebrated.
The lineage of good looks youhail from.
SPEAKER_17 (24:50):
Oh my, just don't forget you're an extra, Mr.
Ames.
Your son is the one who gets thespotlight.
SPEAKER_08 (24:57):
I may give you a run for your money, my dear boy,
once the director sets hissights on me.
At this hour, he'll probably seetwo of you.
SPEAKER_17 (25:05):
Is there anyone sober in this town?
SPEAKER_08 (25:08):
You're looking at him.
And uh, what are the uh ladiesof Hollywood like?
SPEAKER_17 (25:17):
Dallas Ames.
Don't you encourage your son'sphilandering ways?
Son, what you need is a nicelady.
Someone with a strong familybackground, an independent, a
professional, a woman with agood head on her shoulders.
What was the name of that youngLyric?
SPEAKER_02 (25:37):
Lyric Dorsey?
SPEAKER_17 (25:38):
That's her.
She was such an angel.
Whatever happened to her?
SPEAKER_02 (25:44):
We need longer than this bumper to bumper traffic
jam to work through that one.
But as it would turn out, she'sin town and an actress too.
Wait, you've seen her?
SPEAKER_08 (25:54):
Your high school sweetheart?
Well, why didn't she join you?
And how come you didn't mentionthat you two were an item?
SPEAKER_02 (26:01):
That's because we're not.
She has a boyfriend, also anactor, a real pretentious type.
SPEAKER_08 (26:09):
Rhythm Mercy.
What on God's green earth is arhythm mercy?
That's his actual name?
Doubt it's his real name.
Sounds like a rejected Earthwindand Fire member.
Who are his parents?
Tempo and Pitch Mercy?
SPEAKER_12 (26:26):
As the traffic begins to let up, Willie begins
to.
Excuse me, what are you laughingat?
Willie's dad.
Oh, he has your number.
Earthwind and Fire is a highlyreputable and successful band.
I'm proud to even betangentially associated with
them.
SPEAKER_05 (26:44):
Oh yeah, I am very familiar, but you ain't one of
them, boss.
SPEAKER_12 (26:49):
I'll have you know I was this close to being a backup
singer for one of their recentconcerts.
SPEAKER_05 (26:54):
Oh.
Yeah, and what happened?
How did that fall through?
You seem like, uh, such ashoe-in.
SPEAKER_12 (27:01):
I just happened to mention that I would require a
365-degree radius of four feetaround me to ensure proper
acoustics.
Huh.
I can't imagine why they saidno.
It was a low point, no doubt.
SPEAKER_05 (27:14):
Aww, I'll make sure to send my condolences to your
parents, tempo and pitch.
I'm going to get back to readingnow.
By all means, we're speedingalong.
SPEAKER_12 (27:30):
Willie Topez arrives at the Cannon Studio Backlog
with his parents.
He parks in a security-approvedbacklog parking space and guides
his star-gazing parents onto theBrock Gatling set.
They are quickly intercepted byKit Max, the film's director,
who has already begun hisafternoon personal happy hour.
SPEAKER_21 (27:50):
Ah, Willie! My smooth block of marble.
Look at you.
Look at that face.
You're so handsome.
Oh, is this the Topaz family?
Oh my goodness, what a strikingmenage!
SPEAKER_17 (28:05):
We're the Ames family, actually.
Topaz is our son's stage name.
Oh, Ames! Like a Brock Gatling,Ames at the machine gun.
SPEAKER_21 (28:18):
How sofra dente?
SPEAKER_02 (28:20):
How are you, Kiff?
I'm very proud to introduce toyou Cleo and Dallas Ames.
As you can see, my father isalready dressed for the part of
Mafioso 2.
Oh, and a menacing, a tallerdrink of water he is.
SPEAKER_21 (28:33):
You are so much look at you.
Now tell me, Dallas, have youany acting experience?
SPEAKER_08 (28:40):
Believe it or not, I was quite the precocious
15-year-old and appeared in avery successful string of local
commercials out of Chicago as ayoung lad.
You never told me that before.
Who were the commercials?
Stewie Longbottom Slaw Dogs.
Uh say again?
Whoa! You were the little boy inthe Stewie Longbottom
(29:03):
commercials.
The one and only HueyLongbottom.
SPEAKER_13 (29:21):
I don't know what me, but I'm doing all the
SPEAKER_18 (30:11):
No way! Those dogs were unreal! A real staple of my
childhood! Oh man! My cloggedarteries and cholesterol count,
thank you.
Can I have an autograph?
SPEAKER_08 (30:22):
My autograph?
Well, I do aim to please.
Son, do you have a pen?
Uh there you go.
Lord have mercy.
Thank you, Mr.
Ames.
It's a real honor.
My pleasure.
How about that?
Tell me I'm just an extra now.
(30:43):
Everyone makes space.
Someone's head is gettingbigger.
You came by your love of actingnaturally, my son.
SPEAKER_09 (30:52):
Wait.
Do my eyes deceive me?
SPEAKER_17 (30:56):
Is that Debbie Allen?
Oh now you stop it, Maury.
You won't charm me with yourlecherous ways.
SPEAKER_02 (31:06):
Hey, Maury.
Any chance you can get these twobooked at the Beverly Hills?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_09 (31:11):
I have them in Bungalow 22.
A beautiful pigs.
Wait.
How did you know?
One of my spies told me, trustme, buddy.
I got you covered.
SPEAKER_02 (31:23):
We're gonna have to renegotiate on this whole spy
situation.
But for now, thank you.
And your spies very much.
SPEAKER_09 (31:30):
Mrs.
Ames, if you will allow me toescort you, I heard you were
fascinated with our wardrobe andcostume department.
And I've set it up so that youcan try on anything you want.
Lead the way, Mr.
Stillman.
SPEAKER_19 (31:46):
Mr.
Maxon, can I have a word?
Ah, yes.
What is it, my dear boy?
We were all set for the bigshootout scene today, but our
shipment of stage blood isdelayed.
We only have around 12 ouncesleft.
SPEAKER_21 (31:58):
What about the detrench coat?
Is it wired and ready?
Oh yeah.
It's ready to pop.
Okay.
So, Willie, my shining beacon,my million-dollar face.
It looks like we brought youhere to the set for nothing.
Mr.
Ames, my sincerest apologies.
We are going to have to delayyour debut.
(32:21):
Mr.
Drake, what time do we expectthe vads of a theatrical blood?
By noon.
Tomorrow.
What?
Ay, La Merda.
So just to summarize, we havethe guns.
We have the actors.
We have the location.
We have the blanks.
We have the squibs.
But no blood?
No blood.
SPEAKER_19 (32:41):
Just enough for the squid packets, but not for the
additional actors or that setitself.
SPEAKER_21 (32:46):
Uh oh.
Life of a director, eh?
It's a torturous profession.
My advice.
Unitelli.
Do not get into the movies.
Okay, we are not shooting today.
I'm off to my turn to my to uhto the place I go when we are
not shooting.
Arriva Derchit.
(33:08):
Oh jeez.
SPEAKER_12 (34:39):
As the news of the delayed shooting is announced,
Willie's thoughts turn to Mariand the impending danger and
possible death Lady Lazarusseemed to foretell postcoitus.
SPEAKER_02 (34:50):
Hold on.
Trenton, I think I found a wayto save the day.
How many guns are loaded andready?
We have three.
Any pistols?
Yep, two.
SPEAKER_19 (35:00):
What are you cooking up, Willie?
SPEAKER_02 (35:03):
Come with me.
Dad, looks like you will haveyour debut after all.
SPEAKER_12 (35:40):
All packed in the Cannon Studios production band,
rolling down Interstate 10 atnight.
The crew head towards the CobaltC-9 bus station.
The time?
SPEAKER_02 (35:51):
It's 11:15 p.m.
I appreciate you meeting with meon such a short notice,
Mossboss.
SPEAKER_07 (35:56):
It will be the last time if you keep using that
nickname.
SPEAKER_02 (36:01):
Sorry, buddy.
I think it's got legs.
So, what was a single dad likeyou do out this late anyway?
You actually saved me from ablind date.
SPEAKER_07 (36:09):
Oh, the Mossboss.
Looking for a little afternoondelight?
My sister set it up.
SPEAKER_17 (36:16):
And you said we saved you from the date.
SPEAKER_02 (36:19):
Sorry, Clifford.
Let me introduce you to myparents, Cleo and Dallas Ames.
SPEAKER_07 (36:23):
It's a real pleasure to meet both of you.
Your son is my prized pupil, anddare I say, my friend.
We've heard nothing but positivefeedback about you, Moss Boss.
You're right.
That nickname isn't goinganywhere.
SPEAKER_09 (36:37):
Okay, now that we're all one big happy family here, a
couple of questions.
First, Will, why did you forceme to wear this coat?
SPEAKER_02 (36:45):
Considering we have one chance to get this right
tonight, I wanted to ensure youmade a good impression.
SPEAKER_09 (36:51):
Certainly.
I'll buy it.
And and why is Trenton Drakefollowing us?
No offense to him, but I don'tsee how having someone as
trigger happy as Trenton willhelp this drop-off go smoothly.
SPEAKER_02 (37:02):
Keeping Trenton's role close to the vest for now.
SPEAKER_09 (37:05):
Okay.
Okay.
And why is the Moss boss here?
SPEAKER_07 (37:11):
I was about to ask the same thing.
Not that I'm complaining.
SPEAKER_02 (37:14):
Moss, my dad here has some acting experience, but
it was way back when he was akid.
SPEAKER_09 (37:19):
So, the silent era.
SPEAKER_02 (37:23):
Watch it, Mari.
He'll be uh shooting a scenetonight, and I was hoping you
could get him into character.
It wasn't that long ago.
If you say so.
Anyway, I need you to work onhis performance.
My performance?
Dad, you're going to be amafioso type background extra.
(37:43):
How'd you like to actually havea line or two?
Who knows?
Maybe it will be enough to getyour sag card.
I already have my sag card.
Wait, what?
SPEAKER_09 (37:53):
Willie, stay on track, please.
SPEAKER_02 (37:56):
Right, right.
Um, sorry.
Anyway, moss boss.
Think you could turn my dad intoa gangster slash hitman?
SPEAKER_07 (38:02):
Hey, it's me, the Moss Boss.
See?
It's catching on.
So what type of gangster are wetalking about here?
James Cagney from Public Enemy,or more laid back with an
undercurrent of menace?
Marlon Brundle's style from TheGodfather.
Well, I was thinking.
SPEAKER_08 (38:23):
Actually, I got this all worked out.
Oh, do you?
I was born in Chicago, and sowas Al Capone.
Scarface himself.
SPEAKER_02 (38:34):
Hmm.
That's a great name for thetitle of a movie.
Someone should make that oneday.
SPEAKER_17 (38:41):
So, Dallas, I'd love to hear a little of your Al
Capone rendition.
SPEAKER_08 (38:46):
Okay, okay.
Ready.
You can go a lot farther with asmile and a gun, see?
SPEAKER_02 (38:55):
This is why the moss boss is here.
What?
No good.
Willie, how much time do I have?
It's uh 1120 now.
The delivery, uh I mean, thescene will be at midnight.
Wait a minute.
SPEAKER_09 (39:08):
Willie, you're not turning this life and death
situation into a scene for BrockGatlin.
SPEAKER_02 (39:14):
Maury, just trust me.
SPEAKER_08 (39:16):
Whoa! Look at that! It's Richard Gere! He's driving
a taxicab?
Dad, that's just a taxi driver.
This town is fascinating.
Everyone is beautiful.
The competition must be fierce.
SPEAKER_02 (39:33):
Okay, we're approaching Moholland Bridge.
Moss boss.
Go ahead and work your magic.
We have about 30 minutes.
SPEAKER_07 (39:40):
Okay, Mr.
Ames.
What is something that makes youreally angry?
Oh, easy.
SPEAKER_02 (39:48):
Did you hear that?
SPEAKER_09 (39:49):
Yeah.
Sounds like something Apolloniaand I may have implemented when
we were doing the no pantsdance.
Please spare us.
SPEAKER_17 (39:58):
Oh, I can solve this mystery.
Dallas, what device did youhappen to smuggle with you this
time?
Oh, that's right.
SPEAKER_08 (40:05):
It's a prototype for a portable seismometer.
I'm fascinated with the platetectonics in California.
Ow, a seismeter.
Doesn't that detect earthquakes?
Precisely, Mr.
Stillman.
Very good.
Uh does that mean we're havingan earthquake right now?
SPEAKER_02 (40:23):
Oh, well, um, oh shit.
SPEAKER_15 (40:55):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (40:58):
Shit.
Everyone okay?
SPEAKER_09 (41:01):
Uh yeah, even my hair's still intact.
SPEAKER_02 (41:04):
Oh, I'm very relieved to hear it.
SPEAKER_07 (41:07):
Mom, Dad We're fine, son!
SPEAKER_17 (41:10):
All in one piece.
SPEAKER_07 (41:12):
Willie?
Will the van start?
We need to get off this bridge.
SPEAKER_02 (41:23):
Damn it.
The ban is totaled.
We're gonna have to go on foot.
Everybody, out.
SPEAKER_09 (41:33):
Shit, I hope they don't take this out of my per
diem.
SPEAKER_19 (41:41):
Willie.
You all okay?
SPEAKER_02 (41:43):
Hi, Trenton.
Glad to see you made it.
Do you have any room in yourride?
SPEAKER_19 (41:49):
Sure.
Hop in.
SPEAKER_02 (42:01):
Okay, well, everybody run.
SPEAKER_12 (42:08):
As the Moleholland bridge crumbles apart piece by
piece.
The grid breaks toward the endof the bridge before they plumb
it to the ground below.
SPEAKER_09 (42:17):
Everyone hold on to something!
SPEAKER_12 (42:22):
A section of the bridge really is running when it
breaks apart and he loses hisgrips in the package.
SPEAKER_18 (42:29):
I lost the package! It's gliding away! I got this.
Will wait! Will you go mom?
Keep moving forward!
SPEAKER_04 (42:48):
Oh man, I love this song! Oh hot damn would you look
at that?
Hey Tiny Tippy, we know thoseguys, right?
Bumped into them last night.
Isn't that right, Tippy?
Hey, Tippy! Ah, goddamn it, notagain.
SPEAKER_12 (43:13):
The group are only a few yards away from the bottom
of the bridge.
They frantically run that photoas the Mulholland Bridge
disappears.
SPEAKER_19 (43:20):
Hey guys!
SPEAKER_12 (43:21):
What is it, Drake?
SPEAKER_19 (43:22):
Not to alarm anyone, but uh it would appear we have a
bear and a bow tie chasing us,huh?
And a bow tie.
SPEAKER_08 (43:33):
Holy shit, it's an actual bear!
SPEAKER_12 (43:36):
Alice Ames jumps into Cleo's arms.
She puts her strut into highgear.
SPEAKER_09 (43:45):
What'd you do to piss this bear off again?
Well, I mean, we simply had abrief but strongly worded
disagreement in this trailer.
SPEAKER_02 (43:52):
Well, let's hope he can't jump over tall objects.
Everyone, jump.
SPEAKER_09 (44:12):
Poor tiny skippy.
SPEAKER_02 (44:14):
Just be glad you didn't sign him.
Okay, people.
We have about 10 minutes beforedelivery.
I need everyone to follow me andbuck it.
SPEAKER_12 (44:29):
It's midnight.
The eve of the delivery hasarrived.
Willie Topaz stirs in theshadows as he observes
intrepidation as Maury Stillman,his manager and friend, walks
the abandoned lot of the CobaltCanine bus station at the corner
of 4th Street in Soho in BoyleHeights.
Maury finally spots the Milanocourier who stands outside the
entranceway to the abandoned busstation.
(44:51):
The courier's face is bathed inshadow, preventing the
stranger's glare from beingseen.
But Maury can feel it.
In spite of every fiber in hisbeing telling him to turn tail
and run, Mari approaches thecourier with the package in his
charge.
Be ready with the remoteemulators.
SPEAKER_02 (45:15):
We lost them in the earthquakes, and there should
still be a sufficient car in theworld.
SPEAKER_07 (45:46):
And you remember the line we came up with?
Your goal is to handle puremenace.
Oh, I will have menace comingout of my ears.
SPEAKER_02 (45:56):
I'll take that as an affirmative.
Sounds like we're all safe.
Willie?
Excellent.
Okay, everyone, stay alert andwait for my cue.
SPEAKER_12 (46:04):
Willie breaks radio contact and notices his mom is
giving him a disappointed stare.
SPEAKER_17 (46:09):
What is it?
You may have all of them fooled,but you don't fool me.
You just better hope this planof yours works out the way you
think it will.
SPEAKER_02 (46:18):
Trust me, it can't go wrong.
SPEAKER_12 (46:20):
Please don't go wrong.
And just as Willie utters thosewords, it would appear to go
very, very wrong, as the courieremployed by the Milano Crime
Family points a gun directly atMaury Stillman.
With regards from Mr.
Milano.
SPEAKER_15 (46:38):
Okay, Dad.
Go, go!
SPEAKER_12 (46:42):
Without warning, another man aiming a gun emerges
from the shadows.
The courier is caught off guard.
Mari is too.
SPEAKER_20 (46:51):
Die, Maury! Die!
SPEAKER_12 (46:55):
The courier, unsure which side this mysterious
gunman is on, ducks behind thewall and looks on in stunned
silence.
SPEAKER_09 (47:01):
Whoa! What the hell?
Mr.
Ames, what are you doing?
SPEAKER_12 (47:07):
Before Mari can inquire further, Dallas Ames,
dressed as a gangster, fires thepistol.
Mari doesn't feel a bulletpenetrate his skin, but that
doesn't stop the coat he'swearing from bursting forth with
powerful splatters of copiousblood.
It dawns on Mar instantly.
He must appear to be blown topieces.
(47:28):
It must be witnessed that hedies.
SPEAKER_09 (48:21):
Oh, please let my desert rose abalemonia know.
There was plenty more where thatcame from.
Oh, my sweet, sweet friendWillie.
We sure had some good times.
Maybe not in the last 48 hours,but I before that, plenty of
(48:43):
great times.
Oh to my strange father, anuglier twin brother Mary.
What can I say?
It's like I never knew you.
It's almost as if you neverexisted at all.
SPEAKER_15 (49:06):
He's really doing this.
SPEAKER_12 (49:38):
The carrier slowly stands to his feet and watches
as Maurice Stillman lay on theground, still soaked in his own
blood.
SPEAKER_15 (49:47):
Mr.
SPEAKER_19 (49:47):
Topez, threatened to stay off radio.
Sir, Mr.
Stillman's wig! What?
It's coming off! He must haveloosened it when it collapsed.
SPEAKER_12 (49:58):
Shit.
As the courier holsters hisweapon and begins to leave the
scene, his attention turns tothe hair on Maury's head and
watches in disbelief as a gustof wind sends the apparently
deceased manager's hair flyinglike a tumbleweed.
SPEAKER_03 (50:15):
What the shit?
That's not Mr.
Stillman.
He has gorgeous feathered hair,and uh this man is uh what uh
he's bald.
SPEAKER_12 (50:25):
The courier approaches Mari, who remains on
the ground, seeping fake bloodas he continues to pretend to be
dead on the ground.
The courier removes his gun fromthe holster and aims at Mari
once more.
SPEAKER_03 (50:38):
An imposter!
SPEAKER_12 (50:39):
Shit! With preternatural speed and
lightning quick reflexes, Cleoaims, rushes the courier, and
knocks the gun out of his hand.
SPEAKER_17 (50:47):
Take that, you son of a bitch!
SPEAKER_12 (50:49):
Before Cleo can safely leave the scene unharmed,
the courier latches onto herankle and she stumbles to the
back top below.
The courier rises, retrieves hisweapon, and now it is Cleo.
SPEAKER_20 (50:59):
Mom! No! Who the hell are you?
SPEAKER_12 (51:48):
The courier escapes within an inch of his life, torn
and tattered, and missing onehand.
SPEAKER_06 (51:59):
Tiny Tippy, boy, did you save the day?
SPEAKER_09 (52:08):
That's okay, buddy.
Uh I'd give you a high five, butit would appear you've had your
fill of hands for the day.
Friends?
SPEAKER_02 (52:22):
Mom, Maury, Dad, everyone okay?
SPEAKER_08 (52:26):
Just okay.
Son, this has been the mostincredible vacation we've ever
had.
We'll have to agree to disagreeon that one.
Since I was a boy, I've dreamtof being a gangster, being part
of a shootout, that you werealso able to procure the most
realistic animatronic bear Ihave ever seen is truly a marvel
(52:49):
to behold.
SPEAKER_12 (52:50):
Dad, that was a real bear.
Dallas promptly jumps intoCleo's arms again.
SPEAKER_09 (52:58):
So, uh what did everyone think?
What did we think of myperformance?
Hello?
The death scene! My boss.
What do you think?
Do I have a future?
SPEAKER_07 (53:11):
Um, have you heard the expression chewing the
scenery?
There is something to be saidfor less is more.
Mr.
Stillman, sorry about the wig.
SPEAKER_19 (53:22):
It was last minute.
SPEAKER_07 (53:24):
Oh no, I forgot.
SPEAKER_09 (53:26):
Morris Stillman.
Oh, who would have thought?
Look away! Shun me, all of you!I'm hideous.
I'm hideous.
SPEAKER_02 (53:37):
Oh, thanks everyone for your help tonight.
I don't know about you, but I'mready to get out of here.
SPEAKER_09 (53:43):
Wait.
I have to know what was in thepackage.
SPEAKER_12 (53:49):
Mari retrieves the package which had been dropped
on the ground during the chaosand confusion.
He finds the handwritten notecontaining instructions to end
his life.
It reads Kill Mari Stillman.
He's the one with the amazinghair.
SPEAKER_09 (54:03):
Whoa! So they were going to kill me anyway.
Whether I fulfilled the requestor not.
SPEAKER_02 (54:09):
I wasn't gonna let that happen.
SPEAKER_09 (54:11):
Which is why you made sure I wore that coat and
set up this whole scene to makeit look like someone else got to
me first.
SPEAKER_02 (54:19):
Exactly.
If you were already dead, therewas nothing they could do.
SPEAKER_09 (54:23):
Ah, thanks, my friend.
You literally just saved my lifeby killing me.
SPEAKER_17 (54:31):
Um, not to break up this nice moment, but why is the
bear doing that?
SPEAKER_08 (54:39):
Yes, he's covering his nose.
SPEAKER_07 (54:46):
Oh, Maury.
And that's my cue to leave.
Oh, guys, come on.
SPEAKER_09 (54:52):
Hey, guys! I'm literally on a hit list! I think
that earns a little slack, huh?
Or at least an adult diaper.
SPEAKER_12 (55:09):
It's now 4 a.m.
Willie's parents were droppedoff and were finally able to
enjoy the comforts and luxury ofthe Beverly Hills Hotel.
Mari returned to Abalonia'strailer for who's kidding?
We're all trying not to pictureit.
And our hero, Willie Topaz,opens the door to his apartment
exhausted and weary.
(55:30):
He makes a beeline for his bedand lands face first into the
soft pillows below.
And then his phone rings.
unknown (55:48):
Again.
SPEAKER_02 (55:50):
Seriously?
Hello!
SPEAKER_16 (55:55):
Hello?
Hello there.
Lady Lazarus?
I thought that you'd like toknow that despite the dramatic
scene on display last night andthe mauling of the courier's
hand, Mr.
Milano feels his desires weremet.
You and Mr.
Stillman are free from anyfurther obligation.
SPEAKER_02 (56:14):
Really?
Oh, I could finally breathenormally.
We both know I have you tothink.
SPEAKER_16 (56:20):
Me?
What did I do?
SPEAKER_02 (56:23):
You were the one that hinted at Maury's potential
fate, which led me to taking apeek at what was inside the
package.
Don't play coy.
You wanted me to know.
Dare I say, I think you wantedme to help Maury.
SPEAKER_16 (56:37):
I wanted to protect my investment.
I realized that something tragichappening to Mr.
Stillman would ultimately impactyou.
Being as inseparable as you bothare.
And I couldn't let that happen.
SPEAKER_02 (56:52):
I'm not certain how often you hear this.
In a sincere and genuine way,but thank you.
SPEAKER_16 (56:59):
Then I'll say genuinely that you are welcome.
Ta-ta for now, Willie Topaz.
SPEAKER_12 (57:08):
Happy trails, my lady.
Willie hangs up the phone.
He lays on his back, smiling,and slowly, calmly, drifts into
slumber.
SPEAKER_08 (57:20):
Until you're going to be able to do that, you can
(57:47):
do that.
SPEAKER_09 (59:02):
At all.
It's midnight.
The eve of the delivery hasarrived.
Lily Topaz stirs in the shadowsas he observes intrepidation as
Maury Stoon, his manager andfriend, walks the abandoned lot
of the Cobalt Canine bus stationat the corner of 4th Street in
Soho in Boyle Heights.
Maury finally spots the Milanocourier who stands outside the
entranceway to the abandoned busstation.
(00:42):
The courier's face is bathed inshadow, preventing the
stranger's glare from beingseen.
But Maury can feel it.
In spite of every fiber in hisbeing telling him to turn tail
and run, Maury approaches thecourier with the package in his
charge.
SPEAKER_03 (00:59):
Stop right there.
You stillman?
SPEAKER_09 (01:02):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's me.
SPEAKER_03 (01:05):
I assume you're the courier.
In a manner of speaking, I'mtold you have a message for me.
You don't want the package?
The message, first.
SPEAKER_09 (01:16):
Unless I was misinformed.
Uh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I I have a message.
See here, uh, the Milano niece.
She has been cast in the BrockGatling film.
The contract has been drawn up.
All she needs to do is sign.
SPEAKER_03 (01:34):
Excellent.
All right.
On behalf of the Milano familia,Mr.
Milano personally gives histhanks.
Now, uh, the package.
Here it is.
Uh, don't suppose you'll tell mewhat's in there.
Oh, uh, you'll find out.
(01:56):
Thank you, Mr.
Stillman.
With regards from Mr.
SPEAKER_12 (02:01):
Milano.
The courier brandishes a45-caliber pistol and aims the
weapon at Mari, who freezes infear.
The courier turned assassin hasMari dead to rights, but before
he can pull the trigger, asecond gun leaps out of the
shadows and rushes toward Mari.
SPEAKER_20 (02:19):
Die, Maury! DIE! Maury! No!
SPEAKER_01 (02:40):
Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and
Stillman, an 80s adventure, ashoestring TV production.
Tonight is episode 3, TheCutting Room, Part 2, starring
Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz,Jim Front as Maury Stillman,
written and directed by JasonBeard.
SPEAKER_12 (03:33):
Twenty-four hours earlier, Maury and Willie
arrived at St.
Cloud Road, where Maury believeshe mistakenly threw the package
out of the car window.
Instead of his beloved, getcharred to pay.
SPEAKER_06 (03:44):
Stop! Stop!
SPEAKER_02 (03:47):
Are you sure this is the place?
SPEAKER_09 (03:49):
St.
Cloud Road.
I know old Bel Air.
SPEAKER_02 (03:59):
Do you see it?
SPEAKER_09 (04:00):
Not yet.
Wait, wait, I see it.
It was pushed under a tree.
Might have been hit by a car orsomething.
unknown (04:10):
Shit.
SPEAKER_02 (04:11):
Is it still in one piece?
SPEAKER_09 (04:13):
Sounds like it.
That was easy.
Are those claw marks?
SPEAKER_02 (04:48):
I can see that boy.
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
SPEAKER_09 (04:53):
Stay calm.
Make yourself hard.
Um, this is not a two-time.
This because I couldn't saygoodbye to a two-bag.
Oh, this is no way for a tie.
Stop moving.
(05:15):
I can feel this breath from mybow tie?
What did you say?
Hey, wait a minute.
The bear has a bow tie.
Willie! The bear has a bow tie!A bow tie?
Mori, what the hell are youtalking about?
Tiny Tippy, is that you?
(05:37):
You know that bear.
Yes, this bear is acting roundy.
He's the younger brother of Bartthe Bear.
It's Tiny Tippy.
Uh, believe it or not, he almostsigned with me.
SPEAKER_02 (05:50):
Tiny Tippy?
Nothing tiny about him.
SPEAKER_09 (05:54):
It's ironic.
Hey Tippy, uh, why are you outhere, buddy?
You almost represented a bear.
It would have happened too, buthe wouldn't agree to my five
percent of the back end.
Uh, did I agree to five percentof the back end?
Uh Willie, uh this is hardly thetime to talk money.
(06:17):
Wait, Tippy, where's yourwrangler, buddy?
Ho ho, there you are, my littlebear buddy.
Looks like you lost your bear.
Yeah, yeah, sorry about that.
Uh, no offense, but isn't thissort of your whole job?
(06:38):
To, you know, wrangle him.
SPEAKER_05 (06:40):
No argument there, but Tippy's a special breed, a
true escape artist.
He skips out on us about once amonth.
A 700-pound black bear that runsaway from home.
1100 pounds, but uh, who'scounting, am I right?
Oh, he's not running away.
Trust me, he gets treated betterthan the Prince of Wales.
(07:02):
Tiny Tippy just has an endlesscuriosity.
SPEAKER_02 (07:06):
Any chance we've satisfied his curiosity?
Some of us need to get someshut-eye.
SPEAKER_09 (07:11):
Oh, sure.
You just have to tell himgoodbye.
Okay, simple enough.
Goodbye, Tippy.
No, you have to hug him.
This night just keeps gettingweirder and weirder.
Any chance we could do thisquickly?
Oh, sure, Willie, no pressure.
Let me just give this 800-poundbeast a big old bear hug.
SPEAKER_05 (07:32):
1100 pounds, but who's counting?
Uh, this is embarrassing.
You just insulted tiny tippy.
SPEAKER_09 (07:42):
Oh, hey, sorry, big fella.
I meant nothing by it.
A bear hug is just uh uh theturn of phrase.
Come here, you big hairy lug.
SPEAKER_05 (07:56):
Oh, that's a good hug.
SPEAKER_09 (07:58):
Whoa! What's that smell?
Oh man, he's ripe.
Oh, he knows.
Uh it's part of the dominancething.
The bear who smells thestrongest?
No, it's in his rider.
He only gets bathed every threemonths.
What a prima donna! All right,well, uh, this has been a real
pleasure, Tippy.
(08:20):
You can say goodbye now.
Goodbye, Tippy.
Uh-oh, he's waving his paw.
Is he waving goodbye?
SPEAKER_05 (08:28):
No, he's saying something smells.
SPEAKER_09 (08:32):
Something stinky, boy?
What stinks, Tippy?
Oh, he's he he's covering hisnose now.
SPEAKER_05 (08:38):
Oh, sir.
Your uh your backside, uh what?
Maury, did you just shit!
SPEAKER_09 (08:45):
Ha! I mean it's a giant bear.
He's terrifying.
SPEAKER_02 (08:51):
Yep.
Uh-huh.
After what you put us through,there's no way I'm letting you
sit in talent.
You're walking home.
SPEAKER_09 (08:59):
Willie, how!
SPEAKER_02 (09:01):
Have a heart, will you?
Sorry, pal.
I've bailed you out enough forone night.
You're on your own.
SPEAKER_09 (09:09):
Willie! Say, Mr.
Bear Wrangler.
Uh you got any room?
Care to give me a lift?
SPEAKER_05 (09:30):
I got tiny trailer hitched in my pickup.
Yeah, there's some leg room inthere.
Room?
In the animal trailer.
SPEAKER_09 (09:39):
With an 800-pound bear?
SPEAKER_05 (09:42):
1,100 pounds.
But who's counting?
SPEAKER_12 (09:56):
It's 4 a.m.
Willie arrives at his apartmentworse for wear, exhausted.
He opens the front door, placesthe mysterious package on his
dining room table, tosses thecar keys on his kitchen counter,
ignores his answering machine,and collapses face first into
the bed.
(10:17):
Until there's a knock at thedoor.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Willie storms out of hiscomfortable bed and stomps
toward his front door, the pastevening still reeling in his
mind.
Mari putting his and Willie'slife at risk, all for financial
gain and Willie's own fatepotentially in the clutches of
(10:38):
the mafia, all by the hands andat the orders of Lady Lazarus?
Lady Lazarus lunges at Willie,ensnaring him in a deep embrace,
and then places her lips on his.
SPEAKER_02 (11:54):
Oh, stop it.
Just my stage name.
SPEAKER_16 (11:58):
Oh, I'm well aware.
SPEAKER_02 (12:00):
So, I have to ask, what is this?
SPEAKER_16 (12:04):
What is what?
SPEAKER_02 (12:06):
You making a house call.
SPEAKER_16 (12:08):
I told you I have a great interest in my
investments.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Oh, and is this how you treat all of your
investments?
SPEAKER_16 (12:18):
No, no.
Some don't have the perfectshaped ass that you do.
SPEAKER_02 (12:24):
Got it.
So this is just more of a bootycall.
SPEAKER_16 (12:27):
It was fun.
But that's all it was.
I was curious, and you satisfiedthat curiosity.
With a vengeance, I might add.
SPEAKER_02 (12:41):
And what if I refused?
SPEAKER_16 (12:44):
We've been down this road, honey.
You didn't stand a chance.
I can see you're disappointed.
But don't be.
If you need to feel it wassomething special, then know
(13:05):
this.
I don't need almost any of myinvestments like this.
I'm not as protective of them asI am of you.
SPEAKER_02 (13:14):
Protective?
Like protecting your bottomline?
SPEAKER_16 (13:18):
You make it sound so cold, so heartless.
And how could you accuse me ofhaving no heart?
Since you felt it poundingagainst your chest only hours
ago.
I just wish.
SPEAKER_02 (13:34):
Just wish what?
SPEAKER_16 (13:36):
Oh, it's nothing.
SPEAKER_02 (13:39):
No, it's okay.
SPEAKER_16 (13:40):
You can tell me.
I just wish I could provide thesame level of protection for
him.
Him who?
Your manager, Mari.
Nope.
Unfortunately, he's made his ownbed.
Okay, sugar.
I gotta go.
SPEAKER_02 (13:56):
Wait, what do you mean he's made his bed?
I thought he was safe as long aswe made the delivery tonight.
SPEAKER_16 (14:02):
You have to understand, Willie.
In these types of circumstances,I'm little more than the
messenger.
There isn't anything else that Ican do.
I've probably said too muchalready.
Get some rest.
Don't let anything stand in theway of making that delivery
tonight.
That package over there on thedinner table, it must be put in
(14:25):
the hands of the courierdirectly at midnight.
SPEAKER_02 (14:29):
But Maury, he's my friend.
If circumstances for him havechanged, I'd like the chance to
help him.
SPEAKER_16 (14:36):
Then you better hope to make it to the drop-off on
time.
I fear that is the only possiblehope you have.
You know what?
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I have to go.
SPEAKER_12 (14:51):
Goodbye, Willie.
Lady Lazarus gently kisses hischeek and then turns from
Willie, promptly exiting theapartment.
Willie's mind is reeling.
He walks over to his dining roomtable to examine the package
meant for delivery with themafia-employed courier.
(15:13):
He places a hand on the wrapperand then, without thought or
foresight, Willie rips thepackage open.
He peers inside.
His eyes widen and his jawdrops.
Willie urgently enters hiskitchen and picks up his phone.
(15:33):
Meanwhile, back at the CanonFilms Backlot on the Brock
Gatling set, Mari Stillmanawakens in Abalonia Sunnis
talent trailer, Sans Wig, posingas his fictional, estranged
brother, Barry Stillman.
SPEAKER_11 (15:51):
Oh, Barry, I must admit, I didn't think I'd see
you again.
But the way you entered thetrailer, so animalistic.
Even down to your grizzly-likemusk.
It left me downright beguiledand transfixed.
SPEAKER_09 (16:08):
More like uh a black bear-like musk.
But yes, my sultry desertbreeze.
This is the Stillman way.
We enchant, we charm, then webathe vigorously, and then we
dazzle and engross.
Oof, I'm glad I had thefull-size shower installed.
Then shall we dirty ourselves sowe can partake in the full-size
(16:32):
shower once more?
Oh, Barry!
SPEAKER_11 (16:36):
You beast.
Yes, who is it?
Hey, you know I'm still incharacter.
SPEAKER_10 (16:47):
Right, right.
Yes?
Which uh one are you lookingfor?
Um more than one?
SPEAKER_09 (16:56):
Let me clear this up, my cactus flower.
Uh, I doubt my brother Maury hasmentioned to anyone in the set
that I'm in town.
SPEAKER_11 (17:03):
Okay, Black Bear, but hurry back to me, please.
Mayways getting hungry.
SPEAKER_10 (17:10):
Oh, sorry.
I thought Maury Stillman was uhYes, yes.
SPEAKER_09 (17:14):
I'm his brother Barry, but I can take the
message.
SPEAKER_10 (17:17):
Oh, great.
SPEAKER_09 (17:18):
It's Mr.
Topaz.
Wait, he's here?
No, on the phone.
Here's Mr.
Topaz.
This is Barry Stillman.
How can I help you?
I'm I'm very busy.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
Okay.
Wait.
Hold up.
Did you?
Are you in Babylonia?
SPEAKER_09 (17:37):
No, I am not.
My beautiful brother Barry is.
Well, he was, and and he will beagain as soon as this
conversation is over.
SPEAKER_02 (17:47):
Maury, I just wanted to say.
SPEAKER_09 (17:49):
What?
What?
What do you need to talk about?
SPEAKER_02 (17:52):
I shouldn't have made you get a rat home with
someone else last night.
I shouldn't have left youbehind.
SPEAKER_09 (17:57):
Ah man, look, Willie.
I put us through a real doozy ofa day yesterday.
That's what I do.
Start with something I thinkwill turn out good, and and then
it just turns into a big heapingpile of shit.
Right.
Uh but only when black bears areinvolved.
SPEAKER_02 (18:19):
What is it now?
Huh?
Oh, someone's at the door.
Be right there.
Okay, let me see who this is.
See you tonight.
SPEAKER_09 (18:29):
Willie, uh, um, so we're good.
You and I.
SPEAKER_02 (18:33):
Always, Maury.
Always.
SPEAKER_09 (18:37):
See you then.
SPEAKER_02 (18:38):
Oh, Maury.
You should definitely call yourcontact at Ballzack Condoms.
I think it's a quality product.
SPEAKER_09 (18:45):
Um, okay, and how do you know that?
SPEAKER_02 (18:49):
I'll see you tonight, Maury.
Bye.
Yes?
Can I help you?
SPEAKER_00 (18:55):
Uh-uh.
Uh, are you Mr.
Topaz?
SPEAKER_02 (18:58):
Uh, depends on who's asking.
SPEAKER_00 (19:01):
Okay, I work at the front desk and we got an urgent
message from Mr.
Topaz.
SPEAKER_02 (19:05):
Yep, that's me.
What's the message?
SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
It simply says, change of plans.
Meet the man in the pinstripedovercoat at exactly 2 p.m.
LAX Gate 3.
SPEAKER_02 (19:15):
Pinstriped overcoat LAX Terminal 3, 2 p.m.
Got it.
SPEAKER_12 (19:27):
Willie arrives at LAX Terminal 3.
It's 2 p.m.
His eyes probe the crowd,looking for a man in a
pinstriped overcoat amongst asea of travelers.
As of what happened, the manwearing the coat would find him.
SPEAKER_08 (19:42):
Are you Willie Topaz?
Don't turn around.
Don't turn around.
Just answer the question.
SPEAKER_02 (19:50):
Yes, I'm Willie.
SPEAKER_08 (19:52):
The famous actor, star of Brock Gatling?
SPEAKER_02 (19:56):
Well, I don't know if I'd describe myself as famous
yet.
Um, I brought the package.
Kinda glad to get this overwith.
Package?
SPEAKER_12 (20:05):
What package?
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
Willie turns toward themysterious man and grabs him by
the collar to reveal he isactually Dad?
SPEAKER_08 (20:14):
My boy! So what did you think of my message?
Pretty dramatic, right?
Dad, I thought you were wait,why are you dressed like that?
Fresh duds, right?
I was going for a mafia type.
Only thing I'm missing is aTommy gun.
SPEAKER_02 (20:34):
Yeah, great suit.
Guess the joke's on me.
Dad, why are you here?
SPEAKER_17 (20:40):
Now my son, the busy movie star, is not going to
stand there and tell me.
He's too busy for his mom anddad.
Mom?
SPEAKER_02 (20:48):
You're both here.
SPEAKER_17 (20:50):
Clayton, did you actually forget we were coming?
Um.
I told you we should have phonedfirst.
SPEAKER_08 (20:56):
I just figured no matter how high his star rose,
he wouldn't be too big for hisbritches.
To make time for his two lovingparents.
SPEAKER_02 (21:06):
You're landing on pretty thick there, Pops.
SPEAKER_17 (21:09):
Did you really forget our plans, son?
SPEAKER_02 (21:12):
Of course not.
Uh, remind me what they were?
The plans?
SPEAKER_17 (21:18):
You're taking us to Canon Studios to give us a tour
of the Brock Gatling set.
Then your father will be anextra for a shootout scene
you're shooting tonight.
Hence his fresh duds.
Then tomorrow, a tour of LosAngeles, Malibu, the Sunset
Strip, shopping on Rodado Drive.
SPEAKER_08 (21:36):
Don't forget the giant lobsters at the palm.
SPEAKER_17 (21:38):
Then finally, lobster dinners at the palm.
Does all of this ring a bell?
SPEAKER_02 (21:45):
Yep.
That is the plan, just like wediscussed.
Uh, now, there may be a fewdetours along the way, if that's
all right.
SPEAKER_08 (21:54):
As long as it doesn't keep us from my big
screen debut or those deliciouslobsters, you'll hear no
complaints from me.
SPEAKER_02 (22:01):
Absolutely.
So, where are you two staying?
I can drop you off and get youchecked in.
SPEAKER_17 (22:06):
Um, you were supposed to have made
reservations at the BeverlyHills Hotel.
SPEAKER_02 (22:10):
Oh, of course I did.
Sure.
SPEAKER_12 (22:23):
With time ticking away in the dreaded impending
delivery fast approaching, Lilyraces through the 405.
SPEAKER_17 (22:29):
Is this how one drives in Los Angeles?
Can you please slow down?
SPEAKER_08 (22:34):
Slow down?
This coming from a formerOlympic gold medal champion of
track and field?
SPEAKER_02 (22:41):
Sorry, Mom.
This car is built for speed.
SPEAKER_08 (22:43):
I must say, this is one fine piece of machinery.
Although I've personally foundthe study of combustion engines
to be perfunctory, when onetravels in such style in McKee's
mode, you can't help but respectthe chemical reaction erupting
within the chassis.
Do you happen to know whatlightweight composites were used
to enhance aerodynamics?
(23:04):
Sorry, Pops.
SPEAKER_02 (23:05):
I forgot to ask.
Next car.
I'll definitely make it a pointto inquire.
SPEAKER_17 (23:10):
Where are all the blue skies and sun?
It seems so gray.
Nothing like I see in theflyers.
SPEAKER_02 (23:19):
Oh, we have plenty of days like that.
But it's amazing how quickly theday can turn into one you
weren't expecting.
SPEAKER_08 (23:26):
Whoa, whoa, stop, stop! That's Dustin Hoffman!
Wow! Truly astonishing!Celebrities are on every street
corner! That's a homeless man,Dad.
Are you sure?
The resemblance is uncanny.
SPEAKER_02 (23:42):
Yes, pretty sure the Oscar-nominated Dustin Hoffman
doesn't eat out of a trash canbehind Fat Burger.
Even the transients look likemovie stars.
SPEAKER_17 (23:50):
How intriguing.
The traffic is ridiculous.
How do you manage to getanywhere in this town?
SPEAKER_08 (23:57):
How can you be so unimpressed, sweetheart?
This is the home of Hollywood!
SPEAKER_17 (24:02):
Glitz and glamour! Look, if smog and vagrance are
your idea of glitz and glamour,that Mom, you're sounding a
little uppity there.
SPEAKER_02 (24:12):
You've been here all of five minutes.
This city has its charm.
You'll be a believer by the endof your trip.
SPEAKER_17 (24:18):
If you say so, it doesn't matter.
I didn't come here to sightsee.
I'm just so happy to see my babyboy.
And that manager of yours, Mr.
Stillman, he isn't trying tolure you in with drugs and
parties.
SPEAKER_02 (24:32):
No.
Oh, he trips the lightfantastic, no doubt, but he
would never risk my health, orlet's face it, my looks.
I'm his cash cow.
And he needs me to move all theway to the bank.
SPEAKER_08 (24:45):
It deserves to be celebrated.
The lineage of good looks youhail from.
SPEAKER_17 (24:50):
Oh my, just don't forget you're an extra, Mr.
Ames.
Your son is the one who gets thespotlight.
SPEAKER_08 (24:57):
I may give you a run for your money, my dear boy,
once the director sets hissights on me.
At this hour, he'll probably seetwo of you.
SPEAKER_17 (25:05):
Is there anyone sober in this town?
SPEAKER_08 (25:08):
You're looking at him.
And uh, what are the uh ladiesof Hollywood like?
SPEAKER_17 (25:17):
Dallas Ames.
Don't you encourage your son'sphilandering ways?
Son, what you need is a nicelady.
Someone with a strong familybackground, an independent, a
professional, a woman with agood head on her shoulders.
What was the name of that youngLyric?
SPEAKER_02 (25:37):
Lyric Dorsey?
SPEAKER_17 (25:38):
That's her.
She was such an angel.
Whatever happened to her?
SPEAKER_02 (25:44):
We need longer than this bumper to bumper traffic
jam to work through that one.
But as it would turn out, she'sin town and an actress too.
Wait, you've seen her?
SPEAKER_08 (25:54):
Your high school sweetheart?
Well, why didn't she join you?
And how come you didn't mentionthat you two were an item?
SPEAKER_02 (26:01):
That's because we're not.
She has a boyfriend, also anactor, a real pretentious type.
SPEAKER_08 (26:09):
Rhythm Mercy.
What on God's green earth is arhythm mercy?
That's his actual name?
Doubt it's his real name.
Sounds like a rejected Earthwindand Fire member.
Who are his parents?
Tempo and Pitch Mercy?
SPEAKER_12 (26:26):
As the traffic begins to let up, Willie begins
to.
Excuse me, what are you laughingat?
Willie's dad.
Oh, he has your number.
Earthwind and Fire is a highlyreputable and successful band.
I'm proud to even betangentially associated with
them.
SPEAKER_05 (26:44):
Oh yeah, I am very familiar, but you ain't one of
them, boss.
SPEAKER_12 (26:49):
I'll have you know I was this close to being a backup
singer for one of their recentconcerts.
SPEAKER_05 (26:54):
Oh.
Yeah, and what happened?
How did that fall through?
You seem like, uh, such ashoe-in.
SPEAKER_12 (27:01):
I just happened to mention that I would require a
365-degree radius of four feetaround me to ensure proper
acoustics.
Huh.
I can't imagine why they saidno.
It was a low point, no doubt.
SPEAKER_05 (27:14):
Aww, I'll make sure to send my condolences to your
parents, tempo and pitch.
I'm going to get back to readingnow.
By all means, we're speedingalong.
SPEAKER_12 (27:30):
Willie Topez arrives at the Cannon Studio Backlog
with his parents.
He parks in a security-approvedbacklog parking space and guides
his star-gazing parents onto theBrock Gatling set.
They are quickly intercepted byKit Max, the film's director,
who has already begun hisafternoon personal happy hour.
SPEAKER_21 (27:50):
Ah, Willie! My smooth block of marble.
Look at you.
Look at that face.
You're so handsome.
Oh, is this the Topaz family?
Oh my goodness, what a strikingmenage!
SPEAKER_17 (28:05):
We're the Ames family, actually.
Topaz is our son's stage name.
Oh, Ames! Like a Brock Gatling,Ames at the machine gun.
SPEAKER_21 (28:18):
How sofra dente?
SPEAKER_02 (28:20):
How are you, Kiff?
I'm very proud to introduce toyou Cleo and Dallas Ames.
As you can see, my father isalready dressed for the part of
Mafioso 2.
Oh, and a menacing, a tallerdrink of water he is.
SPEAKER_21 (28:33):
You are so much look at you.
Now tell me, Dallas, have youany acting experience?
SPEAKER_08 (28:40):
Believe it or not, I was quite the precocious
15-year-old and appeared in avery successful string of local
commercials out of Chicago as ayoung lad.
You never told me that before.
Who were the commercials?
Stewie Longbottom Slaw Dogs.
Uh say again?
Whoa! You were the little boy inthe Stewie Longbottom
(29:03):
commercials.
The one and only HueyLongbottom.
SPEAKER_13 (29:21):
I don't know what me, but I'm doing all the
SPEAKER_18 (30:11):
No way! Those dogs were unreal! A real staple of my
childhood! Oh man! My cloggedarteries and cholesterol count,
thank you.
Can I have an autograph?
SPEAKER_08 (30:22):
My autograph?
Well, I do aim to please.
Son, do you have a pen?
Uh there you go.
Lord have mercy.
Thank you, Mr.
Ames.
It's a real honor.
My pleasure.
How about that?
Tell me I'm just an extra now.
(30:43):
Everyone makes space.
Someone's head is gettingbigger.
You came by your love of actingnaturally, my son.
SPEAKER_09 (30:52):
Wait.
Do my eyes deceive me?
SPEAKER_17 (30:56):
Is that Debbie Allen?
Oh now you stop it, Maury.
You won't charm me with yourlecherous ways.
SPEAKER_02 (31:06):
Hey, Maury.
Any chance you can get these twobooked at the Beverly Hills?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_09 (31:11):
I have them in Bungalow 22.
A beautiful pigs.
Wait.
How did you know?
One of my spies told me, trustme, buddy.
I got you covered.
SPEAKER_02 (31:23):
We're gonna have to renegotiate on this whole spy
situation.
But for now, thank you.
And your spies very much.
SPEAKER_09 (31:30):
Mrs.
Ames, if you will allow me toescort you, I heard you were
fascinated with our wardrobe andcostume department.
And I've set it up so that youcan try on anything you want.
Lead the way, Mr.
Stillman.
SPEAKER_19 (31:46):
Mr.
Maxon, can I have a word?
Ah, yes.
What is it, my dear boy?
We were all set for the bigshootout scene today, but our
shipment of stage blood isdelayed.
We only have around 12 ouncesleft.
SPEAKER_21 (31:58):
What about the detrench coat?
Is it wired and ready?
Oh yeah.
It's ready to pop.
Okay.
So, Willie, my shining beacon,my million-dollar face.
It looks like we brought youhere to the set for nothing.
Mr.
Ames, my sincerest apologies.
We are going to have to delayyour debut.
(32:21):
Mr.
Drake, what time do we expectthe vads of a theatrical blood?
By noon.
Tomorrow.
What?
Ay, La Merda.
So just to summarize, we havethe guns.
We have the actors.
We have the location.
We have the blanks.
We have the squibs.
But no blood?
No blood.
SPEAKER_19 (32:41):
Just enough for the squid packets, but not for the
additional actors or that setitself.
SPEAKER_21 (32:46):
Uh oh.
Life of a director, eh?
It's a torturous profession.
My advice.
Unitelli.
Do not get into the movies.
Okay, we are not shooting today.
I'm off to my turn to my to uhto the place I go when we are
not shooting.
Arriva Derchit.
(33:08):
Oh jeez.
SPEAKER_12 (34:39):
As the news of the delayed shooting is announced,
Willie's thoughts turn to Mariand the impending danger and
possible death Lady Lazarusseemed to foretell postcoitus.
SPEAKER_02 (34:50):
Hold on.
Trenton, I think I found a wayto save the day.
How many guns are loaded andready?
We have three.
Any pistols?
Yep, two.
SPEAKER_19 (35:00):
What are you cooking up, Willie?
SPEAKER_02 (35:03):
Come with me.
Dad, looks like you will haveyour debut after all.
SPEAKER_12 (35:40):
All packed in the Cannon Studios production band,
rolling down Interstate 10 atnight.
The crew head towards the CobaltC-9 bus station.
The time?
SPEAKER_02 (35:51):
It's 11:15 p.m.
I appreciate you meeting with meon such a short notice,
Mossboss.
SPEAKER_07 (35:56):
It will be the last time if you keep using that
nickname.
SPEAKER_02 (36:01):
Sorry, buddy.
I think it's got legs.
So, what was a single dad likeyou do out this late anyway?
You actually saved me from ablind date.
SPEAKER_07 (36:09):
Oh, the Mossboss.
Looking for a little afternoondelight?
My sister set it up.
SPEAKER_17 (36:16):
And you said we saved you from the date.
SPEAKER_02 (36:19):
Sorry, Clifford.
Let me introduce you to myparents, Cleo and Dallas Ames.
SPEAKER_07 (36:23):
It's a real pleasure to meet both of you.
Your son is my prized pupil, anddare I say, my friend.
We've heard nothing but positivefeedback about you, Moss Boss.
You're right.
That nickname isn't goinganywhere.
SPEAKER_09 (36:37):
Okay, now that we're all one big happy family here, a
couple of questions.
First, Will, why did you forceme to wear this coat?
SPEAKER_02 (36:45):
Considering we have one chance to get this right
tonight, I wanted to ensure youmade a good impression.
SPEAKER_09 (36:51):
Certainly.
I'll buy it.
And and why is Trenton Drakefollowing us?
No offense to him, but I don'tsee how having someone as
trigger happy as Trenton willhelp this drop-off go smoothly.
SPEAKER_02 (37:02):
Keeping Trenton's role close to the vest for now.
SPEAKER_09 (37:05):
Okay.
Okay.
And why is the Moss boss here?
SPEAKER_07 (37:11):
I was about to ask the same thing.
Not that I'm complaining.
SPEAKER_02 (37:14):
Moss, my dad here has some acting experience, but
it was way back when he was akid.
SPEAKER_09 (37:19):
So, the silent era.
SPEAKER_02 (37:23):
Watch it, Mari.
He'll be uh shooting a scenetonight, and I was hoping you
could get him into character.
It wasn't that long ago.
If you say so.
Anyway, I need you to work onhis performance.
My performance?
Dad, you're going to be amafioso type background extra.
(37:43):
How'd you like to actually havea line or two?
Who knows?
Maybe it will be enough to getyour sag card.
I already have my sag card.
Wait, what?
SPEAKER_09 (37:53):
Willie, stay on track, please.
SPEAKER_02 (37:56):
Right, right.
Um, sorry.
Anyway, moss boss.
Think you could turn my dad intoa gangster slash hitman?
SPEAKER_07 (38:02):
Hey, it's me, the Moss Boss.
See?
It's catching on.
So what type of gangster are wetalking about here?
James Cagney from Public Enemy,or more laid back with an
undercurrent of menace?
Marlon Brundle's style from TheGodfather.
Well, I was thinking.
SPEAKER_08 (38:23):
Actually, I got this all worked out.
Oh, do you?
I was born in Chicago, and sowas Al Capone.
Scarface himself.
SPEAKER_02 (38:34):
Hmm.
That's a great name for thetitle of a movie.
Someone should make that oneday.
SPEAKER_17 (38:41):
So, Dallas, I'd love to hear a little of your Al
Capone rendition.
SPEAKER_08 (38:46):
Okay, okay.
Ready.
You can go a lot farther with asmile and a gun, see?
SPEAKER_02 (38:55):
This is why the moss boss is here.
What?
No good.
Willie, how much time do I have?
It's uh 1120 now.
The delivery, uh I mean, thescene will be at midnight.
Wait a minute.
SPEAKER_09 (39:08):
Willie, you're not turning this life and death
situation into a scene for BrockGatlin.
SPEAKER_02 (39:14):
Maury, just trust me.
SPEAKER_08 (39:16):
Whoa! Look at that! It's Richard Gere! He's driving
a taxicab?
Dad, that's just a taxi driver.
This town is fascinating.
Everyone is beautiful.
The competition must be fierce.
SPEAKER_02 (39:33):
Okay, we're approaching Moholland Bridge.
Moss boss.
Go ahead and work your magic.
We have about 30 minutes.
SPEAKER_07 (39:40):
Okay, Mr.
Ames.
What is something that makes youreally angry?
Oh, easy.
SPEAKER_02 (39:48):
Did you hear that?
SPEAKER_09 (39:49):
Yeah.
Sounds like something Apolloniaand I may have implemented when
we were doing the no pantsdance.
Please spare us.
SPEAKER_17 (39:58):
Oh, I can solve this mystery.
Dallas, what device did youhappen to smuggle with you this
time?
Oh, that's right.
SPEAKER_08 (40:05):
It's a prototype for a portable seismometer.
I'm fascinated with the platetectonics in California.
Ow, a seismeter.
Doesn't that detect earthquakes?
Precisely, Mr.
Stillman.
Very good.
Uh does that mean we're havingan earthquake right now?
SPEAKER_02 (40:23):
Oh, well, um, oh shit.
SPEAKER_15 (40:55):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (40:58):
Shit.
Everyone okay?
SPEAKER_09 (41:01):
Uh yeah, even my hair's still intact.
SPEAKER_02 (41:04):
Oh, I'm very relieved to hear it.
SPEAKER_07 (41:07):
Mom, Dad We're fine, son!
SPEAKER_17 (41:10):
All in one piece.
SPEAKER_07 (41:12):
Willie?
Will the van start?
We need to get off this bridge.
SPEAKER_02 (41:23):
Damn it.
The ban is totaled.
We're gonna have to go on foot.
Everybody, out.
SPEAKER_09 (41:33):
Shit, I hope they don't take this out of my per
diem.
SPEAKER_19 (41:41):
Willie.
You all okay?
SPEAKER_02 (41:43):
Hi, Trenton.
Glad to see you made it.
Do you have any room in yourride?
SPEAKER_19 (41:49):
Sure.
Hop in.
SPEAKER_02 (42:01):
Okay, well, everybody run.
SPEAKER_12 (42:08):
As the Moleholland bridge crumbles apart piece by
piece.
The grid breaks toward the endof the bridge before they plumb
it to the ground below.
SPEAKER_09 (42:17):
Everyone hold on to something!
SPEAKER_12 (42:22):
A section of the bridge really is running when it
breaks apart and he loses hisgrips in the package.
SPEAKER_18 (42:29):
I lost the package! It's gliding away! I got this.
Will wait! Will you go mom?
Keep moving forward!
SPEAKER_04 (42:48):
Oh man, I love this song! Oh hot damn would you look
at that?
Hey Tiny Tippy, we know thoseguys, right?
Bumped into them last night.
Isn't that right, Tippy?
Hey, Tippy! Ah, goddamn it, notagain.
SPEAKER_12 (43:13):
The group are only a few yards away from the bottom
of the bridge.
They frantically run that photoas the Mulholland Bridge
disappears.
SPEAKER_19 (43:20):
Hey guys!
SPEAKER_12 (43:21):
What is it, Drake?
SPEAKER_19 (43:22):
Not to alarm anyone, but uh it would appear we have a
bear and a bow tie chasing us,huh?
And a bow tie.
SPEAKER_08 (43:33):
Holy shit, it's an actual bear!
SPEAKER_12 (43:36):
Alice Ames jumps into Cleo's arms.
She puts her strut into highgear.
SPEAKER_09 (43:45):
What'd you do to piss this bear off again?
Well, I mean, we simply had abrief but strongly worded
disagreement in this trailer.
SPEAKER_02 (43:52):
Well, let's hope he can't jump over tall objects.
Everyone, jump.
SPEAKER_09 (44:12):
Poor tiny skippy.
SPEAKER_02 (44:14):
Just be glad you didn't sign him.
Okay, people.
We have about 10 minutes beforedelivery.
I need everyone to follow me andbuck it.
SPEAKER_12 (44:29):
It's midnight.
The eve of the delivery hasarrived.
Willie Topaz stirs in theshadows as he observes
intrepidation as Maury Stillman,his manager and friend, walks
the abandoned lot of the CobaltCanine bus station at the corner
of 4th Street in Soho in BoyleHeights.
Maury finally spots the Milanocourier who stands outside the
entranceway to the abandoned busstation.
(44:51):
The courier's face is bathed inshadow, preventing the
stranger's glare from beingseen.
But Maury can feel it.
In spite of every fiber in hisbeing telling him to turn tail
and run, Mari approaches thecourier with the package in his
charge.
Be ready with the remoteemulators.
SPEAKER_02 (45:15):
We lost them in the earthquakes, and there should
still be a sufficient car in theworld.
SPEAKER_07 (45:46):
And you remember the line we came up with?
Your goal is to handle puremenace.
Oh, I will have menace comingout of my ears.
SPEAKER_02 (45:56):
I'll take that as an affirmative.
Sounds like we're all safe.
Willie?
Excellent.
Okay, everyone, stay alert andwait for my cue.
SPEAKER_12 (46:04):
Willie breaks radio contact and notices his mom is
giving him a disappointed stare.
SPEAKER_17 (46:09):
What is it?
You may have all of them fooled,but you don't fool me.
You just better hope this planof yours works out the way you
think it will.
SPEAKER_02 (46:18):
Trust me, it can't go wrong.
SPEAKER_12 (46:20):
Please don't go wrong.
And just as Willie utters thosewords, it would appear to go
very, very wrong, as the courieremployed by the Milano Crime
Family points a gun directly atMaury Stillman.
With regards from Mr.
Milano.
SPEAKER_15 (46:38):
Okay, Dad.
Go, go!
SPEAKER_12 (46:42):
Without warning, another man aiming a gun emerges
from the shadows.
The courier is caught off guard.
Mari is too.
SPEAKER_20 (46:51):
Die, Maury! Die!
SPEAKER_12 (46:55):
The courier, unsure which side this mysterious
gunman is on, ducks behind thewall and looks on in stunned
silence.
SPEAKER_09 (47:01):
Whoa! What the hell?
Mr.
Ames, what are you doing?
SPEAKER_12 (47:07):
Before Mari can inquire further, Dallas Ames,
dressed as a gangster, fires thepistol.
Mari doesn't feel a bulletpenetrate his skin, but that
doesn't stop the coat he'swearing from bursting forth with
powerful splatters of copiousblood.
It dawns on Mar instantly.
He must appear to be blown topieces.
(47:28):
It must be witnessed that hedies.
SPEAKER_09 (48:21):
Oh, please let my desert rose abalemonia know.
There was plenty more where thatcame from.
Oh, my sweet, sweet friendWillie.
We sure had some good times.
Maybe not in the last 48 hours,but I before that, plenty of
(48:43):
great times.
Oh to my strange father, anuglier twin brother Mary.
What can I say?
It's like I never knew you.
It's almost as if you neverexisted at all.
SPEAKER_15 (49:06):
He's really doing this.
SPEAKER_12 (49:38):
The carrier slowly stands to his feet and watches
as Maurice Stillman lay on theground, still soaked in his own
blood.
SPEAKER_15 (49:47):
Mr.
SPEAKER_19 (49:47):
Topez, threatened to stay off radio.
Sir, Mr.
Stillman's wig! What?
It's coming off! He must haveloosened it when it collapsed.
SPEAKER_12 (49:58):
Shit.
As the courier holsters hisweapon and begins to leave the
scene, his attention turns tothe hair on Maury's head and
watches in disbelief as a gustof wind sends the apparently
deceased manager's hair flyinglike a tumbleweed.
SPEAKER_03 (50:15):
What the shit?
That's not Mr.
Stillman.
He has gorgeous feathered hair,and uh this man is uh what uh
he's bald.
SPEAKER_12 (50:25):
The courier approaches Mari, who remains on
the ground, seeping fake bloodas he continues to pretend to be
dead on the ground.
The courier removes his gun fromthe holster and aims at Mari
once more.
SPEAKER_03 (50:38):
An imposter!
SPEAKER_12 (50:39):
Shit! With preternatural speed and
lightning quick reflexes, Cleoaims, rushes the courier, and
knocks the gun out of his hand.
SPEAKER_17 (50:47):
Take that, you son of a bitch!
SPEAKER_12 (50:49):
Before Cleo can safely leave the scene unharmed,
the courier latches onto herankle and she stumbles to the
back top below.
The courier rises, retrieves hisweapon, and now it is Cleo.
SPEAKER_20 (50:59):
Mom! No! Who the hell are you?
SPEAKER_12 (51:48):
The courier escapes within an inch of his life, torn
and tattered, and missing onehand.
SPEAKER_06 (51:59):
Tiny Tippy, boy, did you save the day?
SPEAKER_09 (52:08):
That's okay, buddy.
Uh I'd give you a high five, butit would appear you've had your
fill of hands for the day.
Friends?
SPEAKER_02 (52:22):
Mom, Maury, Dad, everyone okay?
SPEAKER_08 (52:26):
Just okay.
Son, this has been the mostincredible vacation we've ever
had.
We'll have to agree to disagreeon that one.
Since I was a boy, I've dreamtof being a gangster, being part
of a shootout, that you werealso able to procure the most
realistic animatronic bear Ihave ever seen is truly a marvel
(52:49):
to behold.
SPEAKER_12 (52:50):
Dad, that was a real bear.
Dallas promptly jumps intoCleo's arms again.
SPEAKER_09 (52:58):
So, uh what did everyone think?
What did we think of myperformance?
Hello?
The death scene! My boss.
What do you think?
Do I have a future?
SPEAKER_07 (53:11):
Um, have you heard the expression chewing the
scenery?
There is something to be saidfor less is more.
Mr.
Stillman, sorry about the wig.
SPEAKER_19 (53:22):
It was last minute.
SPEAKER_07 (53:24):
Oh no, I forgot.
SPEAKER_09 (53:26):
Morris Stillman.
Oh, who would have thought?
Look away! Shun me, all of you!I'm hideous.
I'm hideous.
SPEAKER_02 (53:37):
Oh, thanks everyone for your help tonight.
I don't know about you, but I'mready to get out of here.
SPEAKER_09 (53:43):
Wait.
I have to know what was in thepackage.
SPEAKER_12 (53:49):
Mari retrieves the package which had been dropped
on the ground during the chaosand confusion.
He finds the handwritten notecontaining instructions to end
his life.
It reads Kill Mari Stillman.
He's the one with the amazinghair.
SPEAKER_09 (54:03):
Whoa! So they were going to kill me anyway.
Whether I fulfilled the requestor not.
SPEAKER_02 (54:09):
I wasn't gonna let that happen.
SPEAKER_09 (54:11):
Which is why you made sure I wore that coat and
set up this whole scene to makeit look like someone else got to
me first.
SPEAKER_02 (54:19):
Exactly.
If you were already dead, therewas nothing they could do.
SPEAKER_09 (54:23):
Ah, thanks, my friend.
You literally just saved my lifeby killing me.
SPEAKER_17 (54:31):
Um, not to break up this nice moment, but why is the
bear doing that?
SPEAKER_08 (54:39):
Yes, he's covering his nose.
SPEAKER_07 (54:46):
Oh, Maury.
And that's my cue to leave.
Oh, guys, come on.
SPEAKER_09 (54:52):
Hey, guys! I'm literally on a hit list! I think
that earns a little slack, huh?
Or at least an adult diaper.
SPEAKER_12 (55:09):
It's now 4 a.m.
Willie's parents were droppedoff and were finally able to
enjoy the comforts and luxury ofthe Beverly Hills Hotel.
Mari returned to Abalonia'strailer for who's kidding?
We're all trying not to pictureit.
And our hero, Willie Topaz,opens the door to his apartment
exhausted and weary.
(55:30):
He makes a beeline for his bedand lands face first into the
soft pillows below.
And then his phone rings.
unknown (55:48):
Again.
SPEAKER_02 (55:50):
Seriously?
Hello!
SPEAKER_16 (55:55):
Hello?
Hello there.
Lady Lazarus?
I thought that you'd like toknow that despite the dramatic
scene on display last night andthe mauling of the courier's
hand, Mr.
Milano feels his desires weremet.
You and Mr.
Stillman are free from anyfurther obligation.
SPEAKER_02 (56:14):
Really?
Oh, I could finally breathenormally.
We both know I have you tothink.
SPEAKER_16 (56:20):
Me?
What did I do?
SPEAKER_02 (56:23):
You were the one that hinted at Maury's potential
fate, which led me to taking apeek at what was inside the
package.
Don't play coy.
You wanted me to know.
Dare I say, I think you wantedme to help Maury.
SPEAKER_16 (56:37):
I wanted to protect my investment.
I realized that something tragichappening to Mr.
Stillman would ultimately impactyou.
Being as inseparable as you bothare.
And I couldn't let that happen.
SPEAKER_02 (56:52):
I'm not certain how often you hear this.
In a sincere and genuine way,but thank you.
SPEAKER_16 (56:59):
Then I'll say genuinely that you are welcome.
Ta-ta for now, Willie Topaz.
SPEAKER_12 (57:08):
Happy trails, my lady.
Willie hangs up the phone.
He lays on his back, smiling,and slowly, calmly, drifts into
slumber.
SPEAKER_08 (57:20):
Until you're going to be able to do that, you can
(57:47):
do that.
SPEAKER_09 (59:02):
At all.
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