November 18, 2025 • 35 mins
Dating clarity shouldn’t feel like decoding hieroglyphs, but so many of us end up stuck in the gray zone where you act like a couple yet can’t say the word. We tackle the modern situationship head-on: what it actually means, why it’s everywhere, and how to stop investing months in “let’s see where it goes.” With real stories, clinical insight, and a few hard truths, we separate friends with benefits from the murky middle and show you how to move forward with confidence.
We start by defining a situationship as an almost-relationship with couple behaviors minus the label. Then we dig into the forces that keep people circling: fear of commitment, the lure of “better” options on dating apps, and the desire for intimacy without the responsibility of showing up consistently. We also surface the less-talked-about dynamics—expecting domestic care or financial support without reciprocity—and why vague language like “I don’t like labels” often signals a preference for benefits over accountability.
If you’re tired of the “what are we?” loop, we share practical scripts and checkpoints you can use today. Say what you want, set a short timeline, and watch for congruence between words and actions: introductions, dependable plans, support during stressful weeks. When answers stay muddy, treat ambiguity as an answer and choose yourself. On our toxicity scale, mutually agreed situationships are a green potato—safe with care—but dragging someone along for perks tips into toxic territory fast.
Ready to trade vibes for clarity? Hit play, learn the language of clean boundaries, and tell us your best “define the relationship” line. If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend who’s stuck in limbo, and leave a review so more listeners can find their way to healthy commitment.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:15):
Hi, and welcome to the Toxic Cooking Show, where we
break down toxic people intotheir simplest ingredients.
I'm your host for this week,Lindsay McLean, and with me is
my wonderful co-host,Christopher Patchett, LCSW.
Today we are talking about thesituation ship.
SPEAKER_02 (00:34):
Ooh.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
So as I always do for this podcast, when I start
researching it, I go to my mosttrusted source.
That is Urban Dictionary.
You know, some people it's like,oh, you know, I'm gonna go to
the library and I look up allthis stuff, or I'm gonna hit up
the New York Times.
Nope, Urban Dictionary.
(00:57):
First stop, whatever the topicis.
SPEAKER_01 (01:02):
There was my girlfriend said something or
texted me something, and I knewshe was using slang, and I
didn't want to be that guy thatwas like, what does that mean?
And so like I looked it up andit was like showing you like
what the actual thing was, likein proper use.
(01:22):
I was like, okay, I know shedidn't mean that.
So I looked up Urban Dictionaryand I was like, okay, okay.
Now I get what she's saying.
SPEAKER_00 (01:31):
It's it's useful, like for a lot of things.
It's very, very useful.
I love it.
I I need to see if there's onein other languages.
Just realize.
Because I mean, I use it inEnglish, and that's my native
language.
I need one in French.
Anyway, I hopped on UrbanDictionary, and would you
believe it?
It failed me.
(01:52):
First time.
And that is because there aremultiple definitions and they're
not the same.
Like, usually you read throughUrban Dictionary and you're
like, okay, these are just like,you know, because people put it
on and then other people votefor it yes or no.
You've got like more or less thesame thing, just somebody
thought this version was funnierthan that version.
(02:13):
And with situationship, it theykind of hovered around the same
thing, but not quite.
Also, another interesting thingwas when I was looking it up,
people said, Oh, situationship,that's Gen Z slang.
The oldest definition ofsituationship on Urban
Dictionary dates back to 2015.
(02:34):
That is not Gen Z slang.
I think that that's because I'mI'm a millennial.
Gen Z's like six years after me.
Gen Z was not dating likehardcore dating in 2015.
SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
I think the first time I ever heard it was 2020,
and that was because of a clientwho was just happened to live
with somebody, and then sincethey were during quarantine,
they'd be so so the the thisperson is you know older than I
(03:11):
am, so I mean that centergeneration X.
So if they were using it, youknow, I would say that
definitely it's not Gen Z.
SPEAKER_00 (03:24):
No, no, I don't think it would have made the
joke.
Now you do see it appear a lotmore in 2020.
Like there are a lot ofdefinitions around there, a lot
of articles kind of since then,but we're still unclear as to
what it is.
Is it friends with benefits?
Is it friends with benefits butmessy?
And the articles that I saw thatpeople hear about like wild
(03:48):
range, like everything from it'sjust another word for friends
with benefits to it's a hookupwith emotional benefits to women
just want to have casual sex butcan't call it that.
So for the purposes of thisepisode, I feel like we need to
define what it means to usbefore I continue, because
(04:08):
otherwise it's gonna be reallyunclear.
Because I th I thought it wascut and dry.
I'm not gonna lie.
Like in my mind, I know what asituationship is, and my friends
know what it is, and we're allon the same page, but apparently
we are not.
So I would say, and I want yourdefinition, is a situationship
is it's an almost relationship,but something or someone is
(04:30):
preventing it from becomingofficial.
So it's like we're arelationship in everything but
the name.
We do all the relationshipthings, we you know act like
we're in a relationship, but canI call you my boyfriend?
No situationship.
Where do you stand on this?
SPEAKER_01 (04:49):
I would say pretty much the same thing, is that it
could be one or both people.
So whether it is just like, I'mbored, you know, like I haven't
dated in a while, and I kind ofmiss having a relationship, but
there's nobody I'm interestedin.
Let's just have sex and and dothe you know, boyfriend,
(05:11):
girlfriend, or or whatevertogether, and they're like,
okay.
SPEAKER_00 (05:16):
See, that to me is like friends with benefits.
SPEAKER_01 (05:19):
No, well, when I think of friends with benefits,
I I just think of like more theidea of we're hanging out as
strictly as friends, but thenwe're also having sex.
I think of like situationship,like you know, like the the
person I was saying about wherethey were just in quarantine and
(05:42):
it was just like, hey, why don'tyou just stay here with me?
And because you're not livingwith your friend most of the
time.
SPEAKER_00 (05:50):
Yeah.
You know, unless you'reroommates or whatever, like
yeah, that that's asituationship where you're like,
we're basically in arelationship, yeah, but you
haven't taken that last like youknow, three percent step to be
like this is this is who we are,and that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01 (06:06):
Like in that case, like both of them were like, you
know, like I don't want arelationship, I don't want a
relationship, but lonely, I'mlonely, yeah.
We're quarantined, I have abigger enough house for for us
to stay in.
Let's just hang out and do thechores and everything like that,
(06:29):
and have a little bit of bangtime too, too.
SPEAKER_00 (06:32):
Yeah, that's true.
I guess I also the last littlebit for me is that there's
typically with a situationship,there's like a tension to it.
Because you're just like, whatare we?
That's why it's a situation,because it's just like, huh.
Not always though.
In most cases that I've seenthat people have said, Oh, I'm
(06:52):
in a situationship, there is a anoticeable amount of tension.
So yeah, you and I are basicallyon the same page about what a
situation ship is.
SPEAKER_01 (07:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (07:03):
Okay.
Again, this is what I thought Iwas gonna find on Urban Dick
Show.
It's just like, yep, here it is,cut and dry.
You see articles about peoplebeing like, oh, you know, I was
in one and it was terrible.
So I don't know where theinternet went wrong in figuring
out what a situation ship is.
SPEAKER_01 (07:21):
But for the purpose of this show, so I will say real
quick, I mean, isn't that what asituation is?
It depends on the situation.
So for some people, thesituation might be the
quarantine thing.
For some people, the situationis I really like this person and
(07:45):
I want to pursue them, eventhough they're not ready.
Maybe I might push them intothat that you know relationship
by doing all theboyfriend-girlfriend thing.
This person's situation is thatyou know, whatever.
SPEAKER_00 (08:02):
That's actually a good point.
Yeah.
Okay, I agree with you on that.
But I still maintain that it itis a almost relationship that
isn't.
It's not friends with benefits.
Friends with benefits issomething very clear.
SPEAKER_02 (08:18):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
A situationship is something more than that.
Okay, so good.
We're we're in agreement aboutthat.
All right, cool.
So the reason why I felt likethis needed to end up on the
toxic cooking show is not justbecause, of course, we need to
define the term, which we havehelped the world tremendously
today by doing so.
(08:40):
But this is something that I'mseeing pop up so much.
So, so much.
I would say that the probablythe majority of my female
friends who have been dating inthe last couple of years have
run into this, have run intosituationships where it's you
(09:00):
know, you meet a guy, and Iinclude myself in this.
I've also been in thissituation.
You meet the guy, and you'relike, Yeah, this is this is
good, it seems to be going well,like everything's progressing,
and then you get to that pointwhere you're just like, hey,
what are we?
And he's like, I don't know,let's just see how it goes.
Situationship right there.
This seems to be happening somuch.
(09:23):
And I don't know if this issomething that you have run into
with women again.
When I was trying to look thisup, because I wanted to see if
this was more of a women arerunning into this problem where
men want this and women don't,or if it's you know both sides.
And I I couldn't quite tell.
It does seem to be a little morewomen feel like they are in a
(09:45):
situation ship that they don'twant to be in.
Have you experienced this?
SPEAKER_01 (09:50):
Trying to think not recently.
I I can recall maybe a coupletimes where it's like, you know,
I that where I've brought thatup, like, hey, where are we at?
Yeah, let's just see.
SPEAKER_00 (10:04):
Yeah.
That's fair.
And then I I get that maybe thefirst time you bring it up with
somebody, especially if youbring it up like two weeks into
the like into meeting theperson, you're like, hey, what
are we?
And they're like, let's see.
Let's see where it goes.
That is a hundred percent alet's see where the vibes take
us.
This is uh you've been seeingthe guy for months, and you're
(10:26):
like, hey, what are we?
and he's just like, Oh, I don'tknow.
I don't I don't want to put alabel on it.
Situationship.
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
It's weird because like I I remember one girl that
I dated, it was it was really anawkward thing because like we
were together for like threemonths, and I was like, Hey, so
I really like you, I really careabout you, I I wanted to know if
you wanted to like start.
As soon as I said the worddating, she got like really
(10:58):
weird about it.
SPEAKER_02 (10:59):
Ma'am.
SPEAKER_01 (11:00):
She just changed the subject, just avoided the word
dating, and then I was justlike, Okay, I I I guess she's
just not ready or whatever.
And then, like a month later, wewere going to like a dog show,
and she's like, I know I'm notintroducing you to anybody as my
(11:22):
boyfriend, but I just need alittle bit more time before I
start doing that.
I was like, but I didn't evenknow that I was your boyfriend.
Like, what the fuck are we?
SPEAKER_00 (11:34):
Yeah.
Aha, you were in a situationship.
I mean, that's a classicexample, though, of what seems
to be the reason behind this.
That there's a there's this fearof commitment that's kind of
(11:54):
going around.
And commitment in like everysingle possible way.
So sometimes it seems to bethere's like fear of commitment
when it comes to choosing aperson.
And I've seen a lot of peopleblame, like, oh, dating apps are
the cause for this, because youknow, with dating apps, you can
just keep swiping, and there'smore and more and more and more
people.
(12:15):
So, like, why settle down withthis one?
You know, the grass is alwaysgreener on the other side.
Maybe I'm gonna find the perfectperson there, so they don't want
to commit just constantly newpeople, exciting stuff.
So again, why limit myself toone person?
And I think it maybe that doesplay a part, kind of like with
ghosting, where if you feel likeyou have unlimited options out
(12:39):
there, then maybe you know, whenthe person, when your partner
comes to you and says, like,hey, what are we?
you're gonna be like, eh.
Or in this case, like this chickbe like, I'm just not gonna like
introduce you as this yet.
Okay, so where do we stand afterall these months?
Like, why are you holding backon this?
(13:02):
Is always my question.
But to me, this that doesn'tfully explain it.
Because like we've talked aboutthis on at least several
episodes.
Men definitely have a hardertime like getting matches on
dating apps, so it's not likeyou have 10 bajillion more
options out there.
You actually don't.
(13:24):
So maybe if you've got one, youwould you would think that you
would want to stick with it.
So I'm not I'm not sold on thatidea.
But there's also this idea oflike fear of commitment
emotionally, and this issomething we have run into like
on Instagram, like seeing stuffall the time.
When you're dating somebody, Idon't know if you know this.
You're in a relationship, so youshould know this.
(13:46):
You you gotta be there for theother person, you have to spend
time with them, meet theirfriends, like do stuff with
them.
You need to be there to listento them.
If you're going to be a goodpartner, I should add.
You were there emotionally andphysically for them.
And I keep seeing this likepersonally through my friends
(14:10):
and online, that it seems to bemen want the benefits of the
relationship, but they're notready to do that work.
SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
I mean, I'm I'm totally there for the the person
I'm with, as long as it'ssomething I enjoy doing.
I'm only kidding.
I'm only kidding.
SPEAKER_00 (14:30):
I know you.
It's because I know you that Iknow that that's not true.
But it is true.
I mean, relationships take work.
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (14:45):
That's that that's a given.
Is this something that you haverun into, though, with women?
That there's also this, I I wantall the benefits, you know.
For instance, I want to I wantto enjoy being in a
relationship, quote unquote.
So like we do stuff together, wego places, we sleep together,
all of that, but I don't want tolike put in the work on my end.
SPEAKER_01 (15:07):
Look who you're talking to.
SPEAKER_00 (15:09):
I know, I know you're but I have to ask,
because maybe.
Maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (15:15):
Yes, I I've experienced that like non-stop.
Have I experienced that for forthe purpose of this episode?
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
You know, we we we ask the question.
So yeah, this to me is thebigger issue is that people want
all of the benefits, men andwomen want the benefits of the
relationship.
So either, you know, the otherpartner like paying for things
for them, doing things for them,cooking for them, cleaning for
them, covering expenses forthem, but they don't want to
(15:54):
actually put out on their end.
And that's where I ran into islike, why is that suddenly an
issue now?
And I feel like this is it goesinto like a far, far deeper
topic than we have time fortoday.
Like, this is definitely anothercouple of episodes.
But there seems to be this likefrustration on both ends, like
(16:15):
both for men and both for women,that both parties feel like the
other is using them.
And so you don't want to, youdon't want to get into that
situation where you're doing allof the expected work on your
end, but they're not doing it ontheir end.
And so you hold back, and thenthey hold back, and then
(16:36):
everyone's like, oh, this isn'tworking.
I don't understand.
Like, why aren't you cooking andcleaning for me?
And I'm like, why aren't youproviding for me?
Like you say you want to, butthen you don't, but then you
expect me to, but then I don't.
And then suddenly you're sittingthere looking at each other and
be like, we're basically in arelationship, but we can't call
(16:57):
it that.
And everyone's mad at eachother.
SPEAKER_01 (17:01):
I mean, I could go into this all day.
SPEAKER_00 (17:04):
Please, please expand.
SPEAKER_01 (17:07):
No, I it's it's I I kind of I I agree with you.
I think that both both sidesagain, you know, frustrated, and
it's because both sides not onlyhave experience in one form or
another, but it's true.
There are a lot of men that willuse women for sex.
There are a lot of women who usemen for money, and that is
(17:30):
literally all they want.
SPEAKER_00 (17:32):
I would say actually for men, it's not even so much
about the sex, it's about thethe taking care of me.
It's the cooking and thecleaning, is what I have seen
more of, actually.
SPEAKER_01 (17:42):
Hmm.
Okay.
So so yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:45):
But it's it's still that same, like, I expect you to
do this thing for me.
SPEAKER_01 (17:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
Like, I expect you to buy me all of these things.
Yeah, it's it's that same.
SPEAKER_01 (17:54):
I'm sure that you've seen plenty of guys where you
either you or your friends willdo all the cooking and cleaning,
everything like that, and thenyou see them slip off and
they're screwing around withother people.
And it's just like, what thewhat the fuck?
Like, you know, you just use me,blah blah blah, and you know
(18:14):
just as well I've been used somany times for like for money
that and watching the otherperson slipping off and just
being like, okay, I'm back up onmy feet, go fuck yourself.
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (18:30):
So thankfully, we've never, like myself and like
people who I I personally know,have never run into that like
level where it's like you'redoing all of it and then he's
off like cheating on you.
But what you do run into is thatagain, you're basically in a
relationship.
And when I'm in a relationshipwith somebody, and I think most
people would, you like to dothings like maybe you'll bake
for them, maybe you'll cook,like you'll come over, or you
(18:52):
know, if if you're coming overto my place, maybe I'll like
cook dinner or something foryou, for us, whatever.
And you end up in that wherelike you're doing all these
things because you're expectingthat it's a relationship,
because we're we're seeing eachother multiple times a week,
we're texting every day, likewe're you know, back and forth
(19:12):
at each other's places.
And yet when it comes time tosay, hey, what are we?
suddenly it's a oh, I I don'tknow.
I don't like to put labels onit, or I like to just let things
go and see how it turns out, allof that.
Suddenly it's just like, oh no,I'm I'm not willing to fully
(19:34):
commit and be like, yes, we aredating, yes, you are my
girlfriend, we are a couple,that is who we are.
That's where you run into itwhere there's just like, but I'm
dating you, but I can't saythat.
So it's it's a it's a weirdplace, as I'm sure you know.
SPEAKER_01 (19:54):
Yes, all too well.
SPEAKER_00 (19:56):
Just yes.
And I'm curious, like, if isthis also a problem for men that
you run into the the dreadedwhat are we conversation?
You know, with somebody somebodyhas to bring it up, right?
Like it's I think that thisshould be a discussion.
Like you never just assume it'slike, oh well, we've slept
(20:18):
together six times, thereforewe're dating.
Like that's that's not how itworks.
You need to sit down and belike, are we dating?
Are we going the right way?
SPEAKER_01 (20:29):
And and this is where it becomes confusing, at
least for me, a lot of times,where I will I will say exactly
what what I'm looking for, whatexactly I want, what exactly I'm
calling this to leave out anyconfusion.
And then I kind of get hit backwith, yeah, and then given a
(20:55):
different definition.
I'm like, but do you blah blahblah?
And they're like, yeah,different definition.
And it's like, well, you you'reyou're saying one thing, but
you're telling me another thing.
And then when I try to clear theair, then you're agreeing to
that, but you're sayingsomething different, and it's
like, what the fuck?
(21:15):
And then eventually it's like,okay, I give up.
I guess this is where we're at.
SPEAKER_00 (21:21):
So, like, with you run into this if you're saying,
like, hey, you know, in my mind,we've been seeing each other for
this amount of time, we've beendoing this, we've been doing
that.
So, like, to me, we're in arelationship, therefore,
boyfriend, girlfriend, and shehits you back with, yeah, we're
dating, but I would neverintroduce you to anyone that I
know.
Like that type of thing?
SPEAKER_01 (21:42):
No, not even like the the but is like I I see that
we're dating, I don't want to bewith anybody else, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, you know, we're we'retaking our time to get to know
each other and seeing wherethings go.
It's like, okay, well, so do youmean yeah, or I mean like do you
you wanna do you not want todate and just kind of see where
(22:04):
things go?
Because I kind of see us beingin a relationship, like, you
know, like, yeah, yeah, we'rewe're we're in a relationship.
We're getting we're we'regetting to know where where each
other's now, how each other are.
Okay.
So what do you mean?
Do you mean that we're likeseeing each other and and trying
to get to know each other andbuilding towards a relationship?
(22:25):
Or are we in a relationship?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
We're we're we're getting toknow each other, we're trying to
see how how we are with eachother and everything like that.
Okay, you know, and then it justbecomes that that circular,
like, you know, likeconversation.
And it's just like at some pointI'm just like, okay, you know,
fine, whatever the fuck we are.
SPEAKER_00 (22:45):
Yeah.
Okay, so that that's about whatI have experienced.
I'm glad to know that both sidesare doing this.
I mean, I'm not glad to know,but at least we're both on the
same page as to how we're gonnatreat the other.
Because yeah, that's that's whatI've run into, is that either
myself or somebody else, youknow, you sit down with the
person and you're like, hey, soyou know, we we've kind of
(23:07):
passed that initial like get toknow each other stage, and we've
now moved into the you know, theother stuff, like, what would
you define us as?
And they're just like, yeah, butyou know, we're we're seeing
each other, we're we're vibing,we're cool, and like, so if I
take you to dinner someplace,can I introduce you as my
(23:29):
boyfriend?
They're like, ah, you know, it'sjust I don't know if we're at
that level yet.
Okay.
It's been months.
When do we get to that level?
So, where do you see us goingfrom here with situationships?
How do we get out of the viciouscycle of like, yeah, let's just
(23:49):
go based off of vibes?
SPEAKER_01 (23:51):
Stop going off of vibes.
That's fucking simple.
SPEAKER_00 (23:56):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (24:00):
If you say that this is what you're looking at, if
this is what you want, and theother person kind of comes back
at you with like the yeah, youknow, blah, blah, blah, and and
saying something differently.
If if you're getting that to thepoint where it's just like your
definitions are not meetmatching up, you know, and
you've tried saying that, like,hey, I think we're on two
(24:23):
different pages.
Maybe this is not like somethingthat that you see as something
worth it, and just being like,okay, that's it.
SPEAKER_00 (24:32):
I think that's fair.
I think it a lot of it does comedown to the the partner who
would like it to be therelationship, if that is the
case.
Unlike the the case that youmentioned, where it's like, it's
not a relationship, but we'reboth okay with where we are,
that's fine.
No notes.
If if both people are on thesame page, cool, carry on.
But if you do have it where onepartner's like, I kind of see us
(24:55):
as this, and like I've alreadymade it clear to you that I'm
looking for a relationship, andyou have the other person who's
like, meh, you gotta leave.
And I think I think it continuesbecause people put up with it.
And again, I've been there.
I feel the pain of you're justlike, you know what, it's fine,
(25:15):
like, you know, maybe like alittle more time, it'll be okay,
we'll we'll figure this out.
But nine times out of ten, youdon't figure it out.
And the other person justcontinues to sit there and
continues to benefit from therelationship aspect of things
without having to put in theireffort.
Because why would they?
I mean, they're getting the bestof both worlds.
SPEAKER_02 (25:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:37):
They don't have to admit that like they're in a
relationship, so they could godo other things.
Or even if it's not, you know,they're you know sleeping around
with other people, if we're notin a relationship, you know, I
don't have to invite you when Igo out for uh, you know, drinks
with friends, I don't have tointroduce you to people, I don't
have to see you, you know,multiple times a week, you know,
whatever is kind of the levelthat you guys have decided as
(25:59):
relationship.
If we don't call it that, Idon't have to do that.
But if you think that it couldturn into that, you're going to
act like we're in one, and I getthe benefits.
unknown (26:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:13):
On our scale O toxicity, where would you rate
the situationship?
Again, based off of thedefinition that we decided.
Is this a green potato?
Peel off the green skin andyou'll be fine to eat it.
Is this a death cat mushroom, a50-50 chance of death or coma,
even when cooked?
Or is this a delicious butdeadly last snack antifreeze?
SPEAKER_01 (26:38):
I would say that this is a pretty decent green
potato.
I think in 90% of situations, itis that whole, you know, like if
you're actually caught in asituation ship, it is both
people's knowledge that, hey,I'm lonely.
I I just want, you know, someyou know, like romantic
(26:59):
feelings, or I just want, youknow, somebody to sleep with.
I just want to have thatpartner, but both people are on
the same page.
They're able to say, like, okay,you know, this is where we're
at.
I would say maybe a green potatowith a little extra green, just
(27:22):
for the fact that there aregonna be those situations where
we're just how kind of how wewere saying at the end there,
where it's just kind of like,okay, you know what?
I I I don't know what the fuckwe're at.
One person is seeing this asstrictly a situationship, the
other person's really trying togo for the romantic
relationship, and the otherperson is just kind of dragging
(27:46):
them along.
I think at that point it's notso much a situationship as it is
a just being a a dick.
If the other person makesthemselves clear that this is
what they're looking for, andyou're gonna start using that
vague language because you justyou just want to keep on getting
that benefit, and if you were totell them that, like, no, this
(28:08):
is where I'm really at, nowyou're just being a dick.
So I would say situationshipitself is probably green potato
where people what people do withit might be a little bit more
toxic.
SPEAKER_00 (28:29):
I I'm pretty much on the same page that I think in
the instance where it's asituationship that we're both
that we're in agreement as towhat it is, I don't see that as
toxic at all.
SPEAKER_02 (28:40):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (28:40):
Like as long as this has been spoken about and as
long as everyone has agreed onthe definition of what we are
and what that allows us to do orto not do, fantastic.
No notes, carry on with yourlife.
Where I see a lot of thesituationships though is the we
both enter into this looking fora relationship.
(29:02):
You know, we've met on a datingapp, we've met in person.
That implies that like we'relooking for something, and maybe
we've had that chat, and thenone person is saying, I would
like to make sure we're we're onagreement about what we are, and
the other person's like, meh.
That is it's like three greenpotatoes.
(29:24):
I don't think as much as itannoys me, having like ended up
in that and having seen friendsget kind of caught in this,
where I want to be like, no,it's fucking antifreeze, fuck
those people.
It's not at that level, but itit can be really frustrating,
and you can end up wasting a lotof time and goodwill if you have
somebody who's like, I want tobe in a relationship, I want to
(29:47):
date you, I want to be, youknow, with you.
And so I am acting the way Iwould like you to act towards
me.
Like I'm acting like we're in arelationship, because to me, we
kind of are, and so I'm givingyou that.
You know, respect, I'm doing allthe things that I would normally
do.
And then you have the otherperson who's kind of like,
instead of just fully saying,look, I don't want a
(30:07):
relationship.
Here's where I am.
You know, I'm I'm happy to dofriends with benefits.
I'm happy to do this, but I'mnot looking for something more
if they're continuing to kindof, you know, leave that, not
fully stringing you along, butkind of that open of like, oh,
let's just see where it goes.
I don't want to put a label onanything.
Because that's not saying no.
It's not saying yes.
(30:28):
And I think that that can overtime, when you keep ending up in
that, it completely sours you tobeing in a relationship because
you're like, dang, every time Imeet somebody, I get to know
them.
And then all they do is they useme for money, use me to mommy
them, whatever, and I don't getthe thing that I'm looking for.
(30:52):
It's yeah it's like three greenpotatoes, I think.
SPEAKER_01 (30:58):
And I I think that you know, kind of one of the
things that you were just sayingabout like, and this is where
you kind of have to think aboutwhere is personal responsibility
come in, because there have beentimes where we've both done it
to each other, or we've bothdone it, and we've both done the
(31:19):
whole thing with each otherwhere it's like, hey, you know,
he said blah blah blah, or yousay to me, hey, she said blah
blah blah.
I don't think that, and then oneof us will do the yeah, but this
time it's different, and I'mspecial, only to find out like a
couple months later when we'recrying and we're hurt, and then
(31:41):
you know, either you or I arelike, you know, like hey, you
know, if you really want totalk, I'm here for you, just to
let you know I told you so, butalso I'm also here for you.
SPEAKER_00 (31:52):
Uh-huh.
And I agree, there is a lot tobe said for if you end up in
that situation.
The correct thing to do is, youknow, we sit down, we we have
the chat of what are we, how dowe define us, and one partner is
just like, yeah, that should beyour assigned to be like, I'm
(32:14):
out, 100% out.
I think the problem isoftentimes when you get to that
point, it's that sunk fallacycost, and you know, feelings are
involved that you're looking atlike, but I've you know just
spent like three or four monthswith you, and I really like you,
and you seem to really like me.
So, like maybe if I just stickaround, it will work out.
(32:34):
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Chances are it won't.
SPEAKER_01 (32:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (32:37):
Sometimes though.
Therefore, we must always holdout hope.
SPEAKER_01 (32:42):
I quit beating your friend.
SPEAKER_00 (32:46):
I mean, okay, okay, okay.
In fairness.
No, I quit.
I one no, no, no, hold on, holdon.
No two weeks one time.
One time I had this discussionwith somebody, and they were
kind of like, and I gave him alittle bit more time, and I came
back to it, and I was like, I'mnot interested in, you know,
this not being a in thatinstance, I think because he won
(33:10):
he was interested inrelationships, I think he truly
just needed more time to say,yes, okay, we're good.
To me, it felt like we were likerapidly approaching
situationship territory.
I I think that is a a slightlylike outside case where it's
like, yeah, you were headed thatway anyway.
You just wanted more time.
But yeah, if you see it, theother person's just like meh,
and you come back to them asecond time and they're like, I
(33:32):
don't know.
Like, just in I haven'tintroduced you as my boyfriend
or anything, and I'm not goingto.
We're going to a dog show justcasually as friends.
Who goes to dog shows anyway?
SPEAKER_01 (33:47):
Oh my god, it was the the most boring thing I've
ever done in my entire life.
SPEAKER_00 (33:52):
You know, shit.
What did you think it was goingto be?
SPEAKER_01 (33:55):
Well, uh, oh my god.
Because she was there.
I before we even got there,she's sitting there, she's like,
you know, don't go out to thedogs and be like such a cute
doggy and things like that.
You just going in there and youjust kind of like and so
basically I sat there for eighthours.
She got up and she did like thelittle like prance around the
(34:17):
ring for five minutes.
SPEAKER_00 (34:19):
Oh, okay.
So she was showing her dog.
Okay.
I thought you guys just likewent for funsies.
I missed that she was showing adog.
SPEAKER_01 (34:28):
Yeah, she was uh she she uh bred dogs.
SPEAKER_00 (34:31):
Okay, that makes slightly more sense, but also no
ma'am.
SPEAKER_01 (34:34):
Oh my god, it was fucking boring.
So fucking boring.
SPEAKER_00 (34:40):
Well, if you have ever been to a dog show that was
not boring and can recommend onefor patches, they're all let us
know.
Or if you have a differentdefinition of what you think a
situation ship should be, youcan let us know.
You can write to us at toxic atawesomelife skills.com.
You can find us on Facebook, onInstagram, and on Blue Sky.
(35:05):
And until next week, this hasbeen the Toxic Cooking Show.
Bye.
SPEAKER_01 (35:10):
Bye.
Hi, and welcome to the Toxic Cooking Show, where we
break down toxic people intotheir simplest ingredients.
I'm your host for this week,Lindsay McLean, and with me is
my wonderful co-host,Christopher Patchett, LCSW.
Today we are talking about thesituation ship.
SPEAKER_02 (00:34):
Ooh.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
So as I always do for this podcast, when I start
researching it, I go to my mosttrusted source.
That is Urban Dictionary.
You know, some people it's like,oh, you know, I'm gonna go to
the library and I look up allthis stuff, or I'm gonna hit up
the New York Times.
Nope, Urban Dictionary.
(00:57):
First stop, whatever the topicis.
SPEAKER_01 (01:02):
There was my girlfriend said something or
texted me something, and I knewshe was using slang, and I
didn't want to be that guy thatwas like, what does that mean?
And so like I looked it up andit was like showing you like
what the actual thing was, likein proper use.
(01:22):
I was like, okay, I know shedidn't mean that.
So I looked up Urban Dictionaryand I was like, okay, okay.
Now I get what she's saying.
SPEAKER_00 (01:31):
It's it's useful, like for a lot of things.
It's very, very useful.
I love it.
I I need to see if there's onein other languages.
Just realize.
Because I mean, I use it inEnglish, and that's my native
language.
I need one in French.
Anyway, I hopped on UrbanDictionary, and would you
believe it?
It failed me.
(01:52):
First time.
And that is because there aremultiple definitions and they're
not the same.
Like, usually you read throughUrban Dictionary and you're
like, okay, these are just like,you know, because people put it
on and then other people votefor it yes or no.
You've got like more or less thesame thing, just somebody
thought this version was funnierthan that version.
(02:13):
And with situationship, it theykind of hovered around the same
thing, but not quite.
Also, another interesting thingwas when I was looking it up,
people said, Oh, situationship,that's Gen Z slang.
The oldest definition ofsituationship on Urban
Dictionary dates back to 2015.
(02:34):
That is not Gen Z slang.
I think that that's because I'mI'm a millennial.
Gen Z's like six years after me.
Gen Z was not dating likehardcore dating in 2015.
SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
I think the first time I ever heard it was 2020,
and that was because of a clientwho was just happened to live
with somebody, and then sincethey were during quarantine,
they'd be so so the the thisperson is you know older than I
(03:11):
am, so I mean that centergeneration X.
So if they were using it, youknow, I would say that
definitely it's not Gen Z.
SPEAKER_00 (03:24):
No, no, I don't think it would have made the
joke.
Now you do see it appear a lotmore in 2020.
Like there are a lot ofdefinitions around there, a lot
of articles kind of since then,but we're still unclear as to
what it is.
Is it friends with benefits?
Is it friends with benefits butmessy?
And the articles that I saw thatpeople hear about like wild
(03:48):
range, like everything from it'sjust another word for friends
with benefits to it's a hookupwith emotional benefits to women
just want to have casual sex butcan't call it that.
So for the purposes of thisepisode, I feel like we need to
define what it means to usbefore I continue, because
(04:08):
otherwise it's gonna be reallyunclear.
Because I th I thought it wascut and dry.
I'm not gonna lie.
Like in my mind, I know what asituationship is, and my friends
know what it is, and we're allon the same page, but apparently
we are not.
So I would say, and I want yourdefinition, is a situationship
is it's an almost relationship,but something or someone is
(04:30):
preventing it from becomingofficial.
So it's like we're arelationship in everything but
the name.
We do all the relationshipthings, we you know act like
we're in a relationship, but canI call you my boyfriend?
No situationship.
Where do you stand on this?
SPEAKER_01 (04:49):
I would say pretty much the same thing, is that it
could be one or both people.
So whether it is just like, I'mbored, you know, like I haven't
dated in a while, and I kind ofmiss having a relationship, but
there's nobody I'm interestedin.
Let's just have sex and and dothe you know, boyfriend,
(05:11):
girlfriend, or or whatevertogether, and they're like,
okay.
SPEAKER_00 (05:16):
See, that to me is like friends with benefits.
SPEAKER_01 (05:19):
No, well, when I think of friends with benefits,
I I just think of like more theidea of we're hanging out as
strictly as friends, but thenwe're also having sex.
I think of like situationship,like you know, like the the
person I was saying about wherethey were just in quarantine and
(05:42):
it was just like, hey, why don'tyou just stay here with me?
And because you're not livingwith your friend most of the
time.
SPEAKER_00 (05:50):
Yeah.
You know, unless you'reroommates or whatever, like
yeah, that that's asituationship where you're like,
we're basically in arelationship, yeah, but you
haven't taken that last like youknow, three percent step to be
like this is this is who we are,and that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01 (06:06):
Like in that case, like both of them were like, you
know, like I don't want arelationship, I don't want a
relationship, but lonely, I'mlonely, yeah.
We're quarantined, I have abigger enough house for for us
to stay in.
Let's just hang out and do thechores and everything like that,
(06:29):
and have a little bit of bangtime too, too.
SPEAKER_00 (06:32):
Yeah, that's true.
I guess I also the last littlebit for me is that there's
typically with a situationship,there's like a tension to it.
Because you're just like, whatare we?
That's why it's a situation,because it's just like, huh.
Not always though.
In most cases that I've seenthat people have said, Oh, I'm
(06:52):
in a situationship, there is a anoticeable amount of tension.
So yeah, you and I are basicallyon the same page about what a
situation ship is.
SPEAKER_01 (07:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (07:03):
Okay.
Again, this is what I thought Iwas gonna find on Urban Dick
Show.
It's just like, yep, here it is,cut and dry.
You see articles about peoplebeing like, oh, you know, I was
in one and it was terrible.
So I don't know where theinternet went wrong in figuring
out what a situation ship is.
SPEAKER_01 (07:21):
But for the purpose of this show, so I will say real
quick, I mean, isn't that what asituation is?
It depends on the situation.
So for some people, thesituation might be the
quarantine thing.
For some people, the situationis I really like this person and
(07:45):
I want to pursue them, eventhough they're not ready.
Maybe I might push them intothat that you know relationship
by doing all theboyfriend-girlfriend thing.
This person's situation is thatyou know, whatever.
SPEAKER_00 (08:02):
That's actually a good point.
Yeah.
Okay, I agree with you on that.
But I still maintain that it itis a almost relationship that
isn't.
It's not friends with benefits.
Friends with benefits issomething very clear.
SPEAKER_02 (08:18):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
A situationship is something more than that.
Okay, so good.
We're we're in agreement aboutthat.
All right, cool.
So the reason why I felt likethis needed to end up on the
toxic cooking show is not justbecause, of course, we need to
define the term, which we havehelped the world tremendously
today by doing so.
(08:40):
But this is something that I'mseeing pop up so much.
So, so much.
I would say that the probablythe majority of my female
friends who have been dating inthe last couple of years have
run into this, have run intosituationships where it's you
(09:00):
know, you meet a guy, and Iinclude myself in this.
I've also been in thissituation.
You meet the guy, and you'relike, Yeah, this is this is
good, it seems to be going well,like everything's progressing,
and then you get to that pointwhere you're just like, hey,
what are we?
And he's like, I don't know,let's just see how it goes.
Situationship right there.
This seems to be happening somuch.
(09:23):
And I don't know if this issomething that you have run into
with women again.
When I was trying to look thisup, because I wanted to see if
this was more of a women arerunning into this problem where
men want this and women don't,or if it's you know both sides.
And I I couldn't quite tell.
It does seem to be a little morewomen feel like they are in a
(09:45):
situation ship that they don'twant to be in.
Have you experienced this?
SPEAKER_01 (09:50):
Trying to think not recently.
I I can recall maybe a coupletimes where it's like, you know,
I that where I've brought thatup, like, hey, where are we at?
Yeah, let's just see.
SPEAKER_00 (10:04):
Yeah.
That's fair.
And then I I get that maybe thefirst time you bring it up with
somebody, especially if youbring it up like two weeks into
the like into meeting theperson, you're like, hey, what
are we?
And they're like, let's see.
Let's see where it goes.
That is a hundred percent alet's see where the vibes take
us.
This is uh you've been seeingthe guy for months, and you're
(10:26):
like, hey, what are we?
and he's just like, Oh, I don'tknow.
I don't I don't want to put alabel on it.
Situationship.
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
It's weird because like I I remember one girl that
I dated, it was it was really anawkward thing because like we
were together for like threemonths, and I was like, Hey, so
I really like you, I really careabout you, I I wanted to know if
you wanted to like start.
As soon as I said the worddating, she got like really
(10:58):
weird about it.
SPEAKER_02 (10:59):
Ma'am.
SPEAKER_01 (11:00):
She just changed the subject, just avoided the word
dating, and then I was justlike, Okay, I I I guess she's
just not ready or whatever.
And then, like a month later, wewere going to like a dog show,
and she's like, I know I'm notintroducing you to anybody as my
(11:22):
boyfriend, but I just need alittle bit more time before I
start doing that.
I was like, but I didn't evenknow that I was your boyfriend.
Like, what the fuck are we?
SPEAKER_00 (11:34):
Yeah.
Aha, you were in a situationship.
I mean, that's a classicexample, though, of what seems
to be the reason behind this.
That there's a there's this fearof commitment that's kind of
(11:54):
going around.
And commitment in like everysingle possible way.
So sometimes it seems to bethere's like fear of commitment
when it comes to choosing aperson.
And I've seen a lot of peopleblame, like, oh, dating apps are
the cause for this, because youknow, with dating apps, you can
just keep swiping, and there'smore and more and more and more
people.
(12:15):
So, like, why settle down withthis one?
You know, the grass is alwaysgreener on the other side.
Maybe I'm gonna find the perfectperson there, so they don't want
to commit just constantly newpeople, exciting stuff.
So again, why limit myself toone person?
And I think it maybe that doesplay a part, kind of like with
ghosting, where if you feel likeyou have unlimited options out
(12:39):
there, then maybe you know, whenthe person, when your partner
comes to you and says, like,hey, what are we?
you're gonna be like, eh.
Or in this case, like this chickbe like, I'm just not gonna like
introduce you as this yet.
Okay, so where do we stand afterall these months?
Like, why are you holding backon this?
(13:02):
Is always my question.
But to me, this that doesn'tfully explain it.
Because like we've talked aboutthis on at least several
episodes.
Men definitely have a hardertime like getting matches on
dating apps, so it's not likeyou have 10 bajillion more
options out there.
You actually don't.
(13:24):
So maybe if you've got one, youwould you would think that you
would want to stick with it.
So I'm not I'm not sold on thatidea.
But there's also this idea oflike fear of commitment
emotionally, and this issomething we have run into like
on Instagram, like seeing stuffall the time.
When you're dating somebody, Idon't know if you know this.
You're in a relationship, so youshould know this.
(13:46):
You you gotta be there for theother person, you have to spend
time with them, meet theirfriends, like do stuff with
them.
You need to be there to listento them.
If you're going to be a goodpartner, I should add.
You were there emotionally andphysically for them.
And I keep seeing this likepersonally through my friends
(14:10):
and online, that it seems to bemen want the benefits of the
relationship, but they're notready to do that work.
SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
I mean, I'm I'm totally there for the the person
I'm with, as long as it'ssomething I enjoy doing.
I'm only kidding.
I'm only kidding.
SPEAKER_00 (14:30):
I know you.
It's because I know you that Iknow that that's not true.
But it is true.
I mean, relationships take work.
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (14:45):
That's that that's a given.
Is this something that you haverun into, though, with women?
That there's also this, I I wantall the benefits, you know.
For instance, I want to I wantto enjoy being in a
relationship, quote unquote.
So like we do stuff together, wego places, we sleep together,
all of that, but I don't want tolike put in the work on my end.
SPEAKER_01 (15:07):
Look who you're talking to.
SPEAKER_00 (15:09):
I know, I know you're but I have to ask,
because maybe.
Maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (15:15):
Yes, I I've experienced that like non-stop.
Have I experienced that for forthe purpose of this episode?
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
You know, we we we ask the question.
So yeah, this to me is thebigger issue is that people want
all of the benefits, men andwomen want the benefits of the
relationship.
So either, you know, the otherpartner like paying for things
for them, doing things for them,cooking for them, cleaning for
them, covering expenses forthem, but they don't want to
(15:54):
actually put out on their end.
And that's where I ran into islike, why is that suddenly an
issue now?
And I feel like this is it goesinto like a far, far deeper
topic than we have time fortoday.
Like, this is definitely anothercouple of episodes.
But there seems to be this likefrustration on both ends, like
(16:15):
both for men and both for women,that both parties feel like the
other is using them.
And so you don't want to, youdon't want to get into that
situation where you're doing allof the expected work on your
end, but they're not doing it ontheir end.
And so you hold back, and thenthey hold back, and then
(16:36):
everyone's like, oh, this isn'tworking.
I don't understand.
Like, why aren't you cooking andcleaning for me?
And I'm like, why aren't youproviding for me?
Like you say you want to, butthen you don't, but then you
expect me to, but then I don't.
And then suddenly you're sittingthere looking at each other and
be like, we're basically in arelationship, but we can't call
(16:57):
it that.
And everyone's mad at eachother.
SPEAKER_01 (17:01):
I mean, I could go into this all day.
SPEAKER_00 (17:04):
Please, please expand.
SPEAKER_01 (17:07):
No, I it's it's I I kind of I I agree with you.
I think that both both sidesagain, you know, frustrated, and
it's because both sides not onlyhave experience in one form or
another, but it's true.
There are a lot of men that willuse women for sex.
There are a lot of women who usemen for money, and that is
(17:30):
literally all they want.
SPEAKER_00 (17:32):
I would say actually for men, it's not even so much
about the sex, it's about thethe taking care of me.
It's the cooking and thecleaning, is what I have seen
more of, actually.
SPEAKER_01 (17:42):
Hmm.
Okay.
So so yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:45):
But it's it's still that same, like, I expect you to
do this thing for me.
SPEAKER_01 (17:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
Like, I expect you to buy me all of these things.
Yeah, it's it's that same.
SPEAKER_01 (17:54):
I'm sure that you've seen plenty of guys where you
either you or your friends willdo all the cooking and cleaning,
everything like that, and thenyou see them slip off and
they're screwing around withother people.
And it's just like, what thewhat the fuck?
Like, you know, you just use me,blah blah blah, and you know
(18:14):
just as well I've been used somany times for like for money
that and watching the otherperson slipping off and just
being like, okay, I'm back up onmy feet, go fuck yourself.
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (18:30):
So thankfully, we've never, like myself and like
people who I I personally know,have never run into that like
level where it's like you'redoing all of it and then he's
off like cheating on you.
But what you do run into is thatagain, you're basically in a
relationship.
And when I'm in a relationshipwith somebody, and I think most
people would, you like to dothings like maybe you'll bake
for them, maybe you'll cook,like you'll come over, or you
(18:52):
know, if if you're coming overto my place, maybe I'll like
cook dinner or something foryou, for us, whatever.
And you end up in that wherelike you're doing all these
things because you're expectingthat it's a relationship,
because we're we're seeing eachother multiple times a week,
we're texting every day, likewe're you know, back and forth
(19:12):
at each other's places.
And yet when it comes time tosay, hey, what are we?
suddenly it's a oh, I I don'tknow.
I don't like to put labels onit, or I like to just let things
go and see how it turns out, allof that.
Suddenly it's just like, oh no,I'm I'm not willing to fully
(19:34):
commit and be like, yes, we aredating, yes, you are my
girlfriend, we are a couple,that is who we are.
That's where you run into itwhere there's just like, but I'm
dating you, but I can't saythat.
So it's it's a it's a weirdplace, as I'm sure you know.
SPEAKER_01 (19:54):
Yes, all too well.
SPEAKER_00 (19:56):
Just yes.
And I'm curious, like, if isthis also a problem for men that
you run into the the dreadedwhat are we conversation?
You know, with somebody somebodyhas to bring it up, right?
Like it's I think that thisshould be a discussion.
Like you never just assume it'slike, oh well, we've slept
(20:18):
together six times, thereforewe're dating.
Like that's that's not how itworks.
You need to sit down and belike, are we dating?
Are we going the right way?
SPEAKER_01 (20:29):
And and this is where it becomes confusing, at
least for me, a lot of times,where I will I will say exactly
what what I'm looking for, whatexactly I want, what exactly I'm
calling this to leave out anyconfusion.
And then I kind of get hit backwith, yeah, and then given a
(20:55):
different definition.
I'm like, but do you blah blahblah?
And they're like, yeah,different definition.
And it's like, well, you you'reyou're saying one thing, but
you're telling me another thing.
And then when I try to clear theair, then you're agreeing to
that, but you're sayingsomething different, and it's
like, what the fuck?
(21:15):
And then eventually it's like,okay, I give up.
I guess this is where we're at.
SPEAKER_00 (21:21):
So, like, with you run into this if you're saying,
like, hey, you know, in my mind,we've been seeing each other for
this amount of time, we've beendoing this, we've been doing
that.
So, like, to me, we're in arelationship, therefore,
boyfriend, girlfriend, and shehits you back with, yeah, we're
dating, but I would neverintroduce you to anyone that I
know.
Like that type of thing?
SPEAKER_01 (21:42):
No, not even like the the but is like I I see that
we're dating, I don't want to bewith anybody else, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, you know, we're we'retaking our time to get to know
each other and seeing wherethings go.
It's like, okay, well, so do youmean yeah, or I mean like do you
you wanna do you not want todate and just kind of see where
(22:04):
things go?
Because I kind of see us beingin a relationship, like, you
know, like, yeah, yeah, we'rewe're we're in a relationship.
We're getting we're we'regetting to know where where each
other's now, how each other are.
Okay.
So what do you mean?
Do you mean that we're likeseeing each other and and trying
to get to know each other andbuilding towards a relationship?
(22:25):
Or are we in a relationship?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
We're we're we're getting toknow each other, we're trying to
see how how we are with eachother and everything like that.
Okay, you know, and then it justbecomes that that circular,
like, you know, likeconversation.
And it's just like at some pointI'm just like, okay, you know,
fine, whatever the fuck we are.
SPEAKER_00 (22:45):
Yeah.
Okay, so that that's about whatI have experienced.
I'm glad to know that both sidesare doing this.
I mean, I'm not glad to know,but at least we're both on the
same page as to how we're gonnatreat the other.
Because yeah, that's that's whatI've run into, is that either
myself or somebody else, youknow, you sit down with the
person and you're like, hey, soyou know, we we've kind of
(23:07):
passed that initial like get toknow each other stage, and we've
now moved into the you know, theother stuff, like, what would
you define us as?
And they're just like, yeah, butyou know, we're we're seeing
each other, we're we're vibing,we're cool, and like, so if I
take you to dinner someplace,can I introduce you as my
(23:29):
boyfriend?
They're like, ah, you know, it'sjust I don't know if we're at
that level yet.
Okay.
It's been months.
When do we get to that level?
So, where do you see us goingfrom here with situationships?
How do we get out of the viciouscycle of like, yeah, let's just
(23:49):
go based off of vibes?
SPEAKER_01 (23:51):
Stop going off of vibes.
That's fucking simple.
SPEAKER_00 (23:56):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (24:00):
If you say that this is what you're looking at, if
this is what you want, and theother person kind of comes back
at you with like the yeah, youknow, blah, blah, blah, and and
saying something differently.
If if you're getting that to thepoint where it's just like your
definitions are not meetmatching up, you know, and
you've tried saying that, like,hey, I think we're on two
(24:23):
different pages.
Maybe this is not like somethingthat that you see as something
worth it, and just being like,okay, that's it.
SPEAKER_00 (24:32):
I think that's fair.
I think it a lot of it does comedown to the the partner who
would like it to be therelationship, if that is the
case.
Unlike the the case that youmentioned, where it's like, it's
not a relationship, but we'reboth okay with where we are,
that's fine.
No notes.
If if both people are on thesame page, cool, carry on.
But if you do have it where onepartner's like, I kind of see us
(24:55):
as this, and like I've alreadymade it clear to you that I'm
looking for a relationship, andyou have the other person who's
like, meh, you gotta leave.
And I think I think it continuesbecause people put up with it.
And again, I've been there.
I feel the pain of you're justlike, you know what, it's fine,
(25:15):
like, you know, maybe like alittle more time, it'll be okay,
we'll we'll figure this out.
But nine times out of ten, youdon't figure it out.
And the other person justcontinues to sit there and
continues to benefit from therelationship aspect of things
without having to put in theireffort.
Because why would they?
I mean, they're getting the bestof both worlds.
SPEAKER_02 (25:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:37):
They don't have to admit that like they're in a
relationship, so they could godo other things.
Or even if it's not, you know,they're you know sleeping around
with other people, if we're notin a relationship, you know, I
don't have to invite you when Igo out for uh, you know, drinks
with friends, I don't have tointroduce you to people, I don't
have to see you, you know,multiple times a week, you know,
whatever is kind of the levelthat you guys have decided as
(25:59):
relationship.
If we don't call it that, Idon't have to do that.
But if you think that it couldturn into that, you're going to
act like we're in one, and I getthe benefits.
unknown (26:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:13):
On our scale O toxicity, where would you rate
the situationship?
Again, based off of thedefinition that we decided.
Is this a green potato?
Peel off the green skin andyou'll be fine to eat it.
Is this a death cat mushroom, a50-50 chance of death or coma,
even when cooked?
Or is this a delicious butdeadly last snack antifreeze?
SPEAKER_01 (26:38):
I would say that this is a pretty decent green
potato.
I think in 90% of situations, itis that whole, you know, like if
you're actually caught in asituation ship, it is both
people's knowledge that, hey,I'm lonely.
I I just want, you know, someyou know, like romantic
(26:59):
feelings, or I just want, youknow, somebody to sleep with.
I just want to have thatpartner, but both people are on
the same page.
They're able to say, like, okay,you know, this is where we're
at.
I would say maybe a green potatowith a little extra green, just
(27:22):
for the fact that there aregonna be those situations where
we're just how kind of how wewere saying at the end there,
where it's just kind of like,okay, you know what?
I I I don't know what the fuckwe're at.
One person is seeing this asstrictly a situationship, the
other person's really trying togo for the romantic
relationship, and the otherperson is just kind of dragging
(27:46):
them along.
I think at that point it's notso much a situationship as it is
a just being a a dick.
If the other person makesthemselves clear that this is
what they're looking for, andyou're gonna start using that
vague language because you justyou just want to keep on getting
that benefit, and if you were totell them that, like, no, this
(28:08):
is where I'm really at, nowyou're just being a dick.
So I would say situationshipitself is probably green potato
where people what people do withit might be a little bit more
toxic.
SPEAKER_00 (28:29):
I I'm pretty much on the same page that I think in
the instance where it's asituationship that we're both
that we're in agreement as towhat it is, I don't see that as
toxic at all.
SPEAKER_02 (28:40):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (28:40):
Like as long as this has been spoken about and as
long as everyone has agreed onthe definition of what we are
and what that allows us to do orto not do, fantastic.
No notes, carry on with yourlife.
Where I see a lot of thesituationships though is the we
both enter into this looking fora relationship.
(29:02):
You know, we've met on a datingapp, we've met in person.
That implies that like we'relooking for something, and maybe
we've had that chat, and thenone person is saying, I would
like to make sure we're we're onagreement about what we are, and
the other person's like, meh.
That is it's like three greenpotatoes.
(29:24):
I don't think as much as itannoys me, having like ended up
in that and having seen friendsget kind of caught in this,
where I want to be like, no,it's fucking antifreeze, fuck
those people.
It's not at that level, but itit can be really frustrating,
and you can end up wasting a lotof time and goodwill if you have
somebody who's like, I want tobe in a relationship, I want to
(29:47):
date you, I want to be, youknow, with you.
And so I am acting the way Iwould like you to act towards
me.
Like I'm acting like we're in arelationship, because to me, we
kind of are, and so I'm givingyou that.
You know, respect, I'm doing allthe things that I would normally
do.
And then you have the otherperson who's kind of like,
instead of just fully saying,look, I don't want a
(30:07):
relationship.
Here's where I am.
You know, I'm I'm happy to dofriends with benefits.
I'm happy to do this, but I'mnot looking for something more
if they're continuing to kindof, you know, leave that, not
fully stringing you along, butkind of that open of like, oh,
let's just see where it goes.
I don't want to put a label onanything.
Because that's not saying no.
It's not saying yes.
(30:28):
And I think that that can overtime, when you keep ending up in
that, it completely sours you tobeing in a relationship because
you're like, dang, every time Imeet somebody, I get to know
them.
And then all they do is they useme for money, use me to mommy
them, whatever, and I don't getthe thing that I'm looking for.
(30:52):
It's yeah it's like three greenpotatoes, I think.
SPEAKER_01 (30:58):
And I I think that you know, kind of one of the
things that you were just sayingabout like, and this is where
you kind of have to think aboutwhere is personal responsibility
come in, because there have beentimes where we've both done it
to each other, or we've bothdone it, and we've both done the
(31:19):
whole thing with each otherwhere it's like, hey, you know,
he said blah blah blah, or yousay to me, hey, she said blah
blah blah.
I don't think that, and then oneof us will do the yeah, but this
time it's different, and I'mspecial, only to find out like a
couple months later when we'recrying and we're hurt, and then
(31:41):
you know, either you or I arelike, you know, like hey, you
know, if you really want totalk, I'm here for you, just to
let you know I told you so, butalso I'm also here for you.
SPEAKER_00 (31:52):
Uh-huh.
And I agree, there is a lot tobe said for if you end up in
that situation.
The correct thing to do is, youknow, we sit down, we we have
the chat of what are we, how dowe define us, and one partner is
just like, yeah, that should beyour assigned to be like, I'm
(32:14):
out, 100% out.
I think the problem isoftentimes when you get to that
point, it's that sunk fallacycost, and you know, feelings are
involved that you're looking atlike, but I've you know just
spent like three or four monthswith you, and I really like you,
and you seem to really like me.
So, like maybe if I just stickaround, it will work out.
(32:34):
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Chances are it won't.
SPEAKER_01 (32:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (32:37):
Sometimes though.
Therefore, we must always holdout hope.
SPEAKER_01 (32:42):
I quit beating your friend.
SPEAKER_00 (32:46):
I mean, okay, okay, okay.
In fairness.
No, I quit.
I one no, no, no, hold on, holdon.
No two weeks one time.
One time I had this discussionwith somebody, and they were
kind of like, and I gave him alittle bit more time, and I came
back to it, and I was like, I'mnot interested in, you know,
this not being a in thatinstance, I think because he won
(33:10):
he was interested inrelationships, I think he truly
just needed more time to say,yes, okay, we're good.
To me, it felt like we were likerapidly approaching
situationship territory.
I I think that is a a slightlylike outside case where it's
like, yeah, you were headed thatway anyway.
You just wanted more time.
But yeah, if you see it, theother person's just like meh,
and you come back to them asecond time and they're like, I
(33:32):
don't know.
Like, just in I haven'tintroduced you as my boyfriend
or anything, and I'm not goingto.
We're going to a dog show justcasually as friends.
Who goes to dog shows anyway?
SPEAKER_01 (33:47):
Oh my god, it was the the most boring thing I've
ever done in my entire life.
SPEAKER_00 (33:52):
You know, shit.
What did you think it was goingto be?
SPEAKER_01 (33:55):
Well, uh, oh my god.
Because she was there.
I before we even got there,she's sitting there, she's like,
you know, don't go out to thedogs and be like such a cute
doggy and things like that.
You just going in there and youjust kind of like and so
basically I sat there for eighthours.
She got up and she did like thelittle like prance around the
(34:17):
ring for five minutes.
SPEAKER_00 (34:19):
Oh, okay.
So she was showing her dog.
Okay.
I thought you guys just likewent for funsies.
I missed that she was showing adog.
SPEAKER_01 (34:28):
Yeah, she was uh she she uh bred dogs.
SPEAKER_00 (34:31):
Okay, that makes slightly more sense, but also no
ma'am.
SPEAKER_01 (34:34):
Oh my god, it was fucking boring.
So fucking boring.
SPEAKER_00 (34:40):
Well, if you have ever been to a dog show that was
not boring and can recommend onefor patches, they're all let us
know.
Or if you have a differentdefinition of what you think a
situation ship should be, youcan let us know.
You can write to us at toxic atawesomelife skills.com.
You can find us on Facebook, onInstagram, and on Blue Sky.
(35:05):
And until next week, this hasbeen the Toxic Cooking Show.
Bye.
SPEAKER_01 (35:10):
Bye.
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